- 22 hours ago
Abbott Elementary S05E01
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good morning and happy.
00:02My second favorite holiday after Christmas.
00:05Development day every... Ooh, donuts.
00:07Oh, that's nice, but I am cutting today,
00:09so I will just have a yogurt.
00:11Hmm. How am I feeling today, right?
00:13Am I feeling sophisticated? Or am I feeling nutty?
00:15Am I feeling chocolate-frosted?
00:17Janine.
00:18Oh, classic. Thank you.
00:20You know me well, Mel-Mel.
00:22Well, six years will do that to you.
00:24Oh, did you guys hear about the ceiling falling in at Addington?
00:27And that building was built after hours.
00:29Good thing our building's solid.
00:31Morning, y'all. I did get finer.
00:33We don't have to talk about it.
00:34And thanks to whoever brought in these donuts.
00:36I thought you did.
00:37Now, why would I do that?
00:38They were actually here when I came to get my coffee this morning.
00:40Hm.
00:42Donut worry bout a thing.
00:44Oh, that place is great.
00:45Remember I brought in donuts for the last day of school last year?
00:47Oh, yeah, but none of us got any
00:49because we were all determined to clean out our classrooms
00:51and get the hell out of here before rush hour.
00:53All right.
01:03Mr. Johnson, um, you cleaned out the kitchen at the end of last year, right?
01:07Yeah.
01:08Wait, did you say last year?
01:10Yeah.
01:11Oh.
01:12Oh.
01:13Oh.
01:14Be kidding.
01:15Guys, this year's still gonna be great.
01:18I wasn't living here.
01:27Oh, donuts.
01:28Well, welcome back, lollipop.
01:45Yay.
01:46Y'all know what time it is.
01:48It's development day.
01:50Some of the, uh, grownups are dreading school starting,
01:53but let me be the first to say welcome back with a lollipop.
01:57Here you go.
01:59Melissa.
02:00Where are we?
02:02Barbara, you don't want to welcome back lollipop, do you?
02:05I'd love one.
02:07Oh, I'm elated to be back.
02:10At the end of the last school year,
02:12I really found a groove with the music class,
02:15so I spent all summer lesson planning
02:18and familiarizing myself with the music
02:20that the students love these days.
02:22I've just been re-energized.
02:24It's a new chapter in the Book of Barbara.
02:29Can y'all come take a look at something real quick?
02:31Like this?
02:34See, we won't be having any fun this school year.
02:38Somehow the stove got all out of place.
02:41We cannot have the hookups exposed like that.
02:43Not my jurisdiction.
02:44I have someone to come check it out.
02:46Oh, please.
02:47You don't got to call anybody.
02:48Step aside, I got this.
02:49It just needs a little love.
02:52The rumors are true.
02:53I'm in love.
02:54His name is O'Shawn, and he works in tech.
02:57You know, when we first started dating,
02:59everybody was against us.
03:01The district even fired me
03:02to try to break up our relationship,
03:04and Janee tried to keep me from getting my job back.
03:06But in spite of it all, we made it through.
03:10In summary, I go above and beyond
03:17because I'm in love in O'Shawn.
03:20Eva, for the dozenth time,
03:21you really shouldn't show us that stuff.
03:23It is an HR violation.
03:25So is your shirt.
03:26Okay.
03:27What else?
03:28New counselor coming?
03:29Boring.
03:30Oh!
03:31Everyone, please welcome our new fourth grade teacher,
03:33Dominic Clark.
03:35Where do I know that name?
03:40I don't know.
03:41Dominic Clark, did you star in that new Tyler Perry movie,
03:46Madea's Destination Wedding?
03:49No, Miss Howard.
03:50It's me, Dominic.
03:51I was in your kindergarten class.
03:52Oh!
03:53Dominic, how could I forget?
03:56You colored everything red.
03:58Still do.
03:59I'm just playing.
04:00I don't do that anymore.
04:01It's just an honor to be your new colleague.
04:04My new colleague.
04:05Hi, everyone.
04:06Hey, how you doing?
04:07Wow, imagine that.
04:09My kindergarten student of nearly 20 years ago
04:13is my new colleague.
04:15Which is crazy, Barbara,
04:16because you guys look the exact same age.
04:18Yes, we do.
04:19This is not gonna be good.
04:21This is a minefield, okay?
04:23That guy is gonna set Barbara back to old grumpy Barb.
04:26Yeah, no, I'm on this.
04:28All right, due to an increase in middle school students,
04:31Ms. Shamenti will no longer be teaching second grade.
04:34She'll be moving up to teach middle school math in homeroom.
04:38No, no, it's all right.
04:40I already knew.
04:41And, you know, every app is like sports betting these days,
04:44so I figure this is an opportunity for me
04:46to refresh my percentages skills.
04:48And since there aren't enough second graders for two classes,
04:51Ms. Teague's will now have 40 students.
04:53I, for one, am excited to see if it will break her.
04:56It won't. It might.
04:58Okay, now you're just doing crowd work.
04:59We're gonna go finish setting up our classrooms.
05:01Yep, development day over.
05:02Good job, team!
05:03Well, did someone say team?
05:06Who's the suit?
05:07Oh, right.
05:08This paper skeleton is Craig.
05:10The district sent him for some reason.
05:12Uh, yes.
05:14Good morning, Abbott Elementary.
05:16And welcome back.
05:18That's right.
05:19There it is.
05:20Uh, Principal Coleman is right.
05:22I am here for a reason.
05:24The district thinks Abbott is a very special school,
05:28and we wanted to make it more special
05:31by reaffirming some core district principles
05:34and moral guidelines.
05:36Through team building!
05:39This is a result of their no longer trusting us
05:43because of last year's lying.
05:45Extortion of businesses.
05:46Yep, in our annual tradition of unpermitted shows
05:49and festivities.
05:50Maybe.
05:51Yes.
05:52So this is a punishment couched in team building activities?
05:55Yes.
05:56To show we're all one big team
05:58and rebuild the trust between the district and Abbott
06:01that you all shattered,
06:03I will be leading everyone in a day of mandatory team building activities.
06:09So without further adieu,
06:12let's all obligatorily scoot to the library!
06:16Woo!
06:18Oh, come on, everybody.
06:20A few team building games might be fun.
06:23Oh, not games.
06:25Activities.
06:26So, when I was in your kindergarten class 20 years ago...
06:30Let me stop you right there, Dominic.
06:32Oh, uh-oh.
06:33Here we go.
06:34Um, hey, Dom, you should probably just...
06:36You're not trying to keep my cool.
06:39But you got me so excited.
06:42My former student is now my colleague.
06:45Oh, what a blessed day to be alive.
06:47Hey, Poindexter.
06:49Whatever this is, can we hurry it up?
06:51Some of us got real jobs to get back to.
06:53Yeah, okay.
06:54Uh, to start us off,
06:56you're gonna share something people know about you
06:59and something they don't.
07:00So I'll start.
07:01Uh, something people do know about me
07:04is that I love my job.
07:06Uh, something you don't know is that I wear a cross,
07:12but I don't believe in God.
07:14But he believes in you.
07:17I'm Barbara Howard.
07:19And one thing you all know about me
07:22is I have a very strong and loving relationship
07:25with God and Gerald.
07:28Oh, but one thing you don't know is
07:30is I never use the Lord's name in vain.
07:33Mm-mm.
07:34Melissa?
07:36Sweet baby Jesus.
07:37It doesn't count because it's a baby.
07:38Okay, so, sure.
07:39Uh, something that you know about me
07:42is you already know everything you need to know about me.
07:45Something you might not know about me
07:47is that I will smack you in the mouth.
07:49Okay.
07:50Uh, Mr. Johnson.
07:53Something you know about me is I
07:55used to work the chipping day.
07:57Oh, stop your day.
07:58Something you don't know is I swam an entire triathlon.
08:01No, that's just an athlon.
08:03Wait, why swam?
08:04Easy to ride in a kite.
08:06Oh, oh.
08:07I think you mean a bike.
08:08I wouldn't know. Never rode one.
08:09That's why I swam the whole thing.
08:10What do you mean you never rode one?
08:11You never rode one.
08:12You have a Tour de France trophy in your closet.
08:14Yeah, it's for coaching.
08:15Would you know if you,
08:16if you took the time to admire it?
08:18I'm sorry to interrupt,
08:20but what's that smell?
08:22Oh, I love this game.
08:23Oh, yeah.
08:24Uh, it smells like dead squirrel.
08:26No, it's raccoons.
08:27It's raccoons.
08:28Oh, no, I, I know what that smell is.
08:30It's Morton!
08:32It's not me.
08:33Although it does smell like gas.
08:35I chose your profession
08:36that needs to look at that stove.
08:38Probably is Morton's nasty ass.
08:41But I'll go check it out.
08:46Well, I smell a little something-something,
08:48but nothing too crazy, right?
08:53Right?
08:59Oh, damn.
09:01Oh, damn!
09:03Okay, who would like to go next?
09:05Nobody panic, but I'm gonna need
09:07everybody to leave with love.
09:08Oh, no.
09:09Outside.
09:10Immediately.
09:11Lovingly.
09:12Did I mention I was in love?
09:13Who else got something to live for?
09:14What?
09:15Let's go. Come on.
09:17All right, so,
09:18the district will have someone out here
09:20to fix the gas leak,
09:21but what it won't be able to fix
09:23is the fractured moral infrastructure
09:25of this school.
09:26What?
09:27Now, split up into five groups,
09:29each one will have a different activity
09:31that I will walk you through.
09:33Look, the sooner we finish this,
09:36the sooner you'll be able
09:37to get back to your day.
09:39All right, so what is this?
09:40Some kind of metaphor about how
09:42we need to jumpstart our school year?
09:44No.
09:45Just didn't realize how many people
09:46there would be, and those were in my trunk.
09:52You are welcome to come to me
09:53with any problem or concern,
09:55big or small.
09:56I am here to help.
09:57She does have an office hour, though,
09:59so you might want to, you know,
10:00store a bunch of problems
10:01over several weeks.
10:02But if I'm in the office,
10:04those hours are open.
10:06In fact, let me just give you my cell.
10:08What the heck?
10:09Just giving that sucker away for free?
10:12What?
10:13You mad because your real mom left you,
10:14and now your fake mom is leaving you too?
10:16No.
10:17It's just...
10:19Barb's all happy now,
10:20which is great.
10:21But this guy is getting the barb
10:23I had to work three years for.
10:24Besides, I'm supposed to be
10:25the recipient to her mentorship,
10:27you know?
10:28The up-and-comer to her veteran ways.
10:29The scrappy-do to her scoobs.
10:31Now he's scrappy?
10:32I just...
10:33Ooh!
10:34Way to go, Hoopers!
10:36A fun new wrinkle is to try
10:38with your eyes closed.
10:40And what else is left up
10:41for grabs in the mystery gang,
10:42you know?
10:43Because Gregory's Fred,
10:44and Jacob is Velma,
10:46and Melissa's Daphne.
10:48I'm Daphne.
10:49My God, Janine.
10:50Your perception is damningly awful.
10:52My point is,
10:53who am I at Abbott now?
10:57Who am I?
11:00Hey, you know,
11:01I was thinking about what you said
11:02about the triathlon.
11:04You really can't ride a bike?
11:06Never had time to learn.
11:08That is wild.
11:09You live such a full life,
11:10I just don't know how
11:11riding a bike got skipped over.
11:13I worked a lot as a kid.
11:15Well, if you want,
11:16I can teach you how to ride a bike.
11:18It's never too late to learn.
11:19What about your group?
11:21They're fine.
11:22Gregory?
11:23Um, which direction do I turn?
11:25Uh, Gregory?
11:26Middle schoolers, huh?
11:28Surprised you didn't mention it
11:29all summer since, you know,
11:30I teach middle school,
11:31and, well, we live together,
11:33so we see each other every day.
11:34Well, what's to mention?
11:35Kids are kids.
11:36The only difference is the math.
11:37I spent the summer learning
11:38to do that, so...
11:39There's a lot more to it than math, okay?
11:41Pre-teens are very different than second graders.
11:44Eh, not really.
11:45Just add a few years in puberty.
11:47I talk to the older girls all the time.
11:49Well, talking is great.
11:51Talking is fun, but teaching?
11:53The second you become their teacher,
11:55you become their enemy.
11:56Right, Martin?
11:57They're gonna eat you alive.
11:59Okay, no offense,
12:00but this sounds like a YouTube problem.
12:02Okay, well, you have no idea
12:07what they're capable of.
12:08Yeah.
12:09You want a taste?
12:10Uh, gross, but, yeah.
12:13Do your worst.
12:14Yeah, Craig!
12:16We finished in what I can only imagine
12:18is record time.
12:20Amazing!
12:21Yes!
12:22You'll never guess what level two is.
12:23Don't tell me.
12:24It's reverse.
12:25It's reverse.
12:26Yeah!
12:27Look alive, people!
12:28Reverse!
12:29Reverse!
12:30Okay.
12:31So I'm young enough to be the ingenue,
12:33but that's been usurped.
12:35Barbara's doing the optimistic
12:36and positive thing.
12:38There's not a grump on the first floor.
12:41I could be the downstairs grump.
12:42Now, see, if you had a better personality,
12:44you wouldn't have to search for one.
12:45You could use that time to find a man.
12:47Okay.
12:48You know that I'm dating Gregory.
12:50That's still happening?
12:52Sorry.
12:53I haven't been able to keep up
12:54ever since I started dating
12:55the world's only real man, O'Shawn.
12:58Good for you.
12:59No one cares.
13:00That was my attempt of being a grump.
13:03I may have overshot it.
13:04Yeah.
13:05All right.
13:06I got us a bite.
13:07Okay, Mr. Johnson, get on up here.
13:10Maybe not right now.
13:11My knees aren't feeling so good.
13:12Yo, it's actually better for your knees than walking.
13:14Well, I forgot my baseball card to put in the spokes.
13:19All right.
13:20Come on.
13:21No excuses.
13:22Okay, I'll even hold on until you get the hang of it.
13:24Okay.
13:25Here we go.
13:26Yeah.
13:27There you go.
13:28All right.
13:29There it is.
13:30Promise not to let go.
13:31I promise.
13:33Pinky promise.
13:34Well, I can't.
13:35Now I'm holding on to the bike.
13:37Look, these kids are mean.
13:38One told me, that's why your bitch left you, bitch.
13:39I think you're overdoing it on the B word.
13:40I don't think he's doing it enough.
13:41Hey, why'd you rat out your brother and get him locked up?
13:42What?
13:43That never happened.
13:44And scene.
13:45I was being a kid.
13:46We live in a post-truth landscape, and these kids hit below the belt.
13:47Which is where you haven't been touched in years, snitch.
13:48Unless you count sweet cheeks.
13:49You keep my son's name out your filthy mouth.
13:52And don't even think about talking back to them, or you will get written up.
13:55Every day is like an episode of Scared Straight.
13:57Take your shoes off.
13:58Okay.
13:59All right.
14:00All right.
14:01All right.
14:02All right.
14:03All right.
14:04All right.
14:05All right.
14:06All right.
14:07All right.
14:08All right.
14:09All right.
14:10Let's go to Scared Straight.
14:11Take your shoes off.
14:12Okay.
14:13Who are we in this scenario?
14:14Everyone.
14:15You still got me?
14:17I got you.
14:18I got you.
14:19And you have to handle all of this while teaching.
14:21And if even one kid gets the best of you, that could be a wrap for the period.
14:24Or the year.
14:25Oh, no.
14:26Uh-uh.
14:27These kids are gonna respect.
14:28Uh-uh.
14:29Don't curse.
14:30They won't report you.
14:31Yeah.
14:32I'll report you.
14:33He just cursed.
14:34He can do that.
14:35You see?
14:36He's a little boy.
14:37Actually, I'm a little girl.
14:38You ain't hard, homie.
14:39Just keep moving forward.
14:40What?
14:41You're doing great.
14:42Eight.
14:43Yeah, seven.
14:44What are we doing now?
14:45Rating you to your face.
14:46Have you ever been called a one on a day you just knew you were ten?
14:50You're a one.
14:51One.
14:52One.
14:53One.
14:54One.
14:55Stop it.
14:56Stop.
14:57Stop.
14:58No, no, no.
14:59Don't stop.
15:00Walk forward.
15:01There you go.
15:02You got it.
15:03I told you.
15:04Turn left.
15:05No, no, no.
15:06Go right.
15:07Go right.
15:08You got it before.
15:09Looks like we're gonna be here all day.
15:13Mm-mm-mm.
15:14New Year, same old Abbott.
15:16Mm-mm.
15:17No, just at the top.
15:19We'll do it twice.
15:21You all get done to Gregory.
15:24Why?
15:25Because whatever break you're gonna donate to me and I like those shoulders Gregory.
15:30Well, today was supposed to be about building trust and working together as a team and the
15:35only thing you accomplish together is how to fail in unique ways.
15:40Progress.
15:41And now you get to start over and do it again.
15:44Oh, no.
15:45Well, I, for one, can't stand this.
15:47Right?
15:48Because this guy sucks.
15:49You all suck.
15:50And this whole day sucks.
15:51Right, guys?
15:52Well, it may suck, but if we don't finish today, we can always come back on the weekend.
15:57Oh, yeah.
15:58No.
15:59Absolutely not.
16:00Oh, okay.
16:01Hey, Ava, listen up.
16:02Um, you know, I was thinking about this whole grade switch thing and I think it might be
16:06better if Janine did the swap instead of me because, uh, Sweet Cheeks is afraid of heights.
16:12So, you know, for him it's ground floor or nothing.
16:15Um, no, guinea pigs are from the Andes.
16:17They're not afraid of heights.
16:19All right, listen, I...
16:22A change is big.
16:24I just don't know if I'm, like, exactly up for it.
16:29Zero problem whatsoever.
16:32Bring it on.
16:33Those kids are about to get a lesson in learning lessons and you can quote me on that.
16:38That's what you said in June when I asked you about this.
16:41There's no going back.
16:42Here, this will tear you up.
16:45That's O'Shawn shirtless in Wildwood.
16:48It is.
16:49No, actually, it kind of helps.
16:51You sure it does.
16:52Good job.
16:54Hey, Mel.
16:55So, about before.
16:57You were totally busting my chops about how the sixth graders act, right?
17:00I knew it.
17:01No, we weren't.
17:02And those were just the experiences that I haven't repressed yet.
17:08Sorry.
17:09Janine, I could really use a positive spin on my situation.
17:13You're screwed.
17:14You are not the two, you are the one.
17:17One.
17:18Girlfriend, I have seen you handle challenges far more difficult than a bunch of sixth graders.
17:24You've got this.
17:26Thanks, Bart.
17:27I appreciate it.
17:28Hey, you wouldn't want to take a shot at the sixth grade this year, would you?
17:32I'd rather retire.
17:33I am so lucky to be around such a veteran like Miss Howard.
17:35Duh.
17:36She's the greatest teacher ever.
17:37Right?
17:38I just wish I could ask her a couple more questions.
17:39I don't want to keep bothering her.
17:40You think maybe I could text her later?
17:41Oh my god, we get it!
17:42You have her cell phone number.
17:43What you want to ask her?
17:44What do you want to ask her?
17:49It's pretty basic.
17:50I just, uh, should I take role as soon as class starts in the morning?
17:56What'd you want to ask her?
18:02It's pretty basic. I just, uh...
18:05Should I take roll as soon as class starts in the morning?
18:08Oh, no. Ten-minute grace period.
18:11A lot of the kids take SEPTA. It's a whole thing.
18:14I learned the hard way my first year.
18:16Sure, I'm gonna have to learn the hard way a thousand times.
18:18Oh, yeah, you definitely will.
18:20And you're gonna want to scream and contemplate your life choices,
18:24and it's all normal.
18:26If you have any more questions and Barbara's busy,
18:30you can always just ask me.
18:33I appreciate that.
18:34That's what I'm here for.
18:36That is who I am now. I don't have to be a grump.
18:39I can be me and be a mentor.
18:41I'm gonna put the me in mentor.
18:44Meantor.
18:45The teacher has become the teacher.
18:50I need to get out of the sun.
18:52I just can't ride a bike, okay?
18:53Look, they say you fall down seven times.
18:56You stand up, Amy.
18:57I gotta fall six more times.
18:59Hey.
19:00How's it going over here?
19:01Bad.
19:02He's scared to get back on the bike.
19:04Okay.
19:05Well, I could help.
19:06I'm a brand new me.
19:07What do you mean?
19:08You sound the same.
19:09Oh, you missed the whole thing.
19:10I went through a bunch of different personalities, landed here.
19:13Still sound the same.
19:13I'll tell you about it later.
19:14Okay.
19:15But, Mr. Johnson, I know you can ride the bike.
19:18Because I believe in you.
19:23I know what to do.
19:25Uh, everyone, stop what you're doing and come over here.
19:27Mr. Johnson needs our help.
19:29No, no, please don't do that.
19:32Please.
19:32If we don't finish, you have to come in on the weekend.
19:36You look like a guy that loves coming in on weekends.
19:39Monday through Friday, the best days of the week to you, huh?
19:41Well, my weekends rule.
19:43Yeah, okay.
19:44All right.
19:45Go, Mr. J.
19:46Yeah, what's the worst that could happen?
19:48I fall over and die.
19:49Well, that's just fair.
19:52Look, Mr. Johnson, if you fall, we will catch you.
19:56I promise.
19:56Okay?
19:57All right.
19:59All right.
19:59You back up on this horse?
20:00Man, the horse is easy.
20:02His bikes I'm afraid of.
20:03Hey, you got this, all right?
20:06All right, here we go.
20:07Ready?
20:08Come on, Mr. J.
20:09You got it.
20:10Come on, you got it.
20:13You got it.
20:19Go!
20:21Go, Mr. J!
20:22Go, Mr. J!
20:24Go!
20:24I feel like we're starting to lose focus.
20:28You all need to prove your virtuousness.
20:31Great.
20:33Isn't that what we're doing right here?
20:36Huh?
20:37Yeah.
20:38Yeah.
20:39Well, maybe this qualifies as completion of team building.
20:43Wait, really?
20:44Yes.
20:45Also, I have tickets to the Ren Fair this weekend, so I'm going to need this to count.
20:49Okay.
20:52Fix the leak.
20:53Good news.
20:55Killed a bunch of mice in your walls.
20:57Bad news.
20:57Ain't my job to get rid of them.
20:59Worst news.
21:00I notice you have HVAC issues.
21:03You mean like AC and heat and stuff?
21:04Yep.
21:05And you're not going to have any of that if you don't get a specialist in here.
21:09You got someone to handle this?
21:10Well, I'm sure Mr. Johnson's on top of it.
21:13It's around here somewhere.
21:14Grab it and it's just now to stop.
21:18Just use the handlebar brake.
21:20It's a fixie.
21:21Just stop pedaling.
21:23Delicious.
21:24In a bar car for me.
Recommended
0:15
|
Up next
0:14
0:15
0:30
0:15
1:07
0:30
1:07
1:07
1:07
1:31
1:14
1:31
48:49
42:31
1:04:30
29:01
40:23
1:03:03
42:48
43:41
45:32
43:53
44:50
Be the first to comment