- 18 minutes ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Lights, camera, action, B-A-E-N, B-A-E-N, anything is possible, just giving you a shot, B-A-E-N, B-A-E-N, why can't the world just see things my way?
00:30B-A-E-N, B-A-E-N, all the worlds are movie scenes, you've got the leading role, B-A-E-N, your life can be a masterpiece, so get on with the show, B-A-E-N, B-A-E-N, a million moving pictures spinning right inside my brain, why can't the world just see things my way?
01:00B-A-E-N, B-A-E-N, you'll never survive out there, the real world ain't no place for a circus freak like you, giraffe boy.
01:16Well, it's time I find out, you know, it's, um, maybe time I stick my neck out, as it were.
01:24Hey, so long, dude.
01:34And cut!
01:36Well, that's the last shot, Werner.
01:38Go ahead, call it.
01:40Ja, mein co-direktor.
01:42Det's a wrap!
01:43Yeah!
01:45Oh, yeah!
01:45That's a wrap!
01:48That's a wrap!
01:49That's a wrap!
01:51Yeah!
01:52That's a wrap!
01:53Uh, excuse me, Mr. Wolfenstein?
01:56I told you to get me a cheese sandwich!
02:00And this is a wrap!
02:03Huh?
02:03Oh, right.
02:04Sorry about that.
02:06Uh, Mr. Wolfenstein, this after-school job is great and everything,
02:10but you said winning the Project Stonemaker contest meant I'd be directing my own movie in Hollywood.
02:15Not getting your cheese sandwiched here in Burnaby.
02:17Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
02:19I said everybody in Hollywood would want to work with you,
02:23and I said how or where.
02:25Now, get me that yummy cheese sandwich.
02:27Keep that mess up!
02:28But, uh, what, uh, how, uh, a spa?
02:37You turned Kelly's keyboards into a spa?
02:40He's a little tense, don't you think?
02:43That thing a hot cocoa butter neck massage couldn't cure!
02:46Oddball!
02:47Strip him down and get him in the massage room 14!
02:50Yes, Mrs. Boschwoman, sir!
02:52I don't want a massage!
02:56I want my keyboard store back!
02:59Ken, look at these completely natural lotions!
03:03Guava parsnip skin scrub, lavender's goat milk elbow cream!
03:07Oh, yeah.
03:09Oh, that hit the spot.
03:11Save your breath, Vic.
03:12I've made up my mind.
03:13Oddball, grab a hammer.
03:15We're tearing down this eyesore and turning it back into Kelly's keyboards!
03:19What?
03:20Oh, boy, it's hammer time!
03:26Wait a second.
03:27What about us?
03:28Yeah, what about our after-school jobs here at the spa?
03:32Sorry, kids, but we won't be needing your services anymore.
03:37All right!
03:38That means we can hang on at the mall and do nothing for the rest of the year!
03:42Crazy there!
03:45But Ken, running a spa is right down my alley!
03:48I could make this work!
03:50Wake up and smell the organic coffee, Vicky!
03:53Lazy Lane Senior Spa is officially going out of business!
03:59Oh, well.
04:01It was fun while it lasted.
04:03I guess we better cash out.
04:09You made all those sales in a week?
04:12A week?
04:13Try a day, Sonny Jimbo.
04:15Here's what we made in a week!
04:16Holy moly, ravioli!
04:23Awful, wait!
04:25But you said it was hammer time!
04:28Maybe this crazy spa thing isn't such a bad idea after all.
04:31Ken, are you not saying what I think you're not saying?
04:35Welcome to Kelly's Spa and Keyboards!
04:38Hey, Ian.
04:53How's your gopher job on the movie set going?
04:55I'm not a gopher.
04:56I, my friend, am a PA.
04:58A production assistant.
05:00Wow.
05:00Sounds important.
05:02PA is just another name for gopher.
05:05You're a gopher.
05:05I am not.
05:07Oh, yeah?
05:08Well, what do you do?
05:10Well, let's see.
05:11I, uh, I go for cheese sandwiches.
05:13I go for coffee.
05:14I go for this.
05:15I go for that.
05:16Yeah.
05:17You're a gopher.
05:18Huh.
05:19Who am I kidding?
05:20You're right.
05:21I'm a nobody.
05:22Ian, you're not a nobody.
05:24You're a very important part of the movie-making machine.
05:27Okay, so it's a teensy-weensy, almost non-existent, can't-see-without-a-microscope kind of part.
05:31But still...
05:33I liked it better when I was making my own movies and videos.
05:37I liked it when I was the whole machine, and not just a small part.
05:41A teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy, puny little part.
05:44I need to be in control again.
05:46I want to be the big cheese, not the big cheese sandwich getter.
05:50You guys gotta see this!
05:58What is that?
06:00It's some guy's homemade movie.
06:02He put it up on his website.
06:04It's had like 10 million hits in the last 24 hours.
06:07Everybody in the world's seen it.
06:09Hey, why didn't I think of it before?
06:12My own website!
06:14I'll upload all my movies and become movie king of the web!
06:18That's a great idea, Ian!
06:19Move over!
06:21I'm gonna start my own website!
06:26Uh, slight problem.
06:28I don't know how to start my own website.
06:30Don't look at me!
06:32Eh, I'm internet challenged.
06:34Hmm.
06:35I need to find a dweeby net nerd who really knows their stuff.
06:39What a who!
06:40Now that we're a keyboard store and a spa, I have big plans for you, Oddbald!
06:59Oh, you're going to let me do my world-famous musical clog massage!
07:06What, massage?
07:07What?
07:08No, no, no.
07:08I want you to play soothing music during the massages.
07:12Then, while the customer's relaxing, you sell them the instrument you're playing.
07:16It's a slam dunk!
07:17Then, Kelly, you're back in business!
07:21High five!
07:24Uh, all right!
07:25A website, you say?
07:28Yeah!
07:29You think you can help me, Grace?
07:30Oh, for you, Ian Kelly, I will do anything that is humanly possible and legal.
07:36And so, I am honored to be your website building maiden.
07:40Uh, okay.
07:41Thanks, Grace.
07:41I'll meet you at my place after school.
07:43Ian, before you leave my presence, I have one simple question.
07:48Where do you keep your computer?
07:50My bedroom.
07:52Why?
07:52After I set up your website, maybe we could perform some mathematical equations together?
08:00Uh, sure.
08:01Whatever floats your boat.
08:02See ya!
08:03Oh, yes.
08:04That certainly floats my boat, Ian Kelly.
08:07Really nice of you to help out, Grace.
08:12Yeah, you're awesome.
08:13Ian, I was hoping we'd be alone.
08:17You did?
08:17Why?
08:18Can we just get this over with?
08:22Uh, sure.
08:23First thing we need is a name for my website.
08:25Hmm.
08:26How about www.ian.com?
08:31Kagan, next.
08:32Oh, I know.
08:33www.iancally.com.
08:37Negatory, next.
08:39www.iancally.com.
08:41No can do, next.
08:42Hmm.
08:43This is gonna be harder than I thought.
08:45Hey, what are you guys doing?
08:47Trying to come up with a name for my website and everything's taken.
08:50Website?
08:51Oh, I got the perfect name for ya.
08:53www.doofus.com.
08:56Ha ha ha ha ha!
08:58No sorry, Bob.
09:00Next.
09:01Come on, Cory.
09:02Let's leave these doofuses alone.
09:04Isn't the plural of doofus, Doofy?
09:06You're a doofus for even thinking about it.
09:09Hate to admit it, E, but you're on a major bad luck streak.
09:13Hmm.
09:13It's not easy being Ian.
09:16Wait a minute.
09:18That's it.
09:19www.beingian.com.
09:21Great.
09:22Check it, check it, check it.
09:23beingian.com is...
09:26available!
09:28All right!
09:29Yay!
09:30Yay!
09:30Yay!
09:31Okay, Ian.
09:32I've just registered your website.
09:34Now then, we need some content.
09:36All my movies and videos are on my hard drive in that folder there.
09:39Okay.
09:39I am now commencing the uploading procedure.
09:42There!
09:43All done!
09:43Well, how can I tell how many millions of people are visiting my site and watching my films?
09:48See the hit counter on the bottom?
09:49Oh, you mean that zero?
09:51Ha!
09:52That won't stay zero for long.
09:54Let's watch it spin out of control as people visit my site.
10:04Anything yet?
10:06No.
10:09Hey, I got a hit!
10:11Really?
10:13Hey, how's that even possible?
10:17Hmm.
10:17Oh, maybe somebody typed in your website by mistake and then hit the back button.
10:23What?
10:25Oh.
10:32Zero.
10:34Zilch.
10:35No hits.
10:36Not one person has visited my website.
10:38Hey, Ian!
10:40Hurry up!
10:41We're going to be late for school!
10:43He's probably still staring at his website.
10:47Hey!
10:47Don't worry!
10:48That website's still going to be lame when you come home from school.
10:52Come on!
10:53I'll be right down!
10:55Maybe they're right.
10:57Maybe this whole thing is a complete waste of time.
10:59Why, good morning, Mr. McCammon.
11:10Welcome to Kelly's Spa and Keyboards.
11:12What can we do for you today?
11:13I have a special on alfalfa butter hair conditioner.
11:15Oh, um, never mind.
11:21Actually, Mrs. Kelly, I have quite a nasty headache and I'm interested in a relaxing scalp massage
11:27before my day begins at that snake pit known as Celine Dion High School.
11:32Well, then, you've come to the right place.
11:35Grandma Kelly!
11:37Stop screaming like a banshee!
11:40And do something about your breath.
11:42Could you please take care of Mr. McCammon and his scalp massage?
11:45I'm late for a pedicure appointment.
11:48Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:50Here, change into this and keep your handies on.
11:53Boris!
11:54Massage room two!
11:56Fresh fish!
11:56Oh, this is heavenly.
12:06Yes, you too can be the proud owner of your very own shooting panpipes.
12:11Just $19.99.
12:13On sale now at the keyboard store.
12:17Unballed, what are you doing?
12:19Can't you see Mr. McCammon is trying to relax?
12:22Now, stoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
12:23I am so sorry, Mr. McCammon.
12:28Here's some chamomile tea to calm your nerves.
12:31Why, thank you.
12:33I'm so sorry!
12:34I get my hands on you!
12:36Ha! Ha! Ha!
12:39Hey, Ian, what you looking at?
12:41I'm checking my website.
12:43And?
12:44Nothing.
12:45Till no hits.
12:46This reeks like French cheese.
12:48Well, it could be worse.
12:50You could be Mr. McCammon.
12:52Oh, please, no!
12:59Ogbald, what are you doing here?
13:01You're supposed to be selling instruments in the massage rooms!
13:05Oh, Mrs. Kelly kicked me out.
13:07Oh, maybe now you can let me perform my world-famous musical clog massage, yes?
13:13No, no clog massage!
13:15We need some publicity!
13:17You know what that means, don't you?
13:19No.
13:20Oh, please, no!
13:20It's time for...
13:23Orgy!
13:28Still no hits.
13:30What's the point?
13:31Come to Kelly's...
13:33Spam!
13:33...and keyboards!
13:35I'm Orgy, the world's largest talking organ!
13:39Inviting you to Kelly's...
13:41Spam!
13:42...and keyboards!
13:44That's it!
13:45I need publicity!
13:45I need your help!
13:55Sorry, but you're beyond help.
13:57Good one!
13:58No, no, no, no, listen.
13:59I need to perform some eye-popping, like, really ridiculous stunts.
14:03For?
14:04For my website.
14:05I need to promote it.
14:06And?
14:07And I want you two guys to help me.
14:09Well...
14:10So, if you help me, I'll even pay you!
14:15Did you just say he'll pay us to make him look like a doofus?
14:18Either he's desperate, or we've all died and gone to heaven.
14:21If this is heaven, you wouldn't feel this!
14:23Ow!
14:24Hey!
14:25Not in heaven.
14:26He's desperate.
14:27We'll do it!
14:29Uh?
14:35Uh, it's not permanent, Parker, right?
14:37For the millionth time, no!
14:40What?
14:40Stay still, would ya?
14:43There!
14:44Well, how's it look?
14:45Awesome, if I do say so myself.
14:48Wow, Kyle!
14:49You could be a tattoo artist someday!
14:51A guy can dream.
14:52Okay, Ian.
14:53Get in there!
14:56Them?
14:56But they're the cool seniors.
14:59No way!
15:01You're pretending so funny!
15:03Well, we're saying...
15:04Hey, everybody!
15:07Make sure you visit my new website!
15:10www.belgium.com?
15:14What?
15:18Oh, boy!
15:19Oh, boy!
15:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
15:31Ian Kelly!
15:32You just ruined the perfect scene!
15:34Give me the hat!
15:36Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
15:39You are fired!
15:43Wait, who's going to get me my cheese sandwiches?
15:47Ian!
15:48Get back here!
15:49You've been rehired!
15:50Now, go get me a yummy cheese sandwich!
15:53Oh, if you pull another silly stunt like that,
15:56you will be banned from my zat!
15:58Yes, Mr. Wolfenstein!
16:01Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:03Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:03Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:10So, what'd you think?
16:12I think I'm gonna throw up.
16:14Are you sure this is gonna work?
16:15No, but that's half the fun.
16:18Ready?
16:19Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:20Ready.
16:21Great!
16:21I'll let you know when it's the right time to jump.
16:24Good luck!
16:25Ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:26Ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:27Ha, ha, ha!
16:30Ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:33Ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:38Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:43Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:43Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:46No gold!
16:52Make sure you check out www.beingin.com.
16:56Wow, you guys sure are bigger in real life.
17:04Okay, let's see if my publicity stunts worked.
17:10Nobody?
17:10Stop laughing at me.
17:22Oh, never!
17:26You'll never get rid of me!
17:28Never!
17:29Never!
17:30Never!
17:30Never!
17:31Nothing.
17:36Zero hits.
17:37Oh, cheer up, Ian.
17:38I'm sure it's just a matter of time before someone visits your website.
17:42Yeah.
17:42Don't worry.
17:43It'll happen.
17:44Hey.
17:45How come you two haven't visited my site yet?
17:48Uh, because, because, um, well, why have you do this?
17:55Oh.
17:56Hello, Ian.
17:58Hey, Grace.
17:58How is your new website going?
18:01Hmm.
18:01I don't want to talk about it.
18:10Why?
18:11Why isn't anyone coming to my keyboard store?
18:14I blame you, sign.
18:16It's all your fault.
18:17Maybe if you were bigger and flashier, more people would notice you and come in.
18:22Oh, stupid sign.
18:23Ow!
18:30My back!
18:31Oddball!
18:33Oddball!
18:34Oh, Mr. Kelly!
18:36What happened to you?
18:37My back!
18:38It's killing me!
18:40Help me up.
18:41You're back, huh?
18:43Then it's time for Oddball!
18:46A girl-famous musical Blood Massage!
18:50Oh, po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po
19:20Yeah, give it some time, eh?
19:22If you build it, they will come.
19:24Yeah, well, it's built and no one came.
19:27So it's time to pull the plug.
19:31What, are you guys watching?
19:34Ian, that's you!
19:37What are you doing?
19:38That's hysterical!
19:40Where'd this come from?
19:42Who shot it?
19:44You got me!
19:45We found all those DVDs on the doorstep.
19:50I got an idea.
19:55Sammy, Todd, grab that DVD and meet me in my room.
20:06So calm down, everybody!
20:10You won't get your turn!
20:12If you don't already have one,
20:14please take a number for Oddball's musical vlog massage.
20:20Oh, this is like bum-wrestling an octopus!
20:23No!
20:24Back in the line, no cut-ins is allowed!
20:27Thank you, Oddball.
20:29My back hasn't felt this good in years.
20:32Now remember,
20:33to keep your back in tipsy-top shape,
20:35best to be sitting on piano bench
20:37and playing the piano.
20:39Do you have a piano?
20:40Why, no, I don't.
20:42It's the colleague!
20:44I've got another one for you!
20:46Send him in!
20:48Be right with you, McCammon.
20:50Okay then, folks,
20:52who wants to buy this baby grand piano?
20:55It comes with a spa-proof therapeutic piano bench.
20:58Number 756!
21:09Oh, boy!
21:11Ouchie!
21:12I think my feigees have the clogger tunnel syndrome!
21:16Oh!
21:17No!
21:35Okay, all done.
21:37Time to upload it to the World Wide Web.
21:40There!
21:40Now we wait.
21:47We're gonna get going, eh?
22:05Yeah.
22:06See you tomorrow, Ian.
22:08Huh?
22:14Look!
22:16It's happening!
22:17Woo-hoo!
22:18Look at that thing spit!
22:20Ian, you did it!
22:22You built it, and they came!
22:24You and the movie king of the web!
22:26Woo-hoo!
22:27Hey, I have a question.
22:29Who do you think videotaped your stunts?
22:31Yeah, and then deliver the tapes.
22:33Well, whoever it is, I love you!
22:37I love you!
22:39I love you!
22:41I love you!
22:42No!
22:43I love you, too, Ian Kelly.
22:46I love you too, Ian Kelly.
23:16I love you too, I love you too, I love you too, I love you too.
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