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Short filmTranscript
00:00Welcome to this time.
00:07Jesus Christ.
00:08Well, we do need to hear viewers.
00:10I am hopping mad, and I want something in the middle.
00:13I don't like Julian Fellow.
00:15I just don't like it.
00:16Is it snowing where you are?
00:18Do you like fireworks?
00:19What's your favorite soup?
00:20Who gives a shit?
00:21When I parted ways with the BBC after delivering a few home truths,
00:26people thought it was the end of the road.
00:27And they could not have been more wrong.
00:32I'm Alan Partridge, and when I want a proper breakfast,
00:34I head down to one of the six Hungry House pubs in the North Norfolk region.
00:38For a limited time only, there's 20% off all breakfast items.
00:41So that's steak, egg and chips, $6.99.
00:43Sausage, eggs and chips, $5.99.
00:45Gammon, egg and chips, $4.99.
00:47Gammon and egg, $3.99.
00:49Egg and chips, $2.99.
00:51Here I am lending my voice to Hungry House pubs
00:53in exchange for a hefty fee plus VIP card
00:56entitling the bearer to a free breakfast for him and four friends.
01:00We've got Carling, $4.99.
01:02Carlsberg, $4.99.
01:03Foster's, $4.99.
01:05Strongbow, $4.99.
01:06John Smith's, $4.98.
01:08And special offer just this week, Carlsberg wine and eggs
01:11for an unbeatable $9.99.
01:14Whether you like them scrambled, poached, fried, boiled, broiled, coddled or runny,
01:18get there before 8am and you can get an extra egg free worth $9.99.
01:21The early bird gets the egg.
01:25Good?
01:26Happy?
01:27Great.
01:28Although better known as a TV presenter,
01:30I don't actually do that anymore
01:32but find a steady stream of Norfolk-based corporate work just as fulfilling.
01:36That's one of the most information-laden scripts
01:39I've read in quite some time.
01:40So pass the best on to the copyright.
01:42He's got a great teacher ahead of him.
01:43Awesome information.
01:44Great energy.
01:45So, as you can see, life is good.
01:47Shouldn't it be the early bird gets the worm?
01:49Well, the early bird lays the egg.
01:51Yes, I was thinking that, but not our problem.
01:53It's not our problem.
01:54And yet something is bothering me.
01:56Allow me to explain.
02:06Britain is being pursued by an invisible enemy
02:08from which there is no escape.
02:11Like a bad dream, it's as if we're running in slow motion,
02:14even though we can actually run quite fast.
02:17No one is safe from the invisible monster
02:20they call mental health.
02:25Stress is weighing you down.
02:27You're troubled by anxiety.
02:28Always in a mood.
02:29It's unbelievable.
02:32For many of us, mental health is as far down the agenda
02:35as the whole sex change debate.
02:37But Britain is in crisis.
02:38Without swift action, our minds will...
02:40Egg.
02:53Implode.
02:54And yet no one has done anything about it.
02:57Until now.
02:59Which is why, in Britain's first ever documentary
03:02about mental health...
03:03Mental health.
03:03I'm stopping, go, crouching down, and asking,
03:08how are you?
03:09It's Alan Partridge.
03:12In association with Flench & Son Tanning Centres
03:16for a different kind of brown.
03:18So why me, and why now?
03:24Promoting mental health might not be cool or trendy,
03:27but I happen to believe in using my platform to help others.
03:31A staunch ally of the persecuted,
03:33I champion women,
03:34and genuinely believe that black lives matter.
03:38Only declining to take the knee
03:40on the advice of my physio and all of my friends.
03:42Right back behind the barrier...
03:44And I support other minorities, too,
03:46by volunteering at a local fox hunt
03:48for Sir Robert Peverell.
03:49It's not a public right-of-way.
03:51It is a permissive walkway.
03:52The only reason you're allowed here
03:53is because Sir Robert has kindly allowed you.
03:55Why is he a mate of yours?
03:56No, I've never met him.
03:57So what are you picking him up for?
03:58Look for horses and hounds through, please.
04:00Because fox hunters are a minority, too,
04:03whose religion is to stop foxes murdering chickens
04:05by using dogs to murder foxes.
04:07Where's your TV career?
04:08It's that...
04:09Right behind the barriers, please.
04:11And there'll be those who carp and criticise,
04:14saying a man like me has no business
04:15discussing mental health.
04:17And sure, on the face of it,
04:19my life is pretty great.
04:20I've got a large house,
04:22a good local name recognition,
04:23and my partner Katrina
04:24is one of the fittest women over 40 in Norfolk,
04:28as seen here in this photo shoot
04:29for Norfolk Life magazine.
04:31And yet, even I am not immune.
04:34Scratch beneath my surface,
04:36and the picture changes.
04:38Today, bravely,
04:40I can reveal that I, too,
04:43have mental health problems.
04:45Problems that erupted six months ago
04:47in the most public forum imaginable.
04:51For four years, it's been my honour
04:52to host the annual sales event
04:54of the most revered name
04:55in Norfolk agribusiness.
04:58Imagine the future now.
05:01Imagine a new horizon.
05:04One that dares to ask,
05:05are we giving our animals
05:07the nourishment they deserve?
05:09Welcome to Banroyd Pig and Cow Feed.
05:13Yeah! Come on!
05:16In the world of high-volume feed pellets,
05:18these guys are the best of the best.
05:20Planting overall carcass quality.
05:22No pigs grow bigger than Banroyd pigs.
05:25Conventional feed introduces nitrogen
05:27in an animal's waste,
05:29poisoning our soil.
05:31But what if amino acids could be introduced?
05:34Sorry, can I just stop you there for a second?
05:36Is anyone here actually deaf?
05:38Yeah.
05:38Yeah, as I thought.
05:40Thank you, but go.
05:41Reaching a live audience of a hundred
05:43and an online audience of thousands,
05:45it is one of the most illustrious
05:46presenting opportunities in UK media.
05:49Claire, if your father could see you now
05:52as you pledge to raise out completely
05:54the feeding of animals to other animals
05:57by 2065, he would be proud of you.
06:00This woman, this woman,
06:03she makes butchers happy.
06:06And as I began the event set-piece interview...
06:08What a year in store for Banroyd.
06:10It was clear I was doing my job well.
06:13When I hear about how excited
06:16the management team are,
06:17it's infectious.
06:18And I don't mean like foot and mouth or BSE,
06:21but certainly a kind of bird flu of enthusiasm.
06:25Until out of the blue,
06:27I fainted.
06:29Alan?
06:31Twice.
06:32Within hours, I'd become a figure of fun
06:34with a Thai YouTuber
06:35even referring to me as Lady Lap Faint Man.
06:38I was told by St John's Ambulance Man
06:41who was well below average height
06:43that it was low blood sugar
06:44and in my confusion,
06:45I found myself going along with the little fella.
06:47I only had one Weetabix this morning.
06:49But as the days went by,
06:51something began to dawn on me.
06:52I had eaten breakfast that day.
06:54I'd had bacon, bread and beans and butter
06:56and having recently passed a medical exam
06:59at a canoeing centre with flying colours,
07:01I knew I was in good shape.
07:02There was only one plausible explanation.
07:07I had a mental health problem.
07:09My mind is not feeling very well.
07:15The stinging nettle.
07:17A reminder that whilst some balk at the idea
07:19of us confronting our mental health crisis,
07:22others believe we need to be bolder.
07:24For like the nettle,
07:25if we brush lightly against it,
07:26we're liable to get stung.
07:27But if we have the courage to grasp the nettle,
07:29then we'll all be better off.
07:32And I intend to start by grasping
07:33the stingiest nettle of all
07:35as I ask,
07:37how big is the UK's mental health crisis?
07:40And where better to start
07:42than on the streets of the only city
07:43I love more than Dubai?
07:45It's Norwich.
07:46Are we rolling?
07:47Oh, hello ladies.
07:48Can I ask you a question?
07:49Are you happy?
07:50Very happy, thank you.
07:52Right, and are you happy?
07:53Yeah, I think so.
07:53And are you happy?
07:55I know you.
07:56We were at school together.
07:58I'm not sure about that.
07:59I was in the year above, yeah.
08:01I don't...
08:01And you asked me out.
08:03No, I didn't.
08:04I wouldn't ask you out.
08:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:06Do you know,
08:06I've a good mind to say yes this time.
08:09I never asked you out.
08:11Oh, but to answer your question,
08:13yes, I'm quite happy.
08:14I've just got a brand new granddaughter.
08:17Great.
08:17She keeps me busy.
08:18I'm sure she does.
08:19Well, I mean,
08:19it keeps you occupied in your retirement.
08:22Yeah, it does.
08:23I never asked you out.
08:24And yet I wasn't sure
08:26these women were telling the truth
08:27about being happy.
08:28I didn't ask you out.
08:29Because as these testistics clearly show,
08:32mental health problems are on the rise.
08:35Plus, we already know
08:36that she lied about me asking her out.
08:38Instead, I'm off to the other side of Norwich
08:40where, having cancelled an ear de-waxing appointment,
08:43I'm going to hear the views of another group of people.
08:46Especially opinions openly.
08:47It should be fun.
08:48I host focus groups every few weeks.
08:50Rude if you want to be rude.
08:51It's both a favour to my friend Max,
08:53who runs in Quizzimax Market Research,
08:55and a fascinating window
08:56into the minds of the kind of people
08:58who happily eat two-pound-ready meals.
09:02Janice, I know you're dying to say something.
09:04Yeah, you see, for me,
09:04a carton that size,
09:06I'd want, oh,
09:07six or seven chunks of chicken,
09:09at least.
09:10I mean, I had three.
09:12Three?
09:12I mean, three chunks of chicken in a chicken korma
09:14isn't really acceptable.
09:15And you can tell them that.
09:16I just said I would.
09:17So far, we have
09:19Too Salty, Needs Salt,
09:22Would Eat Again,
09:23Microwave Broken,
09:24Cold,
09:25and Janice,
09:26yours,
09:27simply,
09:29simply,
09:30more chunks.
09:32But today, I'm not just here for the curry.
09:34It's time to talk mental health.
09:36I want to park that for a second.
09:38New topic to ponder,
09:40mental health.
09:41Does anyone here ever feel
09:43sad,
09:44despondent?
09:45Just to go back to that chicken korma
09:47just for a minute, though,
09:48I do actually have one more bit of feedback.
09:49I consider it a privilege
09:50to hear the views of ordinary people,
09:52whether about a subject
09:53you've already moved on from
09:54or the one you've just asked about.
09:56And for the latter group,
09:57there are some notable observations.
10:00There is more mental health
10:01than there used to be.
10:02Mental health and mentally handicapped
10:04are different things.
10:06Ken Dodd made money from being mad.
10:08So, has anyone got any
10:10other ideas,
10:12apart from Janice,
10:13about how we might
10:14assuage those negative feelings?
10:16Colin?
10:16It makes me want to drink.
10:17What's brought this on?
10:19It's too salty.
10:20Still talking about the ready meals?
10:21Yeah.
10:22Yeah, no, we've moved on.
10:23We're talking about mental health now.
10:25OK, how do we feel now?
10:26Are there any useful takeaways?
10:28The kebab shack in the high street.
10:30No, I mean about what we've been discussing.
10:32You've got to learn to cook for yourself, Janice.
10:33Buy a pan.
10:34How are you?
10:40I've put this in larder.
10:42Leave it.
10:43It's porcelain.
10:44It's porcelain.
10:45It's cheap glazed clay
10:46made by Chinese children.
10:48Next morning with my assistant,
10:50and we take stock
10:50of what my programme
10:51is trying to achieve.
10:52Although she has no
10:54editorial input whatsoever,
10:55and is content
10:56to only join in non-verbally.
10:58I'm very excited
10:59about this documentary
11:01because mental health,
11:04I mean,
11:04if I can use
11:04an outdated,
11:05outmoded term,
11:07it's just gone mental.
11:09But in my quest
11:09to understand
11:10the scale
11:11of the mental health crisis,
11:12I'm off to spend time
11:13among a group
11:13who suffer from it
11:14more than most.
11:16It's funny.
11:17Most presenters
11:17would run a mile
11:18if you asked them
11:19to visit the homeless,
11:20which I think
11:20is how sport relief started.
11:22Yet I'm volunteering
11:23in a local soup kitchen
11:24to see up close,
11:26from behind a counter,
11:27what life is like
11:28for those who live
11:28free range.
11:30Five years ago,
11:31I agreed to help out
11:32one evening a month
11:33at this soup kitchen.
11:35And whilst I've had
11:35to cancel on each occasion
11:37due to unforeseen circumstances,
11:38I send along
11:39my assistant instead,
11:40and I do so
11:41free of charge.
11:42The homeless
11:43get a warm feeling
11:44from the soup,
11:44I get a warm feeling
11:45from having seconded
11:46my assistant,
11:47and I dare say
11:48she gets something
11:49from it too.
11:50You come for now?
11:51And so,
11:51after putting on an apron
11:53using the spin,
11:53tuck and tie technique,
11:55favoured by both
11:56the US Army Catering Corps
11:57and horrible Greg Wallis,
11:59it was down to work.
12:01You homeless?
12:04Some soup?
12:09You homeless?
12:11Some soup?
12:16Are you homeless?
12:17A little bit of soup.
12:21What are you doing?
12:22Yeah, I'm just trying to,
12:23just trying to weed out
12:24the blaggers.
12:25You can just serve the soup.
12:26Yeah, and I saw a guy
12:27over there in a,
12:28in a North Face jacket.
12:30You could have got it
12:31from a charity shop.
12:32Open your eyes, mate.
12:33Jews believe chicken soup
12:35can cure depression,
12:36and so I was as keen
12:37as anyone to get soup,
12:38albeit not chicken,
12:39to these men.
12:40Even though my last experience
12:42cooking in front of the cameras
12:43on a reality TV show
12:44had really upset me.
12:46Where is the chicken?
12:47How long is the chicken?
12:4920 inches.
12:50The time?
12:51How long for the chicken?
12:52It's two minutes.
12:54There's no dill on this.
12:54Alan, there's no dill on these.
12:56I forgot what dill looks like.
12:58Where is the dill?
12:59I forgot what dill looks like.
13:01So what better place
13:02to get back on the horse
13:03than in this kitchen?
13:05Every night,
13:05the people who eat here
13:07leave warm, content,
13:08and full of soup.
13:10But the soup isn't going
13:11to win any awards
13:12unless there's an award
13:13for largest amount of soup.
13:15My ex-wife used to punish me
13:18using food.
13:19She'd make her feelings known
13:20by serving me soup
13:21in a glass of water
13:22instead of chicken and wine.
13:24And this soup reminds me
13:26of her punishment soup.
13:28But here's a trick
13:29that can really lift the soup.
13:31Pour in two pints of milk
13:33and then crumble in
13:35three OXO-style chicken cubes.
13:38Hey, presto,
13:39you've got cream of chicken soup.
13:41All near as damn it.
13:43Add a bit of crunch,
13:44peanuts,
13:44bash them to bits
13:45while they're still in the bag.
13:46Use anything.
13:47A rolling pin,
13:48the nearest hammer.
13:49If you've got a tramp shoe,
13:51use that.
13:52Add that in.
13:54Give it a stir.
13:55Hey, presto again.
13:57Now you've got
13:57cream of chicken
13:58pad thai-style soup.
14:00Carl, come here.
14:01Taste this.
14:03Mmm.
14:04That's good.
14:05I like that.
14:06Mmm.
14:07Is that peanut?
14:08Right, has anyone got a peanut allergy?
14:13I do.
14:14Right, you can't have any soup.
14:15Yeah.
14:16I mean, you're welcome to stay,
14:17but you must not have any of this soup.
14:19Um, yeah.
14:21You can help yourself
14:22with a banana sandwich.
14:24You can have two slices,
14:26and we'll allow you a fork
14:28to mash the nana.
14:30I mean, there's another soup kitchen
14:31in Ipswich.
14:32Have you got a cut?
14:33No, no.
14:35If you run,
14:36I mean, it's about 45 minutes,
14:39but I go now.
14:40In fact, you leave.
14:41Leave now.
14:42Leave right now.
14:43How are you?
14:45How are you?
14:47It's the next morning,
14:48and I'm relaxing
14:49at my health and rackets club
14:51with the woman I love.
14:52Mine!
14:53No, mine!
14:53Okay!
14:54We make a good team.
14:55I'm a laid-back,
14:56easy-ozy kind of guy.
14:57Mine!
14:58No, mine!
14:58Okay!
14:59Whereas she has a Latin temperament,
15:01even though she's from Cheshire.
15:02Sorry.
15:03Sorry.
15:04But what she doesn't suffer from
15:05are mental problems,
15:07in her view,
15:07because she's not feeble.
15:09Mine!
15:09No, mine!
15:10Okay!
15:11Out in the wider world, though,
15:12it was becoming clear
15:13that the problem is rampant,
15:15and finding ways to de-stress
15:17is crucial.
15:18Me?
15:19I like to come to Norwich Market
15:20to finger its fresh produce,
15:22wander its alleyways,
15:23or today,
15:24buy costumes
15:25for an Irish friend's
15:26fancy dress party.
15:27How much for two balaclavas?
15:29They're the IRA ones.
15:31I often think
15:32if everywhere had a Norwich Market,
15:34there'd be a damn sight
15:35fewer mad people.
15:36You're listening to
15:36North Norfolk Digital.
15:38Yeah.
15:38I used to be on this station.
15:40It's Carl Branning now.
15:41Yeah.
15:41This was my show, actually.
15:43And his sidekick,
15:44Simon Denton,
15:45he was my sidekick.
15:46Carl's very good.
15:48Oh, yeah.
15:49Very talented.
15:50Got a lot of time for Carl.
15:53I mean,
15:54he's had his personal issues,
15:56but he never exposed himself
15:57on webcam to me.
15:59That's delicious.
16:00It's very entertaining.
16:01Oh, yeah.
16:04Yeah, he got his penis out.
16:07Very smoky.
16:08I'd had a wonderful morning
16:10at a wonderful market.
16:11All right, Rupert?
16:13Rupert?
16:14It's Alan.
16:14Alan Partridge.
16:16Are you confusing me
16:16with someone else?
16:17If we are suffering
16:18from a mental health epidemic,
16:20it ain't round here.
16:21Lynn,
16:21how quickly can you
16:22get to Norwich Market?
16:24I don't know how it happened.
16:27I've accidentally
16:27dressed like Rupert the Bear.
16:29Of course,
16:30there's nothing wrong
16:31with looking like
16:31what, for me,
16:32is the best British cartoon bear.
16:34Because while Paddington's
16:36an illegal immigrant
16:37and Winnie the Pooh
16:37wears a T-shirt
16:38but no underpants,
16:39which raises obvious
16:40safeguarding concerns,
16:42Rupert simply looks
16:43like a West End actor.
16:45Alan Partridge is proud
16:46to be associated
16:47with Rupert the Bear.
16:49With Britain's
16:51mental health crisis
16:52so vast,
16:53how can anyone
16:54hope to tackle the issue?
16:55As I wandered my garden
16:57to record stock footage
16:58that could be inserted
16:59at any point
17:00to cover voiceover,
17:01I wondered if I should
17:02start closer to home
17:03instead of asking
17:04the nation,
17:05how are you?
17:06How about asking myself,
17:08how are I?
17:10How am I?
17:12I like to come up here
17:12sometimes,
17:13just, uh,
17:15decompress.
17:16That's where I keep, uh,
17:17keepsakes, mementos,
17:19personal items
17:20which, after my death,
17:21will be donated
17:22to the National Archive.
17:23There's some sorts
17:25of soppy, daft stuff
17:27really.
17:27Picture there.
17:28I'm a grandchildren.
17:30Not very good,
17:31but they're good at maths.
17:32That's, uh,
17:33a box of,
17:35contained letters
17:35between myself
17:36and my ex-wife,
17:37Carol.
17:38Um, but,
17:39you notice,
17:40I snapped the key
17:40off of the lock
17:41so I can't access it.
17:43But nothing against Carol,
17:43just a little toxic box.
17:46This is, um,
17:48paycheck,
17:48first paycheck
17:49from the BBC.
17:49I won't let you see
17:50the amount.
17:51Uh, but I do remember
17:52at the time
17:52thinking it was quite
17:53a lot of money
17:53because I was able
17:55to buy fish and chips
17:56for four people.
17:57Uh, they bought
17:58their own drinks.
18:00This is me and Sue Cook.
18:03Me and Sue Cook's
18:04brother.
18:05Oh, this is interesting.
18:06This is showreel.
18:08This is, um,
18:09collection of my voiceovers
18:11that I would send out
18:13to people
18:13as a sort of
18:13calling card.
18:15I just, uh,
18:16I've not heard this
18:18for years.
18:19Brian's autos.
18:21It's the finest
18:22garage in Dudley.
18:23Rummy accent.
18:25It's important
18:25to show your vocal range.
18:27It's detached
18:28of sunshine, man.
18:31Albeit different times.
18:33I'm not sure
18:34you'd get away
18:35with that now.
18:37Oh!
18:37This is interesting.
18:43This is the headset
18:43I wore when I was
18:45a DJ at North
18:47Norfolk Digital.
18:48It's technically
18:48still their property,
18:49I think.
18:50But, uh, yeah.
18:52Left under a bit
18:53of a cloud.
18:54Um, not quite sure
18:55what happened.
18:57But, uh,
18:58there's...
19:00Yeah, it's a new
19:00management,
19:01change of direction.
19:02It's funny how
19:05I'm putting on
19:06just a simple
19:07object like this.
19:09Um, I've got
19:10so many emotions.
19:12Yeah.
19:14This is a good
19:15documentary.
19:17As former DJ
19:18on North Norfolk
19:19Digital's
19:20Mid-Morning Matters,
19:21I was sounding board,
19:22listing post,
19:23and agony uncle
19:24to the whole
19:25of the Norfolk region.
19:26The North Norfolk region.
19:27Uh, now time
19:28for something
19:28we call
19:29Rash Decision.
19:30Rash Decision.
19:33Your medical ailments
19:34answered once again.
19:35Dr Andy can't be with us.
19:36Uh, but please do
19:37keep sending in
19:38your pictures of rashes.
19:39Simon and I
19:40both have access
19:40to Google Images
19:41and we'll provide
19:42layman's view
19:43of exactly
19:43what the ailment is.
19:45And a reminder,
19:46our diagnoses
19:47have no medical basis.
19:49Yes, indeed.
19:49Let's look at some rashes.
19:51You're a first aider.
19:52I am, indeed.
19:52But you haven't
19:53given first aid.
19:54No.
19:54Even when that woman collapsed.
19:56Do you think
19:57you were in shock?
19:58I think I probably was.
19:59Yeah, yeah.
20:00Uh, first is from,
20:02uh,
20:02Heidi Trentham
20:03or is it Trentum?
20:04Trentum.
20:05Trentum Gardens.
20:06Well, it's Trentum Gardens.
20:07Trentum Gardens.
20:08So what are you saying?
20:11Heidi,
20:12does it matter?
20:13No!
20:14Uh,
20:15Heidi Trentham
20:16has a foot rash.
20:18It's, uh,
20:18raised,
20:19dry,
20:20scaly,
20:20wine-coloured.
20:21Uh,
20:22she says it does itch.
20:23For this one,
20:23I thought psoriasis.
20:24I thought psoriasis myself?
20:26Or potentially eczema.
20:27Yeah.
20:28Uh, yeah,
20:28Heidi,
20:28you're gonna need a cream
20:30of some sort.
20:31I would pop down to boots,
20:32show them your foot.
20:33Get your boots off.
20:34Yeah,
20:34in boots.
20:35Which is why I said it.
20:36Ha-ha!
20:37Number five
20:38is Maureen Skip.
20:39Interesting rash.
20:40I thought it most resembled this one.
20:42Yes.
20:42Uh,
20:43which would be a heat rash.
20:44Although the raised hives tell me
20:45it could be an allergy.
20:47Well spotted.
20:48Much like the rash.
20:49Yeah.
20:49Maureen,
20:50I'd say don't have milk or bread,
20:53uh,
20:55anymore.
20:55Yeah.
20:56Finally,
20:56uh,
20:57number six,
20:57Jeff in Holtz,
20:58big red circle.
21:00Simon?
21:00Lyme disease.
21:01Oh no,
21:02I've got the same.
21:02Gotta be.
21:02I'm proud of rash decision
21:05and should look back at my tenure fondly
21:07and yet my memories of North Norfolk Digital
21:09are dogged by the souring of one important friendship.
21:12I realise now
21:13I'll never be able to find mental peace
21:15unless I do something about it.
21:18Hello.
21:18What's your name?
21:19Joe.
21:20Hello, Joe.
21:21I borrowed a head mic for a school sports day
21:23which I'm here to return
21:24and I'm here to see a friend of mine,
21:27sidekick Simon.
21:28Sidekick?
21:30Uh,
21:30I'm sorry,
21:31Simon Denton?
21:32Oh yeah,
21:32Simon,
21:32yeah,
21:33he's on,
21:33he's on air right now.
21:34Right.
21:35What did you call him?
21:36Sidekick Simon,
21:37that was his name
21:38when we worked on the show
21:39together.
21:39Oh,
21:40you used to work here?
21:43Uh,
21:44I was only the face
21:45and backbone of the station
21:46for the best part of ten years
21:48and I in fact
21:49had a 1% stakeholding in it
21:51which I sold for five grand
21:52which I reinvested
21:53and a 20% stakeholding
21:56in a DVD rental company
21:58which since folded
21:59due to market forces.
22:00If you work behind reception
22:01at a station like NND
22:02probably a good idea
22:03to brush up on your history.
22:06And who shall I say
22:06is here?
22:07Me.
22:08I'm going to need a name.
22:11Alan Partridge.
22:12Great,
22:12could you just sign here please?
22:16Just going to grab a coffee.
22:17Oh,
22:18if you just take a seat
22:18someone will be around.
22:19I'm just going to grab a coffee.
22:22These days,
22:23Simon sidekicks
22:24alongside Carl Browning.
22:25This is CB Radio.
22:27I've got a lot of time for Carl.
22:28He's had his personal issues
22:29but away from train station bathrooms
22:31he's a perfect gentleman.
22:32Now it's time for
22:33Wrong Answers Only.
22:35Love this.
22:36You asked a question,
22:37Simon gives the wrong answer.
22:39Diane,
22:39you're on line one.
22:41What does BMI stand for?
22:42Bring me ice cream.
22:44Love it.
22:45Ice cream's two words.
22:46Hayley, line four.
22:47What Irish dancer was once named
22:49the best male dancer in the world?
22:51Prince Andrew.
22:52Oh,
22:52that was a bad answer.
22:54He knows it.
22:55Look,
22:56his throat will get dry.
22:58He'll dehydrate it.
22:59There you go.
22:59There he goes.
23:01Yeah.
23:01His skin will get itchy.
23:03There we go.
23:05He knows when he's fucked up.
23:07Quick swipe of the schnoz.
23:09Textbook.
23:11I barely recognise the place.
23:13So much has changed.
23:14Look at that water cooler.
23:16Blue stream.
23:17That used to be aquatic.
23:19Yeah.
23:20So much has changed.
23:22That's a new flip chart.
23:24Those CDs are new.
23:25He didn't work here.
23:26What did?
23:27Studios weren't down there.
23:29Mine's here.
23:31What?
23:33I turned my studios into a men's toilet.
23:36There's a man in there taking a dump
23:37where I used to broadcast.
23:38Not much has changed then, has it?
23:40Which is the joke I was about to make.
23:42You didn't, though.
23:43Clever clogs.
23:44I'll have you know,
23:45I won Leonard Cheshire Holmes
23:48Radio Companion of the Year
23:502017 and 2018.
23:52Two years in a row.
23:53First time anyone done it outside of London.
23:54Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
23:56Now, come here and give us a half hug,
23:58you bloody bugger.
23:58Yeah, I loved what I heard, though.
24:02Yeah.
24:02Yes, well, Mr Branning likes to keep the pace up.
24:05Slightly less leisurely than back in our day.
24:08Bit more peppy.
24:08You don't think peppy's more of a breakfast thing?
24:10You know all that research that says retirees
24:12get a headache before lunch
24:13and prefer the radio a bit more gentle?
24:15Right.
24:15It was good to see my erstwhile sidekick again.
24:18Good to see him back in fine fettle
24:20after a complete breakdown
24:22when his girlfriend moved to Coventry
24:24to study linguistics.
24:25I was told you threw a brick at a swan.
24:27The goose.
24:28Goose.
24:29Yeah.
24:29I mean, if you ever want to talk about anything,
24:32all you've got to do,
24:33pick up the phone, mate.
24:34I know.
24:34It's that easy.
24:35I know.
24:36WhatsApp, FaceTime.
24:37Yeah.
24:38As long as it's not, you know,
24:39a landline before 6pm,
24:42we can talk to the cows come home.
24:43Yeah, I know.
24:45I know we can.
24:48Yeah, you sit there.
24:49Sit yourself down, sir.
24:50Sidekick Simon had been a moderately good broadcaster
24:52and an even better friend,
24:54but our fruitful working relationship
24:56had gone mouldy.
24:57In May 2022,
24:58after he ignored an amusing text message
25:01about a cat,
25:02we broke friends.
25:03Today, I want us to get things off our chest
25:05to help us both,
25:07but mainly me.
25:09Memories.
25:10Yep.
25:10Like the corner of my mind,
25:13misty water-coloured memories.
25:14Barbra Streisand.
25:15The finish of the way we were.
25:18Barbra Streisand.
25:20How did we get from the way we were
25:22to the way we are?
25:23Because we locked horns.
25:24No, God, yeah.
25:25We were like two stags, weren't we?
25:27Yeah.
25:27Going out and out.
25:28And I think there are still troubled waters.
25:30And we're going to build a bridge.
25:32Yeah, and it's time to build a bridge.
25:35Over troubled waters.
25:35Over troubled water.
25:41Today, I'm going to invite you
25:42to try the I feel technique.
25:44Oh, I think I know this.
25:45Let me explain it.
25:47To avoid rancour,
25:48I might say to my milkman,
25:50when you clank bottles
25:51early in the morning,
25:53I feel uncared for sleep-wise.
25:56And then he can respond in kind.
25:58It's a simple,
25:59but surprisingly powerful technique.
26:01Yeah, no, I do know this.
26:02Do you?
26:03Yes, yes.
26:04It's like the guy on YouTube said.
26:05It's a simple,
26:06but surprisingly powerful technique.
26:08He even does that.
26:09Yeah.
26:09Well, I read this in a book, so...
26:11Oh, did you?
26:12Hmm, yeah.
26:12Oh, okay.
26:13Which book?
26:14Because I'm looking into self-help a bit as well.
26:16It's by Dr. Bristol.
26:18Sorry, Bridge.
26:20Dr. Bristol.
26:21Dr. Bristol Bridge,
26:23who lives in Texas.
26:25In America.
26:27Yeah, yeah.
26:28Right.
26:30Shall I begin?
26:31Yes, I invite you to.
26:32When you criticise me on air,
26:36I feel belittled.
26:39Hmm.
26:40When you complain about feedback,
26:42I feel hurt
26:45because I'm only trying to help you.
26:47Right, well,
26:48when you say feedback,
26:50but then reel off a lot of quibbles you have with me,
26:53I feel attacked.
26:55Yeah.
26:55When you describe major flaws
26:57in your broadcasting style as quibbles,
26:59I feel you're not taking the listener serious.
27:01When you talk about the listeners,
27:02I feel like you're hiding behind them
27:04in order to say a lot of petty gripes
27:06that have been bothering you that time.
27:08When you describe my gripes as petty,
27:10I feel like you're being a dick
27:12and it hurts my feelings.
27:13When you call me a dick,
27:15I want to tell you to fuck off
27:16and say that when you worked here,
27:18no one at the station liked you.
27:20When you use bad language and lie,
27:23I feel like I shouldn't have given you the day off
27:25when your dad died.
27:27Great.
27:28Really useful technique.
27:29It keeps a lid on things emotionally,
27:31but, you know,
27:32really gets the endorphins going.
27:34Oh, yes,
27:35gets them dolphins going.
27:36Well, do you know what?
27:37Endorphins are a bit like them dolphins,
27:38aren't they?
27:39This is good banter.
27:40They'll probably ask us to strike up the partnership,
27:42recreate the old magic.
27:43Yeah.
27:44Yeah?
27:44Why?
27:45Has anyone said anything?
27:46No.
27:46Okay.
27:47No one said a word.
27:49All right.
27:49The human mind is a swirling mass of negativity,
27:54besieged as we are by critics, bullies, and liars.
27:58But today, hope for a journey that began in a woman's lap
28:01has reached a watershed moment.
28:04Like footage played backwards,
28:06I have begun to feel long-held anxieties
28:08retreat and canter into the distance.
28:11And for the time being, at least,
28:13I am now the very picture of contentment.
28:16So I'll ask you again,
28:18how are you?
28:22Rupert, Rupert the Bear
28:24Everyone sing his name
28:28Rupert, Rupert the Bear
28:31Everyone come and join
28:35In all of his games
28:38Rupert
28:42Rupert
28:44Rupert
28:45Rupert
28:45All right.
28:47You
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