A Texas Funeral Full English Comedy drama Hollywood Blockbuster movie #ATexasFuneral #Comedy #Drama #FamilyDrama #DarkComedy #EccentricFamily #Funeral #Texas #2025Movie #Humor #Heartfelt #Quirky #MustWatch #EnsembleCast #Offbeat
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00It could be psychologically damaging at his age.
00:00:03I won't.
00:00:04Zach?
00:00:04I won't.
00:00:06Come here, boy.
00:00:08Say goodbye to your granddaddy.
00:00:21See?
00:00:22That's enough.
00:00:24See?
00:00:25There's nothing to be afraid of.
00:00:28Your granddad ain't even there.
00:00:30That's just his shell.
00:00:36Little Sparkle.
00:00:37Now, your granddaddy, he isn't really gone, honey.
00:00:42He's with us.
00:00:43He's with us everywhere.
00:00:45Only he doesn't have that big old heavy body to carry around anymore.
00:00:48He's light now.
00:00:50You see, that's what happens when people die.
00:00:53They become light enough to go to heaven.
00:00:54Now, that's nothing to be afraid of, is it?
00:00:58Now, go on.
00:00:58Go see your Aunt Charlotte.
00:00:59I know she's living for you.
00:01:00Go.
00:01:01Go.
00:01:01Go.
00:01:05Yeah, I'd like to have Cadillac like yours.
00:01:15You got that big V8 in there?
00:01:16We're going to get into a lot of traveling places.
00:01:19We're going to get into a lot of traveling places.
00:01:20We're going to get into a lot of the block of art.
00:01:22Sparta, forgive your murders.
00:01:28Oh, your sweet ear.
00:01:31Sparta, your sweet, sweet ear.
00:01:37Will you forgive your sugar bush?
00:01:40I'll give this back to you in heaven, sugar girl.
00:01:53You're fine.
00:01:55I'm still belted radios.
00:01:56Oh, yeah.
00:01:57Sorry, I'm harris.
00:01:59Solid steel.
00:02:00I guess you get that.
00:02:02You're right there.
00:02:03Yes, she has some.
00:02:04Lost seats?
00:02:04Oh, no.
00:02:05Of course, I'd never get a Cadillac.
00:02:07Dad.
00:02:08Those leather seats?
00:02:09Oh, yeah.
00:02:09A Cadillac without leather seats would be like a girl without a bow.
00:02:12Dad!
00:02:12It'd be like tits without a hem and a...
00:02:14Dad!
00:02:15Dad!
00:02:15Little Sparta, don't you be quiet for a while, funerals are a solemn occasion and you've got to shut up sometimes.
00:02:28I want the casket sealed immediately.
00:02:45When I take that job in New York, I'll be able to buy you that caddy you've always wanted.
00:02:54Ah, sugar, I wish you wouldn't do that.
00:02:59How about that little Sparta? How'd you like to have a big old Cadillac in the family?
00:03:05What's the matter with him? What he said?
00:03:07No, you told him to shut up at the funeral parlor so he's not talking.
00:03:12He's angry with his father. It's called passive aggression.
00:03:15That's what children do nowadays.
00:03:16Oh, they do, do they?
00:03:17They do.
00:03:18Well, that doesn't sound very audacious to me.
00:03:21That's what we're raising nowadays.
00:03:23Little sniveling, spoiled, passive offspring, afraid of their own shadows.
00:03:27If I were to try that hokey-pokey with my daddy, you know what he'd say?
00:03:29Zach, don't say it. Talk.
00:03:31He'd say, you just better sharpen up or else I'm gonna hit you so hard you won't be able to get back up again.
00:03:41Oh, hell, did I just miss to turn off your Mirandas?
00:03:47It's two more, Zach.
00:03:49Hey, little Sparta, you remember your Aunt Miranda, right, Sparta?
00:03:53Ask her about Indians. Aunt Miranda's a big expert on Indians.
00:03:56Yeah, she's a real expert.
00:03:58Your aunt used to get up and dance in them authentic Indian powwows.
00:04:04How about a wink for camera, Miss Cherokee Queen?
00:04:07God, they just loved her to death.
00:04:31Miranda?
00:04:32Yeah?
00:04:34Your family's here, Miranda.
00:04:36Y'all come over here.
00:04:40You look so good.
00:04:41I'd kiss you better see you got your lips all gussied up.
00:04:44Well, that's okay, Zachy.
00:04:57Did you pack yet?
00:04:58Three days ago.
00:05:03What in God's name you got in here, girl?
00:05:05I know it's only gonna be one night.
00:05:07Daddy goes in the ground tomorrow.
00:05:08Mom will tell you how that happened?
00:05:10Heart attack.
00:05:11Then he passed on a week later.
00:05:14Don't go ask her about the chickens.
00:05:15She's been acting a little off kilter, and I think it wouldn't hurt to give her some time to sort things out before we go crime.
00:05:20We gonna see the body first?
00:05:21Well, we thought, taking into consideration the way things were between you and Sparta that, uh, used to soon as well skip that part.
00:05:33Would have been nice to see him at peace for a change.
00:05:35Come on, we gotta go, else barbecue's gonna get cold.
00:05:40Let's go!
00:05:41Come on!
00:05:42Zach, hold those horses.
00:05:43Come on.
00:05:44Ladies?
00:05:45Dad's gonna hurry.
00:05:46Why don't you sit up front with the adults, Mary Joan?
00:05:52Sparta and I are sitting back here.
00:05:58Texans are still in shock over President Johnson's announcement last night that he will not seek another term in the way.
00:06:03You got me, Sparta.
00:06:10I remember when I could always beat you.
00:06:14Now you're practically a man.
00:06:17Zach, if you keep on playing with that radio, you're gonna have to get me a room at that sound right next to Miranda's.
00:06:21I'm just trying to find you a good station, sweetie.
00:06:24Goddamn, I'm impatient.
00:06:25Goddamn?
00:06:26Is that a word you want our little Sparta to be saying?
00:06:28Zach?
00:06:29Our son doesn't talk, remember?
00:06:30Isn't that right, little Sparta?
00:06:32See?
00:06:35We got ourselves a little mute, boy.
00:06:38Is that true?
00:06:39You ain't talking.
00:06:41Not even me.
00:06:45Here we go.
00:06:46Thank the Lord.
00:06:48You're gonna be a real heartbreaker when you grow up, you know that boy?
00:06:53No he's not, Miranda, he's gonna be a gentleman.
00:06:55I'm raising little Sparta to just be a gentleman.
00:06:58Well, gentlemen are the worst heartbreakers in the world because they just love one woman and leave the others to cry themselves away.
00:07:08Honey?
00:07:09You gonna smoke in the car?
00:07:10No.
00:07:11I was gonna ask my brother, the gentleman, if he would stop the car so a lady could have a smoke.
00:07:16I talked a little girl.
00:07:17I'm not too far.
00:07:18But I was like a girl, the woman who was on the floor.
00:07:19And the girl, he was about to ask him to be a boy who has a boy who has a boy who has a poor boy, and, this is a god who is the man of the van.
00:07:29I feel so weak when we've made someone blue, but I've made the greatest mistake.
00:07:48There's Clinton's new Cadillac. Amazing what black gold can buy.
00:07:52Zack, don't start with the white oil saga again.
00:07:54What? God's name is Mama carrying on.
00:07:56Zack, you've got to help Clinton with Robert E. He's going crazy.
00:08:12Honey, be careful now.
00:08:13Alright, come on, boy. Calm down.
00:08:15Robert E. God damn it, Robert E. Come on, boy.
00:08:19Stop! Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what are you doing?
00:08:23Come on.
00:08:25Come on.
00:08:27Come on.
00:08:29Come on.
00:08:30Come on, boy.
00:08:31Come on.
00:08:32Come on.
00:08:34Come on.
00:08:35Come on.
00:08:36Let love, Clinton.
00:08:37You could've been killed, honey.
00:08:38Good Lord, Clinton. You could have been killed, honey.
00:08:55Right before Sparta died, Robert E. started acting kind of funny.
00:09:00There you go.
00:09:03Hank said he'd be by later to look at him.
00:09:06Oh, that's Walter.
00:09:09Walter? I thought he was away at that colored medical school.
00:09:13Seems he didn't have enough money to finish the year, so he's working some.
00:09:17Well, maybe the boy can come visit us, you know, later.
00:09:20After all, with dinner and the reading of the will.
00:09:23But I invited him here because of the will.
00:09:26Mr. Crawford says he's in it.
00:09:28Y'all wipe your feet off.
00:09:30Y'all wipe your feet off.
00:09:31Come on in.
00:09:32Hey, Walter.
00:09:33Hey, Zach.
00:09:34How you doing?
00:09:35I'm all right.
00:09:36I'm really sorry to hear about Mr. Weir.
00:09:37Yeah.
00:09:38I appreciate you being here, though.
00:09:39Yeah.
00:09:40Come on in.
00:09:41When did you get back to school?
00:09:42A couple months ago.
00:09:43Been driving a vehicle on the grinder.
00:09:44Boy, that's gotta be rough with all that heat we got.
00:09:46Walter?
00:09:47How are you?
00:09:48I'm doing very well.
00:09:49Thank you, man.
00:09:50Walter, you have just grown into a man.
00:09:53New York?
00:09:54Oh, you've been talking to Zach.
00:09:57Yeah, but New York of all the places.
00:10:00I love him, but he doesn't have a lick of sense in his head.
00:10:03He's stubborn as all get-go.
00:10:05Even when he was a child, you could take a switch to Zach, and he'd turn right around and just raise cane all over again.
00:10:13Where does he know I just ignore Zach?
00:10:15Oh!
00:10:16Oh!
00:10:17Dad!
00:10:18You okay?
00:10:19Charlotte, I'm all right.
00:10:20Anyway, the only way we're seeing New York is on a tour bus.
00:10:23I've decided that.
00:10:24Good.
00:10:25You know, they say that in New York, you can't go out at night.
00:10:28Hell, Sinegar will jump out of the shadow and shoot you with a big old gun.
00:10:31You know, Charlotte, I don't believe that's true.
00:10:33Well, Clinton told me so.
00:10:35That pecan pie looks lovely.
00:10:39Oh, I didn't know we were supposed to bring dessert.
00:10:41They weren't.
00:10:42I just did it last minute.
00:10:44Well, if I'd have known I would have brought my mousse, it's a three chocolate mousse.
00:10:47Well, honey, you just bring it next time.
00:10:49You don't need any help?
00:10:51Oh, no, we got it covered.
00:10:52Have you had your medication?
00:10:57Twice.
00:10:58So I'd be doubly sane tonight.
00:11:01Honey, please don't.
00:11:03Don't do that in here.
00:11:04It's so nice and it smells like pie.
00:11:11Power windows, leather and coffee.
00:11:13That's all well and good.
00:11:14I mean, that'll please the missus.
00:11:16She weren't born with much worse than her, but she sure has a taste of five things.
00:11:19I call her to do this sometimes.
00:11:21Now you climb on in there and sit in that bucket seat.
00:11:25Huh?
00:11:26Good.
00:11:27That's nice.
00:11:28You like what you see, Walter?
00:11:30I sure do.
00:11:31What's the most expensive vehicle you've ever driven in?
00:11:33M48 tank.
00:11:34Crew-2.
00:11:35South Saigon.
00:11:36You know, you ought to get yourself one of these, Zach.
00:11:40They're not that expensive if you don't get one with all the doodads in them like I have.
00:11:45Well, Mary Jones has been after me since I can't remember to get her one.
00:11:48I promised her if I'd take that job up in New York, I'd see about it.
00:11:51New York?
00:11:52Oh, that seems like the end of the earth.
00:11:54Are you seriously considering that?
00:11:55There's a lot of opportunity there.
00:11:57Well, that could be a good play, though.
00:11:59You go up north and work a couple years and come back home with a better resume.
00:12:02Yeah, something like that.
00:12:04I figured we'd make some money and maybe set a little bit aside.
00:12:09Not like you and Charlotte, of course, but enough that I can invest a bit in the stock market.
00:12:12Stock market?
00:12:13I wouldn't mess with that.
00:12:14It's an awful bad time.
00:12:16You know, a lot of smart fellows have been losing their shirts.
00:12:18If I were you, I'd just, you know, hold on to what you got.
00:12:21Yeah, well, if you don't risk it, you don't drink champagne.
00:12:24And what if your daddy hadn't risked drilling that oil well out there?
00:12:27Let me tell you something.
00:12:28Money is a funny thing, Zach.
00:12:30Now, there's some fellows, they'll spit on a seed, they'll grow a forest.
00:12:33And then you got other fellows, they'll turn the Garden of Eden into a desert.
00:12:40Yeah, I reckon so.
00:13:03Now, you know.
00:13:04Oh!
00:13:05No!
00:13:06No!
00:13:07No!
00:13:19Wait for me, Walter.
00:13:21Oh, no.
00:13:22No!
00:13:24It's on the screen!
00:13:25Son, you know.
00:13:26Shh.
00:13:28Shh, shh, shh.
00:13:33Just hang on now.
00:13:35Hi.
00:13:36You didn't think I'd leave without saying goodbye, did you?
00:13:41You know your old grandpa better than that.
00:13:44You look none the worse since I left.
00:13:47Wish I could say the same for old Robert E.
00:13:50Come on over here, will you?
00:13:52That's my boy.
00:13:54Are you surprised to see me?
00:13:56Well, I'm full of surprises.
00:13:58Let's get started.
00:14:00There's some old fellas upstairs chomping at the bit to meet you.
00:14:04Up we go.
00:14:06Damn it, the hell.
00:14:08What the hell?
00:14:10What the hell?
00:14:12What the hell?
00:14:14What the hell?
00:14:16What the hell?
00:14:18What the hell?
00:14:20Sorry for my language, boy.
00:14:23I just wish your grandmother stopped messing with my ear.
00:14:26Come on.
00:14:27Nice to meet you, Renette.
00:14:28Nice to meet you.
00:14:29Tell him, Daddy.
00:14:31You can't do that down there. Take that back.
00:14:34I sure can.
00:14:35I can't.
00:14:36Why?
00:14:37Tell him, Dad.
00:14:38He taught you.
00:14:39Yeah, I taught him, but I didn't teach him to cheat like that.
00:14:42Yeah, it wasn't like I'm gonna play this double.
00:14:44He tried that.
00:14:45Whoa.
00:14:46He does it to us every time.
00:14:47There he is.
00:14:48There's our boy.
00:14:49That's our boy.
00:14:50Little Sparta.
00:14:52This here's your great, great, great granddaddy Lucas.
00:14:56Shake his hand.
00:14:57Yeah.
00:14:58Enchanté.
00:15:00Boy, he's got a grip.
00:15:03He's got a grip as good as mine, boys.
00:15:06Uh, granddaddy?
00:15:08Uh, granddaddy?
00:15:09Uh-huh.
00:15:10You want to introduce us?
00:15:11Yeah, I guess so.
00:15:12This mama's boy here, all dressed up pretty like he's going to Sunday church, that's your
00:15:17great granddaddy Achilles.
00:15:19Now, he's the politician in the men.
00:15:22And this is your great, great granddaddy Jefferson.
00:15:28Yeah.
00:15:29He's just ugly.
00:15:30Granddaddy Lucas was the first wit in the state of Texas.
00:15:33He was also the first wit to recognize the awesome military potential of the dromedary.
00:15:37I wish you would stop gabbing like a woman.
00:15:40It's my story.
00:15:41Let me tell the boy.
00:15:43Yes, sir.
00:15:44All right.
00:15:46This is Hannibal.
00:15:47He's the first camel in the wit clan.
00:15:50And I got him when I was acting as a spy during the Yankee invasion.
00:15:57Days I'd been wandering the desert without food or water.
00:16:01My horse had up and died of thirst.
00:16:04So I filled my canteen with her blood to keep myself from suffering the same fate.
00:16:10I'd just about given up the ghost when I stumbled upon an honest-to-God miracle.
00:16:22Camels brought from the Holy Land by the Yanks to help move supplies.
00:16:27And when I saw Hannibal standing there, I knew God himself had sent me the answer to my prayers.
00:16:34Oh.
00:16:35Ah!
00:16:36Ah!
00:16:37Ah!
00:16:38Ah!
00:16:39Ah!
00:16:40Ah!
00:16:41Ah!
00:16:42Ah!
00:16:43Ah!
00:16:44Ah!
00:16:45Ah!
00:16:46Ah!
00:16:47Ah!
00:16:48Ah!
00:16:49Ah!
00:16:50Ah!
00:16:51Ah!
00:16:52Ah!
00:16:53Ah!
00:16:54Ah!
00:16:55Ah!
00:16:56Ah!
00:16:57Ah!
00:16:58Ah!
00:16:59Ah!
00:17:00Ah!
00:17:01Ah!
00:17:02You see, the minute I laid eyes on them critters, I knew that the camel was the desert warrior's steed.
00:17:25Yankees.
00:17:27Here we go, boys!
00:17:29Charge!
00:17:31Charge!
00:17:33Charge!
00:17:34Charge!
00:17:36Come on, you!
00:17:37Charge!
00:17:38Get him now!
00:17:39Come on!
00:17:40Thank you, boy!
00:17:41Captain Whit!
00:17:42What?!
00:17:43The enemy is laughing at us, sir.
00:17:46Go back here!
00:17:49I'll kill ya!
00:17:51Charge!
00:17:52Come on!
00:17:54Come here, you sons of bitches!
00:17:56Come back and fight!
00:18:01I lost!
00:18:03I lost!
00:18:07Shit!
00:18:08Shit!
00:18:09Shit!
00:18:14Hannibal!
00:18:16Did you see that?
00:18:17They are laughing at us!
00:18:18Laughing!
00:18:19Don't you spit at me!
00:18:22You spit at me!
00:18:23You spit at me!
00:18:24Captain Whit!
00:18:25What?
00:18:26You shouldn't really blame yourself, sir.
00:18:28Maybe the camel isn't the desert warrior's steed.
00:18:31There is nothing wrong with the desert warrior's steed!
00:18:38We just had a bad day, that's all.
00:18:41The camel cavalry distinguished itself in battle, repelling the northern attack with only one casualty among the men.
00:18:50After the war, I raised a whole mess of camels.
00:18:55But the automobile killed off the camel traffic in Texas.
00:19:00Robert E. is the last.
00:19:03He's the last as a wet desert warrior steed.
00:19:07Little Sparta, you wanna come on in the house now? It's time for supper.
00:19:11You still ain't talking, hon.
00:19:14Well, come on.
00:19:15Hey, what'd I say?
00:19:16Little man.
00:19:19Hey!
00:19:20Don't tell me you're deaf now, too.
00:19:31Help!
00:19:32It's rib time, everybody!
00:19:42Oh!
00:19:43Okay!
00:19:50Pass me another Dr. Pepper there.
00:19:52Hey, Mom, you need to melt with them ribs.
00:19:54Oh, here she comes.
00:19:55Oh!
00:19:57Enjoy them.
00:19:58This is the last of Sparta's barbecue sauce.
00:20:01What do you think about that?
00:20:02What do you mean?
00:20:03I mean, the recipe was in his head, and he's taking that to the grave now, isn't he?
00:20:07Well, now, that's a genuine tragedy.
00:20:09Well, yes, it is.
00:20:10Mama, sit down here and enjoy your supper.
00:20:12Little Sparta, you have some of those ribs.
00:20:14Dear Lord, we thank thee for the joy that you have brought us, and for the warmth and love of this family reunion on this most sorrowful occasion of our loved one's death.
00:20:26We pray that Grandfather Sparta has reached his reward in heaven, and that he may dwell there with you in peace forever.
00:20:35Amen.
00:20:36Amen.
00:20:37Amen.
00:20:38We pray that here on earth you will protect us from the cloud of evil that has descended upon this planet, raining its drops of wickedness to harvest Lucifer's crop, feeding the incubus of pestilence that will devour the earth.
00:20:55Amen.
00:20:56Amen.
00:20:57Amen.
00:20:58Amen.
00:20:59Amen.
00:21:00Whew.
00:21:01Well, let's eat these ribs before Satan comes in here and whoops them down itself.
00:21:03Yeah.
00:21:04Well, you can deny it and pretend that it doesn't exist, but the whole world, the entire universe, is descending into chaos.
00:21:09Oh, Charlotte, I think that's a little too bleak.
00:21:12Well, the order's all gone.
00:21:14I mean, what with, you know, the communists taking over the Orientals and all the students that are protesting and all the Malcolm X's.
00:21:21I'm sorry, Walter.
00:21:26It's not that I don't think that Negro rights should be protected and all.
00:21:31It's just that all the marching and the singing, it's just destroying the country for the rest of us, and I just think that it's selfish.
00:21:38Well, the way that young people are behaving, and you know, they could just be animals in a zoo.
00:21:46Well, you know, I do have to agree with you, Charlotte, because I feel that good morals are out of fashion these days, and that's probably why we have this VD going around, because it's God's way of punishing certain people.
00:21:58Then lesbians must be God's chosen, Mary Joan.
00:22:01They hardly ever seem to get anything.
00:22:03What did she say?
00:22:08Lesbians.
00:22:09This pistol here, this belonged to your great, great, great granddaddy Lucas.
00:22:18This is the very gun he used to repel the Yankee invasion of Texas.
00:22:27This is Jefferson Witts Winchester, the very gun he used with Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders.
00:22:33Once, he was captured and tortured mercilessly by the enemy.
00:22:38But old Jefferson didn't tell him a single secret.
00:22:44He took on the scars on his face to prove it.
00:22:48And this is a little souvenir that Grandpa Sparta brought back from WW2.
00:22:54He was supposed to lead a camel supply train in North Africa.
00:22:59But instead, he got rerouted to France.
00:23:03Come on, you rock!
00:23:06We ain't retreating another foot!
00:23:09Is that right, Caesar?
00:23:11This is the gun that all wit men learn to shoot with.
00:23:15Granddaddy learned on it.
00:23:18I learned on it.
00:23:19And you'll learn on it, too.
00:23:24Go ahead, boy.
00:23:29Go ahead.
00:23:31You can touch it.
00:23:41All right, then.
00:23:49I've got your picture
00:23:52That you gave to me
00:23:55And it's signed with love
00:23:57Just like it used to be
00:24:00The only thing different
00:24:02The only thing new
00:24:05I've got your picture
00:24:08She's got you
00:24:12I've got the record
00:24:13She's got you
00:24:17I've got the records
00:24:20That we used to share
00:24:24And they still sound the same
00:24:28As when you were here
00:24:31The only thing different
00:24:34The only thing new
00:24:38I've got the records
00:24:41She's got you
00:24:45I've got your memory
00:24:48Or has it got me
00:24:52I really don't know
00:24:55But I know
00:24:57It won't let me be
00:25:01Would you like some pie?
00:25:07Father, there's been something I've been meaning to discuss with you.
00:25:14Yes?
00:25:15You're a Baptist, is that right?
00:25:16Yes, ma'am. I'm born and raised.
00:25:17And you must believe in sin.
00:25:19I believe that there are certain things that people should and shouldn't do.
00:25:22And you've got to believe that God punishes us for our sins.
00:25:26Let me ask you this, and being a college-educated Negro, you can tell me honestly, just forget that I'm a white woman and all, but do you think that slavery was God's way of punishing black people for something?
00:25:43Walter?
00:25:45Walter?
00:25:47Walter?
00:25:49Walter?
00:25:50Yes?
00:25:51You do, man.
00:25:53I'm sorry, I do what?
00:25:55I think that slavery was punishment for Negro sin.
00:25:59For what sin?
00:26:01Negro sin.
00:26:03Negro sin, ma'am?
00:26:06You know?
00:26:08All that jungle lust and everything.
00:26:11She's got you.
00:26:15I've got your memory.
00:26:18Or has it got me?
00:26:22I really don't know.
00:26:25But I know it won't last.
00:26:29Pie's ready.
00:26:33All those Malcolm X's are making it hard to ignore you sinful negros.
00:26:45I mean, all that marching and singing.
00:26:47I mean, they might as well all be animals in a zoo.
00:26:51And everybody knows that you're all born with syphilis.
00:26:54They hump like bunnies with all that jungle lust and all.
00:26:57I mean, that's why God made your slaves, Walter.
00:27:01Now, you just forget that I'm a white woman and all.
00:27:06I'm just sexed and narrow-minded as hell.
00:27:10And I'll just forget that you gave up your arm in that wall so I can stay in my goddamn false eyelashes and lipstick and hairspray.
00:27:18And while I'm at it, I'll just forget that you're gonna be a nigger doctor.
00:27:24Best damn doctor in the county, Miss Charlotte.
00:27:43Best damn doctor in the county, Miss Charlotte.
00:27:45Best damn doctor in the county, Miss Charlotte.
00:27:50Best damn doctor.
00:27:51Best damn doctor.
00:27:52Best damn doctor.
00:27:53Best damn doctor.
00:27:54Best damn doctor.
00:27:55Best damn doctor.
00:27:56Best damn doctor.
00:27:57Best damn doctor.
00:27:58Best damn doctor.
00:27:59Best damn doctor.
00:28:00Best damn doctor.
00:28:01Best damn doctor.
00:28:02Best damn doctor.
00:28:03Best damn doctor.
00:28:04Best damn doctor.
00:28:05Best damn doctor.
00:28:06Best damn doctor.
00:28:07Best damn doctor.
00:28:08Best damn doctor.
00:28:09Best damn doctor.
00:28:10Best damn doctor.
00:28:11Best damn doctor.
00:28:12Best damn doctor.
00:28:13Best damn doctor.
00:28:14Best damn doctor.
00:28:15Best damn doctor.
00:28:16Best damn doctor.
00:28:17Best damn doctor.
00:28:18Sparta, you scared me.
00:28:45I was just about to go looking for you.
00:28:48Come on in, sugar king.
00:28:52Your daddy's side of the family is a whole lot more colorful than your mama's side.
00:28:59You haven't been told too much about that, have you?
00:29:02Well, you should, cause you really are a wit.
00:29:06You got all the features of the wit man.
00:29:13Well, ah, this is your great granddaddy Achilles wit.
00:29:20Oh, Achilles was speaker of the house in Austin and everybody knew he'd go on to be governor
00:29:25one day.
00:29:26Everything was going his way until his campaign came to Huntsville.
00:29:31How do you like my horse?
00:29:32It's like I love you now!
00:29:33Ladies and gentlemen, I will use this key to the city to unlock the awesome, God-blessed
00:29:42future Texans!
00:29:43Good to see you.
00:29:44Good to see you.
00:29:45Good to see you.
00:29:46Good to see you.
00:29:47Good to see you.
00:29:48How are you?
00:29:49Make sure that one votes the whip.
00:29:51Well, you look like a good young Texas Democrat.
00:29:56Is that your doggy?
00:29:57Nope.
00:29:58Nobody knew it at the time, but that evil dog had rabies.
00:30:08The election results came along, and your great-grandfather won.
00:30:13And they came to him on his deathbed to swear him in the hours of governor of Texas.
00:30:22That's your granddaddy and his brother, Franklin.
00:30:25Now, Frank is your second cousin, Clinton's daddy.
00:30:28He and your grandfather raised camels together.
00:30:31Oh, that's Otis, Walter's daddy.
00:30:38He used to do some work for your grandfather.
00:30:47Until he had an accident.
00:30:49It wasn't long after that before your granddaddy and Uncle Frank split the land.
00:30:55Uncle Frank took all that old, useless pasture land out back.
00:30:59And wouldn't you know it, a week later, he struck oil.
00:31:02To this day, nobody knows if Frank cheated Sparta out of that oil.
00:31:07Sparta never talked about him, because Frank is family.
00:31:11Family is family, Sparta.
00:31:14You're really good with it.
00:31:28Hope you don't mind, but I've been admiring how well you've mastered your new hand.
00:31:34Well, thank you, Miranda Whitt.
00:31:37It's like anything, I guess.
00:31:39Practice and patience.
00:31:41You're more comfortable with that than some folks are of their real hand.
00:31:46How come you got a white man's, if you don't mind me asking?
00:31:51Is that what color that is?
00:31:54This is all I've had left.
00:31:59Oh, I almost forgot.
00:32:01Oh, thank you.
00:32:24Did you kill anyone in Vietnam?
00:32:29Yes, ma'am.
00:32:32What did it feel like?
00:32:36Well, it bothered me at first. It bothered me a lot.
00:32:42Then I guess I kind of got used to it.
00:32:45And how'd you do that?
00:32:48Well, you're kind of trapped in the situation.
00:32:52You know, you can't...
00:32:53Walled in.
00:32:54Yeah, walled in.
00:32:55You're walled in, all right.
00:32:58Takes a while to figure out.
00:33:00No walls ain't gonna move.
00:33:01Well, sooner or later you find a way to get on with it.
00:33:05You ain't much of small talk, are you?
00:33:11I...
00:33:12I saved my small talk for small people.
00:33:18Do you ever feel like it's still there?
00:33:33You know, when you're lying in your bed or when you just forget yourself?
00:33:40Sometimes a feeling comes back.
00:33:42That's what I thought.
00:33:44I think when you lose a part of yourself like that, something still stays with you forever.
00:33:53Yeah.
00:33:54Yeah, I guess you're right.
00:33:57You know what you should do?
00:34:12What?
00:34:14You should take me out to the prairie and make love to me.
00:34:24Ha!
00:34:27Your turn.
00:34:40Wanna switch rifles again?
00:34:42No, I don't.
00:34:52I see you over there, boy.
00:34:54It's time you learned how to fire a rifle.
00:34:57Come here, Sparta.
00:35:00Come on, let's give it a try.
00:35:03Let's go.
00:35:04All right, this'll be fun.
00:35:06Come on.
00:35:07Get up here.
00:35:08All right, first off, get a good stance like that, all right?
00:35:11Now, whenever anybody hands you a gun, you'll always assume that it's loaded.
00:35:17You don't put your finger on the trigger until you're ready to fire, okay?
00:35:20Now, don't hold it too tight or else she'll shake when you go to fire.
00:35:23Okay.
00:35:24Now, just relax.
00:35:26Relax or else you're gonna miss your target.
00:35:29Okay.
00:35:30Get something in your sight.
00:35:34Now, open your eyes up.
00:35:36You gotta see your target.
00:35:38I wonder if that was a deer or if it's a bird or something that's moving.
00:35:43All right.
00:35:45Now, hold your breath.
00:35:48Okay.
00:35:49I'm gonna cock the gun for you.
00:35:55Squeeze the trigger.
00:35:59Fire.
00:36:03Fire.
00:36:05Goddamn it, fire.
00:36:08I just don't know where I went wrong with that boy.
00:36:20Well, you know, he needs a hug from his mother just to get the courage to breathe.
00:36:25Sometimes it seems like he's afraid of just about everything.
00:36:31All I wanted out of this life was a son I could take hunting and fishing.
00:36:34You know what happened the last time we went fishing?
00:36:37I went to bait with a live night crawler.
00:36:40And he ups and starts screaming and crying.
00:36:42He begs me not to put it on the hook.
00:36:44It's there corkscrewing in my hand.
00:36:47And he's over there crying over it.
00:36:49Crying over a worm.
00:36:50I've lost a lot of sleep over it.
00:36:51And I still can't figure out how he got so god dang sensitive.
00:37:00And I tell Mary Joan not to put up with it.
00:37:02But she's been to that woman's college and she read all them child psychology books so she thinks she knows everything about everything.
00:37:07It ain't even like having a son.
00:37:13Honey, you're wrong there, Zach. You're wrong.
00:37:17He's a fine boy. You ought to be proud of him.
00:37:20Hell, he'll straighten up.
00:37:23He'll turn out just fine.
00:37:27Besides, there's more to life than baiting a hook or shooting a dang gun.
00:37:31No, but it's a symptom. It's a symptom.
00:37:35You know how sharp life's teeth are.
00:37:39I just don't want to see my boy eating up, that's all.
00:37:46Hey, partner.
00:37:50Hop in.
00:38:02That gun scares you, don't it?
00:38:05But the gun can't shoot itself.
00:38:08Somebody's got to pull the trigger, don't they?
00:38:11Then it ain't the gun that's got you scared, is it?
00:38:16So what all you think you might do about it?
00:38:22Shoot!
00:38:24I think you owe me another dollar.
00:38:25Let's see.
00:38:31My estate, all structures, furniture, and articles therein go to my wife, Mertie's.
00:38:40Sorry, Mom.
00:38:42To my son, Zachary Wheat.
00:38:44I bequeath the amount of $15,000,
00:38:49which I assume he will use to purchase a Cadillac automobile.
00:38:52May he finally shut the hell up about it and get on with living.
00:38:59To my daughter, Miranda,
00:39:02whose delicate nature has required institutionalization,
00:39:07I have set up a trust of $15,000
00:39:10for the day when her physicians deem her ready to re-enter society, God willing.
00:39:16To Sparta, my grandson and namesake, I bequeath my gun collection.
00:39:22How about that?
00:39:23May he proudly display it and forever cherish the values and the peoples it helped to defend.
00:39:29And finally, to my nephew, Clinton,
00:39:33who was born and bred in the luxury of my brother's oil dynasty,
00:39:36I do not try to leave any monetary inheritance which would truly seem as infinitesimal as drops of the ocean.
00:39:44Instead, I bequeath to him my secret barbecue and beef jerky recipes.
00:39:51May he savor the taste and remember his summers visiting us on the farm.
00:39:56Regarding Robert E. Lee, the last of the desert warrior's steeds,
00:40:03upon his death, rather than having his head mounted in the barn with his ancestors,
00:40:09I request that he be buried in the plot south of my grave,
00:40:13the north being reserved for Murtis.
00:40:20There's a codicil to the wheel.
00:40:22To Walter Foley, the son of Otis Foley,
00:40:28I bequeath the enclosed letters entrusted to my attorney, G. Dr. Crawford.
00:40:36There you go, Walter.
00:40:43It's a letter from the dean of my medical school at McGrange.
00:40:46It's a...
00:40:50Well, it's a full scholarship.
00:40:53There's a check here, too.
00:40:56Precisely.
00:40:58I leave Walter Foley the sum of $10,000,
00:41:02such capital to be used in the establishing of his first practice.
00:41:07Why? Why is he giving all this to me?
00:41:10Does old Sparta say why he gives the boy the money?
00:41:12It is with unspeakable remorse
00:41:18that I confessed to the shooting of his father, Otis Foley,
00:41:24many years ago.
00:41:25The murder of Otis Foley has haunted me for years,
00:41:40although I realize nothing could ever make up for the loss of his father.
00:41:45I hope my contribution to Walter's life-saving profession
00:41:50will help temper the pain and the bitterness.
00:41:56Did you say... Did you say why?
00:41:59I don't believe it.
00:42:01Mama, how could Daddy be a murderer?
00:42:04If y'all excuse me now, I think I'll be gone.
00:42:07Walter!
00:42:08Little Sparta.
00:42:10I just don't know what to say.
00:42:11I don't know what to say.
00:42:13And neither do I is that.
00:42:15The mercy.
00:42:17What?
00:42:18Thank you for supper.
00:42:32Whoa, wait a second. Hang on a second, Walter.
00:42:35Hey, hey, hey!
00:42:36I killed him because I thought he was trying to steal your grandma away from me.
00:42:45I was caught up in uncontrollable, jealous rage.
00:42:50Jealousy ain't green, boy.
00:42:53It's red.
00:42:55Like a red-hot poker.
00:42:57You'll understand someday when you take away.
00:42:59I can suck it all day long, Otis.
00:43:01You can suck it as long as you want to, Liz.
00:43:05Where? Where are you?
00:43:06No!
00:43:08Everybody knew I did it.
00:43:09But nobody ever come after me because Otis was black.
00:43:11I think they were all relieved I didn't shoot your grandma, too.
00:43:13I never let any of it bother me much.
00:43:14Until a while ago, when I got this dream.
00:43:15Otis?
00:43:17Otis?
00:43:18Otis?
00:43:19Otis?
00:43:50Otis?
00:43:52Otis?
00:43:53Otis?
00:43:55Otis?
00:43:57Otis!
00:43:59When a bind by glimpse of redemption came into my soul,
00:44:03I realized it was never anything I could do to bring Otis back,
00:44:06but I could sure help his son Walter.
00:44:07Yes, sir.
00:44:08That I surely could do.
00:44:10You see, we don't untangle all of these long, dark, loose threads in life
00:44:15that all come together and form loose around your soul at the end.
00:44:45Miranda.
00:44:47Yeah?
00:44:48Go back to the house!
00:45:03Miranda.
00:45:06Miranda, what do you want from me?
00:45:15Miranda.
00:45:36Is it going to get better?
00:45:39Walk me to my car, Zack.
00:45:45The animal's got to want to be.
00:45:48Robert E. is just ready to...
00:45:50He's ready to pass on.
00:45:55Oh, come on now, honey. It's all right.
00:45:57Really, Daddy's home, take care of me.
00:46:04Honey?
00:46:06What?
00:46:07Oh, Lord.
00:46:08Come on, son.
00:46:09You've got to go with your mother.
00:46:10Hey, go home.
00:46:11Robert E. is in pain, son.
00:46:12He's in pain.
00:46:13We've got to let him go.
00:46:14Spartan.
00:46:15We've got to release him.
00:46:16Let him go to heaven.
00:46:17Look at him, Spartan.
00:46:18Look at him.
00:46:19Look at him.
00:46:20Spartan.
00:46:21Look at him.
00:46:22Look at him.
00:46:23Spartan.
00:46:24I've got to do it.
00:46:25You can do what you've got to do.
00:46:26Later.
00:46:27But I've got to put him...
00:46:28Later.
00:46:29Later.
00:46:30All right.
00:46:31Come on, let's leave him alone.
00:46:32Come on.
00:46:33Come on, let's leave him alone.
00:46:34Come on, Spartan.
00:46:35Come on, Spartan.
00:46:36I've got to do it.
00:46:37You can do what you've got to do.
00:46:38Later.
00:46:40But I've got to put him...
00:46:41Later.
00:46:46All right, Spartan.
00:46:48Stay.
00:46:50There's no point in you gals staying up.
00:46:52All right.
00:46:53Clinton and I have got to build a coffin for him.
00:46:55All right.
00:46:56Come on, let's leave him alone.
00:46:58Good night, little man.
00:47:05Funny how things happen in threes.
00:47:07What?
00:47:08Things in life, good and bad.
00:47:10Just seem to come in threes.
00:47:12First all, Spartan dies.
00:47:13Then we find out he's a murderer.
00:47:15And now Robert E.
00:47:17You know, three's a biblical number.
00:47:18Father, son, holy ghost.
00:47:19Gosh, I never much noticed.
00:47:21Mary Joan, do you think that when bad things happen to us, it's because God is punishing us for a whole time?
00:47:34Well, yes, I think there's a scale of justice in the universe.
00:47:38It's just an old place.
00:47:39Honey, I dropped it.
00:47:40Honey, I'm gonna take this out.
00:47:41Honey, what is it?
00:47:42Can I help you?
00:47:43Oh, what is it?
00:47:44Oh, my God.
00:47:45Can you help me?
00:47:47And you won't.
00:47:48Maybe, Joanie just won't.
00:47:49Oh, Sean, what is it?
00:47:50Oh, my God.
00:47:51Oh, my God.
00:47:52Can you help me?
00:47:53And you won't.
00:47:54Maybe, maybe, Joanie just won't.
00:47:56Oh, Sean, what is it?
00:47:57Oh, my God.
00:47:58What is it?
00:47:59Can I help you?
00:48:02Oh, what is it?
00:48:04Oh, God can help me.
00:48:07If you won't, Mary Joanie, just won't.
00:48:10Oh, Sean, what is it?
00:48:14Mary Joanie, if I tell you, you've got to promise not to death.
00:48:17You've got to promise.
00:48:18Honey, you know I wouldn't tell if you didn't want me to.
00:48:24I'm barren.
00:48:26Oh, Sean, I'm not going to have a baby.
00:48:28Are you sure?
00:48:30We've been trying for years, but nothing.
00:48:32What do the doctors say?
00:48:33They don't know anything.
00:48:36It could be Clinton.
00:48:37No.
00:48:39It's me.
00:48:41No.
00:48:42No, it's me.
00:48:45No, it's...
00:48:48Come here.
00:48:55Shh, honey.
00:48:55I mean, all I had to do was give Clinton a boy.
00:48:58Just give him an heir to the company.
00:49:01Shh.
00:49:02Now he's so disgusted he hadn't touched me in months.
00:49:05Oh, Charlotte, shh.
00:49:07It's because Clinton's daddy cheated old Sparta out of all that oil.
00:49:10Charlotte, no.
00:49:11It is.
00:49:14I had a dream.
00:49:17A divine vision.
00:49:18And in this dream, I'm riding a camel through the planets and the stars.
00:49:23And I'm clutching my boy.
00:49:26My beautiful baby boy.
00:49:29The boy I'm never going to have.
00:49:31And I look through the eye of this needle.
00:49:37And I see all those oil rigs that made us so rich.
00:49:41And I realize I can't ride my baby into the world because Christ himself said you can't
00:49:46ride a camel through the eye of a needle.
00:49:48And that's when I figured it out.
00:49:55But he's punishing me.
00:50:00And I keep praying.
00:50:04But he doesn't seem to hear.
00:50:07Honey, you just keep on praying.
00:50:08Oh.
00:50:31Murdy?
00:50:33Yes, dear.
00:50:35Honey, I'm hunting for some sleeping pills.
00:50:37Charlotte, she's a little tent.
00:50:40Certainly there's a whole bottle in the medicine cabin.
00:50:45Murdy, see you feeling okay?
00:50:47Only thing left.
00:50:49What?
00:50:50It was all just a misunderstanding.
00:50:52For years, I had tried to fight the awesome power of a wet ear.
00:51:08Stop it.
00:51:34You nerdist, stop it.
00:51:38Get off me.
00:51:47Finish your breakfast.
00:51:48Go on, sweetheart.
00:51:50Sparta stopped sleeping with me out of, well, fear.
00:51:56I had reached a point of absolute desperation
00:51:59when the idea came to me.
00:52:04Oh, Lord Jesus, stop it.
00:52:07Take a take and go.
00:52:09Yeah, that a boy.
00:52:11Otis was, well, they were poor.
00:52:13And his wife had just given birth to Walter.
00:52:17Otis, how'd you like to make $20?
00:52:27Oh, I could suck it all day long, Otis.
00:52:31You suck it as long as you want to, Ms. Whitt.
00:52:37Hey.
00:52:38Get off me.
00:52:39Get off me.
00:52:40Get off me.
00:52:41Get off me.
00:52:42Get off me.
00:52:49Oh, oh, oh.
00:52:50Oh.
00:52:51Oh.
00:52:52Oh.
00:52:53Oh.
00:53:17Oh.
00:53:17Oh.
00:53:18Oh.
00:53:19Oh.
00:53:19And then, with Otis's body still warm out there in that field,
00:53:36Sparta tromped back on up here, and he took me forcefully.
00:53:41No, no, no, no.
00:53:45And just, oh, he just gave me the best loving I've ever had.
00:53:55You know, to this day, I feel shame when I think about it.
00:54:03And I kind of, dangling.
00:54:08And you know it's all because of that damned wit ear.
00:54:15You know what I'm talking about.
00:54:17I've seen you look exact that way sometimes.
00:54:19I don't think so.
00:54:20You don't.
00:54:22Well, what do you think it is?
00:54:24Murderous, honey.
00:54:27I think if I, uh, understood any of that, I believe I'd be a pervert.
00:54:34God, does that relieve stress.
00:54:53You're the first woman I met that smokes doing sex.
00:54:57Why waitin'?
00:54:58You really are crazy.
00:55:00You know that, Miranda Wett?
00:55:01You bet I am.
00:55:02I'm a bona fide schizophrenic.
00:55:05I've got all my papers and shots to prove it.
00:55:13What's it like in that institution?
00:55:16Like a man without a dick.
00:55:18Duh.
00:55:19Come on, I don't be funny.
00:55:20I'm serious.
00:55:21Well, it ain't like any place or anything.
00:55:31It's, it's like, you know that feeling you get sometimes when you're sinking to the bottom
00:55:38of the coldest ocean, all alone, suffocatin', a million pounds, pushin' on every square
00:55:44into your body.
00:55:46Well, someone found a way to take that feeling and turn it into a place, and that's what that
00:55:50is, and institutions like you.
00:56:00Oh, I don't need that yet.
00:56:02You could, uh, brace this for me, though.
00:56:20Here, you want me to show you a better way to do that?
00:56:31I know how to do it.
00:56:32I know how to do it.
00:56:33Everyone knows the basic principles of hammering, okay?
00:56:37All you have to do is put the nail in, and you just...
00:56:41Shit, shit, shit.
00:56:43You hit the goddamn nail in a straight line.
00:56:47I'm just no good at it.
00:56:49I guess you never did much of this kind of work growing up, did you?
00:56:53Sure, I did.
00:56:55Hell.
00:56:57I was building things all the time when I was a kid.
00:57:00It's just, of course, now I work business the way it is.
00:57:02Oh, I wasn't insinuating anything about it.
00:57:03It's just that when a guy grows up in a wealthy family, he usually doesn't get to do the kind
00:57:08of things that men usually do.
00:57:10You remember visiting me when we were kids?
00:57:14Yeah, and I remember playing old maid in the parlor a hell of a lot more than I do playing
00:57:17cowboys and Indians in the woods.
00:57:20Now, why don't you just admit it, Zach?
00:57:23You're jealous.
00:57:24And you've always been jealous ever since my daddy struck oil on his land.
00:57:28His land.
00:57:30Well, here we go.
00:57:32Now we see it all clear as day.
00:57:34You still got that stuck in your craw, don't you?
00:57:37My daddy bought that land from old Sparta fair and square.
00:57:42And he struck oil on it a week later.
00:57:44Did it ever occur to you that maybe your pa was so hell-bent on wasting his life with
00:57:48a stupid dream of a camel dynasty that my daddy was forced to go off on his own?
00:57:54Now, my daddy tried for years to get old Sparta to drill for oil.
00:57:59But Sparta was too damn stubborn.
00:58:02That wasn't the way it got told to me.
00:58:04Besides, that wasn't the point.
00:58:07I was just comparing our upbringings.
00:58:09That's what you weren't.
00:58:10No, you weren't.
00:58:11God damn it.
00:58:12You were calling me a sissy.
00:58:13Now, that's what you were doing.
00:58:14The hell I was.
00:58:15The hell you weren't!
00:58:16Maybe I don't know how to ride a horse.
00:58:18Maybe I've never been in a real fight.
00:58:19But that don't make me less of a man than you, Zach Wit.
00:58:22You ain't never been in a real fight?
00:58:26Well, by Jesus, but I'll tell you what.
00:58:29I'll tell you what, Zach.
00:58:32I'm sorely tempted right now.
00:58:33Oh, now, easy now, Clinton.
00:58:35Just settle down here.
00:58:36Come on.
00:58:37I'm going to prove it to you.
00:58:38What?
00:58:39Come on.
00:58:39I'm going to show you what I got.
00:58:41Come on.
00:58:44Let's play toe tickler.
00:58:46Toe tickler?
00:58:47Yeah, that's right.
00:58:48Clinton, we're a grown man here.
00:58:49Now, why don't we both just calm down
00:58:51and finish building this coffin for Robert E.
00:59:04Well, I knew you was too yellow to do it.
00:59:13All right.
00:59:14Let's tickle them tobes.
00:59:27So this is where the wits end up, huh?
00:59:29Not all of them.
00:59:32It should be one more.
00:59:35One more small grave.
00:59:37For my baby.
00:59:44A baby?
00:59:46Well, it wasn't a real baby.
00:59:47It was kind of a baby to be.
00:59:51You see, his father was a Cherokee brave,
00:59:53and Daddy just wouldn't let me marry him.
00:59:56He wouldn't have no half-pree grandchild Attaway looks,
00:59:58so I went and gave myself an abortion.
01:00:01Funny, I thought that would make Daddy happy,
01:00:09but after that, he just kind of froze up on me.
01:00:16He planted that tree in the backyard in the baby's memory.
01:00:22Not long after that, I couldn't tell you
01:00:25how long I found myself in the sanitarium.
01:00:27Just when I think I'm getting better, I go home.
01:00:33I see that tree.
01:00:36Suddenly, I'm sinking to the bottom of the ocean again.
01:00:41Sounds to me like that tree got a hint on it.
01:00:46If I were you, I'd...
01:00:48I'd cut the dang thing down.
01:00:57Less than an S if you want to win.
01:01:06No, you're lucky.
01:01:27It's just a piece of your toe.
01:01:29No stitches.
01:01:32I'll see if I can't dig up a first aid kit.
01:01:34Talk about Caddy.
01:01:36Here are the keys.
01:01:37All right.
01:01:38Be back in no time.
01:02:04You want to explain this, Clint?
01:02:10This is my home.
01:02:14Well, this is where Charlotte and I live.
01:02:18I got nothing.
01:02:21Well, what about them oil rigs out there?
01:02:25You ever see them pumping?
01:02:27Damn thing's dried up on me.
01:02:32I just can't believe this, Clint.
01:02:34Huh?
01:02:35A hard time believing it myself.
01:02:39No savings?
01:02:42Stock market.
01:02:44Lost everything trying to win it back.
01:02:48You got enough to live?
01:02:49Yeah, well, not counting what I lost to you shooting.
01:02:55I got, uh, about a week till Tuesday.
01:02:59We were hoping old Sparta would, you know, leave us something as well.
01:03:01But, you know, it just wasn't meant to be, so.
01:03:05At least you don't have any kids to feed.
01:03:10Yeah.
01:03:11I guess we can be thankful for that.
01:03:13I ain't gonna tell anybody about this, Clint.
01:03:21Not even Mary Joan.
01:03:23Well, I appreciate that, Jack.
01:03:28Well, let's wrap that up and finish that coughing, Mr. Toe-tickling champion.
01:03:33Just pain.
01:04:03Come on, Gimpy.
01:04:29If we get drunk now, we can still be sober in time to take care of Robert E.
01:04:33If we get drunk now, we can still be sober in time to take care of Robert E.
01:05:03Hey, don't you think six in the morning's a little early for pruning?
01:05:08You know, cutting it down's not going to change anything.
01:05:13You mean it won't change anything for you.
01:05:15But for me, it's going to do a world of good.
01:05:18Just out of curiosity, Mary Joan, when are you going to forgive me?
01:05:24I can't forgive you. Only God can do that.
01:05:27I'm not talking about the baby.
01:05:29I want to know when you're going to forgive me for my real sin.
01:05:32You're not making any sense.
01:05:34Now come on in the house and get some sleep.
01:05:35You've always hated me.
01:05:38Long before the abortion.
01:05:39Don't waste our time denying it.
01:05:41All right, you're not my type.
01:05:43And why is it exactly you think that is?
01:05:45That you don't like me?
01:05:47Miranda, I don't know.
01:05:49It's not something concrete that I can put my finger on right now.
01:05:52Because I was so pretty.
01:05:54That's my sin.
01:05:55And that made you jealous.
01:05:56Because all your life you played by the rules.
01:05:59But on a hot summer night, the boys didn't exactly go looking for nice girls.
01:06:04Well, Mary Joan, maybe it seems to you that I have danced with a serpent.
01:06:09That I have offended the moral code and sanctity of this godforsaken stretch of prairie.
01:06:14But I have paid a very high price for whatever I'm supposed to have done to y'all.
01:06:19Maybe that ain't good enough for you.
01:06:21Maybe you want me to take my life.
01:06:24To atone for taking that Indian boy's seed.
01:06:27Well, I'll look you straight in the eye.
01:06:29And I'll tell you I will not spend the rest of my life rotting away in that asylum waiting for your forgiveness.
01:06:36So that tree is coming down.
01:06:39And I'm going to pull out anything bad that's grown in my heart.
01:06:41Until I'm able to come out and start living again.
01:06:47You give me that saw.
01:06:48I don't think so.
01:06:49I said give it to me now.
01:06:50You give...
01:06:51I want to give things up to boys, Mary Joan.
01:06:54Don't you know?
01:06:55You want it.
01:06:56You take it.
01:06:57Okay, honey?
01:06:58It's my new slippers.
01:07:00Now you go ahead and give it to me.
01:07:02Behaving like a child, you're going to get a horse.
01:07:04Yes, I am.
01:07:06Really?
01:07:07Give me this saw.
01:07:08I'm like one of those savages you see in the National Geographic.
01:07:12You want to communicate with me?
01:07:13Then you've got to descend to my primitive, carnal, sinful level.
01:07:18Oh, Lord.
01:07:35No!
01:07:40Miranda!
01:07:41Mary, no!
01:07:42Miranda, what is it?
01:08:10I didn't have any abortion, but I aborted my baby.
01:08:21And here...
01:08:22And here I aborted my baby.
01:08:27I planned on going to the city and having eternally God be mean to it.
01:08:31Miranda, why would you say that you had an abortion when you had a miscarriage?
01:08:57Because I did it.
01:09:01In my heart, I killed my baby.
01:09:06That's why God took it.
01:09:09You can't lie to God.
01:09:11You wouldn't understand Mary Jo and you just wouldn't understand.
01:09:14I tried to hold it.
01:09:19I just kept wondering if God was punishing me.
01:09:24Punishing me for loving that boy.
01:09:26For giving him all the love I had.
01:09:30He's not punishing you, Miranda.
01:09:34And if he is, well...
01:09:36Then he's an asshole.
01:09:37Oh, Lord, am I going to go to hell for saying that?
01:09:42Only if God really is an asshole, honey.
01:09:51Come on.
01:09:52Twelve?
01:09:54Twelve, my bud.
01:09:56Swear to God.
01:09:58My bud.
01:09:59Swear to God.
01:10:02God.
01:10:02Well, I didn't do it until I was 16.
01:10:05I'm sorry for you.
01:10:09Who is?
01:10:13Jenny.
01:10:14The maid?
01:10:15Yes, sir.
01:10:18Yes, sir.
01:10:19And she was sweet as feet five.
01:10:25There I was.
01:10:26I was organizing my shoe tree.
01:10:31Then I felt this big old wet lip.
01:10:36Around my ear.
01:10:39And boom, bang, I was a man.
01:10:44That must have been great.
01:10:45Hell no, I was scared to death.
01:10:49And then when my man root got swollen...
01:10:51I thought I had tetanus.
01:10:55I didn't know what was going on.
01:10:58She went for the ear, huh?
01:11:00It's the damnedest thing.
01:11:03You know what?
01:11:04I'm going to tell you something now...
01:11:05In the strictest of confidences.
01:11:06Oh, of course.
01:11:08Charlotte is the exact same way.
01:11:10She'll go right for my ear.
01:11:11It's the goddamnedest thing.
01:11:13I'm not surprised.
01:11:14Mary Joan, too.
01:11:15You know what it is, don't you?
01:11:16I know.
01:11:17Didn't your daddy tell you?
01:11:19Well, I guess he died too soon.
01:11:21Well, I didn't find out about it myself...
01:11:24and tell us about ready to go off to boot camp.
01:11:27You are truly a man now, Zack.
01:11:29So it's time you should know about the awesome power...
01:11:31of the male wit's ear.
01:11:34Some call it a blessing.
01:11:35Some call it a curse.
01:11:36But they all agree on one thing.
01:11:39There is something truly mystical...
01:11:40about the ears of a wit menfolk...
01:11:42that turns women into wild, lustful creatures...
01:11:46with no other thought...
01:11:47than the satisfaction of their animal urges.
01:11:51No kidding.
01:11:52Tell you the truth.
01:11:52I didn't believe it 100% until now.
01:11:55The ear, huh?
01:11:56Yeah.
01:11:57It's no wonder my daddy wore a hat.
01:11:59Oh, damn.
01:12:00Oh, Paul!
01:12:02Charlotte, Paul!
01:12:03What in the hell is that?
01:12:05I'm gonna lean into it!
01:12:06Dad!
01:12:09Woo-hoo!
01:12:11Woo-hoo!
01:12:11Woo-hoo!
01:12:13Morning!
01:12:15Y'all doing some gardening?
01:12:17Oh, just clearing out a little dead one!
01:12:21A man spends the first half of his life...
01:12:23trying to understand women...
01:12:25and the second half trying to forget what he's learned.
01:12:28Uh-huh.
01:12:29Women.
01:12:30He's in pain, son.
01:12:40He's in pain, and he wants to die.
01:12:43You'd like to help him, wouldn't you?
01:12:46Well, there's only one way you can.
01:12:49You know what that is, don't you?
01:12:51Look at Robert E.
01:12:53The answer is in his eyes.
01:12:55Yeah.
01:13:00I know
01:13:17there are plenty of people to do.
01:13:26I've got to move this up.
01:13:27I'll be able to move this up.
01:13:28That's all.
01:13:29Oh, my God.
01:13:59Oh, my God.
01:14:29The only thing a white lie can turn mighty black if it sets in someone's head long ago.
01:14:36Honey, what brought all this up?
01:14:40Mary Joan, you think I'm fit to run this family?
01:14:44Honey, this is all on me now that Daddy's gone.
01:14:47I want to know what you think.
01:14:52I think this family is lucky to have a man of your character looking over us.
01:14:58Now, why would you ask me a thing like that?
01:15:00Sometimes I get the feeling you don't think too much of me.
01:15:12Don't get me wrong.
01:15:15I think that you love me and all.
01:15:17It's just that sometimes I think you figured you married beneath yourself.
01:15:21And you did.
01:15:24Look at you.
01:15:28You're so pretty.
01:15:30You got a college education.
01:15:34You could have done better, and that's the truth.
01:15:37Honey, I married you because I saw a genuine hero and I still see one.
01:15:41Now, how long have you been thinking about all this nonsense?
01:15:44Mostly since Daddy's gone.
01:15:53Zach, did I do something that made you feel this way?
01:16:01We stay in Texas.
01:16:05We're always going to drive an old car,
01:16:07and you'll be buying your dresses in the basement of some thrift store,
01:16:10and even if little Sparta does start talking again,
01:16:13I ain't going to be able to send him to college.
01:16:15Honey, what are you talking about?
01:16:26We'll take that job up for us.
01:16:29We're going to move to New York.
01:16:35Well, honey, you know whatever decisions you have to make,
01:16:37I'm going to stand behind you, 100%.
01:16:39Really?
01:16:40Really, honey.
01:16:42Hmm.
01:16:43Little Sparta, would you be quiet for a while?
01:16:55Little Sparta,
01:16:56this here is your great, great, great granddaddy Lucas.
01:16:59When I saw Hannibal standing there,
01:17:02Oh, there is the speaker of the house in Austin.
01:17:04Everybody, keep going home.
01:17:05That gun scares you, don't it?
01:17:07Look at Robert E., the answer is in his eyes.
01:17:19Hey, wake up, boy.
01:17:21Let's go.
01:17:46It's real sad, I know, but I'm so proud of you for doing the right thing about Robert E.
01:17:58Climb up, partner. Let's go for a ride.
01:18:00Oh, look at that, boy. This is Texas. This is your real inheritance.
01:18:11You know why Texas is so damn hot?
01:18:13Well, because so many wit men came here and raised so much hell.
01:18:18Maybe that's where we made a little mistake, you see.
01:18:20Instead of raising so much hell all the time, we should have reached up and tried to pull down a little bit of heaven every now and then.
01:18:25You understand?
01:18:27No.
01:18:29Well, let me put it this way.
01:18:31Life is an ornery camel, little Sparta.
01:18:34And it'll drag your sorry ass through the most godforsaken deserts on earth.
01:18:38The trick is to hold on tight.
01:18:39And if you do that, that nasty critter might just give you the ride of your life.
01:18:46Well, this part of our journey is coming to an end together.
01:18:50It's just one last thing.
01:18:52Listen up now. I want my ear back.
01:18:54No, wait a minute. Don't get scared.
01:18:56It's my ear, damn it, and I want it back.
01:18:58Is that a deal?
01:18:59Come on, partner.
01:19:01That's my boy. Thank you.
01:19:03Well, I'm about out of surprises, little Sparta.
01:19:10Just remember, you've got a burning drop of every wit that's ever lived flowing in your veins.
01:19:15And you've got fire in your heart.
01:19:17Use that fire to forge one hell of a wonderful life for yourself.
01:19:22And every now and then, you just remember your grandpa with a little prayer.
01:19:26And I'll be right there with you.
01:19:27How'd that be?
01:19:30Let me give you a kiss goodbye.
01:19:31Let's go, Mama.
01:19:59Daddy's about to arrive any second.
01:20:01I'll give up the ghost on you two.
01:20:03Well, we overslept.
01:20:06I'll be darned.
01:20:31I'll be darned.
01:20:33I'll be darned.
01:20:34I'll be darned.
01:20:36I'll be darned.
01:20:37I'll be darned.
01:20:39I'll be darned.
01:20:41Oh, my God.
01:21:11Little Sparta?
01:21:36Was that your granddaddy's ear?
01:21:39Well, it's back where it belongs.
01:21:45Thank God.
01:21:47Dang thing about drove me crazy.
01:21:55Appreciate you taking Miranda back.
01:21:57Pleasure.
01:21:59Where in hell is she?
01:22:09Take a care of yourself, Miranda.
01:22:12Yeah?
01:22:13Look me up on your surface.
01:22:15I certainly will.
01:22:36Best of luck to you all.
01:22:38Hey, Clinton, you take good care of that cat again, yeah?
01:22:40Okay, I will, Walter.
01:22:45What's that?
01:22:46Be good, Walter.
01:22:47Will do.
01:22:48Will do.
01:22:49Bye.
01:22:50Bye, y'all.
01:22:51Bye, Walter.
01:22:52I don't think he was a pistol, ain't he?
01:22:57That nigger's gonna be a doctor.
01:22:59Someday he may save your life.
01:23:02You know the world's a change, ain't he?
01:23:04Come on, Clinton, I got something for you here.
01:23:08Now you know I love you, and you know I'm gonna be thinking about you every day.
01:23:13You tell your mom and daddy to come visit me here for Christmas,
01:23:20because if I have to go up to New York, I'm just likely to freeze to death.
01:23:28Don't you think it's time you started talking again?
01:23:33See you around.
01:23:38You don't have this kind of money, Zach.
01:23:40Well, thanks to the inheritance, I do.
01:23:44Well, I'm truly touched about it.
01:23:47Clinton, oil wells may dry up, but blood is forever.
01:23:51I don't argue.
01:23:54Well, you just can't give this kind of money away.
01:23:57Well, I didn't exactly say I was giving it to you.
01:24:01There's, uh...
01:24:05There's something I'd like to buy from you.
01:24:08Bye, Murley.
01:24:09Bye, Murley.
01:24:10I love you, Mama.
01:24:11I love you.
01:24:23Sugarbush, I got some good news and some bad news.
01:24:27The bad news is you're gonna have to wait a while for that Cadillac.
01:24:30Honey, you know I don't care about any old Cadillac.
01:24:32Hey.
01:24:33Hey, hey, hey, hey, you get your lips off my ear right now.
01:24:38What got into you, woman?
01:24:40You know you're just so cute, I can't help it.
01:24:42Well, I heard that before.
01:24:43Oh, you did? What's the good news, honey?
01:24:45The good news, honey.
01:24:46The good news is we wanna have that famous wit barbecue.
01:24:48Hell, we can have it any night we want the dang thing, cause I made him deal with Clinton.
01:24:52Hell, is hell a word you want him repeating?
01:24:54He don't repeat anything. He's a little new boy, right, Spar?
01:24:56The hell I am.
01:24:58Hey, you're talking again.
01:25:00Well, I'm glad to see that's over and done with.
01:25:02But don't you ever let me hear you cursing again or else I'll-
01:25:05I'll stop if you'll stop, Daddy.
01:25:06What?
01:25:14All right.
01:25:16Let's shake on the deal.
01:25:18Okay.
01:25:19Okay.
01:25:20No, it's funny.
01:25:26Boy, you've got a stubborn as head.
01:25:28I'm thinking mother's side of the family for that.
01:25:29Stubborn as head.
01:25:30You're stubborn as head.
01:25:31You're stubborn as head.
01:25:32You're stubborn as head.
01:25:33Keep your hands on the wheels.
01:25:34I got my hands on the wheels.
01:25:50Thank you, Robert E.
01:25:51I sure didn't want to make this trip alone.
01:26:19I'm thinking I want to make this trip alone.
01:26:30All right.
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