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Short filmTranscript
00:00Rob and I are back.
00:06It looks a bit like you're my guide.
00:10Throwing ourselves into the biggest challenges.
00:12Check, check, check.
00:15With the help of the world's best.
00:17You still own the office.
00:20Together we're going on a journey of discovery.
00:23No, no, no.
00:25To find out what we like.
00:27Oh wow, Rob, that's amazing.
00:29And what we don't.
00:30This feels like it's all going to come out.
00:33This week, we're heading to Mumbai.
00:36Right, relax, relax, relax.
00:38Home to one of the world's biggest film industries, Bollywood.
00:42Action.
00:43We'll be getting help from some of its biggest stars.
00:46Have you ever seen anybody that looks like this in a Bollywood feature?
00:49No.
00:49As we try to earn roles in a blockbuster Bollywood movie.
00:53So here we are, Rob.
01:04Mumbai.
01:05Oh, wow.
01:06It's quite overwhelming, isn't it?
01:08Oh my God, it's so close.
01:10Oh, I'm really impressed.
01:12Right, relax, relax, relax.
01:13It's my first time in India.
01:16I'd say there's a lot to take in, Rob.
01:19Yeah.
01:20It's an unusual decision to dress as the empire when you've done it.
01:27It looks a bit like you're my guide.
01:28You've been here before.
01:33Any tips you'd give me to that blend in?
01:35I've been here once.
01:37Lasted more than once.
01:38Why?
01:41TV work.
01:41Right.
01:42Why did you pause?
01:46Also, Rob, I'm a bit worried.
01:48Yeah, go on.
01:48I've had a bit of an upset for stomach.
01:51Since you've got here?
01:52No, before I got here.
01:53Did you have, like, a warm-up curry before you came?
01:55No, no, I actually had a cheese and pickle sandwich before I left.
01:59Do you know what?
02:01I could imagine how this went.
02:03Lou, go to India tomorrow.
02:05Can you, can I have the whitest thing in the world?
02:08I did.
02:09Fill me up with bread and dairy, babe.
02:12I'm off to India.
02:18Bollywood.
02:19Yeah.
02:19The ideal scenario is, Rom, to complete this mission, we get a part in a Bollywood movie.
02:23That's got to be the aim, yeah?
02:24Yeah.
02:25I know this sounds weird, but I think you've got a better chance of that than I have.
02:30Really?
02:30Because you've got, like, more of a unique look.
02:33I do feel like this is the show I get cancelled on.
02:35Yeah.
02:36Me attempting Bollywood.
02:37The only thing I would say is, like, on TikTok, which is banned over here, every time you see,
02:43like, a white guy who turns up to an Indian wedding and, like, nails the dance or whatever,
02:47it goes viral.
02:48Yeah.
02:48And that's, yeah.
02:49Yeah.
02:49I think if you manage to get over doing something cultural, I think, I genuinely, I'm not just
02:54saying this.
02:55Yeah.
02:55I think you could be a megastar over here.
02:58I honestly believe that.
02:59Bollywood is one of the world's biggest film industries, famed for its big dance numbers
03:06and incredible action sequences.
03:09If we had any chance of making it here, we desperately needed some help.
03:13So we tracked down the perfect person to get us on our way, a Bollywood star who's gone
03:20on to break Hollywood, Ali Fasau.
03:23From his breakout comedy performance in Bollywood classic Fukri to taking on full throttle blockbuster
03:29action in Fast and Furious 7.
03:31240 miles per hour, top speed.
03:34And it's bulletproof.
03:37Ali's range made him the guy to help us on our mission.
03:39We were dropping in on him during a photo shoot to pick his brains on all things Bollywood.
03:45Hi, Rob.
03:45Nice to meet you.
03:46Hi, yes.
03:46Hi, yes.
03:47How's it going?
03:48You all right?
03:48Oh, you look at this guy.
03:50You look great.
03:51Basically, we're trying to, one, find out about Bollywood as a phenomenon and, two, get a part
03:57in something.
03:57Yeah.
03:58Yeah, genuinely.
03:59And the truth is, have you ever seen anybody that looks like this in a Bollywood feature?
04:03No.
04:05No.
04:05What?
04:05What do you mean?
04:06It's unique.
04:07Really?
04:08I'm kidding.
04:08I'm kidding.
04:09I mean, no.
04:10Anybody can become an actor.
04:11Anybody can, like, enter Bollywood.
04:13It's diverse.
04:14So, what's the main differences you've done both between Hollywood and Bollywood, would
04:17you say?
04:18What's the big difference?
04:19Well, I mean, the economics, I think.
04:24Which one's better?
04:25Which one pays more?
04:26Well, I mean, the English side.
04:27Yeah.
04:28Yeah.
04:28Right.
04:29Seriously?
04:29Especially, like, Bollywood sets.
04:30The ones with the songs, 500 dancers.
04:33It gets really crazy on a set, right?
04:34You've got to be really, really, like, zen inside.
04:38So, it's going to be overwhelming and hectic, so we've got to try and be as...
04:41It can be, especially because you're white, so you're going to be a minority.
04:44Yeah.
04:45But I do like attention.
04:47You know what?
04:47You should be in front of the camera.
04:49Like, step one, I think, would be to just get photos.
04:51Okay.
04:52And we take it from there.
04:53So, Ali was going to help us out and let us use his team to get a portfolio of headshots.
04:58Just like the biggest Bollywood stars, we were getting a lookbook for Ali to send to
05:02Mumbai's biggest casting agents.
05:05Part of becoming an actor in any industry is you've got to have a portfolio done so you
05:08can go for castings and stuff like that.
05:10Yeah, very nice.
05:11Yeah, yeah.
05:11We like a bit of that.
05:12It's all good.
05:12I genuinely am quite excited about bringing Rob Beckett to Bollywood.
05:18If we can overcome Rob's inability to dance, his complete inability to connect with any
05:23kind of music and also teach him Hindi, I genuinely think this guy could be massive.
05:29But it was clear that Rob had a long way to go.
05:33Wow.
05:34Are you real?
05:36What does wow mean over here?
05:38Luckily for me, Ali had brought along Bollywood costume designer, Rick Roy, to help style
05:44us.
05:44This is Rick.
05:45Hi.
05:45I think, I mean, we need a lot of help.
05:48Yes.
05:48And maybe we can, like, spice things up.
05:49Yes.
05:50So, I think Copverse is really, really big in Bollywood.
05:53Like, every actor who is, like, trying to make it big, they always do a cop film.
05:58Because that's where all the...
05:58Okay, a cop film.
05:59So, Copverse.
06:01I mean, that's what I'm calling it.
06:02Right, okay.
06:04Copverse is one of Bollywood's biggest film franchises.
06:07And this was the first look Rick was about to try on us.
06:10We have options of names, whatever you're, like, kind of feeling it.
06:13Anyone's that say Paul?
06:15Uh, Rajiv Kumar Singh.
06:17I think I'm more of a Rajiv.
06:18It could be Rajiv Kumar Singh.
06:19Rajiv Kumar Singh.
06:20I'm more of a Rajiv Kumar Singh to me.
06:22Do you get many sort of white cops from South East London in the Indian police force?
06:27Not really.
06:28No.
06:28No.
06:28But I'm not.
06:29I'm an actor and I'm Rajiv Kumar Singh.
06:31One important part of the Copverse is to have a moustache only and no beard.
06:38Because cops don't have beard.
06:39You have to shave your fuzz and come back with just a moustache because it's very macho to have a moustache.
06:47We were a cutthroat shave away from entering the Copverse.
06:51Yeah, I'm ready.
06:52Yeah, yeah.
06:53Perfect.
06:54And this was already feeling like a bad idea.
06:57You seem quite nervous.
06:58What I'm nervous about is just looking like a Tamil guy from some exotic, erotic movie from the 70s.
07:06Uh, Rob, on the other hand, with a moustache, I predict unacceptable.
07:10The beards were gone in minutes, but we hadn't dared look in the mirror and the moment of truth arrived.
07:16Right, you ready?
07:17Three, two, one.
07:19Oh my God.
07:20Whoa.
07:21Whoa.
07:23Whoa.
07:24Oh my God.
07:26Why is your cheek so pale?
07:31Are you white?
07:31Rob, Rob, I'm not being funny.
07:32I'm not taking any banter from you about how I look.
07:35What, I...
07:35You genuinely look like you've got something buried under your patio.
07:39I look like a hard man from the 70s in a football team.
07:41You look like a fucking serial killer.
07:43Let's see what you start with the glasses.
07:45That's got a lot worse.
07:48Oh my God.
07:49I look like a fucking Asian Albert Einstein.
07:51Oh, mine's horrible.
07:57I look like Alpesh Einstein.
07:58I look like Alpesh Einstein.
08:01It was hard to imagine anyone casting us looking like this, but we were only halfway there with our cop-verse look.
08:08Here, this is your shirt.
08:10Oh, thank you.
08:11How are you looking, Rob?
08:12I look mental.
08:13These trousers, I look like they've been painted on.
08:17It was a tight fit, but we were finally ready to reveal our outfits.
08:22Let's see the big reveal.
08:26Ta-da!
08:27Fabulous.
08:31Um, what do you think?
08:33I don't know what to say.
08:35Do you think he looks okay?
08:36Because he looks like he needs a copy of Mein Kampf.
08:41You must have.
08:42Have you got any big trousers?
08:43He looks like one of the biggest defenders of the Aryan race I've ever seen in my life.
08:49Look, I don't think Rob Beckett is an unattractive man.
08:52He's a good-looking guy.
08:53With a moustache, he looks horrible.
08:56Like, horrible.
08:57Glasses off, do you reckon?
08:58I think glasses off for everyone that sees you.
09:01Fuck!
09:02Let's deal with a moustache, okay?
09:04Some people have a moustache that look handsome and hunky.
09:07Some look camp.
09:08Some look like paedophiles.
09:11I'm a paedophile.
09:12Well, no, I'm not, but I look like I'm the paedophile option.
09:16Despite feeling more like a criminal than a cop,
09:18it was time for us to get in front of the camera
09:20and try to sell ourselves as serious Bollywood actors.
09:24Okay, you've got to be intimidated.
09:25Come on, Rob.
09:26Very nice, sir.
09:27Very good.
09:29Yeah.
09:29Fabulous.
09:30Gangster cop.
09:31Oh, wow, Rob.
09:32That's amazing.
09:33Rob had smashed his photo shoot, and now it was my turn.
09:37But if I was to stand any chance of getting a role in Bollywood,
09:40I was going to have to put aside all the obvious problems
09:42and get into character.
09:44I am Rajesh Kumar Singh.
09:46But despite his best efforts, Rob wasn't fooling anyone.
09:53Rob is supposed to be playing Rajesh Kumar Singh.
09:58The camera guy couldn't keep a straight face.
10:01He looks like somebody that moved to Tyrone
10:04under mysterious circumstances.
10:05With a load of headshots already in the bag,
10:12Rick and Ali had one last look for our portfolios,
10:14the traditional romantic lead.
10:17So it's basically a multi-purpose outfit in Bollywood.
10:20You can do this look for, like, celebrations,
10:23you can do it for weddings.
10:24It's all over.
10:25This is why.
10:26This is it.
10:26I don't think this is okay.
10:29Okay, guys, come out.
10:30Let's see what your looks are looking like.
10:32Yeah, I love it.
10:39Also, yeah, perfect.
10:44I'll be honest with you.
10:45I'm not sure what I've got.
10:46It's all right.
10:48See, now I just feel like, like what?
10:52I don't know.
10:53It just looks strange, doesn't it?
10:55Look, Romesh looks sensational.
10:57The colour they gave you really suits his skin tone.
11:00He looks unbelievable.
11:00Romesh arrives with praise.
11:03I arrive with questions.
11:05Do you know what he looks like?
11:06He looks like he's doing five weeks in Worthing for the panto.
11:10Okay, let's get you in.
11:12So how should we be posing?
11:14Is it like...
11:14Yes.
11:16Could Rob be a romantic lead?
11:18Yes.
11:19If the other character in the relationship was an animal.
11:22Very nice.
11:25There you go.
11:26Have you ever done a white guy before?
11:28Not this fight.
11:31Romantic leads still felt like a long shot for Rob.
11:33But with Rick and Ali's help, we'd managed to complete our portfolios and were one step
11:38closer to breaking into Bollywood.
11:40Oh, my God.
11:41Yeah, I think the pictures are done.
11:51That's nice.
11:52That's a good one.
11:53And do you think we've got any potential?
11:54I think so.
11:55We'll edit them a little and send them to the producers.
11:57Why don't you focus on acting lessons?
11:59Yeah, we're up for that, aren't we?
12:00Yeah.
12:01That'll help, I think.
12:02All right.
12:03Well, look, we'll do that.
12:04But seriously, best of luck.
12:05Great.
12:06Thanks.
12:06Thanks.
12:07All right.
12:07We'll be in touch.
12:07Thanks, man.
12:08Thank you very much.
12:09Thank you so much.
12:13Rom and I are on a mission to break into Bollywood.
12:16Ta-da!
12:17After learning the tricks of the trade from Bollywood star Ali Fazal.
12:21Oh, my God.
12:22We now looked the part and we were ready to up our game.
12:26Why don't you focus on acting lessons?
12:28Yeah, we're up for that, aren't we?
12:29Yeah.
12:30But as we set off from the gateway of India for a spot of sightseeing before school tomorrow,
12:35something was on my mind.
12:37Right, so we've done our photo shoot stuff with the moustache.
12:42Are we keeping this, then, for the rest of the Bollywood adventure?
12:45What are we doing?
12:45I think we sort of have to.
12:46Yeah, we can't go back now.
12:47I can't go clean shaven.
12:48All clean shaven, for me, is worse.
12:50For me, same.
12:50I think for the rest of this trip, certainly, we're the Tash Bros.
12:53But I think if I'm super confident, people won't question it.
12:57So it's like, oh, you've got a moustache.
12:58Yeah.
12:59Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do.
13:00That feels quite, like, quite defensive.
13:02Not confident.
13:03Sexy.
13:04No.
13:04Powerful.
13:04No, it feels like it's, you've got a chip on your shoulder about it.
13:07OK, we've just met each other.
13:08Put your hand there.
13:08Rob, nice to meet you.
13:09Hey, man.
13:10Oh, you've got a Tash too?
13:11Yeah.
13:11I like it.
13:12OK, yeah, I like yours as well.
13:14Thanks.
13:15I don't like that.
13:16No?
13:17No.
13:18Why not?
13:18How about this?
13:19Oh, you're a sex offender as well?
13:28To kickstart our acting ambitions, the next day we headed into one of India's top drama schools,
13:34Actor Prepares Academy in Mumbai, founded by Bollywood icon Anupam Ker.
13:38With a career spanning over four decades, in acclaimed roles ranging from Bollywood dad
13:44in Dilwalia, Dulhania, Lajiange.
13:46I am proud of you, my son.
13:48To therapy guru in the Oscar-winning Silver Linings playbook, Anupam's an absolute giant
13:54of world cinema.
13:55Hello.
13:56Hi.
13:57Hi.
13:57Hi.
13:57And with his school's track record of producing some of India's finest actors, it was the
14:02perfect place to help us on our Bollywood journey.
14:06So when did you start the academy?
14:07About 20 years back, our tagline is, we bring out the actor in you.
14:12Well, that's one of the problems that we've got, I think, if I can speak on behalf of both
14:15of us.
14:15Yes.
14:16We're quite inhibited.
14:18Musical-wise, that's probably our biggest obstacle.
14:21Yeah, that's going to be...
14:21Obstacle?
14:22Obstacle, yeah.
14:23I can't dance.
14:24Okay.
14:25You can't dance?
14:25No.
14:26You've done 500 films?
14:27Yeah, I've danced.
14:28So I go speak to the choreographer and I say, either the camera should be on my feet or
14:34on my face.
14:35Never at the same time?
14:36Never in the body.
14:38So it will be, face will be doing...
14:39And the feet will be doing the same.
14:41But together, it will be so difficult.
14:44So as long as you get one?
14:45Yeah.
14:46Yeah, that makes sense.
14:47That is a great tip.
14:48That is a great tip.
14:49That's brilliant.
14:50I think the moment you do not worry about making a fool of yourself, you can act.
14:56Yeah.
14:56Okay.
14:57Especially in today's time, you don't want to be a fool.
14:59So you do a balanced acting where you do not look stupid and you cannot act brilliantly.
15:05Right.
15:05So you are competent and I think competence is the biggest enemy of brilliance.
15:10Oh, yes, I love this.
15:11This is so good.
15:12What about us?
15:13Because obviously...
15:14Yeah, do you think our faces are assets?
15:15I think you look very good for a lot of roles.
15:17Even me, because obviously, Bollywood...
15:20I would like to say, yeah.
15:21Yeah.
15:22Really?
15:22So, yeah.
15:23You can be a curious man who is always curious to find out.
15:28So a curious man...
15:29A man who will hide behind a tree and sort of will check out...
15:31Like a pervert.
15:32Sorry?
15:33Sort of like a pervert.
15:34Yeah.
15:35We can train you.
15:36In five minutes, I can make you feel that you can act.
15:39Really?
15:39Yeah.
15:40Well, listen, we are open to learning.
15:42And just be free and go for it and have no fear.
15:45Is that right?
15:46I think you should be ready to make it full of yourself.
15:49You can become a good actor.
15:50Okay, okay.
15:52So, to help us loosen up and lose our inhibitions...
15:56Anupam was teaming us up with his senior acting coach, Paresh Parekh.
15:59Let's go.
16:00Yeah.
16:01So let's...
16:03Let's begin with the first lesson of the day.
16:07It's voice work.
16:08Okay.
16:09Voice work, yeah.
16:10So just talk about something.
16:12Have you spoken to Lisa and the kids?
16:16Yeah.
16:18Theo's not very happy with the moustache.
16:20You sort of said you haven't really done that to your face.
16:21Okay, fine.
16:22So, can you raise the volume, please?
16:25Yeah, of course.
16:26What's his problem?
16:28I don't know.
16:28I just feel like he finds it embarrassing.
16:30You know, like I post it up on Instagram and now all of his mates are going,
16:33your dad looks like a nonce.
16:35It's just a bit of an embarrassing, horrible situation.
16:37Okay, so now can you raise the pitch?
16:39Yeah, sure.
16:40And so, basically, it's a situation where he sort of finds it difficult
16:45because opinion of his friend is important to him.
16:47Fine.
16:47So, can you try this?
16:49Yeah.
16:50Do you think the voice is ever going to help with the moustache
16:53when he sees this back and all his friends go,
16:55your dad looks like a pervert but also sounds like a child?
16:59Okay.
17:00I think he'll think that the other person looks much more like a sex offender than he does.
17:04I don't think his voice is helping anyone.
17:06Fine.
17:07Now you're using the false tone of the voice.
17:11Okay.
17:12Yeah.
17:12I want to use your...
17:13I think one of the things that holds me back is inhibition.
17:17It's sort of embarrassment.
17:19I think Rob has got that less.
17:21Rob has got sort of a self-confidence and a self-belief that,
17:25in my opinion, exceeds his talent.
17:28Oi, come in.
17:29I've still got a lot of hope that I am sort of sitting on the great white rhino of Bollywood
17:33and I think that today, if he shows something about himself,
17:38I don't have to do this anymore.
17:39I just become Rob's manager and they call him, I don't know, Ghost or something like that.
17:45And he becomes the biggest thing in the Indian film industry.
17:49That's the big hope.
17:50That's the big white hope.
17:51Paresh had one last exercise to help us lose our inhibitions.
17:56And worryingly, it involved roleplay and a camcorder.
17:59Okay, let's go to the second exercise.
18:03Okay.
18:04There's a situation.
18:05And you are in bus.
18:08You both are passengers.
18:09Yep.
18:09You are standing.
18:10And you are singing a song.
18:14Okay.
18:14And suddenly, he bumps to you because driver suddenly breaks and you get pissed off.
18:22Okay.
18:22And he says, what can I do when driver is doing this?
18:26Yeah.
18:27Again, you start singing.
18:29Yeah.
18:29And this time, the bumping person is in the opposite direction.
18:33Someone new.
18:34And you are really pissed off.
18:36And now you are shouting at that person.
18:38Yeah.
18:39That person turns out to be a girl.
18:42Right.
18:42And you suddenly smile.
18:44Okay.
18:45It's okay.
18:46Now you are pissed off that I bump to you, you have shouted at me.
18:51And that's a girl.
18:52Yeah.
18:52You're smiling.
18:53Yeah.
18:54Prick.
18:55You have to act this in gibberish.
18:57In gibberish?
18:58In gibberish?
18:59Gibberish.
19:07Okay.
19:07Everything in gibberish.
19:09Okay.
19:09You can't a single English word.
19:12Okay.
19:12You both are standing.
19:14And one, two, three, go.
19:18Salelulai, la-lala, lale, lale..
19:24Salelabalo!
19:27Hop!
19:32Salelabalo!
19:33What did I say?
19:35Yes!
19:37Salelulai, la-lala, la-lau!
19:44Salelulai, la-lala.
19:48No?
19:49No?
19:50Yes?
19:51No one says he says to me,
19:53No one says he says
19:54I'm not saying he does.
19:56No one says that.
20:00To the same person says
20:02I'm saying this.
20:05No one says he does.
20:08I'm saying that he does not.
20:12No one says that.
20:16That's right.
20:17That's a good one.
20:20That's a good one.
20:28So, let's see the result.
20:31What you achieve.
20:35It turns out, Paresh was filming us so we could watch back and study our performances.
20:40But all I could focus on was how we looked.
20:43Why did he show it back?
20:45Why did you do that?
20:46I do not want to watch a video of me inside profile when the old gobble-gobble toad face comes out
20:53and watch me and Romesh talk gibberish.
20:56I'm half-decent straight on to the side, fucking toad boy.
21:00Fuck me.
21:01It was horrible.
21:02Our profiles are disgusting.
21:05I didn't know what a beard was for.
21:07Now I know it's to hide that.
21:09As for the gibberish thing, there's two possible options.
21:12Option number one, it's useful exercise in being able to act without using any words.
21:17And the other interpretation is that Paresh has some sort of fetish.
21:20It's very niche fantasy, but Paresh was incredibly specific.
21:23He filmed it.
21:24I don't know what he's going to do with that.
21:25He's now left with that footage.
21:27Anna Pam's inhibition course had been an eye-opener, but we'd passed, and we had the T-shirts to prove it.
21:36I actually felt like we learned some stuff today.
21:39I think there's something that was said today that I'll keep with me for the rest of my life,
21:43which is competence is the enemy of brilliance.
21:45Yes.
21:46I like that.
21:47I like Paresh a lot.
21:48And sometimes he'd go,
21:50out of nowhere.
21:52Yeah.
21:52And I don't know what that meant.
21:54Yeah.
21:54And I just did it back at him.
21:56Yeah.
21:57Is that the right thing to do?
21:58No, yeah, I think so.
21:59I mean, I don't know.
21:59I don't know what you're asking.
22:00You're not Indian, are you?
22:01No.
22:02That's the problem.
22:02That's something I keep forgetting.
22:03What series are we?
22:06Also, he said I look like a pervert.
22:08We've got to Anna Pam.
22:09I know.
22:09He should be pretty sure.
22:10You look like the curious man behind a tree.
22:11Oh, thanks, Anna Pam.
22:13Anna Pam?
22:14Anna Pam.
22:14Oh, God.
22:15Here we go.
22:16And he's cancelled.
22:17Clip it up.
22:18Put it in the trailer.
22:19You can't actually, Anna Pam.
22:21It's just written on me fucking chest.
22:28We were in India hoping to land roles as Bollywood stars.
22:32We'd met Indian movie legend Anna Pam Ker,
22:34who'd helped us lose our acting inhibitions.
22:36Sal-a-lo.
22:39Now all we needed was a film to star in.
22:41And I just had some huge news.
22:44So, Robert.
22:45Yeah?
22:46What did I say was, like, the big thing about us coming here?
22:48Obviously, learn about Bollywood,
22:50but the ultimate dream beyond all dreams.
22:52Be in Bollywood?
22:53Be in Bollywood.
22:54Be in a film?
22:54Yeah.
22:55Got a text from Ali's team.
22:57Yeah?
23:00We've got a part in a Bollywood movie.
23:01Have we?
23:02Yes.
23:02Right, OK.
23:04The film is a sequel to the successful movie,
23:06Rishto Kabatwara, which I remember you talking about a lot.
23:08You like to division.
23:09Yeah, big fan of that.
23:09Got the box set.
23:10It's a drama.
23:11It's not a box set.
23:12It's a film.
23:12Yeah.
23:12You don't have a box set of a film.
23:13Deep Blu-ray.
23:15Rob and Romesh will be playing the role of visitors travelling from a foreign country.
23:18Join Ian in one of the songs in the film.
23:21The song will have the hero and heroine involved, as well as about 20 dancers.
23:25Right, OK.
23:26Finally, and this is the bit I think you're going to be very excited about, Rob will have
23:30a line in Hindi.
23:32Whoa.
23:35What?
23:35Let me look at that.
23:39Is this allowed?
23:43I don't know.
23:43We'll find out in the edit.
23:45Go on.
23:50Which means, why are you fighting?
23:51I'm going to have to speak to someone who can speak Hindi to find out how to say it.
23:54Rob, 100%.
23:56I can't just go on and re-freestyle that.
23:58But listen, we're in Bollywood, baby.
24:00We're in Bollywood?
24:01No, as in we're going to be in a Bollywood film.
24:03Oh, right, yeah.
24:03Sorry.
24:04Yeah.
24:04This isn't Bollywood.
24:05Now we're in Mumbai.
24:07Right, OK.
24:07But where is Bollywood then, actually?
24:09Is there a sign?
24:11There probably is, actually.
24:11I've not seen it, though.
24:13Actually, in hindsight, probably we should have done that.
24:15I'm quite stressed now.
24:16Don't get stressed.
24:17Easy for Rom to say he wasn't the one delivering lines in Hindi in a Bollywood movie, especially
24:22because Ali had warned me what I was in for.
24:25It gets really crazy on a set, right?
24:26Especially, like, Bollywood sets.
24:28You've got to be really, really, like, zen inside.
24:32Right now, zen felt miles off.
24:35Rom was buzzing about our Bollywood debut, but I was going to bed worrying I'd be getting
24:39cancelled mid-scene.
24:40The next day, on Ali's advice, we were travelling east of Mumbai into the countryside on a mission
24:52to find some inner peace.
24:54We were heading to an Ayurveda spa to relax.
24:57Ayurveda is a traditional Indian system of medicine focused on balance and well-being.
25:02Bollywood swears by it.
25:04Stars like Amitabh Bachchan have promoted books on it, and Rohit Roy has raved about it
25:09on social media, so if it worked for them, it could get Beckett in the right frame of
25:13mind for his performance tomorrow.
25:15Rob's sort of pranging out a little bit about it, as he should do, because he wouldn't be
25:19prepared to be in a movie if it was in English.
25:22Is there a strong argument that we should spend today doing some acting lessons and learning
25:26rudimentary Hindi?
25:27Absolutely.
25:28But that's not what we're doing.
25:29We're coming here to get, like, really very zen, and rather than Rob learning the Hindi,
25:34he will become Hindi.
25:38We'd gone for the Ayurvedic taster menu, and based on the welcome, it wasn't going to
25:43be your average spa day.
25:50This is what you've got to wear.
25:52For a massage?
25:53Yeah.
25:53Can I put it around my waist?
25:56Our first treatments were Ayurvedic massages, in traditional Ayurvedic dress.
26:01If you undid a loo roll completely, and attached a string to it, that's what we've got to wear.
26:13And then I assume, after you've finished the treatments, you burn that immediately.
26:17It's going on there.
26:18What?
26:19Well, I've got three of them on.
26:21They've put three in the room.
26:24So, please.
26:25Romesh looked like a giant baby, because he'd made a special loincloth out of his loincloth.
26:32Absolutely horrendous.
26:34I was having a treatment called Piri Chil.
26:36Basically, warm oil poured all over me.
26:39Rob was getting a massage called Kishiradara, which involved milk.
26:44Oh, it's going colder.
26:45I feel like I'm watching you all only fast.
26:51I feel like you're milk tripping out of your mouth.
27:01No one tripping out of your mouth.
27:06Having milk poured all over you.
27:08Sorry.
27:09He's going to be finding cottage cheese in his crack.
27:12This couldn't look worse.
27:13He's going to smell like an edam.
27:18It's a little milky.
27:20What it looked like was, Rob's dick had been murdered and they put a shroud over it for its decency.
27:25Is that nice, like a massive?
27:27Yeah.
27:27It's good.
27:28It's not slipping.
27:33My skin cannot be more oil.
27:38I'm ready to go in the fucking air fryer.
27:40I was feeling a little more zen after the milk massage, but with ropes involved in our next treatment, things are about to get a lot more intense.
27:50You walk into a room that looks like it's somewhere where they'd extract sort of secrets from you.
28:01The rope coming from the ceiling.
28:04You think this might be the last room I ever walk into?
28:06You have to lie down, face down, okay?
28:09Okay.
28:09Prone.
28:10Prone.
28:11I will put you in position.
28:13Prabhat's a master in the art of Chavuti Turumal, an Ayurvedic technique that means foot pressure.
28:18Full body, deep tissue, all done with the feet.
28:22Basically, Beckett was about to get trampled.
28:24I'm a big fan of Prabhat, but he is using his feet, and I'm firmly of the belief that feet should not be seen.
28:33They're certainly not for applying oil and rubbing you up and down your body.
28:39Oh, that felt...
28:40Your Achilles tendon went between his toes there.
28:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:44It felt like the tendon was a credit card, and his toes was a machine.
28:49I think I might use your asscrackers chip and pin in a minute.
28:51Oh, sphinx position, please.
28:55Sphinx?
28:55Yeah.
28:56Oh, there you go.
28:57I'd say there's probably the worst way my body could look.
29:00Yeah, there you go.
29:02My little Womble tits hanging down.
29:05Oh, the tits.
29:07The tits.
29:11Oh, my gosh.
29:13He's using it like a ski slope.
29:16He's doing slalom on the bottom of your back.
29:18Face up, please.
29:21I've seen absolutely everything in profile.
29:25Have you ever looked up at the sun for a second, and you look away, and that image is still in your eye?
29:30That's what it was like with Rob's dick and balls.
29:37Oh, no.
29:40Okay.
29:40No way.
29:42It's just enough.
29:43No.
29:44What do you think is going to happen now?
29:51Okay.
29:51Right.
29:52Fuck it.
29:53Fuck it.
29:54Oh, my God.
29:55God.
30:02Oh, my gosh.
30:03It's like a new creep on it.
30:05I've never even felt like this before.
30:06Sorry, what the fuck is going on?
30:15Oh, my God.
30:17Are you joking?
30:21Even like that?
30:23Sort of tweaking his nose with his foot.
30:26It's his foot.
30:27Okay.
30:27That's it.
30:29Thank you very much.
30:29Now, Rob, be careful now.
30:31Rob, be...
30:32Oh, fuck it.
30:33Or don't.
30:35I was up.
30:36Please lay down.
30:37Probe.
30:37I'd love to, yeah.
30:38Probe.
30:39And my foot aversion was about to be put to the test.
30:42I don't want to do this.
30:43It's good to finally get some oil on my skin.
30:45But I had about three to four minutes where I wasn't completely oiled up from top to bottom,
30:51so that's good.
30:52And it didn't take long for Prabhak to turn me into a human doormat.
30:55It'd be good for your marathon training.
30:58You're supposed to get time on feet, not time under feet.
31:00Whacka, whacka.
31:03And as Prabhak hit me with a sphinx, and then the ski slope, it was only a match of time
31:10before the inevitable happened.
31:12Here we go.
31:13Welcome to the Thunderdome.
31:15Oh, no.
31:17Oh.
31:22Oh, my.
31:27What is happening?
31:31Here it comes.
31:36Close your eyes, please.
31:37OK, yeah.
31:38Gladly.
31:39Why are you laughing, brother?
31:42Don't forget his nose, brother.
31:45Oh, my God.
31:48Come on.
31:51Buy me a drink first.
31:52All right.
31:55OK, sir.
31:57Thank you so much.
31:58That was lovely.
32:05Thank you so much, Prabhak.
32:11The show that you are.
32:14You look like a fucking gatto.
32:15Having Prabhak put his foot on my face felt like the natural end to our Ayurvedic journey.
32:21But we still had one more treatment to go.
32:24Shiro basti.
32:26It involved dough, a hat, and more oil.
32:29This is what, a pastry turban?
32:31I just never felt so helpless.
32:33I just don't know what I am anymore.
32:34I'll tell you, you're about to be a pie.
32:35The paste was a mystery until the hats went on.
32:39It was there to seal them to our heads so they could pour in the oil.
32:43It's good, actually.
32:44It's been about seven or eight minutes since I've had some oil applied.
32:47We'd been thoroughly oiled and told to sit back, relax, and enjoy the feeling.
32:53I started in a position that means the only way this stays straight up is if I look at your crotch.
33:05That's a good look.
33:08Please, Rob, don't.
33:10Rob, don't.
33:11Do you like it?
33:13I'm feeling de-stressed.
33:14All I can see, all I can't, this angle's terrible.
33:17You're going to sleep well tonight.
33:19Shall we take a closer back up?
33:20Please.
33:23You know what I think would have been a good treatment?
33:25A lesson in Hindi.
33:29I don't know if that's right or not.
33:32It had been a mixed day.
33:33Part relaxing, part traumatic.
33:36Rob had barely practiced for his role tomorrow,
33:38but we ticked Ayurveda off the Bollywood to-do list.
33:41All that was left now was to become Bollywood stars.
33:47We're in India, taking on Bollywood.
33:53Thanks to our mentor, Ali Fazal,
33:55we'd somehow ended up in a film,
33:57and unbelievably, Rob had been given a line in Hindi.
34:00Kayan gada kagreho.
34:03Ka-
34:03Kayan g-
34:04Is this allowed?
34:07Today, we were heading north from Mumbai to the film's location,
34:11a set called Focus City.
34:13If you'd have said to me at the beginning of this whole thing,
34:15at the end of the week,
34:16you are going to be playing a tourist at Focus City in a Bollywood film,
34:20I would say, what is Focus City?
34:23But here we are.
34:25We're in a Bollywood film.
34:26It's a hell of a day, Mum.
34:28We were here to star in the sequel of Rishtoka Batwara 2,
34:32which translates as Division of Relationships.
34:38The first film was a big hit,
34:40a family drama packed with dance numbers.
34:42So with Bollywood fans already on board,
34:45expectations were high.
34:46This film is a sequel to a film
34:54that on YouTube has got 13 million views, right?
34:57So this is not Rob Beckett's smart TV, right?
35:01Lots of people actually watch this.
35:03First up, we were meeting the film's producer, Mr. Shah.
35:07Yeah, hi.
35:08Good morning.
35:08So he could talk us through the scene.
35:10It's a song sequence in which a hero and heroine
35:15is having a very sweet fight.
35:18Sweet fight, yeah.
35:19Where the heroine says to the hero,
35:22you bring me the Jumka, that is the airing.
35:25The big one.
35:27Then only I will allow you to kiss on my chick.
35:30Oh!
35:31So you are watching all this,
35:33why these people are fighting?
35:35There is one guy who is selling airings.
35:37Yeah.
35:37You get that airing, you go to the heroine,
35:40and then you have to explain it in one line in Hindi.
35:44Yes, yes.
35:45Like,
35:45Go on, he's doing the line, he's got this.
35:49Only little word in Hindi.
35:51All right, great.
35:51And you can take part when the song is going on,
35:54you can just do whatever kind of...
35:55Okay, great.
35:56Yeah.
35:56You met my director?
35:57No.
35:58No, not yet.
35:58KDG?
35:59KDG?
35:59It's busy.
36:01Hi.
36:02Rob, nice to meet you.
36:04Yeah.
36:04Hello.
36:04He's Rob and he's Robin.
36:06Hi.
36:06Nice to meet you.
36:07It's too hard, it's too hard.
36:08It's hard, isn't it?
36:09It's hard.
36:09So he's my director?
36:11Yeah.
36:11He told you what you were supposed to do.
36:12He told you what you were supposed to do.
36:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:13Perfect.
36:14He's been in X, man.
36:15Brilliant.
36:15Thank you so much.
36:16Thank you so much.
36:16See you, Rob.
36:18Looking around,
36:20the production was big,
36:21and the thought of Rob dancing
36:22and trying to speak Hindi in front of everyone
36:24was too good to be true.
36:26I can't wait.
36:28I'm absolutely buzzing.
36:30I feel like it's my birthday.
36:32While Ron was chilling with his coffee,
36:34I'd hit the Google Translate panic bar.
36:36Here we go.
36:36Why are you doing this?
36:37Oh, fuck's sake.
36:39I feel like Dom King.
36:42I've brought my prize fighter to Focus City
36:45to be in a film.
36:47You want to speak Hindi?
36:47Yeah, hell yeah, he speaks Hindi.
36:49You want to speak Hindi as you want?
37:00Rob, speak some goddamn Hindi, boy.
37:07I'd said my line so many times
37:09I didn't even know if it was right anymore.
37:10But with the cast and crew gearing up
37:15and filming about to start,
37:17we got the call to costume.
37:19And once we put on our tourist outfits,
37:22the line felt like the least of my worries.
37:25So what do you think?
37:26What are we playing again?
37:27Tourists?
37:28Yeah, some sort of tourist.
37:29I've got to guess what type.
37:30The through line of me being a pervert
37:33in this show is not stopping, is it?
37:36No.
37:36I think you'd suit the look.
37:38I mean, I think the socks and sandals
37:39are doing most of the heavy lifted.
37:41What I want to know is
37:42what are us two on holiday doing?
37:48Well, now that's the question, isn't it?
37:51Yeah, we just go, yeah,
37:53we're on a little trip.
37:54We've gone to India, Cambodia, Thailand.
37:57Have a little look about.
37:58Yeah.
37:59Feel more welcome over here
38:01than a new back at home.
38:03All right, come on, shall we go do it?
38:08We had three scenes to shoot
38:09that made up one big dance number,
38:11but we were still trying to get our heads
38:13around the story.
38:14It's a very confusing narrative.
38:17We're two tourists.
38:18Let's not get into specifics of what we're doing.
38:21How we've come together,
38:22why we're wearing what we're wearing,
38:23all of that, I think,
38:24makes it a much darker project.
38:27First, we had to watch the loved-up couple
38:29have a barney over a pair of earrings
38:31while we stared through a window
38:33like a pair of creeps.
38:35Luckily, KD was on hand
38:36to guide us through it.
38:37I'll tell you.
38:38Look at each other.
38:39Okay.
38:39Then you'll come and look.
38:40What's going on?
38:41I'm a big fan of KD.
38:42He looks like Sherman Clump
38:43the later years.
38:45Ready? Ready?
38:46I'll be here.
38:48Okay.
38:48You'll tell me when.
38:49I'll say go.
38:50I love the fact
38:51that he's very nice to us
38:52but then shouts at anyone brown
38:53that works on the show.
38:54Eugene, come here.
38:55Eugene, come here.
38:57Hey, don't you want to do it?
38:58So then you do this
39:00and then you come here.
39:01Take it.
39:04I'll tell you.
39:05Go and then look each other.
39:07Yeah.
39:07Then start dancing.
39:09Okay.
39:10Look each other.
39:15The way our little heads pop out,
39:23I don't know if this is a massive stitch up
39:25because at the moment
39:26what it feels like is
39:27this is the most mental thing I've ever done.
39:29Oh, of course.
39:32Is that okay?
39:33You got tired.
39:34Yeah, I didn't get tired.
39:35But no.
39:36That was longer, wasn't it?
39:37Nah.
39:38Nah.
39:39Cool.
39:40In the next part of the scene,
39:42our characters were joined by a bloke
39:43in a scarf who was selling earrings,
39:45Jumka,
39:46that we were going to buy
39:47to please the leading lady.
39:49And unfortunately for us,
39:50this meant the start
39:51part of our big dance sequence.
39:57So we were shown
39:58the classic Bollywood dance move,
40:00the Thumka.
40:03And once KD was happy,
40:05we were ready to go for a take.
40:07Roll.
40:08And down.
40:10What's going on?
40:11What's going on?
40:13Wow.
40:14Jumka, Jumka.
40:16Ah, Jumka!
40:17Jumka!
40:17Ah!
40:21And once we'd started,
40:23Jumka!
40:24it didn't stop.
40:27Fucking hell,
40:28how long's this going for?
40:31Just, how long is this Jumka tune?
40:34I dance more today
40:36for those scenes
40:37than I have done
40:38at every Asian wedding
40:39I've ever been to
40:40added together.
40:41Okay!
40:42Thank God!
40:44All good?
40:46Thankfully,
40:47the dancing was done.
40:48But that meant it was time
40:49for Rob's line.
40:50and he wasn't looking good.
40:52I'm absolutely exhausted already
40:54and it's happened, Jet.
40:55It's 39 degrees.
40:56The geezer said to me,
40:57this is an Indian heat wave.
40:58I can't handle
40:59a British heat wave.
41:00I was melted in the heat
41:02and KD was
41:03pressuring me to rehearse.
41:04What's the dialogue?
41:05Why are you doing this?
41:07Why are you doing this?
41:09Why are you doing this?
41:10Why are you doing this?
41:11Why are you doing this?
41:11Why are you doing this?
41:12I've got no idea
41:14what the line is anymore.
41:15Why are you doing this?
41:15Why are you doing this?
41:16Jagra.
41:16Jagra.
41:17Jagra.
41:18Jagra.
41:18Every single
41:20Indian actor
41:21or producer
41:22or director
41:22that comes up to me
41:23has a different accent
41:24and pronounces it
41:25in a different way.
41:26Why are you doing this?
41:29Jagra.
41:30Why are you doing this?
41:31Why are you doing this?
41:33I don't know.
41:34Everyone says it differently.
41:36I think it's accents.
41:38You know,
41:38like in the UK
41:38people have got different accents.
41:40So it's like,
41:40I feel like an Italian player
41:41that's signed for Liverpool.
41:43I've learned English
41:44and everyone's a scouser.
41:45Rob was all over the place.
41:47Hearing the line
41:48pronounced 20 different ways
41:49had scrambled his brain.
41:51Kyong Jagra Karahi Ho.
41:52Hello.
41:53You don't shout the line
41:55at everybody.
41:56You cannot get in my head right now.
41:58Show me how you're going to do it.
42:00Kyong.
42:01That sounds tough.
42:02It's a bit Chinese, yeah.
42:04But don't worry about that.
42:04Don't get that in your head about that.
42:06Now we had to deliver it in Hindi
42:07in front of the entire cast and crew
42:10and eventually
42:11millions of Bollywood fans.
42:13Oh, fuck.
42:15But if he nailed it,
42:16he'd be a bona fide
42:17Bollywood movie star.
42:19Ready?
42:20Rolling.
42:21Roll.
42:22Rolling.
42:24Action.
42:25Here's our big Bollywood moment
42:27in Rishtok Abarthwara 2.
42:28Bollywood movie star.
42:58Bollywood movie star.
43:03Bollywood movie star.
43:04Bollywood movie star.
43:05Bollywood movie star.
43:08Bollywood movie star.
43:14Kyong Jagra Karahi Ro.
43:16Yelow.
43:19Happy World.
43:21Thank you so much.
43:23Woo!
43:24Oh
43:28Okay, it's done. Oh, yeah, I'm quite excited. I did it in one take which is a bit of a
43:37You know everyone I'm a one-time wonder
43:42But I do think it had something to do with lunch
43:46Because they were like right time lunch
43:48Was that okay?
43:53Our Bollywood adventure was complete. We'd acted danced being oiled and somehow survived it
43:59Robert nailed his line first time which honestly I never thought would happen, but cometh the hour cometh the great white rhino
44:07Do you know what Rob? I think we've done well here
44:10Yeah, I think you've done particularly well. We had a mission objective. Yeah for this episode. We've done it
44:16Well delivered a line of Hindi dialogue in a film that are you hate music and dancing you danced for ages
44:22I enjoyed it. You'd let go of your inhibitions
44:24I don't know if the foot massage helped in future if I'm trying to learn Hindi
44:28I don't think I need to lay naked face down another man walk on me. No
44:32Never mind on camera. I'll do that my spare time
44:39No, no, sir. No, you were great though. Do you know I think we should do got that head off
44:43Go and find KD see if we can be in part three get some of the backstory for these two perverts
44:49Maybe left out Jim Kerr in London. I'm so sweaty. Is your ass wet?
44:55Don't we can't close the episode like that. I'm not opening it with it. Come on. Let's go
45:00Come on
45:02Come on
45:04Come on
45:06Come on
45:07Come on
45:12Come on
45:43You
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