#Mind Your Language
#Season 3
#Episode 7
#The School Fete
#Season 3
#Episode 7
#The School Fete
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Do-do-do-do-do
00:30Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-wa
00:33Do-do-do-do-do-do-wa
00:35Oh, Mr. Bride, is this the more jumble for our school fates?
00:51Yes, just a few things my students brought in.
00:54What are these?
00:57Seek underwear from Ranjeet.
01:00Oh, well, I suppose we can always ask the needlework class to sew up the flies
01:03and take a bit off the legs and put them in as a pair of football shorts.
01:08Thoughts of Chairman Mao. No need to ask where that came from.
01:13Daniel?
01:14Max.
01:17I beg your pardon.
01:18He swears he found it in his pocket. There's no idea how it got there.
01:22Likely story.
01:23Well, you better bring this along to my office later and we'll lock it up with all the rest of the staff until Saturday.
01:28Very well.
01:29By the way, we've got one.
01:31On what?
01:32Don't you ever read the notice board?
01:33I don't get a look.
01:34Obviously not.
01:35There has been a notice on the board for the past two weeks to the effect that we were hoping to get a celebrity to open our school fates.
01:42Oh, yes, I remember now. Who have you got?
01:44Robert Dougal.
01:45Oh.
01:46You remember? He used to read the news.
01:48You?
01:48I've got the art class making stickers with his name on to put across the posters.
01:55Buenas noches, señora.
01:57Oh, good evening, Mr. Cervantes.
01:59How's your English?
02:00Por favor.
02:01Your English?
02:03Your English.
02:05Mi Spanish.
02:07Sorry I asked.
02:08Yes.
02:13Where are the others?
02:14Everybody's coming pronto.
02:15Oh, good.
02:16I come first to talk how you say, uh, ombre to ombre.
02:21Man to man.
02:22Eh, sorry.
02:23I have met a beautiful señorita.
02:26No, no, no.
02:26I have met a beautiful girl.
02:29Eh, just like me.
02:31What's her name?
02:32No, no, no.
02:32I haven't met anyone.
02:33I was merely correcting your English.
02:35Eh, Spanish.
02:36Yeah.
02:36Why?
02:37Eh, sorry, sorry.
02:39Well, I want to take Rita, that's her name, away for the weekend holiday.
02:44But she lives with her mother, and she thinks maybe her mother not let her come away with
02:48me.
02:49What can I do?
02:50Well, why don't you ask her mother?
02:51I don't want to go away with her mother.
02:53What's Rita's mother if you can go away with her on holiday?
02:56You think, uh, she say yes?
02:58I have no idea.
02:59What are your intentions?
03:00Por favor.
03:00I'll be blunt.
03:03Are you hoping to get Rita into your room?
03:05No.
03:06Good.
03:06No, my room.
03:08Her room.
03:08Very good.
03:09One room.
03:10Yeah, well, in that case, I can't help you.
03:12You just have to make your own decision.
03:14Eh, sorry.
03:16Yes.
03:19Squeeze, please.
03:20I'm buying you a cup of tea.
03:22Oh.
03:23Thank you, Ali.
03:24I am buying you a chocolate biscuit.
03:27Oh, thank you, Ranjit.
03:29Unfortunately, while I'm coming from the canteen, I am eating it.
03:34Well, never mind.
03:35It's the thought that counts.
03:37Cheers.
03:39That's funny.
03:40What is it?
03:41This tea tastes like coffee.
03:42Excuse me, please.
03:50The tea is tasting like coffee.
03:54Oh, blimey.
03:57That is explaining it.
03:59Explaining what?
04:00All the time I'm being in the canteen, I'm thinking my coffee is tasting like tea.
04:06Well, never mind.
04:06I don't think I'll bother.
04:07Sit down, everybody.
04:09Right, we've still got a lot to do tonight.
04:12Um, Max.
04:15Would you put that cigar out, please?
04:18Sorry, Bosch.
04:19Right, now, before we go any further, I want to talk to you about the school fate.
04:22We are looking forward to it.
04:24I think of someone famous to open it.
04:26Yes, Robert Dougal.
04:28Never heard of him.
04:30I am to see him on television, Master G.
04:33Dougal, Florence, Anne, Sandy.
04:36Oh, that's a doggy sort of Dougal.
04:40This is Robert Dougal, who used to be a newsreader, only he's retired now.
04:44Oh, that's no good.
04:47It's much better we get somebody who reads the news now.
04:50Like at that Angela Ripoff.
04:51I am liking the other one better, Annie Minnie.
04:59Annie Minnie?
05:01She's reading the news on ITV.
05:04Anna Ford.
05:06Ronka.
05:07Miss Courtney should have asked me.
05:12What for?
05:13You're not famous.
05:14No, but I'm a big friend or famous man on television.
05:18Another one of your fairy's tales.
05:21It's true.
05:22He's a big star of Celebrity Square Eyes.
05:25Eh, he's not Bob Monkeyhouse.
05:27No, Willie Rushington.
05:31No, the Cockney Man.
05:33What, Arthur Mullard?
05:34Yeah, that's him.
05:36You know him well.
05:37Like a brother.
05:38He would have been very happy to come and hope on the fate.
05:41Ah, well, it's too late now.
05:42We've already got Mr. Dougal.
05:43Now, what I would really like to know is what each of you are doing to help the fate to raise money.
05:47As you know, whatever we take goes to charity, so we obviously want to make as much as we can.
05:51This what we think of, we make a fortune.
05:53Good.
05:54Tell me what you're doing, Anna.
05:55Jamila and me, we bring some bathroom scales and we charge 2p for one weighing.
06:01Oh, that's an excellent idea.
06:03Ali, what are you doing?
06:04Oh, Ranjit and I are having a very good game.
06:07We are putting empty tins on a piece of wood.
06:10And for only 5p, you can be throwing three bollies to be knocking them down.
06:16Are there any prizes?
06:17Oh, yes, please.
06:18If you are knocking three tins down, you are winning one pound.
06:22I don't want to worry you, Ali, but you could lose money on that.
06:25Oh, no.
06:25You are being mistaken.
06:27Nobody's knocking down your own one tint.
06:30Well, why not?
06:31We are nailing the tins to the piece of wood.
06:35Very ingenious.
06:37What are you doing?
06:38Ah, I make plenty money with Daniel.
06:40Doing what?
06:42Selling kisses.
06:43Of course, we have plenty fun.
06:45How much are you selling your kisses for?
06:475p, 10p, and 15p.
06:51But what's the difference?
06:51Eh, I show you.
06:57For 5p, you kiss on one cheek.
07:00For 10p, you kiss on the bow, sir, chick.
07:05And for 15p...
07:09Eh, I buy one of them 15p kisses.
07:18I don't kiss you.
07:19Not a you, Daniel, you great Spanish paella.
07:22Eh, you don't speak to me like that, you macaroni face.
07:27Right, little do.
07:28Sit down and behave yourself.
07:30That means you.
07:32All right.
07:32Sure.
07:33Right, um, Max, what have you in mind for Saturday?
07:37I tell you.
07:39Then Bosch asked me to tell him.
07:41We both to tell him.
07:43Okay.
07:45We got a great idea.
07:47We got a great idea.
07:48Jammer jars.
07:49Jammer jars.
07:50Jammer jars?
07:51That's right.
07:52That's right.
07:53You're beginning to sound like an echo, Max.
07:54Do you have to repeat everything Giovanni says?
07:56Sorry, boss.
07:57First, we get the jam jars.
07:59First, we get the jam jars.
08:01Excuse me, sir.
08:02Excuse me.
08:03We put the jam jars on the floor,
08:05and people try to throw 10p into a jam jars.
08:09If they miss, we keep the 10p.
08:11And if they get one in?
08:13They win 5p.
08:14We can't believe it.
08:15Clever, eh?
08:16Yeah, I don't think you'll get too many takers.
08:18Tarot?
08:19Arse up.
08:20Yeah.
08:22Are you doing anything?
08:23Yes, sir.
08:25Swap or shopper?
08:26Swap or what?
08:27Oh, swap.
08:28Shop.
08:28Oh, yes.
08:29Mr Brown, Mr Courtney asked me to remind you to take the jumble in.
08:33Ah, thank you, Sid.
08:34I'll be there straight away.
08:35Right up.
08:36Right, I shan't be a minute.
08:37In the meantime, would you turn to page 130
08:39and study the chapter on clause analysis?
08:41Er, Max, would you clean the board?
08:44Okay, boss.
08:47Oh, no.
08:49Well, how awful.
08:51Are you sure?
08:52Oh, dear.
08:53Oh, dear.
08:55Yes, well, thank you very much for telling me.
08:58Goodbye.
09:00Bad news?
09:02Extremely.
09:03Mr Dougal has flu.
09:04He is confined to bed.
09:06Oh, great.
09:07There goes our celebrity.
09:08Well, now what are we going to do?
09:09We've got no one to open the fates.
09:11Just a minute.
09:12Max.
09:13Max?
09:14The Greek?
09:17Well, he's not a celebrity.
09:19No, no, no, no.
09:20But apparently he knows Arthur Mullard.
09:21You know that TV chubby?
09:23Oh, yes.
09:23I think I know the one you mean.
09:24Speaks a bit like Sidney.
09:27That's him.
09:27Oh, well, I suppose beggars can't be choosers.
09:31You think Mr Papandrias could get this, Mr Mallard?
09:34Mallard?
09:34Yeah, Mallard, yes.
09:36Oh, why don't we go and ask him?
09:37What a good idea, Mr Ballard.
09:43Right, Max, I wanted a word with you.
09:47I was telling Miss Courtney that you know Arthur Mullard.
09:52Well, you are, don't you?
09:54Oh, come on, speak up.
10:01Max, how many times do I have to tell you?
10:04Smoking is not allowed.
10:04Well, never mind about that now, Mr Brown.
10:07You know this Mr Mallard really well, do you?
10:09We are just like that.
10:11He'd do anything for me.
10:12And you say he'd be happy to open our fates?
10:14Sure he would.
10:15Oh, I expect he's far too busy.
10:17For me, he'd drop anything.
10:20Good.
10:21Then you can ask him to open our fates on Saturday.
10:23Okay, I ask him to...
10:25What?
10:27Tell him to be there by 12 o'clock.
10:29We'll pay his expenses, of course.
10:31Oh, thank you, Mr Papandrias.
10:32You have saved the day.
10:33Now, come along, Mr Brown.
10:35You've got to...
10:35Hey.
10:41What's the matter with you?
10:42You don't look very happy.
10:43I'm not very happy.
10:46Oh, blimey.
10:47I'm thinking he's dropping clinker.
10:53Fairest tales, Max.
10:55I did meet him.
10:57Once.
10:58When?
11:00Two years ago.
11:01I shot next to him on a bush.
11:03Hello, Greg.
11:26Yeah.
11:26Have you heard the news?
11:27Eh?
11:28They've got Arthur Mallard.
11:30Why?
11:30What's he done?
11:32For the fates.
11:34He's going to open the fates.
11:35Oh, yeah?
11:36Yeah, I think he's lovely.
11:38He's down at the Red Line over the weekend, pushing down a pile of pennies.
11:41Here.
11:42Do you think I can get his autograph?
11:44You'd fit to get somebody who could speak a bit better than him, wouldn't you?
11:47Well, what's the matter with the way he speaks?
11:49He speaks just like you.
11:50Yeah, he don't speak nothing like me.
11:52He's common.
11:53What are you going to do, Max?
11:57What about?
11:58About your great big celebrity friend that you do not know.
12:03Nothing?
12:04Eh, you've got to do something, Max.
12:07Don't worry.
12:08I fix everything.
12:10After class, I go to the pub and telephone Miss Courtney.
12:13I tell her I just spoke to my good friend, Arthur, and he will be delighted to come and
12:18open the fates.
12:20Unfortunately, he's already engaged.
12:22Why don't you tell the truth?
12:25I don't think he knows what truth means.
12:30Have you all been studying clause analysis?
12:33Yes.
12:34Good.
12:34Right.
12:34Books away, please.
12:36Right.
12:36Ali, what is an adverbial clause?
12:38Oh, blimey.
12:39Anybody?
12:43Right.
12:43Well, then I suggest for your homework, you all write out the chapter on clause analysis.
12:49Right.
12:49It's time to go now.
12:50See you all at the fete on Saturday.
12:56Max?
12:57Yes, Bosh?
12:57When will you know about Arthur Mullard?
12:59I go to phone him from pub now.
13:01Right.
13:03Oh, listen, Max.
13:04Use Miss Courtney's phone.
13:05I'm sure she won't mind.
13:06It's okay, Bosh.
13:07Much better than I phone from pub.
13:09Yeah, well, will you let Miss Courtney and me know as soon as you've spoken to him?
13:11We'll be here for a while, yes.
13:13Okay.
13:14What do you think of that, then, eh, Ben?
13:16That's very nice, Sid.
13:18Going in for modelling, Sid?
13:19No, just trying on the jacket.
13:21Miss Courtney said everything on the row was a fiver.
13:23And very reasonable.
13:24Can I pay you now, because I won't be at the fete that day is not until after the pub shut.
13:28I don't see why not.
13:29If we can't have first choice, who can?
13:31Ah, well, there's my fiver.
13:32Right.
13:33I'll see Miss Courtney gets it later.
13:34No.
13:34Will you be going to the fete, Gladys?
13:36Oh, I wouldn't miss Arthur Mullard for anything.
13:40Steady now, Arthur.
13:41We don't want it knocked down before Sunday.
13:44No, that wouldn't do, would it, Lil?
13:46Are you ready for another pint?
13:48Yes.
13:49I'll be back in a minute.
13:50I'm just going to the what's it.
13:51What you having?
13:58Half a pint.
13:59Okay, okay, two halves, please, miss.
14:01And I'll have a pint of pig's ear.
14:05I thought you couldn't hear very well, eh?
14:08He gets what he wants to.
14:10Two halves and some pink's ears, please.
14:13Hey, you better go phone Miss Courtney, huh?
14:15Okay.
14:17Sid, you got Miss Courtney's number?
14:18Yeah, well, what do you want it for?
14:20I got a phone number about Arthur Mullard.
14:22Oh, oh, him?
14:23Yeah.
14:23Hey, do you know Gladys said I speak like what he does?
14:25Yeah, that...
14:27Hey, wait a minute.
14:28What?
14:29I got an idea.
14:30Yes, come over here.
14:32Bring the drinks to your money.
14:33Hockey pockets.
14:35Will you, er, make me a favour, Sid?
14:37What sort of a favour?
14:38LAUGHTER
14:39What sort of a favour?
14:44It's worth a quid.
14:45Yeah?
14:45Who do you want locked in all?
14:48I'm nothing.
14:49No, no.
14:49I want you to telephone Miss Courtney
14:51and tell her that you're Arthur Mullard
14:53and that you won't be able to come and open the feet.
14:55I thought you were supposed to have fixed all that.
14:58He's a not fixed nothing.
15:00He doesn't even notice Arthur Mullard.
15:02Been opening your nought and sart again, have you?
15:04Will you do it?
15:05Oh, God, for a quid I'll do anything.
15:07OK.
15:07OK.
15:07OK.
15:15PHONE RINGS
15:16PHONE RINGS
15:17PHONE RINGS
15:18PHONE RINGS
15:20PHONE RINGS
15:20PHONE RINGS
15:20PHONE RINGS
15:21PHONE RINGS
15:21PHONE RINGS
15:22Hello?
15:24Hello?
15:25Miss Courtney, Maximilian Papandreau here.
15:28I've got Mr Mullard to speak with you.
15:30PHONE RINGS
15:31PHONE RINGS
15:31Oh, good evening, Mr Mullard.
15:41It is kind of you to open our fate on Saturday.
15:44Yes.
15:45That's what I was phoning you about.
15:47We can't pay you a fee, but we will pay your expenses, of course.
15:51Say, uh, £50.
15:53Fifty quid?
15:56Cash.
15:58Oh, that's lovely.
15:59What time would you like me to be there?
16:01Two-thirty?
16:04Two-thirty?
16:05All right.
16:06I'll see you there on Saturday, two-thirty.
16:08Tell her, love.
16:11What are you doing?
16:12Are you crazy?
16:13She's offered me fifty quid in cash.
16:16Wrong.
16:16She's offered that to half a mullard.
16:19Look, everybody thinks I speak like him.
16:21All I need is a bit of a disguise.
16:23And a big pair of stilts.
16:25It's not gonna work, Sid.
16:27You're not the fool.
16:28Nobody's.
16:29No.
16:30Well, at least I tried to help, didn't I?
16:31Cheers.
16:40I've got to get back.
16:48I'm up the creek without a paddle.
16:50You're up at the creek without even a boat.
16:54Blue, blue.
17:00Santa Maria.
17:03What's the matter?
17:04Without turning round, who does a man at the bar remind you of?
17:15How can I see without turning round?
17:17Just have it a quick look.
17:26No idea.
17:29Arthur Mullard.
17:32Nothing like him.
17:33Sure it is.
17:34Sure it is.
17:35I bet he fool a lot of people.
17:37Especially Miss Courtney.
17:40Hey, you might be right.
17:42Come on.
17:42Scusey.
17:44Yes.
17:45Has anybody ever told you, you look like Arthur Mullard?
17:55Oh, for who?
17:58He's on television.
18:00I haven't got a television.
18:02Well, never mind.
18:03What are you doing Saturday afternoon?
18:06Why?
18:08We want you to impersonate Arthur Mullard.
18:11What for?
18:12He's just to open a fate.
18:14He's for a very good cause.
18:16Oh, I don't know.
18:17He's only for half an hour and you'll be paid.
18:19How much?
18:21£2.50.
18:24£2.50?
18:26Not bad, eh?
18:27£2.50 for only half an hour's work.
18:29Very generous.
18:31Is that the sort of money this Arthur Mullard gets?
18:34Well, maybe he gets a bit more.
18:37£3 maybe.
18:38But you're just impersonating him.
18:41Do you think I could do it?
18:43Sure.
18:44You look a bit like him.
18:45Just speak a bit rougher.
18:48Rougher?
18:48This Arthur Mullard, who is very rough.
18:53Is he?
18:54He speaks just like a slob.
18:56A slob?
18:57That's because he's dick.
18:59Right.
19:01I'll tell you something, Curly.
19:02What's that?
19:03I am Arthur Mullard.
19:06Oh, that's good.
19:07He's getting into the parts.
19:10Bill?
19:12Yes, Arthur?
19:13Tell these two books who I am.
19:16Arthur Mullard.
19:18He really is Arthur Mullard.
19:29Slob, you call me.
19:32He didn't mean it.
19:34Well, I'll tell you something that I mean.
19:36You're a loud-mouthed, ignorant, spaghetti-eating twit.
19:42And it's only my good nature that stops me from punching your head in.
19:46Mr. Mullard?
19:50What?
19:51Does this mean you won't be coming to open our feet?
19:54You must be joking.
19:58Now, look what you've done.
19:59You and your big mouth.
20:01Yeah, my big mouth?
20:01What about your big mouth?
20:03You started it.
20:04I tell you something.
20:06Harper is right.
20:07You are an ignorant, spaghetti-eating twit.
20:11Listen, Shorty.
20:12You get up off your knees and say that.
20:14Don't you speak to me like that.
20:16Why don't you push on me like that?
20:18Ah, push off.
20:19Is it raining in the office, Mr. Brown?
20:29Hmm?
20:29No.
20:31No, I'm just checking it.
20:32I'm thinking of buying this.
20:33You know that it is unlucky to put up an umbrella indoors?
20:36Well, it's a good job I'm not superstitious.
20:40How's that?
20:42Oh, very nice.
20:44Well, you can take those and hand them out.
20:45Right.
20:46Now, I think it's time that we were all going home.
20:49Well, that's funny.
20:51What is?
20:52I don't seem to be able to find my clothes.
20:54Oh, I hope you look.
20:55What does it look like?
20:56It's a sort of tweed mixture with fur around the cuffs.
20:59And fur on the collar?
21:00Yes.
21:01Oh, dear.
21:02What's the matter?
21:03I thought everything on this rail was for the jumble sale.
21:07What have you done with my clothes?
21:10I'm afraid I sold it to Gladys for five pounds.
21:13Well, what have you done?
21:14What?
21:15Don't worry.
21:15I'll get it back.
21:18Sid.
21:18What?
21:18Where's Gladys?
21:19She's gone.
21:20Oh, great.
21:21Where does she live?
21:2129 Cornwall Terrace.
21:23Right.
21:23But wait a minute.
21:24If I know her, she'll be in the boozer.
21:27Finished.
21:28Good.
21:29Now, you'll be more careful next time.
21:31Here are your drinks.
21:32Cheers.
21:32Cheers.
21:32Cheers.
21:35Here.
21:36Oi.
21:36I shall have to go.
21:39Till I'll see you.
21:41Cheerio.
21:41Hello, boys.
21:42Hello, Gladys.
21:43Hello, Gladys.
21:43Oh, Gladys.
21:45Mr. Brown?
21:46Where is it?
21:47Where's what?
21:47The coat you bought.
21:48I need it back.
21:49It's Miss Courtney's.
21:50The coat?
21:51Yeah.
21:52Oh, well, I've sold it.
21:53Sold it?
21:54How to?
21:55Leo, behind the bar.
21:57Oh, excuse me.
21:59Yes, sir.
22:00What do you want?
22:00A lady's coat.
22:01This may come as a shock to you, sir, but this is a pub, not a boutique.
22:08No, no, I mean, the coat Gladys sold you.
22:10I must have it back.
22:12Bit kinky, are you?
22:15Pardon?
22:15I've heard about fellas like you dressing up in women's clothes.
22:19I don't wear it.
22:20It's our school principals.
22:21I sold it to Gladys by mistake.
22:23Oh.
22:25Oh, all right.
22:26I'll go and get it.
22:27Hello, Bosch.
22:29What are you doing?
22:31It's a long story.
22:33Here you are.
22:34Oh, thank you.
22:35And here's your, uh, five pounds.
22:37Ten.
22:39Pardon?
22:40I bought it for ten.
22:42Oh, great.
22:43Ten.
22:44Ta.
22:46Hey, you want a drink, Profissori?
22:48No, thanks.
22:48No time.
22:49I've got to get this coat back to Miss Courtney.
22:50I'll kiss the most beautiful girl in France.
23:14Of five feet, a wire gate, a empty, two kids, a fifty-piece.
23:24What's then on the jumping stand?
23:26Jolly good.
23:27And be quicko, um, we might sell a few before the official opening.
23:31Hello, Bosch.
23:31Oh, Max, where's Arthur Mallard?
23:33Well, it's like this, Bosch.
23:35I, uh, maybe he's had an accident.
23:38Tell him, Maxie.
23:39What's the hell?
23:39Well, down in the basement, we have a gymnasium.
23:43Very nice.
23:44Well, Mr. Brown, this is Mr. Brown, our English teacher.
23:48How do you do?
23:50And you know Max, of course.
23:51Yes.
23:52Very good of you to come.
23:54Well, it's all in a good cause, and I couldn't let a mate down, could I?
24:01I told you who was a friend of mine.
24:04Well, come along now.
24:05It's time we opened the fete.
24:06Oh, Mr. Brown, dress, I wondered if you'd be awfully kind and get my coat for me.
24:10I think it's hanging on a rail in the office.
24:13Oh, no.
24:14Now, what's the matter?
24:15It doesn't matter.
24:16See you at the fete.
24:17Oh, my God.
24:47Oh, my God.
25:17Oh, my God.
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