- 2 days ago
Down Among the Z Men is a 1952 black-and-white British comedy film directed by Maclean Rogers and starring the Goons: Spike Milligan, Peter Sellers, Michael Bentine and Harry Secombe.
The movie was filmed early in the Goons' career before many of the show's recurring characters were created, and the stars only play one character each: Eccles (Milligan), Colonel Bloodnok (Sellers), Osric Pureheart (Bentine) and Harry Jones (Secombe).
Plot: Harry Jones is a clerk in Mr Crab's general mercantile store and an amateur actor in community theatre, where he is currently playing a Scotland Yard inspector, "Batts of the Yard". When the absentminded Professor Osrick Pureheart leaves a secret military formula in the store, mayhem ensues as two suspicious secret agents (actually enemy spies), who have been shadowing the professor, question Harry regarding the professor, none of them realising that Harry now has the formula in his possession.
Convinced by the two spies to follow the professor, Harry goes to an Army post, Camp Warwell, where he is mistakenly enlisted in the Z Men, ostensibly an elite unit guarding atomic secrets but in reality a ragtag group of reservists, retreads, and others of marginal (at best) competence. The spies kidnap an adjutant newly assigned to the camp and one of them then impersonates him to gain entry to Camp Warwell.
The post's commander, Colonel Bloodnok, has been assigned for security purposes a supposed "daughter" who is actually a female MI5 operative. Harry soon becomes smitten with the "daughter", and they work together to foil an attempt by the secret agents to purloin Pureheart's formula.
National Service in Britain in the 1950s obliged all fit British men to serve in the military for two years, and thereafter three and a half years in the reserves. "Category Z" was one of the classes of reserve organisation. During the Korean War there was much apprehension that, in order to supply enough troops, the government might remobilize "Z-men" who had been released after their two years in uniform.
As the letter "Z" is pronounced as "Zed" in Received Pronunciation, the title is also a pun on a traditional drinking song, "Down Among the Dead Men".
Credits:
Harry Secombe as Harry Jones
Michael Bentine as Prof. Osrick Pureheart
Spike Milligan as Pte. Eccles
Peter Sellers as Colonel Bloodnok
Carole Carr as Carole Gayley
The Television Toppers as dancers
Clifford Stanton as Stanton
Robert Cawdron as Sergeant Bullshine
Andrew Timothy as Captain Evans
Graham Stark as Spider
Russ Allen as Brigadier's ADC
Elizabeth Kearns as girl in shop
Miriam Karlin as woman in shop
Sidney Vivian as landlord
Eunice Gayson as officer's wife
The movie was filmed early in the Goons' career before many of the show's recurring characters were created, and the stars only play one character each: Eccles (Milligan), Colonel Bloodnok (Sellers), Osric Pureheart (Bentine) and Harry Jones (Secombe).
Plot: Harry Jones is a clerk in Mr Crab's general mercantile store and an amateur actor in community theatre, where he is currently playing a Scotland Yard inspector, "Batts of the Yard". When the absentminded Professor Osrick Pureheart leaves a secret military formula in the store, mayhem ensues as two suspicious secret agents (actually enemy spies), who have been shadowing the professor, question Harry regarding the professor, none of them realising that Harry now has the formula in his possession.
Convinced by the two spies to follow the professor, Harry goes to an Army post, Camp Warwell, where he is mistakenly enlisted in the Z Men, ostensibly an elite unit guarding atomic secrets but in reality a ragtag group of reservists, retreads, and others of marginal (at best) competence. The spies kidnap an adjutant newly assigned to the camp and one of them then impersonates him to gain entry to Camp Warwell.
The post's commander, Colonel Bloodnok, has been assigned for security purposes a supposed "daughter" who is actually a female MI5 operative. Harry soon becomes smitten with the "daughter", and they work together to foil an attempt by the secret agents to purloin Pureheart's formula.
National Service in Britain in the 1950s obliged all fit British men to serve in the military for two years, and thereafter three and a half years in the reserves. "Category Z" was one of the classes of reserve organisation. During the Korean War there was much apprehension that, in order to supply enough troops, the government might remobilize "Z-men" who had been released after their two years in uniform.
As the letter "Z" is pronounced as "Zed" in Received Pronunciation, the title is also a pun on a traditional drinking song, "Down Among the Dead Men".
Credits:
Harry Secombe as Harry Jones
Michael Bentine as Prof. Osrick Pureheart
Spike Milligan as Pte. Eccles
Peter Sellers as Colonel Bloodnok
Carole Carr as Carole Gayley
The Television Toppers as dancers
Clifford Stanton as Stanton
Robert Cawdron as Sergeant Bullshine
Andrew Timothy as Captain Evans
Graham Stark as Spider
Russ Allen as Brigadier's ADC
Elizabeth Kearns as girl in shop
Miriam Karlin as woman in shop
Sidney Vivian as landlord
Eunice Gayson as officer's wife
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Hello there!
00:00:27My name is Harry Segoof and I play the part of Harry Jones, Gross' assistant and amateur detective.
00:00:32And I'm part of the trailer of...
00:00:33Ah, I'd like to mention it.
00:00:34I play the part of Professor Osric...
00:00:36Oh, dear, I forgot the name.
00:00:38Anyway, I'm a scientist who's just invented the bicarbonate bomb.
00:00:42And then, of course, there's...
00:00:43Spike Mulligan and Spike Rickles.
00:00:46And I just play...
00:00:47Not in working hours, you don't buy thunder.
00:00:49Not as long as my name's Peter Sellers' Colonel Blooddock.
00:00:52Anyway, who would you play with?
00:00:54Carol Carr, an MI5 girl, also hot on the trail.
00:00:57I hope she's not on my trail, because we're all...
00:01:00Down, down, down...
00:01:03Down...
00:01:04Down the mountains and then they will lie.
00:01:09Down...
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00:01:36I want a...
00:02:05Hats?
00:02:06Oh, hats, madam, yes.
00:02:07In our ladies' fashion and ironmongery department.
00:02:11Come this way, madam, please.
00:02:13Mr. Jones, forward.
00:02:15Mr. Jones.
00:02:16Mr. Jones, forward, please.
00:02:19Right.
00:02:22Stir these two ladies and drop everything else.
00:02:24Yes, ma'am.
00:02:25Oh!
00:02:26Well, well.
00:02:28Tell me, sorry, I...
00:02:30Oh!
00:02:31Ah!
00:02:32There you are.
00:02:33What's your pleasure?
00:02:34Mommy.
00:02:35I'll just get some of the boxes out the way first.
00:02:44Oh!
00:02:45Oh, Mr. Grabber.
00:02:49What can I do for you, madam?
00:02:50I think this young lady is ahead of me.
00:02:52Way ahead.
00:02:53Have you anything that would renovate an old bag?
00:02:56She's too far gone for that.
00:02:57Your mother?
00:02:58Oh, no.
00:02:59Now I'm in a Gladstone bag.
00:03:00Gladstone?
00:03:01She's old enough to have been to Israelis.
00:03:03How dare you?
00:03:04Stop this, poppycock.
00:03:05Sorry, cock.
00:03:06Don't go away, please.
00:03:07Young man, I want a hat.
00:03:08I know as you want.
00:03:09Well, what do I want?
00:03:10You want a hat?
00:03:11Follow this way, please.
00:03:14How about this woman here, eh?
00:03:15All right.
00:03:16Very sorry.
00:03:17Very nice.
00:03:18Gainsborough girl.
00:03:21Direct from Paris.
00:03:22Oh, and it can go back to Paris.
00:03:24Help.
00:03:25Please, ma'am.
00:03:26Don't go away, please.
00:03:27But, madam, one moment, please, I'm sure.
00:03:29Madam!
00:03:30Fashion.
00:03:31It's still Tuesday.
00:03:37I hope you don't want a hat.
00:03:39No, thank you.
00:03:40But could I try on that bathing costume in the window?
00:03:43In the window?
00:03:44No, you'll have to use the fitting room like all the other girls.
00:03:47The police, you know.
00:03:49Talking of the police.
00:03:51I thought you were awfully good in the play.
00:03:53Is you really?
00:03:54Yeah.
00:03:55The Black Masquerader.
00:03:56I think it's quite the best show the Amateur Dramatic Society has put on.
00:04:00Well, the West Battering District bugle and observer were very kind to us, really.
00:04:03I've got it here.
00:04:04Look, it says, it says, I know it by heart, it says,
00:04:06Harry Jones was bats of the art of the life.
00:04:08He played the part as though he were really a detective.
00:04:11I've got my picture in, too, look.
00:04:13Bats of the yard.
00:04:15Yeah, what's the matter with you?
00:04:17You're shaking like a leaf.
00:04:18Any mention of the police puts the wind up me.
00:04:20Oh, fine Secret Service agent, you are.
00:04:23Now, listen.
00:04:24All this on, we've got to find this professor,
00:04:26wait till he's finished his formula, pinch it, then bump him off.
00:04:29I know that, but why bring us to this dump?
00:04:32Well, because Professor Pureheart...
00:04:33Who?
00:04:34Pureheart, bloke with a black bushy beard.
00:04:37He's camping around here somewhere.
00:04:38That's why we're here.
00:04:39Which field?
00:04:40How should I know?
00:04:41That's what we're here to find out.
00:04:43Here.
00:04:44Let's ask of him one of those shops up there.
00:04:46You never know.
00:04:47He might have been in for provisions or something.
00:04:49Come on.
00:04:50I guess I really live my parts.
00:04:52Mm-hmm.
00:04:53You know, I think I am by nature a detective.
00:04:55Yeah.
00:04:56You remember that scene where I tackled a spy in Act Three?
00:04:58Oh, yes.
00:04:59I really go for him, you know.
00:05:00Oh!
00:05:01Provision counter.
00:05:02Back among the cheese where you belong.
00:05:03I'll attend to this lady.
00:05:06Now, madam.
00:05:07Well, if you have a nice dress length, something summery.
00:05:10Yes.
00:05:11Yes.
00:05:12Yes, of course, madam.
00:05:13We have one or two rather attractive pieces here.
00:05:15Was there any particular, can't we?
00:05:17Oh, something like that.
00:05:19Yes, indeed.
00:05:21I think you'll find one or two of these most soon.
00:05:24A little bit faster than that.
00:05:26I would expect a great deal more later than that.
00:05:29But the ladies are so uncertain.
00:05:34Now, madam.
00:05:35This is our most attractive.
00:05:37A good linen finish, you'll notice.
00:05:39When I get one, what can I do for you?
00:05:42I've got a nice line in sweets, a nice line in pies,
00:05:44a nice line in bacon, a nice line in cigarettes.
00:05:45You've got a nice line in talk.
00:05:47All we want is some information.
00:05:49Information?
00:05:50Oh, well, here's a local paper.
00:05:52That's me on the front page.
00:05:54So you're bats of the yard.
00:05:56That's right.
00:05:57Just one of the local boys, eh?
00:05:59Local?
00:06:00I'm homegrown.
00:06:01Yeah.
00:06:02Now, look.
00:06:03We want to know if you've seen a black-bearded gentleman.
00:06:06He's a funny sort of cove, sort of a scientist.
00:06:09He hasn't been in here by any chance, has he?
00:06:12You mean he's a crook?
00:06:13Like, like, like, like the black masquerader?
00:06:16No, no, no.
00:06:17Yes.
00:06:18Yes, that's it.
00:06:20And we've got to get hold of him.
00:06:22I know who you are.
00:06:23What?
00:06:24You're a couple of detectives on the trail of,
00:06:26on the trail of a dangerous criminal.
00:06:27You see, he's stolen a secret formula,
00:06:29and he's masquerading as the real professor.
00:06:33So, so that's how he asked if I was a local boy, eh?
00:06:36Superintendent?
00:06:37Correct.
00:06:38Now, listen.
00:06:39We've got to get this rope, because he's camping around here.
00:06:42Well, you couldn't have asked anyone better.
00:06:44If he comes in here, I'll let you know straight away.
00:06:46Good.
00:06:47We'll be in the local pub.
00:06:48Don't worry, fellas.
00:06:49Depend on me, colleagues.
00:06:50The minute he comes in here, I'll be right...
00:06:52Jones, forward.
00:06:53Coming, Mr. Kraft.
00:06:54Excuse me.
00:06:55I know he's calling.
00:06:56Coming, Mr. Kraft.
00:06:57What is all this about superintendents and colleagues and all that?
00:07:00Don't you understand?
00:07:01This Clotty's Detective Matt.
00:07:02He thinks we're a couple of flatties.
00:07:03Oh, no.
00:07:04Listen.
00:07:05He's going to be very useful to us.
00:07:06He can do all the hard work training this pure art bloke,
00:07:08while you and I take it easy.
00:07:10Come on.
00:07:11Yes, I think that should be very nice.
00:07:13Yes, I think that should be very nice.
00:07:15Well, you and I take it easy.
00:07:18Come on.
00:07:19If you think it'll work...
00:07:20Yes, I think that should be very nice.
00:07:22Oh, yes.
00:07:23Now measure the waist.
00:07:24Yes, Mr. Kraft.
00:07:25No, no, no.
00:07:26A pair of waist.
00:07:27Yes, Mr. Kraft.
00:07:28Oh, I'm sorry.
00:07:29A pair of waist, yes, Mr. Kraft.
00:07:30Oh, I'm sorry.
00:07:31An hour and a half.
00:07:32Big head.
00:07:33It's a waist, yes.
00:07:34I didn't forget, Mr. Kraft.
00:07:35Yes.
00:07:3673.
00:07:37Dieting.
00:07:38Now, I want a big drape at the back here.
00:07:40You've got a big drip in the front.
00:07:41Yes, Mr. Kraft.
00:07:42Yes, Mr. Kraft.
00:07:43Yes, Mr. Kraft.
00:07:44Now, that'll do.
00:07:45Just cut it off there.
00:07:46Just cut it off.
00:07:47Okay.
00:07:48Mr. Kraft.
00:07:49No, I think I'd better start from...
00:07:50Yes, yes.
00:07:51It would be better, yes.
00:07:52Thank you very much.
00:07:53I'm so pleased about this material.
00:07:54I've been looking for this for ages.
00:07:55Yes, it's very nice, isn't it?
00:07:56Short back and side?
00:07:57Shave?
00:07:58Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:07:59No, no, no.
00:08:00Yes, thank you very much.
00:08:01Yes, it would be better, yes.
00:08:02Thank you very much.
00:08:03I'm so pleased about this material.
00:08:05I've been looking for this for ages.
00:08:06Yes, it's very nice, isn't it?
00:08:07Short back and side?
00:08:08Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:08:09Shave?
00:08:10Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:08:15Send it down in the very next to me, brother.
00:08:18That's you.
00:08:19Thank you, sir.
00:08:20Good day.
00:08:21Good day.
00:08:22Good day.
00:08:24Oh, good morning.
00:08:36Tell me, that young lady leaving just now seems the right outfit for the warm weather.
00:08:44Did she get it here?
00:08:45Well, I thought it helped.
00:08:47Tell me, do you think an outfit like that would shoot me?
00:08:51What, with those legs?
00:08:52And what's the matter with my legs?
00:08:55Nothing, sir, nothing.
00:08:56Well, what's on your mind?
00:08:57Apart from your hair.
00:08:58Oh, on my mind?
00:09:00A formula, my dear sir.
00:09:01A formula?
00:09:01Yes.
00:09:02Then you're the professor.
00:09:04Oh, yes, I am.
00:09:05Yes, I am.
00:09:07Hey, please.
00:09:09Ah!
00:09:09I hate scissors.
00:09:11Wait a minute.
00:09:11I got it.
00:09:12The formula.
00:09:12The formula.
00:09:13Quick paper.
00:09:14Paper.
00:09:14Paper and a petrol.
00:09:15Paper.
00:09:15Paper.
00:09:15Paper.
00:09:16Ah, and petrol.
00:09:17Here we are.
00:09:17You've got one.
00:09:18No, be careful.
00:09:18No, not that side of the press cutting.
00:09:20Yeah.
00:09:21All right.
00:09:21That side.
00:09:21Oh, I mean, I shall need my reading glasses for this.
00:09:24Yeah.
00:09:25Yeah.
00:09:25Ah, that's much better.
00:09:27I don't need glasses.
00:09:29Very good.
00:09:30Neither do I.
00:09:31Okay.
00:09:31Ah, eggs squared.
00:09:33Well, we haven't these squared eggs.
00:09:34We've got some round ones, or some egg-shaped eggs.
00:09:36They're Australian eggs from down under.
00:09:37Ah, ha, ha, ha.
00:09:39Why?
00:09:40Why not?
00:09:40That's where they come from, down under, you see?
00:09:42Brap, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, chicken.
00:09:45Ah, you won.
00:09:46Am I won what?
00:09:47Ah, yes.
00:09:48Ah, pie.
00:09:49Pie, yes, pie.
00:09:50There we are.
00:09:50Ah, eggs.
00:09:51Back to the square root.
00:09:52Well, there's any square root.
00:09:53I don't know what you mean.
00:09:54Yes, yes, yes.
00:09:55Come on, now.
00:09:56Fifteen, eighteen, twenty-four.
00:09:58That's it!
00:09:58I got it!
00:09:59I got it!
00:09:59That's it!
00:10:00I got it!
00:10:00I got it!
00:10:01I got it!
00:10:01I got it!
00:10:02I got it!
00:10:02I got it!
00:10:07What are you doing now?
00:10:08You're fired!
00:10:09Oh, Mr. Crabb, please don't fire me, Mr. Crabb.
00:10:10Think of my six starving children, Mr. Crabb.
00:10:12You haven't got any children.
00:10:13I know, but if I had, they'd starve.
00:10:14Mr. Crabb, please, you can't fire me.
00:10:16I'll give you one more chance.
00:10:18Go and collect that twenty pounds the Crown Public House owes me.
00:10:21And bring the money back.
00:10:23Every penny of it.
00:10:24I will, Mr. Crabb, I will.
00:10:26You'd better.
00:10:27My last assistant embezzled some money.
00:10:28Topps.
00:10:29And I prosecute it.
00:10:31Prosecute it?
00:10:32Prosecute it with the utmost rigor of the law.
00:10:35He got five years.
00:10:37I was on the bench.
00:10:38Oh, you'll get your money back, Mr. Crabb.
00:10:40I'll bring it back to you, Mr. Crabb.
00:10:41Do don't.
00:10:42And take that wretched paper out of here.
00:10:44With your photograph in it.
00:10:45It's enough to frighten away every customer for miles.
00:10:53Back to the yard.
00:10:56The professor.
00:10:57The black masquerader.
00:10:58The pub.
00:11:00Eighteen.
00:11:01Nineteen.
00:11:02Twenty.
00:11:04And tell Mr. Crabb I thought he'd give me more credit, trade being so bad.
00:11:08Him?
00:11:09He never gives anybody any credit, the mean old spanisher.
00:11:13Yes, gentlemen.
00:11:14What can I get you?
00:11:15Two pints of beer, please.
00:11:18Very good, sir.
00:11:18Just the fellas I wanted to see.
00:11:20I've just seen him.
00:11:21The black masquerader.
00:11:22Oh, the professor?
00:11:24I think it was him, superintendent.
00:11:26He came in just after you'd left the shop.
00:11:27He did, eh?
00:11:29Come on, tell me more.
00:11:31Well, he's camping around here somewhere.
00:11:32He came in for some of our roots of Higgs.
00:11:34Did he do anything else for him in the shop?
00:11:39I don't think it was, uh, something about figures or something.
00:11:43Yeah, I'm always...
00:11:44Bats of the yard.
00:11:47How long did you stay?
00:11:48That'll be three shillings, sir.
00:11:50I think I'll have a large whiskey.
00:11:53Yes.
00:11:54What'll you have?
00:11:55Thank you, sir.
00:11:56Good work, Detective Jones.
00:11:57I'll have the same.
00:11:58Don't forget.
00:11:59If you trace him, let us know at once.
00:12:02Back to the yard.
00:12:03Never forgets.
00:12:04Well, goodbye.
00:12:06Goodbye.
00:12:07Don't forget your wallet.
00:12:08Oh, my gosh.
00:12:09Now there's 20 quid of Mr. Kramp's money in there.
00:12:11There is?
00:12:12Yes.
00:12:13And he said if I don't bring back every penny, he'd get me five years.
00:12:16Well, well.
00:12:17We'll be seeing you.
00:12:18Sometime.
00:12:19Yes.
00:12:20Goodbye.
00:12:21Goodbye.
00:12:24Why don't you keep your mind on your job?
00:12:26Instead of lifting that poor dope's cash, you want to concentrate on lifting the professor's formula.
00:12:30And you won't find it in an half-wit's wallet.
00:12:33I'm sorry, Spider.
00:12:34It was dead easy.
00:12:35In any case, before we get the formula, we've got to find the professor.
00:12:39Oh, yeah.
00:12:40I wonder where the heck he is.
00:12:42Uh, um...
00:12:46It's the formula.
00:12:47What am I done with the formula?
00:12:48Oh, wait a minute.
00:12:49No, everybody.
00:12:50Oh, gosh.
00:12:51It's the truck.
00:12:52No.
00:12:53No.
00:12:54No.
00:12:55No.
00:12:56No.
00:12:57I've lost the formula.
00:12:58I've lost the formula.
00:12:59I've lost the formula.
00:13:00I've lost the formula.
00:13:01I've lost the formula.
00:13:02I must have that formula.
00:13:03Where's the formula?
00:13:04Where's the formula?
00:13:05I've lost the formula.
00:13:06No, no, no!
00:13:08I've lost the formula!
00:13:10I've lost the formula!
00:13:12I must have that formula!
00:13:14Where's the formula?
00:13:16I've lost the formula.
00:13:18I've lost the formula.
00:13:20I've lost the formula!
00:13:22Where's the formula?
00:13:24There.
00:13:26There.
00:13:28The formula.
00:13:30I'm going over the formula.
00:13:32Oh, wait a minute.
00:13:34Oh, wait a minute.
00:13:36Oh, wait a minute.
00:13:38Come on.
00:13:44Hello? Hello?
00:13:46Casper!
00:13:48Courage-bats!
00:13:50Ah!
00:13:52Now, come on.
00:13:54Dear sir, we are eagerly awaiting your arrival at Warwell,
00:13:58and all arrangements have been made for you to work in the at-low secrecy.
00:14:02As the formula is in our hands,
00:14:04we shall endeavor to get the new weapon into production immediately.
00:14:08Warwell Atomic Research Station.
00:14:12Hey, hey!
00:14:13What are you doing here?
00:14:14You vile beast!
00:14:15What are you doing in my camp?
00:14:17Oh, I'll get you.
00:14:18I'll get you.
00:14:19I'll have your life for this!
00:14:26Ah!
00:14:27You stinking beast!
00:14:29Oh!
00:14:30Oh!
00:14:31Oh!
00:14:32Oh!
00:14:33Oh!
00:14:39Oh my...
00:14:43What?
00:14:48Ah!
00:14:50Ah!
00:14:52I say, answer that old thing, will you?
00:15:08I'm afraid the ringing might wake up and bring it down.
00:15:11Hello? Yes, this is Official Secret.
00:15:15Can I help you?
00:15:17Yes, I like your voice, too.
00:15:21My name?
00:15:23Oh, that's an official secret.
00:15:25Who am I talking to?
00:15:27Who?
00:15:28Oh, blimey.
00:15:29It's the C&C.
00:15:30He once done it.
00:15:31Who's done what?
00:15:32No, the C&C.
00:15:33Yes, but what's he done?
00:15:34Nothing.
00:15:35He must have done it.
00:15:36But you just said he didn't do it.
00:15:38He once done it.
00:15:40Hold on, will you, sir?
00:15:41Our done it.
00:15:42My dear girl, you can't say our done it.
00:15:45They done it.
00:15:46We done it.
00:15:47I done it.
00:15:48Oh, you mean?
00:15:49Damn it, that's done it.
00:15:51It's a switchboard.
00:15:53It's a transfer.
00:15:54It's called bigger than it, will you?
00:15:56Well?
00:15:58What the blazes do you mean by ringing me up this time of night?
00:16:05Oh?
00:16:06Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
00:16:08Yes, sir?
00:16:09Professor Pureheart, sir.
00:16:10Oh, yes, sir.
00:16:11Oh, yes, sir.
00:16:12Yes, sir.
00:16:13Oh, Professor Pureheart, sir.
00:16:14Oh, yes, sir.
00:16:15Yes, sir.
00:16:16Our very best man, sir.
00:16:17Very good, sir.
00:16:18Good-bye, sir.
00:16:19Very good, sir.
00:16:20Good-bye, sir.
00:16:21Let's ask.
00:16:22Uh, dinners, sir.
00:16:23Oh, well, don't.
00:16:24Now, listen.
00:16:25There's one of these, uh, atomic professor fellows on his way to Warwell.
00:16:28Oh, well, anyway, we've got to protect him.
00:16:29Now, there's a night he's here, at Warwell.
00:16:31I suggest that we send him down there as guest at the colonel's.
00:16:34We'll have to send, uh, one of our own people down there to share with him.
00:16:38Well, anyway, we've got to take him.
00:16:40Now, there's a night he's here at Warwell.
00:16:42I suggest that we send him down there as guest at the colonel's.
00:16:46On his way to Warwell.
00:16:47Well, anyway, we've got to protect him.
00:16:50Now, there's an ITC of Warwell.
00:16:52I suggest that we send him down there as guest of the colonel's.
00:16:55We'll have to send one of our own people down there to share with him.
00:16:58And the question is, to who can we give the job?
00:17:01Well, sir, it's rather difficult, sir.
00:17:03You see, all our special secret service agents are so ducid well-known, sir.
00:17:08Hmm.
00:17:10I've got it. Here, you there. What's your name?
00:17:13Carol Gailey, sir.
00:17:13Well, you've heard of this atomic fellow, Pureheart.
00:17:17Yes, sir.
00:17:17Well, it appears they want to kill him.
00:17:19And it's going to be your job to stop him.
00:17:21Yes, sir.
00:17:22Yes. I suggest you get into civilian talks.
00:17:24In fact, you'd better do that right away.
00:17:26You'd better get down to the ITC of Warwell and report to the CO.
00:17:29Very good, sir.
00:17:30Pretend to be his daughter or something. Is that clear?
00:17:32Yes, sir.
00:17:33And remember, this is absolutely secret.
00:17:36Yes, sir.
00:17:36Do free the word that is to anybody.
00:17:43Any news, RSM?
00:18:05Afraid not, sir.
00:18:06The new officer left London some hours ago.
00:18:08Well, what the devil are we supposed to do?
00:18:10An intake of Zed reservists due here at any moment?
00:18:12And I've got no adjutant.
00:18:14I know, sir.
00:18:14And now to cap it, there's this VIP fellow on his way, too.
00:18:18On his way to where, sir?
00:18:19Here, man, here.
00:18:21I can't think what the ward office is up to.
00:18:23They send me a civilian scientist, a nurse, but they don't send me an adjutant.
00:18:27He must have been delayed on the road, sir.
00:18:30We'll pay for this.
00:18:32How dare you put on my uniform?
00:18:34Fit's all right.
00:18:35I warn you, I shall have the whole of the British Army round you here.
00:18:38Ah, shut up.
00:18:38Once I get to Warwell...
00:18:40You're going to have a long walk here to you, Chummy, because I'm going to borrow your car as well.
00:18:45I say, you can't take that.
00:18:47I can't see without it.
00:18:48You're not going to see us for dust.
00:18:50All right, adjutant.
00:18:52Now for old Pure Art and his formula.
00:18:55The feet is trying to get in the uniform.
00:18:56I must say, it feels good to get out of uniform.
00:19:26Ah, there you are, my dear.
00:19:31By George, you look even prettier in Mufty.
00:19:34I was just cursing the war office for not sending me an adjutant.
00:19:37But by gad, they've made up for it.
00:19:39They've sent me a daughter.
00:19:40There's just one thing.
00:19:41When the professor arrives, you'd better leave him to me.
00:19:44I'm a bit worried about someone getting in under cover of this new Z draft.
00:19:47Oh, yes, that's the point, yes.
00:19:48Or for that matter, of someone giving away the fact that he's here.
00:19:52Hmm.
00:19:52Yes, well, don't worry about it.
00:19:53I shall see that they don't talk.
00:19:55Give him a short chat on security sometime.
00:19:58Yes, what is it, RSM?
00:20:00Private Eccles, sir.
00:20:01Usual request for promotion board.
00:20:02Eccles?
00:20:03Not him again.
00:20:04Six years that man's been trying to get a stripe.
00:20:06He's very keen, sir.
00:20:07Is he?
00:20:08Hmm, well, that's something.
00:20:09All right, I'll see him.
00:20:11Excuse me a moment, my dear.
00:20:15See how we'll see you now.
00:20:16Cap off.
00:20:17Right turn.
00:20:18The other right.
00:20:20Quick, right.
00:20:25Private Eccles, sir.
00:20:31You don't salute with your cap off, you know.
00:20:34Now then, Eccles.
00:20:36Unfortunately, I've not seen my way before to promote you to Lance Corporal.
00:20:40There are some privates you know who are keen, but not very intelligent.
00:20:45There are, sir?
00:20:46Yes, there are.
00:20:48But in your case, I'm going to give you a chance to prove that you're not one of them.
00:20:51Yeah, that's what I am.
00:20:52Not one of them.
00:20:54Mm-mm, yes.
00:20:55Now then, I'm going to make you PT instructor.
00:20:57Acting unpaid, of course, in charge of the new draft.
00:21:00Oh, the Z-men, sir.
00:21:01No, the Z-girls.
00:21:02There's a dozen or so racks joining us.
00:21:04Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:21:05And there's no time for that sort of thing.
00:21:07If you're going to make an efficient NCO, you'll have to learn how to use your voice.
00:21:10Oh, but I do use my voice, sir.
00:21:12I use it every time I speak.
00:21:14I wouldn't use it any other way.
00:21:16I meant words of command.
00:21:17Go away and practice them somewhere.
00:21:19And don't whisper.
00:21:20Shout.
00:21:20Yes, sir.
00:21:23Come, let's quit.
00:21:24March.
00:21:25Lift, fight, lift, fight, lift, fight, lift, fight.
00:21:27Forward.
00:21:28Stand.
00:21:29Company.
00:21:31Forward.
00:21:32March.
00:21:33Lovely year for the time of the weather, isn't it?
00:21:51Oh, I see you're an MP.
00:21:53Tell me, what is your constituency?
00:21:55Congregational, sir.
00:21:57Ah, Colonel Bloodlockhead, Richard.
00:22:02I don't know anything about that, sir, but he's in his house.
00:22:05Oh, splendid.
00:22:06Which way?
00:22:07Straight down the road, sir. First turn on the right.
00:22:10You can't miss it.
00:22:11With my driving, I should quite probably hit it.
00:22:27Here's this история, sir, then ...
00:22:31... oh!
00:22:33I have to worry about, sir.
00:22:36I didn't know anything about, sir.
00:22:38If you have any questions, please.
00:22:40There you are.
00:22:41I didn't know anything about you.
00:22:44I did.
00:22:46I didn't know anything about you.
00:22:48Uh-huh.
00:22:49Oh, I don't know anything about you.
00:22:51Well, we also know anything about you.
00:22:53I'm sorry.
00:22:54There's nothing wrong about you.
00:22:56Good afternoon. Welcome to Walwell. I'm the CEO's daughter.
00:23:02Oh, splendid, splendid.
00:23:04You're Mr. Whitehead, of course.
00:23:05Ah, no, no, I'm pure.
00:23:06Down here you'll be known as Mr. Whitehead.
00:23:09The fact that you're here in this camp must be kept absolutely secret.
00:23:12Why, see, I use an assumed name and pretend to be somebody that I'm not.
00:23:17Exactly. Let's go in, shall we?
00:23:18Yes.
00:23:19Uh, this way.
00:23:21Oh.
00:23:26Harry, my boy, you're on to something.
00:23:29Now, how can I get in the camp to watch you?
00:23:32If you're talking to yourself, don't.
00:23:34And if you're talking to me, shut up!
00:23:36Yes, but I do.
00:23:36Don't answer back!
00:23:37Set up attention, will you?
00:23:38What are you doing outside the CEO's house anyway?
00:23:40Get fill in with the rest of the Zedmen, will you?
00:23:42Well, not the Zedmen.
00:23:43Don't argue with me!
00:23:44Get fill in!
00:23:50Well, at the moment, I'm working on a new form of gas.
00:23:53Really?
00:23:53Ah, two kinds of things.
00:23:55A tear gas and a larsing gas.
00:23:58Hmm.
00:23:58Then I suggest we tell the men you're a gas warfare expert, Mr. Whitebread.
00:24:03Whitehead, sir.
00:24:04Whitehead, yes, yes.
00:24:05Then none of them will ever suspect that you're really connected with Warwell Atomic Station.
00:24:09Well, that's the real trouble.
00:24:11You see, there's no real reason why anyone should want to try and kill me.
00:24:14You see, I've lost the formula.
00:24:17What?
00:24:17Well, I wrote it down somewhere.
00:24:19Good heavens, and you don't know where it is?
00:24:21And Nash, no.
00:24:22I've got to remember.
00:24:23I must!
00:24:25Sorry to interrupt, sir.
00:24:27Oh, that's what?
00:24:27I'm Evans, the new adjutant.
00:24:29Oh, ah.
00:24:30I had a tower blowout on the way down.
00:24:32Very serious, the lamb.
00:24:33Yes, very serious.
00:24:34Still, you're here now.
00:24:35Just in time to check in the new draft.
00:24:36Yes, sir.
00:24:37Oh, by the way, this is my daughter, Carol.
00:24:39How do you?
00:24:39How do you do?
00:24:40How do you do?
00:24:41And this is Professor, uh, Mr. Whitebunst.
00:24:44Uh, Warthog, sir.
00:24:45How do you do?
00:24:45How do you do, sir?
00:24:46Yes, yes, yes.
00:24:47Um, you'd better get off and see to that draft.
00:24:50Your room's ready upstairs, and yours, Mr., um...
00:24:52Uh, Flattie.
00:24:53Wet-like, yes, that's right.
00:24:55Now then, um, you'll need a Batman, won't you?
00:24:57We shall need two, in fact.
00:24:58Tell the RSM to pick out a couple, will you?
00:25:00Very good, sir.
00:25:01I have all been in the service before.
00:25:03You should know all the answers without me having to tell you.
00:25:07Don't hurry yourself, will you?
00:25:09You've got all day.
00:25:12Get Billy in there, will you?
00:25:13Who do you think you are?
00:25:14I think I'm back.
00:25:15I know you are.
00:25:16What's your name?
00:25:17Jones.
00:25:17Sir!
00:25:18It's not necessary, but thanks all the same.
00:25:19Bye, Jupiter Isle!
00:25:23First thing to do is to get you kitted up.
00:25:25Anyone know where the quartermaster's stores are?
00:25:28No?
00:25:29Right, I'll march it down to myself.
00:25:31Now, don't forget the old words of command.
00:25:34Squad!
00:25:36Wait for it!
00:25:37As you were!
00:25:39Squad, sit at ease!
00:25:41Elaine!
00:25:43Squad!
00:25:44Wait for it if you've got everything you've learned!
00:25:47Sir, well, you shouldn't be it at all, really.
00:25:49I know you shouldn't.
00:25:51These other 12 are bad enough with you making the unlucky 13.
00:25:55And squad!
00:25:56Left!
00:25:57Turn!
00:25:59For the right, pick, march!
00:26:01Help!
00:26:07Left, right, left, right, right, wheel!
00:26:16Left, wheel!
00:26:22Oh, scum!
00:26:24About, turn!
00:26:27Squad, halt!
00:26:31All out for a smoke!
00:26:32Left, right, head!
00:26:38Left, right, left, right!
00:26:43Squad!
00:26:44Left, wheel!
00:26:47Left, right, left, right, left!
00:26:52Squad!
00:26:53Hold!
00:26:55New draft, sir.
00:26:56Not very many of them, are there?
00:27:03About, turn!
00:27:06About, turn!
00:27:15Excuse me, sir.
00:27:22Squad is missed!
00:27:24Get out.
00:27:30Get that in there with a arm of it, you think you're...
00:27:34You son of a house coward, have you all on jacket for this?
00:27:46Here!
00:27:48Hurry!
00:27:48Put it up there.
00:27:49Ravalli!
00:27:50Come on.
00:27:51Get on for a little.
00:27:52Come on.
00:27:53Yeah, Harry.
00:27:54Come on.
00:27:54Hurry!
00:27:56If we can't get you up, I will.
00:28:24You! What do you think you're playing at?
00:28:25It wasn't me, sir.
00:28:26I'll get you 28 days for this.
00:28:27Report to the guard room.
00:28:28You're in a charge.
00:28:29Yes, sir.
00:28:30But, sir...
00:28:31Don't answer back!
00:28:32Never heard anything like it in all my life!
00:28:34Well, I bet that woke them all up.
00:28:35I'm good, I am.
00:28:36You certainly woke me up.
00:28:37What time is it?
00:28:38Up past five.
00:28:39Up past five?
00:28:40Up past five?
00:28:41Yep.
00:28:42Well, now get up till eight.
00:28:43But you're in the army now.
00:28:44No, I'm not.
00:28:45I came here by error in the first place.
00:28:46We all came here in error in the first place.
00:28:47But you don't understand.
00:28:48I'm a detective, really.
00:28:49I'm on a secret service mission.
00:28:50I'm bats.
00:28:51I'm bats.
00:28:52I'm bats.
00:28:53Oh, you can't see me.
00:28:54I've got 28 days for this.
00:28:55I've got 28 days for this.
00:28:56Report to the guard room.
00:28:57You're in a charge.
00:28:58Yes, sir.
00:28:59But sir.
00:29:00Don't answer back!
00:29:01I've never heard anything like it in all my life!
00:29:02Well, I bet that woke them all up.
00:29:04I'm good, I am.
00:29:05It certainly woke me up.
00:29:06I'm on a Secret Service mission, I'm bats.
00:29:09So am I, but I'm getting over it.
00:29:11Oh, no, bats of the yard. Here, I'll show you.
00:29:14I got my footage out here, in the paper.
00:29:15In the paper? Yep.
00:29:17Watch through that. Look at that.
00:29:20Bats of the yard.
00:29:22Oh, yeah. Anything on the ba...
00:29:25Hey, what are these figures here?
00:29:27Figures? Yeah.
00:29:29Oh, that must be an old grocery bill I was turning up from Old Mr. Crab.
00:29:31Oh. Old Mr. Crab.
00:29:34For 20 quid I collected from the Crown.
00:29:36I have to get back.
00:29:38He said he'd get me five years if I lost it.
00:29:39Oh, the army won't let you go now.
00:29:41But they must. I got 20 quid...
00:29:4320 pounds.
00:29:4620... 20 quid.
00:29:48I've been robbed.
00:29:50I'm a wanted man.
00:29:51Who wants you?
00:29:52The police. They'll arrest me.
00:29:54What? The M.O. said I was mentally arrested.
00:29:56No, you... Look, I can't show my face outside the barricade.
00:30:00I can't show my face anywhere.
00:30:02I can't show my face.
00:30:04Wakey, wakey, your eyes and shine.
00:30:06The sun's burning your eyes out.
00:30:11Wakey, wakey, wakey, you horrible men.
00:30:13What are you hanging around in here for?
00:30:15Get clean up and shouting on parade, will you?
00:30:17Don't stand here all day looking at your pinups.
00:30:19What do you mean by pinups?
00:30:23These?
00:30:24Oh, no, not them.
00:30:25He means these.
00:30:26We all have them over our bed, you know.
00:30:28Ain't you got something to pin up over your bed?
00:30:30Yes, I have.
00:30:30What?
00:30:32This.
00:30:32Oh.
00:30:36That dead chap is no good game for me.
00:30:37I can't help it. We'll just have to wait.
00:30:39The old fool's lost the formula.
00:30:40How do you know?
00:30:41First thing I ever heard when I got down here.
00:30:43He said, I'm going to go.
00:30:44I'm going to go.
00:30:45I'm going to go.
00:30:46I'm going to go.
00:30:47First thing I ever heard when I got down here.
00:30:49He said, I wrote it down somewhere.
00:30:51I can't remember where.
00:30:53Oh, there you are.
00:30:54Into the hut.
00:31:02What's on today?
00:31:03Oh, guerrilla warfare.
00:31:05Guerrilla warfare?
00:31:06Yeah.
00:31:06I know that.
00:31:07Look.
00:31:17I know that I was going to go.
00:31:27Oh, what's going on?
00:31:27Oh.
00:31:28Fall in.
00:31:28Fall in, fight!
00:31:29Boop!
00:31:30All right, you look more like soldiers this morning, you sports-coded prudocrats.
00:31:45Not much more, but we'll soon alter that.
00:31:48And the first thing this morning is to get two volunteers for Batman.
00:31:51One for the new adjutant, one for this here gas expert, Mr. Whiteface.
00:31:56Volunteers for Batman, two bases forward, march!
00:32:00Blimey, arsenic and old lace.
00:32:03Right, you two, report to the CO's house immediately.
00:32:06Oh, can I speak, sir?
00:32:08Not very well, apparently, but what is it?
00:32:11Well, the CO said that I could take the women's speech class this morning.
00:32:15So he did.
00:32:17Right, that first.
00:32:19And then cook our fatigue, and then report to the adjutant!
00:32:22What about me, sir?
00:32:23The same!
00:32:25You've got a lot of decorations up this morning, Eccles.
00:32:27Oh, you mean these medals?
00:32:28What do you get these for?
00:32:30You really want to know what I got them for?
00:32:32Yes.
00:32:33Ten bobs a lot.
00:32:34March!
00:32:36The rest of you in a PT kit.
00:32:38I'll have a go at you lot.
00:32:39We'll soon stiffen up those flabby muscles.
00:32:43You two, right turn.
00:32:45Right turn!
00:32:47Quick, march!
00:32:48Yes, the actual action of sodium solicitate on a benzoate solution.
00:32:56Hmm.
00:32:57All sounds very interesting, Blackhead.
00:32:59Whitehouse.
00:33:00Whitehead, yes, yes.
00:33:02You've managed to get both tear gas and laughing gas into a condensed form, is that it?
00:33:06Yes, as it were, squeezed.
00:33:10Squeezed.
00:33:11In fact, I have two samples upstairs in my room.
00:33:13Daddy, Daddy.
00:33:16Hmm?
00:33:17Oh, huh?
00:33:17Could the professor give the men a lecture or something?
00:33:20Yes, uh, hydrogen ring concentration in trichlorophenimethyondosalical, uh, concentration rings.
00:33:26Or, uh, mother craft.
00:33:29Yes.
00:33:29You know, to give us a chance to look over the new draft, please.
00:33:32Hmm.
00:33:32Oh, I don't think we want to bore them with all that dribble about, uh...
00:33:36Oh, I don't know, we might as well.
00:33:37Yeah.
00:33:38Hmm.
00:33:38Why not, chap?
00:33:39I'll go upstairs and collect the things from my room.
00:33:41Yes, righto, yeah.
00:33:42All right?
00:33:42Hmm, fine, fine.
00:33:43Excuse me.
00:33:43Yes.
00:33:44What, Daddy?
00:33:45Cheese.
00:33:46You know, I'm, um, I'm rather beginning to like this Daddy business.
00:33:49Sugar, Daddy?
00:33:51Right over here, sir.
00:33:53Milk?
00:33:53Of course.
00:33:56Tea?
00:33:56No, thanks.
00:33:57I never touch the stuff.
00:33:58Oh.
00:33:58Blimey, was that him?
00:34:09Yes.
00:34:10With all those whiskers?
00:34:11Why not?
00:34:11Oh, the barber's nightmare.
00:34:13Well, there's one thing, sir.
00:34:15I shan't mistake him when I come to do him.
00:34:17Hmm, hmm.
00:34:28I don't want to buy them.
00:34:44It's good.
00:34:47Ooh!
00:34:48Go!
00:34:56Would you all...
00:34:58Kind of...
00:35:00Like soon...
00:35:02Fall in.
00:35:04One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, ten, ten, ten!
00:35:09That was fine, fine, fine.
00:35:19And now, now we'll try...
00:35:21Now we'll try...
00:35:29Exercise number one.
00:35:31Now, do it exactly as I do.
00:35:33First of all, watch me.
00:35:35One, two, three, four.
00:35:37One, two, three, four.
00:35:39One, two...
00:35:41Three, four.
00:35:43Now then, exactly as I did it.
00:35:45All together.
00:35:47Ready, go!
00:35:49One, two, three, four.
00:35:51One, two, three, four.
00:35:53One, two. That's very good.
00:35:55Something wrong here.
00:35:57Oh, yes.
00:35:59Three, four.
00:36:01That's fine, fine, fine.
00:36:03And now then, we'll try it with music, eh?
00:36:05Here. Oh, music.
00:36:21Oh, ha ha ha.
00:36:25Theêt...
00:36:27Here.
00:36:29Neil, wait a minute, have you got the right record on now?
00:36:45I think so.
00:36:51I don't know.
00:36:53I know.
00:36:59I don't know.
00:37:29Let's go.
00:37:30Let's go.
00:37:31There it is.
00:37:32There it is.
00:37:33I don't know.
00:37:37I don't know.
00:37:39I don't know.
00:37:41I don't know.
00:37:43I don't know.
00:37:45I don't know.
00:37:47You can't even get it.
00:37:50The End
00:38:20The End
00:38:50The End
00:39:20The End
00:39:50Now then, this is what you do
00:39:51You swing up to the left and swing up to the right
00:39:54And grab your partisan toolsy tools
00:39:56No, no, no
00:39:59Now then, this is what you do
00:40:02You swing up to the left and swing up to the right
00:40:04Okay?
00:40:05Ready?
00:40:06One, two, three, go
00:40:08Swing up to the left
00:40:09No, no, no
00:40:11Forgive me, Nelope
00:40:12Now then, this is what you do now
00:40:14Exactly as I do it
00:40:15Now, exactly as I do it
00:40:15Now, exactly as I do it
00:40:23Now, exactly as I did it
00:40:25Now, ready?
00:40:26One, go
00:40:27You swing up to the left and swing up to the right
00:40:29Let's go
00:40:40One, go
00:40:42'm
00:40:59I think he's upstairs somewhere, I don't know.
00:41:01I'll find out.
00:41:02Hello, White House 1212?
00:41:04Anybody there?
00:41:05No.
00:41:06Nobody there.
00:41:07Silence!
00:41:16The gas!
00:41:17The gas!
00:41:18You've got the gas!
00:41:24Of course, you'll have to polish his buttons, make his bed, run his bath and so on.
00:41:27But it's one of the most sought-after jobs in the army.
00:41:33I think you'll find you'll be very happy here.
00:41:36Yes.
00:41:39Thank you, sir.
00:41:44Thank you, sir.
00:41:45Very much.
00:41:46That's all right.
00:41:47No need to take it to heart.
00:41:49After all, we all want to be happy in our work here.
00:41:52Don't we, Major?
00:41:54Yes, sir.
00:41:55You waste it.
00:41:56You waste your time.
00:41:57Oh!
00:41:58Yes, sir.
00:41:59Wanna we have?
00:42:00Son, please!
00:42:02Ha!
00:42:04Ha!
00:42:05Ha!
00:42:07Ha!
00:42:11Ha!
00:42:12Ha!
00:42:14Ha!
00:42:15Ha!
00:42:16Ha, ha.
00:42:17Ha, ha!
00:42:18Ha, ha!
00:42:19Ha, ha, ha!
00:42:20Ha, ha...
00:42:21And I'll leave that to you, don't I?
00:42:26Yes, sir.
00:42:30I know what I can do, sir.
00:42:32What?
00:42:33I can give them fatigue.
00:42:37Put them on jankers.
00:42:42Couple of roundness.
00:42:51It was all my fault.
00:43:01It was all my fault.
00:43:03It was all my fault.
00:43:06It was all my fault.
00:43:10I didn't mean it.
00:43:12Come on, now.
00:43:14Parade with me.
00:43:17Come on, now.
00:43:19Oh, my God.
00:43:37Private Jones, whatever's the matter?
00:43:42Oh, come now.
00:43:44Army life can't be as bad as all that.
00:43:46It's as bad as all that.
00:43:48It's so bad.
00:43:49Well, what is it then? A love affair gone wrong?
00:43:53Oh, you just need a little womanly sympathy.
00:43:56Now, come on, smile. Just for me.
00:44:00I'll try.
00:44:02That's it. Now, come on. Just a teeny-weeny smile.
00:44:07That's it.
00:44:09Well, really?
00:44:19Oh.
00:44:21Oh, that gas.
00:44:22Gas?
00:44:23The professor's laughter and tears mixture.
00:44:26Oh, I'm sorry, miss.
00:44:28I wouldn't like to offend you, of all people.
00:44:31I understand.
00:44:33You're the understanding kind, the sympathetic.
00:44:37Think so?
00:44:39Oh, but sympathy can be a dangerous thing, you know.
00:44:46Sympathy is the strangest feeling
00:44:49Takes you by surprise
00:44:53And before you realize what's happening
00:44:57That other thing comes stealing, too
00:45:03Love is on its way
00:45:06What can you do but shrug and say
00:45:13If this is love
00:45:18Then let it stay
00:45:22It's much too sweet
00:45:26To turn away
00:45:28If this is love
00:45:29If this is love
00:45:31Then I shall be
00:45:35In love with you
00:45:39In love with you
00:45:41Eternally
00:45:45Please understand
00:45:47Please understand
00:45:48I never planned
00:45:49That love should start like this
00:45:52You took my hand
00:45:53And in that moment
00:45:54Took my heart
00:45:55Like this
00:45:56You took my hand
00:45:57And in that moment
00:45:58Took my heart
00:45:59Like this
00:46:00You took my hand
00:46:01And in that moment
00:46:02Took my heart
00:46:04Now take my lips
00:46:07Now take my lips
00:46:11And come what may
00:46:14If this is love
00:46:16Then come what may
00:46:19If this is love
00:46:21Then come what may
00:46:23If this is love
00:46:24If this is love
00:46:25We'll let it stay
00:46:26We'll let it stay
00:46:30You took my hand
00:46:44And in that moment
00:46:46Took my heart
00:46:48言
00:47:03You took my hand
00:47:05If this is love
00:47:07Then I shall be
00:47:10I never planned
00:47:11To turn away
00:47:13And I shall be
00:47:14You took my heart
00:47:16We'll let it say
00:47:34Now then, gentlemen, as I was saying, I've asked you to come up here
00:47:38I've asked you to come up here
00:47:40I've asked you to come here on a very important matter
00:47:44It affects everyone
00:47:46Oh, that's better, that's better
00:47:48Now then, I've received information from the War Office
00:47:51which says that certain secret documents have been found
00:47:55by the professional Donald Trump
00:47:57Oh, that's right, thank you
00:47:59Oh, that's right, thank you
00:48:01Thank you, thank you
00:48:03Oh, it was really, it was really bad
00:48:05So, is that all clear, gentlemen?
00:48:07I'm sorry, sir, we didn't quite catch the...
00:48:09I was saying, Bullshire
00:48:11I've had information from the War Office
00:48:13that a dangerous spy has penetrated this camp
00:48:15and is trying to get hold of a secret formula
00:48:17which belongs to the Warwell Atomic People
00:48:19It is essential, therefore, that none of your men talk
00:48:22Careless talk may mean disaster
00:48:24We don't know who the spy is
00:48:26Probably got him with the last z-inting
00:48:27We can screen those men, sir
00:48:29Hmm?
00:48:30Yes, but it may be a woman disguised as a wreck or something
00:48:33I would like to remind you, gentlemen
00:48:36that one of the world's most famous spies was a woman
00:48:39Mata Hari
00:48:42She was a particularly clever woman
00:48:44Very, very beautiful
00:48:45A singer, if you remember
00:48:47Who, by showing sympathy and using all her feminine allure
00:48:50Got young soldiers under her spell
00:48:52They believed her to be their friend
00:48:54And from them, she got their secrets
00:48:57Have we a Mata Hari amongst us?
00:48:59Is there a woman spy on this camp?
00:49:04Well, that is all, gentlemen
00:49:06Keep your eyes open
00:49:07And above all
00:49:08See that your men don't talk
00:49:10Do you wish to attend her inspection, sir?
00:49:12Oh, that's a good idea
00:49:13I'd like to have the place looking smart
00:49:15We'll go along, shall we?
00:49:17No, nothing's broken yet
00:49:32It's the formula that's holding up everything
00:49:34Once Pure Heart gets it back again
00:49:36The balloon will go up
00:49:37And the professor will be taken for a ride
00:49:39Yes
00:49:40Yes, I'll let you know
00:49:42Goodbye
00:49:43The court went handed
00:49:44So you thought by using sympathy
00:49:46And all your feminine allure
00:49:47And get me under your spell
00:49:48What on earth are you talking about?
00:49:50The game's up, Mata Hari
00:49:51I'm bats
00:49:52You're telling me
00:49:53I know all about you
00:49:54Masquerading as the Colonel's daughter
00:49:55About Pure Heart pretending to be whitehead
00:49:56About the formula
00:49:57About bumping people off
00:49:58And taking people for rides
00:49:59And everything
00:50:01And the world's greatest defective
00:50:03Yes
00:50:04Now look, Jonesy
00:50:05You apparently know a good deal
00:50:06So you can help
00:50:07I'm not a Mata Hari
00:50:08I'm MI5 Gailey
00:50:10MI5?
00:50:11Yes, now you know
00:50:12There's going to be a concert tonight
00:50:14Well, the attempt to be made then
00:50:15When everyone's at the hall
00:50:17Now the spies will try
00:50:18And get hold of the missing formula
00:50:19But no one knows where it is
00:50:21Yes
00:50:22Not bad
00:50:23Not bad at all
00:50:25But, uh
00:50:26These pin-ups, or whatever you call them
00:50:28They'll have to come down
00:50:29Can't have those up, can we?
00:50:31No, sir
00:50:32Not for regulation
00:50:33Make an out of that hurry, Sam
00:50:34Will you?
00:50:35But, but, sir
00:50:36We dream about these
00:50:37You do?
00:50:38Give me that one
00:50:40Oh
00:50:41This one?
00:50:42Yes
00:50:43How about that one?
00:50:44I said this one
00:50:45Here
00:50:52Disgusting
00:50:55Right
00:50:56Revolting
00:50:57Nauteating
00:50:59This one's even worse
00:51:00Give me that
00:51:01Yes, sir
00:51:02What do you do with this?
00:51:04Have nightmares about it?
00:51:06That's in the yard
00:51:08Seems horrible
00:51:10That's funny, sir
00:51:12That photo looks familiar
00:51:14Huh?
00:51:15I wonder where I saw it before
00:51:16Oh, look, there's some figures on the back
00:51:18Oh, there are
00:51:19It seems to be some sort of a formula
00:51:20Formula?
00:51:21Yes
00:51:22May I see it?
00:51:23Yes, certainly
00:51:24I suppose it's important
00:51:25But
00:51:26I'd better keep it
00:51:28R.S.M.
00:51:29Yes, yes
00:51:30Remind me to see Private Jones
00:51:31And tell him not to pin his press cuttings up in the hut
00:51:33Yeah
00:51:34Very good, sir
00:51:35You can carry on now, R.S.M.
00:51:37I'm going to go and finalize these concert arrangements
00:51:40You'd better come with me, Echo
00:51:42Oh, oh, good
00:51:43I like concerts, sir, you know
00:51:44I'll bring to lots of concerts
00:51:46Oh, Danny Kay's on
00:51:48Boo!
00:51:49Yes, well, Danny seems to be okay
00:52:05Yes, sir
00:52:06Yes
00:52:07Well, now, Stanton
00:52:08How long does this act of yours run?
00:52:09About ten minutes, sir
00:52:11Ten minutes?
00:52:12Yes, sir
00:52:13You can't make all those changes of costume in ten minutes
00:52:15You see, sir, it's a quick change act
00:52:17I'm sorry, I didn't see how it could be done
00:52:19I'll show you, sir
00:52:20Ready, Bert?
00:52:21Yes
00:52:30Well, sir
00:52:31Cyrano de Bergerac
00:52:34And then we change as quick as I can
00:52:36Okay, let's find the Bergerac
00:52:37Uh, Stanton
00:52:38Now, what's next?
00:52:39Girls
00:52:40Ah
00:52:41All right, chaps, get the stuff up as good as you can
00:52:43Echoes, sir
00:52:44Echoes, get your girls up
00:52:46All right, come on, sir
00:52:47All right, come on, sir
00:52:48All right, come on, sir
00:52:49All right, come on, sir
00:53:06Hello, Professor, everything all right?
00:53:07Yes
00:53:08Ah, that fish
00:53:09I've seen it somewhere before recently
00:53:11I got it
00:53:12Your back's in the belfry
00:53:14Back to the yard
00:53:15Yes, actually
00:53:16The newspaper cutting
00:53:17The figures on the back
00:53:19That's my formula
00:53:20The formula?
00:53:21Yes
00:53:22Yes, I remember now
00:53:23I was in a grocery shop
00:53:24And you were in the grocery shop
00:53:26You were laying square eggs
00:53:28But the formula, who's got it now?
00:53:30Ah, the adjutant
00:53:31The adjutant?
00:53:32Yes
00:53:33Signed, sealed, and almost delivered
00:53:36So now we can get busy with old Pure art, eh?
00:53:38You can, but not just yet
00:53:39I don't want to arouse any suspicion
00:53:41I'll put this under lock and key
00:53:44And then try and get into touch with headquarters
00:53:47But why can't I do old Pure art now?
00:53:50Because there'll be a much better chance tonight
00:53:52When they're all busy at the concert
00:53:54I turned round to the Air Commodore
00:53:58He said, you know sir
00:53:59You can't land a seaplane on a runway, don't you?
00:54:01And the Air Commodore said
00:54:02I'm perfectly well aware of that
00:54:04Got up, opened the door
00:54:05Fell in the sea
00:54:06And hasn't been heard of since
00:54:07There you come, master
00:54:08Well ladies, I think we might as well be getting across
00:54:13Pretty good show they've fixed up for us, I'm told
00:54:15Your daughter's singing, isn't she, Colonel?
00:54:16My daughter?
00:54:17Oh yes, yes, she is
00:54:18Couple of songs, I believe
00:54:19Anyway, when the adjutant arrives
00:54:20We'll get across, shall we?
00:54:21I believe he's gone over already, sir
00:54:22He has?
00:54:23Well, we'll go now in that case
00:54:24I always think it's so entertaining
00:54:26The men do very well
00:54:27Thank you, sir
00:54:28He has?
00:54:29Well, we'll go now in that case
00:54:30I always think it's so entertaining
00:54:33The men do very well
00:54:34Thank you, sir
00:54:35Thank you
00:54:57Thank you
00:55:27Thank you
00:55:28Thank you
00:55:29Thank you
00:55:57Thank you
00:56:27Thank you
00:56:57Very good girls
00:56:58Very, very good
00:56:59Hurry, very good
00:57:00Hurry along now
00:57:01Oh dear, I'm on next
00:57:03Now look, hold the phone for me
00:57:04Right
00:57:05As soon as I'm through
00:57:06I'm going over to get the formula back
00:57:07Before my second number
00:57:08Can I come too?
00:57:09Now you stay here, Bats
00:57:10Fill in for me if I don't get back in time
00:57:11Okay
00:57:12Okay
00:57:20Here is the story
00:57:21A sad and dismal tale
00:57:22Of the fall from grace and glory
00:57:24Of a miserable male
00:57:26He was tall, dark
00:57:28Handsome as could be
00:57:29And the ladies always looked upon him lovingly
00:57:32But tall, dark and handsome
00:57:34Was called upon to serve
00:57:35His country for a fortnight
00:57:36In the said reserve
00:57:38He was proud
00:57:39Pleased
00:57:40How could he foresee
00:57:41The sort of things that happen
00:57:43In the Queen's army
00:57:49For when he arrived
00:57:50The sergeant major swore
00:57:52I've never seen anything
00:57:53Larkin in my life before
00:57:55His smart city suit
00:57:57Was cut so square
00:57:59With a drape at the back
00:58:00And so was his hair
00:58:02The colonel then was heard to cry
00:58:06Down among the Zed men
00:58:08Down among the Zed men
00:58:10Down, down, down, down, down
00:58:13Down, down, down
00:58:14Down among the Zed men
00:58:16Let him fly
00:58:17Down among the Zed men
00:58:18Down, down, down, down, down
00:58:22Down among the Zed men
00:58:23Let him fly
00:58:24Down among the Zed men
00:58:25Let him fly
00:58:26Down, down, down, down, down
00:58:27Down among the Zed men
00:58:28Let him fly
00:58:29Down among the Zed men
00:58:30Let him fly
00:58:31The ladies who with love
00:58:34The ladies who with love were torn
00:58:36And then was heard his anguished cry
00:58:41Down among the zed men, down among the zed men
00:58:45Down, down, down, down
00:58:48Down among the zed men let him lie
00:58:55The ladies who with love were torn
00:58:59Now pretended not to know him or loved with scorn
00:59:02There's a moral to my tale that's plain to see
00:59:06The shape nature made him a man must be
00:59:10Or he may hear the ladies cry
00:59:14Down among the zed men, down among the zed men
00:59:18Down, down, down, down
00:59:21Down among the zed men let him lie
00:59:32And now ladies and gentlemen for our surprise item
00:59:39You've heard the colonel's charming daughter
00:59:42Now here is the old, here is the colonel himself
00:59:45Colonel Blatner
00:59:46Ladies and gentlemen
00:59:55The other day I went along to the cinema
00:59:58The local cinema to see one of these American war films
01:00:01And in this American war film there was a young lieutenant
01:00:04We know them as lieutenants
01:00:05Who endeavoured to save the day
01:00:07Save the whole army from entire destruction
01:00:08He wasn't very successful
01:00:10And that is why I'm going to show you a little burlesque now
01:00:12Of what happened
01:00:13I'd like you to imagine the scene on a battlefield
01:00:15Inside a rather battle scarred headquarters
01:00:17And there are three high ranking American officers
01:00:20Standing round a table
01:00:21And they call this young a lieutenant into the room
01:00:24It goes like this
01:00:25Lieutenant Hargreaves
01:00:33Lieutenant
01:00:35I have called you here
01:00:38Because we are in
01:00:40A very, very grave position
01:00:43Yes, sir
01:00:45We are not only completely
01:00:49Oh, one moment, lieutenant
01:00:51Hello
01:00:52HQ
01:00:53Yes
01:00:55Word
01:00:56And another thing, goodbye
01:00:57Lieutenant
01:00:59We are not only completely surrounded
01:01:01By units of the 15th Panzer Division
01:01:03But they are at this very moment, lieutenant
01:01:06Surrounding
01:01:07And penetrating
01:01:09Our main defense line
01:01:10Yes, sir
01:01:12Gentlemen
01:01:14It's a good job you called me in
01:01:17I can get you all out of this
01:01:19My plan is very simple
01:01:21Permission to speak, sir?
01:01:23Thank you, sir
01:01:24Now then, we are here
01:01:26And the enemy is here
01:01:27Now then, what happens is this
01:01:29They attack not knowing I'm working for them, see
01:01:32I close in
01:01:34My men
01:01:35Oh
01:01:36Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
01:01:51I've actually quit
01:01:54Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I've actually come here this evening to try and sell you this rather lovely old antique chair on behalf of an absolutely smashing cause of a charity.
01:02:13In actual fact, it is on behalf of those incredibly brave lads of the civil service that in our country's hour of the direst need.
01:02:21They threw down the pen and then they took up the gun and exactly the self-saved chaps are sort of sweating it out and working away in the fields, the factories and the forest in order to keep our glorious flag of empire still flying.
01:02:42You see, you see, you hold in your hands the key, the golden key. Then why don't you turn it and unlock the door to this...
01:02:52Would you frankly mind if I closed the door? There's a heck of a draught.
01:02:56Thank you, sir. Or wouldn't you rather that we all went forth together, united as one, and put a new road to other practices?
01:03:04Shall then your generous impulses go handcuffed? Will you be mocked at? Mocked at in a pillory of shame?
01:03:14No, my friends, not whilst the milk of human kindness flows in your veins.
01:03:19God, you see, in our shipyards today, we are trying to build a mighty new vessel of steel.
01:03:26Then let us launch it and watch it slide slowly down the slipway towards the ocean.
01:03:33The ocean, the ocean, with all it, it...
01:03:41Shall then, shall then this great ship of steel move rudderless through the turbulent narrows of fortune?
01:03:47Or wouldn't you rather put your hands to the plough and guide it along the street?
01:03:53And then...
01:03:59I believe it was someone who said,
01:04:00Stone walls do not the prison make, nor the iron bars the cage.
01:04:04Then look, look into the mirror.
01:04:06Ah!
01:04:08And comb out, comb out of the tangled web of political apathy.
01:04:12And as for the shreds of despair, pass them off.
01:04:15Then let the great music of adoration pluck, pluck at the heartstrings.
01:04:19And with one, the cold, clear, clarion call!
01:04:24Just make, make a desperate bid for...
01:04:26Oh, with three shillings, I thank you very much indeed.
01:04:49Everything's going fine in there. The professors run at the back of the stage.
01:04:56As soon as he comes out...
01:04:58Get him.
01:04:59Right.
01:05:01Now, where's Stanton? Is clothes ready?
01:05:03Oh, yes, already behind the screen.
01:05:04He goes out first and makes his opening spiel, then I have his first change already.
01:05:08Good, fine.
01:05:09Oh, there he is now.
01:05:12Okay.
01:05:13Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
01:05:19It gives me the greatest pleasure to present to you this evening
01:05:22a character sketch in which I play no fewer than ten different characters in as many minutes.
01:05:27In civilian life, I played this sketch before all the crowned heads of Europe,
01:05:31and I hope sincerely it gives you as much pleasure as it gave them.
01:05:35We start with that great character from history, Cyrano de Bergerac.
01:05:40Mr. Bergerac.
01:05:41Mr. Bergerac.
01:05:43Mr. Bergerac.
01:05:44Mr. Bergerac.
01:05:46I hope we heard you came too soon.
01:05:48Let's go.
01:06:05Ah!
01:06:06Mr. Bergerac.
01:06:07Pools who think to taunt me that my nose,
01:06:10this nose that grows like some enchanted rose
01:06:13from out the earthy contours of my face,
01:06:16is something to be mocked.
01:06:18Has it not grace?
01:06:19What other nose than this can boast such strength,
01:06:23such grandeur, such enormity, such length?
01:06:27My tears of gratitude for such a one
01:06:29stand trembling in my eyes but do not run,
01:06:32aghast at such a journey.
01:06:34Mr. Grant, for 20 quid,
01:06:36he's got a copper with him.
01:06:37I'm getting out of here, come on.
01:06:39The shadow of my nose
01:06:40and when I clasp the maiden in my arms,
01:06:44blind to my nose,
01:06:46for I have other charms,
01:06:47should she then start for fear
01:06:48someone's behind some peeping tom,
01:06:51I say to ease her mind, fear not,
01:06:54tis but this that's breathing down your back,
01:06:57the nose of Cyrano de Bergerac.
01:07:01So, now you stop there and wait for the crooks
01:07:08and I'll go upstairs and look for Carol.
01:07:11Okay?
01:07:11Right.
01:07:11Okay.
01:07:21Whoa!
01:07:21Whoa!
01:07:23Whoa!
01:07:23Whoa!
01:07:24Whoa!
01:07:24Whoa!
01:07:33God, thank you, dear.
01:07:34Let's go.
01:08:04Come here.
01:08:34Come on.
01:08:36I'll charge you for a bear-skin rug.
01:08:38No!
01:08:40No!
01:08:42No!
01:08:44No!
01:08:46No!
01:08:48No!
01:08:50No!
01:08:52No!
01:08:54No!
01:08:56No!
01:08:58No!
01:09:00No!
01:09:02No!
01:09:08No!
01:09:10No!
01:09:12No!
01:09:18No!
01:09:20No!
01:09:22No!
01:09:25No!
01:09:26You!
01:09:28I'm gonna go, come on.
01:09:34Where is he?
01:09:35Here I am.
01:09:37Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:09:42No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:09:43No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:09:45No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:09:50Excuse me, sir.
01:09:52I'm looking for a man named Joe.
01:09:53A little Welsh fellow.
01:09:55He's stolen twenty pounds by.
01:09:56Let's see if he gets ten years.
01:09:58Ten years is a long time, isn't it?
01:10:00Ten years is a long time, is that?
01:10:02Ah, my.
01:10:03Name was George, you see?
01:10:04Yes, right.
01:10:05Walsh, you see?
01:10:06Yes.
01:10:07Well, I'll sit out of him, I'll tell this.
01:10:09Try the glass.
01:10:10All right.
01:10:13It's all right, Professor.
01:10:14I've got the formula back and I've given it to the CO.
01:10:16I've got the Professor.
01:10:17Harry!
01:10:18Jones?
01:10:19Well, where's the real Professor?
01:10:21Upstairs, I suppose.
01:10:22Everybody else is.
01:10:28Oh!
01:10:29Well done, lads.
01:10:30Well done.
01:10:31So they were the spies.
01:10:32What shall we do with them?
01:10:33Take my advice and leave them where they are.
01:10:35Down, lads.
01:10:36Well done.
01:10:37So they were the spies.
01:10:38Yeah.
01:10:39What shall we do with them?
01:10:40Take my advice and leave them where they are.
01:10:42Down, go home.
01:10:46Down.
01:10:47Down above the dead man.
01:10:50Let them fly.
01:11:05Boom!
01:11:06That hair.
01:11:07Now.
01:11:08There are already so much on you.
01:11:12No, these are the same ones.
01:11:18While you are naked and the other side of the body, you're dead.
01:11:21As I 삼 around here, I'm curing them no further.
01:11:23And I'm gonna need to show you how to breathe.
01:11:26Amen.
01:11:27Oh, really innych.
01:11:28There already seems really good.
01:11:30Alright.
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