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00:00You're not wearing a dog collar?
00:01Oh, well noticed, though.
00:02Yeah, I'm going commando these days.
00:04LAUGHTER
00:06Richard and I go back a long way.
00:08We were in the communards together.
00:09LAUGHTER
00:17Still a bastard.
00:19LAUGHTER
00:30APPLAUSE
01:00Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
01:03I am Professor Hannah Fry.
01:04In the news this week, after several sherrys too many
01:08in Yates' Wine Lodge, Liz Truss tries to attack the landlord
01:11for telling her she's barred.
01:19In Teddington, security camera footage finally reveals
01:22the identity of a creepy peeping Tom.
01:25And in Cambridge, Wales, there is a delicious sense of irony
01:42as the head of South East Water has to empty his block drains himself.
01:46LAUGHTER
01:49APPLAUSE
01:51On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who found fame
01:57by making shorts on YouTube.
01:59To be clear, that is comedy films, not a sewing channel.
02:02Please welcome Sydney Christie.
02:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:08On Paul's team tonight is a writer, retired vicar
02:11and former pop star who says he now sticks his money in Isis
02:15rather than up his nose.
02:17LAUGHTER
02:18The way things are going there, Richard, up your nose sounds far
02:21safer.
02:22Please mark on Reverend Richard Coles.
02:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:28We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:31Ian and Finlay, here's yours.
02:33Mmm.
02:34New kind of AI.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:37That's Pinocchio.
02:40And that's someone who does not lie.
02:43And this is the Prime Minister.
02:45It is.
02:46Is that the level that this quiz has reached?
02:48We are now asked to identify who the Prime Minister is.
02:50LAUGHTER
02:51Is this the fallout from the Budget?
02:53It is the fallout from the Budget, absolutely.
02:55Well, yes, the Chancellor has been accused of lying.
02:58Yes.
02:59Suggesting that things were worse with the economy than she said
03:04and that gave her the chance to raise taxes and spend more money.
03:08She thought, yeah, the black hole was not as big as she thought,
03:11but, to be fair, black holes are normally massive.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:15Absolutely right.
03:16The final OBR report on 31 October told Reeves that she was on course
03:19for a surplus of £4.2 billion, but four days later,
03:24she went on TV to tell us we are all doomed.
03:26Yes.
03:27And the extra money comes from the fact that she has given such large
03:30wage settlements to people, they have to pay taxes,
03:32so she's got more money than she thought she might have,
03:36which she didn't notice.
03:38So, I think the answer is put everybody's wages up endlessly.
03:41LAUGHTER
03:43I'm not an economist!
03:45APPLAUSE
03:49You see, populism is incredibly easy.
03:51LAUGHTER
03:53So, the economy is maybe not as bad as we thought,
03:55but what message of hope did the government have
03:58for young people this week?
04:00I didn't hear it.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:04I'm surprised you missed this, actually, Finlay,
04:06because Cabinet Office Minister Josh Simmonds said this week
04:09that the economic outlook for the under-50s is, frankly, shit.
04:13LAUGHTER
04:15Ah!
04:16Apparently, I am going to be richer on a state pension at 106
04:21than you will be in your biggest earning year at 45,
04:25because you'll have to pay back so much interest on your student loan.
04:28I don't know if you had one.
04:29OK.
04:30What are you getting paid for this show?
04:31LAUGHTER
04:32Well, I mean, vicars are paid an absolute fortune.
04:36LAUGHTER
04:37He's just loaded all those years working for the C of E.
04:40Ah!
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42How easy is it to be a vicar?
04:44LAUGHTER
04:45If you look around at the bench of bishops,
04:47you'll see it's a very low bar indeed.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50I'm down, look, listen, I'm...
04:53Fuck this.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:55You've already got the lingo.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:59APPLAUSE
05:01I think that the best response to the Budget
05:07actually came from Suffolk Police and Crime Commissioner
05:11Tim Passmore.
05:12Oh, yeah.
05:13Do you know him?
05:14No.
05:15Oh.
05:16Who is this guy?
05:17I've just been listening to the Budget
05:18and Rachel Reeves commenting.
05:19And I'm getting fed up with more and more taxes
05:22on everything that is done.
05:24I think the tourist idea...
05:26The idea of a tourist tax is complete nonsense.
05:28We've got to control welfare spending
05:30and stop putting extra taxes up.
05:32LAUGHTER
05:34He's a police commissioner.
05:38And a swinger, obviously.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:42APPLAUSE
05:46See where the word up is placed?
05:48LAUGHTER
05:50It's code.
05:52Quite easy to crack.
05:53That's code.
05:54Police commissioners are being scrapped, aren't they?
05:56Yeah.
05:57Because they've been decided they're a waste of money.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01And there he is proving his work.
06:03Indeed.
06:04Out from the swings.
06:05Looking after our kids.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:11Now, you made that joke up yourself.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:14Your fault.
06:15Which Labour MP got in trouble this week?
06:18George Williams.
06:19No.
06:20No.
06:21I bet it sounded like it was a Labour MP, though, didn't I?
06:23Yeah.
06:24Almost had me.
06:25Is this Tulip Sadiq?
06:26It is Tulip Sadiq.
06:27Oh, yeah.
06:28She's in trouble because she was found guilty of corruption
06:31in Bangladesh and sentenced to two years in jail.
06:34Here is Tulip Sadiq with her aunt and an awkward plus one.
06:37LAUGHTER
06:39David Lammy.
06:40Did he have any big news this week?
06:42Scrapping juries.
06:43Oh, yeah.
06:44Justice.
06:45There's a huge backlog in trials.
06:46Some people who have been charged now won't be tried
06:49for another five years.
06:50Absolutely.
06:51There's also another 12 prisoners that have been...
06:54Yes.
06:55Accidentally released.
06:56Mm.
06:57In the last three weeks.
06:58So clumsy.
06:59Two of them, by the way, still at large.
07:01Mm.
07:02But he could halve that number if he just accepted that
07:04Bangladeshi extradition request.
07:06LAUGHTER
07:10But there's been a certain amount of debate about whether
07:12scrapping juries is a good idea.
07:14Mm.
07:15Because then it's just a judge.
07:16That's better, though, surely.
07:18Not in my experience.
07:19Really?
07:20LAUGHTER
07:24I'm quite keen on jury.
07:28They're just not keen on you, are they?
07:30No.
07:31Shame.
07:32Shame.
07:33I feel like there's no other job where, like,
07:34your job can be done by just 12 random people.
07:37We're going for surgery and then we've got a primary school teacher
07:41and a bin man.
07:43We're going to just bring them up to speed on how to do it.
07:46We really don't know much about the bishops of the Church of England.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:53Finally, what did Scottish Labour councillor Hanif Rajah
07:56try to get away with doing on a work Zoom call recently?
07:59He had nothing from the waist down.
08:01And Yodel came to the door and the rest is history.
08:03Yeah.
08:04Yeah.
08:05That doesn't happen.
08:06We'll be fine.
08:07LAUGHTER
08:08Do you want to see the clip?
08:11No, go on.
08:12Can you see the slide OK and hear me?
08:14Yes, thanks.
08:15Perfect.
08:16LAUGHTER
08:17So, this application relates to the proposal section of
08:21Banshee stories system...
08:22Before we start, Bailey Raja, are you aware that your camera is live?
08:26LAUGHTER
08:31LAUGHTER
08:33The thing is, another councillor was shouting at him,
08:36log out, log out!
08:37And he was like, that's what I'm trying to do!
08:38LAUGHTER
08:45This is the news that, whether we are talking about OBR reports
08:48or prisoners, the government can't stop things being released
08:51too early.
08:52According to one poll on the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
08:54two-thirds of the public think Rachel Reeves should resign,
08:57to which a concerned Reeves remarked,
08:59blimey, that is nearly 50%.
09:01LAUGHTER
09:03One of those calling for Reeves' resignation was former Bank of
09:08England economist Andrew Sentence, although the full reasons
09:12why she should quit were laid out by his colleague Chris Paragra.
09:16LAUGHTER
09:18Defending her attacks on Rachel Reeves, Tory leader Kemmy Badenoch said
09:22it wasn't her job to provide emotional support,
09:26something she regularly reminds her children.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:32Also this week, a Labour politician was seen sitting on the toilet
09:36after leaving his camera on during a meeting.
09:39Hanif Raja is a councillor for Pollock Shields.
09:42Given the angle of that camera, he could have done with a pair of those.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:47APPLAUSE
09:49OK.
09:50Paul and Richard, here's yours.
09:54OK, there's Jeremy Corbyn, they're launching a new party.
09:57And there's the choices of names, Popular Alliance, Your Party,
10:01and this is... Which one of them is clapping in time?
10:03You can't really tell, can you?
10:05LAUGHTER
10:06It's been quite chaotic, the launch of Your Party,
10:08as the name have settled on.
10:09They don't have one individual leader.
10:11There's a committee of people, isn't there,
10:13that's leading the party at the moment.
10:15Absolutely right.
10:16This is the newly formed Hard Left Party, Your Party,
10:19originally set up by Labour rebels, Jeremy Corbyn and Zahra Sultana.
10:23Now, of course, the Hard Left, they hate being made fun of.
10:26So let's begin...
10:27Yeah.
10:28..with a montage of the best bits of the conference.
10:31Fine.
10:32For the many, we must organise.
10:38Consider about it.
10:40Talked a lot about the toxic politics of the Labour Party,
10:43but I tell you, there's some toxic politics...
10:45We are going to have to turn the mic off.
10:47LAUGHTER
10:49Please speak to the option.
10:51I am speaking to the option.
10:53I'm addressing people's concerns.
10:55No booing conference.
11:01If you behave badly and are unkind,
11:06there will be consequences.
11:08LAUGHTER
11:09Oh, conference.
11:11Dear, dear, dear.
11:13LAUGHTER
11:15Dear.
11:16Those were the highlights.
11:18LAUGHTER
11:19What is the party called, officially?
11:21Your party.
11:22Yeah. Absolutely.
11:23I'll cry if I want to.
11:24LAUGHTER
11:26It's such a bad name, isn't it?
11:28The worst kind of party is one that you're having.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:32Nobody wants...
11:33Oh, there's a party.
11:34Oh, where?
11:35Yours.
11:36Ah.
11:37It should be called someone else's party.
11:39Yeah.
11:40Calling it your party when the two leaders both think it's my party.
11:43LAUGHTER
11:44It's not good.
11:45But they had a vote and they've decided that neither of the two people
11:48who set up the party should sit on the committee that runs the party.
11:52The new party organisers, they didn't want to disintegrate into
11:55warring factions so soon.
11:56No.
11:57Oh, really?
11:58So they decided to reject anyone who they thought was a member
12:01of another party.
12:02So the Socialist Workers Party.
12:04Yeah.
12:05The People's Front of Judea.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:07Although I think they were not welcome for other reasons.
12:11Yes.
12:12What are your party's members vulnerable to?
12:15Reality.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17Showers.
12:18Um...
12:19Apparently being seduced by Zach Polanski.
12:21Oh, yeah.
12:22He's a Svengali of the Green Party.
12:23Yeah, he was meant to be here tonight.
12:24He absolutely was.
12:25And then he chicken...
12:26Sorry, tofu'd out.
12:27LAUGHTER
12:28APPLAUSE
12:41Was that actually...
12:42When he was supposed to be coming on, he messaged me on Instagram.
12:46He was like, great to see we're on together on Have I Got News For You.
12:48He said, um, be nice to me and I'll be your friend.
12:54He didn't say that to me.
12:56LAUGHTER
12:57But, yeah, I think he was scared.
12:59I think that's why I didn't come.
13:01Stay ducking me, Zach.
13:02I'm coming for you.
13:03LAUGHTER
13:05Yeah.
13:06I'm just learning to live with the fact that I'm the second choice
13:09after Zach Polanski.
13:11LAUGHTER
13:12Well, third, actually.
13:13No, sorry.
13:15Eddie the Eagle busy again.
13:18To be honest, we tried to get sooty.
13:20Yeah.
13:21And Roman Polanski.
13:23LAUGHTER
13:24He always gets my gigs, bastard.
13:26Yeah.
13:27In other news, what has former Conservative vice-chairman
13:30and MP for Stoke-on-Trent, Jonathan Gullis, done?
13:33Joined to reform.
13:34Correct.
13:35How welcoming has the reform party been to people like Jonathan Gullis?
13:39Well, they can afford to be very welcoming now,
13:41cos they've just got nine million quid from that dodgy bloke
13:44who gave Boris Johnson a million quid
13:46and Boris Johnson gave you an £80 million defence contract.
13:49Allegedly.
13:50Mm-hm.
13:51Mm-hm.
13:52Good luck with the jury.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:54APPLAUSE
14:00What has Nigel Farage done almost 2,000 times in the last 12 months?
14:04Is it that thing on the way you pay someone to say hello on the internet?
14:07Exactly.
14:08Cameo.
14:09Cameo.
14:10Yes.
14:11How much does he cost?
14:12He earned 140 grand in 2025 from it, so 2,000 times.
14:16What do you reckon?
14:17I could phone my agent is what I reckon.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:21Would you like to see one of his most famous ones?
14:23Yes, absolutely.
14:24Go on then.
14:25Happy birthday, Hugh Janus.
14:27I've heard you're a massive fan.
14:29APPLAUSE
14:312,000 of those in the last 12 months.
14:32Just says whatever people want him to say.
14:33And he does cameos as well.
14:34LAUGHTER
14:35APPLAUSE
14:36This week, Nigel Farage produced letters from former schoolmates,
14:39defending him from allegations that his banter was malicious.
14:41On the Today programme, Richard Tice was asked about Nigel Farage's
14:43relationship with Hitler.
14:44LAUGHTER
14:45For the record, I don't think Farage has had much of a relationship with Hitler.
14:52I believe he's only read one of his books.
14:55LAUGHTER
14:56We should say Farage has denied all accusations of anti-Semitic bullying.
15:13It was banter.
15:15Surely you've seen that sort of banter.
15:17And I think if Zach Polanski had come tonight, he would have agreed.
15:21Yeah.
15:22Yeah.
15:27This is the news that there is a new force on the far left.
15:32There were 2,500 delegates at the Your Party conference who had been
15:35selected via a lottery, advertised by the slogan,
15:39If you're really unlucky, it could be you.
15:41A Your Party spokesperson said that the leadership model they wanted
15:46was not top-down but bottom-up.
15:49But in the end, they arrived at a compromise.
15:52Tits-up.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:59On to round two.
16:00Oh, yes.
16:01Backed by popular demand.
16:02Yes.
16:03This is the fishing mod of news.
16:05Backed by popular demand.
16:07That's a straightforward Rachel Reeves.
16:09Yeah.
16:10How dare you? This has had an upgrade.
16:12We haven't seen the full special effect yet.
16:14Let's see the full special effect. Here we go.
16:16Let's go fish some news, people.
16:17Fish some news, yeah.
16:18Oh, wrong way.
16:19Here we go.
16:20Oh, hang on.
16:21It's broken.
16:22Here we go.
16:23Whoa.
16:24Hey!
16:25Well, that graphic didn't match what you were doing.
16:30On the other side, this is a picture of a raccoon and it broke
16:34into somewhere, a bar, I think, fell through the ceiling,
16:37drunk all the liquor in the bar and fell asleep in the bathroom,
16:40completely pissed.
16:41Pissed as a raccoon.
16:42You are absolutely right.
16:44Left a trail of destruction, broken bottles all over the place
16:47and then, yeah, in the bathroom they found this.
16:50LAUGHTER
16:52It's a credit for him having made it to the bathroom.
16:58I agree.
16:59Also, I think someone's left the bin out for him,
17:01just in case he wants to drop him in that instead.
17:04Do you know how he was dealt with by the investigator?
17:06Picks him up in a sack, threw him over the fence.
17:08LAUGHTER
17:10Did they ring his family and say,
17:16can you go and pick him up?
17:18Apparently, according to the investigator,
17:20we safely secured our masked bandit
17:23and transported him back to the shelter to sober up before questioning.
17:26LAUGHTER
17:28On the subject of animals behaving badly...
17:30Yes.
17:31Who has got beef with Peppa Pig's dad?
17:33It's David Gandy.
17:34It is David Gandy.
17:36I don't even know who he is, but...
17:38He looks so different to his great-grandad, Mahatma.
17:41LAUGHTER
17:43I mean...
17:46APPLAUSE
17:48Yeah, he complained, he said Peppa Pig's dad...
17:51Yeah.
17:52..is a very poor role model.
17:53Mm, he did.
17:54From what?
17:55As a pig.
17:56Yeah.
17:57He's a fictional cartoon pig.
17:59How can he be a role model for anybody?
18:01David Gandy called Daddy Pig a useless fool.
18:05He said he makes fathers look pathetic
18:08and gives children the wrong idea about men.
18:10This is...
18:11But it's a pig!
18:12I mean, sure.
18:13Fictional cartoon pig.
18:14I mean, there's a long tradition in comedy of useless
18:17and incapable of men.
18:19Because he doesn't, like, you know, go gym and...
18:23I don't know, drink Huel.
18:24LAUGHTER
18:25He needs to be...
18:26That's what men want as role models now.
18:29It's not a kind world, is it?
18:32Erm...
18:34Listen...
18:35That's a general point.
18:36Get used to it.
18:37LAUGHTER
18:39Sunshine.
18:41LAUGHTER
18:47Who is Peppa Pig's biggest fan, though?
18:49Oh, Boris Johnson.
18:51Absolutely Boris Johnson.
18:52At least he used to be.
18:53Yeah, he used to quote Peppa Pig in major economic speeches.
18:56LAUGHTER
18:57If only we had someone of that stature nowadays.
19:00LAUGHTER
19:01There's a recent Telegraph podcast, though,
19:03he sounds a bit more jaded.
19:05OK.
19:06I've got four children under five, which is a lot.
19:08I know!
19:09Are you all right?
19:10I know!
19:11How much Peppa Pig are you watching right now?
19:12Peppa...
19:13LAUGHTER
19:14LAUGHTER
19:15I don't know.
19:17LAUGHTER
19:18LAUGHTER
19:20Four children?
19:22Yeah.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24I used to...
19:25More like...
19:26LAUGHTER
19:32Yeah!
19:33Come on!
19:34Yeah.
19:35We're there.
19:36What did a children's TV programme inspire Wayne Rooney to do recently?
19:40I think I saw a photograph, but I'm thinking what it was.
19:42On Radio 5 Live?
19:43Yes.
19:44He said that children's television had inspired him to get a vasectomy.
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48Which character in particular do you know inspired Rooney to get the snip?
19:53Is this Peppa Pig's uncle...
19:56LAUGHTER
19:57..who has a vasectomy in series four?
20:00LAUGHTER
20:01Apparently it was Mr Tumble from CBeebies.
20:04LAUGHTER
20:05Now, if you are too old to know who the tubby clown is, here he is.
20:09LAUGHTER
20:11APPLAUSE
20:13And this is Mr Tumble.
20:15There you go.
20:16LAUGHTER
20:17This is the raccoon in Virginia that smashed several bottles of booze,
20:21got drunk and passed out in the toilet.
20:23Here is the raccoon trying to sleep it off.
20:25Aww.
20:26In fact, he only woke up when he found he was being used to clean the bowl.
20:30LAUGHTER
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33Supermodel David Gandhi says there aren't enough good examples
20:36for fathers to follow.
20:37Well, he certainly isn't one.
20:39No-one wants a dad who sits around in their pants all day.
20:41LAUGHTER
20:42It's a very funny photograph.
20:44I wonder who stole my trousers?
20:46LAUGHTER
20:47LAUGHTER
20:52All right, fingers on buzzers.
20:53Fingers on buzzers.
20:54It's time to hook another one in.
20:56Uh...
20:57Uh...
20:58BUZZER
21:03LAUGHTER
21:04Let's say we don't know.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:07It's talks between America and Russia.
21:09Russia doesn't want to give up any of its territory.
21:11It's won.
21:12Ukraine doesn't want Russia to have the territory that it's won.
21:14And it's still going on.
21:15Absolutely.
21:16Do you know who turned up this week to try and sort it all out?
21:18Jared Kushner, Donald Trump's son-in-law.
21:20Mm-hm.
21:21And Steve Wyckoff as well.
21:22Yeah.
21:23Former real estate man.
21:24Mm.
21:25Yeah.
21:26Top-level diplomats.
21:27Yeah.
21:28Sent out to agree with...
21:29I mean to...
21:30To...
21:31Negotiate with President Putin.
21:33And then they spent five hours locked in talks,
21:35after which Putin's foreign policy advisor,
21:38uh, Yuri Ushakov...
21:39Ushakov...
21:40Mm.
21:41Hang on, let me...
21:42LAUGHTER
21:44After which...
21:45It doesn't matter, he'll get another one next week.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:48The foreign policy advisor told the press,
21:52peace is no closer, but also no further away.
21:54Mm.
21:55But his reaction was positive.
21:57You know, they said, would you like peace in Ukraine?
22:00He said, I'd like to go to war with Europe.
22:02Mm.
22:03Mm.
22:04That's an advance.
22:05I think if Zack was here, he'd say that Trump should use nukes.
22:09LAUGHTER
22:11I think you've got his position nailed, haven't you?
22:15Yeah.
22:16Does anyone know what Steve Witkoff's nickname is?
22:19Wickey.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:21It's got to be Witless, hasn't it?
22:23According to The Independent, Western intelligence regard
22:26Witkoff as a Putin-loving liability, so they call him Dim Philby.
22:31LAUGHTER
22:33What does Donald Trump have no idea about?
22:36Anything.
22:37LAUGHTER
22:39Do you want it in alphabetical order?
22:41LAUGHTER
22:42You had an MRI scan.
22:43Oh, yes.
22:44He doesn't know which part of his body was examined.
22:46Exactly.
22:47But he said it was the best MRI that's ever been...
22:49Perfect.
22:50They said it was perfect.
22:51Let's hear it from Trump himself.
22:52Yeah.
22:53What part of your body was the MRI looking at?
22:55I have no idea.
22:56It was just an MRI.
22:57What part of the body?
22:58It wasn't the brain, because I took incognitive tests
23:01and I aced it.
23:02I got a perfect part, which you would be incapable of doing.
23:05Bye, everybody.
23:06You too.
23:07It's the respect for women that just shines out, isn't it?
23:10Yeah.
23:11Well, I can't see how the Peppa Pig dad is a worse role
23:12more than before.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:14Also this week, Melania Trump has unveiled this year's Christmas
23:15decorations at the White House.
23:16Oh, yes.
23:17The themed Christmas trees have been a tradition since the 1960s,
23:18when Jackie Kennedy was inspired by the Nutcracker,
23:20or, as he's better known, Lee Harvey Oswald.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:37Too soon?
23:38LAUGHTER
23:39All right, guys.
23:40Fingers on buzzers.
23:41Fingers on buzzers.
23:42Oh, yeah.
23:43Right.
23:44Here we go.
23:45Yeah.
23:46Oh!
23:47Oh!
23:48Oh!
23:49Is the fact that it's a young person significant?
23:51It is.
23:52This is the news that Gen Z do not like Christmas traditions.
24:04In particular, they are not on board with sending Christmas cards.
24:07Ooh.
24:08Is this you, Finn?
24:09Yeah, no, I'm Muslim.
24:14I don't.
24:15Sending Christmas cards has become more expensive.
24:17One woman told the BBC that to send Christmas cards,
24:20she needed a mortgage.
24:22It's not the mortgage that's the problem,
24:24it's the stamp duty.
24:25Ooh!
24:26Ooh!
24:27Don't you moan at me!
24:30In related news, what do Gen Z not like about the office?
24:34They don't like going there.
24:36Very good.
24:37Yeah.
24:38They don't like having to speak to humans.
24:40This is...
24:41This is according to...
24:42That's everyone, is it?
24:43Born at a certain time.
24:44Everybody, I see.
24:45Do you agree, Finn?
24:46Yeah.
24:47Even when I was talking to Ian backstage,
24:48I was like, I wish this was just ChatGPT.
24:50I felt the same.
24:53Yeah.
24:59This is some research by Trinity College London that says,
25:0238% of Gen Z fear making small talk in the office.
25:05Does this count as work chat for you?
25:07Are you OK?
25:08Are you...
25:09I really want to get on my phone.
25:10LAUGHTER
25:13Do you like small talk?
25:14Well, yeah, I do actually.
25:16Oh, I like the interaction thing.
25:18Also, as a vicar, it's kind of lubricant for everything.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:22LAUGHTER
25:23We would have seen that one coming, shouldn't we?
25:24You're making it worse.
25:25LAUGHTER
25:26On the subject of the church, what does God like about Christmas?
25:28The tinsel.
25:29The sound of a biro on a gift aid form, I dare say.
25:31LAUGHTER
25:32That's a good answer.
25:33That's a good answer.
25:34That's a very good answer.
25:35Well, according to the Dean of Salisbury, God is also a fan.
25:38Oh, yeah, and Christmas jumpers.
25:39Absolutely.
25:40LAUGHTER
25:41The very reverend Nicholas Papadopoulos, who writes that,
25:43while Christmas jumpers are tasteless, God is tasteless too!
25:48LAUGHTER
25:49Finally, what special treat have supermarket Aldi released for Christmas?
25:52Is it their new advert?
25:53It's actually dog mince pies.
25:54To be clear...
25:55..made out of vicar.
25:56Yeah.
25:57That's a very good answer.
25:58Well, according to the Dean of Salisbury, God is also a fan.
26:00Oh, yeah, and Christmas jumpers.
26:01Absolutely.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:03This is the very reverend Nicholas Papadopoulos, who writes that,
26:05while Christmas jumpers are tasteless, God is tasteless too!
26:08LAUGHTER
26:09Finally, what special treat have supermarket Aldi released for Christmas?
26:13Is it their new advert?
26:14It's actually dog mince pies.
26:17To be clear...
26:18Made out of dogs!
26:19LAUGHTER
26:20Oh, that's lovely!
26:22The other way round.
26:23Mince pies for dogs.
26:24Oh, sorry.
26:25Which is actually how they went down with their taste testers.
26:27Yeah, yeah.
26:28I mean, they literally couldn't give a shit.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:31Muslim dogs.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:34I don't think that's photoshopped in those, because those dogs
26:38would not be looking away from the mince pies.
26:40No.
26:41Unless they're disgusting.
26:42Have you ever known a dog...
26:44My dog used to eat shit.
26:45LAUGHTER
26:47LAUGHTER
26:52This is where you turned up.
26:53This could be Zach Polanski sitting there.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:57I bet he wouldn't say I used to give a shit to my dog.
27:00You know, fake green.
27:02LAUGHTER
27:04Time now for the odd one out round.
27:06Just one between you this week.
27:08Your four are...
27:09Robert F Kennedy, Jr, Lord Byron, Ryan Giggs and the Taliban.
27:13BUZZ
27:14Go ahead.
27:16Poetry.
27:17Oh!
27:18Poetry.
27:19Robert Kennedy wrote poems to a woman who's now an ex-lover of his
27:22and they were pretty awful.
27:23Ryan Giggs, when he wasn't knocking off his brother's wife,
27:26was writing poetry.
27:27LAUGHTER
27:29I love you like no other.
27:30Watch out, here comes your brother.
27:31LAUGHTER
27:32APPLAUSE
27:37Lord Byron, of course, famous as a poet.
27:39Mad, bad and dangerous to know.
27:40So I imagine they've all had poems printed or published or wrote poems
27:44and the Taliban have banned poetry, must be the answer.
27:46Absolutely.
27:47A specific type of poetry.
27:49It's love poetry.
27:50It is love poetry. It's a romantic poetry.
27:51It's not all poetry.
27:52This is true.
27:53I'm just saying, because we're behind and we need the points.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:56Masha'Allah.
28:01APPLAUSE
28:02Yeah, this is an uncharacteristic display of cultural authoritarianism
28:06by the Taliban.
28:07Their vice and virtue department are enforcing a new poetry law
28:11which prohibits depicting improper desires, worldly love
28:15or inappropriate emotions, as well as any criticism
28:18of their supreme leader.
28:20Hibatullah...
28:22Oh, my God.
28:23LAUGHTER
28:24Hang on.
28:25Hibatullah...
28:26You see, this is why women aren't allowed to speak in public.
28:29LAUGHTER
28:30I know.
28:31APPLAUSE
28:33Oh, the pressure.
28:36They don't mind, they're very liberal.
28:38LAUGHTER
28:40As well as any criticism of their supreme leader,
28:43Hibatullah Akhansada.
28:45To be fair, that is a right pain to rhyme with, that one, isn't it?
28:48Yeah.
28:49Yeah.
28:50Um...
28:51Throw the stones harder.
28:53LAUGHTER
28:54If it's in Akhansada.
28:56APPLAUSE
28:58Who has US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.
29:03been writing poetry for?
29:04He was an ex-lover of his.
29:06Mm.
29:07I think her name was Emily something.
29:08It's Olivia Nuzzi.
29:09Oh, right.
29:10I thought it was Typhoid Mary.
29:12LAUGHTER
29:13They had an affair, allegedly, in 2023.
29:17Yeah.
29:18And the poetry has been published as a revenge.
29:21Could you read it out?
29:22Because I've read it and...
29:24I can't.
29:25LAUGHTER
29:26I'm a red-blooded fella.
29:27Sorry about the rubella.
29:28LAUGHTER
29:29Here we go.
29:30I am a river.
29:31You are my canyon.
29:32I mean to flow through you.
29:33I mean to subdue and tame you.
29:34What?
29:35Uh...
29:36We've got Brian Giggs, who loved poetry as well.
29:37Oh, wow.
29:38So...
29:39Anyone know any of his lines?
29:40His famous...
29:41His famous penned romance?
29:42I wept off her bra, but it's on VAR.
29:43LAUGHTER
29:44How did he do it?
29:45This is so good!
29:46This is, uh, during a trial in 2022, jurors at Manchester Crown Court were tormented effectively
30:09that he wrote to his ex-girlfriend, Kate Greville.
30:12Here's one of them.
30:13I'm going to end by saying,
30:15you are my love, my friend, my soul.
30:18Do you want to guess what comes next?
30:19What rhymes with soul?
30:23Back of the net, I've scored a goal.
30:26It's actually, and most of all, you believe in me,
30:29which makes me feel as hard as a totem.
30:32Oh!
30:33Oh!
30:39Does that actually have, like, faces and figures sticking out of it?
30:45In his love poetry, Giggs described his penis
30:48as being as hard as a totem pole,
30:50which presumably means he couldn't bend it like Beckham.
30:55Time now for the missing words round.
30:57We are starting with...
31:02Reveal Fergie stitched inside.
31:05No, no, no, no.
31:06No, no, no, no.
31:07Surprise adds curtains from royal residence
31:09to be turned into Christmas stockings.
31:12Here are the stockings from Sandringham Estates.
31:14The King's curtains were originally white,
31:16but Camilla is clearly allowed to smoke indoors.
31:23Finally, 20-foot-tall naked man what?
31:25Finds out he's not actually invisible.
31:29Surprise is woman looking out a second-floor window.
31:31Says it just looks small cos I'm big.
31:36This is 20-foot-tall naked man terrorising Wigan once again.
31:43This is after being previously banned by the council.
31:47The 20-foot golden statue is back.
31:49Here it is.
31:50The owner of the statue says he's put it back up
31:53to spread some Christmas cheer.
31:55I don't know about the ding, but that dong is merrily on high.
31:59Which means the final scores this week are Ian and Finlay have three.
32:05God!
32:06Paul and Richard have six.
32:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:10But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
32:16Ian and Finlay, you've got this.
32:18Man arrested for breaking into every house in the world.
32:23APPLAUSE
32:25Paul and Richard, you get this one.
32:30I can't help but feel I've wasted my life.
32:33APPLAUSE
32:35On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Finlay Christie,
32:39Paul Merton and the Reverend Richard Coles.
32:41And I leave you with news that at a work dinner, one employee helps a visiting colleague
32:46locate spicy McNuggets on the venue.
32:50LAUGHTER
32:52On the set of the new Harry Potter series, Prince William meets the goblin operator
32:56and one of her gnarled and wizened animatronic creatures.
33:06LAUGHTER
33:09And outside a Moscow underground station, one commuter regrets asking a busker
33:13for stairway to heaven.
33:15LAUGHTER
33:17Good night.
33:18APPLAUSE
33:19The man, the myth, the moustache.
33:32Defrosted and ready for action, Mammoth is back for a new series.
33:35Press red to watch now.
33:37And fresh from his faithful exploits in the castle, listen to Joe Marlowe
33:41will see you now.
33:42A new podcast now on BBC Sounds.
33:44APPLAUSE
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