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Shoresy Season 5 Episode 1 The Great One
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FunTranscript
00:00I'll put you in the jalousy, don't gotta hurry in the middle of
00:08What you got on me, don't gotta worry when tomorrow comes
00:15I'll put you in the jalousy, don't gotta hurry no
00:22Cause we say you're in control in the middle of
00:30What you got on me, don't gotta worry when tomorrow comes
00:34I'll put you in the jalousy, don't gotta hurry do the middle of
00:42What you got on me, don't gotta hurry when tomorrow comes
00:47I'll put you in the jalousy, don't gotta hurry do the middle of
00:54What you got on me, don't gotta hurry when tomorrow comes
01:02I'll put you in the jalousy, don't gotta hurry no
01:09Cause we say you're in control in the middle of
01:13What you said you're in the jalousy, don't gotta hurry when tomorrow comes
01:21You think this was my idea?
01:34No, there's nothing I can do
01:36No, don't shoot the messenger, man
01:38I just told you, there's nothing we can do, it's done
01:42You were serious about that tracksuit, eh?
01:46Stop yelling, bro! Shut the fuck up, Sanguinette
01:50Is that Sanguinette?
01:53No, on Solo
01:54Where is he?
01:55The Millennium Falcon
01:56What?
01:57At home
01:58Why is Sanguinette at home?
02:00He's not coming
02:01Zeke smells like a chicken coop, but he'll get used to it just like everybody else
02:04Fuck you, Shorezy
02:05Don't worry, Zeke, new smells just mean you're becoming a woman
02:07Fuck you, Shorezy
02:08Why isn't Sanguinette here?
02:10Because the no-show folded
02:11Huh?
02:17The no-show folded
02:18The entire league folded?
02:20There were only five teams, we've been hanging on by a thread for a while
02:23Can't hear away from a full-on collapse
02:24The Sioux Hunt folded
02:27They're the only ones that didn't, leaving them and us
02:29What about Timmins?
02:30Not enough players
02:30In North Bay?
02:31Not enough ice
02:32And the other Sioux?
02:33Bankrupt
02:33And there's nothing you can do?
02:35You would have done it
02:36I'm sorry, Shorezy, I tried
02:39Look, there was a lot of build-up to get you to coach
02:43We can figure something out
02:45Don't be a liar
02:45The transition of life after hockey is tough
02:47We'll continue to be here
02:48Don't be a pussy
02:49Then stop standing there like you had a miscarriage, bitch
02:51Could you not fuckin' beat it today?
02:53Oh, buck up and go get your dick sucked
02:55Just get some fuckin' crumbled-up treats and a baggie in your desk
02:58No one's more disappointed than I am, Shorezy
03:00I grew up in this league, I'm devastated it's gone
03:03It's not that
03:04Senior hockey's not dead, far from it
03:06It's not that either
03:07Then what is it, slut?
03:07You pooped yourself?
03:09He's probably sad he won't get to wear that tracksuit again
03:11Oh my god, he is!
03:15It's iconic!
03:15What?
03:16This blue, it's iconic!
03:18It's a Care Bear color
03:19Don't you think I look like a celebrity?
03:20You don't look like a celebrity
03:22Huh?
03:22He looks like Gay Run DMC
03:23Well, not like a celebrity, but like a personality?
03:26You look like a fuckin' popsicle
03:27Bro, more baby blue?
03:28I think this is more of a Robin's Egg blue
03:31It's a hibiscus blue
03:32It's an Easter color
03:33You're a fashion guy now, eh?
03:34I read in Men's Health that your clothes are supposed to make you feel good
03:37So?
03:38So I never thought of that before!
03:40Ten seconds out of hockey and he's Coco Chanel
03:42He's Lady Gaga
03:42He's Zendaya
03:43Nick Archambault
03:49The no-show's folding?
03:50Yeah, you gonna say sorry to hear?
03:52Come to Toronto
03:53No then, eh?
03:54Toronto, now
03:55Why?
03:56We're gonna make you an offer you can't refuse
03:58Have a go?
03:59New panel, new personalities
04:00Refused
04:01Stay with us
04:02Hey, Shorzy
04:03Good to see you again
04:04Hey, Mike
04:05Try that Malaysian spot I was telling you about
04:07Yeah, the satay was unreal
04:09Hey, try the beef rendang
04:10One topic
04:11One time thing
04:12Where the game was
04:13Where the game is
04:14Where the game's going
04:14That's three topics
04:15All boring
04:16Welcome back, Shorzy
04:17Hey, Aaron
04:18You still got your kid in dance?
04:20She's the worst one there
04:21I told you
04:21Put her in hockey
04:22You paying for it?
04:24Your old teammates have missed you
04:25How do you remember everyone's name?
04:27I'm so bad at it
04:28Here's the trick
04:29Get good at it
04:29That's the ticket, eh?
04:30That's how you build a winning culture
04:32Mike, what is that shirt?
04:34Birthday present from my girlfriend
04:35Put it in the garbage
04:36Fuck you, Shorzy
04:37Come on, Shorzy
04:39It's clear you had some fun around here
04:40One more for old times' sake
04:42Well, then make me an offer I actually can't refuse
04:44Gretzky
04:47Wayne Gretzky
04:52Wayne Gretzky
04:59Are we just saying words
05:00Or am I going to get some actual information?
05:02You're going on TV here today with Wayne Gretzky
05:04Are you going to sneeze?
05:08I think a buck flew in his mouth
05:10Just give me a second
05:10Are you crying?
05:12Just give me a second
05:13Is he crying?
05:14Are you crying?
05:16He's crying
05:17Can I go sit in someone's car for a minute?
05:19Why are you crying?
05:20My whole life just flashed before my eyes
05:22It's emotional
05:23What are you talking about?
05:24All those years I was sure I was going to be a fucking loser
05:26You're not out of the weeds yet
05:27I wish I could go back and tell that kid he's going on TV with Wayne Gretzky
05:31The great one himself
05:32I wish I could go back and tell that kid everything's going to be alright
05:3499 arrives in one hour
05:36Oh, fuck
05:37Just give me a fucking Kleenex
05:39Use your tampon
05:41Oh, shut the fuck up, Mike, you titfucker
05:43Dad
05:45Hey, how are you now?
05:46What are you doing?
05:46I'm at a...
05:47Actually, it doesn't matter
05:48I'm going on TV with Wayne Gretzky
05:51What?
05:52Yeah, I'm going on TV with Wayne Gretzky
05:54What are you talking about?
05:56Where are you?
05:56I'm in Toronto
05:57I'm at Bro Dude
05:58And Wayne Gretzky is on his way here
06:00We're going on TV
06:01Together?
06:01Yes, just the greatest hockey player of this generation
06:04Or any other
06:04And me
06:05Shorzy
06:05I know
06:06Shorzy, in all these years
06:08You were pretty sure you were going to be a fucking loser
06:11I know
06:11It's crazy
06:13It's crazy
06:15I'm so proud of you
06:16Does your brother know?
06:18No, I'm going to call him next
06:19You better call him
06:20Yeah, I'm going to give him a call
06:21Well, give him a call
06:22Well, Dad, I've got to get ready for the fucking great one
06:24Give him a call
06:25Then call me back
06:26Yeah, I'll give you a call
06:27Love you
06:27Yep, love you, bye
06:28Yo
06:34Hey, mole
06:35What's up? I'm working
06:37Remember all those years
06:38You were pretty sure I was going to be a fucking loser?
06:41A loser? Dead, yeah
06:42What are you doing right now?
06:44Baking some 10 bits
06:45Then I'm on the drive-thru window
06:46Till end of shift
06:46Why?
06:47I'm about to go on TV with Wayne Gretzky
06:49What?
06:51Yeah, who's the loser now, bitch?
06:53Are you kidding?
06:54Don't shoot the messenger
06:55Do you know how many times I've said that today?
06:57I'm sorry, Nat
06:58Ice is harder and harder to come by
06:59We've got too many players
07:01Too many teams
07:01Kids and sports
07:02Stay off the streets
07:03If the Bulldogs are folding
07:04We have to give your weekly ice times to someone else
07:07What a pun to the cunt
07:08And once the ice is gone
07:09It's going to be really hard to get back
07:11Just like that
07:11There's no grace period?
07:13To what?
07:13To get our shit together
07:14The body's so fucking warm, woman
07:15Zeke
07:16What?
07:17This is our barn
07:18Our banners in the rafters
07:19Our name on the marquee
07:20Bulldog hockey, baby
07:21Don't shoot the messenger
07:22We can take the dog out of the fight
07:23We just won the country here
07:25How long do we have?
07:28I'm worried the dog will bite
07:29I'm sorry
07:30I'm just
07:30A bit pent up
07:32Needs to get laid
07:34How long?
07:36The basketball team needs the Bulldogs dressing room ASAP
07:38What?
07:39Calm down
07:40The basketball team also needs this office
07:42What?
07:44Want to talk about that Sudbury church league
07:45That got banned from their rink?
07:47Those guys play like psychos
07:48Anique?
07:49Don't smile like that
07:57Can't help it
07:58You'll freak him out
07:58I can't help it
07:59I know, I'm excited too
08:01Say something so I can check your levels
08:03I was sure I was going to be a fucking loser
08:05Me too
08:05You're good
08:06Thanks, Erin
08:07Your one eyelid droops a little bit though, eh?
08:08I don't fucking care
08:09I'm going on TV with Wayne
08:10Gretzky
08:11What?
08:14Wayne Gretzky
08:15Are we just saying words again?
08:18Or am I going to get some actual information?
08:19He's not coming
08:19He's not coming
08:19He cancelled
08:22For what?
08:25Because he's a fucking asshole
08:26Em
08:27No
08:28He's a fucking asshole
08:29He said he'd be here
08:30He said he'd do this
08:31So where is he?
08:32Not here, not doing this
08:33I told my bosses
08:34I got Wayne Gretzky
08:36I told my husband
08:36I told my friends
08:37It's the first time
08:38My kids have thought I was cool
08:40Ever
08:41It's not his fault
08:42Aren't you angry?
08:44Disappointed?
08:45We brought you in all the way from Sudbury
08:47Told you you were going on TV with your hero
08:49Now it's off
08:50None of it's happening
08:51I think that warrants a little bit of irritability
08:53What do you think?
09:00I think
09:01Gretzky to Lemieux for the win
09:05Sorry?
09:09I think 50 goals in 39 games
09:11163 assists in a single season
09:14Are we just saying words?
09:15Or am I going to get some real information here?
09:17I think Wayne Gretzky even planning on coming here today
09:20Is still the greatest thing that's ever happened to me
09:22You're fucking with me, right?
09:24Like the guy's been carrying the sport of hockey on his back for 50 years
09:28Give him a break
09:28He's fucking with me
09:29Gotta think a sports icon, global celebrity and hockey god
09:33Is a pretty full card
09:34He's not fucking with you
09:35Wayne Gretzky has been a superstar since he was 10
09:38Scored 400 goals as a grade schooler
09:41And became a media sensation
09:42Look what other child stars are doing right now
09:45Lucky he doesn't have a needle in his arm
09:46Yeah, being called a great one since fourth grade
09:48Might have produced a slightly different reality for him than our own
09:51Now what's he been doing instead?
09:53Serving up legendary moments for our country on a regular basis
09:56While remaining quiet, humble and thankful
09:59The most Canadian things
10:00Four Canada Cups, a World Cup, an Olympic hockey gold
10:04He's an executive for the gold medal, not a player
10:06Not to mention four Stanley Cups in a Canadian city
10:09I haven't seen one of those up here in a few decades, have we?
10:11See a playoff game in Edmonton before you die, trust me
10:14That's a city with an identity
10:16The city of champions
10:17Because of 99
10:18Honorable mention to Messier, copy?
10:20Mike, oh my god
10:22Shut the fuck up, Mike
10:24Are you done, Shorzy?
10:25Not even close
10:25Sports bring this country together
10:28Think about all the times we packed the bars and then packed the streets
10:32Because Gretzky had a goal and three assists
10:34Gretzky to Lemieux
10:35Gretzky to Messier
10:36Gretzky with the hat trick
10:38Gretzky does it again
10:39You know, we're standing here with our dicks in our hand
10:41Because this guy doesn't show up
10:42And you're not even a little bit pissed off
10:44Why?
10:45Because the hockey world looks out for each other
10:47You think we're just saying it?
10:55What do you want to do with the segment?
10:58Shorzy's got all the answers
10:59I've never been more ready in my life
11:01Oh, come on
11:03They just found out the league is folding
11:04And that they won't be playing hockey this year
11:06Thank god the strip club's opening up
11:07And now you want us to tell them to go get their shit out too?
11:09Why prolong it?
11:10All on a Sudbury Saturday night
11:12Not that's cunty even by my standards
11:14I'll do it
11:15We got you
11:16I need a drink
11:17She needs a dink
11:18I said drink
11:19Although
11:21She'll figure something out
11:26Always does
11:27Go easy on her in the meantime
11:28I'm sorry
11:29This is her fucking wheelbarrow right now
11:32Really?
11:33You think NHL Twitter accounts are the biggest problem with today's game?
11:36You asked for an example so I gave you one
11:38Well in fairness Twitter may be the biggest problem with the world today
11:40And I didn't say it was the biggest problem
11:42I just said it was annoying
11:43Okay
11:44What's the biggest problem?
11:45And don't say the crackdown on fighting
11:47Crackdown on fighting?
11:48That's old news
11:49It's a crackdown on hitting
11:50On hitting?
11:51Yeah, next you won't be able to take slap shots
11:53You heard it here first
11:54And a big, big problem is diving
11:57How are they cracking down on hitting?
11:58Well, look at junior hockey in Canada today
12:01Actually, look at the World Junior Tournament
12:02Every hit is a penalty now
12:04It's a new strategy to get hitting out of the game
12:06Who's they?
12:07If you hit, you take a penalty
12:08If you take a penalty, you hurt your team
12:10You don't want to hurt your team
12:11So you don't hit
12:12You've got us playing the European game now
12:14Careful
12:15No, no, no, no, no
12:16There's lots of tough Euros
12:18Ron Wall
12:19There's lots of Euros that hit
12:20Chara
12:20It's just the European game was always about speed and finesse
12:24The North American game was about size and grit
12:27Traditionally, sure
12:28Like a massive part of the success of Canada and U.S. hockey
12:31And the international stage has been the hitting
12:33The physicality
12:35The guarantee that if you play us, we will hurt you
12:37Okay, take it easy
12:38With the new rule changes and the crackdown on hitting
12:41They got us playing the European game now
12:43And how do we stack up against the Europeans at the European game?
12:46Well, surprise, surprise
12:47They're better at it than we are
12:49But what do you expect?
12:50They took away our tools
12:51I see
12:51Keith Primo
12:52Keith Kachuk
12:54Billy Guerin
12:54Brendan Shanahan
12:56Darian Hatcher
12:57Scott Stevens
12:57Yes, Captain Crunch
12:59These guys are world-class hockey players
13:01And these guys will fuck you up
13:02Eric Lendross
13:03The new rules cut the nuts off players like that now
13:06And that's the biggest problem with hockey today
13:09The North American game is dying
13:13Anyone doing a dump run this weekend?
13:17Throw Mike's shirt in there
13:19Fuck you, Shorzy
13:20Shorzy
13:21Shorzy, I'm glad I caught you before you left
13:27Better say something
13:29Hey
13:31I'm so sorry
13:33I had some family stuff come up
13:34We had our seventh grandchild
13:36I really had planned on coming up there
13:38I hope that's all right
13:39Sir, you could close an elevator door repeatedly on my nuts
13:44And it'd be all right
13:45Honestly, I was really looking forward to working with you
13:48Me?
13:49You're not going to believe this
13:50But my sons and I
13:51We watched the Burberry Bulldogs
13:52In the National Senior Tournament
13:54You watched the Bulldogs?
13:56It was really good competitive hockey
13:57I really enjoyed the game
13:59You guys are going to give me something to watch again this year, right?
14:05You bet
14:05Hey, I heard what you said
14:07About the needle in the arm?
14:09Because I was just
14:10About the death of the North American game
14:13Sure, the style of play might be going
14:15But that style of player
14:16Ain't going anywhere
14:17You know, some guys
14:18You put a hockey stick in their hand
14:20And they become a completely different person
14:22They can't help it
14:22They're just born that way
14:24The Canadian game is not dead
14:26Oh, and Janet wanted me to tell you
14:29If you want a future in television
14:30You should think about a trip to Turkey
14:33I will
14:34See you later and good luck
14:36Shall I get you booked on Turkish air?
14:45See if they can do something about your face, too
14:47Mike, shut the fuck up!
15:06I can't survive
15:16I can't stay alive
15:19Without your love
15:22Oh, baby
15:23Don't leave me this way
15:26I can't exist
15:30I'll surely miss
15:33Your tender kiss
15:36Don't leave me this way
15:40Baby
15:42My heart is full of love
15:45I desire for you
15:47Now come on down and do
15:49What you gotta do
15:50You started this fire down in my soul
15:55Now can't you see it's burning
15:57Out of control
15:59The coast has fire
16:01That needed me
16:03Cause only your good lovin'
16:05Can set me free
16:07Don't you leave me this way
16:11Guys, this is my friend, Lloyd
16:13What's up, buddy?
16:14What's going on?
16:15He plays for the Sudbury 5
16:16Who?
16:17Basketball team
16:17Just wanted to say
16:19I'm sorry to hear about you guys folding
16:20We didn't fold
16:21You look devastated
16:22Pardon?
16:23Nothing
16:23And thanks for giving us your room
16:25We'll take good care of it
16:26We didn't give it to you
16:26I'm sorry, it's loud for you
16:28Can you say that again?
16:29I said we didn't give it to you, bud
16:30Did you say bye?
16:32He's making fun of you, Hitch
16:33Man, I don't
16:33You talk like an idiot
16:35How's what I call expect?
16:36We usually just make fun of you behind your back
16:38But Big Nuts here bringing it right to your door
16:40Again, thank you and sorry
16:42That Canadian contest, you win
16:43Where can I learn to pack as good as what you does?
16:46I don't know
16:46It doesn't matter how you talk
16:48You're still gonna look like an idiot
16:49Who's team you on, old man?
16:51No team
16:51We don't have a team
16:52That's why Big Nuts and his boys here get our room
16:55Have a good night, man
16:56Hey, how big are your feet?
16:58What?
16:58How big are they?
16:59Shut up, Jersey
17:00They'll never fill our shoes
17:01No
17:02Let's go
17:02You wouldn't take our room if we weren't playing?
17:04It's our rink, we takes what we want
17:06If it was your room, I'd walk up and ask
17:08Wouldn't you show up to the bar saying thanks, sorry?
17:11No respect
17:11Des earned
17:12What have you won?
17:14And hey, I left some championship pedigree for you
17:17In the toilet far right
17:18Yeah, whatever, bro
17:19Outstanding North American run by this team of European all-stars
17:26Known as simply the EU
17:29They're undefeated through seven contests
17:32Against NHL farm teams, no less
17:34With one game remaining against Edmonton
17:36I mean, I'm just gonna come right out and say it
17:38These guys are beating the crap out of every
17:42Good, got the right house
17:52What's your name?
17:54Sean
17:54Come on
18:12Don't tell me I'm wrong
18:18Cause I've been watching every move that you make
18:25Hearts you steal
18:29When you're made up in heels
18:33Trouble for the man that you take
18:36Every time you walk in the room
18:42What are you doing over here by yourself?
18:43Huh?
18:44You're like, you're over here by yourself like
18:45No, I'm not
18:46Yes, you are
18:47You're over here waiting for everybody else
18:48Oh, shut the fuck up, you idiot
18:49What's your problem?
18:51What?
18:51What?
18:52You
18:52Oh, I know that look
18:54What look?
18:55You're looking to scissor
18:56You do know that look?
18:57Yep, you're looking to scissor
18:58This is our bar stool right now
19:00Oh, it's crazy
19:01See
19:04What are you going to do?
19:11I just told you
19:11This is our fucking hole tree right now
19:13No
19:13Like without hockey
19:16I don't know
19:20No way
19:24Oh, if this is it
19:32You better dance
19:33No
19:34Yep, you better dance
19:35I'm going to ruin my odds with one of these brags
19:37Oh, your face is going to do that
19:39Come on, we're dancing, let's go
19:41No, we're not dancing
19:42Come on, we're going to dance
19:43Get up
19:44My crotch goes nowhere near your crotch
19:46Well, then fucking jump on my back
19:47No
19:48Come on, get your fucking gear down
19:49Get on my back
19:50Oh, it's crazy
19:52Analysis on the EU all-star team's reign of terror
20:14Against pro-North American squads
20:17We'll bring in TSN's director of scouting, Craig Button
20:19But first
20:19We take you to this juicy post-game statement
20:22From EU coach
20:24Tempo Maki
20:25We are all aware of the narrative here surrounding European hockey players
20:30Too soft, no grit, too pretty
20:33Maybe at one point, sure
20:35But North American players are not at the level they once were
20:39Our record here proves that players here are overvalued
20:44Those are strong words, Peppo
20:46That's what you're going with?
20:47Overvalued?
20:50Overrated
20:50We're now joined by Craig Button
20:53Craig, what do we even say about this?
20:56Thank God it's almost over
20:57Thank God it's almost over
20:59Heyo, this is so
21:00Jay, there's a brand of hockey we used to play over here
21:03That's gone by the wayside for one reason or another
21:05The Dion Phanus and the Jordan Tutus used to give you two options
21:09Run your head through the end boards
21:11Or take it off in the middle of the open ice
21:13Yes, very true
21:14For whatever reason, that brand of hockey has fallen by the wayside
21:18What do you have, Buzz?
21:19Well, guess what?
21:19This team of European All-Stars picked it up again
21:22And frankly, they're playing it better than we ever played it over here
21:25I really can't believe what I'm watching
21:28I mean, the average height of this team is 6'5
21:30You're 6'5
21:32Yes, 6'5
21:33That is the average height of this team
21:35They're unstoppable
21:36Unbeaten through seven games with one to go
21:39This was nothing short of embarrassing
21:41There's been no answer to the EU's physicality
21:43No response to this bullying
21:45This was just a real drubbing if I've ever seen it
21:48That's a great word, drubbing
21:49It's appropriate
21:50Okay, let's play a quick game
21:51Words I'd use to describe the EU's North American swing against Canada and the US's finest players not in the NHL
21:59A thumping
22:00Thrashing
22:01A walloping
22:02Merciless beating
22:04Shellacking
22:05Jay, I can't go on any further without drifting into all kinds of professions
22:08I'll remind you, this is a family-friendly program, Craig Button
22:11This is a family-friendly program, people!
22:15All joking aside, this EU team is too big
22:18They're too fast
22:20They're unbeatable
22:21Unbeatable, eh?
22:22Verified
22:23Validated
22:24Confirmed
22:25Validated
22:26Validated
22:27Validated
22:28Validated
22:29Validated
22:30Validated
22:31Validated
22:32Validated
22:33Validated
22:34Validated
22:35Validated
22:36Validated
22:37Validated
22:38Validated
22:39Validated
22:40Validated
22:41Validated
22:42Validated
22:43Validated
22:44Validated
22:45Validated
22:46Validated
22:47Validated
22:48Validated
22:49Validated
22:50Validated
22:51Validated
22:52Validated
22:53Validated
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