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Finding My Father Season 1 Episode 100
Finding My Father
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Finding My Father
#RealityInsightHub
🎞 Please subscribe to our official channel to watch the full movie for free, as soon as possible. ❤️Reality Insight Hub❤️
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FunTranscript
00:00:00I love you.
00:00:30I don't know.
00:02:00Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, that leaves are so unchanging, how often has the Christmas tree afforded me so grandly?
00:02:17Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, much pleasure thou canst give me.
00:02:24You have the time.
00:02:44You do.
00:02:48This is the year.
00:02:49This is the year.
00:03:19I'm feeling well, if I'm dull, if I'm not that bright.
00:03:23Watch out the door, then shut her eyes.
00:03:26Ho, ho, ho!
00:03:27Oh and go!
00:03:28Oh, ho, ho!
00:03:29Oh and go!
00:03:30I've got an awesome quick fix!
00:03:32Tunpow chicken!
00:03:33Here is good fix!
00:03:47Chris.
00:03:49You're at an age now where, as a parent,
00:03:54it's my job to tell you certain facts that you might not want to hear.
00:04:01Go. Relax.
00:04:03We've done this all in school.
00:04:05You have?
00:04:06Yeah. Last year.
00:04:08Oh.
00:04:09Oh.
00:04:12Oh.
00:04:13That is a weight off. I can't tell you.
00:04:17Oh, your face.
00:04:19I don't think I've ever heard you say sperm.
00:04:22What?
00:04:24Oh, God.
00:04:25You want to teach me to put on a contraception?
00:04:27God, no, Chris.
00:04:28No, that's not what this is about.
00:04:32It's about Father Christmas.
00:04:35What do you mean?
00:04:37Is he all right?
00:04:39Did something happen?
00:04:40Yeah.
00:04:40Well, no, I mean...
00:04:44Remember the snow on the roof on Christmas morning?
00:04:47And, um...
00:04:48And the sleigh tracks.
00:04:50And the...
00:04:50The soot in the grate.
00:04:52And the presents under the tree.
00:04:54Well...
00:04:54Well, that was all me.
00:04:59I did that.
00:05:00You're Father Christmas.
00:05:09You've been drawing happiness to billions of children all over the world.
00:05:13No, that's not what I mean.
00:05:15Dad, I'm not being funny, but I really can't see you getting down our chimney.
00:05:19Let alone back off it.
00:05:20I've seen you on the monkey balls.
00:05:22Chris, we had the chimney sealed off before you were born, when we had the gas fire put in.
00:05:28What about the carrots?
00:05:30And the single malt?
00:05:33I suppose that was all you as well, was it?
00:05:36Yes.
00:05:37Obviously.
00:05:39I'm sorry, Chris, but...
00:05:42He isn't real.
00:05:44Oh, Father Christmas doesn't exist.
00:05:49I mean, think about it.
00:05:50A billion children.
00:05:52All over the world.
00:05:53I mean, it is physically impossible to deliver that many presents in a single night.
00:05:59He would say that.
00:06:00He looked for the Royal Mail.
00:06:02He probably uses different...
00:06:04..software.
00:06:06And what software makes a reindeer fly at warp speeds and lights up his hooter?
00:06:12Nothing that's commercially available, but...
00:06:15And how does a man of that girth fit down a chimney?
00:06:19Even if you haven't even got one?
00:06:21And to never be seen?
00:06:24I'm sorry, Chris.
00:06:25I know this time of year is special to you.
00:06:29But you're old enough now to know the truth.
00:06:31I know this.
00:06:55I know this.
00:06:55I know this.
00:06:57You'd be able to explain it, wouldn't you?
00:07:19If you were here.
00:07:21But you're not.
00:07:22You're probably at Lord's, or in Norfolk, or a book library.
00:07:32What's this?
00:07:56Eggman Joe.
00:07:56I've had a little time to think about what you said, and I did it.
00:08:08I do.
00:08:09It's been a rough year.
00:08:12Seriously.
00:08:12One for the ages.
00:08:14And it's not like there isn't stiff competition.
00:08:16Professionally, you were laid off, then fired, then you became a postman to be demoted almost
00:08:26immediately to the sorting office.
00:08:29Medically, although it wasn't proved serious in the end, you had to undergo a number of
00:08:36probes that people tended to laugh at rather than feel sorry for you for.
00:08:42It was during that health scare that you lost your place on the pub dance team to a man
00:08:47who was almost double your age.
00:08:49He was so talented.
00:08:51And it's hard to see a way back.
00:08:56Romantically, I'm sorry, but it's been a complete and utter disaster.
00:09:00Miss Bailey, who lives almost opposite, who you like, and I like, even though she teaches
00:09:07me double science.
00:09:08She asked you on a date back in April, and you still haven't called her back.
00:09:13Sorry to interrupt, but is there a point to all this, or are you just trying to boost morale?
00:09:18Yeah.
00:09:18Yeah, there is.
00:09:20And the point is, is that it's only natural after the year you've had to lose a little bit
00:09:25like that Christmas feeling.
00:09:28Chris, come on, please.
00:09:29To become jaded and cynical.
00:09:31I'm not this again.
00:09:33Dad, you're wrong.
00:09:36I love you, but you're wrong.
00:09:38Father Christmas is real, and I'm going to prove it to you.
00:09:42Father Christmas is real, and I'm going to prove it to you.
00:10:12Father Christmas is real, and I'm going to prove it to you.
00:10:23Pac, what I'll do with this one, mate?
00:10:25Ho, ho, ho!
00:10:27Follow me.
00:10:28I'll let you into a little secret.
00:10:38In there!
00:10:42Don't worry, you get used to it.
00:10:53What happens to all the shredded paper?
00:10:55It's put on the back of a blue lorry and then no one knows.
00:10:57To be fair, we live in such a cynical age, I'm surprised anyone still writes the Father Christmas.
00:11:04My boy does.
00:11:05I thought you said he was 16 and doing his GCSEs.
00:11:09He is.
00:11:12Cryptozoology is essentially the study of creatures that are said to exist but are unproven, undocumented by science.
00:11:32The creatures that are studied are called cryptids and you're familiar with Loch Ness, Monster, Chupacabra, things like that.
00:11:40And within cryptozoology, it just doesn't get any bigger than Bigfoot because of all the cryptids out there, Bigfoot has the most sightings.
00:11:51Sightings by very credible people from the past of their life.
00:11:55The fact that this occurred in Alaska in an area, you know, the population density is like...
00:12:04Folly!
00:12:05It's me, Chris!
00:12:07Okay, good, yeah, I thought so.
00:12:09And another...
00:12:11And another...
00:12:13And another...
00:12:15Wait!
00:12:16One more.
00:12:18And open sesame...
00:12:20I need a favour.
00:12:22Oh, sorry, love, I'm on break, all right?
00:12:38Look, I'm like a long-distance blurry driver.
00:12:40What?
00:12:40I take a break every 45 minutes, every four and a half hours.
00:12:42No, no, you're a disgrace.
00:12:43Sorry, it's regulations.
00:12:44Merry Christmas.
00:12:45Oh, God.
00:12:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:12:48You are banned, okay?
00:12:50No, I told you last year, that was the last year.
00:12:53You're too old for this now, mate.
00:12:54I just want to ask you a question.
00:13:03What's my mic for?
00:13:05I don't do podcasts.
00:13:06I've got my reputation to think about.
00:13:08Yeah, Chris wants to prove to his dad that Father Christmas is real.
00:13:11Oh, my God.
00:13:12Now, how many times do I have to tell you, mate, I'm not Father Christmas, okay?
00:13:17This bed isn't real.
00:13:20And...
00:13:20I'm a Muslim.
00:13:22Okay, but what about the porch?
00:13:24Yeah, the porch is real.
00:13:26Obviously, I know you're not Father Christmas.
00:13:28I'm not stupid.
00:13:30It's only seven more sleeps until the big day.
00:13:33He's not going to be here, is he?
00:13:34This is crunch time.
00:13:36He's got more important things to be doing.
00:13:38What do you want to ask me?
00:13:39Last year, when I was here,
00:13:41I overheard you talking to one of the single mums
00:13:44who was really impressed about how you knew Stephen Fry.
00:13:49You knew Stephen Fry?
00:13:50Yeah.
00:13:51I mean, I wouldn't say he's a close friend, but, yeah.
00:13:54No, that is literally what you said.
00:13:55Yeah, he's more of a close friend of, like, a casual acquaintance,
00:13:58but what's that got to do with anything?
00:14:01Stephen Fry is like God to my dad.
00:14:03He will listen to anything he says.
00:14:05I mean, he won't necessarily understand it,
00:14:07but he will listen.
00:14:08So, the best way to prove to my dad
00:14:11that Father Christmas is real
00:14:12is to have Stephen Fry say that he is.
00:14:15I just need you to introduce us.
00:14:18Right, I'm going to level with you, OK?
00:14:19Honestly, honestly, I don't really know him that well.
00:14:21Yeah, I feel like you don't know him at all.
00:14:24No.
00:14:24No.
00:14:25Although I did bump into him in a Sainsbury's car park.
00:14:28Shut up.
00:14:29What was he like?
00:14:30He is so nice.
00:14:32And it was my fault, because I was reversing.
00:14:34Didn't realise he was in first gear.
00:14:36Bumped into him.
00:14:36Oh, my God, Stephen Fry.
00:14:38So, you bumped into him in a car?
00:14:40Yeah.
00:14:42Did you swap details?
00:14:45Well, no, I think he's married, isn't he?
00:14:47Insurance details?
00:14:48Insurance details, right.
00:14:49He didn't have his details on him,
00:14:51so he wrote his name and address down,
00:14:53and then he put them into my phone.
00:14:55Got it in my phone.
00:15:07Big red bin of shredded dreams coming through.
00:15:14Hello.
00:15:15Oh, Mr. Matty.
00:15:17Yep.
00:15:18It's Georgina Bailey from the school
00:15:21and the house are most opposite.
00:15:25Georgina, hi.
00:15:27I'm so glad you called.
00:15:30I've been meaning to call you back.
00:15:32Oh, Nick.
00:15:33No, honestly, I have.
00:15:34It's just been a really hectic couple of eight months.
00:15:38Yeah, that's not the reason that I'm calling.
00:15:41Oh?
00:15:41It's Chris.
00:15:42He didn't come into school today.
00:15:45I wouldn't have called.
00:15:45It's just that I saw him when I left for school this morning
00:15:49and it looked like he was on the way in.
00:15:51I know it's the last day of terms.
00:15:53Yeah.
00:15:54No, thank you.
00:15:55It's good to know that you're really on it over there.
00:15:58Um, no, um, he actually had a doctor's appointment today
00:16:03and that's why he couldn't make it in.
00:16:05Yeah, no, it's nothing serious.
00:16:06He's just got a rash on his...
00:16:10It's okay.
00:16:10Don't need to know the details.
00:16:11Okay, listener, so we are currently outside a house of Stephen Fry
00:16:25in a yellow van.
00:16:28Don't...
00:16:28I'm not going to.
00:16:29In fact...
00:16:31What are you doing?
00:16:33This way, he can't track you.
00:16:39No, don't.
00:16:44Oh.
00:16:48That is really annoying.
00:16:51Not to mention so irresponsible.
00:16:58Oh, sir.
00:16:59And this is why they tell you to back everything up.
00:17:02In case a stray lunatic decides to literally eat your data.
00:17:08I've seen it happen.
00:17:12Anyway, thanks for me, your dad doesn't have a clue where we are.
00:17:17Oh, hello, Uncle Nicholas.
00:17:19I might have known you'd have something to do with this.
00:17:22What even is this?
00:17:23Wait, sorry, can you...
00:17:24Can you do that one more time?
00:17:25I'm just...
00:17:26I forgot to click record.
00:17:27Don't tell me you bunked off school to do a podcast.
00:17:30Is that...
00:17:32What, I don't...
00:17:33I can't see anyone.
00:17:35Who?
00:17:36Who can't you see?
00:17:38Oh.
00:17:39Oh, it's...
00:17:40It's him.
00:17:43What?
00:17:43Why?
00:17:44How?
00:17:45Huh?
00:17:46Oh, it's all right.
00:17:47Breathe.
00:17:47In.
00:17:49And out.
00:17:50In.
00:17:51And out.
00:17:51Breathe.
00:17:51It's all right.
00:17:52Chris wants to ask Stephen Fry if Father Christmas is real.
00:17:55Oh.
00:17:55Chris, I thought we'd discuss this.
00:17:58We did.
00:17:59And I said that I'd get you proof.
00:18:01This is it.
00:18:02If Stephen Fry says that Father Christmas is real, then perhaps he'll believe me.
00:18:06All right.
00:18:06And if he says he isn't, will you believe me?
00:18:08If I'd have known, I would have put on a different shirt.
00:18:18OK, you need to calm down.
00:18:20I need the toilet.
00:18:21It's what I need.
00:18:21Oh, I'm sorry.
00:18:28I thought you were cowl singers.
00:18:32Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen.
00:18:39Gag, please.
00:18:41We all have to wait in the car.
00:18:42Sorry.
00:18:43We're not cowl singers.
00:18:44I'm just a huge fan.
00:18:46I've watched everything you've ever done on television.
00:18:48I've listened to all your books, even the one about ties.
00:18:50Isn't that adorable?
00:18:53Well, what impeccable taste you have.
00:18:54Now, if you don't mind, I'm just going to call the police.
00:18:57No, please.
00:18:58We literally just want to ask you one question.
00:19:00Can I use your toilet?
00:19:01That wasn't it.
00:19:03I'm going to close the door now.
00:19:05Goodbye.
00:19:06Wait.
00:19:09Is Father Christmas real?
00:19:10I'm sorry.
00:19:14What did you say the name was?
00:19:16Father Christmas.
00:19:18You have heard of Father Christmas?
00:19:20Yes.
00:19:21No, I mean, I thought you said...
00:19:23Oh, my goodness, I left the oven on.
00:19:24Goodbye.
00:19:25Stephen, please.
00:19:26It will only take a minute.
00:19:28Come on.
00:19:29It is Christmas.
00:19:30It is Christmas.
00:19:37It's just as I imagined it.
00:19:40Is Father Christmas real?
00:19:46In order to deliver all those satsumas and pairs of socks,
00:19:49Father Christmas would have to travel jolly fast.
00:19:52But how jolly?
00:19:53Show your workings, Fry.
00:19:55Certainly, sir.
00:19:56Well, speed, as we know, is distance divided by time.
00:20:04And we calculate distance by seeing the number of households that celebrate Christmas,
00:20:11which is roughly 45% of the population.
00:20:158.2 billion.
00:20:17By the average number of people in a household, which is approximately 3.95.
00:20:22That gives us 934,177,215 households.
00:20:36Basically a billion.
00:20:37Basically a billion.
00:20:38Dad, final word.
00:20:40By the global average spacing.
00:20:43So, 186 million kilometers plus change, which is more than 100 return trips to the moon.
00:20:51So, all that distance over time.
00:20:55And how much time does Father Christmas have at his disposal?
00:20:58Well, I'm going to say 30 hours, if you think of when the last children go to sleep on Christmas Island
00:21:05and the first children wake up in American Samoa.
00:21:08It gives us a total of 6,277,848 kilometers per hour.
00:21:20Well, that is jolly fast, like you said.
00:21:25Not as fast as the speed of light, mind you.
00:21:28But, alas, the air resistance alone will be enough to instantly vaporize any normal human being.
00:21:34And actually, these figures are a trifle optimistia because they don't take into account
00:21:38the fact that Father Christmas has to stop a billion times to deliver the actual presence.
00:21:44That means constant acceleration and deceleration, not to mention going down all those chimneys and up them again.
00:21:52It just stretches credibility even further, doesn't it?
00:21:55How does he do that?
00:21:56Especially when there is no chimney.
00:21:57And given the fact that he is, pun intended, widely reported to be generously proportioned.
00:22:05Right, yeah, well, um, thank you, Stephen.
00:22:08It's been really helpful.
00:22:10That's not everything.
00:22:12Well, it's enough to be getting on with, so...
00:22:13What else were you going to say?
00:22:16Nothing, really.
00:22:17That was...
00:22:17That was the nub.
00:22:19Please tell me.
00:22:21Well, it's just that, based on the lack of verifiable sightings and bona fide photographic evidence,
00:22:28we have to conclude that Father Christmas does all this while remaining completely invisible.
00:22:41I'd like to go home now, please.
00:22:43Yeah, of course, mate.
00:22:45Yeah, um, let's get you on.
00:22:46Excuse me, Chris, um, I just wanted to add that until 1903 and the Wright brothers, powered human flight was thought to be impossible.
00:23:11But it wasn't.
00:23:12But it wasn't.
00:23:14We just didn't have a proper understanding of aerodynamics and propulsion and three-axis steering.
00:23:20We had to wait for the science to catch up.
00:23:22And what I'm saying is all of that in there might not be impossible.
00:23:27It might just be that we can't explain it.
00:23:31Not yet.
00:23:32But we have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.
00:23:38Oh, and, er, talking pictures, I don't know, I thought perhaps you might like to have this.
00:23:44Scary, we're getting after 20.
00:23:45Oh, I would.
00:23:46Oh, look at that.
00:23:47Wow.
00:23:48Oh, that is the best Christmas present ever.
00:23:52Oh.
00:23:54I feel a bit embarrassed now.
00:23:56Really?
00:23:57There's no reason to be.
00:23:59If I'd have known, I...
00:24:00Probably wouldn't have taken that.
00:24:08Have you taken anything else?
00:24:20God, Uncle Nicholas.
00:24:21Hello?
00:24:43No.
00:24:45No, I...
00:24:46I didn't say anything.
00:24:47I promise.
00:24:49In fact, I said the exact opposite.
00:24:52I...
00:24:53I was very careful.
00:25:16Hey.
00:25:17How'd it go to the doctors?
00:25:19Yeah.
00:25:20No, it was good.
00:25:22Thanks.
00:25:23Yeah, no, they, um...
00:25:24They gave him a cream.
00:25:29Merry Christmas.
00:25:31Merry eczema.
00:25:38Merry eczema.
00:25:40Eczmas.
00:25:41I just got it because of the...
00:25:43Because of the rash.
00:25:45I just got it.
00:25:46Mm-hmm.
00:25:47I know.
00:25:47Tommy Chase.
00:26:08plastik.
00:26:09Yeah.
00:26:10I know.
00:26:11Good night, son.
00:26:40Bye, Dad.
00:26:42Chris, I know you're disappointed, but this doesn't mean that Christmas is cancelled.
00:26:48We can still do all the other stuff.
00:26:51Everything else will stay exactly the same.
00:26:53Yeah, but it won't be the same, will it?
00:26:55Which comes to 934,177,215 households.
00:27:13So, basically a billion.
00:27:15Basically a billion.
00:27:21We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.
00:27:25The bigger picture.
00:27:27The bigger picture.
00:27:29The bigger picture.
00:27:31Bus aroundhouse.
00:27:32The bigger picture.
00:27:35When is the chegou darkness?
00:27:37I don't care about the bell scanning space today.
00:27:41It's probably a murder map.
00:27:43I love the wondered that the change again.
00:27:47I used to have a Blin
00:29:33Jason.
00:29:34Jason Fox.
00:29:35Ex-Special Forces.
00:29:37TV personality.
00:29:39Right.
00:29:40And you think, what, they all work for Father Christmas and basically make it possible for
00:29:47him to deliver all those presents to all those children in a single night and not be seen
00:29:52doing it.
00:29:53Yeah.
00:29:54Yeah.
00:29:55I know it sounds tenuous.
00:29:56I'm in.
00:30:00You have me a tenuous.
00:30:02Yeah.
00:30:09All right.
00:30:11Yeah.
00:31:12Oh, I love a podcast.
00:31:15We're trying to find proof that Father Christmas is real.
00:31:18Oh, OK.
00:31:19No, I'm sorry.
00:31:20I cannot help you with that.
00:31:21Where did you get this?
00:31:31Journalist never reveals her source.
00:31:33Stephen gave you this, didn't he?
00:31:35Yeah, 100%.
00:31:36Yeah.
00:31:37I'm not a journalist.
00:31:38He's such a blabbermouth.
00:31:39What else did he tell you?
00:31:41Nothing.
00:31:41I don't find that very difficult to believe.
00:31:44Well, he said that it might not be impossible for Father Christmas to climb down chindries that aren't even there.
00:31:50Just that we can't explain it yet.
00:31:52I mean, he can't explain it yet.
00:31:55Do you know that he failed O-level physics?
00:32:00Does that mean that you can explain it?
00:32:06Well, yeah, of course I can explain it.
00:32:08It's just, you know.
00:32:10Yeah, you don't want to.
00:32:11Yeah, I don't want to.
00:32:13I mean, obviously she can.
00:32:15She just doesn't want to.
00:32:16I can actually explain it, guys.
00:32:18No, I believe you.
00:32:19Professor?
00:32:20Excuse me.
00:32:20What are these fake air quotes?
00:32:22I'm an actual professor.
00:32:24Okay, Chris.
00:32:25Come on.
00:32:25Let's go.
00:32:26Oh, haven't you still got that number for Professor Brian Cox?
00:32:29Okay.
00:32:29Yeah, somewhere.
00:32:30Okay.
00:32:30It's macroscopic quantum tunneling.
00:32:34Just remind me what that is again.
00:32:36Okay.
00:32:36So Father Christmas turns himself and his presents into a single quantum object.
00:32:40And that way he can pass through solid walls.
00:32:43Like a ghost?
00:32:44No.
00:32:45Nothing like a ghost.
00:32:46This is the quantum world.
00:32:47It's where particles don't exist at a single point.
00:32:50They exist everywhere and nowhere all at once in like a cloud of probability that spreads
00:32:54through space.
00:32:55And that way a particle could be on the roof of a house, but it could also be inside the
00:33:01house underneath the Christmas tree.
00:33:04That's quantum tunneling.
00:33:06I see.
00:33:07And how can you travel fast enough to be able to deliver all those presents in a single night?
00:33:13Well, he's using an Alcubier drive, right?
00:33:15He's, he's engulfing his sleigh in a bubble of Minkowski space.
00:33:18And that way he doesn't need to feel any of the G-forces.
00:33:21Uh, okay.
00:33:27I, uh, I forgot.
00:33:29Actually, I, I need to go.
00:33:31I've got a lecture to do.
00:33:32Sorry.
00:33:33Bye.
00:33:35How does he make himself turn invisible?
00:33:37That was weird.
00:33:53I know, right?
00:33:55Since when did the pencil moustache come back into fashion?
00:33:58Before that, I mean.
00:34:00That photograph, it really put her on eggs.
00:34:04That's it?
00:34:05We need to talk to the other people in the photograph.
00:34:07That's what we're doing, Holly.
00:34:09You've got to call them.
00:34:11You've got to call them right now.
00:34:12How?
00:34:13We're going to have a number.
00:34:14Or a SIM card.
00:34:17Oh, sorry, mate.
00:34:18One second.
00:34:18Yeah, I better get this.
00:34:20This might be for me.
00:34:22Hello?
00:34:23Yeah, speaking.
00:34:27Oh, hello, Dame Maggie Adair in Pocock.
00:34:32How did she get your number?
00:34:35No, Oscar.
00:34:36Yeah, no, sorry, still here.
00:34:41She wants to meet.
00:34:57I'm not sure this is a good idea.
00:34:58Yeah, that's what makes it a good idea.
00:35:02She wouldn't ask to meet in a place like this unless we were dangerously close to the truth.
00:35:06I feel the truth is real.
00:35:24is father crisp is real he's real if you believe he's real that's good enough for me
00:35:38but my dad wants proof what makes you think i can help
00:35:42uh steven he can't help himself have he met the other two professor hannah fry but not foxy
00:35:59he's a hard man to find you don't know where he is i haven't seen foxy since this photograph was
00:36:06taken so hannah what did you two discuss oh just macroscopic quantum tunneling it's how far the
00:36:14christmas gets down the chimneys anything else she touched on the um the allen allen cube the
00:36:22the allen cube the al cubier drive yes the one and did it make sense well i'd be lying if i said it
00:36:31all went in oh but then i'm only predicted a great three and she says he maps it's not that
00:36:38complicated let's get that three up to a four rather than making father christmas travel to
00:36:44every household the trick is to make every household travel to him what is she doing
00:36:50who keeps a rug in the blue of her car now imagine that this rug represents space and time but all
00:36:59smooshed together and it's running from one end of a room all the way to the other would you like to
00:37:07step inside the room ah classic she wants to roll up a body and dump it in the canal now conventionally
00:37:13it will take a number of steps to get from one end to the other but imagine if we could squish up
00:37:18or concertina space and time in front of you like this okay good false alarm teachers gotta teach
00:37:33so now you can step from one edge of the room to the other in a single step
00:37:38and if i elongate space and time behind you like this
00:37:49you've miraculously got from one end to the other wow that actually makes sense thank you
00:37:58well you can relax he doesn't know anything in fact i'm not even sure he knows that good
00:38:12but we have to be careful the belief is strong with this one
00:38:27albacore al cubier drive that's sort of like a magic carpet thing no the the carpet was just a
00:38:33teacher aid i don't know it may take my seat i guess
00:38:42oh pizza oh wait a minute yeah when did you order pizza well no i didn't so what are you doing
00:39:00what's the point of having all this security if you're just going to open the door to anyone with
00:39:05a pizza well i like pizza and i also haven't eaten since breakfast so why
00:39:10that's weird he's opened up the pizza box but there isn't any pizza in it there's just words
00:39:18what do you mean what words it says i am here on behalf of jason foxy fock
00:39:26why not why not sorry sorry my bad
00:39:51he's telling me we don't have long but you can talk to foxy
00:40:00through me are you psychic no i have a microphone and a camera foxy can see us and hear us hello chris
00:40:10hello holly it's foxy here i'm really sorry about the tight security but i can't take no chances can't
00:40:16take no chances they can't know where i am who's they father christmas and his organization
00:40:22shall we feel yeah mate as real as i am standing right here what do they want get that photograph
00:40:29out
00:40:38that was taken at a channel four christmas party i thought it was going to be well boring stuck with
00:40:42them lot all night but it turns out we had a lot in common like ideas about father christmas and how
00:40:48it is he can do what he does you know theoretically we really got into it and was going to organize a
00:40:54convention and everything and call it the science of christmas and use it to get children interested
00:41:00in the subject from a young age inspire future generations we had publishers interested and
00:41:05television people there was even talk of a podcast what happened father christmas he shut us down i'm not
00:41:12saying he did it personally but he was definitely involved what i think did you have active camouflage
00:41:18it's what the big man uses to make himself invisible his red jumpsuit is actually just an
00:41:23image of a red jumpsuit projected onto a flexible wearable oled screen hidden cameras constantly film
00:41:30what is around him and then project that on the screen on the opposite side it's like he's wrapped
00:41:35in a live feed of his immediate environment it's the same technology james bond used to make his car
00:41:40invisible in die another day i didn't see it exactly sorry that's all i have time for i've got to take
00:41:49a cake out of the oven wait how do i find father christmas you don't soldier that's what i've been
00:41:58trying to tell you steer clear you don't want to get mixed up in this you don't want to get mixed up in this
00:42:10that period of time has ended in the lake
00:42:25that period of time has ended up in this you don't want to get mixed up in this you don't want to get
00:42:37it
00:42:54is georgina miss bailey how do i look like a gear and headlights come in
00:43:07is
00:43:20to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:23Fill the meat up, drain the barrel, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:28Trill the ancient Christmas chow, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:34Follow me in merry measure, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:39Burst away the old year passes, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:45Hail the lonely lads and lasses, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:50Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:52Burst away the old year passes, fa-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:59La.
00:44:20I can explain.
00:44:21My letter to Father Christmas that I posted.
00:44:23I know.
00:44:24You know that it's a criminal offence to interfere with an envelope that is stamped and addressed?
00:44:29I rescued it.
00:44:30For what?
00:44:31Do you know what happens to letters addressed to Father Christmas?
00:44:34Well, I know what's supposed to happen.
00:44:36They get sent to Father Christmas so we know what presents to get.
00:44:40They get shredded.
00:44:42All of them.
00:44:43They're put into a big machine that cuts them up into long thin strips, which are dumped
00:44:49into big red bins and then stuck on the back of an old blue lorry and taken to God knows
00:44:53where.
00:44:54So you don't know where?
00:44:55I know it's not the North Pole.
00:44:56How do you know?
00:44:57Because I do.
00:44:58You don't.
00:44:59You don't know.
00:45:00You just don't want to believe.
00:45:01You always think that everything is destined to end in disaster.
00:45:15Hi, this is Georgina.
00:45:16I can't come to the phone right now so please leave a message.
00:45:22Hey, Georgina.
00:45:23It's Nick here.
00:45:24Nick.
00:45:25Massie.
00:45:26From the house opposite.
00:45:27Well, it's...
00:45:28It's...
00:45:29It's...
00:45:30It's...
00:45:31It's...
00:45:32It's...
00:45:33It's...
00:45:34It's...
00:45:35It's...
00:45:36It's...
00:45:37It's...
00:45:38It's...
00:45:39It's...
00:45:40It's...
00:45:41It's...
00:45:42It's...
00:45:43It's...
00:45:44It's...
00:45:45It's not really opposite, is it?
00:45:46It's more sort of...
00:45:47I'd say...
00:45:4810 o'clock?
00:45:49Um...
00:45:50It's definitely across the street.
00:45:51It...
00:45:52It doesn't matter.
00:45:53Um...
00:45:54I'm just...
00:45:55Returning your call basically.
00:45:56Um...
00:45:57From...
00:45:58April.
00:45:59I think it was.
00:46:00Um...
00:46:01Just to say...
00:46:02That...
00:46:03Yes.
00:46:04I'd really like to go for that drink.
00:46:06Um...
00:46:07If the offer still stands.
00:46:09And...
00:46:10That I'm...
00:46:11Free tonight.
00:46:12If that's not too rash.
00:46:14Nailed it.
00:46:15So letters to Father Christmas are shredded, put on that blue lorry and then taken where?
00:46:25That's the reason we're following the blue lorry.
00:46:27Hiya...
00:46:28Um...
00:46:29Yeah...
00:46:30Tonight...
00:46:31Sounds great.
00:46:32Um...
00:46:33Um...
00:46:34I think I can get to you for about...
00:46:36Uh...
00:46:37Eight o'clock.
00:46:38So...
00:46:39Yeah...
00:46:40I guess I'll...
00:46:41See you then.
00:46:42Bye.
00:46:43Still got it.
00:46:44Haaa...
00:46:45Haaa...
00:46:46Haaa...
00:46:47Haaa...
00:46:48Haaa...
00:46:49Haaa...
00:46:50Haaa...
00:46:51Haaa...
00:46:52Haaa...
00:46:53Haaa...
00:46:54Haaa...
00:46:55Haaa...
00:46:56Yaaa...
00:46:57Hmm.
00:46:59Mmm.
00:47:00Still got it.
00:47:01Haaa...
00:47:20Oh.
00:47:21Krish.
00:47:22Before I forget.
00:47:24there you go you got me a new sim card no that's just the one i swallowed
00:47:33you wait here where are you going i have an idea
00:47:44not not hey can i help you i don't know can you well not unless you tell me what it needs you want
00:47:53no i'm uh i'm here to see father christmas oh yeah got an appointment do i need one
00:48:09does this look like the north pole to you hmm i don't know i've i've never been yeah well
00:48:15it's not it's milton keynes now clear off fair enough yep
00:48:23thank you
00:48:30okay well yep he's definitely left father christmas how do you know woman's institution chris
00:48:44what now
00:48:45plan b
00:48:52problem
00:48:52no sir no problem
00:49:03What the fuck?
00:49:05Are you sure that she's going to work?
00:49:34I don't look anything like a security guard.
00:49:37Yeah, because you haven't put the hat on yet.
00:49:46I know you think you've done this before, but I suppose the question is, how many times?
00:49:52I really don't know. It's not like I can count. Like, less than a hundred more than once.
00:49:57You mean twice?
00:49:58Well, you know what they say, but I'm lucky.
00:50:00The first two times failed.
00:50:03Guys, now is really not the time for second thoughts, okay?
00:50:06Do you want to find out if Father Christmas is real or not?
00:50:08Well, yeah, but...
00:50:09Good, because there is a very small chance that he is on the other side of that wall.
00:50:13A very small chance? You'd say definitely.
00:50:16Definitely a very small chance.
00:50:18Now, you just remember what I told you, yeah? Tuck and roll.
00:50:21You didn't tell me that.
00:50:23Well, I'm telling you now! Tuck and roll!
00:50:26Okay! Okay! Tuck and roll!
00:50:28Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:50:31Cave for the minnows!
00:50:38Tuck and roll!
00:50:39I got it! I got it!
00:51:00Chris?
00:51:05It works!
00:51:09Stay right where you are!
00:51:29Oh, I'm so sorry, mate. I didn't realise you were one of us.
00:51:34Oh, yeah. You know, I am. Definitely.
00:51:37Hang on.
00:51:42I don't recognise you.
00:51:46Well, you must be new.
00:51:49That's right. Yeah, yeah, I am. I just, um, just trying to try again.
00:51:55Well, then how come you have a different uniform?
00:52:00Well, it must be from a different branch. Go on, then.
00:52:02Let's have a cup of tea.
00:52:04I'll introduce you to the crazy gang.
00:52:05Oh, no.
00:52:06I'll call Nicholas. I'll call Nicholas. I tried to talk him out of it. I swear. I really did. I really...
00:52:10Are you all right?
00:52:11Are you all right? Hi.
00:52:12But he just, he wouldn't listen. He wouldn't listen.
00:52:13Holly, he said, that is very mature and incredibly level-headed advice. But I will, but I will fundamentally ignore it.
00:52:14Holly, Holly, slow down. What are you talking about? Where is Chris?
00:52:15Oh, no.
00:52:16I'll call Nicholas. I'll call Nicholas. I tried to talk him out of it. I swear. I really did. I really...
00:52:26Are you all right? Hi.
00:52:27But he just, he wouldn't listen. He wouldn't listen. Holly, he said. That is very mature and incredibly level-headed advice. But I will, but I will fundamentally ignore it.
00:52:36Holly, Holly, slow down. What are you talking about? Where is Chris?
00:52:42No one canes? I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm out of ideas. I mean, he's 16 years old and he still believes in Father Christmas.
00:52:55I think that's good. I don't. I think it's sad and pathetic. He's becoming more and more like his dad each day.
00:53:02At least he believes in something. A lot of people don't. I mean, I don't know. I'm not his parent. You are. But I am his teacher.
00:53:11What I see is a boy who's bright and curious and tenacious and who shows initiative. Those are all good qualities.
00:53:24Thank you. And thanks for coming tonight. This wasn't really what I had in mind for our first date.
00:53:35Listen up, everyone. This is Chris. You just transferred in. All right, Chris. Hiya.
00:53:40Chris, this is Danny. Where were you before?
00:53:43Swindon.
00:53:45That's Frank. I didn't know we had an office in Swindon.
00:53:49They wouldn't tell us if they did.
00:53:51You got that right. Angela. Hiya.
00:53:54Come on then. I'll show you around the kitchen.
00:53:57So that's Robbo, Big Jen and Teabag.
00:54:00Cup of tea, Chris.
00:54:01No, no, no. No children. I need a girlfriend first.
00:54:22Oh, sorry, Chris.
00:54:23Go ahead. This is Good Talk. Over.
00:54:27Yeah. You haven't seen anyone you're not supposed to on your rounds, have you?
00:54:31Over.
00:54:32No. What kind? Over.
00:54:34I've got a gentleman here. This is a lad Trump leaned over the back wall earlier on tonight.
00:54:38Over.
00:54:39No. Sorry.
00:54:42Hang on a minute.
00:54:46Chris?
00:54:47Yeah.
00:54:48You were around the back earlier.
00:54:51See anything that looked like a young lad?
00:54:54No, no. Not back from Finkel.
00:54:57Sorry, mate. Can't help you. Over and out.
00:55:02It's the toilet.
00:55:03Oh, it's just out there second on the left.
00:55:09Good kid. Settling in very nicely.
00:55:17Where is he?
00:55:25Where is he?
00:55:30Oh, it's gone.
00:55:33Dude.
00:55:35Dude.
00:55:36Dude.
00:55:38Oh, I'm hungry.
00:55:40Yeah.
00:55:42You've got here.
00:55:46Wait.
00:55:47Oh, it's good man.
00:55:51Dude.
00:55:52Well.
00:55:54Guys, we are hungry.
00:55:55Oh.
00:55:56The world invenими space planeta.
00:56:57Oh.
00:57:04Oh.
00:57:34Oh.
00:57:35Oh.
00:57:36Oh.
00:57:37Oh.
00:57:38Oh, oh.
00:57:39Oh.
00:57:40Oh.
00:57:41Oh.
00:57:42Oh.
00:57:43Oh.
00:57:44Right, what do you want to say?
00:57:46Sorry.
00:57:47Remember, you have to be specific if you want to sound sincere.
00:57:52I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.
00:57:55Speak on!
00:57:56I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.
00:57:59I didn't mean to scare you or put you in danger.
00:58:02It won't happen again.
00:58:04I promise.
00:58:14Right, off you go.
00:58:25Poor old Ruprecht.
00:58:27His heart's in the right place.
00:58:29And the truth is, well, I couldn't do without him.
00:58:32He takes care of that part of the business,
00:58:33and that leaves me free to do the things that I need to do.
00:58:36Which is a random-ed way of saying,
00:58:38I have no idea who you are, why you're here,
00:58:41why you didn't just write a letter like everyone else.
00:58:44I did.
00:58:45And I'm Chris, by the way.
00:58:48Right.
00:58:49Do you have the letter on you?
00:58:50Yes, I do.
00:58:52Here.
00:58:54Oh.
00:58:57Right.
00:58:58Let me guess.
00:59:00Wireless headphones.
00:59:02A hoodie.
00:59:03A black Namdo's card.
00:59:11All you want for Christmas is for your dad to believe in Father Christmas.
00:59:16He doesn't think to exist.
00:59:17Tell me, Chris, it is Chris, isn't it?
00:59:22Have you, uh, have you ever seen a magic trick?
00:59:36Were you amazed?
00:59:37I was.
00:59:39I was.
00:59:44And what do you think would have happened if the magician had explained the trick to you first?
00:59:49It wouldn't feel like magic.
00:59:50Well, that's the approach we like to take here.
00:59:56Truth is, it helps to have people like your dad out there, the skeptics, the non-believers.
01:00:02Makes it more special for the children and those that do believe.
01:00:05And that's the most important thing, wouldn't you agree?
01:00:08Unfortunately, it's getting harder and harder to amaze people.
01:00:13A hundred years ago, the science I had, it was a thousand years ahead of anyone.
01:00:18A decade ago, only a century, and now it's getting closer.
01:00:22The gap is closing fast.
01:00:25The inexorable march of progress.
01:00:27Those people in the photograph, I'm sure they had good intentions,
01:00:32but they were getting dangerously close to the truth.
01:00:35And that would have ruined Christmas for an awful lot of people.
01:00:38We would have had to step in.
01:00:41Now, I understand that you want to prove to your dad that I'm real and that you are right,
01:00:49but I need to ask you a favor.
01:00:55I need you to keep all of this a secret.
01:00:59You know, to preserve the magic for at least one more generation.
01:01:06Do you think you could do that for me?
01:01:08Well, I can't really say no to Father Christmas, can I?
01:01:18Well, what can I get you instead?
01:01:22How about an air fryer?
01:01:23I've had a run on those.
01:01:24No.
01:01:29I know what I want.
01:01:31Oh.
01:01:45Oh.
01:01:46With your science teacher?
01:01:48No, I don't...
01:01:48No, not for me.
01:01:50Oh.
01:01:59Well.
01:01:59It's a little outside my remit, but I'll see what I can do.
01:02:07No, no.
01:02:20No, no, no.
01:02:22I just want to know.
01:02:23You do know that this is not about Father Christmas, don't you?
01:02:53For either of you.
01:03:00You know, I wouldn't say this out loud, but I was really proud of the way you kept going
01:03:27back there. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you showed real determination.
01:03:39She loved Christmas. Not as much as you, obviously. But it was definitely her favourite time of
01:03:57year. You know, I think part of the reason why you wanted to still believe in Father Christmas
01:04:06was because of that. Because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated, it's as if to believe
01:04:19in Father Christmas was to keep the memory of her alive. But you'll never forget her. She'll
01:04:27always be here. And we'll still have a great Christmas, won't we?
01:04:33Yeah.
01:04:34We'll open presents and pull crackers, put up decorations, cook a goose, pretend we like
01:04:41Christmas pudding. The works.
01:04:43Thanks, Dad.
01:04:44Thanks, Dad.
01:04:45I love you, son.
01:04:46Dad.
01:04:47Hmm?
01:04:48I also think that part of the reason that you didn't want me to believe in Father Christmas
01:05:00was because of Mum as well.
01:05:04almost as if, I don't know, because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated that if
01:05:15I still believed in Father Christmas, then it would just be too hard for you to move on
01:05:23for the rest of your life. But you can. You're not going to forget her.
01:05:33That's an interesting Paul.
01:05:34Yeah.
01:05:38Come in mate. Come on Daddy.
01:05:55Oh, my God.
01:06:25Oh, my God.
01:06:55How on earth did you get up there?
01:07:08I don't know.
01:07:10It's a Christmas miracle.
01:07:12Yeah, well, as long as it wasn't that trampoline again.
01:07:15Anyway, come on.
01:07:15That goose isn't going to cook itself.
01:07:17Come on.
01:07:33Merry Christmas.
01:07:37And we'll get to see if some of that Merry Christmas magic reaches the Bake Off tent,
01:08:04as David Mitchell and Olivia Colman join some of their Peep Show co-stars for the great Christmas Bake Off tomorrow, Christmas Day at 8.
01:08:11And talking of Bake Off, Alison Hammond and the megastar Rick Astley join Adam, Josh and Alex for the last leg of Christmas.
01:08:17That's tonight, September.
01:08:19That's right after our Cats Countdown Christmas special, Claws Out, next.
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