- 21 minutes ago
S01E00 Christmas Special 2025
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FunTranscript
00:00Bailey's order a curry and wants me some die-hard oh Mal how depressing at least
00:04you have company now I don't want company
00:13you having a good cream bar Felicity not really I was supposed to be in South
00:17Africa but Amanda guilt tripped me into visiting my sister what's wrong with
00:22your sister she's a nightmare it's just all laughter and games and then just
00:27bloody cheese boards she's completely over the top
00:31she asks us every year we never go it's getting rude and I would love the kiddos
00:37to have a traditional Cotswoldian no well and well they're still enchanted by the
00:41magic of Christmas but does she have a ps5 no she doesn't have a ps5 my nurse I
00:46don't even think she has the internet oh no way I should take it a little
00:54Christmas present for her Amanda it's a disaster I've been at the airport now
00:59for about 14 hours and they finally just cancelled our flight to Dublin oh what a
01:05shame well look thanks for keeping me posted Chris and the kids went to head to Cork
01:10I was supposed to join yesterday but because of the storm I'm completely
01:13stranded and everybody who I know and love is hundreds of miles away Chris
01:17Darius Darius Pat Roisin Pat her husband Pat their kids young Pat and Patricia and
01:25Edgar and Barry and Pat yeah you know he throws on our way actually no no no no oh my god I miss you all so much
01:39we're here Christmas has officially started kids off your bones now please eat your heart out
01:56downtown Abbey well hardly it's only 11 acres and a ha-ha why is that funny no a ha-ha it's like a giant
02:03ditch you should know what a ha-ha is you're a gardener oh yeah I've seen loads of ha-ha's in ha-ha's
02:09oh look she's put the reindeer out for the kids oh mommy do you remember when Bomber the Shetland
02:18tried to mount one god that was funny this is why I don't go to therapy some memories are best repressed
02:26guys guys guys guys right give me those that just gave us that if you learn nothing from
02:45adolescence and and this is my Christmas happy place so please don't be a Debbie Downer okay
02:50everyone here we go ding dong merrily oh my god I'm so sorry about all the glass you caught me mid giblets
03:01oh goodness no not the coach very good oh I'm so sorry to spring this on you it's been a bit of a
03:06disaster is it cool if my mum friend Anne joins us so yes oh Anne of course you look like you need a
03:14stiff drink thank you but um but no if I if I can't be with my family then what's the point oh dear girl
03:19come in come in come in I don't believe it I know I won't touch you don't touch them we'll hang in a
03:35moment yes come in yes don't touch don't touch it yes they're gorgeous all right thank you
03:41man that's great thanks so much you didn't tell me you're bringing a lover
03:44yeah I was just gonna use your loo if I may before I nip off I've got a date with John McLean
03:58no fantastic you're a homosexual it's a die-hard reference I was gonna watch it with a curry
04:04oh god how ghastly you will stay for a pre-prandial come on what's pre-prandial it's a posh word for a
04:10drink yeah okay Pat can you put Chris back on yeah so I have an alert set up on my phone for
04:19when the the flights reopen and if you could just have everyone there checking the internet
04:23why should I put my coat back then keep it on this house is bloody freezing isn't it magical
04:30that's giving hardcore narnia vibes right I mean wow that's what I call a tree
04:39is it plastic oh my god she's still got that daddy bought that in the 70s probably the newest thing
04:50in this place how odd I distinctly remember the scent of pine needles no this house smells the way
04:57it's always smelled damp dogs desperation
05:00now I've been absolutely dying for you to arrive I've got everything here we've got some olives over
05:09there there's this trout pate we've got mini quiches prawn volvois and these pretty fun things from
05:16Marks and Spencer's mini burgers you've seen these oh oh oh oh no no no no no let's clean that one up won't we
05:25Joni where should I put the pavlova is that granny gush's recipe yes it is minus the powdered egg
05:33I thought it might be fun to recreate that famous pudding photo from that amazing Christmas
05:39yes yeah I've got it in the oven everybody dig in flick deviled egg have a deviled egg flick deviled egg
05:50fine I'll have a deviled egg now I think it's under here somewhere now where's that famous photo
05:58oh wow wow oh yes now look at that look at that it is look at gang gang what a horsey is that Yima
06:11yeah that was me pre-blossom just on the cusp of discovering clearacillin wonder bras
06:16oh my goodness look at that I'm wearing the same jumper oh no stop that's perfect I thought it'd be
06:24really fun to restage the photo with Manus and George so the Hemsworth brothers did one sitting
06:28on their mum's lap and it pretty much broke the internet I remember the Hemsworth brothers hmm
06:34Hemsworth brothers yes you you stepped out with one they had the tractor dealership in Ampney St Peter
06:39it was the Hemswood brothers Hemswood yeah I slept with all three of them oh well done you and the
06:46father mummy oh Charlie good now drink your food oh damn what's that what's in those ones oh is
06:56that you flick no one must see those yep yep yep yep yep what the this house is literally freezing
07:13my family be back for mass about now do you think Jesus will punish me for missing his birthday
07:20you know what you need eh slow gin very good for melancholia the night my father died I drank two
07:27bottles was right as rain in the morning I suppose I could have a small glass just to steady the nerves
07:32because um I don't think I've ever done a Christmas well my family no no no none of that now come on
07:38get that down your gullet yes got a kick to it that's the 1978 vintage the year you were born
07:47oh actually now what do the children want what can we get for them do you have any prime no no no no
07:53prime don't don't don't worry he'll have a coca-cola I've got a cola I've got a can of cola here
07:57yep there we go oh there we go lovely lovely oh come on oh I think that's seen better days Ludo can
08:08have that Ludo Ludo Ludo look what's here look what's here Jane oh your Christmas present
08:14yes oh my goodness no Joan it's the bath the but the Joan and I've swallowed it I'll have a bath later
08:35darling I'll have a bath later didn't I just gift you that yes I loved it so much that I went out and
08:43bought exactly the same one for Aunt Joan I need ice in my whiskey you'll find plenty in the toilet
08:49well now will you come in here and sit down please oh thank you um I was actually going to hit the
08:54road oh no no we're not having you spending a day alone you and Anne are our Christmas guests of
08:59honor so sit I've got a goose to go and get out of the oven I've never been anyone's Christmas guest
09:04of honor before this is the same one to Amanda that's this I went out about exactly the same
09:11one for Joan but that's good I don't know oh lovely come on oh those are the photos gang and doesn't
09:20I want anyone soon come on boys
09:27no tell them yes it's a larger box but it's actually the same value gift because I went by money spent
09:33not by value okay no devices please I have to go okay oh well don't sit there sorry because of the
09:43photos we need to match the old Pavlava pics so yeah mommy needs to sit there Joan's here mommy you're
09:48here no I need a clear line to an exit well okay well yeah well we can all move around for pudding
09:54can you get back in and come back out I want to film it for the memories just tuck in tuck in
10:04tuck in just me a sec yes it's gonna be so good and could you just lean out because the tear stains
10:09I just miss my family you know Anne yes goosey goosey and uh oh look at that well dig in we've got a
10:18side of beef Yorkshire's a ham and some little piggies and blankets mom just eat it it's Christmas
10:24hmm what I'm vegan oh shit are you it's fine I'll just eat the veg not just eat the veg not on my
10:34watch you won't I'll I'll I'll rustle up a uh a souffle oh do you see what I mean it's just too much
10:44she's just trying to make us all happy mommy and uh did you did you notice the stuff start in the
10:51hallway no no oh let me show you quickly I'm not that into stoats yes but um honestly I think
10:59you'll find this one very interesting yeah I don't know who told you that I was into stoats but
11:07actually this one is is quite unusual okay listen forget the stuff I just saw some pictures of
11:12Felicity I wasn't supposed to see and now I can't unsee what I saw god they weren't nudies were they
11:17no they're not nudies is anyone wearing a nazi uniform no there's no not just just look
11:23oh blimey O'Reilly is that is that Felicity and sir Mick Jagger yes it looks like they're on holiday
11:32together Jesus he was such a ride back then yeah it looks like he was riding Felicity
11:36OMG is is she pregnant yes and look it's holding her stomach and summer of 77
11:46Joan just said that Amanda was born in 78 you don't think sir Mick Jagger is
11:52no no no don't be ridiculous I've seen enough episodes of Ally McBeal to know this is all
11:59purely circumstantial evidence just because it goes clip-clap doesn't mean it's a zebra guys come
12:05come on we're about to eat here we go joke why didn't Santa pay for his sleigh why didn't Santa have to pay for his sleigh because it was on the house
12:27how do you titillate an ocelot I've no idea Joan how do you titillate an ocelot you oscillate its tits a lot
12:39not like she bloody wrote it go on flick your turn oh here we go
12:48well we put the hat on you'll need it for the pavlova photo no I don't do paper hats
12:53flick do the joke where's the joke I don't do jokes come on mommy it's Christmas come on flick flick flick flick flick flick flick
13:00do the joke do the joke do the joke do the joke come on what is the coldest country in the world
13:10I don't know what is the coldest country in the world Russia
13:18oh I think you're reading the trivia there Felicity
13:23oh mommy where are you going mommy we haven't done the photo i'm going to watch the king's speech
13:30oh is it that time oh i love the king's speech brilliant everyone fill a glass let's go and sit
13:37we could do the pavlo we're after flick flick don't wait for us wait for us
13:42victorious happy and glorious
13:57i have to say this is the most delicious cav i've ever drank darling i'm stuck car for it
14:18champagne real champagne yes from france yes i've never had french champagne from france
14:25i think john is lovely classic stockholm syndrome are you a big fan of the royal family felicity
14:38oh i've met a few of them miller's a laugh i've probably met a few members of the rock royal
14:43family in your time well i once lived next door but one to christoburg oh right pavlova time
14:51oh finally get the camera get the camera i don't want pavlova mommy you can't always get what you
14:57want um actually i can't think of food for a bit amanda i overdid it on the parsnips you don't have
15:03to eat it it's just a photo oh i know we'll have a parlor game while we all digest who'd like a round
15:09of are you there moriarty i don't know what that is well what about um how are he do you know the
15:15minister's cat do you know that no no no pass the slipper no fan the candle you must know hot cockles
15:21hot cockles god i don't know what else have we got elephants for god's sake why don't we just play
15:25hide and seek oh that's a terrific idea so much fun well done that girl i'll count 50 off you go
15:33and then after this we'll do the public right i'll start now come on one two i've started two i've
15:40started three anything to get away from her never hurry five six seven eight there
15:52i know chris but i don't know what you expect me to do about just i can't make a put on a shoe
15:59i'm 300 miles away look i really have to go
16:03bloody hell other people's christmases are mental when are we gonna tell her what absolutely never
16:13it's not our family secret so we're gonna forget we ever saw those photos but we did see those
16:18photos mal and i really think amanda deserves to know what do i deserve to know what the hell are
16:24you hiding yeah we're playing hide and seek what do i deserve to know ask mal oh thanks ann well
16:32someone tell me what's going on sure the photos
16:34are these pictures of my mum on holiday what's the big deal look who she's with
16:47is that mick checker mommy you minx sitting on mick's lap i sat on prince harry's lap when i was
16:55in mahiki once did i get a mention in the book oh my god she's pregnant that's hardly a secret keep
17:04looking she's smoking no no no no look at the date on the back of the folder okay look who's holding
17:13the bump no no no way no way is my father
17:22that's not a secret keep looking at the date on the back of the folder okay i'll be quite clear
17:29it's probably quite close
17:31oh god it's a snifter
17:33oh god it's a snifter
17:39It's probably quite glitz.
17:44Oh, God, it's a snifter.
18:05Oh, look.
18:06It's so weird, isn't it?
18:09When you look at us together, Mal, look.
18:11Mal, look.
18:13Mal.
18:14Can you open that door, please?
18:16I need some air.
18:17Is he insane?
18:18I mean, it's a shock, but it's also not a shock, you know?
18:21Because it explains a lot.
18:23I mean, I wonder if the man I thought was my father ever knew the truth.
18:27Poor Daddy.
18:29Well, this must be why my parents divorced.
18:33Maybe Joan told him that must be why we never see Joan.
18:38That sounds about right.
18:40Can you just pull my sleeve, please?
18:42I can't get some layers off.
18:45Shush, shush, shush, shush, come in.
18:48Oh.
18:51Where are you?
18:54Oh, there's a lot.
18:56Can't get under there.
19:05Ha-ha!
19:06Hoist by your own petard there, Anne, I think.
19:09Oh, my goodness.
19:11My system's not used to champagne.
19:12No.
19:13Come on.
19:14More's fine.
19:18I've got a present now.
19:20Yeah.
19:21I'll give you another little slifter.
19:23Oh, gotcha.
19:24Oh, please don't tell, Mum.
19:25I won't if you won't.
19:26Shush.
19:27Oh, upstairs.
19:28Oh, I'm on my way.
19:29Oh, I've f- I've fated, I've fated.
19:30Oh, ding dong.
19:31Christmas comes once a year.
19:32Do you know, I knew you'd do it.
19:33Oh, I've fated, I've fated.
19:34Oh, ding dong.
19:35Christmas comes once a year.
19:36Oh, I'm on my way.
19:37Oh, I'm on my way.
19:39I'm on my way.
19:40Oh, I'm on my way.
19:41Oh, I've fated, I've fated.
19:42Oh, ding dong.
19:43Christmas comes once a year.
19:44Do you know, I knew you'd do a lovebird.
19:45We not.
19:46He just drove us here.
19:47I thought they had to take some clothes off.
19:49Cat's had the bag, Joanie.
19:50I've seen the photos.
19:51Oh.
19:52Yeah.
19:53Spill the tea.
19:54Oh.
19:55Oh.
19:56I'm on my way.
19:57I'm on my way.
19:58Oh, I fated, I fated.
19:59Oh, ding dong.
20:00Christmas comes once a year.
20:01Do you know, I knew you'd do a lovebird.
20:02We not.
20:03He just drove us here.
20:04Spill the tea.
20:05Oh.
20:06Right.
20:07Well, I suppose it's only a matter of time.
20:09But listen, you're going to have to speak to your mother about those.
20:12Who is she?
20:13I'm buggered if I know, because I've searched the whole house.
20:16Oh, darling, you stay with your paramour.
20:17Have you finished?
20:18Finished.
20:19Not you.
20:20Can I have some water, please?
20:21That's all I'm going to say is I don't think we should...
20:24Mommy!
20:28Right, okay, let's split up.
20:30I'll take the lawn.
20:31Joan, you do the meadow.
20:33And you and the kids take the drive.
20:36Okay.
20:39Felicity!
20:44Would you look at this, huh?
20:45Felicity!
20:46Christmas night.
20:48I'd still be doing the washing up at home if I was there right now.
20:50Yeah.
20:51Not standing here.
20:54Looking at the stars.
20:57Sorry, hang on, sorry.
20:58What's...
20:59Oh, God!
21:00Oh!
21:01Great!
21:02What?
21:03There's a flight out of Heathrow tonight.
21:05Well, that's good news, isn't it?
21:07Yeah!
21:08Great air, great.
21:10Yes.
21:11Um...
21:13All I have to do now is just, um...
21:16Click this link to confirm.
21:18Oh, no!
21:19Would you look at that?
21:20My phone's off to running out of battery.
21:21Oh, no!
21:22What a shame!
21:24Um...
21:25Just guess it wasn't meant to be, huh?
21:28What a bummer.
21:30Just guess I'd end up...
21:32Staying here.
21:33Yeah.
21:34Hey, do you know what?
21:36I'm gonna go for a walk.
21:38Yeah.
21:39Felicity!
21:42Yeah, this is just...
21:44It's better than karma.
21:46Felicity!
21:47According to Wikipedia, I have eight brothers and sisters.
21:53Jay Jagger came in once when I was at Quo Vadis.
21:56I wonder, did she know?
21:59Felicity!
22:01It's mad.
22:02I think I could be spending next Christmas with them in Turks and Caicos.
22:06Whoa!
22:07Amanda!
22:08Ow!
22:10I just fell in the ha-ha.
22:12You all right?
22:13Yes.
22:14I am all right, Mal.
22:16Why are you laughing?
22:17You fell in...
22:19Who falls in a ha-ha?
22:21Stop it. It's not funny.
22:22You fell in a ha-ha. Come on.
22:24Get up.
22:27Amanda!
22:28I'm so sorry.
22:29Oh, my God!
22:30Oh, you know what?
22:31Thank you so much for today.
22:34Really.
22:36It beats lying on a couch with a curry and horse, don't I?
22:44Is that Jane's dog?
22:46Mummy?
22:49Mummy!
22:50Felicity!
22:52I didn't know.
22:55What? Ludo, wait, wait.
22:58Ludo!
23:02Oh.
23:03What did you say?
23:13Aha!
23:14Very away in a manger.
23:15Ah.
23:17I knew it was too good to last.
23:18Well, you're the last one to be found, so...
23:20That makes you the winner!
23:21Yes!
23:22Bravo, that girl.
23:23I tell you what.
23:24I could do you a big scoop of the Stilton and I'll crack open a bottle of port.
23:27Stop.
23:28You don't have to have port.
23:29Just stop talking.
23:30Please.
23:31It's too much.
23:32It's Christmas.
23:33It's supposed to be too much.
23:34No, you're too much.
23:35All this joie de vivre and endless glee and everything.
23:37It's just...
23:38It's just...
23:39Just stop.
23:40Please.
23:42Okay.
23:46Stop.
23:53Please don't cry.
23:54I'm not crying.
23:56Come on, Joanie.
23:58This is what happens when you stop.
23:59The old black dog creeps in and...
24:02Oh, come on.
24:03Put yourself together.
24:04Put yourself together, Joanie.
24:05Why are you being like this?
24:07Well, because of you, Flick.
24:09What nonsense.
24:10Do you remember what they used to call us on that ghastly old debutante circuit?
24:15Hmm?
24:17Great hair and spare.
24:20Actually, that's all the good.
24:22Yeah, it's all about the beautiful Felicity Wyndham.
24:25And I was just the podgy little sister.
24:28So I decided to be the life and soul of the party.
24:31Hostess with the mostess.
24:32The last one standing at the barn dance.
24:36And I can tell you something.
24:37After 60 bloody years, it's exhausting.
24:42Why didn't you ever see anything before?
24:45Oh.
24:47Well, it took Amanda to twist your arm to get you down here.
24:50Mummy?
24:52Yes, we're here.
24:54We're here.
24:55Hello.
24:56There she is.
24:57You know, I've spent the whole day trying to recreate the perfect family Christmas.
25:06But it turns out my whole life has been a lie.
25:10For God's sake, Amanda, stop being so melodramatic.
25:13Look, let's go inside and do your moment with the pavlovas.
25:16Yes.
25:17No, Mummy.
25:18I know your secret.
25:20And I know Joan knows.
25:21And that's why you didn't want to come here.
25:23Because you were worried she'd spill the beans.
25:26What is she talking about?
25:31Mummy.
25:33I've seen the photos.
25:35I have in my hand the proof.
25:38I'm Sir Mick Jagger's love child.
25:49What?
25:50Give those to me.
25:51Give those to me.
25:56That's not Mick Jagger.
25:59That's our cousin Rosamund.
26:01She was rather Jagger-esque, don't you think?
26:03Look, with the slim hips and everything.
26:04Oh, my God, did you get her round robin this year?
26:06They had to put down Pinky.
26:08Oh, no.
26:09OK, so if Mick Jagger isn't holding your pregnant belly,
26:11then what is the big deal?
26:12Why didn't you want anyone to see them?
26:15Look, the thing is, I wasn't pregnant in this photograph.
26:17I was fat.
26:20What?
26:22It was the 70s.
26:23I'd just discovered Black Forest Gatto.
26:26And that's our big family secret,
26:28that you were once fat for a summer.
26:32Yes.
26:33Though your father rather liked it.
26:35And you were conceived on that holiday.
26:38Oh, God.
26:42I just sent you to make Jagger a DM.
26:48Can we, uh...
26:50I'm freezing.
26:52What was she thinking?
26:54Oh, sorry, Joanie.
26:55Oh, it's all right, it's all right, honestly.
26:57Merry Christmas.
26:58If it's any consolation, I always felt that Ma and Pa loved you more than they loved me.
27:06Oh, well.
27:07I'd have swapped that any day for a go on a Hemsworth brother.
27:10Ooh.
27:11Is that singing?
27:12Yes, it's Anne.
27:13She's falling in the ha-ha.
27:14She'll be fine.
27:15Come on, come on.
27:16And then John McClane ties this hose pipe around his waist,
27:17because he thinks the guy in the helicopter's gonna shoot him.
27:18So he's got no way out.
27:19Ties himself in nice and tight.
27:20Is he topless?
27:21No, no, no.
27:22But by this point, he's down to his vest.
27:23Ugh.
27:24How is this a Christmas film?
27:25No.
27:26No.
27:27No.
27:28No.
27:29No.
27:30No.
27:31No.
27:32No.
27:33No.
27:34No.
27:35No.
27:36No.
27:37No.
27:38No.
27:39No.
27:40No.
27:41No.
27:42No.
27:43No.
27:44No.
27:45No.
27:46No.
27:47No.
27:48No.
27:49No.
27:50What?
27:51You all right?
27:53Yeah.
27:55I'm sorry Mick Jagger wasn't your father.
27:57No, I just thought that I was special.
28:05You are special.
28:12With what it's worth, I'm sorry you didn't get to sleep with a rolling stone.
28:15Well I did sleep with Mick once or twice back in the day
28:17but not in a way that you would get pregnant.
28:19pregnant right everyone we're going to do amanda's photo oh mommy what really should i get the pavlova
28:27i mean i could take the photo no guys you're all in it come on everyone ready yeah yeah i'll just
28:34do the timer hang on oh no no i want to quickly quickly hang on hang on okay everybody say cheese
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