Dealing with Toddler Tantrums! Subscriber Excerpt

Stefan Molyneux

In this segment from the 28 September 2025 Sunday Morning Live Donors stream, Stefan explores the complexities of toddler behavior and effective parenting strategies through the lens of a parent's experience with their three-year-old son asserting autonomy in choosing the order of sock-wearing. He discusses the natural power struggle that arises as children test boundaries, suggesting that parents can foster reasoning skills by engaging in open dialogue rather than giving in to demands. Key concepts include negotiating desires, recognizing the universality of rules through Kant's categorical imperative, and understanding the importance of trade-offs in social interactions. Ultimately, Stefan advocates for parents to expose their children to discussions around preferences and boundaries to promote empathy and critical thinking as they mature.  Preview the full show here: https://premium.freedomain.com/19ec9b33/sunday-morning-live-subscribers-stream-28  Subscribers can get the full show here:  X: https://x.com/StefanMolyneux/status/1972385183857848822  Locals: https://freedomain.locals.com/post/7322380/sunday-morning-live-subscribers-stream-28-september-2025  Subscribestar: https://www.subscribestar.com/posts/2097674  Freedomain Members: https://freedomain.com/sunday-morning-live-subscribers-stream-28-september-2025/  SUBSCRIBE TO ME ON X! https://x.com/StefanMolyneux  Follow me on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/@freedomain1  Not yet a subscriber? You can join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!  Subscribers get 12 HOURS on the "Truth About the French Revolution," multiple interactive multi-lingual philosophy AIs trained on thousands of hours of my material - as well as AIs for Real-Time Relationships, Bitcoin, Peaceful Parenting, and Call-In Shows!  You also receive private livestreams, HUNDREDS of exclusive premium shows, early release podcasts, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and much more!  See you soon! https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2025

Transcript

00:00Uh, hi, Steph. I have a son who just turned three. I try to follow his lead a lot and cater to his

00:06desires, e.g. what playground we go to, which fruit to eat for a snack, etc.

00:15But lately, I am unsure whether he is misusing his power or if it's just a normal stage of

00:20toddlerhood. Example one, I put on his socks and I'm almost done when he proclaims,

00:24oh no, mama, I wanted my right sock on first. When I put his left sock on first, what's your

00:29approach? Is it a power struggle? Oh, that's interesting. That's interesting. So he's

00:34testing whether you are a sort of obedience robot. You're testing how much power he has.

00:47He's testing how much power he has. So I'm trying to think. I put myself in your shoes.

00:51Ooh, tight. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes. Okay. So my kid says,

00:57I wanted my left sock put on first.

01:02So then I would say, he's three, right? Uh, is he closer to four or closer to three? Like at this age,

01:10that makes a big difference. It's like 25% of his entire lifespan. It's like 15 to 20 years later on

01:15in life. Is he closer to four or is he closer to three? My friend, if you can just, just let me know.

01:24So the essential thing with your kids, of course, is to be honest with them.

01:29So if he says, mama, I wanted my left sock put on first, I would say, but I don't want to put your

01:43left sock on first because you don't care, right? So he says, you're putting on his socks. You finish

01:51putting on his socks. And he says, I wanted my left sock put on first. So you can say, why? Why do you

01:57want your left sock put on first? And if he doesn't have a good reason, you say, well, I don't, I don't

02:02care which sock goes on your foot first. I care about you, but I don't care. It doesn't really

02:07matter. Like you both end up with socks on your feet. But I would say, be honest and say, I don't

02:12want to put your left sock on first. Now, my guess is then, excuse me, my guess is then that he would

02:23escalate, maybe cry, maybe get upset because he really, really wants his left sock put on first, or at least

02:31that's what he claims. And then I would say, should we get what we want because we cry? Which is an

02:40interesting, not with prejudice, like how dare you think that you get what you want because you cry, right?

02:44Should we get what we want because we cry? So if you want your left sock put on first, and I don't

02:54want to put your left sock on first because I don't care and it doesn't matter. And I, you know, I just

03:00don't want to have all of these rules, right? I don't want to be like, well, my kid's going to be happy if

03:05I put the left sock on first, but he's not going to be happy if I like this, just, and those rules can

03:09get lots and lots, right? So it's a UPP question or conversation, which is, should everyone get what

03:19they want because they cry? Oh, he just turned three. Okay. So he's, he's early on. So should I do

03:27what you want because you're upset? That's a big question, right? And I think a three-year-old can

03:31handle it. Should you do what I want? So for instance, if I want you to eat your veggies and you don't

03:38want to eat your veggies, should you eat your veggies because I'm crying or because I'm upset

03:42or because I really want you to, right? So a three, again, you'd have to simplify it with more

03:48empirical examples because he's early three, not late three, but it would be something like,

03:53do you remember when I wanted you to eat your vegetables last night and you said no?

03:59And this is an interesting question and it is an interesting question, right? Thank you for the

04:04donation. I appreciate that. So if you say to your kid, should we get what we want because we're

04:16upset, right? That's an interesting question. So we have, we're butting heads and there's nothing

04:24wrong with that. People have disagreements, but if I should put your left sock on first because you

04:33really want me to, and I really don't want to put your left sock on first, who's right?

04:40What should happen? Now we can have a discussion for sure, but if we say,

04:47you should have your left sock put on first because otherwise you'll be upset,

04:54then can I do that too? Can I say, you have to eat your vegetables, otherwise I'm upset.

05:00Is upset, is getting mad, sad, bad or glad or whatever. Is that the reason why we do things?

05:08Now that's a very, and we put those four, we put those questions to our children as these are very

05:15interesting questions. Not from a moral standpoint as yet, because you want children to understand

05:23morality before you inflict it. Otherwise you're just saying, well, you're wrong or it's bad or it's

05:29negative or not evil because they're like little kids or whatever, right? But you know, it's, it's

05:33wrong. It's wrong to get mad at mommy because I don't do what you want. That's being a bully. And

05:38I'm not saying you would say that, but, but we wouldn't, we don't want to teach kids

05:41the consequences of right and wrong before they understand right and wrong. So the UPP question

05:50goes something like this. Mom, I really wanted you to put

05:54my left sock on first. So, ah, that's an interesting question. Should I do it? Yes,

06:04you should. Cause I want you to. That's, that's very interesting. And I appreciate that. And of

06:08course I want to do things that make you happy. Is that true for everyone?

06:13Cause if he's smart enough to say he wants his left sock on first, he's smart enough to

06:19get this and say, is that true for everyone? So do I have to do what you want because you

06:26really want me to? Yes. Okay. Do you have to do what I want you to do because I really

06:32want you to? Cause we're both people, right? We're both human beings. So if I have to put

06:42your left sock on because you really want me to, do you have to eat vegetables because

06:45I really want you to now, that now he's got a calculation to make, right? Now things get

06:53really interesting for a kid because of course he wants you to do what he wants because he

07:01wants it. Sure. Of course. I mean, you know, he's a kid. That's, that's what they want, right?

07:05Do what I want because I want you to, because you know, there's someone helpless. He can't

07:08put his own socks on or whatever, right? So if it's a one sided equation, then he's just

07:16going to expect you to do things because he wants you to do them. And who can blame him?

07:22I couldn't blame him. Some kids want to get what they want. But if it's like, okay, so the

07:31cost of me wanting you to put my left sock on is I have to eat my vegetables. Ooh, right now that's

07:40interesting, right? So another is, I want you to put my left sock on first. Hey, that's, I appreciate

07:48you telling me that. That's a big, it's a big and interesting question. So you want me to do it. I

07:54don't understand why, like, it doesn't really matter in some big way, right? Whether it's left or

07:58both, both the socks end up on both feet. We say, so I should do what you want because

08:04you want me to do it. Do you have to do what I want because I want you to do it? Like last

08:10night, I wanted you to go to bed and you didn't want to go to bed, right? And that's an interesting

08:16question. And I don't know the answer because it's complicated, but it's an interesting question.

08:21This is what I would say. It's an interesting question. So do I do what I do?

08:28What you want because you want me to, then the deal is you have to do what I want you to

08:37do because I want you to. You have to do what I want because I want you to, because we can't

08:44have totally different rules, right? That would be like saying to go upstairs, I have to go

08:53down into the basement and you have to climb the stairs to upstairs, right? We can't have

08:56opposite rules, right? So, and that would be the first thing, right? And that gives him pause,

09:06right? Now he has to say, okay, well, if I want my mom to do what I want because I want to, then

09:11what do I do when my mom wants stuff? Like now he's got, it's the beginning of learning how to

09:16really negotiate with people, right? It's to recognize the wants of self and other. So that

09:22would be the first thing. Now I think my guess is that he's smart enough for this. And by that,

09:27I don't mean basically intelligent, but brain development stuff, I don't mean anything like

09:31that, right? But I would also give him the second level of UPB. The first level is Kent's categorical

09:42imperative, right? I wouldn't explain it to him that way. I can't because can't, but it would be like,

09:49if that's the rule for you, will you accept that rule for everyone, right? Act as if the principle

09:55of your action becomes a general rule for everyone. So that's, that first part is more of

10:02Kant's categorical imperative or just basic morals. How would you like it if, right? If you snatched

10:06something from someone else, how would you like it if someone snatched from you, blah, blah, blah,

10:09right? But the second, so the real essence of the UPB conversation goes something like this.

10:14So, and you could even use his favorite toys, his plushies, you know, Bob and Sally or whatever

10:22it is, right? So you could bring up his little plushies or his hand puppets or whatever. I'd say,

10:29okay, so Bob says Sally has to do something just because Bob wants him to, but Sally doesn't want

10:36to do it. So who wins? Doesn't it cancel each other out? So if the rule is everyone has to do

10:45what everyone else wants, well, you want me to put the left sock on. I don't want it. So we cancel

10:50each other out and we can't both get what we want. Therefore it's not, I mean, there's a problem

10:57with the rule that everyone has to do what everyone else wants. Because if I want to read

11:04and you want to go to the park, then I have to want to take you to the park because I have to do

11:11what you want, but you also have to stay and watch me read because you have to do what I want and we

11:15can't decide what we're going to do. It's impossible because we can't both sit here and read and go to

11:20the park. So it, it, it, it, it, it, it fails. It, it, it doesn't like, and then you can sit there and

11:27say, okay, and this is what I did with my daughter when I was trying to explain paradoxes. I'd say,

11:32okay, uh, get the pencil, get the crayon, get the marker or whatever, uh, and get the paper and say,

11:40okay, uh, I want you to draw a square circle. I want you to draw a square circle. And of course,

11:48you know, the kids always draw, you know, it's a, a circle, it's a square with rounded corners.

11:53I said, no, that's not a circle. Neither is it a square. Right. And my, my daughter actually worked

11:57on this for a while because she was convinced that she could somehow produce a square circle. Right.

12:03And so something can't be a circle and a square at the same time, or if they're more tangible,

12:10you get them a ball, right? Get them. I got this little, uh, what is this? Uh,

12:15Oh, a little ball of lip balm. It's dry in the studio. So you take them the ball,

12:21right? And you say, show me the edges. Where are the sharp edges on the ball?

12:28Oh man. All right. Right. Can you, I want you to, I want you to cut a tomato with that ball or cut

12:35an apple maybe with that ball or, you know, something tangible and say, so this is right.

12:39Can something be a ball and have a sharp edge? No. If it has a sharp edge, it ain't a ball.

12:45It's not a ball. Right. Something can't be a spoon and a knife at the same time. You wouldn't

12:50use a knife to eat soup and you wouldn't use a spoon to cut an apple. Right. So the rule we do what

12:58other people want is like a square circle. It's like a ball with an edge. It doesn't work. It's not

13:05possible. So we have to have some other way of figuring out what we do other than I do what you

13:11want. You do what I want because I want, I'm not going to be the same, right? You want to play. I

13:17want to cook or I have to cook or something like that. Right. And I can't both play and cook.

13:21Otherwise we're going to end up with toys in the soup or soup on the carpet. Right. You can make jokes,

13:26this kind of stuff, right? Do, do you want to eat Barbie stew? Do you want to eat

13:30Thomas, the tank engine stew? You don't want to eat my little pony burgers. Do you?

13:35Oh, hairy. And Silicon. So I would have those conversations about him or with him to get him

13:46to understand. Now, of course, he's not going to come out of that because again, he's just turned

13:52three. So he's not going to come out of that with some big understanding of how to negotiate because

13:56that's big and complicated. But what he will do is he will recognize, you know, with my daughter,

14:03it's always like, it's one dial. Like, so, you know, those, you have two dials, right? This used

14:07to be on EQs, right? You have these, I show you, I've moved the camera. I can show you, but I'm going

14:11to see my messy desk here, but you have these dials. So you can see them on windows. Uh, you can see

14:15them in equalizers, you know, you dial up the base and the treble. So in most of these multi-dial

14:21systems, you can just move one dial up and the other dial doesn't go up. Like many, many, many

14:27moons ago when I was a director of technology, I programmed a prototype. It was really, really

14:34great. So one of the things that people have in large organizations is everybody wants their own

14:38budget, right? And so we had a list of projects and they were categorized by various, sorry, they

14:45were categorized by various categories, a bit of a, they were assorted by various categories and you

14:50had a fixed budget and you assigned priority. Like maybe building something new was more important

14:56than maintenance, right? Um, and so there were five columns of various categorized projects

15:05and you had a fixed budget. And if you dragged one dial up, the other dials went down based

15:11on the relative importance of them. So if you wanted to spend more on maintenance, oh, I want

15:16to get this done. Then the other dials would have to go down and you could, you know, you could

15:21even change the budget if you, if you got more budget, but, but it was a way of really explaining

15:25to people and having them vividly and visually understand there are no solutions, only trade

15:29offs. If you're going to spend more on this, you have to spend less somewhere else. And

15:33that was a really powerful piece of software that actually sold a lot of systems, which

15:38was, uh, because, uh, people who are, uh, the budgeters are always trying to get everyone

15:43to explain that resources are finite and desires are infinite. And this was a way of just saying,

15:48I mean, no, I don't have the code anymore. That was with another company, but it was a really

15:52great piece of software to explain to people. And just based on my basic knowledge of economics

15:57that if you want to spend more here, and this is, I wish they'd shown this to the boomers,

16:00right? You got a column called foreign aid. You got a column called the welfare state.

16:04You got a column called unemployment insurance. You got a column called pensions. You got a

16:08column called a healthcare. You got a, right? Uh, interest on the debt and you got your taxes,

16:14right? And if you dial up one, you gotta, you gotta dial down another, right? This is, it's

16:19just basically teaching. It's teaching reality to people. Like I'm doing the show. I'm not working

16:24out at the same time. I did occasionally in the past, but, uh, it was a really great piece of

16:28software and it would be great to have this at a government site or to say to people who want to

16:34spend more. I remember in my documentary on California, sunset in the golden state,

16:40freedom, main.com slash documentaries. I confronted the city council of Los Angeles and said, well,

16:47how are you going to pay for all this stuff? Like you've got the spending wishlist, but you

16:50don't have to buy, like, what are you cutting? Right? So if you want to spend more like, oh,

16:54I want to increase foreign aid. Okay. What do you want to, like, if you bring that other stuff comes

16:58down, right? But of course, with fiat currency, that chart is just a fantasy dildo to

17:05torment the next generation with. But it was a really, so, so sort of my point with this is that

17:12if, if you dial up for the kid, do what I want because I want you to, then you dial it up for

17:19everyone. That's the universality of UPB, right? Dial it up for everyone. And if you dial it up for

17:24everyone, then the system doesn't work. Like it logically, you, you, the moment you dial it up,

17:31you get a square circle and therefore it can't work. So that would be my approach to it. Yes,

17:36it was, it was actually very clever software and I came up with it and programmed it entirely on my

17:41own. And it became a core part of the demo for the software as a whole.

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