- 18 hours ago
Family Guy Season 23 Episode 18 Twains World br EnglishMovie cdrama drama engsub chinesedramaengsub movieshortfull
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00:00It's violence in movies and sex on TV
00:03But where are those good old-fashioned values
00:06On which we used to rely?
00:09Lucky is a family guy
00:13Lucky is a man who wants what he can do
00:16All the things that make us
00:18Heffin' cry
00:20He's a family guy
00:25So, that's how I wound up smoking opium
00:32With Irma Bombeck
00:34But enough of my stories
00:35We're here to tell yours
00:37Brian Griffin, you're up
00:39Sorry, I'm not quite ready
00:40I guess the me ate my homework
00:44Do you even have an idea?
00:47Okay, a dog who's in a writing class
00:50Desperately needs an idea at 2.43pm
00:54No, that's not an idea
00:56You're just describing what's happening
00:58Right, what about the boy with the dragon tattoo?
01:02You ought to be a writer, Brian, hmm?
01:04I need an idea that tears your heart out of your chest
01:08Something so real and true
01:11If you can't express it, you'll die
01:13Okay, I got it
01:15The Karate Adult
01:17Brian, writing isn't just words or lazy references
01:21Or marrying Noah Baumbach
01:23And having him do everything for you
01:25It's adventure
01:26Love
01:27Intrigue
01:28Life
01:29And until you live it
01:31You have no business here
01:32Please turn in your scarf and leave
01:37Okay, next up
01:38Joe Swanson
01:39A dedication for Bonnie
01:41Bonnie lay dead in a pool of blood
01:43Detective Bo Bonson held the gun and whispered
01:46Who can't walk now?
01:48Now that's writing!
01:50Hi, I'm the CEO of Bud Light, here to apologize
01:58We violated your trust when we gave five cans of beer to a trans woman last year
02:03You protested and we learned
02:05Light beer is the cornerstone of your heterosexual identity
02:08Counting calories and watching our figures, it's what guys do
02:12So we have a simple plan to win you back
02:14Prove to us you've always had a penis and we'll give you free beer
02:18Just bring a naked baby picture to wherever Bud Light is sold
02:21And flash your current genitals
02:23If they're both penises, you get a six pack on us
02:27Bud Light! Wow! How did we get here?
02:30Hey Brian, were you able to invent an entire novel on the spot?
02:34No, I totally blanked
02:36What am I missing?
02:37How did all these great writers from the past get their ideas?
02:40When did we get a bookcase?
02:42I know I have something amazing to say, I just don't know what it is
02:45Huh, kinda sounds like you don't have anything to say
02:47What do you think it is?
02:48What do I think you have to say?
02:50I bet I could get over my writer's block
02:52If I could just step away from all the noise
02:54And get inside the minds of the greats
02:56Dostoyevsky, Hemingway, Twain
02:58Are you gonna name a woman?
02:59Jules Verne
03:00That's a guy, you turd
03:02It is?
03:03God, must have been so tough to date back then
03:06Jules?
03:07Ashley?
03:08Well this was a waste of a nose gay
03:10The 19th century
03:12Most gay stuff was accidental
03:18I tell you what
03:19How about I take you back in the time machine
03:21We meet some of the greats
03:22And they can help get your writing on track
03:24You'd do that for me?
03:25Of course I would, old friend
03:29I'm bringing a nose gay for Ashley
03:31She sounds so hot
03:33This guy wrote a gospel
03:45And the bible is the most popular book of all time
03:47So he's got to have some good advice
03:49Luke can see you now
03:51Welcome, gentlemen
03:52If I knew you guys were coming
03:54I'd have taken a shower four months ago
03:56So Bathsheba said you're a writer?
03:58Yeah, and I'd love to know your secrets
03:59Just take big swings, man
04:01Don't be afraid
04:02Like right now
04:03I'm working on this sci-fi thing
04:04About a guy
04:05Mom's a whore
04:06Friends betray him
04:07He gets whacked
04:08Three days later
04:09He comes back to life
04:10He's running around like a zombie hippie
04:11No offense
04:12It sounds like a bit of a mess
04:13Who cares?
04:14The entire audience is just staring at their sundials anyway
04:21How was I able to focus
04:23To write David Copperfield
04:24A Tale of Two Cities and Oliver Twist?
04:26Well
04:27Writing is the only distraction
04:29From how literally everything in London reeks of feces
04:32You should simply stool on your desk
04:34Then you'll have no choice but to write to avoid the stench
04:38You're not going to remember that?
04:46If you or someone you know is struggling with depression
04:48Oh yeah, someone's really not gonna kill themselves
04:50Because a cartoon dog said don't
04:58If you wanna be a writer
04:59I always say
05:00Never put off till tomorrow
05:02What you can do the day after tomorrow
05:05So good
05:06Just dead on, man
05:07Feels like a wine mom apron to me
05:09But what do I know?
05:10Suppose you were an idiot
05:12Now suppose you were a member of Congress
05:14But I repeat myself
05:16Haha
05:17Oh man, we are both on fire right now
05:19Both?
05:20Well, Mr. Twain
05:21We have to go back
05:23To the future
05:24Yeah, brah
05:25He's not gonna know that one
05:26I must confess
05:27I'm not surprised to meet time travelers
05:29I'm actually working on a story
05:31About a Connecticut Yankee
05:33Being magically transported into King Arthur's Court
05:36Oh, word
05:37Oh, word
05:38It's a searing take-down of Merlin the wizard
05:41Just tears Merlin to shreds
05:43I don't know how Merlin ever recovers
05:45After being hit by the Twain train
05:47Feels like we're winding down here
05:49Before you leave
05:50May I cadge another one of those wondrous cigarettes?
05:54You know, giving up smoking is easy
05:57I've done it hundreds of times
05:59I have likewise, too, been addicted
06:02Perchance, forsooth and such
06:04Yes
06:05You've made a real ash of yourself
06:06Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
06:10I guess that makes me a bum bummin' butts from an ash
06:13Oh, we did it again
06:15He did it again
06:16I don't
06:17I'm setting him up perfectly
06:18Mr. Twain
06:19Crazy idea
06:20But would you like to come back to our time and write with me?
06:23Interesting proposal
06:25I suppose I should be hesitant
06:27But worrying is like paying a debt you might not even owe
06:31Mark Twain
06:32Did you just quote yourself?
06:34Yes, Mark Twain.
06:36So you'll do it?
06:37I'd love to see the future, and it'll give me a chance to proofread my new novel,
06:41The Adventures of Hankenberry Flan.
06:44You mean Huckleberry Finn?
06:45See? That's already better. I'll go fetch the manuscript.
06:50Brian, this is a terrible idea. We could change the course of history.
06:53You always say that, but doesn't history pretty much suck?
06:56I mean, the Crusades, Hitler, Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle?
07:00Again?
07:01Oh, like all of your wives are so much better.
07:11So, what do you think we should write about?
07:13Well, the best stories are all about a man and a boy going on an unsupervised journey.
07:18Yeah, for reasons too long to state here, we're gonna table that for a second.
07:22What if Merlin...
07:23Yeah, we're also gonna put a pin in Merlin.
07:25It's your grave, pal.
07:26Can you please focus? We need to write something spectacular.
07:29Fine. A character should say,
07:31If you don't like the weather in New England, wait a minute. It'll change.
07:37Well, that normally gets a huge laugh. Let's build the whole book around that.
07:41No, no. It's gotta be real and compelling and ripped from the headlines.
07:45Maybe something about a murdered woman.
07:47Why would anyone care if a woman died?
07:49Okay, the world's changed a lot in the past 150 years. We should probably catch you up on everything you've missed.
07:54In 1915, the first transcontinental telephone line was late.
07:58Soon after, the United States entered something called World War I.
08:02And then Germany was back at it again for something called World War II.
08:05And so Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon.
08:08Then Taylor Swift started dating Travis Kelsey, Trump was re-elected, and now we can say Merry Christmas again.
08:13So that's it. That's history.
08:14My goodness gracious. Wow. So can you tell me about that flesh flashlight again?
08:21From duct tape prototype to the CAD-engineered vibratory wonder of today,
08:25the story of the tug tube is really the story of America itself.
08:30I don't know why we invited Chris.
08:36Okay, what about a murder mystery? But instead of a whodunit, it's a whendunit.
08:41I hate that.
08:42A wherdunit?
08:42I wish you had dysentery, because at least then it would be coming out of the right hole.
08:48A mislead could be, it's Cheyenne, Wyoming.
08:50Well, if it's in Wyoming, there needs to be an engine.
08:53We don't really say that anymore.
08:54A big murderous engine who's a liar and a thief.
08:57He robs graves.
08:59I think more details just make it worse.
09:00And a slave who takes vacations with teenage boys.
09:04Okay, new thought.
09:05What if a QAnon terrorist steals the world's Ethereum, then gets murdered by an NFT?
09:10I have no idea what any of that is.
09:12Here, look it up.
09:13Does it have to be Ethereum?
09:15Could it be Dogecoin?
09:17Some of these women are powerful, attractive.
09:20What women?
09:20On this hub.
09:22This hub of pornographs.
09:24I need to use this outhouse for a moment.
09:26What is a Latina?
09:29It's like a regular woman, but different.
09:31I think I like it.
09:37Okay, imagine if the only fisherman in Phoenix, Arizona falls in love with a vegan.
09:42And for some reason, she has to eat fish to save his life.
09:45Oh, hang on.
09:46Stewie's texting me.
09:52Give me your phone.
09:53I want to look at stuff.
09:55No, we're here to work, and I know what you've been doing with my phone.
09:58I always say, find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never work a day in your life.
10:04And my job is looking at oily bazoombas.
10:06I brought you here to help me write a great novel, not masturbate.
10:11Novels are stupid and meaningless.
10:13I've been here a month and haven't seen anyone reading a book this entire time.
10:17The only thing that matters in this world is pornography.
10:21It makes everyone feel alive.
10:23No, literature is important.
10:25Your work convinced me to dedicate my life to writing.
10:28Brian, I lived at a time when you went to bed at sunset,
10:31lost your teeth at 19, and the highlight of your life was maybe tasting cinnamon.
10:37That's how all our great art was created,
10:39by undistracted people who could cultivate genius.
10:42We were all idiots.
10:44I'd seen nothing.
10:45I thought Hartford was amazing, and now I want to see it all.
10:49A woman with a penis, a man with a vagina,
10:52and other curios oddities and wonders.
10:55That last line was definitely not brought to you by Bud Light.
10:58Bud Light, we're making this way more complicated than it needs to be.
11:02Please keep your voice down.
11:04Why? These good people would assuredly agree with me.
11:07Raise your hand if you like novels.
11:10Now raise your hand if you like Latinas with giant shiny derrières.
11:17See? The worst masturbation is better than the best book.
11:21Brian, all I need in this world is a penis, a phone, and a place to stand.
11:26And I have two of the three.
11:28Give me your phone.
11:30No.
11:30Brian, as your friend, I'm demanding that you let me paddle my wheel.
11:35Absolutely not. The Mark Twain I know is better than this.
11:39Then you've left me no choice.
11:40My scum, my cake pop, my model egg sandwich to show everyone what an egg sandwich looks like.
11:54I love porn. I want to make porn. I want to be porn.
12:00Uh-oh.
12:01Hi. I'm thinking of ordering an egg sandwich, but I have no idea what it looks like.
12:12You turned one of the greatest writers in history into a porn addict, and now he's God knows where.
12:16I know. It's a real where-done-it.
12:19What?
12:19Nothing. It's just an idea Mark Twain was really high on before he left.
12:22Brian, you've now thrown history off course. This is a bigger disaster than when Mount Vesuvius erupted.
12:27Honey, I'm so glad you agreed to do Pilates with me today.
12:31Yeah. As long as no one ever finds out.
12:33No, it's just one class. It's not like you're going to be here forever.
12:35Mark Twain will be fine.
12:40Brian, he has yet to fall asleep without a lit cigar in his hand.
12:43Mark Twain the man isn't important to history. His work is, and we aren't going to lose that.
12:48What do you mean?
12:49He left the manuscript for Huck Finn. I already handed it in to my professor.
12:53The quality is undeniable. He'll pass it on to his publisher,
12:55and Huck Finn by Brian Twain Griffin will be as renowned as it ever was.
13:00You gave someone Huck Finn in this era?
13:02Smart, right?
13:03Yeah. Did you make any changes before you gave it to him?
13:05To Mark Twain's masterwork? Of course not.
13:08Brian, have you ever read Huck Finn?
13:10Actually, no. Why?
13:11I was more offended than I've ever been in my life, and then I read your book.
13:15You portrayed violence and didn't even have a trigger warning!
13:18You just said trigger warning without a trigger warning!
13:20You know I'm afraid of trigger warnings!
13:22The whole thing is just dripping with white privilege.
13:26I'm not white. My skin is like cow pattern.
13:28And it takes place on stolen land!
13:30Where do you think you're sitting now?
13:32Huck lives with two women, but you made them sisters instead of lesbian lovers.
13:36Why do you hate women?
13:37You had a grown man traveling with and clearly grooming a young boy.
13:41They were on an adventure!
13:42You're always hanging out with that baby!
13:44Are you grooming him?
13:45No!
13:46Plus, putting them on a raft?
13:48That's ableist, Brian.
13:49We all want to take the ride.
13:51The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is one of the finest novels ever written.
13:55It's a masterwork!
13:56Oh, there it is. The word master.
13:59You're worse than the school's shooter last year.
14:01At least he knew everyone's pronouns.
14:02I know you're a they.
14:04I'm a whom, you pig.
14:05There's whoms now?
14:06Yeah, and we're winning all the swimming races, so everyone's really mad about it.
14:10Because amateur swimming is super important.
14:13What do you think, Professor?
14:14Am I crazy, or is Huck Finn good?
14:16It's awful, Brian.
14:17And you're a disgrace.
14:18And not like Joe's flawed but ultimately redeemable anti-hero, Beau Bonson.
14:24No.
14:24Consider yourself canceled, expelled, and worst of all, banned from my webinars.
14:30All right, fine. I'll get out of your hair.
14:32Professor O'Callaghan, can I take five for mental health?
14:35Legally, I can't say no, so anyone who wants to take five for mental health, please feel free.
15:16Still done a wham-wham.
15:19Kenan's still here.
15:20Who are these people?
15:21Finally a cost for my generation.
15:23Thanks, Dewey.
15:24I feel a little better.
15:25We interrupt Peacock to bring you this special report.
15:28We can do that now.
15:29Hi, I'm Tom Tucker, here with a new cancellation corner, brought to you by Bud Light.
15:33Bud Light, screw it.
15:34We're touching the hot stove again.
15:38Local canine writer Brian Griffin had a rough day when he proudly handed in a racist,
15:43sexist screed to his writing class.
15:46Brian's cancellation knocks Casey Anthony off the list, so I have a call to make.
15:50I can't believe this.
15:51If Mark Twain was a better writer, I'd be a famous author.
15:54Now I'm ruined.
15:55That's your takeaway?
15:56You tried to steal his book.
15:57You really think you're all the victim here?
15:59Oh, come on.
15:59The one time Huck Finn doesn't work is when my name is on it?
16:02People are so anti-dog, it's insane.
16:05Guys, we have a bigger problem here.
16:07Your little stunt ruined porn.
16:10What are you talking about?
16:10Every movie is now just people saying stupid Mark Twain quips.
16:16It's better to keep your legs closed and let people think you're a fool than to open
16:21them and remove all doubt.
16:24The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in your mudroom.
16:28I'm not gonna buy my kids an encyclopedia.
16:31Let them walk to school like I did.
16:33That's not even Twain.
16:35He stole it from Yogi Berra.
16:37All right, that's it.
16:37We've got to bring Mark Twain back into the past and undo this whole thing.
16:41Fine, but how are we gonna find him?
16:42He's on the 1500 block of Balboa Avenue in Van Nuys, California.
16:47I have a condition called dead-ass burgers.
16:50It allows me to immediately identify where that ass at.
16:53All right, but how the hell are we supposed to get to California?
16:55Well, a pretty smart guy told me the best stories are about a man and a boy making an unsupervised
17:01journey.
17:02A man and a boy on an adventure
17:07Just like Mark Twain wrote about in her fin
17:10Is that his dad?
17:12No, it's a stranger
17:14I guess that was normal the time they were in
17:17People now just assumed there'd be molestation
17:22With a man and a boy
17:24That's a sad reflection where we are as a nation
17:29It's just a man and a boy
17:32In the olden days
17:34It was just what happened
17:36It was all made with boys
17:39Don't call the police
17:40Or worry the least
17:42Cause I talked to the man
17:44And he told me that he's not a priest
17:47If he was, that's a whole different story
17:50Man and a boy
17:53Man and a boy
17:54It's a man and a boy
17:56Just a man and a boy
17:58Man and a boy
18:00Man and a boy
18:02Let's not ask questions
18:04Let's all just enjoy
18:05The man with the boy
18:08Yeah!
18:11That whole time we just went 30 miles
18:13Yeah, we'll take a plane the rest of the way
18:16Mark?
18:21What happened?
18:23This industry chewed me up and spit me out
18:26Two weeks ago I was scarcely aware of my own hindquarters
18:30And now they've been stretched hither, thither
18:34And worst of all, yawn
18:36Oh man
18:37I can't help but think this is
18:39Maybe in some small way
18:40My fault
18:41Ow!
18:43I wish I could talk
18:44But I'm due on set at 11 o'clock
18:46In 1108
18:481119
18:491121
18:511127
18:52Brian, this is one of our great writers
18:56And now he's being used as a human Kleenex
18:58Wait, Mr. Twain
19:01My failures as a writer are my responsibility
19:03Not yours
19:04I don't want to ruin your life too
19:06Anyone can make pornography
19:07But only you can write your great books
19:10Please, let us bring you home
19:12Do you think I've gotten enough revenge on my father?
19:15Oh yeah, all that slutty stuff
19:16Yeah, you really showed him
19:17Well then I'll go
19:18Thanks for saving me
19:20You're good, man
19:21No, ew, ew, no, no
19:25Don't touch me
19:25You'll land in 1870
19:27Just step off and it's programmed to return here
19:30Hmm
19:30I guess you could say
19:32If you don't like the time you're in
19:34Wait a minute
19:34It'll change
19:36I maintain my deep conviction
19:39That that is hilarious
19:40Did he just grab a tug tube?
19:46Tonight's Family Guy was brought to you by Bud Light
19:48Bringing Mark Twain to the future
19:50To get him addicted to porn
19:51Was our idea
19:52Bud Light
19:53We can't stop doing sex stuff
19:56Well Brian, these dopes will never know
20:03We saved literary history
20:04Yep, thanks to us
20:05Quasi-offensive high school reading remains completely unchanged
20:09Hi, I'm Mark Twain V
20:11Here for the Twain Tube Emporium
20:13Uh-oh
20:14We've got the largest selection anywhere
20:16And we're conveniently located just 801 feet from most schools
20:20We pay cash for our new tubes
20:23Saving thousands of dollars a month in wholesale finance charges
20:26And we have the largest selection of used tubes on the east coast
20:30I can sell you new or used for far less because our costs are less
20:35But don't take my word for it
20:37Ask NASCAR legend Cooter Duncan
20:40I demand peak performance
20:42So when I've got to reach the finish line
20:44I make it a Twain
20:45You can trust Twain Tubes
20:47Man and boy operated since 1878
20:50That's gonna be pretty hard to undo
20:52Who took my Twain out of the dishwasher?
20:54Who took my Twain out of the dishwasher?
21:22You can trust Twain
21:25I just Conseguro
21:27To get this done
21:28I want to be pretty hard
21:29At least for my withdrawals
21:30When you butterflies
21:32And if you I'll always view transport
21:32You can trust somebody
21:33I don't show you
21:33It doesn't care
21:34You can trust
21:34I'm CJ
21:35I don't own
21:37I want to be more
21:37It doesn't matter
21:38You can trust versus
21:39You can trust
21:39You can trust
21:40Well, letê°€́§€
21:41I need you
21:42You can trust
21:44You can trust
21:47You can trust
21:48At least
21:49When you everyone
21:50Better
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