- 10 hours ago
Write Dirty with Katherine Ryan Season 1 Episode 09
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00:00I always feel rather lost when it rains outside, and on this particular Sunday, the rain was
00:14getting so overexcited, I was worried that the water might seep through and flood my
00:19basement.
00:20But as I peered out of my library window to see if the weather had calmed, I was taken
00:24aback to spot two ordinary plebs exiting a bottomless brunch and kissing, absolutely
00:30dripping in Prosecco and precipitation.
00:33I couldn't think of anything worse.
00:34My power bob and I hate being wet.
00:37However, as I wrested a piping hot macchiato into the crevices of my lap, I realized I've
00:43been bone dry for too long.
00:45Maybe being moist on the outside could moisten my insides.
00:48I knew I needed to face my fear of getting soaked in the wettest of all places.
00:53A water park.
00:54What if you stood right by the log flume, just waiting to get sprayed?
00:59What if a lifeguard wore such tight trunks you could spy his, ooh, swimming noodle?
01:04Yum.
01:04What if two lovers collided on a slide and came out as one, bound by nothing but friction
01:09burns and a string bikini?
01:11I must hear this story told in full.
01:14I immediately emailed the local water park and demanded they advertise for some of their
01:18regulars to write me a sopping wet tale.
01:20The water park had no trouble locating two of the slipperiest storytellers to tell me
01:25how this story would go and to write me dirty.
01:32Hello, I'm Katherine Ryan and I've got two guests to write me a dirty story, all with
01:37the hope of winning a pen.
01:40And this week, my two wet writers are Lucy Beaumont and Stephen Bailey.
01:45Hi.
01:46Hi.
01:46I am so excited to have you both.
01:49Because I don't get to see you.
01:51Yeah.
01:51But I've really admired you from afar.
01:53Oh.
01:54And I think you're so funny and kind of probably sick.
01:57Well, you've got...
01:58No.
01:59Number one Lucy.
02:00Lucy.
02:01Like, mentally.
02:02Mentally.
02:03Yeah.
02:03In the best way.
02:04Like, creative.
02:05Yeah.
02:05Nice, but...
02:06Nice.
02:06But you're going to have a weird story about Stephen.
02:08Do you know?
02:09And it is weird.
02:10It is weird.
02:11I bet it is weird.
02:11Yeah, even when I was writing it and going, oh, this is weird.
02:14Yeah.
02:15And that's why we love to have you.
02:17Yeah.
02:17But also perhaps infirmed sick.
02:19Do you mind clarifying for any concerned listeners or people watching the podcast why you have a blanket draped over your legs?
02:27Because I came in leggings from TK Maxx and old trainers and your team decided that wasn't a good look for you to be around.
02:42Oh, yeah.
02:43So they said, just hide it.
02:45Just hide it.
02:47That's what they said.
02:48Just hide it.
02:48And I said, won't a blanket look weird?
02:51And they were like, it doesn't matter.
02:53Just can't see that.
02:55It's not polished enough.
02:57No.
02:58I haven't been home for two days.
03:00Oh, no.
03:00No, I know.
03:01I'm glad I employed the sartorial ambassador at the door because this is better.
03:07I wouldn't have liked to see leggings.
03:09But they said it was a podcast.
03:11This is sort of like a TV studio.
03:13I feel exactly like you.
03:15I walk into so many audio things with no makeup on and then I go, oh, lights, people.
03:20Great.
03:21It's filmed.
03:21It's the new world, Lucy.
03:23It's filmed.
03:23It's filmed.
03:24It's always going to be out there.
03:26Yeah.
03:26Stephen Bailey, welcome to the show.
03:29Thank you so much for having me.
03:31How do you two know each other?
03:33You're my oldest friend in comedy.
03:35Oh.
03:35Oh.
03:36Yeah.
03:36That's so nice.
03:38I think we just met at a gig, but now we're neighbours.
03:40Yeah, we live around the corner.
03:41How far?
03:42Could you walk it?
03:43In walking descent.
03:44When you guys go out, do people recognise you from comedy and say, oh, because they do.
03:49What people love more than seeing one comedian in the wild is two together.
03:52It's exponentially more exciting.
03:54And they go, oh.
03:55We nearly got kicked out of a bar because we snuck in our own bottle of tequila and drank
03:59it all.
03:59But she blamed me, even though it was you.
04:01They knew who I was.
04:01They didn't know who I was.
04:02I know.
04:03So it's better for you.
04:04Yeah.
04:05To keep your reputation clean.
04:06Yeah.
04:06And they didn't throw us out, did they?
04:07No.
04:08The loose, we were hiding the bottle so well and then it just sort of, we dropped it in
04:12the last minute because we were shit-faced.
04:14And it broke.
04:14No, luckily it didn't break.
04:16It landed flat.
04:17It was Patron.
04:17It was good stuff.
04:18But Lucy dropped it, but the lady told me off.
04:21I would too.
04:22Imagine.
04:22Imagine the scene.
04:23I was asking for the shot glasses, wasn't I?
04:26Yeah.
04:26With nothing in them.
04:27I was just thinking, just have an empty, another empty one.
04:30It took them ages to twig, didn't it?
04:31Yeah.
04:32But I think because you're gay, I think that meant they didn't throw you out.
04:35Yeah.
04:35Oh.
04:36Don't you think?
04:37Because they think that, they expect that off our community.
04:40But also it's a hate crime if they turn against you in any way.
04:43I love bringing that one out.
04:44You've got to use that, just hate crime.
04:45Yeah.
04:45Hate crime.
04:46I'm going to use that on QI next time they don't book me.
04:48Have you guys ever fancied each other in any way?
04:51No, sorry.
04:52Oh my God, I have fancied you.
04:54No, you haven't.
04:55I have.
04:55Don't lie.
04:56What do you fancy about Lucy?
04:57You don't know what's going to happen next and I think that's attractive.
05:00That is sexy.
05:00And she disappears.
05:01She does that thing like when I was in my 20s where boys don't text you back so you want
05:06them more.
05:07Yeah.
05:07Lucy's the same.
05:08She's aloof.
05:09Yeah, she's aloof.
05:10But I've got lost underneath something.
05:12There's a reason.
05:14But no, I am terrible for that.
05:17Does anything give you the ick about Stephen?
05:18Oh no.
05:19No, nothing.
05:20Oh, that's nice.
05:21No, no.
05:22I really like him.
05:23And I like it more that his dad worked on the railways.
05:26I tell everyone that.
05:27Do you?
05:28Yeah.
05:28I love that.
05:29Yeah.
05:29Your dad's a very manly man, isn't he?
05:31He's so manly.
05:32The opposite of me.
05:33But is that the kind of guy you go for?
05:35No.
05:36I go for nerds.
05:37Aww.
05:38Rich is a nerd.
05:39Okay.
05:39He wears lovely jumpers.
05:40He wears a lovely jumper and he's got a lovely smile but neither of us can do anything.
05:45Thank God we've got Tass Rabbit here now.
05:47Yeah.
05:47I wouldn't know what to do.
05:49Lucy, how did you find the experience of putting Stephen at the centre of a dirty story?
05:54I really enjoyed it.
05:55Yeah.
05:56I feel like, I felt like a really weird Jilly Cooper.
06:01Do you think it was easier because he's a friend?
06:04Or did that, you know, cause some challenge?
06:07It is easier.
06:08And I tried to write a fantasy that I thought Stephen would like to be in.
06:13Oh, did you?
06:14I put myself.
06:16Yeah.
06:16After many conversations that we've had about your sex life, I thought, yeah, so I think
06:25he's going to be really pleased with it.
06:27Yeah, Stephen, you're pretty transparent about your exploits and that gives Lucy a lot to
06:33work with.
06:34Are you regretting now being in a head-to-head competition that maybe you've given a lot
06:40of creative inspo and like Lucy could just run away with this story?
06:44Well, the other side of that is maybe because I've put out so much, it's hard to add any
06:49more to it.
06:50Yes.
06:51That's a good way of seeing it.
06:52Because I found it harder writing for Lucy.
06:55You will.
06:55Because Lucy's very clean.
06:57Yeah.
06:58Yeah.
06:58Very clean.
06:59I mean, I opened for Lucy on some of her tour dates.
07:02It's family friendly.
07:03I had to rein myself in.
07:04I had to rein it in.
07:07Did you try night one to go full Stephen Bailey?
07:10No, I think night one I was quite good.
07:11And then I thought, oh, they've really liked me.
07:13So night two I went full Stephen.
07:14That didn't go down as well.
07:16The gasp.
07:17The gasp.
07:18You could take it and go, oh!
07:19You literally, yeah.
07:21It was like, not the good gay gasp like Cher came in.
07:25It was the goddamn, I've went too far.
07:27Yeah.
07:28And what's your demographic then?
07:30Cavalry people.
07:31Yeah.
07:32Do you know, I know one of your super fans.
07:35Do you?
07:36And he really loves you the most, but he loves me the second most.
07:39And he likes when he sits in the front row and you make an example of him.
07:43And you say, everyone remember his face in case he follows me home.
07:46He really loves that kind of banter.
07:48Is that the one you bought a Christmas present for?
07:50Yeah.
07:50Yeah.
07:50I just, I thought, what would a girlfriend get him?
07:53Oh, God, Lucy.
07:54I know, I know.
07:55Because he bought me some, well, he didn't, he bought himself some underpants with my face on them.
08:02Oh, Lucy.
08:03But I thought he was going to give me them, but he wasn't.
08:05Yeah.
08:06So I bought, I bought him like socks.
08:08Oh, you did.
08:09Yeah.
08:10Yeah.
08:11And do you know what?
08:12It stopped the stalking.
08:14Oh, interesting.
08:15So you put him off.
08:15You came on too strong.
08:17I came on too strong.
08:17He didn't like it.
08:18Because you're not meant to stalk back.
08:20Has anyone thought about doing that?
08:22Because I think that is a way of, that you actually, you come on, like, look like you might be interested.
08:27And then they're like, no, no, I just think about you.
08:31It's actually the textbook way that men operate.
08:35Yeah.
08:35Well, I liked him because he was the same height.
08:38And I thought if he does follow me home, I probably could kill him, knock him out.
08:45Stephen and Lucy, you've both been given the task of writing the dirtiest story featuring one another.
08:56You were also given a setting, a character, and a prop.
08:59I'll be judging your stories, and the soggy saga must be set at a water park and feature a lifeguard, please.
09:07Your raunchy tale must also include a swimming noodle and a floating plaster.
09:13The winner will receive a Write Me Dirty pen and a place of privilege on my Write Me Dirty bookshelf.
09:20Now, consent is very important in the Write Me Dirty library, so I will leave it to you who would like to read their filthy story first.
09:29Lucy?
09:31The ladies first.
09:33Oh.
09:34Okay.
09:35Okay, Lucy.
09:36You sound so excited.
09:39Lucy, what's the title of your dirty story?
09:43It's Splish Splash Splash, Stephen and his semen.
09:47Wow.
09:50Okay.
09:51I can't wait.
09:52I like it.
09:53Okay.
09:53Or Splish for short.
09:54Yeah.
09:55Splish for short.
09:56People will call it Splish.
09:58Yeah.
09:58Have you read Splish?
09:59Yeah.
09:59Splish, yeah.
10:00Like the gruffler, but.
10:02Stephen Bailey woke up with a jump on his sun lounger at his chateau.
10:06Oh, do I make that sound common?
10:09In his chateau in the south of France.
10:12Andre, he shouted in his Mancunian twang.
10:16That's a good impression.
10:17I love that.
10:17Andre, the 25-year-old ex-swimwear model, good-looking yet forgettable.
10:23He had a boat in accident and it took off his left testicle.
10:27Oh, no.
10:29Andre grimaced.
10:30He loved pummeling Stephen, but his voice went through him.
10:33My voice went through him.
10:35Yeah.
10:35Oh, no.
10:36I'm sorry.
10:36He loved pummeling Stephen.
10:38Yeah.
10:39But I have to be quiet.
10:40Fueled by his remaining testicle.
10:42Because I'm glad you explained that.
10:43I wondered why a 25-year-old swimwear model would retire so young.
10:47A woman, yes.
10:49Yeah.
10:49Too old to model.
10:50Yeah.
10:50But a 25-year-old boy.
10:52Yeah.
10:52Prime modeling age, but cut short by the boating accident.
10:55Yeah.
10:57Andre, my mobile's ringing, babes.
11:00Fucking pick it up.
11:01It might be ITV.
11:03So good.
11:05That is exactly what I would say.
11:07It might be ITV.
11:09Hang on.
11:09Lucy, what do you mean by that?
11:11That feel, I liked it.
11:12But for those listening who don't know about Stephen's desire, I was going to say desire.
11:20I saw you stumble on the word desire to be Mr. ITV.
11:26Yeah.
11:26Can you give us some backstory on that?
11:28It's Stephen's turn now, isn't it?
11:30And I say to everyone, I go to meetings and I say, well, Stephen Bailey's the most working
11:36class person I know.
11:37His dad built the railways.
11:40And he's not getting enough representation.
11:43But you should be like all over ITV, shouldn't you?
11:46Thank you, guys.
11:47He needs a game show, a chat show.
11:49If anything, I'm thinking we should film this for ITV.
11:53ITVB.
11:53B.
11:54Yeah.
11:54Yeah.
11:55Fair.
11:55Andre brought out the phone to Stephen on his, this is weird though, that when I'm writing
12:03it, I thought, I might start the therapy again.
12:07Oh.
12:07Andre brought out the phone to Stephen on his turned and tanned back, pretending to be a
12:11puppy.
12:12Oh.
12:12So he put the phone on his back and crawled out.
12:15No, yeah.
12:16It's a hard thing to write.
12:17The gay community, they do have like a puppy thing.
12:20Yeah.
12:20Yeah.
12:21I've heard about it.
12:21Not all of them, Stephen.
12:22No, thank you.
12:23No, not all.
12:23But I'm saying like puppy exists in a beautiful way within that community.
12:28Did you know that?
12:29Or is it a happy accident?
12:30No, I just, I just saw it in my head, pictured it and wrote it down.
12:34So that's not too weird then.
12:36No, no.
12:37It's real.
12:37Okay.
12:38Stephen slapped his behind and gave him a rich tea biscuit.
12:41Is that bit, that bit's weird.
12:42I do that to my actual boyfriend.
12:44So do you think I'm sort of like invoking?
12:48Me.
12:48You're kind of a medium and less of a fantasy writer right now.
12:52Oh my God.
12:52Yeah.
12:52He answered it.
12:54Fucking hell, it's the Navy.
12:56Stephen had been asked to go and give a lesson in mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a group of men who just weren't getting it.
13:09I love you for this.
13:11I know, I know.
13:12Get me my mink.
13:13It's getting chilly here.
13:15Blighty needs me.
13:16Stephen arrived at the Navy water park.
13:20Oh.
13:20Did they have a water park at the Navy?
13:23Did you know?
13:23Maybe.
13:24I should, I would go to that.
13:26Yeah, no, it's, you can't, you can't.
13:27I do find it quite triggering though, because you know my first boyfriend went into the Navy and then came out straight, which is obviously the wrong way.
13:32Yeah, that's the wrong way.
13:34Hang on.
13:35Yeah.
13:36Did you have this background information?
13:38No, I don't know if you did.
13:39I did, but maybe I did and I just didn't remember.
13:42So you arrived at the Navy water park via helicopter.
13:45So he glided in with his entourage, which was three ex-actresses from Coronation Street.
13:53Now you're entourage.
13:54I love this.
13:55And what does Coronation Street mean to you?
13:56Everything.
13:57Half from Ryan.
13:59Three ex-actresses from Coronation Street, who he got out of financial hardship.
14:04And Stephen prefers to eat animals, not live with them, but he likes to have something to walk and leave outside of shops.
14:12So these ladies fill that void.
14:16If he has a bad day, he says, tell me about when you hit Gale Platt and everything is okay again.
14:25Stephen put on his speedos and looked up and there was that diver he likes, but this time he was a lifeguard.
14:34I love that.
14:36He likes to give back to his country.
14:38They looked longingly into each other's eyes, transported back to the date they had where the diver professed his love.
14:46But Stephen felt other men needed him and it's important to have just one conquest as a fantasy.
14:53Why did they always have to fall in love with him?
14:55How is this hitting for you as a sexy story on a scale of one to ten?
15:00This is so far ten.
15:02I can't wait to see if I get pummeled by the diver now.
15:05I love that I've already been pummeled by Andre.
15:08That he walks around on all fours just to please me.
15:12Lucy's written the life I wanted.
15:14She knows you so well.
15:16Yeah.
15:16But not the life I have.
15:18I don't think this is out of the realm of possibility.
15:22I'm not sure about the Navy water park, but then I don't know anything about the Navy.
15:26Perhaps they do have a water park.
15:27Why wouldn't they?
15:27Exactly.
15:29Stephen got his noodle out.
15:31Oh.
15:33It's long, blue and squishy with teeth marks in it.
15:37Yeah.
15:37And he jumped in the pool.
15:39The Navy men jumped in too.
15:42They all instantly fell for Stephen as he swam after them in circles.
15:46Girls aloud as blurting out of the speaker.
15:49Oh, what a lovely detail.
15:51Lovely detail.
15:53Which song?
15:54Something kind of ooh.
15:55Jumping on my doo-doo.
15:58That one.
15:59As they began, what's it called?
16:01Something kind of ooh.
16:01Is it called that?
16:02The song?
16:03Yeah.
16:03Yeah.
16:04Oh, God.
16:05Is it really?
16:06It is.
16:07You don't approve.
16:08Yeah.
16:08It's not good that.
16:09We could change to something new.
16:12That's another song.
16:12It sounds like they did have a title and they all forgot it and they were like, what, was
16:16that something kind of ooh?
16:17So something kind of ooh was playing.
16:19Yeah.
16:19Something kind of ooh was playing.
16:22As they began to get tired, they all slowed down and congregated around Stephen.
16:26Stephen couldn't work out whose erection belonged to who.
16:30That feels like me.
16:32You can never put an erection to a face.
16:34He felt like kebab meat, skewered.
16:38Wow.
16:40That's my dream.
16:41Is it?
16:42Wow.
16:43My friend runs a, I've told you about it, I think it's fascinating.
16:46He runs a jerk-off club in Soho and up to 150 men go and it's all dark and just.
16:56Get wanked off.
16:56Wanked off.
16:57Nothing else.
16:58Nothing else happens.
16:59Get wanked off or wank themselves off.
17:00I think it's like in a circle, like, so you do it and then.
17:03And your friend runs this club.
17:04Has he ever discussed, like, how much revenue?
17:06He will.
17:06Puts the chairs out.
17:07Okay.
17:08Yeah.
17:12Okay.
17:13Oh, my God.
17:15Okay, boys, I'll lay at the side of the pool and I'll give you the kiss of life.
17:20Whilst the lifeguard looked on at his technique, mesmerized, Stephen placed himself gently next
17:25to the cutest boy, but as he leaned over, a plaster to the man's foot.
17:30Stuck to Stephen's skin.
17:32It had pus and blood and what looked like a corn.
17:35What looked like a what?
17:36Like a corn, you know, corn.
17:38Oh, yeah.
17:39Yeah.
17:40Stephen's a queen, not a nurse.
17:42It made him feel sick.
17:43I can't do this anymore, he said.
17:45Not a nurse.
17:46He left, but asked the Coronation Street ladies to round up all their phone numbers.
17:51The TV Olympian diver slash lifeguard ran after Stephen.
17:57I admire you.
17:58I'm taken aback by your beauty and grace.
18:01I want to smother you.
18:02I want you to be mine.
18:03I know every freckle on your...
18:05Enough, said Stephen.
18:06You can't have my mind and soul.
18:08I've been put here on earth to make men ejaculate on a higher plane.
18:13Wow.
18:13And I'm here to open their heart chakras.
18:18And he said, will you open mine?
18:20And he said, no, but I'll clamp your balls.
18:23And he said, let's go.
18:26And so Stephen and the lifeguard, both successful and filthy rich, decided to meet that night and role play.
18:33Wow.
18:33Stephen would take him to realms he'd never been to before, but right now he wanted a part in Waterloo Road just to remind his old self how far he'd come.
18:43So he asked to meet the diver in a Frankie and Benny's and for them both to be in cheap suits.
18:50They would pretend that they're at a car phone warehouse staff convention and pull each other and go back to the Premier Inn.
18:57On the way back to the room, they got three packets of Nobby nuts from the machine.
19:01Oh, I love Nobby's nuts.
19:03Do you know what flavour?
19:05Well, I'm sorry I don't.
19:06I'll have dry roasted then.
19:07Just the dry roasted.
19:09What other flavours does it do?
19:10They've got like a spicy one, but I think if we're going to go back and probably not good for my hoop.
19:15So do you think this is going where you think?
19:18I think I'm about to get bummed.
19:20He's going to put them up your bum.
19:22All right.
19:23They're definitely not the spicy ones.
19:24Okay, I'll let you carry on.
19:25Is that something you'd do?
19:27I've not.
19:28No.
19:29But this time.
19:30Would you be able to pop them out if you did?
19:32Yeah, popped other things out, sure.
19:35Yeah.
19:35Because is your...
19:36What?
19:37Finish the question.
19:39Is your sphincter...
19:40Controllable.
19:41Yeah.
19:42Yeah.
19:42I have a remote for it now.
19:45Just control it via this app.
19:47I've lost my place now.
19:50The diver licked the salts off and placed them up Stephen's bum, pretending it was just like their first time.
19:57Stephen shot them out across the room.
20:00They laughed and began to make love.
20:02Stephen stopped at the point of climax and reached for his briefcase.
20:07He clamped the diver's balls so that he got them out of the briefcase and slapped his bum with a little mini paddle.
20:14But then a fire alarm went off so they evacuated the building.
20:19But who should be outside but the...
20:21Or the Navy men.
20:23It was a hoax to get them to come out of the room.
20:26Stephen and the diver joined the boys down the local harvester.
20:30They all had a rump steak and some rosé wine.
20:33Oh, thank you.
20:34I've not finished yet.
20:35Half cut and full belly, Stephen walked them all in a line back to the hotel.
20:39And then things really began to get going.
20:42You've heard of a bonnie blue.
20:43Well, this was a bobby ball.
20:45And sadly, we can't share what that entails.
20:49But Cannon and Ball were a famous comedy double act.
20:53And one of them has sadly passed away.
20:55But no one is sure which one.
20:57The end.
20:59Wow.
21:00It was full of twists and turns.
21:05It was wet and wild.
21:06Wet and wild, yeah.
21:07Stephen, what are your immediate reactions to the story?
21:10I think it's, you know, I thought it was all great.
21:13I come across really well.
21:15Lucy gave me the hopes and fantasies I've always dreamed of.
21:20I'm unsure about having nuts thrown at my arsehole.
21:26And I don't know why Bob Cannon and Ball came into it.
21:29But apart from that, I thought it was an exceptional story.
21:32And thank you for letting me live my dream in your story.
21:36It had a lot of Stephen in it.
21:38Did you feel that?
21:39Yeah.
21:40It was a real, real language of love and attention to detail about Stephen.
21:45You had ITV in there as Love of Coronation Street.
21:48I like that they're two rich and famous lovers.
21:51But they decide to role play as working class.
21:55Yeah.
21:55At the Frankie and Benny's.
21:56Yeah.
21:57Waterloo Road reference.
21:57And I really love a Frankie and Benny's.
21:59Yeah, who doesn't?
22:00I always get like the nachos.
22:02And then it had some Lucy Beaumont all over it too, you know?
22:06Right.
22:06There were some really interesting, unique twists and turns.
22:10Twists and turns, yeah.
22:11And I loved that.
22:12That's what we expect from you.
22:14Yeah.
22:14I was confused at times.
22:16Yeah.
22:17Like the line of erections and.
22:20But Stephen followed it.
22:22You followed it.
22:22Yeah.
22:22I just felt like I was having a great time the whole way through.
22:25A lot of sexy Navy boys.
22:26Yeah.
22:27I loved it.
22:27But I'm not used to group sex.
22:29So I think I just got confused in that way.
22:32Well, it is, isn't it?
22:33Yeah.
22:33Yeah.
22:33And that's why I don't have group sex.
22:35Because I'd be like, what?
22:36What?
22:36Most I've done is three, including me.
22:38Three?
22:39Yeah.
22:39Like three.
22:40So three, yeah.
22:41Three including you.
22:42Me, Jonas and Ludwig.
22:43It was in Norway.
22:44It was amazing.
22:45Whoa.
22:46I've heard about this.
22:46I was really impressed.
22:47Yeah, thank you.
22:48I haven't.
22:49So you pulled two hunks.
22:51Really?
22:52And you couldn't choose between.
22:53No.
22:54And it was perfect.
22:55Because it was like, like I say, Jonas and Ludwig.
22:57It was like the Norwegian dream.
23:00Yeah.
23:01I tell you though, they all have six packs.
23:03Getting a British belly out in front of these people was not good for my confidence.
23:06You know what though?
23:07It's different for them.
23:08Maybe they hadn't seen one.
23:10Yeah.
23:10Different is good.
23:11Different is interesting.
23:12I think that's what happened to me.
23:13Because they're all absolutely like, they're all like six foot gorgeous cum gutters.
23:17I think they thought I was exotic.
23:19Yeah.
23:19Yeah.
23:19And I am.
23:20What's a cum gutter?
23:22It's a swimmer's V, some people might call it.
23:25Oh.
23:25You know, like those things.
23:27Like the swimmer's V.
23:29It's where the jizzy, it's where it runs.
23:31Like a gusset.
23:32Yeah.
23:35Oh.
23:35Thank God we're doing a Write Me Dirty podcast.
23:37I could not say this on How to Fail with Elizabeth Day.
23:40No, no.
23:43Steven.
23:44Yes?
23:45What is the name of your piece?
23:48The name of my piece is Lucy Beaumont's Five Star Fanny.
23:53Wow.
23:55That is a tour show.
23:57Wow.
23:58Imagine alienating all the harvester people with a show title like that.
24:02That would be amazing.
24:03Yeah.
24:04Sort them out, wouldn't they?
24:05Now what do I do?
24:06Just read it?
24:07I think I'd like you to just launch in.
24:09For those of us that already know TV's Lucy Beaumont, we know that she claims Hull is famous for Zumba classes that you can smoke in.
24:17Yeah.
24:18For years she's been telling the nation this story, but she's realised she's been missing out on a gold mine.
24:24The real money is in Zumba, baby.
24:27Lucy might have a BAFTA, but she wants cold hard cash as spending money in Oliver Bonas.
24:32I do like it.
24:33It's just colourful, isn't it?
24:35Like white women with new money do, has left her a bit short.
24:39After re-watching Benidorm on Netflix, Lucy's decided to spend the summer in Torremolinos to make some of that summer money, honey.
24:47And she has managed to get a job at the local walker to park called You're In For Some Fun.
24:53Like urine.
24:54Urine.
24:55Oh, that's good, Steven.
24:56Steven, I'm not to stop you there.
24:58I am noticing there's a bit of hostility coming from you about Lucy's fame, her wealth, her success.
25:07Yeah, I want it.
25:08Yeah.
25:08I want a BAFTA.
25:09I want a goddamn BAFTA.
25:10I didn't get a BAFTA, Steven.
25:12You didn't?
25:13No, I was just nominated.
25:14Well, I've not even had a nomination.
25:16I've not even had an invite.
25:17I've not even been asked to cater the BAFTAs.
25:19I like it because it's a bit catty off the top.
25:21Yeah.
25:22Yeah, yeah.
25:22It's not meant to be, but I love that you've read into it this way.
25:24I know it feels like this about me, it's okay.
25:26Anyway, she managed to get a job at the local waterpark you're in for some fun.
25:29After saying they can also use her face to promote the log flume.
25:34Ooh.
25:35Lucy Beaumont is now head of Aqua Zumba.
25:38Ooh.
25:39Yeah.
25:40I could see this.
25:41I know, I could.
25:42Her plan was simple.
25:43She's going to get the grannies and the gays fit during their time at the water park.
25:47They will spin right down the big one, the slide, into her class.
25:52She'll use the gays for the pink pound and to take her out in the evenings.
25:56And the grannies, she will just have to befriend one.
25:59She will get in the wheel and that is her life sorted.
26:01All the Oliver bonus she wants.
26:04Nice.
26:04Lovely.
26:04I've been calling it Oliver Bonass.
26:06I don't go in anymore.
26:09I like the mention of pink pound.
26:11Yeah.
26:11Because it sounds a bit sexual, but it means like queer money.
26:15Exactly that.
26:16Her plan was great, but typical Lucy, she got distracted on day one over the all-you-can-eat
26:20staff breakfast buffet.
26:22Do you like a breakfast buffet, Lucy?
26:24Yeah, I do.
26:25Yeah.
26:25Which is actually leftovers from the guests all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet that they
26:30couldn't, in fact, not eat all of.
26:33She reached for the same thick, juicy pork sausage as Enrique Pedro Valentino Shakira Perez.
26:40Wow.
26:41Enters the chat.
26:43You're in for some fun's lifeguard.
26:46You're going to have a great day.
26:47Oh my God.
26:47Okay.
26:48For such a big, for such a big water part, Lucy wondered why there was only one lifeguard.
26:55After meeting Enrique and seeing his arms, she now knew they only needed one.
27:01Oh, he's big enough for everyone.
27:03That's right.
27:03Hello, Lucy said.
27:08I'm surprised that sausage wouldn't drag him right down to the bottom, you know.
27:12That's true.
27:12Hola, Enrico Pedro, et cetera, said.
27:16Et cetera.
27:16Lucy looks confused and says, no, me name's Lucy.
27:21Now Enrique looks confused.
27:23Lucy flirtatiously says, you knew the big log, you knew the big log out there that all the
27:31lads love.
27:32They ride it and leave my face all wet.
27:37Have you been on a log flume, Lucy?
27:40No, I've never been on a log flume.
27:41Have you ever had a wet face?
27:42Have you ever had a wet face?
27:47You do have beautiful skin.
27:49Oh, I've had a wet face.
27:51Yeah.
27:51Do you mean?
27:52No, I just made you wash it.
27:53Like being things.
27:54No.
27:57No, I've never done that.
27:58I think straight men can also wet your face, in my experience.
28:01Oh, like, yeah, not a long time ago.
28:06It doesn't tend to go that far anymore.
28:10No.
28:11When it doesn't, when men of a sad age don't seem to.
28:14They don't get the distance.
28:15No.
28:16If they were maybe with a younger pet, they probably were.
28:18Yeah.
28:19It was a 20-year-old thing, I think.
28:21Yeah.
28:21Do you?
28:22Yeah, they're only capable of that young and then it just starts to come out like a piece
28:25of spaghetti.
28:25Yeah.
28:26Just.
28:27Or dust.
28:29Dust.
28:29Him and dust it in the eye.
28:31Dribble.
28:31Dribble him.
28:32Enrique tries to insist that Lucy took the big sausage from him, but Lucy had changed her
28:37mind.
28:37She now had her sights set firmly on a different sort of sausage.
28:41She was now after a bit of Spanish chorizo.
28:44So, Lucy made a decision.
28:46Doesn't agree with me, though.
28:48Does it not?
28:48I can't have it, no.
28:49Oh, for God.
28:51You know, I don't mean actual chorizo, though.
28:53I mean Enrique.
28:53I can't have any processed meat.
28:56What about Enrique's Spanish dick?
28:59Is it?
29:00It's processed.
29:01Is it in plastic packaging?
29:03No, it's organic.
29:04Okay, it's fine.
29:06Lucy makes a decision.
29:07She's going to have a summer like she did in 2009 for Big Bev's 21st.
29:1121st.
29:11Is this a reference to a real 21st?
29:14No.
29:14No.
29:15Okay.
29:15I don't have friends called Bev.
29:19What about Big Bev?
29:21Yeah.
29:21I would be friends with a Big Bev.
29:23Yeah.
29:23You'd have fun with a Big Bev.
29:25Do you want to be my friend?
29:25What's your name?
29:26Big Bev.
29:26I did do a shot in the dark there thinking if anyone was going to know a Big Bev, it would
29:30be Lucy Beaumont.
29:32Now it's Operation Enrique, meet my picante, which I thought we could use as vagina.
29:39Vagina.
29:39Yeah.
29:40She just needs to figure out how.
29:43Lucy goes to teach her first aqua zumba.
29:45All the ladies and gays are in the pool ready to be taught by a BAFTA.
29:49Nominated.
29:50I did write winner, but we'll go with nominee.
29:52But it's my fantasy.
29:53You won that BAFTA.
29:54Oh, thanks.
29:55You deserve to win it.
29:56Oh, thanks.
29:56I didn't.
29:57There was better people.
29:58Well, maybe this is in the future and you have one.
30:00Right.
30:00Okay.
30:01There's a BAFTA in your life.
30:02From your appearance on this podcast.
30:04Yeah.
30:05Because of the podcast BAFTAs.
30:06I can't.
30:07That will happen.
30:08Because of the accident.
30:12Agadu comes on and Lucy gets all the zombies to start marching.
30:17She catches Enrique What's-His-Called's eye, who is watching her class, or in Lucy's mind,
30:23her ass.
30:24Oh.
30:25Oh, God.
30:26Lucy knows she has to up her game.
30:28She throws a load of swimming noodles into the pool.
30:31The gays barge the old ladies out of the way to get to the noodles with the most girth.
30:36You know the gays.
30:37Lucy gets the zombies to use them as a skipping rope.
30:41Proper zumba technique.
30:42Oh.
30:42She looks over at Enrique, who has been distracted by another girl.
30:46Then one of the gays uses a super noodle to jokingly simulate anal for one of the other,
30:51other gays.
30:52Lucy shouts, blonde gay, stop making the swimming noodle bum you.
30:57Then she realises that gay is on to something.
31:01Oh.
31:01She starts essentially blowing the noodle for Enrique's benefit.
31:05It's all very sexy.
31:07And the class start copying her.
31:08There are six OAPs and four gays copying her.
31:10One gay isn't.
31:11It's Channel 5's Stephen Bailey and Lucy's best friend.
31:16Hello, Stephen.
31:16Come to see you.
31:17Oh, that's nice.
31:18Yeah, thank you.
31:19I'm impressed that you could suck off a pool noodle.
31:22I am.
31:23You could.
31:24It's quite big.
31:26But they're squishy.
31:27Right.
31:28You can get it in your mouth.
31:29Please.
31:30Stephen.
31:30You know I can.
31:33Stephen gets out of the water.
31:35Slow motion washes his hair back.
31:37A dirty used plaster floats past that has come off one of the class's oldest regulars,
31:43Dorothy's Veruca.
31:44Oh, no.
31:45In this fantasy, Stephen has a six pack down of straight hair.
31:49He has those swimmer's V's.
31:50We call them cum gutters.
31:52Yep.
31:52It's like he's an Aldi Zac Efron.
31:55Oh, lovely.
31:56Putting a bit of my fantasy in your fantasy.
31:58Stephen grabs Lucy.
32:00Stop blowing the goddamn super noodle.
32:03You've got Dorothy deep throat in hers now.
32:05God, she could pass out.
32:07Because you're the teacher, so they're emulating all the moves.
32:09Of course, yeah.
32:10Lucy shouts to Dorothy.
32:12Dot, no.
32:13Oh, Jesus Christ, Dorothy.
32:15Lucy is thrilled and shocked to see Stephen.
32:18She's a dirty bitch, isn't she?
32:19What are you doing here?
32:20I thought I'd support me besties' latest scheme.
32:24Yeah, yeah.
32:25Stephen said.
32:26Dorothy is still blowing her noodle.
32:28Oh, God.
32:29I know.
32:30Give it a risk.
32:30Stephen catches a glimpse of Enrique.
32:33Oh, you're trying to fuck the hot lifeguard.
32:37That's so basic.
32:38Do it, he says.
32:40Stephen, I'm going to have a new life in the sun.
32:44Stephen is in and encourages Lucy.
32:45They decide it's time to go fully in.
32:48Lucy catches Dorothy still sucking on the swimming noodle.
32:52And she's even tickling imaginary balls.
32:54Wow.
32:55The gays have left.
32:56And another Zumba attendee, Margaret, asks if they are carrying on or not.
33:00Lucy picks up the noodle and shouts,
33:01Get blowing, Maggie!
33:03Lucy goes for the noodle and decides to show Enrique how much she can take.
33:08Enrique is captivated.
33:09And that's when Lucy decides to go all in.
33:12She starts choking and falls to the pool, dropping the noodle and pretends to drown.
33:18Oh, no.
33:20I'm drowning.
33:23Margaret goes to help her.
33:25Lucy screams, Fuck off, Margaret!
33:27Enrique runs to save Lucy.
33:29It all happens in slow motion.
33:31His incredible pecs bounce up and down.
33:33He's carrying his orange lifeguard float thing that Lucy, whilst fake drowning,
33:38sees as incredibly phallic.
33:40Stephen is stood with a speaker, playing the Baywatch theme, as he loves a cliché.
33:46Enrique carries Lucy out of the pool, lifting her over his sexy shoulders and places her on the side.
33:52He starts to give a CPR.
33:53Lucy sticks the tongue in and Enrique is thrilled.
33:56Oh, my God.
33:57Dirty bitch.
33:59Enrique decides to take a ride on the Lucy log flume.
34:03In public, by the side of the pool with all the OAPs around.
34:06And Stephen.
34:06This is my fantasy.
34:08He doesn't even care that all the older Zumba ladies are watching.
34:13He's had this fantasy as well.
34:14She's aligned.
34:16Oh, my God.
34:17They make love.
34:18Or, as they call it in Hull, have a good shag.
34:22Enrique goes deeper than any noodle ever has.
34:25And Lucy is thrilled.
34:26And Dorothy's fallen plaster floats past once more.
34:30Both Enrique and Lucy get fired and are sent home on a Ryanair flight.
34:35Turns out Enrique isn't even Spanish.
34:38He's called Stan and he fixes radiators.
34:41This doesn't even bother Lucy.
34:43It makes her want him more as she wants to get her bathroom done.
34:47They penetrate on the Ryanair flight home.
34:50That's hot.
34:53Oh, God, Stephen.
34:57Stephen.
34:58Bloody hell.
34:59A lot went on there.
34:59Lucy, how do you feel about this fan fiction?
35:01Well, I've been used, haven't I?
35:03But I didn't seem to mind it.
35:06It is hard to find tradesmen, isn't it?
35:09So, in front of the grannies is a bit.
35:12But were they all right about it?
35:13They were fine about it.
35:14They just thought it was more Zumba.
35:16But you were fired.
35:17I know.
35:18You lost your dream job.
35:19Yeah, that's happened a lot to me.
35:22But overall, I think I really enjoyed it.
35:26And I think Stephen's really got to the heart of how I tick.
35:31Do you have any fantasies about having sex in public?
35:35No, but I am going to now.
35:36Have you been penetrated on a flight?
35:39No.
35:40A lot was going on for me, Stephen.
35:41I like that both of you are interested in lifeguards.
35:45Because I worry about Lucy losing the job.
35:48And I also worry about Enrique masquerading as someone else.
35:52Because I think that is identity fraud, especially when it comes to having sexual intercourse.
35:57Yeah.
35:57And my only other negative note, Stephen, because I loved it.
36:01Thank you so much.
36:02Was when you said they penetrate on the plane.
36:05Did I say penetrate?
36:06You know, I want to get, like, fucked.
36:11But I wouldn't expect someone to be like, let's penetrate.
36:15It's a bit clinical for me with everything else that was going on.
36:17The chorizo and the pecs and then penetrate.
36:21Just felt a lot like a smear.
36:23I take that feedback on board.
36:25But sometimes, you know, when you're on a Ryanair flight, there's not much place to maneuver.
36:29So it would probably have to be a bit clinical for it to work.
36:32Put your hand here, leg up here, you know.
36:34Penetrate.
36:35Yeah.
36:35And then penetrate me.
36:37Okay.
36:37With your Spanish tricks.
36:38But now, I know she can't take processed meat.
36:40So the whole story's fucked.
36:42Yeah.
36:43But I can be penetrated.
36:46I went for a smear, you know.
36:48And I pretended that I went, oh, like that.
36:51But I didn't feel anything.
36:53Oh, I know.
36:53But I had to pretend.
36:55I didn't want to think.
36:57I went, oh.
36:57Just for the benefit of the nurse.
36:59Ow.
37:00But she could have gone a lot bigger than that.
37:03This is Victor.
37:04I would give her that note next time.
37:06Should I?
37:07You can go bigger.
37:07You could have gone bigger.
37:08Yeah.
37:08The biggest speculum you've got next time, please.
37:13Lucy Beaumont.
37:14Stephen Bailey.
37:15I'm going to choose a winner.
37:16And I loved both stories.
37:17So it's going to be tough.
37:19Rough.
37:20Like Sex with Enrique.
37:22What's his name?
37:24Lucy, I loved so much about your story.
37:27I thought it was really creative, just like you.
37:31There were so many twists and turns.
37:32I got lost along the way.
37:34Yeah.
37:34I'm not sure if it's a criticism that I got lost.
37:37Because maybe that's just my issue with group sex.
37:40I struggled to keep track of the erections.
37:42And there were many of them in your story.
37:44There was, yes.
37:45Is there a water park at a Navy?
37:46I'm not concerned about that.
37:47I think there should be water parks at Navy's.
37:49Stephen, I loved your story.
37:51I really appreciate that you took some of Lucy's stand-up, what the Zumba classes and her accent.
37:59And you used it in such a cute way, really bringing in a lot of Lucy's work.
38:04And then Lucy went on an adventure, didn't she?
38:07And you placed yourself right in her story.
38:09And it was nice to see you in both stories.
38:11And I could picture you going to a resort populated by gays and elderly women.
38:17That's really your sweet spots.
38:19My energy.
38:19But just by a sliver, I am going to go with Lucy Beaumont's story.
38:23Lucy, you are the winner today.
38:25Oh, thank you.
38:26Thanks.
38:29Do you have any words that you'd like to share to celebrate your win?
38:33I'd like to thank the surgeon that operated on my legs.
38:38You know, the emergency that I had.
38:42And, you know, I've been looking forward to the physio.
38:44And then probably the documentary that will come after that.
38:49And then maybe children in need.
38:52Do you think that might be on the cards?
38:56They're very small.
38:57Yeah.
38:58I'd like to thank you for booking me.
39:02I haven't had a lot of work recently.
39:04But it is picking up now.
39:06I'd like to thank Stephen for his friendship over the years.
39:11I'd like to thank you for your friendship.
39:14Do you think that the airing of these fantasies will change your friendship at all?
39:18I mean, I enjoyed mine.
39:20And I enjoyed a Girls Aloud reference.
39:22So I thank you.
39:24If anything, I feel like it's made us closer.
39:26I think it's brought us closer.
39:27I think it's what we needed.
39:28Good.
39:29Yeah, thank you.
39:30Thank you to my guests, Stephen Bailey and Lucy Beaumont.
39:37Well, hearing Lucy Beaumont's story successfully fulfilled my very wet water park fantasies.
39:43So after Lucy Beaumont left with her official Write Me Dirty Pen,
39:47the book immediately went to print so I could place it on my bookshelf.
39:50And for those at home, if this has inspired you to write your own dirty story,
39:55I'll leave you with the big tip.
40:01Give your characters purpose and depth,
40:04just like how Lucy had the physiological depth to thoughtfully deep throat a swimming noodle.
40:09That's all from me.
40:10Until next time when two more guests will Write Me Dirty.
40:20Write Me Dirty.
40:42Write Me Dirty.
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40:46
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