- 12 minutes ago
Live at the Apollo - Season 20 Episode 2 -
Mo Gilligan, Laura Smyth, Josh Pugh
Mo Gilligan, Laura Smyth, Josh Pugh
Category
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FunTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
00:18Mo Gilligan!
00:26Olly, olly, olly!
00:30Olly, olly, olly!
00:32Olly, olly, olly!
00:33Olly, olly, olly!
00:34Olly, olly, olly!
00:35Olly, olly, olly!
00:36Olly, olly, olly!
00:37Olly, olly, olly!
00:38Olly, olly, olly!
00:39Olly, olly, olly!
00:40Olly, olly, olly, olly!
00:41How are we doing, London town?
00:42Are you all right?
00:43Are you good?
00:44Fantastic stuff, man.
00:46So nice to be here at Live Video Apollo in Hammersmith.
00:50You're looking fantastic.
00:51Can I get a little woo, ladies and gentlemen?
00:53Woo!
00:54Yeah, man.
00:55Now, listen, right?
00:57When I started doing TV, 2016, right, people would often say to me, yeah?
01:02They're like, mate, you've only got this job.
01:03You've only won a BAFTA because you're ticking a box.
01:05That's right.
01:06Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:07No, you're ticking a box.
01:08It's because of diversity.
01:09So tonight, I'm going to give you the most blackest show I've ever given you.
01:13OK?
01:14We're going to say all the black words that never get to make it on TV.
01:18Look at all the black people.
01:19We're off.
01:20Finally, bro.
01:21This is what we've been fighting for, bro.
01:23I might say blood fire.
01:24Can I get a woo?
01:25Woo!
01:26I might even say blood clark.
01:28That's right.
01:29You liked that one, didn't you?
01:31Oh, gosh.
01:32Oh, my gosh.
01:33It's like Notting Hill in here, isn't it?
01:34And if you're lucky, I might even give you a bumba clark.
01:38Can I get a woo?
01:40Woo!
01:41South Londoners are loading up the invisible gun net.
01:45Yo, blood, hurry up.
01:46Hurry up.
01:47Hurry up.
01:48Listen, when I first started doing TV, yeah?
01:50Because this is the gun finger, yeah?
01:52If you're not familiar with this, this is what we call a gun finger, right?
01:55Now, sometimes you get a negative connotation that comes with the gun finger.
01:58Do you know what I mean?
01:59You know?
02:00You get a negative connotation, man.
02:01But that's not true.
02:02You can use it for the positive, my friend.
02:04Do you know what I mean?
02:05What's getting on, bruv?
02:06Happy birthday.
02:07You can do stuff like this.
02:08You can use it for the sad.
02:10Oh, what's getting on, Jerome?
02:11Oh, bro, my dog died.
02:12Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that, man.
02:14Yeah, man.
02:15But it's all right.
02:16Listen, he's going to be looking down for you on heaven.
02:17Do you know what I mean?
02:18Rough, rough.
02:19You can do stuff like this with the gun finger, yeah?
02:22Listen, the South London comes out, yeah?
02:25At times where it shouldn't come out for me, yeah?
02:27I go to church people, yeah?
02:28I go to Hillsong in Golders Green, right?
02:31And that's not a place where we should have a gun finger, madam.
02:34We should not have gun fingers, right?
02:35But when the spirit is inside you and a pastor said,
02:38if you can feel Jesus Christ, put your hands in there.
02:41I'm like, don't know.
02:42Oh, whoops.
02:43Oopsie.
02:45But no, I love living in London, man.
02:47You know, there's a recently, there was a debate.
02:49I don't know if you guys are familiar with this.
02:51There was a debate recently and they said,
02:53is London safer now or was it safer 10 years ago, right?
02:57No, I don't know.
02:58I don't know.
02:59I think London is safer now, personally.
03:01Do you know what I mean?
03:02Because we don't really have crime, you know,
03:03especially in central London, where we are right now.
03:05There's no real crime.
03:06Do you know what I mean?
03:07You know?
03:08Don't get me wrong.
03:09We get some pickpocketers.
03:10We get some pickpocketers, yeah?
03:12But the beautiful thing about living in this city, yeah?
03:14Londoners, we will mind our business.
03:16That's what we would do.
03:17We will see someone getting pickpocketed.
03:19And instead of speaking up, what do we do?
03:21We go, let me hold my phone a bit tighter.
03:24They're really out here stealing.
03:26Like, I don't know if you guys have seen,
03:28they've got this one lady on TikTok.
03:30Have you seen this woman?
03:31Attentione!
03:32It's pickpocket!
03:33Have you seen this lady?
03:34They're snitched.
03:35Let people pickpocket in peace.
03:40The most recent crime I see in central London is phone snatching.
03:44Yeah?
03:45That's the real crime.
03:46Yeah?
03:47Look at some of you right here.
03:48You know, some people got the little thing on their wrist and stuff.
03:51You know what I mean?
03:52Got your phone, connect to your wrist like a briefcase in Ocean's Eleven.
03:55Do you know what I mean?
03:56You know?
03:57I don't know, man.
03:58Listen, I kind of like the phone snatchers.
04:00You know why?
04:01Because that's a man who says,
04:02I'm going to rob and steal at 2pm.
04:05Do you know how crazy that is?
04:07That he puts on a balaclaba at 2pm and snatches your phone.
04:11But he doesn't do it on foot.
04:13He doesn't do it on foot.
04:14He does it on an electric bike.
04:17The fact that your phone just goes whoop,
04:19and you can just hear the bike going...
04:20That's a man who says, you know what?
04:25I don't care about society.
04:27I don't care about society.
04:29And you say, why?
04:30You know, because I don't know.
04:31I'm here to rob and steal.
04:32I don't care about society.
04:33What do you care about?
04:35My carbon footprints.
04:36Let me just load up this bike.
04:38But this is the top tier of comedy, people, yeah?
04:45This is live at the Apollo, ladies and gentlemen.
04:48This is the highest that you can get
04:50when it comes to doing comedy, you know?
04:52And I'm so pleased tonight to be able to host.
04:54I really, really am.
04:55You know, when you first start doing comedy,
04:57people say, mate, what you want to do?
04:58You know, you want to get on live at the Apollo?
05:00You're like, I will, man.
05:01Why are you talking like Ray Winston?
05:03Why are you talking like this, man?
05:05And here I am.
05:06You know, I've been able to do this before.
05:08But life wasn't like this.
05:09This was not my comedy journey, ladies and gentlemen.
05:11I started doing comedy on the black circuit, right?
05:14That's right.
05:15You have two circuits.
05:16You have the mainstream circuit and the black circuit.
05:18Now, the mainstream circuit is very different, right?
05:20Because you have comedy clubs that run from Monday to Sunday.
05:25Now, on the black circuit,
05:26we normally get about four shows a month, right?
05:29Dotted around different parts of London.
05:31You know how I came out earlier on, people?
05:33And I was like, ollie, ollie, ollie.
05:35Oi, oi, oi.
05:36I tried it.
05:37Done a show in Halston.
05:39I came out.
05:40So much confidence.
05:41I was like, hey, what's up?
05:42Ollie, ollie, ollie.
05:43One guy at the back was just like, suck your mum.
05:48It was awkward.
05:49My mum was there.
05:50She's laughing.
05:51I'm like, what are you laughing for?
05:52She's talking about you.
05:55Couldn't do any kind of crowd work.
05:57Because crowd work is huge now for the comedy community.
06:00You know, there's comedians out there that do crowd work now.
06:03You can put it on Instagram, YouTube.
06:05Your clip can go viral.
06:06You can even tour off the back of crowd work.
06:09It's sensational.
06:10Now, in the black community, especially at black comedy shows,
06:12we don't do any crowd work.
06:14You know, but I thought, let me break the mould.
06:16There was, let's say, there was someone where you were sitting,
06:18madam, right?
06:19And this lady had a cross on.
06:20I thought, perfect.
06:21I go to church.
06:22I can connect with this lady.
06:23She's a woman of God.
06:24She's not going to judge me.
06:25I said, hey, what's up?
06:26I see you.
06:27You got the cross on.
06:28This woman looked at me.
06:29She was like, big man, do the jokes.
06:34I was afraid for my life.
06:36I was like, why is your voice so deep, Chantel?
06:38Your voice is deep.
06:42But doing this job is great.
06:44It pays very well.
06:45You know, it pays very well.
06:46And some people ask me, and they say,
06:47Mo, you're doing all right for yourself now.
06:48Let me ask you something.
06:49Does money change you?
06:51I said, what?
06:52Money?
06:53Change me.
06:54Does money change me?
06:55Of course.
06:56100%.
06:57100%.
06:58No, money doesn't change you.
06:59Money makes you curious.
07:01I think that's what I believe.
07:02I think money doesn't change you.
07:04It makes you curious.
07:05Because we didn't grow up with a lot of money.
07:07We grew up poor.
07:08We didn't know we grew up poor until you kind of come home and you get a poor meal.
07:12You know, that's when you come home and your mum cooks corned beef and rice.
07:16And that's when you come in for a long day of school and you're like, oh, we're fucked.
07:20There's no money.
07:21Now, when you're 10 years old, you don't understand what it's like to be poor.
07:25You know, asking my mum for a pound.
07:27I'm like, mum, have you got a pound?
07:29My mum would say things.
07:30And as a child, you take it literally.
07:31You take it to heart.
07:32I was like, mum, have you got a pound?
07:33My mum's like, listen, I don't have two pounds to rub together right now.
07:37I was like, you ain't got two.
07:38Look at the sofas.
07:39Why are you watching Ricky Lake and Kilroy?
07:40Let's find some money here, man.
07:41How ain't you got two?
07:42You got three kids, a house.
07:43How do you have two pounds to rub together?
07:46Actually, furthermore, where is my child support?
07:48Where's that money going?
07:49Because that's what we do when you grow up.
07:50You're like, where did the child support money, mum go?
07:51Where's that?
07:52Buying Lamborghini and cigarettes.
07:53What do you mean?
07:54Where's the money?
07:55But growing up, Paul teaches you a lot about life.
07:56You know, buying name-brand food.
07:57We didn't even get to go to name-brand supermarkets growing up.
07:58Because I believe there was a league table.
07:59You know, you had your Sainsbury's, you had your Tesco, you know, you had Morrisons.
08:03Back in the day, it wasn't called Morrisons, it was called Safeway, yeah?
08:07That let all us poor people know this is the safe way.
08:09That let all us poor people know this is the safe way.
08:11You know, you had your Sainsbury's, you had your Tesco, you had Morrisons.
08:16Back in the day, it wasn't called Morrisons, it was called Safeway.
08:20Yeah?
08:21That let all us poor people know this is the safe way to shop, okay?
08:26I didn't get to go to any of these supermarkets.
08:28I went to a supermarket called Quicksave.
08:30Do you guys remember Quicksave?
08:32Quicksave, don't woo.
08:34Listen, Quicksave.
08:36Quicksave was horrible.
08:37Do you know why?
08:38I'll tell you why.
08:39Because Quicksave had their own branded food, right?
08:41Now, in some branded food, they would call it essentials, yeah?
08:44Do you know what Quicksave called it?
08:45No frills.
08:46Do you know how fucked up that is?
08:48I said, you're so poor, there's no frills in this food, yeah?
08:53We would buy beans.
08:54We didn't know if they were baked beans, kidney beans, runner beans.
08:57We didn't know what beans these were, yeah?
09:00We didn't have no branded food at all.
09:02And that's okay.
09:03You know, you grow up until you go to a friend's house,
09:05and they have branded food.
09:07You know, I went to one of my middle-class friend's house.
09:09You know, they was like, Moe, Moe, would you like some Ribena?
09:13I said, yeah, I love some Ribena.
09:15He took out a carton of the fridge.
09:17I said, Pierre, bruv, we're both going to get beets.
09:20What are you doing, bruv?
09:21Put that carton back.
09:22You know, he gave me the juice, he poured it up to the top,
09:25and then he was like, Moe, Moe, would you care for a biscuit?
09:28I said, I love a biscuit.
09:30He had a biscuit tin.
09:32I said to myself, if this boy pulls out a chocolate McVitie's biscuit,
09:36I'm going to slap his mum in the chest.
09:38There's no way.
09:40We didn't have any branded food, even biscuits.
09:42We didn't have any branded biscuits.
09:44We grew up poor.
09:45We had biscuits called broken biscuits.
09:48Are you guys familiar with what broken biscuits are?
09:51These are the biscuits that are like hobnobs that are broken.
09:55Pink wafers that are blue.
09:57You've just got all the injured biscuits.
10:00A custard cream with no custard, yeah?
10:03The bag was five kilograms.
10:05Like, I used to think, how does the factory work?
10:08Like, is it just like two guys at work in a factory,
10:11just sweeping up all the biscuits?
10:13And they're like, listen, we can't sell those.
10:15They're like, no, no, sweep them up, sweep them up.
10:17It's all right.
10:18Moe's mum will buy these.
10:24But no, money doesn't change you.
10:25It makes you curious.
10:26Even for where I'm at in life, I'm able to, you know,
10:29earn my own money, have my own living, you know.
10:32I started finding out secrets, though, when you have money, you know.
10:35Now I go to the top-tier supermarkets, yeah?
10:37I'll be going Waitrose.
10:38Hey, listen, middle-class white people,
10:41why did you not tell us about Waitrose?
10:42There's no security in there.
10:44Hey!
10:46Day one, I was stealing!
10:48On the self-checkout, you can't steal on the self-checkout.
10:51You go Tesco, you try to steal.
10:53Boop!
10:54They've got a camera there.
10:55Bow!
10:56It's right there.
10:57You can't steal nothing.
10:58Day one, I was like, boop!
10:59One for the bag.
11:00Boop!
11:01One for me.
11:02Boop!
11:03One for the bag.
11:04Boop!
11:05One for me.
11:06You try it out in one of these supermarkets now, you know.
11:08Seek assistance.
11:09Yeah?
11:10The light is flashing.
11:11Now you've got to pretend like you weren't trying to put fresh mangoes in your pocket.
11:15They're bulging out.
11:17He's like, oh, excuse me, I don't know what's going on.
11:20I don't know what's going on.
11:21And then this guy comes over.
11:22I don't know what piece of paper he has when he comes and he goes,
11:26it's all right, it's okay.
11:27Boop!
11:28I steal the mangoes too.
11:29You're like, what?
11:30I wasn't stealing mangoes, bro.
11:35Look at some of you like, yeah, I steal the mangoes as well.
11:37You know, yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:40It's different when you go to some of these middle-class establishments, man.
11:43Especially going Waitrose.
11:44I started buying middle-class food, man.
11:46Do you know what I mean?
11:47Because I know the entry level, you know, when you're middle-class is quiche.
11:50That's where you start.
11:51I started off with quiche.
11:52You know, I'm not just getting the ham and cheese quiche.
11:55You know, I'm experimenting.
11:56I'm getting spinach quiche, you know.
11:59And then I thought, rah, what's this bread everyone keeps talking about?
12:02Sourdough.
12:03Oh, my God.
12:05Why didn't you guys tell black people about sourdough?
12:08This stuff, at first, it's disgusting, black people.
12:11At first, sourdough is disgusting.
12:13Because sourdough, I'm like, what in the ancient Roman bread is this?
12:17After one day, this bread is like, no, I'm so hard.
12:21I'm not moving.
12:22I'm not moving.
12:23It's the hardest bread you've ever felt in your life.
12:25You ever tried to cut some sourdough, my friend?
12:27You ever tried cutting sourdough?
12:28You're just there, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz.
12:32Then I asked one of my friends, man.
12:34I said, Windthorpe, let me ask you something, bro.
12:40Why do you lot think I don't have friends that at Windthorpe?
12:42Why you...
12:44You lot looked at me like, nah, that's Jerome, bro.
12:46You don't know no Windthorpe.
12:47I said, bro, let me ask you something.
12:50Sourdough bread?
12:51I don't get it.
12:52I don't get it, man.
12:53You know?
12:54And he said to me, he's like, no, no, no.
12:56No, no, no.
12:57What you've got to do, you've got to get the sourdough, cut a thin slice,
13:00and then you toast it.
13:01I thought, oh, OK.
13:03I thought, all right, cool, I get it now.
13:05I was like, I tried to make a sandwich, man.
13:06I was chewing this bread for days, man.
13:12He goes, no, you have to toast it.
13:14You've got to toast it.
13:15So I did.
13:16I started toasting it.
13:17And then I was like, OK, cool.
13:18What do I put on it?
13:19Like, flora butter?
13:20He started laughing.
13:23Flora butter.
13:25Oh, my gosh.
13:26You're really showing where you grew up, don't you, bro?
13:28You're really showing where you're from, aren't you?
13:30I said, what do you mean?
13:31What do I put on it?
13:32And then I discovered Lurpak.
13:34Oh, my God.
13:37That stuff is delicious, you know?
13:39Hey, do you know how good Lurpak is?
13:41Listen, if I could invest, I would sell my house
13:44and put all the stocks in Lurpak.
13:47This is the nicest butter ever invented.
13:49I can see some middle class people like, hold it down, Mo Killigan.
13:53This butter is delicious.
13:55It's so nice.
13:56Listen, it's expensive.
13:57Don't get me wrong.
13:58Nine pounds for butter.
13:59Oh, my God.
14:01I was like, listen, I don't know if I can afford this.
14:03Look at some people right now.
14:04Okay, calm down, Bill Gates.
14:05This is some expensive butter.
14:07But it's delicious, man.
14:09Oh, my God.
14:10I don't waste any drop, boy.
14:11I'd be like, you know when you get the sides?
14:12I'd be like, listen, man, you might not feel the butter,
14:14but, you know, I put a little bit on my elbows.
14:16The best thing my money's ever done for me, you know,
14:19and I don't mean to say it in a way to show off,
14:21it's probably improved my health, you know.
14:23And when I say my health, my mental health as well.
14:25You know, I started going to therapy.
14:26Therapy's one of the best things ever.
14:27I try my best to promote therapy, you know, especially young men as well,
14:29man.
14:30Try your best to go to therapy.
14:31Do you know what I mean?
14:32You know, you can clap at that if you want.
14:33It's up to you.
14:34It will look.
14:35Oh, thank you very much.
14:38No, I try my best to go to therapy, man.
14:39Therapy's interesting, though, because the reason why I say it's interesting,
14:41I grew up in a community where we don't like sharing what's going on in our life.
14:46Do you know what I mean?
14:47Like the barbershop, the hair salon.
14:48That's where you kind of find out what's going on.
14:49You know what I mean?
14:50I try my best to go to therapy.
14:51I try my best to go to therapy.
14:52Do you know what I mean?
14:53You know, you can clap at that if you want.
14:54It's up to you.
14:55It will look.
14:56Oh, thank you very much.
15:00You're so nice.
15:01You know, you're like the barbershop, the hair salon.
15:02That's where you kind of find out what's going on.
15:04You know, that's where the gossip really starts.
15:06You know, I could never have heart-to-hearts with my dad.
15:09My dad came over here in the seventies by himself, moved to Brixton.
15:13Had to fight racism, you know, as a Rastafarian, you know, trying to tell my dad.
15:17Hey, dad, listen, man.
15:18You know, I'm thinking of going to therapy, opening up, trying to do better for my mental health.
15:22You know, my dad just looked at me, and he just said,
15:24Why are you gay?
15:25I was like, what is...
15:27It's like, what is wrong with you? You're so childish, man.
15:30You're so childish.
15:33How do you even know that joke? How do you, what? How do you know that?
15:38No, I went to therapy, my friend. I loved going to therapy, man.
15:42It's very hard at first, though, to open up. Very, very hard.
15:45You know, my therapist would say, Mo, you seem like you're holding back.
15:48I said, I'm not holding back, man.
15:50You know, she goes, open up. How do you feel?
15:53I said, I don't know.
15:53And then she tried to, you know, she tapped into me.
15:55And this was quite weird, man.
15:57She was like, does your job make you feel like a superhero?
16:00And I said, oh, okay. Analogies. I love analogies.
16:03I said, it kind of does a little bit.
16:04She goes, go on, expand.
16:06I said, well, listen, man, doing this job, it can make you feel like Batman.
16:09It can make you put on a cape, go at night, be the crusader,
16:12make everyone laugh, you lift up the spirits.
16:15But, you know, daytime, I go back home.
16:17I'm Bruce Wayne, I take off the mask, and I'm eating sourdough and lurpak.
16:22And she goes, how does that make you feel deep down?
16:24I said, I don't know, you know.
16:26Makes me feel a little bit down.
16:28She goes, it's okay.
16:29This is a safe space.
16:30Open up.
16:31Tell me how you feel.
16:32Now, the problem is, when you go to therapy, one, you're paying for it.
16:35So you do have to be very, very open.
16:37And two, you're on the clock.
16:38Now, I didn't notice, right?
16:40So I start opening up.
16:41And she goes, no, it's a safe space.
16:43It's okay.
16:44I said, listen, I do feel really, really depressed.
16:45I feel like sometimes I have a community on my back.
16:49And having a community on my back means that I have to be, you know, very, very, you know,
16:53sometimes black, black, black on TV, but then sometimes not too black enough.
16:56Do you know what I mean?
16:57So sometimes I'm in this weird juxtaposition place.
16:59And that can sometimes make me feel depressed, you know.
17:02And she goes, see, that's where we are.
17:03But do you feel depressed?
17:05And I said, rah, I actually do feel depressed.
17:08And she looked at me and she goes, well, that's time.
17:13I said, bro, put the money on the fucking clock.
17:15Are you serious, bro?
17:19But listen, we have a fantastic show for you lovely people tonight.
17:24Is that all right, people?
17:25Can we bring it up a little bit more, a little bit lighter, a little bit lighter?
17:33Please, welcome to the stage, Laura Smith!
17:36Thank you, thank you.
17:56And how are you all doing, Apollo?
17:59You all had a good day?
18:01I am.
18:03I've had a bit of bad news.
18:05It's worse than that.
18:09Listen, I've been doctors.
18:12I had my BMI checked.
18:14It turns out I'm too short.
18:22We're just processing that as a family.
18:27I keep finishing the kids' dinners.
18:28Do you do that?
18:29I say, I hate waste.
18:30I hate waste.
18:31I never finish their salad or broccoli.
18:33Just sort of eating chicken nuggets over the bin.
18:38I've got three children.
18:39I've got a 23-year-old, a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old.
18:44Yeah, different dads.
18:45Fuck off.
18:46But the...
18:47Parenting's changed, though.
18:51It's all changed.
18:52It's all gentrified now.
18:53Parenting's been gentrified.
18:55They all do this gentle parenting.
18:57Have we heard of this gentle parenting?
19:00Right, I'll explain.
19:01For them that don't know, gentle parenting is where a middle-class woman is getting beaten up by her son called Oscar.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:07And all she says to Oscar is, I know you've got big feelings.
19:15LAUGHTER
19:15That's it.
19:17That's all she says.
19:17And my kids wouldn't dare, because you know who else has got big feelings?
19:21Mummy!
19:23Mummy's got big feelings because she drank a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc last night and she can't control this eyeball.
19:28So get your bloody shoes on!
19:30LAUGHTER
19:31East London's changed, but the gentrification, it gets to you.
19:35It gets to your kids.
19:38I talk like this.
19:39My family talk like this.
19:40I won't lie to you.
19:40My eldest, she kind of...
19:42She kind of talks like this.
19:44LAUGHTER
19:45She's a bit like, rah, where's my back here?
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48I sort of want to break her jaw for her, if I'm honest.
19:52LAUGHTER
19:53The thing is, like, she kind of said they all do, all these young people.
19:58The thing is, when they're little, you can delude yourself, you're doing quite a good job, you know?
20:01But they emerge into those late teens, early 20s, and you do look at them and think, uh-oh.
20:07I might have raised a prick here.
20:08LAUGHTER
20:09LAUGHTER
20:10She kind of says everything, like she just invented it,
20:14and she's just checking you're on board.
20:17You know, she says, I'm just going to go upstairs.
20:21LAUGHTER
20:21Like, to bed?
20:25I'm like, yeah, stairs, bed, I pay for both of them.
20:28Jog on, enjoy yourself.
20:30LAUGHTER
20:30I'll tell you what she talks like.
20:31Have you ever heard rich American women ordering a restaurant?
20:36They act like they're the first people...
20:37People are nodding.
20:38They act like they're the first people to ever think of doing that.
20:41They go to the waiter, I think we're all going to have the burrata.
20:46LAUGHTER
20:47Like, the waiter's going to go, you what?
20:50You know?
20:51What's going on with burrata, by the way?
20:53What's the reason burrata come from?
20:55I love it.
20:55Don't you love it?
20:57Probably mugging off mozzarella, innit?
20:58It's like, I'm in there, clear off.
21:00LAUGHTER
21:01Mozzarella should have made up its mind.
21:03It's like, are you plastic grated cheese?
21:05Or are you just in a little wet ball bag?
21:07What are you, mozzarella?
21:09Because burrata knows and I love it.
21:12I'm here now, you rubbery little freak.
21:15You know what I mean?
21:17It's kind of done what Prosecco done to Carver about 20 years ago.
21:21Do you remember that?
21:22I'm the £10 fizz now.
21:24LAUGHTER
21:25Imagine bringing Carver to a dinner party nowadays.
21:30You'd get shot, wouldn't you?
21:31LAUGHTER
21:32Yeah, that's how she talks.
21:34And I'll tell you what, my daughter, she knows her rights.
21:36Lads, feminism, we've won.
21:38We've won.
21:39Feminism's won.
21:40These young women, they need knocking down a peg or two.
21:42I'll tell you that much.
21:43LAUGHTER
21:44She knows her rights.
21:45My God, does she know her rights.
21:46What I'm telling you, right, I found weed in her bedroom.
21:50Long story short, I apologise to her.
21:52LAUGHTER
21:53She's like, oh, my God, you've actually breached a boundary.
21:57LAUGHTER
21:59You've actually breached a boundary
22:01and now I feel emotionally unsafe in my own home.
22:05Well done, you, you're toxic.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:07I said, well, babes, I feel stoned.
22:12LAUGHTER
22:13I'm sorry, we'll have to talk about it later.
22:15LAUGHTER
22:16They're funny, isn't they?
22:18And I think the big ones spoil, I'll tell you what,
22:20the little ends are worse.
22:21The little ends are worse.
22:22I took my kids to Disneyland recently.
22:24LAUGHTER
22:25Thanks, so patronising.
22:28Who's done Disneyland?
22:29LAUGHTER
22:31Right, I'm telling you, I thought I was going to be cynical
22:33about Disney.
22:34Took the kids, they wanted to go,
22:35but something happens when you get into Disneyland.
22:38I'll tell you what, you see that purple castle,
22:40you lose your mind.
22:41LAUGHTER
22:42You go full Disney, didn't you?
22:43There's doughnuts shaped like Mickey Mouse.
22:45Nine euros.
22:46I'm like, yes, please, five of them.
22:48What do you want, kids?
22:48LAUGHTER
22:51You just go full Disney
22:52and then Mickey will appear on a balcony
22:54and it's like they've announced the new Pope.
22:56You're like, Mickey, Mickey, look at me, Mickey,
23:00Mickey, look at me.
23:01Elbowing Just The Wish kids out of the way.
23:03Mickey!
23:05He waved at me.
23:08You totally forget it's just some French prick
23:10in a suit that hates you.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:14And I like to play a game at Disneyland.
23:16You can do this, you can have this game.
23:17It's a lot of fun.
23:18I like to guess the nationality of people,
23:20cos there are people there from all over the world
23:23and it's quite fun guessing the nationality,
23:24like a whole family will rock up, you know,
23:27calf tattoos, no teeth on the tins,
23:29nan in a mobility scooter.
23:31You're like, oh, thank God, some English.
23:33LAUGHTER
23:35And then there'll be, like, Spanish or something.
23:37You're like, hello, cultural appropriation much?
23:39We invented that look.
23:40LAUGHTER
23:42You do, you just lose your mind at Disney.
23:44You just do too much.
23:45You go full Disney, too much merch.
23:47It's like Christmas, that's what it's like.
23:49You know when you just eat too much, drink too much, spend too much?
23:52Then January comes and you think,
23:55what was all that about?
23:56LAUGHTER
23:57That's what happens at Disneyland.
23:59And then you get back on the Eurostar
24:00and it's like the scales fall away, you know?
24:03You sort of three grand in a shtoop
24:05looking over at your husband,
24:07still with her ears on, thinking, oh...
24:09LAUGHTER
24:12I will never shag you again, you know?
24:14LAUGHTER
24:17Right, we're all mates now, so I'll tell you.
24:19I've hit a menopause.
24:21LAUGHTER
24:23So I'll tell you what menopause is like.
24:24It's like being gaslit by your own body, that's what it's like.
24:27LAUGHTER
24:29You know when you're due on and you're mad dog?
24:31You know when you're mad dog, when you hate your partner,
24:33you hate yourself, you hate everyone at work,
24:35but you're paranoid, they hate you,
24:37and you feel weird, sick, anxious, guilty,
24:39and in the end, you phone your sister and you're instantly regretted
24:41cos now she's got something on you.
24:42LAUGHTER
24:44And the next day, you get your periods and you go, oh...
24:46LAUGHTER
24:48LAUGHTER
24:50And you've got to try and be cute with your other half again,
24:52like, oh, shut up!
24:53LAUGHTER
24:55Obviously I weren't going to leave the kids, shut up!
24:57LAUGHTER
24:59I know, but was I snarling and throwing things, like,
25:02in a pants weight?
25:03LAUGHTER
25:05But he can't answer cos he's still hiding behind a bin lid
25:07with oven gloves on.
25:09LAUGHTER
25:09I'm telling you now, that's what the menopause is like,
25:11all the time, all the time!
25:15And that's why it's like being gaslit by your own body,
25:17cos you've got all this rage, you've got all this rage,
25:19and you don't know if the rage is hormones
25:21or if your husband is, in actual fact,
25:23a stupid, bloody useless prick
25:25that never bloody listens!
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28I don't know!
25:30I don't know!
25:32And then the hot flushes, you got the hot flushes?
25:34LAUGHTER
25:35Oi, these are insane, they're mad, didn't they?
25:38They're mad, that's what it is, they feel like embarrassment,
25:40and all of a sudden, you're red, you're sweating, you're hot,
25:42you know, it feels like embarrassment.
25:44But I've got a theory, right?
25:46That it ain't hormones, it is embarrassment.
25:49Listen, it's delayed embarrassment.
25:52It's flashbacks from your 20s.
25:54LAUGHTER
25:55About all the men you wasted time dating
25:58when you had a fully-functioning fanny.
25:59LAUGHTER
26:00And brilliant tits.
26:02Like, oh, my God, I paid for the cab!
26:05Open a window!
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07Oh, my God, he moved his lips when he read, oh!
26:10LAUGHTER
26:12He slept under a duvet with no cover on it, oh!
26:14LAUGHTER
26:15He had white stuff gathering there.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:19He pronounced it pacifically.
26:22LAUGHTER
26:24And that's all right, it's coming back to haunt you,
26:25that's what's going on.
26:26But listen, there's another symptom,
26:28I don't know if you're there yet, but I'm there,
26:30and I want to tell you all about it,
26:31cos it's coming for all you bitches, OK?
26:34And I did not know when it happened to me,
26:36I was so shocked when it happened to me,
26:38I didn't learn about it in school,
26:39I'd not read about it in books,
26:40Oprah hadn't mentioned it,
26:42not even Davina McCullough talked about it,
26:43she talks about bloody everything, doesn't she?
26:46Have a day off, Davina.
26:47Anyway, I digress.
26:49LAUGHTER
26:49It's coming for all you bitches, right?
26:52And here it is, vaginal dryness.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:55Listen, I can't run for a bus, I'd start a fire.
26:58LAUGHTER
26:59No, listen, it's hazardous down there, hazardous.
27:02They won't let me in California,
27:04it is hazardous down there, right?
27:06And it's not as if before it happens,
27:08you're walking about all cocky, like,
27:09yeah, I'm sopping wet, but when it goes, it's like...
27:12HE SIGHS
27:13HE SIGHS
27:15I thought my dog had eaten something spicy,
27:17I was chasing it round the kitchen.
27:18HE SIGHS
27:21And again, listen, that is meant to be hormonal,
27:25but recently, my husband has started wearing Crocs, so...
27:29LAUGHTER
27:30That could be shutting up shop down there, couldn't it?
27:32That could be snapping shit shut.
27:35He swore blind he'd just got them to do the gardening,
27:37but I've seen him do the school run in them,
27:38and I'm a bit of a face now, so I'm like,
27:40you get back here.
27:41HE SIGHS
27:42LAUGHTER
27:44I've got a strepsel up there in the end, erm...
27:46LAUGHTER
27:50It affects everything, it affects...
27:51Yeah, me and my husband have been together 13 years!
27:54HE SIGHS
27:56We went away for our anniversary, we had a spa break.
27:59HE SIGHS
28:01Listen, you can woo, but I'm telling you now,
28:03once you're over 40, even a spa break ain't that sexy, you know?
28:07You're both naked in the hot tub,
28:08and his scrotum keeps floating to the top.
28:10LAUGHTER
28:11I shit myself, I thought someone else was in there.
28:14LAUGHTER
28:15I'm trying to lean in for a kiss, get all cute,
28:17I'm trying to...
28:18Whoa, I'm like, batting...
28:19LAUGHTER
28:21..turned into soggy whack-a-mole, it was ridiculous.
28:25LAUGHTER
28:26And I'm not...
28:27Wait, listen, I'm not here to insult my husband's body.
28:30He is a good man.
28:31I'm not... Look, time and gravity and carbohydrates
28:34and saturated fats, they affect us all,
28:36is what I'm telling you, Apollo.
28:38And look, I'm aware of my own body limitations.
28:40I'm aware of my own body limitations.
28:42You know, I'm...
28:44What I'm telling you...
28:45I do not expect oral sex from my husband.
28:49I don't, he's a good man.
28:50LAUGHTER
28:51He's a good...
28:52You know, after three kids,
28:53it's more like a bush-tucker trial, honestly.
28:56LAUGHTER
28:57I couldn't bear to see his face afterwards all moist and haunted,
29:00you know?
29:01Man get a look in his eye, I might never leave him.
29:04And look, he's willing to go down there,
29:06of course he is, he's a feminist, but I...
29:08LAUGHTER
29:09But I don't relax, you know?
29:11When he goes down there, I go...
29:13I look at him the same way I'd look at a plumber
29:15come to fix an old washing machine, you know?
29:18I know it's not going to be good news.
29:20LAUGHTER
29:21Ego's down there, best will in the world,
29:24hammering away, phoning his mate,
29:26see if he's ever seen anything like it.
29:28LAUGHTER
29:30Yeah, you all right, Tone?
29:31Yeah, it's a bigger job than I thought.
29:33LAUGHTER
29:34And then I get more awkward, I'm like that.
29:36LAUGHTER
29:38You all right, Dan, now?
29:40LAUGHTER
29:42Do you want a cup of tea?
29:43LAUGHTER
29:44Oh, sorry, you're on the phone.
29:45You know, it just gets weird.
29:47LAUGHTER
29:48APPLAUSE
29:52But listen, I've been Laura Smith.
29:54You've been absolutely amazing.
29:57Enjoy your night. Thank you very much. God bless.
29:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:05Show your love and your energy to Laura Smith, everyone!
30:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:10All right, so I'm going to introduce you to your next comic.
30:14Please, let's get the clap starting from up here.
30:17Let's get a little bit louder and make some noise for Josh, please!
30:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:23Hello, Apollo, good evening!
30:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:38Thank you so much for having me. Feeling good?
30:39LAUGHTER
30:40I'm feeling good. I'm trying to be a good person this year.
30:432025 is the year that I start calling my toxic male friends out
30:49for their poor behaviour.
30:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:52Do you think that's a good thing to do?
30:54Yes!
30:55Absolutely. Do you guys know what love bombing is?
30:57If you don't know, love bombing is when somebody bombards their partner
31:00with affection and it creates, like, a weird power dynamic.
31:03Well, I sadly caught a good friend of mine doing this a couple of weeks ago,
31:05we're all out together, and he starts making all these promises
31:08in front of everybody to his partner.
31:09He says we've got to take care of her and look after her.
31:11I thought, that's strange.
31:12And then later in the day, this guy gets up,
31:14he does a speech about how much he means to him,
31:17how he's never going to leave her, and it was hard for me to do,
31:19but I actually took him to one side, I was like,
31:20listen, mate, what you're doing here, it's not cool,
31:23it's actually very toxic, it's a form of abuse,
31:25it's called love bombing.
31:26And that was hard for me to do. He got really defensive,
31:28started saying it was his wedding day and all this.
31:30LAUGHTER
31:35I had to call it out, I've seen it and I had to call it out.
31:39I'm at a lot of weddings at the minute, to be honest with you,
31:41I think it's my age, I'm in my thirties,
31:43and it's a lot every other weekend.
31:44It's a wedding, and you've got to get the gifts for the weddings,
31:47and usually, my wife, she's very organised,
31:49she gets the gifts for the couples,
31:51and she usually gets the gifts, right, from a website
31:53called notonthehighstreet.com.
31:57Are you familiar with this website?
31:59If you don't know it, it's things like not on the high street.
32:02They've nailed it, really.
32:04And the reason you won't find those items on the high street...
32:07LAUGHTER
32:08..is because no high street retailer, in their right mind,
32:12would stock any of it.
32:14LAUGHTER
32:15It's all complete dog shit.
32:16Answer me this.
32:17Why would anybody need a personalised chopping board?
32:21LAUGHTER
32:23Now, as an item, chopping boards,
32:25they don't really leave the house.
32:27LAUGHTER
32:29THEY'RE NOT GETTING MIXED UP WITH OTHER CHOPPING BOARDS.
32:34I've never woke up to a phone call from a friend one morning.
32:37You're right, mate, bit of an awkward one.
32:38Yeah, I'm asking him now.
32:40He didn't pick up on a chopping board last night.
32:42LAUGHTER
32:44I love to shop, though. I'm a big shopper myself.
32:47I love the gadgets. I always get the gadget.
32:49You know, every year, they bring out a new gadget?
32:51I'm saying, I'm going to get that gadget,
32:52and that gadget will make me happy.
32:54I buy the gadget, three weeks later,
32:56it's in a cupboard, and I'm still miserable.
32:58I've had them all over the years, you name it.
32:59I've had the George Foreman grill.
33:01I've had the spiraliser.
33:03I've had the Nutribullet.
33:04I've had the Nespresso coffee machine.
33:06I've had the inflatable hot tub.
33:08I've had the Fleshlight.
33:09I've had them all, right?
33:10LAUGHTER
33:12You name it.
33:13And what's the latest gadget that people say you should get?
33:16What's the latest gadget people say you should get?
33:18Airfryer.
33:18You know it. The Airfryer.
33:20People love telling you to get the Airfryer, don't they?
33:24People will not miss an opportunity
33:27to recommend an Airfryer to somebody.
33:30Any situation, you might, you know what, mate?
33:32I'm actually really depressed at the minute.
33:33LAUGHTER
33:35I'm having a really, really tough time.
33:37I've actually made a decision.
33:38When I get home from work this evening,
33:40I'm going to go into the kitchen,
33:41I'm going to put my head in the oven,
33:43and I'm just going to end everything.
33:44Now, if someone pipe up on, mate,
33:46you should do that in the Airfryer.
33:47LAUGHTER
33:49You'd be dead in the quarter of the time
33:51if you do it in the Airfryer, so...
33:52LAUGHTER
33:53It's actually a much healthier way to die, the Airfryer.
33:56Brilliant.
33:57Favourite gadget of all time, if I had to choose one,
34:00would probably be the George Foreman grill.
34:03Great piece of machinery, I'm sure you'll agree with that.
34:05And we sadly lost big George Foreman.
34:07Heartbroken, love George Foreman.
34:09And I was watching a news break of George Foreman's death
34:11with my little brother, he's much younger than me.
34:13And my little brother, right, he didn't realise that before the grill,
34:17that George Foreman was formerly the heavyweight boxing champion of the world.
34:21LAUGHTER
34:22He didn't know that.
34:23And it absolutely blew his mind.
34:26Well, it would do, wouldn't it?
34:27That's what I was finding out this evening,
34:29that Russell Hobbs was the lead singer of Led Zeppelin.
34:32LAUGHTER
34:34I'm from a small town in the Midlands, I love it there,
34:39I've never left, I never would leave.
34:41And a lot of my friends are from there,
34:42and I went to school with them, and they do real jobs.
34:44Proper, like, hard-working jobs, like they do plastering,
34:47or tarmacking, or work in factories.
34:49But I've got new friends as well now, cos I do this,
34:51I've got kind of arty, middle-class city friends,
34:54and they're great as well. I love hanging round with them.
34:56They say things like, erm...
34:57I know a great ramen place.
35:00LAUGHTER
35:01I love you guys, I don't know what you're talking about, but...
35:03They're great, I'm loving hanging round with them.
35:05You know what I've found about this new,
35:07arty, middle-class group of friends I'm hanging round with?
35:09They're actually nice to each other.
35:11LAUGHTER
35:12It's a complete alien concept to me, right?
35:14I went out the other day in London with them,
35:16one of the guys, a man, right,
35:17he came out with a tote bag over his shoulder.
35:21Nobody said anything to him, everybody just accepted it.
35:23LAUGHTER
35:27No-one shattered it, chucked it on the roof.
35:28It was beautiful, beautiful people.
35:30LAUGHTER
35:32Cos I think, as a man, we're not as good at making friends, blokes.
35:35We're not as good at getting to know each other,
35:36because we're a bit weird.
35:37Like, we want to get to know each other, blokes.
35:39We want to find out about each other,
35:40but none of us want to appear vulnerable.
35:41So what I notice blokes will do, right,
35:43we'll ask questions to get to know each other,
35:45but we'll frame those questions in, like, a needlessly macho way.
35:49I was on a stag do with a guy last year, I didn't really know.
35:51Hop up at the conversation, he goes,
35:52Josh, here's a question for you.
35:54If you were on death row, what would your meal be?
35:59I was like, can't you just ask me what food I like?
36:03LAUGHTER
36:06What have I got to be on death row for this?
36:09I've got, like, a needlessly morbid detail.
36:12OK, I've got a question for you, then, actually.
36:14If you had to give your kids up for adoption,
36:16what album would you listen to on their way to the orphanage?
36:24Just trying to get to know each other, you know? But, erm...
36:28Very lucky. I've got a couple of kids as well.
36:29I've got two young boys.
36:31I've got a three-year-old and a seven-month-old.
36:33Er, the greatest of parents in the room?
36:36Yeah, it's great.
36:37Now, I don't know if this is a universal experience,
36:39but what I'm finding with my children is, right,
36:41they don't like the feeling of, like,
36:43being asleep.
36:46Have you noticed this?
36:48I'm finding that they much prefer to be awake.
36:50That's what I'm finding.
36:51My eldest, he's never slept, right?
36:53Every night, I put him down about half seven.
36:54By ten o'clock, he's awake.
36:56Then he comes into my bed.
36:57Then I go into his bed.
36:59And every night, I'm surrounded by cuddly toys
37:01looking at fluorescent stars on the ceiling.
37:03I just think, I've got this wrong.
37:05This has gone wrong here.
37:06I'm paying the mortgage.
37:08I'm trying to sleep in a four-foot Lightning McQueen bed.
37:10LAUGHTER
37:11He's in my bed, listening to me on the baby monitor.
37:16That's the wrong way round, surely.
37:17LAUGHTER
37:19Completely the wrong way down.
37:21I'll get downstairs in the morning, he's got a coffee and a paper.
37:23What time do you call this?
37:25LAUGHTER
37:27It's hard parenting.
37:28It's hard, it's challenging, it's tiring,
37:30but there's another side of parenting
37:32that people don't talk about as much.
37:34It's also as well, of course, very, very boring.
37:38LAUGHTER
37:39It's boring as well.
37:40People do not prepare me for how boring having children is, right?
37:43My eldest, he's three years old.
37:45I'm not being arrogant here at Hammersmith,
37:47but I'm much more advanced than he is.
37:49LAUGHTER
37:50I'm much further along in my development,
37:52and yet we spend all day doing everything that he wants to do, right?
37:55LAUGHTER
37:56Sometimes my wife gets back, she's like, if you had a good day today...
37:58I'm like, no!
38:00I've been massively under-stimulated, to be honest with you.
38:03LAUGHTER
38:05We did a jigsaw earlier today that had four pieces in it.
38:08That's just not enough for me.
38:09LAUGHTER
38:11And he's struggling with it.
38:13He's going, Daddy, we need to find the corners.
38:15Like, mate, it's all corners, there's four pieces.
38:17LAUGHTER
38:18The whole thing is corners.
38:20LAUGHTER
38:23Trying to do a good job parenting.
38:25I think the key is to not stress about it.
38:26Do your best, don't stress.
38:27If I had to describe my parenting style in one word,
38:30I'd probably say, efficient, is what I'm saying.
38:33I'm parenting smart rather than hard.
38:35My eldest has got to start school soon,
38:36and my wife's like,
38:37what school do you think we're going to send him to?
38:39I'm like, well, you know,
38:41the nearest one to our house, I would have thought.
38:43LAUGHTER
38:44She's like, no, no, we should meet a few other schools,
38:46find out where their core values are.
38:48That's not going to tell you what my core value is.
38:50Convenience.
38:52LAUGHTER
38:55There was a school at the end of my road.
38:58I cannot stress to you guys
39:00how bad that school would need to be...
39:03LAUGHTER
39:04..for my kid to not be going to it.
39:06LAUGHTER
39:07That could be a jihadi training centre...
39:09LAUGHTER
39:11..with a paedophile headmaster.
39:13LAUGHTER
39:14If he can walk himself there...
39:16..sign him up, he'll be absolutely fine.
39:19LAUGHTER
39:21I've got my in-laws as well.
39:23Very fortunate to have my in-laws.
39:24He's got a wonderful father-in-law.
39:25He can do anything around the house.
39:27He can do anything.
39:28He can do electrics, woodwork, whatever.
39:30And I cannot recommend that enough,
39:31to have somebody in your life that can do...
39:33I actually think now,
39:34that's the number one thing that I look for
39:36in a sexual partner now.
39:37LAUGHTER
39:38It's for them to have a dad lit as good at DIY.
39:40LAUGHTER
39:41Honestly, if you go on a date,
39:42that should be your first question always,
39:44what does your dad do for a living?
39:46He's a plumber.
39:47I would love to see you again.
39:48I would love to see you again.
39:49LAUGHTER
39:50Honestly, if I was ever single again,
39:52I wouldn't do Hinge,
39:53I wouldn't do Tinder.
39:54I'd get untrusted trader, right?
39:56LAUGHTER
40:01And I'd work backwards from there.
40:02That's how I'd do it.
40:03APPLAUSE
40:06It's great.
40:07I hope I've done the right thing, having kids as well,
40:09because it's a scary world out there.
40:11People are angry out there.
40:12People are very angry at lots of things.
40:14People are angry at the water companies at the minute.
40:15People are very angry at the water companies,
40:17and absolutely...
40:18Listen, I'm angry at the water companies as well.
40:20I'll tell you who does deserve respect, though.
40:22The sparkling water companies.
40:25What an incredible industry the sparkling water industry is.
40:28An industry built entirely on a product
40:31that 90% of people only ever buy by mistake.
40:35LAUGHTER
40:38Did you know that in the UK last year
40:40only one in ten bottles of sparkling water
40:41were bought intentionally, you know that?
40:43Only one person wanted it.
40:45It was a nine-gallard shop like...
40:46Oh, for fuck's sake!
40:48LAUGHTER
40:50Down at the sparkling water factories,
40:51those guys can't believe it.
40:52They're like, keep making it!
40:53Keep making it!
40:54Get the word sparkle as small as you can on the bottles.
40:56Keep doing it!
40:57Keep doing it!
40:58What I'm on it, by the way,
41:01how are hot water bottles still a thing?
41:03How are hot water bottles still a thing?
41:05How have they slipped through the health and safety net?
41:08Imagine trying to get the hot water bottle off the ground
41:12now as an invention in 2025.
41:14What is it, then?
41:15Oh, basically what it is, mate.
41:16It's a sack of boiling water...
41:18LAUGHTER
41:19..that you take to bed with you.
41:21Wow, that sounds lethal.
41:23Erm...
41:24Can I just ask, how are you filling that up?
41:25Oh, just directly from the kettle through a hole that big.
41:27LAUGHTER
41:29The size of a two-pence piece, just kind of...
41:31Also, it's completely opaque cos you can't see what you put in,
41:34you've got to just squeeze it out for the best.
41:36OK, well...
41:37LAUGHTER
41:38Who are you thinking of selling that to?
41:41We're thinking old people and pregnant women, OK?
41:43LAUGHTER
41:44LAUGHTER
41:49We've got, er...
41:50We've got one hope, I think, for the future,
41:52and that's teachers.
41:53I love teachers, I've got so much respect for teachers.
41:55Yeah, absolutely.
41:56They get treated so badly in this country
41:58and they go on strike and they get treated badly,
42:00and absolutely solidarity with those guys.
42:02They get treated awfully.
42:03But whenever I see a teacher getting treated badly,
42:05I always think, what did you expect?
42:08LAUGHTER
42:09Do you know what I mean?
42:10We all know that teachers get treated badly.
42:12That is the one job
42:13that we all got to see close up when we were kids.
42:16LAUGHTER
42:17We could see them getting treated badly then,
42:18we were treating them badly ourselves then.
42:20And yet people are still joining the teaching profession.
42:23What are you thinking?
42:25Do you know what I blame for this?
42:26Those get-into-teaching adverts.
42:28LAUGHTER
42:29They're too good.
42:30The new you get me every time I'm at home watching TV,
42:32one comes on, it's always the same.
42:33Young guy, early thirties,
42:35incredible bone structure,
42:37lovely M&S cardigan.
42:39He's on the playground high-fiving the kids,
42:41like, yeah, go on, buddy.
42:47LAUGHTER
42:48Get into teaching.
42:49Like, I fucking might get into teaching, actually.
42:51LAUGHTER
42:52That looks quality.
42:53I could shape a young life.
42:54That's not the reality.
42:55They should show the reality.
42:56That same guy in his lunch hour,
42:58chain-smoking in a Nissan Micra.
43:00LAUGHTER
43:02Crying his eyes out,
43:03he's found TikToks a kid's been making,
43:04saying that he fucks dogs.
43:05That's the reality.
43:07Listen, I'll be Josh Pugh.
43:08Thank you so much, Apollo.
43:09See you soon.
43:10Check out, thank you.
43:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:14Show some love one more time to Josh Pugh!
43:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:19Please give up for everybody that you've seen tonight.
43:21You've seen Laura Smith.
43:23Can we make some noise for Laura Smith?
43:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:26You've seen Josh Pugh.
43:27Make some noise for Josh Pugh!
43:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:30And my name has been Mo Gilligan.
43:33Take care and goodnight.
43:34See you later.
43:35Peace!
43:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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