00:00What do you think pushed you to like finally come to that conclusion and realize that that's where you needed to go? Because I've gone through a similar, I mean, not with my family, but so I'm sober. Like I struggle with alcoholism for years. And I finally got to a place where I had to completely change my line of thinking. I had to do a lot of work. I had to do a lot of 12-step work.
00:20I love 12 steps.
00:21Yeah. Oh my God. 12-step program is so great. That completely changed my perspective on my life. Was there any like one incident that you were like, okay, I need to do a massive shift? Or was it just like a slow progression of like, you know, all of these things where you're like, my life needs to change. I need to shift things.
00:41So, yeah. I mean, I would say I got viciously attacked and because of like an extreme assault that I endured.
00:49Like a physical assault?
00:49Yeah. Like someone like seriously sexually assaulted me.
00:53Sorry.
00:54Yeah. While I was drugged and stuff. So when that happened, there was something weird that happened.
01:00So like this extreme sexual assault that occurred like a couple years ago and why I stopped drinking actually, it's because I saw like my body, my body's trauma response.
01:15Like my body changed so viscerally. Like I got chronic body pain. I couldn't sleep.
01:21I learned so much about like my ADA compliant, like neurological situation. And so like my doctors had to switch because they had to figure out, whoa, this is like not just like an ADA compliant, like inattention, ADHD disorder.
01:41This is like someone who just went through trauma. She has to go rebuild herself.
01:46So I didn't realize when my body went through a lot of trauma that I was going to basically like pray to God to just get up out of bed every day.
01:57And I wanted to heal so bad because, again, I'm a single parent. My child's being affected by this.
02:04I also had to take time out of school, take time off of work, tried going back to work for a teen mom.
02:09They literally had to remove me and my body like just it couldn't handle it.
02:13I had like high tension. It was wild.
02:16So from that, my boss is seeing me completely like being unable to do something that I normally did for decades.
02:26They sent me to a trauma center.
02:28And when I went to this trauma center, that is and it's 12 steps.
02:32It's a 12 step trauma center.
02:33You're seeing people there for like alcoholism, right?
02:37It's not a bad thing when I say these things.
02:38So I hope nobody takes offense to anything.
02:40It's just like I love seeing what it is for what it is, like whether it's narcotics, whether you're addicted to sex, whether you're addicted to like freaking online algorithms or bad dating stuff.
02:53I have some people who I go on dates with right now.
02:57They say, well, I don't really have anything in place.
03:00I don't really know what I'm getting off.
03:01I just find myself in a hole, but I don't know how to catch myself from going down into a hole.
03:06And so I bring up 12 step principles quite often.
03:09So I said in the 12 step principles program from this one event that like just started trickling down, like very bad, couldn't work.
03:18My bosses sent me here.
03:20I feel like those 12 step principles, no matter if you want to say, hey, my name is Farrah and I have an alcohol problem.
03:27But however you want to identify yourself, I just basically said in those groups, like, hey, I'm Farrah and I no longer want trauma relationships.
03:36I want to have trauma-free relationships.
03:39Because I actually hated alcohol when I was at that center.
03:43Like, so they're just like, okay, like, Farrah can say whatever she wants.
03:49And some people would get viciously bothered by me saying, like, I just want trauma-free relationships.
03:57But I wasn't disowning anyone else's trauma.
04:02So, like, I just was straight up, like, this is the event that occurred.
04:07I think I'm only here for this reason.
04:08But what ended up, like, kind of grand scaling things is, like, I had unfinished trauma from losing my daughter's father severely.
04:18This sexual assault was kind of, like, the trickling thing of, like, what led to all that's even coming in my life.
04:29And it's a lot of unhealed stuff that your body holds onto, to be honest with you.
04:34So, I learned, like, resentments.
04:37I learned, like, really bad beliefs that I told myself.
04:40Whether it was in parenting from my parents, from hearing, like, a rapist, you know, say things.
04:47But I think what kind of, like, boils down is, like, some narcissism.
04:54And in dating today, even, like, I had a girlfriend after my recent breakup.
04:59She sent me this, like, four workbook, audio book of, like, narcissism.
05:04And I caught myself, like, in my widow journey having narcissism.
05:08I caught myself in, like, you know, healing from a severe attack, like, kind of having, like, some narcissism.
05:14But, like, realizing that our bodies just, like, are trying to heal.
05:20Our personalities are trying to heal.
05:21Our identities are trying to get better.
05:24And so, I think, like, these overall vicious traumatic experiences that I've had,
05:30I've learned, like, I really do need to go deeper in my 12 steps.
05:36So, I do do, like, 12 steps for finances, 12 steps for relationships.
05:41And I think, like, I always kind of just check myself of, like, do I have positive narcissism?
05:47Do I have bad narcissism?
05:50And I think when I start seeing, like, people off their own 12-step principles, even if they know it or not,
05:56I remove myself from those situations because that is truly what got me sexually assaulted and attacked
06:03was being too kind to an extreme narcissist, which is a rapist,
06:09but also being too kind in other ways that are, like, people-pleasing, which doesn't serve me.
06:15Same way with finances.
06:17So, yeah, overall, I just stay away from things that boil up resentment, that boil up a manageability.
06:24Like, for instance, grad program right now, I got so anxious and so stressed out about a test,
06:30like, yesterday, that I just had to, like, write down, hey, this has become unmanageable.
06:36I really need to let this go.
06:37Like, I just start writing and journaling.
06:39So, yeah, I don't know what to say, but 12-step principles, to me, I use it in everything.
06:45And I taught my daughter about it so she can have these tools to, like, recover, balance, go through a test.
06:53Girl, you could not have brought up 12 steps to a better person because that shit, like, rules my life.
06:58Oh, yeah, I love it.
06:59Sorry.
06:59Love it.
07:00And I feel like everybody in the world can benefit from a 12-step program.
07:05And I will say, like, I believe that alcohol, you know, alcohol is a symptom of something just deeper, right?
07:11Well, we can reach for anything.
07:13Yeah, exactly.
07:13It's not alcohol.
07:14We can reach for everything.
07:15It's not alcohol is not a problem.
07:16It's something else, and that's just the symptom of, you know, my attempt to, like, escape from my life
07:21and, like, not be who I am, right?
07:23Not be comfortable in my own skin.
07:25Not take, like, accountability for my actions.
07:27Like, all of these things.
07:28And what I love about it is the way that it makes you take this really fucking hard look at yourself
07:33that is so uncomfortable and makes you take responsibility for your actions, which is so uncomfortable.
07:40But I love it.
07:42I need it.
07:42But the freedom that you get from it is, like, unmatched.
07:47Yeah.
07:48I just come back, you know, stronger than ever.
07:50Like, stronger to do a test, stronger to show up as a parent.
07:54Like, kind of just not, like, escapism.
07:56Like, I really have to force myself to not go escape, even into dating, to not go escape anywhere.
08:03Like, I really try to be super present with myself and, like, my higher power, which is God.
08:08But, like, yeah.
08:10And I think a lot of the things that we might talk about today in the past is, like, truly seeing me off of my 12 steps.
08:19Escapism is, you know, that I guess maybe that's a lot of us in our 20s.
08:23I don't know.
08:24But I really want to prevent that for my daughter.
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