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Category
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NewsTranscript
00:00:00Assalamu alaikum!
00:00:19I can see some of you hit yourself over there, bruh. It's okay.
00:00:24So nice to be here. I can't believe I'm live here, bruh. I'm live!
00:00:28Two years ago, all my gigs were cancelled suddenly.
00:00:32And people are like, but don't worry, you're a medical doctor.
00:00:35At least you have medicine to fall back on.
00:00:38The only problem with that is, I haven't done medicine in nearly 20 years.
00:00:44So I'm pretty sure my advice is going to be cutting edge.
00:00:48Doctor, I got coronavirus. You must wrap Vicks, bruh.
00:00:52Wrap the Vicks.
00:00:53My oxygen saturation is dropping Zambac.
00:00:57Love the Zambac.
00:01:01You know what's funny? Some of the Indian aunties are going,
00:01:03Yeah, yeah, Vicks is very good for coronavirus. Very good.
00:01:07Come for me, Corona. Come for me.
00:01:12I was irritating during the pandemic. I'm telling you, for my wife, my poor wife had to deal with this malachi for two years.
00:01:22No break. You know, because I like to do voices, right?
00:01:27Do impersonations from morning till night.
00:01:30I'm doing this character from the movie Rounders called Teddy KGB.
00:01:33I don't know if anyone's seen that movie.
00:01:36But I'm walking around the whole day.
00:01:37He beat me.
00:01:39Straight up.
00:01:40Pay him.
00:01:41Pay that man his money.
00:01:45I'm an educated individual.
00:01:49Medical doctor, father of four, walking around the house, talking into a hairbrush.
00:01:55He beat me. Pay him.
00:01:58Pay that man his money.
00:02:00I'm an educated man.
00:02:02I'm a doctor, bruh!
00:02:03A real doctor.
00:02:04Not a dentist.
00:02:05A real...
00:02:12A real doctor.
00:02:14Walking around to my grand.
00:02:15Gran, he beat me.
00:02:16Pay him.
00:02:17Pay that man his money.
00:02:20My grand's like, Riyad, you make more noise than the children, Riyad.
00:02:25You know, I sometimes catch my father looking at me with disappointment.
00:02:30You are paid so much money for this brat to be a doctor.
00:02:34Now you act like an outpatient.
00:02:40Even the domestic worker had trouble.
00:02:42You know, she's busy vacuuming, you know?
00:02:44I come up there with my voices.
00:02:45Ha ha, ha ha.
00:02:46My name is Mickey Mouse.
00:02:48Meeska, Mooska.
00:02:49You missed the spot.
00:02:51Ha ha, ha ha.
00:02:52What do you think, Donald?
00:02:53What's the bitch out there, mother boy?
00:02:56She's like, shhhh.
00:03:01Fasana.
00:03:02You know, I heard her talking to my wife Fasana.
00:03:05Fasana, can I talk to you for a bit about Riyadh?
00:03:08He likes to talk to himself.
00:03:12Is he okay?
00:03:14Or is he a bit touched?
00:03:17And my wife didn't go, no, he's a comedian.
00:03:19And he used these funny voices to create hilarious scenarios
00:03:23for entertainment to distract people from the chaotic aspect of life?
00:03:28No.
00:03:29She was like, yeah, he doesn't want to take his tablets, yeah.
00:03:35You must make doa for him, pray for him.
00:03:38And I didn't even defend myself.
00:03:39I just burst in there.
00:03:41He beat me, pay him.
00:03:46Pay that man, his money.
00:03:48And I'm, I'm what they call, a whipped husband peep.
00:03:53Right?
00:03:54But not whipped in a good way.
00:03:57I mean, with the leather, you know.
00:04:00You've been a naughty boy.
00:04:03Now for me, I'm whipped as in I listen to my wife.
00:04:07For me, it's more like 50 shades of obedience.
00:04:09You know what I'm talking about?
00:04:12I'm a victim here, bruh.
00:04:14I'm not like Christian Grey, I'm Muslim Prey.
00:04:17That's me.
00:04:24Ria, can you get some milk at the shop, please?
00:04:26Okay, babe, okay.
00:04:27Can I go to the toilet first?
00:04:28Is it number two?
00:04:30No, okay.
00:04:31Yeah, no.
00:04:32That's my wife then, no.
00:04:33Okay.
00:04:34Yes, I'll, I'll knape, I'll knape.
00:04:36I'll knape.
00:04:37I'll first go get milk at the shop.
00:04:40The milk is more important.
00:04:44But it's important now, guys, that I choose to be this way.
00:04:47I choose to be this way.
00:04:48In this era of evolving gender dynamics, I choose to be this way.
00:04:52My wife is not forcing me to do anything that I don't want to do of my own free will.
00:04:59Of my own internal compass and volition.
00:05:03She, she told me to make that clear to you people.
00:05:06She told me.
00:05:12But it's true, bruh.
00:05:13I'm a man.
00:05:14I'm not scared of my wife.
00:05:17Okay, I'm scared.
00:05:18She's here.
00:05:19She's here.
00:05:20No, I'm not scared.
00:05:21I'm not scared.
00:05:22My lovely wife.
00:05:23I'm not scared.
00:05:24Justifiably so.
00:05:25When men, we do stupid things sometimes.
00:05:29Unintentionally.
00:05:30Our primitive male brains, that's just how it functions.
00:05:33Like just, say for instance, you sent to the shop to get milk.
00:05:36Right?
00:05:37Guys, that's a very common male errand.
00:05:39Can you get some milk at the shop?
00:05:40Okay.
00:05:41Then you go to the shop to get milk.
00:05:42And then you have a male idea.
00:05:44Ping!
00:05:45While I'm at the shop buying the milk.
00:05:46Why don't I buy some other miscellaneous items.
00:05:49That's of necessity in the home.
00:05:51While I'm buying the milk.
00:05:53Right?
00:05:54So you buy a whole lot of items.
00:05:59Come home.
00:06:00Like a professor.
00:06:02Forget the milk.
00:06:05Make some noise if you know any mother idiot men like me.
00:06:12And I'm so self-involved.
00:06:13I didn't even realize I forgot the milk.
00:06:16And then my wife calls from the other room.
00:06:18Hi!
00:06:19Where's the milk?
00:06:20Huh?
00:06:21That's when my sphincter loosens.
00:06:27Was the milk not there?
00:06:31Are you sure?
00:06:33And I'm not good at lying on the spot.
00:06:35If I think about it, I can come up with something.
00:06:37No, babe.
00:06:38I went to the shop to get milk.
00:06:39But they were out of milk.
00:06:40So I was going to go to another shop.
00:06:41But then I saw it was almost Maghrib.
00:06:42Right?
00:06:43Almost time for the evening prayer.
00:06:44So I thought I'd come home and pray for your health and well-being.
00:06:47Our children's health and well-being.
00:06:48And I'm done with it.
00:06:49I'm going to go out and get the milk.
00:06:50Can I get you that hazelnut chocolate?
00:06:54Not bad, right?
00:06:55That's not me under pressure, bruh.
00:06:57Under pressure, I'm like...
00:07:00They discontinued milk.
00:07:07Gotta keep the light going.
00:07:08Because you see there was a drought in Cape Town.
00:07:10Right?
00:07:11Yeah.
00:07:12Because the drought, the cows got dehydrated.
00:07:13Yeah.
00:07:14Because of the dehydration.
00:07:15I don't even understand cow physiology.
00:07:16They couldn't produce sufficient lactation output.
00:07:20Right?
00:07:21For the time being, they don't shoot the messenger, bruh.
00:07:24They had to.
00:07:25Force to.
00:07:26Discontinue.
00:07:27Milk.
00:07:28Yeah.
00:07:29They had to ask get almond milk.
00:07:31Yeah, yeah.
00:07:32Even the almond cows.
00:07:33Even the almond cows.
00:07:34Even the almond cows.
00:07:35Dehydrated.
00:07:36The almond cows.
00:07:37The soya cows.
00:07:38The oat cows.
00:07:39My wife doesn't play that, bruh.
00:07:40My wife comes into the room like Liam Neeson from the movie Taken.
00:07:41My beautiful wife walks into the room like a 6 foot 7 American Irish, bruh.
00:07:42Freaking the heck out of you.
00:07:51I don't know who you think you are.
00:07:53I was a breastfeeding mother of four.
00:07:56wife walked into the room like a six foot seven american irish bra freaking the heck out of you
00:08:04i don't know who you think you are i was a breastfeeding mother of four i have a particular
00:08:10set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you now if you go to the shop and get the
00:08:16milk that'll be the end of it no harm will come to you but if you don't i will look for you
00:08:24i will find you and i will move you
00:08:35i'm still getting the milk knaping from the first time still
00:08:43but you got to do things you don't want to do when you're married because it's about balance
00:08:48you complete each other got to do things you don't want to do to be supportive like i hate shopping
00:08:55but i was a designated chopper during pandemic i had to deal first hand with those mother
00:09:10you know foot pedal sanitizers you know those things
00:09:12was it just me because especially in the beginning those were the most ineffective contraptions
00:09:23they never functioned correctly bro and i never understood that because at home when you have a
00:09:28dispenser usually it shoots out with power with velocity with gusto like a teenager into a sock
00:09:36it's a caram one let's move on let's move on don't explain that to the aunties don't explain it
00:09:50but the foot pedal sanitizers like slide down like an old man with a prostate problem like
00:09:57this thing looked like it got co-morbidities how is this supposed to protect me from covert
00:10:08then i have to deal with the woolies next customer please next customer please mother jude please
00:10:18i hate woolies because you know why they ask stupid questions to men bruh there's a question
00:10:25they always ask two men they should be trained not to ask this question because our primitive
00:10:31unprepared male brains should never be asked this question it's unnecessary because you put down 73
00:10:40different items on the counter and this thief
00:10:48do you need a bag
00:10:55there's enough stuff up here for me to go on expedition up kilimanjaro so no i don't need a bag
00:11:07actually i juggle i juggle why suffer the inconvenience of a carrier bag when i can walk out
00:11:15but i don't say that out loud out loud i'm like yes i need a bag thank you
00:11:32even though in truth in the boot of my car
00:11:37i've got 379 fabric bags that my wife put in there for this very purpose and she reminded me
00:11:48riyad before you go into the walworth take the fabric bag out she texted me riyad before you go to the
00:11:56walworth take the fabric back out she gave me a voice note before you go to the walworth take the mother
00:12:04fabric bag out and do i do that no and do i quickly run outside and get the bag quickly are you just are you just
00:12:20in fact bring back plastic bags okay bring it back i know it's bad for the environment but for
00:12:26my comfort i don't care if a turtle has to die
00:12:35i don't mean this see i don't mean any of this but i don't know what's going on with me
00:12:40getting so angry you know you've got to be supportive i want to be a good guy you know that's
00:12:46why i try and support my wife she enjoys shopping or she used to enjoy shopping she's one of the women
00:12:50that enjoy shopping you know you can't sexist to say women enjoy shopping you know but she's a woman
00:12:56who just happens to enjoy that because like there are i'm sure there are many women that don't enjoy
00:13:01shopping right i've never seen them but i'm sure there's many but she happens to be one of the women
00:13:06where they walk into a mall it's like a disney movie excitement potential enthusiasm and just behind
00:13:25the wife you usually see the husband looking just as enthusiastic
00:13:43is there a place for me to sit down
00:13:49i think i've no places for me to sit down
00:13:52always ask the same question how long you gonna be
00:13:57because i just want to go to the vodicom shop quickly
00:14:00yeah because there's a problem with my huawei phone
00:14:02yeah huawei my huawei yeah that's how you pronounce it yeah i didn't know you pronounce it
00:14:07huawei yeah i know you spell it huawei
00:14:14but you pronounce it huawei
00:14:16Riyad Riyad you always want to go somewhere you're always on the move
00:14:20don't you just want to be present for once that's the buzzword don't you just want to be present
00:14:27don't you just want to spend time with me don't you just want to be present
00:14:32yeah i want to be present we're going to be present here by the vodicom shop please
00:14:51problem with my huawei phone you know because women you just want us to be there as support just in
00:14:57case just be there just be there just in case i need you as support just be there just in case
00:15:02just in case you don't need to offer solutions to my problems just let's share the expression
00:15:07of our problems we'll just express our problems together even if the problem is you you just have
00:15:12to express and we'll share it together enjoying the experience of expressing the problems about you
00:15:19together and just being there as the support if i need you and i want to be supportive bruh
00:15:24i want to be supportive that's why i'm one of the husbands that hold the handbag in the mall bruh
00:15:31right i see my brothers are there dude like the ogs they have no idea about this thing bruh
00:15:37the ogs didn't even have the expectation of holding the bag right my generation some of us we have the
00:15:44expectation not everybody did but we have the expectation to hold the bag and then the new
00:15:48generation got their own handbags but i hate holding the bag i hate holding the bag i do it but i hate it
00:16:04but i do it why you know because i want to be supportive but i hate it because i don't know as a man
00:16:09how to hold the bloody bag nobody told me everything is uncomfortable because you can't look too
00:16:19comfortable
00:16:23my wife is always buttering me up don't worry riyad you my superhero oh what what kind of superhero
00:16:45one of the x-men i'm like oh wolverine no no caitlin jenner
00:16:53so i want to be supportive so i don't mind holding the handbag but here's where i draw the line
00:17:07ladies please be compassionate to your husband or your boyfriend don't make us look inside
00:17:13your bloody handbag you don't realize our primitive male brains are not equipped to deal with the
00:17:24celestial vortex that is a lady's handbag especially like a mother of four handbag the amount of stuff you
00:17:34can fit in that thing defies the laws of physics i think the secret to the black hole exists inside
00:17:44a lady's handbag you know men we simple right wallets keys cell phone wallets keys cell phone
00:17:53everything that's important to us everything that's important to us is in this region of wherever
00:18:04so don't make us look inside the bag don't do it to us bro you know my wife is always like
00:18:10ryan can you just check for my cell phone in the bag please
00:18:12okay i'm gonna go in there bro ryan no fear no fear you're gonna go in there no fear you're a man
00:18:25so much receipts in here hair clips hair ties moisturizer how moist you need to be sanitizer
00:18:41tissues used and unused loose nappies sweets from spur ocean basket and then just one compartment
00:18:53one compartment other compartment battery charger cell phone wire inverter for load shedding
00:19:02babe check i can't believe this i haven't seen this for so long babe check my balls
00:19:15my balls
00:19:19i'm just gonna keep them okay okay just one i'll keep one
00:19:24one for me one for you
00:19:31so i checked for a long time i couldn't find
00:19:34the cell phone right so i responded i was like babe the cell phone's not here
00:19:40and then she responded with i'm sure you heard this
00:19:43like i said it first of all like that you know like with pacing my voice i said exactly
00:19:47clothes cell phone's not here i think it's because i held onto my balls a little bit i think so
00:19:55and then she responded with you know i'm sure you heard this no riyadh open your eyes
00:20:00i'm sure i put the cell phone in there no babe check my eyes is open
00:20:08change your prescription all my contacts everything i check you a long time
00:20:14cell phone i check under my balls it's new cell phone's not here it's not just me that can forget
00:20:19things you can forget things also we're all getting older and then she responded with very common
00:20:26i have to do everything myself
00:20:34and i checked for a long time you know husbands and wives get into little tiffs and you want to win
00:20:40a little argument and i was happy because i was gonna win i was gonna be right
00:20:43stop and wasn't dead wasn't it bruh not even a split second she's like are you blind are you blind
00:20:56i know she didn't she didn't even look inside she just felt in there like a magician are you blind
00:21:05i was like yo bro just take my ball back it's okay just take it
00:21:23safer with you in any case
00:21:24you know you got to do things you don't want to do bruh when you're married
00:21:37but i went to like try to do something for myself for change i went to buy some shoes
00:21:43you know give myself some retail therapy go buy shoes but then i had to deal
00:21:48with an overzealous shoe salesman you know that bro
00:21:55ask me stupid question you want to buy some shoes
00:21:59no i was hoping to catch athletes foot from the display models
00:22:08but i don't say that out loud i was like yes i'd like buy some shoes please
00:22:12all right and then he comes always with one shoe right they always do that come with one shoe
00:22:19i got two feet bruh i didn't come here like a pirate i'd be wanting a shoe
00:22:25then you try the shoe on everybody does that weird deer learning to walk to test the effectiveness of
00:22:32the shoe it's a very important part of the shoe buying ritual but more importantly part of the shoe
00:22:38buying ritual is pressing on that big toe this is the imperative fundamental part of the shoe buying
00:22:45ritual now for kids i understand the reason we do this because we have to assess the growth potential
00:22:51within the confines of the shoe makes perfect sense but for adults my foot has been the same size
00:22:59for the past 20 years why am i pressing on the big toe and i was buying sandals so i don't even know
00:23:11i have to do this it's a part of the ritual
00:23:15ain't that so i think i got the ingrown or something
00:23:18i went to buy shoes and i went to go buy my wife pads for those who are confused by what pads i mean
00:23:31i mean feminine hygiene of products i wanted to buy the pads bruh right but i've been buying
00:23:39pads for 20 years and my brain is still in denial when my wife asked me to buy pads right because i don't
00:23:47want to buy the pads right she's like riyadh can you get me some pads please oh must i go to the cna
00:23:56when i write something down i want pads with a pen and lines and no lines
00:24:04no riyadh i'd like
00:24:06some pads
00:24:12right and i'm aware of all the details of the pads
00:24:15i've been buying pads for many years all the indicators on the pads right on the side of the
00:24:20pad box they've got their little droplets
00:24:26on the side have you seen these droplets on the side some of you have no idea the ogs let me
00:24:32explain the droplets on the side that indicates the amount of internal tears in the heart of a husband
00:24:45they have to buy the pads my heart has a heavy flow bruh heavy flow
00:24:54because i put effort into this thing you know get confused in the pad aisle check check the staff is
00:25:00going and i'm like don't me don't me this is diskim not clicks don't me
00:25:06and on the side of the pad box they see the pads have got wings bruh they're not wings and they are
00:25:15flaps there are no aeronautical capabilities to the pads they're flaps you don't do this
00:25:21they have no aeronautical capabilities to the pads i've never seen my kids on the balcony daddy watch
00:25:34this and there's a cortex
00:25:41like bro what are you doing at least use a fresh one what hey hey let's just move out bruh
00:25:47that's another caramon just move on
00:25:52and it doesn't even make sense bruh it'd be too heavy you know it's already flat by that point
00:25:59now when you're walking back right from the shopping mall then you walk back to your car
00:26:09right and you have to deal with those mothers those idiots those pupils those tourists looking for parking
00:26:19and i hate the people looking for parking because they act so creepy bruh you know those bruh
00:26:24so you're just walking back to your car mind your own business and then there's a brat in this huge suv following you
00:26:41and you get to the car right and then you have to deal with that mime through the car window he's like
00:26:54and i'm always like no i'm not gonna leave i'm just getting something from the car you know your mouth i'm
00:27:07just getting something from the car it's all sad
00:27:11so now wait for the bra to go around the corner then i leave
00:27:31no actually don't do that bro but i think of doing that and it makes me feel bad that i actually think
00:27:37of doing that to that poor guy right and then i overcompensate and i act too nice i'm weird bruh
00:27:44even if i don't want to leave i live
00:27:51my wife is still inside
00:27:55now i'm the one looking for parking
00:28:07get a phone call i don't know where you are
00:28:17okay then you see that oasis in the desert you know the potential for parking there in the distance
00:28:23bumper bumper indentation bumper like it's there the potential the oasis in the desert and you get
00:28:29there brah and that's a bloody hundai atos
00:28:37a modern atos
00:28:41listen here brah listen here if your car is just a little bit bigger than hot wheels
00:28:46nah take the car with you when you shop
00:28:55put the atos in your trolley or your wife's handbag
00:29:03when you're done shopping take the atos arm
00:29:05you've got to do things that you don't want to do you know to be supportive you know because you
00:29:17have to also join forces against the kids the kids the spawn
00:29:24right because they never listen getting out of the house is a military operation
00:29:30for married with kids people single people you have no idea how difficult it is to leave
00:29:37like difficult just to go outside the house because you just get an idea i need to leave
00:29:45that doesn't that memory for people like me
00:29:49this is the memory you know even when you first just get married right you know first of all you
00:29:54get slowed down by your partner because i have the partner maybe get dressed i used to help my wife
00:29:58get dressed i don't mean like a nurse like that i used to help her choose to get dressed and i used
00:30:04to hate to do this because my primitive male brain is not equipped to discern the superiority between
00:30:12the two things brah but even though i can't do it i'm ineffective at it i try because i want to be
00:30:19supportive but no matter what i suggest brah she always choose the other one
00:30:28not just sometimes 100 percent of the time the other day she's like yeah should i have the green
00:30:35dress or the red dress the green dress or the red dress i'm like the red green
00:30:40red
00:30:44the red the red dress
00:30:47it's like i was hoping for the green one
00:30:50that's in my brain the outside babe can i talk to you for a minute can i talk to you why you always
00:31:07do that to a person you always ask me to help you choose and i don't like doing it but i try i don't
00:31:15like do it because my primitive my brain is not equipped to deal with discerning because you only
00:31:19just put the dress like in front of you like it you don't try it on just put in front and i must now
00:31:27imagine like men we're not good at imagining women with their clothes on
00:31:35i don't mean it like that i don't i don't mean like that
00:31:36and then sometimes put one earring on the one ear another earring on the other ear one
00:31:44two of the one foot other on the other foot then you just go like this what's better
00:31:55and i can't do it but i try but no matter what i suggest
00:31:59you always choose the other one but the person's feelings
00:32:08she's like no riyadh i appreciate you know that i appreciate you from the bottom of my heart
00:32:14i appreciate you my love but you know you don't always make the best choices
00:32:21like i chose you
00:32:22i didn't say that loud are you mad i'm still here bruh i'm still here
00:32:34emotional damage
00:32:44you have to band together right against the kids
00:32:47marriage is about balance you're supposed to complete each other it's about balance like for
00:32:53example the things that i don't do well my wife does well and the things that i do well she does
00:32:58better so it's equitable you know but you have to band together against the kids because my kids i've
00:33:08got four kids we've been overpopulating the earth and the babies they fight all the time like i have to
00:33:15go to the toilet brah for just some peace of mind but the minute i like close the door it's like
00:33:25my buckle gun it's not your buckle gun it's my buckle gun no it's my buckle gun
00:33:31no my one is not that one you lied to be dead for me no you lie you're dead i have to suck it back up guys
00:33:48what's the problem give daddy a chance man please stop fighting i can't get their shoes on they never want to have their shoes on even my eldest you can't put your shoes on
00:34:01he's got this big hobbit feet brah hairy feet and he can't like he's like a farmer dude
00:34:06never wants to put your shoes on i want to change his name to mohammed koobis or something
00:34:12get him a two-tone kurta
00:34:15you know feldskoen fez i don't know if they have that feldskoen hooves
00:34:22right and then the third one right he's always got his shoes on top on but no pants
00:34:28he's one of those ladies you know just like
00:34:35wearing the batman top batman muscle top boots
00:34:38mask but just yo
00:34:41tired tired tired
00:34:43tired i'm batman
00:34:46who's that robin over there bro is that robin
00:34:48and i can't i can't manage him as well as my wife i just can't you know i try i don't beat my kids so i
00:34:57negotiate with him fearlessly right but my wife doesn't even have to negotiate talk nothing she
00:35:03just has to adjust the size of her eyeballs i don't know how ladies do this she has to increase the
00:35:09diameter of her obicularis oculi muscles the circumference of the orbital cavity and they
00:35:17jump brah like me i'm negotiating brah zamir i came here 10 minutes ago and i told you mom must go
00:35:23shop right i said i'm gonna come back in 10 minutes i want your shoes on so 10 minutes later your shoes are
00:35:28still not onbra okay okay okay miskien for stanley mohammed koobis sit your false koona
00:35:36hard as a belief my mighty your mommy will don't go to
00:35:41and he's like that i'm gonna do it now i just want to play two more hours of fortnight weekly
00:35:54my wife doesn't play that she just comes in like this
00:35:57and he's like it's like he grows the shoes on
00:36:02mom i did all my chores i did my salah i did my quran i did my homework mom that's a good choice in
00:36:09green dress mom it's beautiful mom mom can i carry your handbag to the car dad get in the car you
00:36:15always take so long dad
00:36:21i tried that thing with my eyes once dude i was like samir samir samir
00:36:25he's like mom i think dad's having a stroke or something
00:36:42not as effective as they are you know not as effective as my wife and i don't beat my kids
00:36:48because i don't believe it's effective i don't beat my kids i don't believe in beating anyone
00:36:52i got that philosophy from will smith bro
00:37:00right and i don't beat my kids because i don't think it's effective bro i'm thinking more like a taser
00:37:09don't act like you never ever thought of that before guys it's time for bed i'm not tired
00:37:23okay okay here's a olive branch right not a taser tranquilizer dot as a peace offering and i'll
00:37:29support my statement because i'll tell you why because sleep is good for children right so this
00:37:35is the way you can discipline them cause them to sleep because sleep increases growth hormone secretion
00:37:40which causes like frontal lobe development which potentiates executive planning development so this is
00:37:46the way in which you can actually discipline the child and improve their overall neurological prowess
00:37:57some of you clapping some people what's happening child services
00:38:02yeah just getting his children with tranquilizer thoughts
00:38:07i just want to do it i dream of it sometimes you know with my daughter lover to bits she's my baby
00:38:13brah but she doesn't stop teenage girls they don't stop continue brah brilliant brah brah brah
00:38:20never stop brah brah dad can i have a cell phone please dad dad please can i have a huawei phone
00:38:25the bts phone please dad please please why am i saying so many please because you asked me to ask nicely
00:38:30and i'm saying nicely please please please please dad please i love you dad please please dad please can i have
00:38:36a cell phone please please please don't do anything there please please i know we can't do it now why
00:38:42why why why why dad please why why why why why why why why why why because i don't know first of all your
00:38:56school doesn't allow it also like money doesn't grow on trees but money is made out of paper where does paper come
00:39:03from
00:39:14dad don't worry about the cell phone dad i just wanna just wanna lie down here for a minute
00:39:22dad the tiles look so comfortable here you never told me the styles look so comfortable you must give me
00:39:29some towels for my mattress can you give me some towels i'm just gonna lie down here a little bit daddy
00:39:36i love you dad
00:39:43we love our kids when they sleep we got so much love for them babe babe this is our daughter
00:39:50mashallah allah allah blessed us with this perfect creature you know i'll do anything for her i would
00:39:57die for her dad can have a
00:40:08now look you know getting out of the house you eventually get out of the house and you always
00:40:14forget something always bro you know you're driving it's like ah i forgot my wallet it's okay
00:40:19it's okay i got my purse it's fine i forgot my cell phone it's okay i got mine it's fine we've got the
00:40:25baby it's okay we've got three others
00:40:32because everybody everybody wants to do the right thing that's what i've learned especially because of
00:40:38the pandemic everybody wants to do the right thing but very often we don't know exactly what the right
00:40:44thing to do is and the only way we can actually find out the right thing is to do the wrong thing
00:40:50first that's the nature of life like in humans we have guidance systems voices in our head that
00:40:59conflict right now from a spiritual perspective for example you have your animal self we call it your
00:41:06nafs which is a voice in your head like trump right like if there's a burger over there this voice will
00:41:13go just eat the burger folks you know you want the burger it's a fantastic burger the burger's a great
00:41:19friend of mine it's your burger you gotta build a wall around the burger it's a fantastic burger you know
00:41:26you're about it right and there's another voice in your head right your rationality or your uncle
00:41:36your rational mind which is a voice like obama which will say well uh studies of show
00:41:44foods rich and trans fats uh saturated fats could increase the risk of cardiovascular disease
00:41:51drugs shut the hell up obama shut up just grab the burger buy the buns you know you want the burger
00:42:00just have the burger and there's another voice right your cold or your heart which be a voice like
00:42:06my deeper take the bagger but then give the bagger to someone less fortunate gave the bagger to a bagger
00:42:19you know and we all got all these voices in our heads that trying to like give us guidance
00:42:35right everybody wants to do the right thing like during the pandemic which voice did you listen to
00:42:40like especially with a mask debate i used to get irritated with people not wearing the mask properly
00:42:45during pandemic with the mask with the nose sticking out for me that's like putting on an underpants
00:42:55and then there's something like
00:43:05and remember earlier in the pandemic some of the youngsters used to wear the mask like a fashion
00:43:09statement just hanging like over the ear like this remember that even for the mass naysayers right
00:43:22the master to stop everything was just supposed to decrease the vital load in the immediate area
00:43:28like if you're operating you got the mask so you don't in the so it's supposed not supposed to stop
00:43:34everything but what does this do bruh when you put on a condom do you hang it from your left nut
00:43:50i'll keep on making all these girls pregnant brie i don't understand why
00:43:57condoms don't work brie they don't work brie
00:43:59at the end of the day it was about negotiating risk everybody negotiates risk differently and it
00:44:08was about choice you know like even trump was like folks i choose not to wear the mask i choose not to
00:44:15wear the mask i choose not to wear the mask it's the china virus the china virus because some people
00:44:21think the virus is a biological weapon made in china right now i doubt there was a bioweapon made in
00:44:27china bruh i mean think about it since when have you ever heard of a chinese product
00:44:35that has lasted this long
00:44:42manufacture a lot of things their durability not the strong point but the people like no reality did my
00:44:48research did my research yeah you know it's bioweapon developed by evil genius bill gates
00:44:53bioweapon i doubt it's not about i doubt it's a bioweapon bruh it was a very dangerous natural virus
00:45:00but as a bioweapon covert would have been crap because covert mainly affected the elderly and those with
00:45:06comorbidities why would you spend trillions and bajillions of dollars to develop a bioweapon to end
00:45:15people who are already
00:45:20at the end bruh there are cheaper ways to end a 96 year old bruh just stand behind them go
00:45:35save your bajillion bruh like why would you spend trillions to develop a bioweapon
00:45:41to end the most vulnerable like what kind of low self-esteem evil genius is this like thanos thanos
00:45:49that bruh he's like with a snap of my fingers half of life in the universe will perish people call me
00:45:55a madman i call it mercy what's our covert evil genius no you see i'm gonna start with the pensioners you
00:46:03know just walk my way up slowly you know i don't want a bite of more than i can chew you know
00:46:11gotta have baby steps you know
00:46:15but it's about choice you know and you can't change people's minds bruh you know like there's one side
00:46:20of the family saying one thing the other side saying another thing right like because i come from
00:46:25a family of doctors we were just following protocols because we used to it right but like at my house is
00:46:31like visiting a hospital dude you know come there it's like salam alaikum can you fill in your medical
00:46:37aid details over here please we used to wear like masks on zoom meetings bruh you never know bruh you
00:46:44never know the computer virus and the coronavirus you never know bruh and then the other side of the
00:46:49family where those family would go now why you wear that mask why wear that mask you've got no iman
00:46:54got no faith in allah if you wear the mask got no faith in god if you wear the mask no fit and i'm
00:47:03like you know i'm not doesn't if i wear the mask doesn't mean i've got no faith i'm just i'm just
00:47:08being practical bruh like i mean it was raining outside and you don't want to get wet you either stay
00:47:13inside the house or you take umbrella right you don't leave the umbrella inside the house walk outside
00:47:19ya Allah keep me dry if you wear umbrella you've got no iman
00:47:34you know that's the thing but people will believe you couldn't change people's minds
00:47:38like the auntie was arguing me about this whole thing she was wearing parda
00:47:43yeah yeah she was like i don't believe in the mask i don't believe in the mask wear mask
00:47:49work not iman and some people may think it doesn't make sense but it makes perfect sense because you
00:47:54see she's covering her face not to protect herself from coronavirus she's covering her face to protect
00:48:01herself from the eyes of men she's protecting herself from something much worse
00:48:06she's not worried about coronavirus she's worried about testosterone of eyes
00:48:14muslim women have been treating men like viruses for centuries
00:48:20ahead of the game you know face covering social distancing
00:48:24i'm like why stop there but i spray the brow with sanitizer also like
00:48:29alcohol no
00:48:30i actually thought cyril wanted to turn everybody muslim at the beginning of the pandemic
00:48:38because first he came out with a face covering the next week alcohol brand
00:48:44i thought oh people must watch out next time comes on tv people must watch out for their foreskin bra
00:48:48i was worried
00:48:49you know there was so much misinformation right inaccurate information made us poop ourselves
00:49:05like i just remember early on pandemic halfway through the first year right i got this whatsapp
00:49:10message misinformation that said your foreskin protects you from covert
00:49:19did anybody get that no brah i got that thing and as a doctor i thought doesn't it make sense
00:49:26right but still you remember the first part of the pandemic we were pooping ourselves for everything
00:49:31that's i did my research there was no truth to it i thought maybe the conflict of the hiv thing
00:49:36or the covert thing but there's no truth to it but still i was anxious that your foreskin protects
00:49:41you from covert why because i'm muslim and i kind of like grow it back brah
00:49:49and there's no substitute for people like me so i was all anxious i didn't know what to do
00:49:54like i was driving i drove past ocean basket right and i saw this advert for calamari tubes i was like
00:50:06and i'm not saying i'll put one on like a beanie i'm not saying one
00:50:17but what i am saying is that anxiety makes you do stupid stuff that's where religion comes in you know
00:50:24to guide you all these different voices in your head religion is supposed to assimilate all those
00:50:30voices and guide you on a certain straight path and my wife's a little bit more religious than i am
00:50:36right so she doesn't like me to watch so much tv but i like don't watch tv for entertainment purposes
00:50:44i watch it for research to get information to change that into interesting and latest scenarios
00:50:52to entertain audiences i don't do it for me i do it for you i'm like a humanitarian
00:51:02like gandhi or imtia sulaiman that's me
00:51:07but she doesn't like me to watch so much tv and she's tired of telling me over and over
00:51:12not to watch tv so instead of telling me these days instead she plays lectures of mufti mink
00:51:18really louder you guys know mufti mink for those of you who don't know he's a well-known preacher
00:51:24in the muslim community and like i'll just be watching tv something family friendly like squid game
00:51:32the game of thrones and all of a sudden oh yeah we need to be wary
00:51:40of the scourge of television in the modern world allah save us and protect us
00:51:47okay babe i'll turn the tv off because mufti mink is a normal guy he's got his own family i always
00:51:58wondered like does he ever get upset in his own house you know open up the cupboard who took my
00:52:04chip nicks who took my chip nicks i was feeling for a delicious bowl of chip nicks but then i saw it
00:52:12was almost asr and i went to make asr and when i returned alas my chip nicks was no longer here
00:52:21and now i'm forced to have a bowl of toritos allah save us and protect us
00:52:30i was actually thinking of making my own mufti mink cd or memory stick secretly you know and
00:52:38sneaking it in with my wife's stash you know i've never listened to this lecture before
00:52:46it is imperative that you massage your husband's feet
00:52:54and rub his aching muscles and don't make him go shopping with you these materialistic
00:53:00exploits distract us from what is important allah save us and protect us
00:53:11you want to do the right thing bruh but i damaged my kids and you want to do the right thing for
00:53:16your kids but i scared i'm damaging my kids because i told you i do voices for them all the time
00:53:21to arnold swatzenegger for them all the time and i heard my son crying the other day and i thought i
00:53:27heard arnold swatzenegger come out while he was crying you think i'm damaging the light this you
00:53:33know i'm just hearing
00:53:34i'm going to the room like my son what's wrong i can't see the tv it's a mean get down
00:53:57like there's a scene from rocky 5 where rocky has an argument with his adult son and i used to do
00:54:16that whole scene a very motivational scene not for my adult son but for my four-year-old i think i was
00:54:23missing him up because he's just minding his own business playing lego and i'll burst into the room
00:54:28do the whole speech like rocket
00:54:35you ain't gonna believe this but you just a fit right here i used to hold you up say to your mother
00:54:44this kid is gonna be the best kid in the world this kid is gonna be better than anybody ever knew
00:54:52and you grew up good and wonderful everyday watching was like a privilege but somewhere along the light
00:55:01things change you stop being you you start let people stick a finger in your face and tell you're no
00:55:09good when things got hard you start looking for someone to blame like a big shadow then i kneel down
00:55:17stay in his eyes let me tell you something your way to know the world ain't on sunshine and rainbows
00:55:25it's a very mean and nasty place and i don't care how tough you think you are it will beat you to
00:55:32your knees and keep an apartment live and let it not you not me not anybody can hit as hard as life
00:55:40but it ain't about how hard you can hit it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward
00:55:46how much you can take and keep moving forward how much you can take that's how a winner is done
00:55:52right right and in a movie rakistan was inspired to change right my son pooped himself
00:56:06the baby came in
00:56:22damage them everybody wants to do the right thing but what voice do you listen to this is the thing
00:56:28what voice do you listen to which voice was i listening to when i decided to give up medicine
00:56:35and do comedy right was it my animal self my nafs i'd like to think it was my call my heart
00:56:44it was definitely not my rational mind people ask me why i gave up medicine to do comedy i had a
00:56:51hectic experience as a young doctor i did my internship at a place called natal spread hospital
00:56:57it was voted the worst hospital of all time in south africa yeah things kind of went down after i
00:57:04left you know what i'm saying it's one of those weird hospitals dude where the security guards
00:57:11used to check our car boots they used to check the doctor's car boots before we used to leave the
00:57:17hospital like we're gonna steal something and there was no blood equipment in the hospital
00:57:23i'm like bro what do you think i'm gonna steal tb patients that's all that's here open up the booth
00:57:29this is not a good doctor this guy's no good he said this was a city scan he said it was
00:57:39i experienced hectic things as a young doctor in the er people used to put inanimate objects where
00:57:48the sun don't shine exceedingly frequently boss and i saw horrible things two weeks in coming from cape
00:57:55down dude came in with a golden delicious apple he said with a bath and he tripped golden delicious apple
00:58:05i only have granny smith apples in my house now
00:58:11we tried to remove the apple or it's neither golden nor delicious
00:58:14brah did it happen again couple of weeks later this time with the aerosol can brah a aerosol can i
00:58:24remember it clearly it was a mr min aerosol can it was the same brah the same brah sit with a bath and
00:58:32he tripped mr min aerosol can and then we tried to remove the can and the cap stayed up there
00:58:40and we had to take the poor guy to theater to remove a mr min aerosol can and i'm telling you i
00:58:48saw the mr min can afterwards mr min didn't look the same he looked traumatized he was a shadow of his
00:58:57former self you know mr min is usually a jovial character this guy could make eye contact he was like
00:59:04and then it happened one more time this time with a light bulb dude a light bulb you all same brah same
00:59:16brah same with a bath and he tripped light bulb right but we only realized it was a light bulb when
00:59:22you put up the x-ray dude and that was a weird moment of cognitive dissonance because you're not
00:59:28expecting to see a light bulb in that position it's confusing to the brain it was weird brah i can
00:59:35tell you we put up the x-ray and honestly it looked like a good idea and a bad idea
00:59:45at the same time brah and then it happened one more time when we moved to cape town with the apple
00:59:52again brah but this time experience expertise improved we removed the apple apple was completely
00:59:58fine pristine the cloud was still functioning
01:00:10okay that wasn't true that was a lie it was a lie but the other stuff was true dude
01:00:17now health is the most important thing people you know just before the pandemic i had a back operation
01:00:23i had to have what they call a laminectomy and a discectomy why because i had a sequestration of a
01:00:29prolapsed r5 s1 intervertebral disc right you know that means basically it means like a piece
01:00:37of the slip this broke off i was pressing the nerve in my leg
01:00:43you know and then i had to have what they call a laminectomy and discectomy
01:00:47like like how do you think i got this injury you may ask as a middle-aged man like was i squatting
01:00:54200 kilograms no was i playing rugby with a whole lot of breasts with no necks
01:01:00you know i got it i was flossing i was bloody flossing bro and not the other hygiene flossing the tiktok
01:01:10dance the bloody tiktok dance play my teenage daughter she's like dad you can't dance i'm like oh yeah
01:01:22next thing i'm know i'm having mri scan brah yeah i had to have this operation
01:01:27then i thought my kids did this to me i'm gonna have a laminectomy disclectomy and i'm gonna have a
01:01:32vasectomy and i want to have the operations at the same time because then i don't have to do two
01:01:38general anesthetics i can just do one and can kill two balls with one stone i don't have that
01:01:45that's the term but the problem with that is it's a logistical problem to do the two operation at the
01:01:51same time because the back operation obviously have to lie what they call prone like this so they
01:01:57can operate on your back right but the vasectomy is probably
01:02:04the other side right so unless my urologist was prepared to do me like a mechanic
01:02:21this is not to scale it's not to scale people
01:02:30so i had to have the operation i actually drove myself to my own vasectomy right now i complain
01:02:49about wall parking hospital parking is even worse bro worse you know like that it's okay for like the
01:02:56doctors it's right there in the front for the doctors pow pow but for patients you're on your
01:03:01own you can have a fork in your eye like why they always make us go to the top level
01:03:09right but it makes sense that doctors must have their parking there in the front makes sense you
01:03:13know kind of a person being resuscitated in the er you know one thousand two thousand we lose the
01:03:19patient where's dr stephens dr stephens in the parking lot
01:03:26okay thank you so much guys for coming to the show
01:03:41now look you guys uh i just want to say before we end this right um before the pandemic i don't think
01:03:48i valued my job as much as i should have always loved stand-up comedy but i don't feel i had enough
01:03:54gratitude for the privilege of performing for you so i just want to say from the bottom of my heart
01:04:01thank you so much i appreciate you guys so so much more than you guys will ever know
01:04:08and i hope you enjoyed yourself you know and you know you get older you want to be a bit more
01:04:17introspective and offer people wise words words of wisdom in addition to the laughter right so i
01:04:25thought about these wise words and i got nothing actually i do have something you know and i thought
01:04:38about it a lot there are words that give me comfort that i could maybe share with you and you guys can
01:04:44use it in your time of hardship right these are the words listen very very carefully he beat me
01:04:53pay him pay that man his money thank you so much for coming to the show you guys are awesome
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