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Jim Jefferies and Friends Season 1 Episode 4
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00:00It's time for Jim Jeffries and Friends, starring Aussie legend Dave Hughes,
00:07Hurt Wong, Tom Stade, Lindsay Webb and the outrageous Nicky Britt.
00:15Now, give it up for Jim Jeffries!
00:24Hello everyone! Oh, thank you!
00:30It's good to be here everyone. If you've never seen me before, or you've watched me on the TV doing game shows or whatever, this is what I normally do.
00:38I do mostly stand-up comedy. I do a little bit of TV presenting. I do a little bit of acting.
00:44I'm not particularly good at the acting, but I have a go, right? That's all you can do. You just have a go.
00:50It's not that hard. Like, it's not that hard acting.
00:55Three times a 10-year-old has won an Oscar.
01:00Think about your job. Is there a 10-year-old who's not just as good as you, but what you aspire to be?
01:08Like, if a 10-year-old walked out right now, your confidence in tonight's performance wouldn't be very good, would it?
01:16You'd go, oh, this might be a bit shit.
01:19Yeah, but they have their big awards, the Oscars, and they only reward drama.
01:26You get an Oscar for Best Dramatic Performance, Best Drama.
01:30There's no Best Comic Performance, no Best Comedy, but who has to host the Oscars?
01:38Comedians.
01:40Because they need the show to be entertaining.
01:45Then we make a joke about one of them, and they fucking slap us.
01:48They're terrible people.
01:48And also, the rules of acting has changed at the moment.
01:58No blackface.
01:59Don't do the blackface.
02:01I'm not going to do it tonight.
02:04It's been a last-minute change.
02:06But don't do blackface.
02:11You're not meant to do all the different faces.
02:13One of the ones at the moment is they're trying to, okay, so you're not meant to change your race.
02:19You're not meant to change your sexuality on screen.
02:22So gay people have to play gay.
02:23Heterosexual people have to play heterosexual.
02:26But gay people can play heterosexual.
02:29But can they?
02:34But then there's things like, okay, so getting to PC now, I think they've screwed some people over.
02:40So at the moment, we've got Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs coming out.
02:44Right?
02:45No dwarfs.
02:47They've got rid of the dwarfs because they've decided that this is offensive to dwarfs.
02:55And Snow White's not white anymore.
02:58Like, both things are in the title.
03:03But they got rid of the dwarfs.
03:05They're bringing out a new series of Time Bandits.
03:08Everyone movie Time Bandits.
03:10It had tons of dwarfs in it.
03:13They got rid of the dwarfs.
03:16Hugh Grant just played an Oompa Loompa.
03:21That's not right, that.
03:24He's fucking playing dwarf face.
03:28Like, they were jobs that should have gone to dwarfs.
03:31If I was a dwarf, I would have had it up to here by now.
03:39And it doesn't stop there.
03:44It was all for that punchline.
03:48Like, so you shouldn't play different faces.
03:53You shouldn't play different races.
03:54But this is where I get offended.
03:56Right?
03:58Okay.
03:58Charlize Theron.
04:00Right?
04:00Charlize Theron was in the movie Monsters.
04:02And she's a very attractive lady from South Africa.
04:07I don't know why I added that last bit.
04:12Anyway, so Charlize Theron, she in the movie Monsters,
04:16she played an unattractive person.
04:19Right?
04:20And all they did was take her make-up off
04:22and tease her hair a little bit.
04:24And everyone called her brave.
04:29You know what's brave?
04:32Being ugly every fucking day.
04:40Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
04:42this next comic is a household name in this country.
04:46In fact, Rolling Stone called him one of the 50 living legends
04:50of Australia and New Zealand.
04:52Ladies and gentlemen,
04:54go crazy for Mr Dave Hughes!
05:04Thank you, Jim.
05:06So excited to be here.
05:09So happy Jim called me and said,
05:11do you want to do it?
05:11I said, of course I do.
05:13Because I love stand-up comedy.
05:16Some people have forgotten I'd do it.
05:19Had the comedy festival on recently.
05:22And I was in the city one night during the comedy festival.
05:26Someone came up to me and said,
05:27oh, Sheezy, I love you.
05:30What are you doing in the city?
05:34I said, the comedy festival's on.
05:36They go, oh, who are you seeing?
05:40I've seen myself, because I do stand-up comedy.
05:42I love it.
05:43I've never been this fired up.
05:47I'm the happiest guy in the world.
05:50I think I am.
05:51And I look good too, don't I?
05:53God, I look good.
05:54No, don't give me a clap about that.
05:58It's not easy.
05:59You know, my wife's a lot hotter than I am.
06:01I've been doing that for 20 years.
06:03Bullshit.
06:04So I do tour a lot.
06:05And she gets quite, sort of, when I'm away, she gets annoyed at me.
06:08I know that.
06:09And I don't know how far she'd take her annoyance.
06:13She texted me once when I was in Perth late at night.
06:15She said, I'm a bit sad I'm never going to fall in love with someone again.
06:18I sent a message back, I think you've sent this to the wrong person.
06:23She sent a message back, no, I haven't.
06:25I said, well, you can fall in love with me again.
06:27She said, unlikely.
06:32She stitches me.
06:33I remember once our youngest daughter was about three at the time.
06:36She said, I was away in, I don't know, Brisbane or somewhere.
06:38And she rang me and said, Tess said something funny today.
06:40I said, what did Tess say?
06:42She said, well, well, Tess said, mummy, why don't you have another baby?
06:46And apparently my wife said to our three-year-old, I can't.
06:48Daddy's had an operation.
06:49We can't have any more kids.
06:51Apparently my three-year-old looked at her mother and said, but mum, dad's away.
06:56You can have a baby with someone else now.
06:59Apparently my wife looked at our three-year-old and said, but daddy wouldn't like that, would he?
07:02And they both cracked up laughing.
07:05I've got two daughters, they're 13.
07:07Good on them.
07:08They've been dancing since they were four.
07:11Twice a week.
07:13Have they improved?
07:14I'm not sure.
07:16Best thing about COVID is their concerts were cancelled for two years.
07:23Anyone knows what they're like, they're like hostage situations.
07:26They won't let you out.
07:28You've got to stay there.
07:29You can't just watch your kids act and then leave.
07:32You've got to watch every other bullshit act.
07:35My youngest daughter was crying during her performance one concert for about a minute.
07:38I said afterwards, what happened?
07:39She said, dad, I made a mistake.
07:41I said, who cares?
07:42The whole thing looks like a mistake.
07:46Anyway, no, a bit nervous about that bit.
07:50It's great to be here though.
07:52Lost my license.
07:53That was disappointing.
07:54Again, I look like I'm off my head now.
07:57I'm not.
07:58I've been sober for 30 years.
08:00I have.
08:00I took up vaping and gave that up as well.
08:04God almighty, that was fun.
08:05I hadn't smoked cigarettes since 1992.
08:09About two years ago, someone handed me something that looked like a highlighter.
08:11And they said, suck on that.
08:14I said, aren't I just meant to sniff this?
08:15They said, no, suck on it.
08:17I had no idea what was in there, but my toes started tingling and I thought, I've got myself
08:21a new hobby.
08:22And then I found out it was nicotine and there I am hooked on nicotine again.
08:28I hid it from my family for so long.
08:30That was so stressful.
08:32They're so judgmental.
08:33I took up gardening.
08:35I'm out in the backyard.
08:36They're watching TV and I'm saying, I've got to go out and weed.
08:40Once my son wandered out, I'm vaping out there.
08:42He said, dad, you're vaping, aren't you?
08:44I said, don't tell your mother.
08:47She won't understand.
08:49I said, do you want cash?
08:50And he took the money.
08:52He still told her though, hush money doesn't work.
08:55It's bullshit.
08:56She cracked the shit.
08:58She said, this is a disgrace.
09:00She started Googling, looking for problems.
09:02Google anything, you find problems, don't you?
09:04She came back with vaping causes erectile dysfunction.
09:08I'm like, don't make me choose.
09:11No, we still have a great time sexually.
09:15And the kids need to know.
09:16I hope they're watching this.
09:18We root.
09:19They're old enough to know.
09:22They watch South Park for fuck's sake.
09:25But every night we've got to, oh no, no.
09:26Whenever it happens, oh no, be quiet.
09:29They can't know.
09:29We've got an open door policy to our bedroom.
09:32It's ridiculous.
09:33Seriously.
09:34And we're so quiet.
09:34I'm not good at being quiet.
09:36She's really good.
09:37She's like a zen master.
09:39Sometimes she's so quiet.
09:40I'm thinking, are you asleep?
09:43Is this still consensual?
09:48We've got to say, but it's so quiet.
09:50With the open door policy, though, one night recently, it's dark.
09:53And we're in the middle of it.
09:54And then our daughter just appears beside the bed.
09:57She goes, I can't go to sleep.
09:59What should I think about?
10:00I'm like, turn the light on.
10:01You'll see something you can think about.
10:05But it's been going for so long.
10:08So long.
10:08I remember when our son was young.
10:09I said he's six foot three now.
10:11But I remember running down the corridor one night.
10:13And we're in the middle of it.
10:14All right.
10:15And the door's open.
10:16And he's sprinting towards our bedroom.
10:17He's going, there's really scary noise going on in there.
10:20The noise is freaking me out.
10:22We haven't got time to uncouple.
10:24I'm like, well, what away from the noise?
10:27Haven't I told you never run towards danger?
10:31Go to the backyard.
10:33We're wrestling a bear in here.
10:36He said, Dad, the noise is freaking me out.
10:39I said, stop running.
10:42He said, Dad, I'm coming in.
10:43I said, well, I won't be coming anywhere.
10:45If that's true, you've been great.
10:47Thank you, Dad.
10:52Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dave Hughes.
10:57I was just watching him backstage.
10:59Fuck, he's good.
11:00He's worth every cent that Dave Hughes.
11:04Coming up, Hurt Wong.
11:06Seriously, guys, I'm actually really desperate right now
11:08for love and the visa sponsorships.
11:13So you can find me on Tinder.
11:15I'm Bumble and also Facebook Marketplace.
11:17Don't go away.
11:18There's more of Jim Jefferies and Friends after the break.
11:30Okay, ready for a new performer.
11:32This next performer came from China.
11:35She now calls Melbourne her home.
11:37Please welcome to the stage, Her Hwang.
11:45Hi.
11:46Thank you so much for having me.
11:48Don't worry.
11:49I'm not going to buy your properties.
11:50I'm not going to buy your properties.
11:56Wow, very intense.
11:57Hi.
11:58I was made in China.
12:00Do you have any Chinese in the crowd?
12:02Okay.
12:03I guess it's just those chairs.
12:06Ooh.
12:10Yeah.
12:11I'm from a province called Chongqing.
12:13Have you guys heard about this province?
12:15You know, some of you guys just say,
12:17what the fuck is that?
12:18It's real.
12:20Like, at work, first day,
12:22I introduce myself to my co-workers.
12:25All of them are white.
12:26I'm like, hi, guys.
12:27My name is Her Hwang.
12:28I'm from Chongqing, China.
12:34They were like, what?
12:36I was like, oh, don't worry.
12:38If you don't know how to pronounce my home state,
12:41it's Chongqing.
12:42But it sounds like Chinchong.
12:46But reverse.
12:48Like Chongqing, Chinchong, Chinchong, Chongqing.
12:53Their white face just got whiter.
12:59So fun to watch.
13:01Yeah.
13:02My family, though.
13:03My family.
13:03I love my family.
13:04That's why I left them.
13:07But to be honest,
13:08if you're like me, older than 27,
13:10not married, not dating,
13:11in my small town,
13:13you'll be called leftover ladies.
13:15Yes, it sounds fucking brutal,
13:19but also yummy.
13:21I'm like, come on, guys.
13:26Chinese leftovers.
13:29Who doesn't like Chinese leftovers, right?
13:33We're yummy and cheap.
13:34So please take me home.
13:39Seriously, guys,
13:40I'm actually really desperate right now
13:41for love and Visa sponsorships.
13:45So you can find me on Tinder and Bumble
13:50and also Facebook Marketplace.
13:52still available, still available.
13:59Yeah, I'm actually really, really happy
14:01to be leaving Australia.
14:02It's free.
14:03I love being single,
14:04but I cannot share this with my families, right?
14:07I cannot just be honest with my mom.
14:09I cannot tell her,
14:10hi, mom.
14:11I really, really enjoy being single.
14:13I love swimming in a sea of dicks.
14:18I mean, the yellow dick, brown dick, white dick.
14:22Yum, yum, yum, yum.
14:26I cannot tell her that, you know?
14:29Because I don't want to make her feel jealous.
14:31Yeah, it's really hard to swallow.
14:36Anyway.
14:39Yeah, my mom, my dad, they're so stressed.
14:42On my 30th birthday,
14:43my dad sat me down
14:45and he was so stressed.
14:46And he said,
14:48that's my name.
14:53Can you lower your standards
14:55and get a husband?
14:58I was like, what, dad?
14:59I don't have any standards.
15:01Just like my mom.
15:08Thank you for laughing at my dad.
15:11But don't get me wrong, though.
15:12Me and my dad,
15:13we have a really good relationship.
15:15And you know my dad
15:16is a great Chinese dad
15:18because I am still alive.
15:21Thank you so much, Melbourne,
15:28for having me.
15:31Yeah, lovely dad.
15:32I remember when I first moved out of China
15:34to study overseas in my early 20s,
15:37she was so scared of losing me
15:40over to you guys, her enemies.
15:42She said to me,
15:46she's like,
15:47huh, you can only date
15:48Chinese guys from Mainland, China.
15:50I said, I didn't understand why,
15:51but I didn't challenge her
15:52because I still need her money.
15:56I was like, yes, mom, you're right.
15:58And in my late 20s,
16:00she changed dating to marriage.
16:02And she was like,
16:03huh, you can only marry
16:05a Chinese guy from Mainland, China.
16:07I'm like, why, mom?
16:09Because I got money.
16:10Why, mom?
16:12And she said,
16:12because you love China.
16:15I'm like, what?
16:17I do love China.
16:20If my phone is listening.
16:28But why does my pussy
16:30say, excuse my French,
16:35has to love China as well?
16:38You know, I thought,
16:39what kind of dick we choose
16:41is totally arbitrary, right?
16:43It should be based on the girth,
16:46the length,
16:49and feng shui,
16:50that kind of shit.
16:53Yeah, but she put the idea in my head
16:55and stuck in my head for years.
16:57I still remember the first time
16:59I had sex with a global guy.
17:00I had sex with a global partner.
17:03I felt so guilty.
17:06I felt like I was betraying China.
17:08When I was having sex,
17:10I felt like the whole China
17:11were watching me
17:12getting punished by their enemies, right?
17:17Someone goes like,
17:18what the fuck is that?
17:21Exactly.
17:21It's so weird.
17:22I got so nervous.
17:23I literally whispered
17:24into the guy's ear
17:25and I told him,
17:27forgive me,
17:28cheer my mouth.
17:29I'm in my 30s,
17:32I'm still single,
17:33and I found out
17:34there's a lot of difference
17:35between modern Aussie woman
17:37and modern Chinese woman.
17:39Do you guys reckon?
17:40Like, I have so many
17:41Aussie girlfriends.
17:42I recently found out
17:43all of them
17:44shaved their pussy.
17:46Yeah, do ladies here,
17:49do you guys shave your pussy?
17:50Yeah.
17:51You all look fabulous
17:52and gorgeous.
17:54Do you shave your pussy?
17:56She's like,
17:57I don't want to tell you.
17:59It means you do.
18:02Yeah, I was so surprised
18:04because I didn't know
18:05until one of my Tinder
18:07they told me,
18:08he was like,
18:09your forest
18:12is a little bit dense.
18:18I'm like,
18:18what the fuck do you mean, dude?
18:21This soil is fucking rich.
18:235,000 years of history.
18:28And I sprinkle chicken salt
18:29every day.
18:31It's well nourished.
18:33And it's yummy.
18:34And I was so confused.
18:36I thought all the guys
18:37love the bush.
18:39And I was like,
18:40what's wrong with having a bush?
18:42You just need to come inside
18:43and shout out,
18:44I love China.
18:44But it made me so embarrassed
18:50and I decided to go
18:51de-hair myself
18:52and I asked all my Aussie girlfriends.
18:55They gave me three options.
18:56The first one is razor blade,
18:58which is great
18:59for a comedian salary.
19:02But my only problem
19:04with razor blades
19:05is that when you shave down there,
19:07the grass is going to grow back
19:09really stabby.
19:11I'm like,
19:12I'm in my 30s.
19:13I don't want to get stabbed.
19:14Buy my own pubic here.
19:17That's not a modern woman lifestyle.
19:20And then they recommend me
19:21second option is laser,
19:22which is not good
19:24for comedian salary.
19:25And I went for the third one,
19:27Brazilian wax.
19:29Yeah, have you guys got it?
19:30All the women in the first row?
19:32And she's like,
19:32oh no, fuck no.
19:34If you have never ever
19:35get Brazilian wax,
19:37don't do it.
19:38I don't know how you guys
19:40put yourself through that trauma.
19:41It's so fucking traumatic.
19:43Before that,
19:44I didn't even know
19:45how strong and powerful
19:47those Vietnamese women are.
19:52Until one of them
19:53straight my asshole.
19:57I'm like,
19:57fuck,
19:58are you trying to get back
19:59to me for the war?
20:03One bush for another bush?
20:07You guys be amazing.
20:08Bye.
20:08After the break,
20:15more Jim and his mates.
20:18What part of Scotland
20:19are you from?
20:19The good bit or the shit bit?
20:21Trick question.
20:22There's only one bit.
20:23Do you all have a good COVID,
20:36Australia?
20:37Do you have a good COVID?
20:39I loved COVID.
20:41COVID was a lot of fun.
20:43The time off was worse
20:44for people who died,
20:45of course.
20:45They...
20:46How do you reckon it got here?
20:48Do you remember the original story
20:49of how COVID got to us?
20:51The original story
20:52that the government gave us?
20:53I'm not a conspiracy theorist.
20:54I do know
20:55that's what conspiracy theorists say
20:56before they say a conspiracy.
20:59COVID happened.
21:00We went,
21:00how did this happen?
21:01And all they said to us is,
21:03someone ate a bat.
21:04And we all went,
21:11ah.
21:15Hang on a minute.
21:16Hang on.
21:18COVID got out
21:20the same way
21:20that every fucking thing
21:21happens in this world,
21:23right?
21:25People are shit at their jobs.
21:27Yeah,
21:28what happened was,
21:29there was a guy,
21:29in Wuhan,
21:31there's a laboratory there,
21:33a virus laboratory.
21:34It exists.
21:35I'm not making this up,
21:36right?
21:36Virus laboratory.
21:37And that they were doing
21:38is they were making COVID,
21:41right?
21:41There was a bloke
21:42making a COVID.
21:44He's 19th batch of COVID.
21:48I know it's the year.
21:49I know.
21:50Right?
21:51And so he's got a jar of COVID.
21:56And he's like,
21:57and I won't do the voice.
22:00No,
22:00I'm sensitive to things like that,
22:02so I won't do the voice.
22:04And just to be really safe,
22:06we're going to call him Tony.
22:10So Tony,
22:12the Chinese fella,
22:14had a jar of COVID.
22:16And he looked over at his mate,
22:20we'll call him Pete.
22:24And he walked over and he went,
22:25hey,
22:25Pete,
22:27I've got this jar of COVID
22:29that will either do nothing
22:32or fucking kill you.
22:33Oh,
22:35no.
22:39Oh,
22:39we should invest in masks.
22:44I think that's a very positive comedy routine.
22:50I really do.
22:51I think that's a positive comedy routine
22:53because this virus took a lot of people
22:55and we need to be able to laugh at it.
22:57But there is a silver lining.
23:00This virus was made in China.
23:03Like,
23:05thank God it was.
23:06If it was made in Germany,
23:07you'd all be fucking dating.
23:10There you go.
23:15Ready for our next comedian?
23:18This next comic comes from Canada.
23:21Ladies and gentlemen,
23:22please welcome Tom Steyn.
23:24Wow.
23:34Wow.
23:35So exciting to be here in Melbourne.
23:38Now,
23:39I've been married for 29 years.
23:46I'm going to drag that dead horse
23:48to the finish line
23:49if it fucking kills me.
23:50I got a 28-year-old boy
23:54and a 22-year-old girl.
23:57And listen,
23:57I love the young people nowadays,
24:00man,
24:00I do.
24:01But they're too fucking nice.
24:04They're too nice.
24:05They hold us all fucks
24:06to accountability.
24:08And I'm trying to be a better person.
24:11So I'm trying to drink
24:12and drive a lot less.
24:17But I don't want to
24:19because I'm fucking good at it.
24:23My family got a little worried.
24:26I don't know if this ever happened.
24:28You ever walk into your house
24:29and it's eerily quiet
24:30and you know something's up
24:32and you got a pretty good idea
24:34it's got something to do with you?
24:37You know?
24:38Walked into the house
24:39and they were all in the living room.
24:41There was my mother,
24:42my wife,
24:43and my two kids
24:44just staring at me.
24:46And I'm like,
24:47all right,
24:48I've either forgotten
24:49somebody's birthday party
24:50or we're about to have
24:52an intervention.
24:56And with the severe lack of balloons,
24:58my daughter started it
25:07because she's young.
25:09She goes,
25:09Dad,
25:10Dad,
25:11we're worried about
25:11your drinking and driving.
25:14We're worried about my drinking.
25:15Just my drinking and driving.
25:18So I put my beer down.
25:22Said,
25:23could we speed this up?
25:24I got the car running.
25:27Just picked up the grandkids
25:28from Clown World.
25:30That's when my daughter went,
25:32Dad,
25:32you don't got grandkids.
25:34Like,
25:35what?
25:37Well,
25:37who the hell are these two little guys?
25:39So my daughter,
25:47my daughter,
25:48she downloaded the Uber app
25:50because that's what these kids
25:52live off of.
25:54They love their apps.
25:56Man,
25:56my daughter's got an app
25:58for everything.
25:59She's got an Etsy app,
26:01eBay.
26:02She's got a Starbucks app.
26:03These kids
26:04have never ordered
26:06a Starbucks coffee
26:07in the store.
26:08They order it
26:09three blocks away
26:10while I'm in the store
26:11trying to tell this
26:12my name for the third time.
26:23You know what?
26:25They even got an app.
26:26They even got an app
26:28to count how many
26:29steps they take.
26:31That's what the generation
26:32is about.
26:33How many steps
26:34they take.
26:35Do you know something?
26:36In 1990,
26:38if I knocked on my buddy's door
26:39and went,
26:40hey, Brian,
26:41I just did 5,913 steps today.
26:44You'd go,
26:45that's great, Rain Man.
26:49We are in a weird time.
26:51Like,
26:52like this generation,
26:53get this,
26:54they're scared of words now, man.
26:57I hear things like
26:58trigger word.
26:59Back in the 90s,
27:01if you said trigger,
27:01we said duck.
27:04And this,
27:05this is the only generation
27:07where the younger people
27:09think they can educate
27:10their elders.
27:12I can't even imagine
27:14trying to educate my dad
27:16in 1979.
27:20Fucking,
27:21he'd be driving along,
27:23I'm nine years old,
27:24in a Buick,
27:24fucking no seatbelt on,
27:26bouncing up and down,
27:27window open.
27:28And you think we say
27:29fucked up shit?
27:30You've never heard
27:31of 70s dad.
27:34He would turn around
27:35and say something like,
27:36I think Jimmy Carter's gay.
27:38And I'd be like,
27:39I don't think you could
27:40say that, dad.
27:42Do you know what he'd do?
27:43He'd put his beer down.
27:49Slow the car down
27:50to a stop.
27:51Open the door
27:52and go,
27:52get the fuck out, Tom.
27:54Shut the door
27:55and drive away.
27:56And I'd walk
27:58three miles home
27:59and you know
27:59who got educated that day?
28:01This fucking guy.
28:03Yeah.
28:07Take care of yourself
28:08and I've done it.
28:09Thank you, Jim Jeffries.
28:11I love you dearly.
28:12See you around, guys.
28:15After the break,
28:16Nikki Britton
28:17and the very funny
28:19Lindsay Webb.
28:21We've got two kids.
28:22We made them
28:22the old-fashioned way,
28:23drugs and alcohol.
28:23Yeah, it's funny now
28:26but it costs the same
28:27as IVF, to be honest.
28:39Please welcome
28:40the wonderful
28:41Lindsay Webb!
28:47Oh, good to be here.
28:48Look at you people.
28:49Amazing.
28:50So good to be here.
28:51I started comedy in 1998.
28:53Grew up a sheep station
28:54with cattle.
28:55I just look at myself
28:56and go,
28:56how did I end up here?
28:57It must be some sort of mistake.
28:59And I wouldn't be surprised
29:00if it said,
29:00sorry mate,
29:00you weren't supposed to be on.
29:01What are you doing here?
29:02Because we all make mistakes.
29:03You've made heaps,
29:04I can tell from your tats.
29:08We all make mistakes.
29:09Up until the final year
29:10to an agricultural exam,
29:11I was convinced
29:12that a rotary hoe
29:13was a lady
29:13that has sex for charity.
29:14I know,
29:20you're not making
29:21that mistake twice,
29:21are you?
29:24So you guys married,
29:25you two fellas?
29:26Are you married?
29:26Good on you.
29:27That's alright now,
29:28I voted for it.
29:29I was right behind you.
29:35Actually,
29:36actually not right behind you,
29:37that would...
29:39I would have been voting
29:41for something else,
29:42wouldn't I?
29:42Excuse me while I drink beer.
29:45Does anyone else here
29:45drink beer while they're at work?
29:49Quite a lot of truck drivers
29:50in, isn't there?
29:53Got to wash those pills
29:54down with something.
29:54Oh, fuck,
30:14I'm not even in my truck yet.
30:15Is there any actual truck drivers
30:26in?
30:26I've got a quick question,
30:27what's wrong with the left lane?
30:36I'm glad you guys are married,
30:37I enjoy being married.
30:38Being married has made me
30:39a better human,
30:40if I'm honest.
30:40Like, before I was married,
30:41I could go out
30:42into social situations,
30:44into gatherings,
30:44amongst other people.
30:45And if I said and did things
30:47that upset those people
30:48and I left before
30:49they mentioned it,
30:50I'd never know.
30:58Now that I'm married,
30:59as soon as we leave,
31:00I find out all the things
31:01I've just done wrong.
31:06Sometimes it's information,
31:07sometimes like a full
31:08PowerPoint presentation
31:09in a car on the way back.
31:12It's making me a better person.
31:14And I enjoy being married,
31:15but I like adventures,
31:16I say yes to far too many things.
31:18That's how I ended up
31:18with two kids.
31:20Who's got kids,
31:21give me a cheer.
31:23Who doesn't have kids,
31:24give me a cheer.
31:27Hear the will to live
31:28in that second group.
31:33If you're in that second group
31:34thinking of transitioning
31:35into the first group,
31:37think back to that survey.
31:40And get yourself a fish.
31:44We've got two kids.
31:45We made them the old-fashioned way,
31:46drugs and alcohol.
31:48Yeah, it's funny now,
31:50but it costs the same as IVF,
31:51to be honest.
31:55It's all right,
31:55they're not here.
31:58Don't get me wrong,
31:58they're good kids.
31:59You know,
31:59a little sly off to start,
32:00but they're good kids.
32:04Not great with questions,
32:06but do they know
32:06the flavours of window?
32:07You know, all of them.
32:13I've got two kids,
32:14my son,
32:14he's just recently turned 17,
32:16so he's been learning to drive.
32:17And my daughter,
32:18she's just recently turned 15,
32:19so she's been learning
32:20to breathe fire
32:21with normal words.
32:26I came around the corner
32:27in my own house,
32:28in my own house,
32:28about six months ago,
32:29I came around the corner,
32:30my wife and daughter
32:31were having an argument.
32:32If you've got a wife and daughter
32:33in your house,
32:33you'll probably relate to this.
32:34I came around the corner,
32:35it was one of those arguments
32:36where there's spit
32:37and there's sweat
32:38and everything's like volatile.
32:39I was just in a good mood,
32:40you know,
32:40I just walked around and,
32:41what the?
32:43And for a minute,
32:44you're mesmerised.
32:45You know,
32:45like when you see grandad's
32:46about to back the caravan
32:47into the hutch
32:47and grandma's giving directions,
32:49there's chihuahuas everywhere,
32:50and you think,
32:51I should tell them to stop,
32:52but I want to see this.
32:56Just a little bit intrigued,
32:58you know what I mean?
32:59I stood there for a second
33:00and then I thought,
33:00I don't know what to do.
33:01I thought about getting
33:02a striped shirt and a whistle
33:03and just trying to referee
33:04the whole thing.
33:05But you can't pick sides,
33:06that'd be ridiculous.
33:08And I'm old, right?
33:09This is how I know I'm old.
33:10One night,
33:11I went to bed fine
33:12and I woke up injured, right?
33:13So I don't need...
33:14I don't need extra hassles
33:18in my life.
33:19You point into your partner
33:20and go,
33:20yeah, he's done that before.
33:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:22It happens.
33:23I don't know if you're
33:23sleepwalking or whatever,
33:24but I didn't know what to do
33:26and here's what I did.
33:27I thought,
33:27oh, well,
33:27just ditch your dignity
33:28and get out of here.
33:29And I'm not proud of this,
33:30but here's what I did.
33:31I just looked at them
33:31and went,
33:32oh, oh, oh!
33:36And pretended
33:36that I was about
33:37to shit myself
33:38and just backed away
33:42just looking at my wife.
33:48And it was genius.
33:50It was accidental genius
33:50because when you come back,
33:51you girls are good
33:52at sorting things out.
33:53When I came back,
33:53maybe two, three days later,
33:55everything had just
34:00sorted itself out, right?
34:01Only my wife was like,
34:02where have you been?
34:03I'm like, oh, that was terrible.
34:04I couldn't do that here.
34:04I had to back that
34:08down to the pub.
34:17I do have to get
34:17out of here shortly.
34:18If you've enjoyed
34:19my part of the show,
34:19that's not unusual.
34:20You'll, um...
34:21Now, listen,
34:24just a community service
34:24announcement before I go.
34:25This has been a lot of fun,
34:26but if you've been drinking
34:27and you've had a few too many
34:28and you're thinking,
34:29fuck it, I'll still drive home,
34:30don't do that alone.
34:34I'm organising a race.
34:38Fuck off.
34:39They can't catch all of us,
34:40can they?
34:41I know, it's Lindsay Webb.
34:42Thank you very much.
34:48What a great time.
34:49Thank you, Jim.
34:50Everybody, get involved.
34:52After the break...
34:53I'm trying to be a good person.
34:55You know, I'm doing good things.
34:57I'm taking my reusable bags
34:59to the supermarket.
35:01Not into the shop, obviously,
35:02just in the boot of my car.
35:03More to come
35:04on Jim Jefferies and Friends.
35:15Hello, balcony people.
35:17Hey, look at that.
35:18Look at that.
35:18The fucking...
35:19The Lincoln Boxers,
35:21as I call them.
35:23There's no one on the top balconies.
35:25Oh, yeah.
35:27What are you the generates there for?
35:30How'd you get up so...
35:32I need it for a Saturday, that's why.
35:34Oh, good, good.
35:35Has everyone seen Baby Reindeer?
35:45She fucking won't leave me alone.
35:46What part of Scotland are you from?
35:52The good bit or the shit bit?
35:54Trick question.
35:55There's only one bit.
35:58Now, where are you from in Scotland?
35:59No, they're from Fife.
36:02You're from Fife?
36:03Yeah, St. Andrews.
36:05I know, I know.
36:06Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:07Fife, yeah.
36:08St. Andrews.
36:09Do you golf?
36:11My husband got a hole in one a few times.
36:16That's Scottish for anal.
36:18Did you bring him here?
36:28I assumed you were hiding, sir.
36:30Hello.
36:32How long have you two been married for?
36:35Oh.
36:37Yeah, that's always what happens.
36:38Whenever you see couples,
36:39if you see like an old couple, right?
36:42If you see like an old couple in an audience
36:44and you go,
36:44how long have you two been married for?
36:46And they go,
36:4645 years.
36:49Everyone always applause
36:50because we all like,
36:52how the fuck did they do that?
36:55That's amazing.
36:56How on earth did they do that?
36:59And then I always ask the same question.
37:01What's your secret?
37:04And they always give the same answer, right?
37:07The man goes like this.
37:08Ha.
37:10She's always right.
37:11And then you see him go dead behind the eyes.
37:16No, ladies and gentlemen,
37:18please start going crazy.
37:20Start clapping.
37:20Start hooting and hoering.
37:22Please welcome Nikki Britton.
37:26Hey.
37:27How you going?
37:28How's it going?
37:29You good?
37:31You look fucking terrified.
37:33You're like,
37:33shit, that's a lot of energy.
37:36This is just how much energy
37:37a middle-aged woman can have
37:38if she doesn't have kids.
37:40Ah, thrilled with the choice.
37:42Everyone very fucking quiet.
37:45You've had to pay for a babysitter, have you?
37:46Is that...
37:47Don't worry.
37:48I don't have kids.
37:49I need to be clear about that early
37:51because I look like I've got kids.
37:53Like, people assume.
37:54Thanks, babe.
37:55No, that's true.
37:56You've looked straight at my tits
37:57and that's fair.
37:58That is...
37:59I do.
37:59I look like...
37:59I look like a mum.
38:00I'm giving mum vibes.
38:02I could infiltrate a PNC pretty easily,
38:05you know?
38:06Start putting people on tuck shop duty.
38:08I get it.
38:08That's what I'm giving.
38:10I understand that.
38:11I do have stresses of my own, though.
38:13Even though I don't have kids,
38:14I've got stresses of my own.
38:16Like, I'm trying to be a good person,
38:18you know?
38:18I'm doing good things.
38:20I'm taking my reusable bags
38:22to the supermarket.
38:24Not into the shop,
38:25obviously,
38:25just in the boot of my car.
38:26I drive them there.
38:28Like, they're on a fucking day excursion.
38:30And then I walk in empty-handed
38:31and get to the checkout
38:32and go,
38:32oh, fuck!
38:33And then I buy a new bag,
38:36but it's reusable,
38:37so I'm doing my bit.
38:40Stress.
38:40I've got eco-anxiety.
38:41Does anyone know what eco-anxiety is?
38:44Yeah?
38:44You're nodding?
38:45Yeah?
38:45You get it?
38:46If you don't know what eco-anxiety is,
38:48it's the fear
38:49that everything you've ever bought
38:52or owned,
38:52every purchase you've made
38:54is already all going to
38:56break down into a microplastic
38:57and it's going to lodge
38:58in the stomach of an innocent turtle
39:00somewhere in the Caribbean
39:01and you're just ruining the planet
39:03with every choice you make.
39:05And that's why I only use paper straws,
39:07never plastic.
39:09Tastes like I'm sucking off a scarecrow.
39:13This eco-anxiety,
39:14it kind of came to a head
39:16last year
39:17because you should know
39:18I am single.
39:20What?
39:20How is it possible?
39:21Thank you so much, sir.
39:23And I went to a shop
39:28that might sell me a device
39:30that could alleviate
39:31some of my loneliness.
39:34And I walked into this shop
39:37the way we all walk into an adult store.
39:39As though you've been wafted in
39:41on a strong breeze.
39:42Just like,
39:42oh, I don't...
39:43I don't even know why I'm here.
39:46What are we...
39:47What's that?
39:48Oh, okay.
39:48That's what that is.
39:49Yeah.
39:51And I walked over to the wall of devices
39:53that I was interested in
39:54and I was like,
39:54I don't even know
39:55what they do...
39:57German engineering.
39:59And...
39:59I put that on the counter
40:02and the woman behind the counter
40:04was so centred
40:05and self-assured
40:06and she said,
40:07no, this is a great choice.
40:08You know this comes
40:10in an eco version.
40:12It's made of biodegradable silicon.
40:14Would you be interested?
40:17And I just never
40:18answered her
40:19because I just had
40:20too many questions
40:21all at once.
40:23Like,
40:24when
40:26does it start
40:28to biodegrade?
40:31Should I just buy a potato?
40:33But also,
40:36and most importantly,
40:37where do all the dildos go?
40:41Like,
40:41where do they go?
40:43Where?
40:43No one in here's ever
40:44thrown out a dildo,
40:45have you?
40:45You've never thrown...
40:46You've never been like,
40:46oh, well,
40:47that one's done.
40:48You've never done it.
40:50I know I've never done it.
40:51I'd think about
40:51which bin it went in.
40:52I'd be breaking it down
40:53for recyclable parts.
40:56And yet,
40:57I have far fewer dildos
40:58than I've purchased
40:59in my entire life.
41:00Where do they go?
41:01They get lost
41:02like socks in the wash.
41:05I mean,
41:05I've had some pretty
41:06drunken freaky nights,
41:08but I'm pretty sure
41:09I've got everything out.
41:12Unless I am the turtle.
41:16And I'm just slowly
41:18filling up.
41:19This is an anxiety.
41:21I've been on a three-speed
41:22for ten years.
41:26It's so funny.
41:27Like,
41:27I get this,
41:28sometimes when I tell
41:29that story,
41:30some people come up to me,
41:32men come up to me
41:33and they go,
41:34you wouldn't need
41:36an adult sex toy
41:38if you had a good,
41:39if you had a good penis
41:41in your life.
41:43Oh, bless.
41:45I didn't realise
41:46there was this insecurity,
41:48fellas,
41:48about the dick.
41:50I've got a good dick.
41:52You're worried.
41:53Is it big enough,
41:53thick enough,
41:54long enough,
41:54wide enough?
41:55It's fine.
41:56You've all got beautiful dicks.
41:57Well done on your dicks.
41:58Great dicks.
41:59Well done.
42:01I will speak on behalf
42:02of most of the women
42:03in the room
42:03when I say
42:04we never want
42:06to look at them.
42:07Oh, God.
42:09To us,
42:10they're hideous,
42:11okay?
42:11They serve a purpose.
42:12Get it hard,
42:13stick it in us.
42:13Just don't show it to us.
42:15That's what I'm,
42:16that is not visually
42:17stimulating to us.
42:18No,
42:19that looks like
42:20there's been a catastrophe
42:20at the butcher.
42:21Okay?
42:23It's too much meat.
42:24Wife,
42:24and you go,
42:25eh,
42:26have a look at that.
42:27Meh.
42:27No!
42:28To us,
42:29that looks like
42:29something David Attenborough
42:30found on the bottom
42:31of the ocean.
42:32Okay?
42:33It's like a mollusk
42:34between shells.
42:36Just a lobster
42:37with no orange part
42:38just heaving
42:39its shiny body
42:40across the ocean floor.
42:41How is she single?
42:48Thank you so much,
42:48it's hard to say.
42:50Thank you so much,
42:52guys,
42:52I'm Nikki Britton.
42:52Have a great night!
42:55Ladies and gentlemen,
42:56Nikki Britton.
42:59Did we all have a good talk?
43:03That's all we wanted.
43:04Ladies and gentlemen,
43:05thank you very much.
43:07Good night!
43:11Thank you very much.
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