- 4 days ago
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FunTranscript
00:00Daddy works hard to save some money
00:04I'm growing up with my motor running
00:06Keeping the family going, moving along
00:10Pulling our weight, working together
00:14Things get bad till they get better
00:16Keeping the family going, making it strong
00:20Moving along
00:23I remember what Daddy said to me
00:26Get what you want
00:28But don't forget the things you need
00:31You gotta take a long, long, long
00:33Keep the family going, moving along
00:36I remember what Daddy said to me
00:39Get what you want
00:42But don't forget the things you need
00:45You gotta take a long, long, long
00:47Keep the family going, moving along
00:58Firefighters
01:09Andy down
01:10Let's keep it neat, shall we?
01:15Oh man
01:16And one for you
01:19And one for you
01:21And one for you
01:23And one for me
01:24Two for you
01:26And two for you
01:27And two for you
01:29And two for me
01:30Three for you
01:33And three for you
01:34Three for you
01:36All right, that's it
01:36I've had it
01:37Frank
01:38It's like playing poker with Captain Kangaroo
01:40Frank
01:42Oh no, forget it
01:44It's early, I'm going down to the hot spot
01:45Why do you want to go there?
01:46To meet a beautiful young lady
01:48Who would love to do absolutely nothing all night
01:50But share a few drinks, dance, dinner
01:52And room service in the morning
01:54Well, now that's your idea of a good time
01:58Hey, Cat, why don't you come down here with me?
02:00What am I gonna do in a place like that?
02:01Oh, you grab a nice little Polynesian cooler
02:03And maybe a little
02:04What does that mean?
02:08You mean
02:09Oh yeah, I get it
02:13Yeah, you're
02:14And you're
02:16That's my
02:18Yeah
02:21No, I can't
02:23Why not?
02:24Ah, those places make me nervous
02:26Bring a book
02:27What?
02:28Oh yeah, I mean, I go to these places
02:30I always bring a book
02:31The ladies see me read and they think
02:33Hey, this one's different
02:34He's not like all these other meatballs in here
02:36Looking for some
02:37Yeah, sure
02:41I got a big picture of me
02:42Sitting there
02:43Sipping on a pineapple
02:45With an umbrella sticking out of it
02:47Reading a copy of my friend Flickr
02:50You really have a copy of my friend Flickr?
02:53Wait a minute, wait a minute
02:54What you're saying is that you would like to
02:56But you don't know how
02:58I don't like those places
03:00All right, guys
03:00A lot of lonely people
03:02Looking for other lonely people
03:04People looking for a smile
03:07A laugh
03:08A little chit-chat
03:09A little affection
03:10Maybe a moonlit stroll
03:13Along the beach at Malibu
03:14I think I'm gonna go make reservations
03:17Hey, listen, Cap
03:19You change your mind
03:19I'll be there, all right?
03:28Would you like to come along, Leo?
03:30Yeah
03:30Let's stop by my place
03:31Pick up my copy of Old Yeller
03:32You can borrow a book
03:34Bring Flickr, Cap
03:35It works!
03:36Hi, Pop
03:48Hi, Doug
03:50Anything wrong, Doug?
03:59I got a problem, Dad
04:00Well, actually, I got two big problems
04:04I'm very confused
04:06I know you are, son
04:08Like in a fog half the time
04:11Well, Dougie, for you
04:14Half the time isn't bad
04:15It's in the clouds
04:17I don't make sense
04:18I can't seem to reason
04:22I can't reason
04:24Well, to tell you the truth, Doug
04:26I have been a little worried about you
04:28Yeah, you mean, uh
04:29Sometimes I act a little strange?
04:32Well, let me put it this way
04:36Last month
04:36You came to me
04:38And told me that you were having trouble
04:39Remembering things
04:40With the letter
04:41Twelve
04:42In them
04:43A couple of days later
04:45You asked me to explain
04:46The derivation of the word
04:47Doorbell
04:49But that was a month ago
04:53Dougie, you haven't done
04:54Or said anything absurd
04:55In the last couple of weeks
04:56You've been behaving quite normally
04:57What the hell is the matter with you?
05:02I'm in love, Dad
05:04Dougie!
05:06Oh, no, not with you, Pop
05:07I love you, but
05:11Dougie, Dougie
05:12Do you know how long
05:13I've waited for you
05:14To fall in love
05:14With something besides football?
05:16Who's the lucky girl?
05:18Oh, this isn't a girl
05:19Dougie?
05:26Yeah, gee
05:26Oh, my God, Dougie
05:28Is it me, Dougie?
05:30Is it my fault?
05:32Huh?
05:32I mean, did I push you too hard?
05:35Sure, I pushed you too hard
05:36Sure, all those hours
05:39I spent teaching you
05:41How to throw that forward pass
05:42Those fast breaks
05:44How to lay down a butt
05:45Dad, it's not that
05:47You said it wasn't a girl
05:49Well, it's not
05:50I'm afraid to ask
05:53It's a woman
05:56Why do you do this to me, Dougie?
06:02When she drives and everything
06:05All right, all right
06:06Doug, what?
06:06Tell me, tell me
06:07Tell me
06:07Is it the lady on your paper route
06:09Who's always asking to come in
06:10And hand her a towel?
06:13It's Mrs. Solomon
06:14My hygiene teacher
06:15Dougie, Dougie, Dougie
06:18Gosh, I haven't been to class
06:20In two weeks, Dad
06:22You've been skipping classes, Doug?
06:25Oh, I know what's wrong
06:26Gosh
06:28I mean, so every day
06:30For 53 minutes
06:32I go to Sears
06:33Did you ever notice
06:37How the whole store
06:38Smells like popcorn?
06:41That's very wrong, Doug
06:43Well, maybe not the whole store
06:44I mean, the pet department
06:48Well, it smells
06:49Like the pet department
06:51Except for the bunnies
06:54I mean, they smell fuzzy
06:55You know, babies smell fuzzy too
06:57Did you ever notice that?
06:58Yeah, Dougie
06:58Except for baby elephants
07:00At the circus
07:01I mean, they smell like popcorn
07:03Come to think of it
07:06The whole circus
07:06Smells like popcorn
07:07Like Sears
07:09There's a pattern here, Dad
07:11There's a pattern
07:11Dougie
07:14Come in, Dougie
07:16All right, now listen, Doug
07:23It's perfectly natural
07:25For a kid your age
07:26To fall in love
07:26With one of his teachers
07:27It is?
07:29Oh, sure, sure
07:30It's something that happens
07:31To everyone your age
07:32I mean, it's a phase
07:34It's part of growing up, Doug
07:36There's nothing you can do about it
07:38Believe me, kid
07:39One day you'll look back on this
07:41And you'll laugh
07:42Meanwhile, don't skip any more classes
07:46Okay, Pop
07:49All right
07:50Now, you said you had two problems
07:52What's the other problem
07:54Oh, yeah
07:55Last night I went to the fridge for a snack
07:59Yeah
07:59Tell me
08:01When you shut the door
08:03Yeah
08:04Is that a little light stay on?
08:05That's my boy
08:11Buddy, you finally came after all
08:19Hey, hey, well, you know
08:20Hey, hiya, Capge
08:21I'm glad to see you
08:22What's the matter with him?
08:28They shot him
08:29Leo, get a hold of yourself, will you?
08:34Leo, it's just a dog story
08:36Just a dog story?
08:38Leo
08:38Just a dog story?
08:40Shh, people are looking at us
08:42And I suppose Moby Dick is just a fish story
08:45Like to dance?
08:48Oh, flake off
08:48Thank you
08:49Hey, Cap, it's great you decided to show up
08:53There's a lot of
08:54Here tonight, you know what I mean?
08:57Yeah, guys, look, this isn't for me, okay?
08:59Don't look now
09:00I think she's looking at me
09:09Smooth, very smooth
09:10She wants me
09:12Balderdash
09:14What?
09:15She happens to be looking at moi
09:17You're both wrong
09:19Call me crazy, but she's undressing me with her eyes
09:22You're nuts
09:23You're nuts
09:24You're short, Leo
09:25Hear what I say? You're short
09:27Check, please
09:29Cap, don't leave
09:30Don't leave, this place is jumping
09:32I am not short, I'm wiry
09:34Wiry is often mistaken for short
09:35All right, all right
09:37Watch the master at work, all right?
09:40Frank, come on
09:40No, no, no, I mean, you might get a few ideas, all right?
09:43Yeah, hey, go ahead, Mr. Big Shot
09:44Let's see some of your moves
09:45All right, here I go
09:48If I'm not home by Tuesday, send my clothes here
09:51Robert Redford, same thing
09:54Cute
09:54But a dwarf
09:56Barkeep
09:57I'm buying the little lady a drink
10:00That's John Wayne
10:03Let me ask you something personal
10:07I mean, you're here
10:09I'm here
10:11You're a woman, I'm a man
10:12I don't think so
10:14Cancel that drink
10:15I think she's a guy
10:22Your turn, Stretch
10:26Too short, right?
10:43Bingo
10:43No problema
10:45You're up, Professor
10:49You strike me as the kind of person
11:12Who if she had to choose
11:14Between getting to know a firefighter
11:16Or shooting a dog
11:18Bang
11:19Next
11:20Your turn, Captain
11:26Oh, forget about it
11:28Oh, come on
11:28I said forget about it
11:30But we came to
11:31No, no, I'm just
11:32Not in the mood
11:33Horse feathers
11:35Leo
11:35Look, Cap
11:37She wasn't looking at Frank
11:39She wasn't looking at Max
11:40Probably couldn't see him
11:42And she was only mildly interested in me
11:47Go to hell, you rabid monk
11:49So
11:52She must have been looking at you
11:54Now, give him a break, Leo
11:56I mean, come on
11:57Why should he go over there
11:57And get shot down like us?
11:59All right
11:59Look, I'm just not interested, all right?
12:05Well, then I guess we'll never know, will we?
12:07Will we?
12:08Will we, will we, will we, will we, will we, will we, will we, will we, will we
12:12Okay, okay, okay
12:13You guys drive me crazy
12:15This is stupid
12:18Rosetta, you get the check
12:19I'm out of here
12:20Oh, that lady's gonna try
12:21Ah, stupid, but I don't care
12:23Look, I'm no good at this
12:34So just tell me to buzz off
12:35I'm out of here, okay?
12:36I beg your pardon
12:38Do you want to go home with me or what?
12:44All right
12:44Thank you
13:06Oh, my God.
13:36Oh, my God.
14:06About as subtle as Rodney Dangerfield.
14:08Look, I knew what was going on.
14:10The only reason I said yes was so I could see the expression on your face.
14:14Yeah.
14:15I don't know how you're supposed to behave in those places, you know.
14:18Oh, me either.
14:18I'm recently divorced myself.
14:22And the only reason I was there was because my girlfriends kind of wrote me into it.
14:27Yeah.
14:28Just like you.
14:29Yeah.
14:29Well, I, uh, I'm really sorry.
14:33I never should have invited you home.
14:35You know, I, I'm really not ready for another relationship.
14:39Oh, me either.
14:40Of course, the trouble is, in a half hour, I'll be ready.
14:46Well, let's just play this by ear.
14:49No pressure.
14:51Yeah?
14:51Yeah.
14:52You're a very nice guy, buddy.
14:57Yeah?
14:57Yeah.
15:00I'll tell you what.
15:01The head, the bathroom is right up that way.
15:05And the bar is right over there.
15:06I'll, uh, I'll meet you there in five.
15:07Check.
15:21Why not?
15:23Huh?
15:25I mean, really, really, Dougie.
15:27Why not?
15:30I mean, why not, Jen?
15:32Uh, Jen, you're up.
15:39Good.
15:42So, what was the final score of the Raiders game?
15:48Do you realize what time it is?
15:52Eleven?
15:54Twelve?
15:56One?
16:01Two?
16:02Uh, Jen, did you overhear the...
16:04Every word.
16:05All right, Jen, don't talk to me like that.
16:07I'm not a little kid, okay?
16:08I don't care about that.
16:10Okay, great.
16:10Great, Jen.
16:11Why don't you go back to bed then, huh?
16:14I was worried sick.
16:15Jen, I'll tell you, everything...
16:17You couldn't call.
16:18You couldn't take a minute to go to a phone.
16:20I mean, I'm here going out of my mind wondering, is he hurt?
16:22Is he sick?
16:23Jen, come on, Jen.
16:24I just want you to know that she is not using my hair dryer.
16:28Yeah, Jen, she's a very nice person, Jen.
16:30You son of a gun, yeah?
16:36Dougie, here's a dollar.
16:37Get back to bed.
16:37All right.
16:39Uh, there's a lady in the bathroom, right?
16:41Dougie.
16:41Uh, don't deny it, you old fox.
16:44I can tell.
16:45You sharp, you see sharp.
16:47I can't stand it.
16:49Dougie.
16:50Oh, I wasn't born yesterday.
16:52I know there's a woman up there.
16:53Jenny, take him upstairs, will you?
16:55Take him upstairs, Jen.
16:56Uh, well, as long as we're all up, let's send out for pizza.
17:02Uh, uh, kids, I'd like you to meet Miss, uh, Miss, oh, my God.
17:06Solomon.
17:07Solomon, that's right, Solomon.
17:08Douglas.
17:09Mrs. Solomon.
17:10What do you mean, Mrs. Solomon?
17:11Yeah, Douglas.
17:12Pop.
17:13Dougie.
17:13Mrs. Solomon.
17:14Wait a minute, hold on.
17:15I don't believe this entire night.
17:19Pop.
17:19What, what, what?
17:20Will somebody please tell me why everyone looks like they just got a shot of Novocaine?
17:25Mrs. Solomon is Dougie's hygiene teacher.
17:30I mean, she's, she's the one who you, you, would you.
17:35Oh, boy.
17:41Believe me, Dougie, it was nothing.
17:43Dougie, how was I supposed to know she was her?
17:49She knew you were you.
17:53But she didn't know the other person was the other person, Dougie.
17:58Oh, so now you're trying to dazzle me with logic, is that it?
18:01Well, you could have at least had the decency to wait till I graduated.
18:05Who could ask the woman to wait that long?
18:09Don't worry, you don't have to.
18:12I'm going now.
18:14And I probably won't be back.
18:16Doug.
18:17I'm going to a place where not even love can find me.
18:20Yeah.
18:21As the bard said,
18:23I goeth to another placeth,
18:25where the night she'll never falleth,
18:27and the day she'll never endeth.
18:30You mean?
18:31Yes, I'll be a thief.
18:32Hey.
18:49Hi.
18:49Hi.
18:50Hi.
18:54You okay?
18:55Yeah, sure.
18:55I'm okay.
18:56You know, when I was a little kid,
18:59if I had a problem, I always came here.
19:02I used to hide in a truck.
19:04And I tried to sort all the garbage out, Joe.
19:07Your grandfather would find me and take me out and buy me some ice cream, and everything was okay.
19:12I wish I had some answers.
19:16I wish I had some ice cream.
19:17You know, the worst part about this is that Dougie doesn't know how much I hurt for him.
19:25I'll tell you, no kid can ever know how terrible it is for a parent to watch his child in pain
19:38and not be able to do a damn thing about it.
19:44Yeah.
19:47It's sort of like watching a replay of a horse falling down.
19:50I mean, you know the horse is going to fall down, but it's too late to tell the horse.
19:55Am I right?
19:56Well, yeah, in a way, I guess.
19:58It's an interesting analogy, but the...
20:00Dougie, what are you doing here?
20:08It's like you said.
20:10I used to come here when you needed to be alone.
20:12Me too.
20:14I hope you brought the marshmallow fudge.
20:21I can see this is going to be one of those man-to-man shots.
20:25I'll see you guys at Tasty Freeze.
20:26Okay.
20:33Doug.
20:34I told her it was over, Pop.
20:36I mean, it wouldn't have worked out anyway.
20:38I told her, you can grade my homework, you can ask me why my homework is late, but that's
20:47as far as it goes.
20:50Good, Doug.
20:51Good.
20:52Look, Doug, I know you think I let you down, but how can you be angry at me for running into
20:59Joanne, Mrs. Solomon, in a saloon?
21:04I'm not mad at you, Pop.
21:07You can be running away like that.
21:09Pop, when I saw you there with her, it hit me.
21:12I don't really love her.
21:15I mean, I like the way a person of your age can love someone.
21:21Now, tell me, Dougie, what do you think you were feeling?
21:26Well, she reminded me of mom.
21:30I mean...
21:31Maybe that's why I got scared when I saw you both together.
21:35I mean, is she gonna run out on us, too?
21:38Dougie.
21:39Dougie, Dougie, mom didn't run out on us.
21:45You're right, she ran out on you.
21:48Can you get that ice cream now?
21:49I need it.
21:50You want to ride on the truck, Dougie?
21:52Oh, yeah, you mean it?
21:55Yeah.
21:56All right.
21:57Oh, and Pop?
21:58Yeah, listen, Dougie, it's a fire.
21:59You know, flames?
22:00Yeah, well, what about the ice cream?
22:01On the way back, Doug, okay?
22:02On the way back.
22:03Come on, let's go.
22:03All right.
22:04Sit down with your hands.
22:05Sit down.
22:14I mean, you explained to him this is normal behavior for a person his age.
22:23I explained, Leo.
22:25I explained.
22:26Sure, I mean, we've all been through this, right, guys?
22:29Oh, yeah.
22:30Oh, yeah.
22:31Sure.
22:32Mrs. Adler.
22:34American history.
22:35Prime example.
22:37Mine was Miss DeMonda.
22:39Social studies.
22:40Max.
22:42Sister Immaculata.
22:44Boys Jim.
22:48Well, see, uh...
22:49Mrs. Adler.
22:51Gosh, gee, I haven't thought about her in years.
22:55The lilting laugh.
22:56Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:59Oh, so kindly, caring.
23:02I'd have crawled through fire for her.
23:04Now I crawl through fire anyway.
23:06Yeah, well, see, uh...
23:08Miss DeMonda.
23:11What a fox.
23:13She always looked like she just stepped out of a shower with Joe Namath.
23:17Wet, but not unhappy.
23:18Yeah, well, see, I told her.
23:21I said, uh...
23:22Sister Immaculata.
23:25Diablo, stupido.
23:26Black, black.
23:28God, I loved her.
23:32Mrs. A, I said, I...
23:35I know Mr. A is probably a great guy, but...
23:38But I...
23:41Feldman Leo.
23:44Row 3, seat 12.
23:46I...
23:47I...
23:49Can't go on!
23:52Oh, well.
23:53I love you, Miss DeMonda.
23:56I'll always love you.
23:58Oh, man.
24:01Hermana.
24:02Hermana.
24:04What?
24:05What?
24:05What?
24:06This is getting scary.
24:20Tomorrow, share Pinocchio's unforgettable adventure
24:23when he sets out to find a gift for Papa Geppetto
24:26in Pinocchio's Christmas,
24:28a holiday special for the whole family.
24:30Then the laughs go into overtime
24:32when a whacked-out basketball team shoots for the stars.
24:35In The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh,
24:38Jonathan Winters,
24:39Flip Wilson,
24:40and Meadowlark Lemon
24:41star on the ABC Friday Night Movie.
24:44Now stay tuned for Too Close for Comfort.
24:47Next, followed by It Takes Two.
24:48is from the
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