A Texas Funeral full English comedy drama movie #ATexasFuneral #Comedy #DarkComedy #FamilyDrama #DysfunctionalFamily #Eccentric #Humor #2025Movie #Quirky #Satire #MustWatch #Offbeat #EnsembleCast #Funny #Relatable
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00It could be psychologically damaging at his age.
00:00:03I won't.
00:00:04Zach?
00:00:04I won't.
00:00:06Come here, boy.
00:00:08Say goodbye to your granddaddy.
00:00:21See?
00:00:22That's enough.
00:00:24See?
00:00:25There's nothing to be afraid of.
00:00:28Your granddad ain't even there.
00:00:30That's just his shell.
00:00:36Little Sparkle.
00:00:37Now, your granddaddy, he isn't really gone, honey.
00:00:42He's with us.
00:00:43He's with us everywhere.
00:00:45Only he doesn't have that big old heavy body to carry around anymore.
00:00:48He's light now.
00:00:50You see, that's what happens when people die.
00:00:53They become light enough to go to heaven.
00:00:54Now, that's nothing to be afraid of, is it?
00:00:58Now, go on.
00:00:58Go see your Aunt Charlotte.
00:00:59I know she's living for you.
00:01:00Go.
00:01:01Go.
00:01:01Go.
00:01:05Yeah, I'd like to have Cadillac like yours.
00:01:15You got that big V8 in there?
00:01:16We're going to get into a lot of traveling places.
00:01:19We're going to get into a lot of traveling places.
00:01:20We're going to get into a lot of the block of art.
00:01:22Sparta, forgive your murders.
00:01:28Oh, your sweet ear.
00:01:31Sparta, your sweet, sweet ear.
00:01:37Will you forgive your sugar bush?
00:01:40I'll give this back to you in heaven, sugar girl.
00:01:53I'm still belted radios.
00:01:56Oh, yeah.
00:01:57Sorry, I'm arisen.
00:01:59Solid still.
00:02:00I guess you got that.
00:02:02You're out there.
00:02:03Yes, she is.
00:02:04Lost seats.
00:02:04Oh, no.
00:02:05Of course, I'll never get a Cadillac.
00:02:07Dad.
00:02:08Those leather seats?
00:02:09Oh, yeah.
00:02:09Cadillac without leather seats would be like a girl without a bow.
00:02:12Dad!
00:02:12It would be like tits without an hippie.
00:02:14Dad!
00:02:17Sparta, don't you be quiet for a while.
00:02:19You know, funerals are a solemn occasion and you've got to shut up sometimes.
00:02:22I want the casket sealed immediately.
00:02:30I'll take that job in New York.
00:02:52I'll be able to buy you that caddy you've always wanted.
00:02:55Ah, sugar?
00:02:55I wish you wouldn't do that.
00:02:57How about that, little Sparta?
00:03:01How'd you like to have a big old Cadillac in the family?
00:03:06What's the matter with him?
00:03:07What he said?
00:03:07No.
00:03:08You told him to shut up at the funeral parlor so he's not talking.
00:03:12He's angry with his father.
00:03:14It's called passive aggression.
00:03:15It's what children do nowadays.
00:03:17Oh, they do, do they?
00:03:18They do.
00:03:18Well, that doesn't sound very audacious to me.
00:03:21That's what we're raising nowadays.
00:03:23A little sniveling, spoiled, passive offspring.
00:03:26I ain't afraid of their own shadows.
00:03:28If I were to try that hokey-pokey with my daddy, you know what he'd say?
00:03:30Zach, don't say it.
00:03:31He'd say you just better sharpen up or else I'm going to hit you so hard and you won't
00:03:34be able to get back up again.
00:03:35Oh, hell, did I just miss to turn off your Mirandas?
00:03:48It's two more, Zach.
00:03:50Hey, little Sparta, you remember your Aunt Miranda, right, Sparta?
00:03:54Ask her about Indians.
00:03:55Aunt Miranda's a big expert on Indians.
00:03:57Yeah, she's a real expert.
00:03:59Your Aunt used to get up and dance in them authentic Indian pow-wows.
00:04:05How about a wink for camera, Miss Cherokee Queen?
00:04:08God, they just loved her to death.
00:04:10turn off the dirty walk and dream.
00:04:12Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.
00:04:14Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.
00:04:16Yeah, your family's here, Miranda.
00:04:37Y'all come on in.
00:04:39Miranda, you look so good.
00:04:42I'd kiss you better see you got your lips all gussied up.
00:04:44Well, that's okay, Zachy.
00:04:48Hmm.
00:04:57Do you pack yet?
00:04:59Three days ago.
00:05:03What in God's name you got in here, girl?
00:05:06You know it's only gonna be one night.
00:05:08Daddy goes in the ground tomorrow.
00:05:10Mom will tell you how that happened?
00:05:11Heart attack.
00:05:12Then he passed on a week later.
00:05:15Now, don't go asking about the tickets.
00:05:17She's been acting a little off kilter,
00:05:18and I think it wouldn't hurt to give her some time
00:05:19to sort things out before we go prime.
00:05:23We gonna see the body first?
00:05:25Well, we thought, taking into consideration
00:05:27the way things were between you and all Sparta
00:05:30that used to soon as well skip that part.
00:05:33Would have been nice to see him at peace for a change.
00:05:35Come on, we gotta go, or else the barbecue's gonna get cold.
00:05:40Let's go!
00:05:41Come on!
00:05:42Zach, hold those horses.
00:05:44Come on, ladies.
00:05:44Dad's in a hurry.
00:05:46Why don't you sit up front with the adults, Mary Joan?
00:05:53Sparta and I are sitting back here.
00:05:58Texans are still in shock
00:05:59over President Johnson's announcement last night
00:06:01but he will not seek another term in the way.
00:06:04And so, Texans are still in the way.
00:06:05Oh, you've got me, Sparta.
00:06:10I remember when I could always beat you.
00:06:15Now you're practically a man.
00:06:18Zach, if you keep on playing with that radio,
00:06:19you're gonna have to get me a room at that asylum
00:06:21right next to Miranda's.
00:06:22I'm just trying to find you a good station, sweetie.
00:06:25Goddamn, I'm impatient.
00:06:26Goddamn?
00:06:27Is that a word you want our little Sparta to be saying?
00:06:29Zach?
00:06:29Our son doesn't talk, remember?
00:06:31Isn't that right, little Sparta?
00:06:34See?
00:06:36We got ourselves a little mute boy.
00:06:39Is that true?
00:06:40We're now in their third night of protest
00:06:42against a U.S. police action.
00:06:43Not even me.
00:06:46Here we go.
00:06:47Thank the Lord.
00:06:51You're gonna be a real heartbreaker when you grow up.
00:06:53You know that boy?
00:06:54No, he's not, Miranda.
00:06:55He's gonna be a gentleman.
00:06:56I'm raising little Sparta to just be a gentleman.
00:07:00Well, gentlemen are the worst heartbreakers in the world
00:07:02because they just love one woman
00:07:04and leave the others to cry themselves away.
00:07:08Honey, you gonna smoke in the car?
00:07:10No.
00:07:12I was gonna ask my brother, the gentleman,
00:07:14if he would stop the car so a lady could have a smoke.
00:07:16Fear of so much raindrops.
00:07:22We make mistakes and feel so weak when we've made someone blue.
00:07:35We make mistakes and feel so weak when we've made someone blue.
00:07:43But I've made the greatest mistake.
00:07:48There's Clinton's new Cadillac.
00:07:50Amazing what black gold can buy.
00:07:52Zach, don't start with the oil saga again.
00:07:54What?
00:07:55God's name is mama carrying it.
00:07:56Zach!
00:07:57Zach!
00:07:58You gotta help Clinton with Robert E.
00:07:59He's going crazy.
00:08:00Come on!
00:08:01Come on!
00:08:02Down!
00:08:03Down!
00:08:04Let's go!
00:08:05Hey Sam!
00:08:05Come on!
00:08:06Albert!
00:08:06Help!
00:08:11Tony, be careful now.
00:08:13All right, come on, boy.
00:08:14Calm down.
00:08:14Robert E.
00:08:16Robert E., God!
00:08:17God damn it, Robert E.
00:08:18Come on, boy!
00:08:19Stop!
00:08:20Jesus, Marion Joseph!
00:08:22What are you doing?
00:08:22Come on, man.
00:08:23Come on, man.
00:08:24Hey!
00:08:25Get out!
00:08:25Hello, Clinton.
00:08:53You could have been killed, honey.
00:08:56Right before Sparta died, Robert E. started acting kind of funny.
00:09:00There you go.
00:09:03Hank said he'd be by later to look at him.
00:09:07Oh, that's Walter.
00:09:10Walter? I thought he was away at that colored medical school.
00:09:13Seems he didn't have enough money to finish the year, so he's working some.
00:09:17Hello?
00:09:17Well, maybe the boy can come visit us, you know, later.
00:09:20I had a brawl with dinner and the reading of the will.
00:09:24But I invited him here because of the will.
00:09:27Mr. Crawford says he's in it.
00:09:29Y'all wipe your feet off.
00:09:30Y'all wipe your feet off.
00:09:31Come on, man.
00:09:32Hey, Walter.
00:09:33Hey, Zach.
00:09:34How you doing?
00:09:35Oh, I'm all right.
00:09:36I'm really sorry to hear about Mr. Witt.
00:09:38Yeah, I appreciate you being here, though.
00:09:39Come on in.
00:09:40When did you get back to school?
00:09:41A couple months ago.
00:09:42Been driving a vehicle on the brine.
00:09:44Boy, that's got to be rough with all that heat we got.
00:09:46Walter?
00:09:47How are you?
00:09:48I'm doing very well.
00:09:49Thank you, ma'am.
00:09:50Walter, you have just grown into a man.
00:09:54New York?
00:09:55Oh, you've been talking to Zach.
00:09:57Yeah, but New York, up all the places.
00:10:01I love him, but he doesn't have a lick of sense in his head.
00:10:04He's stubborn as all get-go.
00:10:06Even when he was a child, you could take a switch to Zach,
00:10:09and he turned right around and just raised cane all over again.
00:10:13Where does he know I just ignore Zach?
00:10:15Oh!
00:10:15Oh!
00:10:16Dad!
00:10:17Are you okay?
00:10:18Charlotte, I'm all right.
00:10:21Anyway, the only way we're seeing New York is on a tour bus.
00:10:23I've decided that.
00:10:24Good.
00:10:25You know, they say that in New York, you can't go out at night.
00:10:28Hell, Sinegar will jump out of the shadow and shoot you with a big old gun.
00:10:31You know, Charlotte, I don't believe that's true.
00:10:33Well, Clinton told me so.
00:10:35That pecan pie looks lovely.
00:10:37Oh, I didn't know we were supposed to bring dessert.
00:10:41Mm.
00:10:41They weren't.
00:10:42I just did it last minute.
00:10:43Mm.
00:10:44Well, if I'd have known I would have brought my mousse, it's a three-chocolate mousse.
00:10:47Well, honey, you just bring it next time.
00:10:49You don't need any help?
00:10:50Oh, no.
00:10:52We got it covered.
00:10:53Oh.
00:10:54Hmm.
00:10:55You had your medication?
00:10:58Twice.
00:10:59So I'd be doubly sane tonight.
00:11:02Hmm.
00:11:03Honey, please don't.
00:11:04Don't do that in here.
00:11:05It's so nice and it smells like pie.
00:11:07Power windows, leather, coffee, that's all well and good.
00:11:15I mean, that'll please the missus.
00:11:16She weren't born with much better heart, but she sure has a taste of five things.
00:11:20I call her the do this sometimes.
00:11:22Now, you climb on in there and sit in that bucket seat.
00:11:26Huh?
00:11:27Good.
00:11:28That's nice.
00:11:29You like what you see, Walter?
00:11:31I sure do.
00:11:32What's the most expensive vehicle you've ever driven in?
00:11:34M48 tank, crew two, South Saigon.
00:11:37You know, you ought to get yourself one of these, though, Zach.
00:11:41They're not that expensive if you don't get one with all the doodads in them like I have.
00:11:46Well, Mary Jones has been after me since I can't remember to get her one.
00:11:49I promised her if I'd take that job up in New York, I'd see about it.
00:11:52New York?
00:11:53Oh, that seems like the end of the earth.
00:11:54Are you seriously considering that?
00:11:56There's a lot of opportunity there.
00:11:58Well, that could be good play, though.
00:11:59You go up north and work a couple years and come back home with a better resume.
00:12:03Yeah, something like that.
00:12:04I figured we'd make some money and maybe set a little bit aside.
00:12:09Not like you and Charlotte, of course, but enough that I can invest a bit in the stock market.
00:12:13Stock market?
00:12:14I wouldn't mess with that.
00:12:15It's an awful bad time.
00:12:17You know, a lot of smart fellas have been losing their shirts.
00:12:19If I were you, I'd just, you know, hold on to what you got.
00:12:21Yeah, well, if you don't risk it, you don't drink champagne.
00:12:24And what if your daddy hadn't risked drilling that oil well out there?
00:12:27Yeah, let me tell you something.
00:12:28Money is a funny thing, Zach.
00:12:30Now, there's some fellas, they'll spit on a seed, they'll grow a forest.
00:12:34And then you got other fellas, they'll turn a garden of Eden into a desert.
00:12:41Yeah, I reckon so.
00:12:42Okay.
00:13:04Yeah.
00:13:05Oh, my God.
00:13:35Shh, shh, shh.
00:13:39I've got some other business. I've got to look after here. Just hang on now.
00:13:44Hi.
00:13:46You didn't think I'd leave without saying goodbye, did you?
00:13:49You know your old grandpa better than that.
00:13:52You look none the worse since I left.
00:13:54Wish I could say the same for old Robert D.
00:13:58Come on over here, will you?
00:14:00Ask my boy.
00:14:03Are you surprised to see me?
00:14:05Well, I'm full of surprises.
00:14:08Let's get started.
00:14:09There's some old fellas upstairs chomping at the bit to meet you.
00:14:14Up we go.
00:14:19Damn it, the hell.
00:14:22Sorry for my language, boy.
00:14:24I just wish your grandmother stopped messing with my ear.
00:14:27Come on.
00:14:27How's that, Grandad?
00:14:29How's that, Grandad?
00:14:29How's that, Grandad?
00:14:29How's that, Grandad?
00:14:29How's that, Grandad?
00:14:30How's that, Grandad?
00:14:30How's that, Grandad?
00:14:31Tell him, Daddy.
00:14:32You can't do it that down there. Take that back.
00:14:34I sure can't. I can't.
00:14:36Why, tell him, Dad.
00:14:38He taught you.
00:14:39Yeah, I taught him, but I didn't teach him to cheat like that.
00:14:42Yeah, well, like, I'm gonna play this double beat right there.
00:14:45Oh, he does it to us every time.
00:14:47There he is.
00:14:49There's our boy.
00:14:50That's our boy.
00:14:51Little Sparta, this here's your great, great, great Grandaddy Lucas.
00:14:57Shake his hand.
00:14:58Yeah, enchanté.
00:15:01Boy, he's got a grip.
00:15:04He's got a grip as good as mine, boys.
00:15:06Uh, Grandaddy?
00:15:09Uh-huh.
00:15:10You want to introduce us?
00:15:12Yeah, I guess so.
00:15:13This mama's boy here, all dressed up pretty like he's going to Sunday church,
00:15:17that's your great Grandaddy Achilles.
00:15:20Now, he's the politician in the event.
00:15:24And this is your great, great Grandaddy Jefferson.
00:15:28Yeah, he's just ugly.
00:15:31Grandaddy Lucas was the first wit in the state of Texas.
00:15:33He was also the first wit to recognize the awesome military potential of the dromedary.
00:15:38I wish you would stop gabbing like a woman.
00:15:41It's my story.
00:15:42Let me tell the boy.
00:15:44Yes, sir.
00:15:45All right.
00:15:46This is Hannibal.
00:15:47He's the first camel in the wit clan.
00:15:50And I got him when I was acting as a spy during the Yankee invasion.
00:15:57For days, I'd been wandering the desert without food or water.
00:16:01My horse had up and died of thirst.
00:16:04So I filled my canteen with her blood to keep myself from suffering the same fate.
00:16:10I'd just about given up the ghost when I stumbled upon an honest-to-God miracle.
00:16:22Camels brought from the Holy Land by the Yanks to help move supplies.
00:16:27And when I saw Hannibal standing there, I knew God himself had sent me the answer to my prayers.
00:16:34Mm.
00:16:39Ha! Ha!
00:16:41Show me!
00:16:43Show me!
00:16:45Ha!
00:16:47Ha! Ha!
00:16:49Ha! Ha!
00:16:51Oh!
00:16:53You see, the minute I laid eyes on them critters, I knew that the camel was the desert warrior's steed.
00:17:13Oh!
00:17:25Yankees.
00:17:27Here we go, boys!
00:17:29Charge!
00:17:31Charge!
00:17:33Charge!
00:17:35Come on, you!
00:17:37Charge! Get him now!
00:17:39Come on!
00:17:41What?!
00:17:43The enemy is laughing at us, sir!
00:17:47Go back here!
00:17:49I'll kill ya!
00:17:51Charge!
00:17:53Come on!
00:17:55Come here, you sons of bitches!
00:17:57Come back and fight!
00:18:03I lost.
00:18:07Shit!
00:18:09Shit!
00:18:14Animal!
00:18:15Did you see that?
00:18:17They are laughing at us!
00:18:19Laughing!
00:18:21Don't you spit at me!
00:18:23You spit at me!
00:18:24Captain Whit!
00:18:25What?
00:18:26You shouldn't really blame yourself, sir.
00:18:28Maybe the camel isn't the desert warrior's steed!
00:18:30There is nothing wrong with the desert warrior's steed!
00:18:38We just had a bad day, that's all!
00:18:40The camel cavalry distinguished itself in battle, repelling the northern attack with only one casualty among the men.
00:18:48After the war, I raised a whole mess of camels.
00:18:54But the automobile killed off the camel traffic in Texas.
00:19:00Robert E. is the last.
00:19:02He's the last of the wet desert warrior's steeds.
00:19:06Little Sparta, you wanna come on in the house now? It's time for supper!
00:19:12You still ain't talking, hon.
00:19:14Well, come on.
00:19:15Hey, what'd I say?
00:19:16Little man.
00:19:19Hey!
00:19:20Don't tell me you're deaf now, too.
00:19:22Help!
00:19:40It's rib time, everybody!
00:19:42Oh, okay!
00:19:44Oh!
00:19:45Oh, my God!
00:19:47Oh!
00:19:48Oh!
00:19:49Enjoy them!
00:19:50This is the last of Sparta's barbecue sauce.
00:19:51What do you mean?
00:19:52I mean, the recipe was in his head, and he's taking that to the grave now, isn't he?
00:19:55Well, now, that's a genuine tragedy.
00:19:56Well, yes, it is.
00:19:57Mama, sit down here and enjoy your supper.
00:19:58Little Sparta, you have some of those ribs.
00:19:59Dear Lord, we thank thee for the joy that you have brought us, and for the warmth and love
00:20:20of this family reunion on this most sorrowful occasion of our loved one's death.
00:20:26We pray that Grandfather Sparta has reached his reward in heaven, and that he may dwell
00:20:33there with you in peace forever.
00:20:35Amen.
00:20:36Amen.
00:20:37Amen.
00:20:38We pray that here on earth you will protect us from the cloud of evil that has descended
00:20:43upon this planet, raining its drops of wickedness to harvest Lucifer's crop, feeding
00:20:50the incubus of pestilence that will devour the earth.
00:20:53Amen.
00:20:55Amen.
00:20:56Amen.
00:20:57Amen.
00:20:58Amen.
00:20:59Amen.
00:21:00Well, let's eat these ribs before Satan comes in here and woosh them down itself.
00:21:03Yeah.
00:21:04Well, you can deny it and pretend that it doesn't exist, but the whole world, the entire universe,
00:21:08is descending into chaos.
00:21:09Oh, Charlotte, I think that's a little too bleak.
00:21:12Well, the order's all gone.
00:21:14I mean, what with, you know, the communists taking over the Orientals and all the students
00:21:19that are protesting and all the Malcolm X's.
00:21:25I'm sorry, Walter.
00:21:27It's not that I don't think that Negro rights should be protected and all, it's just that
00:21:32all the marching and the singing, it's just destroying the country for the rest of us,
00:21:35and I just think that it's selfish.
00:21:37Um, the way that young people are behaving.
00:21:41And, you know, they could just be animals in a zoo.
00:21:45Well, you know, I do have to agree with you, Charlotte, because I feel that good morals
00:21:49are out of fashion these days, and that that's probably why we have this VD going around,
00:21:54because it's God's way of punishing certain people.
00:21:57Then lesbians must be God's chosen, Mary Joan.
00:22:00They hardly ever seem to get anything.
00:22:07What did she say?
00:22:08Lesbians.
00:22:11This pistol here, this belonged to your great, great, great granddaddy Lucas.
00:22:18This is the very gun he used to repel the Yankee invasion of Texas.
00:22:22This is Jefferson Witt's Winchester.
00:22:27The very gun he used with Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders.
00:22:32Once he was captured and tortured mercilessly by the enemy.
00:22:37But old Jefferson didn't tell him a single secret.
00:22:40Took on the scars on his face to prove it.
00:22:45And this is a little souvenir that Grandpa Sparta brought back from WW2.
00:22:54He was supposed to lead a camel supply train in North Africa.
00:22:58But instead he got rerouted to France.
00:23:02Come on, you rock!
00:23:04We ain't retreating another foot!
00:23:07Is that right, Caesar?
00:23:09This is the gun that all wit men learn to shoot with.
00:23:15Granddaddy learned on it.
00:23:17I learned on it.
00:23:18And you'll learn on it too.
00:23:28Go ahead, boy.
00:23:30Go ahead.
00:23:31You can touch it.
00:23:32You.
00:23:33All right.
00:23:38I've got your picture, that you gave to me, and it's sound with love, just like it
00:23:51used to be.
00:23:53That you gave to me
00:23:56And it signed with love
00:23:59Just like it used to be
00:24:03The only thing different
00:24:06The only thing new
00:24:10I've got your picture
00:24:14She's got you
00:24:17I've got the records
00:24:21That we used to share
00:24:25And they still sound the same
00:24:28As when you were here
00:24:31The only thing different
00:24:35The only thing new
00:24:39I've got the records
00:24:43She's got you
00:24:46I've got your memory
00:24:49Or has it got me
00:24:53I really don't know
00:24:55But I know
00:24:57It won't let me be
00:25:01I've got your memory
00:25:03Would you like some pie?
00:25:05Thank you
00:25:07Walter
00:25:11There's been something I've been meaning to discuss with you
00:25:13Yes?
00:25:14You're a Baptist
00:25:15Oh yes ma'am
00:25:16Born and raised
00:25:17And you must believe in sin
00:25:19I believe that there are certain things that people should and shouldn't do
00:25:22And you've got to believe that God punishes us for our sins
00:25:26Mm-hmm
00:25:28Let me ask you this then
00:25:30Being a college educated negro
00:25:33You can tell me honestly just forget that I'm a white woman and all but
00:25:38Do you think that slavery was God's way of punishing black people for something?
00:25:43Let me be
00:25:45Walter
00:25:47I've got your memory
00:25:49Walter
00:25:50Yes?
00:25:51You do, man
00:25:53I'm sorry, I do what?
00:25:54I think that slavery was punishment for negro sin
00:25:59For what sin?
00:26:01Negro sin
00:26:03Negro sin, ma'am?
00:26:05You know?
00:26:07All that jungle lust and everything
00:26:10She's got you
00:26:14I've got your memory
00:26:18Or has it got me
00:26:22I really don't know
00:26:24But I know
00:26:26It won't last
00:26:28Pie's ready
00:26:32All those Malcolm X's are making it hard to ignore you sinful negras
00:26:45I mean all that marching and singing
00:26:47I mean they might as well all be animals in a zoo
00:26:51And everybody knows that you're all born with syphilis
00:26:54They hump like bunnies with all that jungle lust and all
00:26:57I mean that's why God made your slaves Walter
00:27:02Now you just forget that I'm a white woman and all
00:27:06I'm just sexed and narrow-minded as hell
00:27:10And I'll just forget that you gave up your arm in that wall
00:27:12So I can stay in my goddamn false eyelashes and lipstick and hair spray
00:27:18And while I'm at it
00:27:21I'll just forget that you're gonna be a nigger doctor
00:27:32Best damn doctor in the county, Miss Charlotte
00:28:02To be continued
00:28:32you scared me i was just about to go looking for you come on in sugar king
00:28:50your daddy's side of the family's a whole lot more colorful than your mama's side
00:28:58you haven't been told too much about that have you well you should cause you really are a wit
00:29:05you got all the features of the wit man
00:29:11well ah this is your great granddaddy achilles wit
00:29:20old achilles was speaker of the house in austin and everybody knew he'd go on to be governor one day
00:29:26everything was going his way until his campaign came
00:29:30ladies and gentlemen i will use this key to the city to unlock the awesome god blessed future texas
00:29:44well you look like a good young texas democrat
00:29:56that's your doggie nope
00:29:59nobody knew it at the time but that evil dog had rabies
00:30:07the election results came in and your great-grandfather won
00:30:12and they came to him on his deathbed to swear him
00:30:17that's your granddaddy and his brother franklin now frank is your second cousin clinton's daddy
00:30:28he and your grandfather raised camels together
00:30:31oh that's otis walter's daddy he used to do some work for your grandfather
00:30:40until he had an accident
00:30:48went long after that before your granddaddy and uncle frank split the land
00:30:55uncle frank took all that old useless pasture land out back
00:30:59and wouldn't you know it a week later he struck oil
00:31:02to this day nobody knows if frank cheated sparta out of that oil
00:31:07sparta never talked about it because frank is family
00:31:11you're really good with it
00:31:29hope you don't mind but i've been admiring how well you've mastered your new hand
00:31:35well thank you miranda it's like anything i guess practice and patience
00:31:41you're more comfortable with that than some folks are their real hand
00:31:46how come you got a white man's if you don't mind me asking
00:31:51is that what color that is
00:31:54this is this is all i've had left
00:31:59oh i almost forgot
00:32:02oh thank you
00:32:05did you kill anyone in vietnam
00:32:26yes ma'am
00:32:30what do you feel like
00:32:34well um
00:32:39it bothered me at first it bothered me a lot
00:32:42then i guess i kind of got used to it
00:32:45and how'd you do that
00:32:47well you're kind of trapped in the situation
00:32:52you know you can't walled in
00:32:54yeah walled in you're walled in all right
00:32:56it takes a while to figure out
00:33:00the walls ain't gonna move
00:33:01well sooner or later you find a way to get on with it
00:33:05you ain't much of small talk are you
00:33:11i save my small talk for small people
00:33:15do you ever feel like it's still there
00:33:33you know when you're lying in your bed or
00:33:37when you just forget yourself
00:33:40sometimes a feeling comes back
00:33:42that's what i thought
00:33:45i think
00:33:47when you lose a part of yourself like that
00:33:50something still stays with you forever
00:33:53yeah i guess you're right
00:33:57you know what you should do
00:34:11what
00:34:13you should take me out to the prairie and make love to me
00:34:20ha
00:34:24your turn
00:34:28want to switch rifles again
00:34:42no i don't
00:34:42thank you
00:34:49i see you over there boy
00:34:54it's time you learned how to fire a rifle
00:34:56come here sparta
00:34:58come on let's give it a try
00:35:01let's go
00:35:04all right this will be fun
00:35:06come on
00:35:07get up here
00:35:08all right first off
00:35:10get a good stance like that
00:35:11all right
00:35:12now
00:35:13whenever anybody
00:35:14hands you a gun
00:35:15you always assume that it's loaded
00:35:17you don't put your finger on the trigger
00:35:19until you're ready to fire
00:35:20okay
00:35:21now don't hold it too tight
00:35:22or else you'll shake when you go to fire
00:35:24okay
00:35:24now just relax
00:35:26relax or else you're gonna miss your target
00:35:28okay
00:35:30get something in your sight
00:35:32now open your eyes up
00:35:36you gotta see your target
00:35:38you gotta see your target
00:35:38or if that was a deer
00:35:39or if it's a bird or something that's moving
00:35:42all right
00:35:43hold your breath
00:35:46okay i'm gonna cock the gun for you
00:35:51squeeze the trigger
00:35:56fire
00:36:00fire
00:36:03fire
00:36:03god damn it fire
00:36:06i just don't know where i went wrong with that boy
00:36:18well
00:36:21you know he needs a hug from his mother just to get the courage to breathe
00:36:24sometimes it seems like he's afraid of just about everything
00:36:28all i wanted out of this life was a son i could take hunting and fishing
00:36:34you know what happened the last time we went fishing
00:36:36i went to bait with a live night crawler
00:36:39and he ups and starts screaming and crying
00:36:42and he begs me not to put it on the hook
00:36:44it's there corkscrewing in my hand
00:36:46and he's over there crying over it
00:36:49crying over a worm
00:36:50i've lost a lot of sleep over it
00:36:55and i still
00:36:56can't figure out how he got so god dang sensitive
00:36:59and i tell mary joan not to put up with it
00:37:02but she's been to that woman's college
00:37:03she read all them child psychology books
00:37:05so she thinks she knows everything about everything
00:37:07it ain't even like having a son
00:37:12honey you're wrong there zack
00:37:15you're wrong
00:37:16he's a fine boy
00:37:18you ought to be proud of him
00:37:20hell he'll straighten up
00:37:22he'll turn out just fine
00:37:25besides there's more to life than
00:37:29baiting a hook or shooting a dang gun
00:37:32no but it's a symptom
00:37:33it's a symptom
00:37:34you know how sharp life's teeth are
00:37:37i just don't want to see my boy eating up
00:37:41that's all
00:37:42hey partner
00:37:48hop in
00:37:51that gun scares you don't it
00:38:04but the gun can't shoot itself
00:38:07somebody's got to pull the trigger don't they
00:38:10then it ain't the gun that's got you scared is it
00:38:14so what all you think you might do about it
00:38:18let's see
00:38:31my state
00:38:33all structures furniture and articles therein go to my wife murtys
00:38:39sorry
00:38:41to my son
00:38:42zachary wheat
00:38:44i bequeath
00:38:45the amount
00:38:46of fifteen thousand dollars
00:38:48which i assume
00:38:50he will use to purchase a cadillac automobile
00:38:52may he finally shut the hell up about it
00:38:56and get on with living
00:38:57to my daughter
00:39:00miranda
00:39:01whose delicate nature
00:39:04has required institutionalization
00:39:07i have set up a trust of fifteen thousand dollars
00:39:10for the day when her physicians
00:39:12deem her ready to re-enter society
00:39:14god willing
00:39:16to sparta
00:39:18my grandson
00:39:19and namesake
00:39:20i bequeath my gun collection
00:39:22may he proudly display it
00:39:24and forever cherish the values
00:39:26and the peoples it helped to defend
00:39:28and finally
00:39:30to my nephew clinton
00:39:32who was born and bred
00:39:34in the luxury of my brother's oil dynasty
00:39:36i do not try to leave
00:39:38any monetary inheritance
00:39:39which would truly seem as infinitesimal
00:39:42as drops of the ocean
00:39:43instead i bequeath to him
00:39:46my secret barbecue
00:39:48and beef jerky recipes
00:39:50may he savor the taste
00:39:53and remember his summers
00:39:54visiting us on the farm
00:39:56regarding robert e lee
00:40:00the last of the desert warrior steeds
00:40:03upon his death
00:40:04rather than having his head mounted
00:40:07in the barn with his ancestors
00:40:09i request that he be buried
00:40:11in the plot south of my grave
00:40:13the north being reserved for murtys
00:40:16there's a codicil to the will
00:40:22to walter foley
00:40:25the son of otis foley
00:40:28i bequeath the enclosed letters
00:40:31entrusted to my attorney
00:40:33gita patroth
00:40:35there you go walter
00:40:37thank you
00:40:38it's a letter from the dean of my medical school at mcgrange
00:40:47it's a
00:40:50well it's a full scholarship
00:40:53there's a check here too
00:40:55precisely
00:40:57i leave walter foley the sum of ten thousand dollars
00:41:01such capital to be used
00:41:04in the establishing
00:41:05of his first practice
00:41:06why
00:41:07why is he giving all this to me
00:41:09does old sparta say
00:41:10why he gives the boy the money
00:41:12it is with unspeakable remorse
00:41:17that i confess to the shooting of his father otis foley
00:41:23many years ago
00:41:25the murder of otis foley
00:41:36has haunted me for years
00:41:39although i realize nothing
00:41:42could ever make up
00:41:44for the loss of his father
00:41:45i hope my contribution
00:41:48to walter's life-saving profession
00:41:50will help temper
00:41:53the pain
00:41:54and the bitterness
00:41:55did you say
00:41:58did you say why
00:41:59i don't believe it
00:42:01mama how could daddy be a murderer
00:42:03if y'all excuse me now
00:42:06i think i'll be gone
00:42:07walter
00:42:08little sparta
00:42:09i just don't know what to say
00:42:11not to do isaac
00:42:14murse
00:42:16walter
00:42:17thank you for supper
00:42:19whoa wait a second
00:42:33hang on a second
00:42:34hey hey hey
00:42:36i killed him
00:42:40because i thought he was trying to steal your grandma away from me
00:42:42i was caught up in doing
00:42:47i'm controlled about jealous rage
00:42:50jealousy ain't green boy
00:42:52it's red
00:42:53like a red hot poker
00:42:56you'll understand someday
00:42:58when you take a while
00:42:59i can suck it all day long
00:43:06you can suck it as long as you want to
00:43:10miss wick
00:43:10where are you
00:43:17god no
00:43:18everybody knew i did it
00:43:20but nobody ever come after me
00:43:22because otis was black
00:43:23i think they were all relieved i didn't shoot your grandma too
00:43:25i never let any of it bother me much
00:43:28until a while ago when i got this dream
00:43:31and by and by a glimpse of redemption
00:44:01came into my soul
00:44:03i realized it was never anything i could do to bring otis back but i could sure help his son walter
00:44:07yes sir
00:44:08that i surely could do
00:44:09you see you don't untangle all of these long dark loose threads of life that all come together and
00:44:16form loose around your soul at the end
00:44:20go back to the house
00:44:22go back to the house
00:44:42go back to the house
00:44:49go back to the house
00:45:03randa
00:45:04randa what do you want from me
00:45:10is it gonna get better
00:45:12walk me to my car as i can
00:45:39Walk me to my car, Zach.
00:45:42Mom.
00:45:45Animal's got a wumble.
00:45:47Robert E. is just ready to...
00:45:50He's ready to pass on.
00:45:55Oh, come on now, honey. It's all right, really.
00:45:58Daddy's home. Take care.
00:46:04Honey?
00:46:06What?
00:46:09Oh, Lord.
00:46:19Come on, son.
00:46:21You got to go with your mother.
00:46:22Now, go home.
00:46:24Robert E. is in pain, son.
00:46:25He's in pain, and we gotta let him go.
00:46:29Sparta.
00:46:30We've gotta release him and let him go to heaven.
00:46:32Look at him, Sparta. Look at him.
00:46:36Sparta, I gotta do it.
00:46:37You can do what you gotta do later.
00:46:39But I gotta put him...
00:46:41Later.
00:46:47All right, it's not going to stay.
00:46:50There's no point in you gals staying up.
00:46:53Clinton and I gotta build a coffin for him.
00:46:56All right.
00:46:57Come on, let's leave him alone.
00:47:00Good night, little man.
00:47:01Funny how things happen in threes.
00:47:08What?
00:47:09Things in life, good and bad, just seem to come in threes.
00:47:13First off, Sparta dies, then we find out he's a murderer.
00:47:16And now Robert E.
00:47:17You know, three's a biblical number.
00:47:19Father, son, holy ghost.
00:47:20Gosh, I never much noticed.
00:47:22Mary Joan, do you think that when bad things happen to us,
00:47:29it's because God is punishing us for all the time?
00:47:34Well, yes, I think there's a scale of justice in the universe.
00:47:37It's just an old plate.
00:47:53Honey, give me a plate.
00:47:55Honey, I'm going to take this.
00:47:58Honey, what is it?
00:47:59Can I help you?
00:48:00Oh, what is it?
00:48:04Oh, God, you can help me.
00:48:06And if you won't, Mary Joan, it just won't.
00:48:10Oh, Sean, what is it?
00:48:14Mary Joan, if I tell you, you gotta promise not to death.
00:48:17You gotta promise.
00:48:18Honey, you know I wouldn't tell if you didn't want me to.
00:48:24I'm barren.
00:48:26Oh, Sean.
00:48:27I'm not going to have a baby.
00:48:28Are you sure?
00:48:29We've been trying for years, but nothing.
00:48:32What do the doctors say?
00:48:33They don't know anything.
00:48:36It could be Clinton.
00:48:37No.
00:48:39It's me.
00:48:41No.
00:48:42No, it's me.
00:48:46No, it's me.
00:48:50Come here.
00:48:55Shh, honey.
00:48:56I mean, all I had to do was give Clinton a boy,
00:48:58I'd just give him an heir to the company.
00:49:01Shh.
00:49:02Now he's so disgusted, he hadn't touched me in months.
00:49:05Oh, Charlotte, shh.
00:49:07It's because Clinton's daddy cheated old Sparta out of all that oil.
00:49:10Charlotte, no.
00:49:11It is.
00:49:14I had a dream.
00:49:17A divine vision.
00:49:18And in this dream, I'm riding a camel through the planets and the stars, and I'm clutching my boy, and my beautiful baby boy, the boy I'm never going to have.
00:49:31And I look through the eyes of this needle, and I see all those oil rigs that made us so rich, and I realize I can't ride my baby into the world because Christ himself said you can't ride a camel through the eye of a needle.
00:49:48And that's when I figured it out, but he's punishing me, and I keep praying, but he doesn't seem to hear.
00:50:07Oh, honey, you just keep on praying.
00:50:08Oh, honey, you just keep on praying.
00:50:38But she's a little tent.
00:50:40Certainly there's a whole bottle in the medicine cabin.
00:50:45Mertis, you feeling okay?
00:50:47Only thing left.
00:50:49What?
00:50:50It was all just a misunderstanding.
00:51:04For years, I had tried to fight the awesome power of the witty.
00:51:08Here.
00:51:19Okay.
00:51:20Here.
00:51:21Here.
00:51:23Here.
00:51:24Here.
00:51:24Here.
00:51:25Alright.
00:51:33Get out of here.
00:51:37Stop it! Get off me!
00:51:47Finish your breakfast. Go on, sweetheart.
00:51:51Sparta stopped sleeping with me out of, well, fear.
00:51:56I had reached a point of absolute desperation when the idea came to me.
00:52:03Ah, Lord Jesus.
00:52:07Take a take and go. Yeah, that a boy.
00:52:10Otis was, well, they were poor.
00:52:13And his wife had just given birth to Walter.
00:52:17Otis, how'd you like to make $20?
00:52:28I could suck it all day long, Otis.
00:52:32You suck as long as you want to, Miss Whit.
00:52:36Hey!
00:52:38Get off!
00:52:40Get off!
00:52:41Get off!
00:52:42Get off!
00:52:43Get off!
00:52:45Get off!
00:52:48Uh!
00:52:50Uh!
00:52:51Mm!
00:52:52Mm!
00:52:54Mm!
00:52:57Mm!
00:53:00Mm!
00:53:02And then, without us, his body stopped.
00:53:32It's still warm out there in that field.
00:53:36Sparred a trunk back on up here, and he took me forcefully.
00:53:41No, no, no, no.
00:53:46And just, oh, he just gave me the best loving I've ever had.
00:53:51You know, to this day, I feel shame when I think about it.
00:54:03And I'm kind of tingling.
00:54:05And you know it's all because of that damned wit ear.
00:54:15You know what I'm talking about.
00:54:17I've seen you look exact that way sometimes.
00:54:19I don't think so.
00:54:20You don't.
00:54:22Well, what do you think it is?
00:54:24Murderous, honey.
00:54:25Honey, I think if I, uh, understood any of that, I believe I'd be a pervert.
00:54:34God, does that relieve stress.
00:54:53You're the first woman I met that smokes doing sex.
00:54:56Why waitin'?
00:54:58You really are crazy.
00:55:00You know that, Miranda Witt?
00:55:01You bet I am.
00:55:02I'm a bona fide schizophrenic.
00:55:05Got all my papers and shots to prove it.
00:55:13What's it like in that institution?
00:55:16Like a man without a dick.
00:55:18Duh.
00:55:18Come on, I don't be funny.
00:55:20I'm serious.
00:55:27Well, it ain't like any place or anything.
00:55:31It's, it's like, you know that feeling you get sometimes when you're sinking to the bottom
00:55:38of the coldest ocean, all alone, suffocating, a million pounds pushing on every square and
00:55:44shoe your body.
00:55:45Well, someone found a way to take that feeling and turn it into a place, and that's what that
00:55:50institution's like.
00:56:00Oh, I don't need that yet.
00:56:02You could, uh, brace this for me, though.
00:56:15Ah, shit!
00:56:29Here, you want me to show you a better way to do that?
00:56:31I know how to do it.
00:56:32I know how to do it.
00:56:33Everyone knows the basic principles of hammering, okay?
00:56:37All you have to do is put the nail in and you just...
00:56:42Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!
00:56:44You'll hit the goddamn nail in a straight line.
00:56:47I'm just no good at it.
00:56:49I guess you never did much of this kind of work growing up, did you?
00:56:53Sure, I did.
00:56:55Hell.
00:56:55I was building things all the time when I was a kid.
00:57:00It's just, of course, now I work business the way it is.
00:57:02Oh, I wasn't insinuating anything about it.
00:57:03It's just that when a guy grows up in a wealthy family, he usually doesn't get to do the kind
00:57:08of things that men usually do.
00:57:11You remember visiting me when we were kids?
00:57:14Yeah, and I remember playing old maid in a parlor a hell of a lot more than I do playing
00:57:17cowboys and Indians in the woods.
00:57:19Now, why don't you just admit it, Zack?
00:57:23You're jealous.
00:57:24And you've always been jealous ever since my daddy struck oil on his land.
00:57:28His land.
00:57:30Well, here we go.
00:57:32Now we see it all clear as day.
00:57:34You still got that stuck in your craw, don't you?
00:57:37My daddy bought that land from old Sparta, fair and square.
00:57:42And he struck oil on it a week later.
00:57:44Did it ever occur to you that maybe your pa was so hell-bent on wasting his life with
00:57:48a stupid dream of a camel dynasty that my daddy was forced to go off on his own?
00:57:55Now, my daddy tried for years to get old Sparta to drill for oil.
00:57:59But Sparta was too damn stubborn.
00:58:02That wasn't the way it got told to me.
00:58:05Besides, that wasn't the point.
00:58:07I was just comparing our upbringings.
00:58:09No, you weren't.
00:58:10No, you weren't.
00:58:11God damn it, you were calling me a sissy.
00:58:13Now, that's what you were doing.
00:58:14The hell I was.
00:58:15The hell you weren't!
00:58:16Maybe I don't know how to ride a horse.
00:58:18Maybe I've never been in a real fight.
00:58:19But that don't make me less of a man than you, Zach Wit.
00:58:22You ain't never been in a real fight?
00:58:26No, by Jesus.
00:58:27But I'll tell you what.
00:58:29I'll tell you what, Zach.
00:58:32I'm sorely tempted right now.
00:58:34Oh, now, easy now, Clinton.
00:58:35Just settle down here.
00:58:36Come on.
00:58:37I'm gonna prove it to you.
00:58:38What?
00:58:39Come on.
00:58:39I'm gonna show you what I got.
00:58:41Come on.
00:58:43Let's play toe-tickler.
00:58:46Toe-tickler?
00:58:48Yeah, that's right.
00:58:48Clinton, we're a grown man here.
00:58:49Now, why don't we both just calm down and finish building this coffin for Robert E?
00:58:53Well, I knew you was too yellow to do it.
00:59:13All right.
00:59:18Let's tickle them dobes.
00:59:19So this is where the wits end up, huh?
00:59:29Not all of them.
00:59:32Should be one more.
00:59:35One more small grave.
00:59:41For my baby.
00:59:44A baby?
00:59:44Well, it wasn't a real baby.
00:59:47It was kind of a baby to be.
00:59:51You see, his father was a Cherokee brave, and Daddy just wouldn't let me marry him.
00:59:56He wouldn't have no half-breed grandchild out-of-way luck, so I went and gave myself an abortion.
01:00:01It's funny.
01:00:06I thought that would make Daddy happy, but after that, he just kind of froze up on me.
01:00:13He planted that tree in the backyard, in the baby's memory.
01:00:22Not long after that, I couldn't tell you how long I found myself in the sanitarium.
01:00:30Just when I think I'm getting better, I go home.
01:00:33I see that tree.
01:00:36Suddenly, I'm sinking to the bottom of the ocean again.
01:00:38Mm-hmm.
01:00:41Sounds to me like that tree got a haint on it.
01:00:46If I were to you, I'd...
01:00:48I'd cut the dang thing down.
01:01:05Listen to this if you want to win.
01:01:08Oh, you're lucky.
01:01:27Just a piece of your toe.
01:01:29No stitches.
01:01:31See if I can't dig up a first aid kit.
01:01:34Talk about a caddy.
01:01:36Here's the keys.
01:01:37All right.
01:01:38I'll be back in no time.
01:02:05You want to explain this, Clint?
01:02:06This is my home.
01:02:14Well, this is where Charlotte and I live.
01:02:18I got nothing.
01:02:21Well, what about them oil rigs out there?
01:02:25You ever see them pumping?
01:02:29Damn things dried up on me.
01:02:31I just can't believe it.
01:02:32I just can't believe this, Clint.
01:02:34I've got a hard time believing it myself.
01:02:39No savings?
01:02:42Stock market.
01:02:44Lost everything trying to win it back.
01:02:48You got enough to live?
01:02:49Yeah, well, not counting what I lost to you shooting.
01:02:54I got, uh, about a week till Tuesday.
01:02:58We were hoping old Sparta would, you know, leave us something as well.
01:03:01But, you know, it just wasn't meant to be, so.
01:03:04At least you don't have any kids to feed.
01:03:07Yeah.
01:03:08I guess we can be thankful for that.
01:03:09I ain't gonna tell anybody about this, Clint.
01:03:20Not even Mary Joan.
01:03:23Well, I appreciate that, Jack.
01:03:28Well, let's wrap that up and finish that coughing, Mr. Toe-ticking and Champine.
01:03:33Thank you, Mr. Toe-ticking and Champine and Champine and Champine and Champine.
01:03:40Thanks, guys.
01:03:45Hm.
01:03:47giant, yeah.
01:03:49Who's there?
01:04:02Thank you, too, Mom.
01:04:03Come on, Gimpy.
01:04:28If we get drunk now, we can still be sober in time to take care of Robert E.
01:04:33If we get drunk, we can still be sober in time to take care of Robert E.
01:05:03Hey, don't you think six in the morning is a little early for pruning?
01:05:09You know, cutting it down is not going to change anything.
01:05:13You mean it won't change anything for you.
01:05:15But for me, it's going to do a world of good.
01:05:20Just out of curiosity, Mary Joan, when are you going to forgive me?
01:05:24I can't forgive you. Only God can do that.
01:05:26I'm not talking about the baby.
01:05:29I want to know when you're going to forgive me for my real sin.
01:05:32You're not making any sense.
01:05:34Now come on in the house and get some sleep.
01:05:36You've always hated me.
01:05:37Long before the abortion.
01:05:39Don't waste our time denying it.
01:05:41All right, you're not my type.
01:05:43And why is it exactly you think that is?
01:05:45That you don't like me?
01:05:47Miranda, I don't know.
01:05:49It's not something concrete that I can put my finger on right now.
01:05:52Because I was so pretty.
01:05:54That's my sin.
01:05:55And that made you jealous.
01:05:56Because all your life you played by the rules.
01:05:59But on a hot summer night, the boys didn't exactly go looking for nice girls.
01:06:04Well, Mary Joan, maybe it seems to you that I have danced with a serpent.
01:06:08That I have offended the moral code and sanctity of this godforsaken stretch of prairie.
01:06:14But I have paid a very high price for whatever I'm supposed to have done to y'all.
01:06:19Maybe that ain't good enough for you.
01:06:21Maybe you want me to take my life.
01:06:24To atone for taking that Indian boy's seed.
01:06:27Well, I'll look you straight in the eye.
01:06:29And I'll tell you I will not spend the rest of my life rotting away in that asylum waiting for your forgiveness.
01:06:36So that tree is coming down.
01:06:39And I'm going to pull out anything bad that's grown in my heart.
01:06:42Until I'm able to come out and start living again.
01:06:47You give me that saw.
01:06:48I don't think so.
01:06:49I said give it to me now.
01:06:50You give...
01:06:51I want to give things up to boys, Mary Joan.
01:06:54Don't you know?
01:06:55You want it.
01:06:56You take it.
01:06:57Okay, honey?
01:06:58It's my new slippers.
01:07:00Now you go ahead and give it to me.
01:07:02Behaving like a child, you're going to get a horse.
01:07:04Yes, I am.
01:07:05Give me this saw.
01:07:09I'm like one of those savages you see in the National Geographic.
01:07:12You want to communicate with me?
01:07:13Then you've got to descend to my primitive, carnal, sinful level.
01:07:18Oh, Lord.
01:07:35No!
01:07:40Miranda!
01:07:41Mary, no!
01:07:42Miranda, what is it?
01:08:10I didn't have any abortions.
01:08:15But I aborted my baby.
01:08:21And here...
01:08:23And here I aborted my baby.
01:08:27I planned on going to the city and having eternally God be mean to it.
01:08:31Miranda, why would you say that you had an abortion when you had a miscarriage?
01:08:57Because I did it.
01:08:59Because I did it.
01:09:01In my heart, I killed my baby.
01:09:06That's why God took it.
01:09:09You can't lie to God.
01:09:11You wouldn't understand Mary Jo and you just wouldn't understand.
01:09:14I tried to hold it.
01:09:19I just kept wondering if God was punishing me.
01:09:24Punishing me for loving that boy.
01:09:26For giving him all the love I had.
01:09:28He's not punishing you, Miranda.
01:09:33And if he is, well, then he's an asshole.
01:09:38Oh, Lord, am I going to go to hell for saying that?
01:09:42Only if God really is an asshole, honey.
01:09:44Come on, 12?
01:09:5412, my butt.
01:09:56Swear to God.
01:09:58My butt.
01:09:59Swear to God.
01:10:02God.
01:10:03Well?
01:10:04I didn't do it until I was 16.
01:10:05I'm sorry for you.
01:10:09Who is?
01:10:10Jenny.
01:10:14The maid?
01:10:15Yes, sir.
01:10:18Yes, sir.
01:10:19And she was sweet as Pete's pie.
01:10:25There I was.
01:10:27I was organizing my shoot tree.
01:10:31Then I felt this big old wet lip around my ear.
01:10:37And boom, bang, I was a man.
01:10:44That must have been great.
01:10:45Hell no, I was scared to death.
01:10:48And then when my man root got swollen...
01:10:51I thought I had tetanus.
01:10:57I didn't know what was going on.
01:10:58She went for the ear, huh?
01:11:00It's the damnedest thing.
01:11:03You know what?
01:11:04I'm going to tell you something now in the strictest of confidences.
01:11:06Oh, of course.
01:11:08Charlotte is the exact same way.
01:11:10She'll go right for my ear.
01:11:11Yeah.
01:11:12It's the goddamnedest thing.
01:11:13I'm not surprised.
01:11:14Mary Joan, too.
01:11:15You know what it is, don't you?
01:11:16I know.
01:11:17Didn't your daddy tell you?
01:11:19Well, I guess he died too soon.
01:11:21Well, I didn't find out about it myself...
01:11:24...until I was about ready to go off to boot camp.
01:11:26You are truly a man now, Zack.
01:11:29So it's time you should know about the awesome power of the male wit's ear.
01:11:34Some call it a blessing.
01:11:35Some call it a curse.
01:11:36But they all agree on one thing.
01:11:39There is something truly mystical about the ears of the wit menfolk...
01:11:42...that turns women into wild, lustful creatures...
01:11:45...with no other thought than the satisfaction of their animal urges.
01:11:51Don't kid.
01:11:52Tell you the truth.
01:11:52I didn't believe it 100% until now.
01:11:55The ear, huh?
01:11:56Yeah.
01:11:57There's no wonder my daddy wore a hat.
01:11:59Oh, damn.
01:12:00Oh, Paul!
01:12:02Charlotte, Paul!
01:12:03What in the hell is that?
01:12:05Don't lean into it!
01:12:06Dad!
01:12:09Woo-hoo!
01:12:11Woo-hoo!
01:12:13Morning!
01:12:15Y'all doing some gardening?
01:12:17Just clearing out a little dead one!
01:12:21A man spends the first half of his life trying to understand women...
01:12:25...and the second half trying to forget what he's learned.
01:12:29Women.
01:12:35Oh, he's in pain, son.
01:12:40He's in pain, and he wants to die.
01:12:43You'd like to help him, wouldn't you?
01:12:46Well, there's only one way you can.
01:12:49You know what that is, don't you?
01:12:51Look at Robert E.
01:12:53The answer is in his eyes.
01:12:55Yeah.
01:12:55Yeah.
01:13:05The chain.
01:13:14Okay.
01:13:15Okay.
01:13:17Okay.
01:13:17Okay.
01:13:17Okay.
01:13:18Go, Dad.
01:13:19Okay.
01:13:19Okay.
01:13:24Okay.
01:13:34Okay.
01:13:35Oh, my God.
01:14:05Oh, honey, get a little sleep before the funeral.
01:14:22What is it?
01:14:25Zach.
01:14:27Seems like we tell a lot of white lies in this family.
01:14:29The only thing a white lie can turn mighty black if it sets in someone's head long enough.
01:14:36Honey, what brought all this up?
01:14:40Mary Joan, you think I'm fit to run this family?
01:14:45This is all on me now that Daddy's gone.
01:14:47I want to know what you think.
01:14:48I think this family is lucky to have a man of your character looking over us.
01:14:58Now, why would you ask me a thing like that?
01:14:59Sometimes I get the feeling you don't think too much of me.
01:15:12Don't get me wrong.
01:15:15I think that you love me and all.
01:15:17It's just that sometimes I think you figured you married beneath yourself.
01:15:22And you did.
01:15:23Look at you.
01:15:28You're so pretty.
01:15:30You got a college education.
01:15:34You could have done better, and that's the truth.
01:15:37Honey, I married you because I saw a genuine hero and I still see one.
01:15:41Now, how long have you been thinking about all this nonsense?
01:15:44Mostly since Daddy's gone.
01:15:53Zach, did I do something that made you feel this way?
01:16:01We stay in Texas.
01:16:05We're always going to drive an old car,
01:16:07and you'll be buying your dresses in the basement of some thrift store,
01:16:10and even if little Sparta does start talking again,
01:16:14I ain't going to be able to send him to college.
01:16:15Honey, what are you talking about?
01:16:26We'll take that job up north.
01:16:29We're going to move to New York.
01:16:35Well, honey, you know whatever decisions you have to make,
01:16:37I'm going to stand behind you, 100%.
01:16:39Really?
01:16:40Really, honey?
01:16:42Hmm.
01:16:47Hmm.
01:16:52Little Sparta, would you be quiet for a while?
01:16:55Little Sparta,
01:16:56this here is your great, great, great Granddaddy Lucas.
01:16:59When I saw Hannibal standing there,
01:17:02Oh, it was the speaker of the house in Austin.
01:17:04Everybody.
01:17:05That gun scares you, don't it?
01:17:07Look at Robert E.
01:17:12The answer is in his eyes.
01:17:19Hey, wake up, boy.
01:17:21Welcome to the House.
01:17:22Be quiet.
01:17:26Come on.
01:17:28Walk in, come on.
01:17:29Welcome.
01:17:30The oldest one after this year is called T ing stop.
01:17:30Tell man who's excited about this,
01:17:31and he is waiting for you to talk to him.
01:17:34Ah, beep!
01:17:35You know what?
01:17:35The number one after this year is called Yeah,
01:17:35a perfect đ預算 of Easter please.
01:17:36But you're down with her.
01:17:37Welcome.
01:17:38It's true.
01:17:39Good to meet you here.
01:17:39I'd be comfortable with her.
01:17:40I'll move you here to the house.
01:17:42A perfect woman after this season.
01:17:43Mr.
01:17:45Byeaye,
01:17:46well tidy it.
01:17:46It's real sad, I know.
01:17:53But I'm so proud of you for doing the right thing about Robert E.
01:17:58Climb up, partner. Let's go for a ride.
01:18:00Oh, look at that, boy.
01:18:05This is Texas.
01:18:07This is your real inheritance.
01:18:11You know why Texas is so damn hot?
01:18:14Because so many wit men came here and raised so much hell.
01:18:18Maybe that's where we made a little mistake, you see.
01:18:20Instead of raising so much hell all the time,
01:18:22we should have reached up and tried to pull down a little bit of heaven every now and then.
01:18:25You understand?
01:18:27No.
01:18:29Well, let me put it this way.
01:18:31Life is an ornery camel, little Sparta.
01:18:34And it'll drag your sorry ass through the most godforsaken deserts on Earth.
01:18:38The trick is to hold on tight.
01:18:39And if you do that, that nasty critter might just give you the ride of your life.
01:18:46Well, this part of our journey is coming to an end together.
01:18:50It's just one last thing.
01:18:52Listen up now.
01:18:53I want my ear back.
01:18:54No, wait a minute.
01:18:55Don't get scared.
01:18:56It's my ear, damn it, and I want it back.
01:18:58Is that a deal?
01:18:59Come on, partner.
01:19:01That's my boy.
01:19:03Well, I'm about out of surprises, little Sparta.
01:19:10Just remember, you've got a burning drop of every wit that's ever lived flowing in your veins.
01:19:15And you've got fire in your heart.
01:19:17Use that fire to forge one hell of a wonderful life for yourself.
01:19:22And every now and then, you just remember your grandpa with a little prayer.
01:19:26And I'll be right there with you.
01:19:27How'd that be?
01:19:30Let me give you a kiss goodbye.
01:19:31Let's go, mama.
01:19:59Daddy's about to arrive any second.
01:20:01I'll give up the ghost on you two.
01:20:03Well, we overslept.
01:20:06I'll be darned.
01:20:31I'll be darned.
01:20:36Oh, my God.
01:21:06Oh, my God.
01:21:36Was that your granddaddy's ear?
01:21:41Well, it's back where it belongs.
01:21:45Thank God.
01:21:47Dang thing about drove me crazy.
01:21:49I appreciate you taking Miranda back.
01:21:58No pleasure.
01:22:00Now, where in hell is she?
01:22:01Take good care of yourself, Miranda.
01:22:13Yeah?
01:22:13Look me up on your surface.
01:22:15I certainly will.
01:22:36Best of luck to y'all.
01:22:37Hey, Clinton, you take good care of that cat again, yeah?
01:22:41Okay, I will, Walter.
01:22:45What's that?
01:22:46Be good, Walter.
01:22:47Will do.
01:22:48Will do.
01:22:50Bye.
01:22:51Bye, y'all.
01:22:52Bye, bye.
01:22:55I knew he was a pistol, ain't he?
01:22:58That nigger is going to be a doctor.
01:23:01Someday he may save your life.
01:23:03You know the world's a change, ain't he?
01:23:07Come on, Clinton.
01:23:07I got something for you here.
01:23:08Now, you know I love you, and you know I'm going to be thinking about you every day.
01:23:14When you push, push, push, push, push.
01:23:16Now, you tell your mom and daddy to come visit me here for Christmas,
01:23:21because if I have to go up to New York, I'm just likely to freeze to death.
01:23:29Don't you think it's time you started talking again?
01:23:34See you around.
01:23:38You don't have this kind of money, Zach.
01:23:41Well, thanks to the inheritance, I do.
01:23:45Well, I'm truly touched about it.
01:23:47Clinton, oil wells may dry up, but blood is forever.
01:23:52Now, don't argue.
01:23:55Well, you just can't give this kind of money away.
01:23:58Well, I didn't exactly say I was giving it to you.
01:24:02There's, uh...
01:24:03There's something I'd like to buy from you.
01:24:07Bye, Merlin.
01:24:10Bye, Mama.
01:24:11I love you.
01:24:24Sugarbush, I got some good news and some bad news.
01:24:28Bad news is you're going to have to wait a while for that Cadillac.
01:24:31Honey, you know I don't care about any old Cadillac.
01:24:33Hey, hey, hey, hey.
01:24:36You get your lips off my ear right now.
01:24:39What got into you, woman?
01:24:41You know you're just so cute, I can't help it.
01:24:43Well, I heard that before.
01:24:44Oh, you did?
01:24:45What's the good news, honey?
01:24:46The good news is we want to have that famous whipped barbecue.
01:24:49Hell, we can have it any night we want the dang thing,
01:24:51because I made him deal with Clinton.
01:24:52Hell, is hell a word you want him repeating?
01:24:54He don't repeat anything.
01:24:55He's a little mew boy, right, Spar?
01:24:57The hell I am.
01:24:58Hey, you're talking again.
01:25:00Well, I'm glad to see that's over and done with.
01:25:03But don't you ever let me hear you curse again, or else I'll...
01:25:06I'll stop if you'll stop, Daddy.
01:25:07What?
01:25:15All right.
01:25:17Let's shake on the deal.
01:25:19Okay.
01:25:20Okay.
01:25:20No, Spar.
01:25:23No, Spar.
01:25:26Boy, you've got a stubborn as hell.
01:25:28You think it's mother's side of the family for that.
01:25:30Silver D. Cat, you're still tight.
01:25:32Watch your hands on the wheels.
01:25:34I got my hands on the wheels.
01:25:36That's right, I got my hands on the wheels.
01:25:51Thank you, Robert D.
01:25:52I sure didn't want to make this trip alone.
01:25:54Goodbye.
01:25:55Bye-bye.
01:25:56Bye-bye.
01:26:00Bye-bye.
01:26:02Bye-bye.
01:26:19Bye-bye.
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