- 8 minutes ago
Shoresy.S05E01
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00:00Hey, we drinking beers?
00:13What's up, big sex?
00:15I'm just going to come over there and pet your cute little head.
00:18No, maybe I won't.
00:19It's more like it.
00:28What do you have?
00:29What are you doing?
00:30What do you mean, what am I doing?
00:31Building a fucking fort or something?
00:33Jerking off.
00:34Huh?
00:35I'm jerking off.
00:36You do it like that?
00:37What do you mean, like that?
00:38How do you do it?
00:39On my back.
00:40You does it like that.
00:41Hold on a second.
00:42Goody.
00:43Close the door, bud.
00:44Goody, you in there?
00:46Well, are you jerking off too?
00:48Yeah.
00:49Is Goody jerking off too?
00:50Yeah, and this is what that looks like to me.
00:52Close the door, bud.
00:54Lurdy, jump, jump.
00:55Hey, we drinking beers?
00:56Give me a sec.
00:57So like five or so?
00:58Okay.
00:59Okay, I'll see you in a bit.
01:00Can you close the door, bud?
01:01Oh, are we drinking beers?
01:02Gosh, we need to jerk off.
01:03Are you jerking off in there too?
01:05Yes.
01:06Oh my God.
01:07Wait, how?
01:09What's the how?
01:10You got like a laptop in there or something?
01:12No.
01:13No, bro.
01:14Because you're not watching porn?
01:15There's no porn in the shower.
01:16Look at you.
01:17So like, what?
01:18You just do it to like what's in your head?
01:20Yes.
01:21What?
01:22No, no.
01:23There's nothing to touch on the Spank Bank.
01:24So by memory?
01:25Yes, the Spank Bank.
01:26You just think of something and you jerk off to it?
01:28Yes, my brother.
01:29What?
01:30Are you on the fucking Mayflower?
01:31Mayflower?
01:32You never do that, Shorzy?
01:34No.
01:35Why not?
01:36Because we're not living in the fucking wild west.
01:38What do you mean?
01:39I mean, I'm not one of your ancestors wailing on it in a fucking teepee.
01:42Never?
01:43Fighting cowboys and fucking wigwams.
01:45You shouldn't watch porn at all, old man.
01:47You shouldn't watch porn at all?
01:49Yeah, I heard it on a-
01:50What?
01:51I heard it on a podcast that you shouldn't watch porn, no sir.
01:54Now you give me one fucking good reason why-
01:56Because it rewires your brain into only getting turned on when you watch this porn.
01:59As opposed to what?
02:00As opposed to actually hammering abroad.
02:02What?
02:03Yeah.
02:04So if you watch porn, your dick won't work when you want to actually hammer abroad?
02:07That's what the science suggests.
02:08Really?
02:09That's what the data indicates, old man.
02:11Really?
02:12Too much ending ain't good for you, bud.
02:14Wow.
02:15What are you doing, bud?
02:16Doing you a favor.
02:17Actually, can you plug that in?
02:18Dorsey, close the door by the Lord Jason.
02:20Well, wait a minute.
02:22But you're watching porn.
02:24That's what I'm not.
02:25Well, then what are you watching?
02:26Try on howls.
02:27Huh?
02:28Try on howls.
02:29Girls trying on clothes on YouTube.
02:31What?
02:32Yeah.
02:33Huh?
02:34It's called try on howls, where girls go around trying on clothes and all that.
02:36They're just trying on clothes?
02:37Yeah, and they got nice butts and boobs and all that.
02:40Well, you can look at the fucking window for nice butts and boobs and all that.
02:43No, bud.
02:44With try on howls, you can sometimes see the nipples through the clothes.
02:47On YouTube?
02:48Yeah, sometimes.
02:49Oh my god.
02:50Just kind of the lesser of two evils, boy.
02:52What an odd east coast cunt you are.
02:54The name of all things holy, Shorzy, boy.
02:56Close the door.
02:57Buddy.
02:58What's up, buddy?
02:59Bitch is in there jerking off to girls trying on clothes on YouTube.
03:01They're women, old man.
03:02Is he?
03:03Just kind of the lesser of two evils, boy.
03:04So what?
03:05So, because you're not supposed to watch porn, you just watch girls try on clothes instead?
03:10Oh, you never heard nothing so bad as that, eh?
03:12Where are they trying on the clothes?
03:14Sometimes home, sometimes at the mall.
03:16At the mall?
03:17Well, but I suppose they could be at a standalone store, a storefront.
03:20Hey, hey.
03:21I didn't tell you this, but he's in there on all fours, too.
03:24What?
03:25Yeah, he's in there on all fours jerking off to girls at the mall.
03:27No, he is.
03:28Yeah, come look.
03:29Come see.
03:30Look at this.
03:31Well, come in and make yourselves at home, boys, by the Jackal or Jesus.
03:34You do it like that?
03:35You never does it like this.
03:36No.
03:37How do you do it?
03:38Bye.
03:39Tap on that, kids, because it's fit.
03:41Fuck, he should try taking screenshots with his eyes like you.
03:44Good for it.
03:45Fuck it, me nerves is raw, bright, raw.
03:47Let's go to North Bay.
03:49Drinking beers!
03:51Are we drinking beers?
03:52Just gave you a beer.
03:53Drinking beers!
03:54Thanks for driving us, Jill.
03:55Just a cool buck and a half to North Bay, eh?
03:58Thanks for doing this for Jack.
03:59Jack would've done the same thing for me.
04:00His good buddy, Tiro.
04:02You smell good.
04:03Thanks, buddy.
04:04He'll be so happy to see you guys.
04:05Well, lock up your daughters with this one coming woke.
04:07He's just a little homesick out of the gate.
04:09It's a low mouth.
04:10How about this one?
04:11Fresh off a buck hunt up north.
04:13Seeing some familiar faces will go a long way.
04:15Hey goody, Six Nations gonna gobble up all the Cree in Sault Ste. Marie.
04:19Settle down.
04:20Why don't we go sit at a bar uptown and split an appetizer?
04:22Is she scoring?
04:23No, but it's just five games in.
04:25Is that a big deal?
04:26It's a goal scorer.
04:27Dolo, are we drinking beers?
04:28Yeah, but Jack's mom's mother is here.
04:30Jack's mom?
04:31Yeah, she's gonna be a bit late.
04:32She's in Massachusetts.
04:33Massachusetts?
04:34Massachusetts.
04:35Why do you wanna know if she's coming, Dolo?
04:37They've got the kids doing so many things now.
04:39Toxic Masculinity Seminar?
04:40Yeah.
04:41Radioactive masculinity?
04:42We'll settle down.
04:43Highly flammable masculinity?
04:45What do you say to some good chat in a nice bottle of red?
04:48Tsunami hazard masculinity!
04:49Ah!
04:50Shorzy.
04:51Seek shelter immediately!
04:52Shorzy, shut up.
04:53Hey, we drinking beers?
04:54Hey, you should peel off.
04:55Why?
04:56Well, if he's already homesick, you don't want him seeing his buddy's mom before the game.
05:00Really?
05:01What?
05:02The one who's been making him PB&J and breakfast for supper his whole life?
05:04Why?
05:05I'd be crying into my shirt.
05:06Okay, I'll see you out there.
05:07Seriously.
05:08All right.
05:09Where are we going?
05:10Fucking hell.
05:11What is this?
05:12Behind the curtain, eh?
05:13Look out!
05:14Where is this fucking guy?
05:15Uh-oh!
05:16Whoa, there he is!
05:17Connor!
05:18Yeah!
05:19What's going on, buddy?
05:20Yeah!
05:21Steven Cunningham as I live and breathe!
05:23Aw, man.
05:24Holy boats.
05:25It's the Salisbury Beefsteak Bulldog.
05:26This is Dolo.
05:27This is Hitch.
05:28You guys are unreal in that burglary tournament.
05:29Hey, thanks, bud.
05:30That was fun hockey.
05:31Good for it.
05:32Want to go grab us some beer, boss?
05:33Don't even fucking try to shake my hand.
05:35Last time I saw you, you're cross-checking me in the neck.
05:38Yeah, well, we're down three goals.
05:39Someone had to do something.
05:40So my wedding party's cross-checking me in the neck.
05:42If it wasn't your wedding, you'd be getting it in the tea.
05:43Hey, what's this I hear about a church league in Sudbury that got banned from their rink?
05:46Yeah, it's fucking everywhere, eh?
05:47It's the most bush league shit I've ever heard in my life.
05:49Oh, those guys play like psychos.
05:51How's it going?
05:52Good.
05:53Everything's good.
05:54Oh, like with the team?
05:55Slow start.
05:56A little slower.
05:57Not scoring yet.
05:58But good group?
05:59Great group.
06:00Couple wild boys in there.
06:01Oh, yeah.
06:02Couple psychos?
06:03Couple psychos in there.
06:04Nice.
06:05But good balance.
06:06A lot of US kids this year.
06:07Michigan, Minnesota, Massachusetts.
06:08Massachusetts?
06:09Massachusetts.
06:10Well, you're only about half as ugly as I remember, Connor.
06:11That's pretty good.
06:12Right, Sudbury boy?
06:13Yeah.
06:14Seventeen.
06:15Come here.
06:16Oh, I don't know.
06:17I like your tone there, Connor.
06:18Maybe pull back on the masculinity a little bit.
06:19Kids are like dogs.
06:20You know, you've got to raise them to the stiff hand.
06:21Teach them to come when they're called.
06:22It's important.
06:23Yep.
06:24One day you'll call them to come and they won't because they're run over.
06:25Yeah, buddy.
06:26Got to keep them structured.
06:27Keep them safe.
06:28Spoken like a two-time coach of the year.
06:29Three.
06:30Really?
06:31Two, four.
06:32Wow.
06:33Oh, there he is.
06:34Hey!
06:35Hey!
06:36Hey!
06:37Hey!
06:38What's up?
06:39Hey, let me grab him for a sec.
06:40Yeah.
06:41Hold on to her, buddy.
06:42You're alright.
06:43I haven't seen this kid in forever!
06:44Hold on to her.
06:45You're okay.
06:46You're alright.
06:47Sorry.
06:48No, don't say sorry.
06:49You just already started it.
06:50Just let it out.
06:51Alright.
06:52Don't fucking stop or anything.
06:53Just get it at you.
06:54It's alright.
06:55Sorry?
06:56You're alright.
06:57You're alright.
06:58You're alright?
06:59I'm alright.
07:00What's going on?
07:01I want to quit.
07:02No, you're not going to quit.
07:03I want to come home.
07:04That's stupid.
07:05No, it isn't.
07:06Don't be an idiot.
07:07I want to come home.
07:08What's a fucking home?
07:09All my friends.
07:10No, they're not.
07:11They're out playing junior like you.
07:12Not all of them.
07:13Fucking all you got at home is a bunch of drunk minors and a bad homeless problem.
07:14Yeah.
07:15It's getting worse.
07:16Yeah.
07:17Fucking, what do you want at home?
07:18You want some paninis?
07:19No.
07:20You can bring you one of those.
07:21No, I'm good.
07:22Alright.
07:23Well, what's the fucking problem then?
07:24Just nothing happening.
07:25What do you mean nothing happening?
07:26Not scoring.
07:27Not making buddies.
07:28Fucking, you're a hockey player.
07:29Don't worry about making buddies.
07:30You make a ton of buddies.
07:31Yeah.
07:32It's fucking, once the boys start jelling, you'll have a ton of buddies.
07:33Yeah.
07:34You get a ton of ass.
07:35Yeah.
07:36Why aren't you scoring?
07:37I don't know.
07:38I got the yips.
07:39Well, fucking everybody gets the yips.
07:40It's normal too, idiot.
07:41No, this is bad.
07:42Yeah, it's the yips.
07:43Every time I touch the puck, it's like I'm chopping it up into little pieces.
07:45Happens to everybody.
07:46It's really bad.
07:47Alright, you want to talk about the yips?
07:48Yeah.
07:49You want to talk about the yips?
07:50Yeah.
07:51You want to talk about the yips?
07:52I don't know.
07:53I don't know.
07:54I don't know.
07:55I don't know.
07:56I don't know.
07:57But imagine.
07:58Why'd you bring it up?
07:59I don't know, but you shouldn't watch porn anymore.
08:00Did you know that?
08:01Oh my God.
08:02Your dick's working okay, eh?
08:03Yeah.
08:04You sure?
08:05Yeah.
08:06I fucking knew it.
08:07Well, you all fucking robust, aren't you?
08:08Right?
08:09Yeah.
08:10Yeah.
08:11All right.
08:12We're at the other end over here, or what?
08:13Yeah.
08:14All right, here's what we're going to do.
08:16We're going to keep it simple, okay?
08:17We're going to take it one period at a time.
08:18Just one period at a time.
08:19Just one period at a time.
08:20Just one period at a time.
08:21I'm going to keep it simple.
08:22I'm going to keep it simple, okay?
08:23We're going to take it one period at a time.
08:25Just one period at a time, okay?
08:27Okay.
08:28All right, so you're not scoring.
08:29You've got to find a way to contribute.
08:30Right.
08:31You've got to find a way to help your team.
08:32I know.
08:33So go kill some guys.
08:34Okay.
08:35Just fucking go out there, run around, and fucking get in the game.
08:37Okay.
08:38Kill some guys.
08:39Okay.
08:40Now what did I tell you to be?
08:41The hardest worker out there.
08:42That's right, say it again.
08:43The hardest worker out there.
08:44That's right, say it again.
08:45The hardest worker out there.
08:46You go out there and you work hard, you'll get your bounces.
08:48The bounces come with the hard work.
08:49So you go out there and you skate.
08:51Okay.
08:52You go like fucking stink.
08:53Okay.
08:54Let's go, 17.
08:55Hold on.
08:56Are you okay?
08:57Yeah.
08:58You sure you're all right?
08:59Fuck yeah.
09:00You ready?
09:01Yeah.
09:02All right.
09:03Well, I'm coming back after the first period.
09:04You better have done something good.
09:05Okay.
09:06I'm serious.
09:07Just do something good.
09:08Go out there and you just fucking kill some guys.
09:09I will.
09:10Be a killer.
09:11I will.
09:12All right?
09:13Work hard.
09:14Keep it simple.
09:15That's it?
09:16Okay.
09:17Good luck, coach.
09:18Thanks, man.
09:19Hey, that's our designated driver you're talking about.
09:20You're fucking designated driver.
09:21Should I ask her to go or what?
09:22Where she can say is no.
09:23Hey, we drinking beers?
09:24Boy.
09:25What?
09:26You killed some guys.
09:27Kind of.
09:28Oh no, you fucking killed some guys.
09:29That one in front of our bench is pretty good.
09:30Did you hear that sound after?
09:31What?
09:32It's the sound of a hundred people opening their programs to see who fucking 17 is.
09:33Shut up.
09:34That's Sudbury, Ontario bitch.
09:35Shut up.
09:36And you got an assist too.
09:37How about that?
09:38See what happens when you work hard, you get your bounces.
09:39It was a phantom assist.
09:40It wasn't a phantom assist.
09:41It was a secondary assist.
09:42Secondary assist, whatever.
09:43You got an assist.
09:44You contributed.
09:45Shut the fuck up.
09:46Fine.
09:47You're on the score sheet, dumb fuck.
09:48Smile.
09:49Fine.
09:50So what are you doing now?
09:52You are already doing that.
09:53You're already doing that?
09:54Keep it simple.
09:55You're going to score a goal, idiot?
09:56Oh yeah.
09:57Well, you're a goal scorer, aren't ya?
09:58Yeah.
09:59Well then keep it simple.
10:14First period, kill some guys.
10:15Well then, keep it simple, first period kill some guys, second period, after all of
10:19guys second period score some goals okay i'll just start scoring now hey you love scoring goals all
10:25hockey players love scoring goals that's what keeps us coming back that feeling i know get back to
10:31that okay you started playing hockey to score goals you idolize the guys that score goals
10:38just remember how good it feels to score you love scoring goals go get that feeling get that feeling
10:45i'm coming back after the second do something good
11:01look at you look at you you are buzzing kid 17 you've arrived eh yep welcome to the league
11:10you're on the pp with duncan hazy to start the third okay
11:16now what are you gonna do get another one are you yeah what what well you already got one i'll get
11:21another yeah you already got one so what do i do well first period kill some guys yeah second period
11:28score some goals yeah third period make sure they never forget who you are
11:31who are you jack jack who jack webster from where narnia from sudbury hell yeah
11:40fuck yeah just tell me what to do it's working all right well you got a goal you got an assist
11:44what don't you got what you got a goal you got an assist you're one away from something
11:51you want me to go for a gordy howe hat trick well i don't know what's that you want me to fight
11:56well what's a gordy howe hat trick a goal and assist in a fight was that what that is yeah
11:59fuck that'll get you a ton of ass i think gordy howe hat trick sounds so cool okay look you're
12:05scoring your teammates like that you fight your teammates love that so you wait till you get up
12:11another goal or two and you pick a fight how what do you mean how what do i do huh just go up to some
12:17guy you tell him his mom's so fucking boring you're half asleep even when you're railing on
12:20oh my god dude but if her feet didn't stink so bad you'd be right out cold are you seriously
12:25telling me to fight me no because you're not supposed to do that anymore i'm just saying i love
12:29what my teammates do that's all i fucking love it
12:36fuck you shorty i don't fucking care tell him you love his mom's egyptian cotton sheets
12:41say you can't believe she found him at winters
12:52this trip had the effect i was after well the best is yet to come thanks for this guys no problem our
12:58pleasure hey have you met my pal dolo to go massachusetts massachusetts massachusetts
13:03are you kidding me are you kidding me that's a kid's a fucking diver
13:21it's a dive oh look at that one guy gets the gate the other one stays on the ice how about that that's
13:27that's a fucking dive it's a fucking diver hey you got something to say sit down that's my kid you
13:33got something to say careful aloud you say that no let's fucking hear it yeah he plays like a
13:37fucking euro fuck you yeah you teach him how to lay on the ice like that fucking teach you something
13:42teach him how to dive i will kick your ass oh fucking cool you want to be that guy at your kid's game
13:47get in a fight sit down drink your beer fuck you sit the fuck down you're a fucking loser fuck you
13:52tap nap we got a guy for you if you want it drink your beer shut the fuck up
14:00how about that diving's part of the game now gross every hit's a penalty so the kids are hitting way
14:06less and if they get hit they snap their head back or they fold up like a lawn chair they know how to
14:13sell it to draw the penalty dishonorable hockey nothing worse than being labeled a diver it's all
14:19in their tool bags now diver's the worst label in hockey me son he'll be the difference in the game
14:24so they go for it i have a hard time with that well you're a coach you okay with diving if it gets
14:28you a win well the win's a win boys all's fair and true love and war what you're gonna lay on the
14:33ice old man no you never fucking lay on the ice you'll take a dive well i'll stick you in the face
14:38a little speary in the nuts whatever it takes to get you to retaliate but i don't know i'd rather
14:43lose honorably than win dishonorably you let's see what kind of pretzel you squeeze yourself into
14:52this year as a coach
14:57hey man hey man i'm sorry that was super bushly there's no room for that here
15:02all right no no i was being an idiot i'm sorry that was super bushly
15:05yeah don't worry about it you buy you a beer sure sweet let's have a beer where are you in from
15:12you know wingham oh yeah man wingham ironman junior c yeah that's the one that's it how long does it
15:16take to get here this is turning into quite a story folks an unfortunate one for north american hockey
15:23it's not just the running up of scores by the europeans that's the newsmaker here we are seeing
15:28a physical style of play from the europeans that exceeds anything i've seen in perhaps decades
15:35this team known as simply the eu are doing a real number on us understatement contest i win
15:43hey settle down you bomb hugger let the pie hug his mother let this pie hug his mom
15:48way over there who wants to keep me company back to sudbury who wants to keep me company back to
15:53sudbury massachusetts massachusetts holy you're hammered when did this happen
15:59dolu you're not riding an hour and a half home alone in a car with my mom i'll go too that's better
16:04i'll babysit i'll allow it you better get your together you're not gonna have a shot you're
16:08fucking hilarious hey he has a bad game moment of thanks he'll be just fine good game kiddo
16:13thank you love you love you i'll go get the car what are you looking for what what chair for what
16:23what do you do with a chair bus sit why i'm drunk
16:30inspired performance inspired i'm serious maybe you want to take a couple hard laps thanks for
16:34helping me out be soft right now it's time to get to work yeah you got a new team new squad you got
16:40to help build the culture i will got to help build a winning culture i will it's important every guy buys
16:44in i know so you know names yeah everybody's name yeah all right what's his name who the trainer i
16:51don't know that's the first name you should know i'll learn it you're gonna be bleeding and sweating
16:55all over those guys all year know their name calm down i will what's this guy's name the bus driver
17:01no the spaceship driver you fucking idiot i don't know know everybody's name the bus driver the beer
17:06vendor the janitor the janitor's stepdaughter you didn't know my name for like a month that's different
17:10shut the fuck up okay i get it know everybody's name and call them by name that's how you build
17:16respect that's how you build a winning culture all right all right all right all right what's the
17:21equipment guy's name i don't know i'll learn it you don't know fucking anything you don't know six times
17:25eight 58 no 68 six times eight i know there's an eight in there it's fucking 48 holy you're dumb is
17:34that what it is you're such a dumb fuck i don't fucking care i got bigger fish to try buddy boy trust me
17:39yeah like the eps i never said that happened to me okay but you're so insensitive right it's
17:43fucking hammer time every time with me but i can fight it in you sure i'm just saying what i need
17:47to say to get you to stop with all your no you weren't i was you're all like no you weren't
17:52well shut the fuck up you're the best player out there buddy no one out there is better than you
18:00it's gonna be tough sometimes just give your balls a tug
18:04no one out there is better than you thanks you're the best
18:09you're gonna get a ton of ass
18:14hitch we drinking beers he's had enough well he's never gonna get you out for dim sum with that kind
18:19of work ethic how are you not like that too so i'm a real man you're an idiot hey crank your rear view
18:25i'll show you what a real man looks like back here drinking beers
18:31how do you know what to do with them with who the kids because i was one how did you know what to
18:37do with jack it's what my brother used to do with me you found a way to simplify things for me
18:45let me get what i want
18:52so where are you going tonight where am i going yeah you're going to the colson
18:57no strip club sides back open again oh i hadn't heard how did this town survive without a strip club
19:04for that long i don't know but we're back baby
19:07all right where are you going bed well you've earned it straight to bed
19:21long day on the road
19:24i'm just trying to figure out if i turn on the furnace or if i have someone to crawl in there with me
19:28actually can you throw me off the ring i sure can i'll get him home safe
19:51it's too late to turn back now i believe i believe i believe i'm falling in love
19:59it's too late to turn back now i believe i believe i believe i'm falling in love
20:07i found myself phoning her at least ten times a day
20:15you know it's so unusual for me to carry on this way
20:21on this way on this way i can't sleep at night
20:26i can't sleep at night
20:28the world seemed to roll the tide
20:33i tried so hard to convince myself now this feeling just it can't be right
20:39i'm telling you it's too late to turn back now
20:45i believe i believe i believe i'm falling in love
20:49it's too late to turn back now
20:53i believe i believe i believe i'm falling in love
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