00:00and runs the light because he can just be like, that guy's a fucking asshole.
00:05Turn it right down. Turn it right down.
00:07So, uh, well, welcome to North Hollywood, everyone.
00:11Thanks for having me here.
00:14This is the capital city of Armenia.
00:21God damn, there's a lot of Armenians in North Hollywood.
00:24I don't think, you know, I think the Armenians really don't get enough credit.
00:27I think people really don't talk about how many millions, billions of Armenians that are in this neighborhood.
00:34I do see, I go to a lot of Armenian events and I do see, what's a nice one, a lot of man-on-man kissing.
00:43Do you see this a lot at the Armenian events?
00:45Because guys will come in to the event and go, hey, chuckle, pat, go, par, char, neck, par, cut, chack, party, cut.
00:52And they're like, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, bro, bro.
00:57And you know, think about it this way.
01:07If there are 75 to 100 men at an Armenian event,
01:11that's like 300 kisses going down between that and them.
01:15So I see that a lot.
01:17But tonight is the Emmys.
01:19I don't know if you guys are aware of that.
01:20I just came from there,
01:23and I noticed that there are a lot of,
01:27and I can't believe this,
01:28the women there are practically naked on a red carpet.
01:34Yes, she's nodding.
01:35And I think it's absolutely disgusting
01:38that they won't give me their phone number.
01:40I just think it's really, really crude.
01:44But you know, my mother, she raised me pretty well.
01:47I try to be a nice guy, a decent guy, have manners.
01:50But when I see a beautiful actress
01:53who's practically naked on the red carpet,
01:55I turn into the Joker.
01:58I just, I just, I, I...
02:00Hello, damn gorgeous.
02:05Why are there so many rules?
02:11Let's go smile on the face of your...
02:13I mean, uh, what's your Instagram?
02:15Keep going.
02:22Keep going.
02:23Keep going.
02:24Keep going.
02:25She just goes, she just, she just...
02:28He's just sitting there going.
02:31And she goes...
02:37Is he gay?
02:38Is he gay?
02:38Is he gay?
02:39Is he gay?
02:41He's going, you better fucker say,
02:43I'll break it.
02:43You better say that I have a big, giant cock on stage tonight.
02:56Is that...
02:57He would say that I'm like, yeah, that's right.
03:00And I'm like, no, she doesn't have a big, giant cock.
03:03All right.
03:07One for me, one for me, one for me.
03:10Um, I do a lot of vertical soap operas.
03:15Do any of you know what these are?
03:16Yes.
03:17I like you nodding.
03:18You watching?
03:19These are very popular in China.
03:21They're becoming more and more popular here.
03:22I've been doing them, uh, since, uh, pretty much since February.
03:27And I often play the same guy, which is like an evil British guy.
03:32Yeah, right?
03:34And, uh, here's the thing.
03:36So, I'm insane.
03:40And, uh, I've decided that if I'm going to do a British accent on the show,
03:45that I should stay British the whole time.
03:47Because in my mind, I think I'm Christian.
03:50I don't know what the fuck I think, but I stay in character all day long.
03:54Right?
03:55And I'm walking around.
03:56Oh, good afternoon.
03:56It's nice to meet you.
03:57Oh, how are you doing?
03:58Blah, blah, blah.
03:58And I do that all day long.
04:01And now, I keep getting hired because they actually think I'm British.
04:06Because these are all Chinese, you know, whatever, producers, directors, executive producers.
04:14And this is not a joke.
04:15The other day, I'm sitting in the kitchen in the, uh, in the location house.
04:19And the, uh, the Asian woman comes up to me.
04:22And she goes, oh, it's a good, I don't know, that's what she said.
04:25I don't know what it is.
04:26You know what, you know what she means by that.
04:28And, uh, I said, I said, would you like it if I did an American accent on one of your shows?
04:33I said, I'm not joking.
04:36I said, would you, would you like it?
04:38And she says, well, why don't you try to do American accent for me now?
04:44And she said, and I said, this is my American accent.
04:48And she goes, oh, at least I'm not the very good one.
04:57Well, it was very nice of Emily to let me come in here tonight.
05:01And I really, I really just kind of called her up.
05:03I said, what's going on?
05:04And she said, please, will you come down and do a few minutes and so forth.
05:06So, I, I do have to go.
05:08But before I go, and I want to say this to you, and I mean this sincerely.
05:14I know many of you are artists.
05:16And I just want you to know to always, always believe in yourself.
05:21And keep going.
05:23Because the truth is, is that your parents can't stand your own children.
05:29Yeah!
05:30That's the truth.
05:32And many of you are in relationships.
05:34You're in relationships.
05:35You're in relationships.
05:36But the truth is, is that she'll probably go fuck someone else.
05:40And that's okay.
05:42That's okay.
05:43It's okay.
05:44It's okay.
05:44Because she gives a rotten blowjob anywhere.
05:46And that's okay.
05:47And she does it on purpose.
05:50You know why?
05:51You know why she does it on purpose?
05:51She basically chews on it.
05:53You know why?
05:53She does it on purpose.
05:55You know why she does it on purpose?
05:56Because dicks are disgusting.
05:58It's the greatest, it's the greatest trick that men have ever come up with.
06:02Trying to convince you that dicks are not disgusting.
06:05They're disgusting.
06:05And that's why she, that's why she, she doesn't say, she doesn't say, she doesn't say, she doesn't say.
06:10It's not on purpose.
06:12And that's okay.
06:13And that's okay.
06:14Because most of you are gay.
06:16And it's okay.
06:17It's not okay that you're gay.
06:19It's okay.
06:20It's all right.
06:21Because they're going to leave.
06:23She's going to leave you.
06:24And that's okay.
06:24Don't be ashamed.
06:25It's all right.
06:26It's fine.
06:27It's okay.
06:28Because, again, realize that stand-up comedy is the final frontier of the first dimension.
06:35That's true. You can applaud that.
06:38And if you're offended by anything that I've said tonight,
06:42then you're probably an asshole.
06:45But that's okay, because it's okay to have opinions
06:49and to have any opinion that you like.
06:52Well, not any opinion that you like, because I'll probably shoot you for that.
06:54But that's not the point.
06:56The point is, is never get too depressed.
06:59Because if you get too depressed as a comedian,
07:01you can't kill yourself because you've got to promise the room
07:04that you'll bring five people.
07:10But honestly, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart,
07:13most of the comics, I've watched all of you,
07:15watched all of your shows tonight,
07:17and I mean this sincerely,
07:19most of you were terrible.
07:26Good night, everybody.
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