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00:00Right, house meeting.
00:17Can you pack it in with a harpsichord?
00:19We know what century it is.
00:21Charming.
00:22Right, weird one.
00:24No one is using the special new room for having a shit.
00:28Come on, you know who you are.
00:29You're all of you.
00:31I've just had a shit in there and it's obvious no one else has
00:33because the date on the arse-wiping newspaper
00:35is still the same date as when the water closet was originally installed.
00:40What is the problem?
00:41I don't see the point of it.
00:43Why do we have to go to a whole special room just to do a shit?
00:46What's wrong with just shitting in a pot and throwing it out the window?
00:49Yeah, and what happens when you want to do a shit
00:51and you go to the special room for doing a shit
00:53and someone's in there already?
00:54Well, you just have to wait.
00:56Wait? To do a shit?
00:58How is this a step forward?
01:00Answer, it isn't.
01:02It's worse.
01:03We are all perfectly happy doing our turds in pots
01:05and then hurling them out the window.
01:07But imagine if everyone did that.
01:09I don't have to imagine if everyone did that.
01:11Everyone does do that.
01:12It's called London.
01:13But this flush technology is so exciting.
01:16It's the future.
01:17Your shit lands in this little pool of water
01:20and sometimes you get a slight splash up the bum.
01:23Why is that good?
01:24Okay, that's not the point of it.
01:25Who wants to splash up the bum?
01:27Look, don't fixate on the splashing.
01:29I don't know why I mentioned that.
01:30What's good is that when you've finished,
01:33you pull the handle and the shit just goes.
01:36Forever.
01:37You don't have to worry about it.
01:38I don't worry about it when I chuck it out the window.
01:40I don't give it another thought.
01:41No, it's better because now it's not just piled up on the road.
01:45It's in the river.
01:46Where the poor people go to wash.
01:48Yes, but you're missing the point.
01:50Fuck them.
01:51We have a nice tidy house.
01:52Not really.
01:53There's still piss everywhere.
01:55But you're supposed to piss in there as well.
01:57What?
01:58You're supposed to use the special water closet when you want to piss.
02:02For a piss?
02:03We're supposed to go in there whenever we want to piss.
02:06Like, every time.
02:07It's just not workable.
02:09You go in the room, you come out of the room.
02:11I have other things to do.
02:13And how do you piss in there anyway?
02:15You're supposed to go in there and take your trousers off and sit down.
02:18Because what's going to happen?
02:19Ooh, the world might end if I get piss on my trousers.
02:22That's basically all they're for, isn't it?
02:24Soak up the piss?
02:25You just think everything modern is good, don't you?
02:28You were the same with not rounding up women who were good at herbal remedies and drowning them.
02:33Oh, that was creepy.
02:34Oh, let's not drown the women and let's all go in a special room for pissing and shitting.
02:39What kind of future are you imagining?
02:41One full of witches and no shit.
02:44In what single way would that be better?
02:47Hmm?
02:55Hi.
03:02Don't need a tray for the case.
03:04Um, sorry?
03:05Don't need a tray for the case.
03:06Um, don't need a tray for the case!
03:09Oh, yes, I'm sorry, I didn't hear.
03:11Case in the tray.
03:12Oh, but then...
03:13Case in the tray.
03:14Yes.
03:15In a tray.
03:16In a tray.
03:17Yes.
03:17Case in the tray.
03:18Shoes off.
03:23Oh.
03:24Should I take my shoes off?
03:25No.
03:29Should I put the shoes in the tray?
03:31In the tray?
03:32Yes.
03:33Yeah.
03:35Is that switched off?
03:37Yeah.
03:37Is it?
03:38Um, I don't...
03:40Oh, I turned it on now.
03:43On?
03:43It can't be on.
03:44You're trying to crash the aeroplane.
03:46No.
03:46Off.
03:47Yeah, sorry.
03:47What are you doing?
03:50I'm taking my belt off.
03:52Who told you to strip?
03:53Sorry, sometimes...
03:54Why are you getting undressed in public if you've got a problem?
03:56Sorry.
03:57You can smell your socks.
03:59You're so sweaty.
04:00Sorry, I...
04:01I had to rush to get to the check-in and it...
04:04You look very shifty and guilty.
04:06Yes.
04:07Sorry.
04:08Do we need the case after this?
04:09Passport ready?
04:10Yes.
04:10Get your passport ready.
04:11Yes.
04:11Passport ready!
04:12Passport!
04:13Get your passport!
04:14Passport ready!
04:15Get your passport ready!
04:16Have you got your passport?
04:18Is it ready?
04:19What's it you doing?
04:20Look at that, man.
04:21Leave it.
04:22Leave it.
04:22Move it on.
04:23Where is it?
04:24Is it in the tray?
04:24Wait!
04:29Previously on Swearie Aussie Drama...
04:33Fucking fuck, fuckface.
04:37What the fuck's going on?
04:39One cock-sucking minute with one fucking number
04:42and the fucking next with a fucking nutter.
04:44You've cocked up the count, you dozy prick.
04:47Fuck off, you smelly old asshole.
04:49I've cocked up fucking fuck all.
04:51Those numbers are solid as a fucking rock.
04:53Don't you fucking fuck with me, you little prick, or you'll not get the fucking farm.
04:58If you're still drawing breath, I don't want your cunt fucking farm, you dozy old twat.
05:11Did you tell my fucking husband you went giving him the farm, you dick-breath old prick?
05:16Fuck yeah, and I'd tell him a fucking gen and fuck him up the ass for fucking free.
05:21He cocked up the count.
05:23I've fucking kept this fucking farm together by the skin of my fucking teeth,
05:28and I'll beat seven shades of shit out of you and every fucking dozy cock-sucking fuckface in the fucking place
05:35before I let you give it a fucking way!
05:43I'm giving the fucking farm to this cunt.
05:48For fuck's sake.
05:49For crying out fuck!
05:51This is my fucking farm!
05:54Welcome to the fucking family.
05:56A suitcase isn't just a suitcase.
06:12It's a symbol.
06:14Our newest suitcase doesn't just carry your clothes.
06:22It carries the envy of anyone who dare lay eyes on it.
06:34Four sliding wheels.
06:42Five levels of readjustable handles.
06:45I know.
06:47Five levels of readjustable poses.
06:59Four.
07:00Yes.
07:01Six.
07:02Seven.
07:03Canon-eyed suitcase, it will fuck you up.
07:12If we had the budget, then that sketch would be about cars, wouldn't it?
07:16So the car goes past, everyone goes, wow.
07:19Yeah, but it wouldn't be funny if it was about cars.
07:21It wouldn't be an exaggeration, because that's literally what they do.
07:24Like, you'd be amazed at a Mazda. Really?
07:27Maybe if you time-traveled from the Middle Ages,
07:29but otherwise it's just a normal car, isn't it?
07:31And if you've time-traveled from the Middle Ages,
07:33you've just seen the inside of a time machine,
07:35which would also totally recontextualise the Mazda
07:38as comparatively mundane.
07:40Mm. They are good, though.
07:42What, Mazdas?
07:43No, just all normal cars now are much better than they used to be.
07:46I mean, just in terms of defrosting.
07:48You know, it's 1991 and you're getting into your second-hand Datsun Cherry
07:52on a cold and frosty morning.
07:54That is half an hour of intense shit.
07:56Scraping it, spraying it with cans of poison,
07:59kicking it, blowing on it, begging the fucking thing to go.
08:02You're just so old.
08:04This is like an oral history project.
08:06You're like a historical person telling us about the Spitting Jenny.
08:10Yes.
08:11I'm old enough to remember when crisp packets had little windows in
08:14so you could see the crisps inside.
08:16Was good.
08:17Yeah, the crisp packets was good, but, you know, not the dog shit,
08:20the racism or the cars.
08:21You could literally see the crisps you're going to get
08:24rather than an idealised representation of them.
08:26So if there were too many that were a little bit green round the edges,
08:29you could just move on.
08:30What? Crisp used to be green on the edge?
08:32In Britain, some of them, yes. Not most, but a few.
08:35Would you eat them anyways?
08:37What?
08:38Invariably.
08:43Is it...
08:44Is it okay to come through?
08:46Are you ready?
08:47Come on, sir, we've got a lot of people waiting.
08:48It's not all about you.
08:49Right.
08:50Wait!
08:52Come on, then!
08:54No, no, no, no, no.
08:55Go back, go back, go back, go back.
08:56No, no, no, no.
08:57No.
08:58Do it like this, with a wiggle.
09:03Ignore the beep, it's cos I've got a gun.
09:04Come on, then!
09:05What are you doing?
09:10Ricky told me if it's on you go.
09:13Hat!
09:15Hat!
09:16Hat!
09:17Oh, yeah, sorry.
09:18Sorry.
09:20Trey!
09:21Trey!
09:22Trey!
09:23Trey!
09:24Yes.
09:25Wait!
09:26Come on, then!
09:29Watch!
09:30Oh, sorry.
09:31Watch!
09:32Yeah, my bad.
09:33Give it to me.
09:34That's fine, now.
09:35Have a lovely flight.
09:36Oh, thank you.
09:37Body pass!
09:38Body pass!
09:39Help!
09:40Help!
09:41Help!
09:42Help!
09:43Help!
09:44Help!
09:45Help!
09:46Help!
09:47Help!
09:48Help!
09:49Help!
09:50Help!
09:51Help!
09:52Help!
09:53Help!
09:54can you UnterstΓΌtzung,
09:55help!
09:56walk!
09:57Help!
09:58We'vebeck!
09:59Help!
10:00Help!
10:01loos!
10:02That's your reap-
10:15quandoη©!
10:16Hall wiseno.
10:18That must be very difficult.
10:22Yes, it is.
10:24And I suppose I've been hoping that,
10:27as I've been coming here every week for the last three years,
10:31that you would, in some way, not cure me, exactly,
10:37but, OK, cure me.
10:40I mean, tell me what to do in order to feel better.
10:43It's understandable that you would want that.
10:45Well, I do want that.
10:46Of course you do.
10:48But you don't seem to be doing that.
10:50That must be hard.
10:51It is hard.
10:53So how does it feel when I don't seem to do anything to help you?
10:57It feels shit.
10:59Of course.
11:01OK, good. So I'm going to press you.
11:04I feel relentlessly unhappy in my brain
11:06from a combination of what has happened to me and what I'm like.
11:09Well...
11:10And I understand that what I am like may be a product of what has happened to me.
11:13And?
11:14And that some of the things that have happened to me
11:16may be because of what I'm like.
11:18Mm-hmm.
11:19Yes, mm.
11:19So what are you going to do to fix me?
11:22Well, that's not really how we work.
11:24OK, if I wanted someone to deliver a tumble dryer
11:28and I asked them to put the tumble dryer in the tumble dryer space
11:32and they said, that's not really how we work,
11:36I wouldn't pay them, would I?
11:38I wouldn't give them Β£300 and then come back the next week
11:41with another Β£300 and ask them again to put the tumble dryer
11:44in the tumble dryer space
11:45and then keep doing that every week since COVID,
11:49constantly contemplating the gaping hole
11:51where there should now be a tumble dryer.
11:53It's interesting that you reach for a tumble dryer as the analogy
11:59because, in a sense, you've been tumble dried, haven't you?
12:05In what sense?
12:07I don't have to back these things up.
12:09I'm just trying to help.
12:11If you're trying to help, tell me what to do
12:14so that I feel basically OK most of the time.
12:17What should I do with all my shit?
12:19Well, I suppose if you press me,
12:24my advice would be, you know, put it out of your mind.
12:31Put it out of my mind?
12:32Yes. Put it out of your mind.
12:35When you're thinking about it,
12:37just stop and think about something else.
12:41That's it?
12:42I suppose when it comes down to it, yes, that's it.
12:45You just have to put it out of your mind.
12:47I can't.
12:51Really?
12:53You know, just think about something.
12:55Really?
12:57Really.
12:58Really?
12:59Wow.
13:01OK, then.
13:03Well, in that case,
13:05here's someone who can sell you some crack.
13:10Just a straightforward shooting weekend.
13:21Just a straightforward shooting weekend.
13:24It was the TV scoop of the decade
13:26in which one of the most powerful men in the world,
13:29in a sort of soft power sense anyway,
13:31was humbled,
13:32and the people of Britain
13:34got to have a huge guilt-free laugh
13:36at a posh twat
13:38destroying his life in front of millions.
13:41I have a peculiar medical condition,
13:45which is that I don't sweat.
13:49Or I didn't sweat at the time.
13:50It was such a massive deal
13:52that the story of how it was achieved
13:54had to be told in a drama
13:56almost immediately after it had happened.
13:59You could make him look like a dick.
14:01Brilliant idea, Sam.
14:02But that wasn't the end of it,
14:04because another channel
14:06made a slightly different drama
14:07about exactly the same thing.
14:10I'm going to make him look like a dick.
14:12Oh, yes.
14:13Sam, get us a round of teas and coffees, please.
14:16Oh, right away.
14:17Now, at last,
14:19a drama about how those two dramas
14:21about how the Prince Andrew interview
14:23came to be made
14:24has come to be made.
14:26Because what's the alternative?
14:28Make up a new story for a drama?
14:30I don't think so.
14:31That doesn't work.
14:33Everything has got to be based on a true story
14:35or a remake,
14:36otherwise it will lose money.
14:38Hi there.
14:39I'm the real Emily Mateless.
14:40Pleased to meet you.
14:41I'm Amerson.
14:42Well done on the Prince Andrew interview.
14:44That's certainly put the world to rights.
14:46And, of course,
14:47I'm mainly why that interview happened,
14:49so I thought we could make a drama about it.
14:51Great idea.
14:52Let's do it.
14:52We could use some of the money
14:54we made destroying the high street.
14:55By the way,
14:56why didn't you go to Netflix?
14:57Oh.
14:58Welcome to Netflix.
14:59I'm Sam McAllister,
15:01the person who mainly made
15:02the Prince Andrew interview happen,
15:04rather than anyone on screen
15:05who usually take credit for these things.
15:07Of course.
15:08So, I thought we could make a drama about it.
15:11Otherwise, there's a risk
15:12that everyone will stop banging on about it.
15:14Well, we can't have that.
15:15Let's do it.
15:16We can use some of the money
15:17we made from televising
15:18Princess Diana's bulimia.
15:19Some stories have to be told.
15:24Twice.
15:26With slightly different takes
15:28on how the admin was done.
15:30This research is riddled with errors.
15:32And that's not how you spell Ghislaine?
15:34It's Prince Anthony.
15:35Is that right?
15:36It's Andrew, Emily.
15:37Oh, you're a lifesaver.
15:39How's my hair?
15:40Yeah.
15:41Coming to ITV this autumn.
15:43The true story
15:43of how the two dramas
15:45which both told
15:46how the Prince Andrew interview
15:47on Newsnight got made
15:48were themselves made.
15:50It's just been announced
15:52the BBC are doing
15:53their own version of this
15:54with James Corden
15:56playing both Prince Andrews.
15:58Shit!
15:59Let me show you what I mean.
16:09OK.
16:10We've recently developed
16:11all sorts of new ways
16:12of analysing web traffic.
16:14Yeah.
16:15It's very, very clever
16:16and illuminating.
16:17Great.
16:18It's really no longer
16:19as simple a metric
16:21as number of views.
16:22Oh.
16:23And this is where
16:24you come into the kitchen.
16:26You have a problem
16:27with your washing machine?
16:28So, yes,
16:29we can actually see
16:30what bit viewers
16:31are focusing on most.
16:33I think I can guess
16:33which bit.
16:35You might be surprised.
16:38I'm going to need
16:39my big spanner.
16:41OK, so here...
16:42Sounds like I'm talking
16:43about my big cock.
16:44Yes, except we've just
16:46been looking at your big cock,
16:47so we know you don't mean that.
16:49Yep.
16:50You literally do mean
16:52that you need
16:52different size spanner.
16:55And actually,
16:56this is where we see
16:57a real uplift in views.
16:59Really?
17:00Yes, it builds from here
17:03and peaks at this point,
17:044 minutes, 12 seconds,
17:06when you take the front
17:07off the washing machine
17:08and start to replace the drum.
17:10You see this bit?
17:13Yes, we see this a lot
17:14with the Electrolux.
17:15Have you got the part?
17:17No.
17:18I'll have to order it in.
17:19Yes, that's the absolute
17:20viewing numbers peak.
17:22And then it drops off a cliff
17:24when you start having sex again.
17:26Although there is then
17:27another peak in the follow-up video
17:29when you arrive with
17:30the replacement part
17:31from Electrolux.
17:32Lots of views for you
17:33sticking it in.
17:35So they do want to see that...
17:36I can't believe how badly
17:38I expressed that.
17:39They want to see you
17:40repair the washing machine,
17:41not have a fuck with the lady.
17:43Not have a fuck with the lady?
17:45No, that's what the analysis
17:46is telling us.
17:48But I've always been the sexy...
17:50The sexy plumber.
17:52Yes, you're a big star, Barry.
17:54A stalwart of the industry.
17:56You always get the highest
17:57number of hits.
17:58Turning up in your boiler suit
18:00with your tools.
18:01Getting down to business.
18:02Well, this is it.
18:03It's always been sex and plumbing.
18:06And I suppose cynics that we are,
18:09we've all been sort of assuming
18:11that the sex was the draw.
18:13But...
18:13They're watching for the plumbing, Barry.
18:17That's what they want.
18:19Plumbing tips.
18:20You've been doing this for a long time
18:21and without realising it,
18:23you've become a damn good plumber.
18:25They don't want to see...
18:26Damn good plumber.
18:28I don't want to...
18:29A really damn, damn good plumber.
18:32Look...
18:33I'd take the compliment, Barry.
18:35The internet is full of porn,
18:37but a genuinely helpful step-by-step guide
18:40to replacing a U-bend
18:41is like a hen's tooth.
18:43I don't know what to say.
18:45You wear your knowledge so lightly.
18:47In all the other instructional videos online,
18:49the men doing the explaining take ages
18:52because they're so thrilled with themselves.
18:54You're different.
18:55You just spend that time getting blown
18:56and then do the plumbing bit super quickly.
18:59It's much less patronising.
19:04Are you going to stop paying me to have sex?
19:06We are, yes.
19:07And start paying me to do plumbing?
19:09Indeed.
19:10So, obviously, I've called you in here
19:13to discuss a pay rise.
19:17Okay, but what's funny about that punchline?
19:19Well, it's making the satirical point
19:21that plumbers are expensive.
19:23More expensive than porn stars?
19:25Obviously, I have no idea,
19:26but plumbers are expensive.
19:27God, yeah.
19:28I think people will relate to that.
19:30Bloody plumbers.
19:31Okay, I just don't know if that's, like...
19:33Is that what we want the show to say?
19:36I find it comforting.
19:38You know, bloody plumbers.
19:39Bloody weather.
19:40Nice old complaints.
19:41You know where you are.
19:44Okay, but I just feel like it's a sketch about porn.
19:47For me, it's about plumbing.
19:49I think it's nice to start with a sexual theme
19:52and then move immediately away from it.
19:55I think that's nice.
19:56For me, the classic plumber in porn scenario
19:59is a fantasy about escaping the plumber's astronomical bill.
20:03You know, can I fuck my way out of this?
20:06That's not what I...
20:07I just think the sex industry is something
20:08that we need to confront, you know?
20:10Like, not the sex workers.
20:11Obviously, what they're doing is amazing, or, yes.
20:16But the industry, that's what I'm saying.
20:18The industry is something we want to confront.
20:20Like, the client, they're the problem.
20:24And we want to make a sketch where we say,
20:26the people who hold the means of production, they're wrong.
20:29Plumbers are so expensive.
20:33But what...
20:34What if the boiler goes?
20:36Hmm?
20:37It could go at any moment.
20:41You have to be kidding.
20:42Leave him.
20:46And unless my demands are met,
20:49I will activate the ray
20:51and trigger the destruction of the entire world.
20:58Please, you can't do this.
21:00Oh, I most certainly can.
21:02We beg of you.
21:03We need more time.
21:05We want to live.
21:05We all want to live.
21:06Cease your pathetic snivelling.
21:09The second I pull this lever,
21:11the death ray will charge,
21:13and the entire world will be annihilated in 56 years.
21:22What?
21:22The world as you know it,
21:25the entirety of the...
21:27No, we heard that.
21:28What was the second bit?
21:30In 56 years.
21:34So it'll take...
21:36A death ray of this magnitude
21:38needs an amount of time to charge,
21:40and in this case, yes,
21:41it will take 56 years.
21:4356 years?
21:44The second I pull this...
21:4656 years?
21:47The world will end forever!
21:50No, no, absolutely.
21:51It's still bad.
21:53Still?
21:53Oh, yeah, it's terrifying for sure.
21:56The entire world's destroyed!
21:59It's just difficult to get up a sense of urgency
22:02with that as a time frame.
22:03That's what it is, yeah.
22:05I mean, I don't want to die.
22:06I don't want my kids to die.
22:07No, that thing about the kids is completely valid.
22:10But then...
22:11It's just...
22:11I don't...
22:12It's not quite...
22:13What are you talking about?
22:1456 years is sort of...
22:17I don't know.
22:17Like, personally,
22:19I'm better with a deadline.
22:20Same, same.
22:21I mean, aren't we all?
22:22For me, it's the not-knowing.
22:23Ugh, the not-knowing is so much worse.
22:25Yeah, just get it done, do you know what I mean?
22:26Yeah, it's like a bit of a relief.
22:28Thank you, yes.
22:29It is, isn't it?
22:30Yeah.
22:30You cannot want the world to end in 56 years.
22:34We don't.
22:35No, no, no, no, no.
22:35But also...
22:37I mean, what can we do, really?
22:39You can meet my demands!
22:40Oh, God.
22:41And we absolutely would.
22:43But we're already juggling so much already.
22:46Oh, you can say that again.
22:47You could walk around in the knowledge that the world is ending,
22:52and you're doing nothing to stop it!
22:55I mean, we don't want to,
22:57but it's hard to make it a priority.
23:00Well, do you know, this has been a real wake-up call for me.
23:03Yeah.
23:04Really?
23:05What?
23:05No, just transfer the funds into my account!
23:08We will let everyone know.
23:10Yeah.
23:10Why have I been in such a funk?
23:12It's only 56 years!
23:16This can be avoided!
23:18Shut the door, shall we?
23:26Do you know what?
23:27They don't deserve it.
23:29Let the oceans boil them to death, they're pricks.
23:32All right.
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