- 7 hours ago
- #1989
#1989
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00I don't know.
00:00:30Oh, my God.
00:01:00Oh, my God.
00:01:30Oh, my God.
00:02:00Oh, my God.
00:02:29Oh, my God.
00:02:59Oh, my God.
00:03:29Oh, my God.
00:03:59Oh, my God.
00:04:29Oh, my God.
00:04:59Oh, my God.
00:05:29Oh, my God.
00:05:31Oh, my God.
00:05:59Oh, my God.
00:06:29Oh, my God.
00:06:59Oh, my God.
00:07:29Oh, my God.
00:07:59Oh, my God.
00:08:01Oh, my God.
00:08:31Oh, my God.
00:09:01Oh, my God.
00:09:31Oh, my God.
00:10:01Oh, my God.
00:10:31Oh, my God.
00:11:01Oh, my God.
00:11:31Oh, my God.
00:12:01Oh, my God.
00:12:03Oh, my God.
00:12:33Oh, my God.
00:12:35Oh, my God.
00:12:37Oh, my God.
00:12:39Oh, my God.
00:12:40Oh, my God.
00:12:43Oh, my God.
00:12:45Oh, my God.
00:12:48It's pure satisfaction
00:12:52Come on and give me a little action, will you?
00:13:13Cut!
00:13:14That was beautiful, Marissa!
00:13:18Is everything all right?
00:13:20Babe, they only make one word to describe your performance.
00:13:22Simply sensational.
00:13:23That's two words.
00:13:24Right. Right now, I predict that song's going to win a granny.
00:13:27That's a granny.
00:13:28No, dearie. He meant granny.
00:13:31Here you go, Chief.
00:13:33Okay, everybody. It's a wrap.
00:13:39Pardon me. Pardon me.
00:13:40You're Marissa Orlach, right?
00:13:42How did you know my last name?
00:13:43Not even my press agent knows that.
00:13:45I'm Dexter Ward.
00:13:46I've been tracking you down all over L.A.
00:13:48Hey, look, I love my fans, but don't let it get out of control, okay?
00:13:51No, you don't understand.
00:13:53See, I want to talk to you about your father, Marinus.
00:13:55What about my father?
00:13:57Well, you see, my Uncle Ephraim, he's got...
00:13:59Wait, we can talk in here. It's private.
00:14:01Hey, hey, hey, hey, this is the search for the master.
00:14:10Right. It's where they used to film all those old sitcoms.
00:14:14Now, what information do you have about my father?
00:14:17Oh, uh, well, not much, I'm afraid.
00:14:19Apparently, sometime in the late 60s, your father borrowed a one-of-a-kind volume from the Arkham Public Library,
00:14:25the, uh, the Book of Author.
00:14:26Now, supposedly, when translated, this book could open up a doorway to another dimension.
00:14:32What was that?
00:14:34It's one of those old laugh track machines.
00:14:36They used to use it on all these shows.
00:14:39Oh, who's operating it?
00:14:40No one. I think they just forgot to turn it off.
00:14:42But don't worry, it's programmed to laugh at anything.
00:14:43See what I mean?
00:14:47Oh, where was I?
00:14:49Oh, yeah. Anyway, my Uncle Ephraim is the head librarian at Arkham,
00:14:53and he's a little eager to have this particular book returned,
00:14:56so I was kind of hoping you could, uh, give me a current address on your father's.
00:15:00Oh, I was hoping you could give me one.
00:15:02See, my father left when I was quite young.
00:15:04He arranged a Swiss bank account for our support,
00:15:07but neither my mother or I have heard from him in, like, nearly 20 years.
00:15:11I cannot give anything to see him again.
00:15:14Hey, that's not funny.
00:15:17Look, I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.
00:15:21I, uh, I won't bother you anymore.
00:15:25Hello!
00:15:26Holy Captain Video!
00:15:28You must be characters from the future.
00:15:30Let's see, this is where the plot thickens.
00:15:34Telegram, uh, telegram for Marissa Orlach.
00:15:36Oh, I'm Marissa Orlach.
00:15:37Yeah, well, this must be me.
00:15:41Will you come on?
00:15:48What a crouch.
00:15:51Oh, it's from Victor Van Halsing.
00:15:54I don't know anybody by that name.
00:15:56Come immediately to Castle Orlach in Transylvania.
00:16:01I can't.
00:16:05No.
00:16:13My father just died.
00:16:17Look how painful this must be for you.
00:16:19I'm gonna call the travel agency.
00:16:21Reserve tickets for two.
00:16:23Two?
00:16:25For Transylvania.
00:16:31Ladies and gentlemen, we are now beginning our descent into Transylvania.
00:16:37Please fasten your seatbelts and extinguish our port.
00:16:41Thank you for flying Transylvania Airlines.
00:16:49The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of cotton.
00:16:53There is no dying in the red zone.
00:16:55And at the signpost up ahead, the twilight zone.
00:17:01Oh, it's beautiful here.
00:17:03Now what do we do?
00:17:05According to the telegram, we'll go straight to Hansburg.
00:17:07It's a small village just west of here.
00:17:09Got any neat ideas on how to get there?
00:17:11Nope.
00:17:13Okay.
00:17:19We could live here.
00:17:23Taxi!
00:17:25Oh, I'm not sure. We're trying to get to Hansburg.
00:17:27Look, lady, you either want a taxi or you don't want a taxi.
00:17:31There's no skin off my ass either way.
00:17:33Then you're making.
00:17:34You got it, baby.
00:17:35Maxi Field.
00:17:36Big Apple Cab Company.
00:17:37Oh.
00:17:38What are you doing here?
00:17:39Can I help if they give me a bad area?
00:17:41So, hey, I'm not taking a bad deal for my health.
00:17:43You want a ride or not?
00:17:44You got it.
00:17:45Can you take us to Hansburg?
00:17:46I don't usually have to go into that area after dark, but, uh...
00:17:51Hey, a fair's a fair, right?
00:17:53You know what I mean?
00:17:54Hop in.
00:18:02I think it was red, Captain.
00:18:03It'll look too well.
00:18:07Yeah, they're zombies.
00:18:08Forget about them.
00:18:09You get used to it.
00:18:10What?
00:18:11The walking's dead?
00:18:12Hey, New York, you got your junkies here, you got your zombies.
00:18:16What's the difference?
00:18:17They all look like Keith Richards anyway.
00:18:19They don't look particularly efficient.
00:18:24Yeah, they're dead.
00:18:25They're all messed up.
00:18:39Nice scenery around here, hey, folks?
00:18:41You got your miss-shrouded moors, your bleak forests, desolate graveyards.
00:18:46Great place for picnics.
00:18:47You know, you didn't have to come.
00:18:48If I found the Book of Arthur, I could have just sent it to you.
00:18:51You know.
00:18:52You don't mind me being here, do you?
00:18:54No.
00:18:55It's nice to have company.
00:18:57Especially in a place like this.
00:18:59Ah, who knows?
00:19:00Maybe they'll put up a Disneyland here someday.
00:19:03Yeah, I could see it all now.
00:19:04Vampires of the Caribbean, right over there someplace.
00:19:08Hey, did you say that you were a librarian?
00:19:10No, no, no.
00:19:11My uncle's a librarian.
00:19:12I'm just helping him out during a summer vacation.
00:19:14I'm studying pre-med at Arkham University.
00:19:16I was going to be a lawyer, but I couldn't stand a sight of blood.
00:19:19I never finished high school.
00:19:22Oh, really?
00:19:23Uh, despite graduating from high school, Marissa's recording career prevented her from pursuing a higher education.
00:19:30We're doing a little research.
00:19:32Well, at least that much is true.
00:19:35Well, wait a minute.
00:19:36Describe your perfect mate.
00:19:37Yeah, here we go.
00:19:38Tall, handsome, great sense of humor.
00:19:41You sound like anybody you know?
00:19:43Eh, one out of three is that.
00:19:44Sorry about the bumps.
00:19:49Gee, we got better roads in the Bronx.
00:19:51And I still don't understand what a New York cabbie is doing in a place like this.
00:19:55Talking to me?
00:19:56Nobody else here.
00:19:57Must be talking to me.
00:19:58I wanted to get out of the city.
00:20:00Big mistake.
00:20:01You can't even find a decent piece of pizza in this whole damn country.
00:20:07I'll bite.
00:20:08No thanks.
00:20:28You know, we don't seem to be getting the media coverage off what we would.
00:20:31You missed the point, Mr. Mole.
00:20:33We be stopping any unauthorized grave robbers from sneaking in and nipping the old gentleman inside.
00:20:39Aye.
00:20:40And selling him to those medical chaps for a measly ten bob.
00:20:43Ten bob doesn't sound so bad here and now.
00:20:46We could buy another bottle.
00:20:48Help us keep warm.
00:20:49Oh, that we could, Mr. Sweeney, that we...
00:20:52Be ye suggesting we cross our own picket line?
00:20:54Aye.
00:20:55That I be, Mr. Mole.
00:20:57Did you bring your tools with you?
00:20:59Would a good union man be without his tools or trade?
00:21:08Always a pleasure to see a professional at work, Mr. Sweeney.
00:21:13Why, thank you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:16You've got these bloody alarms on everything these days.
00:21:21Off to you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:23Off to you, Mr. Sweeney.
00:21:27I'm thinking that we'd be saving him from being stabbed by someone who ain't in our unit.
00:21:39I'm sure he'd be appreciating that fact, Mr. Mole.
00:21:43Don't go out of here.
00:21:44Help me!
00:21:45No!
00:21:46No, no, please!
00:21:47No!
00:21:48No!
00:21:49No!
00:21:52No!
00:21:55No!
00:21:56No!
00:21:57No, please!
00:21:58Yes!
00:22:00No!
00:22:03No!
00:22:04Oh my God!
00:22:13Oh my God!
00:22:17Oh my God!
00:22:23Oh my God!
00:22:29Oh my God!
00:22:45Thank God!
00:22:49Thank God?
00:22:52Thank God I got him before dinner.
00:22:58Thank God.
00:23:05This place looks worse than an Italian girl.
00:23:12Oh, this place looks worse than an Italian girl.
00:23:18Oh!
00:23:20Oh my God!
00:23:23Oh, this place looks worse than an Italian belly.
00:23:30Pardon me. Pardon me.
00:23:32Here's a lovely place you got here, but, um,
00:23:35how can you find all this garlic?
00:23:38Excuse me.
00:23:41Excuse me.
00:23:46Um, can somebody tell us how to get to Castle Orlov?
00:23:53I don't think they've heard of it.
00:24:06Perhaps I can help you.
00:24:08I am the chief constipate.
00:24:10Hello there. My name is Dexter Ward.
00:24:12Hans Hopp.
00:24:14No, no, that's my name.
00:24:16Oh, I see. Hopp. Hans Hopp.
00:24:18All right. Now, hands down.
00:24:20Yes, what is it?
00:24:21I'm not talking to you, Hans. I'm talking to him.
00:24:24That's Hans Down, our local undertaker.
00:24:27Well, constable, with all these similar names,
00:24:29you must have your hands full.
00:24:30Yes. Knew it.
00:24:33Well, perhaps you can help us, constable Hopp.
00:24:37Perhaps.
00:24:38That would be your business at Castle Orlov.
00:24:41Well, you see, my name is Marissa Orlov,
00:24:43and my late father lived there.
00:24:45Oh.
00:24:46Somehow I don't think Dad was the president
00:24:49of the local Kiwanis club.
00:24:51Oh, stop it.
00:24:52You don't mean to say you're Marissa Orlov's daughter.
00:24:56Yes.
00:24:57Yes, you don't mean to say it?
00:24:58No, I do mean to say it.
00:25:00Let me rephrase this.
00:25:01Are you not Marissa Orlov's daughter?
00:25:03Yes.
00:25:04Yes, you are not.
00:25:05No, yes, I am.
00:25:06You can't put it another way.
00:25:08Let's make this simple.
00:25:09This is Marissa Orlov.
00:25:10I'm Dexter Ward.
00:25:11We're looking for Castle Orlov,
00:25:13and we're all here to play Super Password.
00:25:16Young lady,
00:25:17I seriously suggest that you stay away from the castle.
00:25:21It has been boarded up since your father's death.
00:25:24There's no one up there now.
00:25:27At least,
00:25:28no one
00:25:29alive.
00:25:33Who's playing that rock?
00:25:38Well, that's nonsense.
00:25:40I received a telegram stating that my Uncle Byron had already arrived there.
00:25:44He's back.
00:25:46Byron Orlov is back.
00:25:48Now no one will be safe.
00:25:49Not our wives, our children, our mistresses.
00:25:52And he's coming in on the new train.
00:25:55Hey, wait a minute.
00:25:57I'm in the wrong movie.
00:25:59You're not telling me that Byron Orlov is back.
00:26:02No, no, wait a minute.
00:26:03Don't start that again.
00:26:05What's wrong with everybody?
00:26:07Wrong?
00:26:08Nothing is wrong, young man.
00:26:10You must make allowances.
00:26:12These are but superstitious peasants,
00:26:14afraid of their own shadows.
00:26:20You see what I mean?
00:26:22There is much to fear in the shadows.
00:26:27And even more to fear
00:26:29from vampires.
00:26:37Vampires?
00:26:38There were legends many years ago, but fairy tales to frighten children.
00:26:47Tell me, constable, where do legends end and facts begin?
00:26:50What is the shadowy boundary between science and superstition?
00:26:53And how can you tell the groom at a Polish wedding?
00:26:56I'm afraid you have made a loss.
00:26:59Aha!
00:27:00I thought as much.
00:27:02You are Marissa Orlov?
00:27:03Yes.
00:27:04I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing.
00:27:05It was I who sent you that telegram.
00:27:07My car.
00:27:08For a good time call, Victor Van Helsing.
00:27:12Vampire hunter.
00:27:14I don't understand.
00:27:15I've been awaiting your arrival.
00:27:16You may share my coach.
00:27:17Oh, wait, wait.
00:27:19Why are we...
00:27:21Vade, my son.
00:27:23I once had a boy just like you.
00:27:26Here, take this.
00:27:27He will protect you from evil.
00:27:29Thanks.
00:27:31Wait a minute, buddy.
00:27:32That'll be a buck seventy-five.
00:27:34Oh, man.
00:27:42You know my father?
00:27:45Marissa and I were colleagues.
00:27:47Many years ago.
00:27:48Then something happened and I never saw him again.
00:27:51A few days ago I learned that he had died and I had been named executive of the estate.
00:27:54And that's when you contacted me?
00:27:55Correct.
00:27:56You and your uncle are the only two known living heirs.
00:27:59I believe Lord Byron and his family are already at the castle.
00:28:02Come.
00:28:02Okay.
00:28:06Dexter, what took you so long?
00:28:08The old lady in the gift shop, if you must know.
00:28:11Here.
00:28:11This might come in handy.
00:28:13Does this name have gone steady?
00:28:14Driver?
00:28:16Driver!
00:28:46I don't care what anyone says. This hurts.
00:29:05Are you really a vampire hunter? Is that card some kind of joke?
00:29:09Young lady, I never joke about vampires.
00:29:13No way, are we talking about furry flying bats?
00:29:17We are speaking of the undead.
00:29:19Undead? What do you mean, not alive?
00:29:21They are neither dead nor alive.
00:29:23Sounds like my agent.
00:29:24I am referring to the evil spirits who inhabit the bodies of the deceased.
00:29:27They arise from their coffins to feed upon the blood of the living.
00:29:31That's my agent, all right.
00:29:32I've made the eradication of these creatures my life's work.
00:29:35So, uh, there's a lot of money in this stuff?
00:29:37I was always encouraged to uphold the family tradition, even as a child.
00:29:41Victor, what's happening?
00:29:43I don't know. Either the projectionist is falling asleep,
00:29:45or Van Helsing's having a flashback.
00:29:47Hmm.
00:29:52Merry Christmas, young Victor.
00:29:54Thanks, Dad. This is just what I wanted.
00:30:05Of course, vampire hunting has its moments of tension, even for a small boy.
00:30:10Victor. Victor Van Helsing.
00:30:13Yes, Mrs. Caldwell?
00:30:15Are you responsible for that?
00:30:23Yes, Mrs. Caldwell.
00:30:25Bring it here.
00:30:34Now, I want you to write on the blackboard.
00:30:36I will not stake vampires in glass.
00:30:39And I want you to do it 50 times.
00:30:42Another flashback?
00:30:43Don't worry. I think it's the last one.
00:30:45Oh, good.
00:30:46Gosh, Betty Lou, I really like you.
00:30:49And I really like you, Victor.
00:30:51You're not like the other girls.
00:30:53I was wondering when you'd get around to noticing that.
00:30:56Somehow, you're more mature than the others.
00:30:59Well, I am 19.
00:31:0119?
00:31:02But that's not old.
00:31:041900.
00:31:06That's old.
00:31:09Perhaps we ought to start back home.
00:31:11It is getting rather late.
00:31:12Later than you think, Victor.
00:31:15Please.
00:31:16No hickeys.
00:31:17Don't worry, Victor.
00:31:18I'll still respect you in the morning.
00:31:21I think we both need a drink first.
00:31:24Perhaps you're right.
00:31:25It may help to warm our blood.
00:31:28Ladies first.
00:31:31Holy Water.
00:31:33Don't leave home without it.
00:31:34From that time onward, I've dedicated my life to scourging the earth of this evil.
00:31:53Wow, they really do exist.
00:31:55I assure you, they exist.
00:31:57In fact, there's been a recent epidemic of vampirism in this vicinity.
00:32:00I destroyed one such creature before you arrived this evening.
00:32:04Maybe you could mail me that book.
00:32:07Now, you two have nothing to fear while under my protection.
00:32:09I may be kindly Dr. Van Helsing to you, but to the undead, I am the son of Sam.
00:32:16Frightened?
00:32:17Me?
00:32:19You don't really expect me to swallow that, do you?
00:32:21I swallowed it.
00:32:22Hey, come on, Miss Maris.
00:32:24We're riding here in the beautiful, colorful countryside, being pulled by a horse-drawn carriage.
00:32:29Moonlight.
00:32:30What could be more romantic?
00:32:31High noon on the Mojave Desert.
00:32:33Listen.
00:32:34The hills are alive with the sound of music.
00:32:40He's gonna sing, folks.
00:32:41Time at that snack bar.
00:32:43Next, you're not gonna sing.
00:32:44Uh-huh.
00:32:45But why throw a light-hearted song in in a town like this?
00:32:48Listen.
00:32:49Let me tell you all about it.
00:32:51Take one grand little melody.
00:32:54Write some cutesy lyrics and just paste them together now.
00:32:58Oh, wow.
00:32:59Think of the royalties I'm making.
00:33:03Wooooo!
00:33:06And in a bit, yeah.
00:33:09I'll have a hit, yes up.
00:33:12And you can bet I'll sell cassettes and CDs.
00:33:19Hey there, I'll write some DJs.
00:33:23And this little song of mine will climb up the charts now.
00:33:27Oh, wow, think of the royalties I'm making.
00:33:32making. Who cares if it's good or not? It doesn't matter really. Kids will buy anything, then charge it today.
00:33:49Do you get very many girls that way? No, but it kills three minutes. Castle Warlock, just ahead.
00:34:19Castle Warlock, just ahead.
00:34:49All right, girls. It's party time.
00:34:56Whoop, whoop, whoop. Castle Warlock, everybody out.
00:35:03Whoop, whoop, whoop. Castle Warlock, everybody out.
00:35:10Hey. Oh, man.
00:35:15Well, you're getting no tips from me. What's he feeding those horses?
00:35:22What frightened himself?
00:35:24It's as if a blight had settled over this land. Notice the singular lack of vegetation, the scarcity of animal life, the absence of major league sporting events.
00:35:30It's not much of a castle, really. Sure it's the best they could afford on a budget.
00:35:37Come on.
00:35:52Maybe it's bingo night. Perhaps they can't hear us.
00:36:10Don't be ridiculous. We're making enough noise to raise the dead. You must leave this place at once.
00:36:18Look, I assure you, we are not Jehovah's Witnesses.
00:36:21Lord Byron left strict instructions that he was to receive no visitors.
00:36:25Nonsense. I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing, and I'm expected.
00:36:28And I'm Marissa Orlach, and I'm also expected.
00:36:30And you?
00:36:31Oh, I'm Dexter Ward. I'm along for the comedy relief.
00:36:34That's a matter of opinion.
00:36:36And what is your name, my good man?
00:36:38Stefan, sir.
00:36:39Well, Stefan, sir, I insist you show us inside.
00:36:42There. That's what it looks like.
00:36:44I meant escort us in.
00:36:47Very well. Let it be on your heads.
00:36:50Let what be on our heads?
00:36:53End.
00:36:55Oh, my goodness.
00:36:58Would you ever look at this place?
00:37:00You suppose our interior decorator is among the living?
00:37:03Ivan announced you to Lord Byron.
00:37:06I never met my uncle Esma.
00:37:09As a matter of fact, I didn't even know I had him.
00:37:12I never met my uncle Esma.
00:37:14I never met my uncle Esma.
00:37:16As a matter of fact, I didn't even know I had him.
00:37:19I never met my uncle Esma.
00:37:22I never met my uncle Esma.
00:37:24I didn't even know I had one until I received your telegram.
00:37:27Well, I never met him either.
00:37:28But I understand he was the black sheep of the family.
00:37:31He was supposedly expelled from kindergarten for extreme brutality.
00:37:34Yeah, I think I went to school with him.
00:37:36According to Marinus, he banished Byron from the castle some time ago.
00:37:40Apparently, they had a violent disagreement over one particular book.
00:37:43A book?
00:37:44You don't have to recall the title, do you?
00:37:46Well, my memory is not quite what it used to be.
00:37:48But it was either the book of Ulthar or the latest Jackie Collins novel.
00:37:52Does anybody know what happened to it?
00:37:54I would imagine both volumes are somewhere still here in the castle.
00:37:58Did you hear that, Marissa?
00:38:00Marissa?
00:38:10Marissa, it's you.
00:38:11No.
00:38:12That's not me.
00:38:13I'm standing here.
00:38:14That's a painting of me.
00:38:15Must be an ancestor of mine.
00:38:17I wonder who she is.
00:38:19I don't know.
00:38:20But I doubt she had trouble finding a date on a Saturday night.
00:38:23Dexter, don't you know better than to put your hand on someone's shoulder in a spooky place like this?
00:38:44I'm sorry.
00:38:45I just wanted to show you something.
00:38:46Well, there are any number of ways of attracting one's attention.
00:38:49Damn, I hate cheap sharks like that.
00:38:51Come on, you gotta check this out.
00:38:53Marissa just discovered something that I...
00:39:01God, I dream of combinations like that.
00:39:04Marissa, come forward, dear cousin.
00:39:09We want to give you a kiss.
00:39:11Yes, dear cousin, come closer.
00:39:15I want to give you a big, wet, gooey one.
00:39:21Marissa!
00:39:22Look out!
00:39:23Oh, my lord, I could have been killed.
00:39:24That chandelier's probably been hanging there over a hundred years.
00:39:38If the moment one of us steps underneath, it falls.
00:39:42All I remember is staring at the portrait and then...
00:39:50Well, look at me.
00:39:51They're your relatives.
00:39:52I see the chandelier has fallen again.
00:39:56It always does that, when we have guests.
00:40:05Lord Orlark?
00:40:06I am Byron Orlark.
00:40:08And you are welcome in my home.
00:40:11Yes, we've met your welcoming committee.
00:40:14Legally, the point of ownership has yet to be established.
00:40:17I am Dr. Victor Van Helsing, executive of your brother's estate.
00:40:21Then you have Marissa's last word and testament.
00:40:25Along with specific instructions concerning his funeral arrangements.
00:40:29An honor, sir.
00:40:31And you are Marissa?
00:40:32Yes.
00:40:33The family resemblance is truly astonishing.
00:40:36My condolences to you at this time, my dear.
00:40:42But I don't seem to recognize this young man.
00:40:45This is Dexter Ward, Uncle Byron.
00:40:47He's a friend.
00:40:48Of anyone in particular?
00:40:50Or just generally well-liked?
00:40:55Lord Orlark, we were just remarking on the amazing similarity...
00:40:58...between Marissa and the lady in that portrait.
00:41:02Ah.
00:41:03The first Marissa Orlark.
00:41:05You are her namesake, my dear.
00:41:08I was hoping to find out more about my father, Uncle Byron.
00:41:11Well, there's not very much to tell.
00:41:13There was always a great deal of animosity between us.
00:41:16Even as a child, Marissa disapproved of my torturing small animals.
00:41:25Come now.
00:41:26You've had a long and tiring journey, no doubt.
00:41:30Permit me to show you to your rooms.
00:41:33Jesus.
00:41:35Did you and my father ever straighten out your differences?
00:41:39Even towards the end, we didn't get along particularly well.
00:41:43His last letter to me began,
00:41:45Dear Shithead.
00:41:48Sorry to hear that.
00:41:49You were born into a most remarkable family, my dear.
00:41:54These are but a few of our illustrious ancestors.
00:41:58This is Roderick Orlark.
00:42:01Thief.
00:42:02Drug addict.
00:42:03Professional assassin.
00:42:04And part-time used car sales.
00:42:14And this is Lenore Orlark.
00:42:16Blackmailed.
00:42:18Horlant.
00:42:20Murderous.
00:42:21And two-time president of the local PTA.
00:42:24She died in the madhouse.
00:42:29Is that hereditary?
00:42:34And surely this must be the best of the lot.
00:42:36Hans Orlark.
00:42:37Hans Orlark.
00:42:39Sodomist.
00:42:40Incest.
00:42:42Pedophile.
00:42:43And member of the Nixon administration.
00:42:51I wax nostalgia.
00:42:54Stefan!
00:42:56Yes, my lord.
00:42:59Where'd he come from?
00:43:01Stefan automatically materializes whenever he's needed.
00:43:05I've never figured out quite how.
00:43:08Trade secret, my lord.
00:43:10Stefan, gather their luggage and take it to their room.
00:43:15Yes, my lord.
00:43:18He dematerializes the same way.
00:43:22Totally perplexing.
00:43:25Come with me.
00:43:28You'll have a few hours to freshen up before the service.
00:43:31Services?
00:43:33For your father,
00:43:34Marinus Orlark's funeral will be held down the stairs.
00:43:37Precisely.
00:43:39At midnight.
00:43:47And it is a commonly held misconception that the undead can transform themselves into bats.
00:43:51Pure nonsense.
00:43:52True, they can change into frogs, flounders, aardbarks, pelicans, baboons, and warthogs.
00:43:55But never bats.
00:43:58I say.
00:44:02Say you'll help me.
00:44:03I must leave this place.
00:44:04You're my only hope.
00:44:05Young woman, what seems to be the matter?
00:44:07It's Lord Orlark.
00:44:08He keeps me locked in this castle.
00:44:10He's taken everything away.
00:44:12My freedom.
00:44:13My vibrator.
00:44:14My traveler's checks.
00:44:15And I'll bet they weren't American Express.
00:44:16Oh, you must help me.
00:44:17You're my only hope.
00:44:18You must.
00:44:19There, there.
00:44:20You're my only hope.
00:44:21You must.
00:44:22There, there.
00:44:23There, there.
00:44:25There, there.
00:44:26There, there.
00:44:27There.
00:44:28I told you once I told you a thousand times no between-meal snacks I go to your room you're
00:44:48grounded my apologies doctor my daughter sometimes becomes overly agitated you see
00:45:00we do not get too many visitors to the castle difficult to imagine why Lord
00:45:07Orlark hmm you have something on your mouth too much ketchup on my french fries
00:45:34what is the meaning of this intrusion I'm sorry I'm I'm looking for Marissa Orlark
00:46:04does that give you the right to burst into my room unannounced no no I apologize
00:46:09for hey wait a minute you're you're Boris Karloff aren't you yes sure I just I just
00:46:18saw you in that movie with with Jack Nicholson the um the terror forgive me
00:46:23for reviving painful memories nobody's seen or heard of you since 1969 20 years I've lived here alone you're
00:46:36kidding me that drive me crazy you think I'm mad don't you no no hey I've only been here an hour in the
00:46:47spook house and and I'm already starting to go looney towns perhaps we're both mad maybe I gotta go
00:46:58get out of course try and get out more
00:47:01so that's how they made all those movies
00:47:15so
00:47:20Oh, my God.
00:47:50Oh, my God.
00:48:20Oh, my God.
00:48:26Well, no one ever said I was handsome, ma'am.
00:48:29What are you doing here?
00:48:30Merely standing here ominously, ma'am.
00:48:33Does that displease you?
00:48:35I didn't hear you come in.
00:48:36Don't you believe in announcing yourself?
00:48:38Oh, very well.
00:48:38Well, here's seven.
00:48:42Well, what do you want, then?
00:48:44Oh, yes.
00:48:45Lord Byron sent me with some good news and some bad news.
00:48:49Oh, what's the bad news?
00:48:51Master Marius is still dead.
00:48:54Well, what's the good news?
00:48:55There is no good news, ma'am.
00:49:00Come, Melissa.
00:49:30I would like you to meet my family.
00:49:33These are my adopted daughters, Patti, Maxine, and Laverne.
00:49:43We've met.
00:49:44Now, for a final tribute to Marius,
00:49:49Stéphane will play his favorite musical recording.
00:49:53Hit it.
00:49:54Yeah, I'll play.
00:49:56Crank theble!
00:49:57I love him!
00:50:05I love you!
00:50:05I love you!
00:50:07I love you!
00:50:09I love you!
00:50:11I love you, too!
00:50:14I love you, too!
00:50:16Come forward to me, não, euvocai costum시는 a chance.
00:50:18The field of life is standard Holdings sisters.
00:50:19Who is groot?
00:50:20This is heart Great Разwide,
00:50:22It's an old family custom.
00:50:42Now, if the doctor and your young friend will assist Stefan and I, we'll take the coffin
00:50:49below.
00:50:50Below?
00:50:51Yes, all the Orloks are interred in the family crypt beneath the castle.
00:50:58Where else?
00:51:03I don't like this.
00:51:10What's that?
00:51:19A rubber bat.
00:51:21We keep them down here for atmosphere.
00:51:24Put it up, Igor.
00:51:26Hey, what's that noise?
00:51:29Rubber rats, no doubt.
00:51:31No, it's coming from inside the coffin.
00:51:34Muscular contractions, not uncommon after death.
00:51:38Muscular contractions?
00:51:40This guy's doing the chain found a workout in here.
00:51:43Allow me to assure you, Marinus Orlok is dead.
00:51:47Oh, you've assured me.
00:51:49Now, why don't you try convincing him?
00:51:51As I was saying, Marinus has taken his place with the rest of our family.
00:51:58And now I await my turn to share their endless nights of eternal darkness.
00:52:06See, it's a little like looking forward to Christmas, isn't it?
00:52:12Now, in accordance with your father's last wish, we shall view the will.
00:52:16You?
00:52:17Apparently, Marinus videotaped his last will and testament.
00:52:20I suppose you might call it the late show.
00:52:33You know, call me frivolous, but you ever wonder what a nice Peruvian tile would look like in here?
00:52:39Maybe not.
00:52:51Hello!
00:52:52I, Marinus Orlok, being of sound mind and in full possession of my mental faculties,
00:52:59herewith declare my last will and testament.
00:53:03But let this not be a somber occasion.
00:53:07Oh, come on, kiddies!
00:53:09Let's have some fun!
00:53:11Woah!
00:53:13Hooray!
00:53:14The two airs will compete for a fortune in dance and prizes on the newly dead games!
00:53:21And now, here is your host for the newly dead games, the late but irrepressible Marinus Orlok.
00:53:28Hey Marinus, come on down!
00:53:32Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:53:34Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you friends and
00:53:42heirs. But first, let us meet our two contestants. That's right, Marinus. She's a singer, musician,
00:53:49and composer living in Los Angeles, California. Let's hear it for Marissa Orlach.
00:53:56Contestant number two currently resides in Transylvania. His hobbies include stamp collecting,
00:54:02leather craft, and necrophilia. Ladies and gentlemen, Byron Orlach.
00:54:10Now I know that Marissa and Byron are both in our viewing audience tonight. So let's take a look at
00:54:17their wonderful prizes. It's a castle. Yes, it's Castle Orlach, one of the most dreaded places on
00:54:24earth. This stately matter comes complete with antique furnishings and an ancient family curse.
00:54:29But wait, that's not all. You'll also receive this Swiss bank account. Total retail value of this
00:54:35wonderful prize, seven and a half million dollars. And now it's time for you right here in our studio
00:54:44audience to pick the winner with your applause. Ladies and gentlemen, who will receive this fabulous
00:54:52estate? Is it to be contestant number one, Marissa? Or will it be contestant number two?
00:55:05And the winner is Marissa Orlach.
00:55:09But no one walks away a loser. Johnny, tell Byron about his consolation prize.
00:55:18It's a matching set of Transylvanian tourister luggage. Yes, Byron, you'll probably have to leave the castle now.
00:55:25So here are the bags to send you on your way.
00:55:27And everyone will receive a copy of our home game for playing with family and friends.
00:55:34That's the newly dead game from Parker Bradley, Inc. And now on to our bonus round.
00:55:42Hidden somewhere in the castle, some lucky viewer may find the Book of Ulta.
00:55:49Is that a book? Now let's take a look at our bonus prize clue.
00:55:55If anyone in our viewing audience can solve the mystery clue, the Book of Ulta could be yours.
00:56:06And that's all our time tonight on the newly dead game.
00:56:12For now, this is your host, Marissa Orlach saying goodnight and goodbye, kiddies!
00:56:18Oh, Uncle Byron, I can tell you're upset.
00:56:33Congratulations, my dear.
00:56:35I know you'll be quite happy at Castle Orlach.
00:56:40As long as you live.
00:56:42I will have that book.
00:57:00He didn't take that very well, did he?
00:57:02Oh, hell, I don't even want this place. Uncle Byron can have it.
00:57:05I think he was a little more concerned about the Book of Ulta.
00:57:08Then I'd say it's imperative you get your hands on that book before he does.
00:57:12Oh, right. I only have three little problems, pal.
00:57:16One, I don't know where it is.
00:57:17Two, I don't know where to look.
00:57:19And three, I have no idea what that clue meant.
00:57:21Then perhaps we should ask someone who does.
00:57:26Marinus Orlach himself.
00:57:28The spirit world is trouble tonight.
00:57:47This seance could be dangerous.
00:57:49Do you think we'll be able to reach my father?
00:57:50Perhaps. Can't you feel it?
00:57:53Death is nearby.
00:57:56Do we have to do this now?
00:57:57I think the night rates are lower.
00:57:59Everyone, join hands.
00:58:02With each other.
00:58:07Now everyone, concentrate.
00:58:10Oh, spirit world, we reach out for you.
00:58:13Do you wish to receive us?
00:58:15If so, give us some sort of sign.
00:58:20I think that's a no.
00:58:23Maybe.
00:58:26But we must press on.
00:58:28Oh, spirit world, we seek audience with Marinus Orlach.
00:58:32Send us a guide that we may find him.
00:58:34What's he doing?
00:58:39He's channeling.
00:58:42Wait a minute.
00:58:44Wrong channel.
00:58:46This is ridiculous.
00:58:48This is absolutely absurd.
00:58:49Doctor, who have we reached?
00:58:55Well, it ain't Howard Hughes, ma'am.
00:58:57Are you our guide to the spirit world?
00:58:59Uh-huh.
00:59:00That's right, sir.
00:59:02Just a couple of things I want to get out right up front.
00:59:04Speak, spirit.
00:59:05Well, first of all,
00:59:06I just found out all my money's still good up here,
00:59:08so have RCA send all my back royalties to me.
00:59:10And second,
00:59:11tell them gumsuckers at the Enquirer
00:59:12that I really am dead.
00:59:13I go through circulation.
00:59:15Wait a minute.
00:59:17Wait a minute.
00:59:18I feel the spirit.
00:59:20It's a little stronger than the rest.
00:59:21I'm fading away.
00:59:23I'm fading away.
00:59:24I can feel myself fading away.
00:59:27And don't forget to keep buying my arms.
00:59:29And now,
00:59:31the end.
00:59:37Ladies and gentlemen,
00:59:38Elvis has left the body.
00:59:45Marissa?
01:00:01Marissa, are you okay?
01:00:02Keep away!
01:00:04Marissa, what's wrong?
01:00:05Your mother sells socks and health.
01:00:07My mother does what?
01:00:09She's obviously possessed.
01:00:11You're right, Doc.
01:00:12I haven't seen anything like this
01:00:13since they canceled Star Search.
01:00:32Well,
01:00:32that does it for this jacket.
01:00:38Cream the mint.
01:00:39Dexamonite,
01:00:42are you all right?
01:00:44Never felt better.
01:00:47Marissa?
01:00:48Marissa,
01:00:49are you okay?
01:00:50I am
01:00:51the Lady Marissa.
01:00:54Her ancestor?
01:00:56What do you want with Marissa?
01:00:57Byron Orlok
01:00:58must not gain possession
01:00:59of that book.
01:01:01I alone
01:01:02have the power
01:01:02to challenge him.
01:01:04This body
01:01:04shall serve
01:01:05as my dwelling.
01:01:07I think
01:01:08it's already occupied.
01:01:09Fall!
01:01:09Fall!
01:01:11You know
01:01:12not what horrors
01:01:13you face.
01:01:14The evil one
01:01:15waits beyond.
01:01:16Beyond where?
01:01:18The evil one
01:01:19waits
01:01:20beyond.
01:01:25Quickly!
01:01:25We must perform
01:01:26an emergency exorcism!
01:01:27What?
01:01:27Fortunately,
01:01:27I took that
01:01:28in my first aid class.
01:01:29And I wasted time
01:01:29on mouth-to-mouth
01:01:30resuscitation.
01:01:31Hold it tightly, lad.
01:01:32Evil spirit.
01:01:34I cast you out!
01:01:35Be gone.
01:01:36Depart.
01:01:37Withdraw.
01:01:37Take off.
01:01:38Get lost.
01:01:38Get the lid out.
01:01:38Hit the road, Jack.
01:01:39I'm scray!
01:01:42Marissa?
01:01:43What happened?
01:01:44Oh, not much.
01:01:45We just met
01:01:46another family member,
01:01:47and that's all.
01:01:47I don't understand.
01:01:49Come, Dexter.
01:01:49She needs rest.
01:01:51We could all use
01:01:51a little sleep.
01:01:52Sleep?
01:01:53In this place?
01:01:55It's all the same
01:01:55to you, Jack.
01:01:56I think I'll stay here
01:01:57and watch the rest
01:01:58of Carson.
01:01:59It's getting a little weird,
01:02:01a little strange.
01:02:01What's going on
01:02:09up at that cursed castle?
01:02:11Tell me that!
01:02:12No one knows.
01:02:13No one wants to know.
01:02:14I want to know.
01:02:16Gentlemen!
01:02:17Gentlemen!
01:02:18Byron Orlark
01:02:20is in that castle,
01:02:21and he's brought
01:02:22death and destruction
01:02:23with him.
01:02:24Now,
01:02:25Orlark can stay,
01:02:26but death and destruction
01:02:27have got to go.
01:02:29God knows
01:02:32what unholy rites
01:02:33he's performing there.
01:02:34Meanwhile,
01:02:35we sit here like sheep.
01:02:38All this evil must end.
01:02:40What do we do about it?
01:02:42Let him go on
01:02:43with his black magic,
01:02:44or send him back
01:02:46to the hell
01:02:46he came from?
01:02:48Can we put that
01:02:49to a vote?
01:02:50Oh, why bother?
01:02:51They're all in this together,
01:02:52those Americans
01:02:53and that Van Helsing fellow.
01:02:54I say we go up there,
01:02:56destroyed by the Orlark,
01:02:58burn down the castle,
01:02:59and kill everyone inside.
01:03:01Yeah!
01:03:03Wait a minute.
01:03:05I'd rather go up there,
01:03:06destroy Byron Orlark,
01:03:07but leave the castle intact.
01:03:08No, no, no.
01:03:09Let's burn the castle,
01:03:10kill everyone inside,
01:03:11but let Byron Orlark be.
01:03:13All right, all right, all right.
01:03:15Who's for destroying
01:03:16Byron Orlark?
01:03:17Yeah!
01:03:18Right.
01:03:19You are group one
01:03:20going to back there.
01:03:21Now,
01:03:21who would like to burn
01:03:22down the castle?
01:03:23Yeah!
01:03:25Right.
01:03:25You are group two
01:03:26over here.
01:03:26And finally,
01:03:27who would just like
01:03:28to kill everyone inside?
01:03:31Yeah!
01:03:32Yes, yes,
01:03:33you four are
01:03:33staying right there.
01:03:35What about you, Hans?
01:03:36I'm still considering
01:03:38all me options.
01:03:39Oh, come with us, Hans.
01:03:40Think of the fun
01:03:41we'll have burning
01:03:42down the castle.
01:03:44No!
01:03:45Come with us.
01:03:47We're going to have more fun
01:03:48killing everyone inside.
01:03:49I just don't know!
01:03:52Never mind!
01:03:53You make up your mind
01:03:54when you get there.
01:03:56All right!
01:03:58Take torches,
01:03:59weapons,
01:04:00anything you can carry.
01:04:02Come on, guys!
01:04:04Let's get a real
01:04:05inch more mentality
01:04:07going here.
01:04:08Are you with me?
01:04:10Yeah!
01:04:13Come on!
01:04:13Come on!
01:04:14Come on!
01:04:14Come on!
01:04:15Come on!
01:04:16Come on!
01:04:17Come on!
01:04:18Come on!
01:04:18Come on!
01:04:19Come on!
01:04:20Come on!
01:04:21Come on!
01:04:22Come on!
01:04:23Hey, fellas!
01:04:26Wait up!
01:04:34They're all on their rooms.
01:04:36Or in their coffins.
01:04:38Listen, Marissa,
01:04:39I have to find that book.
01:04:41Even if I'm being
01:04:41searching this entire castle
01:04:43from top to bottom.
01:04:43So, you stay here.
01:04:45Oh, no,
01:04:46you're not leaving me behind.
01:04:47I'm here with
01:04:48three homicidal cousins,
01:04:49one lumbering butler
01:04:50and an uncle
01:04:50who turns off the television
01:04:51with a bazooka launcher.
01:04:52Yeah, we really
01:04:53meet my reliance.
01:04:55Have you ever considered
01:04:55the fact they're really
01:04:56trying to scare you?
01:04:57Yes, and they're
01:04:57doing a fine job.
01:04:59From now on,
01:04:59we stick together.
01:05:01And after this is over,
01:05:02we stay together then?
01:05:04Is that it for possible?
01:05:05Well, hopefully
01:05:06for more as a proposition.
01:05:07You want to hear
01:05:08something funny?
01:05:09What?
01:05:09I could really go
01:05:10for a guy like you.
01:05:12You want to hear
01:05:12something funnier?
01:05:13What?
01:05:14I could really go
01:05:15for you.
01:05:16You're right.
01:05:17That is funnier.
01:05:18Come on.
01:05:18Come on.
01:05:19Trick or treat.
01:05:48Creature of evil,
01:05:50be gone.
01:05:51What are you,
01:05:52some kind of religious nut?
01:05:54Stand back,
01:05:55lest I cast your soul
01:05:56into eternal perdition.
01:05:57You're taking this
01:05:58whole thing far
01:05:59too seriously.
01:06:00Uh, crucifix,
01:06:01it doesn't repel you?
01:06:04Not particularly.
01:06:06Besides,
01:06:07this whole thing
01:06:08is only a dream sequence.
01:06:10Dream sequence?
01:06:11Take my word for it.
01:06:13It's only a dream.
01:06:14You shouldn't have
01:06:15had those anchovies
01:06:16at dinner.
01:06:16Well, then I guess
01:06:17I'm in no immediate peril.
01:06:19Not exactly.
01:06:21You see,
01:06:22whatever happens
01:06:22in a dream
01:06:23could also be happening
01:06:24in real life.
01:06:26I see.
01:06:27Well, in that case...
01:06:29You're right.
01:06:30You're up to your neck
01:06:32in trouble.
01:06:32Ow.
01:07:01Ow.
01:07:01One could acquire
01:07:11a taste for this stuff.
01:07:19Is it just me
01:07:20or are things
01:07:20getting weird?
01:07:22No, it's just you.
01:07:24Here, you hang on to these.
01:07:25I'll trip over
01:07:26the furniture for a while.
01:07:27Okay.
01:07:28Hey, what's behind
01:07:29this door?
01:07:30I think I'd rather have
01:07:31what's behind the curtain.
01:07:34Oh, my goodness.
01:07:36It looks just like...
01:07:37Yeah, 3D.
01:07:40Wow, this is wild.
01:07:42Look, Dix.
01:07:43Put on your 3D glasses now.
01:07:47Did you bring them?
01:07:47I thought you had them.
01:07:48I don't have them.
01:07:50Damn, too bad.
01:07:51This could have been
01:07:52a great sequence.
01:07:52What kind of nutty family
01:07:54did I get myself born into.
01:07:56Oh, relax, will you?
01:08:00Uh-oh.
01:08:01I'll flip you to see
01:08:10who faints first.
01:08:13You've played a good game, boy.
01:08:17Now your time has come.
01:08:20Marissa, duck!
01:08:21Duck!
01:08:29A swing and a miss
01:08:31on Dexter Ward.
01:08:32I'll tell you,
01:08:33it's a great night
01:08:34for a baseball game.
01:08:35I'm Stu Nahan,
01:08:36and we're here
01:08:36at the Castle Orlach.
01:08:38Now, Dexter's having
01:08:39a great year.
01:08:40He's hitting 498.
01:08:41I'll tell you,
01:08:42that's a big batting average.
01:08:43Four home runs,
01:08:44something like 49 RBIs
01:08:46and 16 stolen bases.
01:08:49All right.
01:08:50Here's the wind-up.
01:08:52And the pitch.
01:08:54There's the deep drive
01:08:55going out to right field.
01:08:56Lubefsky going back.
01:08:57He's at the track.
01:08:58He's at the wall.
01:09:00My gosh, it's out of here.
01:09:01Forward, man!
01:09:17We must not falter
01:09:19in our purpose!
01:09:21What is it?
01:09:32It's saying there's
01:09:33some sort of supernatural sphere
01:09:34or the damnedest
01:09:35Christmas ornament
01:09:36I've ever seen!
01:09:37Or, what'll we do now?
01:09:38Up is down!
01:09:39I'm down, he's out!
01:09:40Well, let's get up, up!
01:09:42Hands full!
01:09:42Sure, but I can still help.
01:09:43Or, let's get the wheel
01:09:44laddy up on his feet!
01:09:46Help me with his hands, hands!
01:09:47Which hands?
01:09:48His hands!
01:09:49Oh, no!
01:09:52Oh, Derno!
01:09:53Derno!
01:09:54Are you all right?
01:09:54Am I?
01:09:55Who am I?
01:09:56What film is this?
01:09:57Off!
01:09:58He's coming too!
01:09:59Oh, yes!
01:09:59I remember you!
01:10:01Hands off!
01:10:02If you say so.
01:10:04Ah!
01:10:06You know, maybe we should
01:10:07just call in and I've
01:10:08been through enough already.
01:10:09He's happy, it's keeping me going
01:10:10as well as nervous energy.
01:10:12Hang on, son.
01:10:13We've looked upstairs,
01:10:14we've looked downstairs,
01:10:16we've looked everywhere,
01:10:17except...
01:10:18Wait a minute.
01:10:20That's it.
01:10:21That's gotta be it.
01:10:22Come on.
01:10:26What's it?
01:10:26What's gotta be it?
01:10:27Oh, look, look,
01:10:28she's been pointing the way
01:10:28the whole time.
01:10:29I don't see anything.
01:10:31Yeah, sure, look!
01:10:35Doorway to the crypt.
01:10:36Come on.
01:10:37It's gotta be here.
01:10:52Marissa?
01:10:53Marissa?
01:10:55Marissa?
01:10:56Marissa?
01:10:57Marissa?
01:10:58Marissa?
01:10:59Come on, man.
01:11:00Come on, man.
01:11:01Come on.
01:11:02talking to me.
01:11:03Come on.
01:11:06ã…Žã…Ž
01:11:11He's got it.
01:11:23He's gotta be here.
01:11:24Come on.
01:11:25He's gotta be here.
01:11:26He's gotta be here.
01:11:27I did take it with him, but where'd he go?
01:11:44Daddy will be so proud.
01:11:54Good laugh, a bit worth a lot of money right now.
01:12:15Ah, young man. From the first moment I did not recognize you, I knew you would lead us to this book.
01:12:22How can I ever repay you?
01:12:24U.S. currency, large, unmarked bills, thank you.
01:12:27No, I'm afraid you'll never have the opportunity to spend it.
01:12:31That's reassuring. Why is that book so important to you anyway?
01:12:36I've been seeking this volume for nearly fifty years, but now, finally, it's mine.
01:12:47And what do you intend to do with it, huh?
01:12:50Contained within this volume are the mystic incantations, which can summon forth the evil one.
01:12:58Once again, the forces of darkness shall reign complete and utter chaos.
01:13:06Why would you want to do that?
01:13:11Because I'm evil. Haven't you figured that out yet?
01:13:21Ben Helsing, you've got to stop him!
01:13:24There are several distinct advantages to being a vampire, dear boy.
01:13:32Oh, ancient evil one, hear these mystic incantations, and come forth!
01:13:40I don't mind dying, but I hate the preliminaries.
01:14:07Byron, our luck!
01:14:19Ah, Lady Marissa, you've come back.
01:14:22And in time for my greatest triumph.
01:14:26I came back to stop you, Byron.
01:14:28You started as a wicked child, grew to a malevolent young man,
01:14:33and now you're a vicious, vile adult.
01:14:37But you can't blame a guy for trying.
01:14:40I should have never sent you to that progressive school.
01:14:44But now it's finally time to take things in hand!
01:14:47And I have a few scores to settle with you, dear Arnold.
01:14:51Ben Helsing, what are you doing? You're supposed to be one of them!
01:14:54Just because you're a vampire, that doesn't make you a bad person.
01:14:58I have absolute power over the evil one.
01:15:01At last all mankind shall grovel at my feet.
01:15:05And even you, Lady Marissa, will bow and beg my mercy.
01:15:11You know, Byron, you're really starting to piss me off.
01:15:17Oh.
01:15:18Well adieu, then.
01:15:20Even to the death.
01:15:24To the death.
01:15:35Hey, Orlok!
01:15:42Oh boy.
01:15:43Don't you know the devil always wins?
01:15:53Hey.
01:15:55Hey!
01:15:56Hey!
01:15:59Hey!
01:16:00Hey, you fools!
01:16:02You fools!
01:16:03I'll be back in part two!
01:16:05You fools, you fools! I'll be back in part two!
01:16:33Dexter, what's going on here?
01:16:35Mursa, I was hoping you could tell me!
01:16:41Oh, that sound! It's horrible!
01:16:44Yeah, it's even worse than my song!
01:16:47Look!
01:16:55Where is it?
01:16:57Oh, my God!
01:17:02It's the evil one! Come forth to conquer the world!
01:17:10Bad Helsing, what are we gonna do?
01:17:12Don't ask me, dear fellow. Vampires, I know. But this love crap stuff is out of my league!
01:17:17Marissa?
01:17:26Marissa?
01:17:28She's being possessed!
01:17:29Again?
01:17:30Yes, she's being repossessed!
01:17:32Sorry, folks.
01:17:33To save yourselves, you must destroy the Book of Ulthar!
01:17:38You're kidding!
01:17:39Destroy him!
01:17:40For this body we'll never put out for you!
01:17:45You got it, lady!
01:17:49You got it, lady!
01:17:50Oh!
01:17:51Oh!
01:17:52Oh!
01:17:53Oh!
01:17:54Oh!
01:17:55Oh!
01:17:56Oh!
01:18:20Dexter!
01:18:21Dexter, my good fellow, are you all right?
01:18:23I think so.
01:18:25I sure could've used a stunt double, though.
01:18:28For a moment we thought you weren't gonna make it.
01:18:30You better get him back to the castle. I'll take care of things here.
01:18:33Hey, wait a minute, Doc. You're a vampire now. What are you gonna do?
01:18:38Oh, they're not a bad sword, really. Mostly misunderstood.
01:18:42Besides, I always wanted to see how the other half lived. If that's the right word.
01:18:46Well, you two run along.
01:18:53Hmm.
01:18:55Maybe we can turn this place into a trailer park.
01:19:05What do you think? You think this is a good look for me?
01:19:06Oh, do you ever stop?
01:19:08Oh, come on, Miss Maurice. Tomorrow's gonna be great.
01:19:11Hey, things will look a lot differently in the morning.
01:19:13It's never morning around here. It's just one endless night.
01:19:16What's that?
01:19:17I don't believe this. It's the same everywhere. You missed one lousy payment and they shut the power off.
01:19:26Oh, dear.
01:19:31Daddy!
01:19:32Oh, my wrist and my cliente option.
01:19:35Oh, shame the magician.
01:19:38Then you weren't dead after, huh?
01:19:40No, my dear.
01:19:41I suffer from cataleptic spells
01:19:44which give the appearance of death.
01:19:47Why did you leave home without any word?
01:19:49A family legacy.
01:19:51It is the responsibility of the eldest child
01:19:54to guard the dimensional gateway on our land.
01:19:58Hey, come on, now.
01:19:59All's well with Isabel, huh?
01:20:01I mean, the book's gone
01:20:02and so's old bald-bearing head over there.
01:20:05Good riddance to bad rubbish.
01:20:07Daddy, a lot of strange things happen around here.
01:20:10Well, you'll get used to it.
01:20:12It is your responsibility now.
01:20:15As the eldest child,
01:20:16you are obliged to stay here
01:20:18and prevent access of the evil one.
01:20:22As for me,
01:20:23I'm gonna go trout fishing in Canada.
01:20:27Daddy, I have a career.
01:20:29Hmm?
01:20:29I've got a record album and a video
01:20:30due out by the end of the year.
01:20:32Hey!
01:20:35I got an idea!
01:20:37Why don't we put on a show right here?
01:20:40Sweetie,
01:20:41what's this guy?
01:20:42You don't want to know.
01:20:43I don't want to know.
01:20:44I don't want to know.
01:20:45Action!
01:20:46I heard your voice
01:20:55Thought it was a dream
01:20:57So many faces
01:20:59Don't know what's real
01:21:01I'm screaming in the night
01:21:04How can I know
01:21:06What's wrong or right?
01:21:09Caught in the middle of
01:21:11Tell me, is it true
01:21:23none of us cast reflections in mirrors?
01:21:26Yes.
01:21:26It makes it a real bitch
01:21:28putting on makeup every night.
01:21:29What's that for?
01:21:40I wanted the movie to end with a bang
01:21:42I think it's going to
01:21:46Turn to the left
01:21:52Put up the fight
01:21:54I'm upside down
01:21:56You know it's not right
01:21:59So crazy it gets so
01:22:01I'm hanging by my heart
01:22:03Which word to tell
01:22:05Heart in the middle of love
01:22:09Baby, you're
01:22:12Heart in the middle of love
01:22:16Baby, you know
01:22:20Heart in the middle of love
01:22:23How many times did I cry?
01:22:30Come up on you
01:22:31No matter what I try
01:22:33Talk to me, baby
01:22:35Say what I want to hear
01:22:36Do what you will
01:22:38In my ear
01:22:41I told you we should have asked for instructions at that last Arco station
01:23:00Never mind, where are we?
01:23:02Somewhere between Omaha and Minsk
01:23:04And where is the Castle Orlach?
01:23:06According to this map, we should be in the living room right now
01:23:09Something is wrong here
01:23:11No wonder
01:23:12This is a map of the Dominican Republic
01:23:16Man, I say we give up
01:23:20Forget everything
01:23:22And go home
01:23:24Oh, wait a minute
01:23:26I say we give up
01:23:27Forget everything
01:23:28But not go home
01:23:29No, no
01:23:30We should forget everything
01:23:32Go home
01:23:33But never give up
01:23:35I'll make it compromise
01:23:36We'll give up
01:23:37Go home
01:23:38But remember everything
01:23:40Can we put that to a phone?
01:23:41We'll be right back
01:23:42We'll be right back
01:23:43We'll be right back
01:23:44We'll be right back
01:23:45We'll be right back
01:23:45We'll be right back
01:23:46We'll be right back
01:23:47We'll be right back
01:23:47We'll be right back
01:23:47We'll be right back
01:23:48We'll be right back
01:23:48We'll be right back
01:23:49We'll be right back
01:23:49We'll be right back
01:23:49We'll be right back
01:23:50We'll be right back
01:23:51We'll be right back
01:23:51We'll be right back
01:23:51We'll be right back
01:23:52We'll be right back
01:23:52We'll be right back
01:23:53We'll be right back
01:23:53We'll be right back
01:23:54We'll be right back
01:23:54We'll be right back
01:23:55We'll be right back
01:23:56We'll be right back
01:23:57We'll be right back
01:23:57We'll be right back
01:23:58We'll be right back
01:23:58We'll be right back
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