- 1 hour ago
Finding My Father Season 1 Episode 100 br special
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00:00:00I love you.
00:00:30Oh, my God.
00:02:00Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, that leaves are so unchanging, how often has a Christmas tree afforded me so creditfully.
00:02:17Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, much pleasure thou canst give me.
00:02:24Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas
00:03:24Kung Pa chicken!
00:03:33Kung Pa chicken!
00:03:35Chris, you're at an age now where, as a parent,
00:03:53it's my job to tell you certain facts that you might not want to hear.
00:04:00Go. Relax.
00:04:02We've done this all in school.
00:04:04You have?
00:04:05Yeah. That was clear.
00:04:07Oh.
00:04:08Oh.
00:04:10Oh.
00:04:11Oh.
00:04:12That is a weight off. I can't tell you.
00:04:15Oh, your face.
00:04:18Don't think I've ever heard you say sperm.
00:04:21What?
00:04:23Oh, God.
00:04:24You want to teach me to put on a contraception?
00:04:26God, no, Chris.
00:04:27No.
00:04:28That's...
00:04:29That's not what this is about.
00:04:31It's about Father Christmas.
00:04:34What do you mean?
00:04:36Is he all right?
00:04:38Did something happen?
00:04:39Yeah.
00:04:40Well, no.
00:04:41Remember the snow on the roof on Christmas morning?
00:04:46And, erm...
00:04:47And the sleigh tracks?
00:04:49And the...
00:04:50The soot in the grate?
00:04:51And the presents under the tree?
00:04:53Well...
00:04:54Well, that was all me.
00:04:57I did that.
00:04:59Your Father Christmas.
00:05:00You've been drawing happiness to billions of children all over the world.
00:05:12No.
00:05:13That's not what I mean.
00:05:14Dad, I'm not being funny, but I really can't see you getting down our chimney.
00:05:18Let them back off it.
00:05:20I've seen you on the monkey balls.
00:05:22Chris, we had the chimney sealed off before you were born.
00:05:25When we had the gas fire put in.
00:05:27What about the carrots?
00:05:29And...
00:05:30And the...
00:05:31The single malt?
00:05:32I suppose that was all you as well, was it?
00:05:35Yes.
00:05:36Obviously.
00:05:37I'm sorry, Chris, but...
00:05:41He isn't real.
00:05:44Father Christmas doesn't exist.
00:05:47I mean, think about it.
00:05:49A billion children.
00:05:50All over the world.
00:05:52I mean, it is physically impossible to deliver that many presents in a single night.
00:05:58You would say that.
00:05:59You look for the Royal Mail.
00:06:01He probably uses different... software.
00:06:05And what software makes a reindeer fly at warped speeds and lights up his hooter?
00:06:11Nothing that's commercially available, but...
00:06:14And how does a man of that girth fit down a chimney?
00:06:18Even if you haven't even got one.
00:06:21And to never be seen.
00:06:23I'm sorry, Chris.
00:06:24I know this time of year is special to you.
00:06:27But you're old enough now to know the truth.
00:06:30You're old enough to know the truth.
00:06:31You're old enough to know the truth.
00:06:32You're old enough to know the truth.
00:06:37But if you have a child, you're crazy.
00:06:40You think they this way?
00:06:41You palabras anything.
00:06:43You will feel bad.
00:06:44And I'm fine now, Chris.
00:06:46It's enough to know the truth.
00:06:49You know?
00:06:51Yeah.
00:06:52What?
00:06:55Is that you're old enough to learn and hidden?
00:07:00And you're old enough to know the truth.
00:07:02How do check the intrusion in our cages?
00:07:06you'd be able to explain it wouldn't you if you were here but you're not
00:07:22you're probably at lords or in norfolk or a book library
00:07:36what's this egg manager
00:07:56I've had a little time to think about what you said
00:08:05and I get it I do it's been a rough year
00:08:11seriously one for the ages and it's not like there isn't stiff competition
00:08:16professionally you were laid off then fired when you became a postman
00:08:24to be demoted almost immediately to the sorting office
00:08:28medically although it wasn't proved serious in the end
00:08:33you had to undergo a number of probes
00:08:38that people tended to laugh at rather than feel sorry for you for
00:08:42it was during that health scare that you lost your place on the pub dance team
00:08:47to a man who was almost double your age he was so talented
00:08:51and it's hard to see a way back
00:08:55romantically I'm sorry but it's been a complete and utter disaster
00:09:00miss Bailey who lives almost opposite who you like and I like even though she teaches me
00:09:07double science she asked you on a date back in April and you still haven't called her back
00:09:13sorry to interrupt but is there a point of all this or are you just trying to boost morale
00:09:17yeah yeah there is and the point is is that it's only natural after the year you've had
00:09:23to lose a little bit of that Christmas feeling
00:09:26Chris come on please
00:09:29to become jaded and cynical
00:09:31I'm not this again
00:09:32Dad you're wrong
00:09:35I love you but you're wrong
00:09:37Father Christmas is real
00:09:40and I'm going to prove it to you
00:09:42good morning Chris
00:10:03good morning miss
00:10:04go
00:10:18back what I did with this one mate
00:10:24oh follow me I'll let you into a little secret
00:10:30in there
00:10:38don't worry you get used to it
00:10:50what happens to all the shredded paper
00:10:54it's put in the back of a blue lorry and then no one knows
00:10:57to be fair we live in such a cynical age i'm surprised anyone still writes the bar
00:11:01the christmas
00:11:01oh boy it does i thought you said he was 16 and doing his gcse's
00:11:08he is
00:11:09cryptozmology is essentially the study of
00:11:27creatures that are said to exist but are unproven
00:11:30undocumented by science the creatures that are studied are called cryptids
00:11:35and people are familiar with loch ness monster chupacabra things like that
00:11:40and within cryptozmology it just doesn't get any bigger than bigfoot
00:11:45because of all cryptids out there
00:11:48bigfoot has the most sightings sightings by very credible people
00:11:53the fact that this occurred in alaska in an area
00:12:01you know the population density is like
00:12:04holly it's me chris
00:12:07okay good yeah i thought so
00:12:09and another
00:12:12wait
00:12:18and open sesame
00:12:21i need a favour
00:12:22sorry love i'm on break all right look i'm like a long distance lorry driver
00:12:39i have to take a break every 45 minutes
00:12:41no no you're a disgrace sorry it's regulations
00:12:44merry christmas oh no no no no no no no you
00:12:48are banned okay i no i told you last year it that was the last year you're too old for this
00:12:53now mate i just want to ask you a question
00:12:56what's my mic for
00:13:04i don't do podcasts
00:13:06i've got my reputation to think about
00:13:08yeah chris wants to prove to his dad that father christmas is real
00:13:11oh my god
00:13:12how many times do i have to tell you mate
00:13:14i'm not father christmas okay this bed isn't real
00:13:18and
00:13:19i'm a muslim
00:13:22okay but what about the porch
00:13:24yeah the porch is real
00:13:25obviously i know you're not father christmas
00:13:28i'm not stupid
00:13:29it's only what seven more sleeps until the big day
00:13:32he's not going to be here is he
00:13:34this is crunch time
00:13:35he's got more important things to be doing
00:13:37what do you want to ask me
00:13:39last year when i was here
00:13:41i overheard you talking to one of the single mums
00:13:44who was really impressed about how you knew
00:13:47steven fry
00:13:48you knew steven fry
00:13:50yeah
00:13:50i mean i wouldn't say he's a close friend but yeah
00:13:53no that is literally what you said
00:13:55yeah he's more of a close friend of like a casual acquaintance
00:13:58but what's that got to do with anything
00:14:00steven fry is like god to my dad
00:14:02he will listen to anything he says
00:14:04i mean he won't necessarily understand it but he will listen
00:14:08so the best way to prove to my dad
00:14:11that father christmas is real
00:14:12is to have steven fry say that he is
00:14:14i just need you to introduce us
00:14:17right i'm gonna level with you okay
00:14:19honestly honestly
00:14:20i don't really know him that well
00:14:22yeah i feel like you don't know him at all
00:14:23no
00:14:24no
00:14:25although i did bump into him in a sainsbury's car park
00:14:28shut up
00:14:29what was he like
00:14:30he is so nice
00:14:32like and it was my fault
00:14:33because i was reversing
00:14:34didn't realise he was in first gear
00:14:35bumped into him
00:14:36oh my god steven fry
00:14:37so you bumped into him in a car
00:14:40yeah
00:14:40do you just want details
00:14:44well no i think he's married isn't he
00:14:47insurance details
00:14:48insurance details right
00:14:49uh he didn't have his details on him so
00:14:51he wrote his name and address down and then
00:14:53he put them into my phone
00:14:54got it in my phone
00:14:56big red bin of shredded dreams coming through
00:15:10hello
00:15:14oh mr massey
00:15:17yep
00:15:18it's georgina bailey
00:15:19from the school
00:15:21and
00:15:22the house
00:15:23almost opposite
00:15:24georgina hi
00:15:26i'm so glad you called
00:15:29i've been meaning to call you back
00:15:31oh nick
00:15:32no honestly i have
00:15:34it's just been a really hectic couple of
00:15:35eight months
00:15:37yeah that's not
00:15:38that's that's not the reason
00:15:39that i'm calling
00:15:40oh
00:15:41it's chris
00:15:42he didn't come into school today
00:15:44i wouldn't have called
00:15:45it's just that i i saw him
00:15:47when i left for school this morning
00:15:49and it looked like he was on the way in
00:15:50i know it's the last day of terms
00:15:53yeah
00:15:54no thank you
00:15:55it's good to know that you're
00:15:56really on it over there
00:15:58um
00:15:59no um
00:16:00he actually
00:16:01had a doctor's appointment today
00:16:03and that's why he couldn't make it in
00:16:04yeah no it's nothing serious
00:16:06he's just got a
00:16:07rash
00:16:08on his
00:16:09it's okay
00:16:10don't need to know the details
00:16:11okay listener
00:16:21so we are currently outside a house
00:16:24of steven fry in a yellow van
00:16:26don't
00:16:28i'm not going to
00:16:29in fact
00:16:30what are you doing
00:16:33this way
00:16:34he can't track you
00:16:38no don't
00:16:41that is really annoying
00:16:50not to mention
00:16:52so irresponsible
00:16:53and this is why they tell you to back everything up
00:17:02in case a stray lunatic
00:17:04decides to literally
00:17:05eat
00:17:06your data
00:17:07i've seen it happen
00:17:09anyway thanks for me your dad doesn't have a clue where we are
00:17:14well hello uncle nicholas
00:17:19i might have known you'd have something to do with this
00:17:21what even is this
00:17:23wait sorry can you can you do that one more time i'm just
00:17:25i forgot to click record
00:17:27don't tell me you bunked off school to do a podcast
00:17:29is that
00:17:31what i don't
00:17:33i can't see anyone
00:17:34who
00:17:35who can't you see
00:17:36oh
00:17:38oh it's
00:17:40it's him
00:17:41what
00:17:43why
00:17:44how
00:17:44huh
00:17:45oh it's all right
00:17:47breathe
00:17:47in
00:17:48and out
00:17:49in
00:17:50and out
00:17:51breathe
00:17:51it's all right
00:17:52chris wants to ask stephen fry if father christmas is real
00:17:54oh
00:17:55chris i thought we'd discuss this
00:17:58we did and i said that i'd get you proof this is it
00:18:01if stephen fry says that father christmas is real then perhaps he'll believe me
00:18:06all right and if he says he isn't will you believe me
00:18:08if i'd have known i would have put on a different shirt
00:18:18okay you need to calm down
00:18:20i need the toilet is what i need
00:18:21oh i'm sorry i i thought you were carol singers
00:18:30good king whence the sluss looked out on the feast of stephen
00:18:38gag please we all have to wait in the car
00:18:42sorry
00:18:42we're not carol singers
00:18:44i'm just a huge fan
00:18:45that i've watched everything you've ever done on television
00:18:48i've listened to all your books even the one about ties
00:18:50isn't that adorable
00:18:52well what impeccable taste you have now
00:18:55if you don't mind i'm just going to call the police
00:18:57no please
00:18:57we literally just want to ask you one question
00:18:59can i use your toilet
00:19:01that wasn't it
00:19:02i'm gonna close the door now goodbye
00:19:05wait
00:19:06is father christmas real
00:19:10i'm sorry
00:19:14what did you say the name was
00:19:16father christmas
00:19:17you have heard your father christmas
00:19:19yes no i mean i thought you said oh my goodness i left the oven on goodbye
00:19:25stephen please it will only take a minute
00:19:27come on
00:19:28come on then
00:19:29it is christmas
00:19:30it's just as i imagined it
00:19:39is father christmas real
00:19:45in order to deliver all those satsumas and pairs of socks
00:19:49father christmas would have to travel jolly fast
00:19:52but how jolly
00:19:53show your workings fry
00:19:55certainly sir
00:19:56well
00:19:57speed
00:19:58as we know
00:19:59is distance
00:20:01divided by
00:20:03time
00:20:04divided by time
00:20:05and we calculate distance
00:20:06by seeing the
00:20:09number of households that celebrate christmas
00:20:11which is roughly 45% of the population
00:20:148.2 billion
00:20:17by the average number of people in a household
00:20:19which is approximately 3.95
00:20:22that gives us
00:20:26934 million
00:20:29177 thousand
00:20:33215 households
00:20:36basically a billion
00:20:37basically a billion
00:20:38dad
00:20:39final warning
00:20:40by the global
00:20:41average
00:20:43spacing
00:20:44so 186 million kilometers
00:20:46plus change
00:20:47which is more than 100 return trips to the moon
00:20:50so all that distance
00:20:52over time
00:20:54and how much time does father christmas have at his disposal
00:20:58well i'm gonna say 30 hours
00:21:01if you think of when the last children go to sleep on christmas island
00:21:05and the first children wake up in american samoa
00:21:08gives us a total of 6 million 277 thousand 848 kilometers per hour
00:21:20well that is
00:21:21jolly fast like you said
00:21:24yeah
00:21:24not as fast as the speed of light mind you
00:21:28but alas the air resistance alone will be enough to
00:21:31instantly vaporize any normal human being
00:21:34and actually these figures are a trifle optimist
00:21:37because they don't take into account
00:21:38the fact that father christmas has to
00:21:40stop
00:21:41a billion times
00:21:43to deliver the actual presence
00:21:44that means constant acceleration
00:21:47deceleration
00:21:48not to mention going down all those chimneys
00:21:51and up them again
00:21:52it just stretches credibility even further
00:21:54doesn't it
00:21:55how does he do that?
00:21:56especially when there is no chimney
00:21:57and given the fact that he is
00:21:59pun intended
00:22:00widely reported
00:22:01to be generously proportioned
00:22:04right
00:22:05yeah well um
00:22:07thank you steven
00:22:08it's been really helpful
00:22:09that's not everything
00:22:11well it's enough to be getting on with so
00:22:13what else were you gonna say?
00:22:16nothing really
00:22:16that was
00:22:17that was the nub
00:22:18please tell me
00:22:20well it's
00:22:21just that
00:22:22based on the lack of verifiable sightings
00:22:25and bona fide photographic evidence
00:22:28we have to conclude that father christmas does all this
00:22:31while remaining completely invisible
00:22:35I'd like to go home now please
00:22:43yeah of course mate
00:22:45yeah um
00:22:45let's get you out
00:22:46excuse me
00:22:58chris
00:22:58um
00:22:59I just wanted to add
00:23:02that
00:23:03until 1903
00:23:06and the wright brothers
00:23:07powered human flight
00:23:09was thought to be impossible
00:23:11but it wasn't
00:23:13we just didn't have a proper understanding of aerodynamics and propulsion and
00:23:18three axis steering
00:23:19we had to wait for the science to catch up
00:23:22and what I'm saying is
00:23:23all of that in there
00:23:25might not be impossible
00:23:27it might just be
00:23:29that we can't explain it
00:23:31not yet
00:23:32we have to wait until we can see
00:23:35the bigger picture
00:23:37oh and uh
00:23:39talking pictures
00:23:41I
00:23:41I don't know
00:23:42I thought
00:23:42perhaps you might like to have this
00:23:43scary
00:23:44we'll get enough to take
00:23:45oh I would
00:23:45oh look at that
00:23:47wow
00:23:48oh that is the best christmas present ever
00:23:50oh
00:23:53I feel
00:23:55a bit embarrassed now
00:23:56really
00:23:56there's no reason to be
00:23:58if I'd have known
00:24:00I
00:24:00probably wouldn't have taken that
00:24:04have you taken anything else
00:24:09god uncle nicholas
00:24:22hello
00:24:42no
00:24:44no
00:24:45I
00:24:46I didn't say anything
00:24:47I promise
00:24:48in fact I said the exact opposite
00:24:51I
00:24:52I
00:24:53I was very careful
00:24:54hey
00:25:16how'd it go to the doctors
00:25:18yeah
00:25:20no
00:25:21it was good
00:25:22thanks
00:25:23yeah no
00:25:23they um
00:25:23they gave him a cream
00:25:26merry christmas
00:25:30merry eczema
00:25:32merry eczema
00:25:39eczema
00:25:40eczmas
00:25:41I just got it
00:25:42because of the
00:25:42because of the rash
00:25:44them
00:25:46yeah
00:25:47yeah
00:25:47and
00:25:48yeah
00:25:49yeah
00:25:49yeah
00:25:53she's
00:25:54and
00:25:55good
00:26:07yeah
00:26:08yeah
00:26:09yeah
00:26:13Good night, son.
00:26:41Good night, Dad.
00:26:43Chris, I know you're disappointed, but this doesn't mean that Christmas is cancelled.
00:26:49We can still do all the other stuff.
00:26:51Everything else will stay exactly the same.
00:26:53Yeah, but it won't be the same, will it?
00:26:55Which comes to 934,177,215 households.
00:27:13So, basically a billion.
00:27:15Basically a billion.
00:27:20We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.
00:27:26The bigger picture.
00:27:27The bigger picture.
00:27:29The bigger picture.
00:27:50¶¶
00:28:19¶¶
00:28:49¶¶
00:28:59Wow. It definitely looks like Father Christmas. Who do you say these other people were?
00:29:17¶¶
00:29:18Professor Hannah Fry, Professor of Public Understanding of Mathematics and Serial Podcaster.
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00:29:27¶¶
00:29:28¶¶
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00:29:54¶¶
00:29:58You have me a tenuous.
00:30:28You have me a tenuous.
00:30:58You have me a tenuous.
00:31:02Professor Hannah Fry?
00:31:04Yeah?
00:31:05Relax, relax.
00:31:07We just want to ask you a couple of questions.
00:31:10Oh, you're doing a podcast.
00:31:12Oh, I love a podcast.
00:31:14We're trying to find proof that Father Christmas is real.
00:31:17Ah, okay.
00:31:18No, I'm sorry.
00:31:19I cannot help you with that.
00:31:28Where did you get this?
00:31:30A journalist never reveals their source.
00:31:32Stephen gave you this, didn't he?
00:31:34Yeah, 100%, yeah.
00:31:36I'm not a journalist.
00:31:38He's such a blabbermouth.
00:31:39What else did he tell you?
00:31:40Nothing.
00:31:41I find that very difficult to believe.
00:31:43Well, we said that it might not be impossible for Father Christmas to climb down cindies that aren't even there.
00:31:50It's just that we can't explain it yet.
00:31:52Mm-hmm.
00:31:53I mean, he can't explain it yet.
00:31:55Do you know that he failed O-level physics?
00:31:58Does that mean, er, that you can explain it?
00:32:05Well, yeah.
00:32:06Of course I can explain it.
00:32:08It's just, you know.
00:32:09Yeah, you don't want to.
00:32:11Yeah, I don't want to.
00:32:12I mean, obviously she can.
00:32:14She just doesn't want to?
00:32:15I can actually explain it, guys.
00:32:17No, I believe you.
00:32:18Professor?
00:32:19Excuse me.
00:32:20What are these fake air quotes?
00:32:21I'm an actual professor.
00:32:23Okay, Chris.
00:32:24Come on.
00:32:25Let's go.
00:32:26Have you still got that number for Professor Brian Cox?
00:32:28Okay.
00:32:29Yeah, somewhere.
00:32:30Okay, it's macroscopic quantum tunneling.
00:32:33Just remind me what that is again.
00:32:35Okay, so Father Christmas turns himself and his presents into a single quantum object,
00:32:40and that way he can pass through solid walls.
00:32:43Like a ghost?
00:32:44No, nothing like a ghost.
00:32:45This is the quantum world.
00:32:47It's where particles don't exist at a single point.
00:32:49They exist everywhere and nowhere all at once,
00:32:51in like a cloud of probability that spreads through space.
00:32:54And that way a particle could be on the roof of a house,
00:32:58but it could also be inside a house underneath a Christmas tree.
00:33:03That's quantum tunneling.
00:33:05I see.
00:33:06And how could you travel fast enough to be able to deliver all those presents in a single night?
00:33:12Well, he's using an Alcubier drive, right?
00:33:14He's engulfing his sleigh in a bubble of Minkowski space,
00:33:18and that way he doesn't need to feel any of the G-forces.
00:33:21Oh, okay.
00:33:26I, uh, I forgot.
00:33:28Actually, I...
00:33:30I need to go.
00:33:31I've got a lecture to do.
00:33:32Sorry, I...
00:33:35How does he make himself turn invisible?
00:33:37Oh!
00:33:51That was weird.
00:33:52I know, right?
00:33:53Since when did the pencil moustache come back into fashion?
00:33:56Before that, I mean.
00:33:57That photograph, it really put her on edge.
00:34:02That's it?
00:34:03We need to talk to the other people in the photograph.
00:34:06That's what we're doing, Holly.
00:34:08You've got to call them.
00:34:09You've got to call them right now.
00:34:11How?
00:34:12We're going to have a number.
00:34:13Or a SIM card.
00:34:15Oh, sorry, mate.
00:34:16One second.
00:34:17Yeah, I'd better get this.
00:34:18This might be for me.
00:34:20Hello?
00:34:21Yeah, speaking.
00:34:23Oh, hello, Dame Maggie Adair in Pocock.
00:34:30How did she get your number?
00:34:33No, ask her.
00:34:35Yeah, no, sorry, still here.
00:34:38She wants to meet.
00:34:41I'm not sure this is a good idea.
00:34:58Yeah, that's what makes it a good idea.
00:35:01She wouldn't ask to meet in a place like this unless we were dangerously close to the truth.
00:35:06I feel the truth is real.
00:35:33He's real?
00:35:35If you believe he's real.
00:35:36That's good enough for me.
00:35:38But my dad wants proof.
00:35:40What makes you think I can help?
00:35:50Ah, Stephen.
00:35:51He can't help himself.
00:35:53Have you met the other two?
00:35:56Professor Hannah Fry?
00:35:58But not Foxy.
00:35:59He's a hard man to find.
00:36:01You don't know where he is.
00:36:02I haven't seen Foxy since this photograph was taken.
00:36:07So, Hannah, what did you two discuss?
00:36:10Oh, just macroscopic quantum tunneling.
00:36:13It's how far the Christmas gets down the chimneys.
00:36:15Anything else?
00:36:16She touched on the, um, the Allen, Allen Cube, the, the Allen Cube.
00:36:23The Alcubier Drive?
00:36:25Yes, the one.
00:36:26And did it make sense?
00:36:28Um, well, I'd be lying if I said it all went in.
00:36:31I think.
00:36:32Um, but then I'm only predicted a grade three in GCC maps.
00:36:36It's not that complicated.
00:36:38Let's get that three up to a four.
00:36:41Rather than making Father Christmas travel to every household,
00:36:44the trick is to make every household travel to him.
00:36:48What is she doing?
00:36:50Who keeps a rug in the blue of her car?
00:36:53Now, imagine that this rug represents space and time,
00:36:57but all smooshed together.
00:36:59And it's running from one end of a room all the way to the other.
00:37:05Would you like to step inside the room?
00:37:07Ah, classic.
00:37:08She wants to roll up a body and dump it in the canal.
00:37:11Now, conventionally, it would take a number of steps
00:37:14to get from one end to the other.
00:37:16But imagine if we could squish up or concertina
00:37:19space and time in front of you, like this.
00:37:24Okay, good.
00:37:26False alarm.
00:37:27The teacher's got to teach.
00:37:32So now, you can step from one end of the room to the other
00:37:36in a single step.
00:37:41And if I elongate space and time behind you, like this...
00:37:49You've miraculously got from one end to the other.
00:37:52Wow.
00:37:54That actually makes sense.
00:38:03Well...
00:38:05You can relax.
00:38:06He doesn't know anything.
00:38:08In fact, I'm not even sure he knows that.
00:38:11Good.
00:38:13We have to be careful.
00:38:14The belief is strong with this one.
00:38:26Alcubier Drive.
00:38:28Alcubier Drive.
00:38:29That's sort of like a magic carpet thing.
00:38:31No, the carpet was just a teacher laid.
00:38:33I don't know.
00:38:34It may take my seat, I guess.
00:38:35I don't know.
00:38:36It may take my seat, I guess.
00:38:51Oh!
00:38:52Pizza!
00:38:53Wait a minute.
00:38:54Yeah?
00:38:55When did you order pizza?
00:38:56What?
00:38:57No, I didn't.
00:38:58So what are you doing?
00:38:59What's the point of having all this security?
00:39:02If you've just got to open the door to anyone with a pizza?
00:39:05Well, I like pizza and I also have an instant's breakfast, so...
00:39:09Why?
00:39:10Wait.
00:39:11That's weird.
00:39:12He's opened up the pizza box, but there isn't any pizza in it.
00:39:15There's just words.
00:39:16What do you mean?
00:39:17What words?
00:39:18It says, I am here on behalf of Jason Foxy Fock.
00:39:25Why not?
00:39:37Sorry.
00:39:38Sorry.
00:39:39My bad.
00:39:55He's telling me we don't have long, but you can talk to Foxy through me.
00:40:02Are you psychic?
00:40:03No.
00:40:04I have a microphone and a camera.
00:40:06Foxy can see us and hear us.
00:40:09Hello, Chris.
00:40:10Hello, Holly.
00:40:11It's Foxy here.
00:40:12I'm really sorry about the tight security, but I can't take no chances.
00:40:15Can't take no chances.
00:40:17They can't know where I am.
00:40:18Who's they?
00:40:19Father Christmas.
00:40:20And his organisation.
00:40:21Shall we feel?
00:40:22Yeah, mate.
00:40:23As real as I am standing right here.
00:40:26What do they want?
00:40:27Get that photograph out.
00:40:38That was taken at a Channel 4 Christmas party.
00:40:40I thought it was going to be well boring stuck with them lot all night.
00:40:43But it turns out we had a lot in common.
00:40:45Like ideas about Father Christmas and how it is he can do what he does.
00:40:49You know, theoretically.
00:40:51We really got into it and was going to organise a convention and everything.
00:40:55And call it the science of Christmas.
00:40:57And use it to get children interested in the subject from a young age.
00:41:01Inspire future generations.
00:41:03We had publishers interested.
00:41:05And television people.
00:41:06There was even talk of a podcast.
00:41:08What happened?
00:41:09Father Christmas.
00:41:10He shut us down.
00:41:11I'm not saying he did it personally.
00:41:13But he was definitely involved.
00:41:15What I think did you have?
00:41:16Active camouflage.
00:41:18It's what the big man uses to make himself invisible.
00:41:20His red jumpsuit is actually just an image of a red jumpsuit.
00:41:24Projected onto a flexible wearable OLED screen.
00:41:27Hidden cameras constantly film what is around him.
00:41:30And then project that on the screen on the opposite side.
00:41:33It's like he's wrapped in a live feed of his immediate environment.
00:41:36It's the same technology James Bond used to make his car invisible in Die Another Day.
00:41:42I didn't see it.
00:41:44Exactly.
00:41:45Sorry.
00:41:46That's all I have time for.
00:41:48I've got to take a cake out of the oven.
00:41:50Wait.
00:41:52How do I find Father Christmas?
00:41:55Keep doing soldier.
00:41:57That's what I've been trying to tell you.
00:41:59Stay clear.
00:42:00You don't want to get mixed up in this.
00:42:02You don't want to get mixed up in this.
00:42:04Please.
00:42:06You don't want to get mixed up in this.
00:42:08Ah...
00:42:12Well, that period of time has ended in the lake.
00:42:26500.
00:42:28D'oh...
00:42:29I'll get it!
00:42:37It's Georgina, that Miss Bailey.
00:42:56How do I look?
00:42:57I've got a gear and headlights.
00:43:00Come in!
00:43:13Let the halls with bells up holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:18Tis the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:23Fill the meat up, drain the barrel, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:28Trail the ancient Christmas cowl, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:34Follow me in merry measure, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:39Fast away the old year passes, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
00:43:44Heil the lonely lads and lasses, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:49Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:52Fast away the old year passes, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:58I can explain.
00:44:21My letter to Father Christmas that I posted.
00:44:24I know.
00:44:25You know that it's a criminal offence to interfere with an envelope that is stamped and addressed.
00:44:30I rescued it.
00:44:31For what?
00:44:32Do you know what happens to letters addressed to Father Christmas?
00:44:35Well, I know what's supposed to happen.
00:44:37They get sent to Father Christmas, so we know you've got presents to get.
00:44:40They get shredded.
00:44:42All of them.
00:44:43They're put into a big machine that cuts them up into long thin strips,
00:44:48which are dumped into big red bins and then stuck on the back of an old blue lorry
00:44:52and taken to God knows where.
00:44:55So you don't know where?
00:44:57I know it's not the North Pole.
00:44:58How do you know?
00:44:59Because I do.
00:45:00You don't.
00:45:01You don't know.
00:45:02You just don't want to believe.
00:45:04You always think that everything is destined to end in disaster.
00:45:08Not everything is destined to end in disaster.
00:45:23Hi, this is Georgina.
00:45:24I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message.
00:45:38Hey, Georgina.
00:45:39It's Nick here.
00:45:41Nick.
00:45:42Massey.
00:45:43From the house opposite.
00:45:44Well, it's not really opposite, is it?
00:45:47It's more sort of, I'd say, 10 o'clock?
00:45:50It's definitely across the street.
00:45:52It doesn't matter.
00:45:53I'm just returning your call, basically.
00:45:56Um, from April, I think it was.
00:45:59Um, just to say that, yes, I'd really like to go for that drink.
00:46:06Um, if the offer still stands.
00:46:09And that I'm free tonight.
00:46:12If that's not too rash.
00:46:20Nailed it.
00:46:21So letters to Father Christmas are shredded, put on that blue lorry, and then taken where?
00:46:26That's the reason we're following the blue lorry.
00:46:36Hi, em, em, yeah?
00:46:37Tonight?
00:46:38Sounds great.
00:46:39Em, I think I can get to you for about, er, 8 o'clock.
00:46:48So, yeah, I guess I'll see you then.
00:46:53Bye.
00:46:55Still got it.
00:47:00It's still got it.
00:47:21Oh, Chris, before I forget.
00:47:24There you go.
00:47:27You got me a USB card?
00:47:28No.
00:47:30That's just the one I swallowed.
00:47:33You wait here.
00:47:35Where are you going?
00:47:36I have an idea.
00:47:44No, I'm not.
00:47:46Hey.
00:47:47Can I help you?
00:47:48I don't know.
00:47:49Can you?
00:47:51Well, not unless you tell me what it is you want, no.
00:47:56I'm, er...
00:47:58I'm here to see Father Christmas.
00:48:01Oh, yeah?
00:48:03Got an appointment?
00:48:06Do I need one?
00:48:09Does this look like the North Pole to you?
00:48:12I don't know. I've never been.
00:48:14Yeah.
00:48:15Well, it's not.
00:48:17It's Milton Keynes.
00:48:19Now, clear off.
00:48:20Fair enough.
00:48:21Yep.
00:48:24Get here.
00:48:25Well?
00:48:26Yep.
00:48:27He is definitely in there.
00:48:28Father Christmas?
00:48:29How'd you know?
00:48:30Woman's institution, Chris.
00:48:31What now?
00:48:32Plan B.
00:48:34Problem?
00:48:40No, sir.
00:48:41No problem.
00:48:43No problem.
00:48:44No problem, no sir, no problem.
00:49:14Are you sure this is going to work?
00:49:34I can't look anything like a security guard.
00:49:37Yeah, because you haven't put the hat on yet.
00:49:42I know you've said you've done this before, but I suppose the question is, how many times?
00:49:51I really don't know, it's not like I keep count, like less than a hundred more than once.
00:49:57You mean twice?
00:49:58Well, you know what they say, but I'm lucky.
00:50:00For the first two times failed.
00:50:03Chris, now is really not the time for second thoughts, okay?
00:50:06Did you want to find out if Father Christmas is real or not?
00:50:08Well, yeah, but...
00:50:09Good, because there is a very small chance that he is on the other side of that wall.
00:50:13A very small chance?
00:50:14Yes, definitely.
00:50:15Definitely a very small chance.
00:50:16Now, you just remember what I told you, yeah?
00:50:18Tuck and roll.
00:50:19You didn't tell me that.
00:50:20Well, I'm telling you now on.
00:50:21I'll tuck and roll!
00:50:22Okay, okay.
00:50:23Chuck and roll.
00:50:24Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:50:25Hey, for the winners.
00:50:27Tuck and roll!
00:50:28Oh, I got it, I got it.
00:50:30We will aim for the minnows and tuck them wrong.
00:50:40I got it. I got it.
00:50:42I got it.
00:51:00Chris?
00:51:02Yeah?
00:51:04It works!
00:51:12Stay right where you are!
00:51:14Oh, I'm so sorry, mate. I didn't realise you were one of us.
00:51:34Oh, yeah. You know, I am. Definitely.
00:51:40Hang on!
00:51:41I don't recognise you.
00:51:46Well, you must be new.
00:51:49That's right. Yeah, yeah, I am. I just, um, just trans-fragging.
00:51:55Well, then how come you have a different uniform?
00:52:00Well, it must be from a different branch.
00:52:02Go on, then. Let's have a cup of tea.
00:52:04I'll introduce you to the crazy gang.
00:52:11Oh, no.
00:52:12Uncle Nicholas. Uncle Nicholas. I tried to talk him out of it. I swear. I really did. I really...
00:52:27Are you all right? Hi.
00:52:28But he just, he wouldn't listen. He wouldn't listen.
00:52:31Holly, he said. That is very mature and incredibly level-headed advice, but I will, but I will fundamentally ignore it.
00:52:37Holly? Holly? Slow down. What are you talking about? Where is Chris?
00:52:42I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm out of ideas. I mean, he's 16 years old and he still believes in Father Christmas.
00:52:55I think that's good.
00:52:56I don't. I think he's sad and pathetic. He's becoming more and more like his dad each day.
00:53:03At least he believes in something. A lot of people don't. I mean, I don't know. I'm not his parent. You are. But I am his teacher.
00:53:13And what I see is a boy who's bright and curious and tenacious and who shows initiative.
00:53:20Those are all good qualities.
00:53:27And thanks for coming tonight.
00:53:30This wasn't really what I had in mind for our first date.
00:53:34Listen up, everyone. This is Chris. You just transferred in.
00:53:39All right, Chris. Hiya.
00:53:41Chris, this is Danny. Where were you before?
00:53:43Swinging.
00:53:45That's Frank.
00:53:47I didn't know we had an office in Swingham.
00:53:48They wouldn't tell us if they did.
00:53:51You got that. Right.
00:53:53Angela. Hi.
00:53:55Come on then. I'll show you around the kitchen.
00:53:57So that's Robbo, Big Gen and tea bag.
00:54:00Cup of tea, Chris.
00:54:01No, no, no. No children. I need a girlfriend first.
00:54:10Oh, sorry, Chris.
00:54:12Go ahead. This is good. So walk over.
00:54:14Yeah, you haven't seen anyone you're not supposed to on your rounds, have you? Over.
00:54:27No. What kind? Over.
00:54:28I've got a gentleman here. This is a lad Trump leaned over the back wall earlier on tonight. Over.
00:54:38No, sorry.
00:54:40Hang on a minute.
00:54:42Chris?
00:54:44Yeah?
00:54:46You were around the back earlier.
00:54:47See anything that looked like a young lad?
00:54:50No, no. Not back from Finkel.
00:54:53Sorry mate. Can't help you. Over and out.
00:54:55It's the toilet.
00:54:56Oh, it's just out there second on the left.
00:54:58Good kid. Settling in very nicely.
00:54:59Where is he?
00:55:00Where is he?
00:55:01Where is he?
00:55:02Where is he?
00:55:03Where is he?
00:55:08Where is he?
00:55:09Oh, I'm sorry.
00:55:10It's a good kid.
00:55:11Settling in very nicely.
00:55:12Where is he?
00:55:13Where is he?
00:55:26Where is he?
00:55:27Where is he?
00:55:28Where is he?
00:55:33Where is he?
00:57:48You have to be specific if you want to sound sincere.
00:57:52I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.
00:57:55Speak up!
00:57:56I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.
00:57:59I didn't mean to scare you or put you in danger.
00:58:02It won't happen again.
00:58:04I promise.
00:58:11Right, off you go.
00:58:18Poor old Ruprecht.
00:58:27His heart's in the right place.
00:58:29And the truth is, well, I couldn't do without him.
00:58:32He takes care of that part of the business, and that leaves me free to do the things that I need to do.
00:58:36Which is a random-ed way of saying, I have no idea who you are, why you're here, why you didn't just write a letter like everyone else.
00:58:43I did.
00:58:45And I'm Chris, by the way.
00:58:48Right.
00:58:49Do you have the letter on you?
00:58:50Yes, I do.
00:58:53Here.
00:58:53Right.
00:58:59Let me guess.
00:59:00Wireless headphones.
00:59:02A hoodie.
00:59:03A black Namdo's card.
00:59:10All you want for Christmas is for your dad to believe in Father Christmas.
00:59:16He doesn't think to exist.
00:59:19Tell me, Chris.
00:59:21It is Chris, isn't it?
00:59:21Have you, uh, have you ever seen a magic trick?
00:59:36Were you amazed?
00:59:39I was.
00:59:44And what do you think would have happened if the magician had explained the trick to you first?
00:59:49It wouldn't feel like magic.
00:59:51Well, that's the approach we like to take here.
00:59:56Truth is, it helps to have people like your dad out there, the skeptics and non-believers.
01:00:01It makes it more special for the children and those that do believe.
01:00:05And that's the most important thing, wouldn't you agree?
01:00:08Unfortunately, it's getting harder and harder to amaze people.
01:00:13A hundred years ago, the science I had, it was a thousand years ahead of anyone.
01:00:18A decade ago, only a century.
01:00:20And now it's getting closer.
01:00:22The gap is closing fast.
01:00:24The inexorable march of progress.
01:00:27Those people in the photograph, I'm sure they had good intentions, but they were getting dangerously close to the truth.
01:00:35And that would have ruined Christmas for an awful lot of people.
01:00:39But my dad had to step in.
01:00:41Now, I understand that you want to prove to your dad that I'm real and that you were right.
01:00:48But I need to ask you a favor.
01:00:55I need you to keep all of this a secret.
01:00:59You know, to preserve the magic for at least one more generation.
01:01:06Do you think you could do that for me?
01:01:11Well, I can't really say no to Father Christmas, can I?
01:01:15Well, what can I get you instead?
01:01:22How about an air fryer?
01:01:23I've had a run on those.
01:01:27No.
01:01:29I know what I want.
01:01:31Oh.
01:01:31Oh.
01:01:45With your science teacher?
01:01:48No, I don't...
01:01:48No, not for me.
01:01:50Oh.
01:01:58Well.
01:02:02It's a little outside my remit, but...
01:02:05I'll see what I can do.
01:02:07Yeah.
01:02:31No.
01:02:32You do know that this is not about Father Christmas, don't you?
01:02:53For either of you.
01:03:02You know, I wouldn't say this out loud, but I was really proud of the way you kept going
01:03:27back there. Now, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you showed real determination.
01:03:39She loved Christmas. Not as much as you, obviously. But it was definitely her favourite time of
01:03:57year. You know, I think part of the reason why you wanted to still believe in Father Christmas
01:04:06was because of that. Because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated, it's as if to believe
01:04:19in Father Christmas was to keep the memory of her alive. But you'll never forget her. She'll
01:04:27always be here. And we'll still have a great Christmas, won't we?
01:04:33Yeah.
01:04:34We'll open presents and pull crackers, put up decorations, cook a goose, pretend we like
01:04:41Christmas pudding. The works.
01:04:43Thanks, Dad.
01:04:44Dad.
01:04:45I love you, son.
01:04:46Dad.
01:04:47Hmm?
01:04:48I also think that part of the reason that you didn't want me to believe in Father Christmas
01:05:01was because of Mum as well.
01:05:03Oh?
01:05:04Almost as if, I don't know, because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated that
01:05:15if I still believed in Father Christmas, then it would just be too hard for you to move
01:05:23on for the rest of your life. But you can. You're not going to forget her.
01:05:33Bye.
01:05:34Bye.
01:05:35That's an interesting poem.
01:05:41Can I look like?
01:05:45Bye, Dad.
01:05:52Bye.
01:06:00Bye.
01:06:02I don't know.
01:06:32I don't know.
01:07:02I don't know.
01:07:06How on earth did you get up there?
01:07:08I don't know.
01:07:10It's a Christmas miracle.
01:07:12Yeah, well, as long as it wasn't that trampoline again.
01:07:15Anyway, come on.
01:07:15That goose isn't going to cook itself.
01:07:17I don't know.
01:07:19Come on.
01:07:20Merry Christmas.
01:07:37Oh, of course.
01:08:07The Peep Show co-stars for the great Christmas Bake Off tomorrow, Christmas Day at 8.
01:08:11And talking of Bake Off, Alison Hammond and the megastar Rick Astley join Adam, Josh and Alex for the last leg of Christmas.
01:08:17That's tonight, September.
01:08:19That's right after our Cats Countdown Christmas special.
01:08:21Claws out next.
01:08:22I'll see you next time.
01:08:23Thank you, Paul.
01:08:28I'll see you next time.
01:08:35Bye.
01:08:36Bye.
01:08:36Bye.
01:08:38Bye.
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