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00:00:00You
00:00:30This is a story about a deer.
00:00:59Not this guy, a real dad, mine.
00:01:06This man is one of my dad's incomplete creations.
00:01:10A character he made up who tries to live an ideal life.
00:01:15Can getting to know him help me understand the parts of my dad I didn't,
00:01:19and somehow make me feel more complete myself?
00:01:23I'm going to get some water. Here, listen to this.
00:01:29You have one unheard message. First unheard message.
00:01:35Hey, Will, it's Dad. I doubt you'll get this in time,
00:01:38but I've got a computer guy from school helping me here,
00:01:41and we need the password to get into Windows.
00:01:44We need the password to get into Outlook.
00:01:48It's not crabcake69.
00:01:49So, if you get this within the next four minutes,
00:01:54give me a call back, or else to Gerald,
00:01:57I need to talk to you about something, so give me a call back.
00:01:59But I think we're packing them up.
00:02:01All right, bye.
00:02:02What he wanted to talk to me about, besides computers,
00:02:07End of message.
00:02:08was cancer.
00:02:09Bye.
00:02:10Bye.
00:02:13But first things first, this is my family.
00:02:17I'm Will Kristen, and I'm a filmmaker.
00:02:19Will, try that again.
00:02:20I'm Will Kristen, and I occasionally make films.
00:02:24That's my twin brother, or roommate, Jesse.
00:02:26Hey, Jesse.
00:02:27I'm a minute older.
00:02:29Jeez, Jesse.
00:02:30Look where Jesse is.
00:02:32Jesse, come down.
00:02:33And it usually shows.
00:02:35I also have a younger sister, Sarah.
00:02:38I have to show this tape to Mom.
00:02:40Let's see if there's a hard-working American housewife.
00:02:43Well...
00:02:43Come on, go away.
00:02:45Okay, go away.
00:02:47Our mom was raised Catholic in rural Missouri
00:02:49before running away to be a flight attendant.
00:02:52Oh, there's Mommy.
00:02:54Hello.
00:02:54On a layover in Denver, she met my dad,
00:03:00a Jewish actor and poet from Brooklyn.
00:03:05By the way, if you think growing up Catholic and Jewish sounds cool,
00:03:09try eating at a Passover Seder on Good Friday
00:03:13and see what happens.
00:03:17Other than that, my childhood in our small Boston suburb
00:03:20was pretty typical,
00:03:22except that when I was little,
00:03:25my dad stopped living with us.
00:03:28It's not that he wasn't around.
00:03:31We just didn't know what he did when he wasn't...
00:03:33being our dad.
00:03:36Well, look at Mama.
00:03:37One, two...
00:03:41Dad, just keep your face like that.
00:03:43Just like that.
00:03:44It's beautiful.
00:03:44That's beautiful.
00:03:45One, two...
00:03:47I wish I could say life continued like a wholesome snapshot.
00:04:09But the years went on,
00:04:11and I saw less of my father.
00:04:13What happened to Dave?
00:04:15You just got used to it, huh?
00:04:16Where'd he go?
00:04:18Something always got in the way of me spending more time with him.
00:04:21Plus, my mom's house was more comfortable.
00:04:23Then, at age 62, he died.
00:04:28And I was lost.
00:04:30Suddenly, without him,
00:04:31I felt like I didn't have a compass
00:04:33to help me navigate the big life stuff.
00:04:36Relationships, health, spirituality, money, work,
00:04:40and maybe one day being a parent myself.
00:04:42It's not like my dad was a compass I followed before he died.
00:04:48He always struggled financially,
00:04:51so I worked long hours to make sure I didn't end up like him.
00:04:55It's going to be pretty interesting
00:04:57if you leave all of the time that you're typing the email in there.
00:05:01He dabbled in the arts, and I studied business.
00:05:04Do I run a lot of emails?
00:05:05Okay.
00:05:06I became a consultant, and he...
00:05:09Want me to do that thing?
00:05:10Yeah.
00:05:12Needed consulting.
00:05:14All right, you tried gulping a glass of water.
00:05:17Let's go.
00:05:18When he died, I was in my mid-20s with shingles from overworking.
00:05:23I remember my bright screens as much as our last days together.
00:05:27I realized I'd never get to ask him myself
00:05:30why didn't he stay with us,
00:05:32why couldn't he stick with any normal job,
00:05:35and what was he doing instead?
00:05:37During his life, he disentangled himself from our family.
00:05:41After his death, I was determined to hold on to the threads.
00:05:46Without knowing who he was, I didn't know who I was.
00:05:49I caught glimpses of my dad's utopian ideals from time to time.
00:05:56But I never understood what he stood for.
00:05:59I did remember him telling me about a screenplay he wrote for a movie called Groovopolis.
00:06:04Of course, I never read it.
00:06:10I had emails to respond to.
00:06:13But now, I wanted to know about my dad's unfinished dream.
00:06:17Do you want me to keep holding this?
00:06:18And about him when he was dreaming it.
00:06:21Uh, you can start.
00:06:28What do you got?
00:06:29I started through, and in here, it looks like rough pages of it.
00:06:35Groovopolis.
00:06:36Really?
00:06:36Oh my gosh, there's so many copies of this.
00:06:44My dad and I only talked about the project once.
00:06:47There's a character named Sarah.
00:06:49During a rare chat on one of my many late-night commute home from work.
00:06:53Surprise, surprise.
00:06:54I remembered three things from that conversation.
00:07:03One, he wrote the screenplay in the early 90s.
00:07:07Two, he worked on it with someone in L.A.
00:07:10Three, the movie never got made.
00:07:13Strikes you out at the old school.
00:07:20Sure, Mr. Tabor.
00:07:21That is what we have agreed to.
00:07:23Good.
00:07:23Handshake will seal the bargain.
00:07:25Hopefully, you two boys will strike it rich.
00:07:28Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
00:07:30Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
00:07:32Hello, Ward.
00:07:33I'm home.
00:07:34Hello, Beaver.
00:07:36Dad acted here and there in the early 90s.
00:07:39He was always playing parts.
00:07:41This darn old carriage.
00:07:43It's the darn old gate.
00:07:47Darn.
00:07:47But this was his script.
00:07:50Something from his own mind and experiences.
00:07:52Hello again, everyone.
00:07:53How it goes.
00:07:54Self-speaking of sports.
00:07:55Today in the news, Jesse Billion.
00:07:57What could it tell me about who he really was?
00:07:59Could his fictional world teach me about his reality?
00:08:03Jesse, what have you got to say?
00:08:04To find out, I needed to talk to the people who knew him best back then, around the time
00:08:09I was born.
00:08:10So I called Jeff, who wrote Groovopolis with my dad.
00:08:15Hello?
00:08:16Hi, is this Jeff?
00:08:18Yeah.
00:08:19Jeff, it's Will Christen.
00:08:21Hey, Will.
00:08:22How are you?
00:08:23I'm doing well.
00:08:24How are you doing?
00:08:26I'm doing good.
00:08:27I have the correspondence that you and my dad, I guess, sent back and forth in the 90s.
00:08:34Wow.
00:08:35Okay.
00:08:36I'm like, right next...
00:08:38Really, that's still around.
00:08:39What were they...
00:08:41What kind of...
00:08:42What form are they in?
00:08:44They're in a lot of different forms.
00:08:46A lot of different formats.
00:08:47And, yeah.
00:08:50I mean, my dad was kind of a hoarder, so I feel like I'm lucky that we found this.
00:08:57Like, do you know if you have the most recent version of it or anything?
00:09:01Yeah, I actually found one.
00:09:04I was cleaning out a bunch of storage bins outside of our house.
00:09:09I had some old scripts in there.
00:09:11You know, the hard copy.
00:09:13That brings me to another question, which could make this easier.
00:09:16Um, I'm wondering if maybe we can meet up sometime.
00:09:20Do you want to do something with this or what?
00:09:23Yeah.
00:09:24Do you just want to have...
00:09:26Where is it?
00:09:37Your destination is on the right.
00:09:40I don't recognize this at all.
00:09:41On my way to meet Jeff, I stop by my old childhood home.
00:09:48Escape.
00:09:50Escape into the big world.
00:09:51Soon enough, my friends.
00:09:53Soon enough.
00:09:54That looks totally right.
00:09:56Yep, yep.
00:09:57Yep, you're born there, dear.
00:09:59All right.
00:10:00And then I found Jeff.
00:10:03I had brought with me a copy of the Groovopolis script, along with an old letter from my dad.
00:10:09In the final thought, I always liked the vocation of artist, because I felt the problems I was having with my art showed me where the same problems were in my real life.
00:10:20If my writing is too wordy, if it likes discipline, if my acting is too busy, if it's a way to just be, then lo and behold, those are the same defenses I use in my life.
00:10:29A lot of the details are fuzzy for me now.
00:10:40I mean, like, reading that thing, reading his letter, was interesting.
00:10:44It just kind of brought a lot of the stuff back.
00:10:47Both of us loved music in a very kind of strong way, passionate way.
00:10:52We spent a lot of time listening to music.
00:10:57We would always have music on.
00:10:59And it just, you know, it just seemed natural to be a natural theme for the script.
00:11:05Something to do with music.
00:11:06I think the idea with Groovopolis was to make it kind of a more, a hipper, groovier, of course, version of Footloose.
00:11:16That was kind of a thought.
00:11:24I never, I never even seen Footloose.
00:11:26Let's dance!
00:11:28Footloose was an 80s musical drama about a teenager who attempts to overturn a small town band on dancing.
00:11:35I hadn't seen it either.
00:11:37Groovopolis wasn't as straightforward, but it was basically about a square businessman called by a greater force to loosen up.
00:11:43I thought the mysteries of my dad could be hidden in this script.
00:11:48And if so, making his movie might reveal them.
00:11:52So I asked Jeff if I could try to finish what he and my dad had started.
00:11:59Do you have your script copy anywhere?
00:12:01I do.
00:12:03Ready?
00:12:05And, uh, here we go.
00:12:08Elizabeth Tooley steps through a doorway from an outside deck, holding a jumbo margarita.
00:12:13It's pretty out there.
00:12:16It's getting a little dark, though.
00:12:18Oh, but you know what?
00:12:19I think I saw Bermuda.
00:12:21Just a little tiny bit of the tip.
00:12:22Way, way off.
00:12:24Phillip's in his mid-30s.
00:12:26This is a dedicated, hard-working man with the personality of a paper clip.
00:12:32Oh, Phillip, look.
00:12:34Rose and George are dancing.
00:12:35Aren't they cute?
00:12:38Yes.
00:12:39Impressive technique.
00:12:40That's just the opening where you can get a sense of their personalities.
00:12:48Are you ready, folks?
00:12:50Put your hands together for the president and founding father of Soothing Zinc, Mr. Calvin Ruff.
00:12:57Look at you.
00:13:06What a fine brood.
00:13:08You know, when I started this company back in 1957...
00:13:12Could I see the world as my dad saw it and understand his struggles with it?
00:13:17...become the most successful producer of mood music in the Midwest.
00:13:22The rich, rambling boss.
00:13:24The desire to avoid becoming bland.
00:13:27This year, I'd especially like to commend our programming department.
00:13:32Phillip, Randy, where are they?
00:13:35The wish for companionship.
00:13:37Yes, sir.
00:13:37Those boys did an amazing job with those bossa nova hip-rap sounds.
00:13:43And the paradox of work that feeds you, but doesn't feed your soul.
00:13:46...gave us our healthy earnings from Royal Northern.
00:13:51Was my dad trying to warn me that I could become a paperclip?
00:13:54Having said all that...
00:13:57...I am no longer the president of Soothing's Incorporated.
00:14:06Anyway, Ainsworth Droppo's a smart young fella from the big city.
00:14:11You'll like him.
00:14:12Thank you, Mr. Rupp.
00:14:19My, my, my. You certainly are a fine brood.
00:14:42I've had a fine brood.
00:14:51Oh, my.
00:14:55Oh, my.
00:14:57Phillip?
00:14:58Yes, dear?
00:15:00I think I'm feeling that way.
00:15:05Well, we did schedule lovemaking for early morning.
00:15:11I forgot. I'm sorry.
00:15:14Oh, come on now. Sorry's are silly.
00:15:16And make the day hilly.
00:15:24What's wrong?
00:15:25My briefcase. I think I left it in the ballroom.
00:15:30Back in a maximum of six minutes.
00:15:32Okay.
00:15:41It's a disaster averted.
00:16:07Headed east.
00:16:1124.6 knots.
00:16:37Hey, Dave. Wave.
00:16:39As I filmed the scenes, I began to wonder if my dad's nature came from rebelling against his own upbringing, or perhaps his generations.
00:16:57Or perhaps his generations.
00:16:59All right.
00:17:34Fella!
00:17:44Bach is not funny music.
00:17:49It's meant to be listened to and appreciated for its glorious and intricate precision.
00:17:58Sit down and listen, please.
00:18:43Bye-bye.
00:18:45Bye-bye.
00:18:46Bye-bye.
00:18:47Unlike Philip's dad, ours openly encouraged us to engage with the music we heard.
00:18:52My earliest childhood memory is also my favorite one, my dad taking my brother and I to a jazz
00:18:57concert at the Santa Monica Pier.
00:18:59Give us a Bobby love.
00:19:02It's obvious that our love of music came from him.
00:19:06Without it, my brother probably wouldn't go from air drumming to becoming a touring professional
00:19:17drummer.
00:19:20One time, our dad asked us if he should sell his massive collection of vinyl records.
00:19:25No way, we told him.
00:19:27This became our only inheritance, and while we got it far sooner than anticipated, it
00:19:32was probably the only thing we were glad he hoarded.
00:19:37We didn't get a chance to appreciate his records when we were young, but there was something
00:19:41that deeply influenced us.
00:19:44a single mixtape played on the heaviest of rotations in my dad's red sunbird convertible.
00:20:02It was the soundtrack to our memories, memories that were fragmented, scattered, and haphazardly
00:20:09stitched together like the songs on the mix.
00:20:13It was just an old tape and a pile of stuff, but it contained inexplicable power.
00:20:17I think it's the one.
00:20:20Here's what I've been sorting through all day.
00:20:24Power to conjure up our dad at his happiest and his most free.
00:20:28I'm excited because I just came over here to set up music not too long ago, and I found
00:20:39this.
00:20:41It just says LA.
00:20:46Hold on, Jess, I just want to show you something.
00:20:56I found it.
00:20:57That's so awesome.
00:20:58I'm going to find it.
00:20:59I found it.
00:21:00That's so awesome.
00:21:03I'm going to find it.
00:21:05I love Rock the Roll.
00:21:08I love Rock the Roll.
00:21:09I love Rock the Roll.
00:21:10It's a little night time.
00:21:11Is it too much, baby?
00:21:13I love Rock the Roll.
00:21:15So I'll take your time and dance with me.
00:21:17I love Rock the Roll.
00:21:42Time down, heavy downpour, I still don't know where I am.
00:21:54Odd, the rhythmic sounds coming from the palm. Further investigation required.
00:22:06Hello, um, Philip Tooley, Soothing Zinc.
00:22:09It's incredible that you all are here. Were you shipwrecked too?
00:22:16Um, hello, hello, excuse me sir. Can anybody hear me?
00:22:39Item跟大家 dites.
00:22:40Thank you again.
00:22:42There you go, pipe eerily judge.
00:22:44It's the biggest gust of 디pe35, which isげels.
00:22:45Get this lucky boat through the wild coast.
00:22:47It's강 why it's dangerous.
00:22:48Either you have anything else.
00:22:49It's farm what we serve em Image trade with.
00:22:50The rescue playing with the first point of day.
00:22:51zwar
00:23:09In the town where we grew up, everyone and their mother was Catholic.
00:23:19My dad was an outlier.
00:23:21More spiritual than religious, he constantly reminded us that if there's a heaven, there can't only be one way into it.
00:23:29I looked for parallels in the script.
00:23:32Groovopolis Philip was pulled by some higher musical force.
00:23:36My dad was compelled to explore his Jewish roots more as he aged.
00:23:41He had run from and then back to Judaism.
00:23:49I wanted to know more about that from Ami, who I knew as my dad's Jewish friend.
00:23:56He lives in Israel now.
00:23:59I remember the first time I actually met him as I was cleaning out trash in the garage on the Crystal Cope side of my house.
00:24:05And I was taking the trash out, and he had his red car.
00:24:08And I think you guys were actually in the car when he drove by.
00:24:12He stopped because he liked trash.
00:24:14And I understand.
00:24:16No, I understand.
00:24:16People throw out interesting things, you know.
00:24:19And that was the first time I think that we actually met and connected.
00:24:23Up until, I think, where I met him, his Jewishness was like a bagel and laughs kind of thing.
00:24:32Bagel.
00:24:33Bagel.
00:24:33Bagel.
00:24:34Bagel.
00:24:35Bagel.
00:24:36What goes with the bagel?
00:24:37He also wants to eat some.
00:24:38What goes with the bagel?
00:24:40Fish.
00:24:41Fish.
00:24:41Fish.
00:24:41And also, that stemmed from his mom being, like, of the Holocaust generation, and that, like, if you're a Jew, you've got to hide.
00:24:51Like, we used to, he used to come over Friday night a lot for Shabbos dinner.
00:24:55After we ate, sometimes we went for a walk on the beach.
00:24:58We would ask questions.
00:24:59We'd talk.
00:25:02We'll get back to Ami in a moment.
00:25:04First, here's my dad reading an autobiographical poem during a performance in my hometown.
00:25:11I was in high school at the time, too embarrassed to be there myself.
00:25:15Ladies and gentlemen, Dave and Chris there.
00:25:20I wanted to keep my kids safe from the Nazis and the booted Cossacks and the sidewalk bullies covered in tattoos and griefs.
00:25:30So I took Danny Sheldon Crivelin, fat with schlouts and grimlets, and funny and loud and crankin' like the subways of New York,
00:25:40and I mangled him into David Daniel Crispin.
00:25:46He never sweats or screams or passes the potatoes with his fingers,
00:25:51and I married deep into the flat Midwest.
00:25:55The boys were bored.
00:25:57The boys were blind.
00:25:58None of the kids like smoked whitefish.
00:26:02And none of the kids can make the kk sound, so khali comes out khali.
00:26:07That's pretty funny, huh?
00:26:10And the mother sends them to church on Sunday and brags that the father blesses their throats,
00:26:15and I stay home throwing up in the bathroom.
00:26:19Praying to a white-haired patriarch who talks in flames,
00:26:23he makes Job suffer, and pouts while he bellows.
00:26:28Thou shalt have no other god before me.
00:26:32And Christ dangles, smirking on the cross.
00:26:35He knows that the next Nazis will measure the noses of my children,
00:26:39and know they had a kike father.
00:26:41And all my choosing out of terror,
00:26:45battling the corner clammy-skinned terror that achieved nothing.
00:26:51And I'm left with a stain of my own powers that will never, never come clean.
00:26:56Hey, Kristen, St. James.
00:27:06Yesterday, Pops the Turtle was found located on a highway near Rolla, Missouri.
00:27:11Today, Willie, Jesse, David, and Virginia will return Pops the Turtle to safety,
00:27:18a momentous occasion in nature.
00:27:20Oh, this turtle must go free today.
00:27:24This turtle, that's the name of this video.
00:27:26This turtle must go free today.
00:27:28Oh, what a bumpy road.
00:27:30I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope.
00:27:36Three!
00:27:39Okay, he's out.
00:27:40He's out.
00:27:43Here's Ami again.
00:27:46He was just all about compassion.
00:27:47But Judaism is an idea that, like, compassion, obviously, is a good thing,
00:27:52but you have to weigh it with strength.
00:27:55Because if you have too much compassion, that can actually hurt somebody.
00:28:00So you have to, like, you have to always balance things out, you know?
00:28:04Good morning, Papa.
00:28:06What's your favorite breakfast?
00:28:09Whitefish, bagels?
00:28:11And mushrooms and eggs.
00:28:13As strong as he was in certain ways, there were some ways that he was very, very weak.
00:28:18Okay.
00:28:19You know?
00:28:20To have a companion was very important.
00:28:22He just, loneliness.
00:28:23He hated loneliness.
00:28:25You know?
00:28:26That was the thing that cut away at him the most.
00:28:30Ladies and gentlemen, this is Douglas Edwards,
00:28:33here with Virginia Land Christy, noted costume designer.
00:28:36I think he asked a lot about, like, the Jewish afterlife and, like, what was going to happen to him when he died.
00:28:51And, like, um...
00:28:53And at the time, I didn't think that he, like, that was going to be it for him, you know?
00:29:00Because I knew he'd gone through so much already, you know?
00:29:02So maybe he knew it was worse off than he said it was.
00:29:16I knew he wasn't fulfilled.
00:29:18But Ami helped me understand just how lonely he often felt.
00:29:23It made me wish I had showed up at that poetry reading.
00:29:28And at other times, too.
00:29:30Ah, the juggler.
00:29:31Summer of 87.
00:29:32With foot feet.
00:29:37Can you boys do that?
00:29:39Did you have a rock like poppy?
00:29:44One of the last things he said is, don't forget you're Jewish.
00:29:49So he said, kind of out of nowhere, actually.
00:29:53Like, I wasn't really talking.
00:29:54He was, like, in his hospital bed.
00:29:57And he was like, don't forget you're Jewish.
00:29:58And when it's dry and ready...
00:30:00Then dreidel, I shall play.
00:30:14oh well gentlemen it's your first Hanukkah second Christmas I've never
00:30:26celebrated Hanukkah before never celebrated much so it's sort of fun to
00:30:34have these two holidays here I want these kids to be filled up I want them
00:30:41to be filled up so that when they become grown-ups they can give and not be angry
00:30:47and not be hostile because they'll be filled up so it's a holiday it's a
00:30:55holiday I've decorated the the nanny room for days
00:31:04and Casey happens to get here for Hanukkah
00:31:07are you filled totally
00:31:18your muffins ready honey
00:31:31yeah
00:31:33I'm leaving down with your grandma's phone number next to the phone
00:31:38honey yeah I'm leaving down with your grandma's phone number next to the phone
00:31:46that sea disaster psychiatrist I told you about
00:32:04call him okay you can't be too careful
00:32:07thank you my island princess
00:32:14back at my mom's I started wondering if my dad hated being alone so much who was
00:32:21keeping him company all those years
00:32:24I guess I want to know if there's anything in here that I want to scan yeah a lot of
00:32:35this is so I'm not gonna know anyone like you know these people I know oh my god look at
00:32:41Sharon Steinman oh look Tommy and Kendra here's my sister in a prom date Bobby
00:32:50Delafano so so Winthrop do you guys want to eat before you leave
00:32:57wait what's this what be I would say put that down on the high boy dresser
00:33:05who's that and what it is this
00:33:13don't know
00:33:20okay so let me go back let me just tell you and I'll try not to go into too much you know craziness
00:33:29and you just stop me if I go into too much but
00:33:31it's okay I want to know about that stuff
00:33:33yeah okay all right so I came to Harper College in 1967 and um here right away I run into your father
00:33:42um and we became friends immediately the big thing I remember were that all of his friends were extremely impressed with him he was a very charismatic person
00:33:55and he was like that all his life he drew people to him and they just you know and he could charm them like he could charm a snake
00:34:04he worked in New York for a while in a job he hated I had this memory of winter time where he was just so bummed out just really unhappy he hated the job
00:34:16what job was it it was I don't know insurance company something very mundane
00:34:22and um hated it just hated it um really almost in tears he was and talked about how much he hated this job and uh he had to get out
00:34:37and I said so get out get out there's nothing keeping you there why do you have to stay in this job you hate it
00:34:43I hate it I hate it
00:35:03our mom just said dad was lazy
00:35:05it's Friday I think
00:35:09nobody said he might be suffering
00:35:11in truth I didn't remember my dad working any traditional type jobs
00:35:21the rhythmic sounds coming from the ball
00:35:23and further investigation required
00:35:41I think and then of course you know when you guys were born um you know one of you had the which one was it was it you I guess was your brother is it you or your brother that had the
00:35:55Jesse was born with a cleft lip and pallet
00:36:09yeah
00:36:11and um he uh um um
00:36:15um
00:36:17that just really blew his mind
00:36:19never occurred to me
00:36:21never occurred to him that you might have kids and the kids might have a medical problem
00:36:23I mean I just never heard to him and he didn't have any money
00:36:25and you know what he felt
00:36:27I think
00:36:29and now he had to provide for the families that meant like real jobs
00:36:31he didn't like real jobs so he had like a job
00:36:33marketing job and he had this team
00:36:35I'd talk to the people on the team and be like
00:36:37wow
00:36:38you know David's great
00:36:39he's he's so
00:36:40you know
00:36:41uh uh uh uh uh
00:36:42and it was just like everything I had always heard since I was a teenager
00:36:45you know like oh you know your father was his big figure and they'd all look up to him
00:36:49but I don't think he felt that way about himself
00:36:52I think that he was sort of like a hollow man in those ways
00:36:56you know he was diagnosed bipolar
00:37:01he was fundamentally a good person but he was sick
00:37:05he was sick
00:37:06and he didn't want
00:37:08he didn't deal with the fact that he was sick very well
00:37:11he didn't think of the effect of what not taking the medication would have on his family
00:37:20I didn't mean to cut him out of my life forever you know
00:37:23I just wanted to uh I just wanted to uh
00:37:30I just wanted to uh
00:37:32I didn't want to deal with him when he was that crazy
00:37:37he didn't want any kind of constraint
00:37:42right
00:37:43he wanted to be free
00:37:46of course that
00:37:47that kind of desire for freedom becomes a constraint in itself
00:37:53I started to see a pattern
00:37:56he wanted independence so badly
00:37:58but always relied on someone else for help
00:38:01who that someone was changed a lot
00:38:05the exact timeline of who my dad dated and when
00:38:08has always been fuzzy to me
00:38:09I know he was with a few different women after he and my mom separated
00:38:13and at least one while they were together
00:38:15we'll get to her
00:38:16but Kathy was his last partner
00:38:19maybe she could help me understand him
00:38:21at that late stage in his life
00:38:24you met your dad, right?
00:38:26ha ha ha
00:38:29um
00:38:33you know life was hard for him
00:38:35he didn't have
00:38:36there was some like basic life skills that he didn't have
00:38:39he wasn't very good at
00:38:42you know plodding through life
00:38:44and doing the things that you're supposed to do
00:38:46I think in part it was a choice
00:38:48and I think part it was a
00:38:50restriction of his mental illness
00:38:53and it's not like he really continued
00:38:56being able to functionally pursue any creative stuff
00:39:00like even he said Brooklyn boy
00:39:03he was transitioning between contacts and glasses or something
00:39:06and he just like
00:39:07could never get it together to get the contacts
00:39:10so it's not like he
00:39:13like really became a successful actor
00:39:17he made me laugh every single day
00:39:21and you know
00:39:23he made me cry about every third day
00:39:25and he pissed me off every other day
00:39:27he just he had an interesting perspective
00:39:32because he didn't have
00:39:33kind of a traditional life
00:39:37hearing Kathy's stories made me wonder
00:39:39how much control my dad had over his life
00:39:42my siblings and I were once part of a study for kids of bipolar parents
00:39:46but we just figured we were doing it so our dad could earn some cash
00:39:51by the end of it
00:39:52his life seemed like a far cry from the unregimented freedom
00:39:56that his Groovopolis characters enjoy
00:39:59did my dad still experience rainbows?
00:40:01or just rain?
00:40:08what'd you get?
00:40:09I don't know, we'll find out
00:40:13what's the charity called?
00:40:15community servants
00:40:17see my dad
00:40:22see my dad
00:40:24see my dad use
00:40:26the hard-ass money I work for
00:40:29to feed his face
00:40:32wait, are you doing a documentary on me?
00:40:36let's see what we got
00:40:40let's see what we got
00:40:41we got
00:40:42sweet and sour chicken pasta and beans
00:40:45that's a pretty good thing there
00:40:48and frittata fish
00:40:50I hate frittata but
00:40:52you'll find out
00:40:53by the way
00:40:54that's a pretty good thing
00:40:55I'm going to be
00:40:56good
00:40:58Dad, how are the medical bills paid?
00:40:59I have medicare
00:41:05and MassHealth
00:41:06because I'm poor
00:41:09and it covers all of it?
00:41:10all of it? Really? Wow. Can you imagine? So does that make you angry? No, of course not.
00:41:25That's awesome. Well, how does it make you feel, though? It actually, I don't know. People
00:41:33complain about health stuff so much, I assume there was a problem with people not getting
00:41:37health care enough. Well, it's good to be either rich or poor in America. One day you looked
00:41:49up at me and you said, you gotta work, right, Dad? Ah, did I feel crummy. Yes, the answer
00:42:00is yes. You gotta. I didn't know my dad felt ashamed of not being a provider.
00:42:07Sometimes I felt ashamed that I was working a, quote, real job instead of being a full-time
00:42:13artist. The more I dug into the script and talked to people from my dad's life, the less
00:42:19foreign his struggles became. I wish I had more talks like this with him. I would have asked
00:42:25him about the good stuff. What gives him hope and brings him joy? And I also would have asked
00:42:30him about this other tape that I found when I was looking for my dad's mixtape. I just
00:42:35want to fuck. I know about pain and suffering and being cold. I just want to fuck. I knew
00:42:45who this tape came from. I knew about her because my mom knew about her. It was from a woman named
00:42:51Lena, who my dad had a son with sometime during my childhood.
00:42:54I overheard stories growing up, like that she sent a picture of a burning airplane to my mom
00:43:13home. Because she knew my mom was a flight attendant. Wake up. You're dreaming. But to bring up Lena
00:43:21was taboo. Actually, taboo is an understatement.
00:43:26So when I found another photo of Lena's son in a card with my dad's stuff, I fought the
00:43:56butterflies in my stomach and showed my mom another piece of mail that Lena had sent to see if I
00:44:02could learn more about what really happened. Oh. Oh, when did he send this? Did he get this?
00:44:11I have no idea what that is.
00:44:1693. Sarah would have been, uh, seven.
00:44:2694. Yeah. I got more pictures of that kid. He looks more like your friend Kenny.
00:44:3594. Oh, that's very sweet. Should I put this with the other stuff? I mean, Dave always denied it.
00:44:46She had five kids by five different men. And then she had this one by Dave. But that was her M.O.
00:44:54That's how she put support herself since she was 19 years old. Do the math. Five kids. 40 years old.
00:45:02And she's suddenly pregnant. Wait, wait, hold on. With a kid that looks nothing like you.
00:45:07Hold on, hold on. That nobody would give a name to. Hold on.
00:45:09And then now she's supposedly all happy with this lawyer man. Oh, no shit. A lawyer, Lena.
00:45:17Hey, Mom. I can't do this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:45:21No, I'm not going to do this. Stop filming right now, William.
00:45:30Okay, if you're puzzled, that's because it's puzzling.
00:45:33Here's what I knew for sure. I had a half-brother named Josh. Our moms never got along. And we often got caught in the middle. Oh, and Josh's mom was into witchcraft.
00:45:47Anyway, I wanted to respect my mom's wish for me to stop. But I desperately needed to know about this dark magic and my half-brother. So I kept the audio recording.
00:45:57Uh, Lena and I would work and he would watch children. I came home from a trip and your ass was all black and blue because you didn't make it to the bathroom. I could no longer leave you alone with him.
00:46:11I had to hire help when I flew, even though you had a dad who was the, uh, caregiver, the househusband, the, uh, home dad, or whatever the fuck they call him.
00:46:23Well, you don't want to record when I, you know, have this time.
00:46:30Hey mom, listen, can I just tell you?
00:46:31I know you should have made emails to answer on the phone.
00:46:37Home dad?
00:46:38Cut the narration. Cut the bill. Please.
00:46:42I don't really remember physical abuse, which each of my parents accused the other of doing, but I do remember the yelling, being caught in the middle of adults with their own pain to process.
00:46:57I thought talking would help clarify things, but I guess even now it was going to feel taboo.
00:47:03While my mom's version is not totally accurate, in fact, Lena only had one more kid than her, this is how my mother felt.
00:47:11Even after my father's death, she still didn't want to talk about Lena or Josh at all.
00:47:18But I felt it was now possible to explore things that were always off limits.
00:47:24So I went to my siblings who were caught in the middle with me.
00:47:28Weren't my brother and sister curious about our dad's other family too?
00:47:33Jesse!
00:47:33What's that name?
00:47:37Do you know why I want to go upstate?
00:47:40I gather that you want to get caught in the middle of your dad.
00:47:45Any other ideas why I might want to go to upstate New York?
00:47:51Oh god.
00:47:56Why are you keeping this secret?
00:47:58I'm not. Why do you think I'm telling you? Why do you think we're talking about it?
00:48:01What? Is it a bad idea?
00:48:06Yeah, but like, it's us. Why don't we still manage to run over there?
00:48:10Yeah, I know.
00:48:11But I don't know, like...
00:48:12I think we should meet Josh.
00:48:17It's a little bit of a windfuck.
00:48:24It's a windfuck.
00:48:25Turn right onto East, going through the street.
00:48:34My sister Sarah couldn't be swayed to meet Josh and Lena.
00:48:38So she stayed home.
00:48:39Should I park right in front?
00:48:41Like my mom, she didn't want to go anywhere near this.
00:48:45Which is understandable.
00:48:46The destination is on your right.
00:48:48I felt like I was getting closer to witnessing my dad when he was making that mixtape and writing Groovopolis.
00:48:55I was finally unearthing him at his freest.
00:48:59But to my mom and sister, that freedom just looked like...
00:49:05Abandonment.
00:49:06I also felt anger toward my dad for fucking things up for our family.
00:49:13How could he do this to us?
00:49:14How could he do it to me?
00:49:16As a teenager, I remember him once telling me in an exasperated way that it's so hard to love one woman.
00:49:23Sure, I understand that better now.
00:49:26But did he feel responsibility to us?
00:49:29Or just to free love?
00:49:30What is your intent?
00:49:32Because there's some things that are so intense that have to do with you, Sarah, and Will.
00:49:37And things that he told me from his perspective.
00:49:42I'm Will.
00:49:43Yes, Will.
00:49:44But...
00:49:45Jesse.
00:49:45Yeah.
00:49:46Sarah.
00:49:46Yeah.
00:49:47I know you're Will.
00:49:48Yeah.
00:49:48Wait, so I know there's a lot.
00:49:52What I wanted to know, but was too nervous to ask, was if my dad was happier with them.
00:49:57Was he like that freewheeling character he was writing about at the time?
00:50:01Had he been somehow transformed and enlightened on an island in Groovopolis?
00:50:06The last thing I want to do is like, cause you additional stress or cause my mom stress.
00:50:10Oh, well, I only met your mom once.
00:50:15Yeah.
00:50:15But I talked to her the phone several times.
00:50:19Just so you know, when I first told him I was expecting Josh, he was really happy.
00:50:26He smiled.
00:50:28He was, he was happy.
00:50:31And, um...
00:50:32And everything kind of, you know, it was okay for a while, but then it started slowly getting worse.
00:50:40And I was working.
00:50:42And then I found out your mom was calling there all the time.
00:50:46And he was going back and forth, being called back all the time.
00:50:49All the time, all the time.
00:50:50And one day, shortly after Josh turned two, it was just out of the blue.
00:50:58He says, I'm going back.
00:51:01I said, what's going on?
00:51:02He says, well, what are we doing?
00:51:04What's going to happen to me when I'm older?
00:51:07Who's going to take care of me?
00:51:08You?
00:51:10And I said, what?
00:51:11Um, I didn't have enough money to take care of him.
00:51:16He had quit his job at this point.
00:51:19He had a job?
00:51:20He had a job.
00:51:21He had a job where he made $100,000 per year.
00:51:25What?
00:51:25What was he doing?
00:51:26He was working as a manager in a telemarketing company.
00:51:31He was doing very well.
00:51:33There was nothing for him to do except sit there and watch people on the phone.
00:51:38He was loved by everybody because he had such a great persona.
00:51:43Why did he leave the job?
00:51:48I'll tell you what he told me.
00:51:52He says, it's just taking everything out of me.
00:51:57I was always trying to get him back into spirituality because he was very much self-hating.
00:52:03You know, self-hating Jew.
00:52:04It's Jewish.
00:52:05He said he wanted to be the guy in Connecticut on the boat.
00:52:08I don't know if he ever said that to you.
00:52:09But he wanted to be the guy, you know, with the khakis on the boat.
00:52:13Not Danny.
00:52:15He would actually do it like this.
00:52:17He would go from persona to persona.
00:52:19Because I want to be the guy on the boat.
00:52:22My dad played plenty of roles, but a guy in khakis on a boat in Connecticut
00:52:27had to be the furthest from a Brooklyn-born Jewish boy named Danny.
00:52:33Stop your nun.
00:52:33I'll be right back.
00:52:34We haven't had a radio breakdown, not yet.
00:52:40Must have been hot.
00:52:41I'm telling you, Ivan Mosher is half-wide.
00:52:50Hey, it's down.
00:52:52So what are you waiting for?
00:52:53Your table's ready?
00:52:55Thanks.
00:52:56On the 4th of July, 1845, Thoreau put the busy, competitive world behind him.
00:53:03You're out of your fucking mind.
00:53:06Thank you, please.
00:53:06You'll finish both y'all, Walt.
00:53:08You know, all these things that he is, are all personas.
00:53:12He has a persona for this, a persona for that.
00:53:14Because the real Danny is like this.
00:53:18He says, he's Danny Sheldon Krivelin.
00:53:22He's very scary and tiny.
00:53:24You know, he would do all this stuff.
00:53:25And then he'd have, like, whoa, you know, like, these personas that were out there and were very charismatic.
00:53:33And they were all shields to protect him.
00:53:38That's it.
00:53:39I mean, he was everything that everybody says he was to them.
00:53:44He was a hundred different people to everybody.
00:53:47Okay, so he couldn't take the cubicle, but did that make acting his one chance to support our families?
00:53:59Or was that just an opportunity to be someone else?
00:54:03To hide from responsibility?
00:54:05My dad left Josh even more than he left us.
00:54:09If anyone should feel abandoned, it was him.
00:54:12So, have you met David?
00:54:19No.
00:54:21There were times when you guys were separated and he would come out and hang out with me.
00:54:27I think we went to the zoo.
00:54:28We went to the park a couple times.
00:54:30And that's really all the memories I had of him.
00:54:34What's weird?
00:54:35Well, I mean, I've heard stuff, you know, like that, you know, that there's some level of narcissism or ego.
00:54:42I don't know behind his motives, but, like, I never knew him.
00:54:44You know what I mean?
00:54:46My dad's widespread love led to widespread loss.
00:54:51It felt unfair that Josh knew less about our dad than we did.
00:54:55I let him know that my dad didn't financially support our branch of the family tree either.
00:55:00I don't really say, like, oh, he left me and all this other stuff.
00:55:05Meeting, um, after such a long time, I mean, do you...
00:55:14What's going through your head?
00:55:17Are there, like...
00:55:18Well, I mean, we're like blood.
00:55:20You know what I'm saying?
00:55:20It's like we share the same genetics, you know what I mean?
00:55:24That, you know, we're a family, you know, that was kind of split apart, you know?
00:55:33I don't really have much to say.
00:55:36Can you show us your tattoos one more time?
00:55:39Oh, yeah, definitely.
00:55:41You want me to show it to the camera?
00:55:42Yeah, that'd be awesome.
00:55:43Sure.
00:55:44Oh, this is Bob Marley.
00:55:45I thought meeting my half-brother would reveal my dad's mindset while he was writing Groovopolis.
00:55:52But all I saw was my dad constrained by the expectations that he'd be a supportive partner or a nurturing parent.
00:56:00And it made me want to be more nurturing myself.
00:56:03What's like a classic metal song that we haven't heard that you think we need to hear?
00:56:09A classic metal song?
00:56:11Spash a single digit.
00:56:12Spash a single digit.
00:56:13There you go.
00:56:14Yeah?
00:56:14You can play Spash a single digit.
00:56:17Mm-hmm.
00:56:31It was a hypnotic state of lust and fantasy.
00:56:35We were all headed for some sort of galactical orgasm when we realized that we needed physical bodies to achieve that climax.
00:56:42Since we weren't an ethereal kind of body, that climax was impossible.
00:56:49But still, the desire for fulfillment grew stronger.
00:56:55Okay, here we go.
00:56:56Uh, let's go with this 1960s movie won an award.
00:57:04Hmm.
00:57:05Was it How Green Was My Valley?
00:57:07We're right again, Gumdrop.
00:57:08Well, this might be an early evening after all.
00:57:11We are using big, huh?
00:57:12Time to get on the stick.
00:57:14Before we start, I have a hankering for the Vienna Boys.
00:57:17Anybody object?
00:57:18I will.
00:57:18I mean, not at all.
00:57:22I'll put it on.
00:57:23Lena said that my dad used different personas as shields to protect his vulnerability.
00:57:29Is he seeing anyone?
00:57:31We're working on it.
00:57:32It just seems a little bit off.
00:57:34I was starting to feel like making Groovopolis was my shield.
00:57:38A way to not have to deal with the grief of losing my dad.
00:57:42I'm just really worried about it.
00:57:44He's going to save the fuck.
00:57:45Oh, yes.
00:57:46You know, that Bob Twilliger sure has my vote.
00:57:48I mean, something has to be done about these downtown riffraffs.
00:57:50I don't know.
00:57:51Why don't they just put a mall there?
00:57:52Like, everywhere else.
00:57:54My turn.
00:57:55All right.
00:57:57Okay.
00:57:59Adventure Heroes.
00:58:00How appropriate.
00:58:01All right.
00:58:01How many movie stars are playing Tarzan?
00:58:05Oh, that's an easy one.
00:58:06Okay, let me see.
00:58:08Where is this music?
00:58:10Well, it certainly isn't the Vienna Boys, but it does have a pleasantness to it.
00:58:16It's obviously toasty in here when that fire, isn't it?
00:58:21There's, um, John White Singular.
00:58:24There's Tarzan.
00:58:26The Ape Man.
00:58:30Tarzan and Barbary.
00:58:31Tarzan the Jumbo Man.
00:58:37There we go.
00:58:38There we go.
00:58:40Ah!
00:58:41Ah!
00:58:46Uh-oh.
00:58:47Uh-oh.
00:58:47Uh-oh.
00:58:47Uh-oh.
00:58:49Uh-oh.
00:58:49Uh-oh.
00:58:49In Groovopolis, mystical sounds turn Philip into Phil.
00:58:54Whoever he shares the music with becomes better and more free until there's some kind of shared
00:59:00suburban paradise.
00:59:03But his movie didn't reflect the pain my dad caused in real life.
00:59:07I realized I was trying to honor my dad when what I really needed to do was forgive him.
00:59:16Sex is a misdemeanor.
00:59:18The more you miss, the meaner you get.
00:59:20It's a misdemeanor.
00:59:22Uh-oh.
00:59:23Uh-oh.
00:59:23my dad once told a reporter acting is something that i can't not do even if somebody had a role
00:59:35for me and wasn't going to pay me at all hey i would still do it what's wrong with this picture
00:59:41he didn't even get credited for his most noteworthy performance
00:59:47in what was at the time a small budget indie film called the terminator
00:59:51nice night for a walk
01:00:04duh remember art it's good for your heart and i'm out of here
01:00:13after that his career was a mixed bag of poetry readings and public access tv
01:00:21and the less he worked the more he wrote
01:00:25i'll have the blood sausage and a large glass of milk i'll have your largest bowl of fresh fruit please
01:00:32philip's job for soothing's inc was selling background music to retail stores i seem to be
01:00:37having a confidence problem mr tooley coincidentally my first job was also selling background music
01:00:44which is what sparked that first and only conversation i had with my dad
01:00:48about gruvopolis toward the end of the movie a new product called x tool promises to hypnotize
01:00:56shoppers into buying things sorry ainsworth i would love to help you be more confident
01:01:03good but for it to work the evil boss has to harness the music that philip recorded on the island
01:01:11while he was marooned but the x tool really isn't my passion anymore the same hypnotic rhythm that
01:01:17converted philip into whatever the opposite of a paper clip is i'm offering you the opportunity of a
01:01:24lifetime tooley yes i understand but i'm actually more passionate about the new music i found new music
01:01:31uh imagine the peak of a summer weekend ainsworth lying barefoot on a grassy hill if the script was
01:01:40perfect maybe it would have been made into a quintessential 90s movie and bringing its pages to
01:01:45life i could recognize the tension woven throughout my dad's how to balance his opportunities for
01:01:51stability with his true passions and that's what this music does an amusing concept
01:02:02i'm gonna make you a deal mr tooley i don't make deals like this too often
01:02:09you finish the x tool for me the company is yours
01:02:15um the the whole company to produce whatever type of music you like
01:02:25thank you very much
01:02:26you've worked way too hard for your paltry wage tuli you deserve a taste of the good life
01:02:47hi this is uh dave kristin for artbeat
01:02:49uh first a question i'm at a very special building in winthrop anybody know my dad struck
01:02:59me as having been beaten down by the proverbial man his poetry while appreciated hardly got published
01:03:08he moved from hollywood into community theater he started teaching english as a second language to
01:03:14immigrants but he still couldn't pay the rent or buy his own groceries the man had won but through
01:03:23making groovopolis what i once saw as my dad's laziness i now saw as willingness his resistance a subtle protest
01:03:32against corporate mediocrity
01:03:47this dance between danny and david between philip and phil it's the dance between who we are and who
01:03:54we aspire to be despite his loneliness my dad never settled into a single path to happiness
01:04:00and while i looked for purpose and work he shared his very last words with me
01:04:07they were just like what he put in his letter to jack when he was warning himself
01:04:12he said it's okay to just be
01:04:14mr truly
01:04:33such a disappointment this evil little tape of yours
01:04:38evil wonderful what are you doing how could you do it it was good we were happy
01:04:44happiness is a temporary delusion a truly efficient person cannot afford
01:05:00the story we heard about my dad's earlier skin cancer was that he beat it
01:05:16i liked to think of that as a trade-off for his love of the sun
01:05:20and his love had to be stronger than the hate of cancer
01:05:25this numbed us to the possibility that he could succumb to it
01:05:27so when i was just 25 and his doctor told me that my dad had stage 4 cancer
01:05:35that it had metastasized to his brain
01:05:39and that i would have to decide whether he should stay in the hospital or go into hospice
01:05:45i thought
01:05:47i have no idea what the fuck any of those terms mean
01:05:50all i knew was that i wasn't ready to let go of my dad
01:05:57to learn from his unconventional wisdom to be his friend and to show him the love
01:06:05that he tried to show me you have one unheard message first unheard message
01:06:11hey will it's dad uh listen they're putting me in the hospital i'm over at bet israel deaconess
01:06:18and uh kathy has all the information and uh i'll talk to you
01:06:34hello hello hello hello hello
01:07:00hello
01:07:12hello
01:07:14hello
01:07:56And where am I twerp?
01:07:59Under the boardwalk.
01:08:02Under the boardwalk, down by the sea.
01:08:09And there's same grandmother on the boardwalk.
01:08:14A decade after my dad died, I had scoured my earliest memory starting all the way back from the Santa Monica Pier.
01:08:25And I also talked to everyone I could reach that knew him then.
01:08:29I thought I had found everything I was going to.
01:08:32I thought I had found everything I could reach that knew him then.
01:08:37I thought I had found everything I could reach that knew him then.
01:08:39I thought I had found everything I could reach that knew him then.
01:08:41I thought I had found everything I could reach that knew him then.
01:08:43I thought I had found everything I could reach that knew him then.
01:08:45I thought I had found everything I could reach that knew him then.
01:08:47I thought I had found everything I could reach that knew him then.
01:08:49In Gruvopolis, Philip eventually discovers that his dad had a secret stash of records
01:09:07that were nothing like Bach.
01:09:13Listening to them made him realize that his dad was more nuanced,
01:09:17groovier maybe, than he thought.
01:09:47In Gruvopolis, we're glad to be here.
01:09:53In Gruvopolis, we're glad to be here.
01:09:57In Gruvopolis, we're glad to be here.
01:10:03Happy 38th birthday, Dave.
01:10:09I'm 38 years old, I made it.
01:10:13California.
01:10:15Nice tower.
01:10:17Somebody sing, hello, hello, hello.
01:10:21Somebody sing, she, she.
01:10:23Somebody cry, why, why, why.
01:10:27Time rolled on, and eventually, my grandmothers did too.
01:10:35Look at daddy, bye-bye.
01:10:36Like everyone I talked to,
01:10:38Ladies and gentlemen, the hostess with the mostess.
01:10:40I still had unanswered questions about my dad.
01:10:43Then, just as we were getting ready to sell my maternal grandmother's farm,
01:10:49the same place where I set that turtle free with my dad when I was a kid.
01:10:53Three!
01:10:54Okay, he's out.
01:10:55He's out.
01:10:56I was given an article about him that was written by his longtime therapist.
01:11:00I wanted to run it by my mom and sister because
01:11:03they love talking to me about him on camera.
01:11:05Maybe she'll come back in after she has a cigarette.
01:11:09Oh my goodness.
01:11:12I don't want to talk about this.
01:11:14Are you wearing sunglasses?
01:11:15Well, they're transition lenses.
01:11:17Okay.
01:11:19It keeps nosy filmmakers at bay.
01:11:23If you were to tell me your questions, I could concise my answer.
01:11:29Yeah.
01:11:31I don't, I don't really, I don't really have questions like that.
01:11:34Okay, good.
01:11:35Proceed.
01:11:36Next.
01:11:37Can I, can I read you something and then ask about it?
01:11:41Yeah, yeah.
01:11:42Okay.
01:11:43So, after dad died, you know, a few years later, and I don't know how she got her hands on this,
01:11:51but Kathy was like, oh, there's this like thing that got published.
01:11:55You might be interested in it.
01:11:56Oh my God.
01:11:57Yeah.
01:11:58Read it to me.
01:11:59Okay.
01:12:00All right.
01:12:01I'll read it to you.
01:12:02So it just says, I think it was, it was published.
01:12:03Read it to me.
01:12:06Here's how the article goes.
01:12:08Palliative psychotherapy.
01:12:10After hearing my doubts about whether I had done anything to help a middle-aged, talented,
01:12:16but difficult patient lead even a marginally better life, a trusted colleague said,
01:12:22I think you made his existence a little less lonely and painful.
01:12:29But after years of therapy, shouldn't I have catalyzed greater change in a patient's behavior and lifestyle?
01:12:48Perhaps.
01:12:49That's pretty, too.
01:12:50Perhaps.
01:12:51That's pretty, too.
01:12:52But then I realized that my treatment could be thought of as palliative psychotherapy.
01:12:56You're gonna kill, you're gonna kill.
01:12:58Uh-oh.
01:12:59What's up?
01:13:00That's me.
01:13:01After all, I had provided comfort, if not cure.
01:13:05I had provided some humor and perspective for a life chronically lacking in both.
01:13:13It's a video.
01:13:14It's a video.
01:13:15What if fundamentally altering his many decades worth of maladaptive coping was beyond my skills,
01:13:23and perhaps anyone's.
01:13:25Despite my hopes and efforts, my patient had not put away childish things and moved beyond erratic work
01:13:32and stormy relationships.
01:13:41Palliative psychotherapy is for those patients whose unyielding constellation of character problems
01:13:46feels terminally unmodifiable, yet who continue to seek some form of relief.
01:13:52By stressing acceptance and adaptation, rather than behavior change,
01:14:00Palliative psychotherapy might offer patients more help in seemingly hopeless situations.
01:14:07Yo.
01:14:08Yo, uh, what?
01:14:09That's the voice.
01:14:11You know what I mean?
01:14:12Alright, let me do this.
01:14:13That's the voice.
01:14:15There it was.
01:14:17A prescription to just be.
01:14:22Well, it's a beautiful time here at the farm, and there's something I thought I'd like
01:14:29to share with the future.
01:14:32If I didn't work harder myself, I wrongly assumed that I would inherit my dad's harder life.
01:14:39In reality, it wasn't really a struggle between working and dancing for him.
01:14:46It was simply a struggle.
01:14:49And it's just beautiful here on the farm.
01:14:56That's the way it looks.
01:14:59And I'm gonna sign off now.
01:15:01Bye.
01:15:02Bye.
01:15:03Everyone's dad danced once.
01:15:05Handsworth.
01:15:06Even yours.
01:15:07It would've been whipped with a strap to it.
01:15:08Because he couldn't dance.
01:15:09Because his dad couldn't dance.
01:15:10Because his dad wanted to, but nobody taught him.
01:15:11And nobody taught his dad.
01:15:12Learning that my dad didn't always have the same options I have made me acknowledge my own
01:15:14agency.
01:15:15to because he couldn't dance because his dad couldn't dance because his dad wanted to but
01:15:23nobody taught him and nobody taught his dad learning that my dad didn't always have the
01:15:28same options i have made me acknowledge my own agency there's no secret algorithm that
01:15:34will optimize my work life data all there is is me trying my best to be filled up
01:16:04running off some of their energy this morning okay now we can go
01:16:14losing my dad sent me searching for remnants of fatherly advice boys watch out for only women
01:16:44what i found was relationships are messy being a parent is hard forgiving one is too
01:16:53and work is not the aim of life smalls how are you
01:16:58sarah got a master's in psychology and works in mental health
01:17:02which can come in handy for our family it's so definitely about our dad right
01:17:09jukebox the ghost jesse my younger brother by a minute
01:17:13has made a career in music love the drums thank you sir
01:17:19and all of us are building a relationship with josh
01:17:24here we are on the coney island boardwalk covering a lot of ground today
01:17:29about to get a drink with sarah kristin
01:17:36i'm now about the same age my dad was when he was writing groovopolis
01:17:41in the script after the tape is destroyed the characters realized that their ability to be free
01:17:46was within them all along i keep dancing i on the other hand had to grieve what my dad was
01:17:52and what he wasn't before i could confront my own challenges
01:17:57i got over my fear that i might mess up my relationships
01:18:00and yeah dad she's jewish and i finally let go of the hustle and became a dad myself
01:18:11now there's something i'd like to share with the future
01:18:24oh go away call it oh geez your grandpa taught me that happiness isn't an emotion
01:18:30it isn't a feeling and it isn't a sound it's a possibility and even if you're born with the
01:18:39demons that pull you in the opposite direction you can still find what makes you happiest
01:18:44if you're lucky enough to glimpse it however small it might seem when you first see it in the distance
01:18:57so
01:19:06there once was land in this land under starry skies above
01:19:11but they fenced it in now it's interstates and interchanges monoprop and truck stops
01:19:19because they fenced it in i wish that every golf course became a wma
01:19:26and every politician knew the rift that we pay just to drink ourselves to death and go to jobs that we
01:19:34hate oh to be fenced and turn us loose and let us rattle off our chain and lift the pain from our faces
01:19:46and every hour on the clock or in a classroom or a cell could not contain us
01:19:55i just don't see any glory in industrial cattle
01:20:00truckers bodies twist from a life in the saddle is freedom ringing in your ear just a death rattle
01:20:09you won't fence us in
01:20:24so
01:20:29so
01:20:35I wish ancestral lands
01:21:03Belonged to indigenous people
01:21:05And I didn't have to live in fear
01:21:08Law from the steeple
01:21:10The grievance make you strong
01:21:12Or is it what makes you feeble?
01:21:15You won't fence us in
01:21:17Though you might try
01:21:18You won't fence us in
01:21:21Ain't you listen?
01:21:23You won't fence us in
01:21:35You won't fence us in
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