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00:00Don't mind me if I repeat myself
00:02These simple rhymes be good for your health
00:04Keep them crime rhymes on the shelf
00:06Live my life like you just don't care
00:09I believe it's never scared
00:11Crazy noise is the moment they fear
00:13Get up, sell a beer for my dear
00:16Get up, throw your hands in the air
00:18Get up, get up, get up
00:21Get up, get up
00:23Get up, get up
00:25Get up, get up
00:26Get up, get up, get up
00:30Cut out the dead weight
00:34Act like the teachers left the room and never mention rugby league again
00:37It's friday we're live and it's time for the last leg of stand up to cancer
00:43Tonight on the show Australia gets anti-social
00:46The US gives international travellers the finger
00:49And we continue to stand up to cancer
00:51Plus we'll be joined by John Richardson, AJ Adudu and Matt Ford
00:56On the show that always gives the news a helping hand
01:00The last leg of stand up to cancer
01:01The show that even more than usual feels like it's got a bit missing
01:15With me as always is the pride of Dartmoor Josh Widdicombe
01:18And the man who thought this day would never come
01:21Alex Brooker
01:27So, for those of you who've only just tuned in
01:31Look how smart we look
01:32We look like kids that have been dressed for a wedding
01:36Alex looks like Zelensky on his second trip to the White House
01:39I'm gonna get a good deal
01:44So, look, for those of you who've only just tuned in
01:48Adam's been doing the live stand up to cancer show
01:50So, I can't believe I'm saying this
01:52But me and Josh are in charge
01:54I tell you what, I'm so glad I found this magic lamp this week
02:11Honestly, I just can't believe I didn't use my one wish on healing my foot
02:15Yes, and just to be clear, if you wonder why I am moving around
02:22This morning the production realised they'd forgotten to get a second chair
02:26And I am on an exercise ball
02:33So, I am sorting my abs out while we do the show
02:40It's not exactly the call on me video, is it?
02:45But the man forget, I can't believe I'm actually
02:47Well, it's unsurprisingly
02:48But there's actually not a lot of leg room
02:50There isn't, but
02:52Do you want to...
02:53There is items that Hilsey keeps behind the desk
02:54So, there's this book
02:55Shoe-hauling rugby league into any conversation for dummies
02:59What else have we got in there?
03:00We've got a message that he's just got for himself
03:02Which just says
03:03You are enough
03:05He really did love that Barbie film, didn't he?
03:07This one is the rudest
03:09He's just got Josh and Alex with arrows
03:16The fucking cheek of it
03:17Well, look, so...
03:21Teachers away! Let's do this!
03:28Wow
03:31So, look, as Adam's not here, we had to work out who was going to host this part
03:34So we did...
03:35We did rock, paper, scissors backstage
03:37We did
03:38But as all mine looked the same
03:39Meant I won
03:40So, Josh
03:41You crack on over to the sofa
03:42I'm going to take the reins for part one
03:45Oh!
03:46There we are!
03:50Pressure's on, Brooker
03:52You know what? I've had a long time to think about how I'd host this show
03:55What I'd do
03:56And there's one change that I've always wanted to make
03:59So I've got myself an Aperol Spritz button
04:01Let's have a little go of it now
04:03Go
04:05Go
04:07I've got to get through this
04:08I've got to get through this
04:11Gonna make
04:12I've got to make
04:13I'm making a gru
04:14Yeah, I've got to get through this
04:15I've got to get through this
04:16Gonna take
04:19For Joe
04:20I've got four of them. This is going to be brilliant. Right, feel suitably refreshed.
04:36Now, we are live on your television right now, which means you can send us any questions
04:40you'd like to ask us about the news. And given, look, it's nearly midnight, I can imagine
04:44those questions are going to be pretty wild. Anyway, you can message us on Instagram,
04:49with the hashtag, is it OK? The answer is no, it isn't. Or via WhatsApp, using the number
04:5507956175908, or by scanning the QR code on the screen. For example, is it OK to lose your
05:04head on live TV? No, no, no. No, it isn't. Although, give me long enough in here, we'll see. Is it
05:09OK to lose your head on live TV if it's hilarious? Yes. Yes, it is. If you're our good mate, James
05:15Acaster, as proven by this incredible footage from last weekend's Saturday Kitchen.
05:21I can tell you that 54% of you want... Did you see the autocue go up? No.
05:28Yes! Yes! Tapas! Yes!
05:32APPLAUSE
05:33APPLAUSE
05:34APPLAUSE
05:35APPLAUSE
05:36APPLAUSE
05:38See him punch up polar bear, I now know why he didn't get the job on Blue Planet.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:40Now, Adam's currently making his way across town to the studio and will no doubt be using
05:46his freedom pass to get here. But, Hillsy, where are you at the moment?
05:50Uh, boys, I'm on my way to you. I'm just about to get on a bus with a tit, a shit and a giant
05:57vulva. And I'm going to be honest, it's not the first time I've said that sentence in my
06:00life.
06:01Oh, well...
06:02How's it all going back there? Are you...
06:04looking after the show?
06:05Yeah, yeah, we're okay, thank you. Josh might have smashed a draw already, but other than
06:11that, we're, um...
06:12Yeah, we're doing all right, Hillsy. Thank you very much, yeah. We really can't wait for
06:17you to get back.
06:18Yeah, you...
06:19You guys are keeping people to account, speaking truth to people.
06:21I'm just about to get on a bus with a tit, a shit and a giant vulva, and I'm going to
06:24be honest, it's not the first time I've said that sentence in my life.
06:26Oh, well...
06:27How's it all going back there? Are you looking after the show?
06:29Yeah, yeah, we're okay, thank you. Josh might have smashed a draw already, but other
06:32you guys are keeping people to account, speaking truth to power, right?
06:35Uh...
06:36Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alex has got an Aperol spritz.
06:42Oh, hey, I'm going to have to go, um, for a number of reasons. I need to get to you,
06:47but also, it looks like I'm hosting the world's weirdest hen party, so I'll see you soon.
06:51See you in a bit, Hillsy!
06:52Cheers!
06:53Let's go, let's go, let's go.
06:59Um...
07:02Do you think he's going to make it back? I'm not. I don't think he is.
07:05No.
07:06Oh, get out of here. Let's bring back the mariachis!
07:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:12Oh, ho, ho!
07:14Celebrate your times, come on!
07:22Celebrate your times, come on!
07:33Oh, dear.
07:35Oh, I'm just going to...
07:37Just seeing what the next bit I've got to read is, so I'm just going to move my Aperol spritz out of shot.
07:42Just to remind you, we are still in fundraising mode, so you can still donate to Stand Up To Cancer.
07:47Almost one in two of us will get cancer in our lifetime.
07:50Help us fight back!
07:52And to give 30...
07:53To give, sorry, 40, 30, 20 or 10 pounds to support Stand Up To Cancer, text 40, 30, 20 or 10 to 70404.
08:02Or to donate any amount online, go to channel4.com forward slash su2c.
08:08100% of the money you give will fund life-saving cancer research.
08:13Um, Josh, you're looking... you're looking lonely.
08:15I am looking lonely, yeah.
08:16Well, there's normally someone sat next to me, Brooker.
08:18I know.
08:19Well, I think it's time to bring out my replacement, shall we?
08:21OK, yeah.
08:22So, he's my favourite diminutive comedian.
08:24What?
08:25A man who makes Josh look edgy.
08:26What?
08:27Please welcome...
08:28John Richardson!
08:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:31Oh, John, welcome to the show.
08:51When's your dad back?
08:53How does it feel being in my seat?
08:56Can you feel the banter?
08:58Er, no, cos you've taken your notes.
09:00Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:01Sorry, man.
09:02I've got all of them over here.
09:03How's...
09:04How's...
09:05Can you see?
09:06I've put a proper bum groove in there.
09:07There is a little groove in there.
09:08It's taken me, like, 13 years.
09:09Look at that.
09:10I wondered why you used to rub yourself forward and back.
09:12I thought you had worms.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:16Right, we're going to get...
09:19I think there was a couple of series when I did.
09:21LAUGHTER
09:22We're going to get to the real big news of the week in a bit.
09:25But first, the big news between us was Josh's reaction
09:28to my Spotify rap.
09:30Now, here's just how impressed he was.
09:33Do you want my top five songs?
09:35OK, hit me.
09:36Number five, I want it that way.
09:41Absolute banger.
09:42Yep.
09:43Number four, if you're getting down, by five.
09:46Number five, keep on moving, by five.
09:59LAUGHTER
10:01I've just realised how absurd these are.
10:04This is no lie, by the way.
10:06It's just generally my Spotify rap.
10:08Number two, flying without wings.
10:11LAUGHTER
10:13LAUGHTER
10:16Are you ready for number one?
10:17No.
10:18My most listened to song of 2025.
10:21Yeah.
10:22Can you feel the love tonight?
10:24LAUGHTER
10:25Oh, my God.
10:27LAUGHTER
10:30See you next year.
10:31LAUGHTER
10:33Yeah, look.
10:34Five...
10:35Just five absolute bangers, mainly involving five.
10:41What's your beef with them?
10:42It's the line-up to the 2003 smash-its poll-winners party.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:47Have you chosen flying without wings because you think it's a disability?
10:50LAUGHTER
10:52John, look.
10:53What did you make of it?
10:54I thought it was all right.
10:55I'm not saying this for the show.
10:56I think you need fucking help.
10:58LAUGHTER
11:03Oh!
11:04I think it's pathetic.
11:05You think it's pathetic?
11:07I think it's pathetic.
11:08Yeah.
11:09As do I think it's pathetic.
11:10You had your chance to do anything at the start of the show
11:12and the naughtiest thing you could think of
11:14was putting on a feather bow and letting off a party pop.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:18Both of those have stopped me getting my pip.
11:20LAUGHTER
11:29It wasn't just you both who thought it was pathetic.
11:33Somebody commented, I love this,
11:35he seems OK that he will never be cool.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:39Can I also say on that,
11:41can you feel the love tonight, we're all thinking it,
11:45that we know why you're putting that on.
11:47Oh...
11:49Come on, that's your shagging song, isn't it?
11:51LAUGHTER
11:52No, it goes on for ages.
11:53LAUGHTER
11:54I'm a 21-seconds fan!
11:56LAUGHTER
11:57LAUGHTER
11:58APPLAUSE
12:04My other favourite comment on the Instagram post
12:08was someone saying that I must have a sign in my kitchen
12:11that says, live, laugh, love.
12:13LAUGHTER
12:15I don't doubt it, Brooker, I don't doubt it.
12:16Actually, I don't, I don't have that.
12:18I have one that says, be careful of sharp knives,
12:20which, in hindsight, was too little too late.
12:22LAUGHTER
12:23But look, going to my spot, like, this Spotify rep,
12:25you properly, you've mugged it off.
12:28I've never mugged anyone off, Brooker.
12:30Well, you've not been happy with it.
12:32Yeah.
12:33But you mentioned last week that, like,
12:35four of your top five songs were Sabrina Carpenter,
12:38you little pervert.
12:39LAUGHTER
12:40So, she's the greatest songwriter of her generation.
12:43Incredible.
12:44And you've never watched any of the videos on the Spotify?
12:46You don't get the videos on Spotify.
12:47Not that I'd know, cos I haven't looked.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:50John, what sort of music toast have you got, then?
12:56Er, terrible.
12:57But I think...
12:58I will say in favour of your Spotify,
12:59cos no-one's getting paid from Spotify,
13:01the artists don't get any money,
13:02at least you've picked people who aren't together anymore,
13:04or aren't performing.
13:05So, they're not going to miss the money, cos they've fucking retired
13:0720 years ago.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:09West Laugh are performing next year, man.
13:11Are they?
13:12I'm going to see them.
13:13And Backstreet Boys.
13:14How did I not know?
13:15LAUGHTER
13:16Look, I don't think so.
13:18So, like, what sort of thing are you in...?
13:21What are you into, though?
13:22Er, well, it's my daughter that uses my Spotify,
13:25so, erm, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
13:27LAUGHTER
13:29Could I...
13:30Can I revert to that excuse for mine as well?
13:32Yeah.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:34But, look, I stand by my music selection so much,
13:37I've decided to change Hill's buttons as a little treat for him
13:40for when he get back.
13:41So, let's have a little go.
13:42This is the first button.
13:44Tell me why he ain't nothing but a party.
13:49Honestly, he's going to love it when he...
13:51When he tries to make a political comment and punctuate with this.
13:54LAUGHTER
13:56LAUGHTER
13:58I'm ready for the next Paralympics.
14:04And what's the fourth button?
14:16What's the fourth button?
14:17A turd the size of Disneyland Paris!
14:20Yes, we, er...
14:21We ran out of money to clear any of the other...
14:23LAUGHTER
14:24But on to the big news now, and Michael asked,
14:27Is it OK that I'm proud of Australia for banning social media access to children?
14:32Let's hope the rest of the world follows.
14:34Yes, now, usually news from Australia is less down under
14:37and more akin with the upside down,
14:39but this week they've done something quite radical.
14:42As of Wednesday, all of the major social media platforms
14:45have had to take steps to remove any users under the age of 16.
14:50And the worst thing about that is you're not even old enough
14:52to buy cigarettes to, like, get over it.
14:54LAUGHTER
14:55So, how do you boys feel about the ban?
14:57I think it's a great idea.
14:59I think...
15:00Erm...
15:01I think that it's a bit weird that the only week in 13 years
15:06when we're praising Australia is the week Hillsy's away.
15:08LAUGHTER
15:10Wait till the Ashes finishes next week.
15:12Yeah.
15:13And I also...
15:14I think...
15:15I would totally ban social media for under-16s,
15:17er, with the caveat,
15:19unless they're being difficult and you want a bit of a rest.
15:22LAUGHTER
15:24Now, reports suggest that the main hope
15:26is that it will stop young people from meeting men
15:28in their 40s online who Spotify top five are Sabrina Carpenter.
15:32LAUGHTER
15:34APPLAUSE
15:37One drawback of it, apparently, is that for the kids who live in isolated areas,
15:46so some people's closest neighbour lives about 50 miles away,
15:49so it's the best way to communicate.
15:51How much of a concern do you think that is?
15:53Let's be clear, though, it's the best way to communicate for everyone.
15:55Like, there's nothing wrong with social media.
15:57It's the adults.
15:58We have failed to ask the companies to regulate what's on there.
16:02We're addicted to it.
16:03It's adults banning a product that we are addicted to.
16:06So, no, I don't want you on your phone all the time,
16:08cos, er, I need it.
16:09LAUGHTER
16:11Also, if they're 50 miles away,
16:13I don't think you can use the word my nearest neighbour.
16:15They're not your fucking neighbour.
16:16LAUGHTER
16:17Neighbours was set in Australia.
16:19It wasn't Scott and Charlene with 50 miles in the dream.
16:22LAUGHTER
16:23It's a nightmare on Trick or Treat
16:25where he walked 50 miles
16:27to get a chopper chaps.
16:29We were out for four hours, we only did one hour.
16:31LAUGHTER
16:33So, under-16s have been banned from Facebook,
16:35Instagram, Freds, X, YouTube, Snapchat,
16:38Reddit, Kik, Twitch and TikTok.
16:41Um, is there any of those you struck?
16:43Well, I'm going to say it.
16:44Threads are fucking lucky to be on that list.
16:46LAUGHTER
16:47Everyone banned themselves from Freds 48 hours in.
16:50LAUGHTER
16:51I don't think anybody over 16 should be on Twitch.
16:55No.
16:56That's the, you know, that's the game, the streaming...
16:58Yeah, that's the gaming one.
16:59Yeah, no-one should be on that, no.
17:00But what the fuck was Kik?
17:01What's Kik?
17:02I've not even heard of some of them.
17:03Snapchat in Australia is, er,
17:05how they check where the crocodiles are, isn't it?
17:07LAUGHTER
17:09Tell me why you ain't lookin' that I don't think...
17:14LAUGHTER
17:15Now, apparently, teenagers are already getting around the band
17:18if they look older than they are.
17:20I'm about to start back in our day when you could buy cider from Northeer
17:22if you had a bum fluff and moustache.
17:24Do you ever...
17:25No, I don't, no, I never managed that.
17:27LAUGHTER
17:28I'm still waiting for that one.
17:29We'll have a look at this insightful clip.
17:31What about you, are you going to miss your social media?
17:36I'm not removed from anything.
17:37The band hasn't worked.
17:38It hasn't worked?
17:39Why's that?
17:40Because my camera's terrible, so they think I'm 16.
17:43LAUGHTER
17:44I mean, that kid at the bottom...
17:46I know the kid at the top thinks...
17:48That one at the bottom, there is no way he's passing for over 16.
17:52LAUGHTER
17:53That's me, the little kid on the left,
17:54looking at him going, fuck off.
17:56LAUGHTER
17:57They didn't seem...
17:59They didn't seem too bothered about it,
18:01but I just think when you've grown up in a country
18:04where everything's trying to kill you from the sun to the plants,
18:07like, hashtags are the least of your problems, aren't they?
18:10Yeah, and also, kids will always find a workaround.
18:12They will all be on LinkedIn before you know it.
18:15LAUGHTER
18:19So, sorry, just the autocue's just got stuck.
18:22LAUGHTER
18:24Yeah, I've already said that bit.
18:26Hils has never had to say it!
18:28LAUGHTER
18:30I'll tell you he would have got away.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:33Hilsie's absolutely fucked you on the ORQ.
18:36LAUGHTER
18:37Hilsie's got it on fours.
18:39Absolutely high-fiving the team.
18:41LAUGHTER
18:42Um, to be honest with you,
18:43I have just felt a massive wave of sadness,
18:45a bit like when Mufasa dies in the Lion King,
18:48which must mean I think we're due an update from Hils.
18:51Um, yep, I'm hearing he's on the line now.
18:53Where are you, Hilsie?
18:54Hilsie?
18:56Uh, yeah, look, sorry boys,
18:58I had to get off the bus for a whole bunch of reasons.
19:00Uh, mainly the giant shit hit the fan.
19:02I'm not even entirely sure why there was a fan on the bus,
19:04but I'm now going to get on a motorbike,
19:06because apparently that's the quickest way to get to you.
19:08Uh, but I have to put some leathers on first.
19:10I'm not entirely sure this is necessary,
19:12but I'll give it a crack.
19:13I'll give it a crack.
19:14Um, see you soon.
19:15Oh, no, this is ridiculous.
19:17APPLAUSE
19:25You all right, then?
19:26Look, looks like the hills on the bus did go round and round and round.
19:30Ah, there we are.
19:41What a highbrow show this has become.
19:43Um, but look, don't worry,
19:44we've got some excellent guests to make up through his absence.
19:47One's on Big Brother.
19:48The other's missing part of his bladder.
19:50It's AJ O'Doodoo and Matt Fords!
20:02Hello!
20:04Good to see you!
20:05Good to see you!
20:10Hello!
20:11Oh, welcome to the show.
20:14All right.
20:15Tonight, we're also presenting our Hands Awards
20:17to people who've inspired us this year.
20:19Who would you both nominate?
20:21AJ, starting with you.
20:22Um, I would nominate Bus Auntie.
20:25She is a respected mental health nurse,
20:30but she's gone viral, uh,
20:32for her love of double-decker red buses.
20:36OK.
20:38She's great!
20:39She's really, really great.
20:40Here's a video of Bus Auntie in action.
20:45She's an icon, she's a legend, and she is the moment.
21:03The problem with that, though, is she just looks like she keeps missing the bus.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:08She's having to get Ubers everywhere!
21:10No, she raves at the bus drivers,
21:12she shows her appreciation,
21:14she loves them, she rides them.
21:16She met Kea Starmer on one.
21:18Did she?
21:19Yeah!
21:20LAUGHTER
21:21Who would you nominate?
21:22Who would you nominate?
21:23No, someone over there left!
21:24LAUGHTER
21:25It wasn't me.
21:26Who would you nominate, 4D?
21:29I want to nominate, um, a nurse who's helped me this year,
21:32called Sharon Hall at the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital.
21:35Um, she's the lead urology nurse there,
21:37and I had surgery recently to deal with, um...
21:41I realise this sort of thing where...
21:42It's only when you're saying out on live TV you realise,
21:44I'm not sure this was something I should be divulging,
21:46to deal with my male incontinence.
21:48And, um, I've had a artificial urinary sphincter put in
21:53to stop me peeing my pants following spinal surgery.
21:56I had cancer a couple of years ago, I'm a brave survivor.
21:59Um, and, um, I...
22:01APPLAUSE
22:07One in two of us will get it, I've had it,
22:09so it's come into two of you guys.
22:11LAUGHTER
22:14Watch out.
22:15Oh, um, thanks for joining us, Mordy.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:18It's so good to have you on about...
22:20The angel of death's arrived!
22:22LAUGHTER
22:23Josh, who, which you nominated?
22:25Well, last week I nominated Sabrina Carpenter,
22:27we've discussed this, but, uh,
22:29we couldn't get her the award.
22:31We contacted her agent and they said,
22:33I'm really sorry, it's unlikely we'll get anything
22:35for the show tomorrow.
22:37Apologies, I don't want to give you any false hope.
22:39As if we had any fucking false hope.
22:40LAUGHTER
22:41At least now you can re-script your segment.
22:43But we've got that, we've got it made,
22:45so here is like a classic racy picture
22:47of what people remember, Sabrina Carpenter's outfits,
22:50and here is the hands, there it is.
22:53Gorgeous!
22:54Oh, that...
22:55They're like twins.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:57So there we go.
22:58I think that is very similar.
22:59Is it?
23:00And John, who's yours?
23:01I like the fact Eve and her agent said you can re-script the segment
23:04and you went, no, just do it anyway.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:06And John, who's your nomination?
23:07Well, I didn't know Matt was going to do a nurse that had operated on him,
23:11so I have picked a darts player who has suffered a different kind of adversity this year.
23:21He's had to change his nickname because his name is Tim Pussy and he wanted to be called the Magnet.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:30I just think it's a sign that darts has lost its way a little bit.
23:33That's...
23:34What's wrong with Magnet Tim?
23:35Yeah.
23:36Well, he's changed it to the Muncher, so...
23:38LAUGHTER
23:39He's dealt with it very well.
23:41Well, we'll have more Last Leg of Stand Up To Cancer for you after the break
23:45as we hand out more Hands Awards and check in on Far Away Hills.
23:49We'll see you soon.
23:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
24:04Welcome back to the Last Leg of Stand Up To Cancer.
24:08We're joined by John Richardson, AJ Adudu and Matt Ford,
24:11but still not Adam Hill!
24:17Come on, that's unfair.
24:18Now, let's focus on the important people, the ones that could be bothered to be here.
24:22Matt.
24:23Yes.
24:24It's Stand Up To Cancer tonight, which is obviously a topic close to your heart.
24:28Yeah, I'm a stand-up.
24:29Stroke spine.
24:30And, um...
24:31LAUGHTER
24:32So, tell us what happened with you, then.
24:34I got spinal cancer, um, a couple of years ago.
24:37I was performing at the Edinburgh Festival, had terrible nerve pain in my buttock
24:41and went to see a doctor and they said,
24:43you've probably just slipped a disc.
24:45I got an MRI and there was a rare cancer at the base of my spine called a chordoma
24:49that only one in a million people get.
24:51Oh, my gosh.
24:52At that point, obviously, you just...
24:54You can't quite comprehend that it's cancer, cos...
24:56No, to the point where, when you told me...
24:59LAUGHTER
25:00..you texted me and did it in the form of a quiz question.
25:03LAUGHTER
25:04LAUGHTER
25:05That reflects really badly on me, but it was...
25:08Josh and I are part of a text group of...
25:10Let's not go into it! Let's not go into it!
25:12We have a running joke and there are quizzes as part of the theme,
25:16and I invented a...
25:17Yeah.
25:18I said, what is wrong with me?
25:19It was like, A, asthma, B, something like...
25:21G, cancer.
25:22And knowing full well no-one was going to guess it.
25:25And it just added a game show element to proceedings that I think...
25:28Now, you've had some good news recently.
25:30Yes, so, my last scan was clear, so I'm two years clear of cancer now.
25:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:37Yeah.
25:38Matt!
25:39Matt!
25:40That only means one thing.
25:42Bring them out!
25:45Maybe I was gonna fly
25:48Wanna leave, don't wanna die
25:50Maybe I just wanna breathe
25:52Maybe I just don't believe
25:54Maybe I'm the same as me
25:57Easy, you'll never see
25:59You know I can leave forever
26:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:08That's very cool.
26:09Now, earlier in the show, you mentioned your neurology nurse Sharon Gill.
26:13You wanted to give her a Hans Award.
26:15Yeah.
26:16Much like Hillsy, she couldn't be with us tonight.
26:18But she has got you a message. Here it is.
26:22Thank you so much, Matt, for the nomination.
26:24It's very, very kind of you. I'm very grateful.
26:26I'm so sorry I couldn't be with you tonight.
26:28But I wish you all the very best and see you soon.
26:30Aw!
26:32APPLAUSE
26:34You can still donate to Stand Up To Cancer.
26:37We'll reveal the total raise tonight at the end of the show.
26:40Now, almost one in two of us will get cancer in our lifetime.
26:44Help us fight back to give 40, 30 or 10 pounds to support Stand Up To Cancer.
26:49Text 40, 30, 20 or 10 to 70404.
26:53Or to donate any amount online, go to channel4.com forward slash su2c.
26:58100% of the money you give will fund life-saving cancer research.
27:02Now, it's time for our Hans Awards as we recognise some of the heroes of the year.
27:07APPLAUSE
27:21I can be your hands, baby.
27:27I can hands away the pain.
27:34I will hands by you forever.
27:39You can take my hands away.
27:44APPLAUSE
27:51Our first award is for Faye, who adapts and teaches Strictly Come Dancing performances
27:59so they can be performed by wheelchair users
28:03and post them to her Instagram, all whilst battling M.E. herself.
28:09Hi, Faye.
28:11At this point, I just wanted to say a huge thank you for the last leg.
28:14I'm delighted to accept this Hammers Award for creating and teaching adaptations
28:18of Strictly Come Dancing routines each week
28:20to show fellow chronically ill and disabled people that dances for everyone.
28:24APPLAUSE
28:30Our next award of the night goes to Celia Imry,
28:33who was nominated by Adam Hills on last week's show
28:35for owning her own embarrassment on the Traitors.
28:38Here she is, accepting her award.
28:40I'm absolutely delighted to be an award winner.
28:45And if it's for making everybody laugh, then I couldn't be happier.
28:49And I wish you all health and happiness in the year ahead.
28:53And thank you again.
28:55APPLAUSE
28:57We'll have more Last Leg of Stand Up To Cancer for you after the break,
29:03and I'll still be in the hot seat.
29:05And we'll have another mystery guest.
29:06See you soon.
29:07APPLAUSE
29:08Welcome back to the Last Leg of Stand Up To Cancer.
29:25We're joined by John Richardson, AJ Adudu and Matt Ford, but still not Adam Hills.
29:29And don't forget you can still donate...
29:32Oh, there.
29:34There we go.
29:35We'll announce the total amount raised at the end of the show.
29:38Now, Matt, you're going on tour in the new year?
29:40Yes.
29:41My new tour, Defying Calamities, going across the UK from January to June next year,
29:45where we'll talk about male incontinence, erectile dysfunction, all the usual cliches.
29:50It's a classic stand-up show.
29:53A classic stand-up show, all the well-worn topics, plus impressions of Donald Trump, Keir Starmer.
29:58Well, let's get back to Donald Trump, because David asked,
30:01Is it OK that the Last Leg team may be banned from the US for being nasty to Trump?
30:06Yes, this week it was revealed that travellers planning to visit the US
30:10will soon have to provide a variety of extra information, including dates and birthplaces
30:15of family members and their social media activity going back five years.
30:22Worried?
30:23Er, no.
30:24I'm not worried at all, but it's mainly because all of the dodgy tweets I send out
30:27are from my burner account, at Josh Whittakam.
30:30LAUGHTER
30:32The amount of DT engine!
30:39How are you two feeling about it?
30:41Er...
30:42Well, you don't want to feel like you're being spied on.
30:45You don't want to feel like...
30:46No.
30:47..being vetted.
30:48It's hard enough getting through passport control.
30:50Do you know what I mean?
30:51It is.
30:52And you'll have to give your parents birthdays...
30:54I don't know that.
30:55I don't know that.
30:56I don't know that information.
30:57If I need to go to America, I need to know my daughter's birthday.
31:00I'm fucked.
31:01LAUGHTER
31:02You don't have to give your parents social media, do you?
31:05What do you mean?
31:06You know what my mum's like on...
31:07I do, right mate.
31:08She is in my DMs too much.
31:10We've looked into it, right?
31:12Not in that way!
31:13Not in that way!
31:14LAUGHTER
31:15I just get a lot of traction from my content.
31:18Now, that's not euphemism.
31:20LAUGHTER
31:21What has this show turned into without Elsie?
31:24She hit the bell on your YouTube channel as well.
31:27LAUGHTER
31:28So, she wants...
31:31There are examples.
31:32These are like the red lines, right?
31:33These are the red flags people can't cross.
31:36So, if your social media is deemed too dangerous, something like this.
31:39Look at that, John.
31:41Oh.
31:42People who brag too much about their holidays on social media,
31:45they are the absolute worst.
31:47LAUGHTER
31:48Look at that absolute wanker.
31:50And...
31:51And total nutjobs.
31:53Number two, flied without wings.
31:56LAUGHTER
31:57Oh, my God!
31:58LAUGHTER
31:59However, right, there is a workaround for those looking to move to America.
32:02President Trump has announced a scheme offering fast-track US visas
32:06for a cost of at least $1 million.
32:10Would you like to see...
32:12This is the taste...
32:13This is the genuine tasteful gold card you will get.
32:17LAUGHTER
32:18Look at that.
32:19Oh!
32:20That's a real picture of Donald Trump riding an eagle past the Statue of London.
32:24LAUGHTER
32:28A really small eagle.
32:31LAUGHTER
32:32You want to see, right, a very cheery snap of someone who is so happy with their gold card.
32:37Look at his little face!
32:39LAUGHTER
32:40He looks like Charlie Bucket. It's unbelievable!
32:42LAUGHTER
32:43It's more like Grandpa Joe, to be fair.
32:46LAUGHTER
32:47Now, one of the great things about Hilsey not being here is I can do stories on whatever I want.
32:52This week, huge news from the world of Bez from the Happy Mondays,
32:56who has said he could lose his job to an AI bot.
33:01You all right, John?
33:02Yeah, well, he didn't, though, did he?
33:05LAUGHTER
33:06He did! He spoke into a big issue.
33:08He said, this is the quote,
33:09I thought no way could AI actually do that,
33:12but can just rob everyone and anybody's life.
33:15Are you worried about Bez or yourself, John?
33:18I ain't got time to worry about Bez, have you seen my life?
33:21LAUGHTER
33:22AI's not coming for Bez, is it?
33:24No-one cares if a computer does drugs.
33:26LAUGHTER
33:27LAUGHTER
33:28LAUGHTER
33:30APPLAUSE
33:32AJ, you worried about AI or doo-doo?
33:38LAUGHTER
33:39Do you know what? Listen...
33:42LAUGHTER
33:43I'm not worried. I feel like it's complex, isn't it?
33:51It's already here.
33:52I don't think it's something to fear.
33:54It's something that we need to get our heads round and embrace,
33:57because it's not something that's going to happen.
34:00It's already happening, do you know what I mean?
34:02Exactly. Exactly.
34:03Poor old Bez.
34:04He's gone already.
34:05LAUGHTER
34:064D, you worried about it?
34:08No, I think...
34:10I think it's basically not as good as people worry about.
34:13I think it's basically rubbish.
34:15Are you talking about AI or Bez?
34:17AI!
34:18Bez.
34:19I'm more worried about Bez.
34:20Bez poses a bigger threat to my safety than AI is.
34:23LAUGHTER
34:24AI is just Googling it.
34:26Have you seen the Spanish monkey that does ASMR, though?
34:29Sorry, what?
34:30Are you on the drugs now, John?
34:32LAUGHTER
34:33He's good stuff.
34:34LAUGHTER
34:35What's that?
34:36It's just like a Spanish monkey that eats food on Instagram
34:39and tells you about it in Spanish, you whispers.
34:42LAUGHTER
34:43That was going to be...
34:44You know what, John?
34:45You have got a lot to worry about.
34:47It's time to bring out this week's mystery guest.
34:49It's someone from the news and our guests have to try and identify them.
34:53Can we have this week's mystery guest, please?
34:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
34:58Mystery guest.
35:00I wanna get close to you...
35:03APPLAUSE
35:05OK, Alex, who is the mystery guest?
35:09So, this is Hardbang,
35:12but why was he in the news this week?
35:14Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please?
35:17What are the options...?
35:21Right, was he in the news because he travelled to Delhi where he made the final of the throwing a teabag into a mug World Series?
35:29Did he travel to Las Vegas where he made the final of the Microsoft Excel World Championships?
35:35Or did he travel to Buenos Aires where he made the final of the sock pairing World Cup?
35:43Okay, teabagging
35:51So what are you thinking guys I'm going to be whatever the middle one was that's the spirit don't even remember what they are
36:02Because Microsoft well, I just think his face moved less on the second option
36:09Alright, fuck you know Joe fucking Marla on the traitors
36:13Don't need AI we don't need AI
36:15So what we're saying is if it is Microsoft Excel you've proven we don't need AI 100% and if it's teabagging AI all the way
36:25Okay, we'll have more last leg to stand up to cancer after the break one
36:29We'll find out if this man is very quick at pairing socks and announced the final hands award of 2025
36:35But before that let's see where Hillsy is Hillsy. Where are you?
36:39Yeah boys look I've had to get off the bike but only because I've spotted someone that I think you're going to want to meet and I'm going to bring them to the studio
36:47Alex it's not abs from five or Jay from five or Richie from five
36:53I'm going to keep it a surprise but because it's another person I can't put them on the bike
36:57So I've got a rickshaw
36:59I think we're going to make it in time
37:02You're going to be very happy to see this person
37:04Have we checked the rickshaw's got a blue badge?
37:06We'll be fine. I'll see you in a bit
37:07Find out if Hillsy makes it back after the break. See you soon
37:11Welcome back to the last leg of stand up to cancer
37:29I'm back in the big chair and we're joined by John Richardson, AJ Adudu and Matt Ford
37:34Now before the break we challenged AJ and Matt to work out how this person was connected to the news
37:41John, please can we have the options again?
37:43Yes
37:43Sorry, I forgot how well produced this is
37:47It's after midnight man nobody's anyway
37:54He traveled to Delhi where he made the final of the throwing a teabag into a mug world series
37:58He traveled to Las Vegas where he made the final of the Microsoft Excel world championships
38:02Or he traveled to Buenos Aires where he made the final of the sock-bearing world cup
38:06So AJ, Fordy, what are you thinking?
38:09They are all believable
38:11But I'm going to stick to the teabagging
38:14You're going to stick to the teabagging?
38:15Yeah
38:16I'm going Microsoft Excel
38:18I think that I would believe all of them
38:25You can ask any questions by the way
38:26Can I?
38:27No
38:28Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
38:30Can we not?
38:31Someone's got a bit of power behind the desk
38:34Have I not?
38:35If you're not sure
38:36Yeah
38:37Yeah, I'll copy
38:38Okay, you're looking in those answers
38:42So you're going to teabagging, Fordy?
38:44Computers
38:45You're going for the computers
38:47Well, mystery guess
38:49Can you reveal the correct answer please?
38:51And tell us why you've been in the news this week
38:54I went to Las Vegas last week
38:56And I made the final of the Microsoft Excel world championship
38:59What happens at the Microsoft Excel world cup?
39:13So they
39:14Each battle is a 30-minute challenge where you have to answer a hundred questions
39:20On seven levels of increasing difficulty
39:23And you're supposed to use Excel to solve them as quickly as possible
39:26And how did you get into it?
39:28Well, I attended an Excel conference in February
39:31And I saw an advert for the UK chapter of the championship
39:35I thought that looked fun
39:37I tried it out
39:38And I won the UK championship
39:40Hooray!
39:45We don't need AI
39:47No, so what sort of questions did I ask you?
39:50Well, it's a mix of critical thinking, data analysis
39:54And some mathematics involved
39:56For instance, you might be given the names of ten and ten people
40:01And say how many of those names have a B in it?
40:03So it could be quite interesting if you put a context into it
40:07And what are you like with socks and tea bags?
40:09Is it just Excel, Microsoft Excel, or would you do another spreadsheet like pages?
40:17You're supposed to use Excel, but the reigning champion, he was so good
40:21He challenged himself to do one of the rounds in Google Sheets
40:25Oh, a showboater
40:30It's incredible, but if you turn around to your other half and you were just like
40:33By the way, I'm going to Vegas for an Excel world championship
40:38But John, you've got a dart shirt, haven't you, with a new nickname?
40:41I have, I've got a new nickname for you, it's the Excel bullet
40:44LAUGHTER
40:45LAUGHTER
40:48Give that over
40:49Thank you
40:52Parvang, thank you very much!
40:54CHEERING
40:56Legend
40:58Now, John has been punching the news this week
41:02John, what have you got for us?
41:04Hey, would you like to see an utterly perfect clip, which I call
41:08What did you think was going to happen?
41:11Yes, please
41:12LAUGHTER
41:17LAUGHTER
41:19LAUGHTER
41:21LAUGHTER
41:23LAUGHTER
41:25LAUGHTER
41:27LAUGHTER
41:29LAUGHTER
41:31LAUGHTER
41:33APPLAUSE
41:42What else have you got?
41:43Would you like to see some delightful footage of an Australian man
41:46and his leaf blower proving that instant karma exists in Australia?
41:50LAUGHTER
41:51Yes, please!
41:53MUSIC PLAYS
41:58MUSIC CONTINUES
41:59MUSIC CONTINUES
42:02Have we got the dog?
42:03Thank you!
42:06Tries to blow the leaf blower up the dog's anus.
42:08LAUGHTER
42:10We've got an extra one!
42:11APPLAUSE
42:13Oh!
42:14We've got an extra one.
42:15John, this is for you.
42:17This is a message from a Hans winner.
42:19Let's have a look.
42:21Hello, everyone.
42:22At the last leg, it's Tim Pusey.
42:24I'm really happy to accept the Hans Award.
42:26I'd like to thank everyone who nominated me, especially John Richardson.
42:30The Hans Award will look great in the trophy cabinet.
42:34It's a perfect preparation for the world championship.
42:36I'll be beaming with confidence after receiving this.
42:40APPLAUSE
42:41I love that guy.
42:43Now, we've just heard the amount you've raised for Stand Up To Cancer
42:49since it was on air two years ago.
42:51It currently stands at...
42:53The drum roll.
42:5414,212,660 pounds!
42:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:06Ho, ho!
43:07Celebration Time Come on!
43:16Celebration Time Come on!
43:24Ho, ho!
43:26Now, we're about to end the show
43:28With our final Hands Awards, but before we do, would you please thank our guests, Adia Doodoo!
43:36Matt Ford!
43:38My co-host, Alex Brooker!
43:41And my co-host, Josh Winnickam!
43:44And our other co-host, John Richardson!
43:47We'll be back next week with everyone's favourite host, Adam Hills, plus our guests, Fatia El Ghorey, Roisin Conaty.
43:54But for now, let's see who our final Hands Awards go to.
43:58I can be your hands, baby
44:17I can hands away the pain
44:24I will hands by you forever
44:29You can take my hands away
44:37Our penultimate Hands Award of the evening goes to Chris Stevenson and David Spencer.
44:43They are Kevin Sinfield's fellow runners who cover every mile alongside him, completing challenges all in aid of the charity MND.
44:55Kevin was recognised with the Hands Award last year, so this year we're recognising Chris and David too!
45:04Hello to the last leg, thank you very much for this nomination, it means a great deal.
45:10It's an incredible honour and a privilege to represent the MND community, to be part of such an incredible team and to run alongside Kevin.
45:17Mine and Chris's job, as far as I'm concerned, is the easiest and most enjoyable part, running with a mate, for a mate.
45:26It really shines a light on MND and the cruel disease that it is, is good and I feel very humbled that I've been able to see and touch people that have been impacted by this cruel disease.
45:39We will continue to run with a mate, for a mate until we find a cure for MND. Thank you so much.
45:46Our last Hands Award goes to 15 year old Charlotte Gower, who won triple gold as Great Britain secured 12 medals at the Deaf Olympics in Tokyo.
46:01Hello the last leg, I'm so pleased to accept the 2025 Hands Award and extremely grateful to have been nominated for winning 7 medals, including 3 golds for Great Britain at the Deaf Olympics in Tokyo last month.
46:14I hope this award will help raise the profile of Deaf Sport and give Deaf athletes the recognition they deserve.
46:20Thanks again to everyone who nominated me, it means a lot.
46:28Incredible stuff, that's it for the 2025 Hands Awards!
46:35And bad news, genuinely, we've just heard Hilsie isn't going to make it back, but we've got one more surprise, Hands.
46:43AJ and John, can you take the Hands Mascot costume off to reveal our final winner behind you?
46:51There we go, it's Match Specialist Nurse!
46:54Sarah Gill!
46:55Oh my god!
46:56Oh my god!
46:57Oh my god!
46:58Oh my god!
46:59Oh my god!
47:00I know, thank you!
47:01Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
47:02Thank you, thank you, thank you!
47:03Thank you, thank you, thank you!
47:04Our last time of Stand Up to Cancer, our names are Josh Winnikam and Alex Booker.
47:07We'll see you next week for the next league.
47:09Let's sing!
47:10I can be your hands, baby!
47:17I can hands away the pegs, oh yeah!
47:23I'm all hands by you forever!
47:26You can take my hands away!
47:33You can take my hands away!
47:36Thank you, definitely be trayiudio!
47:43Thank you very much.
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