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Amandaland - Season 1 Episode 06- The Heesas
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00:00T-snoring nasal strips.
00:02Thank you, Bucky.
00:03To your athlete's foot spray.
00:05Oh, yeah. It really flared up under my bandage,
00:07but I guess if you get a fungus hot and damp,
00:09you're going to have issues, eh?
00:13I'm not going to miss sharing a bathroom with four people,
00:15but I'm really going to miss you.
00:19Oh, I'm going to miss you too.
00:21If you will live on the other side of London.
00:24Actually, Amanda, I got you a little surprise.
00:26Oh.
00:27As a thank you for looking after me
00:29while I was recovering from my war wound.
00:31To be honest, it was a snake bite.
00:33The snake went to war with me, Amanda.
00:35It wanted me dead.
00:38Ta-da!
00:42Oh, my God, Johannes!
00:45Yeah. It's a hybrid, like us.
00:48Because I love petrol and you love electric.
00:50And look, look, look.
00:52It's got a personalised number plate.
00:55It says sensuous.
00:57Yeah, it does.
00:58But my business is sensuous.
01:00I don't see what you're saying.
01:02I don't want to be difficult,
01:03but it's got too many fives.
01:05It should be 5-E-N-U-0-U-5.
01:08Well, you have to discard some of the letters as numbers.
01:10No, I know that's sweetheart,
01:11but you've done 5-E-N-5-U-0-U-5,
01:14and it should be 5-E-N-U-0-U-5.
01:17Amanda, I'm confused.
01:18Do you want the car or not?
01:20Yes, I do!
01:21I love it.
01:22I love it.
01:23Oh!
01:24Mmm!
01:25Oh!
01:26Mmm!
01:27Oh, wow!
01:34You know when people say,
01:35it's like watching a car crash in slow motion,
01:37this is what they mean.
01:38Joanna's bought her that.
01:40Apart from the fact I'm a massive lesbian,
01:42I do not understand what she sees in that huge plate of gamut.
01:46Yeah.
01:47I think we are all rooting for the snake.
01:50Hey-oh!
01:51Here she comes.
01:52Hi, Georgie.
01:53What's with the wristbands?
01:54I don't know.
01:55RSI, too much texting?
01:57Nice wheels, Amanda.
01:59Yeah.
02:00Little thank you from Johannes
02:01for being his sexy Florence Nightingale.
02:03Christ!
02:04No one ever tell him they're going right for a nurse.
02:05What's the price tag on that thing?
02:07Well, I didn't ask and I don't care.
02:09It's a very lovely gift.
02:11Diego.
02:1498 grand.
02:15Fee!
02:17I said I didn't care.
02:20Is it six figures with a sunroof?
02:22Yeah.
02:23Hi!
02:24Hey, hey, hey.
02:25Hey, Anne.
02:26Great news, you guys.
02:27The beer keller says they'll do us a keg of hoppy seconds
02:30at cost.
02:32Oh, yeah.
02:33What's this?
02:34Oh, we're just trying to organise
02:35the end of season awards party for the club.
02:37Yeah, last year was such a blast.
02:38We're going for the same again.
02:40So, keg of beer, a bit of a barbecue.
02:42Mal and Ned's famous disco.
02:43Oh, Anne.
02:44No, come on.
02:45Surely we can aim a little higher than that.
02:47That's all the subs will cover, sadly.
02:49We're not exactly Tottenham's hot spur.
02:52How are you a coach?
02:54Well, if it's a money issue, we might be able to lend a hand.
02:59Er, the royal we?
03:01Johannes and I.
03:02If you don't mind making a little donation,
03:04we wouldn't say no to some cav and a bucket of Haribo.
03:07And that's not how you spend money.
03:09Aye!
03:10Posh Spice!
03:11You blocked me in!
03:12It's fine.
03:13Senuous!
03:14Move it or I'll slap your tyres!
03:16Actually, I'm going to move it.
03:18It's actually Senuous!
03:20The Middle Ess is a five!
03:22Mummy, I'm mid-collab.
03:32I know.
03:33I'm actually in the market for, um, a fizzy tab.
03:37You've got a fizzy tab.
03:38Look, if you're bored, why don't you give Fia a call,
03:40see if she's around?
03:41I'm not bored.
03:42I'm just thinking of you, cooped up in your showroom.
03:45And I was thinking, you know, you're looking a bit...
03:47Thin?
03:48Tired.
03:49You've got bags under your eyes.
03:50Well, I'm fine.
03:52Amanda!
03:53Kate, I've got to go, Mummy.
03:54Yes?
03:56Amanda, can you do a delivery for me to reach London?
03:58Do I look like a postman, Daniel?
04:00Look, it's 500 quid's worth of taps.
04:03They've asked for you by name.
04:04Who orders 500 pounds worth of taps?
04:16Oh, man!
04:18Worth every penny.
04:20The taps.
04:21The taps.
04:22I'm talking about the taps.
04:23Johannes!
04:24Sorry, I was...
04:25I've just missed this so much.
04:29Listen, Johannes.
04:30Um, I was wondering if you thought it'd be fun to sponsor the Kids Football Awards this year.
04:36Just because it's such a deprived area.
04:39And, um...
04:40Yeah, sure.
04:41Really?
04:42Yeah.
04:43Oh.
04:45Well, they'll be thrilled.
04:48Could be a nice little, uh, send off.
04:50A what?
04:51Well, I've been thinking about your living situation and, uh...
04:54Oh!
04:55Oh!
04:56Oh!
04:57Oh!
04:58Oh!
04:59Oh!
05:00Oh!
05:01Oh!
05:02Oh!
05:03Oh!
05:04Oh!
05:05Oh!
05:06Oh!
05:07Oh!
05:08Oh!
05:09Oh!
05:10Oh!
05:11Oh!
05:12Oh!
05:13Oh!
05:14I've got the keys to this place!
05:15I thought you and the kids might like to move in.
05:17Oh!
05:18There's tons of space.
05:19Got a bathroom each.
05:21The guy upstairs lives in Singapore.
05:23And the guy downstairs had his assets frozen.
05:25So talk about quiet!
05:27Yeah!
05:28And look at the view.
05:30You know we get seals here.
05:31What about the kids' schools?
05:33Uh, I'll just pay for St Anthony's.
05:35It's much better than the dump there at now.
05:38God.
05:39That's so kind.
05:42Can I think about it?
05:43yeah of course it's a big step yes for both of us 50 years of bachelor I'm throwing my keys around
05:48willy-nilly what have you done to me Amanda lost my bloody mind let's not say anything to the kids
05:56just yet just like they need to find the right time to talk to them about it anything from the
06:01lady oh hey hey hey look look look look look I see him oh wow look at that little fella
06:10oh wait wait no it's a it's a tire oh yeah so we'll just wait a couple more minutes until we have
06:25everyone and then sorry I'm late murder my cola sorry murder I'll get off your way okay
06:33let's get started great okay yeah so um I think you all know Amanda who has very kindly offered
06:41to sponsor this year's event namaste guys just glad we can give something back so I think we can all
06:47agree that like last year's a party was uh pretty awesome so as the old saying goes you know if it
06:53ain't broke don't go tinkering with the original I just think we've had a terrific year as a club
06:57and it's time we had a bit more pride in ourselves you know we could like part the barbecue get a
07:03caterer in oh I could do my sausage rolls because there uh ain't no party like an ann sausage party
07:08no thank you ann no we are getting professionals in uh can you see if the people who did my 40th
07:13birthday are available uh they've gone out of business in a year well I was actually five years
07:18school because you're four I'm thinking photo booth it's yours machine um I'm spitballing here guys
07:26uh mixologist professional DJ oh whoa whoa come on the only reason I got involved with any of this
07:31football shit is so me and Ned can DJ the party okay Mal sure though it doesn't talk about you
07:38can I just get some plain old cava like I'm not great with the cocktails it mixes together fine in
07:45the metal thingy but once it hits my colon it's like the rapids in center parks fine we'll get
07:49some carver great yeah well that's sorted then I will call my friend at bluebird and get him
07:55started on the cocktail design and uh you call the jurors people that was a really brilliant idea
08:00yeah yeah yeah it's great to see her back to her old self she's had a bit of a crappy year
08:09so maybe just let her have this one thing that's what they said about Poland
08:13yeah Mika to the left no your other left actually sorry no I was right to the left
08:25I see right right yeah no I didn't all the cava stuff tastes like fizzy piss you'll have to send
08:31it back and knock it off the bill yeah yeah that's it that's it that's it just put it just there would
08:36you look at this oh it's like the New York Mets gala in here that's two different things then but
08:41uh yeah love the banner oh yeah Hannah's got that printed such a nice thought look I know you said not
08:47to Amanda but I made some of my famous sausage rolls just in case they're not famous um they are in my
08:52house yes that's not what famous means let's leave the catering to the caterers shall we okay everyone
08:58all hands on deck
08:59what does an offside mule have in it it's a Moscow mule oh that's very good and the um the pina red carda
09:15it's a pina colada oh that's very clever hey hold on well someone's on it I have to tell Fee the
09:25business is going under what heck yep safety in numbers and coming out to my parents taught me
09:33that I require a very specific amount of alcohol before I reach a place of complete honesty what's
09:38the amount oh it's a very delicate balance the trick is to stop just south of vomiting
09:43hmm did you just add on a cocktail oh no can I please have a glass of carver we haven't got carver
09:50what hey could I get a suha moha and a golden baller for Mr. Vanderveld please
09:57Amanda you forgot my carver yes Johanna sent it back he says it's not a proper drink and it's just
10:04Spain pretending to be France have something else come on be adventurous one for you just a beer please
10:09sorry we haven't got beer tonight it's just cocktails the Aussie guy said so
10:12welcome this must be your beautiful wife or girlfriend oh yeah because football fans
10:17famously hate beer come on you can have your tinnies in your cheap bubbles anytime let's
10:21keep it classy for one night I'm trying to raise the bar here literally thank you Jude
10:27oh mummy look at you so are you staying well the kids virtually begged me and so I jiggled a few
10:42things around in the diary oh that's great Georgie take the wristband off you look like Andy Murray I like
10:47it's cool it doesn't go with the dress darling well neither did your plaid shirts and chokers will you
10:52let it go actually mummy I'm glad I've got you what generally or don't say anything to the kids
10:57but Johannes has asked us to move into his place in Wapping well that's a very kind offer yeah he's so
11:05generous and he worships me but I don't know if it feels like things are moving too fast or well
11:12sometimes you have to move fast don't you I mean you're not getting any younger oh none of us are
11:18think my dermatologist would disagree look I know I pretended to like this place you haven't Wapping
11:24is the new Holland Park I'm so excited good for you darling thank you mummy oh it's starting get
11:33yourself a drink good evening everyone thank you so much for coming we've got lots to get through
11:38this evening lots of awards to give out um could I have a girl fashioned without the bitters or the
11:42soda water that's just a whiskey yeah three of those in one glass well it's been a very positive season
11:49for the under 11s our unbeaten record in 10 of our 18 games
11:54thanks
11:55Christ what the hell's in that oh that might be mine
12:00oh my god is that a tattoo it's just pen chill pen my home that is a prison tattoo have you seen that
12:09it's not a big deal please tell me Georgie hasn't got one yeah of course
12:13we're best mates
12:14please put your hands together
12:16JJ
12:18and now for the most improved award the award for the most improved player the most improved
12:32player joined us at the beginning of the season and has quickly become an absolute linchpin of the
12:39team I can't wait to see what she does next season so let's put our hands together for Georgie Hughes
12:46this is my own creation I call it the van de Velda slammer
13:00Georgie's off you guys sit down please sit down
13:04Georgie and well done Georgie up next it's the under 15s category
13:09I didn't get my vote
13:10Sophie Webb Star come up and collect the award for player of the year
13:15whoo
13:16whoo
13:17whoo
13:18whoo
13:19whoo
13:20whoo
13:21whoo
13:22whoo
13:23whoo
13:24whoo
13:24whoo
13:25whoo
13:26whoo
13:27whoo
13:28whoo
13:29whoo
13:30Last but not least, a huge thank you to our sponsors.
13:34Oh, you're welcome.
13:36Dick.
13:37Without whose generosity tonight would be so different.
13:43A great big round of applause for Amanda.
13:46Yes!
13:47Come on, baby.
13:49Come on, come on.
13:52There she is.
13:53All right, my baby.
13:55Woo!
13:55Thanks, everyone.
13:57Wow, that is a lot of dupery goodness.
14:02Thank you, of course, to Anne for...
14:07Thanks, Anne.
14:11So, on behalf of the Vandervelde Senuas Foundation,
14:17I just want to say what a privilege it is to support the little guys,
14:21you know, because we might be up here,
14:25but we never forget about down there.
14:30So, um, have a great evening and enjoy the party.
14:34All right, baby!
14:35That's my pleasure!
14:52Hey.
14:53Hey.
14:53Uh, listen.
14:54I was wondering, could you play me a little bit of Rick Astley?
14:57I don't think I have any.
14:58Well, maybe you could just plug your phone in or something.
15:00I'm more of a vinyl guy, you know?
15:03Old school DJ.
15:04Yeah.
15:04Well, maybe you could make an exception, seeing as I'm paying for all this.
15:10Yeah.
15:11Right, I'll, uh...
15:13I'll stick it on after this for you.
15:15Rick Astley, yeah?
15:16Rick Astley, yeah.
15:19What does she see in that dickhead?
15:22Oh, you know, she seems happy and I think she's really into him.
15:24I don't know about you, but I can't drink another crossbargarita.
15:29I'm going to sneak out, get some beers.
15:31Anyone want anything?
15:33Oh, now you're talking my language.
15:36Yeah, we can't, because Amanda will kill us.
15:38She wants everything all fancy in here.
15:39Well, you can't drink it in here.
15:42There's always the shipping container at the back.
15:44Yes, mate.
15:45Cover.
15:46Two bottles, I have money.
15:48Woo!
15:52Oh, dear.
15:53Woo!
15:54Sweetheart, come on.
15:57It'll be like when the Beckham's do it.
15:58Here.
15:59No.
16:00Okay, well, just take the wristband off.
16:02No, it's cool.
16:03Just for the photo, you won't want to look back on yourself in sports schedule.
16:07Okay, there we go.
16:08There we go.
16:09Sweetheart, like this.
16:10Like this.
16:10Your hands like this.
16:11There we go.
16:13OMG, is that a tattoo?
16:14No.
16:16Only a little one.
16:17Me and Morten did them to each other.
16:18Why would you do that?
16:20Because we're best mates.
16:21No, you're not.
16:22You're two kids who ended up in the same class for a bit.
16:25You're going to look at that scab of hepatitis in a few years and you're going to say, what was I thinking?
16:29No, I won't.
16:30You will, Georgie.
16:31I don't know anyone from when I was your age.
16:34What does that tell you?
16:35That nobody likes you?
16:43Oh, there she is.
16:44Oh, there she is.
16:44Keep the noise down.
16:47I'm off me.
16:48Bubbles for Anne.
16:49Gasper.
16:50Gasper.
16:50Gasper.
16:50And we've got beers.
16:52What?
16:53Oh, she's lively.
16:55I didn't say that.
16:57I'll get you a glass, man.
16:58Cheers.
16:59Someone needs to be filming this.
17:15Where's Anne?
17:16Can I say you look insanely hot tonight.
17:19I sent like five photos of you to my rugby mate's WhatsApp group.
17:22And they all agree you're a stunk old ten.
17:25The place looks great.
17:26You've really polished a turd.
17:28Speaking of which, there's a great new sports centre in Wapping.
17:32I know.
17:33No pressure.
17:36Yeah, can I get like an empty wine glass, please?
17:40There you are.
17:41I've been looking for you guys.
17:42Hey.
17:45Let's just get some ice.
17:46It's hot.
17:48Work.
17:49Spinning the old ones and twos.
17:50Have you seen everyone?
17:51Where's Anne?
17:52We've got to get the whole gang of the 32 booth.
17:54Yeah.
17:55Come on.
17:55What's the weather?
17:56It's so good.
17:58I know.
17:59Well, you need them?
18:02Come on.
18:03Upstairs, downstairs.
18:09It's such a fun party, isn't it?
18:11Oh, it's so fun.
18:15He's so generous, isn't he?
18:17Yeah.
18:17Yeah.
18:17He really knows how to spend money on things.
18:23Yeah.
18:24You ready?
18:25Yeah.
18:26Mm-hmm.
18:26Do you remember the thing you said in the hospital about me being too good for Johannes?
18:39I don't remember saying anything.
18:41I, uh...
18:42I've just taken an ecstasy by accident.
18:45Oh.
18:46Kind of.
18:46And, uh...
18:47I should, um...
18:48Yeah, yeah, no, I...
18:49I...
18:50That really does taste like cappuccino.
18:57I just think the way she talks to me like I'm a kid.
19:01Yeah, I know, babe.
19:02It just really annoys me.
19:03Aww.
19:05What's up, sweetheart?
19:07Mum's pissed off because me and Morton got, like, the tiniest tattoo.
19:10Like she can talk.
19:12What?
19:13Look, I think it's really lovely to have a little memento.
19:17A little something to remember, um...
19:19Morton.
19:19Morton by.
19:21At your new school.
19:22New school?
19:23What?
19:24Oh, whoops.
19:24Gengen, what's going on?
19:27No, it's not for me to say.
19:31Hey, guys.
19:32Dope fits, for real.
19:34Um, have any of you guys seen Morton's mum or your mum, Darius?
19:39Not for a bit, actually.
19:40Sorry.
19:40OK, cool, cool.
19:41Gucci.
19:42Um, well, enjoy yourselves, yeah?
19:45Gucci?
19:47Anne?
19:49Guys?
19:53LAUGHTER
19:54LAUGHTER
19:54LAUGHTER
19:56LAUGHTER
19:57Shit.
20:00It's Amanda.
20:01Just...
20:02I feel like I'm in The Walking Dead.
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06LAUGHTER
20:07LAUGHTER
20:07LAUGHTER
20:08What are you doing in here?
20:12LAUGHTER
20:13Why aren't you at my party?
20:15It's not your party, doll.
20:17It's...
20:18It's the club's party.
20:20Yeah, I'm just...
20:21Not very...
20:21Cocktails and canapies.
20:23Canapies.
20:23Exactly, see?
20:25I don't even know that.
20:26And in fairness, we did say we wanted something a bit more...
20:30low-key.
20:32Great.
20:34At least we know where we all stand.
20:36And next year you can have your trough of lager and your scotch shakes,
20:38cos I won't be here.
20:39Don't be like that.
20:40No, I won't be here, Anne.
20:42I'm moving to Wapping with Johannes.
20:45What?
20:47No, you're not.
20:48You can't move to Wapping.
20:50What about...
20:51everything here?
20:52Please, Anne, this was always a stock-up.
20:54I do not belong in South Halston.
20:55I should be among people who would appreciate this party.
20:58I'm a canapé person, Anne.
21:00And I refuse to spend my life amongst sausage rolls.
21:11Hot.
21:12Fucking hot.
21:13Johannes.
21:17Yes.
21:18Yes, ma'am.
21:19Yes, I will move to Wapping with you.
21:21Oh, you...
21:22You will...
21:23Oh, my God!
21:26I'm so fucking happy!
21:28I love this woman!
21:30I bloody love this woman!
21:34I'm gonna call my mother.
21:36She'll be so relieved!
21:46Coming back inside, Anne?
21:48Uh, yeah.
21:50I can't go in there.
21:52I don't want to see her.
21:55Would you tell Darius I'll be waiting outside?
21:57Yeah, of course.
21:58I love it.
21:59I hate her.
22:01I hate her.
22:05It's not fair.
22:06She's already made us move school once.
22:08But I just love it here.
22:10Come on, girls.
22:11Are you OK?
22:16What's wrong?
22:17My gang-can said Mum's moving us to Wapping and I don't want to go.
22:21It sucks.
22:23But your mammy loves you.
22:24And she wouldn't be doing this unless she thought it was good for you.
22:28And sometimes in life, we have to do things that people don't like.
22:33Because in the long run...
22:34It's the right thing to do.
22:39Even if people might hate you for a bit.
22:41I'll go in there.
22:51You don't want to go in there.
22:52You don't want to take me.
22:53You don't want to go in there.
22:54Oh, my God!
22:55God's sake!
22:55That's miles away!
22:57away
23:10excuse me ladies and gentlemen if i could just get a minute of your time please
23:14to be honest i can do because i paid for all this um amanda where's amanda
23:21amanda amanda amanda there she is amanda come up girl come up come up here baby
23:36what's going on now i know we haven't known each other for very long at all but when you've had a
23:42near-death experience like i had recently it makes you realize what's important about life
23:52so what have you done to me i'll hardly ever do this
24:02amanda yes would you do me the honor of becoming my wife
24:07um don't do it amanda and no no no no no no absolutely not the you can't marry him
24:21i know you don't want to hear this because he's rich and he has a nice flat it's a penthouse
24:27it's a penthouse but as your best friend it is my duty to tell you things that you might not want
24:31to hear and i'm telling you this right now you cannot marry him you're too good for him
24:37you're not my best friend dan yes i am no you're not my best friend is called elizabeth and she
24:44lives in canada she was my maid of honor well i don't see her here now amanda stopping you from
24:52making the biggest mistake of your life we are best friends whether you liked or not and that's
24:58how i know you don't love him and don't go telling me oh he makes me happy because you've half a sausage
25:02roll on your chin and if you eating carbs isn't a cry for help then i don't know what is so please
25:09don't marry this dick and don't leave soha for the love of god
25:16right well if the drunk lady's finished with her floor show then uh i'm not even drunk thanks to you
25:21well if this is you sober madam then you are an embarrassment hey don't talk to her like that okay
25:29okay look i'll make it realistic for you right you know the life i can give you now do you want
25:36that life or would you rather stop here drinking wine in the ass end of nowhere
25:48here you go darling
25:51you know what amanda all the best
25:58i know he closed the tab i had to go to something called a londis
26:06i would have said yes
26:10but look where that gets you i'm so proud of you darling
26:19your mascara smudged
26:22can't drink this filth
26:24i'm sure i saw a bottle of peach schnapps in there
26:26i need to talk to you right now oh okay should we no no no right now
26:42okay what the fuck is we're screwed i borrowed too much for double chin and it's taken out both
26:47questions i've tried everything but the numbers just don't add up
26:56so yeah we're screwed
26:59god what i've barely seen your smile in the last two years in fact i've barely seen you
27:05uh in the last two years now i want all the success in the world for you darling but
27:10if it's not making you happy and this means that i might get you back and
27:17just let it go
27:18we'll be okay i can just start selling my ceramic pots
27:30i just wanted to say um
27:35your sausage rolls are actually delicious
27:40i know
27:40she's right you know well no elizabeth was my best friend but with the distance we sort of
27:53that
27:55you are too good for him
27:58you coming big man yep ned
28:03there is space in the potmobile if you want to lift back to my house
28:07my house well i'm 34 you're 34a so uh mommy kids come on we're going home
28:15mum have you got a tattoo
28:19what i didn't tell her
28:23well thanks a lot mommy
28:36how
28:40my
28:42my
28:51my
28:52my
28:52my
28:53my
28:54my
28:55my
28:55my
28:56my
28:57my
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