- 6 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00It's an extraordinary feeling, to think of something
00:05over the top of your head that makes people laugh.
00:08It's a gift.
00:16Perfect version of a modern man. Attractive. Very funny, which I think is very important.
00:24P.S. My mum, brackets Jackie, loves you.
00:31And the winner is...
00:34Lenny Brain from Glass Houses.
01:00TUNE
01:04TUNE
01:06TUNE
01:09TUNE
01:11TUNE
01:12Baggy! Baggy! Please! I don't want to go to bed on an argument, especially not about
01:38something so stupid as this. Do we just... What? Sleep? Yes. How am I supposed to go to sleep? Well, this will probably be all over sodding papers tomorrow. You can sleep fine, because you know it's all lies. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Neighbours don't know that, do they? I've never even met this woman. I know that. Nobody else does.
02:01Are we going to do this every time there's a bogus allegation?
02:17Girl. Bloody ridiculous. And the cleaner doesn't know it's a lie. Oh, if we're worried about what the cleaner thinks of us, maybe we shouldn't employ her to clean the house.
02:26What I'm saying is it's humiliating. I don't even know who this woman is. She could be made up, for all I know.
02:32I can still hate it. I can still hate how attritional it is.
02:38This is like being accused of having an affair with a tooth fairy. It can still make me feel rubbish.
02:43Look. Look. She's crazy, just like the rest of them. It's just endless crap. Years of bullshit.
03:01Every single one of them disappears. The moment they get a stern letter just pointing out, there's no basis for any of it.
03:07There's no evidence. Nothing. Nothing happened. It's all made up. But the papers still go with it, because I'm me.
03:20Look. These sheets, yeah? They're Egyptian cotton, and they've barely seen our bum cheeks, because we've been in the Maldives.
03:26That's the life we have. And the price we pay for it is these liars and maniacs. But why am I telling you this? You know this.
03:37You're a psychotherapist, for God's sake.
03:39I'm sorry.
03:53Just let them write it. Let them write whatever they want. TV, funny man, shags burrito, whatever.
04:02There's never been anyone else.
04:11I tell you every day.
04:14I love you.
04:20Past the edges of time.
04:27What was that?
04:32Shall we press the buzzer? It's in the kitchen.
04:41Well, you might need something.
04:42It could be dangerous.
04:44You might need help.
04:45Then we should call the police.
04:46Oh, is he around the doorbell?
04:48Yes.
04:54Oh my God.
04:58Quick.
05:02Oh, Jesus.
05:26Please.
05:27They attacked me.
05:29Who attacked you?
05:30They took my bike and my phone.
05:34Who?
05:34I don't know.
05:38My phone's upstairs. I'll call you an ambulance.
05:40No, please.
05:43What do you need?
05:47You're the only one that answered.
05:48Do you want to come in?
05:59Can you stand?
06:03Okay.
06:04Come on.
06:06Let's just...
06:09Let's get you sorted out.
06:10You can just sit here, sit here, sit here.
06:28Here, sit here.
06:32Sorry.
06:33No, don't be ridiculous.
06:34I know it's late.
06:39Did you hit your head?
06:40Are you bleeding?
06:41I really think we ought to call you an ambulance, you know?
06:44It's okay.
06:45You collapsed.
06:47I think it was just a shock, I don't know.
06:48You might be concussed.
06:50It's just my shoulder.
06:51You sure about that?
06:53I just need some water.
06:57Right, of course, yeah.
06:58It was what?
07:01Was it randoms, or...?
07:03I was...
07:04I was delivering pizza.
07:06I was going to number 20.
07:08I got the money and they...
07:10They just come out of nowhere.
07:11We should definitely call the police.
07:13I wouldn't have thought they'd be able to do anything.
07:15You've been robbed.
07:15It'll be long gone.
07:17Well, probably, but...
07:18When my flat got broken into, the police, they didn't even turn up.
07:21Oh, yeah, but they're a bit quicker around here, mate.
07:26No.
07:28No, please.
07:33I'll go to the station.
07:34I just need to get my shit together.
07:36No problem.
07:36No, please.
07:41I don't know my license.
07:44It's only part-time to help me pay my way through uni.
07:50I can't afford to lose this job.
07:55Well, you should definitely report it.
07:56I will, I promise.
07:59And learn to drive.
08:00Yeah.
08:01They can't be allowed to get away with it.
08:05It's fucking feral.
08:07What were they, kids?
08:07Seventeen.
08:08Eighteen, maybe.
08:10But they were big.
08:10Hopped up on Minecraft and balloons.
08:13And they were fast.
08:15Don't need you to get that round here.
08:16If there's trouble round here, it's all planning consent for basement pools.
08:20People are going to afford a basement pool.
08:21They don't usually kick your head in.
08:24Could have done without them stealing my shoes.
08:26Yeah, why would they do that?
08:28Don't know.
08:28They're old as well.
08:30All the leather's coming off.
08:32Maybe they're mending them.
08:34Maybe they're feral cobblers.
08:35There you go.
08:35Can I get you a shirt or?
08:40Mm.
08:44Yeah, please, if you don't mind.
08:46Yeah, I could stretch to a shirt.
08:47I've got some old trainers here somewhere.
08:49If I can find them.
08:50I don't know where anything is.
08:51The cleaner moves things around like a mouse.
08:54That without the incontinence.
08:55If I can find them.
09:25I'm sorry.
09:55Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
09:57Are you okay?
10:00Hi.
10:01Found one.
10:02Jumped by some kids out delivering pizza.
10:05God, who was it?
10:07Teenage mutant ninja wankers.
10:11Jesus, are you hurt?
10:14It's okay.
10:15What do you need?
10:16I'm fine, honestly.
10:18You don't look great.
10:19Take aim for your money.
10:20She's just coming for your self-esteem.
10:22I didn't mean that.
10:23I mean, we should call an ambulance.
10:24It's just my shoulder.
10:26You collapsed.
10:29Just shot.
10:30I'm feeling...
10:31Okay, did you call the police?
10:33No.
10:33I can do that for you.
10:38Wait.
10:39He's going to go to the station when he's got his breath back.
10:41Did he give you food?
10:52Would you like a sandwich?
10:53How quickly do you think I can make a sandwich?
10:55Oh, we're cream.
10:56In a sandwich?
10:57Antiseptic for the cuts.
10:59Please.
11:00You don't have to do anything.
11:01Nonsense.
11:02Let me make you a sandwich.
11:04Okay.
11:05If it's not too much trouble.
11:06What do we have?
11:07You like kimchi?
11:09He's a victim of violence.
11:10He's not a mystery diner.
11:11Just ignore his bad jokes.
11:18I do.
11:19Daily.
11:22Don't slice that too thick.
11:23You'll ruin a sandwich.
11:24For a minute we thought you were a crazy fan or something.
11:36Like New York?
11:37Yeah.
11:38He was intense.
11:39Showed up at like one in the morning?
11:42Not like three.
11:43Didn't leave.
11:44Made me sign his arse.
11:45Oh, my God.
11:55You're Lenny Bray.
11:57Oh, I'm sorry.
12:01That's all right.
12:01I'll see.
12:03I didn't realise that you were you.
12:06Oh, well.
12:07My head's all...
12:09In your defence, I wasn't this fat 25 years ago.
12:14I like your show.
12:16I mean, I've only seen a few episodes.
12:18You're forgiven on the grounds that you were a child when I made them.
12:22That's true.
12:23I like to be reminded of my own mortality.
12:26I mean, you're probably tired of hearing this all the time,
12:29but they were really funny.
12:31You're joking.
12:32If he doesn't hear it three times a day, he gets IBS.
12:36I like the American version too.
12:38Oh, because it was funnier.
12:40Yeah, we'll pay for this house.
12:43And your bee venom facials.
12:45Why don't you show him the wall?
12:58Oh, no.
12:58People like it.
12:59It has all his memorabilia and silly trophies.
13:04Come on.
13:06He's had a dreadful evening.
13:08Well, it'd be cool.
13:10I'd like to be reminded of how fantastic I was.
13:14No, no, no, okay.
13:15Just quickly, though.
13:16Oh, wow.
13:37Nice to have.
13:49These are all the people you made that show with?
13:52Finally, last day, I think.
13:56That's amazing.
13:57Good memories.
13:59People really love that show, huh?
14:00I've been lucky.
14:11Lenny, is it true that you wrote that first one by hand?
14:14What?
14:15The script for the first episode.
14:18Yeah.
14:23Your sandwich will be...
14:24Can I get an autograph?
14:25Is that still a thing?
14:28It's like getting smallpox, innit?
14:29Well, I don't have a phone.
14:31People won't believe that I met you otherwise.
14:34Okay.
14:40You write me a message?
14:42Sure, yeah.
14:44Who to?
14:45Ben.
14:45So, sorry you got beaten up on my road, Ben.
14:51They probably lack strong father figures.
14:54Or, like, I can never forget a day like this.
15:02Or, you know, something.
15:15We could do a photo on Maggie's phone.
15:25And then send it on.
15:26And then you can get going.
15:28I found the good cheese.
15:49The cheddar had a full head of hair on it.
15:50Great.
15:51Um, maybe you can put that in a Tupperware.
15:58Um, he, uh, Ben would like his quick photograph.
16:03And we could send that on.
16:05Right.
16:14Ready?
16:18Oh, that's lovely.
16:20Can we get one more for safety?
16:21No, I think we've got it.
16:23I blinked.
16:23Sure.
16:31One, two, three.
16:34Yes.
16:36Perfect.
16:36Can I see it?
16:38Um, sure.
16:39And, um, you can also just put your email in there.
16:43And I'll get you those trainers now, yeah?
16:46So, what are you, a nine or a ten?
16:48What if they come back?
16:50Who, the, um...
16:51The people that attacked me.
16:52Well, then we should call the police.
16:53They can't help.
16:54Well, they might.
16:55They can't.
16:55Then we should, um, call the delivery people and see if they can send somebody.
17:01It's an Indian restaurant that would be closed by now.
17:07Not pizza?
17:08I'm just going to grab some trainers now, and then we can be done.
17:26And it's been really great to meet you, and I'd love to talk some more.
17:32Well, it is late now, and, you know, I need my funny sleep.
17:37Oh.
17:38Okay.
17:38All right.
17:39Listen, I'm really honoured that you love this show, okay?
17:42I really, I mean that.
17:43I really mean that.
17:44It means a lot.
17:44But when people are on TV, you know, sometimes it's easy to forget that they're behind it
17:53all, you know, they're just ordinary, and they can get scared, yeah?
17:59And I don't want anyone to be scared.
18:02Now.
18:02No!
18:03Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
18:04Okay.
18:04Okay.
18:05We can, we can do some more photos, yeah?
18:07You could take, take some stuff.
18:30Oh, no, you hurt him!
18:32Oh, it's too hard to breathe!
18:34It's too hard to breathe!
18:37Your phone.
18:38What?
18:39Where?
18:41In the bedroom.
18:43You don't need to do this.
18:46Please.
18:47I choose what happens.
18:48Okay, okay.
18:51Please.
18:52Please.
18:53I choose what happens!
18:55Okay.
18:56I choose what happens now.
18:58Okay.
19:01Okay.
19:02No!
19:07No!
19:14No!
19:26No!
19:27No!
19:28You
19:58Get down
20:04Hey Ben, Ben
20:12I know it might not feel like it
20:15But it can still go well
20:17And maybe you don't believe me
20:20But you should
20:20You should
20:22I'm sorry
20:24No, you're not
20:25Why would I not be sorry?
20:26Because I just tied you up
20:28Ben, Ben
20:29Please talk to me
20:31Why did you come here?
20:42Hey, hey
20:43I'm listening, okay?
20:51No one ever listens to me
20:53Who doesn't listen to you?
20:56Ben, please talk to me
20:59No!
21:01Hey
21:01Hey, I'm just
21:03I'm just asking a question, okay?
21:05You don't get to ask me questions
21:06Right, okay, okay
21:07But
21:07Let's not rush
21:09Things here
21:10Right?
21:12All my life
21:13Who has ever listened to me?
21:16I'm listening to you
21:16I'm listening to you right now
21:17When I was four
21:25I got my first new family
21:27When I cried
21:30Because
21:31I was scared
21:33Because I wanted my mum
21:34Do you know what they did?
21:38They put me
21:39In the furthest room
21:41My mum at the heavy door
21:43You couldn't hear me from there
21:48That sounds like an awful experience
21:50And not one of them
21:52Cared about a single thing
21:55That ever came out of my mouth
21:56And is that why you're here?
21:59Revenge
21:59You want
22:01Revenge on the world somehow
22:02Because if that is
22:03Then I totally understand
22:04The world hasn't been that nice to you
22:06But do you think this is going to help?
22:08Hurting us
22:09Is that who you think I am?
22:15I think we can all be pushed to revenge
22:17If somebody hurts us
22:18But
22:18The question is
22:20Can we stop ourselves?
22:22Shall we stop ourselves?
22:30Where's the script?
22:31What?
22:32The script
22:32The first one
22:33The first one that you wrote
22:35Is it?
22:36Is that what this is about?
22:39Is that what you want?
22:41What do you want?
22:42You want a memento?
22:43Like a fucking souvenir?
22:44Lenny
22:45You break my house
22:46You bust my ribs
22:47You scare my wife
22:48Lenny
22:49For that
22:49What?
22:50So you could show it off
22:52So it'd be like a fan?
22:53Lenny
22:53Where is the fucking script?
22:55I'm listening to you
22:57I'm listening to you right now
22:58No, it's in the safe
23:00It's in the safe
23:01In the office
23:02It's
23:03It's
23:052-0
23:062-3-2-3-0-4-8-1
23:09Just take it
23:13Take it
23:14Take whatever you want
23:15And go
23:16I'm gonna go press the button
23:29Maggie
23:30Maggie
23:30Maggie
23:31What if he comes back for me?
23:34I'm gonna get some help
23:46I'm gonna get some help
23:50Hahahaha
23:51I'm gonna get some help
23:59I'm gonna...
24:00H punch
24:01H
24:01H
24:02H
24:03H
24:03H
24:04H
24:04H
24:05H
24:05H
24:06H
24:06H
24:07H
24:07H
24:08H
24:08H
24:09Oh, my God.
24:39Oh, my God.
25:09Oh, my God.
25:39Oh, my God.
26:09Oh, my God.
26:39Oh, my God.
27:09Oh, my God.
27:39Oh, my God.
28:09Oh, my God.
28:39Oh, my God.
28:45You should go now.
28:46I've just pressed the alarm, and the police are coming.
28:49They are on their way right now.
28:51No one's coming.
29:05No one's coming.
29:07No one's coming.
29:12It's okay.
29:16It's okay.
29:21It's okay.
29:35No one's coming.
29:49No one's coming.
29:53No one's coming.
29:56I'm sorry.
29:57I'm sorry.
30:10No, I'm coming.
30:11No one's coming.
30:12No one's coming.
30:16No.
30:18Yeah.
30:20Yeah.
30:21No, you've got what you want.
30:21Just leave us alone, please.
30:23I'm used to people wanting me to go away
30:26Oh, I can't think why
30:28By the time I was 18
30:31I'd had so many names
30:33I didn't know who I was anymore
30:35Must have knocked on a hundred doors
30:39Asking to see my case files
30:41Trying to find out
30:42They said they lost them
30:44And they were burnt in a fire
30:48I'm sorry that happened to you
30:52The system contorts to protect itself
30:58I said get out
30:59Must have worked with a lot of people on that show
31:08Yeah
31:10Hundreds
31:12Cast
31:15Crew
31:16Takes a lot of hands on deck to make something like that
31:19Well, because of something you made up
31:21That's a big responsibility
31:24Nature of the beast
31:27Nature of the beast
31:30Tell me you're not one of those internet tossbots who doesn't like the ending
31:39You want me to rewrite it
31:41Like fucking misery
31:43Is that what this is about?
31:47They're not commodities, are they?
31:50What?
31:50These people
31:51You might get up, move on to the next thing, walk away
31:54But if you used that
31:55They'd get hurt
31:58I don't know what this is about
32:00I don't know what this is about
32:00You want me to confess
32:01To
32:01What?
32:03Being a prick?
32:04Being a showbiz prick?
32:06Someone who was nasty to your favourite characters?
32:10You want to cancel me?
32:13Okay, right
32:13You're right
32:14Throw a canapé into a room full of people I work with
32:19You're probably going to hit someone I was a wanker to
32:21You're like actors, directors, producers
32:23Everything you've heard is probably true
32:27Is that what you want to hear?
32:32A rich man regrets things
32:34If it makes you happy, yeah, why not?
32:39I regret it
32:40But I was just trying to make something good, you know
32:42And maybe you're here because I did
32:53I got my case files in the end
32:59A lot of the pages were black
33:03There was so much stuff redacted
33:05But they get a picture of my mum
33:07Only one I've got
33:08And
33:12It was this
33:14When she wrote this
33:18I could barely write my own name
33:20Do you remember her?
33:25I don't know what you're talking about
33:26Production assistant
33:29First series
33:30Make coffee, probably
33:32Fetch lunch
33:32You said yourself
33:34I work with a lot of people
33:35I think
33:38You remember my mother?
33:40Well, untie me
33:41And we can go through my contacts
33:44How about that?
33:48Her name
33:49Was Nell
33:51You don't remember her?
34:03Who was that?
34:04Apparently someone who handed me an almond croissant
34:06A quarter of a century ago
34:08Yeah
34:08She knew you
34:10A lot of people know me
34:12Yeah, but she wrote about you
34:13A lot of people write about me
34:15One minute he says he loves me
34:22And the next he's so terrible
34:25I feel like he'd rather I was dead
34:26Is this a joke?
34:28I don't even know her
34:29And I know
34:30All the reasons why I should live
34:32But I can't
34:34Do it anymore
34:35Leonard
34:35I swear
34:36I remember
34:37Her taking me to your set
34:39I definitely remember being excited
34:42Been happy
34:44How long did it take you to
34:48Ruin all that?
34:52Because
34:52She wrote this letter a year after you made that show
34:56No, no
34:59Um, that's impossible
35:00We were together then
35:01Leonard
35:01What is this?
35:02It's just another liar
35:03Wanting something he's not gonna get
35:05Go on
35:06Take the script
35:07You can take whatever you want
35:09And get out
35:10She says
35:13You told her to do it
35:14She says you told her
35:17Maybe she should end it
35:18If being with you was making her so sad
35:21Come on
35:23Is that what you did?
35:26No
35:26Did she tell her to do it?
35:30Look
35:30I'm sorry to ruin your sad story
35:32I don't even remember meeting your mother
35:34Never mind falling in love with her
35:48I sometimes wonder if
35:49I was in the room as she wrote this
35:52Ben
35:59I'm so
36:06So sorry for what happened to you
36:08I know it's tough
36:11I sometimes wonder if
36:12If you meant for me to read this one, Mary
36:17But you have to understand
36:18A lot of people say things about Lenny
36:20That just aren't true
36:22And these lies we just have to deal with
36:25Even if it's hard
36:27Maybe that's why she wrote it on the back of this
36:30Hey Nelly
36:32Sorry I had to leave so early
36:35I just wanted to let you know
36:38I could never forget a day like this
36:42Did you write that?
36:47Of course I didn't
36:49Then why is it in your handwriting?
36:54Is this truly how pathetic and greedy you actually are?
36:56You think you could make me pay you to go away with this horse shit?
37:01I just said you loved her if the opposite was true
37:03Leonard
37:04I never said anything of a salt
37:06I love you
37:13Past the edges of time
37:16Did you tell her to do it?
37:39Tell it to me!
37:43Did you tell her to do it?
37:46I'll tell you what's not in your case file
37:50Your mother was a fruitcake
37:53Yeah
37:56I just told her to shit or get off the pot if she's so unhappy
38:00And you know what?
38:04I did her a favour
38:05Shut up!
38:06I know I did because
38:07I was there when it happened
38:10I'm not even afraid
38:11I don't want to go away with my son
38:12I know what's going on
38:15No, I need you to do it
38:16I don't want to do it
38:17I'm not afraid
38:17I'm going to do it
38:18Leave me
38:19No
38:19Let's meet you
38:20You're anything
38:21Let's meet you
38:21I don't want to go away with my son
38:22Look at him
38:23I'm not afraid
38:24You're anything
38:25I'm not afraid
38:26I'm not afraid
38:26so yes i do remember your pathetic little mother
38:35i remember the look in her eyes
38:40almost it almost looked like a smile
38:56you choose what happens
39:02you choose what happens
39:07you choose
39:08you choose what happens
39:10it's okay
39:17it's gonna be okay
39:31maggie
39:33yeah yeah yeah cut them
39:39maggie yeah yeah cut the ties
39:42maggie what are you doing
39:46what is it
39:48i'm telling the police what happened
40:10what i found
40:12when i came out of the shower
40:14you
40:18attacking
40:22this young man
40:24because he came here to find out
40:27the truth about his mother
40:30and i stopped it
40:31maggie
40:49shhhh
40:49shhhh
40:50shh
40:50shhhh
40:51shhhh
40:51shh
41:01Thank you for calling 999.
41:24What's your emergency?
Be the first to comment