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00:00Mum was a pig in muck that day. The sun was out, the cobblers were riding high. Nothing was gonna spoil her day.
00:11Judith!
00:15Nothing.
00:17Hi, Jill!
00:20Nothing.
00:21Morning. Anything for me?
00:23Oh, sod off.
00:24Okay, maybe that would.
00:26Did the cobblers lose on Saturday?
00:27Oh, it'd be Cardiff City 3-2.
00:30You were there. The ref gave us a penalty last minute.
00:33Ah, bless him.
00:34If we won, why am I getting funny looks from everyone?
00:37It's those earmuffs. I've told you not to wear them.
00:40I don't! The muffs fell off. It's more of an Alice band now.
00:44I swear the lollipop lady gave me evils.
00:48Ask public enemy number one.
00:51I just spoke to the cron about being a football manager's wife.
00:55Your dad thinks I said too much.
00:57Oh.
00:58Okay.
00:59I see a lot of envy in the street and that hurts.
01:02I am a person, you know. Cut me. I bleed.
01:06Well, I do.
01:07A friendly way from me brightens up the most mundane of Mondays for me neighbours.
01:14What were you thinking, Mum?
01:16I didn't say that. I said Tuesdays. They're twisting my words.
01:19Newspapers don't lie.
01:21And when it comes to me sons, me Alan's a slave to the prune jewels.
01:25He gets very banged up!
01:26One little comment.
01:27Why are you bringing up me constipation in a froth piece?
01:30It's a good job Alan and Gary don't want to be footballers.
01:33Their wives happen to put up with this every time they open their maths.
01:36My mum was right. I couldn't follow in me dad's footsteps for my wife's sake.
01:47But I was on a different path and in a matter of moments I'd know exactly what path that was.
01:52Jake, what'd you get?
01:58Architect.
01:59Oh, nice.
02:01That's Tom Selleck and Freeman in a bag.
02:03Oi, oi, oi, bum boy.
02:04You're wonderful.
02:05Mum, stick a prune up my arse.
02:07Oh, please, Mummy. It won't come out.
02:13So this was it.
02:15Next two.
02:16Questionnaire completed and a computer had decided our futures.
02:20The job you'd be doing until the day you died.
02:24Chambermaid?
02:26She wanted a career in the sciences.
02:28Oh, she will be working with chemicals.
02:31Jeff, Dementos and Alan.
02:33We all know where this is going.
02:35But will it be comedian, presenter, muse, national treasure?
02:40I can't go to prison.
02:42Would a grammar school pupil get prisoner? Where is the ambition?
02:45No, Kate. Prison Walden.
02:47True.
02:48There it was, in black and white.
02:50Prison Warden.
02:51What a slap in the face.
02:53It's like the hopes and dreams had been put on death row.
02:56You do get a uniform.
02:57I can't wear it at all grey.
02:59Look at me.
03:00I need a pop of colour.
03:02I know I tick working in dolls and meeting interesting people.
03:06But I meant socialites and celebrities.
03:09Not shoplifters and serial killers.
03:11He deserves a second chance.
03:13I'm afraid the computer doesn't lie.
03:15No, love, don't worry about it.
03:17I'll get something worse.
03:18What's worse than that?
03:20Careers advisor.
03:21Come on, Kate, grab your satchel.
03:24I think we've had quite enough.
03:27Shut the door, please.
03:37I'm crossing the picket line here.
03:39Social suicide.
03:40Just checking you're alright.
03:42What with the article.
03:43I know you've had hate mail.
03:45No.
03:46No, I haven't.
03:47It's coming.
03:48Look, I doubt most of them have even read it.
03:50Oh, Christine, there's been a meeting.
03:51I don't want to speak for the whole street,
03:53but the words lady muck were used.
03:56Cow.
03:57Silly cow.
03:58Rude cow.
03:59Any more.
04:00I was all in the minutes.
04:01I did try to defend you.
04:02I said she's not being rude.
04:03She's just a bit thick.
04:04But they got the pitchforks out, I'm afraid.
04:06This is just what happens with success.
04:08People turn on you.
04:09I mean, look at Fergie.
04:11Oh, Christine, that's it.
04:13You've got to do what the royals do.
04:15What, open a supermarket?
04:16No, have a garden party.
04:18They let all the plebs in for the afternoon,
04:20look at their pot plants.
04:21They're no-one minds that they cosy up to dictators
04:22and marry their cousins.
04:24Well, they're not going to come if they hate me that much,
04:25are they?
04:26Christine, they'd go to Saddam Hussein's house
04:27if he was giving them a free burger.
04:29Right.
04:30You think on it, yeah?
04:32Molly from 26.
04:33Oh!
04:34Hi, Molly.
04:35Welcome.
04:36Bye, Diane.
04:37Oh, Diane.
04:38Thanks for coming.
04:39Oh!
04:40Oh, you shouldn't have.
04:41Not good enough, eh?
04:42I'll drink it meself.
04:43Gee.
04:44Strong start.
04:45Well, come to something, if you know you're going to hate it.
04:46I'm not going to watch the couplers every week.
04:47It's true.
04:48Graham?
04:49London.
04:50Door.
04:51Door.
04:52All right.
04:53You're in there.
04:54All right?
04:55That's what I mean.
04:56And it's not going to be true.
04:57Are you in there?
04:58All right, Zoe?
04:59We'll get to them.
05:00Come back, Diane.
05:01Oh.
05:02You OK.
05:03I'm so sorry.
05:04You OK.
05:05Yeah.
05:06It's OK.
05:07Oh.
05:08Hi, Molly.
05:09Welcome.
05:10Been back, Diane.
05:11Oh.
05:12Oh.
05:13Hey, lots of habits.
05:14Look, if you want to invite anyone, you can always use our phone.
05:26Call a friend? Bradley?
05:29Oh, or Jake. Jake, maybe.
05:32Jake only lives 0.7 miles from here.
05:36Why don't you call him?
05:39Mum said she'll give me a fiver if I stay for an hour.
05:42Right.
05:45There you go.
05:48Solid bar.
05:50I'll have a burger, please.
05:55Are you all right, aren't you?
05:58Yeah.
05:59One of those, please.
06:00Ah, burger.
06:03Right.
06:04Over here.
06:06Right there.
06:10Good.
06:11Good.
06:12Did you move my sausages?
06:20No.
06:21All right, lads.
06:22Oh, something smells good.
06:23Oh, I'm Tom.
06:24Oh, all right, Tom.
06:25You all right?
06:26Nigel Hudson.
06:27How you doing?
06:28You all right?
06:29You after a burger?
06:30Oh, no, no, no, no.
06:31I'm on the job.
06:32What's will catch me slacking?
06:33I saw the skip out front.
06:35Best years of my life working on a building site.
06:37Babe magnet, aren't you?
06:38Sitting up there with the legs swinging.
06:39Yeah.
06:40Tell me, Ange.
06:41She wolf was with me.
06:43Right.
06:44And, uh, what do you do now?
06:46Insoles.
06:47Yeah, we're number one supplier in the West Midlands area.
06:50Big demand for insoles, then.
06:52Just a bit, mate.
06:54I mean, look around you.
06:55How many feet are here?
06:56You got, what, 20 old guests?
06:58Two feet each?
06:59It's...
07:04It's a lot of feet.
07:05Yeah.
07:06No, it sure is.
07:07Uh, no.
07:08What about you, Graeme?
07:09What do you do?
07:10Oh, here we go.
07:11Go on here, tell him.
07:13I'm a football manager.
07:15Northampton Town.
07:16Cobblers.
07:17Never.
07:18Really?
07:19Yeah.
07:20Oh, God.
07:21You guys are doing pretty well.
07:22Yeah, yeah, I'm doing all right.
07:23They're really chucking that, don't you, John?
07:26This is my eldest, Alan.
07:28Alan, this is Tom.
07:29He's next door's builder.
07:32Hello, Tom.
07:33You, uh, you're gonna play football like your old man?
07:35Not unless they build a pitch in strange ways.
07:37Oh, his careers advisor says he's gonna be a prison warden.
07:41Oh.
07:42Computers don't know.
07:43Oh, come off it.
07:44Computers can't predict the future.
07:46My wife can.
07:47Mm-hmm.
07:48Yeah, Deb, she...
07:51She can, you know, see things.
07:55And she's right every time.
07:56She knew I needed a root canal months before the dentist.
08:00I'm trying to get her onto you bed.
08:02But she doesn't like to shout about it.
08:04It's true, Dave.
08:05Is he psychic?
08:06What did I just say?
08:07St. Roy.
08:08Who needed a computer when you had a chain-smoking, Cardi-wearing Oracle at your fingertips?
08:18I come bearing gifts.
08:21Well, gift.
08:22Oh.
08:23Oh, I'm your new neighbour, Jess.
08:25Please do help yourself to a wine or a burger.
08:28Chris, look who I just found.
08:30Oh, Ron.
08:31So glad you could make it.
08:32Wouldn't miss this for the world.
08:33Lovely to see you.
08:35Yeah.
08:36It's quite turnout.
08:37Well, it is considering.
08:38Last time I let her near a dictaphone.
08:39Maybe just a quick reading.
08:40Larry, I call on the cob in peace.
08:41Well, Ron, there's nothing to see you.
08:42My job.
08:43It was my future.
08:44I wanted spoilers.
08:45I'd predict that you are going to need a rest after all things.
08:46So, speaking of predictions, if someone had a question about the future, what do you
09:11What do you want to know me?
09:14I haven't really thought about it all up in the moment me
09:17God you really put me on the spot you have Debs
09:21Am I gonna be a prison warden? Why do you want to be? Do you see me swinging around the trunche in course I don't it was a prediction
09:30Well
09:31What else did this?
09:33Psychic say well, no, I wasn't a psychic. It was a Commodore 64
09:37I'm not following you, Alan. I read a thing the other day that a prisoner made a machete out of a toothbrush
09:42Swallowed it all pulled it out and shanked someone Alan
09:46Are you telling me this that computer rubbed me of my future Debs?
09:51I should have some hope no second opinion
09:55Please give me a reading maybe later love just finish me corn on the cob
10:03I can't relax with you working over there whilst we're having all this fun
10:06You sure I can't tempt you to a beer? Oh, don't drink and drill Christine. Well, there might not be any left later
10:11The old streets come
10:14Don't want to get in trouble to bust away all right wouldn't want to upset Jez
10:19Why not you've upset everyone else?
10:21I think you've had enough
10:31I know you've got everyone bending your ear
10:33Just wondering if you see any babies on the horizon
10:37I think that ship's sailed, don't you?
10:39Ship's sailed?
10:39I am yees of that, thank you
10:41No, I mean grandchildren
10:43Oh, right
10:44I've always wanted to be Nanny Henge
10:47But Charlie's a bit of a heartthrob
10:49Mmm, I'm worried he won't settle
10:52Well, I'll, er...
10:54I'll see what comes to me
10:56Would you?
10:57Mm-hmm
10:59You getting anything?
11:00It's not instant
11:03Lovely weather for it
11:05Dry
11:06Yeah
11:08We've had some good times, haven't we?
11:10We'll have plenty more, I'm sure
11:11Seventh in the league
11:18You all right?
11:19I'm not drunk already, are you?
11:21Drunk?
11:22No
11:23Wish I was
11:24Make this a lot easier
11:26Oh, hello
11:31It's funny you say about babies
11:33Cos I can see you with a big belly
11:37A big, round belly
11:40Waddling you are
11:42Around a shop
11:43What?
11:44What?
11:45No depth
11:48Is Nigel the father?
11:51It's not Ron's, is it?
11:53Because there is a frisson
11:54You're not pregnant?
11:55No
11:57Shoving something up your jumper
12:00The, er...
12:01Oh!
12:02Now there's an arm on your shoulder
12:04I don't understand, Debs
12:05Is this sexual?
12:07Oh!
12:08Store detective
12:09Caught in the act
12:11I have stopped all that
12:12I only did it twice for the adrenaline
12:14Packet of 40 denny of tarts and a lip gloss
12:16Oh!
12:17Now there's blue flashing lights
12:19Debs, you are scaring me
12:20Oh, look
12:21I'm sorry, it's just I see what I see
12:23Where's that drink?
12:25Here's me drink
12:26So?
12:27What does she say?
12:28I'm waiting for her to do me
12:29You alright, Ange?
12:31Oh!
12:32You're very pale
12:33She sees it all
12:35Your darkest secrets
12:37I'll come off it
12:38It's only a bit of a laugh
12:39It's not a laugh, Christine
12:40She's got a third eye under that fringe
12:42Sort of gushes out of her
12:45Things you do not want to know
12:47God knows what she said to Geraldine
12:49But she's just thrown her wedding in a bush
12:51Oh!
12:52No, I'd stay clear if I were you
12:54Well clear
12:56But she can't see everything, can she?
12:59Everything
13:01She knows you better than you know yourself
13:04Oh my God!
13:05Graham, I've got something I want to tell you
13:14Okay
13:16Okay
13:25That is work done
13:26Oh, Christine
13:28I couldn't have that beer that you were teasing me with
13:30Jez, aren't you sweet? Letting your builder knock off early
13:35And this shepherd's pie
13:37Beautiful
13:38It's actually Moussaka
13:41Your wife sit the lorages
13:43Hasn't she just?
13:44Uh, Debs
13:45Oh, I'm trying, love, I am
13:47Let's leave it
13:48I think I'll get there, love
13:49Don't worry about the old prison thing
13:51The uniform's growing on me
13:53And who doesn't have a metal detector?
13:55It's no trouble, love
13:56Hey, sirrah, sirrah
13:58Cause I think I'm getting some
13:59Leave it, Debs!
14:04Right, gather round, everyone
14:06After polishing off a caratha wine
14:08Mum was ready to address her subjects
14:11Come on, don't be shy
14:15I wanted to thank you all for coming
14:18It's lovely to see such a big turnout
14:20You might hate me, but you love a free wine
14:26No
14:28No
14:30I'm sorry if my comments in the cron were
14:32Bit much
14:33Bit much
14:34I honestly
14:35Didn't mean to patronise
14:38Talk down
14:39To you
14:40We know what patronise means
14:41I never meant to put me foot in it
14:43Size 6, high insults
14:45I love you all
14:47I do
14:48And if smiling and waving at you is a crime
14:50Well then lock me up
14:51There you go
14:52That's your first customer
14:53I love seeing your little faces light up
14:55In fact, you know what, I'm gonna do this again
15:00I'm gonna do this bi-annually
15:04What's £176?
15:06Now I know that's a lot to you lot
15:08But if it spreads a bit of happiness
15:10Oh, Jesus Christ
15:11Cause I love you
15:13I do
15:15And I love my boys
15:16Get up here boys
15:17Where's my Alan?
15:18Eat
15:19Drink
15:20And be merry
15:21I'm getting something
15:22There you go
15:23Showtime
15:24She does this one
15:25It's the big one, okay
15:26But she can't get a signal through the wall
15:28Erm, no
15:29Actually, I had
15:30It's ever so clear this one
15:32Should we do this inside?
15:33I can see
15:34Oh, you're knackered, Debs
15:35You don't know what you're saying
15:36I was saying
15:37Clapping
15:39People clapping
15:40Hundreds of them
15:41Go on
15:42And one of those mirrors
15:43With the little light bulbs all around it
15:46Oh
15:48His little face
15:50Glowing
15:52Oh
15:53And there's a camera
15:54I knew him, Mum
15:55This is the future
15:57Go on, Debs
15:58I'm gonna be famous
16:00Not you
16:02Him
16:04Gary?
16:05Gary?
16:06Me
16:07King
16:08Oh, I knew she had it in her
16:09This is not fair
16:10He's to be in prison
16:11Has to be the one on stage
16:15Memory
16:17All alone in the moonlight
16:21I can smile at the old days
16:25Alan, Alan, Alan
16:26Shhh
16:27People are eating, love
16:28Get off that
16:29You'll break it
16:31Look
16:32I see what I see
16:33Yeah, we'll try seeing something else
16:35Did you hear her?
16:36Little star
16:37God, the papers have been knocking again
16:39There's more
16:40Don't pack it in now, Debs
16:41You've had your fun
16:42Someone
16:44Is moving on
16:45She's opened the floodgates now
16:47Come on, Debs
16:49Someone
16:51Is leaving
16:52Oh
16:53I've got to go and feed the cat
16:55They're coming out
16:58Of something difficult
16:59Oh, they've paid too great a price
17:01Good, oh my hairs are standing up
17:03A secret
17:05Burns inside of them
17:09Wayne
17:10I've got to tell you
17:11I've got to tell you
17:12Before Nostradamus does
17:13Erm
17:14I'm leaving the club
17:16No, it's gone
17:17Sorry
17:20There's no more cash
17:22I've run out
17:24I can't take you any further
17:26Oh, oh, Graham
17:28Grab the kitchen roll
17:32Everybody's talking at me
17:36What's this?
17:37What's this?
17:38What's this?
17:39I don't feel worthy of saying
17:43Hey, love
17:44Have hot dog
17:45They'll only go in the bin
17:46We can't help it
17:50We're just destined for greatness
17:51This family
17:53I'm not
17:55Oh, Alan, since when have you listened to your teachers?
17:58I can't be a prison warden
18:00Of course you can't
18:01You get claustrophobic putting on a roll neck
18:04I just thought that the future would be better than
18:09Now
18:11Oh, Alan
18:12We'll have a brilliant future
18:15But
18:16You don't need all the answers now, do you?
18:19It's part of the fun
18:21Finding your way
18:22Working it all out
18:23I have to find my way out of Broadmoor first
18:26They are coming up with new jobs all the time
18:28You could be a robot or something
18:31Look
18:32I can't tell the future like Debs
18:35But I know you'll have a job you'll be proud of
18:38And whatever it is, I'll be telling everyone I meet
18:42That's my son
18:44Really?
18:45Because you were pretty quiet when I was shrink-wrapping dog food on that industrial estate
18:49Thanks, Mum
18:51I needed to wear that
18:53As Doris Day would say
18:55Okay, sarah, sarah
18:57Check this one out
18:58So, two nuns in a bath
19:00And one says, where's the sign?
19:02Second nun says...
19:04I tried everything
19:06I really did
19:08Got so many corners
19:10I even mowed the pitch myself for the last six months
19:13You should have said something
19:15I didn't want you worrying
19:16Oh, well, I'm bloody worrying now
19:19Well, don't
19:21You are flying, Graham
19:22That's not down to me
19:23It's down to us
19:25And we did it together
19:28Graham
19:32Working with you has been the honour of my life
19:35I'll come off it
19:37You have been more of a brother to me
19:39And me own sister
19:41But that gypsy woman was right
19:44It's time for me to go, so
19:47I'm gonna stand up
19:51And walk through those
19:54Aluminium sliding doors
19:57No, please
19:59Don't
20:01I've never been any good at goodbyes
20:05Fancy Masaka on?
20:07Oh, that'll be lovely
20:09Hm
20:16Dad?
20:17Yeah?
20:18How long's Ron staying?
20:19Because I want to watch Brookside
20:23Not long
20:29Lock up, will you?
20:35I hear the train a-comin'
20:38It's rollin' round the fence
20:40And I ain't seen the sunshine such
20:43I don't know what to say
20:44I'm stuck in force with
20:47And time keeps draggin' on
20:50Quiet down
20:55Lights out
20:57The summer of 89
20:59And it was horribly close on the close
21:02As temperature soared to a record high
21:05Alan, you're gonna have to stop doing that
21:06You're gonna defrost me mints
21:07Don't let me go in
21:08They won't even let you take your tie off
21:09It's inhumane
21:11Gary!
21:13A few days into our hosepipe ban
21:15And we were as frazzled as our lawns
21:17Why am I wearing a coat?
21:19Gonna be 89 today!
21:20The calves didn't do well in the heat
21:22Gonna be 89 today!
21:23This is too much
21:25We need to evacuate
21:26Send me to the coast
21:28Charlie's cool as a cucumber
21:29It's in the blood, innit?
21:31We're a 16th Mediterranean
21:32Mediterranean, yeah
21:33You've told us
21:35Bit hot for that, isn't it?
21:36Ooh!
21:37Thirsty white man
21:39Nothing a cool lemonade won't sort
21:41That builder's taking a mick, ain't he?
21:43Aye, oh, you know full well we're being talked about
21:46Bag his kiss
21:48Come here
21:50Oh, what's that?
21:51Give a seat
21:54You've defrosted me peas
21:55He's got sweet cone round the back
21:57You're not having my sweet cone
21:59Why am I still in this coat?
22:01This is ungodly
22:03I'll be quite sure
22:04All of the windows are open
22:06Yes? Really?
22:08Don't worry, it's safe
22:09It barely opens an inch
22:11I think it's so we don't fall out
22:13Little little
22:14She'll be falling out of everything at your age
22:16Trees, nightclubs, aeroplanes
22:19For a woman who'd once snapped Julian Lloyd Webber's cello in half
22:22Miss Gideon looked unusually vulnerable
22:25We have a very special guest with us here today
22:28She's a published author
22:29She's written three books
22:31Most recently
22:32Jagged Rocks
22:34Yes, which has sold various copies worldwide
22:36And she's launching a short story competition
22:40With a £10 Woolworth voucher
22:43Up for grabs
22:45So, welcome to be here
22:47My dear, dear friend
22:49Madeleine Whitwell
22:53I hope we're all readers here
22:55Thou des
22:57Good, that's how it starts
22:59To write, you have got to read
23:01I've been reading since I was one
23:03I could read before I could walk
23:06School was awful for me
23:08I had one friend
23:10And she was a hamster
23:12Books have been my refuge
23:14My joy
23:16A place to escape
23:18I felt like that author was talking directly to me
23:21But then her voice was so booming
23:22It also felt like she was talking to Arthur Ketrin and Galby
23:26Books have been good to me and I have been good to books
23:30My God, it is hot in here
23:32Dadlin
23:35Oh my God
23:38I loved to read, hated school and I only had one friend
23:42This was my calling
23:43What did we do when this happened?
23:44I was going to be a writer
23:46You know, sometimes the right person comes along at just the right time and gives you a good old...
23:51Hey, hey!
23:53Give him a rest, Grace
23:5589 degrees, innit?
23:57Yeah, this is a pitch
23:59Nick, this is a pitch
24:01I want a picture
24:03I want a memento of this moment
24:04The moment
24:05The moment
24:06That I, Nick Chalmers
24:07Single-handedly saved the cobblers
24:09100% success rate
24:11Satisfaction guaranteed
24:12Or your money back
24:14Right, can we do it later?
24:15You know, we're in the middle of training
24:19I bought them
24:21I'm the chairman
24:23I want to ickle picky with them, don't I?
24:25Yep
24:26It's a new era
24:27Nick's on the ball
24:29Get in!
24:30Get that for us, son
24:31Really?
24:32Really?
24:33What are you wearing a jumper for?
24:34You donut
24:35Go on, off you go
24:36Right, come on boys in front of the goal
24:37Get in
24:38Quick, quick, quick
24:39Wipe your nose
24:41Right, come on Grey, you and me at the front
24:43Ron used to stand to the side at the back
24:45He also used to wazz your money up a wall
24:47So forgive me if I don't follow suit
24:49Come on, you and me in the front
24:51Get up
24:52What are you doing?
24:53We're not a communion
24:54Grey, come on
24:55Big smiles
24:57Bit of that
24:59Big smiles
25:00Come on Grey, cheer up
25:01You miserable git
25:02Smile
25:04Everyone have fun
25:05Say cobblers
25:07Cobblers
25:08Louder than that
25:09What's wrong with you?
25:10Cobblers
25:11Cobblers
25:12Yay!
25:13The crumbling rock
25:14Crumbling
25:15Hit the consonant
25:17The crumbling rock
25:20The dewy must
25:21Feel the dew
25:23You...
25:24Yeah, I am
25:30Crustaceans clinging like a baby to the nipple
25:35I hope you would be here without the nipple
25:37Hey Alan, let's stop there
25:38Erm, that's enough for now
25:40I think Madeleine needs to rest
25:42No I don't
25:43I'll read it
25:44I'll read it
25:45I'll read it
25:46I'll read it
25:50He's elegant, isn't he?
25:52Like a gazelle
25:54Oh
25:55Jake
25:57You see?
25:58I've really noticed
26:02A writing competition
26:03With my imagination
26:05I could definitely do this
26:08Oh!
26:09I can't do this
26:10It's too hot to do anything
26:11Just lie down
26:12They say write what you know
26:13That's alright for Jackie Collins
26:14She lived in Monte Carlo
26:15What am I going to write about?
26:16What?
26:17The growth in the centre and gary?
26:19Don't knock it till you've tried it
26:20I'm going on a walk
26:22I need inspiration
26:24Oh!
26:25Stop!
26:27Even though Ange had a bad garden
26:29She preferred to burn in public
26:36Er, Ange?
26:37What's Charlie writing about?
26:39He's trying to fry an egg on the windowsill at the minute, Alan
26:41We got a short story competition
26:43Has he mentioned it?
26:44He hasn't?
26:45No
26:46I'm struggling to be honest
26:48Still trying to find me muse
26:51Alan, that's very sweet
26:53But I'm a bit busy at the minute
26:54Er
26:55Can't believe it!
26:56Someone's got the sprinkler on
26:57There is a home pipe bag
27:02Got the sprinkler on?
27:03What?
27:04I followed the sound, Christine
27:05It's coming from here
27:06No, we haven't got a sprinkler
27:07Don't lie to me
27:08I've seen you alone
27:09Nigel, I'm telling you
27:10We do not have a sprinkler
27:11Well, someone has
27:13Where's Graham?
27:14He's at work
27:15Nigel, do your breathing
27:16Alright?
27:17Wait!
27:18Listen!
27:19I can hear it!
27:28It's Jean's house
27:29Jean's in respite care
27:30Oh, she will be in a minute
27:32Jean!
27:33Sorry about him
27:34He gets a bit in the heat
27:35You know
27:36We think it's glandular
27:37Yeah
27:38He was up 3am last night
27:39Thinking he was flying a spitfire
27:40Kept trying to find the ejector seat
27:42And look at me
27:43I haven't even asked
27:44How your prickly heat is
27:45I don't have prickly heat
27:46You poor bugger
27:47I saw you from across the road
27:48The other day
27:49Legs like pepperamies
27:50Is it so?
27:51Not as sore as that's gonna be
27:52PHONE RINGS
27:56So, to inspire those short story characters
27:58Look across at the person opposite
28:01And feel them with your eyes
28:05Let your gaze caress their hair, their cheekbones
28:09Describe them poetically
28:12Bathe in metaphors and similes
28:21Shall I start?
28:23With your eyes
28:29They're like opals
28:31Opal gemstones, not opal fruits
28:35Or a lake
28:37With sunlight bouncing off the surface
28:41Off set with your mesmerising mood
28:43Ring on your pinky
28:46Oh, thanks but it's a signet ring
28:49And your hair is brown, isn't it?
28:52Basic brown, so that's finished
28:54Oh, mate, I've got to do yours now
28:55Jake was gonna describe me
28:57I wonder if he'd mention my shapely legs
29:00It was supposed to be in PE ten minutes ago
29:02Excuse me!
29:04Do you mind?
29:05It's supposed to be up and out
29:06Not sat here like rotting and veg
29:08They cannot go outside in this heat
29:10Yeah, I can't play rounders today
29:12You can't play rounders any day, you crap
29:14I had merely tweaked the schedule for the good of their health
29:18Oh, you just want a captive audience
29:20Because you can't get an acting job
29:22Et tu, bruté
29:24That's Shakespeare
29:26Get your sport out of my classroom
29:29What are you gonna do about it, little lady?
29:32No, she is little
29:34She is fierce
29:36Shakespeare again
29:37Oh, is she now?
29:38Yes
29:39She is
29:40Is she?
29:41She is
29:42I am
29:44Right
29:52Right
29:53Anybody who wants two rounders, follow me
29:55What about my eyes?
29:58It shouldn't be allowed to just yank a pupil out in the middle of an exercise
30:02Awful man
30:03Are you all right, miss?
30:05Please Alan
30:06I need to remember this
30:07Without your voice
30:08Without your voice
30:09Oh God
30:12Have you thought what you are going to write about it?
30:17I don't know, probably the war?
30:19No way
30:20Yeah, me too
30:21Yeah
30:22Mmm
30:23What what?
30:24They all blend together after a while, don't they?
30:25So what drew you to war?
30:26I don't know, it's just interesting, isn't it?
30:27Politics and that, all the country
30:28Oh God, yeah
30:29It's like being in Eurovision
30:30Two boom banger bangs over Dresden
30:32I think I am going to focus more on the
30:34On the relationship between the people
30:36And the people
30:37And the people
30:38And the people
30:39And the people
30:40And the people
30:41And the people
30:42And the people
30:43And the people
30:44And the people
30:45And the people
30:46And the people
30:47And the people
30:48The relationship
30:49Between the soldiers
30:50The buzz of the trench
30:51Yeah, yeah
30:52Sounds good
30:54Oh
30:55We should probably do some research
30:57So, why don't we meet up one lunch time?
30:59Go to the library?
31:00Cool
31:01Yeah
31:02Oh, that's my boss
31:03See you all right then
31:04Yeah, bye
31:05War
31:06What was it good for?
31:08Absolutely everything
31:10Of all the nice things you could write about
31:12Why have you chosen the war?
31:14There were nice moments in the war
31:16The camaraderie
31:17Singing
31:18We'll meet again around the old Johanna
31:20My story
31:22Is about two soldiers
31:24Their wives
31:25Dead
31:26Oh, both of them?
31:28Mmm
31:29But it's campaigning Kettering
31:31It's normally the soldiers who die, isn't it?
31:32Why have you killed off the wives?
31:34I'm playing with the foam
31:36Picture this
31:38It's late at night
31:40They're trying to sleep
31:45Well, they can't because of all
31:47Maybe they're showing each other photographs of their wives
31:49Little black and white ones
31:50Why are you so obsessed with the wives?
31:55A visit from the muse
31:57I've got something in this jiffy bag, Ellen
31:59That's going to get your juices flowing
32:01About it?
32:02Is your mum in?
32:03Yeah
32:04Yeah
32:05That's a shame
32:06You're in your pharmacy, aren't you?
32:07Yeah
32:08You know, there's a hope quite bad
32:09Yeah, you should be doing it
32:10It's illegal
32:11Why can't you and I come?
32:12No, wait
32:13No, seriously
32:14Give it back
32:15What are you doing?
32:16You should be doing it
32:17It's illegal
32:18I feel like it's a hope quite bad
32:19I'm going to be sleeping
32:20Give me that
32:23What is this?
32:27It's hard for your ride
32:29It's a good job
32:30It's a good job
32:31Not a loop
32:32It's a good job
32:33It's a good job
32:34Hey, hey
32:35Room for another Kalippo in there
32:39Right, badge up
32:40Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
32:41Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
32:43You always have my bar
32:44Who's the lads?
32:45Uh, no, no, it's, uh, it's the heat.
32:51I'm going to get up.
32:52I know you're gutted that your little mates run off and left you in the lurch, and I feel for you.
32:59I really do, but I hope you'll come to think of this, me, as an opportunity.
33:05You know, 20 years of running around, getting a ball smacked in your face will make you thick.
33:10That's just science.
33:13And I know you're very good at the kick it there.
33:15Kick it in the goal there, crap.
33:18But you ain't a businessman.
33:19You need a thinker.
33:21Someone with a bit of nous.
33:22Well, you know, you've got plenty of that.
33:24Yes, I do.
33:25I'm going to make changes, Grey.
33:27Big changes.
33:29The cavalry is here.
33:33Well, uh, excuse me, I've got work to do.
33:37Thank you, Daxby.
33:41Lean as a whistle.
33:42Great.
33:44We should have all our meetings in here.
33:47I like it.
33:49Hop in the city.
33:51Hop in the city tonight.
33:55Hop in the city tonight.
33:56Oh, of course you're having a bath.
33:58It's two inches of water, Ange.
33:59The rest of us are making do with a wet wipe under each armpit, but you, yeah, you fill your boots.
34:03I bought you these over.
34:05Oh.
34:06Because I know your parents don't read.
34:08I do read.
34:09I did a book club.
34:10I suggested a book.
34:1115-minute meals, Christine.
34:13Pasta bake is not a plot.
34:15You want a love story, you will not get better than those.
34:18200 of them.
34:19The passion on those pages.
34:22It compares me to a ripe nectarine in one of them.
34:24Oh, I love a ripe nectarine.
34:26Everyone does.
34:27That's his point.
34:29I'm trying to stay strong in here, but it's getting...
34:32Who, Daryl?
34:33Daryl?
34:34Daryl was a poet.
34:36Bellmarsh?
34:37A poet and a burglar.
34:38You've got a prison pen pal.
34:40Bloody hell, Ange.
34:41Long time ago.
34:42He's out now, working in Timpsons.
34:44Ange, what's this?
34:46Oh, God.
34:47We were beyond words by the end.
34:49Hmm.
34:51Did Dad ever write your love letters, Mum?
34:53No.
34:53No, we're not...
34:55No, I don't need letters.
34:58It's your actions, innit?
34:59He shows me.
35:00How?
35:01How does he show you?
35:03Lots of ways.
35:04Hmm.
35:05He, um...
35:06He, uh...
35:08He...
35:09It's the little things, isn't it?
35:12Cleared loft out for me the other day.
35:15Nigel cuts my, uh...
35:17my toast into little hearts.
35:19Aww.
35:19That's weighs quite a lot of bread.
35:21It's like George.
35:22He's a romantic.
35:22He's one of the soldiers in the story.
35:24He's set in a trench.
35:25Oh, I love a trench.
35:26He's a quiet type.
35:28Very stoic.
35:30Elegant.
35:32Like a gazelle.
35:33Quick on his feet.
35:34Sees me weeping.
35:36Mickey!
35:37He sees Mickey weeping.
35:39It's how the Germans pronounce Mickey.
35:41He's another soldier in the story.
35:44Yeah.
35:45Mickey is crying because he's coming over the top.
35:48Here's a surprise.
35:49Fun fact.
35:51You know, trenches were never dug in a straight line.
35:53It's like love.
35:55Because love is a winding road.
35:58He's very good, isn't he?
36:00I mean, his dad's a bit of a robot, but he's...
36:02He's got something.
36:04Here, why don't you show those letters to Graham?
36:07Get his juices flowing.
36:08Hello, hello.
36:21All right?
36:23Right.
36:24Do I, er, not get a greeting?
36:27For God's sake, what do you want?
36:28A curtsy?
36:29No, no, it's just, you know...
36:31Oh!
36:33Can I not have a minute to meself?
36:35Come in the door and you're already starting.
36:37I'm not starting, I'm...
36:39What have I done?
36:41I think it's because you never write a love letters.
36:44What?
36:45Or cut a toast into hearts.
36:47You should do something romantic.
36:50Right, can we...
36:51Can we not?
36:52You know, I've had a bit of a day.
36:54I'm only trying to give you an heads up.
36:56Mano to mano.
36:58What's for tea?
36:59Cheese and salad cream sandwich.
37:02It's too hot.
37:03You could make dinner.
37:05You've got to keep the fires burning, Dad.
37:09We'd both been inspired.
37:11Dad had to whip up a feast.
37:13I had to whip up a plot.
37:15It all made sense to me now.
37:18Write what you know.
37:19When do you know what you know what you're trying to do with?
37:42Oof!
37:42I've gotta keep the f many times, you know what you want.
37:45Garnish.
37:56Are you going to get yours, then?
37:58No. I haven't got the energy to make another one.
38:04So, what are you going to buy with the Wills?
38:07What? Oh, I don't know.
38:11I'm not really in it for the Wally's voucher.
38:13The writing is its own reward.
38:14No, it's not. It's like pulling teeth.
38:18I think I'm going to get a Mr Frosty.
38:20Good morning, Eastern Lovell.
38:24Quiet!
38:26So, Mrs Wilwald?
38:28What?
38:30What?
38:31Well, Paul has read all your entries
38:37and she said that the standard is incredibly high
38:40and there can only be one winner
38:43and this entry was deeply moving
38:46with a real relish of language
38:48and a precocious narrative confidence.
38:51So, let's announce the winner.
38:54Could...
38:56Oh.
38:57Alan Carr, please come up.
38:59Yes!
39:00Oh, but...
39:01It's a bit.
39:02So, this was it.
39:05This was the beginning.
39:07Watch and weep, Eastern Lovell.
39:09Today, a Wally's voucher.
39:10Tomorrow, the booker.
39:11So, the process was excruciating.
39:14So what?
39:15You had to suffer for your art
39:16and I, Alan Carr, was an artist!
39:20Shh!
39:21Well done, Alan.
39:22Now, Miss Gideon will read an extract.
39:24Miss Gideon.
39:25Clever boy.
39:26Open Arms by Alan Graham Carr.
39:32George's long, live neck
39:34stuck high above the parapet,
39:38a gazelle in the firing line,
39:40his tousled auburn curls
39:42adding an extra inch or two to his height,
39:46forming a kind of halo
39:48which seemed to illuminate his face
39:51in the brutal dark...
39:52George thrashed into the sea,
39:53his muscular arms parting the water
39:56like Moses in fatigues
39:58as Miki's head
40:00slipped below the surface.
40:03That's like you and Jake in the pool.
40:05What?
40:05Now it's...
40:05George lunged through the surf,
40:08Miki's body bucked,
40:10his nostril not only flared with war
40:13but with chlorine.
40:15Chlorine?
40:16You think don't hurt?
40:17No, what I write about Jake is fiction.
40:20Reality creeps in.
40:21Nothing creeps in.
40:23As Miki's lungs
40:24filled with water,
40:27George's opal eyes
40:28came into focus
40:29beneath the waves.
40:31Eyes
40:32blue as the ocean.
40:35The mood ring
40:36on his outstretched pinky
40:38seemed to be mesmerising.
40:41Right, okay,
40:41I think that's enough.
40:43We all need to be getting to class,
40:44don't we?
40:45What?
40:46Oh, God.
40:48He surrendered his body
40:50to George.
40:51Is this the miracle?
40:53Miki needed...
40:54as a hero.
41:03But it wasn't.
41:06He was dead.
41:08He had...
41:09He had died.
41:12Er...
41:12He drowned.
41:14Gosh, so sad.
41:16But poor Miki,
41:17that's...
41:17that's, um...
41:18So, yes,
41:19that's the...
41:20the end.
41:20The end!
41:22She'd stopped the world
41:22from knowing I was gay
41:24and took that secret to her grave.
41:26Love you, Jackie.
41:27That's a joke, man.
41:28Mine was way better than that.
41:29Oi!
41:30Zip it!
41:30Zip it!
41:32Well done, Alan.
41:33You surprised us all now.
41:35Off you go, then.
41:35I couldn't see meself
41:39slaving over a hot biro,
41:41scraping a living as an author.
41:43I was a talker,
41:44a raconteur,
41:46a chatty man.
41:47But who was gonna pay me
41:48to do that job?
41:50Take me down to the fairway
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