- 2 weeks ago
Category
π₯
Short filmTranscript
00:00It's night time with your host, Jason Knight!
00:06Keep up with me, boys.
00:08Please welcome the two young stars of Jim and Barbara.
00:12It's Clive Richardson and Sophie Straw!
00:17Oh!
00:21Someone's popped it off.
00:24Clive, honey, let's be honest.
00:27You've got what every man wants.
00:30The career is going pretty well.
00:32I'm talking about Sophie.
00:35What every man wants?
00:36Make me sound like a Black & Decker power drill.
00:39The accent is real.
00:42I think I'm in love.
00:43Well, join the queue, mate.
00:45Sophie, come on, what's old Clive got that I haven't?
00:48Bigger car.
00:49Bigger car? It's not the size that counts.
00:51I'll be the judge of that.
00:54She's got it, she's got it.
00:56And I want to catch it.
00:59I'm gonna give you love.
01:02Something's got a hole on me, yeah.
01:06I must be love.
01:08Oh!
01:09Something's got a hole on me right now, child.
01:13I must be love.
01:15Let me tell you now.
01:16I've got a feeling, I feel so strange.
01:19Everything about me seems to have changed.
01:22Step by step, I've got a brand new walk.
01:25I even sound sweeter when I talk.
01:28Stop.
01:29I said oh.
01:30Tom.
01:31Oh.
01:32Tom!
01:33Oh.
01:34Tom.
01:35Oh.
01:36Hey, me, yeah!
01:37Oh, it must be love.
01:38All right, all right, I'll pass it over.
01:40I'll pass it over.
01:41You've got another four- colours you've had another.
01:43Oh!
01:44She jumped!
01:45Oh, something's got a hole on me right now, child.
01:47Oh, something's got a hold on me right now, child
01:51Oh, let me tell you now
01:54I've never felt like this before
01:57Something's got a hold on me and won't let go
02:00Believe I try if I'm only good
02:03I feel so strange, but it sure is good
02:07I said, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
02:12Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
02:22You know it walks like love
02:23You know it walks like love
02:37You know a while
02:39It always lasts, we remember
02:43We say that at 20 years we are the king of the world
02:52And that eternally there will be in our eyes all the sky
02:59It's the time of love, the time of friends and adventure
03:07Quand le temps va et vient, on ne pense Γ rien
03:13MalgrΓ© ses blessures
03:15Car le temps de l'amour s'avoulait au cΕur
03:20Work was absolutely bloody.
03:24What's for supper?
03:26Well, I thought you were buying fish.
03:28I thought you were. I was flat out.
03:29Well, we were flat out too. Sorry.
03:32Were you? Right.
03:34Well, I know it seems like all we do is lark around.
03:36It certainly looked that way when I saw you all in the club room.
03:40Well, well, yes. Fair point.
03:42That was very much larking around.
03:45I felt rather left out.
03:47I sometimes wonder if you should be with someone more fun.
03:51More like, I don't know, Sophie Strahl.
03:53She's not available.
03:56Well.
03:58So now we know.
03:59Well, um, that couldn't have come out any more wrong.
04:05I was just, um, stating a fact.
04:08It's in all the papers.
04:09Sophie's with Clive.
04:10I thought you said she was bright.
04:14I see. That's funny.
04:15Well, as it happens, I've been reading Le Rien.
04:27A joke. I know it.
04:29It's a selection of philosophical essays about comedy.
04:32Yes, I read it. It's hilarious.
04:34Well, perhaps I could come along to the Pipe Smoke studio and see you in action.
04:42We're an arts and culture show.
04:45You're aware there won't be any laughs?
04:47I'm cultured. Try me.
04:50Who are you doing a profile of this week?
04:52Solzhenitsyn.
04:54The ballet dancer.
04:55Oh, Dennis, you're...
04:57You're...
04:58I'm joking.
04:59I'm well aware of Russia's most famous dissident.
05:03All right, then.
05:04It's a date.
05:05I'll have a word with my boss.
05:07Though he's, um, sometimes a bit funny about guests in the control room.
05:10Vernon Whitfield being funny, this I have to see.
05:13And I'm not a guest.
05:14I'm your husband.
05:17Should we just nip out for fish and chips?
05:20Might be best.
05:28On s'en souviennes.
05:52Clive, wake up.
05:54Your mom's here.
05:55What?
05:56Your mom.
05:56Your mom's here.
06:00Your mom.
06:00Shit, shit, shit.
06:01Shit, shit, quick, uh, quick, hide, hide.
06:04Where?
06:05In that coma, quick.
06:06I'm fucking serious.
06:07My mom will have a heart attack.
06:08She, she, she.
06:15Mother, uh, what a lovely surprise.
06:22Well, I, uh, I've heard your fuse box, mate.
06:25Uh, uh, uh, you need a new, uh, circuit, uh, for your bracket valve.
06:30Oh, right.
06:31Oh, how rude.
06:32Um, Sophie, this is Gladys.
06:34Morning.
06:35Watch her.
06:37She cleans.
06:38On Tuesdays and Fridays.
06:39I'll leave you to it.
06:42Thank you, Gladys.
06:43I hate you.
06:47You knew, and you didn't say.
06:49Of course I did.
06:51Oh, by the way, my mother grew up with the Mitfords.
06:53She'd be shocked if I didn't have someone in bed.
06:56Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
06:57Oh, gosh, is it, is it wrong that I find you rather attractive dressed like this?
07:03Psst.
07:04Sam, do the, do the voice.
07:06You're weird.
07:07Oh, do it, do the voice.
07:10All right, mate.
07:11Ooh.
07:11I've come to check your sprockets.
07:14Oh, my sprockets, I do.
07:15At last
07:19My love has come along
07:27My lonely days
07:34Morning, Marjorie.
07:37You dirty stop-out.
07:39So, Susan, you all right?
07:41Ooh.
07:42Doesn't he ever feed you?
07:44Breakfast at Clive's is a Bloody Mary with an egg in.
07:47Mmm.
07:48How very James Bond.
07:50Ugh!
07:51Ugh!
07:52Ugh!
07:53Right, better get my skates on.
07:57Got a union meeting first thing,
07:59and they're making us do a fire drill.
08:01They've set up muster point.
08:03I said muster point, what's the point, more like?
08:06Fire, fire along.
08:06Going off, I'm not hanging about,
08:08waiting to burst into flames in an orderly fashion.
08:10Squeezing me arse out the basement window.
08:13Are you sure you don't want a ticket to see the show this week?
08:16Why don't you take your dad?
08:18Put a map in a spanky hotel like you always said you would.
08:20Maybe I will.
08:22Introduce him to his future son-in-law.
08:23Give over?
08:25Anyway, I'm really busy this week.
08:27Decided to spread me wings a bit.
08:31What?
08:32Book myself in for yoga class.
08:34So, you'll be spreading your wings and your bum cheeks.
08:39What?
08:41Oh, God.
08:42Oh, Marjorie, that is disgusting.
08:44You've no manners at all.
08:47Uh, uh, uh, uh...
08:49Oh, that's a good one.
08:51Right, night.
08:56I knew it was coming.
09:00Life appears to be imitating art.
09:03Well, that's good publicity for the show.
09:04The ratings are very buoyant.
09:06Well, that's what it may be.
09:07But now we've got this Mary Whitehouse woman
09:09breathing down our neck with her clean-up TV manifesto.
09:12Yes, but does anyone really take her seriously?
09:14Just the 500,000 people who signed a petition.
09:18Oh.
09:19Allow me to read you her appraisal of our output.
09:23Hmm.
09:24This organization spreads the propaganda
09:26of dirt, promiscuity, infidelity, and drinking.
09:29And apparently we are also responsible
09:31for the moral collapse of the country.
09:33Well done us.
09:34The Director General wants all our shows to reign it in.
09:38Jim and Barbara is quite racy enough
09:39without our stars upping the ante offscreen.
09:42Yes, well, I'm sure Jim and Barbara
09:44having the odd offscreen cuddle
09:46won't bring down the network.
09:48It's none of our business.
09:50It will be your business
09:52if any reports of personal misconduct go public.
09:54I am trusting you.
09:56Keep an eye on your stars.
09:58No cohabiting.
09:59And please, no more pictures in the press.
10:03Does my wife need to buy a new hat?
10:05I don't know.
10:06She's going somewhere chilly.
10:08An engagement will be marvellous publicity.
10:11You and Clive are as cute as two kitties in a basket.
10:14You could be the next Peter Sellers and Brit Eklund, eh?
10:18Brian, why do you have their photo on the wall?
10:21Don't even represent them.
10:24Oh, yes?
10:25Well, there won't be any engagements, Brian.
10:28Not unless you got a proposal there from young Prince Charles.
10:31I hear he's quite partial to a bit of comedy.
10:33Nothing royal, darling, but you do have a letter
10:35from your old school PE teacher, Miss Linnie.
10:37Oh, my God.
10:38Miss Linnie?
10:39We used to call her Mussolini.
10:41She made us do cross-country in our pants.
10:44Oh, God.
10:45Anyone can track you down when you're on TV.
10:47Never mind the fan mail.
10:49We have news.
10:50Big news.
10:51You have been...
10:51Thank you, Patsy.
10:52I'm sorry.
10:57You have been offered a plum roll in a carry-on film.
11:03Oh, my God.
11:04But an actual film dining in cinemas.
11:06Hollywood, here we come.
11:07My God.
11:08I love the carry-on films.
11:09Yeah, my great friend Gerald Thomas, the director,
11:12reached out to me personally.
11:13She calls her eyes.
11:14We start shooting as soon as we finish the sitcom.
11:17Shall I do the honors?
11:18OK, so how about this?
11:21Jim's working from home and Barb's gone off to see her mum.
11:23Somewhere up north.
11:24But Jim's been a bit cagey about his new secretary.
11:27So Barb's jumped to the conclusion
11:28it must be because this new secretary is sex on a stick.
11:31Yes, but just a flag.
11:34Why would Barbara be worried?
11:36I mean, forgive me,
11:36but we have an absolute bombshell playing our leading character.
11:43What?
11:43Nothing, Dennis.
11:44I didn't quite catch that, Dennis.
11:47Did you say lead character?
11:51Leading female character, I meant.
11:52No.
11:53No, I don't think you did.
11:56Ha-ha!
11:57I got you, didn't I?
11:58I'm only kidding.
11:59I honestly couldn't care less.
12:01Can we finish telling you our fucking great idea?
12:04So, chaps...
12:05Barbara is very worried and jealous.
12:07So she beats a hasty retreat back to the flat.
12:10Planning to surprise Jim
12:11and maybe catch him in the act with his new secretary, so to speak.
12:14Yes, go on, chaps.
12:14I'm with you.
12:15But.
12:15No, no, but, but, let me guess, let me guess.
12:18She marches in and oops-a-diddley-dandy,
12:21the new secretary is a fat Sunday school teacher
12:24with a big hairy mole and three-inch specks.
12:27Well, thank you for assuming we'd write something so deeply ordinary and predictable, Clive,
12:32but, no, Jim's new secretary is a man.
12:38Are men secretaries?
12:40Oh, secretary of state, private secretary, secretary...
12:42No, no, no, no, no, but I mean usual, uh, take dictation, Miss Jones type secretary.
12:47Of course men can be secretaries.
12:48The job doesn't actually require a vagina.
12:51Yes, but sorry to be, uh, Sir Lawrence's logic,
12:53but surely at some point Jim would say the secretary's name
12:56and Barbara would twig it was a man.
12:58Oh, not necessarily.
13:00Not necessarily.
13:02Good.
13:05Good.
13:06Just good.
13:06Hand into the tree pose, wave your branches in the breeze.
13:14Beautiful.
13:16Come steady.
13:19Clasping that right ankle, pushing the foot back,
13:22so we go to dance, opposed, reaching forwards,
13:27lift the foot...
13:28Ah, fuck!
13:30Sorry.
13:31Sorry.
13:31Good.
13:36Don't do yourself a mischief before you've even gone in.
13:53Mischief's already been done.
13:54Not sure if I've slapped my hamstring or my knicker elastic.
13:58You should have come in with that lot.
14:01So, what do you make in a women's workshop then?
14:05Trouble.
14:06Do you want me to the folks out?
14:08Yeah.
14:09Keep it down.
14:10I'm trying to focus.
14:12You want to come?
14:12Yeah.
14:13What?
14:14Yeah.
14:15Come on.
14:16Come on.
14:16Come on.
14:18Oh my God, what are you doing having a bath at half past seven in the morning?
14:33We haven't got a shower.
14:46Sorry, I'm desperate.
14:47Oh.
14:49Oh.
14:52Relief.
14:54I must have a better girl in the lager than me.
14:56I didn't think yoga types drank beer.
14:58Couldn't handle yoga.
15:00Went to the pub.
15:01Who with?
15:02I met some girls at a women's workshop.
15:05Yeah, nice bunch.
15:06Interesting.
15:07One of them's a plumber.
15:08Blimey.
15:10Maybe she could take a look at your leaky pipes.
15:12Haven't you finished yet?
15:14Stop looking.
15:15You're making me nervous.
15:15It's making it worse.
15:19How come Clive hasn't asked you to move in then?
15:23So you'll be running back here every morning.
15:26We haven't really discussed it.
15:28And Dennis says that Ted Sargent wouldn't stand for it.
15:32I suppose it would mean we'd have to get married for real.
15:35Why doesn't he just propose then?
15:37Everyone at work keeps asking.
15:39Oh, tell everyone at work keep their beets out of my business.
15:44God.
15:45You can't do anything these days without everyone watching us.
15:48Or writing it up in the paper.
15:51You have to be really careful.
15:53Well, you need to be careful that you don't get stuck with all these blokes telling you what to do with your life.
15:57Last night, me and the girls were talking about poor old Cynthia Lennon.
16:00Poor?
16:01Don't think so.
16:02She's got a baby with a beetle and she's still made to walk ten paces behind him so that he can look sexy and available.
16:09Price, you're a bit argy-bargy today, Marge.
16:12What was in that beer?
16:14Was it a pint of courage?
16:15No.
16:16As women, we've got to stand up for ourselves, Bob.
16:19No.
16:21Not put up with all of the...
16:24...the...
16:24...pach...pachcarkle bullshit.
16:27I appreciate it.
16:43Diane Lewis, today with Andrew O'Shea.
16:45So, at this point, do I know the secretary is in the kitchen?
17:04No, no, it could be anywhere.
17:06Bedroom, bathroom, hiding in a cupboard.
17:10Oh! So, could I be an electrician?
17:15An electrician come to check his spruits.
17:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:21Yeah, all right.
17:22Hey, put this on.
17:24Perfect.
17:26We take it back to the entrance?
17:28Very good.
17:28So, obviously, I, Jim, knows that it's Barbara from the moment she comes in the door.
17:33Right, but you don't want her to know you know.
17:36Hmm.
17:37Why not?
17:38Because that's how we wrote it.
17:39It's a double bluff.
17:41You've got the upper hand.
17:42Okay.
17:42Yes.
17:43No, okay, good, good.
17:44Right, so, thanks for coming round.
17:47It's Charlie, isn't it?
17:49Yes, sir.
17:50My parents named me after Charlie Chaplin on a can of my moustache.
17:55Ah, that's, yeah, it's very good.
17:56It's not going to work.
17:57I mean, you have to play with that.
17:59It's, you know, babies don't have moustaches.
18:01Er, I was an unusually hairy baby.
18:05Shaving at the age of three.
18:07All right, very good.
18:10Okay, so.
18:11Sounds like my mum.
18:13Well, Charlie, me old mucker, can I interest you in a cup of tea?
18:16Ooh.
18:17Yeah.
18:18Well, a cup of rosy lady be lovely.
18:23I'm sorry, Dennis.
18:24Don't inflame her.
18:24Sorry.
18:25It is no troubles.
18:26Oh, no, no trouble at all.
18:28My secretary's just put another pot on.
18:30Hillary, another cup of tea, please.
18:32Bill, could you play Hillary for now?
18:33I can't.
18:34I just...
18:34Bill, what a great idea.
18:37Um, what if Hillary was a touch light in the loafers?
18:41I think that would be hilarious.
18:42Yeah, well, we did actually imagine that Hillary was homosexual, Clive, but not so we...
18:47Oh, no.
18:48Oh, no, come on, Dennis.
18:50Not the drened priest.
18:51Handed to me by Ted Sargent.
18:53I'm sure he has a drawer full of them.
18:56Jokes about effeminacy in men are banned.
18:58Yeah, right, right, right.
19:00But Hillary is not effemina.
19:02That's the whole point.
19:03We are trying to present a homosexual character that is not some fucking ridiculous parody.
19:08Den, radio is more cutting-edge than us.
19:11Round the horn has got two blokes speaking Polari.
19:14What's Polari?
19:14You're the one that said that we should be pushing boundaries.
19:18We do need to be pushing boundaries.
19:20But I'm not convinced that throwing in a coded language for the few that know it
19:23is the best way to give voice to the community we're trying to represent.
19:28Sophie, what would Barbara think?
19:31About...
19:32About Jim's secretary liking men.
19:34About men having sex with other men.
19:38Crikey.
19:40I don't know if I know any men who...
19:43Well, there were rumours about our milkmen.
19:45But would it bother her?
19:50Um...
19:51Well, the show's about modern love, isn't it?
19:54It'd be boring if we were all the same.
19:57Each to his own, I say.
19:59Isn't she remarkable?
20:00Hi.
20:04Hi.
20:04Sorry to butt in.
20:06Can I grab Clive for a fitting?
20:08There's a hilarious joke in there somewhere about butts and fitting.
20:11I, uh, thought I might take us all out to the opposition club tonight.
20:17Oh, cool.
20:18Only if you finish the script, of course.
20:20Oh.
20:20Oh, Dennis.
20:24Diane!
20:25What are you doing here?
20:28Working.
20:28Doing a piece for Nova magazine.
20:30Doing a piece for Nova magazine.
20:32Nova's over, baby.
20:33You are looking at the new on-air reporter for Today with Andrew O'Shea.
20:39You didn't tell me you were up for that.
20:44I didn't want to jinx it.
20:45Wow.
20:46How'd you even audition for a show like that?
20:49I had to present a piece to camera.
20:50Did you write it yourself?
20:51Of course.
20:52I'm a journalist.
20:53That's the job.
20:54Oh, my.
20:54Well, come on.
20:56Let's have a drink.
21:00I've got a bit of good news myself.
21:03What?
21:04I've been offered a role in the next Carry On film.
21:10Hey, great.
21:12What?
21:12Have you not seen the Carry On films?
21:14Oh, I've seen them and they're funny.
21:16The girls in them are always just a bit...
21:18What?
21:21Nubile Nurse or Frampiel Battleaxe.
21:24They're never the funny doctor or the wacky scientist.
21:28Oh.
21:29Right.
21:30Well, me and my dad like them
21:32because they're not just all posh people with fancy jobs
21:35talking like her off Brief Encounter.
21:38You know what?
21:39You're right.
21:40And they've probably written you something great.
21:44What part are you playing?
21:46A stripper called Tina Titley.
21:48In the cool of the evening
21:51When everything is getting kind of good at bay
21:56What exactly does Ted Sargent mean by cohabiting?
22:02Living in sin.
22:03Yeah, well, what about if two people are living together
22:05but not doing it?
22:06I mean, he's not a sin.
22:07Doing it?
22:07Wait, how old are you?
22:08Would Ted Sargent object to that then?
22:10Yes.
22:11How would he even know if Soap and Clive were doing it?
22:14He was probably hiding in a bush outside Clive's place
22:16with a pair of binoculars and his trousers around his ankle.
22:17Can everyone shut up about my sleeping arrangements, please?
22:21So we're saying that Ted Sargent doesn't believe in sex before marriage?
22:25Well, jaw him by the looks of it.
22:26Ha-ha!
22:26Ha-ha!
22:27Ha-ha!
22:31CHEERING
22:32CHEERING
22:33CHEERING
22:34CHEERING
22:35CHEERING
22:36CHEERING
22:37CHEERING
22:38CHEERING
22:39CHEERING
22:40CHEERING
22:41CHEERING
22:42CHEERING
22:43CHEERING
22:44CHEERING
22:45I think I've died and gone to comedy heaven.
22:48Is that actual Peter Cook up there?
22:50That's actual Cuddly Dudley right there.
22:52Oh, my God!
22:53Do you know them?
22:54He gave some of this lot their first job in radio.
22:56Dennis?
22:57Does that mean that you're part of the, erm...
23:00Oh, what's it called?
23:01The Oxfam Mafia?
23:02LAUGHTER
23:03The Oxbridge Mafia.
23:04Does that really exist?
23:05It does if you're not in it.
23:06Evening, ladies.
23:07Denise, always a pleasure.
23:08Pleasure's all mine, Frankie.
23:09Well, it could be, if you only give it a go, dear.
23:10Oh, Anthony, William.
23:11I'm ignoring you.
23:12I'm sorry we don't have time to work for you anymore, Frankie.
23:13I hope you'll soon find another writer.
23:14Well, I hope you'll soon get another cock up your arse.
23:15Well, that's unlikely with that hairdo, dear.
23:16He doesn't show up a dilly boys these days, Frankie.
23:17Paul.
23:18What's that?
23:19No.
23:20Just nothing.
23:21He's just...
23:22Fuck.
23:23Yeah.
23:24Mm-mm.
23:25Got plants pour around.
23:26Take a picture of someone.
23:27No, well, er...
23:28I just didn't want to wait for you to look old enough to get served at the bar, Bill.
23:29Sorry?
23:30Who's the dolly E?
23:31He's asking who's the priest's face.
23:32Oh, erm...
23:33Oh, Mr. Howard, I'm such a big fan.
23:35Oh, nice to meet you, big fanny, but I was talking about that one.
23:37No, he doesn't.
23:38No, he doesn't.
23:39No, no, no.
23:40No, no, no, no, no.
23:41No, no, no, no.
23:42No, no, no.
23:43No, no, no, no, no, no.
23:44No, no, no, no, no, no.
23:45No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
23:49Yeah, Jonathan.
23:50Oh, erm, Mr. Howard, I'm such a big fan.
23:54Oh, nice to meet you, big fanny, but I was talking about that one.
23:57No, he doesn't play Cartsey, The Ducks, he's with The Bona Pallone.
24:00Oh, shut up.
24:01And this is Sophie Straw.
24:02They're the leads in our sitcom.
24:04Oh, I don't watch other comedy, do you?
24:06Unless I'm nicking material!
24:07What are you, Mum?
24:08Thief of bad gags, me.
24:10Mr. Howard, I got a question.
24:13What is it?
24:14How did you learn to be funny?
24:16Oh, you can't teach it, dear. It takes years of failure, but if you've got it inside, it pops out like a karts and quons from a trade cafe's in a cottage.
24:27What does he mean?
24:29I'll see.
24:30Please.
24:33Go on, Dennis, dear.
24:34Well, he says that if it's in you, the comedy will pop out like a gentleman's dick, dear.
24:50Thank you, Franklin.
24:51Darling, do you want to see my wedding dress? I'm going to try it on.
24:57Hey, I thought it was supposed to be unlucky to see the bride in her dress.
25:01Silly. That only applies to the groom.
25:07Yeah.
25:09I mean, why are we holding this blanket here?
25:11That's Eleanor Braun. That's John Fortune.
25:14Yes, they're brilliant at improvising.
25:16You what?
25:18Well, they basically make it up as they go along.
25:20What? Even the lats?
25:22Especially the lats.
25:23You see that, I mean, never mind.
25:31You've been after you, dear.
25:43Yes, I know. You've been after me for years.
25:50Morning.
25:54You had a late one last night?
25:55Well, I promised the team I'd take them out of the opposition club.
26:00We all know you're a man of your word.
26:05I completely forgot.
26:07I had it in my diary for tonight.
26:08You completely forgot, or you had it in your diary for tonight?
26:13Both.
26:14I think.
26:16Sorry.
26:18Vernon is beginning to think you don't exist.
26:22Well, you can tell him I very much do exist.
26:24Well, as it happens, my profile on Solzhenitsyn was postponed.
26:28Great.
26:30I mean, that's, er, that, that, that, that's a shame for you.
26:35Was the whole show cancelled?
26:37Actually, we brought forward a live interview with Tony Hancock.
26:42Well, he was fascinating about comedy.
26:45You might have enjoyed it.
26:46The carry-on people have been on the phone,
26:55and they're eager to confirm some dates.
26:58So, if you would just, er,
27:01sign on the dotted line, hmm?
27:03I don't know if I want to do the film, Brian.
27:13Cassie?
27:13Yes, Holly?
27:13Would you arrange for me to have a hearing test, please?
27:16You heard me.
27:17The script's hilarious.
27:18Sophie Straw, what's got into you?
27:20I just don't want everything to be about my knockers.
27:24They don't make me do it on Jim and Barbara.
27:26It'd be a step back.
27:28And, and last night, Dennis took us to a comedy club,
27:30and I saw this girl in a double act making up her own lines.
27:34Eleanor something.
27:35Eleanor Broad.
27:35She's a completely different thing.
27:37She went to Cambridge, for God's sake.
27:38All I know is that nobody was laughing at her bust.
27:41Maybe I could make up my own lines.
27:43Look here, young lady,
27:44you need to learn to walk before you can run.
27:47Before you met me, you didn't have a shilling for a cab.
27:50Look, this will not last forever.
27:54My advice to you is to make the best of what you've got
27:57while you've got it.
27:58Because God knows there'll soon be another young girl
28:00coming up behind you,
28:01better, funnier, prettier, and bigger.
28:03And she'll be only too happy to fill your kinky boots.
28:17Sophie Straw, come back here.
28:22She's gone completely mad.
28:26Hidory always takes care of me while my wife's away.
28:30Takes care of you, does she?
28:32Hmm, yes.
28:34My secretary is very, very obliging.
28:39Obliging?
28:40Hillary, where are we with that tea?
28:41At which point Hillary enters with the tea.
28:44Oh, Den, how about when a twig gets a fella,
28:47I give a little glance direct to camera?
28:50Oh, I'm sorry, sir,
28:51if I'm afraid that breaks the fourth wall.
28:53Uh, darling, the fourth wall is an imaginary wall,
28:55and if we look into the cameras, then we break it.
28:58And we establish that we're in a television show, you see.
29:00Frankie Howard does it, and Lucille Ball.
29:03And that first time when I bumped into a camera,
29:05I did it, and it got a big laugh.
29:07Yes, but is it the wrong sort of laugh?
29:09Is there a wrong sort of laugh?
29:11Yeah, well, it's a good question.
29:12Bill, you might disagree with me, but it might be...
29:14I think we should give it a go.
29:17I'll be the camera.
29:18I'll be Hillary.
29:20Let's go back to the first bit of ladder business.
29:23Very good, very good.
29:24Cup of tea.
29:26Hillary, where are we with that tea?
29:28Here you are.
29:30I hope you like it strong.
29:33Hillary, meet my wife.
29:38It takes all sorts to create a modern world.
29:43Any good?
29:45What do you think?
29:50Sold.
30:00Oh.
30:00Edith, I'm so sorry.
30:08Are you suffering?
30:10Yes.
30:12Thanks.
30:23Gosh, I can see why they call the show Pipe Smoke.
30:27You haven't started smoking a mere sham, have you?
30:29I don't suppose you fancy coming to see the show tomorrow night?
30:38Actually, feel free to say yes and then not turn up.
30:42That would serve me right.
30:43Um, it's been a long day.
30:46I'm going to run a bath.
30:47London took such a hit during the war.
31:10It's coming up roses now, though, isn't it?
31:14Oh, now, keep your money in your top pocket, George.
31:17You can't trust anyone, even the kiddies.
31:24It's a fun piece.
31:26But I don't just want to do the fluffy stuff.
31:29I did a piece on birth control for Nova magazine.
31:32Oh, okay.
31:33But I'll build up to that.
31:34Thanks, mate.
31:45It's fine.
31:47I'll use my own.
31:48And now, let's meet the newest edition tritee, Diane Lewis.
32:00Welcome, Diane.
32:01Thank you, Andrew.
32:02Why don't you tell us what you've been up to?
32:04Well, Andrew, I have been out and about on Carnaby Street looking at the latest gear for
32:09groovy chicks and guys.
32:10These days, it's quite hard to tell the difference.
32:11Well, there's a whole new scene they're calling unisex fashion.
32:15I'm intrigued.
32:16Let's have a look at Diane in action.
32:22You're just what this show needs.
32:23People are going to love you.
32:34This must be costing you a fortune.
32:36Dad, just enjoy it while I've got it.
32:41We did all right, didn't we, mumble?
32:47You and me.
32:50Wait for me!
32:55Stoney.
32:56What?
32:57You look lovely, Auntie Ma.
33:01I wouldn't want Clive to think we were provincial.
33:04Provincial?
33:06Perfection, more like.
33:08Mr. Parker.
33:10Clive, aren't we?
33:12May I?
33:15It's right this way.
33:17Thank you very much.
33:18I am safe in assuming that nobody here hates champagne.
33:22Oh, he's much funnier in real life, isn't he?
33:26Well, try telling that to our writers.
33:28I didn't think you'd do better than Aidan, but this one's a keeper.
33:32You know, it is actually rude to whisper girls, unless you're saying something rather nice about me.
33:36I think we will have prices on the menu.
33:44Oh, no, please, I've taken care of it.
33:48Please.
33:48It's all right.
33:50All right.
33:51But are you looking forward to seeing the show recorded, hmm?
33:54Well, I'm more worried about how we're going to get back to the hotel afterwards.
33:58Oh, we'll get production to organise a car from the after party now.
34:01There's an after party.
34:04Oh, Barb didn't say it.
34:05It might be late, Marie.
34:07Oh, on the E-Day, I stayed up dancing till 4.30 in the morning, Clive.
34:12Oh, you are a tearaway, Marie.
34:15Will there be, like, famous people there?
34:18Get to see a beetle?
34:19Maybe.
34:20I'd rather have Ackerbillk any day.
34:22Right, well, let's drink to that.
34:25To Ackerbillk.
34:26No, no, we have to sleep show day tomorrow.
34:47I have to go home and change in about four hours.
34:50So, so, so, I've actually been thinking.
34:52It is crazy that you have to rush backwards and forwards every time, so.
35:01Sophie Stroll, would you do me the honour of moving in with me?
35:08But, but what about Ted Sargent?
35:12Yes, I don't think there's room for him to.
35:14No, what if he finds out?
35:16I'll get in loads of trouble.
35:18We're consenting, adults.
35:19It's different for girls.
35:21Sophie, come on.
35:22What could possibly go wrong with me?
35:26Those brown sheets would have to go.
35:29Feels like I'm sleeping in an oil slick.
35:31Oh.
35:32I guess we do know who's in charge here.
35:36You are.
35:38You know that always gets me.
35:40Miss Stroll.
35:52Miss Stroll.
35:52How did you get in here?
35:53Can I have an autograph, then?
35:55Uh, okay.
35:58Who shall I make it out to?
36:00Sydney.
36:00She even looks a bit like you.
36:10Sydney Best, report with us on newspaper.
36:13How does it feel to be the last to know?
36:15If you want something to play with, go and find yourself a toy.
36:30My time is too expensive.
36:33And anyway, you're not a little boy.
36:46But if you, baby, if you're serious, don't play with my heart.
36:56You make me furious, but if you want me, if you want me to love you...
37:05Hi.
37:06Hi.
37:08Tea?
37:25You know, don't you?
37:28I thought we were friends, Polly.
37:30We are.
37:31I never would have done it if I thought you were exclusive.
37:34What do you mean?
37:35Clive said it was no big deal.
37:38That you were both into the whole permissive society thing.
37:43We didn't mean to hurt you.
37:44So, we've just got a couple of script changes.
38:05Oh, hello.
38:06Are you guessing Sophie Straw?
38:10Yes.
38:11Oh, would you like to come with me?
38:18Oh, is this for the very important people?
38:20Come with me.
38:21Oh.
38:22Yeah, I'll get you to the phone.
38:23Come along, George.
38:23Shall we help?
38:24Excuse me.
38:25Norris, at the top of the scene, could you give me a deep two-shot when Barbara enters, please?
38:40Then, mate, we've got a problem.
38:41She won't answer us.
38:42We could hear her all teary in the dressing room.
38:43Sounds like a wounded animal.
38:44What wounded animal sounds like a fully grown woman crying her eyes out?
38:56Panda?
38:57Maybe.
38:58Maybe.
38:59I don't know.
39:00Oh, hello.
39:02Are these the very important people, sis?
39:03Hi.
39:04Oh.
39:05You have a choice.
39:06You can stay in here and not do the show.
39:07No.
39:08I am not not doing the show.
39:09I can't do the show, Dennis.
39:10Sophie, you love being in front of an audience.
39:11They love you.
39:12Look, I know what you're trying to do, Dennis, but there is no way I'm going to stand in front
39:15of that audience and act like I'm in love with Clive Richardson, when right now all I want
39:22to do is wring his bastard neck.
39:23You don't have to be in love with Clive.
39:24You have to be in love with Jim.
39:26When Lucille Ball found out that Desi Arnaz was a good friend of mine.
39:29You don't have to be in love with Clive.
39:31You don't have to be in love with Clive.
39:33You have to be in love with Jim.
39:36When Lucille Ball found out that Desi Arnaz was playing away, she fought back.
39:48She became the first woman to run a major television studio.
39:51Oh, yeah, because I can do that with my wages.
39:53Success is the sweetest revenge.
39:59Point is, you can fight back.
40:06By going out there and being funny.
40:09And Barbara isn't very happy about it.
40:36She's told Jim that she's away at her mother's.
40:40Oh, no.
40:41But really, wink, wink, she's come around to spy on Jim,
40:45who she thinks is having an affair with his secretary.
40:49Anybody here been a secretary?
40:53Oh, yes, madam.
40:54What's your shorthand like?
40:55Not as big as my long hand.
40:57Not as big as your long hand?
40:58Now then, are we ready?
41:03Yeah!
41:04We're rolling in five, four...
41:05Mm-mm.
41:06Oh, thanks for coming.
41:07Charles?
41:08That's right, son.
41:09Named after Charlie Chapley on account of Mama's story.
41:10Oh, no.
41:11Oh, no.
41:12No, no, no.
41:13Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
41:14Yeah, it's okay.
41:15It's fine.
41:16It's fine.
41:17It's fine.
41:18No, no, no, no.
41:19It's fine.
41:20It's fine.
41:21Well, no, no, no, no, no.
41:22We've got to do it.
41:23Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
41:24Oh, thanks for coming.
41:27Charles, is it?
41:29That's right, son.
41:30Named after Charlie Chapman, on account of my moustache.
41:34I say.
41:35How does that work, exactly?
41:37I was an unusually hairy baby.
41:40Shaving since the age of three.
41:42Hello, Charlie.
41:43The old mucker.
41:44Can I interest you in a cup of tea?
41:46Oh, I could kill a cup of Rosie Lee if it's no trouble, son.
41:49Oh, no trouble at all.
41:50My secretary's just made a part.
41:52Oh, secretary, is it?
41:54Hillary, another cup of tea, please.
41:56Hillary, is it?
41:59Oh, yes, Hillary always takes care of me while my wife's away.
42:04My secretary is very obliging.
42:07Obliging?
42:08I bet she's been obliging you all over the place.
42:11At work, in your office, or here, at home.
42:16On your snazzy, flipping sofa.
42:18Hillary, where is that tea?
42:29Shop 62, camera 4.
42:32There we are.
42:34I like it strong.
42:39Hillary, meet my wife.
42:42Your wife?
42:44Would you?
42:45Each to his own, I say.
42:57Well, Hillary, it takes all sorts to make a modern world.
43:02Good work, studio.
43:24Great.
43:25Well done, then.
43:26Yeah, well done, then.
43:27Congratulations, darling.
43:31I'm proud of you.
43:32You're a bit weird and not cool for me, but it was very professional.
43:38Well done, baby.
43:39CHEERING
43:40Well done, everyone.
43:53Excellent show.
43:55Drinks in the club bar, everyone.
44:01She'll come and find us.
44:02Yeah.
44:04So, what the hell was that?
44:06What the hell was that?
44:07Couldn't you just keep it in your trousers?
44:08What are you even talking about?
44:09Oh, you know damn well what I'm on about.
44:12You and Pauline.
44:13Me and Pauline, what?
44:15Can the sound department please turn off the microphones?
44:17And if I'm, where are you?
44:18Don't make it worse, you lying asshole.
44:20I'm Steve Bultigraf.
44:21What?
44:23Is this part of the show?
44:25I don't know.
44:26But that wasn't me.
44:28I'd recognise that body part anywhere.
44:30Did we ever want to say you were actually exclusive?
44:33Close up.
44:33It's the city's everyone's screwing around.
44:35I'm not.
44:37Not the person I'm screwing is you.
44:38You even asked me to move in with you.
44:41Yeah, yeah, and I meant it.
44:43Then why are you such a...
44:44Such a what?
44:45Go on.
44:46Such a...
44:46What?
44:47What?
44:47Go on, say it.
44:48Don't do it, Carl.
44:49Please don't.
44:49Go on.
44:50Such a lying, cheating cunt!
44:52God.
44:57Huh?
45:00What?
45:01What?
45:01What?
45:02Why?
45:02What?
45:03What?
45:03What?
45:05What?
45:16China?
45:16Magic moments
45:25When two hearts are killed
45:29Magic moments
45:34Memories we've been sharing
45:39I'll never forget the moment we kissed
45:42The night of the hayride
45:44The way that we hug to try to keep warm
45:47While taking a sleigh ride
45:49Magic moments
45:53Memories we've been sharing
45:57Magic moments
46:02When two hearts are cared
46:06Time can't erase
46:11The memory of these magic moments
46:20Must be filled with
46:23Magic moments
46:27Michael
46:29He says
46:30If the light of the hayride
46:33The memory of these magic moments
Recommended
46:39
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