- 1 hour ago
Amandaland - Season 1 Episode 100 -
(special) Christmas Special
(special) Christmas Special
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00because the only things that hang on christmas day are mistletoe holly
00:03and then somehow there's tinsel yes hi there's still no sign of our cab and i really need to
00:09get to my aunt's for lunch yes georgia you're tipping the pavlova huh the pavlova you need
00:15to keep it upright or the compote will breach the meringue why did you make this well aunt joan has
00:20got this hilarious photo of me with a pavlova when i was about manis's age and i thought it'd be super
00:26cute to recreate it with you two we'll have the perfect family christmas at art jones she has the
00:31biggest tree yes what no no you no you can't cancel it's christmas day like where else am i going to
00:42get a cab on christmas day merry christmas neighbor cute pjs
00:56okay what's the address oh if you just put in siren sester siren sester amandie there's
01:04practically whales you said a quick lift you said you had no plans today no i said i planned on doing
01:09nothing different thing led with his mom i was gonna crack open the baileys order a curry and
01:15watch me some die hard oh mal how depressing at least you have company now i don't want company
01:20oh can you just do a small detour you having a good creme bar felicity not really i was supposed
01:30to be in south africa but amanda guilt tripped me into visiting my sister what's wrong with your
01:35sister she's a nightmare it's just all laughter and games and endless bloody cheese boards she's
01:44completely over the top she asks us every year mommy and we never go it's getting rude and i would
01:49love the kiddos to have a traditional cotswoldian noelle and well they're still enchanted by the
01:54magic of christmas but does she have a ps5 no she doesn't have a ps5 minus i don't even think she
02:00has the internet oh no way right sam i should take it a little christmas present for her and amanda
02:10it's a disaster i've been at the airport now for about 14 hours and they finally just cancelled
02:15our flight to dublin oh and now what a shame well look thanks for keeping me posted chris and the
02:22kids went to head to cork i was supposed to join yesterday but because of the storm i'm completely
02:27stranded and everybody who i know and love is hundreds of miles away chris darius pat roisin yes
02:34pat and her husband pat their kids young pat and patricia yes and edgar and barry and pat yeah
02:42you know he froze on our way actually no no no no no god no oh my god i miss you all so much
03:04we're here christmas has officially started it's off your bones now please eat your heart out
03:10downtown abbey well hardly it's only 11 acres and a ha-ha why is that funny no a ha-ha it's like a
03:17giant ditch you should know what a har is you're a gardener oh yeah i've seen loads of ha-ha's in ha-ha's
03:23oh look she's put the reindeer out for the kids oh mommy do you remember when bombo the shetland tried
03:32to mount one god that was funny this is why i don't go to therapy some memories are best repressed
03:39guys guys guys right immediately that just gave us that if you learn nothing from adolescence and
03:59and this is my christmas happy place so please don't be a debbie downer okay everyone
04:05uh ding dong merrily oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry about all the glass
04:13you've caught me mid giblets oh goodness no dr coach merry christmas oh i'm so sorry just bring
04:19this on you it's been a bit of a disaster is it cool if my mum friend anne joins us so yes oh anne of
04:25course you look like you need a stiff drink thank you but um but no if if i can't be with my family
04:31then what's the point oh dear girl come in come in come in this is a divorce no storm geraldine
04:37storm jerry christmas oh for me wow no no no no no i don't believe it i know i won't touch you
04:47no don't don't don't touch them yeah we'll hang in a moment yes come in yes don't touch don't touch
04:51don't touch it yes they're gorgeous all right thank you this is the last of the bags great thanks so
04:56much you didn't tell me you're bringing a lover oh no no no no no no no no no no he's fine he has
05:06plans it's okay have you got plans yeah i was just gonna use your loo if i may before i nip off i've got
05:10a date with john mclean no fantastic you're a homosexual it's a die-hard reference i was gonna
05:17watch it with a curry oh god how ghastly you will stay for a pre-prandial come on what's a pre-prandial
05:23it's a posh word for a drink yeah yeah okay pack can you put chris back on yeah so i have an alert
05:32set up on my phone for when the the flights reopen and if you could just have everyone there checking
05:36the internet where should i put my coat down oh keep it on this house is bloody freezing isn't it
05:43magical that's giving hardcore narnia vibes right i mean wow that's what i call a tree
05:57is it plastic oh my god she's still got that daddy bought that in the 70s
06:03probably the newest thing in this place how odd i distinctly remember the scent of pine needles
06:09no this house smells the way it's always smelled damp dogs desperation
06:17now i've been absolutely dying for you to arrive i've got everything here we've got some olives over
06:23there there's this trout pate we've got mini quiches prawn volvoz and these pretty fun things from
06:30marks and spencers mini burgers have you seen these oh oh oh oh oh no no no no i'll have to
06:37clean that one up won't we johnny where should i put the pavlova is that granny gush's recipe yes it is
06:45minus the powdered egg i thought it might be fun to recreate that famous pudding photo from that amazing
06:52christmas yeah yeah i've got it in the oven everybody dig in flick deviled egg have a deviled egg
07:02flick deviled egg egg flick deviled egg everything fine i'll have a deviled egg i think it's under here
07:09yes now where now where's that famous photo ah wow oh yes now look at that look at that look at that
07:20it is look at gang gang what a hottie is that yima yeah that was me pre-blossom just on the cusp of
07:28discovering clear asylum wonder bras oh my goodness look at that i'm wearing the same jumper oh joe no
07:35stop that's perfect i thought it'd be really fun to restage the photo with manis and george
07:40so the hemsworth brothers did one sitting on their mum's lap and it pretty much broke the internet
07:45i remember the hemsworth brothers hmm hemsworth brothers yes you you stepped out with one they had
07:51the tractor dealership in amply st peter that was the hemswood brothers hemswood yeah i slept with all
07:57three of them oh well done you and the father mommy Charlie good now drinky poos oh damn what's that
08:08what's in those ones oh is that you flick no one must see those yep yep yep yep
08:19what the
08:19this house is literally freezing my family be back from mass about now do you think jesus will
08:32punish me for missing his birthday you know what you need eh slow gin very good for melancholia the
08:39night my father died i drank two bottles was right as rain in the morning i suppose i could have a small
08:44glass just to steady the nerves because um i don't think i've ever done a christmas without my family
08:49no no no no none of that now come on get that down your gullet
08:56yes got a kick to it that's the 1978 vintage the year you were born oh actually now what do the
09:02children want what can we get for them uh do you have any prime no no no no no don't don't worry
09:08he'll have a coca-cola i've got a cola i've got a can of cola here there we go oh there we go lovely
09:17come on oh i think that's seen better days ludo can have that ludo ludo ludo look here look what's
09:24here jane oh christmas present yes oh that's marvellous i don't believe it that tremendous
09:33of you look at that wow oh my goodness no joan it's the bath the but the joan and i've swallowed it
09:46i'll have a bath later die i'll have a bath later didn't i just gift you that yes i loved it so much
09:55that i went out and bought exactly the same one for aunt jane i need ice in my whiskey you'll find
10:02plenty in the toilet well now will you come in here and sit down please oh thank you um i was actually
10:07going to hit the road oh no no we're not having you spending a day alone you and anne are our christmas
10:12guests of honor so sit i've got a goose to go and get out of the oven i've never been anyone's
10:17christmas guest of honor before this is the same one to amanda that's this i went out exactly the
10:25same one for joan but that's good luncheon is served oh lovely come on oh those are the photos
10:33gangan doesn't want anyone seeing come on boys
10:42no tell them yes it's a larger box but it's actually the same value gift because i went by
10:47money spent um not by value okay no devices please to go okay
10:55oh well don't sit there sorry because of the photos we need to match the old pavlova pig so
10:59yeah mommy needs to sit there jones here mommy you're here no i need a clear line to an exit
11:04well okay well yeah well we can all move around for pudding
11:14stop stop stop can you get back in and come back out i want to film it for the memories
11:17just tuck in tuck in tuck in just be a second yes it's gonna be so good and could you just lean
11:21out because the tear stains oh i just miss my family you know anne yes goosey goosey and uh oh look at
11:29that well dig in we've got a side of beef yorkshire's a ham and some little piggies and blankets
11:36mom just eat it it's christmas hmm what i'm vegan
11:40oh it's fine i'll just eat the veg don't you will not just eat the veg not on my watch you won't
11:48i'll i'll i'll rustle up a uh a souffle oh god joan do you see what i mean it's just too much
11:57she's just trying to make us all happy mummy and uh did you did you notice the stuffed stoat in the
12:04hallway no no oh let me show you quickly i'm not that into stoats yes but um honestly i think
12:12you'll find this one very interesting yeah i don't know who told you that i was into stoats
12:20but actually this one is is quite unusual okay listen forget the stuff i just saw some pictures
12:25of felicity i wasn't supposed to see and now i can't unsee what i saw god they weren't nudies were
12:30they no they're not nudies is anyone wearing a nazi uniform no there's no not just just look
12:36oh blimey o'reilly is that is that felicity and sir mick jagger yes looks like they're on holiday
12:46together jesus he was such a ride back then yeah it looks like he was riding felicity omg is is she
12:53pregnant yes and look just hold on her stomach and summer of 77. joan just said that amanda was born
13:02in 78. you don't think sir mick jagger is no no no don't be ridiculous i've seen enough episodes
13:12of alie mcbeal to know this is all purely circumstantial evidence just because it goes
13:16clip-clap doesn't mean it's a zebra guys come on we're about to eat
13:29this on first i'll need my glasses on here we go joke why didn't santa pay for his sleigh
13:37why didn't santa have to pay for a sleigh because it was on the house
13:44that's so bad it's actually quite good i know another joke how do you titillate an ocelot
13:49i've no idea joan how do you titillate an ocelot you oscillate its tits a lot
13:53it's not like she bloody wrote it go on flick your turn oh here we go
14:03mommy put the hat on you'll need it for the pavlova photo no i don't do paper hats
14:07but flick do the joke where's the joke i don't do jokes come on mommy it's christmas come on flick
14:12flick flick flick flick flick do the joke do the joke do the joke
14:18what is the coldest country in the world i don't know what is the coldest country in the world
14:30russia
14:34i think you're reading the trivia there felicity
14:40where are you going mommy we haven't done the photo i'm going to watch the king's speech
14:44oh is it that time oh i love the king's speech brilliant everyone fill a glass let's go and sit
14:51we could do the pavlova we're after flick flick wait for us wait for us
14:56we're soon
14:58happy and glorious
15:11love to bring
15:14I have to say, this is the most delicious cav I've ever drank.
15:30I'm telling you, it's not coffee, it's champagne.
15:33Real champagne?
15:34Yes.
15:35From France?
15:35Yes.
15:37I've never had French champagne from France.
15:39Stop fussing, I can't see the tone of this.
15:41Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.
15:44I think Joan is lovely.
15:47Classic Stockholm Syndrome.
15:49Are you a big fan of the royal family, Felicity?
15:52Oh, I've met a few of them.
15:53Camilla's a laugh.
15:55I've probably met a few members of the rock royal family in your time.
15:59Well, I once lived next door, but one to Christoburg.
16:03Oh, right, pavlova time!
16:05Oh, finally!
16:06Get the camera.
16:06I don't want pavlova.
16:08Mummy, you can't always get what you want.
16:11Um, actually, I can't think of food for a bit.
16:14Amanda, I overdid it on the parsnips.
16:16You don't have to eat it.
16:17It's just a photo.
16:18Oh, I know what we'll do.
16:20We'll have a parlour game while we all digest.
16:22Who'd like a round of, are you there, Moriarty?
16:24I don't know what that is.
16:25Well, what about, um, Ho-ha-hee?
16:28Do you know that one?
16:28Or the minister's cat.
16:29Do you know that one?
16:30Oh, no, I don't know that one.
16:31Pass the slipper.
16:32No.
16:32Fan the candle.
16:33You must know.
16:34Hot cockles.
16:34Hot cockles!
16:35Oh, I don't know what else have we got.
16:37Elephant's foot.
16:37Oh, for God's sake, why don't we just play hide-and-seek?
16:41Oh, that's a terrific idea.
16:42This is so much fun.
16:43Well done, that girl.
16:45I'll count 50.
16:46Off you go.
16:47Off you go.
16:48And then after this, we'll do the public.
16:49Right, I'll start now.
16:50Come on.
16:51One.
16:51Two.
16:52I've started.
16:53Two.
16:54I've started.
16:54Three.
16:56Four.
16:57Anything to get away from her.
16:58Better hurry.
17:00Five.
17:02Six.
17:03Seven.
17:04Eight.
17:05There.
17:06Nine.
17:08Ten.
17:08I know, Chris, but I don't know what you expect me to do about it.
17:11I can't make a put on a shoe.
17:13I'm 300 miles away.
17:15Look, I really have to go.
17:19Bloody hell.
17:21Other people's Christmases are mental.
17:24When are we going to tell her?
17:25What?
17:26Absolutely never.
17:27It's not our family secret, so we're going to forget we ever saw those photos.
17:30But we did see those photos, Mel.
17:32And I really think Amanda deserves to know.
17:34What do I deserve to know?
17:37What the hell are you hiding?
17:39Yeah.
17:39We're playing hide and seek.
17:41What do I deserve to know?
17:44Ask Mel.
17:44Oh, thanks, Anne.
17:45Will someone tell me what's going on?
17:47Sure, the photos.
17:47Are these pictures of my mum on holiday?
17:59What's the big deal?
18:00Look who she's with.
18:01Is that Mick Jagger?
18:03Mm-hmm.
18:04Mummy, you?
18:05Minx.
18:06Sitting on Mick's lap.
18:07I sat on Prince Harry's lap when I was in Mahiki once.
18:10Did I get a mention in the book?
18:12Oh, my God.
18:14She's pregnant.
18:16That's hardly a secret.
18:17Keep looking.
18:21She's smoking.
18:22No.
18:22No.
18:23No.
18:23No.
18:23Look at the data on the back of the folder.
18:25Okay.
18:26And look who's holding the bump.
18:28No.
18:29No way.
18:30No way.
18:33Is my father...
18:3749, 50.
18:39Quick, hide it.
18:41Oh, gee.
18:41Uh, okay.
18:42Shh, shh, shh, shh.
18:43Shh.
18:43Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
18:44Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
18:45Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
18:45Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
18:46Is that an airing company?
18:48Okay, oh, shh.
18:49Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:51I'm pumping quite a glimpse.
18:53Pumping quite a glimpse.
18:58Oh, God, it's a snifter.
19:08Ah!
19:08Mal, look.
19:21It's so weird, isn't it?
19:23When you look at us together.
19:25Mal, look.
19:25Mal, look.
19:27Mal.
19:28Can you open that door, please?
19:29I need some air.
19:30This is insane.
19:32I mean, it's a shock, but it's also not a shock, you know,
19:35because it explains a lot.
19:37I mean, I wonder if the man I thought was my father ever knew the truth.
19:42Poor Daddy.
19:44Well, this must be why my parents divorced.
19:47Baby Joan told him.
19:49That must be why we never see Joan.
19:52That sounds about right.
19:54Can you just put my sleeve, please?
19:56I can't get some layers off.
19:59Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
20:01I've got men.
20:01I've got men.
20:01Oh.
20:05Where are you?
20:08Oh, it's locked.
20:10Can't get under there.
20:19Ha-ha!
20:20Hoist by your own petard there, Anne, I think.
20:23Oh, my goodness.
20:23My system's not used to champagne.
20:26No.
20:27Come on, mortified.
20:32I've got a present now.
20:34Yeah.
20:35Another little slifter.
20:43Oh, gotcha.
20:45Oh, please don't tell, Mum.
20:46I won't if you won't.
20:49Shh.
20:52Oh, I'm scared.
20:55I'm on my way.
20:59Oh, I fainted, I fainted.
21:02Oh, ding dong.
21:03Christmas comes once a year.
21:05Do you know, I knew you'd do a love bird.
21:07We not.
21:08He just drove us here.
21:10I thought I had to take some clothes off.
21:13Cat's had the bag, Joanie.
21:15I've seen the photos.
21:16Oh.
21:17Yeah.
21:19Spill the tea.
21:21Right.
21:21Well, I suppose it's only a matter of time,
21:23but listen, you're going to have to speak to your mother about those.
21:26Who is she?
21:27I'm buggered if I know, because I've searched the whole house.
21:30Oh, darling, you stay with your paramour.
21:31Have you finished?
21:32Finished.
21:32No, stop, Joan.
21:33Can I have some water, please?
21:38Mommy!
21:42Right, OK, let's split up.
21:44I'll take the lawn.
21:45Joan, you do the meadow.
21:46Meadow.
21:47And, um, and you and the kids check the drive.
21:50OK.
21:50Meadow.
21:53Felicity!
21:56Dang it!
21:57Would you look at this, huh?
21:59Felicity!
21:59Christmas night.
22:01I'd still be doing the washing up at home if I was there right now.
22:04Yeah.
22:05Not standing here.
22:08Looking at the stars.
22:11Sorry, hang on.
22:11Sorry.
22:12What's...
22:12Oh, God.
22:13Oh, great.
22:15What?
22:16There's a flight out of Heathrow tonight.
22:19Well, that's good news, isn't it?
22:21Yeah.
22:21Ah, great air, great.
22:23Yes.
22:24Yes.
22:24Um...
22:25All I have to do now is just, um, click this link to confirm.
22:32Oh, no.
22:33Would you look at that?
22:34My phone's off to running out of battery.
22:35Oh, no.
22:36What a shame.
22:38Um...
22:39Just guess it wasn't meant to be, huh?
22:41What a bummer.
22:44Just got to end up staying here.
22:47Yeah.
22:47Hey, do you know what?
22:49I'm going to go for a walk.
22:52Yeah.
22:53Felicity!
22:56Yeah, this is just...
22:57It's better than cover.
22:59Felicity!
23:01According to Wikipedia, I have eight brothers and sisters.
23:06Jay Jagger came in once when I was at Quo Vadis.
23:10I wonder, did she know?
23:13Felicity!
23:15It's mad.
23:16I don't think I could be spending next Christmas with them in Turks and Caicos.
23:19Ah!
23:20Whoa!
23:21Amanda!
23:22Ow!
23:23I just fell in the ha-ha.
23:26You all right?
23:27Yes.
23:28I am all right, Mal.
23:30Why are you laughing?
23:31You fell in a ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
23:33Who falls in a ha-ha?
23:35Stop it!
23:35It's not funny!
23:36You fell in a ha-ha.
23:38Come on.
23:39Get up.
23:41Amanda!
23:42I'm so sorry.
23:43Oh, my God!
23:44Oh, you know what?
23:45Thank you so much for today.
23:46Oh!
23:48Really.
23:50It beats lying on a couch with a curry in Haas, do I?
23:58Is that Jane's dog?
24:00Mummy?
24:02Mummy!
24:04Felicity!
24:06I didn't know.
24:07Oh!
24:07Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
24:09What?
24:09Ludo, wait, wait!
24:12Ludo!
24:13Huh?
24:16Oh!
24:17What did you say?
24:22Aha!
24:27Aha!
24:28Very away in a manger.
24:29Ah!
24:30I knew it was too good to last.
24:32Well, you're the last one to be found, so...
24:34That makes you the winner!
24:35Yes!
24:35Bravo, that girl!
24:36I tell you what, I could do you a big scoop of the Stilton and I'll crack open a bottle of port.
24:41Stop.
24:41You don't have to have port.
24:42Just stop talking.
24:43Please!
24:44It's too much.
24:45It's Christmas!
24:46It's supposed to be too much!
24:47No, you're too much.
24:48All this duro de vivre and endless glee and everything.
24:51It's just...
24:51It's just...
24:52Just stop!
24:53Please!
24:54Please!
24:56Okay.
25:00Stop!
25:05Please don't cry.
25:08I'm not crying.
25:09Come on, Joanie.
25:12This is what happens when you stop.
25:13The old black dog creeps in and...
25:16Oh, come on, put yourself together.
25:17Put yourself together, Joanie.
25:18Why are you being like this?
25:21Well, because of you, Flick.
25:22What nonsense.
25:24Do you remember what they used to call us on that ghastly old debutante circuit?
25:29Hmm?
25:30Great hair and the spare.
25:34Oh, actually, that's all the good.
25:35Yeah, it's all about the beautiful Felicity Wyndham.
25:38And I was just the podgy little sister.
25:41So I decided to be the life and soul of the party.
25:45Hostess with the mostess, the last one standing at the barn dance.
25:48And I can tell you something.
25:51After 60 bloody years, it's exhausting.
25:57Why didn't you ever see anything before?
25:59Oh.
26:01Well, it took Amanda to twist your arm to get you down here.
26:03Mummy?
26:04Oh, it's her.
26:05Oh.
26:06Oh, yeah.
26:06Yes, we're here.
26:07We're here.
26:08Hello.
26:09There she is.
26:14You know, I've spent the whole day trying to recreate the perfect family Christmas.
26:20But it turns out my whole life has been a lie.
26:25For God's sake, Amanda, stop being so melodramatic.
26:27Look, let's go inside and do your moment with the pavlovas.
26:30Yes.
26:30No, Mummy.
26:32I know your secret.
26:34And I know Joan knows.
26:35And that's why you didn't want to come here.
26:37Because you were worried she'd spill the beans.
26:42What is she talking about?
26:45Mummy.
26:47I've seen the photos.
26:50I have in my hand the proof.
26:55I'm Sir Mick Jagger's love child.
26:56What?
27:04Give those to me.
27:05Give those to me.
27:10That's not Mick Jagger.
27:12That's our cousin Rosamund.
27:14Oh, God.
27:15I mean, she was rather Jagger-esque, don't you think?
27:17Look, with the slim hips and everything.
27:18Oh, my God.
27:19Did you get her round robin this year?
27:20No, I didn't.
27:20They had to put down Pinky.
27:22OK, so if Mick Jagger isn't holding your pregnant belly,
27:25then what is the big deal?
27:26Why didn't you want anyone to see them?
27:29Look, the thing is, I wasn't pregnant in this photograph.
27:31I was fat.
27:34What?
27:35It was the 70s.
27:36I'd just discovered Black Forest Gatto.
27:40And that's our big family secret,
27:42that you were once fat for a summer?
27:45Yes.
27:47Though your father rather liked it.
27:48And you were conceived on that holiday.
27:52Oh, God.
27:56I just sent you to meet Jagger at DM.
27:58Can we, uh...
28:03I think I'm freezing.
28:06What was she thinking?
28:08Oh, sorry, Joanie.
28:09Oh, it's all right.
28:10It's all right, honestly.
28:13Merry Christmas.
28:15If it's any consolation,
28:17I always felt that Ma and Pa loved you more than they loved me.
28:20Oh, well.
28:21I'd have swapped that any day for a go on a Hemsworth, brother.
28:25Ooh.
28:29Is that singing?
28:31Yes, it's Anne.
28:33She's falling in the ha-ha.
28:43She'll be fine.
28:45Come on.
28:47And then John McClane ties this hosepipe around his waist
28:51because he thinks the guy in the helicopter is going to shoot him.
28:54So he's got no way out.
28:55So he ties himself in nice and tight.
28:57Is he topless?
28:58No, no, no.
28:59But by this point, he's down to his vest.
29:01How is this a Christmas film?
29:04What?
29:05You all right?
29:05Of course it's a Christmas film.
29:07Anyway, just a helicopter.
29:09I'm sorry Mick Jagger wasn't your father.
29:11I just thought that I was special.
29:18You are special.
29:25Of what it's worth, I'm sorry you didn't get to sleep with a Rolling Stone.
29:28Oh, I did sleep with Mick once or twice back in the day,
29:31but not in a way that you would get pregnant.
29:34Right, everyone, we're going to do Amanda's photo.
29:37Oh, Mummy.
29:38What?
29:38Really?
29:39Shall I get the pavlova?
29:40You're all right.
29:41I mean, I could take the pavlova.
29:42No, guys, you're all in it.
29:44Come on.
29:44There we go.
29:46Everyone ready?
29:46Yeah.
29:47Yeah, I'll just do the timer.
29:48Hang on.
29:50Oh, no, no.
29:50Quickly, quickly.
29:51Hang on.
29:52Hang on.
29:52Okay, everyone, quickly, quickly.
29:53Come on, everybody.
29:54Are we ready?
29:55There's a girl that likes a pudding.
30:03There's a girl that likes a pudding.
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