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Never Mind the Buzzcocks (2021) - Season 5 Episode 8 -
Christmas Special
Christmas Special
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FunTranscript
00:00.
00:29Welcome to Nevermind the Burst Cocks!
00:32It's the Christmas Special!
00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Christmas, it means something different to everyone, doesn't it?
00:40You might think tinsel, turkey, merriment,
00:42but I know what you really want.
00:44You want a Christmas show where the legal team
00:46have asked to remove a joke about Cliff Richard because,
00:48and I quote,
00:49on top of being bad taste, there were potential defamation issues.
00:52Yeah, well, you've hit the mother load here.
00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:59Joining Jamali on Noel's team tonight...
01:02It's not about the money, money, money...
01:04..a Brit awards-winning global superstar
01:06who has sung with Nicki Minaj and Ariana Grande
01:09and a singer who we at Buzzcocks have got a secret about
01:11that could ruin her. We must have.
01:13Otherwise, why is she here? It makes no sense.
01:16I don't know what she's done, but she's done something.
01:18What have you done? What have you done, Jessie J?
01:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:26And on Sophie's team tonight...
01:29When will I, will I be famous?
01:33..lead singer of the multi-platinum selling Bross,
01:36who's on record as saying he's water-skied with The Edge,
01:39he's played table tennis with Keith Richards,
01:41he's shared a scotch with Frank Sinatra
01:43and he's had lunch with Princess Diana.
01:45And tonight, he lands the big fish.
01:47He sits next to a pregnant woman from Bolton
01:50who told me that she once got drunk on a train
01:52with Dev from Coronation Street.
01:55He's done it! It's Matt Goss!
01:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:01And also on Sophie's team,
02:04an award-winning comedian and actor
02:06who is famous for Man Like Mo Bean.
02:08And I'm with him. Man do like Mo Bean.
02:10And this man likes Mo sausage, Mo bacon,
02:13stick a couple of hash browns on.
02:14You can keep your cooked tomato. Let's eat.
02:16It's the brilliant Gusskar!
02:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:24Christmas.
02:25Christmas.
02:26Christmas.
02:27Is it special to you all?
02:29You haven't done a Christmas show with us, Soph, before?
02:31I've not, no.
02:32They're your favourites, aren't they, lads?
02:34It's the worst one.
02:35Why is it the worst one?
02:37Quite the worst one.
02:38Are you not a Christmas fan?
02:40I've got to spend time with the family and stuff, haven't I?
02:42You already live with your mum.
02:44Yeah, I do live with your mum.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:47You've got to come out of your room, though.
02:49LAUGHTER
02:50You've got to get off the PlayStation for a while, haven't you?
02:52And do you know what the thing is?
02:53That's actually what pisses me off.
02:54I've got to get off the PlayStation for a while.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:56Jessie, do you like Christmas?
02:57You a big Christmas fan?
02:58I love Christmas.
02:59Great, innit?
03:00Yeah.
03:01I love it.
03:02November 1st.
03:03Halloween's done.
03:04I'd have thought it would have been the opposite for you.
03:06You look like a Halloween child.
03:07Well, you look like brother and sister.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:14But I've got a little baby, so I'm excited.
03:17Christmas is a whole new thing now.
03:18Ah, yeah.
03:19Is this the first Christmas?
03:20Yeah, the first one he understands.
03:21He's two, innit?
03:22Yeah, he's two and a half.
03:23So you didn't give him one last year?
03:24No.
03:25Definitely not.
03:26I've got a mate who has that policy with his children.
03:27No gifts, no celebrations until year two.
03:29That's fair.
03:30I get it.
03:31Yeah.
03:32I think that's fair.
03:33Because I know someone who threw a surprise party for a one-year-old.
03:35And I was just like, you know, you don't have to do that.
03:37You just pop up from behind a tea towel to surprise them.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:41Gus, you've got loads of kids.
03:43Is Christmas a big thing in your house or not?
03:45Love Christmas.
03:46Yeah?
03:47It's a time for me and my wife and five kids,
03:49and we've got this new forced tradition where,
03:52early on in the day, Tommy Robinson comes round
03:54and he does a protest in our front garden.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57Immigration and...
03:59You look full, innit?
04:00Islam and all that.
04:01Doesn't it fill your heart?
04:02It does, yeah.
04:03Obviously, none of that's true, but I wish it was,
04:05because Christmas is usually shit at our house.
04:07There's nothing going on.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:09Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Goss is here.
04:11Yeah, yeah.
04:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:14Matt, I was genuinely a massive Bross fan
04:17when I was at university.
04:18Right.
04:19It was our house song, I owe you nothing.
04:21And I want to bond with you now.
04:22I'll tell you this.
04:23Go on.
04:24I once had sex to that song.
04:25OK.
04:26I once had sex with a woman
04:27who threw a Marks and Spencer's Goodsbury fool on my penis.
04:29What?
04:30Licked it off like a big cat.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:34So, you've got a blowjob and dessert.
04:36LAUGHTER
04:41Christmas, big thing for you?
04:42I love Christmas,
04:43but I feel like coming back here after I've been in the States,
04:45it arrives in, like, October,
04:47and it's just too much.
04:48It's too much too soon.
04:49Yeah.
04:50You know, it's just... It's overkill for me.
04:51When do you want it to come?
04:52Like, December 15th.
04:55Really?
04:56That is very specific.
04:57That is a very quick lead-up.
04:58How do you fit it all in?
05:00Well, that's a very personal question, but...
05:02LAUGHTER
05:04There you go.
05:06One for the dad's name?
05:08Just with...
05:09Just with your thumb, innit?
05:10Yeah, yeah.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:12For me, at my age,
05:13just like an old marshmallow.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16You've both done versions of Silent Night, right?
05:18Have we?
05:19Can we have some live Silent Night?
05:21Oh, God.
05:22Is that the show?
05:23CHEERING
05:24We did it in the same key.
05:26Let's find out.
05:27Let's come,
05:29your heart is bright.
05:32Round yon virgin,
05:37mother and child.
05:41Holy infant,
05:45tender and mild.
05:49It's high.
05:50SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE
05:56SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE
06:02SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE
06:04LAUGHTER
06:06APPLAUSE
06:11Beautiful.
06:12That's what it looks like.
06:13I feel like me and God should have wrapped at the end.
06:15LAUGHTER
06:16Yeah, you rap our beatbox.
06:18Yeah.
06:19Between us.
06:20I think that's the one connection no-one ever wants to see,
06:22is you and me rapping.
06:24I can beatbox.
06:25So, can you rap while Sophie beatboxes?
06:27No, I can't.
06:28Just for me, let's crack it.
06:29No, I can't.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:31I'm just giving you one, yeah.
06:33Sorry, I'm just going to lay back.
06:35I'm just giving him a beatbox.
06:37Hold on, let's have a little bit of beatboxing.
06:38All right.
06:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:41I need to be stood up, I think, actually.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:45BOOT
06:46BOOT
06:47BOOT
06:48BOOT
06:49BOOT
06:50BOOT
06:51BOOT
06:52BOOT
06:53BOOT
06:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:56I lost that note.
06:58It was a snap and go.
07:00Watching a pregnant northern woman beatbox,
07:02that round of applause was the definition of charity.
07:05It was, yeah.
07:06OK, shall we crack on with the show?
07:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:10Here we go.
07:11The first question is for Sophie's team.
07:13And, unsurprisingly, guess what?
07:15It's about Christmas music legends.
07:17Take a look at this.
07:19When love was gone to you
07:22All I want for Christmas is you
07:28It's the season
07:30Love and understanding
07:33Merry Christmas, everyone
07:36Christmas time
07:39Mistletoe and wine
07:42Children singing Christmas
07:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:49APPLAUSE
07:50That was Mariah Carey shaking Stevens
07:55and the smell of TCP on your dying grandma's skin,
07:58Cliff Richard.
07:59LAUGHTER
08:00Sophie's team, can you tell me which one of these Christmas legends
08:07has created an absolutely insane Christmas recipe?
08:11Is it...
08:12Cliff Richard has a special Christmas gravy
08:14that consists of eight stock cubes, two beef, two chicken,
08:18two lamb and two vegetable.
08:20He tops it off with teriyaki sauce and Worcester sauce
08:23along with some fried onions.
08:24And if you think that sounds mad,
08:26he freezes jugs a bit
08:28so that his family don't miss out.
08:30LAUGHTER
08:31Or is it...
08:32B.
08:33Whilst appearing on a festive edition of Sunday Brunch,
08:36Shakin Stevens made gingerbread
08:37iced with chicken liver pate.
08:39He told Simon Rimmer
08:41The idea popped into my head.
08:43Next thing you know,
08:44I was slaughtering one of my hands.
08:46When the panel tried Shakey's creation,
08:48got one dry heaved so hard
08:49they had to cut to a break.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:53Or was it C.
08:54In 2006, Mariah Carey revealed
08:57she makes seafood Christmas puddings.
09:00I substitute the raisins for caviar,
09:02the candied peel for prawns
09:04and the brandy for tuna brine.
09:06However, in 2024,
09:08she admitted she hadn't made one for years,
09:10saying,
09:11I'm in a much better place now mentally.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:14APPLAUSE
09:16There you go, Sophie's team.
09:18One of those, incredibly, is true.
09:20Cliff sounds less weird now.
09:22Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
09:24Yeah.
09:25So, obviously, you try and decipher
09:26what people are cooking
09:28by maybe, like, cultural heritage, right?
09:30Yeah.
09:31That's the way I'm looking at it.
09:32So, Cliff Richard, is this uncle, um...
09:34He's just straight up...
09:35Uncle.
09:36White uncle?
09:37What?
09:38Sorry.
09:39I'm sorry, George.
09:40I didn't expect to be asking this.
09:41Do you know who Cliff Richard is?
09:42Yeah, but...
09:43Yeah, I've seen him.
09:44He was the guy with the nice hair just now, yeah?
09:46That's the guy with the nice hair.
09:47But is he...
09:48Because he looks a little bit, like, ambiguous.
09:49You get what I'm saying?
09:50Yeah, he's got...
09:51He's got that David Dickerson tan.
09:52Yeah.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:54Where you got, like...
09:55You second look at him, you go,
09:56Hey, wait a second.
09:57Yeah, he's...
09:58Should I be saying...
09:59Should I be saying...
10:00Should I be saying, hello, uncle,
10:01or hello, uncle?
10:02Like, I don't...
10:03To me, that sounds the same.
10:04Does it sound the same?
10:05Let me do it one more time.
10:06Hello, uncle.
10:07Hello, uncle.
10:08There you go.
10:09There you go.
10:10Wow, I could watch this all night.
10:12Sorry, you're not sure what race Cliff Richard is?
10:15I don't think there's anyone more white than Cliff Richard.
10:20LAUGHTER
10:22What do you think?
10:23So, Shakin Stevens made a gingerbread...
10:26I don't think he'd have done that, do you?
10:28Chicken pate.
10:29I've met Shakin, if it helps, I can give you some insight
10:31into his character.
10:32Please do, yeah.
10:33Yeah, he was pretty quiet.
10:34OK.
10:35Thank you, that does actually help.
10:38Cos if he was quiet, he would have made the bold choice
10:41of chicken liver pate with gingerbread.
10:44Maybe you can rule it out based on that alone.
10:46I'll rule it out, yeah.
10:48Do you think Mariah Curry reveals she makes a seafood...
10:52I don't think she ever cooks.
10:54Have you met Mariah?
10:55You must have met Mariah.
10:56Yeah, I've worked with her.
10:57She knows?
10:58Yeah, she's super cool, yeah.
10:59Is she?
11:00Yeah.
11:01I had a friend that had a bit of a...
11:02They had a bit of a beef, and I ended up, like,
11:04putting together and they're good friends now.
11:06Is this someone famous?
11:07Yeah, it is.
11:08Come on.
11:09Come on, bro.
11:10Come on, mate.
11:11Is it Cliff Richard?
11:12It is, yeah.
11:13For fuck's sake, it is.
11:14Come on, tell us about it.
11:15We won't put it in the show.
11:16Of course not, no.
11:17No.
11:18Not my first rodeo, mate.
11:19Just...
11:20Well, shall I give you some facts that might help you decide?
11:27Yeah.
11:28Yep.
11:29In an interview, Mariah was asked if she cooks her own Christmas dinner,
11:32and she said this.
11:33She said, I do, and nobody believes me.
11:36And in the same interview, later, she admitted, well, I help.
11:41And then a little bit further in the interview, she said,
11:43I do a bit of seasoning.
11:45Jessie, you went to a lot of effort for Christmas once, didn't you?
11:51When I was pregnant, I was in L.A.,
11:54and I didn't want to come home, so I flew my family to me.
11:57And the plumbing in L.A. houses isn't the best.
12:00And there was a lot of food consumed,
12:03which meant there was a lot of toilet trips.
12:05It was rough.
12:06And basically, the burst pipes,
12:08there was literally, like, shit water coming out of the floorboards.
12:13What?
12:14Yeah.
12:15Here's the story you were having Christmas Day,
12:17but the house got full of shit.
12:18Basically, yeah.
12:19So, basically...
12:20Because, honestly, the story they asked me to prompt
12:22was that you once went abroad on holiday
12:25and you took a suitcase full of stuffing.
12:27They didn't mention a house being full of shit.
12:29Oh, really?
12:30Oh, yeah, that's a different story.
12:32Oh.
12:33I mean, that is another story that I said, yeah.
12:36I prefer the house full of shit one.
12:38But, yeah.
12:39I was so pregnant, I was just like, yeah, I know.
12:41How many months?
12:42I was five and a half months, but everyone was like,
12:44she's about to drop.
12:45And I was like, no, just over halfway.
12:48Yeah.
12:49See, I just had a big old baby.
12:51Did you?
12:52Big as Greg.
12:53Yeah.
12:54Did you know in advance that they keep telling me
12:57I'm having a tall baby?
12:58Well, my boyfriend's tall.
13:00So, every scan, he was just really long.
13:02Yeah, that's what mine's dead long.
13:03Yeah.
13:04And his feet was stuck under my ribs.
13:06I'm going to have a vagina like a basset hound.
13:08I'm...
13:09I'm really...
13:11I'll tell you, I'll tell you now, this is probably TMI,
13:15but totally off, but just woman to woman, baby to baby.
13:18Yeah.
13:19So, when I prepped for a natural birth, I did this thing
13:21called the epi-no, where you put, like, a balloon in your hoo-ha,
13:24and then you blow it up to the size of a baby's head,
13:27and you give birth to it, like, every night for, like,
13:29the three weeks before.
13:30Sounds knacker in there.
13:32So, I did that, and then ended up having a C-section.
13:35Oh.
13:37So, now I've got the most inappropriate party trick.
13:40It's just...
13:42I'm sorry, you were putting a big balloon inside yourself,
13:46and then birthing it every day.
13:48Yeah.
13:53What do you reckon? Let's get back to the question.
13:56We're going to have to make a decision soon.
13:58I think Cliff, just because it's the least weird.
14:02I'll just throw this in for you now, because it might help you.
14:05Cliff Richard was born in India.
14:07So, he was born in India?
14:09Yeah.
14:13So, what happened? If you're born in India,
14:14you just retain the tan for the rest of your life?
14:18He was born to two white parents.
14:21Well, that's what he thinks.
14:23Ah.
14:25Yeah.
14:26Let's get an answer.
14:28Is it Cliff's gravy?
14:29Sure.
14:34What do you think?
14:35Is it Cliff's gravy, Shakey's gingerbread pate,
14:37or Mariah's seafood pudding?
14:39Sophie?
14:40Let's get some points on the board.
14:41You're saying Cliff.
14:42You're just quite fascinated by him being in India.
14:46I'm just quite fascinated, yeah.
14:47Cliff Richard.
14:48Here we go.
14:49It's got to be.
14:50Oh, my God, you're right.
14:51Yeah.
14:52The answer's A.
14:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:55Well done.
14:56Well done.
14:57Well done.
14:58Well done.
14:59Well done.
15:00Cliff makes his own special disgusting gravy.
15:02Sophie's team, that's a point to you!
15:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:07The next question is for Noel's team.
15:11Take a look at this.
15:12MUSIC PLAYS
15:13That was your friend's ugly baby, Elton John.
15:34But, Noel's team, can you tell me which of these stories led to Elton having the worst Christmas ever?
15:40Was it?
15:41A.
15:42In 1979, while enjoying a festive buffet, Elton tried borsan cheese for the first time, starting a love affair that quickly became an addiction.
15:50He told NME,
15:51Or was it me?
16:01Elton went to the airport to pick up his lover, who was staying for Christmas.
16:05When Elton arrived, he found out that on the flight over, his boyfriend had decided that he wasn't gay,
16:09and run off with the air hostess, Elton never saw his boyfriend again.
16:14LAUGHTER
16:15Or was it C?
16:16Whilst present shopping in Harvey Nicks, Elton got his head stuck in a £4,000 polar neck sweater.
16:22Writing in his autobiography, he said,
16:24I was so embarrassed, they had to cut me out with a pair of medical scissors, and then they expected me to pay for it.
16:29As I said at the time, is Elton John's head too big, or is your top too small? Chicken and egg, isn't it?
16:35LAUGHTER
16:36There you go, your team. One of those is true.
16:40I love that borsan, it's a puck, is it, of borsan?
16:45Well, that's what Elton claims.
16:47I mean, the image of him biting into it like an apple. God, I hope that's the truth.
16:52I think it's B, just because I think that is the thing that would ruin your Christmas.
16:56Like, oh, yeah, C's a bit embarrassing, but B, like, you know what I mean?
17:01I think, hey, that's a... I think an addiction is shameful.
17:04Like, 14 pucks.
17:06That would ruin my day.
17:07Do you want to be reminded what Elton looks like?
17:09See if he looks like a man who'd eat cheese like an apple?
17:11Yeah.
17:12Here he is.
17:13Yeah.
17:14I'm like how he looks good.
17:15I love that picture.
17:16That's what my nan's face looked like when she found out that despite Brexit,
17:19we were still trading with Europe.
17:21LAUGHTER
17:23So, I'll give you a few facts about Elton, then we'll make a decision.
17:32Throughout the 70s, Elton John and Rod Stewart
17:34used to try and outdo each other with Christmas gifts.
17:36One Christmas, Elton upstaged Rod Stewart massively.
17:39In an interview, Rod said,
17:40I bought him a pop-up fridge from Harrods.
17:43You press the button and there'd be steam and lights and a bottle of champagne.
17:47It cost me £600.
17:49He said, oh, very nice to hear, thank you.
17:51And he gave me a Rembrandt painting.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:55Oh, wow.
17:56Rembrandt?
17:57An actual Rembrandt painting by the artist Rembrandt.
18:00Fucking hell.
18:01I've never felt so stingy. Mad, innit?
18:03A Rembrandt painting?
18:05Yeah.
18:06Mad.
18:07That one of the guy eating a puck of cheese.
18:09LAUGHTER
18:10Love that one.
18:11Let's make a decision, folks.
18:13What do you think, A, B or C?
18:14I like the idea that his head got stuck in a jumper.
18:17That'd be quite nice, wouldn't it?
18:19No.
18:20I don't think it's polo neck.
18:21We're not getting him cut out?
18:22Well, then it probably is polo neck.
18:23Can we mix the two?
18:24Could he not fit in the polo neck because of the cheese?
18:26LAUGHTER
18:27You think there's a chance the answer's going to be A, C?
18:30Yeah, A, C.
18:31It could then be B because his boyfriend didn't come
18:33because he got so big from the cheese.
18:36Is that right?
18:37Yeah.
18:38The answer is A, C, B.
18:40OK, so, the answer is all of them.
18:43LAUGHTER
18:45Elton's boyfriend decided he wasn't gay
18:47because Elton had eaten lots of cheese
18:49and got his head stuck in a jumper.
18:50Yeah.
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52Send it up to the top, Greg.
18:54Yeah.
18:55APPLAUSE
18:57We owe it to Borsan to say punks.
18:59I'm down for the cheese.
19:00Are you down for the cheese or are you saying B?
19:02I'm saying B, basically.
19:03I think it's B, but who cares?
19:05We all think it's B, but we're going to say cheese anyway.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:09I think it's B as well, but I think, weirdly...
19:11We're going to say A for fun.
19:12We're going to just say A.
19:13Yeah, fucking.
19:14You're wrong, the answer is B.
19:16Yes, it is.
19:17APPLAUSE
19:19Elton's boyfriend apparently changed sexuality,
19:23ran off with an air hostess,
19:24and Elton said he's never heard from him again.
19:27MUSIC PLAYS
19:30Hard luck, Noel's team.
19:32Well done, Sophie's team.
19:33No points to Noel.
19:34One point to Sophie.
19:35Hooray!
19:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:38Time for a little break now.
19:42I'm just going to have a little sip on Cliff's gravy.
19:45LAUGHTER
19:46That's not gravy!
19:48LAUGHTER
19:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:00Welcome back to Nevermind the Buzzcocks' Christmas special,
20:03the show that, until one hour ago,
20:05had a joke about P. Diddy's secret Santa gift in it,
20:08which our legal team sent us the following email about.
20:10Please, 100% lose this!
20:13Six exclamation marks.
20:15Next up, it's the intros round.
20:17Here we go.
20:18Noel and Jessie, on your feet, please.
20:19You'll be performing the intro of a song to Jamali.
20:22Song one, take it away.
20:24tinyoot.
20:27Ooh, what?
20:28Take it away.
20:29Through the air.
20:30Wsh kind of the sway,
20:31fingers!
20:32They're there.
20:33Be-do, little, little, little, little.
20:34Ooh, Parte-dlet, little, little...
20:354x!
20:41You, yeah.
20:43All right, take away!
20:45Ah!
20:46Balance.
20:47Tom.
20:48Ah!
20:49Ah!
20:50I can't pass this over, get ready to steal.
20:57It's the worst I've ever sang ever.
20:59Jamali, I'll give you one last guess, I'm going to pass it over.
21:02Yeah, pass it. OK.
21:04Rock and around the Christmas tree, rocking around.
21:07That is right!
21:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:11It was Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee,
21:14and here's how it should have sounded.
21:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:24That was Brenda Lee with Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree.
21:26Brenda Lee once said,
21:28to me Christmas is about loading up on meat
21:30and then farting like a tractor all day.
21:32She did not say that, but you try and find a funny accusepload.
21:36Next song, please. Song Two. Take it away.
21:39DUN DUN DEDA DUM DUM DUDADAM DUM DUM DUM DUM
21:43NEE NEE NEE!
21:45Doodum, doodum, doodum-doodum-doodum...
21:49Ah, that was sh-it.
21:50друзья &
21:50ang buying
21:52Domodum, doodum-doodum
21:54Domodum
21:55Yeah, there we go...
22:09Yes!
22:10What about a sleigh?
22:11Erm...
22:13What do you do on a sleigh?
22:14Flying on the sleigh.
22:15No, where'd you go? There's a snowman next to me on the sleigh.
22:18No. You've got, I'm going to tell you, you've got the word sleigh ride,
22:21and if you don't get it this time, I'm passing it over.
22:22Ah, fucking... Sleigh swimming?
22:29I don't know, it's just swimming, I don't...
22:30Happy Christmas, everyone. Sleigh swimming.
22:35Sleigh, I'm passing it over. Sleigh bells ringing.
22:37Wrong. You're both wrong, it was Sleigh Ride by the Ronettes.
22:41Here's how it should have sounded.
22:45Sleigh ride by the Ronettes, which was included on the album,
23:03A Christmas Gift For You, from Phil Spector,
23:06which sounds a lot nicer than the Christmas gift I got from him one year.
23:09I wanted Lego, Phil, what the hell am I supposed to do with a corpse?
23:12OK.
23:15Well done, you guessed.
23:18Nort, correct!
23:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:24All right, Sophie and Matt, it's your turn to perform to Guz.
23:27Song one, take it away.
23:29DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN D
23:59What is it? Is it like, um, like, Knight Rider?
24:02No, that's where you... I tell you what,
24:05it does sound like Knight Rider. But that's what was in my head.
24:08Do you know who I'm going to pass it over for? I'm going to say Knight Rider.
24:11Ba-dub, ba-dub, ba-dub, ba-dub, ba-dub, ba-dub, ba-dub,
24:13Knight Rider. It's definitely not Knight Rider.
24:16It's Uncle Bro. It's Uncle Bro.
24:18Oh, it's so there in my head. It's the Baywatch.
24:20Ah, listen, you're both wrong.
24:22It was the waitresses with Christmas wrapping.
24:24Oh, fuck. Let's hear how it should have sounded.
24:29That was Christmas wrapping by the waitresses.
24:43In 2015, Kylie Minogue covered the song with Iggy Pop.
24:46While she thought it was Iggy Pop,
24:48it turned out to be an old dog tube from behind her sofa
24:50that absolutely honked.
24:52Next song, please.
24:53If this one is Knight Rider, I'm going to shit on the stage.
24:59No, no, no-no-no-no-no-no.
25:02No, no-no-no-no-no-no.
25:04No, no-no-no-no-no.
25:07This is good.
25:08No, no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no.
25:10This sounds like the song.
25:11No, no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no.
25:13No, no-no-no-no-no-no-no.
25:14It's Knight Rider again, eh?
25:15No, no-no-no-no-no.
25:17You're not going to get this?
25:19This guitar riff by McCosh is absolutely bang on.
25:21Do, do, do, do, do.
25:23Nope.
25:24No.
25:25You Can't See Me by Tupac Shakur.
25:29Close. Close. Close.
25:31So, so close. I'll pass it over.
25:34Yeah. He just went, is it the one with the crackhead in it?
25:39What are you talking about? Shane McGowan?
25:41Yeah, Shane McGowan, yeah.
25:44It's not the one with the crackhead in it.
25:46You know? No? It's Knight Rider.
25:48I wish it were Knight Rider.
25:50You're both wrong. It's Christmas time of the darkness.
25:53Here's how it should have said.
25:55That was Christmas time of the darkness.
26:08Justin Hawkins once said,
26:10I think the more successful you are, the bigger your hair gets.
26:13And he's right. That's why the Jackson 5 was so successful.
26:16Well, it was their hair and their dad beating them with a stick.
26:20Yep. I know.
26:22Sophie's team. Hooray!
26:23Nort! Correct!
26:24At the end of that round, Noel's team have no points,
26:30but Sophie's team have two points.
26:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:33The next game is called...
26:37And it's a game all about the weird, isolated bits in songs released at Christmas time.
26:47We're going to play five sounds from five songs,
26:50and all you need to do as teams is to name the songs that the strange sounds come from.
26:55You get a point for each one you name correctly.
26:57Noel's team, you're up first.
26:58Here is your mash-up.
27:00Listen to this.
27:09MUSIC
27:10I think that's Surfing USA.
27:16Is that Teletubbies or Mr Blobby?
27:18I'll say Mr Blobby.
27:20Well, I think it's Mr Blobby.
27:22If you look at her...
27:22Well, I'll tell you now.
27:24Correct.
27:25One point.
27:26So, Mr Blobby, last Christmas...
27:28Er...
27:30No.
27:31No?
27:31Can we have it one more time?
27:32Yeah, one more time.
27:33What was that till?
27:50Sound of the Underground.
27:51Correct.
27:52Two points.
27:53Surfing in the USA.
27:54No.
27:55Oh.
27:55Oh, I'm out.
27:57That's all we got.
27:58OK, two.
27:58I'll pass it over.
27:59Some extra points here.
28:00Sound of the Underground.
28:02They've already got that one.
28:03All right, it's all right.
28:03All right.
28:05Wish it could be Christmas.
28:07Correct.
28:08Yeah.
28:08For a stolen point.
28:10Yeah.
28:10You've got one.
28:12No.
28:13Are you all right?
28:13What's the difference?
28:15I thought I just had a stroke.
28:19No, is it Cat Amongst the Pigeons?
28:21It isn't Cat Amongst the Pigeons, no.
28:24Sound of the Underground.
28:25We did have another one.
28:26If anyone else says Sound of the Underground.
28:28What about that DJ spin?
28:32Was it boom, boom, shake, shake the room is what I was thinking, because that starts with a...
28:36What's that?
28:37Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down.
28:41What one did you get that we started?
28:47Should we end this?
28:48Yeah.
28:48OK.
28:50So, the full list is Wizard, I wish it could be Christmas every day.
28:54Mr. Blobby by Mr. Blobby.
28:56Band-Aid, do they know it's Christmas?
28:57I can't believe you didn't pick Boy George out.
29:00Girls Aloud, The Sound of the Underground.
29:02I think we've established.
29:04We got that one.
29:05And the final one was South Park with Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Pooh.
29:09Well done.
29:10Noel's team got two points.
29:12And Sophie's team picked up a bonus point.
29:17Yay.
29:18It's got argy on it.
29:20It is, yeah.
29:20All right.
29:21Sophie's team, your turn.
29:22Here's your mash-up.
29:25It...
29:25There you go, you get the guesses first.
29:39So, the first one...
29:40Yeah.
29:40Oh, I've lost my brain.
29:41Let's twist again, one of them.
29:43Do you want to hear it again?
29:44No, no, no.
29:45Oh, fuck, something's happened.
29:47Do you want to hear it again?
29:48Sorry.
29:49Did you say, fuck, something's happened?
29:50Yeah, something.
29:51I was...
29:52I had three then.
29:53OK.
29:54Hear it again.
29:54Yeah, God.
29:56Eee...
29:57I have no idea.
30:08I think this baby brain thing is actually real.
30:11You'll be all right.
30:11You'll be all right.
30:12Um, genuinely, um...
30:14Fucking Whitney Houston sings, um...
30:17What does she sing, sir?
30:19And I will always love you.
30:21Correct, one point.
30:22and then we went to it's not you just kept saying that at me sorry it was a
30:36bomb bomb that's a Christmas because I'm just a bit concerned for social
30:42general welfare to be honest you I won't do what you tell me bloody hell yeah
30:48that one what's the song called oh fucking them and it was it was a
30:55Christmas you've got I will always love you the back all right is it killing in
31:12the name of it is killing in the name of is it a frog song Paul McCartney frog the
31:21frog chorus it is the frog Cora
31:26you've only got one missing I know it's not crazy okay I'll tell you who they all were it was Whitney
31:47Houston I will always love you Sophie's team got that yeah rage against the machine killing in the
31:51name of no seem like that Bob the Builder's the one you will miss can we fix it Jackie
31:58Wilson reap petite Paul McCartney the frog chorus yeah so Sophie's team got one point
32:03and Noel's team got three points at the end of that round Sophie's team have four points Noel's team have five points
32:15time for a quick break I've just got to pop off and wrap my niece's Christmas present
32:25welcome back to never mind the buscocks Christmas special you want another legal note don't you
32:45this is a genuine quote from our lawyer I can't find any record of Christopher doing drugs I know it's a
32:51fake anecdote but please lose a bit about him being on the gack again our next round is called it's
33:00behind you a game celebrating the Christmas tradition of panto Noel's team you're playing first everyone
33:07please make your way to the game area all right Noel's team behind you there is a pop star who is
33:19appearing in panto this Christmas each of Sophie's team is going to tell you who it is but two of
33:25them will be lying it is your job to work out who is telling the truth for the audience at home please
33:31look away now if you don't want to know who it is as I reveal the panto star okay because who is
33:43behind the curtain this is a lady called Faye from steps so Faye who is behind the curtain Lee Ryan Matt
33:56who is behind the curtain to Wilcox why have they all said it like the person's died it's Lee Ryan the
34:04blonde hair one from blue yes was he saying something vaguely racist did he say sorry no no no no no no he's a good
34:13guy yeah I like him but he's a good guy um what was what was Lee Ryan wearing he was in costume and
34:23he had his winkle pickers on was he dressed as an elf no I think he was somebody who was in Jack and the
34:29Beanstalk probably was Toya there so it was there yeah um how tall is she she's probably five foot two I
34:38think she she's wearing fishnets and high boots yeah you lying absolutely oh my god that was a good
34:50that was good Gus what character is Faye playing Faye from steps is made Marion in Robin Hood so what
35:01was she wearing like made Marion clothes like you know the old long sleeves and that medieval shit yeah
35:08made of shit and she had shoes on and stuff all right he's lying so much and he's pretending so
35:22much that it's not his one Gus could be telling the truth that's what I think I think you're telling
35:27the truth for you said I was lying no but I mean in a sense of double bluffing like you're making it seem
35:32like you don't know but you do so tell you the truth I didn't even know this show was about music so
35:36don't take what I say seriously I don't really know what's happening I've got five kids at home I
35:42didn't tell my wife I was leaving the house I'm in a lot of trouble when I go it could be Toya you
35:48know have you met Toya before I've met her so many times and you said she's how tall five two fish
35:55he seemed like a man who would know a woman's height just by looking he could really just
36:02what character is she playing first in Puss in Boots I think it's funny he said Puss I might have to go
36:10with that one funny word it's a funny word it's a great word it's a great word now I think who's
36:16yours again Lee Ryan yes yeah yeah I hope not because I said that thing at the beginning yeah
36:23that's gonna be awkward all right now Nulls team it's time to decide that I'm going with Guz that's
36:31me yeah I think it is yeah all right we'll go Faye with stuff from lovely all right let's see if
36:36you're right will our panto star please step through the curtain
36:40yeah very good how are you all right Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you as well yeah you're in
37:05pantomime already we're going through to the first of February in Birmingham at the hip
37:10dome wow yeah get sparkly and fun for Christmas what a welcome Christmas edition Faye from step
37:16yeah Robin Hood Robin Hood is till the 1st of February can I say Matt Goss was amazing he
37:33was great I knew it was Faye Tozer and I started to think it might be Toya okay Sophie's team's turn so
37:40if you could swap places teams good luck kids to the audience at home please look away if you don't
37:47want to know who it is Noel's team starting with Jamali please tell us who is behind the curtain it's
37:58Bez from Happy Mondays playing Widow Tranky in Aladdin and can I say before I go further my god I hope that's
38:09true no who's behind the curtain it's Terry from East 17 he's playing buttons in Cinderella Jessie who's
38:20behind the curtain um it's Kelly from eternal she's playing the fairy in Sleeping Beauty you read that
38:27really really badly which means you're lying did I oh she was doing quite well you didn't know you
38:33because you you're really quick yeah yeah she might just read badly are you ruling out that's from the
38:40happy mountain days yeah yeah I am sadly yeah yeah I'm ruling it out why are you ruling out well what's
38:46wrong with you is he all right I don't know I just can't that's a good point actually what part would he
38:51play in a penitman um Widow Tranky you saw him at the back actually yeah you did and I said to him
38:59I said oh you're playing Widow Tranky and he went oh yeah yeah mad for it yeah mad for it
39:03I think it's Terry for me 17 buttons in Cinderella he had sort of a military outfit with big different
39:11color buttons on it what color buttons was yeah I think it was yellow red and blue so you caught
39:16that all in one go well I just noticed the buttons because the outfit is sort of like a maroon and then
39:22the maroon and yellow yellow blue a detective show called goss sounds great yeah it's just him
39:30slapping people guys slake I'm on your team you make me want to say no
39:35I'm nervous bro
39:37Jay Jay Jay who was your person again Kelly from eternal and she's no no fairy and sleeping beauty
39:45right what was she wearing a blue dress and she had a wand I think we should go with Keller just tell me
39:51the truth I'm your captain I think I trust your instinct I'm sorry there's a whole thing going on here
39:57with good girls whispering to Jamali just tell me the truth I'm your boy
40:01I'm so so team captain look we thought were there yeah Jesse Jay all right you're saying it's Jesse
40:15Jane she knows the truth the person behind the curtain is Kelly from eternal Kelly from eternal
40:21let's see if you're right will our panto star please step out
40:24Jesse was telling the truth apart from the dress bed that was my favorite song going on angel of my
40:49yeah come on there was something inside of you
40:59oh such a good song something I thought I'd never find
41:05angel of mine
41:09oh
41:11I love it I love it I don't want to spoil that but can we do it again with Sophie beatboxing
41:19she was telling the truth and you can catch Kelly at the floral pavilion in New Brighton
41:25playing fairy snowfall in sleeping beauty until the 4th of January thank you Kelly
41:30goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye
41:35join me
41:38and the end of that round Sophie's team have five points and Noel's team have six points
41:47so far final round it's time for next lines Noel's team your time starts now have yourself a merry
41:58Christmas let your heart be light have yourself a merry little Christmas let your heart be light
42:04from now on all your troubles there we go from now on all your troubles will be outside Frank Sinatra have
42:08yourself a merry little Christmas old Mr. Crinkle is soon gonna jingle soon gonna jingle
42:14the bells that'll jingle all your troubles away yes Jesse J the man with the bag
42:21Christmas time mistletoe and wine children screaming
42:24it'll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold it's shaking Stevens no it'll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold it'll be lonely this Christmas
42:43I'll give it you lonely in cold Lonee this Christmas I see a little silhouette of a man
42:51will you do the fund oh yes queen bohemian absentee it's the sound of the underground it's the sound of the underground
43:00Petite, the finest girl you're ever going to meet.
43:02The beat, the beat.
43:03The beat of the drum goes round and round.
43:05Girls are loud, it's down to the underground.
43:06Oh!
43:07Oh!
43:08Not bad. Not bad.
43:10The beat will be going low round.
43:12It's really hard, even here, isn't it?
43:14Yeah.
43:15All right, well done, Niles team.
43:17You've got four points.
43:18Circus team, you've got to get six right to win.
43:22Right. Here we go.
43:24You ready? Yeah.
43:25Your time starts now.
43:27Baby, if you've got to go away,
43:29don't think I can take the pain.
43:30Stay now, stay now.
43:33Stay, stay another day.
43:35Yes! Will you stay another day?
43:36He's 17, stay another day.
43:38When will I? Will I be famous?
43:40Oh, I can't answer that.
43:42Bross, when will I be famous?
43:45When will I see my picture in the paper?
43:48I can't answer that.
43:49Correct, Bross, when will I be famous?
43:52Welcome to my Christmas song.
43:54Elton, welcome to my Christmas song.
43:58I'd like to thank you for the year.
44:01Elton John, step into Christmas.
44:03Bob the Builder, can we fix it?
44:04Yes, we can.
44:05Bob the Builder, yes.
44:06Yes, we can.
44:07Bob the Builder, yes, we can.
44:08We can fix it.
44:09I really can't stay, but maybe it's cold outside.
44:11I have to go outside.
44:12I have to go...
44:13Yeah?
44:14Yeah, I mean, because I have to get home.
44:17I've got...
44:18I've got...
44:19It's not right, but turn me on.
44:24I've got to go away.
44:26Dean Martin, baby, it's cold outside.
44:28It's cold outside.
44:29Oh, I thought it was possible.
44:32That sound means it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
44:38and I can tell you that Sophie's team have nine points.
44:41But with ten points, our winners tonight are Noel's team!
44:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:50Thanks to Jessie J, Noel, Jamali, Guzz, Sophie and Matt.
44:56It's 40 years this year since Live Aid,
45:00so we've done our best to recreate Do They Know It's Christmas?
45:03This was our plan.
45:04Ask the original singers to take part.
45:06If any of them say no, we'll replace them with professional tribute acts.
45:10See if you can work out who we've had to replace.
45:12Happy Christmas.
45:13Goodnight!
45:15It's Christmas time.
45:25Christmas, Christmas.
45:27There's no need to be afraid.
45:30Don't be afraid.
45:31At Christmas time.
45:33In the Christmas time.
45:35We let light in and we banish the shade.
45:38Banish him, banish him.
45:40In our world of plenty,
45:43We can spread a smile of joy.
45:46Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time.
45:54It's hard, but when you're having fun, there's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear.
46:08Well tonight, thank God it's them, instead of you.
46:25It's who you raise a glass for everyone.
46:29Do they know it's Christmas time at be the world?
46:31Do they know it's Christmas time at be the world?
46:37Let them know it's Christmas time at be the world, let them know it's Christmas time at be the world.
46:55Be the world
46:59Let them know it's Christmas time again
47:25Let them know it's Christmas time again
47:45Let them know it's Christmas time again
47:55Let them know it's Christmas time again
48:00Let them know it's Christmas time again
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