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00:00Ferocious fights, stingy castles, daring knights
00:02Horrors that did by description
00:03Cutthroat cults or cruel egyptians
00:05Vicious vikings, cruel crimes
00:06Punished perforation dives
00:07Roman rotten rag and rootless
00:09Cavemen savage, beers and tubeless
00:10Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
00:11Mean and Muslim middle-aged
00:13Gory stories, we do that
00:15And your host, a talking rat
00:18The past is no longer a mystery
00:21Welcome to...
00:22Horrible Histories
00:25Horrible Histories presents...
00:29Boots, Barbie Battles Special
00:31Is the coast clear?
00:37Oh, that looked nasty
00:39My brothers and sisters and I are in the middle of an epic battle
00:42One of our classic ratty pillow fights
00:45Incoming!
00:48It all started when my sisters invaded my brother's bedroom
00:52That's how real wars sometimes start too
00:54One nation invades another country
00:56And tries to take it over
00:58Of course, some of history's invasions went better than others
01:01Chuck!
01:04It started with the Spanish Armada
01:08That huge amount of ships that we sent against the English
01:11I think we made them mad
01:13It did
01:14It made them so mad
01:16It led to...
01:18The lesser known Armada
01:19Try and invade us, will you, Spain?
01:22Right now, it's payment time
01:24So Francis Drake
01:27Your march
01:28Unleash
01:29The English Armada
01:32You had me unleash the aim
01:36The English Armada
01:40Led by Francis Drake
01:42Aboard his ship, Revenge
01:44180 ships
01:45Tens of thousands of soldiers
01:48We shall destroy the Spanish fleet
01:50Attack!
01:51No fleet could match them
01:53Wait!
01:54Instead of their fleet of ships
01:57Let's attack the Spanish city of Coruña
02:00But attacking a well defended city instead of a fleet
02:03Might not go as well
02:05I wonder if they've conquered Spain yet
02:08Hmm
02:09Okay
02:11Might take a bit longer than I thought
02:13Longer?
02:14The winds are blowing in the wrong direction
02:16The men are dying of salvation and sickness
02:18What are you complaining about?
02:19We've still got 5,000 men
02:21Yes, but we started out with tens of thousands of men
02:24That's not ideal
02:26The English Armada
02:28The one you've maybe not heard of
02:30And coming soon
02:32You know the English Armada we sent against the Spanish
02:35Because of the Spanish Armada they sent against us
02:37Well I think they may be planning revenge
02:40No
02:41Yes
02:42Another Spanish Armada
02:45The Spanish Armada 2
02:47Armada Harder
02:50I'm beginning to think Armadas might be overrated
02:55Me and my brothers are losing the battle
02:57So we've turned our bedrooms into a fort
02:59We've built barriers at every entrance
03:01So our sisters can't attack us
03:03We are totally safe
03:08Battles are hard
03:09And it's not just the landscapes that are a problem
03:12Take it down you lot
03:14Sorry mum
03:15Sometimes the people are the problem
03:17William the Conqueror found that out
03:19After he killed King Harold at the Battle of Hastings
03:22He came up against a particularly tricky opponent
03:25Harold's mum
03:27Mum
03:33Hello
03:34I am King William of England
03:37I know you're in there
03:40We're not scared of you William
03:42Guys seriously
03:43I am not okay about this rebellion
03:46I just conquered you
03:48I'm so peeved
03:50I literally just poked this guy's eyes out
03:52There was a whole battle near Hastings remember
03:56My rival King Harold and all his brothers were killed or captured
04:01I mean there is literally no one else from the royal family left to lead you
04:08Move it sunshine
04:12Cooey
04:16Oh for crying out loud look who it is
04:18Yeah what if you hadn't poked my eyes out
04:20Oh sorry yeah
04:21It's the old King Harold's mum Geetha
04:23Oh?
04:24Yeah you forgot about mummy didn't ya?
04:30Yeah
04:31Look it would be better for everybody if we ended all this rivalry and you just surrendered
04:37So what do you say?
04:40Why's it all gone quiet?
04:42Hang on something's happening
04:44Oh I think he's getting his bum out
04:46Oh yeah
04:47But why?
04:48Don't worry about it your majesty
04:51Everyone does it when they get nervous
04:53That wasn't me it was them
04:55Oh sure it was
04:56That's our answer
05:00The sound of a movers rage
05:06And by the smell of it
05:10Cabbage
05:13Oh gosh that is strong
05:16Maybe you should go and change your chainmail
05:19It wasn't me
05:20Do you want me to poke something else out?
05:22Yeah can you start with my nose?
05:23Hit him again
05:26I know you have them surrounded but maybe it's time we were treated
05:30Yeah it stinks
05:32That's right
05:34Fear our power
05:37And smell it too
05:40Oh I could smell that one from France
05:43We'll be back
05:44Right that's enough
05:47It's been 90 years since Caesar failed to conquer Britain
05:54Rome as a new emperor determined to finish the job
05:58It's gonna take one tough toga wearer to risk everything in this hellhole
06:03I'm emperor Claudius and this is extreme survival
06:07Step one
06:09Defense
06:10You're on an island filled with bloodthirsty warriors and druids
06:15Staying alive through the night is going to be a challenge
06:18You're going to need protection
06:19And you're going to need it fast
06:21Look around you
06:22What do you see?
06:23Nothing but trees and dirt
06:25But trees and dirt
06:26With training and basic tools can become a fortress
06:29A fortress can keep you alive
06:32When everybody around you wants you dead
06:35But what I like to do is
06:37Stay 900 miles away in a row
06:39And let my general Paulinus and the army do the hard work
06:44When you're faced with that
06:46Being somewhere completely different is a very effective way of staying alive
06:50Step two
06:53Stop rebellions
06:54You've finally arrived in Great Britain because the war has already been won
06:57But now you have to win at a peace
06:59And these locals will rebel at the drop of a helmet
07:01You need to be prepared and that means using what's around you
07:04Look around you what do you see?
07:06A stone can be used as a missile
07:09And wood is good for keeping the fire going at night
07:13Staying well lit and armed is vitally important in a hostile situation
07:17But what I like to do is bring an elephant
07:20It's unlikely the locals would have seen an elephant
07:24What's around they'll say?
07:26And I'll say that's an elephant
07:28And they'll say cool
07:29I've never seen one of those
07:30Let's not rebel
07:31Probably
07:32Who cares?
07:33I've got an elephant
07:34I love it when they do that
07:36Extreme elephant
07:38Step three
07:40Conquer more of the island
07:41So you're safer from attack
07:42You've secured the southeast
07:44But it's gonna take years
07:46To spread your rule across this new and dangerous island
07:49You've got decades of hard work and danger ahead of you
07:52But what I like to do is
07:54Go home after sixteen days
07:56Let the army do the rest
07:58Going home to Rome seriously reduces your chances of being killed abroad
08:02And that's
08:04Extreme survival
08:06Let's bounce
08:08I forgot my elephant
08:14Now Jim
08:18In precisely one minute's time
08:20We're going to march
08:21As British soldiers
08:22Fighting for the East India Company
08:24Into battle
08:25At Syringapatta
08:26How do you like that?
08:27Any chance we can do it tomorrow, Colonel?
08:28Of course
08:29No, we cannot do it tomorrow
08:31We're doing it today
08:32Can we have this conversation in the shade, sir?
08:34I think my hat has caught my head
08:36No, we cannot talk in the shade
08:38A British soldier stands where he must
08:41Be that under fire
08:42In the ice
08:43Or in the sun
08:44Is that understood?
08:46He must be very strong
08:49I think their leader just killed a man with his finger
08:52Why are the British wearing such ridiculously hot and thick uniforms?
08:57You know, marching to someone else's country killing anyone who resists
09:01The least you can do is dress appropriately
09:03We're struggling with the sun, sir
09:05I mean, we all are
09:06We're not used to it
09:07All the fevers
09:08All the water
09:09All the food
09:10Oh, sorry, I've got a dysentery, sir
09:12Alright, hey, oh, oh, oh
09:14That was a close one
09:15I don't care if it's a bit hot
09:18I don't care if you've got a runny bottom
09:21I don't care if anyone's got a little bit of fever
09:26Ah, lemons
09:27Badgers
09:28Soup fairies
09:29That's just fever
09:30He's seeing things
09:31Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
09:33Promise I'm trying to keep him in
09:35Can you hear gunfire?
09:37I think some of them soldiers are dropping bottom bombs
09:40They can't handle food with flavour
09:41It goes straight through them
09:42It is a mystery why they keep stealing food from us
09:45When they finally leave
09:47It is going to take an age to clean up after them
09:49And to rebuild all the cities they've burned
09:51You lot are a disgrace
09:53Now, you need to be ready to march
09:55I am standing dead still and flexing my bum
09:58If I march
10:00There's going to be carnage
10:02Perhaps you'd like to be excused from battle today
10:04Thank you, thank you
10:05Thank you
10:06You shower of toilets
10:09The British Empire covers one-sixth of the world's land
10:12The British soldiers are feared around the globe
10:15Do you really think a bit of heat gut-churning is going to stop us?
10:20Ooh, ooh, ooh
10:22That might slow us down, Ashley
10:25Get a new uniform
10:27I just can't believe we're losing this war to these guys
10:30They'll go out eventually
10:31They'll have to
10:32They'll run out of underwear
10:33run out of underwear we all know the first rule are pillow fights pillows only if we're going to
10:42defeat my sisters I'm going to have to get a bit more creative so I've emptied the feathers out of
10:47this one and put my mate Freddy the Frog inside but Tilda's scared of frogs unfortunately Freddy
10:57scared of the Tilda too come on she's not that scary I guess new weapons for battle are bound to
11:03have teething problems just ask this lot sire I think you'll be impressed I've invented a new
11:12weapon that will revolutionize hunting oh exciting I started with a small sharpened piece of bone but
11:18that is tiny we'll never catch a line with this look did that hurt well a little bit no it didn't
11:26okay but I hadn't finished you see next I glued it to the end of a piece of wood ah you're wasting
11:31your time look this is the smallest bear I've ever seen will never catch a vicious piece with this
11:36child's toy look did that hurt it hurt quite a lot actually no again what if I said I could hurl this
11:43tiny spare a vast distance and hit a target using this interesting never go useless
11:55yes this will never catch a leopard I wouldn't be so sure watch me sire
11:59impressive so hold it like this right
12:08ow sire I would have hit the target if he didn't get in the way let me have another go
12:15I think I'll stand over here
12:17I think I'll stand over here
12:17kill this is the one fire
12:21it's broken
12:25try again but round the other way
12:28I mean the ball round the other way yes
12:41look it's bound to take a bit of getting used to it I'm pretty sure I'm getting the hang of this now
12:54you did it
12:59amazing you have invented a tool that can fire small spears
13:06I call it a bow and arrow
13:09the bow and arrow
13:11actually the other way but but it doesn't matter
13:14yeah
13:16ah
13:17blue man who man the living toilet who ran from the middle ages with a bucket so that you can have a poo in a private place
13:25sitting on my bucket with a cape to hide your face
13:28and bum and when you're done I will try surpending if you did a two or one
13:34blue man
13:41oh
13:42greetings friend
13:43who are you and what are you doing on my U-boat
13:46I am blue man the living lavatory and you look like a man who needs the little U-boat captain's room
13:53yes I do
13:54well then I would like to apply for the jubbies
13:58we have a toilet I'm meeting the engineers and our engineer
14:02yeah flashing the boat's toilet is very complex but only a specially trained person can do it
14:08I'm intrigued
14:09I'm intrigued
14:10it is ready for you captain
14:12oh thank goodness
14:15oh
14:16torpedoes ahead
14:18oh there we go
14:19oh
14:20tell me mine find do you call them the captain's logs
14:24oh this is the best
14:25sorry loo man a pleasure to meet a fellow poo-fessional
14:29oh
14:30feel better
14:31oh yes
14:32thank you
14:33I'd give it frumpf if I were you
14:35yes captain
14:36yes
14:37you may flush when ready
14:38engineer
14:39aye aye captain
14:40aye
14:41aye
14:42right
14:43oh no
14:44goodness yeah my setup's a lot simpler than yours if you want me to take you through it
14:48ha
14:49nein danke
14:50please do not disturb me
14:51I must turn these levers and valves in exactly the right order otherwise the seawater will flood into the vessel
14:59okay yeah cool
15:02out of interest
15:03how many buckets worth of bum blackverse is this baby store
15:06well actually this sub does not store its poop instead we fire turd beetles into the ocean with compressed air
15:14oh love it
15:16hello what's happened has he done a floater
15:20oh no I've implemented the wrong sequence the toilet is filling up with sea warts and the captain's logs
15:26oh you do call them the captain's logs in
15:28captain the toilet switch has leaked into the ship's batteries and the sap is filling with poisonous gas
15:33we must surface an abandoned ship
15:35abandoned ship
15:37code brown
15:38abandoned ship
15:39abandoned ship
15:43students the bucket
15:47well dr skinner we're hoping you've come up with something that will help us to defeat the nazis
15:52gentlemen I believe I have a massive advance in missile accuracy piloted missiles
15:59pilot
16:00but who would be stupid enough to pilot a missile that was going to explode
16:03gentlemen meet your new pilot
16:15you want a pigeon to fly the bomb
16:17of course not
16:20I want three pigeons to fly the bomb
16:22gentlemen
16:23each pigeon
16:24harnessed inside the missile has been trained to peck at the target when they see it
16:29this pecking transmits a signal via the bird's beak which controls the bomb's tail fins and directs it towards the target
16:37oh nine you've destroyed my nazi battleship who'd have suspected a pigeon
16:43oh somebody give skinner a promotion
16:46are we being pranked?
16:48do you want us to entrust the war to birds?
16:51these are no ordinary birds sir
16:54my pigeons are graduates of the skinner school of aviation
16:57you created a flying school for pigeons
17:00well they're not going to train themselves are they?
17:02who is this guy?
17:04let me show you something
17:06what are you doing?
17:09a demonstration sir
17:10each pigeon has been trained to ignore the distractions of war
17:15my eyes
17:17my eyes
17:18see it didn't even flinch
17:20thank you dr skinner
17:22we have heard enough
17:23i'm sorry to disappoint you but it's a terrible idea
17:26i'm sure implementing your pigeon plan would have been a real coup
17:31and i don't want you to get in a flap
17:33but it's time for you and your pigeons to take off
17:39hey where'd that pigeon go?
17:41i told you they were trained to hit enemy targets
17:47oh being in a battle is exhausting
17:52thankfully mummus has brought me a cheese sandwich to keep me going
17:55and i think she might be supplying the enemy too
17:58girls sandwiches are ready
18:00pick a side mummus
18:02i shouldn't be surprised though
18:04mums have been helping their children in battle throughout history
18:07although i'm glad my mum isn't a spartan one
18:11spartan soldiers are some of the toughest in the world
18:16the only thing tougher than them
18:17come on you maggots
18:19are their mums
18:20get up sit up
18:22this is spartan mums
18:24are you tough enough?
18:26come on
18:27tell me something
18:29do you want to be in the spartan army?
18:32yes mummy
18:33yes mummy
18:34what did you say?
18:35yes mummy
18:36drop down and give me 300
18:37mm-hmm
18:38they're good boys but they need to grow a spine
18:41i mean they're spartans
18:43they need to learn to be as tough as their mothers
18:45and believe me
18:46we need to be tough to raise sons as tough as spartans
18:49can i get up now?
18:50did i say you could speak?
18:51sorry mummy
18:52i meant to send you pathetic babies out to fight for us
18:56do you want to go to battle?
18:58or will you come running home to your mummy?
19:00no mummy
19:01no mummy
19:02a coward!
19:03i should have left you outside on the hill like your other brother
19:06what other brother?
19:08exactly
19:10what mummy wants, mummy gets
19:13or you die
19:14attention!
19:16let me look at you
19:17oh you don't want us to get naked again do you?
19:20that is the best way to assess your physical fitness
19:23but no
19:24not this time
19:25oh
19:26that's a shame
19:27i'll be working on my abs
19:29ow
19:30yeah
19:31shields!
19:34these are your shields
19:36you carry them into battle
19:38you return with them or on them
19:40ooh like a sledge
19:41no like a stretcher
19:43dead dummy
19:44shame about the sledge
19:46that sounded fun
19:48oh
19:49oh i weed
19:50i weed
19:51i'm sorry mummy
19:52no
19:53can't do this
19:56you are a disgrace
19:58fool!
19:59the three gruelling weeks are over
20:01and this is the end
20:03of the beginning of their training
20:05which will last for many years to come
20:08i want my mummy
20:10help me
20:11walk a dalmas
20:12i know
20:13drop i give you three hundred
20:14one
20:15two
20:16two
20:17two and a half
20:18oh it hurts mummy
20:19even count me that one
20:21dearest edward
20:23mummy here
20:24i do hope this letter finds you well
20:27despite this silly civil war
20:30not much to report from here at home
20:32apart from missing you and daddy of course
20:35i do feel so safe with our own soldiers here to protect us
20:40lady holly
20:41siege
20:42siege
20:43we're under attack
20:44carry our positions men
20:45we will not let our home fall defend her at all
20:48musts
20:50i do hope you are looking after daddy
20:53i'm so proud of you both
20:55for defending our puritan values against the royalist scum
21:00as some mean people like to call them
21:03the bells
21:04the bells
21:05they're taking the bells
21:06not on my watch
21:07hit them with everything we've got
21:14oh i've been hit
21:15ooh cake
21:20i was going to send you a cake
21:23to make you think of her
21:25but
21:30eat musket balls losers
21:35argh
21:36i prefer the cake
21:39i seem to have run out of cake
21:41laugh
21:42and snuggles
21:44mummy
21:46we did it
21:47we did it
21:48they're retreating
21:49who's the mummy
21:50it's me
21:51it's me
21:52right
21:53be a laugh and then
21:54sneak this past the enemy
21:55would you
21:56move move move
21:57move
22:00i don't know how long we can keep this battle going
22:03i'm exhausted
22:04also
22:05we're running out of pillows
22:06we've only got three left
22:09we've only got two left
22:11luckily people in history
22:13have had all sorts of inventive ways
22:15to stop war and find peace
22:17and one of the more surprising ways is
22:20marriage
22:21that one was my favourite
22:24they say there is a wafer thin line between love and hate
22:31so is it any wonder that when two warring rivals look for peace
22:36it is l'amour that shows the way
22:39pharaoh ramesses the second is looking for love
22:44or an end to war
22:45one of the two
22:46i hope i like her
22:48i hope my wives like her as well
22:50hey
22:51do people normally bring their wives on dates
22:53serious question
22:54you don't mind do you
22:56yeah she don't mind
22:57okay
22:58his date is the eldest daughter of the king of the hittites
23:04you must be ramesses the second
23:06my name is
23:07i don't care what your name is
23:08imma call you
23:09mafauna for ra
23:10it means
23:11she
23:12who beholds the falcon
23:14that is the visible splendour
23:16of ra
23:17yeah right
23:18i'm with you with names innit
23:19is he allowed to do that
23:21i mean i know he's a pharaoh
23:23and i've heard he can do whatever he likes
23:24but is he literally allowed to change my name
23:26things are off to a bad start
23:28because while ramesses is pharaoh of the upper nile
23:31he's on this occasion
23:32also king of the utter vile
23:34hi
23:35you need some oil babes
23:36no thanks babe
23:37apologies my bad
23:38you need some oil babes
23:40huh
23:41no
23:42stop that
23:43what are you doing
23:44the oil is there to banish the netherworld and keep you safe from evil
23:48you're welcome
23:49i know that ditch in this state could restart a war between our kingdoms
23:52but right now that seems like a price worth paying
23:54hey hey hey look look look
23:55we both know that our marriage is just there to keep the peace
24:00but look let's just put all of that aside yeah
24:03let's just talk about our hopes and our dreams
24:07i'd like that
24:08so how much am i getting
24:10huh
24:11think of world peace think of world peace
24:13it's called a dowry
24:14the dowry
24:15the dad has to give me a load of stuff when i marry her
24:17oh it's a standard thing at regular weddings let alone ones being arranged to end the war
24:22ain't that right
24:23i got bear coins off of these luck
24:25so i get the gold yeah
24:26the silver
24:27the slaves
24:28the horses
24:29the cows
24:30is that all
24:31and me of course
24:32ha ha ha yeah of course
24:34ha ha ha ha
24:35how could i forget that that's mad i'm gonna put you down under the horses
24:39and they say romance is dead
24:41so do you think you'll see each other again
24:43sure i mean we'll have to innit ha ha ha ha
24:47if we don't get married then the war between our rival kingdoms may well start up again
24:51right i ain't got no choice
24:53i ain't got no choice
24:54the words every brad longs to hear
24:56don't worry babes we'll look after you
24:58there you go
24:59wives
25:00let's go
25:01you need to learn something
25:02oh
25:03oh
25:04just ignore him
25:05you do
25:06yeah yeah i'll catch you back at the palace
25:08you know i might have to be back next week cause five wives ain't enough you know what i mean
25:14ah you know what i'm saying
25:16the dust has settled on our final battle
25:22we all decided to put aside the pillows of war and lead a peaceful life
25:27because dad has said if we didn't he'd sell the telly
25:31yes war is never the answer
25:33unless the question is three letter word beginning with w english civil what
25:38of course in the english civil war oliver cromwell's motto was peace through war
25:43but my dad says that's nonsense and he might be right
25:47things didn't work out so well for cromwell
25:49mhm mhm mhm
25:52civil war
25:54what was it good for
25:57monarchy abolished
26:00civil war
26:02what was it good for
26:05royalty demolished
26:07civil war
26:08whoo
26:09whoo
26:10what was it good for
26:11whoo
26:12what was it good for
26:13my new model army
26:14my new model army fought for the cause
26:15i crushed rebellion and rip-hawned laws
26:16my new model army fought for the cause
26:17i crushed rebellion and rip-hawned laws
26:18this old parliament became lord protector
26:19like a king but without a crown of scepter
26:20protectorate was now what we were called
26:22with a jolly little motto
26:24peace through war
26:26civil war
26:28whoo
26:29what was it good for
26:31monarchy disbanded
26:33civil war
26:36whoo
26:37what was it good for
26:40my power expanded
26:42cut england and wales it's twelve little bits
26:45it didn't work out had to pull that quiz
26:47thought making me king would be the solution
26:49but i stayed law protector with a new constitution
26:52didn't last long death was my fate
26:54so son and heir stepping up to the plate
26:56it was a tough act to follow the great dictator
26:58the army forced me out a year later
27:01civil war
27:04what was it good for
27:06monarchy diminished
27:09civil war
27:12huh
27:13what was it good for
27:15i thought we were finished
27:18but all the while i'd been in exile
27:22banished from my home nation
27:26then i got the call
27:28they've had enough of war
27:30and so began
27:32the restoration
27:35i've pardoned crimes from civil war times
27:38i'm back what's not to lie
27:39well they dug me up
27:41cut me up
27:42and put my head on a spine
27:44civil war
27:46whoo
27:48whoo was it good for
27:50don't get me started
27:52civil war
27:54civil war
27:55huh
27:56whoo
27:57whoo
27:58whoo was it good for
27:59right now where's the party
28:00Where's the party?
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