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00:00I had no idea what I was getting myself into I guess I was just attracted to the
00:13simplicity of it you know the the communal living everyone under one roof
00:19the shared mealtime the constant presence of the team members in their
00:24special clothes they had this hierarchy of star symbols and the compound that I
00:31would put in it had four stars and that meant you couldn't get hot food at night
00:36yeah I mean we could get food at night but only sandwiches they would come into
00:45your room when you were out and you could tell you know but they've been there how
00:52could you tell they tidy up they'd make your bed and tuck the sheets in really
00:57tight like abnormally tight like no human could get into that bed if they came in
01:03at night they leave a chocolate on your pillow why some kind of warning you know
01:11we can come and go as we please today the chocolate but tomorrow it could be a turd
01:16or a horse's head although in fairness it was always a chocolate they also communicate
01:26through towels you'd leave a towel on the floor or on the side of the bathroom they'd take it from
01:32you and replace it with a different but identical towel and leave it on the radiator near the sign
01:38saying that they were trying to save the planet via towels which planet I didn't say it was the keys
01:48that broke me they would give you a key you know for your numbered room but it was heavy it was like
01:55like some kind of animal and if you wanted to go out they would say leave your key leave your key with
02:02us and I didn't want to leave my key I didn't want to but it was so heavy it was so heavy you see so
02:14I so I would leave my key and then they started to ask for money money they suddenly wanted hundreds
02:23and hundreds of pounds I'm so sorry they've been keeping a record of everything I'd eaten and then
02:31they said it cost like five times what it would cost to buy in the shop in the end I just paid what
02:37they wanted every penny it was the only way I paid and then I just ran I left everything and was that
02:45the last contact you had with them they emailed me the next day asking if I wanted my stuff like
02:54they were taunting me it was horrible I told them to just burn it I'm a bit worried about that hotel
03:03sketch because oh it's a hotel well yes sorry I thought it was a cult I think how it works is they
03:11talk about it like it was a cult but it's actually a hotel hence comedy but what I'm worried about is
03:17that people in the hospitality sector have had a really rough time actually and I'm just worried
03:22that they're gonna see that sketch and go oh they're laughing at us it's just very negative it is very
03:28negative but my worry isn't that we're laughing at the hospitality sector it's worse we're laughing at
03:34people that get into cults you know nitwits and wallies and clots oh no don't say clots very
03:40offensive to stroke survivors of course and people who died of strokes yeah but they don't tend to
03:45write in yeah I mean like their ghost or their families I meant their families look we can't be
03:51punching down to at or on nitwits wallies or people who work in hotels we just can't do that yeah
03:56be very harsh and negative to be punching down to or of people who just happen to be wrong about
04:01everything okay so let's write a lovely positive sketch about something that we love Lara what are
04:08your passions what are you passionate about golf I'm crazy about golf crazy golf no just regular golf I
04:14just love it it golf is my happy place you know the green the holes the holes I see a picture of me
04:21in my happy place oh you do look very happy okay great let's just do a lovely sketch about golf where
04:28no one gets hurt not people who love golf not people who hate golf not people who've never heard
04:34of golf what kind of moron has never heard of golf previously on sweary Aussie drama this is my
04:44fucking farm this fucking farm's my fucking farm now this is my fucking farm now it's my fucking farm again
04:54sorry who's fucking farm is it I found a fucking wheel it's yours you knobba shit
05:21are you trying to blow this fucking farm sky fucking high too fucking right I love the tits of you
05:39you you stone-cold cut want to run a fucking farm
05:43take a fucking seat
05:51not so fucking fast
05:58what the fuck the fuck psych groin out fuck who the fuck are you
06:11so all we need is your dbs check and you can start with a new turn
06:28oh brilliant and how do we do the dbs check do you need anything from me oh it's a straightforward
06:35process but the format has changed recently we used to just rely on your criminal history but
06:40that only told us if you've been caught or not and let me tell you there are a lot of very clever
06:46pedos out there so uh if you wouldn't mind
06:50oh I go through that yes uh Clarence will be conducting the check today
06:59I'm here for the dbs check
07:17scared are you you surprised me what if I was a child what do you mean what if I was a child what
07:26would you do if I was a child I don't know incorrect the answer I was looking for was not assault you
07:32oh that's strike one of three
07:33oh god
07:34um
07:35you have a bag of sweets do you a eat them b put them away to be eaten at the time of your choosing
07:43or c lure a child into your van
07:46well not c obviously
07:47interesting
07:48I thought this was going to be a form or
07:50a child comes to you for help with a minor injury
07:52do you a contact their parents
07:54b dial 111
07:55c flirt
07:56is this a joke
07:58do you think this is funny
08:00no
08:00um I would contact their parents and then dial 111 obviously
08:04oh you think you're so clever don't you
08:07you think you're so above board sexually
08:10I am
08:10I've got kids of my own
08:12oh I can't be a nonce
08:14some of my best friends are children
08:16that's not what I said
08:18this is a lineup of various children
08:21who do you think's the fittest
08:23none of them
08:24bearing in mind these are photos of children from the 19th century
08:2670s who are adults now so this is fine
08:28still none of them
08:29it's multiple choice I'm afraid
08:30you can have a fit as in athletic
08:33I'd have to see them do a bleep test first
08:35b none
08:35or c third child on the right
08:37b none
08:38oh very convenient
08:39question four
08:40but if you had to pick
08:42if you had to
08:42would it be a one
08:44b two
08:44or c
08:45I can't choose
08:46c I can't choose
08:47I hadn't finished
08:48c I can't choose
08:49they're all quite hot
08:50not that one
08:51not which one
08:51who do you mean
08:52apart from that one obviously he's a minger
08:54no I mean not that one as in not option c
08:56and I don't think you can call a child a minger
08:58oh so you do have an opinion about which child is hotter
09:00no I don't
09:01you're gonna look me in the eye
09:03and tell me that that child
09:04is not less attractive than the other children
09:06that child is me by the way
09:08when I was a young lad
09:08and I don't mind saying it
09:10I was a munter
09:11no you weren't a munter
09:13you've got a lovely angelic face
09:15okay you fancy me as a child
09:17no
09:17you have an answer question four
09:19because I don't agree with any of them
09:20correct
09:20if you had to choose between being a pedo
09:24and doing 9-11
09:25which would you go for
09:26I'm
09:27I'm leaving
09:27all right
09:29Gary Glitter
09:30sorry
09:33but I absolutely
09:34so it seems you passed the DBS check
09:36with no obvious issues
09:37oh
09:40okay
09:42great
09:44so
09:45shall I just
09:46see you in September
09:47but I'm afraid we can't let you proceed
09:49because you failed the 9-11 check
09:51so you're probably a terrorist
09:52okay so lovely positive golf sketch
10:04exterior day
10:05golf course
10:06it's a beautiful day
10:08golfer one says
10:09what a lovely game of golf I'm having
10:12good that's a nice naturalistic bit of exposition
10:14and maybe
10:15golfer two says
10:16yes it's excellent
10:17isn't it
10:18I love golf
10:20and golfer three says
10:21and not just golf
10:23there are so many beautiful things in this world
10:26that we should be grateful for
10:27that's lovely
10:29why don't we write more sketches like this
10:31this is going really well isn't it
10:33I'm
10:34I'm not worried about it
10:35you know
10:36whenever there's a joke
10:38you worry
10:39yeah you do
10:40you worry
10:41you know
10:41will they laugh
10:42will it upset someone
10:43will it get translated into another language
10:45where it turns out it's a slur
10:46you worry
10:47yeah
10:48you're right
10:49it's jokes isn't it
10:50the problem has been jokes
10:52I suddenly understand why everyone loves Ted Lasso
10:55oh that does feel a bit negative Rob
10:57no no no I don't mean it negatively
10:59I think they're really onto something
11:01no jokes
11:01no problem
11:02just pleasant interactions between people of good faith
11:06there's literally nothing to object to
11:08this is great
11:10well let's try something a bit visual
11:12golfer one takes a shot
11:14golfer two says
11:16good shot
11:17fucking hell I love this
11:20I could watch this all day
11:22and then
11:22maybe
11:23aliens land
11:24and the golfers get scared for a second
11:26oh is that stressful
11:27no no let me finish
11:28and then the head alien says
11:30can we play
11:31oh
11:32yeah
11:34and then they just have a lovely time
11:36yeah
11:37and then maybe one of the aliens starts wanking
11:41Sebastian
11:48we are thrilled that you're going to be reading your novel here
11:51well thank you for having me
11:53of course
11:53we have a few minutes before the event
11:55and I did have a bit of a cheeky request actually
11:58ooh
11:59cheeky
11:59so you know we sponsor a young writers competition
12:02of course
12:03wonderful
12:03yeah
12:04and we actually have the short story finalists
12:06and they're just over there in that corner
12:08and I know it's a bit last minute
12:10but it would mean the world to them
12:12if you would just go
12:13and maybe say hi
12:14and maybe have like a quick selfie with them
12:17that would be no problem whatsoever
12:19I'd be delighted
12:20yeah there's absolutely no fucking way he's doing that
12:24oh
12:25okay yes I guess it was a bit of a cheeky
12:28shall I go over now
12:29I mean it's no trouble
12:30I'm here
12:30oh
12:31yes if you would that would be so
12:33look he's got a fucking book to promote
12:34he's not here to make fucking friends with some snot-nosed kids
12:37maybe they could come here
12:39um
12:40and I could sign a book for each of them
12:41I mean the books are here
12:42would that make sense
12:43that is so generous
12:45that would be
12:45I'll just go and I'll fetch them quickly
12:47I don't
12:47where the fuck are you going
12:48it's not happening
12:49how many times do I have to tell you
12:51it's event
12:51signing
12:52car
12:53I tell you what
12:53I don't have any lunch plans
12:55maybe um
12:56if they're free
12:57I could take them to that lovely
12:58trattoria
12:59around the corner
13:00and um
13:00maybe they could pick my
13:02so-called brains
13:03about the writing process
13:04I mean I doubt they've got much to learn from me
13:06they're clearly so talented
13:07but uh
13:07I'd be happy to lend them the benefit of my
13:10experience
13:11such as it is
13:12well
13:13that would be lovely
13:14he's fucking sick of this
13:16he wants to go
13:17the event's off
13:17you've blown it
13:19I'm really looking forward to the event
13:21car
13:22now
13:22he's going
13:23Sebastian thinks you're a dick
13:25it's been absolutely lovely
13:26this has been fucking unacceptable
13:29so his wife was dying
13:50he knew that
13:51everyone knew that
13:52so he goes over to Calais
13:54to one of those warehouses
13:55to get a cheap deal
13:56on booze for the funeral
13:57you know the wake
13:58this is pre-Brexit
13:59pre-Brexit
13:59so financially
14:00it makes sense
14:01yeah
14:02good idea
14:02but is it though
14:03financially speaking
14:05it's a no-brainer
14:06but my question is
14:07is it
14:07on
14:09on?
14:11like okay
14:12morally speaking
14:13cheap booze for a do
14:15great
14:15but when a do
14:16is a funeral
14:17of a loved one
14:18who's still alive
14:19does that
14:19taste a bit funny?
14:21I'd say
14:21anything less than
14:22five euros for a box
14:23is always going to taste funny
14:25no matter where you get it
14:26I mean
14:26is it
14:27alright
14:28my question is
14:29did he tell her
14:30yeah
14:31good question
14:32did he say to her
14:33tell you what love
14:34I'm very sorry you're dying
14:36but we will have to offer
14:37some hospitality
14:38when that happens
14:39so I'm getting ahead on that
14:40and the great news is
14:41that I've got an absolute bargain
14:43on a perfectly
14:44quaffable
14:44Cote de Rome
14:45yes he did
14:47well in that case
14:48that's outrageous
14:49see
14:50this is a thing
14:51it divides opinion
14:52that's why it's a good one
14:54brought this up
14:55at Christmas lunch
14:55and people went really quiet
14:56just thinking about it
14:57is that what you want
14:59Christmas day?
15:00oh yeah
15:01no point dragging it out
15:02if there's a pause
15:02in the conversation
15:03so you can get dishes
15:04in the kitchen
15:04or you can make a little noise
15:06in the back of your throat
15:06so that Susan gets the dishes
15:07in the kitchen
15:08oh too right
15:09yeah you gotta push through it
15:10you gotta screw up
15:11your paper hat
15:11and start binning
15:12all this shit from the crackers
15:13big light on
15:14tell the kids to clear
15:16all this mess up
15:16yeah that's right
15:17cloth off
15:17table back to normal size
15:18then you can make a start
15:19on the tree
15:20yeah absolutely
15:20if possible
15:21I like to get the tree down
15:23by the end of Moana
15:24they complain of course
15:25but I just say to them
15:26look it's a musical
15:26you can easily hear
15:27the songs over the hoover
15:28yeah that's right
15:29in-laws in a cab
15:30slam
15:31see you at Easter
15:32house back to normal
15:33and then it's done
15:34it's over
15:35you've done it
15:36normal
15:36you don't have to do it anymore
15:38because you've done it
15:39it's finished
15:40apart from the all day
15:42Baileys
15:42don't really like Baileys
15:46I don't really mean
15:47Baileys
15:48I mean lager
15:48but around Christmas
15:49we call it Baileys
15:51Stephen
15:58it's finally happening
15:59she's asked for a word
16:00right
16:01yes
16:02can she say anything else
16:04she had something
16:05important to tell us
16:06okay
16:07I'm ready
16:08I'm getting ready
16:11just remember
16:13we've got one chance
16:14to do this right
16:15oh hello love
16:19do you want to sit down
16:20your mum says
16:26you've got something
16:26on your mind
16:27it's okay sweetie
16:28take your time
16:29I'm letting her
16:30take her time
16:31all the time
16:33you need
16:33for a while now
16:35I've wanted to tell you guys
16:36something but
16:36something stopped me
16:38anyway I just can't
16:39carry on not saying
16:40I want you to know
16:41all of me
16:42well we want to know
16:43you too love
16:44and we're
16:45we're ready to accept
16:46whatever
16:48whatever it is
16:50you want to tell us
16:51about your
16:52sexuality
16:53right
16:53it's alright love
16:55you can say it
16:56okay
16:57mum
16:58dad
17:00I'm
17:01I'm a right
17:03slag
17:03I just want to say
17:08thank you
17:09so much
17:10for trusting us
17:11enough
17:12to share that
17:12with us
17:13oh god
17:14that feels good
17:15to say aloud
17:16I feel so much
17:17lighter
17:17honestly
17:18I think I've always
17:20known
17:20since you were a
17:21little girl
17:22that I was a right
17:23slag
17:23that you were a
17:24right slag
17:25and you're not upset
17:26no of course not
17:27and your father's
17:28not upset either
17:29are you love
17:30no of course not
17:32I accept
17:33and love you
17:34whatever
17:36whether or not
17:37you're a
17:38a right slut
17:39Stephen
17:40dad I knew
17:41you'd be like this
17:42what have I said
17:43he's not a slut
17:44I'm a slag
17:46okay
17:46a right slag
17:48I'm sorry
17:48I just want to make
17:50sure I've understood
17:51help me to understand
17:52what exactly does
17:54being a right slag
17:57mean
17:58to you
18:00just that I really
18:01like it up me
18:02right up
18:03I don't know
18:04how else to say it
18:05I'm a slag bag
18:06a hoe bag
18:07I'm over easy
18:08I'm happy with
18:09all that terminology
18:10some people would
18:11call me the village bike
18:12and you'd be okay
18:14with that
18:14it's just who I am
18:15it's who she is
18:16Stephen
18:17but you're not a slut
18:18um no dad
18:20a slut gets stuff
18:21in return for sex
18:22money
18:23a flat maybe
18:25I give it away
18:26for free
18:27I put it about
18:28a lot
18:29with anyone
18:30anyone at all
18:31I'm a slag
18:33I gobble for Britain
18:34and I'd like to know
18:36that you
18:36my parents
18:38support me
18:38as I do that
18:39is that so weird
18:40I suppose not
18:42no love
18:43in fact I tell you what
18:45on your graduation day
18:46next summer
18:47me and your mum
18:48will be there
18:49in the audience
18:50watching you
18:50accept your
18:51certificate
18:52your special scroll
18:53and
18:55we'll be as
18:56proud as punch
18:57and if a stranger
18:58sitting next to me
18:59says
19:00is that your daughter
19:02she looks like
19:03a right slag
19:04is she
19:06I won't get angry
19:08I won't hit him
19:10I'll say
19:11you're absolutely right
19:12she really is
19:14a filthy whore
19:15Stephen
19:16what
19:16I don't know
19:22shopping took longer
19:24than expected
19:25so I'm just gonna
19:25try and beat the traffic
19:27I'm sorry
19:29can I help you
19:46we are the goom
19:48who said that
19:51you must help us
19:52Pat Mills
19:53how do you know my
19:56is this telepathy
19:58our people are dying
20:00please help us
20:01how can I help you
20:04we are the goom
20:05we have pulled
20:06all our resources
20:07into the making
20:08of a teen comedy
20:09called high school
20:10faux pas
20:11right
20:13we've mocked up
20:14a trailer here
20:14on the laptop
20:15we would love it
20:18if you could give us
20:18some feedback
20:19okay
20:23I'm just in a bit
20:24of a hurry
20:25so
20:25our people are dying
20:27I'll take a look
20:29it's better if you
20:31use the headphones
20:32this is fine
20:34I'm not wearing
20:38any underwear
20:38and I have to get
20:39to my first day
20:40of high school
20:41where's that boss
20:43I'll never get there
20:45hey kid
20:49I'm JJ
20:50I'm JJ
20:50and I'm going
20:52to high school
20:53need a lift
20:55hey
20:56what
20:57you'll have to share
20:59though
20:59I'm taking my friend
21:01Benny along
21:01to lose his virginity
21:03Benny's a werewolf
21:07high school
21:11high school faux pas
21:11the new comedy
21:12for anyone
21:13who's ever been
21:14to high school
21:15certificate to be confirmed
21:16we do not know
21:20what high school is
21:21I see
21:23I'm probably not
21:26the target audience
21:28for this
21:28did you like it
21:29did you like our male lead
21:32Matt Rainford
21:33I would have liked
21:36to see more
21:37of him
21:37maybe
21:38a lot of people
21:39said they liked him
21:40what did you like least
21:42um
21:43I'm
21:44I wasn't too sure
21:45about the sound levels
21:46you didn't use
21:47the headphones
21:48yeah even so
21:50is that
21:51the finished
21:52we have another idea
21:54for a musical
21:54about a policeman
21:56oh
21:57called policeman faux pas
21:58Matt Rainford's on board
22:00okay
22:02well the title
22:03maybe
22:04what
22:12our deadly foe
22:14no
22:15we shall email you
22:18a link to our site
22:19no
22:20no
22:21I'll google it
22:22you should go now
22:24Pat Mills
22:25we are sorry
22:28if you have not
22:30beaten
22:30the traffic
22:31Benny's a werewolf
22:34I'm JJ
22:35need a lift
22:36need a lift
22:37need a lift
22:38Benny's a werewolf
22:40I love you
23:06I love you
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23:51
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