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00:00Live from Melbourne, it's Jim Jeffries and Friends starring Chris Wainhouse, the UK's
00:12Georgie Carroll, Jason John Whitehead, the brilliant Ron Lewis and Steve Hughes.
00:19Now, give it up for Jim Jeffries!
00:30Hello, very excited, welcome to the show, it's called Jim Jeffries and Friends, I'm not
00:38a big tattoo guy, Australians love tattoos, anyone got tattoos?
00:41Yeah, you got one on your forearm, it's good, it's good, got that forever, don't ya?
00:49I've never liked anything that much.
00:52There's never been a thing in my life that I've gone, I like this topic so much that I'd
00:59like to see it on me every day.
01:02Have you got any of those who think they're important because they've put like, the dates
01:07of their children's birth, something like that, oh you got that, you've got the words, oh that's
01:14the time me child was born, here's a tip for ya, remember it, as soon as you put words on
01:27your, oh my god, you nauseating fuck, oh these are words, that are important to me, they,
01:39this is a saying that means something to me, then keep it on a bit of paper in your top
01:44pocket.
01:45I've never seen anyone go, well you know what I always say, it doesn't matter how many times
01:52you fall down, it's about how many, how many times you get back up.
02:01There was a girl that I dated and she had a tattoo, this is back when no one had tattoos,
02:06you know what I mean?
02:07They used to have a web page called Suicide Girls if you had tattoos.
02:10Now it's like, can I have my coffee, anyway so, so she had a tattoo with a very famous
02:15band on her forearm and I said to her, I said, oh you like that band?
02:20And she goes, like em?
02:23One time I went backstage at one of their concerts and I let them all fuck me at once.
02:33Now that's the privilege of the woman right there isn't it?
02:37Right in my heyday in the 90s, right?
02:40In the 90s, in my heyday, I couldn't have gone backstage at a Spice Girls concert.
02:50Just snuck in there and burst into their dressing room.
02:55Now girls, don't be alarmed, first of all, I love the show.
03:07So as a little prezzy to you, pew pew pew, you all get to do this.
03:20Except for you, Ginger, go get everyone drinks.
03:25Now I know what you think I'm doing there, you think I'm making fun of Geri Halliwell because
03:33she has red hair, because, you know, but that's not true, it's because she's the fattest.
03:39So, shame on you.
03:44Shame on you and your prejudices.
03:47Here's one thing I do want to talk about quickly in Australia.
03:50My wife's younger than me, right?
03:52Which is the only way to go, am I honest?
03:56Anyway, sorry.
03:58Um, no, my wife's in her 30s, I'm 47, and I was trying to tell my wife, she came out
04:05to Australia, and I was trying to tell her about, she goes, well, what did you do when
04:08you came home from school?
04:09Because I was a latchkey kid.
04:11And I said, I'd come in the house and I'd pour myself a bit of Milo, and then I'm already
04:15explaining what Milo is, right?
04:17You know?
04:18And then, and then I said, I'd put on me favourite afternoon kids show, which was called Come
04:23On Kids.
04:24Now, now, if you try to explain this to someone, don't do what I did and Google it.
04:33Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act?
04:39All right, start applauding, go crazy, build it up even more.
04:46Next level, please welcome Chris Whitehouse.
04:58Thank you so much.
04:59Yeah, look, I'm not going to lie to you, amateur hour is over.
05:04I'm hilarious.
05:06And famous.
05:08Yeah, not in Melbourne, where I live, politics.
05:11But, um, some places in this country, I am royalty.
05:16Some places, I'm a household name.
05:18For example, if you went to Townsville,
05:231300 kilometres north of Brisbane, with a population of 180,000 people,
05:31and then you rented a car and drove west.
05:37For about three hours.
05:40Well, you get to a place called Charters Towers.
05:44It's an old gold mining town.
05:46Population of 30 to 35,000 people.
05:52Now, you'd need to refuel the car there.
05:54Keep driving.
05:58But I live in Melbourne now.
06:01I notice you guys have a lot of cyclists.
06:04I don't know if you ride a bike.
06:06I don't.
06:07I drive a car because I'm a fucking adult.
06:15Maybe I'm jealous.
06:17Maybe if someone invited me cycling.
06:19Someone phoned me up and said,
06:21Hey, Chris, how would you feel about shaving your legs
06:25and dressing up like a can of Fanta?
06:32We'll go and exercise in front of people side by side
06:35while they're late for work.
06:38You'll be like, fuck, that sounds hilarious.
06:42But whenever I see a cyclist,
06:44I'll always give them a nice, long, friendly blast of the horn.
06:50For safety.
06:53Just so they know there's an adult on the road.
06:58Most of them appreciate that
06:59and will always give me a thank you wobble.
07:02I mean, you still get a few bad eggs
07:09who'd rather ride into a parked car before saying thank you.
07:16But I learned we weren't allowed within 1.5 metres of each other.
07:19Cars and bikes.
07:201.5 metres.
07:23So I've purchased a jousting stick.
07:26Measuring stick for legal reasons.
07:32And you'd be surprised
07:34at how many of these motherfuckers break that law.
07:41Mostly the children.
07:45I went to prison a wee while ago.
07:49Uh, yeah, prison.
07:50In my defence, I didn't know I was going to prison.
07:54I thought I was just going to court.
07:57But, uh, the judge got completely off the page
07:59and fucked it for everybody.
08:03Yeah, if I'd known I was going to prison,
08:05I wouldn't have even fucking gone to court.
08:11In fact, prison has ruined court for me.
08:15I doubt I'll ever go back to court.
08:19And you don't get to just go to prison.
08:21I had to have a strip search.
08:22I'm in a room with these two big dudes
08:24and they're barking instructions at me.
08:27Take your pants off.
08:29Take your shoes off.
08:31Uh, not in that order, obviously.
08:34That'd be mean.
08:36But, uh, I got asked questions in the strip search
08:38that I've not been asked before or since.
08:42Questions like,
08:44Do you have anything under your balls?
08:47And look, as weird as this may seem,
08:48I have never checked.
08:50That was an actual question
08:52presented to me by an adult man
08:56going about his normal day
08:59in his place of business
09:01in front of another colleague.
09:03Do you have anything under your balls?
09:06And look, as weird as this may seem,
09:10I have never checked.
09:15I mean, I like to assume there's a sticker
09:19that says, if you can read this, my balls have fallen off.
09:25But I don't know.
09:29So I was like, might I ask what you're looking for?
09:32And he was like, you know, something you could escape with.
09:37Like, under my balls?
09:40Has anybody escaped on foot?
09:44I have a set of those directly under my balls, right?
09:49So then I have to lift my own balls up,
09:55hoping like fuck a stepladder doesn't fall out
09:59because I'm in enough trouble, right?
10:03And they're like, oh, you've got nothing under your balls.
10:08And I'm like, well, fucking hurrah.
10:12Then they've got to check for contraband
10:14to make sure I'm not holding,
10:17I've got to rub my finger through the inside of my mouth
10:19to make sure I'm not holding anything in my mouth.
10:22And as I'm doing that, they say,
10:24is there anything in your mouth that shouldn't be in your mouth?
10:27I'm like, yeah, the taste of balls now, thanks to you.
10:38Yeah, is there a suggestion box?
10:40Then we have to have a cavity search.
10:47That's when they have a look inside of your bottom.
10:50You know, your bottom.
10:52Nature's pocket.
10:55That place where we just instinctively store
10:58our most prized possessions.
11:01And there's a big list of shit they're looking for,
11:04and shit is not on that list either, really.
11:07But there were some standouts.
11:10Keys.
11:12Keys.
11:14That made me laugh.
11:16Yeah, you can't take a key into prison.
11:18Hidden in your ass.
11:21I mean, it's a long shot.
11:26That the lock on your cell door
11:28would be the same as the one on your letterbox, Rylos.
11:33And thank you very much.
11:36See you later.
11:38Coming up, after the break, more of Jim and his mates.
11:43I think sex education started and ended at our dinner table
11:47after a particularly hectic emergency shift
11:50where I ended up saying,
11:52boys, if you're ever tempted to pop anything in your own ass,
11:55could you make sure it's nailed to a wall or on a lanyard?
11:57More to come on Jim Jefferies in France.
12:07Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you every comic is a killer.
12:10This next comic is no exception.
12:13Please welcome Georgie Carroll!
12:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:23Nice that you called me a killer.
12:25I was a nurse before I came a comic.
12:27So, bringing me on as a killer, I can't.
12:29So, yeah, we're going to talk, nurse-y.
12:31Don't worry, it won't get science-y.
12:33I was a nurse for 24 years and even at the end there,
12:36I got benign and malignant mixed up.
12:38Erm...
12:40I have, over the two decades,
12:42seen possibly everything you can see.
12:43I saw a crayon in a penis once.
12:46LAUGHTER
12:48I saw a crayon in a penis,
12:50not even what they came in with.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:54That's what we call a secondary find, that.
12:57LAUGHTER
12:59It's called a secondary find, a crayon in a penis, sir.
13:01You can imagine, I don't know what the other staff were doing
13:04because they've been in two days, they needed a piss.
13:06Quite obviously, needing a piss at this point.
13:09I stood him up and...
13:11Oh, you couldn't have missed it.
13:12It looked like Mr Squiggle himself.
13:15LAUGHTER
13:17And he...
13:19You need, you know, like, you need to be able to address
13:22really, sort of, delicate situations with a bit of tact as a nurse.
13:27I mean, I just went with, oh, is that a crayon in your penis?
13:30That's...
13:32It's a good job them curtains are soundproof, innit?
13:35LAUGHTER
13:36I took it out myself.
13:40What would you do?
13:42If your mate had a crayon in, would you take it out?
13:45LAUGHTER
13:46Or would you send them to hospital, like...
13:48I was just confronted with it and I was like, well...
13:51I've not done a course on this.
13:54LAUGHTER
13:56But I've not read a policy against it either.
13:58LAUGHTER
14:00Just give it a crack.
14:02I didn't write that down, did not document it anywhere.
14:05I thought that's just for me and him, that.
14:07Me and him, and you lot, and all the people at home.
14:11That's who I thought.
14:12LAUGHTER
14:14It only has to be confidential if it's not funny.
14:16That's what I'm going with.
14:18LAUGHTER
14:20Let's do some health education whilst I'm here.
14:21Write this, people.
14:23So I am dysregistered now, so I can say what I want.
14:25It's quite freeing.
14:27This...is the right weight for an adult human.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:32This, yeah.
14:33This is 105 kilos and I've eaten and drank everything I've wanted
14:36and I'm not dead yet.
14:38Crack on.
14:40Like...
14:41You're a very honest audience, aren't you?
14:43Like these...
14:45Are you quiet then?
14:46Because you're looking and like,
14:47that is not 105 kilos.
14:50Is that what just happened there?
14:53Oh, right, okay, right.
14:55105 kilos.
14:56I am technically, in old money, I'm 120,
14:59but I don't count my tits in that weight.
15:03You shouldn't have to count tits in the weight
15:05because they're not real fat.
15:06They're good fat like avocados.
15:09LAUGHTER
15:11It's quite ridiculous to me that any of the men in this audience
15:14get to weigh more on a body mass index tart.
15:17Swear, unless you've got testicles, sir,
15:20that jiggle out of a G-cup when you go on a brisk walk...
15:24LAUGHTER
15:26Am I also thinking that this room has maybe not weighed its tits?
15:29Is this a thing?
15:30Is anyone?
15:31Anyone?
15:32Oh, my God, and you're in lockdown forever
15:34and this never came...
15:35OK, you can just stick them on a scale at home, not in coals.
15:40Or...
15:44Or what you can do...
15:46This is, if you're comfy naked in front of someone else,
15:49you stand naked...
15:50This is how you get the most accurate measurement.
15:51You stand naked in front of the scales,
15:53get your mate to hold your boobs up,
15:55and then step on,
15:56and then within three seconds drop them,
15:59and it'll...
16:00LAUGHTER
16:01That's it, just knock that off your BMI,
16:06fuck it, have it.
16:08Doctors won't like what I'm saying here,
16:10they'll get reports,
16:11seven, they'll get little doctors typing it.
16:13Doctors can sod off, I swear to God,
16:15they're obsessed, aren't they?
16:16Oh, you can't have the operation till you've lost weight.
16:20Vets operate on elephants, give it a crack.
16:24Believe in yourself, doctor.
16:26LAUGHTER
16:29Right, I've got teenagers,
16:30I've got teenagers,
16:3116 and 18, right?
16:33If any of you are struggling with the teenage phase,
16:35what I want you to do,
16:36just chill out,
16:37nothing you do is making any difference,
16:38just grab yourself some popcorn,
16:40and marvel at how their self-belief
16:44far outweighs their skill set.
16:47LAUGHTER
16:48It's delicious,
16:49my boys correct David Attenborough
16:50when they're watching nature documentaries.
16:52You can't...
16:53You can't do that,
16:54he invented animals,
16:55like...
16:56You...
16:57You can't correct David Attenborough
16:58if you're the same two boys
16:59who have Googled
17:00what is Hitler's surname.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:06I told them it was Kardashian.
17:08LAUGHTER
17:10Right, let me just invite you
17:11to me dinner table.
17:12This is a dinner table,
17:13but it's not like yours,
17:14it's a nurse's dinner table.
17:15We talk about a lot of stuff at these,
17:17you know,
17:18it's just...
17:19We see horrific things at work,
17:21things that you wish you couldn't see,
17:22and then we think,
17:23oh, we'll tell the family about that
17:25when we get home.
17:26Like, I think sex education started
17:28and ended at our dinner table
17:30after a particularly hectic emergency shift
17:33where I ended up saying,
17:34boys, if you're ever tempted
17:36to pop anything in your own arse,
17:38could you make sure it's nailed to a wall
17:40or on a lanyard?
17:41LAUGHTER
17:50So what you're about to hear
17:51is not normal dinner party banter, right?
17:53Grandma starts this,
17:54it's all very innocent to begin with,
17:56Grandma starts with,
17:57oh, boys,
17:58remember how we used to watch Jackie Chan films
18:00with Grandad when you were little?
18:02I'm thinking of watching a Jackie Chan film later
18:03if you'd like to join me.
18:04Sweet, that, innit?
18:06The boys have stopped eating,
18:09they're pissing their sides.
18:11It becomes very clear,
18:13very rapidly,
18:15that we're not talking about the same Jackie Chan.
18:18LAUGHTER
18:20The year 11 and 12 boys of this nation
18:23are giving Jackie Chan a rebirth
18:25as a run out as a name for a sex term.
18:28I know you're all thinking this doesn't sound true,
18:30but at some point, sir,
18:31tea bags were just tea bags.
18:33LAUGHTER
18:38I don't know,
18:39some of them stick,
18:40I don't know if this one will,
18:41but Jackie Chan is now a sex term,
18:42the boys have obviously stopped eating
18:44because Grandma's going to whack off later.
18:46LAUGHTER
18:47And she's invited them along to watch.
18:49LAUGHTER
18:51That's a good laugh, sir.
18:53Anyway, she's pushing for it.
18:56Go on, boys,
18:57what's this sex move you're all doing?
18:59My husband's had it.
19:00Leave it, Jennifer.
19:01She goes,
19:02I've had sex, you know.
19:03I had your mum, boys.
19:05I've definitely had sex.
19:06No-one's eating now.
19:07The husband's stopped eating.
19:08Nobody is eating, right?
19:10Anyway, she goads them enough
19:12and Bob, my Robbie,
19:14my sweet little baby Bob, 16,
19:17he decides he is the best placed person
19:19at the dinner table
19:20to educate Grandma
19:22on the ways of modern Australian foreplay.
19:25LAUGHTER
19:27He says something
19:29you will never say to your Grandma.
19:32He says,
19:33Well, Grandma, Jackie Chan, right,
19:35it's a blowjob,
19:36but they karate chop your balls really quickly.
19:38LAUGHTER
19:44At the same time,
19:45has anybody ever said that to their Grandma?
19:48Grandma, it's a blowjob,
19:50but they karate chop your balls really quickly.
19:53At the same time,
19:54Grandma then says something
19:56you should never say to a grandchild.
20:00She said,
20:01Oh, you've not had a blowjob, have you, Robbie?
20:03LAUGHTER
20:08That wasn't the end of it, though.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:11Grandma says,
20:12My husband, he's had enough at this point.
20:16He said,
20:17he's either not had one
20:18or he needs to stop giving them.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:25He said he's going to kill a man with that technique.
20:27LAUGHTER
20:29Guys, I've been Georgie Carroll,
20:31follow me online or do whatever you want to do.
20:33See you on the night!
20:39Still to come,
20:40more of your favourite comedians
20:42and more Jim.
20:43Where are you from, mate?
20:44I'm from Manchester.
20:46I lived in Manchester.
20:47I got robbed at...
20:48Nice point!
20:58Ladies and gentlemen,
20:59this next comedian I lived with for...
21:02Oh, yeah, you've got to do your...
21:04Let me have a sip.
21:05LAUGHTER
21:08I've never got...
21:09What's your name?
21:10Craig.
21:11Craig, did you design all these tattoos?
21:13What was the idea behind that?
21:15That one...
21:17This one...
21:18This one just says,
21:19Soup!
21:21LAUGHTER
21:22Soup's good.
21:23Soup is good.
21:24You know what a good...
21:25You know what...
21:26I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, mate.
21:28But...
21:30Here's the thing.
21:31If you like soup...
21:32You don't have to...
21:33Just tell people.
21:34Yeah.
21:35LAUGHTER
21:36APPLAUSE
21:37Just...
21:38Just...
21:39You know...
21:40You know,
21:41I like soup.
21:42Don't believe me.
21:43Pain!
21:44LAUGHTER
21:45That's fucking soup, ladies and gentlemen.
21:57I don't mind the pictures.
21:59I don't like when...
22:00Get...
22:01Fucking...
22:02Quotes.
22:03You know these people who think they're special.
22:06Because they have words written...
22:07What have you got?
22:08What have you got?
22:09What have you got?
22:10What have you fucking got?
22:14What have you...
22:15What have you got?
22:16You got two exes?
22:17Yeah.
22:18What does that mean?
22:19One of my pals passed away.
22:20It's a commemorating...
22:21Oh, fucking...
22:22What is it with you fucking people and your sad fucking tattoos?
22:26Oh, one of my mates passed away so I had two exes.
22:30He's still fucking dead, mate.
22:32He's not going to turn it around.
22:33LAUGHTER
22:35I go...
22:36OK, so it's two exes.
22:38Yeah.
22:39And how does that...
22:40How does that represent your friend who passed away?
22:42What...
22:43It's like...
22:44It's like if there's a will, there's a way.
22:45I'm going to get slapped off it.
22:46If there's a will, there's a way.
22:47Yeah.
22:48If there's a will, you would have known about it by now.
22:51LAUGHTER
22:52Where...
22:53Where are you from, mate?
22:54I'm from Manchester.
22:55I lived in Manchester.
22:56I got robbed at night for it.
22:58LAUGHTER
22:59And then I lived in Wally Range.
23:01I had a machete put to my throat.
23:03This next comedian lived with me.
23:05He...
23:06He was out of the fucking house touring,
23:08doing the Melbourne Comedy Festival.
23:10I had a machete to my throat.
23:11Fucking...
23:12LAUGHTER
23:13Um...
23:14What made you come out to Australia?
23:15I've moved down here for work.
23:16Really?
23:17What work...
23:18What...
23:19What...
23:20What...
23:21What would you do?
23:22As a doctor.
23:23You work as a doctor?
23:24Yeah.
23:25Really?
23:26Yeah.
23:27Is that how your friend died?
23:28LAUGHTER
23:37You know what other doctor was from, Manchester?
23:39Harold Shipman, mate.
23:41LAUGHTER
23:42I've got to continue on.
23:43I know.
23:44I'm trying to get out of the bit.
23:45I was just talking...
23:46LAUGHTER
23:47I can't just go, that's why your friend died,
23:48and fuck off right away.
23:49LAUGHTER
23:50I have to finesse them back,
23:51or it's not fair on the other comedian.
23:52LAUGHTER
23:53I know, show business.
23:54LAUGHTER
23:55Ladies and gentlemen, I need you to start doing the American thing.
24:10Going crazy, going clapping, going...
24:11Start clapping!
24:12CHEERING
24:13I've known this comic for 25 years.
24:14I used to live with a guy.
24:15I love him to bits.
24:16Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...
24:17Jason John Whitehead!
24:18CHEERING
24:19All right.
24:32How you doing, man?
24:35We see a lot of weird situations in this comedy racket,
24:38but this seems like a little bit of fun.
24:40Woo!
24:42LAUGHTER
24:43I did a show in front of my Canadian parents recently,
24:46and I had to follow another comedian
24:48who did a ten-minute routine on eating ass.
24:52LAUGHTER
24:53Look, I'm a pure comic.
24:55Whatever you want to talk about, you go for your life.
24:58This kid loved eating ass.
25:00LAUGHTER
25:01Ten solid minutes on eating ass.
25:03You can see the questioning look in some of your eyes.
25:06This is contemporary eating ass.
25:09I'm aware it's changed meaning over the years.
25:12In the 80s, it just meant you fell off your BMX.
25:15You fell off your BMX really hard.
25:18LAUGHTER
25:20In the 2000s, we got sensitive.
25:22We changed it to tossing salad for a bit.
25:24LAUGHTER
25:25Now, somehow, the least sexual generation we've ever had
25:29is the most blunt.
25:30And eating ass...
25:32is eating ass.
25:34LAUGHTER
25:36It's eating ass.
25:38It was fine. The show was fine on the night.
25:40It didn't get awkward until the next day at dinner
25:43with my sweet Canadian parents.
25:46LAUGHTER
25:47And my mother's elbowing my father, going,
25:49Ask him.
25:50Ask him, Ken.
25:52LAUGHTER
25:54I was like, oh, God, what's coming here?
25:56And my father perked up and said,
25:58Son, we want to talk to you about that comedian last night
26:01who kept talking about eating ass.
26:03I was like, oh, fun.
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07Fun dinnertime conversation, Mum and Dad.
26:10Pass the salt.
26:11What would you like to know?
26:13LAUGHTER
26:14And then my father said,
26:15Well, your mother and I, we don't understand
26:17why he had to keep saying eating ass.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21Why couldn't he switch it up?
26:22Why didn't he say sucking up?
26:24Or being a brown noser?
26:27LAUGHTER
26:29I was like, oh, no, Mum and Dad.
26:32It's way different than what you're thinking.
26:35And I don't think I can explain it to you over meatloaf.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:40I, uh, I helped a friend through a divorce recently
26:43and I learned a lot about male friendship.
26:47I, uh, you know, we've all had to help people
26:50through times of trouble
26:51and all our relationships and friendships
26:53right, fellas?
26:55And ladies, you're just better at it.
26:58LAUGHTER
26:59You women, you know what to do, don't you?
27:01When you've got a woman down,
27:02you know how to raise her up.
27:04You've got a system.
27:05You put it into action.
27:07It's amazing.
27:08We're not good at it as men.
27:11You're terrible when a woman's on top,
27:12but you're great.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15When a woman is down.
27:18You know...
27:20Melanie's in trouble.
27:21We've got to help her out.
27:23Melanie's really successful right now.
27:25Screw that bitch.
27:26I never liked her.
27:27LAUGHTER
27:28You just better watch my female friends in action
27:31when they've got a woman down, you know?
27:33Jennifer and Candace.
27:34Melanie's been tough.
27:35We've got work to do.
27:37Grab your travelling pants.
27:39Let's go.
27:40And you rush over to your friend's house, don't you?
27:42Toughest friend stands up front, going,
27:44he's not getting back in here.
27:47Inside, you crack the first drink.
27:50You say kind things.
27:52Supportive.
27:53You know?
27:54It'll be alright, Melanie.
27:55You deserve better anyway.
27:57He didn't deserve you.
27:59The right one will be along soon.
28:01And then ten drinks later,
28:04you're plotting how to kill him.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:07When we've got a man down,
28:08we're quick to rush to his side,
28:10but it's mostly to make fun of him.
28:13LAUGHTER
28:14Gary, Steve, did you hear that Jim got dumped?
28:16Well, let's get over there
28:17and see if we can make him cry.
28:19LAUGHTER
28:21Within ten minutes of having his friends around,
28:23every divorcing man realizes that things can get worse.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:27Nine of us standing around my buddy, right?
28:29He's in the fetal position, he's crying,
28:31he thinks his world is over.
28:33And then one of my buddies said,
28:35well, we should take him to a strip club.
28:37LAUGHTER
28:39And in unison, we all went,
28:40that's a great idea, that's...
28:42LAUGHTER
28:43That's exactly what needs to happen right now,
28:45which is ridiculous.
28:47Taking a newly single man to a strip club makes no sense,
28:50that's like if his car got stolen
28:52and a bunch of dudes rocked up and went,
28:54aw, man, forget about your car,
28:56we'll take you to a showroom.
28:58LAUGHTER
28:59Show you a bunch of other vehicles
29:02that you can't afford.
29:04LAUGHTER
29:05And you're not allowed to get in.
29:08LAUGHTER
29:09APPLAUSE
29:11Thanks for hanging over here.
29:13This is your way.
29:14Have a good time to meet up.
29:15APPLAUSE
29:17Coming up, Steve Hughes and Bron Lewis.
29:23The dog...
29:25was wearing cargo pants.
29:27LAUGHTER
29:28Cargo pants are reserved for soldiers and lesbians,
29:31not cavoodles!
29:32APPLAUSE
29:33Ladies and gentlemen, let's keep moving with our next comedian,
29:45a rising star on the Australian comedy circuit.
29:48Can you please welcome Bron Lewis?
29:51APPLAUSE
29:53Hello, Melbourne.
29:57I'm originally from a place called Wagga Wagga.
30:01Hold the applause.
30:03Um...
30:04I live here now, in the city,
30:06but, um, you guys make fun of country people.
30:08People in the city, when you're here,
30:10but someone's from the country, you're like,
30:11oh...
30:12No...
30:14You're stupid.
30:16I'm like, okay, whatever, mate.
30:18Anyway, recently I went back to Wagga,
30:20and I have to say...
30:22You're spot on.
30:23LAUGHTER
30:25It's not going well in Wagga.
30:27It is not going well in Wagga.
30:29Something's in the water.
30:30It's ice.
30:31I'm worried about Wagga!
30:33LAUGHTER
30:34Our dogs in the country, though,
30:36they are different to here in the city.
30:38They are, cos our dogs in the country are really useful.
30:40Like, they have...
30:41They have a purpose,
30:42and they understand their place, you know.
30:46And I live in inner city Melbourne,
30:48and where I live,
30:49dogs wear clothes.
30:51LAUGHTER
30:52That never sits right with me.
30:54Dogs in clothes is weird.
30:56Like, I understand a little bandana.
30:58You need to know if they're from the Crips or the Bloods.
31:00But anything else is fucking insane, okay?
31:03Went for a walk in my area.
31:05I live in Brunswick.
31:06Went for a walk in my area just recently,
31:08and I was standing at the pedestrian crossing
31:10waiting for a little band to go green.
31:12A lady pulled up with a pram.
31:14LAUGHTER
31:17I looked in the pram.
31:19It wasn't a baby.
31:20It was a dog.
31:21Wait!
31:22That's not the fucking insane bit.
31:24LAUGHTER
31:25The dog...
31:26was wearing cargo pants.
31:28LAUGHTER
31:31Cargo pants!
31:33The dog was wearing cargo...
31:34I was instantly embarrassed.
31:35I was like,
31:36that is mortifying.
31:37He looked embarrassed.
31:38He was all, like, blushing.
31:40I'd never seen a dog blush before.
31:41He was wearing cargo pants.
31:42He was wearing cargo pants.
31:43I reserved for soldiers and lesbians,
31:45not cavoodles.
31:47LAUGHTER
31:48What are they doing?
31:49I was like,
31:50fuck, you can't take him to the park.
31:52He's going to get bashed by the staffies.
31:54LAUGHTER
31:56But she could see me looking at him,
31:58and she kind of looked at me,
31:59and she was waiting for a compliment,
32:01and the best I could muster was like,
32:03fuck.
32:04LAUGHTER
32:05That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.
32:08LAUGHTER
32:09We can communicate differently there.
32:14I love...
32:15I love going back home
32:16and watching anyone from the city
32:17try and work out how country people work,
32:19cos you don't.
32:20We communicate two different ways.
32:22The first way is just by nodding.
32:24Just lots of nods,
32:25and each nod means something different.
32:27I'll give you an example of four nods.
32:29You'll use them.
32:30OK.
32:31This one...
32:33that means hello.
32:34LAUGHTER
32:35This one...
32:38that means sorry,
32:39I drove your ute into the dam.
32:41LAUGHTER
32:48This one...
32:50means I'd like to root you.
32:52LAUGHTER
32:54It's a romantic one.
32:56And this one...
32:57means I'm gonna fucking kill you.
32:59And you do not want to get the last two mixed up.
33:01OK.
33:02LAUGHTER
33:03It could be the most aggressive route of your life.
33:05LAUGHTER
33:07The other way to communicate if you're not a nodder
33:09is by talking heaps.
33:11Using every word you know,
33:12all the time.
33:13Just talking so much.
33:14Even when everyone's left the room,
33:15they're still talking.
33:16This is usually reserved by the older ladies of the town.
33:18When I was in Wagga last time,
33:20I went into the news agency,
33:22and the lady who was working there,
33:24I did not know her from a bar of soap.
33:25OK.
33:26Never met her in my life.
33:28But before I walked in,
33:29it was as if she was expecting me.
33:31LAUGHTER
33:32The second I walked in, she went,
33:33Hello, love.
33:34It's warm today, isn't it?
33:35Unusually warm.
33:36Never used to get this warm.
33:37When I was a kid,
33:38you used to be able to walk outside without your shoes.
33:39I have to wear Mumma's sewer sandals everywhere.
33:41I've got the tan ones each time.
33:42They used to get the black ones.
33:43A bit too edgy for me in my older age.
33:45I've got the bumpy ones.
33:46They're good for your feet.
33:47They take ages to wear in.
33:49But I think it's worth it.
33:50It's good for your health.
33:51They used to be 30 bucks from the chemist.
33:53Now they're like $70.
33:54But I think it's worth it.
33:55My mum always said,
33:56look after your health.
33:57My mum would have hated this heat.
33:59She's died, of course.
34:00I miss her every day.
34:01My Aunty Faye misses her
34:02because she's never been the same since Mum's died.
34:04Uncle Mark, he's also changed.
34:06He's also...
34:07But he's always been a bit simple, you know.
34:09I reckon Nan dropped him,
34:10but she was doing her best.
34:11I reckon it would have been hard to be a mum in those days.
34:14It would have been really hard.
34:15They didn't even have washing machines.
34:17I use my washing machine every day.
34:19I've got a really good one.
34:20My husband doesn't know how to use it, God.
34:22But that's a story for another day.
34:24Four doors down from me is Greg.
34:25Greg always asks me if he could use my washing machine
34:28and I always say,
34:29no, Greg, you can't because you're a liar.
34:30And he's a liar.
34:31He's always been a liar.
34:32He's a liar at primary school.
34:33Primary school teachers thought he was great.
34:35And I used to say, he's a liar.
34:37And they were like, shush.
34:38And they always shushed me.
34:39I don't know if it's because I was a girl
34:41or because he was such a good liar.
34:43And then in high school he was a liar.
34:45And everyone just believed him then.
34:46And I would say, he's a liar.
34:48And they'd say, shush, shush, shush to me.
34:50And then my friend Narelle, she had a crush on him.
34:52I said, don't go there, Narelle.
34:53Don't go there, Narelle.
34:54He's a liar.
34:56And they didn't even care.
34:57And then she went out with him.
34:58And then they had kids.
35:00And they're the ugliest kids I've ever seen in my life.
35:03But I wouldn't say that to her, of course,
35:05because I'm shy.
35:06And by this time...
35:14And she's showing absolutely no signs of stopping.
35:18Her face is going blue.
35:19I'm worried she's going to die.
35:20You know?
35:21And I think, I can't get a word in edgewise.
35:23I'm going to have to find another way to make her stop talking.
35:26And I think, fuck it.
35:27I'm going to have to intimidate her.
35:30So I went...
35:35And she went, oh no, love.
35:36I'm married.
35:38Thanks very much!
35:42After the break, the hilarious Steve Hughes.
35:46Personally, I think I'm doing alright at my age.
35:48Still got my hair, you know?
35:50No beer gut.
35:53Still got the skin of a Japanese boy.
35:57Underneath my house.
36:01Which is weird.
36:11This man is a very important voice in Australian comedy.
36:14If there was a book on Australian comedy,
36:16you would have to write a chapter about this bloke.
36:19Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Steve Hughes.
36:31Alright.
36:32So nice to be here.
36:33I was in the UK for a few years recently.
36:36And, uh...
36:39I was sitting there one night and I thought, you know,
36:41I could do with a change.
36:45I thought to myself, where could I go in the world...
36:47where I can pay 75 bucks for smokes.
36:58I thought, well, the lucky country.
36:59Where else?
37:0270...
37:03That used to be my rent.
37:04For you younger people, back in the 80s, that was a down payment on a house.
37:09Right?
37:11I was in the tobacconist with me mate the day I got here.
37:14He knew the fellow.
37:15He introduced me.
37:16This is me mate Steve.
37:17Just got in from the UK today.
37:18I said, yeah, you got any of that rolling tobacco?
37:20The organic stuff?
37:21He goes, yeah.
37:22You just got in today, did you?
37:23I said, yeah.
37:24He goes, take a seat.
37:28I said, why?
37:29He goes, I'm going to tell you the price, mate.
37:30And, uh...
37:34I don't want you falling over because my insurance ain't up to date.
37:3975...
37:40I couldn't...
37:41Morally, I couldn't bring myself to give anybody 75 bucks of cigarettes.
37:43You know what I mean?
37:44Just morally, I couldn't do it.
37:45So...
37:46So I just punched him in the face and took him.
37:48You know what I mean?
37:49Just...
37:51You don't want to betray your morals.
37:52You don't want to betray your morals.
37:57It's the modern world, man.
37:58I'm too old.
37:59I'm getting too old now to deal with it.
38:00I'm...
38:01The digital age, I'm not...
38:02I'm not interested.
38:03You know?
38:07I'm not totally old yet.
38:09I've just reached the age where if I have sex with a woman in her 40s,
38:12I'm sleeping with young chicks.
38:13You know?
38:14Just, uh...
38:17If I sleep with a woman in her 20s, I get put on the sex offenders register.
38:21And, uh...
38:22Have to go around the neighbourhood and tell everybody what I've been up to.
38:25You know?
38:26Which is...
38:27Which is what I used to do anyway.
38:29Just for fun.
38:30My buddy, he turned 50.
38:31Had a bit of a meltdown turning 50.
38:33You know what I mean?
38:34Just freaking out.
38:35Going, Steve, I'm 50 now, mate.
38:36You know?
38:3750?
38:38Who'd have thought it, mate?
38:39Middle aged.
38:40I was like, you're not middle aged.
38:42Yes.
38:43Yes, you don't think so?
38:44I said, nah, mate.
38:45You...
38:46You won't see 60.
38:47You know, like...
38:52He started to try and calm himself down with a few tropes.
38:55Yeah.
38:56Yeah.
38:57The old age one.
38:58Oh, yeah.
38:59I guess it's alright.
39:00They're getting older, Stevie, you know?
39:02With old age comes wisdom.
39:03Hey.
39:04Yeah.
39:05I went, yeah.
39:06Yeah.
39:07Well, not if you're a dumb c**t.
39:10But, you know...
39:11You don't just turn 70 and it all pans out.
39:17You know, you gotta...
39:18You gotta cultivate the wisdom.
39:20You know.
39:21You can't just sit around drinking beer and watching footy, you know?
39:24Go to the blues!
39:25Go to the...
39:26Fuck, I think I know how black holes work.
39:28Right?
39:29It doesn't...
39:30It doesn't pan out like that.
39:32I don't mind getting older.
39:33Right?
39:34Some gentlemen, my friends, they're freaking out they're getting older.
39:37Personally, I think I'm doing alright in my age.
39:39Mid-fifties, you know?
39:40Still got me hair, you know?
39:42No beer gut.
39:44Still got the skin of a Japanese boy.
39:47Underneath my house, which is weird.
39:54And, uh...
39:55Because middle-aged men, you'll understand, this is a certain...
40:01This doesn't affect you, ladies.
40:03I'm assuming so.
40:04This is a certain age where men reach where it's very difficult to date women
40:08because, you know, we have to shave our ears.
40:12Yeah, all the men know and I'm sort of the middle-aged because for some reason, you know,
40:19all my life I've had perfectly beautiful, virgin, like porcelain ears.
40:23Just...
40:24Like a couple of naked Swedish teenagers just hanging off me head.
40:27Right?
40:28And then you reach a certain age and life goes, well, this should help.
40:33You know, he's middle-aged, his wife left, maybe we could help out.
40:40You know?
40:43Meet some chicks.
40:46And that's when your eyebrows go, fuck it, we'll help too.
40:57I'm alright with the nose.
40:58I did too many drugs in the 90s.
40:59Nothing's coming out of there.
41:00Right?
41:01But...
41:03But then, of course, you've got to wear the glasses now.
41:05And you're trying to shave your eyebrow, but you can't do it with the glasses on.
41:08You can't see it with the glasses off.
41:09So you're sitting there just...
41:12So then you just have to walk out.
41:13G'day, ladies.
41:14What's going on?
41:19Because when I lived in Manchester, the gym, where we did live together,
41:22we got robbed.
41:23Then after the robbery, I moved out and moved to a flat near Canal Street,
41:26which is the gay area of Manchester, obviously next to a canal.
41:31That's one of the gay bars and stuff.
41:33And I was with my scouser, mate, one day.
41:34Scousers are from Liverpool.
41:35It's about 40 miles away.
41:36He'd come over.
41:37He goes, we'll go and have a beer.
41:38I said, yeah.
41:39I just need a gay village.
41:40Drop in there.
41:42We're in the bar.
41:43Suddenly he looks at me.
41:44He goes, I used to have an earring in my right ear.
41:45He goes, you've got an earring in your right ear?
41:46I was like, yeah.
41:47He went, this is a gay bar, mate.
41:49Well, you know, it will be right.
41:51He goes, no, I'm just telling you, I'm not freaking out.
41:53It's just that, you know, in the gay scene in Manchester,
41:56you've got an earring in your right ear.
41:57It's like a sign.
42:00Let the other gay guys know that you're gay, mate.
42:03I'm like, really?
42:04Yes, yeah, mate.
42:06That's what's weird, isn't it?
42:08I had to tell him, see, in Australia, right,
42:10it's when you've got your cock in another man's arse.
42:12All right.
42:13I'm going to split.
42:14Thank you very much.
42:15Have a wonderful evening.
42:16Thank you very much.
42:17Thank you, gentlemen.
42:18Give it up for Mr. Steve Hughes.
42:20Did we all have a good night?
42:22Give a round of applause for all the comedians you've seen tonight?
42:23Thank you very much.
42:24Thank you very much.
42:25Have a wonderful evening.
42:26Thank you very much.
42:27Thank you, gentlemen.
42:28Give it up for Mr. Steve Hughes.
42:29Did we all have a good night?
42:30Give a round of applause for all the comedians you've seen tonight?
42:35Thank you so much.
42:48Good night.
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