- 17 hours ago
The Lovers | Full Hot Movie Uncut
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:07But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Ever of God is at it.
00:01:14Not with me, they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only madness these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26Jesus! God is long!
00:01:30Jesus!
00:01:56We've never seen him in real life, though.
00:01:58Oh, he's picturing the papers.
00:02:00Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:02No, I don't want to. I want to wait.
00:02:04Oh, Neil, that's standing out here. It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:07Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:09But that was yesterday. He might be here today.
00:02:11Oh, no.
00:02:12Hello, really? Dad's standing here.
00:02:13Come on, wait.
00:02:14Come on, you're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait.
00:02:17Please, let's go.
00:02:21Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:24But I feel all right to it now.
00:02:27I don't fancy yours.
00:02:29Which is mine?
00:02:31Any except the blonde.
00:02:33Oh, good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at? Where?
00:02:41I don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:46Any.
00:02:47Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:51Thanks.
00:02:53Neither do I.
00:02:55Fancy the one with the twitch.
00:03:00About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad.
00:03:02With all due respect.
00:03:03To his granddad.
00:03:06Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:10There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:13Ignore them.
00:03:21Hi.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:25Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:29Hi.
00:03:32Peace, ma'am.
00:03:34Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:36He's in Majorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:40May only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:43It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:45Come on.
00:03:47I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:50It's our lunch hour.
00:03:52It's ours.
00:03:53We were going for lunch.
00:03:55Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Majorca?
00:03:58It's one place I've never been.
00:03:59Pardon?
00:04:00I'm Geoffrey.
00:04:01I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:02I'm Beryl.
00:04:03I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:04I'm Beryl.
00:04:05I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:06I'm Beryl.
00:04:07I'm Beryl.
00:04:08I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:09I'm Beryl.
00:04:10I'm Beryl.
00:04:11I'm Beryl.
00:04:12I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:14Don't you worry.
00:04:15I'm Beryl.
00:04:16I'm Beryl.
00:04:17I'm Beryl.
00:04:18I'm Beryl.
00:04:19I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:20I'm Beryl.
00:04:21I'm Beryl.
00:04:22I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:36Don't you worry.
00:04:44Love and rainy weather may sound funny
00:04:49But they go together fine
00:04:54Every single time
00:04:59Love and rainy weather
00:05:01First you're up there
00:05:04On another plane and then you're nowhere
00:05:09And the tears are raining down
00:05:14It's a run around
00:05:19Love and rainy weather
00:05:24Sure can get you down
00:05:31Not going twisting tonight then?
00:05:34That's the modern name for it isn't it?
00:05:39For what?
00:05:41Cutting a rug
00:05:43Pardon?
00:05:44Grooving Mildred
00:05:46It's called grooving nowadays
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking
00:05:50Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight
00:05:52Right
00:05:53Right on
00:05:55You're staying in tonight then?
00:05:57Tonight?
00:05:58Tomorrow night?
00:05:59Every night
00:06:01You might sell me overcoat
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure you know
00:06:05Mildred don't hassle the lad
00:06:08Hustle
00:06:10It's a different world today Mildred
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool
00:06:15For what this finny haddy cost
00:06:17They do their own thing
00:06:19The usual 1300 weight
00:06:21Yes please
00:06:23Now that's the new world that we work for
00:06:26Unthought for
00:06:27Full page advert for contraception
00:06:30It's his birthright
00:06:31I'm not hungry
00:06:35What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:38It's the hip way cool people say
00:06:40I'm not hungry
00:06:41I'm not hungry
00:06:50La la la
00:06:51La la la
00:06:52La la la
00:06:53La la la
00:06:59I enjoy staying in chatting of an evening
00:07:01I find it fantastically enjoyable
00:07:04No really
00:07:05I really do
00:07:07Some people don't
00:07:09I do
00:07:13Beryl
00:07:14Please take my word for it
00:07:15Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell
00:07:17And invite you to the pictures
00:07:19Paul McCartney who?
00:07:20He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night
00:07:23And please don't say Paul McCartney who?
00:07:26I sacrifice too much for your sick soul levels
00:07:28You were terrific in the pictures
00:07:32I never touched you
00:07:34Terrific self control
00:07:36What did you say your name was?
00:07:39What did you say your name was?
00:07:41Mind you just a weekend I do with you Paul
00:07:51Not a dirty weekend
00:08:06A disgusting one
00:08:08Night night
00:08:09Percy filth
00:08:11Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:26It's not my fault
00:08:29It's just that I don't like blondes
00:08:32It's psychosomatic
00:08:37I'm sorry
00:08:41It's just some people
00:08:42That she werkes
00:08:43Horrible
00:08:44It's not my fault
00:08:45It's not my fault
00:08:46Oh, Sandra
00:08:47Oh, Sandra
00:08:48Oh Sandra, it is almost blonde in this light.
00:09:11What's wrong?
00:09:14Just being brave.
00:09:16What about?
00:09:17Ending it all.
00:09:20Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:23It's our first date.
00:09:27I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:31Not yet.
00:09:32Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:37Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:41Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went.
00:09:45Overnight.
00:09:45That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:49It's artistic mother.
00:09:51Like your Tuttenhamen butter dish.
00:09:53What?
00:10:04Got it.
00:10:05Got what?
00:10:06You now ask if I never want to see you again.
00:10:09I say I do.
00:10:11You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:14How about Sunday, half seven outside Central Library?
00:10:17No, I don't.
00:10:19Tomorrow, half seven outside Central Library.
00:10:23Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:27It does not.
00:10:29I thought it did.
00:10:31Not till you've unfastened the press stud.
00:10:33I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her, mother.
00:10:44In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:46We're just good friends.
00:10:48Good night.
00:10:49Miss Bardot.
00:11:05Marry me.
00:11:09You know what they say?
00:11:12Once you've had a Manchester lad, you never touch anything else.
00:11:14About time and all.
00:11:31Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:33Peace, man.
00:11:36Have a good time last night.
00:11:38Great.
00:11:38Is this you?
00:11:40Satisfied.
00:11:41I say it in for a change.
00:11:44Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:55Not that they have done.
00:11:57They laid in for a change instead.
00:12:14Ticket.
00:12:19I ain't got me ticket.
00:12:20We're late already.
00:12:23See you behind the goal then.
00:12:24Aye.
00:12:26Aye.
00:12:26Aye.
00:12:26Aye.
00:12:26Aye.
00:12:27Aye.
00:12:27Aye.
00:12:28Aye.
00:12:28Aye.
00:12:28Aye.
00:12:29Aye.
00:12:29Aye.
00:12:30Aye.
00:12:31Aye.
00:12:31Aye.
00:12:32Aye.
00:12:32Aye.
00:12:33Aye.
00:12:33Aye.
00:12:34Aye.
00:12:35Aye.
00:12:35Aye.
00:12:36Aye.
00:12:37Aye.
00:12:37Aye.
00:12:38Aye.
00:12:38Aye.
00:12:39Aye.
00:12:39Well, now its beauty sleep's done nothing for her.
00:12:43Snooty old bag.
00:12:50Trendy.
00:12:50Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:53Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:56Still, who else would have him?
00:12:59No.
00:13:00Anyway, they're all the same in the dark, rumour has it.
00:13:11Different girl every night.
00:13:12It's all the type.
00:13:13Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:17I bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:20What's wrong?
00:13:21Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:13:24At least I've got me proud.
00:13:25Oh, hello.
00:13:27Oh, hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:30Didn't see you.
00:13:31No, Normie.
00:13:32Are you going that way?
00:13:35Yeah.
00:13:36Er...
00:13:37Not specially, no.
00:13:38You going that?
00:13:39Yeah.
00:13:40Well, erm...
00:13:41No.
00:13:42I was...
00:13:43I was...
00:13:44I was sort of...
00:13:45Going to the football match?
00:13:46Are you?
00:13:47Shopping.
00:13:48I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:49I am.
00:13:50Which?
00:13:51Which are you?
00:13:52Any.
00:13:53I am.
00:13:54See you then.
00:13:55Tonight?
00:13:56Pardon?
00:13:57Oh, er...
00:13:58All right, then.
00:13:59Right.
00:14:00Super socks.
00:14:01Did you see that?
00:14:02They're all on drugs.
00:14:03A lot of them.
00:14:04Cough.
00:14:05Cough.
00:14:06Cough.
00:14:07Cough.
00:14:08Cough.
00:14:09Cough.
00:14:10Cough.
00:14:11Cough.
00:14:12Cough.
00:14:13Cough.
00:14:14Cough.
00:14:15Cough.
00:14:16Cough.
00:14:17Cough.
00:14:18Cough.
00:14:19Cough.
00:14:20Cough.
00:14:21Cough.
00:14:22Cough.
00:14:23Cough.
00:14:24Cough.
00:14:25Did you see that?
00:14:26They're all on drugs.
00:14:27A lot of them.
00:14:28Cough.
00:14:29Cough.
00:14:30Cough.
00:14:31Cough.
00:14:32Cough.
00:14:33Cough.
00:14:34Cough.
00:14:35Here's the loss.
00:14:36You can зв witnessing 3-1, man.
00:14:39What's your move?
00:14:40Go away!
00:14:41Oh no, no, no...
00:14:42It isn't that.
00:14:43Cough.
00:14:44That's good.
00:14:45You hit the sight of someone in the chances.
00:14:46The point, you might have lost research.
00:14:59Oh, vale's a rare shot.
00:15:00Excuse me.
00:15:17Excuse me, I...
00:15:22I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:27Hi.
00:15:31Hello, mate.
00:15:33Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:35Surprise.
00:15:36Been anywhere controversial?
00:15:38Pictures.
00:15:39The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:46Are you and Beryl, um...
00:15:48You know.
00:15:52You know.
00:15:53Oh.
00:15:57Would you, uh...
00:16:03Would you sort of reckon she's a...
00:16:07Fair sort of bird?
00:16:10Sort of.
00:16:11She's all right.
00:16:13Yeah.
00:16:14I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:18Geoffrey.
00:16:19She's a bird.
00:16:24You having a coffee with us?
00:16:25No, thanks, kid.
00:16:26Neville's rubbing us.
00:16:27You've just eaten.
00:16:31Oh, of course.
00:16:32Yeah.
00:16:33Sorry.
00:16:34You see, what I thought Ken was always trying to do...
00:16:39By implication.
00:16:40Probably by implication.
00:16:42Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement.
00:16:47You see?
00:16:48Yes.
00:16:51Was he the errand boy?
00:16:52Was who the errand boy?
00:16:53Ken Thingy.
00:16:54He directed it.
00:16:55Oh.
00:16:56Yes.
00:16:57I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:16:58Probably.
00:16:59You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:01Well, I'm probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:02It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:03And you talk to me the whole way.
00:17:04Like a person.
00:17:05Other boys seem to have one track now.
00:17:06I'm not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:07Well, probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:08It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:09And you talk to me the whole way.
00:17:10Like a person.
00:17:11Other boys seem to have one track minds these days.
00:17:21Sex.
00:17:22Marriage.
00:17:23Pardon?
00:17:24The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:25A couple of dates and how they want to get married.
00:17:27I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:30I suppose I just don't have a hangup about it.
00:17:33I'm a bubblegum and I'm going to play a ball.
00:17:35That's all it is.
00:17:36I've been looking forward to me.
00:17:37No.
00:17:38That's all it is.
00:17:40Getting married?
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:43No.
00:17:48Actually, I find girls, most girls, that is,
00:17:51a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:54Not marriage.
00:17:56No. Sex.
00:17:59Percy Phil.
00:18:03Sex.
00:18:04That's what I said.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:07Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:10Not Percy Phil motivated.
00:18:12No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:27Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell. Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:38This is it.
00:18:40I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:42No.
00:18:43Oh.
00:18:44Anywhere me mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:18:46Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:18:49Yes, Geoffrey.
00:18:50Ah.
00:18:51Ah.
00:18:52Oh.
00:18:53Nice house.
00:18:5525-year mortgage.
00:18:56Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:18:58Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:18:59It's funny, isn't it?
00:19:00It's funny, isn't it?
00:19:01First date with someone.
00:19:02It's always a nice little.
00:19:03It's funny, isn't it?
00:19:04It's funny, isn't it?
00:19:05It's funny.
00:19:06It's funny.
00:19:07It's funny.
00:19:08It's funny, isn't it?
00:19:09First date with someone.
00:19:10It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:12Either nothing.
00:19:13Or something.
00:19:14Or everything.
00:19:15It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:19Either nothing.
00:19:20Or something.
00:19:25Or everything.
00:19:27It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:30Either nothing.
00:19:31Or something.
00:19:32Or everything.
00:19:33Well, don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:37I'm not.
00:19:38No, I'm not.
00:19:39Night-night.
00:19:40God bless.
00:20:00I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:08What is it?
00:20:09327-4421.
00:20:10The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:15then two fours, and half of four which is two, and half of two which is one.
00:20:19Erm...
00:20:20But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:21No.
00:20:22But you can if you do.
00:20:23Do you want me to?
00:20:24Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:26327-4421.
00:20:29No.
00:20:30Good night.
00:20:59Oh!
00:21:00Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
00:21:01Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:02Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:21:06Can't be Mother's Day.
00:21:07You'd have forgotten.
00:21:08Has there been any clips?
00:21:09Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:14What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:16You see, Geoffrey has this theory that by implication...
00:21:17Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:18Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:19These things.
00:21:20Everything.
00:21:21Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:22He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:23See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:24Bell, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:25Oh, no-one.
00:21:26No-one.
00:21:27No-one's special.
00:21:31His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:32How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:21:33What a Beryl Bird.
00:21:34What a Beryl Bird?
00:21:35Oh, no-one.
00:21:36Oh, no-one.
00:21:37Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:38Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:39Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:40Oh, no-one.
00:21:42No-one's special.
00:21:43His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:44How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:21:49What were Beryl Bird?
00:21:50His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:58How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:01What Beryl Bird? I told him.
00:22:04Did she, er...
00:22:06Did she, er...
00:22:08What?
00:22:11Wow!
00:22:14She doesn't, then.
00:22:16You don't listen, do you? I said...
00:22:18How about Sandra?
00:22:26Chips.
00:22:28Jamsod.
00:22:34Not seeing him tonight, then.
00:22:40Who?
00:22:45I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:48I said he was no one special.
00:22:58Have they got a phone here?
00:23:00Why?
00:23:02They haven't, have they?
00:23:04Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:10Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:12Are you?
00:23:14No.
00:23:15We'll split after this game.
00:23:16Anything you say.
00:23:17And go for a few of the King's Ed.
00:23:19Great.
00:23:21And that ends our pro...
00:23:22Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:24Monday tomorrow.
00:23:25Hallelujah.
00:23:26Pardon?
00:23:27I don't know what you're paying for that phone, but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:31Good night.
00:23:32Good night.
00:23:33Good night.
00:23:34Good night.
00:23:35Good night.
00:23:36Good night.
00:23:37Morning.
00:23:38Good morning.
00:23:52Good morning.
00:24:10Cholton for Pope. Long may it reign. Amen.
00:24:14What's going on?
00:24:16Pounds up again.
00:24:18Oh God.
00:24:20Today's special. Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:23Here.
00:24:24Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:26So does.
00:24:28Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:46Why do we always do that?
00:24:48Ninety-three times a day.
00:24:50We never see anything.
00:24:52We never see anything.
00:24:54Can we leave?
00:25:06Very warm warm.
00:25:09That's the sun was rising.
00:25:12I heard a maiden singing in the valley below.
00:25:16My typing, not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:19See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:22Oh, Geoffrey.
00:25:24That Neville's the greatest.
00:25:29Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:34He never promised he's going to take the stream at a new film.
00:25:36I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:39One day it was enough.
00:25:41Why?
00:25:43He's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:45Is that bad?
00:25:46Hopeless.
00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:26:01Five.
00:26:02Five, which is...
00:26:03Which is...
00:26:05Three and two is five, which is two less than seven.
00:26:09Which is...
00:26:11Oh.
00:26:11I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:17Bank clerks.
00:26:19Your lot.
00:26:20Football supporters.
00:26:22Hippies.
00:26:23Oh.
00:26:25My lot.
00:26:25And the third stroke, it will be seven, twenty-two and forty seconds.
00:26:34It will be seven, twenty-two and fifty seconds.
00:26:38That's it, then.
00:26:39All over by seven, twenty-three precisely.
00:26:45So what?
00:26:48Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:51Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:58Is that Beryl?
00:26:59Yes.
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:02Hi.
00:27:03Hi.
00:27:03It's terrifically exciting, isn't it, getting to know a person.
00:27:17Fantastic.
00:27:18I want to know all about you.
00:27:18That's what it's all about.
00:27:19For example, with things in common already.
00:27:20Definitely.
00:27:21Like what?
00:27:21We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:22We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:23Yes.
00:27:24Yes.
00:27:25Yes.
00:27:26Yes.
00:27:27It's terrifically exciting, isn't it?
00:27:28Getting to know a person.
00:27:29Fantastic.
00:27:30And we're both from Manchester.
00:27:31I want to know all about you.
00:27:32I want to know all about you.
00:27:33I want to know all about you.
00:27:34That's what it's all about.
00:27:37For example, with things in common already.
00:27:40Definitely.
00:27:41Like what?
00:27:43We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:47Right.
00:27:48And we're both from Manchester.
00:27:49Have you ever been abroad?
00:27:50No.
00:27:51Have you?
00:27:52No.
00:27:53Unless you count Istanbul.
00:27:54Istanbul?
00:27:55Was it beyond belief?
00:27:57I don't know.
00:27:58I was only three.
00:28:19Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:23I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:29No.
00:28:30Just, just sometimes.
00:28:34Yes, I do.
00:28:38Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:41In getting to know a person.
00:28:43Hmm.
00:28:49He was lithe and easy-limbed.
00:28:51His stride quietly casual.
00:28:54His eyes clear and confident.
00:28:56And his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:06You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin.
00:29:10Really?
00:29:11You know, lopsided.
00:29:15I don't think I have.
00:29:16It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:19See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.
00:29:26He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:30It must be marvellous, being a man.
00:29:33It's okay, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:38Do heart transplants.
00:29:40Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:43Anything!
00:29:49No, no, no, no.
00:29:52Geoffrey, NO spells no.
00:29:55It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:58It's good for any women's magazine.
00:30:00It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:01I'm not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:04I only see on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:14Oh, Beryl.
00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey bobbles, Bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:22Are you all right? What exactly happened? Don't tell me.
00:30:25I just had a sharp attack of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:31Come back. They're better.
00:30:36It's better. I'm OK.
00:30:41I told you, it's going to pour.
00:30:43It's not.
00:30:51It's only the angels crying.
00:30:55I know how they feel.
00:30:57Well, don't blame me. I haven't done anything.
00:31:00That's true.
00:31:02That's not true, Beryl. I have apologised.
00:31:05I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:31:08Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:31:11It must be a bad line. I can't hear you.
00:31:14You'd better apologise again.
00:31:17I apologise again.
00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:23I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:28Pardon?
00:31:29Pardon?
00:31:31Is that who I think it is?
00:31:33No, dear.
00:31:34Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:50Sardine sandwich.
00:31:52Is it all sardine?
00:31:53Yeah?
00:31:54She's got her own trawler.
00:32:03Isn't it awful?
00:32:04What?
00:32:05I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:07What's happening in the world?
00:32:08I blame the politicians.
00:32:10What for?
00:32:11For what's happening in the world?
00:32:17Talk to her.
00:32:20I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:25Very in oil.
00:32:27Very nice in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:33Why, after this little baker down the road,
00:32:35he does something with the bleach.
00:32:39Yes.
00:32:46I can't do long conversations about sardines.
00:32:48So much as your mind goes blank.
00:32:53Start thinking about life after death.
00:32:55Ooh, that Neville, honestly.
00:32:56Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:32:57Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:32:58Geoffrey definitely has.
00:32:59Probably even more.
00:33:00Air hostesses.
00:33:01All sorts.
00:33:02Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:03I haven't had one yet.
00:33:04White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:05Actually, I was over there.
00:33:06I haven't had one yet.
00:33:07I haven't had one yet.
00:33:08White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:09Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:10Hmm.
00:33:11Wow, is that the time?
00:33:12At this moment in time.
00:33:13What have I done?
00:33:14Is Neville the insanely jealous?
00:33:15No.
00:33:16No.
00:33:17No.
00:33:18No.
00:33:19No.
00:33:20No.
00:33:21No.
00:33:22No.
00:33:23No.
00:33:24No.
00:33:25No.
00:33:26No.
00:33:27No.
00:33:28No.
00:33:30No.
00:33:31No.
00:33:32No.
00:33:33No.
00:33:34No.
00:33:35No.
00:33:36No.
00:33:37No.
00:33:38No.
00:33:39You're my type.
00:33:40Right in the slightest.
00:33:41You're lucky.
00:33:42Why is Geoffrey?
00:33:43Wow.
00:33:44You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:49Course not.
00:33:50Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:53Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:58Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:00Who needs drama?
00:34:03So I shouted back at her.
00:34:06So I shouted back at her. No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:13He thumped you? Walloped you on?
00:34:17No. I said nearly.
00:34:22You never thump me, will you? Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:26She adores it.
00:34:28Of course not.
00:34:30No.
00:34:32Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:36There isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38You used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right. Let's talk.
00:34:46Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:48Why? Is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:56Why?
00:34:58Why not?
00:35:02Good thinking.
00:35:09Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:11You too. It was real.
00:35:13Psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me Grateful Dead, LP.
00:35:17I was scratched anyway.
00:35:19It's been a gasp.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:30You've said that once.
00:35:39You're well red barrel.
00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:47Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:52You know you can't do it.
00:35:53You'll never thund me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:35:54Ow!
00:35:55Beryl, I've just had the most super idea.
00:35:56Are we going to put it up?
00:35:57No.
00:35:58We're going to pack it in.
00:35:59Don't say that.
00:36:00Please don't say that.
00:36:01That.
00:36:02Sandra.
00:36:03Sandra.
00:36:04You're Sandra.
00:36:05Mine.
00:36:06Two months.
00:36:07Two months, nine days.
00:36:09Is she positive?
00:36:10The test was.
00:36:11What are you going to do?
00:36:12She'll think of something.
00:36:13Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:14Congratulations, I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:28Oh, thanks kid.
00:36:29How did you do this?
00:36:33Come on.
00:36:34Found you.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations. I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:37:41John for Pope. Long May Reign.
00:37:50Aren't you, er...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, er...
00:37:57That's right.
00:37:59Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting me parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:09Er...
00:38:10Oh, hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:20All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:40It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:43And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:50I packed her in.
00:38:50Did she turn you on?
00:39:00Beryl?
00:39:01Beryl?
00:39:01Beryl.
00:39:02I hadn't really looked.
00:39:07You've seen one, you've seen them all.
00:39:13Not quite all.
00:39:15I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:16It looks to be my birthday.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:31Oh, I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Philse.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:44Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:46Was I?
00:39:48Mmm.
00:39:50Terrific self-control.
00:39:53Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:58Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights
00:40:04and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:10My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16Mmm, don't.
00:40:18Please.
00:40:19You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:27Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:28It is me birthday.
00:40:37What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old.
00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49He used to be crazy about him.
00:40:50I don't believe it was Kinetic.
00:40:50What's your name?
00:41:20What's yours?
00:41:22Rock.
00:41:23That's not your real name.
00:41:25No, Stephen.
00:41:27God, that turns me on.
00:41:37When I first met you in the street, I thought, just a quiet drink and a chat.
00:41:42Shows you the art of conversation ain't dead.
00:41:45Don't move a muscle, however gorgeous.
00:41:54Mm.
00:41:55Mm.
00:41:56Mm.
00:41:57Mm.
00:41:59Mm.
00:42:00Mm.
00:42:01Mm.
00:42:02Mm.
00:42:03Mm.
00:42:04Mm.
00:42:05Mm.
00:42:06Mm.
00:42:16Mm.
00:42:20Testing.
00:42:22I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself.
00:42:41I'm fed up!
00:42:45Who are you? Who are you?
00:42:49What are you fed up about?
00:42:51Teachers don't have to do homework.
00:42:54No?
00:42:55They just mark it.
00:42:57Anyone can mark it.
00:42:59They've got the answers.
00:43:05Do you know it's after two o'clock?
00:43:08What's he doing here, then?
00:43:12Well, this is your Uncle Stephen.
00:43:16This is my revolting brother, Jeremy.
00:43:22How do you do?
00:43:23Don't my mum and dad know he's here.
00:43:25Jeremy, bed.
00:43:26I could always wake them up and tell them.
00:43:28Jeremy, little boys need sleep.
00:43:35Even big astronauts.
00:43:36Do you know where babies come from?
00:43:41Do you?
00:43:43Say no.
00:43:44No.
00:43:45I do.
00:43:46Say yes.
00:43:47Shall I tell you?
00:43:48He knows.
00:43:49The man has this male organ and some blood cells and erectile glands.
00:43:53And there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well.
00:43:58And they go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has.
00:44:03Who told you that?
00:44:04Then they go to the fallopian tubes after that.
00:44:07One of them fertilises with the female egg.
00:44:09The others don't bother.
00:44:11Anyway, that's what you have to do.
00:44:13Then you have a baby.
00:44:16Did they teach you that at school?
00:44:18They do woodwork in the next class.
00:44:21People can only make babies at certain times of the year.
00:44:24But animals, like dogs and cats and rats, I think, do it all the time.
00:44:31No.
00:44:33That's people.
00:44:35What is?
00:44:38Well, people do it all the time.
00:44:44Whenever they feel like it.
00:44:48In the next class you can do metalwork if you don't like woodwork.
00:44:54Good night, Jeremy.
00:44:5725p?
00:44:5950.
00:45:0150.
00:45:12Good night, Uncle Stephen.
00:45:13Good night, Uncle Stephen.
00:45:18Good night.
00:45:19Who did you care for a government health warning?
00:45:34Hey Veronica!
00:45:36Yes
00:45:37Who the hell's Uncle Stephen at that's a tenth past two in the morning?
00:45:39a friend of jeremy's he's going now good night love
00:45:48we would have done that wouldn't we and how
00:45:54you can't win them all can you anyway do you good going without for a change
00:46:05still there's always another day tomorrow no
00:46:10tomorrow's another day
00:46:12not unless you happen to be in plymouth where i'm joining the wrens for three years
00:46:20what wrens the royal navy's wrens
00:46:26this time tomorrow i'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30 000 sailors i hope i like it
00:46:32well thanks thanks for nearly everything we definitely would have done wouldn't we
00:46:42well obviously we we're as good as dead in a way really almost just keep telling yourself and we
00:46:50we'll have only better good night love
00:46:55our barrel
00:47:04Morning, previous generation.
00:47:26What's for breakfast?
00:47:31You knew it was your mother's birthday.
00:47:34Now, what we'd like to know is where were you
00:47:35while we were fiddling on the flaming roof?
00:47:37I'm sorry, Mum.
00:47:39I'll take you out another night. Something cropped up.
00:47:41Like what?
00:47:43Dad, you understand.
00:47:47I don't, Geoffrey.
00:47:49Well, you always say you do.
00:47:51Geoffrey, you're at it every night.
00:47:54Yes, Dad.
00:47:55And we don't complain. No, Dad.
00:47:57But last night was different.
00:47:58I knew you'd understand.
00:48:03Do you dare.
00:48:05Let's find it.
00:48:11MUSIC PLAYS
00:48:12PHONE RINGS
00:48:30Charlton for Pope. Long me reign. Amen.
00:48:33What's going on? Pound's down again.
00:48:36Up and down like a pair of knickers. You should know.
00:48:40Or me.
00:48:42Know what I mean?
00:48:44What a night.
00:48:46Wow.
00:48:48A lot.
00:48:50Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:56Hey lads, I picked up a bit of spare last night.
00:48:59Who didn't?
00:49:00No, it's true.
00:49:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:04It is.
00:49:06Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:10Bloody yes.
00:49:16Poor Geoffrey.
00:49:17Beryl, please. It's Neville's engagement party as well.
00:49:20He had to invite him.
00:49:22He'll see me. It's cruel.
00:49:24He'll see other girls.
00:49:26I shan't take him back, Sandra.
00:49:29I shan't.
00:49:31He can't.
00:49:32It's been two weeks.
00:49:33He may have got over you by now.
00:49:35Don't know much about men, do you, love?
00:49:39It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:49:40Finally splitting up.
00:49:41He only had one ambition in life.
00:49:43Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:49:45It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:49:47Finally splitting up.
00:49:48He only had one ambition in life.
00:49:49Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:49:51Good job she hasn't joined a rent.
00:49:52The entire knave had gone strike.
00:49:53It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:49:54Finally splitting up.
00:49:55He only had one ambition in life.
00:49:56Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:49:58Good job she hasn't joined a rent.
00:49:59The entire navy had gone strike.
00:50:00I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:01I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:02It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:50:03It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:50:05Finally splitting up.
00:50:06He only had one ambition in life.
00:50:10Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:50:13Good job she hasn't joined a rent.
00:50:15The entire navy had gone strike.
00:50:20I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:23I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:26She might have changed, of course.
00:50:29If she has, I might have let her have the old orgy now and again.
00:50:33He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:36Otherwise, I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:41Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:44At least I've got me pride.
00:50:47I left with their old baby.
00:50:49Oh, hi.
00:50:50Didn't see you.
00:50:51No, nor me.
00:50:53And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on, then?
00:50:57United.
00:50:58We're winning every game now.
00:51:00Oh, good.
00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey, then?
00:51:10Er, I asked you what was new with you.
00:51:11Actually...
00:51:16Did you?
00:51:17Need I say more?
00:51:20Pardon?
00:51:21And how's Beryl Baby getting on, then?
00:51:23Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl Baby.
00:51:27It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again.
00:51:30Beryl Baby.
00:51:33What's your name, handsome?
00:51:36You laugh.
00:51:37Everybody laughs.
00:51:38It's the story of my life.
00:51:40You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:50She's putting on an act.
00:51:53What do you care?
00:51:55I don't have a baby.
00:52:02Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:04Probably.
00:52:06Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.
00:52:09Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:11It is.
00:52:12Working in a bank.
00:52:13Oh.
00:52:15I had this bad scene, Miss Chip,
00:52:17and decided to split.
00:52:19So I...
00:52:22I had this bad scene, Miss Chip,
00:52:24and decided to split.
00:52:27So I...
00:52:29I had this bad scene, Miss Chip,
00:52:30and decided to split.
00:52:33So I cut off, man.
00:52:35Like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:39This cat gets it together where it's at, man.
00:52:44Lots of beautiful bag, baby.
00:52:47So if you want a piece of the action,
00:52:50don't cool it.
00:52:53Dig?
00:52:58Sorry, I no understand English.
00:53:02I don't know.
00:53:07Isn't that?
00:53:09I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.
00:53:13She has.
00:53:15And which is her husband?
00:53:17Neither.
00:53:22It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:23It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:31Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:34Great to dance to.
00:53:40Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:42Pardon?
00:53:44If so, what's death?
00:53:46Erm...
00:53:48A banana.
00:53:51Yes, I expect it is when you think about it.
00:53:55Have you read Schopenhauer's Concept of Existence?
00:53:59Erm...
00:54:01No.
00:54:02No.
00:54:04But I've seen the film.
00:54:06Are you married?
00:54:08No.
00:54:10Grab yourself an adage.
00:54:12Marriage is a cabbage.
00:54:14Are you a poet?
00:54:16Never ask the questions.
00:54:18Ask the answers.
00:54:20You are a poet.
00:54:22Trainee manager, Marks and Spencer's.
00:54:25Good job.
00:54:28I really dare you.
00:54:30Now he's taking his clothes off.
00:54:33What's on ITV?
00:54:36This.
00:54:38What's on BBC?
00:54:43Casinova.
00:54:45What's that like?
00:54:47This.
00:54:49Oh, come on, now.
00:54:51You know that's not where it's at.
00:54:53Let's get this...
00:54:54What's the word?
00:54:56Let's get it clear.
00:54:58Let's get down to the real nitty-gritty-sville, okay?
00:55:00Mm.
00:55:09Women's lip is not about burning bras.
00:55:13Papers, yeah.
00:55:15What papers?
00:55:17A marriage certificate.
00:55:18A dog's license, whatever you prefer to call it.
00:55:21Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.
00:55:23All girls want marriage and a wide wedding.
00:55:26Really basic?
00:55:27You want to be really basic?
00:55:28Utterly basic.
00:55:30Bulls.
00:55:32Gras?
00:55:34Enid.
00:55:36When Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.
00:55:39Well, like herself.
00:55:41Not me, of course, because I incredibly value my independence.
00:55:44But most girls definitely want...
00:55:46Bulls!
00:55:47If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...
00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything.
00:55:52I'm merely telling you what girls want.
00:55:54What?
00:55:55Bull!
00:55:57Would you please stop saying that?
00:56:00You believe in free love, right?
00:56:02Wrong!
00:56:03I believe in free everything, freedom from all-male chauvinists, pig domination.
00:56:06Honestly, don't you understand?
00:56:08Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:09If we're liberating society for the future, I'm sure.
00:56:10If we're liberating society for the future, I'm sure.
00:56:11Beryl, Gras, no thank you.
00:56:12Excuse me.
00:56:13Excuse me.
00:56:14You've got your hand on me.
00:56:15No!
00:56:16Ah!
00:56:18Oh, sorry.
00:56:19Well, I'm sorry.
00:56:20It's all right.
00:56:21Oh, gee.
00:56:22It's a pleasure.
00:56:23Gras?
00:56:24Geoffrey, you've knocked.
00:56:25Why not?
00:56:26I said don't.
00:56:27You're not to smoke it.
00:56:38Oh, wow.
00:56:40We're as liberated as you, Enid.
00:56:42We've equal importance as individuals.
00:56:44Neither of us is boss.
00:56:46It just doesn't arise.
00:56:48We'll make some coffee, kid.
00:56:50You see, what we believe is...
00:56:52Now!
00:56:53You see...
00:56:56Well, one.
00:56:58I can see there's only one way to get through.
00:57:05What are you doing?
00:57:06Lighting everybody's fire.
00:57:11Burn my bra.
00:57:16Right.
00:57:17That's it.
00:57:18Finished.
00:57:19The end.
00:57:20Full stop.
00:57:21We've finally split up.
00:57:24Neville, Sandra wants you.
00:57:26I should imagine.
00:57:29Sad, isn't it?
00:57:33Pathetic.
00:57:38Well, I can't follow plays these days.
00:57:41It's just show in real life, that's all.
00:57:44I once thought I'd found her.
00:57:45Perfect girl.
00:57:46Red hair.
00:57:47Not too skinny.
00:57:48Yeah.
00:57:49Very gentle and shy.
00:57:50Passionate when roused.
00:57:51Yeah.
00:57:52She packed me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick.
00:57:53You're very sweet, Roland.
00:57:54I've always thought you were.
00:57:55Did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?
00:57:56It's just I'm a bit tired.
00:57:57No, it's nice.
00:57:58It's nice.
00:57:59It's dry.
00:58:02Passionate when roused.
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:06I should pack me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick.
00:58:09You're very sweet, Roland.
00:58:12I've always thought you were.
00:58:17Did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?
00:58:20It's just I'm a bit tired.
00:58:22No, it's nice.
00:58:29I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:49Oh, sorry.
00:58:54You know...
00:58:55Come on, Beryl. She can ask me anything.
00:58:59Do you know where Geoffrey's got to?
00:59:04He's upstairs, I think.
00:59:11Is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:15Usually.
00:59:22I hate to be any trouble, but I think I'm dying.
00:59:25You'll be all right, honest.
00:59:27She said I shouldn't smoke it.
00:59:29Who?
00:59:30She said...
00:59:35Geoffrey?
00:59:38Geoffrey?
00:59:45Sorry.
00:59:52Geoffrey?
00:59:53Ooh.
00:59:54Ooh.
00:59:57Move up a bit, Geoffrey.
00:59:59Put your legs.
01:00:00Ooh.
01:00:01That's better.
01:00:06It's because it's your first time, isn't it?
01:00:12Ooh.
01:00:13Call Dr. Weisberg.
01:00:14Quilmslow Road.
01:00:21It wasn't marijuana, you know.
01:00:26What was it then?
01:00:28Grass.
01:00:30Grass is marijuana.
01:00:33This grass wasn't.
01:00:34It was the real thing.
01:00:35From the front lawn.
01:00:37It was the real thing.
01:00:39From the front lawn.
01:00:49Like you, Beryl.
01:00:50Had a nice time.
01:00:55Had a nice time.
01:00:57Even though it's three o'clock in the morning.
01:00:59Not that I mind.
01:01:01If you've had a nice time.
01:01:03Even though I've been in bed since ten, having a good night's worry.
01:01:08Did you see Geoffrey?
01:01:12That's good.
01:01:13Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:37I didn't try at all.
01:01:39Gave me to rest.
01:01:44I'm right off, birds.
01:01:46I am.
01:01:47I am.
01:01:49For good.
01:01:51Me too.
01:01:53And me.
01:02:14Your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:17Can I then?
01:02:43I am.
01:03:08A barrel.
01:03:10A barrel.
01:03:13A barrel.
01:03:15A barrel.
01:03:17A barrel.
01:03:19A barrel.
01:03:21A barrel.
01:03:23A barrel.
01:03:25A barrel.
01:03:27A barrel.
01:03:29A barrel.
01:03:31A barrel.
01:03:33A barrel.
01:03:35A barrel.
01:03:36MUSIC CONTINUES
01:03:42Hello.
01:03:44Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:52You're a bugger.
01:03:54I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:03Hello?
01:04:05It's me.
01:04:06Who?
01:04:07My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:09Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:10I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:13If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.
01:04:16Tonight or any other night.
01:04:18Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:21MUSIC CONTINUES
01:04:32MUSIC CONTINUES
01:04:35Good evening, Mrs. Battersby.
01:04:36I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:37Oh?
01:04:38Probably this one.
01:04:39Definitely.
01:04:40Magic in satin.
01:04:41Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:04:42Look, who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:04:44Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:04:46What a small world!
01:04:49Good evening, Mrs. Battersby.
01:04:50I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:52Oh?
01:04:53Probably this one.
01:04:56Definitely.
01:04:57Magic in satin.
01:04:58Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:00Definitely. Magic in satin.
01:05:02Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:04Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:10You'd like some nice fancy wrapping paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:17I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:19I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:22Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:25Beryl, listen.
01:05:26Can I help you, Meryl?
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:29No, madam.
01:05:30I'll leave it then.
01:05:40Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:44What doesn't?
01:05:45You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:46Wouldn't what?
01:05:49Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me?
01:05:53A football match?
01:05:54With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:57Told you.
01:06:00Who are they playing?
01:06:06Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the co-op.
01:06:10I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:16The...
01:06:18The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:20Shows you.
01:06:21Away from home, they've won three, drawn five and lost 12.
01:06:29Drawn five.
01:06:34So what do you think?
01:06:37I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38I think I nearly love you.
01:06:39I think I nearly love you.
01:06:40Never mind, it's only a game!
01:06:49I thought you said you nearly loved me!
01:06:54Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:06I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:13No, dear.
01:07:16I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to Watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:23We live in a permissive society, Beryl. Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love. And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up, even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, well, boys are very safe. And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:47I don't mean permissive, permissive.
01:07:51Let's see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:53Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:08:00Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:04What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:18Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:27Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:29The cowgills.
01:08:31The cowgills.
01:08:31Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:33Married couple.
01:08:34Newlyweds.
01:08:35Not long married.
01:08:36You go bald doing that.
01:08:37Doing what?
01:08:38Doing what?
01:08:39Did I tell you 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains?
01:08:43Living in sin.
01:08:44Living in sin.
01:08:44Well, I don't know.
01:08:45I don't know.
01:08:46I don't know.
01:08:47I don't know.
01:08:48I don't know.
01:08:49Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:00I don't know.
01:09:01I don't know.
01:09:03Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:08I don't know.
01:09:11What the hell do you do?
01:09:13Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:21If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano,
01:09:25would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31A barrel would.
01:09:35Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:38Oh, I wouldn't say that.
01:09:43I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:46What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person
01:09:51without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:53I never said you were!
01:09:54You think it!
01:10:09All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:10I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage?
01:10:16Never.
01:10:19Well, until I am.
01:10:20If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:31No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:36Sorry?
01:10:40No one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:44Not yet.
01:10:49What are you staring at?
01:10:51Hello?
01:10:52You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:11:01Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:04Hmm.
01:11:05My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:08Oh.
01:11:09What's your theory?
01:11:11Indigestion.
01:11:12Oh.
01:11:14What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:21Oh, what's that?
01:11:22If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:25The weeks and months dragged by, and with neither side willing to compromise, we still have deadlock.
01:11:35Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:40Another wild night learning what N.O. spells and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:44And what N.O. spells.
01:11:47And what N.O. spells.
01:11:48Great.
01:11:48I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.
01:11:52And so society, that's you and me, says, end this dispute.
01:11:58End it now.
01:12:00Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:03Good, wasn't he?
01:12:04Terrific.
01:12:05Especially when he said good night.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:14Being happy.
01:12:15Take two a day, after meals, and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:27You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:33That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:38Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:45Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:52You join a marriage bureau, and I'll get a job on the stage, twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:58Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:59Right?
01:13:00Right.
01:13:01For Jesus Christ, superstar, amen.
01:13:05Oh, Beryl.
01:13:07Beryl, pound's up again.
01:13:08See you tomorrow.
01:13:10Where do you think you're going?
01:13:11Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:21What is?
01:13:24I keep asking you what is.
01:13:28What is?
01:13:30To be on our own.
01:13:32What?
01:13:34So as we can talk.
01:13:36What?
01:13:37What?
01:13:41That old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:47The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:51Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United, and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well.
01:14:00Weird, isn't it?
01:14:01The main thing is, we do communicate.
01:14:14Oh, we do.
01:14:24See, what face would go on in?
01:14:25See, what I think...
01:14:26Go on.
01:14:27No, you.
01:14:28Mine wasn't important.
01:14:28Her mum wasn't.
01:14:41Beryl?
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:46happy?
01:14:49Of course.
01:14:51Very.
01:14:53I am.
01:14:54No-one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:15:01No.
01:15:03I'm not.
01:15:08Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:17Probably.
01:15:17I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:23Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:38Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:40No, I don't think so.
01:15:44Honestly, no.
01:15:46Nothing.
01:15:46If there is, you just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49There isn't anything.
01:15:50Honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:54It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It'd just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:15:58Like, you know, crimson shoes and bottled green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottled green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop to please you.
01:16:20I see.
01:16:20There's no need to be sensitive, Geoffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Geoffrey.
01:16:37Hand her lampshades.
01:16:38Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:42Well, you ought to know.
01:16:43You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:45Anything else at random?
01:16:47You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridget Bardot.
01:16:51According to reliable sources in San Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:55Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford
01:16:57can tell the difference between Bridget Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:02I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:04You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:05I am.
01:17:06Start slimming.
01:17:07Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:09If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:11You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you?
01:17:14Always.
01:17:15No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:16You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:17Do you know what some girls find extremely likable?
01:17:20The extremely likable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:28That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:33Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:42Neither did I.
01:17:43I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:05There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:07Thinking what I'm thinking.
01:18:30I used to try to go.
01:18:34Think so.
01:18:35We just don't like each other.
01:18:38At all.
01:18:51Oh, goodbye then.
01:18:54Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, ma'am.
01:19:00St Anne's Square.
01:19:01St Anne's Square, please.
01:19:13So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:19And what else do I need?
01:19:22Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:24Teething ring?
01:19:26Wedding ring?
01:19:27Of course.
01:19:28Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:35Oh, sorry.
01:19:37What about?
01:19:38Skip it.
01:19:40About time, too.
01:19:42With a sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:45I've never been as happy in my life.
01:19:47But she doesn't know that.
01:19:49If I'm looking miserable, Sandra,
01:19:51it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:58We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:08Ace.
01:20:11She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:13I won't tell you where.
01:20:14A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:19Wow.
01:20:24Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:27I know.
01:20:27Spells, no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:33Sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:35Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:42Yep.
01:20:43Coming to the crutch.
01:20:44Crunch.
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest, seeing him again.
01:20:51You mustn't think I'll be crying inside, because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:55And what's more, no one will know that I am, because I shan't.
01:21:00Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:04It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:16And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:19Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:21Fine.
01:21:22This is fine enough.
01:21:23Here?
01:21:24About there, lovely.
01:21:26You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:28Wow.
01:21:29Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:33Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:36That's right.
01:21:37Hold it.
01:21:39Lovely.
01:21:40Right, now, a nice family group with the parents, please.
01:21:43Funny.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime we first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:55That's it.
01:21:55Hold it like that.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:00It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:12See, President Nixon went to China, then?
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17Oh, yeah.
01:22:18Why?
01:22:19Has something happened about it?
01:22:21No.
01:22:21Oh?
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the sour cream, please?
01:22:24Hmm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going
01:22:31to the moon.
01:22:33Nixon?
01:22:33Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:46We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:54Everybody thinks we're broken-hearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it, myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Aw.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:19I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:24Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:32And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:46In bed, I bet.
01:23:51And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Walker.
01:23:54And marry her three days later.
01:23:59We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer going away, Case.
01:24:08Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:13Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:16I'll see you next time.
01:24:18Thank you, Erick.
01:24:42Hello, Mrs. Battersby. You won't remember me.
01:25:00Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:04Is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12But there is no football. It's cricket now.
01:25:15Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:40Hi!
01:25:42When's the kick-off?
01:25:45In about three months.
01:25:47Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:49Well, what on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:53I forgot.
01:25:55I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:59Where will you go now, then?
01:26:01Don't know.
01:26:05You could always go inside and practice booing for next season.
01:26:10Where will you?
01:26:12Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:14Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:18Fancy a stroll in the country.
01:26:19May as well, if you like.
01:26:21Don't mind.
01:26:22Why not?
01:26:24Just as friends.
01:26:25Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:27Yeah, I did.
01:26:35Wish we had a ball.
01:26:38Could play shooting in.
01:26:42You could go in goal.
01:26:43Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:27:02Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:20We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:25Anyone, really.
01:27:34There's millions to choose from.
01:27:36All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:40You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:43You will, Beryl.
01:27:45Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:48Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:56Outside, Out, Out!
01:28:05Outside, Outside!
01:28:08Outside, outside, outside, Diaz!
01:28:14That would be the driving room for the air.
01:28:16And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:57Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:21Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
01:29:32Love and rainy weather
01:29:34Love and rainy weather
01:29:35Love and rainy weather
01:29:36Love and rainy weather
01:29:37Love and rainy weather
01:29:38Love and rainy weather
01:29:39Love and rainy weather
01:29:40Love and rainy weather
01:29:41Love and rainy weather
01:29:42Love and rainy weather
01:29:43Love and rainy weather
01:29:44Love and rainy weather
01:29:45Love and rainy weather
01:29:46Love and rainy weather
01:29:47Love and rainy weather
01:29:48Love and rainy weather
01:29:49Love and rainy weather
01:29:50Love and rainy weather
01:29:51Love and rainy weather
01:29:52Love and rainy weather
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