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NewsTranscript
00:00But you realize, you know, that your life changes when you become a parent.
00:03There are a few defining moments.
00:05One of the moments for me was when my wife walked into the room wearing cabbage leaves.
00:12Some of the people know what I'm talking about.
00:15For those of you who don't know, when a mother breastfeeds,
00:18one of the side effects of breastfeeding is called breast engorgement.
00:22And it's very, very painful.
00:24And one of the natural remedies for this is wearing cabbage leaves.
00:28Because it soothes it.
00:30And when I saw this, I realized my life would never be the same again.
00:34Because I'm used to wearing the Senza Temptations.
00:37Now she's buying large array from fruit and veg sativa.
00:47And I'm what they call a whipped husband people.
00:52Right?
00:54But not whipped in a good way.
00:55I mean, with the leather, you know.
01:00You've been a naughty boy.
01:02Now for me, I'm whipped as in I listen to my wife.
01:07For me, it's more like 50 shades of obedience.
01:10You know what I'm talking about?
01:13I'm a victim here, bro.
01:14I'm not like Christian Grey.
01:16I'm Muslim Prey.
01:17That's me.
01:24Riyal, can you get some milk at the shop, please?
01:27Okay, babe.
01:27Okay.
01:28Can I go to the toilet first?
01:29It's a number two.
01:31No.
01:31Okay.
01:32Yeah.
01:32No.
01:33That's my wife there.
01:34No.
01:34Okay.
01:35Yes.
01:36I'll knip.
01:36I'll knip.
01:37I'll knip.
01:38I'll first go get milk at the shop.
01:42The milk is more important.
01:43In Islam, we say marriage is half of your iman or half of your faith.
01:49Okay.
01:49It doesn't mean you get married and all of a sudden you get 50% of your faith.
01:54I got married now.
01:55I got 50% of my iman or 50% of my faith.
02:03Take a second wife, 100% of my faith.
02:09We're allowed four.
02:10I could potentially have 200% surplus faith if my calculations are correct.
02:16It doesn't mean that.
02:18It means negotiating life successfully as a married couple is challenging.
02:22You know, you got to live for the other person.
02:23Everybody has disagreements.
02:26But it's my view that in a happy marriage, you got to know how to argue with your partner.
02:30You know, when we weren't as happy in our marriage, this is how we used to argue.
02:40Not as happy in our marriage.
02:41Now we're super happy in our marriage.
02:42This is how we argue.
02:43Okay, you're right.
03:01You're right.
03:02This is a good point.
03:10For me, the scoring system in a marriage argument is just like the scoring system in tennis.
03:15You got to lose to get love.
03:17You know what I mean?
03:23But seriously, people, you know, there's a special kind of love that develops after 15 years of marriage.
03:30It's a special kind of love.
03:31You see it in the eyes of your partner.
03:33Special kind of mohobbit.
03:35Special kind of love.
03:37It's almost like hate.
03:38That loving hatred.
03:47I will die for you, but I will kill you first.
03:55You know, when eating becomes a problem, a normal human biological function, do you really need to eat like that?
04:07Because I'm going to be honest with you people.
04:08I tend to make a little sound when I eat.
04:10You know, just a little sound.
04:14Which can be the source of contention in many a marriage.
04:18Just a gentle sound.
04:21I keep my mouth closed most of the time.
04:23But you see, I've got a sinus problem.
04:26So at some point, I have to open my mouth.
04:29Otherwise, I'll suffocate.
04:31Creating the ever so insignificant.
04:36Just a gentle wistful.
04:38But whenever I do it, my wife's always like,
04:41I can't even eat Pringles in my own house.
04:51You know, when you're sitting next to each other, watching the TV, you know, eating the Pringles.
04:58Help, help, help, help, help, help.
05:01You know, even if you keep your mouth closed, the sound of Pringles travels through the jawbone
05:06to irritate your significant other.
05:10Help, help, help.
05:11You know, you eat like a cow.
05:12You eat like a cow.
05:15Well, I am a moose.
05:17I am a moose.
05:26You know, and part of the charm of the Pringles is the crunchiness of the Pringles.
05:31That's why we enjoy it.
05:32The texture, the crunchiness is enjoyable.
05:35But I can't eat Pringles like, eh?
05:37You know I can't eat Pringles after 15 years of marriage in my own house.
05:42I'm going to take the whole Pringle, put it in my mouth, and let it dissolve.
05:45Is this right?
05:59My wife on the other hand, she doesn't put a seatbelt on immediately when she gets in the car.
06:04Because you've got more important things to do before she puts on a seatbelt.
06:07And I get in the car, out.
06:09But she's got important things to do, and I don't want to impose my sense of urgency on her
06:13in this patriarchal, male-dominated society.
06:16I want to give the opportunity to make decisions for herself,
06:19because I respect the decision-making capabilities as a life partner.
06:23Hashtag Me Too Ladies.
06:28But you know what that means, right?
06:30That means we're driving, it's like...
06:32Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
06:48Baby, you want to put on your seatbelt?
06:49Stop rushing me.
06:50You're always rushing me.
06:53I'll do it now.
06:54I just want to read this dua on WhatsApp quickly.
06:56i don't know why you're carrying on in any case it's not that irritating
07:04she says that's not irritating that ting is not irritating but when i eat
07:10that's a problem let me tell you something that ting sound was designed specifically by very
07:20intelligent german engineers to be irritating to the human auditory mechanism and you think
07:26that sound is fine but the sound that your husband of 15 years and the father of your
07:31four beautiful children has to make in order to continue to be alive
07:35that is intolerable ding ding ding she doesn't want to put on a seatbelt i want to change the
07:47thing to go
07:48but it's important now guys that i choose to be this way i choose to be this way in this era of
08:03evolving gender dynamics i choose to be this way my wife is not forcing me to do anything
08:08that i don't want to do of my own free will
08:12of my own internal compass and volition
08:17she told me to make that clear to people she told me
08:22i'm a man i'm not scared of my wife okay i'm scared she's here she's here no i'm not scared i'm not
08:36scared my lovely wife for that i'm not scared only when it's justifiably so when men we do stupid
08:42things sometimes unintentionally a primitive male brains that's just how it functions like just say for
08:50instance you send to the shop to get milk right guys that's a very common male errand can you get
08:55some milk at the shop okay then you go to the shop to get milk and then you have a male idea
09:01while i'm at the shop buying the milk why don't i buy some other miscellaneous items
09:06that's of necessity in the home while i'm buying the book right so you buy a whole lot of items
09:11come home like a professor forget the milk make some noise if you know any mother idiot men like me
09:29and i'm so self-involved i didn't even realize i forgot the book
09:33and then my wife calls from the other one hey where's the mug huh that's where my sphincter loosens
09:45what's the book not there
09:49are you sure and i'm not good at lying on the spot hey if i think about it i can come up with something
09:55no babe i went to the shop to get milk but they were out of milk so i was going to go to another shop
09:59but then i saw it was almost maghrib right almost time for the evening prayer so i thought i'd come
10:03home and pray for your health and well-being our children's health and well-being and i'm done
10:07with it i'm gonna go out and get the milk can i get you that hazelnut chocolate not bad right
10:14that's not me under pressure bruh oh under pressure i'm like oh they discontinued milk
10:21i'm gonna keep the light going because you see there was a drought in cape town right yeah
10:30because the drought the cows got dehydrated yeah because of the dehydration i don't even understand
10:35cow physiology they couldn't produce sufficient lactation output right so for the time being
10:42they don't shoot the messenger brother that too false to discontinue milk
10:50yeah i don't ask get almond milk
10:57yeah yeah even the almond cows even the almond cows
11:03the dehydrator the almond cows the soya cows the oat cows
11:07my wife doesn't play that bruh my wife comes into the room like liam neeson from the movie taken
11:17my beautiful wife walked into the room like a six foot seven american irish bruh freaking the
11:23heck out of you i don't know who you think you are i was a breastfeeding mother of four
11:32i have a particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you now if you go to
11:38the shop and get the milk that'll be the end of it no harm will come to you but if you don't
11:46i will look for you i will find you and i will move you
11:58i'm still getting the milk can i ping from the first time still
12:03can i ping but you got to do things you don't want to do when you're married because it's about
12:12balance you complete each other got to do things you don't want to do to be supportive like i hate
12:19shopping but i hate shopping but i was a designated chopper during pandemic and to deal first hand
12:33with those mother you know foot pedal sanitizers you know those things
12:38was it just me because especially in the beginning those were the most ineffective contraptions
12:49they never functioned correctly bro and i never understood that because at home when you have a
12:54dispenser usually it shoots out with power with velocity with gusto like a teenager into a sock
13:02it's a caram one let's move on let's move on don't explain that to the aunties don't explain it
13:17but the foot pedal sanitizers like slide down like an old man with a prostate problem like
13:24this thing looked like it got co-morbidities how is this supposed to protect me from covert
13:35then i have to deal with the woolies next customer please next customer please mother jude please
13:46i hate woolies because you know why they ask stupid questions to men brah
13:53there's a question they always ask two men they should be trained not to ask this question
13:58because our primitive unprepared male brains should never be asked this question it's unnecessary
14:06because you put down 73 different items on the counter brah and this thief
14:13do you need a bag
14:29there's enough stuff up here for me to go on expedition up kilimanjaro so no i don't need a bag
14:37actually i juggle i juggle why suffer the inconvenience of a carrier bag when i can walk out
14:51but i don't say that out loud out loud i'm like yes i need a bag thank you
14:57you take your knife
15:04even though in truth in the boot of my car i've got 379 fabric bags
15:15that my wife put in there for this very purpose and she reminded me riyad before you go into the
15:22woolworths take the woolworths take the fabric bag out she texted me riyad before you go to the woolworths
15:29take the fabric back out she gave me a voice note before you go to the woolworths
15:36take the mother
15:39fabric bag out and do i do that no and do i quickly run outside and get the bag quickly are you just
15:50are you just in fact bring back plastic bags okay bring it back i know it's bad for the environment
15:59but for my comfort i don't care if a turtle has to die
16:08i don't mean this see i don't mean any of this but i don't know what's going on with me
16:13it is so angry you know you got to be supportive i want to be a good guy you know that's why i try
16:20and support my wife she enjoys shopping or she used to enjoy shopping she's one of the women that
16:25enjoys shopping you know you can't sexist to say women enjoy shopping you know but she's a woman who
16:31just happens to enjoy that because like there are i'm sure there are many women that don't enjoy shopping
16:36right i've never seen them but i'm sure there's many but she happens to be one of the women when
16:42they walk into a mall it's like a disney movie
16:56excitement potential enthusiasm and just behind the wife you see the husband looking just as enthusiastic
17:06is there a place for me to sit down
17:26i think i have no places for me to sit down
17:29you always ask the same question how long you gonna be
17:33i just want to go to the vodicom shop quickly yeah because the problem with my huawei phone
17:40yeah huawei if my huawei yeah that's how you pronounce it yeah i didn't know you pronounce it
17:45huawei yeah i know you spell it huawei
17:52but you pronounce it huawei riyad riyad you always want to go somewhere you're always on the move
17:59don't you just want to be present for once that's the buzzword don't you just want to be present
18:06don't you just want to spend time with me don't you just want to be present
18:11yeah i want to be present we can't be present here by the vodicom shop please
18:31problem with my huawei phone you know because women you just want us to be there as support just in
18:37case just be there just be there just in case i need you as support just be there just in case
18:43just in case you don't need to offer solutions to my problems just let's share the expression
18:48of our problems we'll just express our problems together even if the problem is you you just have
18:53to express and we'll share it together enjoying the experience of expressing the problems about you
19:00together and just being there as a support if i need you and i want to be supportive bruh i want
19:06to be supportive that's why i'm one of the husbands that hold the handbag in the mall right i see my
19:13brothers are there dude like the ogs they have no idea about this thing but the ogs didn't even have
19:20the expectation of holding the bag right my generation some of us we have the expectation not
19:26everybody did but we have the expectation to hold the bag and then the new generation got their own
19:33handbags but i hate holding the bag i hate holding the bag i do it but i hate it but i do it why you
19:48know because i want to be supportive and i hate it because i don't know as a man how to hold the
19:53bloody bag nobody told me everything is uncomfortable because you can't look too comfortable
20:11my wife is always buttering me up don't worry the yard you must superhero oh what
20:27what kind of superhero one of the x-men i'm like oh wolverine no no caitlin jenner
20:41there's a band so i want to be supportive so i don't mind holding the handbag but here's where
20:50i draw the line ladies please be compassionate to your husband or your boyfriend don't make us look
20:59inside your bloody handbag you don't realize our primitive male brains
21:07are not equipped to deal with the celestial vortex
21:14that is a lady's handbag especially like a mother of four handbag the amount of stuff you can
21:21fit in that thing defies the laws of physics i think the secret to the black hole exists inside
21:30a lady's handbag you know men we're simple right wallets keys cell phone wallets keys cell phone
21:40everything that's important to us is in this region over here
21:44so don't make us look inside the bank don't do it to us bro you know my wife is always like
21:58ryan can you just check for my cell phone in the bank please
22:01okay i'm gonna work myself up okay bruh you're gonna go in there bruh ryan no fear no fear you're gonna go in there no fear you're a man
22:14so much receipts in here bruh hair clips hair ties moisturizer how moist you need to be sanitizer
22:30tissues used and unused loose nappies sweets from spur
22:37uh ocean baskets and then just one compartment one compartment brother other compartment battery
22:46charger cell phone wire inverter for load shedding
22:53babe check i can't believe this i haven't seen this for so long babe check my balls
22:58i'm just gonna keep them okay okay just one i'll keep one one for me one for you
23:17so i checked for a long time i couldn't find the cell phone right so i responded i was like babe
23:29the cell phone's not here and then she responded with i'm sure you heard this
23:35like i said it first of all like that you know like with pacing my voice i said exactly
23:40cell phone's not here i think it's because i held on to my balls a little bit i think so
23:48and then she responded with you know i'm sure you heard this no riyadh open your eyes
23:57i'm sure i put the cell phone in there no babe check my eyes is open chicken
24:04change of prescription all my contacts everything i check you a long time
24:08so i check under my balls this new cell phone's not here it's not just me that can forget things you can
24:14forget things also we're all getting older and then she responded with very common
24:22i have to do everything myself
24:29and i check for a long time you know husbands and wives get into little tiffs and you want to win
24:34a little argument and i was happy because i was going to win i was going to be right
24:38stop on wasn't dead
24:42wasn't it bruh not even a split second she's like are you blind are you blind
24:51i know she didn't she didn't even look inside she just felt in there like a magician are you
24:58blind
25:08i was like yo bro just take my ball back it's okay just
25:11safer with you in any case
25:27you know you got to do things you don't want to do bruh when you're married
25:33but i went to like try to do something for myself for change i went to buy some shoes you know give
25:41myself some retail therapy to go buy shoes but then i had to deal with the overzealous
25:47shoe salesman you know that bruh
25:53ask me stupid question you want to buy some shoes
25:56no i was hoping to catch athletes foot from the display models
26:06but i don't say that out loud i was like yes i'd like to buy some shoes please
26:13right and then he comes always with one shoe right they always do that come with one shoe
26:18i got two feet bruh i didn't come here like a pirate all right be one a shoe
26:23then you try the shoe on everybody does that weird deer learning to walk to test the effectiveness
26:31of the shoe it's a very important part of the shoe buying ritual but more importantly part of the
26:37shoe buying ritual is pressing on that big toe this is the imperative fundamental part of the shoe buying
26:45ritual now for kids i understand the reason we do this because we have to assess the growth potential
26:52within the confines of the shoe makes perfect sense but for adults my foot has been the same size
26:59for the past 20 years why am i pressing on the big toe and i was buying sandals so i don't even know
27:08i have to do this i have to do this it's a part of the ritual i think i got the ingrown or something
27:24i went to buy shoes and i went to go buy my wife pads for those who are confused by what pads i mean i mean
27:34feminine hygiene of products i wanted to buy the pads right but i've been buying pads for 20 years
27:43and my brain is still in denial when my wife asked me to buy pads right because i don't want to buy
27:50the pads right she's like yeah can you get me some pads please oh must i go to the cna
27:57when i write something down i want pads with a pen and lines and no lines
28:07nobody i'd i'd like
28:09some pads
28:16right and i'm aware of all the details of the pads i've been buying pads for many years
28:21all the indicators on the pads right on side pad box they've got their little droplets
28:31on the side have you seen these droplets on the side some of you have no idea the ogs let me explain
28:37the droplets on the side that indicates the amount of internal tears in the heart of a husband
28:52they have to buy the pads my heart is a heavy flow bro heavy flow
28:59because i put effort into this thing you know get confused in the pad aisle check check the staff
29:06is going and i'm like don't me don't me this is this game not clicks don't me
29:12and on the side of the pad box they see the pads have got wings bruh they're not wings they are flaps
29:23there are no aeronautical capabilities
29:25there are no aeronautical capabilities to the pads i've never seen my kids on the balcony daddy watch
29:42this and there's a cortex
29:48like bro what are you doing at least use a fresh one what hey hey let's just move out bro
29:55that's another caramon just move on
30:00and it doesn't even make sense bro it'd be too heavy you know
30:04it's already slapped by that point
30:11also shopping is crazy if there's one thing that i've learned as a married man right is that women
30:15want shoes and my wife is an olympic level shoe shopper i think i actually don't think it's right for
30:22a person to stretch before they go to the mall
30:33but something comes over right it's like the lord of the rings the minute she picks up the shoe is like
30:38you guys married yeah no like after when you got married
31:09probably with him and i kiss the bride yeah after i got married the only people i got to kiss was
31:15uncles that look like this
31:22smelling of utter and dates
31:26and not just one or two uncles like 50 000
31:29there's no more uncles there i was still going
31:43also we like complaining at our weddings no auntie's sitting there look at the centerpiece here in the
31:49middle of the table
32:02you can't even see the person opposite you
32:05in cape brown we also do similar things like
32:08DJ look at the centerpiece here in the middle of the table too big man
32:13can't even put it in your handbag
32:20even when you first just get married right you know first of all you get slowed down by your
32:24partner you could help your partner maybe get dressed i used to help my wife get dressed i don't
32:28mean like a nurse like you
32:32i used to help her choose to get dressed and i used to hate to do this
32:36because my primitive male brain is not equipped to discern the superiority between the two
32:43things but even though i can't do it i'm ineffective at it i try because i want to be supportive but no
32:51matter what i suggest she always choose the other one
32:59not just sometimes 100 of the time the other day she's like yeah should i have the green dress
33:06or the red dress the green dress or the red dress i'm like the red green
33:11the red the red dress it's like i was hoping for the green one
33:21that's in my brain the outside babe can i talk to you for a minute can i talk to you why you always
33:40do that to a person you always ask me to help you choose and i don't like doing it but i try i don't
33:47like doing it because my primitive male brain is not equipped to deal with discerning because you
33:52only just put the dress like in front of you like it you don't try it on just put it in front and i
34:00must not imagine like men we're not good at imagining women with their clothes on
34:08i don't mean it like that i don't i don't mean like that
34:10and then sometimes put one earring on the one ear another earring on the other ear one two of the
34:19one foot other on the other foot then you just go like this what's better
34:29and i can't do it but i try but no matter what i suggest
34:33you always choose the other one bro but the person's feelings
34:43she's like no riyadh i appreciate you know that i appreciate you from the bottom of my heart
34:50i appreciate you my love but you know you don't always make the best choices
34:55like i chose you
35:03i didn't say that loud are you mad i'm still here bruh i'm still here
35:07you have to band together right against the kids marriage is about balance you're supposed to
35:27complete each other it's about balance like for example the things that i don't do well my wife
35:32does well and the things that i do well she does bitter so it's
35:45you
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