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The Blame Game Season 23 Episode 2
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Short filmTranscript
00:00.
00:30Hello, hello, and welcome to The Blame Game,
00:38the show that has more laughs than Nigel Farage
00:41has people talking to him at a school reunion.
00:45I'm Tim McGarry, and our regular panellists are...
00:48Colin Murphy, Diona Daugherty and Neil Delamere!
00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:57And our special guest tonight is a uniquely brilliant comedian
01:00known for his superb one-liners, his surreal flights of fancy
01:04and his inability to comb his hair.
01:07You'll know him from Mock the Week and loads of other TV shows,
01:10but it's his first time on The Blame Game,
01:11so please give a lovely warm welcome to the fabulous Milton John!
01:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:22Some English guests turn up on The Blame Game
01:24without knowing much about Northern Ireland,
01:26but fear not, for we have now introduced
01:28the Blame Game English Guest Induction Kit.
01:31LAUGHTER
01:32Last week, we sent Milton a box of Tito Cheese and Onion,
01:35a bottle of Buckfast and ten episodes of Give My Head Peace.
01:38LAUGHTER
01:39Milton now knows the difference between a flag and a flag.
01:43LAUGHTER
01:44He knows that a peeler is nothing to do with potatoes
01:47and that this show will be judged as a success
01:50if it passes off peacefully.
01:51LAUGHTER
01:53So what is our first question tonight?
01:55Our first question tonight is asked by Josh from Bangor.
01:58Hi, Josh.
01:58Hi there.
01:59Who's the blame for spending our money?
02:02Yes, it was Budget Week.
02:04Over in Britain, they debated tax thresholds,
02:06cash ISA limits and pension contributions.
02:09In Northern Ireland, we simply asked,
02:11how much did we squeeze out of the Brits this time?
02:14LAUGHTER
02:15And the answer is, we got an extra 370 million quid
02:19and half of Northern Ireland went,
02:20yo, that's Casement Park's ordered.
02:22LAUGHTER
02:24In the budget, the two-child cap was lifted.
02:28Good to see Rachel Reeves looking after the Catholics.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:32But there was consternation in North Downe
02:36with the introduction of a mansion tax for properties
02:38worth over £2 million.
02:40Yes, many residents of Coutreau are worried sick
02:43that their houses might not be worth that much.
02:48LAUGHTER
02:48But who can we blame for spending our money?
02:52Yeah, can you believe so?
02:53Rachel Reeves announced the Budget and just before she did it,
02:55like you said, the OBR leaked it.
02:57So somebody accidentally published that too early.
03:00I hope there's an investigation.
03:01There's a young lad in a room somewhere.
03:03Go on, I didn't mean to do it, I press the button!
03:06It says on your CV,
03:06you worked in Northern Ireland before you were here.
03:08Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:09What did you do in Northern Ireland?
03:10I was responsible for the database
03:12with all the police names and addresses.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:15So there's good news and bad news, right?
03:20So the good news is that they've frozen the fuel duty,
03:23the duty on fuel.
03:24If there's anybody from South Armagh in the audience,
03:27fuel duty is...
03:31..is what other people pay on diesel, OK?
03:34So that's kind of good news.
03:35Bad news is there's still a demographic time bomb
03:37because there's too many pensioners
03:38and there's not enough workers to pay the pensions of pensioners.
03:41And Rachel Reeves said,
03:42oh, well, we've taken all the hard decisions
03:43and they haven't really,
03:44because it's fairly easy to cut the number of pensioners
03:47if you really want to.
03:47All you have to do is make electric cars quieter.
03:51LAUGHTER
03:53You can't deny it. That's not funny halfway through.
03:56You can't go, ha-ha, oh, actually, no, my God, erm...
03:59No, no, I mean, that would solve the issue, but it's...
04:01No, so that's one of the things they could do.
04:03Now, what was weird is she didn't take a drink.
04:05Did you see this?
04:06You know you were allowed...
04:07Yeah, you know.
04:08The only time that you were allowed drink
04:09on the floor of the House of Commons
04:10is when you were the Chancellor given the budget, right?
04:11Really? Yes!
04:12Yeah, you know.
04:13I just think it would be very interesting
04:14to watch her slowly get pissed.
04:15So she starts off with,
04:16we have lifted 400,000 children out of child poverty,
04:18and then, like, an hour later,
04:19and then another thing!
04:20Yeah, I'm going to take the two-child-cap benefit
04:21that's gone, or the TAG tax, as I like to call it.
04:23So I suppose another win for Boris Johnson the prick!
04:25It would just be amazing to watch her do that.
04:41What I didn't enjoy was...
04:43Kemi Bader not got on this run,
04:44and then when she would say, she went,
04:46TAXES!
04:47And the Tories behind her went, UP!
04:49And then she said,
04:50Government spending!
04:50And they went, UP!
04:51And then everything she said,
04:52they went, UP!
04:53went up and then everything she said they went up and then she did the same
04:57for down so it's a bit like it was welfare up unemployment up and I kind of
05:01thought I want to do that I want to do that with the audience so when I point
05:04to you I want you to go down right because this is what they did yesterday
05:07she went growth wow they're good okay investment credibility of the Chancellor
05:16best type of duvet depressed people feel snobs that live in North the best way
05:30you could earn a few bob if you're here by the way is if you are a Protestant you
05:34can apply for a job in the zoo yes yeah so now they'll take anybody but they're
05:39underrepresented and they want Protestants males to apply yeah yeah well I didn't
05:45mean to be in the zoo do you have to prove you're probably prove you're
05:49Protestant in the interview do you just have to be like yeah absolutely my
05:53favorite song is simply the best and there is a photograph of my toaster in
05:56the cupboard
05:58and like you know I think that obviously there's never been there's not hardly
06:03that many Protestant men must enter the zoo at all they probably do keep one of
06:06them in a cage knowing for us all to go have a wee joke at press a wee button and
06:10you just hear David Attenborough there like here lies rarely spotted
06:15Protestant male with his eyes just that little bit too far apart these creatures
06:22work terrifically well together throughout the entire sunny month of July
06:27these note the nasal in sound I that only the other males understand and observe his
06:35strong calves from decades of marching down the sandy road the hosest thing night the
06:43two million point I was intrigued by that too right I thought do we have
06:46property here that qualifies for this right and I look it up and right now you
06:51can do it at home if you look up the property news website any of them and there are nine
06:56houses here that are priced over two million squid only nine and they're all in
07:01control one of them is right on the sea running was right down in Belfast loch
07:05Milton and it's right there and then beautiful view over Belfast loch to
07:08Carrickfergus if you're buying a house for for 2.9 million that's what this
07:15one's on at 2.9 million you do not want to be looking at Carrickfergus and a
07:18stenoferi I always think though finances are very difficult to understand like my
07:34whole name is Milton 79 Heathfield Road Jones because my dad thought you could
07:39save tax by putting your house in your son's name
07:51my my stepson years ago was doing like a wee bio on himself and skill like your
07:57favorite your favorite food your favorite country whatever and he had to write his
08:01favorite song and he had written the word steno line beside it and I was like mate
08:05that's a boat and he was like it's a song and I was like prove it then and he went
08:08ah ah ah ah ah steno line
08:17Carrickfergus is concerned about itself though because the councillors have
08:21voted to change the name of one of their town one of their streets Prince Andrew
08:26Way and they decided we better not yet we better change this and they've changed it
08:30to Savile Row
08:36here a great way of earning some extra money too is to be a PSNI officer at the
08:42minute because a report came out this week saying that there's loads of them have
08:46earned so much overtime some of them have earned up to like 50 55 grand a year
08:50because they're doing loads of overtime I I think they love it do you know what I mean
08:55like a wee call comes in for like a riot and they're like oh no oh what are we
09:00gonna do now and then they just like log it as new conservatory like they're
09:04buzzing they're standing in the outskirts of a parade like don't you boys be
09:08rioting or we'll be here all day
09:11but you would think it's because there's not enough police officers there they're
09:15spread fun but you would think with the success of blue lights it would like
09:18encourage people the joke is to let anybody into blue sorry not anybody Tim oh I think the
09:45police could have as much money as they want they do an incredible job I mean
09:49they hold terrorists indefinitely which is a very long hug and are they king
09:58penguins at Belfast Zoo because I saw David Attenborough do a piece about how
10:03they marched right across the Arctic so presumably all of them are Protestants and
10:11also seals as well because they sound like Ian Paisley
10:22see that induction coursework didn't it
10:31here talking about the cops I've told you the funniest thing I've ever seen involving the
10:35guarantee what I was that walking the dog near Mountjoy prison and the guards were arresting a fella who'd flown his
10:41drone into a tree and it was drugs underneath the drone in a pouch 25 feet stuck up in the
10:46tree the drone was there's one guard here he's been arresting the young fella and
10:50there's another guard here and for the next 25 minutes I watched this guard kicking a
10:53football trying to knock a drone out of a tree
10:56it was magnificent right he took off the stab vest he turned off the radio licked his finger to judge the
11:05distance threw a bit of grass in the air probably shouldn't have been carrying that on him to be
11:09honest
11:11borrowed a football from a young lad because a crowd had gathered he balloons the ball up misses the tree bow
11:15right he's brutal he misses the tree bow about seven times he's so bad with the football when we arrived me the dog there was a squirrel sitting in the middle of the tree and after six shots the squirrel ran out along the tree bow
11:23and sat on the drone because the squirrel had calculated that the safest place to sit
11:30in the tree was on it it was amazing so what is our next question tonight our next question tonight is asked by Jennifer from West Belfast hi Jennifer how are you?
11:45Hiya
11:47Who do you blame for dredging up history?
11:50Well I hope this isn't about my history and dredging that up the time I went on a ballooning holiday and put on four stone
11:57I think this is to do with a watch that was found on the wreck of the Titanic that was just auctioned for 1.7 million pounds
12:12you know the Titanic yeah the big ocean liner
12:18named after the hotel in Belfast
12:23and yeah well this watch was engraved by a Mr Strauss and it said be lucky
12:29and in the film Titanic Strauss and his wife are in it and they're holding hands as the boat goes down it's a very unfortunate superglue accident
12:42only a few minutes before they've been playing games on the deck with other passengers and Mrs Strauss had said I spy with my little eye something beginning with eye
12:54they were going Ibex Italy Ian and then it hit them
13:01the watch was found by a submarine called HMS Nando's when it put up its peri periscope
13:15but years ago I was offered a shipyard apprenticeship but I really didn't want to be a shipyard
13:26I think if I was on the in the band that went down with the ship and I was playing the cello and I was looking at all the people in the water I'd probably play the Jaws music
13:42so it might be that history being dredged up although the other thing that could possibly be with the dredging up of the history is lots of people want Irish passports at the moment I know I do
13:57you know what it's like one DNA test Bob's your uncle
14:02it turns out I have an aunt who's almost Irish her name's Iris
14:13thank you thank you very much for that yes indeed talks are taking place to finally end the war in Ukraine whatever the outcome Vladimir Putin has made it clear that Russia will continue to hold on to the territories it currently occupies the territories in question being Mar-a-Lago and the White House
14:40and our next question tonight is asked by Amber from Newry hi Amber what's your question
14:50hiya who's to blame for men behaving badly who do you blame for men behaving badly there are two main differences between Westminster and Stormont firstly when they take holidays at Westminster the breaks are usually less than two to three years
15:04secondly at Westminster they're currently debating the big question namely can Rachel Reeves budget balance the books and at the same time stimulate economic growth meanwhile at Stormont the big question is who's flooded the bogs again
15:17yes there have been a series of flooding incidents at Stormont in an area that requires a special pass so suspicion is falling on someone who works at Stormont or if not someone who works at Stormont possibly an MLA
15:32meanwhile the new Irish language commissioner clearly thinks kneecap behave badly and he doesn't think they promote the Irish language in the right way he may have a point mind you when I was at school they promoted the Irish language through dull poetry about boglands in Donegal and vicious beatings administered by Christian Brothers
15:53still it never did me one bit of harm but who can we blame for men behaving badly I will take this one thank you
16:10the new Irish language commissioner as you mentioned he's not a fan of kneecap he doesn't want to work with kneecap he says they're not promoting Irish language in the way he would like listen have you heard the way we even speak English
16:22do you mean like people in Derry are calling kids Wayne's guilty people in Belfast are calling Kirby Cribby we're all arguing about how you even pronounce the letter H like we bastardize the English language we may as well ruin the Irish one as well
16:37the amount of people according to the amount of people that I want to learn Irish is like soaring there's a part London Irish Centre has like 2,000 people on a waiting list who want to learn the Irish language and most of them are English and I just love the idea of English people being like oh my god can you believe they've made up their own language
17:00how creative
17:03my absolute favourite man behaving badly this week was a story about a guy called Sir Benjamin right this aristocrat he was 79 years old and he put out the best wanted ad of all time he was looking for he's looking for a new wife right but he's got very strict criteria the first one being he said she needs to be a good breeder
17:22yeah
17:23a queer breeder not all them shite breeders that will give you a ginger a queer breeder
17:28he wants a good breeder and also there's a height restriction she has to be over 5 foot 6
17:33now so you have to be this high to ride this or Benjamin rollercoaster
17:36loads and loads of criteria he uh he if this woman will also get like 50 grand and she'll get like two castles to look after he said she also can't be over 60 you can swing your bus pass holding hook if you're over 60 right
17:50the reason he wants her to be young is he said that she would be easier to insure
17:55like she's a John Deere tractor
17:59he's going fully comp on her like isn't that
18:02first thing I've got two questions one
18:05in what world are we living in where this old man thinks that he can list off criteria for a woman like he's choosing her out of a catalogue it's sexist it's demeaning it's disgusting
18:14and second of all where can I apply
18:20going back to Stormont
18:23toilets aren't straightforward at all my wife's always saying to me you left the lid up you've left the lid up and I say yeah but what if it's a man the next person to use the toilet
18:32she goes it's a pedal bin
18:38thank you for that yes indeed the Stormont toilets have been flooded six times this year and this is how far we've sunk in Northern Ireland
18:47a few years ago news from Stormont involved bomb scares a spy ring and an unwanted visit from Michael Stone
18:54now oh no a sink's been blocked
18:59so what is our next question tonight our next question tonight is asked by Stella
19:03who says she's from lovely Lurgan lovely Lurgan there's two words you never hear in the same sentence
19:10what's your question Stella
19:13who's to blame for breaking the rules
19:15thank you Stella who do you blame for breaking the rules yes
19:18buskers and preachers in Belfast have been breaking noise pollution rules so new bylaws being introduced buskers will have to keep the noise down
19:27preachers will not be able to go above 70 decibels 70 decibels is roughly equivalent to the sound of a washing machine or an old money half an Ian Paisley
19:37and charges were dropped over damage caused to a painting in City Hall alleged to have been caused by a Sinn Feiner
19:44Michelle O'Neill was asked if she would name the alleged culprit
19:48she replied the PPS have made their views known and I respect their position
19:54just to translate that for Milton Michelle said I'm not a tout
19:58but who can we blame for breaking the rules
20:04yes I think this is the best idea Belfast City Council has ever come up with
20:10yep
20:11and I'm not the only one because you know where people get really really annoyed here about dog muck or dog dirt
20:19and they're always ringing in and talking about dog dirt everywhere
20:22there was 1400 sorry there were 4000 complaints about dog dirt in five years to Belfast City Council right
20:28and when consultation went out for this idea that they were going to fine
20:34buskers if they go over a certain volume there were 18,000 people responded
20:3818,000 people went yes do it now do it immediately
20:42when you go down Royal Avenue and you go in the city centre of Belfast
20:44it's not just one person with a guitar do you know what I mean it used to be
20:47used to be used to be in the old days don't used to be a guy used to stand there with a banjo and he
20:51four strings and then as he got older there were three strings then there were two strings
20:55and then there was one string and then there was just a man with a banjo right that's all it was
20:59right now you go in and it's a full-on gig there's there's roadies there's uh there's dry ice there's
21:06there's a good evening Arthur Street do you know what I mean it's just it's humbly
21:13people have lighters there going I love this one what I love this one it's not sort of it's not
21:18sort of it's not like in the old days there was no amplification with
21:24buskers in Belfast City Centre right and they were competing with the troubles do you know what I mean
21:30nowadays you go there could be a bomb go off on Royal Avenue tomorrow right and you wouldn't hear it over
21:39Wonderwall that's all you would hear but busker is actually a Spanish word I was really intrigued
21:45about where the word busker came from and it comes from the Spanish apparently busker
21:51um yeah which is uh which which is uh Spanish for um uh you're awful that's what it comes for
21:59and uh in Irish it's brush car and uh no kneecap fans in then and uh thought that was good yeah
22:07and uh yeah yeah um but there is there's a hierarchy in show business and you know what I mean buskers
22:12are not really you know they're not the bottom in fairness you know we all know this you know the the the
22:17hierarchy goes uh mime artists jugglers human statues human statues are slightly above jugglers
22:22because they stay still um then buskers then magicians then pub singers then priests then
22:27ventriloquists then comedians actors and strippers that's that's the hierarchy
22:32um uh have you seen the ones with the contactless payments oh my good god oh yeah all the arrogance
22:37and audacity of the busker that has a contactless payment that is what you can do a direct debit if you
22:42if you want you can
22:45I could insert that flute somewhere fella
22:49it's uh it is but the drummer the lambeg drummer you uh you mentioned that there was a guy uh last month
22:55I think uh it was uh north antrum or antrum some council in antrum um he was uh served with a noise
23:01notice abatement notice five grand they were fining him and the poor man was doing nothing he was doing
23:07do you know what he was doing 5 000 pounds he was uh he was fine 5 000 pounds for uh 10 minutes every
23:13night seven nights a week five you know practicing his lambeg drum that's all he was doing right
23:18a lambeg drum do you know how loud a lambeg drum is 120 decibels right that's the equivalent of an
23:24aircraft a jet aircraft taken off that's what that sounds like it's I wouldn't be on that airplane if I
23:30heard that noise we're going to something wrong with that engine
23:33we've got a bow in 1690 taken off that's what it sounds like
23:37ladies and gentlemen we'll be flying the traditional route
23:40it is it's phenomenally loud there was a brilliant report on uh it was so brilliant on X uh an MLA your man's local MLA was outraged that a constituent uh had been
23:53cannot bang his drum cannot a man cannot bang his drum in the privacy of his own garden
23:58and um that does that does sound like something without being well close
24:03and uh yeah so uh yeah he he made a wee uh video because they're all all uh all the politicians now they're all on
24:09they're all on the tick tock and all them on the X and the tick tock and the instagram boys
24:13and so they're all making wee videos of themselves won't you you know you video me and I'll stand beside him
24:18right so the wee video that they made right was uh your man with his lambeck drum
24:24right and the MLA's standing here and right beside the drum
24:29120 decibels
24:31and then the man stops and then the MLA's looking at it he's like as he's you know I'm appreciating the drumming
24:38and uh and then he turns to the camera and he starts to speak
24:41my constitution
24:48you know all he can hear is
24:54that's why all he can hear is
25:00but you're right noise is really scary for people people don't like noise I lost my dog recently
25:06and I was shouting his name and I could see people getting really worried unfortunately he is called death to the west
25:13I saw an amazing street performer the other day he was dressed as a policeman he was kicking a ball into a tree
25:34he was amazing by the way he tried for about half an hour and he couldn't get it down he had he had to go and knock on the door the guy who owned the on the tree the tree was in his yard
25:53because we were now in an Irish folk song because there was drugs in the drone the drone the tree the tree in the yard the yellow tree
26:00I swear to God the drunkest man I've ever seen it was Christmas it was Christmas week and he was buckled right
26:07so the little man walks out with the out of the outside and he goes jesus two guards identical twins both joined the guardee there's one guard in front of him
26:15and the guard goes jesus what's the story with the metal drone and he goes there's a drone stuck in the tree we're gonna need to poke it down
26:22what's the longest thing you have in the house the guard says and your man goes lord of the rings
26:36and it is he got it down eventually it is my dying wish that I should my regret forever I didn't go up to that guard
26:42I should have gone up to my only thought of it afterwards I should have gone up what are you doing what are you doing trying to knock stuff down out of trees like this
26:49surely there should be an elite unit in the guardee to try and get stuff down out of trees
26:53he'd be like who special branch
27:03thank you thank you very much for that just time for a quickfire round I will read you various newspaper headlines and I want you to be faster than Cara Hunter MLA going to the loo
27:11standards falling infertility clinic one-star review on snip advisor
27:22don't pull the plug my grandmother's last words
27:28the royal nutcracker
27:30Charles reveals what he's gonna do to Andrew
27:32prehistoric man could be brought back to life
27:39first question have they finished the A5 yet
27:43why the saber-toothed tiger died out
27:47because despite hunting everywhere it couldn't find an NHS dentist
27:52do you love camper vans I prefer manlier ones
27:59and finally crabs migrate annually annually sorry
28:15that's it ladies and gentlemen that's the end of the show please show your appreciation to our panel
28:28Colin Murphy Milton Jones
28:30Diona Doherty and Neil Delamere
28:41I'm Tim McGarry until next week
28:43don't blame yourselves blame each other
28:45goodbye
28:47APPLAUSE
28:48APPLAUSE
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