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The 2 Johnnies Late Night Lock In
#The 2 Johnnies Late Night Lock In
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#The 2 Johnnies Late Night Lock In
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00:00I said
00:02Hello and welcome to the Two Johnny's, Leigh Van Glocken!
00:25There is some crowd in the bar tonight.
00:31Don't worry John, there's just the right amount of people in the bar tonight.
00:34Howdy and Olly, did you count them?
00:36John, if there's three things I'm good at, it's comedy and maths.
00:41Great, let's get on with the show. She's good with both feet lads.
00:44She scores every Sunday.
00:45Because she's a judge and dancing with the stars, it's Karen Byrd!
00:55All right, our next guest has managed Banger, Bohemians, Caroline United, Dublin City,
01:03Shamrock Roberts, Florianna, Cork City, Monaghan United, Athlone Town, Derry City, Waterbury
01:06United and Athlone Town again.
01:08The only club he hasn't managed is coppers, it's Roddy Collins!
01:19Also tonight, hailing from the second best hurling county in Ireland this year.
01:24Do you mean Cork, John?
01:25I do mean Cork, John.
01:26But he's one of our favourite comedians, we'll have stand-up from Cork's Andrew Ryan!
01:39And we're delighted to get them out of Offaly for the day, it's Chasen Abbey!
01:44Now, it's time to find out, who's in the bar?
01:58We're in the bar!
02:00Who's in the bar?
02:01We're in the bar!
02:04Right, where is Sam?
02:07There he is!
02:09He couldn't be any further away!
02:10All right, we're busting on down the back.
02:12Who's Sam?
02:14Sam, what's the crack, how are you?
02:17I'm Grant Sharon, yourself?
02:19Not too bad, where are you from?
02:20Ennis, Clare.
02:21Okay lovely, what's the story, what's your hidden talent?
02:24You'll actually never believe this, but I can play music on my teeth.
02:29It's a bit of a weird one.
02:31I'll say.
02:33Okay, so how did you discover this?
02:35I actually have been the Bulls in Ocean, I've been doing it for years.
02:38I think it stemmed from when I was in school and just like not paying attention when I was supposed to pay attention.
02:42Right.
02:42I just, like a tick or something, I don't know.
02:45Okay, okay.
02:45Well lads, do you want to see it?
02:47Yeah!
02:48Okay, all right, okay.
02:49We're going to need a bit of hush.
02:51Okay, what are you going to, just play it.
02:53Okay, okay, okay.
03:08Right, we all knew that tune.
03:11So if you played one, how about we guess what he's playing?
03:13Guess that tune.
03:14Yeah, it gets the tune?
03:16Okay.
03:16Okay.
03:23American Garrys.
03:24Yay!
03:24Is that it?
03:27Yeah, that's it.
03:27American Garrys.
03:28Did it, did it, did it, did it.
03:29Ah, lovely.
03:31Give it up for Sam, everybody.
03:35Back to Johnny Smacks.
03:36Thank you very much, John.
03:38I'm here with Anne-Marie.
03:38Anne-Marie, how are you?
03:39Where are you from?
03:39Good.
03:40From Mayo, living in Galway.
03:41You're from Mayo and you're, okay, you're living in Galway.
03:43Sorry, sorry, sorry to hear that.
03:44Very to make sure I'm from Mayo.
03:45Anne-Marie, what is your talent tonight?
03:47Um, just a random talent I discovered.
03:50I'm going to try and tie a knot in this.
03:52Tie a knot in, that's a cherry stock.
03:54It is.
03:54Right.
03:55Let's, we want to see Anne-Marie do this?
03:56Yeah!
03:56Come on, Anne-Marie.
03:58I'm looking simple.
03:59Okay, okay.
03:59No butter, you, no butter.
04:01You work away.
04:05Ah.
04:08Weather's nice, let's.
04:09Yeah, that's right.
04:19Oh!
04:20That is incredible.
04:22Right, I'll, d'you know what, d'you know what, I'll give it, I'll give it a go on meself, all right?
04:31Right, one second now.
04:38Whoa, the same bridge is crossed!
04:42D'you know what, I think it's easier than it looks, Anne-Marie.
04:45Give it up for Anne-Marie!
04:46What a talent.
04:52Wow.
04:52Wow.
04:53Right lads, are you ready to meet our first guest?
04:55Yeah!
04:56We cross live to Seamus the Sheep.
05:01Right, who's Seamus the Sheep got for us this week?
05:03It's between Gabriel Byrne, Bertie O'Hearn, or Karen Byrne.
05:09He's giving Bertie a bit of attention there, is he?
05:12It could be.
05:13Not for the first time.
05:14And it's, of course, Karen Byrne!
05:16How are you?
05:29How are you?
05:30Like, I have to say, it's, hi.
05:32It's great, Cracker.
05:33Welcome to the boat, Karen, it's madness, isn't it?
05:35Oh my god, sweet!
05:38Shouldn't have wore this jacket.
05:40Thanks for having me.
05:41You better leave it on now.
05:42You've been dancing since you were six years old.
05:48You're represented in Ireland, but I'm wondering, six years old,
05:52people are doing Irish dancing, they're doing camogie.
05:54How did you pick ballroom?
05:55Do you know, I actually wanted to do Irish dancing,
05:58but my mum was an Irish dancer and she was like,
06:01it's not like it used to be, they wear wigs, they wear all this now.
06:04It's not like you put the rollers in your hair and blah, blah, blah.
06:06And I used to be like, ma, please, I really want to do it.
06:08She wouldn't let me do it.
06:09One day in school, randomly, do you know the way you saw
06:12what I was getting your little things, your notes on for your mum?
06:14It was, it said like, dance classes starting after school,
06:17like ballroom, cha-cha-cha, samba.
06:19And I was like, oh ma, I want to do that.
06:22I've done one class and I was literally addicted.
06:25I was the first one there, the last one leaving.
06:27I'd say I used to wreck the teacher's house.
06:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:30You're from Ballyferma, which is probably not...
06:32I'm from Ballyferma.
06:33Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:35It's probably...
06:37It's probably, like fair to say, it's not well known for ballroom dancing.
06:40I mean, was there loads of lads queuing up?
06:42Oh!
06:43No, no, no, no.
06:45No, no, no.
06:47No, hang on.
06:48Do you know, that's why I loved it.
06:49Because none of me friends, they were all thinking they're cool down hip-hop
06:53while I was waltzing around going, none of the rest of us can do this.
06:56But I imagine the Englands and Ballyferma weren't queuing up around being like,
07:00would the ballroom dance with you, yeah?
07:01Well, they are now.
07:03Yeah!
07:08And was it hard to find a dance partner?
07:09It was hard.
07:10And do you know, right, so when I think back,
07:12this is how we used to find a dance partner years ago.
07:14I said to me, ma, I was like, I was getting to about 13, 14,
07:17there was no boys in Ireland that wanted to dance,
07:19because it was seen as like, as you'd imagine, like a non-cool thing.
07:23Yeah, yeah, that's right.
07:23And I said to you, I guess on Google, thinking back, how my ma allowed this, right?
07:28Went on Google, partner search, I put in.
07:32And do you know, years ago, what you had to do, you had to put in your details, right?
07:36When I think of it now, I'm probably, it's probably a bit like a Tinder for dancing.
07:40Like, you had to put in your height, blah, blah, blah.
07:41And basically then, I met this random fella in Liverpool, and I was like,
07:45man, there's a fella same height as me, and I think we're going to be brilliant dance partners.
07:49And here's me, ma, Karen, you live in Ballyferma, he lives in Liverpool,
07:52you're winding me up.
07:53Here's I, Ryanair, we're going to get the flights over once a week, and blah, blah,
07:57and make it work.
07:58I think I was only about 14, 15, and me ma was like, yeah, no bother,
08:01there you go, there's a few bars.
08:03Off you go to Liverpool, to this random family.
08:06Now, the family were lovely.
08:07Yeah, let's have that on record.
08:10And also, sure, think back, if I didn't do all that, sure, I wouldn't be dancing.
08:13But how do you go from representing Ireland to dancing with Dez Cahill?
08:20It's different.
08:20I actually, do you know, I don't have an answer to that, but that was probably the best transition
08:24in my life, because Dez Cahill, oh, I love Dez, hi, Dez, if you're watching.
08:28He's a legend, yeah.
08:30He is a legend.
08:31He actually showed me, because I remember walking down, and you have to know the way you do that
08:34cringy wave at the top of the show.
08:35And Dez was like, yeah, Karen, look to the camera with the red light, and I was like,
08:39what's that mean?
08:40He was like, you're live.
08:41I hadn't a clue, so, like, I taught him dancing, he taught me live telly, and it was actually the
08:46perfect partnership.
08:47But if you're dancing with people who aren't professionals, trying to do complicated moves,
08:51Oh, your backs and bits.
08:52Yeah, they would drop you, it would never go wrong, like.
08:55Oh, it goes wrong all the time.
08:56But, like, of course, if you're on live telly, and we're doing, like, mad lifts,
09:01the partner's never going to want to drop you.
09:04As a man, do you want to drop a woman?
09:05Of course you don't, you're like.
09:07Now, now, funny you say that, because it does happen.
09:09We have a clip of you actually been dropped.
09:13This is your old dance partner, Jason Smith.
09:15Nice, nice, nice drop there.
09:17That was mild.
09:18And Shane Byrne, I mean, former professional rugby player,
09:20you think he'd have good hands, but he still managed to drop there.
09:23Come here, they all do, but you know, I always say before a live show, I'm like,
09:26if you drop me, it's brilliant telly.
09:29Everyone loves being, watching that, you know, I mean, of course,
09:32I don't want to be dropped, but just calms their nerves.
09:34If I'm like, ah, drop me for the crack, it's grand.
09:38But if you get somebody who, like, just can't dance, how do you?
09:41I haven't had anyone that can dance, are you joking?
09:45Can you choreograph your way out of it?
09:46Like, is there a few tricks?
09:47Of course.
09:47We'll just do a few lifts.
09:48Just bluff it, keep shaking, shimmying.
09:51And if you can't, there's some people out there, can you shimmy?
09:54I don't know, I never tried it.
09:55Go on, Shos.
10:00They were dying for me to ask them to do something.
10:01So the answer's no.
10:02It's actually, yeah, it's just, I always think the people at home,
10:06from the waist up, once you're looking like you're having a whale of a time,
10:09I'm sure Mary's sitting on that chair, doesn't know what the fee should be doing.
10:12Do you know what I mean?
10:13Fluff it, fake it till you make it, that's how I'm still here.
10:16You went then from dancer to judge, like there's no more falls there, did it all go smooth?
10:25I used to look at the judge's table and be like, oh, imagine me sitting there, wouldn't that be lovely?
10:29And the table was so big, so I used to be like, surely there's space for another chair.
10:34Just squeeze me and I bring me own steel with me.
10:37If I can take you back in time to your first judging, your first live episode, you were nervous.
10:42I was, and Jake actually said to me, Karen, that yeah, there's, there's nothing,
10:46like just be yourself.
10:47Yeah.
10:48The worst thing I could have been.
10:50You got, you got pretty, you got pretty nervous when you were judging Mickie Jo hard.
10:53Oh no.
10:54If I'm being honest, it was a bit stiff, Mickie.
10:57But, do you know what, that could have been your trousers.
11:02Like, so genuinely, even when I said that, I was so engrossed with his dance, right?
11:08It was a Paso doble.
11:09Yeah.
11:10It was a bit stiff.
11:11Yeah.
11:12And his name is Mickie, there was none.
11:14Like, I mean, it could have, that could have been anyone to say that,
11:18and it just happened to be me on my first ever live show as a judge.
11:20He also had a letter of pants on, I mean, that's.
11:22And why did I have to continue on and say, but it could have been the trousers.
11:28Why was there any need to say that?
11:31And the worst thing about the whole thing was, right, Jake was probably more nervous than I was,
11:35and where I was sitting, I could see him in my eyeline for the whole night,
11:39so that was making me a bit more nervous.
11:41I was like, oh God, I don't want to let you down, Jake.
11:43And as soon as I said that, he was like.
11:47God, I was like, ah, come here.
11:49So you get people on, and what's the hardest dance?
11:51What's the, when you hear this?
11:52Right, so the ongoing thing is like people say the Samba is like a celebrity killer.
11:58It is hard because a man doesn't go around bleeding,
12:00wiggling his hips and shimmying going around the bar.
12:02The bar, he's top side to side.
12:04So as soon as you start saying to any man, I don't think I had Samba thankfully with Des.
12:09I didn't.
12:10That was on switch up week.
12:11He had Samba with someone else.
12:12I said, Jesus, brilliant.
12:14But why is Samba so hard?
12:16Because it's all about like bouncing and moving your hips and your body.
12:24I mean, is there any music in this place?
12:27Can we get a bit of Samba music?
12:34Can you explain the basic steps?
12:47Right, so that's actually, whoever put that song on, that's very fast.
12:50Right, so we don't normally go that quick, but they're a batch of cards that you would do to that.
12:54I knew it was a batch of cards.
12:56Yeah, classic batch of cards.
12:57So you close your feet.
12:59Right, come to me, lads, I hope you all do with us.
13:00Come on, we all do with us.
13:01Let's, and girls, come on.
13:02Get around the pub, here we go, lads.
13:04Right, okay, listen up, here we go.
13:05So we close our feet, and we're going to go back on our right, and then left.
13:08So it's literally just back, back, and stay up on your toes, wiggling your hips.
13:12So we literally go, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
13:16Right?
13:16Not bad.
13:17And then we'll just shake.
13:20You ready?
13:21Music.
13:21Hang on, hang on, hang on.
13:23But do you reckon, we want people to, we want people to learn to dance.
13:27Oh, you're only on behind the bar.
13:28We want people to learn to dance.
13:29Yeah.
13:29But there probably won't be too much Samba music on in the pub in Tipperary.
13:32Yeah.
13:33Okay.
13:33So can we do this to a song that you might hear in a pub in Ireland?
13:36Oh, we can make a walk.
13:37Okay, right, let's.
13:38Woo!
13:38Kidding, here we go.
13:39Woo!
13:40Woo!
13:41Woo!
13:42Woo!
13:43Woo!
13:43Woo!
13:44Woo!
13:45Woo!
13:45Woo!
13:46Woo!
13:47Woo!
13:47Woo!
13:48Woo!
13:49Woo!
13:49Woo!
13:50Woo!
13:51Woo!
13:51Woo!
13:52Woo!
13:53Woo!
13:53Woo!
13:54Woo!
13:55Woo!
13:55Woo!
13:56Woo!
13:57Woo!
13:57Woo!
13:58Woo!
13:59Woo!
13:59Woo!
14:00Woo!
14:01Woo!
14:01Woo!
14:02Woo!
14:03Woo!
14:03Woo!
14:04Woo!
14:04Woo!
14:04Lads.
14:05I didn't sign up for wearin' this jacket!
14:09I'm absolutely lads.
14:10Things are heatin' up in this bar.
14:11Give it up for Karen Byrne, everybody!
14:17And, don't forget, Karen will be on the judging panel at Dancing With The Stars in the new
14:21year.
14:22Hopefully.
14:23Google рас.
14:24Hang on, lads.
14:25Roddy, you're from a big family.
14:26Fairly big.
14:27okay you're a professional dancer yeah we've got a game that combines both your
14:34talents so Ollie Andrew you ready to play along yeah okay we've got a game
14:38that we're calling we aren't family yes so we've got a camera out in the streets
14:43of Galway where all the members of the other family are dancing to the same
14:46tune but here's the catch one person isn't in the family your job is to spot
14:50the imposter okay okay all right let's go live to Galway okay here we go
14:56that's we've got the DeSantis family I know already from one to six straight
15:03away Roddy you're looking at them who do you think is not in the family
15:18number three because he looks too happy no family's that happy yeah okay
15:24Karen what do you reckon now you're going close it's hard yeah no so that's what
15:28they look the image yeah that fella on the end looks like he's just been plumped
15:32there it could be him right well Karen they say the rhythm is in the genes so
15:38let's find out we'll get them dancing let's see truly live yeah this is live and gone yeah okay right hit the music
15:45oh I'm taking number four oh it's amazing number four is dancing with his tongue
16:00I think I think number three is American number three looks a bit yeah he looks a bit foreign okay but so does number one that girl looks too jolly compared to the rest of them okay who's not in the family
16:15what do you call it what number four you reckon Roddy Rick is four I'll tell you what say or not because we'll find out after the break
16:22Roddy Rick is four I'll tell you what say or not because we'll find out after the break
16:25hey welcome back to the two johnnies
16:49Now, before the break, we've seen the DeSantos family on the streets of Galway, but one person wasn't actually part of the family, John.
17:01Yes, let's go back to Galway and see, lads, right, looking at the screens.
17:04Who do we think is not part of the family, lads? What do you reckon? What number?
17:08Six.
17:10What are we saying? OK, OK, moment of truth.
17:12Moment of truth. We think it's number four.
17:15Some people are saying number six.
17:16Would the real imposter please step forward?
17:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:27OK, number four. What's your name and how do you know the family or have you ever met them before?
17:32My name's Cian and I have no idea who these people are.
17:37Put your hands together and a big thank you to everybody on the streets of Galway.
17:44Now, it's time for some cracking stand-up.
17:48He's the Cork man living in the north and he's one of our favourite comedians.
17:52Everybody go nuts. It's Andrew Ryan!
17:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:58Where's the Jumper? Where's the Jumper? Where's the Jumper? Where's the Jumper? Where's the Jumper? Where's the Jumper?
18:05It's all right, it's time to take your man and get back out of you.
18:08You have to watch the Jumper, please.
18:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:12Hello, how are we all doing? Are we all good?
18:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:18Good to be here, ladies and gentlemen. My name's Andrew. It's great to be back in Ireland.
18:21I spent 16 years living over in England. Moved back home when I got parole.
18:26And loved living over in England. England was a great place to live.
18:30I'll tell you what happened to me when I was living in England. Jeez, you couldn't write it, lads.
18:33You couldn't write it, right? I nearly got married, right? Nearly married an English one.
18:37Jeez, you couldn't bring it home, lads. You couldn't.
18:40She was a lovely girl, lovely girl. Very challenging relationship because she had two kids from like
18:46previous nights out. And you couldn't bring it home to the mother in Cork.
18:54But I'm from Cork now, right? And I live up the north. I live in Belfast. That's where I live.
18:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. And people always say to me, like, especially my brothers,
19:02I was like, what are you doing up there, like? They're mad up there, like. Right?
19:06And if you know me on a personal level, you know that I'm a massive fan of tension within the community,
19:12right? Absolutely love it up there, lads, right? It's grey crack, right? Why am I up there?
19:17I'm up there because of a woman. I was stalking, right? And she calls me her little baby reindeer.
19:25And, er... But I won, so it's okay.
19:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:30That's right. That's right. Happy days. Happy days. I love it up there. It's grey crack.
19:37Now, when you're from the south and you go on a date with somebody from the north,
19:40cos we met online, right? When you're from the south and you go on a date with somebody from the north,
19:43right? Sometimes you can be a bit ignorant to the ways of the north sometimes, right?
19:46And I was on a date with Julie. We met online, right? First date, Sunday afternoon.
19:50You don't give them a Saturday night. They might not look like the picture. OK?
19:55Second date, I went to the pub, had a few drinks, all going well. Lips were loose. Lips were loose.
20:02Andrew starts asking a couple of questions. I said, come here.
20:08Which one are you now?
20:11Is it Boxing Day or St. Stephen's Day? Like, which day is it?
20:14And she went crazy. She was like, really? Really? You want to find out what my identity is, Andrew?
20:19Well, actually, the identity issue in the north is being resolved through the Good Friday Agreement, right?
20:21And I don't like the fact you're coming up from the south, listening to the southern media, OK?
20:25Trying to pitch your ideas of pitching one community versus another community,
20:27when actually both communities here get on really well.
20:29It's just extremism on the both sides that actually get on with it.
20:31And I don't like the fact that we're on a second date,
20:33and I'm trying to get to know you on a personal level.
20:35And I thought, Jesus, feck it. She's British, like. She has to be British.
20:38Because if she was Irish, she'd be like, Mayo for Sam, or something like that.
20:51I'm like, you'll never see that.
20:55But it's great, right? So we're together now. Judy's great. She's absolutely brilliant, right?
20:58And it was her birthday recently, right? I'm not going to lie, guys.
21:01Absolutely knocked it out of the park, right? Knocked it out of the park. You'd be so proud of me, right?
21:05It's her birthday recently. I thought, what am I going to do? What am I going to do for her birthday?
21:08I thought it'd be a great crack. Do you know what I did?
21:10For her birthday, my girlfriend from Northern, my wife from Northern Ireland,
21:14I got her the Irish passport application, right?
21:17I thought, oh, a little bit of freedom of movement, right?
21:21I thought, oh, and I got her the little card as well, you know, the 60 euro card.
21:25Little touch, little touch, little touch.
21:28Because we were going on a holiday to Greece, and I wanted to go on a holiday with her.
21:32I didn't want to pick her up on immigration on the way back, like, do you know what I mean?
21:36So I got her the Irish passport, right? And I said, there you go, babe, there's your passport.
21:40She's like, oh, no, got me Irish identity now. Got me Irish identity, got me British identity.
21:44Oh, my God. Oh, I've always loved, I've always loved being Irish.
21:48I love boys on, big fan of boys on, right? Oh, I've got me Irish identity, got me British identity.
21:53I've got my two identities now. I said, yeah, catching up with your personalities.
21:56Look at this. It's great, isn't it? Right?
21:58So she's delighted with her Irish identity now, right? She loves it, right?
22:02So we were at home one day, she was annoying me. She was still walking around or something like,
22:07you know what I mean, right? So we're at home one day. I thought, you know what, she's wrecking me
22:10head, right? So I decided, two days before we go on holiday, I hid the Irish passport, right?
22:17Hit it on her. She's walking around the house, panicking. She says, where's my Irish passport,
22:20Andrew? Where's my Irish adaline? Can't find me. I love splitting the G. Where's my Irish adaline,
22:25Andrew? Day before we're going on holiday, I took it on. I went, oh, there you go. She goes,
22:30what did you, where was it? I goes, I just hit it on you. She goes, why is that? I goes,
22:33wanted you to know what it's like from somebody from the north when your Irish identity is taken
22:37away, right? So there you go. So we got divorced last week, right? But it's great. Like, it's really
22:55good, right? She's a lovely girl. She's the best thing about me, right? But I don't know,
22:57as I get older now, like what happens is when I'm watching the news and stuff, I'm sure you're all
23:01like this. You turn on the news and you go, ah, turn it off, right? It's a bit tough, isn't it? But I
23:06tell you something, more, the more I live back in Ireland, the more I love being Irish, right?
23:10Because we are amazing, right? Because I worry about us sometimes, right? Because I worry that,
23:14like, can you imagine, now, if we got invaded, lads, I'd be worried, like, because I don't think we
23:22could win a war just on the crack alone, like, do you know what I mean? You take some of the biggest
23:28armies in the world, right? You've got the American army, the Chinese army, the Indian army, right?
23:32Absolutely massive armies. What do we have? We don't even have a thing called the army. It's called
23:38the defence forces, right? We'll just defend, we'll be like, out, the lot of you, out. Turn around
23:45and get out, right? Get me a chair, put it up against the door there, will you? Jesus, it's like,
23:49it's like trying to give your granny a brandy a Christmas. She's like, oh no, will you go away,
23:52leave me an army now, right? Now, I'm a hundred percent Irish and I love being Irish, but I tell
23:57something, lads. Tell something, lads. I'll be watching the British telly sometimes and I see
24:01the adverts for their army and tell you something, lads. They're sexy. Like, they turn you like.
24:10Have you seen them? Can you make split-second decisions? Do you want to be the best, train
24:14with the best, born in England, made in the Royal Navy? I'm like, I'll fucking take a bullet for the king,
24:20lads. And his sausage fingers. I definitely would, lads. I learned this recently. Ireland has a navy.
24:33We've seven boats, lads. Oh, the dictators of the world are shitting themselves now, aren't they?
24:40We have seven ships, seven vessels and their job is to go around the island, to go around the island.
24:47Now, I don't know if they go up the north, right? I haven't Googled it yet, right? So they go three
24:55quarters around the island, right? Or up the island. I'm a cross-community comedian, pick your side,
25:00lads, right? And their job, and I didn't know this, when I go to bed at night on my lovely warm pillow,
25:06there's men and women out there on the water, away from their own families, four or five weeks at a
25:13time protecting our country. They're away from their own families, riding each other.
25:20Oh, they're all at it, just like the guards and the teachers.
25:23Oh, they love, oh, they live on out in the Atlantic Ocean. They love it, like.
25:37And they're away from, they're away from, away from their own families protecting our country.
25:42And I'm at home. And these people will never let us down if we ever get invaded.
25:46But only in Ireland would this happen. That one day, on the news, the government announced to the
25:51rest of the world that five of the ships were broken. What sort of a country announces to the
25:59rest of the world that their first line of defence is broken? Keep your mouth shut, lads!
26:07Tell them you have a hundred boats and say nothing, right? I know the UK have a policy to stop the
26:14boats. In Ireland, we can't even fecking start ours, like, you know. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an
26:26absolute treat to come to this place and to do this tonight. Thank you. My name's Andrew Ryan,
26:30I wish you the very best. Thank you.
26:49Right, now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the greatest quiz of all time. It's the Parish Quiz!
26:54Every week we invite two people on. We check their local knowledge. They represent our parish in the Parish Quiz.
27:03And our first parish this week is from Guidor in County Donegal and representing them is Lauren Furry.
27:08Lauren, how are you? I'm deadly. How are yourselves? I'm not too bad. What do you do with yourself, Lauren?
27:12You're studying, are you? I'm studying down a minute. I am going to be a teacher. You're going to be a teacher.
27:16Have you perfected the teacher debts there? Yes. So you walk in, they're all going, a load of transition years going mad.
27:22Oh, no, a primary teacher. Oh, a primary teacher. Oh, yeah. A load of sixth class going mad.
27:28I haven't tackled that yet, but the wee stair just... Right, just give them...
27:32Oh, that's, yeah. And have you got, like, your lines ready, been like, lads, your life,
27:35I don't mind, I didn't get paid on a Friday. It doesn't really work half the time, though. Right.
27:39I hope when I have kids... You're a bit stronger than that, Lauren!
27:45Tell us, anyway, what's life like in Guidor? Deadly. Obviously, best place on the earth.
27:49It does be hot in the here. I do love it. What's the light in the summer?
27:52You've nightclubs... Oh, summer's the best. Summer's the best.
27:54Like, to be fair, like, Guidorah during the winter.
27:58Yeah, summer's the best. Guidorah on a summer's day, I'm telling you, sunshine and...
28:02Fabulous. Yeah, Johnny's been there. In some spot, I went to the nightclub and everyone was speaking
28:06Irish, although, I mean, I think they were speaking Irish, they could have been speaking German.
28:09I actually met you in the nightclub. Did you? Yeah.
28:12Fair play. Tell on. Give it up for Lauren, everyone.
28:16Now, our second parish from the county of Galway is Mount Belieu and representing them is Michael Connolly.
28:26How are you, Michael? Mighty known yourselves.
28:28Unbelievable, lad. What's the story? What are you doing with yourself?
28:33I'm a postman. Nice.
28:35Yeah. Are you in a van or on a bike or what are you?
28:38Out on delivery on the van, yeah. You're a van man? Van man.
28:41Which do you prefer, the country or the town? Oh, the country. Why?
28:45Oh, so you can talk to people. Inside in the city, they won't talk to you.
28:49So, when you're doing the rounds delivering posts, you'd have a chat with all the lads?
28:52Ah, quite a few of them, yeah. Right. What would they be saying to you?
28:55Absolute anthem. The price of cattle, the price of sheep, did you get the turf in, everything.
29:01What do you got?
29:03Must take you 14 hours to deliver the post.
29:08Have air codes revolutionised everything? No.
29:12So, would you just know where everyone lives?
29:14Oh, you have a good book. Write all the names into the book and follow that like your bible.
29:18Right. Well, Mount Belieu, what else is going on? You've got a sheep shearing festival there, have you?
29:23Yeah, it's the second year of the European Sheep Shearing Festival.
29:27Contestants from New Zealand, Australia, Scotland, Wales, all coming into Mount Belieu for the weekend.
29:33Well, how would you describe that weekend? Raw.
29:35Well, best of luck tonight. Give it up for Michael, everybody.
29:41OK, it's time to knuckle down now, lads. Time to play the Paris quiz.
29:48We're starting with Guido and Lauren. Here is your question.
29:51How are you, Lauren? I'm here with your sister, Ciara. I'm standing outside Malloy's shop.
29:58And the question for you today is there's a car across the road in the Ghidorah colours.
30:02What make is the car?
30:03Across from Malloy's, I'm wondering if it's the same one they had for the...
30:07See, the Ghidorah boys are in the county finals, so I'm wondering if it's the same one that Donegal had for the All-Ireland final.
30:13Which was...
30:16Go on.
30:16It's the little... The cat, the cre...
30:18It's definitely a cat.
30:19Peugeot.
30:20What?
30:20Peugeot.
30:21A Peugeot.
30:22A Peugeot. Let's find out if you're right.
30:25And the answer? It's a Peugeot.
30:27So, you described it as...
30:38I took it on my car.
30:39Okay.
30:40Michael, are you ready?
30:42Let's go to Montbeilio for your first question.
30:46Hi Michael, Sean here from Montbeilio. I have a question for you.
30:49We have three sheep roaming around here.
30:52Which of these sheep met the New Zealand ambassador at the sheep shearing festival?
30:58Oh Lord.
31:00Which sheep met the New Zealand ambassador? Rainy, snowy or cloudy?
31:05Go cloudy.
31:06Why is that?
31:07Picking it off the top of my head.
31:10All right, let's go back to Sean and find out.
31:13And Michael, the answer is snowy of course.
31:19Right, we're back to Ghidorah. Here's your next question, Lauren.
31:22Hello Lauren, how you doing? This is Father Brian O'Farrie, the parish priest of Ghidorah.
31:26I'm outside Shenagh's here.
31:27And as you know, these luscious locks have been shaved for charities on a number of occasions.
31:33One of the nights we had a shave in here.
31:34My question to you, Lauren, is which Irish celebrity shaved these locks in Shenagh's?
31:40Which Irish celebrity shaved Father Brian's luscious locks?
31:44I only know this because I met him on Tory Island after, it was Tommy Tiernan.
31:49Tommy Tiernan?
31:50I'm hoping, I'm really hoping now, I might be wrong.
31:52Okay, well let's find out if you are right or wrong.
31:53And these luscious locks were shaved by the one and only Tommy Tiernan.
32:08Right, Michael, do you feel the pressure?
32:09No, come back. Let's go back to Mount Bellew.
32:17Hello, Michael, Tony here from the Malthouse Players.
32:20The Malthouse Players did a very successful play last May.
32:25What was the name of that play?
32:28The Malthouse Players?
32:29Come on, Michael, you're a postman, you always deliver.
32:31Come on, you're not on Mount Bellew.
32:33What play did the boys put on?
32:38He had me without. I haven't a clue.
32:41Take a guess.
32:42The field.
32:42The field.
32:43The field.
32:43Right.
32:45And the answer is The Real McCoy.
32:52You thought it was...
32:55He says to me.
32:56I thought it was Magic Mike, yeah.
32:57Yeah.
32:59You're not.
33:00I think not less from the lads.
33:01Right, Lauren and Guido, here's your next question.
33:03Hello, Lauren.
33:06It's Connie here from the area of Guido Pets Zoo in Guidoor.
33:09How much do we charge for a food bag of animal feed
33:13to go out and feed the animals while you're at the zoo?
33:16No, well, you're now at the zoo in Guidoor, which I never knew there was.
33:18Um, how much is a bag of animal feed?
33:21Jesus, I don't know, like 50 cent?
33:23Euro? 50 cent? Euro?
33:25Pick one.
33:25Pick one.
33:2750? 50?
33:2850?
33:2975?
33:2950?
33:30I don't have to lock in the door.
33:32I don't have to lock in the door.
33:3350 cent she says.
33:3475?
33:3475?
33:35Let's find out if you're right.
33:36Remember, if you get this one right, you are this week's parish quiz winner, Lauren.
33:40And the answer is, Lauren, it's 50 cent a bag.
33:43Give it up for this week's winner of the parish quiz, Lauren Ferdinand.
33:55Okay, lads, remember.
33:58You've got two envelopes here.
34:01Right, Lauren?
34:02This is how it works.
34:03Johnny B's holding two envelopes.
34:04In one of those envelopes is an all-expenses paid trip to Las Vegas.
34:12In the other is a bag of the aforementioned animal feed.
34:16A whole 50 cents worth.
34:18What's it going to be, Lauren?
34:19What envelope are you going for?
34:20I don't know.
34:21Do you want to give me a hint?
34:21Just grab one.
34:22You've got to pick one.
34:23You can do it.
34:23Yeah.
34:25I'm going to go for it that one.
34:26Okay.
34:27Right, Lauren, open the envelope.
34:28Let us know.
34:29Good luck, Lauren.
34:30Good luck.
34:30I really hope it.
34:31I really hope it.
34:31A bag of animal feed.
34:33Show the people what you've won.
34:33A bag of animal feed.
34:34A bag of animal feed.
34:39Okay, give it up for Lauren and Michael, everyone.
34:44Now, still to come, we will have music from Chase and Abi.
34:47We'll have loads more fun and games.
34:48Join us after a break.
34:49Chase and Abi, try some play on this out.
34:50Go on, boys.
34:51Here we go.
34:52Come on, boys.
35:20go on, boys.
35:21Oh my Johnny, oh my Johnny, don't you leave me.
35:23Oh my Johnny, oh my Johnny, oh my Johnny.
35:28Oh my Johnny, oh my Johnny, oh my Johnny.
35:30Oh
35:46Hello and welcome back to the two Johnny's late night lock-in you played a match at the weekend
35:50Yeah, I did like tough game and you got injured both badly. I heard you were bedridden several times and once in a van
36:00Let's get off of the show. Now to choose our next guest we go live to Seamus the Sheep
36:05Right what's Seamus serving up for us?
36:07Is it gonna be look at Seamus? He's looking well isn't he? Is it gonna be Phil Collins, Roddy Collins or Michael Collins?
36:15Michael Collins will be a tough get these days lads. Who is it John? It is of course Roddy Collins!
36:30All right
36:35Come on
36:37Take a seat, take a seat
36:39How are you Johnny? What's the crap?
36:41Welcome to the bar, how are you?
36:43Thank you very much
36:44Well, how am I?
36:45You look lovely and tanned and relaxed
36:48Are you way?
36:49Tanned and relaxed, well I've a bottle of wine in me so that's the relaxed thing to do
36:53And the town part is I spend the most of my time in Spain
36:56Over, you're over there a good bit?
36:58A good bit, people say you're living out there, no
37:00Right
37:01I grew up seven months, come back five times, I'm back out on Tuesday morning
37:05It's a bit like living there, Roddy
37:07It's a bit, I know but you have to watch the old tax man
37:13You don't want the fella with the suitcase knocking at the door
37:16Like years ago when I was a builder, he knocked it down, he said
37:20I'm from the Revenue, I said are you?
37:22I said what can I do with you?
37:23He says I'm looking for 20 grand, I said come in and we all have a good look for that
37:28Right, and we'd know you as a football manager
37:32But before you were managing, you played for 19 different clubs you played for
37:38Are you a bit of a, I didn't even know that
37:42You got a few bad injuries though did you?
37:43I did, I got four broken legs in my career, well I could go through a list of things
37:48Were they all your own?
37:49They were all your own
37:51They weren't in the one day, I broke my leg
37:54Didn't play for three years, so I lost three years in my career
37:58And then when I came back, I was struggling to get going again
38:02Like three years in football when you're 18 is a lifetime, they are your years when you're going to make it
38:08So when I came back I was struggling to get going again and then
38:12Just playing in the J team at Bowls, I was coming in at half time one day and the phone rang
38:16In the hall, it was an extension phone, is that what you call it?
38:19Yeah
38:19We picked it up, hello, how are you doing? Yeah, Irish Independent
38:24Yeah, what was the score of that game?
38:25I said, yeah, Trinity College 1, Bohemians 3
38:30Who was the score of that? Collins 3
38:32No internet, no way of checking it out
38:36So I wait by that phone every second, me, Collins 2
38:39So, every Monday morning in the end though, I was walking on building sites
38:44I was called the goal machine, so I wasn't scoring goals at all
38:46But then it went around the whole country
38:48Did you play with any legends, Nolik?
38:50George Best
38:52But that was when I was 17 at Fulham
38:56But I only played in and around the training ground
38:58And he was a superstar
39:00Yeah
39:01And I remember being there and getting picked one day in a training session with the crew of superstars
39:08And he was my idol as a kid, from when I was 8, he was on my wall
39:12Yeah
39:12And I remember, you know, when you meet an idol, I don't know, I didn't know how to cope
39:17You know, and I was looking at him, he was like a god
39:19And then when we went training, I'm going, I didn't know what to call him
39:23We were all going, bestie, Georgie, Georgie
39:25And I'm going, bestie, he looked over, bestie, Georgie
39:29I went into a bleeding friend, I was like, bestie, Georgie
39:32Every ball I got a call from, every ball I got a pass to him
39:35And then I realised, he wasn't even on my team
39:40So, Fulham lasted about 10 days
39:42I was going to get bestie's idol out of here
39:45But look, yeah
39:46You mentioned as well, like, when you were playing, that you were working on the building sites as well
39:50Yeah
39:50I mean, how was that, first of all, working on the building sites?
39:54I loved it
39:55I loved building sites, but I wanted to be a footballer
39:57I remember playing in a European game
39:59And we played out in Belgium
40:01And I got off a scaffolding on a Monday
40:04Right?
40:05And I got on a flight on a Tuesday with the squad
40:07And we arrived out in Brussels
40:10Went out in a big, shiny stadium
40:1230-odd thousand people there, you know
40:14Played against this team, and they battered us out of the ground
40:17They battered us, right?
40:18And I was a striker
40:19And I remember the fella be serving me, I won't name him
40:22Lazy swine he was, Michael O'Connor, right?
40:24Anyway, Michael
40:26I remember we were playing, and they battered us
40:29And Michael turns to me and he goes
40:30Aw, jeez, thanks be to God
40:33He says, it's eight o'clock, this is nearly over
40:35I said, Michael, that's the scoreboard
40:37I want to know
40:39How did you go from playing then into management?
40:45I don't know
40:48I was playing up the north of Ireland up in Bangor
40:51Where Andrew lives, right up in Bangor
40:55And I just came off the pitch one day
40:57And I was 33 years of age
40:58And the chairman called me, he says
41:00Rod, the man's not resigning, will you take over?
41:03I said, yeah, no problem
41:05I said, no problem to anything
41:06No problem
41:07And then I realised, I'd never done this before
41:09I never even stood up in front of a crowd before
41:11Other than in a pub or on a bilset having to crack
41:14So mate, I'll never forget it
41:16For the whole week
41:17Before with Dove Takeo's manager
41:18I was in the mirror
41:19Tried to look important
41:23Doing team talks and all sorts
41:25Anyway, I arrived up late
41:26And I walked in and see all you people
41:29I walked into 20, 40 eyes looking at me
41:32Yeah
41:32And I panicked
41:33And I was in the jacks
41:35And the wind was about that size
41:37And I said, if I could throw out that wind
41:38And they'd never see me again
41:40But anyway, I turfed it out
41:42Flight or fight, is that what you call it?
41:43Yeah
41:43Turfed it out, blah, blah, blah
41:45It doesn't really matter
41:46I ended up being very successful at bowls
41:48Yeah
41:48And then I got tapped into a few clubs in England
41:51And one of them was Carlyle United
41:52So when you go in to meet the Carlyle players then
41:55Day one, when you're managing them
41:56How did you get on with them?
41:57My first impressions is everything
41:58Yeah
41:59In life, everything
42:00You just have to be yourself
42:02And then
42:03I see
42:04They told me the centre forward
42:05Big blondie fella, right?
42:06So I'm watching them train
42:08And they're doing a running session
42:09This fella's running
42:10Keeps looking at me
42:11And he's running
42:11He's looking at me
42:12And I went
42:12He's a great attitude
42:13Hey, big man
42:14Come here
42:15Come here
42:16I said, I like your attitude
42:17Great, you know
42:18I said, I was a centre forward
42:20See you
42:21I said, you're going to get me 20 goals this season
42:24I said, we're going to play it simple for you
42:25Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
42:26Okay, boss, okay, boss
42:28Okay, Garford
42:28That's all
42:29They say, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes
42:30Because they need a contract
42:31So I was delighted
42:33So we went back over to all the lads
42:34They're all
42:34Having a great
42:36And I thought, that's it
42:38I mean
42:38I went into the reception
42:40Of the football club
42:41And I looked around
42:41He was a big goalkeeper
42:42There he was
42:43He thought I was
42:45I dug me seven to the biggest hole
42:48On my birthday
42:49But I dug me seven out
42:51Because
42:51We've done all right
42:52On the sideline then, Rod
42:53Were you
42:53Were you cool, calm and collected?
42:56Personified
42:56I don't know if that's
42:58I don't know if that's
43:00I don't know if that's entirely true, Roddy
43:01Have a look at this
43:01Push on the last one
43:06Don't stand already
43:09I'm only fucking 10 minutes in the ground
43:11For fuck's sake
43:12I'm 10 minutes in the ground
43:15You asked me to step back in
43:16Don't annoy me
43:18Don't fucking annoy me
43:19Where is it?
43:22Where is it?
43:23Where is it?
43:24Oh, look, that is it
43:25Don't start me off now
43:27Don't start me off
43:29Yeah, you started it
43:32Tell your mother on you
43:35That would be class as bullying if I didn't know that kid
43:46I knew him
43:47And he looked about 12
43:49Looking at your clips when you were managing
43:50You were always well-dressed
43:52Like, was it important to you?
43:54Oh, yeah
43:54Fashion
43:55Oh, yeah, 100%
43:56Not so much fashion
43:58Presentation
43:59You know what I mean?
44:00Like, you go in
44:01You go into a dressing room
44:03And you're pristine
44:04And you've grew up early
44:05And you've done it right
44:06And all that players will say
44:07Well, he's made a huge effort
44:08That's the forced thing
44:10Right, and then the second is
44:11Louis Coburn gave him the clothes for nothing
44:13And he's still giving it even nothing
44:19And when you're getting, like, immaculately dressed
44:21Would Caroline have a say
44:22I know your wife
44:23In what you're going to wear?
44:24Yeah, yeah
44:24She's how you're gorgeous
44:25Well, we've got to show you
44:29No, no, no
44:29No, Caroline had said to me years ago
44:31She said to me years ago
44:31Where are you going all dressed up?
44:34You're about to be back here
44:35Boy, half eleven
44:36There's Caroline
44:37Oh, no
44:38It's me old pal
44:39Yeah, we've done since we're 15, you know
44:41Come here
44:4142 years
44:43You're married
44:4342 years
44:44What's the secret to a happy marriage?
44:46Your hair is absolutely gorgeous
44:48See that dress
44:50You look brilliant
44:51And there's not a pick on you
44:53Now, fellas
44:54Trust me
44:55See when you go out and have two drinks
44:57A book around the basin
44:59Right
44:59You come back
45:00You grovel
45:01You apologise
45:02And take you three days
45:03You're back in the big bed
45:04Just
45:05What do you want to know?
45:11If the Ireland job came up, lads
45:12Will we give Roddy a twist?
45:14Yay!
45:15Yay!
45:15Yay!
45:16Yay!
45:16Okay, Roddy
45:18Roddy
45:18Hang on now
45:19If you were asked to take the Ireland job
45:22What's the first thing you do?
45:23I'd start winning the game straight away
45:25Well, I'd make them run around a little bit more
45:29And I'd make them run up their sleeves a little bit more, you know
45:31And, yeah, look
45:33I think the man that's there is a good tactician
45:35And all that
45:35But I would give
45:36Roy Kinghan
45:38And Damien Duff that job
45:39If that man leaves
45:41I like him
45:41I think he's a pure gentleman
45:42But if he doesn't do it
45:44I would give it to them two, lads
45:45And I think we'd have a great chance
45:47Come on, Roddy
45:48And I'll be back
45:50Lads, put your hands together for the legend that is Roddy Collins
45:58Alright, let's play another game of We Aren't Family
46:01Remember, lads, one person out there isn't actually part of the family
46:03And your job is to spot the impostor
46:05Let's go back to the streets of Galway
46:07Okay, just by looking at him, Roddy
46:09You're part of a big family
46:10Who jumps out there?
46:11Who is not in the family?
46:13Four
46:14Why four?
46:15That's not the mother
46:17That's not the mother
46:18That's not the mother
46:19Oh, that's not the mother
46:20Ah, she's
46:21Andrew, that girl's only 30 years of age
46:23No, no, no
46:24Four, definitely four, she's not the mother, no
46:25Okay, let's get us also
46:26Kids are too tall
46:27Hey, Karen, what do you reckon?
46:28Oh, they're the image, that too
46:29They look alike, yeah
46:30Yeah, the height
46:31Now, three
46:33Oh, oh, three or four
46:35Three is very tall
46:37Audience
46:38Five
46:39Right, Karen, we'll give you a better look
46:41Let's get them dancing, lads
46:47Both lads have hands in the pockets
46:48Five
46:49Five
46:50Five
46:51Five
46:52Five
46:53She's breaking it though
46:56All right, cut the music, lads
47:02All right, lads, the moment of truth
47:04Would the real impostor please step forward?
47:07Five
47:08Five
47:09Five
47:14Oh my god
47:15I thought she looks so like number one
47:16Number two, what's your name?
47:17And do you know this family?
47:18Have you ever met them?
47:19Have you ever met them?
47:20Uh, no, my name's Lauren and I'm the decoy, or I'm not part of this family
47:25Well, you are now Lauren, go back and meet your family
47:27Give it up for Lauren and the O'Neill's in that way
47:37Unfortunately, that's all we have time for
47:39Give it up for all our guests
47:41For Karen Byrne, for Roddy Collins and Brando Ryan
47:43And now to pay us out, all the way from County Ufalia
47:51It's Jason Abbey
47:52It's Jason Abbey
47:53Yeah
47:55Hey
47:56I'll be here
47:58I'll be here
47:59I'll be here
48:00I'll be here
48:01I'll be here
48:02Oh
48:32Oh
49:02Oh
49:32Oh
49:34Oh
49:36Oh
49:38Oh
49:40Oh
49:42Oh
49:44Oh
49:48Oh
50:02Oh
50:04Oh
50:06Oh
50:08Oh
50:10Oh
50:12Oh
50:14Oh
50:16Oh
50:18Oh
50:20Oh
50:22Oh
50:24Oh
50:26Oh
50:28Oh
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