- 2 days ago
A young woman tries online dating during lockdown and falls for a charming man, but soon learns he may not be who he first seemed on the screen.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00I
00:00:17But you still don't match up to me, right?
00:00:21Yes, you'll never catch up to me
00:00:25The trust me they're nothing compared to yours no I try
00:00:31But you still don't match up to me
00:00:33Thank you for the message, but I haven't got the time
00:00:35If you ain't got time for me
00:00:37Thank you for the flowers, but I got an allergy
00:00:39Guess I chose you don't own me
00:00:42Turned up my door with a message on a card
00:00:44Dude, I'll tell you where I live
00:00:46I'm waiting for someone who really wants to put me first
00:00:48I've given all I've got to give
00:00:51Swipe right
00:00:53But you still don't match up to me
00:00:56Swipe right
00:00:58Guess you'll never catch up to me
00:01:00And I know I've got my flaws
00:01:02But trust me that nothing compared to yours no I try
00:01:07But you still don't match up to me
00:01:09Eh-oh
00:01:10Eh-oh
00:01:11Eh-oh
00:01:12Eh-oh
00:01:13Eh-oh
00:01:14Eh-oh
00:01:15Eh-oh
00:01:16Eh-oh
00:01:17Eh-oh
00:01:18Eh-oh
00:01:19Eh-oh
00:01:20Eh-oh
00:01:21Eh-oh
00:01:22Eh-oh
00:01:23Eh-oh
00:01:24But you still don't match up to me.
00:01:28First dates are always so strange.
00:01:30I never know how to get the ball rolling.
00:01:32I would like you to tell me the story of your wines, please.
00:01:37One is red, one is white.
00:01:39They eat blocks of glass. The end.
00:01:41Four eggs, bacon, no potatoes, no toast. Capisce?
00:01:47Oh, yes. I capisce.
00:01:49Well, for the second date, we're just gonna go to my gym.
00:01:52I'd love to train you.
00:01:54You know, get those arms nice and tight.
00:01:57I'd like to show you some push-ups if you have a moment.
00:02:01Oh, I actually already have a personal trainer, but, uh...
00:02:05What about going to see a movie?
00:02:08What's your favorite?
00:02:10How about you tell me a delicious little secret?
00:02:14Something you have never told anyone.
00:02:18Oh, um...
00:02:20Okay?
00:02:23Well...
00:02:24Once, I ate an entire bag of Oreos on a dare at summer camp.
00:02:29By delicious, I did mean...
00:02:32What's something you would only tell a lover?
00:02:37Oh.
00:02:38Well...
00:02:39Um...
00:02:40I do like to be tied up, you know, with silk ties.
00:02:49Well, I do happen to have one right here.
00:02:54When I was a kid, I loved Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
00:02:57I love that movie.
00:02:58Are you kidding me?
00:03:00Well, the second one.
00:03:01The first one's trash.
00:03:04The second one?
00:03:05I will have the steak.
00:03:07Very, very well done.
00:03:10Burn it and soak it in Thousand-Aven dressing, please.
00:03:14Wet.
00:03:15Wet.
00:03:18Mmm.
00:03:21Medium rare.
00:03:31Perfect.
00:03:321
00:03:345
00:03:362
00:03:37Dos
00:03:399
00:03:422
00:03:43projets
00:03:494
00:03:525
00:03:541
00:03:551
00:03:562
00:04:27You want to talk about it?
00:04:49No.
00:04:54Why is it so hard to find a good guy?
00:04:57Because you're not looking for a good guy.
00:04:58You're looking for the perfect guy.
00:05:00And they don't exist.
00:05:03What?
00:05:04I can't have a type?
00:05:05I mean, everybody's got a type.
00:05:07Yes, everyone has a type.
00:05:10But you don't have a type.
00:05:11You have a gauntlet.
00:05:15Here's you.
00:05:18He's a great guy, right?
00:05:19This is him.
00:05:24Needing to be hot.
00:05:26You jumped over that really easy.
00:05:29I mean, it's because he works out all the time.
00:05:31This is him.
00:05:33Being successful and rich.
00:05:37So far, he's doing great.
00:05:38And this is all the nitpicky crap you're going to come up with to justify rejecting him anyway.
00:05:48Nitpicky?
00:05:49Come on.
00:05:51What about that guy who did voiceovers?
00:05:56Dennis?
00:05:57Mm-hmm.
00:05:58With the tooth thing?
00:05:59Wasn't that noticeable?
00:06:01Yeah, but it was there.
00:06:02It was, like, right there.
00:06:04Every time he smiled.
00:06:06Okay.
00:06:06What about the guy that owned that big electronics store?
00:06:11Oh, Cole.
00:06:12Yeah.
00:06:14Oh.
00:06:14Now, he got all the lyrics wrong, and it was so annoying.
00:06:19Well, what about that hot s*** Latino guy that owned the bar?
00:06:24Okay.
00:06:25Now, he made a really weird sound when he chewed,
00:06:29and one of his toes was freakishly short.
00:06:32So, that is not, I can't help that.
00:06:35You know, the reason why you keep rejecting these guys has nothing to do with them.
00:06:39So, what should I do?
00:06:40I mean, date a guy, string him along, then break his heart eventually?
00:06:45I mean, tell me how that's better.
00:06:47You are an amazing, smart, beautiful woman who deserves a great guy.
00:06:52The universe keeps sending them to you, and you keep returning them.
00:06:55Eventually, it's going to be too late.
00:06:59Hey, what's so funny?
00:07:17Oh, you don't want to know.
00:07:18Oh, so clicky.
00:07:19I still love you both, just a little bit less.
00:07:22How was your date with Mr. Cargo Shorts, Miles?
00:07:25It went exactly how I thought it was going to go.
00:07:27I almost fell asleep in my tiramisu.
00:07:29So boring.
00:07:31That's too bad.
00:07:32He was so cute.
00:07:33I know, but you've got to be this cute to get away with cargo shorts, honey.
00:07:36How do you take it?
00:07:37The usual way.
00:07:40You still slept with him?
00:07:41A lady never tells.
00:07:42A toast to somebody who just secured the storefront on Melrose that they've been stocking for a year.
00:07:53Oh, my God.
00:07:54You are a rock star.
00:07:55We start construction next month.
00:07:57I just got a shipment of the most beautiful fabric the world has ever seen.
00:08:01Do you want to see the new one?
00:08:01Yes, yes, yes.
00:08:02Okay.
00:08:03Bam.
00:08:05Llamas.
00:08:06Alpacas.
00:08:07Llamas are so 2018.
00:08:08Of course, Donna by Design will be doing the grand opening.
00:08:12Of course.
00:08:13What if we have actual alpacas there?
00:08:16And then we make the gift bags out of your material.
00:08:19Do alpacas spit?
00:08:21I think that's camels.
00:08:22No, alpacas do spit, but not the ones you ride.
00:08:25They're chill.
00:08:25They'll do selfies.
00:08:32Hi, baby.
00:08:34You want garlic potatoes and steak chicken tonight?
00:08:37Hmm.
00:08:37Surprise me.
00:08:40Paul is so insanely hot.
00:08:42Mm-hmm.
00:08:42Just your average gourmet chef bodybuilder who can't keep his hands off me.
00:08:46His arms are ridiculous.
00:08:48You know how the elevator in our building's from, like, the 1800s?
00:08:52Literally, anytime it's not working, he just carries me up the stairs.
00:08:55It's so romantic.
00:08:56Oh.
00:08:57Speaking of romantic, enjoy your little sleepover, did we?
00:09:00Yes, with the night.
00:09:01Try to keep up.
00:09:02Okay, it was fine.
00:09:04Until...
00:09:05Okay, here it comes.
00:09:06Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
00:09:07Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
00:09:08You guys, he wears tighty-whities.
00:09:10It would be like having with my dad.
00:09:12Your dad wears boxer briefs.
00:09:14What?
00:09:14I accidentally saw him changing during one of your pool parties in middle school.
00:09:18Ew.
00:09:18Oh.
00:09:19Oh.
00:09:19Your daddy was packing heat.
00:09:21Ew, stop.
00:09:23Oh, my God.
00:09:23That's a very large penis.
00:09:24No.
00:09:25Oh, no.
00:09:25This is ridiculous.
00:09:27Give me that.
00:09:27I'm going to pick the next one, and I dare you to find something wrong with him.
00:09:31Okay.
00:09:32Ad exec.
00:09:33Major agency gorgeous.
00:09:35Six-one.
00:09:36And I know he doesn't wear tighty-whities, because here's a picture of him looking fine.
00:09:40And a pair of $165 Derrick Rose boxers.
00:09:44Bam.
00:09:45Bald.
00:09:46So?
00:09:48I don't find bald guys in the way.
00:09:50I never have.
00:09:50I can't get past the whole Mr. Clean thing.
00:09:52Mr. Clean is hot.
00:09:54And you know his house would be spotlight.
00:09:57That's strange.
00:09:58They're saying that whole virus thing is crazy contagious.
00:10:02Like it could end up being a pandemic.
00:10:05The news is so extra.
00:10:07Always exaggerating.
00:10:10Delivery.
00:10:22Okay, thanks.
00:10:31All right.
00:10:32Mask up.
00:10:36Oh!
00:10:37Oh!
00:10:38Oh my gosh.
00:10:39I am so sorry.
00:10:39I thought you were done.
00:10:41I'm almost done.
00:10:43Oh my God.
00:10:43I know that wasn't six feet, but I want you to know I have not left my house since lockdown
00:10:48started.
00:10:49Okay?
00:10:50I have not had close physical contact with anyone else.
00:10:53Like in a long time.
00:10:55Like even before the virus.
00:10:58Oh.
00:10:59That's sad.
00:11:00Well, I mean, you know, I have friends and I go on dates, but, you know, I just don't
00:11:05hook up with anybody.
00:11:06What I'm saying is I'm totally safe.
00:11:09Oh.
00:11:10Can I go now?
00:11:12Of course.
00:11:12Of course.
00:11:13I'll wait till you're done.
00:11:14I'll wait till you're done.
00:11:14All right.
00:11:15So, that's like that.
00:11:33Okay.
00:11:37Okay.
00:11:41There we go.
00:12:12Okay, so instead of starting with our usual sporkle quiz to loosen everyone up, I thought
00:12:39we might try something else.
00:12:40A new What's Your Princess game.
00:12:44I sent a link.
00:12:45Claire, you go first.
00:12:48If I don't get Snow White, this thing is broken.
00:12:54Oh, Cinderella.
00:12:55So basic.
00:12:57Brian, something wrong with your camera.
00:12:59We can't see you.
00:13:00Sorry, Tony.
00:13:03It's been one of those mornings.
00:13:05You know, like every morning until the end of time.
00:13:10Apparently.
00:13:11Dad, I need the computer for Zoom class and Devin is using it to play Minecraft.
00:13:16Dad, my teacher said I can do Minecraft for my math assignment.
00:13:21Excuse me for a moment.
00:13:23Daddy is working.
00:13:25Now, although I'm in the shower, I am at work.
00:13:28And from what I'm seeing down here, Devin, you got two options, young man.
00:13:32Either you learn how to wipe the toilet seat and get the pee off of it, or learn how to
00:13:35be a man and hit the can.
00:13:37Do I make myself clear, sir?
00:13:39Sorry, I was just helping the kids with the homework.
00:13:47Where were we?
00:13:48Oh, the princess thing.
00:13:53Wait, Milan isn't a princess.
00:13:57She's a warrior.
00:13:59Vanessa.
00:14:01Yeah.
00:14:04Ah, Snow White.
00:14:06Great.
00:14:07Okay, right.
00:14:10Whatever.
00:14:11Can we start, please?
00:14:13I have a client with a ton of questionables on his Google results.
00:14:17Can we take a look at Greg Swandon?
00:14:20What a creep.
00:14:21Did you see a Snapchat profile pic?
00:14:25He didn't even pay the nursing home.
00:14:27His own mother died there.
00:14:28It gets worse.
00:14:29There's a ton of nasty reviews on Amazon, and he had so many anti-immigrant tweets that
00:14:33his housekeepers quit.
00:14:34That wasn't because of the tweets.
00:14:36That's why they sued him for harassment.
00:14:38I'm going to have to write a ton of content to push this past the first two pages.
00:14:46I'm at work.
00:14:48Well, I tell you to call me back later, but I'm about to have a heart attack from stress,
00:14:51so don't worry about it.
00:14:52I want a simple memorial.
00:14:54Cardi B should do something from her first album.
00:14:56I want to be buried in that gray suit with a collar, and I want my ashes scattered at
00:15:00Fred Siegel.
00:15:01Okay.
00:15:02Everybody, relax.
00:15:04Relax.
00:15:05The bank is going to foreclose on my store if I don't come up with some payments.
00:15:08Honey, I'm sure that everyone's going to start buying stuff again soon.
00:15:11And when is that?
00:15:12A year from now?
00:15:13I'll be living in a box by then.
00:15:16Luckily, I have a ton to choose from since I'm surrounded by inventory I can't use.
00:15:20I sold one shirt in the last week, and I'm pretty sure the guy's just going to use it
00:15:24as toilet paper.
00:15:33We're just wondering what's so funny about this client being wrongfully accused of strangling
00:15:36a sex worker.
00:15:42Okay, so the Nobel Prize for blank goes to blank.
00:15:50Whining, the whole internet.
00:15:56Hey, babe.
00:15:57Can you pick me up my prescription before they close?
00:16:00Sure.
00:16:01Okay, you got masks, gloves, sanitizer?
00:16:04Yes, ma'am.
00:16:05Okay, you get in, get the prescription, and get out.
00:16:08No browsing.
00:16:10Right?
00:16:10And have a wet wipe ready to touch the door handle.
00:16:13Aye, aye, captain.
00:16:18See you guys.
00:16:20You're fun.
00:16:25Okay, so you know how my birthday is only eight months away?
00:16:28Yes, everyone knows.
00:16:30Yeah, we all know.
00:16:31Will you please get help?
00:16:32Get help right away.
00:16:33Okay, so I think Paul is planning something big.
00:16:36Like, really big.
00:16:37Like, getting down on one knee big.
00:16:40Well, it seems like a weird time for a protest, but I'm down for the cause.
00:16:43Seriously?
00:16:44What makes you think that?
00:16:45He's being super cagey about the specifics.
00:16:47Hmm, maybe it's because it's literally eight months away.
00:16:52Look, all I do is plan other people's big days.
00:16:56And now it's finally my turn.
00:16:59Or at least it will be once the virus is gone.
00:17:03Wait.
00:17:04Hey, check him out.
00:17:06I would kill for all that hair.
00:17:09No jury in the world would convict me.
00:17:13It's a match!
00:17:14He said that he now has day pajamas and night pajamas.
00:17:20I'm gonna go talk to him.
00:17:22Donna, don't hang up.
00:17:22You're not doing anything.
00:17:23Okay.
00:17:31Hi.
00:17:33Hi.
00:17:35Okay, Miss Gorgeous.
00:17:37What the hell are you doing on this lame dating app?
00:17:40Oh, you know, just looking for a little fun while my husband's on a sold-out tour with his Grammy award-winning band.
00:17:47Is it Bono?
00:17:48It's Bono, isn't it?
00:17:50Hmm, I can't tell you that.
00:17:52But yes, it's Bono.
00:17:53Wow, now that is impressive.
00:17:56And my wife is a supermodel with two PhDs, so I certainly would know.
00:18:04God, this is so weird, isn't it?
00:18:06I have watched every video on the internet, and I mean every single one.
00:18:11I haven't worn a bra in weeks.
00:18:13Me neither.
00:18:16You know, I went to get something out of my purse yesterday, and I was like, oh my god, that's right.
00:18:20We used to have purses.
00:18:22I'm pretty sure my shoes think I died.
00:18:27It just all happened so fast, didn't it?
00:18:31I remember when they told us to sing happy birthday while we washed our hands, and I was like, okay.
00:18:37Seems like a million years ago.
00:18:39So, um, do you want to take this to the next level and FaceTime?
00:18:47Whoa, slow down there.
00:18:48We just met.
00:18:51Uh, sure.
00:18:52Why not?
00:18:54Okay.
00:18:54Okay.
00:18:56All right.
00:18:57Uh, is Brandon there?
00:19:25Yeah.
00:19:26Let me get him for you.
00:19:33Ta-da!
00:19:34Oh.
00:19:36It's you.
00:19:38I, I, it's just that your profile pic, you know, you looked a lot, uh...
00:19:42Younger, with more hair.
00:19:44Yeah.
00:19:45I, I, they're not the most recent photos, but they're all me.
00:19:49Ah.
00:19:51Gotcha.
00:19:51But I did lie about something.
00:19:54Okay.
00:19:55Yeah, I don't have day and night pajamas.
00:19:58What I have are inside and outside pajamas.
00:20:05And those are?
00:20:07Well, these are outside pajamas, of course.
00:20:10What kind of Neanderthal would greet a lady in his inside pajamas, please?
00:20:12Well, at least you have a nice place to quarantine.
00:20:17I mean, that fireplace is huge.
00:20:19Yes, but it's not how big it is.
00:20:21It's how you use it.
00:20:26So, uh, what do you do?
00:20:29What do I do?
00:20:30I, uh, I help rich people manage their time so that they can make even more money.
00:20:38Ah, a consultant.
00:20:41Oh, hello.
00:20:43Yes, hello.
00:20:45Oh, my God, who's this?
00:20:47Uh, this is Countryside Winter Belle of Northampton Acres.
00:20:50You're kidding me.
00:20:52I wish I was.
00:20:53Yeah, I didn't name her.
00:20:54She's a, a show champion.
00:20:56But I call her Steve.
00:20:57Say hello, Steve.
00:20:59Oh, poor princess.
00:21:01That's terrible.
00:21:02Uh, she's adorable, so she gets away with murder.
00:21:04Which I'm sure you can relate to.
00:21:09Uh, Brandon.
00:21:12Okay, you're killing my game here, Steve.
00:21:13I seriously was crushing this.
00:21:15Look, you're a great guy.
00:21:17Great.
00:21:18I'll meet you at City Hall in an hour, and we can tie the knot.
00:21:24No, I get it.
00:21:25You're, uh, you're out of my league.
00:21:28Well, I didn't say that.
00:21:30Didn't you?
00:21:32I'm really sorry.
00:21:35Yeah.
00:21:36Look, I know I should have put up more recent photos, and, uh, I also know how the world works.
00:21:44And for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm running out of time.
00:21:53Turns out, a global pandemic can cause a lot of soul searching.
00:21:56Who knew?
00:21:57Hey, maybe there's a multiverse out there where your insides matter more than your outsides.
00:22:01And if there is, I'll meet you there.
00:22:04But, uh, until then, I'm sorry I wasted your time.
00:22:10Say goodbye to the nice lady, Steve.
00:22:12Goodbye.
00:22:12Uh, wait.
00:22:17How do you like your steak?
00:22:18My steak?
00:22:20Like, literally?
00:22:21Or is this some kind of a thing?
00:22:23No, literally.
00:22:25Uh, medium?
00:22:26Uh, usually I just leave it up to the chef.
00:22:29Nothing weird on top?
00:22:30Is steak sauce weird?
00:22:31Okay.
00:22:35If you had to choose, the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, or the Tim Burton remake?
00:22:40You are not seriously asking me that.
00:22:43I am.
00:22:44Okay, if aliens were given that remake to decide whether or not to keep us alive as a species,
00:22:49they would instantly vaporize us.
00:22:51And they should.
00:22:53Right, Steve?
00:22:54Dogs or cats?
00:23:01Hmm.
00:23:02Well, I'm actually allergic to cats, but I love them so much, I'm gonna pick them anyway.
00:23:08Sorry, Steve.
00:23:10Oh, she's already stormed off to file a complaint with HR.
00:23:14My mistake.
00:23:15It's time for the morning walkies.
00:23:17Oh, crap.
00:23:18What time is it?
00:23:20It is 8.52.
00:23:22I have to be at work in 8 minutes.
00:23:24Oh, my God, quit getting in the shower.
00:23:25Ah, where are my shoes?
00:23:28No, but seriously, I do have to go.
00:23:30I try and look semi-human for work.
00:23:32Well, this was really nice.
00:23:35Yeah, it certainly was.
00:23:38Can I call you later?
00:23:39Sure.
00:23:40I'll be done around 2.
00:23:42Oh, yeah, 2 won't work.
00:23:45I'll be placing my empty pizza box on top of my trash Jenga pile.
00:23:49How's 3?
00:23:49Mmm, no, sorry.
00:23:52That's not gonna work, because I'm gonna be holding my hair like this to see if bangs
00:23:56would work at 3, so...
00:23:57Yeah, well, this just isn't gonna work out.
00:24:01Oh, no, you know, I guess not.
00:24:03It's nice meeting you, though.
00:24:04Stay safe.
00:24:04Stay safe.
00:24:05Jinx!
00:24:06Oh!
00:24:07Well, now I'm gonna have to call you so you can un-jinx me.
00:24:12You hang up first.
00:24:12No, you hang up first.
00:24:20Anyone else have anything?
00:24:23I need an article about 90s TV shows.
00:24:27Vanessa, why don't you do it?
00:24:28You grew up watching them.
00:24:30I'm only 9 years older than you.
00:24:3310.
00:24:33What ifs?
00:24:36See, that's something old people say.
00:24:38Like lit or fam or Facebook.
00:24:43Okay, before we say goodbye, let's just go around and do one quick round of...
00:24:47Oh, I...
00:24:48I...
00:24:49My modem is freezing.
00:24:50I...
00:24:51Let me...
00:24:52Back...
00:24:52Oh, no.
00:24:56Miles, no.
00:24:56We talked about this.
00:24:57I am a carbon-based life form.
00:24:59This is how we process waste.
00:25:01It's disgusting.
00:25:01Everybody poops, Donna.
00:25:03I read it in a book.
00:25:05Would you just call us back when you're done?
00:25:07Wait.
00:25:09I'm done.
00:25:11Oh, God.
00:25:16That was not 20 seconds.
00:25:22I'm in my home, home, Donatella.
00:25:25What am I touching?
00:25:26Everything.
00:25:30Oh.
00:25:31I'm so sorry.
00:25:32Excuse me.
00:25:34I'm just a little tired from my all-nighter last night.
00:25:36Oh.
00:25:38You cybered with Mr. Great Hair last night?
00:25:41Yep.
00:25:42His name is Brandon.
00:25:44And to be honest, those pics were from like 20 pounds and two inches of hairline ago.
00:25:49I knew it.
00:25:50That was the hair of the gods.
00:25:51Wait.
00:25:52I'm confused.
00:25:53It took you all night to tell him never to contact you again?
00:25:58Brutal.
00:26:01No.
00:26:02We actually spent all night getting to know each other.
00:26:05Never met anyone like him.
00:26:08But?
00:26:09There's no but.
00:26:10There's always a but.
00:26:12Not this time.
00:26:14He's funny and sweet, smart.
00:26:17And, you know, he also has an insane home in the Hollywood Hills, so.
00:26:21Okay.
00:26:22So, you're not attracted to him.
00:26:24You're attracted to his house.
00:26:26Hey, that's not fair.
00:26:27She's attracted to his job also.
00:26:29Yes.
00:26:29He's successful.
00:26:31But he's also not my type.
00:26:33So, I feel like those two things cancel each other out.
00:26:34That isn't how love works.
00:26:37It's not anti-matter.
00:26:40Isn't it?
00:26:41I mean, we trade the imperfections we can't live with for the ones that we can.
00:26:45Plus, you guys knew me before.
00:26:47You know how hard I've worked to really get to like who I am today.
00:26:52Yeah, sure, you were fluffier and your skin was interesting.
00:26:56But you were still the same person on the inside.
00:26:58People love to say that.
00:27:00But it's not true.
00:27:03You know, when you live in a world where your outside is more important than the inside,
00:27:07it changes your inside.
00:27:10But not for the good.
00:27:12Well, how much do we even know about this guy?
00:27:14Have you read him through your Scrub Me program?
00:27:17No, not yet.
00:27:18But I'm going to get his last name at dinner tonight, and then I'm going deep.
00:27:21Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, background check.
00:27:24This guy has so much as an unpaid parking ticket, I'm going to find it.
00:27:28Or, hear me out, you could just trust that he's a good guy.
00:27:37Yeah, because insane psycho stalkers usually put that right in their profile.
00:27:41Ooh, that reminds me.
00:27:43Need to see if you got my space page.
00:27:44What, you have nothing in your digital profile?
00:27:47Of course I do.
00:27:49Which is exactly why I hid it.
00:27:50Try and keep up.
00:27:51Listen, you know, I'm all for the background check,
00:27:54but the other stuff, if you like him, you like him.
00:28:00Oh, wait.
00:28:01What time is it?
00:28:02Crap.
00:28:03I've got to go shave my legs for tonight.
00:28:05We're having our first girl dinner date.
00:28:07No guy wants to accidentally find out the girl he's talking to is half yeti.
00:28:12Donna, will you stay out with me?
00:28:13I want us to watch Housewives together.
00:28:15Um, I have to go do something first.
00:28:17What?
00:28:18Just take me with you.
00:28:19No.
00:28:21Wait.
00:28:22Are you pooping?
00:28:24Girls don't poop.
00:28:26Yes, you do.
00:28:27No, actually, we don't.
00:28:29Ever.
00:28:30Siri, do girls poop?
00:28:33Girls do poop.
00:28:34Here are some videos.
00:28:35No, no, God no.
00:28:36Now listen, this is a very important night for me.
00:28:54Don't you mess it up, okay?
00:28:56Deal?
00:28:57High fives.
00:28:57Let's see.
00:29:04Okay.
00:29:04Fine, here.
00:29:15I'm a little nervous, okay?
00:29:17Here we go.
00:29:19Okay.
00:29:22I told you no teeth.
00:29:23Okay.
00:29:24Hi.
00:29:26Wow, you look ravishing.
00:29:30Oh, this old thing?
00:29:32I've had it forever.
00:29:33You look quite handsome yourself.
00:29:36Well, thank you.
00:29:37Actually, I, uh, since it's our first date, I decided to wear pants.
00:29:43Wow.
00:29:44And shoes.
00:29:45I remember those.
00:29:47Yes.
00:29:48It was a very emotional reunion.
00:29:51Hmm.
00:29:53Uh, so.
00:29:55Brandon, what's your last name?
00:29:57Uh, it's, uh, Donaldson.
00:29:58What's yours?
00:30:00McConnell.
00:30:00I've been talking to you for, like, eight hours today, and I never asked you what you do for a living.
00:30:06Well, first of all, it was ten.
00:30:09And secondly, I work for a company that suppresses negative internet results on Google.
00:30:13Basically, we write original content to push the stuff that people don't want you to see to the third page.
00:30:18You know, you could just click past the first two pages of a Google search and go straight to the third page, right?
00:30:23Uh, yeah.
00:30:24What?
00:30:25Hold on.
00:30:26That, I gotta write this down.
00:30:27I'm calling my boss.
00:30:29You have just blown this whole operation wide open.
00:30:32I'm sorry it had to come from me.
00:30:36Well, to lockdown.
00:30:39To lockdown.
00:30:40To lockdown.
00:30:40Wow.
00:30:47Hmm.
00:30:48What?
00:30:50Uh, it's just I keep having these moments where I realize certain things are just gone forever.
00:30:58Like toasting.
00:30:59Oh, Jesus.
00:31:02You're right.
00:31:04I mean, we used to touch our glasses together and then drink from them.
00:31:08We used to blow candles out on birthday cakes, slice them up, and distribute them to children.
00:31:20So, I go into the boys' bathroom, and I wind up a ton of toilet paper, and I shove it into both nostrils.
00:31:26Ugh, no.
00:31:27Oh, yeah.
00:31:28And I'm praying, please, let me get past the next few hours of second grade, and no one will know that I have a bloody nose.
00:31:36Oh, yes.
00:31:37Foolproof plan.
00:31:40All right.
00:31:40So, it's the end of school, and I dart across the playground, and I'm thinking I'm getting there, and there's a line of pre-K kids walking so slowly, you know, with the rope and everything.
00:31:53And I feel the surge coming, but I get past them, and then for some reason I turn, and then, shit, blood splurting out of both nostrils.
00:32:03No.
00:32:03It's like if the end of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the elevator scene of The Shining had a baby.
00:32:12And from that point until the end of the 12th grade, I was known as Bloody Mary.
00:32:23Wow.
00:32:23Oh, yeah, that beats mine for sure.
00:32:27I told you mine was worse.
00:32:30Oh, what time is it?
00:32:33Uh, like 3 a.m., I think.
00:32:37Oh, I gotta go to bed.
00:32:38Uh, okay.
00:32:40Good night, V.
00:32:43Is it okay that I called you V?
00:32:46Yeah.
00:32:47Sure.
00:32:48My best friends call me that.
00:32:54Good night.
00:32:56Bloody Mary.
00:32:59I will come for you.
00:33:04Look at my new mask.
00:33:06Oh, it's cute.
00:33:07Those little dogs.
00:33:08No, they're d*****s.
00:33:11That way, if anybody's like, why are there d*****s on your mask, I can tell them, if you can tell they're d*****s, you're standing too close.
00:33:18Six feet apart, d*****.
00:33:21Brilliant.
00:33:22Yes, yes!
00:33:24Honey, I will take two.
00:33:26I made it out of the t-shirt fabric.
00:33:27I just sold 45, no, 49 people ordered them.
00:33:31Do you know what this means?
00:33:32I am at the forefront.
00:33:34I'm going to be a titan of industry.
00:33:36So, did you get his last name?
00:33:38Yes, I did.
00:33:42Well, don't keep us waiting.
00:33:43How bad is it?
00:33:45Well, I haven't looked him up yet.
00:33:47I was going to.
00:33:49And then I thought, you know, I've overanalyzed every relationship I've ever had.
00:33:54Well, what if I just trust this?
00:33:57And maybe Miles was right.
00:33:59I'm sorry, I was looking at my phone, and then I heard maybe Miles is right, so I'm back.
00:34:03Okay.
00:34:04Brandon is going to be joining us in a minute, and I want to go over some ground rules.
00:34:08No being psycho.
00:34:10No embarrassing stories from when we were kids.
00:34:12What about CVS?
00:34:13Especially CVS.
00:34:15I promise nothing.
00:34:18You guys, I think I really like this guy.
00:34:20Don't screw it up for me, okay?
00:34:22Okay.
00:34:23Vanessa got caught shoplifting tampons from CVS and Peter Pants.
00:34:36I mean, hi!
00:34:38I'm Donna.
00:34:39Did I do that wrong?
00:34:41I'm going to murder you.
00:34:45Uh, hi, everyone.
00:34:48Nice to meet you guys.
00:34:51Hi.
00:34:52I'd like to offer my condolences on the loss of your hair.
00:34:57Brandon, I am so sorry.
00:34:59No, no, that's okay.
00:35:00Now, when your hair was still with us, what kind of product did you use?
00:35:05Well, this was fun, guys.
00:35:06Bye.
00:35:07No, no, it's fine.
00:35:09Don't worry.
00:35:10We're not crazy.
00:35:11Not at all.
00:35:12Boxers or briefs?
00:35:14Mankinis.
00:35:16Classic Pisces.
00:35:18Actually, I'm a Leo.
00:35:19Yeah, but with the Gemini rising, I bet.
00:35:21Donna, what the hell are you talking about?
00:35:23You don't know anything about astrology.
00:35:26Classic Pisces.
00:35:27All right, what sign comes after Pisces?
00:35:29Pikachu.
00:35:31Guys, you're being psycho.
00:35:34A little psycho.
00:35:35But it shows that they care about you, which I can understand,
00:35:38because you're kind of wonderful.
00:35:43Aw.
00:35:45Fun fact.
00:35:46Ted Bundy was one of the most charming guys you'd ever meet.
00:35:50That fact is not fun.
00:35:51Okay, I'll make you two a deal.
00:35:55Once there's a vaccine, I promise to let you know if I follow through with my plan to murder
00:35:59Vanessa, cut her into little pieces that I scatter in trash cans based on an Excel chart I've put
00:36:04together with the L.A. County Trash Collection System.
00:36:07Deal?
00:36:09Deal.
00:36:10Deal.
00:36:11So, what are you guys going to do for your first real date?
00:36:15You mean, like in person?
00:36:17Well, I, uh, I hadn't really thought about that.
00:36:22I mean, I want us to be safe, obviously.
00:36:24All the restaurants are closed.
00:36:27What about the Swan Boats and Echo Park Lake?
00:36:29It's outside.
00:36:30You can be six feet apart.
00:36:31You can wear your mask.
00:36:33Yeah.
00:36:34Um, I want the first time we meet to be special, you know?
00:36:39I don't want to have to wear a mask, or I certainly don't want to be six feet away from you.
00:36:46Okay, well, what if we waited?
00:36:49You know, what if we picked a date that's way down the line, and if there's a vaccine by then, we meet?
00:36:55I got it.
00:36:56Halloween.
00:36:57Could you come up with a less romantic holiday?
00:37:00Plus, there's no way there's going to be a vaccine by then.
00:37:02What about Christmas?
00:37:04You can unwrap each other.
00:37:06Ew.
00:37:06What do you mean, ew?
00:37:07That's sexy.
00:37:09Um, what about Valentine's Day?
00:37:12I mean, that's nine months away.
00:37:13But is it romantic enough?
00:37:16Ah, good point.
00:37:18Valentine's Day it is.
00:37:20Now, I heard you all think you're pretty good at cards with friends.
00:37:26Pretty good?
00:37:27I will annihilate you.
00:37:30It was my major in college.
00:37:31I warned you, they're fierce.
00:37:34Bring it on.
00:37:36Okay, you ready?
00:37:37The next one is, for his self-produced album, Mark Zuckerberg raps to the sounds of...
00:37:44My mom.
00:38:01Hey guys, Donna by Design here, and I'm going to teach you how to make a homemade facial
00:38:12mask with stuff you already have in your kitchen.
00:38:14Just mix mashed bananas, yogurt, and honey, and apply it to your face.
00:38:19Wait 15 minutes before rinsing off, and you'll have skin smoother than a baby's butt.
00:38:25Well, we are officially in lockdown, which means people are staying at home and only interacting
00:38:32with those inside their social bubble.
00:38:34Or if you're single like me, your cats.
00:38:36Many people have expanded their bubbles to include extended family members.
00:38:43We've just moved my mother-in-law in with us, and I'm looking forward to all getting
00:38:47to spend a lot of quality time together.
00:38:50Delivery!
00:38:51Oh, okay, thanks!
00:38:52You can just leave it there.
00:38:53Oh, by the way, I left some snacks for you outside.
00:38:54Just help yourself.
00:38:55Oh, thanks.
00:38:56I coughed on all of them.
00:39:11Kidding.
00:39:12Kidding.
00:39:13It's a little joke to get us through this crazy time, you know what I mean?
00:39:18Oh, no.
00:39:24Never have I ever drunk texted an ex.
00:39:28Vanessa?
00:39:31Lies.
00:39:32So I guess you're forgetting all about Mitchell and me having to go to the men's room with
00:39:38him to accidentally bump his phone into the toilet?
00:39:41Do you know how many guy codes I had to break to do that?
00:39:44Wait, you actually made him do that?
00:39:47begged me crying and it wasn't just a text okay next round oh no no no i want to know what did
00:39:57you send them look at this photograph yeah well i can't say i'm in shock because finessa sent me
00:40:07a bunch of pics on our first night oh brandon yeah i was very disturbed by them although my friends
00:40:13are quite happy since they all use them as their screensavers he's a keeper hey guys donna again
00:40:27if you're like me you struggle with your oily t-zone so just puree cucumber lemon mint and egg white
00:40:34spread it smells like a spa night
00:40:39well it's the fourth of july and with it comes restrictions on gatherings of more than 10
00:40:46people so the usual bbqs are cancelled which is actually a relief to people who are tired of
00:40:53being asked at every family function why they don't have kids yet
00:41:02i would be making my famous ribs like i do every year but this year my mother-in-law
00:41:08wants turkey burgers so we're having turkey burgers it's fine oh hi hey oh quite the little
00:41:25sweatshop you've got going on over there literally can you turn up the ac you're killing my overhead payton
00:41:31okay now i i promised my great grandmother millie that i would never divulge her secret banana nut muffin
00:41:41recipe however i think she'd give you a pass right steve yeah oh well thank you millie
00:41:50okay okay now the secret here is you need to cut the butter into the flour using your hands
00:42:01just stick my hands in there all right okay here we go
00:42:10yeah you got a little little on your nose there i do
00:42:14yeah it's adorable if i was there i would wipe it off oh okay well let's
00:42:21today did i get it maybe a little on the cheek a little on on what about up here did i get any up
00:42:27here maybe the the other cheek oh well let's did i get it now because if i didn't that would be
00:42:35really really embarrassing oh yeah yeah you got it
00:42:43okay donna miles you're up
00:42:49ow god damn it
00:42:53yes
00:42:53this is a really dumb game oh oh oh oh so close that was not even close okay
00:43:14i'm asian i should be better with ping pong balls
00:43:17yes okay donna your turn donna huh huh yeah donna that's right come on come on
00:43:30lightweight
00:43:35delivery oh hey can you do me a huge favor uh there's a basket out there of muffins that i need
00:43:51delivered to that address there's 20 bucks taped to it we're not really supposed to do any deliveries
00:43:55that don't come from dispatch please i met this guy online and i made those muffins from his great
00:44:01grandmother's secret recipe and he's gonna love them you know it's crazy how close you can get to
00:44:06someone without ever actually physically touching them you know what i mean i mean like not necessarily
00:44:12but actually you know maybe in a way if i do this delivery can we stop talking about this oh sure yeah
00:44:20oh i left an extra basket of muffins out there for you too they're unwrapped well yeah they're
00:44:27homemade and they're really hard to make okay i put my blood sweat and tears into those
00:44:40delivery yes
00:44:44can i help you yeah delivery yeah i didn't order any muffins
00:44:48no they're from vanessa from vanessa oh the muffins yeah what you didn't eat one did you
00:45:01no of course not oh thank god yeah because that batch is like a hundred percent pure
00:45:08you would have had a really bad trip these are drug muffins you're my hug muffin
00:45:18i was gonna tip you
00:45:28ah come here steve i got you these muffins are not for you these are for me
00:45:40wow
00:45:45almost as good as yours granny
00:45:49i met someone
00:45:53i wish you could have met her too
00:45:57because she's amazing
00:46:04hey hey hey it's your girl donna and i didn't get a chance to go to the supermarket this week so
00:46:09i'm working with what i have oatmeal avocado and a little french vanilla creamer
00:46:14it smells delicious
00:46:19huh
00:46:21it chiseled though
00:46:26there's something so weird about no contact trick-or-treating right
00:46:30oh the kids don't care as long as they get their candy in fact they prefer it no small talk
00:46:35oh both sides impressive for the kids absolutely i may or may not have gotten all of my favorites
00:46:44for the children of course
00:46:47hey guys me again so the last mask didn't work out so well uh that's why the good lord invented
00:46:53gallamine lotion this mask has expired milk oats and cinnamon
00:47:01i can really feel it getting deep in my pores
00:47:04oh it's deep in there it's like a burning sensation
00:47:12okay now it's really burning
00:47:13the dreaded second wave is upon us which means unfortunately people will be forced to have a
00:47:24virtual thanksgiving this year although it might be the least stressful turkey day they've ever had
00:47:29because they will be able to avoid the never-ending questions about their personal life back to you
00:47:37that's right courtney lucky for me my mother-in-law is still in our bubble so i get to hear in person
00:47:44how dry my turkey is
00:47:59happy thanksgiving
00:48:16hi oh happy thanksgiving to you too
00:48:21ow i'm sorry it's just the holiday orders are killing me
00:48:25i need more rudolph i said use candy cane it really is the most wonderful time of the year
00:48:32i can't believe you're making peyton work on thanksgiving
00:48:35what it's not like he has any place to go plus i got him a six inch turkey sub
00:48:40you said footlong i ordered a footlong we're splitting it
00:48:48paul's been cheating on me oh peyton peyton stop the machines
00:48:52but we have like another hundred to do that friend is hurting she needs me
00:48:57for the next five to ten minutes i was going through his phone to find this really hot picture
00:49:03of me that he took the other day when she texted him she was all like hey baby why don't you say
00:49:09you're gonna run another errand so you can see me oh oh donna honey i'm so sorry i told him to
00:49:19pack his crap and get the hell out of my house
00:49:23that's my girl and the worst part isn't even the lying or the cheating or the sneaking around
00:49:29who knows how much corona this trash has been exposed to and he's been bringing it home here to me
00:49:36i hope his junk falls off right off what do you need soup vodka i will bring over a care package pass
00:49:45it through the window i'll keep on a mask i'll sit on the fire escape we'll watch really really bad movies
00:49:49and i will send you my favorite compilation of cats being jerks videos which will make you laugh so hard
00:49:55you'll pee your pants like you're vanessa at cvs
00:49:59and i'll bring gummy sharks but the ones from the bottom of the bin so they're extra squishy
00:50:03you guys are the best but i'm fine here by myself i'm just gonna give myself a manicure order a bunch
00:50:15of crap online i don't need and take a nap that sounds perfect hey what color snuggie should i get
00:50:24oh god no buddy ever went wrong with classic blue blue i'm working out a blog post about all the
00:50:37different things you can do with duct tape did you know that the astronauts used it in space to
00:50:43put a wing back on the shuttle that 100 never happened and it's duct tape d-u-c-t
00:50:52tape tape so annoying i'm not the one who doesn't know how to spell duck brian so who's annoying now
00:51:02and you still learn every single day okay okay everyone relax um claire it's duct like air duct
00:51:16never mind it's fine look we're all stressed i get it vanessa um have you finished that call of duty listicle
00:51:30vanessa hello what uh uh yeah yeah yeah uh call of duty icicles got it what's wrong with you
00:51:48nothing why because zoning out for no reason is a rona symptom oh my god are you serious you can't catch the
00:51:56rona through the internet you don't know how sneaky this thing is it was made by scientists and i'm
00:52:03already at risk because i'm using 5g and i am not giving that up dad devon took the last twinkie even
00:52:10though you told him i could have it that's not fair i only got two and she got one one is less than two
00:52:18idiot dad dad chloe called me an idiot can y'all excuse me for a moment please
00:52:29devon this is what happened when you do minecraft and not math
00:52:33and neither one of you should be this close to dinner
00:52:39santa claus just texted me and said he heard all of that
00:52:54happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear donna happy birthday to you yay
00:53:15okay make a wish this is ridiculous everybody's having zoom birthday parties it's fun okay now blow
00:53:29seriously
00:53:35i wish that paul and that hoe both get corona and die screaming you're not supposed to say your wish out
00:53:40loud but the wish can still come true uh present present present present
00:53:54read the card
00:54:00to donna the coolest funniest wildest most adventurous girl we know
00:54:10what is this it's a candle it's just like the one i have you always like the way it smelled i was
00:54:19being polite this candle's like being beaten with a piece of sandalwood and then smothered to death
00:54:25with magnolias gardenias whatever great so instead of an obscenely large engagement ring in a lifetime of
00:54:33earth-shattering i get a candle i'm gonna die alone with an oily t-zone in a pandemic
00:54:40oh no no honey you that is not gonna happen okay we are not gonna let that happen no no no you know
00:54:49that's not true that's just stinking thinking everybody stop
00:54:55now you listen to me of course you're gonna meet someone and he's gonna be more of a man than that
00:55:01jerk paul ever was because when you least expect it that's when it happens trust me
00:55:08oh now i know what will really cheer you up cake yay oh wait
00:55:25wow this guy's so clear tonight maybe that's why all this is happening
00:55:32you know some other nature could take a deep long breath without us humans screwing it up like we
00:55:39always do
00:55:43what if covid is the earth's immune system and we're the virus hmm whoa
00:55:50so how long do you think this could just be how things are forever
00:56:02well that would suck i thought you like lockdown you said it was cozy yeah i do i mean it is and don't
00:56:09get me wrong i'm grateful i've got food and wi-fi and a roof over my head
00:56:17it's just you know i want to have a little more and uh
00:56:25and i am officially too drunk to be having this conversation
00:56:29what conversation this conversation
00:56:38yes i know it's just you are like the coolest girl i've ever met you know you're funny and you're
00:56:48you're and you know i think about my ex-girlfriend and she used to line me up against this checklist
00:56:56and that just got in the way of both of us being who we are you made it clear from the very beginning
00:57:03that you know you liked who i was who i really was and that's awesome
00:57:13if i'd have met you in real life i probably wouldn't have given you a chance and
00:57:19i would have missed out on a really great guy and i'm sorry for that
00:57:28apology unnecessary and accepted
00:57:34i mean plus you've got beautiful home which obviously cost you a fortune so
00:57:39what if i didn't have this home and i was a struggling writer or something would it matter
00:57:52the truth of course you know i mean you know how in movies a girl's always thrilled to get an
00:58:02engagement ring out of a vending machine well in real life she would be horrified so it's not the
00:58:11thought that counts i mean it is but not in real life you could have like three heads and i would
00:58:23still be in love with you i like you too
00:58:39i think about holding your hand i mean you know no gloves or anything just your warm hand against mine
00:58:47as we walk and talk okay full disclosure i'm thinking about more than holding your hand
00:58:58oh really yeah
00:59:02well then uh why don't we take this conversation somewhere a little more comfortable really
00:59:11very really wait what happened did you get disconnected oh my god i was so close
00:59:27so close to what i'm guessing it isn't jesus what are you doing here
00:59:33hi brandon what you're up to uh just you know hanging out yeah literally miles what i can't
00:59:47see anything i was just kidding i guarantee he really tried are you two snacking while you're
00:59:54watching us oh my god brandon i'm so sorry about this well i've always wanted to force him
01:00:00pretty sure this counts oh my god goodbye what oh could that have been any unsexier well i can always
01:00:14loop in my nana i'm so sorry brandon that's i can't even believe that please you do not have to apologize
01:00:23to me vanessa so i mean we were close shall we you know no yeah i mean look this this was great
01:00:39really great really hot uh but it wasn't real you know and i want the first time with you to be real
01:00:49i can wait for that okay me too of course this this goes on for more than a year we'll circle back
01:01:03obviously well what if we had a sleepover oh that sounds dangerous no no not like a real one just
01:01:13like this and keep the computers on all night oh yeah
01:01:28good night brandon
01:01:29good night
01:01:59There's my little baby, oh, mommy loves you so much, let's go, make some breakfast, here we go, oh, cover him up a little more
01:02:29so what's on the agenda today? I gotta go to work
01:02:52Oh, are you okay? Did I do something? Is it my breath?
01:03:05I saw her, Brandon. Her who? The gorgeous woman that you obviously live with, who you share Steve with
01:03:14Oh, no, no, no, no, I don't live with her
01:03:17Live with, sleep with, doesn't matter, whatever you want to call it
01:03:21She obviously has keys to your place
01:03:23Yeah, well, yes, she has a key because it's her, look, it's complicated
01:03:29Doesn't seem very complicated to me
01:03:33Glad we cleared it up
01:03:35Can you guys help me? I'm looking for a part that's mostly red
01:03:41but the little outie part has white on it
01:03:45and the innie part is mostly hair
01:03:48What are you doing over there?
01:03:53Oh, Donna, seriously?
01:03:57Well, what do you call the little innie parts and the sticky outie parts?
01:04:02I don't because puzzles are for the children and the elderly
01:04:06If I wanted to lose something for a couple hours, I would just put my tablet pen down for a second, thanks
01:04:11They're called tabs and slots
01:04:13They're pieces of a puzzle
01:04:16I had to do a blog post on them a while ago
01:04:19Oh, was it for Oh My God, Nobody Cares magazine?
01:04:24We're out of our PECA
01:04:25I said use Llama
01:04:27You're kidding me, right?
01:04:29Peyton, this is my CEO time
01:04:31I am not to be bothered
01:04:33You okay, Peyton?
01:04:38Okay
01:04:41What if you'd never tried mushrooms
01:04:44Because you just knew that you wouldn't like them
01:04:47So you spend your entire adult life making sure people know you don't want mushrooms
01:04:52Even going so far as to lie about being allergic to mushrooms
01:04:55So you don't have to deal with people telling you, oh, just try them, they're delicious
01:04:58Because you know deep down that you'll never, ever like mushrooms
01:05:02But then one day, someone comes along and offers you a million dollars if you eat a mushroom
01:05:09So, you do it
01:05:11It's actually really good
01:05:13And then, they tell you they aren't going to give you a penny
01:05:16They just didn't want you to go the rest of your life without ever giving mushrooms a chance
01:05:19What do you do?
01:05:22I mean, sure, you like mushrooms now
01:05:24But you never would have eaten them if they hadn't lied to you about the money
01:05:28So now, you try another mushroom and it tastes terrible
01:05:30I'm so confused
01:05:34Um, is this about global warming?
01:05:37Is Earth the mushroom?
01:05:38No, Corona is the mushroom
01:05:40Hey, uh, Brandon's on
01:05:43No, wait, wait, wait, wait
01:05:44Where are you?
01:05:47Why is there a bunk bed?
01:05:50Um, cause this is my place
01:05:52I mean, my real place
01:05:54What are you talking about?
01:05:57Remember when I asked you how you'd feel if I was a struggling writer?
01:06:01Well, ta-da!
01:06:06So, you broke into someone's mansion and pretended it was yours?
01:06:10No, I didn't break into anyone's mansion
01:06:13Look, I make money by walking dogs for people
01:06:17And one of my clients was stuck overseas because of Corona
01:06:20So I was watching her house and Steve's sitting
01:06:24And that's the lady that you saw
01:06:26She got back this morning
01:06:27Uh, and this
01:06:30This is my fancy gourmet kitchen
01:06:34And I'm actually a pretty good cook
01:06:37I didn't lie about that
01:06:38In fact, my roommates say I make the best croque monsieur they've ever had
01:06:42Roommates?
01:06:44Yes, I have roommates
01:06:46Uh, but the room is all mine
01:06:48Plus, I have the top and bottom, uh, bunk
01:06:51So, you know, that's fancy
01:06:53Look, I never set out to lie to you, Vanessa
01:07:02I-I just didn't correct you when you thought the house was mine
01:07:06You did a hell of a lot more than just not correct me
01:07:09What else are you lying about, Brandon?
01:07:12Okay, my name's not Brandon
01:07:14It's Daniel Brandon Donaldson
01:07:17So let me get this straight
01:07:20You made a fake profile
01:07:23The fake name
01:07:24And old pictures of yourself
01:07:26And then you pretended you had a real job at a mansion?
01:07:30Why?
01:07:32You know why
01:07:32No
01:07:33Actually, I don't
01:07:34Because we both know that a guy like me without money
01:07:38May as well not even exist
01:07:39Okay, because in this world
01:07:41It's the successful people who make the rules
01:07:44You know, I really don't think you should be lecturing anyone on ethics right now, okay?
01:07:49You're the bad guy here
01:07:50I'm not the bad guy
01:07:51I'm the same guy I was yesterday who you were laughing with
01:07:55Okay, that guy is real
01:07:57This, this stuff, that's fake
01:08:00I'm a good guy
01:08:05Just not good enough for you
01:08:08You okay, V?
01:08:18Yeah, I'll be fine
01:08:19You sure?
01:08:22Because I wouldn't want you to feel like the worst person in the world
01:08:25That'd be rough
01:08:26Excuse me?
01:08:28You just evaporated the heart of a great guy
01:08:31Over some superficial garbage that doesn't matter
01:08:35Donna, he lied to me
01:08:37Stop acting like that's what this is about
01:08:40You, you, okay
01:08:42Fine
01:08:43I need to be with someone successful
01:08:45And powerful
01:08:47You know, I'm never gonna fall in love with Brandon
01:08:49Or Daniel, whatever the hell his name is
01:08:51You're already in love with him
01:08:52I've known you since we were 12
01:08:54I've seen every single relationship you've been in
01:08:56And I've never seen you anywhere close to this happy before
01:08:59Yeah
01:09:00Yeah, my mom and dad were real happy too
01:09:02Until she finally figured out what a loser he was
01:09:04And he was living off of her for 18 years
01:09:06Okay, so this guy has to suffer just in case he turns out to be like your loser dad
01:09:10Solid plan
01:09:11So, what do you want me to do?
01:09:13You want me to string him along until I can't take it anymore and then break up with him?
01:09:18Hell, this was the decent thing to do, okay?
01:09:20I'm protecting him
01:09:21Oh, no, see, the decent thing to do is to not be such a shallow jerk
01:09:25But hey, you do you
01:09:27Miles
01:09:29Miles, come on
01:09:31You know how hard I've worked to finally like myself on the inside and the outside?
01:09:38I've worked my ass off to become this person
01:09:40And I deserve someone who's successful in every way
01:09:44You know, I'm not gonna wind up with some loser like my mom
01:09:48Truth is, you can have any guy you want
01:09:51So, if you want a hot guy with money
01:09:54Just go after that
01:09:57I've done it a thousand times before
01:10:01I've done it a thousand times before
01:10:31Oh, hey
01:10:34Namaste
01:10:36So, what do you think?
01:10:39You like what you see?
01:10:42Oh, wow, is that a stripper pole?
01:10:44This?
01:10:47Woo!
01:10:50Yeah, yeah
01:10:51This baby's top of the line
01:10:53Only the best for my guests
01:10:55Didn't even realize there were different kinds
01:10:58Yeah, it's cool, right?
01:11:01Oh, is that a dog?
01:11:05What? Oh
01:11:06No, brah
01:11:10This is, uh, Bruno Cuccinelli cashmere
01:11:13Nah, man
01:11:16I hate dogs
01:11:17Especially the little yappy ones, you know
01:11:20God, I'd love to kick a dog one day
01:11:22Oh, yeah, I love cooking
01:11:25But med school keeps me so busy
01:11:26That I hardly have time for it anymore
01:11:28Oh, yeah, of course
01:11:30It's so strange, though
01:11:33I swear I recognize your voice
01:11:35Maybe in your dreams
01:11:37No, that's not it
01:11:40Wait a minute
01:11:42Are you my delivery guy?
01:11:46Wait
01:11:46Are you
01:11:48Vanessa McConnell?
01:11:52Yes!
01:11:53Oh my gosh
01:11:53I knew I recognized your voice
01:11:55But I just
01:11:57I've never seen you without the mask
01:11:58Well, this is an insane coincidence
01:12:00I am not your drunk mule!
01:12:04Oh
01:12:05Hey there, stranger
01:12:17Glad to see you're alive
01:12:19Yeah, you too
01:12:21You know, I never got to thank you for that night
01:12:24It was fun
01:12:25Yeah, it sure was
01:12:28Maybe we should, uh
01:12:32Have some fun again
01:12:33Right now?
01:12:37Oh, yeah
01:12:37Why not?
01:12:38I'm just, uh
01:12:39Lying here
01:12:41What are you, uh
01:12:45What are you wearing?
01:12:47Uh
01:12:47Just this shirt
01:12:49Come on, babe
01:12:50What else are you wearing?
01:12:51Show me
01:12:51Um
01:12:53You know, I'm actually just
01:12:56Wearing some old sweatpants
01:12:57Thought this was gonna be
01:12:59More of a waist up
01:12:59Kind of call
01:13:00Oh
01:13:01Okay, well I'm feeling
01:13:03A little underdressed
01:13:04At the moment
01:13:05Yep
01:13:06There they are
01:13:07Hmm
01:13:07If only for your touch
01:13:34Digital just ain't enough
01:13:36I can hold you in my hands
01:13:45But you're still not around
01:13:48Don't make no mistake
01:13:55Understand we've got to wait
01:13:59Listen for the news
01:14:06I'm running out of things to do
01:14:10This is how I feel
01:14:21Where are you?
01:14:24Seriously, we're at the hospital
01:14:26Call me back
01:14:28They say she had an allergic reaction
01:14:31To one of those facial masses
01:14:32That she made
01:14:33I tried calling her
01:14:34Calling her
01:14:34But she wouldn't pick up
01:14:36But I went over there
01:14:36Thank God I did
01:14:37Because she was unconscious
01:14:38When we found her
01:14:40Wait, we?
01:14:41Well I kept on trying to call you
01:14:42But I couldn't get in touch
01:14:43I'd been FaceTiming with Daniel
01:14:45With Daniel?
01:14:46He called me
01:14:47Because he had an idea
01:14:48For a new ad
01:14:49For one of my products
01:14:50He always calls me
01:14:51With stuff like that
01:14:52He does?
01:14:54He was there
01:14:55In five minutes
01:14:56We tried calling the ambulance
01:14:58We called 911
01:14:59But everybody's overwhelmed
01:15:00Because of flu
01:15:01And the holidays
01:15:02And COVID
01:15:02They said it might take
01:15:0320 minutes to get her
01:15:04And so
01:15:05Her elevator's broken
01:15:07Daniel picked her up
01:15:08Carried her down
01:15:09Three flights of stairs
01:15:10Got her into the cab
01:15:11And kept me calm
01:15:12While I was giving the
01:15:14Hospital or admission info
01:15:16I was a mess
01:15:17Wait, he's here right now?
01:15:20Yeah, he went to the bathroom
01:15:22Right after I called you
01:15:2330 minutes ago
01:15:27Hi
01:15:46How is she?
01:15:49She'll survive
01:15:50Thanks to you
01:15:53I just did what any other person would do
01:15:56No
01:15:58No
01:15:58No, you didn't
01:16:00You never do
01:16:02Other people just scroll past
01:16:06Their friends' fundraisers
01:16:07But you donate to every single one
01:16:10Even when you can't afford it
01:16:12You send people silly cat videos
01:16:14When they're up at 3am
01:16:16You treat every dog you walk
01:16:18Like it was your own
01:16:20I've read every Yelp review
01:16:24Every Instagram post
01:16:26Did you happen to pull my credit report?
01:16:28Because those things cost like 20 bucks
01:16:31No
01:16:32But I did read your blog
01:16:34All 175 posts
01:16:37You're a great writer
01:16:40Well, blog writing isn't real writing
01:16:44The hell it isn't
01:16:46Apparently every major literary agent in town
01:16:49Would disagree with you
01:16:50Well, then
01:16:52We don't stop until we find one with some damn taste
01:16:55We?
01:16:57I've wasted my entire life
01:16:58Searching for things that I thought were deal breakers in a soulmate
01:17:02And it turns out
01:17:06You're the most successful man I've ever met
01:17:10So
01:17:13Can we start over?
01:17:16For real this time?
01:17:17Okay
01:17:24This is my face
01:17:27My actual face
01:17:29No makeup
01:17:31No filters
01:17:32No making sure the light's just right
01:17:35No angle from above
01:17:36To make sure that
01:17:37I thin out my double chin
01:17:39Now you see this?
01:17:41Spanx
01:17:42I used to wear these every day
01:17:44Because I thought if I didn't
01:17:46That I'd look like one of those
01:17:47Bulgy, tied up roasts
01:17:49That 50's housewives used to make
01:17:50And this
01:17:51This is a fish tank
01:17:52That I had for a fish
01:17:53That died years ago
01:17:55What's his name?
01:17:58Fish
01:17:58His name
01:17:59Was Fish
01:18:00Takeout boxes
01:18:03Because I can't cook
01:18:04I would burn a bowl of cereal
01:18:07Full calorie coke
01:18:09No
01:18:09There's no diet coke here
01:18:11No diet anything
01:18:12Also, did I just recycle it
01:18:14Or throw it in the trash?
01:18:16Because I'm lazy
01:18:16And I'm selfish
01:18:18And I only think of myself
01:18:20And I'm so sorry
01:18:28I hurt you, Daniel
01:18:29I don't
01:18:32Like you
01:18:35I love you
01:18:38I'm in love with you
01:18:43The end of quarantine
01:18:51Means that extended family members
01:18:53Can finally leave the bubble
01:18:55And return to their own homes
01:18:56They can go back to being the people
01:18:58We speak to on the phone
01:19:00Every few weeks or so
01:19:01Allowing their adult children
01:19:03To resume making their own choices
01:19:06Without mum wiping their bum for them
01:19:09It's been a long three years
01:19:14It's only been one year, Dolores
01:19:16Has it?
01:19:19What is this all about?
01:19:27I could tell you
01:19:29But I would have to kill you first
01:19:31And you're one of my best customers here
01:19:33I don't
01:19:46Vanessa
01:19:5612 months ago
01:20:00The world just stopped
01:20:02And all these things we thought we needed
01:20:05Suddenly were gone
01:20:07This year we had to
01:20:11Figure out how to survive
01:20:12And the only way to do that
01:20:16Was to grow
01:20:16Together
01:20:19Will you go into lockdown with me?
01:20:26Forever?
01:20:30Yes
01:20:30Yes, of course
01:20:31Absolutely
01:20:32That's the most romantic thing I've ever seen
01:20:49I know
01:20:50If you ever do that
01:20:52They will never find your body
01:20:55Vanessa
01:20:56I'm so happy for you
01:20:58I think I'm gonna cry
01:21:00These were so cute
01:21:04We just stocked them at the store
01:21:06To the end of quarantine
01:21:08To the end of quarantine
01:21:10To the end of quarantine
01:21:11To the end of quarantine
01:21:15And the beginning of us
01:21:18I love
01:21:20I like you
01:21:21I know
01:21:23I do
01:21:24I love
01:21:26I like you
01:21:27No matter what you put me through
01:21:31Once upon a time
01:21:32A girl met a guy
01:21:34She kinda had a crush on him
01:21:36And wanted to hide
01:21:37Once upon a time
01:21:38A guy met a girl
01:21:40He took her to a dance
01:21:41And he gave her a whirl
01:21:43He brought her flowers
01:21:44The very next day
01:21:46Turns out she had the courage to say
01:21:49I know
01:21:50I like you
01:21:51I know
01:21:53I do
01:21:54I know
01:21:56I like you
01:21:57No matter what you put me through
01:22:00Six months later
01:22:02He got down on one knee
01:22:04We ran away to Vegas
01:22:05By the knot in Peru
01:22:06Twelve months later
01:22:08My baby would do
01:22:10He kinda had a panic
01:22:11He didn't know what to do
01:22:13I knew the way to make him okay
01:22:16All I needed to say
01:22:19I love
01:22:20I like you
01:22:21I know
01:22:23I do
01:22:24I love
01:22:26I like you
01:22:27Together we will make it through
01:22:31Now we're old and turning gray
01:22:46We still say it every day
01:22:49I love
01:22:50I like you
01:22:51I know
01:22:52I do
01:22:53I love
01:22:55I like you
01:22:57No matter what you put me through
01:23:00I love
01:23:01I like you
01:23:02I know
01:23:04I do
01:23:05I love
01:23:07I like you
01:23:08I guess he kinda likes me too
01:23:10I guess he kinda likes me too
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