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00:00:00MÜZİK
00:00:30MÜZİK
00:00:38evolution
00:00:42çıkart ca sperde
00:00:44studies
00:00:45brunch
00:01:00İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:01:02Bu, Richard'a?
00:01:06Tiffani?
00:01:10Bu ne kadar da?
00:01:12Bu ne?
00:01:14Bu ne?
00:01:16Bu ne?
00:01:18Bu ne?
00:01:20Bir günler için bir günler?
00:01:22Evet.
00:01:23Evet, hiç bir süreç bir süreçte bir süreçte.
00:01:25Evet, evet.
00:01:28So you headed home too?
00:01:33Nope.
00:01:34California.
00:01:36Oh, that's where I'm coming from.
00:01:38I know!
00:01:40You knew I was living in California?
00:01:43Nothing else to gossip about in Grand Falls.
00:01:49Do you know that I lost 50 pounds?
00:01:5250 pounds?
00:01:55Where would you put it?
00:01:58Believe me, everywhere.
00:02:02Well, I can't even picture it.
00:02:08I got really big after I had my son.
00:02:11And then stress, it just...
00:02:14So you're married then?
00:02:15Not anymore.
00:02:17Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
00:02:20No, I mean, you didn't know.
00:02:24Divorce can be rough.
00:02:25Yeah, we are.
00:02:30So, you said you're going to California.
00:02:32Vacation, or...?
00:02:34No, to live.
00:02:36I'm moving there.
00:02:37No kidding?
00:02:39Do you think I'll fit in?
00:02:43Sure.
00:02:44Yeah, you'll do great there.
00:02:46You know, you were my inspiration all these years.
00:02:57Oh, come on, we barely knew each other.
00:02:59Seriously, I...
00:03:01I've always admired you, and like, whoa! Richard!
00:03:06You know, just packed up and moved to California, never looking back.
00:03:16Hey, so who Jenna married?
00:03:17Someone from the old gang?
00:03:20Whitey.
00:03:21I married Whitey.
00:03:22Jim the total jock.
00:03:24Jim White Whitey.
00:03:26Mm-hmm.
00:03:27That's him.
00:03:28He was good-looking guy, as I recall.
00:03:30Yeah, not for long.
00:03:32He got old, and he got that receding hairline thing.
00:03:37That's too bad.
00:03:40And bossy.
00:03:42Willie drinks a little too much sometimes.
00:03:46Him and the guys from the football team, they're all still around.
00:03:50The popular kids.
00:03:52I guess.
00:03:54You were popular, as I recall.
00:03:56So were you.
00:03:57You had a lot of friends.
00:04:00Didn't you?
00:04:02Not really.
00:04:03I mean, in the theater crowd, maybe.
00:04:06Oh, yeah.
00:04:07That was your thing.
00:04:08I'd forgotten.
00:04:10I saw you once in...
00:04:13Guys and Dolls?
00:04:15No.
00:04:17That improv thing?
00:04:20Oh, yeah.
00:04:22I never saw you.
00:04:24Well, I only went to that one show.
00:04:29Oh.
00:04:30You know, I gotta use the little girl's room.
00:04:34Oh, sure.
00:04:37You can watch my stuff.
00:05:00You wanna go take a little walk?
00:05:01You remember me?
00:05:02Really?
00:05:03Who could forget you?
00:05:04Cute cheerleader.
00:05:06Tiffany.
00:05:08I always knew you'd get married.
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00:09:27My fairy tale didn't come true either.
00:09:30You had a fairy tale?
00:09:33Of course.
00:09:34Well, you got out, so that's something.
00:09:40I left town, yeah.
00:09:45Problem is, wherever you go, you're still there.
00:09:48What does that mean?
00:09:51It means I've learned that you can't run away from yourself.
00:09:56Who says I'm running?
00:10:00I'm speaking for myself.
00:10:01I'm running.
00:10:03I ran then.
00:10:05Hell, I'm still running.
00:10:06Well, good.
00:10:09Then I'm running too.
00:10:12Running as far away from this town as I can get.
00:10:15To L.A.
00:10:16It's anywhere, really.
00:10:18I just chose L.A. because I heard you done well there.
00:10:22It was fun while it lasted.
00:10:23And I want the sun shine.
00:10:26Mm, that part is good.
00:10:28The problem is, is I don't know what I'm going to do when I get there.
00:10:35Just...
00:10:36Sometimes you just need to stop and reset.
00:10:41You know, you realize your life's off track and, and you have this overwhelming desire to change something.
00:10:51Right.
00:10:52So you think I can either change my job or my relationship or, or, or where I live.
00:11:02Maybe all three.
00:11:03Maybe all three.
00:11:05And four, really, if you include changing your look, which I've done.
00:11:13Yeah, that's just a makeover.
00:11:15Makeovers never really solve anything.
00:11:18True.
00:11:18So I did all that and I knew I was changing my relationship, but it wasn't a big enough change.
00:11:25I mean, it wasn't a, a big enough change to make me become a different person.
00:11:29So then I decided, I need to leave town.
00:11:36Start over.
00:11:39To new beginnings.
00:11:41To new beginnings.
00:11:46Feels like I should at least have some Baileys in this or something.
00:11:51Well, I'm sure there's a bar somewhere.
00:11:54Maybe we should check our flight status first.
00:11:57We don't want to get stuck in the middle.
00:11:58True.
00:11:59If I could only add up all the time I've spent in airport bars.
00:12:27You've traveled a lot?
00:12:28Yeah, you could say that.
00:12:31What kind of work do you do in L.A.?
00:12:33I got involved in art.
00:12:36You have to be very particular.
00:12:39Well, I am a perfectionist.
00:12:41I see that.
00:12:43You have a real thing about you.
00:12:45A thing?
00:12:46What's that mean?
00:12:47Oh, yeah.
00:12:49I noticed.
00:12:50Right away.
00:12:51You have a lot of hair.
00:12:52You have a lot of hair.
00:12:53You have a lot of hair.
00:12:54You have a lot of hair.
00:12:55You have a lot of hair.
00:12:56You have a lot of hair.
00:12:57You have a lot of hair.
00:12:58Not like Whitey at all.
00:12:59Well, Whitey's...
00:13:00I would imagine Whitey's not the kind of guy who would be...
00:13:03You moisturize your face, don't you?
00:13:05And actually, you've done that Botox thing, haven't you?
00:13:11I've seen it before and in magazines, the before and after pictures, the forehead thing.
00:13:18It doesn't move when you smile.
00:13:21Okay, who am I trying to fool?
00:13:22It's just you.
00:13:23So you did do it.
00:13:26Well, it's actually good.
00:13:27I was wondering why I had so many more wrinkles than you and we're both the same age.
00:13:31Oh, you don't have wrinkles.
00:13:33Oh, you need glasses then.
00:13:36Yeah.
00:13:37Is it noticeable?
00:13:39Oh, no.
00:13:40It looks great.
00:13:42Very natural.
00:13:44But you noticed.
00:13:45Well, I noticed the overall package.
00:13:49You know, I could tell you were a perfectionist.
00:13:53I am.
00:13:55But over time I realized I'm a mediocre perfectionist.
00:13:58Which can become problematic.
00:14:02So how come you never got married?
00:14:05What makes you think I wasn't married?
00:14:07Oh, I've had my eye out for the signs.
00:14:09No ring and...
00:14:11Well, I didn't want to make it about me.
00:14:12I mean, you wanted to talk about Whitey and all.
00:14:14So you were married.
00:14:17Yeah.
00:14:19Well, where is she now?
00:14:21Oh, so we're getting personal now.
00:14:22Oh, weren't we?
00:14:27Okay, if you must know, we both kind of left each other.
00:14:32I mean, we went back and forth.
00:14:34In the end, I guess I'm the one who finally left.
00:14:37Relationships are like that.
00:14:39Phases.
00:14:41You know, one moment one person loves the one person more and then it flips.
00:14:47Mmm, they only prolong the inevitable breakup.
00:14:50Maybe. I know there were times that I was determined to leave, but then you just get drawn back in.
00:14:57Until the bad times outweigh the good times.
00:15:00You're really down on the love and fairytale anything, aren't you?
00:15:05Yeah.
00:15:11Hey, two seats opened up at the bar.
00:15:12Hey, can we get a couple more of these when you get a chance?
00:15:26Just add it to my cart.
00:15:28You have your credit card at the bar?
00:15:31Yeah, I figured we'd be here for a little while.
00:15:32Well, let me.
00:15:35Oh, don't worry about it. I got it.
00:15:37No, no, that's okay. I got it.
00:15:40Hey, let a loser in love buy some drinks for another loser in love.
00:15:45One I haven't seen in, what, 15 years?
00:15:51I know, it's like fate or something, our paths crossing like this.
00:15:57You know, it's funny, isn't it?
00:16:02Hey, not so fast.
00:16:05Two losers in love.
00:16:17Don't you have to lose something in order to find yourself?
00:16:23People tell me that's when true character emerges.
00:16:26Interesting.
00:16:28I mean, think about it. If you had the fairytale, where would you be?
00:16:32You'd be shallow and happy.
00:16:36And deep and angst ridden is better?
00:16:39Sure.
00:16:41I don't know if I agree. I want to be happy.
00:16:47I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for the ups and downs that I've experienced.
00:16:52But don't you think it'd be easier to just go back to the beginning?
00:16:58Like high school when you didn't really know that much about yourself or about life.
00:17:03It's just basically starting over with a clean slate.
00:17:06Yeah, I think you're wrong.
00:17:07I think the older that you get there's too much you know about life and people and you know too much for it ever to be simple again.
00:17:17Yeah, maybe it'd just be easier to have less self-awareness. Less of that self-analysis bullshit. Just get back to the basics of life.
00:17:25So you'd rather be ignorant and happy is what you're saying?
00:17:31Sometimes I think so.
00:17:33You don't mean that.
00:17:34It'd be a lot easier.
00:17:35I've been ignorant and happy and I thank God I was so naive.
00:17:43But it was good while it lasted?
00:17:46Not really.
00:17:48No?
00:17:51Well, I thought so at the time.
00:17:54I briefly thought my life was great and perfect.
00:18:00But you realized?
00:18:01Then I realized that I wasn't happy.
00:18:06I was just doing what I thought I should.
00:18:09Like getting married?
00:18:11Well, yeah.
00:18:13I was the cheerleader.
00:18:15He was the jock.
00:18:17We're meant to be together.
00:18:19The happy perfect couple.
00:18:21You were?
00:18:24On the surface.
00:18:25For the show, for our families.
00:18:31Why'd you go through with it then?
00:18:33Honestly, if you thought it was about the show, why would you marry the guy?
00:18:38That's what I thought I wanted.
00:18:42I just...
00:18:44...later realized that I...
00:18:48...I didn't know myself.
00:18:50You had a great personality in school.
00:18:53It's a perky personality.
00:18:55Cheerleader, right?
00:18:57That was the show.
00:19:00I don't follow you.
00:19:02It's like a character.
00:19:04You know, they want you to be a certain way, so you're that...
00:19:08...way.
00:19:09I know what you're saying.
00:19:17You...
00:19:18...you understand?
00:19:22Oh, yeah.
00:19:23More than you realize.
00:19:26I've had to put on a charade in my life.
00:19:29Pretend to be something that I'm not.
00:19:32You have.
00:19:34Absolutely.
00:19:36See, I never saw that.
00:19:39You always...
00:19:41You were just always real.
00:19:43You never cared what anyone thought in high school, and I admired that.
00:19:48Oh, I cared.
00:19:51I cared too much what everyone thought.
00:19:54You did?
00:19:57And now you don't?
00:20:01Now I don't.
00:20:02What was your charade?
00:20:07Well, first, being a guy.
00:20:11You are a guy.
00:20:14Yeah.
00:20:16But I'm not...
00:20:18...guy's guy, you know?
00:20:20I had to pretend.
00:20:22Well, that's just peer pressure.
00:20:24Everybody feels that way in high school.
00:20:27You didn't.
00:20:29I was popular.
00:20:32I had a group.
00:20:34That was the show!
00:20:39Um, I was gay.
00:20:41Very funny, Richard.
00:20:45It's not a joke.
00:20:49Oh, my God.
00:20:51Is that why you left town?
00:20:52Partially, sure.
00:20:54So, when you said you were married before you, uh, meant to, uh, gay lover to a man?
00:21:06A boyfriend. Just call him that.
00:21:08Boyfriend.
00:21:09Boyfriend.
00:21:11And you were married in the gay sense?
00:21:13I don't know what that means.
00:21:15Like, you couldn't legally be married.
00:21:17We lived together.
00:21:19We were committed.
00:21:21Or so I thought.
00:21:22He cheated on you?
00:21:23We had an open relationship.
00:21:24He just never seemed gay to me and...
00:21:26...and...
00:21:28...you just...
00:21:29...never seemed gay to me and...
00:21:30...I don't know what that means.
00:21:32I don't know what that means.
00:21:34I don't know what that means.
00:21:36I don't know what that means.
00:21:37Like, you couldn't legally be married.
00:21:39We lived together.
00:21:40We were committed.
00:21:41Or so I thought.
00:21:43We had an open relationship.
00:21:48He just...
00:21:49...never seemed gay to...
00:21:51...me in...
00:21:52...high school...
00:21:53...at all.
00:21:55Can you please just forget I said anything?
00:21:58Just erase it from your memory?
00:22:00Why? I'm fine with it.
00:22:03Because I don't want it going around that I'm...
00:22:05...gay.
00:22:07At least, not in Grand Falls, anyway.
00:22:10You're still in the closet.
00:22:11No.
00:22:14No, I mean, I...
00:22:15...I was openly gay.
00:22:18See?
00:22:21I admire that.
00:22:24You got out.
00:22:26Now I admire you even more.
00:22:29Gay guys are like a...
00:22:31...thing.
00:22:32Very popular these days.
00:22:33Oh, so now I'm cool?
00:22:35And popular?
00:22:36It's almost like high school has reversed.
00:22:38I was popular, but...
00:22:41...I didn't know who I was.
00:22:43But now I'm searching.
00:22:45And you...
00:22:46...you weren't popular.
00:22:47But...
00:22:48...but you...
00:22:49...you had self-awareness and angst and...
00:22:51Everything has come full circle.
00:22:52No wonder you thought Whitey was cute.
00:22:56Now it's all adding up.
00:22:58It's complicated.
00:23:03I'm not gonna be gay anymore.
00:23:07That's why I don't want you to say anything, alright?
00:23:08You're moving back to Grand Falls and you're not gonna be gay anymore.
00:23:13That's right.
00:23:15That's crazy!
00:23:17Oh, what?
00:23:18Your plan to escape to L.A. is rational?
00:23:20But my idea to go back to Grand Falls is ridiculous?
00:23:23Richard!
00:23:24You've lived this amazing life!
00:23:27Why in the hell would you go back to our small town?
00:23:36I never had your life.
00:23:38The small town, the community of people who know me and care.
00:23:42You're lucky.
00:23:44It's what I want.
00:23:46That's exactly what's been missing from my superficial life.
00:23:49You think you're superficial?
00:23:52I have been, sure.
00:23:53Maybe it's your job.
00:23:58No.
00:24:00It's my life.
00:24:03You know, you think you're being deep and real with people and relationships.
00:24:07But you're not.
00:24:10You realize at the end of the day that you're all alone.
00:24:15I want a home.
00:24:17Where people know me.
00:24:18Not just who they think I am.
00:24:25Home isn't a place.
00:24:29It can be.
00:24:31I think you can be a different person in a different place.
00:24:34So you plan on being a different person.
00:24:38Yeah.
00:24:39I mean, not a hundred percent different.
00:24:44But different.
00:24:46Version of me.
00:24:47More authentic.
00:24:48You plan on reinventing yourself.
00:24:52It's like you were saying about the show.
00:24:55L.A. was my show.
00:24:58I'm done with that kind of life.
00:25:03So how do you plan on a change?
00:25:05Well, one thing I know is I am not really gay.
00:25:14Richard.
00:25:17You're not really gay.
00:25:21You just got done telling me you were gay.
00:25:24I thought I was.
00:25:26And now you don't think you are.
00:25:31I don't know.
00:25:33I know I thought I was.
00:25:36Okay.
00:25:37So you sleep with men.
00:25:40Yeah.
00:25:44So what does that mean?
00:25:46I don't know.
00:25:49I was part of something.
00:25:53A community, I guess.
00:25:55Okay.
00:25:56A community.
00:25:57Community.
00:25:58Which is what you said you wanted to be part of.
00:26:03True. Sort of.
00:26:06I don't know.
00:26:07I mean, maybe it's just what I needed then.
00:26:11Okay.
00:26:12I don't understand.
00:26:13I don't get what you mean.
00:26:21I never had the popularity that you had in high school.
00:26:26I wasn't a jock like Whitey.
00:26:29You know, a girl like you.
00:26:31Girl like me what?
00:26:33You would have never slept with somebody like me.
00:26:36Of course not. We were in high school.
00:26:39Because I wasn't cool because I was in theater, right?
00:26:41Yeah.
00:26:43Exactly. You know how it works.
00:26:45But you slept with Whitey.
00:26:47Because he was on the football team.
00:26:52He didn't respect you.
00:26:55Yeah.
00:26:56He was on the football team.
00:26:58And I was a cheerleader.
00:27:00You know, I thought we got all this.
00:27:02Yeah, you're helping me make my point.
00:27:04What's your point exactly?
00:27:06You seem to think that you knew, that I knew who I was in high school.
00:27:14But I didn't.
00:27:16You know, maybe I wanted to sleep with women.
00:27:19You know, and maybe I was just attracted to or just curious.
00:27:25You know, about...
00:27:26Guys like Whitey.
00:27:28Guys like Whitey.
00:27:29Exactly.
00:27:32And since you were a little sensitive and effeminate, you...
00:27:38You think I'm effeminate?
00:27:40Well, you were.
00:27:42Really? You thought I was effeminate in high school?
00:27:45Well...
00:27:47Okay.
00:27:49I guess I was.
00:27:51And then I moved, and I got attention.
00:27:55For the first time.
00:28:00It's, uh...
00:28:02Attention from the gay community.
00:28:05Lots of attention.
00:28:10Well...
00:28:12It's nice to...
00:28:14Have attention.
00:28:20I guess I'm getting a little bit too, but...
00:28:22There's one here for
00:28:23My next one.
00:28:25The 21st.
00:28:26The 21st.
00:28:27The 21st.
00:28:28The 22nd.
00:28:30All right.
00:28:32The 23rd.
00:28:35The 22nd.
00:28:36That's not the 22nd.
00:28:37The 22nd.
00:28:38The 22nd.
00:28:39The 22nd.
00:28:40The 22nd.
00:28:42The 22nd.
00:28:43The 23nd.
00:28:44That's the 23nd.
00:28:45The 23rd.
00:28:46The 24th.
00:28:47The 23rd.
00:28:48The 23nd.
00:28:53I hope you washed your hands.
00:28:57They let you take these out of the bar?
00:29:01Yeah, they know we're stuck here for a while.
00:29:02They don't care.
00:29:05Oh, hey, did you check on the flights?
00:29:07Oh, yeah.
00:29:08They said to check back in an hour.
00:29:10Oh, right.
00:29:19I was a little bit of a slut too
00:29:23I remember
00:29:27Richard, be nice
00:29:30Hey, I didn't want to say anything before, but
00:29:33You had a reputation
00:29:35Wait a second
00:29:38First you say that maybe you wanted to sleep with me
00:29:43In high school, but couldn't
00:29:46And now I'm a slut
00:29:49Look, you slept with others, but not me
00:29:56That makes you a slut in my book
00:29:58Well, two sluts
00:30:05I'm sure you're no sluttier than anyone else
00:30:10Hey, don't take that away from me
00:30:11Maybe I happen to like sex
00:30:15Oh, I thought it was all the show
00:30:19Being with a guy like Whitey was the show, but
00:30:22Would have maybe slept with him
00:30:27For myself
00:30:29You knew you liked sex at 16?
00:30:33Yeah, didn't you?
00:30:37Yeah
00:30:37I mean, is that so weird?
00:30:40Why?
00:30:41Because I'm a woman admitting it?
00:30:44Maybe double standard
00:30:45Well, you knew you liked it then
00:30:48Didn't you?
00:30:50Who doesn't like sex?
00:30:51That's like not liking pizza
00:30:53Oh, I know plenty of women who are like over it
00:30:58Giving up on sex?
00:31:01Yep, all over Grand Falls
00:31:03That's just sad
00:31:04I know
00:31:05Sex is just, it's important
00:31:08Maybe that's who we are inside
00:31:13Just deep in our core we're sexual beings
00:31:19Animals
00:31:21And I knew that by the time I was 16
00:31:29Didn't you?
00:31:33I suppose
00:31:34I just actually hadn't had it yet
00:31:37Now that
00:31:38I can believe
00:31:40But a real kiss
00:31:52Is the best
00:31:54You think so?
00:31:57Yeah
00:31:58There's something about
00:32:02That moment
00:32:05When you kiss someone
00:32:07And there's
00:32:08Something breathtaking about it
00:32:11I did a lot of things
00:32:21I regretted in search of that feeling
00:32:23You did?
00:32:26It was all good
00:32:28At the time
00:32:28I mean
00:32:29Just giving in to those
00:32:31Primal cravings
00:32:36Right
00:32:36It's what you do
00:32:38When you're in your 20s
00:32:39And you're stupid
00:32:40You think you're invincible
00:32:41You got hurt?
00:32:45No
00:32:46But I hurt someone else
00:32:49Your boyfriend
00:32:52Yeah
00:32:55You're the one that cheated
00:33:01We both cheated
00:33:03Physically
00:33:03We were just being fair
00:33:05And realistic
00:33:06To ourselves
00:33:07And our sexual needs
00:33:08Okay
00:33:12But one day I realized
00:33:14I'm not in it like him
00:33:16I mean he's committed to me
00:33:19This lifestyle
00:33:20And I'm just here for the
00:33:22Fun
00:33:22Attention
00:33:24It was superficial
00:33:26We're all superficial
00:33:28I guess at times
00:33:31But you get to a point
00:33:32Where you're like
00:33:33What the fuck am I doing?
00:33:36This isn't a joke
00:33:37This is my life
00:33:38Happening here
00:33:39And you wake up one day
00:33:41And you're in your 30s
00:33:43And you're like
00:33:44What the fuck?
00:33:45What the fuck?
00:33:46Exactly
00:33:47What was your wake up call?
00:33:53I think you get to a point
00:33:56Where you realize
00:33:57You're not so young
00:33:58And stupid
00:33:59And you lose that
00:34:00As an excuse
00:34:01You realize you're not invincible
00:34:04You realize you can get hurt
00:34:08People can do terrible things to you
00:34:12So you decide to
00:34:17Move back home
00:34:20You just drop your life?
00:34:23Back to the roots
00:34:24Start over
00:34:25Can you really do that though?
00:34:27Do you think it's realistic
00:34:29To think you can just drop your past?
00:34:31I still want the fairy tale
00:34:34What's that look like for you?
00:34:39I know mine
00:34:40Fairy tale
00:34:42But what's yours?
00:34:44Tradition
00:34:45Same as you
00:34:46Okay
00:34:49I want all the things
00:34:51You're supposed to
00:34:51I want to get married
00:34:52Have children
00:34:53With a lover
00:34:56No, with a wife
00:34:58I want to find a good woman
00:34:59And have
00:35:00A simple life
00:35:02In a small town
00:35:03Like you were saying
00:35:05Like society
00:35:06And the bible
00:35:07Wants you to
00:35:08Tells you to
00:35:09So you can just
00:35:11Flip the switch back like that
00:35:14One day you're gay
00:35:15And the next day
00:35:16You marry a woman
00:35:18It's not a switch
00:35:19I've been thinking about it
00:35:20For a long time
00:35:21Yeah, well I'm glad
00:35:25It's so funny to you
00:35:26I'm glad you find my life
00:35:28So hilarious
00:35:30Look, I didn't think about
00:35:32Going home before
00:35:33But then everything
00:35:34Happened with Kyle
00:35:36And
00:35:36Well, I just
00:35:37I got in this
00:35:39Reflective phase
00:35:41You know
00:35:41Okay
00:35:43I know
00:35:45A couple things
00:35:47About sexuality
00:35:48And
00:35:50Psychology
00:35:52And
00:35:53It just doesn't work that way
00:35:55Look, I told you
00:35:56I was in it
00:35:57Yes
00:35:57But
00:35:58In the end
00:35:59Well, you can't go
00:36:01Year after year
00:36:03Being one person
00:36:04And all of a sudden
00:36:05Realizing you're
00:36:07Some other person
00:36:08Why not?
00:36:11People don't do that
00:36:12You did it?
00:36:13Did not
00:36:14In high school?
00:36:16With Whitey?
00:36:16Oh
00:36:17Come on
00:36:18I
00:36:19I
00:36:19I
00:36:19Wasn't a whole other person
00:36:21You were living a lie
00:36:23You said it
00:36:23I was living
00:36:25What was expected of me
00:36:27It wasn't a lie
00:36:28It was still me
00:36:29What's the difference?
00:36:32I
00:36:32Maybe I didn't like it all the time
00:36:34But I accept that it was my life
00:36:36All the mistakes that I made
00:36:38Were my own
00:36:39But eventually you get older
00:36:41And you realize you can't keep up the charade
00:36:44And your whole fucking life's the charade
00:36:46My life has been a charade
00:36:56You're right
00:36:57In many ways
00:36:59We've just been going over
00:37:00What a great life you have
00:37:01Being popular
00:37:02And marrying Whitey
00:37:04Yes
00:37:04I accept
00:37:06This is my life
00:37:08Unlike you
00:37:10You're
00:37:11Talking like there's some other person
00:37:15You can pin responsibility on
00:37:17That's a cop out
00:37:19That's a cop out
00:37:19Cop out
00:37:20What about you?
00:37:22You are right
00:37:24I am running from more than you even know
00:37:27I am getting far far away
00:37:29You've never been anywhere
00:37:31You'll be back within six months
00:37:34You're kind of pathetic
00:37:38You know
00:37:39You act like your life has been so heavy and intense
00:37:47Because you were gay and cheated on a lover
00:37:49But now you want to throw it all away and start fresh anew
00:37:54You act like there was somebody else
00:37:57Well if there was somebody else Richard
00:38:00Who was it?
00:38:00You know what?
00:38:01I'm just saying
00:38:02I'm just saying
00:38:03That your problems seem pretty normal
00:38:06Small town girl
00:38:08Popular
00:38:08Marries the jock and it doesn't work out
00:38:11You're a cliche Tiffany
00:38:15I'm never coming back
00:38:18Oh sure you'll explore
00:38:20You'll search for that
00:38:22Freedom that you
00:38:24That you missed out on
00:38:25When you got married in your 20s
00:38:27And you'll look for that elusive
00:38:29Real kiss
00:38:31But it doesn't exist
00:38:34Not in the long run
00:38:36And you know what?
00:38:40Eventually you'll want what I want
00:38:41The husband
00:38:42The kids
00:38:43Oh you think
00:38:45Just because
00:38:46That's what you want
00:38:48Everybody does?
00:38:49I've been around a lot of people
00:38:50I know what I'm talking about
00:38:51You don't know shit
00:38:54About me
00:38:55Or my problems
00:38:57You're the typical
00:38:58Small town
00:38:59Divorce
00:39:00Okay
00:39:01You've never experienced life outside of our town
00:39:04Once you get a taste of it
00:39:07Trust me you'll be back
00:39:08Just like me
00:39:09You're wrong
00:39:11It didn't work out perfect
00:39:13That's everyone's story
00:39:16You don't know what you're talking about
00:39:20So Whitey drank?
00:39:21What a shock
00:39:22The high school jock who's now a drunk?
00:39:25Never heard of that one
00:39:26There's more to it than that
00:39:28Oh don't tell me
00:39:28Let me guess
00:39:30He hit you
00:39:31Oh more cliches
00:39:33I love it
00:39:34He didn't hit me
00:39:36We had a kid
00:39:44We had a kid
00:39:44You had a kid?
00:39:49Wait
00:39:49Wait you're a mom?
00:39:52I told you I gained weight after being pregnant
00:39:55I guess you weren't listening
00:39:57What when we first started talking?
00:39:59That doesn't count
00:40:01I didn't know I was gonna talk to you
00:40:04Seriously like this
00:40:05Superficial
00:40:06Just like you said you were
00:40:08Oh now that's bullshit
00:40:10So what you're gonna run off to the west coast
00:40:12And leave your kid at home
00:40:14For what your mom to take care of or something?
00:40:18No
00:40:19Oh you get divorced
00:40:20Lose weight
00:40:21Dye your hair
00:40:23Get some fake nails
00:40:24And you abandon your kid
00:40:25What cause you think you deserve a better life?
00:40:28What's next?
00:40:28Some fake tits?
00:40:29Maybe that'll make you a better person
00:40:31Why don't you go for it?
00:40:36He's dead
00:40:36What?
00:40:41He died a year ago
00:40:43What?
00:40:46Whitey's dead?
00:40:47My son
00:40:48You asshole
00:40:50A place where life stands still
00:41:03A moment we could steal
00:41:08Don't remember how to feel
00:41:13Can't take these ups and downs
00:41:23Snow lands on the ground
00:41:28Let's swim until we drown
00:41:33I don't know where to call home
00:41:44And I can't stand on my own
00:41:54Don't rain on my parade
00:42:02Don't look through my charade
00:42:07Don't let that picture fade
00:42:13Doesn't look good
00:42:41They made an announcement about getting us out of here
00:42:46Before the next storm comes
00:42:48So maybe
00:42:49Hey I'm sorry
00:42:53It's fine
00:42:55I'm a little drunk
00:42:57Me too
00:42:58I shouldn't have been so insensitive
00:43:02You said it's fine
00:43:04You didn't know
00:43:06Whatever
00:43:08You said I was one of the sensitive ones
00:43:11But I'm not
00:43:12Sometimes I get defensive
00:43:16And I push people
00:43:17I see that now
00:43:20I was all over you
00:43:22But your
00:43:23Sexual lifestyle choices
00:43:26It's all fair game
00:43:28Right?
00:43:30It's too intimate
00:43:31I mean we don't even know each other
00:43:34We went to high school 15 years ago
00:43:37For Christ's sake
00:43:38And here I am
00:43:41Judging you
00:43:42Still making assumptions about your life
00:43:45And who you are
00:43:46We're from the same town
00:43:50So that's something
00:43:51We're all entitled to our own opinions
00:43:54Yeah you know where someone's from
00:43:57Talk a little
00:43:58Makes us think we know who they are
00:44:01But we don't
00:44:02Well folks
00:44:06We're hoping to get a few of you out
00:44:08But the temperature is a bit too low to be
00:44:10The wings right now
00:44:11So the planes are going to have to stay grounded for now
00:44:14Looks like we're stuck here a little while longer
00:44:17Thanks for your continued patience
00:44:18Want to take a walk?
00:44:23Do you dare?
00:44:26I'm not going to go off on you again
00:44:27I said I was sorry
00:44:28I don't know
00:44:32I realized I was yelling at you
00:44:38But only because I resent it
00:44:41Present what?
00:44:48I'm telling you that you're this small town cliche
00:44:51And yet that's the one thing I wish I could be
00:44:55So you're a hypocrite
00:44:59Maybe
00:45:01Or just that love-hate thing
00:45:04You know how sometimes you're drawn to things
00:45:08You get in your head how great
00:45:11Something's going to be
00:45:12Or you just
00:45:19Desperately want
00:45:21That one thing you
00:45:23Deep down know is so bad for you
00:45:41So what happened with your son
00:45:47I mean if you want to talk about it
00:45:51Might as well now
00:45:55Not if you don't want to
00:45:59I don't need to know
00:46:02I just thought maybe
00:46:03It was Whitey
00:46:04What?
00:46:08What?
00:46:08What?
00:46:08What happened?
00:46:14What happened?
00:46:14It was drinking as usual
00:46:34You picked him up
00:46:38After a game at school
00:46:40What was his name?
00:46:50Jimmy Jr.
00:46:53Right
00:46:54And no one else called him that
00:47:01Only me
00:47:03His friends at school called him
00:47:07Whitey
00:47:08Just like his dad
00:47:10So they were a lot alike?
00:47:15Like clones
00:47:17He also played football
00:47:23Just like his dad
00:47:26So Whitey picks him up from school
00:47:33It wasn't just the drinking
00:47:39I knew Whitey was also
00:47:44Messing with
00:47:45Crystal meth
00:47:48So you were around that too?
00:47:54Not me
00:47:55I never
00:47:59Tried this stuff
00:48:01I did
00:48:06You did?
00:48:25So Whitey was caught up in all that?
00:48:29Yeah
00:48:30Most people are
00:48:36Real sweet in Grand Falls
00:48:39Just
00:48:39You know
00:48:41Every town has their bad elements
00:48:43His boys
00:48:44You know
00:48:45And he went to pick up your son
00:48:47After partying?
00:48:50I was supposed to pick him up
00:48:52But I
00:48:55Why?
00:49:06I was seeing someone
00:49:09I shouldn't have
00:49:10I knew Whitey was
00:49:13At the bar
00:49:16Watching games with his
00:49:20Buddies all night
00:49:22And no one was at your son's game?
00:49:26It was just a practice game
00:49:31I see
00:49:34Yeah well
00:49:39Whitey
00:49:41Was driving drunk as usual
00:49:45And he
00:49:48He picked up Jimmy Jr. from school
00:49:52And he wrapped
00:49:52The car around a tree
00:49:54And the police called
00:50:05And I'm
00:50:08In a hotel room with
00:50:11Whitey's business partner
00:50:14Oh no
00:50:16You know
00:50:23You know how you're calling me a cliche
00:50:25Well
00:50:28Maybe you're right
00:50:32That's what I am
00:50:36One big
00:50:42Fucking
00:50:44White
00:50:45Trash
00:50:46Cliche
00:50:46Don't say that
00:50:49It's true
00:50:51Maybe I got so
00:50:54Upset with you
00:50:56Before
00:50:57Because I knew
00:50:57You were hitting a nerve
00:50:59I was just being an asshole
00:51:05Truth is
00:51:06Maybe you do see me clearly
00:51:11This isn't your fault
00:51:15Yeah
00:51:19That's what people say
00:51:20It's my fault
00:51:24In some ways it is
00:51:28People
00:51:29Have affairs
00:51:31You couldn't have known
00:51:34I was selfish
00:51:40And now I have nothing
00:51:45They're gone
00:51:51They both died
00:51:56No
00:52:00Whitey survived
00:52:03His airbag went off
00:52:06Little
00:52:12Jimmy Jr.
00:52:15His chest
00:52:22Got smashed
00:52:24So sad
00:52:36That's not even the sad part
00:52:45The sad part
00:52:50Is when he called me
00:52:55While I was
00:52:57Fucking there
00:52:59And it's like
00:53:03Do I answer the phone
00:53:05And
00:53:05I have a question
00:53:07Where am I?
00:53:09And when we finish
00:53:14And we
00:53:15Go again
00:53:17In the shower
00:53:19And I can hear
00:53:21The phone ringing
00:53:22Until finally
00:53:25I'm like
00:53:25What the fuck?
00:53:30And you listen
00:53:32To the message
00:53:32Hours later
00:53:35A lot of
00:53:39Time had passed
00:53:42Then I
00:53:48Go to the hospital
00:53:54It was too late
00:53:58He was gone
00:54:03When I was
00:54:05Lie
00:54:07And
00:54:08I
00:54:08I
00:54:09I
00:54:11I
00:54:11I
00:54:12I
00:54:14I
00:54:14I
00:54:15I
00:54:16Shell
00:54:17I
00:54:17Go
00:54:18In
00:54:20I
00:54:21I
00:54:22I
00:54:22I
00:54:24I
00:54:25I
00:54:26I
00:54:28I
00:54:30I
00:54:30I
00:54:30I
00:54:31I
00:54:31I
00:54:32I
00:54:33I
00:54:33I
00:54:33İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:55:03İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:55:33İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:03İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:33İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:35İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:37İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:39İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:41İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:43İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:45İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:47İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:49İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:51İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:53İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:55İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:57İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:56:59İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:57:01İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:57:03İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:57:05İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:57:07.
00:57:09İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:57:11İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:57:13house
00:57:25İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:57:28İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:57:30İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:57:34он establishing seus olumsuz ve işten Осan'a
00:57:40So what Whitey's partner was about?
00:57:43was it longterm things or just one indiscretion?
00:57:49He on the books a long time before we did anything about it
00:57:54On the books?
00:57:56You know, on the books
00:57:59someone who you know you're going to sleep with
00:58:01when you first meet
00:58:03But for whatever reason or circunstance...
00:58:08...you just...
00:58:10...don't.
00:58:13So you were into him?
00:58:16Caught up in him is more like it.
00:58:20He was attractive.
00:58:23Also married.
00:58:25So it seemed okay.
00:58:27That logic is called justification.
00:58:31Life's all justification.
00:58:34I mean, how else can you live with some of the things that you do?
00:58:41Coming up with an angle that you can live with.
00:58:46Convincing yourself that your bad decision is okay.
00:58:50We all do it.
00:58:52We all do.
00:58:54Maybe that's what life is all about.
00:58:56Looking for excitement and attention.
00:59:03We're all just selfish at the core.
00:59:06Yes, but under the caveat that being selfish is just how things are.
00:59:10You can't control or change it.
00:59:13No, I'm optimistic.
00:59:16Maybe I'll find a better life in a new location.
00:59:21I mean...
00:59:25It's gotta be better.
00:59:27You can't stay where all this happened, right?
00:59:34Sometimes you can be a different person in a different place.
00:59:38Right.
00:59:40And you have your philosophy that no matter where you go, there you'll be.
00:59:44I believe that, sure.
00:59:50You are a hypocrite.
00:59:54You know, I had you on this pedestal because you lived in California and you were successful.
01:00:01And I thought you were smarter than me and knew more.
01:00:09But...
01:00:11Now that I know you...
01:00:13You just...
01:00:15Keep spouting out all these life philosophies and they all contradict.
01:00:21Because I'm a hypocrite.
01:00:23Didn't you just call me that?
01:00:24I think it's all a cover.
01:00:32What do you mean?
01:00:34You say all these things and they make you sound smart.
01:00:38And make you sound like you understand yourself and your life.
01:00:42But...
01:00:43You don't.
01:00:48Why don't you tell me the truth, Richard?
01:00:51Do you even know what the truth is?
01:00:58Going back to the beginning was the only plan that made sense to me.
01:01:01Start over.
01:01:03Then maybe you can get it right the second time.
01:01:05You say you were selfish in L.A.
01:01:08And now you selfishly want to come back home and start over
01:01:13and bring an innocent woman and child into your selfishness.
01:01:16It's not like that.
01:01:19This is all a lie.
01:01:22Look, just because my dream isn't the same as yours doesn't make it less valid.
01:01:27You can comment on my life, but when the mirror is turned around,
01:01:33you can't take it on yourself.
01:01:36Sure I can.
01:01:38Breaking out of a bad relationship is one thing,
01:01:41but so bad you decide you want to be with women?
01:01:43Come on.
01:01:44What was bad enough for you to become this desperate?
01:01:54February 18th.
01:01:58Right. You said you cheated on Kyle, but that was the lifestyle, right?
01:02:03I suppose technically I cheated on him and he cheated on me.
01:02:07But that... none of that meant anything.
01:02:10I mean, we knew we'd come home to each other at the end of the day.
01:02:12You had the mutual understanding.
01:02:18He trusted me.
01:02:22And?
01:02:26And?
01:02:29Richard, what did you do?
01:02:32Hey, I told you everything about me.
01:02:35Things no one knows.
01:02:38I know.
01:02:40So...
01:02:42Just...
01:02:43Tell me.
01:02:45Whatever it is.
01:02:47I picked up this guy at a bathhouse.
01:02:58They...
01:03:00They still have bathhouses?
01:03:01Yeah.
01:03:03I'm sorry.
01:03:05I'm sorry.
01:03:07I get it. It's funny.
01:03:09It's just how it works.
01:03:11So wait.
01:03:13You must have spent Valentine's Day with Kyle.
01:03:16So then a couple days later, you were with this stranger you met at a bathhouse.
01:03:33Yeah.
01:03:35See?
01:03:36I sound like this heartless human being.
01:03:39Tell me.
01:03:49We had sex.
01:03:51Bareback.
01:03:53Like...
01:04:00Anal?
01:04:02What do you think?
01:04:03Okay.
01:04:12He was HIV positive.
01:04:13Wow.
01:04:23Oh...
01:04:24No.
01:04:28Hundreds of times.
01:04:31I'll make that thousands.
01:04:36I don't even know how many times I had sex before that night.
01:04:39You were with a...
01:04:42a lot of different men?
01:04:45It was just...
01:04:46all fun and games at the time, you know?
01:04:51But you...
01:04:53always practiced safe sex.
01:04:55Of course.
01:04:57Except Kyle, of course.
01:04:59I mean, we were...
01:05:01married.
01:05:05Now I get what you're saying.
01:05:09And he just let it happen.
01:05:11I mean, I was faced the other way, you know?
01:05:13I knew he had rubbers, but I...
01:05:15was kinda fucked up, and he was kinda fucked up.
01:05:19Richard...
01:05:21that's like...
01:05:23rape.
01:05:24I know.
01:05:25An assault.
01:05:26I know.
01:05:30Did you wanna kill him?
01:05:31Well, I didn't...
01:05:33I didn't realize till later.
01:05:44So you...
01:05:46went back to him?
01:05:48No.
01:05:50I didn't even know his name.
01:05:53In fact, he was...
01:05:55visiting from Montreal or...
01:05:57something.
01:05:59It is so selfish of him.
01:06:03Selfish, right?
01:06:05Proving, yet again...
01:06:07That people are unbelievable.
01:06:14Well, I don't...
01:06:16I don't know if it was deliberate or...
01:06:19an accident or what happened.
01:06:21I'd like to believe it was an accident.
01:06:28So you're dying.
01:06:30The cocktail's taken with me. I'm fine.
01:06:34Fine.
01:06:40It was my fault.
01:06:42It was my fault.
01:06:46Completely.
01:06:51I was a selfish one.
01:06:52I wouldn't have been there with that guy if I wasn't being selfish.
01:06:57You...
01:06:58had an open relationship.
01:07:02I know, but...
01:07:03and it was Kyle's idea.
01:07:06But I think he thought he had to.
01:07:08I mean, he knew I wasn't ready to settle down.
01:07:09He just did it for me.
01:07:12It was...
01:07:14It was a mistake.
01:07:17Yes, it was a mistake.
01:07:18But I know it was...
01:07:21my fault.
01:07:24I keep blaming him, but...
01:07:28I was the one who was reckless.
01:07:33Kyle loved me.
01:07:35He trusted me.
01:07:37And he loved me.
01:07:40And I totally blew it.
01:07:45And now I'm all alone.
01:07:47I have nothing.
01:07:56So maybe it isn't...
01:07:59attention...
01:08:01or selfishness that...
01:08:03drives us.
01:08:05What then?
01:08:07It all comes down to wanting to be loved.
01:08:12That's what the fairy tale really means, doesn't it?
01:08:16That we find love in the end.
01:08:21I don't know.
01:08:22I mean, maybe it is...
01:08:29all biological.
01:08:35With everything we know...
01:08:37about DNA...
01:08:42I mean, think about it.
01:08:43everyone you've ever...
01:08:46been with...
01:08:48ever kissed...
01:08:50ever been intimate with...
01:08:52your DNA is left with them...
01:08:55forever.
01:08:59We leave traces of ourselves.
01:09:01and maybe there's something to that.
01:09:07The way...
01:09:09DNA evidence is left on a victim...
01:09:12forever.
01:09:18Even if their bodies dug up later, it's still there.
01:09:21Literally...
01:09:23we leave pieces of ourselves...
01:09:26with each person...
01:09:28and them with us.
01:09:33The people who are close to become...
01:09:36part of us...
01:09:38forever.
01:09:40forever.
01:09:51So...
01:09:55Kyle...
01:09:57broke up with you after all this?
01:10:01No, I left him.
01:10:03Wait.
01:10:05He was willing to stay with you after all this?
01:10:10and you left?
01:10:13Richard.
01:10:18That's what I was saying.
01:10:20That was my moment.
01:10:24When I suddenly realized I'd gone to the edge.
01:10:27Forget that.
01:10:30I felt over the edge.
01:10:33Crashed and burned.
01:10:39Suddenly life's not all fun and games anymore.
01:10:45Like my moment at the hospital.
01:10:50You see the bigger picture.
01:10:54Maybe it's out of our control.
01:10:55You mean like fate or something?
01:11:00That could just be more bullshit we're convincing ourselves of.
01:11:05I've become pretty good at believing my own justifications.
01:11:14Do you think you could ever get back with Whitey?
01:11:20Oh, come on.
01:11:21I mean...
01:11:25Everybody makes mistakes.
01:11:28I mean, I know that was...
01:11:30a pretty big mistake.
01:11:32But...
01:11:34he has to be hurting too.
01:11:36It was his son.
01:11:41Yeah.
01:11:42He wants to get back together.
01:11:45He wants to get back together.
01:11:51Would you?
01:11:55Could you ever...
01:11:57get past something traumatic like that?
01:11:59Maybe things could work out.
01:12:01Maybe things could work out.
01:12:08Sometimes there's just...
01:12:10too much history.
01:12:13Too much hurt.
01:12:17You know.
01:12:19You know.
01:12:24Sometimes it's easier to move forward than to go back.
01:12:29You've messed up too much to ever...
01:12:32make it right.
01:12:34Yeah.
01:12:38Sometimes a...
01:12:40fresh start...
01:12:42is what you have to do.
01:12:48You have no choice.
01:12:49Looks like maybe we're gonna get out of here after all.
01:13:07Looks like...
01:13:13Looks like...
01:13:15Looks like...
01:13:16I know this move is the right thing for me.
01:13:40I know this move is the right thing for me.
01:13:46Me too.
01:13:53Well I'm trapped inside again...
01:13:59But this time...
01:14:01I know it's with you.
01:14:08And you'll take this piece of me...
01:14:12Love me...
01:14:13And I'll take...
01:14:15This piece of you...
01:14:19Am I...
01:14:23Alone in this world?
01:14:26Cause I...
01:14:30Can't help feel this way...
01:14:34I don't know how to say...
01:14:39That I...
01:14:40Need you...
01:14:41To stay...
01:14:42That I...
01:14:44Need you...
01:14:46To stay...
01:14:47Well I'm moving forward...
01:14:48And...
01:14:49I'm headed back...
01:14:50Again...
01:14:51I'm moving forward...
01:14:52And...
01:14:53I'm headed back...
01:14:54Again...
01:14:55I can't stop...
01:14:56This feeling...
01:14:57That...
01:14:58I'm headed back...
01:14:59I'm headed back...
01:15:00Again...
01:15:02I...
01:15:03I can't stop...
01:15:05This feeling...
01:15:07That...
01:15:08I just...
01:15:09Can't seem...
01:15:10To...
01:15:11It...
01:15:12I...
01:15:13Can't stop...
01:15:14This feeling...
01:15:15That...
01:15:16I...
01:15:17Just...
01:15:18Can't seem...
01:15:19To...
01:15:20This feeling...
01:15:22That...
01:15:23I...
01:15:24Just...
01:15:25Can't seem...
01:15:26To...
01:15:27Well...
01:15:31Am I...
01:15:32Alone in this world?
01:15:38Cause I...
01:15:39Can't help...
01:15:41Feel this way...
01:15:44Don't know how to say...
01:15:51That I...
01:15:54Need you...
01:15:58To...
01:15:59Stay...
01:16:14To...
01:16:15To...
01:16:16To...
01:16:17To...
01:16:18To...
01:16:19To...
01:16:20To...
01:16:21To...
01:16:22To...
01:16:23To...
01:16:24To...
01:16:25To...
01:16:26To...
01:16:27To...
01:16:28To...
01:16:29To...
01:16:30To...
01:16:31To...
01:16:32To...
01:16:33To...
01:16:34To...
01:16:35To...
01:16:36To...
01:16:37To...
01:16:38To...
01:16:39To...
01:16:40To...
01:16:41To...
01:16:42To...
01:17:47I'm Steve.
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