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Jim Jefferies and Friends Season 1 Episode 2
#RealityRealmUS
Reality Realm US
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Buckle up, because it's time for Jim Jeffries and Friends.
00:09Starring Ireland's Jim Owen, Amos Gill, Renee Percy,
00:15and Yvonne Aristaghena.
00:18Now, give it up for Jim Jeffries!
00:27Hello, hello.
00:29Ah, very exciting to be here.
00:31Now, I do a little bit of acting.
00:33I mostly do comedies and stuff like that.
00:35Now, I'm going to tell you a story that happened over COVID.
00:38Okay, so, during COVID, my wife gets pregnant.
00:41Right? That's got nothing to do with acting.
00:43I, you know, regular way...
00:47Came in my hand and chucked it at her.
00:54Anyway, so, my wife gets pregnant, right?
00:56So, we're quarantining together.
00:58My wife's pregnant.
00:59We're just living in the house, living our lives, right?
01:02And I get a phone call from Rob Schneider.
01:05Now, this is at the height of COVID.
01:07This is back with the original, the OG COVID.
01:10You know the one that would kill you?
01:12Eh?
01:13The one where you're on a ventilator and there was doctors standing around you like this?
01:19That COVID.
01:20Remember that?
01:21That COVID would kill you.
01:22And then Delta came along.
01:23And Delta could fuck you up.
01:25But I think it's safe to say, if you died from Omnicrom, you're a pussy.
01:29Anyway.
01:36So, my wife's pregnant.
01:37We're trying to, you know, keep her safe from the COVID.
01:40We're in the house.
01:41I get a phone call from Rob Schneider.
01:42Now, you all know who Rob Schneider is.
01:44Rob Schneider's Deuce Bigelow, the hot chick.
01:47He's been in all the Adam Sandler movies.
01:49You can do it.
01:50Someone wants to yell it out.
01:51Right?
01:52That's...
01:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:54Yeah.
01:55If I bring it up, it's irritating.
01:56His life must be hell.
01:58Anyway.
02:00So, Rob brings me up.
02:01And he's writing a movie with a very funny Australian comic called Monty Franklin.
02:04And it's set about the emu war that happened in Western Australia.
02:08If you know about this, there was a whole lot of emus.
02:11And the Australian army was sent in.
02:13And they lost the war.
02:15Anyway.
02:18So, they're making a movie about that.
02:20So, Rob Schneider and Monty Franklin are writing this movie about that.
02:23That already cast in the movie John Cleese.
02:26Now, I have to mention that John Cleese is a personal hero of mine.
02:30That John Cleese has been making me laugh since I was about six years old.
02:35Right until now.
02:36There's not many people who can do that.
02:39I remember John Cleese being a bit of connective tissue between me and my parents.
02:44You know, we'd be watching the TV, watching the life of Brian.
02:48And we'd be laughing at the same things.
02:50And there wasn't many things that did that.
02:52I love John Cleese.
02:53And Rob Schneider also loves John Cleese.
02:56And he had cast John in this movie.
02:58And John had read the script and he had decided that he wanted to rewrite the script.
03:02Right?
03:03Now, John Cleese is an Oscar nominated writer.
03:05If he asked to rewrite your script, you fucking let him.
03:09So, John Cleese and Rob Schneider and Monty Franklin all decide to get an Airbnb in Phoenix, Arizona.
03:19Right?
03:20Rob believes in more freedoms.
03:22They didn't have a mask mandate there.
03:24It's a whole thing.
03:25Anyway, so they move out to Phoenix, Arizona and they're in an Airbnb and that's who are quarantining during COVID.
03:32They ring me up and say, hey, do you want to help out with the script?
03:35Come and write with us for a bit.
03:36And I'm like, I don't want to go out to Phoenix.
03:39And then Rob goes, John Cleese is here.
03:41And I'm like, I want to fucking live with John Cleese.
03:43Of course I want to live with John Cleese.
03:46But here's the problem.
03:47My wife's pregnant.
03:49She's scared.
03:50If she gets COVID, what happens to the baby?
03:53She's all worried.
03:54If I leave, she'll be all by herself.
03:56So, I had to be very tactful about this.
03:58So, I walked up to my wife and I said, honey, I've got to go.
04:03And then I drove off to Phoenix.
04:09Alright?
04:10I drove off six hours out to Phoenix.
04:13I get out there.
04:16I get out there.
04:17And we all lived together in this house.
04:19And every day was the same.
04:21We'd wake up in the morning and have a great big full English breakfast.
04:25John loves food, man.
04:26This full English breakfast was great.
04:28We'd eat that.
04:29Then we'd write for a few hours.
04:31Then we'd have a swim in the pool.
04:33Me, Basil Fawlty and Deuce Bigelow.
04:36Sitting around splashing each other.
04:41Then we would have lunch.
04:46Then John, who was 82 at the time, would have what he calls a naff.
04:50Alright?
04:51Then we'd see John again at 6pm.
04:53Alright?
04:54Then at 6pm we'd have dinner and he would tell us these wonderful stories about Eric Idle and Michael Palin.
05:02And all the wonderful stories.
05:04Then we would finish the evening by doing a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle of a Hungarian castle that John thinks he may have performed in once.
05:17Now this went on for a while.
05:20A few days later, sadly Rob Schneider's mother passes away.
05:24So Rob has to go off to San Francisco for his mother's funeral.
05:27So now me and John are just kicking around the house, eating big breakfast, swimming in pools, doing jigsaw puzzles of Hungarian castles.
05:36Cut to about a week later, my wife says, can you come home?
05:40And I'm like, okay.
05:42So I go up in the morning, I go by myself, I go get a COVID test because I've got to go home and then I go and buy a bottle of wine to give to John as a thank you.
05:52And I walk into the house and John's standing there and I give it to him and I had a little speech prepared.
05:57And I said, John, this is a little token of my appreciation.
06:00Thank you so much for letting me live with you for the last couple of weeks.
06:04Writing jokes with you is a dream come true and has been a real joy in my life, sir.
06:13And he looked at me and he said, becoming friends with you has been a great joy in my life.
06:21How about we finish that jigsaw?
06:26Now I had no plane to catch.
06:32I was driving home.
06:33I'm like, fuck it.
06:34Yeah, let's finish this fucking jigsaw.
06:37So we're sitting there doing the jigsaw.
06:40John is now telling me how he wrote the dead parrot sketch.
06:44Him and Chapman wrote the sketch, where they came up with it.
06:47The whole sketch has ADR, which means they recorded the voice over the top.
06:51Because if you look in this sketch, there's a fish tank with a little filter bubbling.
06:55And he's like this, because silence is the canvas where laughter is painted upon.
07:01And I'm like, I'm having a most pretentious comedy conversation with my hero.
07:09I remember thinking to myself, these moments don't happen all the time.
07:16Remember this.
07:17And then I get a text on my phone and I pull my phone out and it says, you have COVID.
07:22And I'm sitting across from my 82 year old unvaccinated hero.
07:43And I sat there for about seven minutes and said and did nothing.
07:50Like, remember that moment that George Bush found out about 9-11?
07:55And he was sitting in front of those kids and that person just whispered in his ears and
08:02he was like...
08:03So eventually after a while, I thought I have to do something.
08:10So I had a mask hanging around my neck.
08:13So I put it gingerly up over me face.
08:16Because I thought, maybe I could still stop it.
08:24And then I just said, John, I have COVID.
08:29Now John's basically deaf and if he can't see my lips move,
08:33he didn't know what the fuck I was saying.
08:36And he landed and he went, what?
08:39And I said, I'm so sorry, John.
08:41I don't know how this happened.
08:42I've been with you the whole time.
08:43I don't know where I could have gotten COVID.
08:46And he stood up and he came towards me and he was like this, what?
08:52What?
08:53And I was like, no, John, no.
08:56Save yourself.
09:00What?
09:01But he kept coming.
09:03What?
09:04What?
09:05So I just collected all my shit and I just ran out of the house and I got to the door.
09:15And I'm not religious, but I said, Godspeed, John.
09:19And then I got in my car and I rang my wife up and I was sitting there panicking.
09:24And I rang her up and I said, my wife's name's Taisy.
09:28I didn't name her.
09:30Anyway, so I was sitting there and I rang up Taisy and I went, Taisy, I went Taisy.
09:42I said, I have COVID.
09:45And my wife went, oh my God, the baby.
09:48The baby.
09:51And I said, fuck the baby.
09:54I've just killed John Cleese.
09:58And my wife, who is British and married to a comedian said, who is John Cleese again?
10:14I never would have married her.
10:18Still to come, Amos Gill, Renee Percy, Yvonne Aristageddon and Jim Owen.
10:26Part of it, I don't enjoy doing stand up.
10:28Part of it, checking into hotels, because they're very two faced.
10:32Like when you check in, they couldn't do enough for you.
10:34Can we show you to your room?
10:35Can we help you with your bag?
10:36And then you wake up in the morning and they're like, get out.
10:39Don't go away.
10:40This is Jim Jeffries and Friends.
10:44Look, this is very rare you get to introduce someone who you look up to as much as I look
10:54up to this man.
10:55I have been watching him do stand up comedy on Australian TV since before I was ever a comedian.
11:03He makes me laugh just as much now as he did then.
11:06Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to go crazy.
11:08It's Jim Owen.
11:09Right.
11:10Won't be trying that again.
11:24It's nice to be, you know, on tour sometimes.
11:30Parts of it, I don't enjoy doing stand up.
11:33Parts of it, checking into hotels.
11:35You know, like it sounds good, but it gets a bit tedious after a while.
11:39Because they're very two faced.
11:40You know, like when you check in, they couldn't do enough for you.
11:43Can we show you to your room?
11:44Can we help you with your bags?
11:45Then you go out for the evening.
11:47And you come back and they fold the chocolate on the side of the bed.
11:50You're like...
11:51And then you wake up.
11:54Can you fucking get out?
11:58You know when you get into the lift thing?
12:00You know when you're tired?
12:01You ever get into the lift and you press the floor you want to go to,
12:04and then someone gets into the lift with you,
12:06and they press another floor below your floor,
12:08and you're looking at the back of their head going,
12:10you're...
12:15I'm not always like that.
12:16Sometimes, you know, it's just you and a young girl in a lift together,
12:19and it can be quite intimidating as an older man.
12:22You and a younger girl in the lift.
12:24And I always try and make them feel at ease.
12:26I give them skinny lips.
12:28Just to make them feel at ease.
12:29I do this, I go...
12:34You don't want to be doing big lips in the lift, do you know?
12:55I do skinny lips a lot.
12:57It's my go-to face.
12:58You know, passing someone in a corridor.
13:00It's kind of skinny.
13:01Give them skinny lips.
13:04Sometimes I go to the reception at a hotel,
13:07and there's no one at reception.
13:08There's a little bell.
13:09You know, I ring the bell, you know?
13:11You're like, bing!
13:12And then...
13:13But I feel bad for summonsing somebody.
13:15So I ring the bell, and then I turn around
13:17and do skinny lips to anyone in the lobby.
13:19Bing!
13:27One time I went up to the hotel room,
13:28and there was no toilet paper in the hotel room.
13:31So I had to go back down to the reception and say to the girl,
13:33there's no toilet paper in the room.
13:35And the girl at reception reached onto the counter,
13:37grabbed a roll of toilet paper,
13:39handed it to me,
13:40and we both did skinny lips together.
13:48It was a nice moment.
13:49It was a nice moment.
13:53Gosh, yeah.
13:54But it's good to hear people coughing again too, isn't it?
13:56Like...
13:58Not that long ago we'd been running to the hills
14:00if someone had coughed.
14:02Now we're back coughing and spluttering like the good old day.
14:04Do you remember when the pandemic started
14:07and you were close to people
14:08and you felt like you were going to sneeze
14:10and you'd try and catch it early
14:12where it would implode in your head?
14:14Like...
14:16Because...
14:18Because the sneeze you do at home
14:19is different from the sneeze you do when you're out.
14:22When you sneeze at home,
14:23that's like an exorcism, isn't it?
14:25I was like...
14:26I was like...
14:32Other people in the family aren't expecting it.
14:35But when you're out,
14:36you catch it early where it blows.
14:37Just like when you burp.
14:38When you burp at home,
14:39you just go for it.
14:41But when you burp, when you're out,
14:42you break the burp up into two bits.
14:45Where you catch a bad air in the back of your throat
14:47and then the second bit you blow it out
14:48and you go...
14:49And then you go...
14:55Sneezing's the same,
14:56but you still burp and you still sneeze.
14:59Have you ever sneezed with your mouth full?
15:04Happened to me once.
15:06I was on a first date.
15:09No, it gets worse.
15:11It gets worse.
15:13I had the shits.
15:17No, it gets worse.
15:22I was in a standing 69er.
15:26It gets worse.
15:28No, it gets worse.
15:33I realised I wasn't gay.
15:38It gets worse.
15:42The parents arrived home.
15:45And we fell down the stairs.
15:47But luckily,
15:48we were in a standing 69er
15:50so it was just feet the whole way down the stairs.
15:52You understand?
15:55And I landed the right way up.
15:58But my brother wasn't happy.
16:00No!
16:02No!
16:04These are jokes.
16:05No!
16:09I sometimes talk to the audience as well,
16:11by the way, just to let people know
16:12that I've got that skill.
16:13I can ad-lib with the best.
16:15What's your name, love?
16:17Susie.
16:18Susie.
16:19And who are you with tonight?
16:20Those two.
16:21Uh, Michael.
16:22And?
16:23Sam.
16:24And you're from here, Melbourne?
16:25No, from England.
16:26England?
16:27You're from England?
16:28Oh, right.
16:30Right.
16:32What the hell?
16:36Could've gone anywhere.
16:38No, there's another thing I want to tell you about.
16:40Like,
16:41I've got a new pair of underpants, right?
16:44And, um...
16:46Do you ever have a crack at putting your underpants on
16:47but you're not quite awake?
16:49And you've just had a stab at it?
16:51And you haven't really thought it through?
16:53And you've caught Big Toe in the front of the underpants.
16:56And then you have a little bit of the dance with it.
16:59And then you've got to go down with the underpants.
17:05And then you're having words to yourself,
17:06going,
17:07get your game face on here.
17:08What are you fucking doing?
17:09Putting your underpants on.
17:10Think about this.
17:12Right, you've got to be up on one leg, right?
17:14So you're going to need a counter lever,
17:16you know,
17:17and, you know,
17:18maybe the next time you do it,
17:19do it up against the wall
17:20so if you do fall over,
17:21you can go into the wall,
17:23as opposed to last time,
17:24top of the stairs.
17:29And you're looking at the hole,
17:31and you're really...
17:32and you're a couple of fake stabs at it.
17:39Because you don't want to catch Big Toe
17:40on the front of the underpants, right?
17:43Because Big Toe's the enemy.
17:45Big Toe is your friend at night
17:47when you're taking your shoes off.
17:48Taking your trousers off.
17:51Taking your trousers off.
17:53But in the morning,
17:54Big Toe's your enemy, right?
17:57Big Toe's the only toe that works,
17:58by the way,
17:59all the rest of them are just de-evolving,
18:01aren't they?
18:02They're like,
18:03Big Toe's the only toe that moves, right?
18:04If you move your toes,
18:05that's the only one that moves.
18:06The rest of them are just going,
18:07what's going on?
18:11Except for Little Toe,
18:12Little Toe doesn't even bother moving.
18:13He's just lying there thinking,
18:15what's the point?
18:17I'm not even going to the market.
18:19I remember seeing my father's little toe as a kid thinking,
18:31you know,
18:32what happened to that?
18:34Oh my God, are you in pain?
18:37But now my little toe's the same,
18:39it's like upside down,
18:40it's like sideways,
18:41you can't even see it.
18:42The one next to it's lying on top of it.
18:44I have trouble with socks as well,
18:53but I have good socks.
18:55You know, like,
18:56you know when you open the sock drawer
18:58and you've just done a wash
18:59and there's loads of socks
19:00and you're like,
19:01oh, which ones will I have to do?
19:05But then there's other times
19:06you open the sock drawer
19:07and there's no socks left,
19:08you know,
19:09except for that one pair of socks
19:10that you've had all your life
19:11and you're trying not even to look at them.
19:14And then you pick him up, and you go, I fucking hate these socks.
19:18Oh, my God, not these socks.
19:21We have a chair opposite the bed.
19:23I have to, like, I sit on so I can get my foot on
19:25to put those socks on.
19:27Like, I just fight with the sock the whole way.
19:30Like, I've got a bad head on.
19:32I fucking hate these socks.
19:33These are the freaking worst socks.
19:34My leg up, you know.
19:35And if my wife's ever in bed, and I'm putting those socks on,
19:39she says the same thing to me every time.
19:41The freaking same thing.
19:42Like, a broken record.
19:44Um, can you put your underpants on first?
19:52I put my socks on first, and then my underpants.
19:56Not a good look, but it does take big two out of the equation.
20:00Thank you very much.
20:01Good night.
20:07Don't go away.
20:08After the break, more of Jim and his mates.
20:12I'm broke because I took my superannuation out.
20:14Anyone else make that call?
20:16I didn't really understand compound interest,
20:18so I took it out and put it into a self-managed super fund called Sportsbet.
20:21This next comedian travels around the world with me.
20:33I'm pretty sure he's going to be one of the most famous Australian comics that has ever lived.
20:38Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Mr. Amos Gill.
20:42G'day everybody, how you doing?
20:51Give it up for Jim Jefferies, come on!
20:53So, I'm broke.
20:59Anyone else broke?
21:01I don't think this gig's going to fucking help me either.
21:05I don't think I'll get much government money after this.
21:08I'm broke because I took my superannuation out.
21:10Anyone else make that call?
21:12Remember when the government in COVID said you could access your super early?
21:16I didn't really understand compound interest,
21:18so I took it out and put it into a self-managed super fund called Sportsbet.
21:25I'm not doing well.
21:26I am lucky though because my mum has got a new boyfriend and he's rich.
21:30We like that.
21:31His name's Wayne.
21:32He owns a gold mine in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia.
21:36He owns the mine.
21:37He owns the whole mine.
21:38That's why the relationship works out with my mum because they've got the same job.
21:41They both dig for gold and they really understand each other.
21:46I went to go meet him for the first time and he's got a yacht
21:48and I saw his yacht in the harbour and I deleted my real dad's phone number.
21:55I was like, I don't need this loser from the Riverland holding me back anymore.
21:59I got a new dad called Wayne.
22:01I went out on their little trip together.
22:03They had like a honeymoon.
22:04It was me, mum and Wayne.
22:06They had a lot of sex.
22:08I loved it.
22:10Every time I heard him come, I felt a little more financially secure.
22:15I was rocking the boat for them like, go mum, go!
22:19Save this family!
22:21I wanted him to come so hard, he had a heart attack.
22:25And I'd walk in the cabin and look at his lifeless body and go,
22:29I am the captain now.
22:34So how are we all feeling about the world?
22:35Are we ready for World War III?
22:38Yeah?
22:38That's exciting, isn't it?
22:40How do you think we'll go?
22:42I'm not sure we'll win the next one.
22:43I wouldn't have us on my multi.
22:46My generation has to fight it.
22:49We don't look like Anzacs, do we?
22:51You ever see these fat little fuckers on the scooters and vapes?
22:54I don't stare at them and think, you'll end up on a commemorative coin.
22:58My generation, we're not brave or tough.
23:02We hear Kokoda and we're like, is that a coffee shop?
23:05Where's that at?
23:07Gallipoli?
23:07Yeah, man, I voted for them in the hottest 100.
23:09They slap.
23:11We're not brave at all.
23:12I was in a coffee shop and I heard this in Melbourne.
23:14This girl goes, this week at work, I am not wearing any makeup to work.
23:19And her friend goes, you're so brave.
23:23I thought, we're fucked here.
23:26That's what bravery is today, wearing no makeup.
23:29Have you got makeup up?
23:30Yeah, you got it on?
23:31Yeah, fucking coward.
23:34That's what's brave today.
23:36You know what bravery was back in the day?
23:38Yeah, back in the day, in the 1940s,
23:40bravery was those young men that jumped into boats and crossed the English Channel.
23:44Remember those men?
23:45And the Stuka dive bombers?
23:47Bombing them, boats blowing up everywhere.
23:49They get on the beach.
23:49Their friends are getting shot, but they march forward
23:54because they believed in brotherhood and country and self-sacrifice.
23:57Those boys were brave.
23:58And you know why they were brave?
24:00None of them had makeup on.
24:03Must have been fucking intimidating.
24:05It's the worst day of your life and you don't have your face on.
24:08They're like, have we got any fucking concealer back there?
24:11I've got a pimple and the History Channel's here.
24:17I think we're going to lose the war, but I'm okay with that.
24:19We don't have the dogginess, but we will be good refugees.
24:24Aussies will be the best refugees the world has ever seen.
24:27It's everything that we enjoy.
24:28It's boating and camping.
24:32China and Russia will think they'll break our spirits
24:35and we're just wandering around going,
24:36boating, camping, fishing, it's BCF and fun.
24:39They'll put us into a tent city and all the millennials will be like,
24:44I finally got a house.
24:47You give it one week and that fucking camp will be a music festival.
24:51And if we have to flee and we're on boats,
24:55even if they sink us, they won't break us.
24:57These other countries, they drown at sea, not us.
25:01We'll be there for three days treading water like,
25:02mate, I did nippers.
25:03That's why I think if we want to be okay,
25:09let's just get on the front foot with China right now
25:10and cut a deal.
25:12We'll go up to the Chinese, we'll go to President Xi
25:14and we'll say, look,
25:16you can have Australia, you've already got Melbourne.
25:18Just give us one street in every Chinese city as a trade.
25:28Give us Aussie town.
25:30One district of all the Aussie shit crammed into it.
25:33That's a good bargain.
25:34Just one long road of pub tabs, kinos, chicken palmies.
25:38We'll have Aussie restaurants for the Chinese.
25:41There'll be Chinese-Australian fusion
25:42with a racist name probably knowing us.
25:45We'll be like, have yourself an Aussie bubble tea.
25:47It's just a VB with Maltesers in it.
25:52At the end of your meal,
25:53you get an Australian fortune cookie.
25:55What does yours say?
25:56Mine says, Saturdays are for the boys.
26:00What does yours say?
26:02Mine says, buy a bag tonight,
26:04your 15-leg Malti's getting up.
26:09And I'll be there in communist China
26:12trying to ply my trade as a comedian.
26:15I'll sell you out immediately.
26:17I'll be the number one comic in all of China.
26:21I've already started working on my act.
26:23Might try it out on you white dogs right now.
26:27This is from my upcoming show called
26:29Knee How You Going?
26:30And before I commence my act,
26:35I would like to take a moment to acknowledge
26:37that Taiwan is not real.
26:40It always was,
26:41it always will be,
26:43Chinese land.
26:48Don't fucking put this in TikTok,
26:50they'll kill me, right?
26:51An Englishman,
26:55an Irishman,
26:56an Australian walk into a bar.
26:58Of course they did.
26:59They are a degenerate scum race.
27:04Knock, knock.
27:04A Uyghur Muslim.
27:08Oh, how'd he get out of the camp?
27:12My wife,
27:13please,
27:13take my wife.
27:14She keeps giving birth to daughters
27:16and I'm sick of drowning them in the river.
27:17I'm going to stay broke.
27:26Alright,
27:26we'll finish on this.
27:28You guys have been a wonderful crowd.
27:29Thank you very much.
27:30Tip your waitress,
27:31try the chow mein.
27:35What's the difference
27:35between Santa Claus
27:37and the Tiananmen Square Massacre?
27:40Nothing.
27:40They are both a work of Western fiction
27:42and never existed.
27:44Thanks very much,
27:45I'm Manuel Skittle.
27:47See you later.
27:47After the break,
27:52more of Jim and his mates.
27:54Oh,
27:54my father is in the audience.
27:57He went to the Mona Art Gallery
27:58and he goes,
27:59you should have bloody seen it.
28:00There was one display there
28:01that was just a wall of vaginas.
28:04And I was trying to find one
28:06that looked like your mother's.
28:10Don't go away.
28:11Oh, my father is in the audience
28:22over there.
28:23My dad.
28:24Brian.
28:25They're from Sydney, right?
28:27So they're down for the trip, right?
28:29And they go,
28:30what's that bar?
28:31Jackson and whatever.
28:32And it has the picture of the Chloe upstairs.
28:35So there's a nude painting
28:36in the top of the bar.
28:38And these two bastards,
28:40that's all they want to see.
28:41They want to go see the thing.
28:43But they were here
28:43about six weeks earlier
28:45for the Grand Prix tryouts.
28:47And so they go,
28:48you've got to see this painting.
28:49So they took me yesterday
28:50to go see the Chloe.
28:51And I walk in
28:52and the bartender,
28:53she goes,
28:54oh, my God,
28:55as we walk in.
28:56And I was like this,
28:57yes, hello,
28:581% Club.
28:59Pleasure to meet you.
29:00And they went,
29:01you're the two old brothers
29:02who were here six weeks ago.
29:04So...
29:04They're at an age
29:08where they're uncanceable,
29:09these two.
29:10They can do whatever they want.
29:12So they went down to Tasmania
29:16to drive around
29:17and they went to,
29:18there's a museum there.
29:19What's it called again?
29:19In the Mona, right?
29:21So they go to the Mona.
29:21Now, my Uncle Brian,
29:23he's a big art buff.
29:24He knows everything about art.
29:26He goes to galleries like that.
29:27My father,
29:28he's not as much
29:30in the art world.
29:32He went to the Mona art gallery
29:34and he goes,
29:34you should have bloody seen it.
29:36There was one display there
29:37that was just a wall of vaginas.
29:40All different types of vaginas.
29:43All different shapes.
29:44Some of them were...
29:45Everything falling out of them.
29:47Some of them all tucked in.
29:48They were...
29:50They were all there to see.
29:53And I was trying to find one
29:55that looked like your mother's.
30:03Now, mind you,
30:04my mother died four years ago,
30:06so this is very sentimental to me.
30:09He goes,
30:09I was trying to find one
30:10that looked like your mother's.
30:12And I would have found one,
30:13but Brian kept on
30:14fucking hurrying me up
30:15the whole time.
30:17Anyway.
30:21There was this girl,
30:22she was about 20 or something,
30:24and she was just staring
30:25at this one vagina.
30:27She was staring at it
30:28for the longest time.
30:29And so I went up with her
30:30and I had a bit of a laugh
30:32and I walked up
30:34and I went,
30:36does that one look like yours?
30:43Now, my dad's seen me,
30:44this is the second time,
30:45I once,
30:46I went and performed
30:47at his bowling club in Taramara
30:49and I told that story
30:49and he got angry at me.
30:50It's literally the second time
30:52I've ever told this story.
30:53Right?
30:53So I had to do it again
30:54in front of my dad
30:55because if you can't do a joke
30:56in front of someone,
30:56you should never tell the joke at all.
30:58Right?
30:58Now, my dad comes up to me
31:00after I'd told that joke
31:01the first time,
31:01he goes,
31:01oh, bloody,
31:02you pick on me, you do.
31:03You fucking pick on me.
31:05He goes,
31:06that's not what happened at all.
31:07I didn't just walk up to her
31:09and go,
31:09does that one look like yours?
31:13I walked up to her
31:14and I went,
31:14that's a lovely looking one,
31:16isn't it?
31:17Right?
31:21I built a rapport
31:22with the young lady.
31:25I didn't say that either,
31:26I said,
31:27it looks very neat.
31:28Oh, man.
31:46I'm sorry, Dad.
31:47Next time when I tell that story,
31:49I'll make sure I get it right, mate.
31:53All right.
31:54This next comic works for me in LA.
31:56I, Adora,
31:57I know you will as well.
31:59Can you please welcome
32:00Renee Percy?
32:09Oh, yes.
32:11Hello.
32:11Hi.
32:12First of all,
32:13yes, I know.
32:14I look like Barbie's
32:15messed up sister.
32:17Yeah.
32:18Frankston Barbie.
32:22Yes, I look like Barbie
32:23made a few bad decisions,
32:25you know.
32:26I look like
32:27JonBenet Ramsey
32:28wasn't killed.
32:29How's that?
32:30How's that?
32:30Oh, okay.
32:32Sickos on that side.
32:33Too dark for this side.
32:35I'm going to tell you guys
32:37a true story.
32:38I have a friend
32:39who did a show
32:40at a college recently
32:41and he started off
32:42by saying,
32:43how's it going, guys?
32:45And they pulled
32:46the plug on him.
32:47Yes,
32:48because he was only
32:49referring to the men,
32:50right?
32:50He wasn't being
32:52inclusive.
32:54And I do not want
32:55to get canceled
32:56by a country
32:58whose prime minister
32:59shit himself
32:59in a McDonald's.
33:00So I have had
33:04my lawyer
33:05prepare a little
33:06statement
33:07that I would like
33:08to read
33:09with your consent.
33:12Yeah.
33:13I'm going to need
33:14a yes from everybody
33:15on this one.
33:17Do I have a yes?
33:18Yes.
33:18Do I have a yes
33:18from Gordon Ramsey,
33:20sir, right there.
33:20Do I have a yes
33:21from you, sir?
33:21Good to see you.
33:22Yes, I have a yes
33:23from you.
33:23What about the lead
33:24singer of Midnight Oil
33:25right there?
33:26Do I have a yes
33:26from you, sir?
33:27Right there.
33:28Good.
33:28Okay.
33:28Prince Harry.
33:29Nice to see you.
33:30Do I have a yes?
33:31Do I have a yes
33:31from you, sir?
33:32Good.
33:33Are there any
33:33Millennials or Gen Z
33:34here tonight?
33:35Millennials, Gen Z?
33:36Yes?
33:37Oh, good.
33:37All right.
33:38I'm going to need
33:38a yes from you bitches
33:39because you're
33:39the fuckers
33:40that'll cancel me.
33:41Okay?
33:42All right.
33:42So how about
33:42on the count of three
33:43everybody give me a yes?
33:44One, two, three.
33:46How's it going, guys?
33:49And girls.
33:50Okay?
33:51Women, men, ladies,
33:53gentlemen, lesbians,
33:55gays, bi, trans,
33:57non-binary, pan,
33:58fluid, queer,
33:59intersex, asexual,
34:00bi-curious,
34:01and those who like
34:02a finger in the...
34:03I'd like to welcome
34:05those with blue eyes,
34:07brown eyes,
34:08green eyes,
34:09hazel eyes,
34:10the lazy eye,
34:11the cross-eyed,
34:13and those with pink eye.
34:17It's probably the same
34:18people who like a finger
34:19in the...
34:20I'd like to welcome
34:22blood types A,
34:24B,
34:26AB,
34:27O+,
34:28O-,
34:29all the bloods.
34:32Oh, and the crips,
34:34if they're here.
34:35I want to welcome
34:36every single
34:38sentient being
34:39in this solar system
34:41and beyond.
34:42I want to welcome
34:43everybody.
34:47Yes, thank you.
34:49Um, except for
34:50Android users.
34:52They can go
34:52fuck themselves up!
34:54Pfft.
34:56I'm originally from
34:57Canada,
34:58but I do live in the U.S.,
34:59and I will say
35:00Americans like to
35:01make fun of me
35:02a lot
35:03for saying a few words
35:05slightly different.
35:07Like, uh,
35:07like in Canada,
35:08we say out,
35:09and in America,
35:10they say out.
35:11And we say about,
35:13and they say about.
35:14And we say sorry,
35:16and they say mass shooting.
35:17You know what I mean?
35:18It's just like a
35:18different in the pronunciation.
35:22Just a little different
35:23how they say out.
35:26It's different.
35:28But I do live in the U.S. now
35:29with my husband.
35:29I am married.
35:30Um, my husband and I,
35:31we just, uh,
35:32we just celebrated
35:3319 years together.
35:35And thank you.
35:36Oh, my gosh.
35:37Yes.
35:37Whoa, whoa, whoa.
35:38Sorry.
35:38Not in a row.
35:40Not in a row.
35:41No, we took a year
35:43and a half off
35:43to fuck other,
35:44find ourselves.
35:45Sorry, that's it.
35:46And, um, yeah.
35:48This is true.
35:48The other day,
35:49my husband said to me,
35:50he's like,
35:51I don't understand
35:52why you like Instagram
35:53so much.
35:54It's just a bunch
35:55of hot chicks
35:55with big tits.
35:58I was like,
35:59that is your algorithm,
36:02you idiot.
36:05I showed him my phone.
36:06All dogs.
36:07All dogs.
36:09His jaw dropped.
36:11He got all red.
36:12He was all embarrassed.
36:13He was like,
36:13oh, my God.
36:15You jerk off to dogs.
36:20My name's Renee.
36:21Thank you guys so much.
36:22A wristy getter.
36:27A getter on a wristy.
36:28A wristy getter.
36:30Yep.
36:30I've got a wristy getter.
36:31Perfect.
36:32A wristy getter.
36:34More to come
36:35on Jim Jefferies and Friends.
36:37Ladies and gentlemen,
36:45please welcome
36:46a wristy getter.
36:49more.
36:49Of course,
36:54yay!
37:01That was in Spanish,
37:03let's do it in English.
37:04metal
37:04here you go. Any more immigrants? Make some noise immigrants. Yeah. Can you yell your country of
37:11origin please? Scotland. England. England. England. You're not an immigrant if you come from England.
37:21Listen you have to learn something in order to adapt and English people they don't have to learn
37:26new things to adapt to Australia. You're not an immigrant if you whoever that person is you're
37:32not an immigrant if you move to Australia. You you just move to a better suburb. That's it.
37:38Because you learn nothing to adapt. I had to learn so much stuff to adapt to this country. For example
37:44I studied English before coming to Australia. So much English. And then I got to Australia. I realized
37:49that I should have studied some Australian English. Like she'll be right mate. She'll be right. No
37:54course. She will be right. Who the hell is she? The entire hope of Australia depends on this woman being
38:03right. We don't speak English in this country. We speak Stryan. Stryan is a lot easier than English.
38:11You should have told me that. English has a lot of words. So many words in English. Stryan just a few
38:17words. Because you can transmit. You can communicate so much information just by saying a few words in
38:23Australia. For example, in this country, you can explain anything. Anything can be explained in
38:28Australia just by saying three words. Anything can be explained here just by using three words.
38:35Fuckin' you know.
38:44Just three.
38:48I have to learn new stuff when I arrive to this country. I'm a real immigrant. You have to learn new shit.
38:53Like driving on the other side of the road and cricket and shit. Cricket is so hard to understand.
39:01Most games it's just put the ball on the other side. That's it. So easy to learn. Put the ball.
39:07Football soccer. Put the ball on the other side. Rugby. Put the ball on the other side.
39:13Australian football. Put the ball on the other side. Basketball. Put the ball. Volleyball.
39:18Chinese. Put fucking ping pong. Put the ball on the other side. Cricket.
39:25No. To learn cricket, you have to learn about finances.
39:33Because cricket is like finances. Cricket is like if you make an investment today,
39:37in three days, you might get a return.
39:44Yeah.
39:47As a comedian Australian, I also learned how to adapt my words doing comedy.
39:54I was going to do, I was doing a show on a cruise ship. My first show on a cruise ship.
40:00And I was, I was going to perform in the early show. The early show, there were kids in the audience.
40:05Kids in the audience.
40:07And they told me, Ivan, you're in the, in the first show. It's a family friendly show.
40:11Kids in the audience. No F words.
40:16I went, no F words.
40:17My entire act is about impersonating Australians.
40:23How do you think I'm going to do my show?
40:24And then a friend of mine, a well-seasoned comedian, Australian, he told me,
40:27no, Ivan, you can, you can say, you, you know that in Australia,
40:30you can swap the F word for bagger and everything will be PG.
40:35Just swap all the, bagger this and bagger that and bagger all and bagger off
40:39and you bloody bagger, bagger it.
40:43Are you sure it's PG? Yeah, you can hear it on the radio.
40:45Have you heard it on the radio, on the telly?
40:47Yeah, I've heard bagger on the radio and on the telly.
40:50Bagger. B-U-G-G-E-R.
40:53Bagger.
40:55I've heard that word. Yeah, man.
40:57PG-13.
40:58So I did what my friend told me.
40:59So I swapped all the F words for bagger.
41:02Just my set.
41:03Just checking all the F words for bagger, bagger, bagger, bagger, bagger.
41:06And then I made a terrible mistake.
41:08Behind the curtain, right before the show, I grabbed my phone.
41:12And I googled.
41:13The definition of the word bagger.
41:21Let me tell you something, you beautiful people of Melbourne.
41:25Bagger is a very specific F word.
41:27And it's very graphic.
41:33If you Google it, don't click on images.
41:37I was like, oh my God, how am I going to say these words in front of children?
41:40How come bagger is PG in Australia?
41:45And I went, my friend was right.
41:47I've heard bagger on the radio.
41:48I've heard bagger on the telly.
41:51And I also heard bagger yell by the parents to their children when they're playing footy.
41:57Like, hey Timmy, run like baggery.
42:03Run like baggery.
42:04Okay, English is my second language.
42:06But let me say something.
42:07I think that run like baggery is bad syntax.
42:12Because how does baggery run?
42:19It's not, Jimmy, Timmy run like baggery.
42:23It's more like, hey Timmy, run.
42:26There's a baggery.
42:27Or, hey Timmy, run away from the baggery.
42:35So I did what I had to do.
42:37I kept the show clean.
42:39I stay with fuck.
42:42Because fucking, you know.
42:45Thank you so much, guys.
42:46My name is Yohannes.
42:47Good night.
42:50Ladies and gentlemen, Havana Rooster-Gedar.
42:54Thank you, Adam, of course, to all the comedians you saw tonight.
42:58Thank you very much.
43:00I'm Jim Jeffries.
43:01Thanks for watching.
43:02Good night.
43:03Your mullet, that's spectacular, that.
43:06And you've got the tash and everything.
43:08I don't know what you do for a living,
43:09but I assume at around 10 a.m. every morning,
43:11you drink a carton of milk and a vanilla slice.
43:14Am I right?
43:15Stand up at its best.
43:17Oh, missed a bit.
43:18Back up she goes.
43:20Jim Jeffries and Friends, next Thursday, 8.30.
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