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Comedy news show with Ken Howard. News from around the world with a whacky host and nice bits.#funny#South Africa#lol#very funny#vampire#circumcision##midget#prostitute#whore#drugs#pretty#beautiful#angel#sad#happy#rich#poor#funeral#fun#jump#knife#nurse#gorgeous nurse#daddy#pimp daddy#smoke#fat#ugly#sweet#shocked#Michael Jackson#celebs
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00:00You
00:30Hi, I'm Ken Howard, and now for the latest news.
00:48I'm sorry to announce, but the rat that bit Helen Zilla has died of scabies.
00:53What the heck?
00:54Julius Melima has been arrested for drink driving.
01:02When asked if he had a drinking problem, he said, no, I don't have a problem drinking.
01:06There's a new crime fighter on the streets of Johannesburg.
01:10His name is Midget Man.
01:11Unfortunately, we don't have any footage of him because he and his cameraman were shot
01:17and killed whilst filming a sequence.
01:19Now for some interesting news.
01:22For the first time in history, we have proof that vampires actually do exist.
01:26A woman in Voluskroon has installed surveillance cameras in her house and taken this footage.
01:33Please note this is not for sensitive viewers.
01:47Pretty shocking stuff there.
01:48What the heck?
01:50Okay, this just in.
01:55Police are looking for this man.
01:57His name is Count Alin.
01:59350 years old, which is amazing.
02:01He looks sporty.
02:03He has a lot of dislikes and likes.
02:05He likes moonlight, biting, unsuspecting women, and dark alleys.
02:08He dislikes his sunlight, garlic, crosses, priests, priests with crosses.
02:14What the heck?
02:16Okay, people.
02:17I can't stress this enough.
02:19If you see this man, do not approach him as he is very dangerous.
02:23Notify your local authorities and keep well away.
02:26Well, now it's time for tweets and emails.
02:28And we do have a tweet here from Harry of Dundee, who writes,
02:31Ken, now that we know vampires do exist, how come in the Twilight series, they can walk in sunlight?
02:39Harry, come on.
02:39This is ridiculous.
02:40You know, that's fiction.
02:41It's not a true story.
02:43It's fake.
02:44It's made by the Hollywood studios.
02:46Real vampires can't come out in the daytime.
02:49Haven't you seen Interview with a Vampire?
02:50Okay, we have another tweet here from Pamela of Pot Keteris.
02:56A steak can kill a vampire.
02:58I saw that in a Peter Cushing movie.
03:00Well, Pamela, I like Peter Cushing's movies, and he does a very good job.
03:03But it's untrue.
03:05Vampires and Hindus don't eat steak.
03:07But what you can do is drive a wooden steak through their heart.
03:13Okay, now we are about to have a special guest.
03:16The Minister of Finance, Praveen Gorham, is on the line.
03:19Hello, Mr. Gorham.
03:21Hello, Ken.
03:23Okay, let me get to the point.
03:25Escom is increasing the electricity price by 95%.
03:28Is this true?
03:31Yes, we think Escom is being very generous by not bringing it up by 100%.
03:36Well, why is the price of everything going up?
03:39Electricity, petrol, cell phone tariffs.
03:43What the heck is going on?
03:46Very simple.
03:47Crime is up.
03:48Unemployment is up.
03:49So as the government, we thought it was only fair to bring out the prices of everything.
03:54Yes, Minister, but you can't keep this going on.
03:56What are we going to do about crime?
03:58That's going up.
03:59We're going to bring in more policemen.
04:02Yes.
04:02Much like those cops that dragged the guy in the street.
04:05I feel so much safer.
04:06Sorry, Ken.
04:07With all your respect, we don't come to Australia and tell you how to run your country.
04:11Yes, because we know how to run our country.
04:14But we have so much fun watching you ruining yours.
04:18I know.
04:19One more question, Minister.
04:21You being a politician, can you give me some advice?
04:24Well, what you need to do is, well, try to something like incorporate very fast as you understand.
04:37Perfect.
04:37Thank you for being so clear on that.
04:39Thank you, Minister Gordon.
04:40Thank you, Ken.
04:44Pleasure being here.
04:45I hope we can do it again sometime.
04:51After the break, we have an infomercial, which is up for debate.
04:55G'day.
05:04Hello.
05:05Yeah.
05:06What do you mean my car's in a disabled zone?
05:09And you're going to tow it?
05:11No, you can't do that.
05:13No, I'm going to come over there and knock your block off.
05:17Ken, you're alive.
05:19What?
05:20Oh, look, you're doing a great job, mate.
05:23I'll talk to you later.
05:24Just, we'll sort it out.
05:26Welcome back.
05:28We've got an advert now I'd like to show you.
05:32It's very interesting.
05:32I won't explain too much.
05:33Watch it, and afterwards we've got two people to talk to and discuss about it.
05:38Looking for some tits and arse?
05:40Hi, I'm Pimp Daddy.
05:42Are you tired of jerking off, wanking, or spanking the monkey?
05:47Are you tired of picking up hoes on the road?
05:51Expensive brothels hurt in your pocket?
05:53What would you pay to make love to this woman?
05:57$2,000?
05:58$2,500?
06:00If you're lucky, $1,500.
06:04For an unbelievable 800 rand, and if you call now, we'll throw in a Hughes condom.
06:10That's right.
06:11And don't forget, our girls are all clean and disease-free.
06:17We're not like other brothels.
06:26Here, we treat our girls with the utmost respect, and they will totally satisfy you.
06:34So think of us as your guide to pussy.
06:48Why don't you do your penis a favour and call 1-800-Pimp Daddy?
06:53That's right.
06:54We've got the total hottest bird you can ever imagine.
06:58Don't forget, our motto is a bit like cigarettes.
07:03After action, satisfaction.
07:09Welcome back.
07:10Well, that's the infomercial.
07:11Here we have Pimp Daddy's co-partner, Dizzy Dog, and a woman who needs no introduction,
07:16Kanye and Belle.
07:17Welcome, both of you.
07:18Kanye, can you tell me, what did you think of the infomercial?
07:22Honestly, Ken, it's disgusting.
07:24Women are portrayed as pleasure toys for men, and then they're stuck with these cruel pimps.
07:31Some of them don't even have a choice.
07:33Of course they have a choice.
07:35They can do anal, vaginal, handjobs.
07:37Oh, my gosh.
07:38Come on, guys.
07:39To be fair, these girls are prostitutes.
07:41The guys are there for one reason, for sex.
07:44They're not coming for legal advice to these women, are they?
07:48Ken, imagine you having sex with a dirty, sweaty old man for money.
07:55Aren't you on the talk?
07:57Tell me, what is it like having sex with a man who's 35 years older than you?
08:06So you're saying men don't want a true partner who stimulates them spiritually, physically,
08:13and intellect, I mean intellectually.
08:15Nah.
08:16All guys are just horny, man.
08:18When guys are looking for women, they're not looking for someone who'll come up with
08:22the next scientific or medical breakthrough.
08:24They don't even think those women exist.
08:26Hello?
08:27They do exist?
08:29Ugh.
08:30Whatever.
08:31Listen, guys.
08:32You can't listen to this dumb girl whose only talent is having sex with older men and taking
08:36pictures of her ass and her tits to put on the internet.
08:39She wants you to have a meaningful relationship with intelligent women.
08:42Those women who look all masculine and talk about the economy and the house of commons.
08:47How many times has a guy been so horny where all you wanted to do was to get some action?
08:53So you date a monster of a chick who looks like she crawled out of a swamp.
08:57You take her on a date to the other side of town because you don't want anybody to spot you.
09:01You go to a restaurant because she doesn't want any fish and chips, right?
09:05She wants a fancy restaurant where she orders the most expensive meal and the bill comes up to almost 1,000 rand.
09:10At the end of the night, you didn't have any sex.
09:13You wasted all your money for nothing.
09:15So you go home and you wank and the only visual stimulation you have is the swamp creature that just took all your money.
09:21You know what?
09:22You're a sick man, dizzy man.
09:24No.
09:25No, Kaini.
09:26You a gorgeous girl.
09:27Tell me something.
09:28What you doing this Wednesday?
09:29We've got a wet t-shirt party and I'd love for you to come through.
09:31I'd rather be in a mud pit wrestling a pig.
09:34No.
09:35That's Thursday.
09:37Oh, come on guys.
09:38That's enough.
09:39Look, we have actually run out of time.
09:41I just want to thank you both for coming in.
09:43We're now going to cross over for more breaking news.
09:50Thanks.
09:52Welcome back.
09:53Some breaking news.
09:55It seems a man has tried to break the world record for holding his breath underwater.
10:00It says that the man succeeded and will go into the Guinness Book of Records for holding his breath for three days.
10:07Unfortunately, they found his body floating yesterday in the water, dead.
10:11But his family is very proud.
10:14The second story relates to a science fiction fan who has decided to cryogenically freeze himself for 30 years.
10:21He is the first man alive to do this.
10:23So we wish Mr. Water Brown great success in his quest.
10:27A further story is that three COSA boys can't have sex again because of botched circumcisions.
10:33Many people are complaining about this, so we have sent our reporter to interview the German doctor responsible for many of these botched circumcisions.
10:42Dr. abortion sniffer, can you tell us a little bit about yourself and your practice?
10:47I do not practice.
10:48I am qualified.
10:50Yeah, but what can you tell us about the birds and the bees?
10:53The birds and the bees do not know much about the animals.
10:56But what I can tell you is how the papa and the mama make the baby.
11:01First, the papa, he takes the meat stick and he inserts it in the mama's lab box.
11:06Numerous times.
11:08The papa has the ice cream in the balls.
11:12The balls puts the ice cream inside the mama's lab box and nine months later, the papa is born.
11:18You see?
11:20And what type of procedures do you conduct in your office?
11:23Here at Dr. abortion snippers office, we have the solution.
11:28No more the ladies reject you because you have the anteater.
11:33No more going to the mountains.
11:36Here at Dr. abortion snippers office, we offer advice and direction for stronger erection.
11:44Recent surveys done on sex workers and sluts that I know of, we have asked the question,
11:51which penis they prefer the best to suck.
11:56They prefer to sicken the pill, the cut ones.
12:01Here at Dr. abortion snippers office, we offer wonderful recovery.
12:07Built for maximum pleasure, our state of the art tools are up to the best standards and sterilized.
12:21Here at Dr. abortion snippers office, we offer wonderful recovery.
12:26My favorite, herpes.
12:28Hi Heidi, please, please, bring me the other knife.
12:36Give me the other knife.
12:38Don't worry, my friend.
12:39I'm going to give you a beautiful cock.
12:49I'm going to give you a beautiful cock.
13:00Thanks for that.
13:01Now we have someone famous in the studio.
13:03It's Larry the hypnotist.
13:04Larry, thank you for coming.
13:06I hope you have something important to tell us.
13:08ŠŃŠøŠ²ŠµŃ, Ken.
13:10Actually, my name is Llosha,
13:12but in your country, more difficult to pronounce,
13:15so they call me Larry.
13:16And I'm very happy to be here.
13:18Thank you very much.
13:19That's good, good.
13:20Very happy.
13:20Tell me, is there anyone famous that you have hypnotized
13:23that I would know?
13:24Well, you know, Ken, the thing is,
13:26mental hypnosis is a very delicate procedure.
13:29And in my country, of course, I'm doctor and professor,
13:32and I do sometimes the, you know, amputation.
13:36Very simple, like pulling the tooth.
13:38No problem.
13:39But hypnosis is very delicate,
13:42so I do the Michael Jackson,
13:43and unfortunately, no wake up.
13:46Oh, oh.
13:47Okay, Larry, tell me,
13:49are you able to hypnotize me?
13:51Well, of course, it's a very delicate procedure.
13:54Just one second.
13:55No, kids, I want you to drink the vodka.
13:58Thank you, darling.
14:00Oh, my throat is a little bit dry,
14:01so I'll ask for some water.
14:03Oh, it sounds like vodka.
14:04No, no, no.
14:05Please, you don't trust me.
14:07Thank you, kids.
14:11Hello.
14:11Attention, please.
14:12We're on camera.
14:13Yeah, we try.
14:16No problem.
14:16Okay.
14:17Maybe not everything possible.
14:18I doubt you can do it.
14:20Well, we try.
14:21No magic, you know.
14:22One, two, three, and you do everything I say,
14:25and everything I can.
14:26Please try to be obedient.
14:28Okay.
14:29I'm ready.
14:30Now, what I want for the kid to do is,
14:33I will count to the three.
14:35The Udin, two, three, or one, two, three,
14:38and then he will close the eyes.
14:40When I say open the eyes,
14:42he will listen to every comment I make.
14:45No instruction, no whatever I say.
14:47No, Ken, I want you to relax a little bit.
14:56You know, a little bit relaxed feeling,
14:58and not so anxious.
15:00No, so, no, what I want you to do,
15:03I want you to close the eyes for me, beautiful.
15:06Then I count to three,
15:08and when I click my finger,
15:09you open the eyes.
15:11One, two, three.
15:13Very good, Ken.
15:17Now we're talking.
15:19I want you to reach the back pocket
15:21and give me the wallet.
15:25Maybe you put on the table.
15:27You know, I want you very much trust me
15:29because I'm a trustworthy guy.
15:31You know, nothing dogy going on here.
15:34You understand?
15:35Okay.
15:36Now, maybe, Ken,
15:37you take out the bank card for me,
15:40and maybe put also there.
15:41I'll show you how I do.
15:43Hmm, which thing is good in my country.
15:51Very good.
15:52Now, maybe you write for me
15:53the bank details down
15:55and the PIN number.
16:00Very good.
16:01Can I keep this one here
16:02just for, you know,
16:04just safety, of course.
16:05Everything very, very safety with me.
16:08Now, Ken,
16:09when I count to three again,
16:10you open the eyes
16:11and you don't remember anything,
16:14but, you know,
16:15you just wait for my command.
16:16Yes?
16:17You understand everything?
16:19Very good.
16:20One, two, three.
16:23Oh.
16:24Oh, Larry.
16:25Yeah, we do the massage also.
16:26Very good for you.
16:27Very, very bad skin.
16:29Well, Larry,
16:30it's a very short interview.
16:32I just want to thank you for your time.
16:33I'm not sure what happened
16:34or whatever,
16:36but, yeah,
16:37thank you for coming.
16:38No, please.
16:39We say my country pleasure.
16:40Thank you for having me on your show.
16:42Well, we're going to a break now,
16:43but, uh,
16:44where's my wallet?
16:48Unfortunately,
16:49there's no sports news today,
16:50but now it's time for Weather for Tourists
16:53with my twin brother, Tim.
16:55Thank you, Tim.
16:57G'day, viewers.
16:58Welcome to Weather for Tourists.
17:02I'm Tim,
17:03Ken's twin brother,
17:05but they call me Yobbo.
17:07Yobbo is like a sophisticated
17:09Australian redneck.
17:11Anyway,
17:14I'm here in South Africa
17:14just for a little while
17:16to enjoy myself,
17:17have a look at the local sites,
17:19go up to the top of the buildings
17:20where they tried to push me off
17:21the other day.
17:22I thought I was going bungee jumping.
17:24Anyway,
17:24I went to renew my passport visa
17:26and the police wanted money
17:28and if they said I didn't pay,
17:30they'd feed me to the lions.
17:32I paid, of course.
17:34Anyway,
17:35I was, uh,
17:36I was down at the Hillbrook district
17:38and, uh,
17:39my wallet got stolen
17:40and, uh,
17:41my car got stolen too,
17:43but they said it went to the,
17:44the Nigerian, uh,
17:46drug, uh,
17:47sophisticated elegance fund
17:49or some such thing
17:50and everyone's happy.
17:52I claimed it on travel insurance,
17:54double dipped as I usually do,
17:55and Bob's your uncle.
17:58Anyway,
17:59I'd like to say cheers to you all,
18:00have a happy Christmas
18:01next year
18:02and, uh,
18:06I'll see you next week
18:07in Trashka.
18:09Oh, by the way,
18:10up here is a country
18:10where it's called,
18:12it's the only country in the world
18:13it's pronounced with a stutter.
18:14Namibia.
18:17Cheers, folks.
18:18Bye.
18:18I'm going to go bend the Elba.
18:20That's having a few schooners
18:21to you uneducated.
18:23Bye.
18:27That's all, folks.
18:28Next week,
18:29we are having Minister for Tourism,
18:31Martinus Van Skelkwick,
18:33the white supremist,
18:35front-of-landerist
18:35and environmentalist.
18:37Good night, folks.
18:38What the heck?
18:39Good night.
19:09Good night.
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