Romesh Can't Knock The Hustle S01E01 (2025)

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00:00:00He ran the London Marathon, he's won multiple BAFTAs, he got voted the 7th sexiest man in the UK

00:00:23Oh my god, thank you every one of you, I appreciate you so much man

00:00:53Thank you, thank you, thank you, I'm delighted to be here man, I'm delighted to be here, any year that I'm on tour is a great year

00:01:00But, to be straight with you, there's been some negatives in the last year, for example, I was recently the target of a right wing hate campaign

00:01:09I don't know if you heard about it, looking around at some of you, you could have been involved

00:01:12But I'll tell you what happened, I got involved in this same mate to a mate campaign

00:01:19It's a campaign encouraging men to call out their friends when they're being horrible to women

00:01:24So if you're out with your mates, thank you

00:01:27So if you're out with your mates and one of your friends puts it on a woman that clearly doesn't want it

00:01:32Or has just been a sexist idiot, just encouraging men to say, mate, I can see what you're doing

00:01:36I don't like it, right, and I think that's an important thing to get involved in

00:01:40I think men need to improve

00:01:41I thought it was a, I thought it was a win-win situation

00:01:46And then Lawrence Fox found out about it, now

00:01:48I don't know Lawrence Fox, I'm sure he's a great bloke

00:01:53I was heartbroken to hear about what happened to him in court recently

00:01:57I'm certainly not the type of person that would turn up at the O2 and start slagging him off

00:02:02I'm not that type of guy

00:02:04But someone else might say, he's a cunt, right?

00:02:13Someone else might say, not only is he a cunt, he's a cunt that got kicked off GB News

00:02:18Imagine being so much of a cunt that a bunch of cunts go

00:02:21This cunt's too much of a cunt to knock about of us cunts

00:02:24Like, I'm a cunt's cunt, but that's a cunt's cunt's cunt right there

00:02:29Like, I don't mind a bit of cunt, but that's too much cunt even for this cunt, to be honest with you

00:02:34Anyway, Lawrence Fox, he didn't like it

00:02:41He didn't like it, he found the clip of me talking about it

00:02:44He put it on his Twitter and he said, this bloke is not a comedian

00:02:47And then all these Lawrence Fox fans started hitting me up

00:02:50I started trending on Twitter

00:02:51I had no idea, I've not been on Twitter for years

00:02:54I think it's poisonous

00:02:54I found out from a friend, a friend of mine texted me

00:02:57He said, Romesh, are you okay?

00:03:00I was like, yeah man, I'm at Latitude Festival

00:03:02It's quite middle class, but I'm surviving

00:03:04He said to me, no, you're trending on Twitter

00:03:07Everybody hates you

00:03:08It's a nice text to receive from a mate, it really is

00:03:11Anyway, I looked and he was right

00:03:14There's all these Lawrence Fox fans having a go at me

00:03:15And it turns out, I didn't know this

00:03:17A lot of Lawrence Fox fans are racist

00:03:19I had no idea

00:03:20Now listen

00:03:22I know there's a lot of white people in the room, okay?

00:03:26I don't want you to think that

00:03:26Don't whoop yourselves

00:03:27What a weird, what a fucking weird thing to do

00:03:30White power, yes, Romesh

00:03:33Fucking love being white

00:03:36Fuck you

00:03:39Listen, I'm not saying

00:03:47I don't want you to think that a brown bloke has come on stage

00:03:49And is saying that you're all racist, okay?

00:03:51I'm not saying that

00:03:52I know it's only about half of you

00:03:53So, so

00:03:54So, calm down, right?

00:03:56But these Lawrence Fox fans

00:03:58They're all having a go at me

00:03:59They're all like proper old school racists

00:04:00Do you know what I mean?

00:04:01They've all got like

00:04:01Knight of the Templar in their profile

00:04:04In their picture

00:04:05They're all riding a dragon

00:04:06Carrying a shield

00:04:07All their descriptions say

00:04:09Love my king, my country

00:04:10And Rob Beckett

00:04:11Do you know what it is?

00:04:15That's his demographic

00:04:16I don't know if you've ever seen him

00:04:17His stuff

00:04:18Why don't they fuck off back to where they came from?

00:04:20I work with one of the only good ones

00:04:23To be honest with you

00:04:24That's sort of his gear

00:04:25Anyway, these Lawrence Fox fans

00:04:29Are having a go at me

00:04:30Having a go at me

00:04:31They're going to me

00:04:31So what?

00:04:32We're not allowed to talk to women anymore, Romesh

00:04:34Is that what you're saying?

00:04:35What if a woman's really fit?

00:04:37What if a woman's really, really fit?

00:04:39It's going to be women walking around

00:04:40Not knowing that they're bangable

00:04:42I think they'll be alright, incel

00:04:45Just relax

00:04:45Keep talking to your mum

00:04:46Alright?

00:04:47But I got

00:04:50London

00:04:50I got some wild racism on Twitter

00:04:52Like proper

00:04:53And not

00:04:53Like proper old school

00:04:55Know your enemy racism

00:04:56Because you can get friendly racism

00:04:58Where they think they're on your side

00:04:59I'll give you an example

00:05:00Morning, Romesh

00:05:02What curry did you have for breakfast today?

00:05:04That is

00:05:04That's an example of

00:05:05That's somebody thinking they're being a mate

00:05:10Now I got proper old school shit

00:05:12I mean I don't care

00:05:12But it was some wild stuff

00:05:14Somebody tweeted me saying

00:05:15Have you got any idea

00:05:16What it's like to be a white person

00:05:18Being told what to do by a brown man like you

00:05:22And I was like

00:05:24No

00:05:24But I could ask my wife

00:05:26Uh oh

00:05:27I'm sure she could give me some intel

00:05:31If she ever fucking listened

00:05:33Am I right?

00:05:34I'm joking

00:05:35I'm joking

00:05:35Still

00:05:35You're still allowed to joke

00:05:37Aren't you?

00:05:37Somebody

00:05:37Somebody tweeted me

00:05:40Saying

00:05:41Your dead grandmother's body

00:05:43Is floating in the Ganges

00:05:44I was like

00:05:48That is fucking specific

00:05:49I actually

00:05:49I actually phoned my mum

00:05:52I said

00:05:52Mum do you know where Nana's body is?

00:05:53Because there's this geezer

00:05:54At Patriot 351

00:05:56He reckons she's got an exact location

00:05:58Could finally give her the funeral

00:05:59She's always wanted

00:06:00You got a dinghy?

00:06:04That's one of the things

00:06:05That happened in the last year

00:06:06One of the other things

00:06:07That happened in the last year

00:06:08Is I lost about three stone

00:06:09Now

00:06:10That is

00:06:11Well

00:06:12That is very sweet of you

00:06:14To make that sort of

00:06:15Indifferent noise

00:06:16But what I would say to you

00:06:17Is if you're sat there

00:06:18Thinking that you want to lose weight

00:06:20And that losing weight

00:06:21Will make you happy

00:06:21It won't

00:06:23Okay

00:06:23I'm just here to tell you

00:06:25It won't

00:06:25You'll find something else to hate

00:06:27Okay

00:06:27I've had body issues my whole life

00:06:31And I was trying to figure out

00:06:33Why that was

00:06:33And look London

00:06:35I'm not saying it's my mum's fault

00:06:37But I'm going to tell you this story

00:06:40You make up your own mind

00:06:41Okay

00:06:42When I was at school

00:06:43My mum used to make for me

00:06:45Every day

00:06:46Eight rounds of sandwiches

00:06:49For break

00:06:51Right

00:06:52For break time

00:06:53And then she'd say to me

00:06:54Did you play with your friends today?

00:06:56I didn't have fucking time

00:06:58Had to work through half a loaf of bread

00:07:04I was going to lesson three

00:07:06With Lockjaw

00:07:07We're talking about

00:07:08Play with your friends

00:07:09The school got in touch with my mum

00:07:11Got in touch about that

00:07:13Your school probably got in touch

00:07:14With your parents

00:07:15About your attendance

00:07:16Your behaviour

00:07:17My school got in touch with my mum

00:07:19To say

00:07:20Do you want to chill out?

00:07:21It's fucking massive

00:07:22It went for a shit the other day

00:07:25It took about nine hours

00:07:26Because he's got so many calves

00:07:27Going through his system

00:07:28I've got three kids

00:07:32If my kids' school

00:07:33Got in touch with us

00:07:34About that

00:07:34I'd be so embarrassed

00:07:35I'd be so embarrassed

00:07:37My mum

00:07:37Was not embarrassed at all

00:07:39Not in the slightest

00:07:40Do you know what she told me?

00:07:42After the school got in touch?

00:07:44She told me to hide

00:07:46When I was eating my sandwiches

00:07:47And that is how I got

00:07:53The nickname

00:07:53Toilet Fatty

00:07:54It's also

00:07:58When I made a discovery

00:07:59Now you're not going to believe me

00:08:00But I promise you

00:08:01This is true

00:08:01Up until that point

00:08:03I had always thought

00:08:04That white people

00:08:06Do white poos

00:08:07Genuinely

00:08:14I grew up in a brown household

00:08:15I had no idea

00:08:16I thought you lot

00:08:16Was smashing out vanilla

00:08:17That's the only truth

00:08:19It was such a moment for me

00:08:24When I was like

00:08:24Oh my god

00:08:24They do chocolate too

00:08:25It is mad

00:08:27Felt like a moment

00:08:28Of racial harmony

00:08:29Like whatever colour skin

00:08:30We've got

00:08:31We all shit the same

00:08:32Is that amazing?

00:08:33Yeah

00:08:33As I said

00:08:36I love doing stand up

00:08:37This is my favourite thing to do

00:08:39But I feel like

00:08:39This might be the only thing

00:08:40I'm doing alright

00:08:41I'm not convinced

00:08:42I'm a great husband

00:08:43I'm not convinced

00:08:44I'm a great father

00:08:45And to be honest

00:08:46I'm not even sure

00:08:47That I've now been happy

00:08:48And that occurred to me

00:08:50Not that long ago

00:08:50I had like a moment of clarity

00:08:52Like an epiphany

00:08:53I guess

00:08:54When I was watching

00:08:55The David Beckham documentary

00:08:56On Netflix

00:08:57Have you seen that documentary?

00:09:00If you haven't seen that documentary

00:09:02And you're hoping for a waltz and all documentary

00:09:04About David Beckham

00:09:05That ain't the one

00:09:06Okay

00:09:07It's made by his production company

00:09:08If you're putting it on

00:09:09Hoping to find out

00:09:10If Rebecca Luce milked him

00:09:11Like she did that pig

00:09:12You will not find out

00:09:14It's a very sugar-coated doc

00:09:17Right

00:09:17But whatever you think of David Beckham

00:09:19That guy smashed it career-wise

00:09:21Right

00:09:21He played for all the top football clubs

00:09:22Absolutely nailed it

00:09:23But there is a mad moment

00:09:25In that documentary

00:09:25Where he's happiest

00:09:27It's the happiest moment

00:09:28Of the documentary

00:09:28He's declaring it

00:09:29He's just stood there going

00:09:30I'm so so happy

00:09:31I'm so so happy

00:09:33I can't believe how happy I am

00:09:35I'm absolutely buzzing

00:09:36I could do this forever

00:09:38I could

00:09:38I'm so so so so happy

00:09:40And he's not playing football

00:09:42He's fucking grilling mushrooms

00:09:43In a shed

00:09:44On his own

00:09:45And not mushrooms

00:09:46One at a time

00:09:47He's doing

00:09:48It must take him ages

00:09:50To do a fry-up

00:09:51Just Victoria going in the kids

00:09:52So your dad's doing a full English

00:09:53He's going to be gone

00:09:54About 12 hours

00:09:55He does each baked

00:09:56Being individually

00:09:57The lunatic

00:09:58If you're like saying to me

00:09:59You know you can do more

00:10:00Than one at a time

00:10:00No I like to

00:10:01Really concentrate on one mushroom

00:10:03Make sure I do that properly

00:10:04Make sure I do it really really well

00:10:06Then I try that mushroom

00:10:07And I think

00:10:07Well done David

00:10:08You grilled that mushroom

00:10:09Really really well mate

00:10:10Then I get a second one

00:10:11And I think

00:10:12I wonder if I can do that

00:10:13As good as the first one

00:10:13Then I pop that in my mouth

00:10:15I think

00:10:15Bloody hell David

00:10:15That was even better than the first one

00:10:17You're smashing this

00:10:18It was wild

00:10:20I thought it was mad

00:10:20I thought what is he doing

00:10:21But then Victoria came in

00:10:23Romeo

00:10:23Monte Carlo

00:10:24Basingstoke

00:10:25And they're all

00:10:26They're all buzzing

00:10:28They're having such a great time

00:10:29I was jealous

00:10:30I was jealous

00:10:31I thought I want to be as happy

00:10:33As David Beckham

00:10:33Is grilling mushrooms

00:10:34I tried it

00:10:36I bought some mushrooms

00:10:37I was just stood in the kitchen

00:10:40Going

00:10:40Why the fuck am I still sad

00:10:42This has done nothing

00:10:43Whatever you think of David Beckham

00:10:48Right

00:10:48That guy

00:10:49He hustled to get to where he is

00:10:50Right

00:10:50He worked his arse off

00:10:52And I've not worked as hard

00:10:53As David Beckham

00:10:54But I've definitely done

00:10:54Harder jobs than this

00:10:55You know

00:10:56I used to be a teacher

00:10:57Are there any teachers in?

00:11:01Teachers

00:11:02Can I just say

00:11:03On behalf of the rest of the crowd

00:11:05Thank you so much

00:11:06For what you do for society

00:11:07It's an incredible job that you do

00:11:08Thank you

00:11:09What an amazing thing to do

00:11:11Genuinely

00:11:12Unless of course you're primary

00:11:15What a piece of piss that

00:11:16Is that

00:11:16You don't even need to know anything do you?

00:11:24I'm joking

00:11:25I'm joking

00:11:25I know you've got to

00:11:26Cut the potatoes into the right shapes

00:11:28To dip into the paint

00:11:29Got to wipe an arse here and there

00:11:31Don't you

00:11:31Sorry I digress

00:11:33This David Beckham documentary

00:11:34If you've watched that documentary

00:11:36You will know

00:11:36That he's being asked questions

00:11:38Throughout that documentary

00:11:39By the director

00:11:40Now that director is an actor

00:11:42Called Fisher Stevens

00:11:43Now I don't know if you know

00:11:44Fisher Stevens

00:11:44He's a great actor

00:11:45Right

00:11:46He was in succession

00:11:47But that's not the reason

00:11:48I mention him

00:11:49The reason I mention him

00:11:50Is he was also in a film

00:11:51That you might remember

00:11:52Called Short Circuit

00:11:53From years ago

00:11:54It's a film about a robot

00:11:56And in that film

00:11:57Fisher Stevens

00:11:59The white man

00:12:00Fisher Stevens

00:12:01Played an Indian man

00:12:02Right

00:12:02Browned up

00:12:04And played an Indian man

00:12:05And when I say Indian

00:12:06I mean proper

00:12:07Fucking Indian

00:12:08All right

00:12:09He's walking around the film

00:12:10Going

00:12:10Oh number Johnny 5

00:12:12Right

00:12:12I have never

00:12:13Forgiven that prick

00:12:14And then I have to watch

00:12:16That man who browned up

00:12:17Say to David Beckham

00:12:18Are you embarrassed

00:12:19About any of your behaviour

00:12:20Are you ashamed

00:12:22About anything you did

00:12:22Are you taking the piss

00:12:23You wobbled your head

00:12:25You wanker

00:12:26And listen

00:12:31Brown people

00:12:32I don't know

00:12:32Are there brown people

00:12:33In the room

00:12:34No holy shit

00:12:36This is more diverse

00:12:37Than I anticipated

00:12:38They will tell you

00:12:40We don't want our parents

00:12:41Accents to be embarrassing

00:12:42Okay

00:12:43We don't want them

00:12:43To be taken the mickey out of

00:12:44And when you grow up

00:12:45As a child of immigration

00:12:46You're used to your parents

00:12:48Accents

00:12:48Because you hear them

00:12:49Every day

00:12:50Until you go away

00:12:51For a little bit

00:12:52When you go away

00:12:53For a little bit

00:12:54And come back

00:12:54They always sound

00:12:55A little bit fresher

00:12:56They always sound

00:12:59A little bit illegal

00:13:00I remember

00:13:00Going on a school trip

00:13:03And my dad said to me

00:13:04Have a nice time my son

00:13:05I said thanks dad

00:13:06I went away for two weeks

00:13:07I came back

00:13:07I swear to you

00:13:08It felt like he got out of the car

00:13:10When I came back

00:13:10And went

00:13:11How was your trip my son

00:13:12I hope it was very very good

00:13:14I got a snake in a basket

00:13:15Or number 25 now

00:13:17I'm going to tell you something

00:13:23I think it's alright for me

00:13:25To do that accent

00:13:26But I think you laughing at it

00:13:28Is racist

00:13:29My dad was

00:13:33Was an absolute legend

00:13:34I was a flawed legend

00:13:35He passed away

00:13:35About a decade ago

00:13:36And he was a man

00:13:38That worked right up

00:13:39Until the day he died

00:13:39He had eight brothers

00:13:40Spread all over the world

00:13:41And when he died

00:13:43They all came over to England

00:13:44To say their last goodbyes

00:13:45To my dad

00:13:46And on the day of his funeral

00:13:47One of my uncles

00:13:49Came to speak to me

00:13:50He wanted to talk to me

00:13:51About something important

00:13:54Now full disclosure

00:13:55London

00:13:55My uncle is a Sri Lankan man

00:13:58Who spent most of his life

00:13:59In Australia

00:13:59Okay

00:14:00So I haven't quite

00:14:01Nailed the accent

00:14:03Alright

00:14:03But this is what

00:14:05He sort of sounded like

00:14:06Alright

00:14:06He came up to me

00:14:08And he said

00:14:09Matt

00:14:13He said

00:14:23Matt

00:14:25There are some songs

00:14:27That I've been listening to

00:14:28That really remind me

00:14:40Of your dad

00:14:41I'm nailing this by the way

00:14:45Just so you know

00:14:46And I was wondering

00:14:48If we could play them

00:14:50At the funeral

00:14:51Now

00:14:51My first thought

00:14:53When my uncle said this

00:14:54Was

00:14:54Does he need his batteries changed

00:14:56Because it sounds like

00:14:57He's slowing down

00:14:59The other thing I thought was

00:15:00I had no idea

00:15:02That Sri Lankan plus Australian

00:15:03Equals South African

00:15:05I had no idea

00:15:06It's an unexpected mix

00:15:08Isn't it

00:15:08Anyway

00:15:09I said to my uncle

00:15:10Let's hear some of these songs

00:15:12And what became clear

00:15:13Is that my uncle

00:15:14Had listened to the choruses

00:15:15Of these songs

00:15:16But none of the verses

00:15:17Right

00:15:17He had

00:15:18Not listened to the songs properly

00:15:19So he put the songs on

00:15:21And honestly

00:15:22The songs would go like this

00:15:23It would go something like

00:15:23I'm really really gonna miss you

00:15:26And then it would go

00:15:28The touch of your body

00:15:31And then it would go

00:15:36I will never forget you

00:15:38And how you backed up on me

00:15:42And then my

00:15:43My uncle stood there

00:15:44Going yeah man

00:15:46Really reminds me of your dad

00:15:49I was like

00:15:53This is wild man

00:15:55What are we gonna do

00:15:56But it's my dad's brother

00:15:57It's my uncle

00:15:58You gotta respect your elders

00:16:00So um

00:16:00We played those songs

00:16:03At my dad's funeral

00:16:03My

00:16:04My dad's funeral

00:16:05Was like a slow jams gig

00:16:07Genuinely

00:16:07Just people stood there

00:16:08Going

00:16:08I feel really really sad

00:16:10But I'm really really horny

00:16:11It's so weird

00:16:13I feel like crying

00:16:14But I also feel like

00:16:15Grinding up on a stranger

00:16:16Do you feel like that

00:16:17I've got tears rolling down my face

00:16:19But I'm fully erect

00:16:20It's so weird

00:16:21I've got a lump in my throat

00:16:24And a lump in my pants

00:16:25It is so

00:16:26Remember my mum crying

00:16:28And the funeral

00:16:28And the priest coming out

00:16:29And going

00:16:29Mrs. Ranganathan

00:16:30I'm so sorry for your loss

00:16:31But

00:16:31You're single now girl

00:16:33Why don't you wind it up on me

00:16:34Dutty priests

00:16:35Come to get dirty on this service

00:16:37Sorry

00:16:42I just love saying

00:16:43Dutty priest

00:16:44My dad

00:16:47As I said

00:16:47My dad was a legend

00:16:48A flawed legend

00:16:48And he was a happy guy

00:16:50I would say

00:16:50That the time that I saw him

00:16:52At his happiest

00:16:53Was when he was with his friends

00:16:54Right

00:16:54That's when he was at his happiest

00:16:55And look

00:16:56I'm not showing off

00:16:57I'm 46 now

00:16:58Right

00:16:59I have got friends

00:17:00But I don't know

00:17:01If anyone else feels like this

00:17:02But this is where I'm at now

00:17:03In my life

00:17:03At 46 years old

00:17:05I have retired

00:17:07From making new friends

00:17:08Okay

00:17:09I don't want any more friends now

00:17:11I know everyone who I'm gonna know

00:17:13Thank you very much

00:17:14I'm done

00:17:15I'm out of the market

00:17:16I don't know if anyone else feels like this

00:17:19It's

00:17:19That's it for me

00:17:20That is it for me

00:17:21And it's incredibly liberating

00:17:23You'll be talking to somebody new

00:17:24They're just telling you about themselves

00:17:25And you think

00:17:26I don't give a fuck how this goes

00:17:28So

00:17:28It's

00:17:28Gonna give a shit

00:17:31Sometimes I try and sabotage it

00:17:32They'll be talking to me

00:17:33I'll just go

00:17:34Boring

00:17:35Or I start

00:17:35Scratching my dick in a really obvious way

00:17:38And I hope they think I'm a weirdo

00:17:39And move away from me

00:17:40Not only do I not want new friends

00:17:42If anything

00:17:43I'm looking at the friends that I do have

00:17:44And I'm thinking

00:17:45This needs fucking thinning out

00:17:47We've all got friends like this

00:17:48A boring bastard

00:17:50Is in the middle of talking to you

00:17:51And you just think

00:17:51Why the fuck

00:17:52Am I still listening to you

00:17:54Mate

00:17:56My friends

00:17:57They talk such shit

00:17:58Some of them

00:17:58One of my friends

00:17:59Still talks about fighting

00:18:01Who'd be at the pub

00:18:03And he'll look at someone

00:18:03And go

00:18:03I reckon I could take him

00:18:04What are you talking about

00:18:07You're a 45 year old

00:18:08IT consultant

00:18:09Where are you going to take him

00:18:11The internet cafe

00:18:12Fucking nerd

00:18:14And look

00:18:16I

00:18:16Look it's not because of people

00:18:18People are great

00:18:19But it's just

00:18:19I have to

00:18:21I have to be prepared

00:18:22To socialise

00:18:23I have to get myself ready

00:18:24Do you know what I mean

00:18:25And that's why

00:18:26I think this should be made a law

00:18:28Genuinely

00:18:29Okay

00:18:29If you are out and about

00:18:32And you bump into someone

00:18:34You know

00:18:35By accident

00:18:37It should be illegal

00:18:39For them to talk to you

00:18:40We didn't arrange this

00:18:47This is an unhappy accident

00:18:49Get the fuck away from me

00:18:51Okay

00:18:51I don't care if you're my mum

00:18:53Alright

00:18:53Text me later

00:18:54The worst

00:18:55Is when you see someone

00:18:57At a supermarket

00:18:57Because you know

00:18:58You're going to see this prick

00:18:59Another four times

00:19:00As you go round

00:19:01You'll come up with

00:19:02Supermarket banter

00:19:03It's like

00:19:04Sweet corn

00:19:04That'll go straight through

00:19:05Yeah

00:19:05Well they start analysing

00:19:12Your shopping

00:19:12Why you got so many mushrooms

00:19:13For an experiment

00:19:14Your nosy prick

00:19:15I think we should be

00:19:18Harsher on our boring friends

00:19:19Do you know what I mean

00:19:19I think we should just

00:19:20Let them know

00:19:20You were at the pub

00:19:22One of your friends

00:19:22Is banging on

00:19:23You just go

00:19:23Dan

00:19:23Booked you a taxi home

00:19:24Why?

00:19:30I'm not drunk

00:19:30No

00:19:31But your last two stories

00:19:32Have been dog shit

00:19:32Okay

00:19:33Just go

00:19:33Read a book

00:19:34Or watch a film

00:19:35You dull fuck

00:19:36I would never do that

00:19:41London

00:19:41To be honest with you

00:19:42I wouldn't do that

00:19:43And I'll tell you why

00:19:45One good reason

00:19:45I'm two-faced

00:19:47I am one of the most

00:19:50Two-faced people

00:19:51In the country

00:19:51Any two-faced people in?

00:19:54Yeah

00:19:55Only a few of you though

00:19:56Because it's not the done thing

00:19:57To be two-faced

00:19:58You're not supposed to be

00:19:59Let me tell you something

00:20:00London

00:20:00I think it's polite

00:20:01You know who I don't understand?

00:20:04People who say things like

00:20:04If I've got a problem with someone

00:20:06I'll tell them to their face

00:20:08Why?

00:20:11Do you like spreading misery?

00:20:13Who the fuck are you?

00:20:15To go around telling people

00:20:16What you think of them

00:20:16You're fucking narcissists

00:20:18I follow the great British tradition

00:20:20Of pretending something

00:20:21Doesn't annoy you

00:20:21Then cunting them off

00:20:23Behind their backs

00:20:24It's what this country

00:20:27Was founded on

00:20:28It's why my parents moved here

00:20:29I think it's the second verse

00:20:30Of the national anthem

00:20:31I don't know

00:20:31I've never listened

00:20:32This is the point

00:20:34I'm trying to make

00:20:35People are annoying

00:20:35Aren't they?

00:20:36You have to vent

00:20:37But don't tell them

00:20:38It's rude

00:20:39Tell someone else

00:20:40Tell me this

00:20:43Is there anything more bonding

00:20:44Between two people

00:20:46Than discovering you both

00:20:51Hate the same thing

00:20:52About a third person

00:20:53It's energising

00:20:56Feels like a barocca

00:20:57You go

00:20:59He's a bit annoying

00:21:00Isn't he?

00:21:00Yes he is

00:21:00My brother

00:21:01Let's slit our wrists

00:21:03And make this a blood bond

00:21:04Yes

00:21:04All my friends are annoying

00:21:07We all slag each other off

00:21:08You have to

00:21:09It's survival

00:21:10I've got a group of six friends

00:21:12We've got five WhatsApp groups

00:21:13Each removing one of them

00:21:14Has to be done

00:21:20I don't think there's one for me

00:21:22But look London

00:21:28You've heard me talk for a while now

00:21:29And you know

00:21:30I've got issues

00:21:32I'm not a perfect person

00:21:34I'm sure my friends

00:21:35Are slagging me off

00:21:35But here's the difference

00:21:36I don't care

00:21:37I do not care

00:21:39Their opinion of me

00:21:40Is none of my business

00:21:41I'm going to tell you this now

00:21:42I'm 46 years old

00:21:44I'm out of the self-improvement game

00:21:45You know when people go

00:21:47I'm constantly trying to better myself

00:21:48I'm not

00:21:49I've retired

00:21:51I'm done

00:21:52This is how I'm going to die

00:21:53If you notice any improvement

00:21:55At this stage

00:21:55It's dementia

00:21:56Well it is

00:21:57It's not deliberate

00:21:59I don't give a shit

00:21:59I'm done giving a shit

00:22:01About stuff I don't need to give a shit about

00:22:03My problems are no longer my problems

00:22:05They're your problems

00:22:06Okay

00:22:07And I no longer give a shit

00:22:09It's like you know

00:22:09When you go get your hair cut

00:22:10And the guy gets the mirror

00:22:12To show you the back of your head

00:22:13Couldn't give a fuck mate

00:22:15I am never going to see that again

00:22:17I feel I'm the sort of wanker

00:22:21At home

00:22:21Getting at our second

00:22:22I wonder what the back looks like

00:22:23I'm never going to see it

00:22:24I don't give a shit

00:22:25I only care about the front

00:22:26That's not my problem

00:22:27That's the problem

00:22:29For people walking behind me

00:22:30Okay

00:22:30If they do me a favour

00:22:31Shave not my problem

00:22:32In the back

00:22:33That would really help me out

00:22:34I try and be cool

00:22:37For a 46 year old

00:22:38Do you know what I mean

00:22:39Because I've got three sons

00:22:40Who are very very cool

00:22:41I don't want them to think

00:22:42I'm out of touch

00:22:42My oldest son for example

00:22:4414 nearly 15

00:22:45My height

00:22:46Tonk

00:22:47It's very difficult

00:22:49To discipline somebody

00:22:50Knowing that

00:22:52If it really came down to it

00:22:53He could probably spark you out

00:22:56Do you know what I mean

00:22:57The only thing I concern myself with

00:23:00Is knowing if it did come down to it

00:23:01I would tool up

00:23:02Do you know what I mean

00:23:03And I'd fight so dirty

00:23:04I'd bite his cheeks

00:23:05And gouge his eyeballs

00:23:06Try and silverback me mate

00:23:08Anyway I love that kid

00:23:12I absolutely love that kid

00:23:13Right

00:23:13He's really into hip hop

00:23:15I'm really into hip hop

00:23:16Right

00:23:16But he's young

00:23:17So he listens to all this new shit

00:23:18And I listen to whatever I listen to

00:23:19There is almost no overlap

00:23:21Between what we listen to

00:23:22Right

00:23:23It's the same genre

00:23:24I do not understand

00:23:25What he's listening to

00:23:25And every now and again

00:23:27We'll have a little exchange

00:23:28Where we play each other stuff

00:23:29That we like

00:23:29It's mad

00:23:30I don't get his music

00:23:31He'll say to me

00:23:32Dad check this out

00:23:32This is a proper banger

00:23:33Put it on

00:23:34Someone a son

00:23:35Someone a what

00:23:37Someone a son

00:23:39That's how we do

00:23:41Someone a son

00:23:43Someone a what

00:23:45Someone a son

00:23:46Aston Martin

00:23:48What the fuck was that

00:23:50You got me

00:23:52It's called Aston Martin

00:23:52I go yeah

00:23:53I know that's the only word

00:23:54I could understand

00:23:54In the whole goddamn song

00:23:55Then he goes

00:23:57Do you want to hear another one

00:23:58I go yeah okay

00:23:58He goes

00:23:58This is called holiday

00:23:59Someone a son

00:24:01And a

00:24:01Someone a what

00:24:03Someone a son

00:24:04And a holiday

00:24:05I'm like okay

00:24:06I get it

00:24:06I think I get it

00:24:07And then he'll go to me

00:24:10Oh let's hear one of your songs

00:24:11Old man

00:24:11And I play something I like

00:24:13Something classic

00:24:13Like Wu-Tang

00:24:14Tribe Called Quest

00:24:15Something like that

00:24:16You put that in front of a young person

00:24:18It sounds shit

00:24:20It sounds so basic

00:24:22I put it on and go

00:24:23Check this out

00:24:23This is a classic

00:24:24I went to the shop today

00:24:26Guess what I saw

00:24:28A man behind the counter

00:24:30Was wearing black pink drawers

00:24:32I said to him

00:24:33Would you like to have a dance

00:24:35And he said

00:24:36Sure I would

00:24:37If I got the chance

00:24:39I'm just like oh my god

00:24:40This sounds like CBeebies

00:24:43Or some shit

00:24:44Just waiting for him to go

00:24:46And then we went to go

00:24:47See Eagle Pickle

00:24:48He has got me into some stuff though

00:24:53To be honest with you

00:24:54He's got me into some new artists

00:24:55Like for example

00:24:56He got me into Jay Huss

00:24:57I don't know if you know Jay Huss

00:24:59What an incredible artist man

00:25:01I love Jay Huss

00:25:01And my son got me into him

00:25:02I don't think it's for me

00:25:04And I don't mean I don't like it

00:25:06I love it

00:25:06What I mean is

00:25:07It's not for a 46 year old father of three

00:25:09He didn't make that music for me

00:25:10And sometimes

00:25:11I sort of feel like

00:25:13Am I supposed to be listening to this

00:25:14You know

00:25:15I don't know how comfortable I feel

00:25:16Like for example

00:25:17He did a song last year

00:25:19Called Who Told You

00:25:20Right

00:25:20It's probably one of my favourite songs

00:25:21Of last year

00:25:22But as a 46 year old

00:25:24I don't know how I feel

00:25:25About listening to it man

00:25:26There's a lyric on that song

00:25:27That goes

00:25:28You got a fat pum pum

00:25:31I got a long Johnson

00:25:32Now I've not got an issue

00:25:42With the lyric

00:25:42And I've certainly not got an issue

00:25:43With fat pum pums

00:25:44Right

00:25:44I'm not pum pum shaming

00:25:46Like whatever pum pum

00:25:47You've got

00:25:48Whether it's a skinny pum pum

00:25:49Or a fat pum pum

00:25:50Can I just take this opportunity

00:25:51To say

00:25:51If you're in this room

00:25:52And you've got a pum pum

00:25:53Big up your pum pum

00:25:54All right

00:25:54You should be proud of your pum pums

00:25:56I've been a massive pum pum

00:25:58Not a massive pum pum

00:25:59I've been a massive fan of pum pums

00:26:01For a long long time

00:26:02Okay

00:26:02I'm a big pum pum supporter

00:26:04Similarly

00:26:05I don't have an issue with Johnson

00:26:08The Johnson lyric either

00:26:09You know

00:26:09He said

00:26:09I've got a long Johnson

00:26:10Whatever Johnson you got

00:26:11Be proud

00:26:11Even if the lyric was

00:26:12I've got a short stumpy Johnson

00:26:14I would still celebrate that

00:26:15Because as we all know

00:26:16It's not the wand

00:26:17It's the magician

00:26:17I've got no issue with that

00:26:19My issue is this

00:26:22Jay Huss

00:26:23Jay Huss is a man in his 20s

00:26:25With a Johnson of a similar age

00:26:26He's talking to a woman in her 20s

00:26:29With a pum pum

00:26:30Of a similar age

00:26:30I'm 46

00:26:32I just feel like a nuns

00:26:35Yes

00:26:36Just listen to it going

00:26:38Yeah

00:26:38So you've got a long Johnson

00:26:40Have you Jay Huss

00:26:41And if you've found someone

00:26:43With a fat pum pum

00:26:44What do you think

00:26:46You're going to do

00:26:47With your Johnson

00:26:47Jay Huss

00:26:48Oh I love pum pums

00:26:51Jay Huss

00:26:52Tell me more about your Johnson

00:26:54And that pum pum

00:26:55I decided I didn't want to socialise

00:27:02With other people

00:27:03I think

00:27:04Listen

00:27:04I think one of the reasons

00:27:05That socialising is so difficult

00:27:06Is because I'm a bloke

00:27:07I hang out with blokes

00:27:07And men

00:27:08They tend to talk about

00:27:09The same four or five things

00:27:10Over and over again

00:27:12Do you know what I mean

00:27:12For example

00:27:13Football

00:27:14Is conversational lube

00:27:16For men

00:27:17Right

00:27:17And I'm going to tell you this now

00:27:19London

00:27:19I'm a football fan

00:27:20But I think it's pathetic

00:27:21Okay

00:27:22I'm a massive football fan

00:27:23But I think it's tragic

00:27:24Right

00:27:25I'm an Arsenal fan

00:27:26Right

00:27:26And

00:27:29The reason I think it's tragic

00:27:31Is as soon as you say that out loud

00:27:33Twats boo

00:27:34Right

00:27:34And I just say

00:27:35Get a life

00:27:37You sad

00:27:38Sad bastards

00:27:39Boo

00:27:40That was what

00:27:41Different time to me

00:27:42By chance

00:27:42Boo

00:27:43Like women

00:27:45Watch football

00:27:45They've got some sort of perspective

00:27:47Men are so desperate

00:27:47Aren't they like

00:27:48You have to

00:27:49You have to win

00:27:50You have to win

00:27:52For my happiness

00:27:53Grow up

00:27:56It's like

00:27:58Men get so wound up

00:28:00And the thing is

00:28:01Men are

00:28:01We're emotionally repressed

00:28:02Right

00:28:02You get to shout at the football

00:28:04But I think we want to shout

00:28:05About other things

00:28:06But football allows you to shout

00:28:07I sometimes wonder

00:28:09What they actually want to shout

00:28:10Like when they shout

00:28:10Defend

00:28:11Defend

00:28:11What they actually want to shout is

00:28:13I'm not sure if my wife loves me

00:28:15Sometimes I watch children playing

00:28:18And I'm jealous of how happy they are

00:28:19Come on you gunners

00:28:21I was trying to figure out

00:28:26Why you get so angry at the football

00:28:27Right

00:28:27And it occurred to me

00:28:28That when you go and watch your team play football

00:28:31When they concede a goal

00:28:33It feels like the most devastating thing

00:28:36That could ever possibly happen

00:28:38Right

00:28:38And at the exact same moment that happens

00:28:41You have to watch a group of people

00:28:43Celebrate that

00:28:44Like it's the best thing in the world

00:28:46No wonder you get annoyed

00:28:47Can you imagine that

00:28:48In any other situation

00:28:49Right

00:28:50You're at a restaurant with your other half

00:28:52She splits up with you

00:28:54Next table celebrates

00:28:56Right

00:28:56I think she's going to do it

00:28:58I think she's going to

00:28:59Fucking get in

00:29:00She's done it

00:29:01You're on your own

00:29:02You're on

00:29:03Wanker

00:29:03Gonna die alone

00:29:06You wanker

00:29:07Shag in your brother

00:29:08He's crying

00:29:10They've got kids as well

00:29:11You wanker

00:29:12You're never going to be happy

00:29:14You fucking tosser

00:29:15Fuck you

00:29:16I wish it affected me less

00:29:27I wish football affected me less

00:29:29Man

00:29:29I was watching Arsenal-Liverpool last season

00:29:31At home

00:29:32With my wife and children

00:29:33Right

00:29:33At home

00:29:34We're watching the game

00:29:36Late on in the game

00:29:36We got a penalty

00:29:37Right

00:29:37Bukayo Saka stepped up to take the penalty

00:29:40This is how pathetic I am

00:29:41Okay

00:29:41Bukayo Saka stepped up to take the penalty

00:29:44He scored the penalty

00:29:45As he scored it

00:29:46I dropped to my knees

00:29:48And let out a scream of such joy

00:29:52From the bottom of my heart

00:29:53And my wife looked at me

00:29:55With such disgust

00:29:57In her eyes

00:29:58And said to me

00:29:59Where the fuck

00:30:00Was this level of emotion

00:30:01On our wedding day

00:30:02You were the birth of all three of your children

00:30:06My children are just as bad by the way

00:30:07One of my kids

00:30:09When Saka scored that penalty

00:30:10Stripped off butt naked

00:30:12And ran round the living room

00:30:15Windmill-ing

00:30:15And my wife said to me

00:30:18Are you going to do something about this

00:30:20I said

00:30:20It's very difficult

00:30:21To stop a child windmill-ing

00:30:22When you are also windmill-ing

00:30:26Do you know what I mean?

00:30:30We actually managed to synchronise

00:30:31I was like

00:30:31Slow down, slow down, slow down

00:30:32There's a lot of comedians

00:30:43That are saying

00:30:44That you can't say

00:30:45What you want anymore

00:30:46Because audiences

00:30:46Are getting more easily offended

00:30:48But I want you to think

00:30:49About what just happened

00:30:50Right

00:30:51I just mimed

00:30:52Me and my son

00:30:53Swinging our dicks

00:30:55In my wife's face

00:30:56And we all had a great time

00:30:58So I think it might be bullshit

00:30:59Actually

00:31:00There's some things

00:31:07That I complain about

00:31:08London

00:31:08That I am actually guilty of

00:31:10Right

00:31:10And

00:31:11For example

00:31:12If you're an adult

00:31:15And you wear a football shirt

00:31:17Out and about

00:31:18Have a fucking look at yourself

00:31:22What are you doing?

00:31:25You look delusional

00:31:26What are you doing?

00:31:27You're playing dress up

00:31:28You're in costume

00:31:29You're some sort of adult baby

00:31:31Just

00:31:32I'm in Arsenal

00:31:33I play for Arsenal

00:31:36I look like I play for Arsenal

00:31:37I'm one of the Arsenal boys

00:31:40I look like I play for the Gunners

00:31:42I'm one of the Gunners

00:31:43I look like I play for Arsenal

00:31:44Do you look like I play for Arsenal?

00:31:46I play for

00:31:46I'm Bukayo Saka

00:31:47You're a 56 year old white man

00:31:51Nobody thinks you're Bukayo Saka

00:31:52Plus he doesn't play in a 4XL

00:31:55Just relax

00:31:56I do think

00:32:05Men of my generation

00:32:07Have got some work to do

00:32:08When it comes to being friends

00:32:09With each other

00:32:09I think younger men

00:32:10Are very good at being friends

00:32:11With each other

00:32:11I think men of my age

00:32:13Sort of mid 40s

00:32:14We struggle a bit

00:32:15Emotions wise

00:32:16And I'll give you an example

00:32:17Of what I mean

00:32:17A while ago

00:32:19I did a podcast

00:32:21Called Diary of a CEO

00:32:22I don't know if you know this podcast

00:32:23Stephen Bartlett podcast

00:32:24And

00:32:25Basically what happens

00:32:27Is he sits you down

00:32:28Talks to you about your life

00:32:29And then tries to give you some fuel

00:32:30That is basically

00:32:32What the podcast is

00:32:33Just try it

00:32:35Right

00:32:35Anyway on that podcast

00:32:39I admitted for the first time publicly

00:32:41That there have been times in my life

00:32:43Where I genuinely thought about taking my own life

00:32:46I came close on a couple of occasions

00:32:47Spoiler alert

00:32:48I didn't do it

00:32:49But I did

00:32:50I did come close

00:32:51And I talked about it

00:32:52Because I think mental health matters

00:32:53And it's good to talk about these things

00:32:55Right

00:32:55It was about 5% of you

00:33:02But that's cool

00:33:03Thanks for your support

00:33:04Anyway

00:33:06I talked about it

00:33:07I finished the podcast

00:33:08And I think I took like

00:33:10One bottle of salted caramel

00:33:11And a chocolate

00:33:12Right

00:33:12And I just went on my way

00:33:13Now my friends didn't know

00:33:16I'd gone through this

00:33:16One of my friends listened to the podcast

00:33:18And he wanted to talk to me about it

00:33:19The next time I saw him

00:33:20And I think

00:33:21What he wanted to say

00:33:23Was

00:33:24Romesh

00:33:25I heard the podcast

00:33:27I'm so sorry that you went through that trauma

00:33:29I can only hope

00:33:31If you ever go through something like that again

00:33:34You'd find it in your heart

00:33:35To reach out to me

00:33:36And talk to me

00:33:37One of your very

00:33:38Very best friends

00:33:39I love you Romesh

00:33:40I think that's what he wanted to say

00:33:43But that's not what he said

00:33:45What he said was

00:33:47Romesh

00:33:47I heard the podcast

00:33:48If you ever do something like that

00:33:50I'll smash your fucking face in

00:33:52Right

00:33:52Which is

00:33:52Which is a nice sentiment

00:33:55But I don't know how you carry that out

00:33:56Just at my funeral

00:33:57Open up the coffin

00:33:57And go

00:33:58I fucking told you

00:33:58Dickhead

00:34:00Are you whooping my funeral?

00:34:07What an incredible time to scream

00:34:09Romesh is dead

00:34:11Yes

00:34:12Just fucking about

00:34:16I do think

00:34:18One of the reasons

00:34:19That socialising is difficult

00:34:21Genuinely

00:34:22Is because life is hard

00:34:23Life is just hard

00:34:24It's getting harder

00:34:25And then you have to

00:34:26Break away from that

00:34:27And socialise

00:34:28And we are in a situation

00:34:29And I'm particularly talking

00:34:30To the younger generation

00:34:31Where living your life

00:34:32Is no longer enough

00:34:33Okay

00:34:33It's not just about living your life

00:34:35You've got to smash your life

00:34:36Right

00:34:37There's all these podcasts

00:34:38Coming out called

00:34:39How to

00:34:39How to smash your day

00:34:41How to fuck your day in the bar

00:34:43How to

00:34:44Open your day's mouth

00:34:46And shit in it

00:34:47How to

00:34:47Fuck your day to a powder

00:34:50It's all this stuff

00:34:51This mad shit

00:34:52Let me tell you something London

00:34:53Okay

00:34:54If you wake up in the morning

00:34:55You have a decent breakfast

00:34:57Alright

00:34:57Go to work

00:34:58Have a nice lunch

00:34:59Come home

00:35:00Hang out with your family

00:35:02Watch a bit of TV

00:35:03Go to bed

00:35:04You have smashed that day

00:35:06Okay

00:35:06That day is smashed

00:35:08Alright

00:35:08But that's not good enough

00:35:10For these guys

00:35:11I don't know if you've heard

00:35:11These guys

00:35:12They go

00:35:12You know what you've got to do

00:35:13You've got to get up at 5am

00:35:14Get up at 5am

00:35:15Get up at 5am

00:35:16Get up at 5am

00:35:17You know who doesn't get up at 5am

00:35:18Pussies who don't want it enough

00:35:19Get up at 5am

00:35:21Write down what you want to do

00:35:22With that day

00:35:22Don't make it easy

00:35:23Write down proper objectives

00:35:24Become prime minister

00:35:25Write it down

00:35:26Become an astronaut

00:35:28Write it down

00:35:29Get it down

00:35:29Look at your list

00:35:31And you go out for a run

00:35:315.15 after you've made your list

00:35:33You go out for a three hour run

00:35:34Repeat your objectives

00:35:35Prime minister

00:35:36Astronaut

00:35:36Prime minister

00:35:37Astronaut

00:35:38Prime minister

00:35:38Astronaut

00:35:38Three hours

00:35:39Get it done

00:35:40You know who doesn't do that

00:35:40Pussies who don't want it enough

00:35:42Come home

00:35:45After 3 hours

00:35:46Eat 25 eggs

00:35:48Wake the fuck up

00:35:49Get some eggs down your neck

00:35:51You need to eat protein

00:35:52You're a lion

00:35:53That's trying to become prime minister

00:35:54Or an astronaut

00:35:55You know who doesn't eat 25 eggs

00:35:57Pussies who don't want it enough

00:35:58Get that protein down your neck

00:36:01Then look in the mirror

00:36:03Look at yourself

00:36:04Tell yourself

00:36:04I'm a fucking boss

00:36:05I'm a boss

00:36:06I'm a boss

00:36:07Bitch

00:36:07Hardcore

00:36:08Motherfucker

00:36:08Boss

00:36:09Who's going to become

00:36:10Either a prime minister

00:36:11Or an astronaut

00:36:11Depending on how today pans out

00:36:12Do that for two hours

00:36:15Straight

00:36:15Then take a shit

00:36:18You haven't had time

00:36:20To take a shit yet

00:36:21You've been busy

00:36:21Trying to become prime minister

00:36:22Some people take a shit

00:36:24When they first wake up

00:36:24You know who does that

00:36:25Pussies

00:36:25You don't want it enough

00:36:26I've never taken a shit

00:36:28Less than seven hours

00:36:29After I've woken up

00:36:30In the morning

00:36:30Truth is

00:36:32You probably won't be able to take a shit

00:36:34Because of all the eggs

00:36:34They really do block you up

00:36:36But just try and push it

00:36:37If you can

00:36:38Then go and see your children

00:36:41If your children recognise you

00:36:42You ain't working hard enough

00:36:44Piss off

00:36:48Listen

00:36:49We're constantly being told

00:36:50To work as hard as we possibly can

00:36:52That's what we're being drilled into us

00:36:53Work as hard as you possibly can

00:36:55This is my message to you

00:36:56If you are lucky enough

00:36:58To be doing a job you love

00:37:00If you are lucky enough

00:37:01To be doing the job of your dreams

00:37:03Then sure

00:37:04Work as hard as you possibly can

00:37:06Okay

00:37:06But if you're not

00:37:08Work as little as you can fucking get away with

00:37:15That's the true hustle

00:37:20I worked in Sainsbury's for six years

00:37:22Had some of the best years of my life

00:37:24When I discovered six months in

00:37:25If you walk around the supermarket

00:37:27With a tin in your hand

00:37:28And a little bit of purpose

00:37:28Nobody fucking bothers you

00:37:30I used to work on trolleys

00:37:33Ten minutes before my shift

00:37:34I'd get a trolley

00:37:35I'd throw it in the park

00:37:36Then I'd say to my manager

00:37:37Customer reported

00:37:38They saw a trolley in the park

00:37:39She'd go to me

00:37:40Can you go find it?

00:37:41I'd go

00:37:41I'd try

00:37:42I just walked around the park

00:37:43Five, six hours

00:37:44Had a great time

00:37:45I'd come back

00:37:46Just before the end of my shift

00:37:47I'd go

00:37:47I found the trolley

00:37:48She'd go

00:37:48Oh my god

00:37:49Romesh

00:37:49Thank you so much

00:37:50Can you smell weed?

00:37:52No

00:37:53See you later

00:37:53How do you think that happened?

00:38:03The point I'm trying to make is this

00:38:04Most people

00:38:05Are not doing the job of their dreams

00:38:06Most people

00:38:07Are just

00:38:08Trying to make enough money

00:38:09To get by

00:38:10Okay

00:38:10To do the things that you want to do

00:38:12And we need to be mindful of that

00:38:13Alright

00:38:13For example

00:38:14If you've ever complained in a McDonald's

00:38:17Have a fucking look at yourself

00:38:19That person doesn't want to be there

00:38:23They're just working there

00:38:24To make ends meet

00:38:25Or they're working there

00:38:26Because I know that McDonald's

00:38:27Don't drug test

00:38:28Right

00:38:28Either way

00:38:29Just be understanding

00:38:31Okay

00:38:31And I'm a hypocrite

00:38:33I'm guilty of it

00:38:34Okay

00:38:34I'm a hypocrite

00:38:34I've got three boys

00:38:36They're addicted

00:38:37To McDonald's chicken nuggets

00:38:38Right

00:38:38And when I say addicted

00:38:40I mean addicted

00:38:41Right

00:38:41I mean like

00:38:42Dad

00:38:43Can I have a word please

00:38:43Is it cold in it

00:38:47I feel cold

00:38:47And I feel hot

00:38:48And I feel cold

00:38:48It's so weird

00:38:49My skin's itching man

00:38:51Like dad please

00:38:51Can I have some nuggets

00:38:52Please dad

00:38:53I'm begging

00:38:53I just want some chicken nuggets

00:38:55Dad

00:38:56I swear to god

00:38:56I just want some chicken nuggets

00:38:57I'm needing man

00:38:58My tongue feels so big in my mouth

00:39:00Please

00:39:02I know you told me to do my homework

00:39:07You want me to do my French homework

00:39:09I tried to do it

00:39:10But all I could think of was

00:39:11Je voudrais un nugget

00:39:12Just please dad

00:39:13Please

00:39:14Just

00:39:15I know you say we have too many

00:39:16Just get me a box

00:39:17And I'll smell them

00:39:18I'll just sniff them

00:39:18Or just get me one nugget

00:39:20And crush it up

00:39:21I'll do a line of it

00:39:22Just please dad

00:39:22I had a dream last night

00:39:25Do you want to know what the dream was

00:39:26This nipple did sweet and sour

00:39:28This nipple did barbecue

00:39:29The sauce is dripping down my body

00:39:31I was putting the nugget in my belly button's head

00:39:33Now

00:39:38I think McDonald's is kind of poisonous

00:39:40So they're only allowed it once every two weeks

00:39:41Right

00:39:42A couple of weeks ago

00:39:43It was nugget time

00:39:45Right

00:39:45I couldn't be asked to go get it

00:39:47So I just looked on my phone

00:39:48Uber Eats

00:39:48Two pounds extra

00:39:49They bring it to your house

00:39:50Yes please

00:39:51Click

00:39:51Fifteen minutes later

00:39:53The guy turns up on my door

00:39:55I say door

00:39:55Gate

00:39:56Right

00:39:57I'm joking

00:39:59I'm joking

00:39:59It's a joke

00:40:00It's a joke

00:40:01It's a joke

00:40:01Anyway

00:40:01He comes up past the fountain

00:40:03And then

00:40:04And he

00:40:06He gives me the bag

00:40:08Now I've made this order

00:40:09Hundreds of times

00:40:10I know the order's wrong

00:40:11The weight's off

00:40:12Right

00:40:12I said to him

00:40:14This order's wrong mate

00:40:14Right

00:40:15He says to me

00:40:16How do you know

00:40:16I held the bag up to the light

00:40:17It was Burger King

00:40:19I said to him

00:40:21This is Burger King mate

00:40:22You know what he did

00:40:22He went

00:40:23Oh shit

00:40:23Grabbed the bag

00:40:25Jumped on his bike

00:40:25Disappeared into the night

00:40:27I had no idea what was going on

00:40:28Felt like a victim

00:40:29Of the weirdest mugging of all time

00:40:30I went into my house

00:40:33The kids are waiting by the door

00:40:34Right

00:40:34They're expecting nuggets

00:40:36All they got was their dad

00:40:37They're furious

00:40:37One of the kids said to me

00:40:39Dad

00:40:39Can I have a word please

00:40:40Old man

00:40:43If you come in this house

00:40:45One more time

00:40:46And you don't have nuggets

00:40:48I will shank you

00:40:50Do you understand

00:40:50I'll wet you up

00:40:51Get my food

00:40:54Five minutes later

00:40:56I get a phone call

00:40:56From the Uber Eats guy

00:40:57I said I've got some bad news

00:40:58I said what is it

00:40:59He said the family

00:41:00Now gave you a McDonald's to

00:41:01Have started eating it

00:41:02I said why

00:41:04He said they didn't realise

00:41:05Then he said

00:41:08What should we do now

00:41:09I said I don't think

00:41:10This is a wee situation

00:41:11I think I ordered McDonald's

00:41:13And you brought me Burger King

00:41:14And now apparently

00:41:15We're in the Crystal Maze

00:41:16Together trying to solve

00:41:16This as a team

00:41:17I said to him

00:41:22You need to come up

00:41:23With a solution

00:41:24He said do you like Burger King

00:41:25I said think harder

00:41:26That's not the solution

00:41:28You're looking for

00:41:28Anyway eventually

00:41:32He refunded the money

00:41:34Canceled the order

00:41:35I'll go to McDonald's myself

00:41:36Like a fucking member

00:41:37Of the public

00:41:37But that's not the point

00:41:38Of the story

00:41:39The point of the story

00:41:40Is this right

00:41:41Those guys

00:41:42Don't get paid

00:41:43Anywhere near enough money

00:41:44Right

00:41:44It's disgusting

00:41:45How little they get paid

00:41:46And I know that

00:41:47I'm aware of that

00:41:48But when that guy

00:41:50Got my order wrong

00:41:51I wanted him dead

00:41:54I wanted him fucking dead

00:41:57I wanted to get his head

00:41:58And put it on the fountain

00:41:59As a warning

00:42:00To other drivers

00:42:01Not to disrespect my family

00:42:03I was phoning my mates

00:42:04And going there's a guy

00:42:05On a moped

00:42:06With a bag of Burger King

00:42:06You need to fuck him up

00:42:07Do him now

00:42:08I was looking for other apps

00:42:09Uber Beats

00:42:10Murderoo

00:42:11This guy needs to get dealt with

00:42:12What am I doing

00:42:16The guy's just doing

00:42:17What he has to do

00:42:18He's hustling

00:42:18He's doing a hard job

00:42:20He's doing what he can

00:42:21To get by

00:42:21Now

00:42:24You're a nice crowd

00:42:25A very nice crowd

00:42:26So we need to acknowledge

00:42:27The elephant in the room

00:42:28And that is this

00:42:29There are some of you

00:42:29That are sat there

00:42:30Thinking Romesh

00:42:31You're a hypocrite

00:42:32You're telling people

00:42:34To work less

00:42:34You did 200 TV shows

00:42:36Last year

00:42:37And that's fair

00:42:38I'll be honest with you

00:42:39I'm sick of me too

00:42:41Okay

00:42:41I walked past the mirror

00:42:43The other day

00:42:43I tried to change

00:42:44The fucking channel

00:42:44But this is the difference

00:42:48London

00:42:48Right

00:42:49I work a lot

00:42:50I don't work hard

00:42:51This job is not hard

00:42:55Coming out and going

00:42:56Lawrence Fox is a cunt

00:42:57That's not a hard job

00:42:58I've done hard jobs

00:43:00I worked in KFC

00:43:01For six years

00:43:02As a vegetarian

00:43:03Okay

00:43:04You've got no idea

00:43:05Of my struggle

00:43:06And now

00:43:08They'll say to me

00:43:08Oh Romesh

00:43:09Do you want to get paid

00:43:10To go on Saturday Kitchen

00:43:11And eat a sticky toffee pudding

00:43:12Uh yeah

00:43:13Why would I say no to that

00:43:16And do I deserve it

00:43:17No

00:43:18I know I'm lucky

00:43:19Am I the best possible person

00:43:20To host the weakest link

00:43:21Probably not

00:43:22Am I going to keep doing it

00:43:24Yeah

00:43:24I'll be honest with you

00:43:27The only reason they really hired me

00:43:29Is because I'm always half winking

00:43:34Now listen

00:43:35I know

00:43:36I know a lot of comedians

00:43:37When they come out on stage

00:43:38They will sort of

00:43:39Complain about their other halves

00:43:41And talk about their misses etc

00:43:43Let me tell you something

00:43:43I love my wife

00:43:45I am obsessed with that woman

00:43:46I am obsessed with that woman

00:43:48I love her so much

00:43:49And she has had to make

00:43:51She's had to make

00:43:52A lot of sacrifices

00:43:53In her life

00:43:53For me to be able

00:43:54To come and do this

00:43:55Right

00:43:55As she recently

00:43:57Reminded me

00:43:58On a FaceTime call

00:44:00From her spa

00:44:01I mean she's done alright

00:44:03Out of this

00:44:04To be honest with you

00:44:05I love her very much

00:44:07But we have had our issues

00:44:09Right

00:44:09I will never forget the date

00:44:11She wanted to have a word with me

00:44:12It was the 15th of July 2018

00:44:14She said to me

00:44:16Romesh can have a word

00:44:17She was quite nervous

00:44:18I said to her of course

00:44:19She said

00:44:20You know this couple

00:44:22That we've started hanging about with

00:44:23I said yeah

00:44:24She said

00:44:25Well you were at a gig

00:44:26The other night

00:44:26I went round to see them

00:44:29Just on like a social thing

00:44:30And we're having a really nice time

00:44:33We're really really getting on

00:44:34Like really really getting on

00:44:36Like really really getting on

00:44:37I said okay

00:44:38She said we're drinking

00:44:39It was just amazing

00:44:41It was like a really nice vibe

00:44:42And I thought

00:44:43You're a bit old to be using the word vibe

00:44:44But okay

00:44:44And she goes

00:44:46We were just

00:44:47It was getting later and later

00:44:48We're having a really nice time

00:44:49It was just amazing

00:44:50And it was incredible

00:44:52I said okay

00:44:52What happened?

00:44:54And I could tell she was scared

00:44:55She said

00:44:55Um Rom I'm so sorry

00:44:57She said but

00:44:58Basically

00:45:00We were really really getting on

00:45:02One thing led to another

00:45:06I got carried away in the moment

00:45:08And um

00:45:09I invited them on holiday with us

00:45:12And I said to her

00:45:19From the bottom of my heart

00:45:21I'd rather you tell me

00:45:23You'd fuck them

00:45:23Man

00:45:24And I mean that

00:45:30I'm not saying it for comic effect

00:45:31I would rather

00:45:32She had facetimed me from their house

00:45:34And gone hello

00:45:34And then his ball bag

00:45:36Had dropped into the top of the frame

00:45:37Rested on her forehead

00:45:39I don't know how you would have done it

00:45:40Two high chairs

00:45:41Legs akimbo

00:45:42The point I'm trying to make

00:45:43Is I don't want to go on holiday

00:45:45With another family

00:45:46I want to go on holiday

00:45:47With my family

00:45:47I love my family

00:45:48I don't know this couple

00:45:50We're suddenly

00:45:50We're doing all this stuff together

00:45:52Swimming together

00:45:53No

00:45:54Ten days in Portugal

00:45:55Right

00:45:56Ten of the worst days

00:45:57Of my adult life

00:45:59Late on in the holiday

00:46:01We're playing crazy golf

00:46:02Right

00:46:02Which took ages by the way

00:46:04Because one of their kids was shit

00:46:05Like proper shit

00:46:07Which is fine

00:46:09But we're at one hole

00:46:10And it's taken such a long time

00:46:12I said

00:46:12Why don't you just write eight

00:46:13On the scorecard

00:46:14And let's move on

00:46:15She said to me

00:46:16No

00:46:16I want him to learn the rules

00:46:18I said

00:46:19What rules

00:46:20He's playing it through a clown's arsehole

00:46:22There are no rules

00:46:24It's crazy golf

00:46:25What

00:46:25Do you want him to turn pro

00:46:26You fucking idiot

00:46:27We get to the end of crazy golf

00:46:30Right

00:46:30Lisa went to the toilet

00:46:32As she always does after crazy golf

00:46:33And

00:46:34The woman of the couple

00:46:37Said to me

00:46:37Romesh

00:46:37What are you planning on doing after this

00:46:39Now

00:46:39I knew that Lisa wanted to go shopping

00:46:41Right

00:46:41But I said

00:46:42I'm not really sure

00:46:43And then she said to me

00:46:44We were thinking

00:46:45We could go to Burger King

00:46:46And then go back to your hotel

00:46:48And hang out at your pool

00:46:49For the rest of the day

00:46:50And I thought

00:46:51Who the fuck

00:46:53Goes to Burger King

00:46:55In Portugal

00:46:57I don't even have Burger King

00:46:59When it's at my house

00:47:01Right

00:47:01And now

00:47:01I'm having it in Portugal

00:47:04I'm having it in Portugal

00:47:04Who the

00:47:05Who the

00:47:06Who the

00:47:06Who the fuck

00:47:07Goes to Burger King

00:47:09In Portugal

00:47:10You're supposed to immerse yourself

00:47:12In the culture

00:47:12And the cuisine

00:47:13Of the country

00:47:14You're visiting

00:47:14You fucking

00:47:15Ignorant

00:47:16Fucking

00:47:17Brexit

00:47:18Fucking

00:47:19Only fools and horses

00:47:21Cafe visiting

00:47:22Fry up every morning

00:47:24Fucking

00:47:25Xenophobic

00:47:26Stupid

00:47:26Fucking

00:47:27You're not even scum

00:47:28You're the bacteria

00:47:29That grows on the anus

00:47:30Scum

00:47:31I cannot believe

00:47:32I've travelled abroad

00:47:33You fucking stupid

00:47:35Ignorant

00:47:36Ball bag juggling

00:47:37Fucking stupid

00:47:38Arse of

00:47:39I didn't say any of that

00:47:40I said yeah that sounds great

00:47:41Right because

00:47:42Because I'm two faced

00:47:45Right

00:47:45Lisa came back from the toilet

00:47:48She said to me

00:47:49What are we going to do now

00:47:50And I said

00:47:51We're going to Burger King

00:47:52And then we are going back to our hotel

00:47:55To hang out at the pool for the day

00:47:56I could tell she was annoyed

00:47:59Right

00:48:00We got into our car

00:48:01They got into their car

00:48:02Lisa said to me

00:48:03Romesh

00:48:04How has this happened

00:48:05And I said

00:48:05Lisa

00:48:06Can I just stop you there

00:48:07For the duration of this holiday

00:48:13You need to talk to me

00:48:15Like a victim

00:48:16Okay

00:48:16I am a victim

00:48:17Of the situation you've created

00:48:20As far as I'm concerned

00:48:21I can't do anything wrong

00:48:22This didn't have to happen

00:48:23Okay

00:48:23You could have fucked them

00:48:24But you didn't do that

00:48:26You invited them on holiday

00:48:28And now we're just trying to survive

00:48:29This Portuguese prison

00:48:30That you've created for us

00:48:32You can't have a go at me

00:48:34For the duration of this holiday

00:48:35Actually

00:48:35I can't do anything wrong

00:48:37I can do whatever I want

00:48:38I'm just coping

00:48:38I could shag a waitress

00:48:39You'd have to go

00:48:40That's my fault

00:48:41For making Romesh come on holiday

00:48:42With another family

00:48:43All I can ask is that you strap up

00:48:45We argued like that

00:48:48Back and forth

00:48:49The whole way to Burger King

00:48:50Which by the way

00:48:51Was 45 minutes away

00:48:53I wouldn't go to Burger King

00:48:55If it was there

00:48:56But I drove

00:48:57Three quarters of an hour

00:48:59Across the Algarve

00:49:00We get to Burger King

00:49:05One of my kids gets us out of the car

00:49:07Goes up to one of their kids

00:49:08And says

00:49:09My mum and dad have been arguing

00:49:11About your mum and dad

00:49:12The whole way over here

00:49:12I looked at my son

00:49:17And I thought

00:49:17You fucking legend

00:49:19You've absolutely smashed that

00:49:22This friendship will never recover

00:49:23And it never did

00:49:24I'm thinking about using him

00:49:26In other situations

00:49:27Like when some people

00:49:27Are waiting for me at the pub

00:49:28Just send him in

00:49:29Dad says you're boring

00:49:30Good night

00:49:31So anyway

00:49:36The point I'm trying to make

00:49:37London

00:49:38Is that

00:49:38Lisa and I have had our issues

00:49:40But

00:49:41I love that woman completely

00:49:42And I intend on remaining

00:49:43Married to her

00:49:44For the foreseeable

00:49:45But

00:49:48I'm not sure if I agree with marriage

00:49:51Full stop

00:49:51Anymore

00:49:52I don't know if I agree with it

00:49:54For humans

00:49:54I don't know why we're still doing it

00:49:56I don't understand

00:49:57I don't know why we haven't moved on

00:49:58From marriage

00:49:59As a thing

00:50:00Do you know what I mean

00:50:00Why are we still doing it

00:50:01There's so many people in the world

00:50:04Why do you have to stick with one

00:50:05Guys

00:50:09I know it's difficult to agree with me

00:50:16Because you probably sat next to the person

00:50:18I'm talking about

00:50:18But I want you to think about it

00:50:21The same fucking face

00:50:23Every day

00:50:24Till you die

00:50:25Just slowly decaying

00:50:26Like the end of an Indiana Jones film

00:50:28Like a pumpkin

00:50:30You left out too long

00:50:31After Halloween

00:50:32I don't think it's romantic

00:50:34To get married

00:50:35I think not getting married

00:50:36Is romantic

00:50:37Alright

00:50:37If you wake up next to someone

00:50:39You're not married to

00:50:40You are saying to that person

00:50:41I choose

00:50:42To spend another day

00:50:44Of my life

00:50:45With you

00:50:46When my wife wakes up

00:50:48She is saying

00:50:49I can't be asked to leave

00:50:51There's

00:50:51Paperwork and shit like that

00:50:54And listen

00:50:54I know marriage has happened

00:50:57Since the olden days

00:50:58Okay

00:50:58For generation after generation

00:50:59But

00:51:00In the olden days

00:51:01People used to die in their 30s

00:51:03Okay

00:51:03People are living to their 80s now

00:51:06It's a long old fucking shift

00:51:07And I know it happens in the animal kingdom

00:51:13Like animals pair up

00:51:14Yeah

00:51:14They do

00:51:15But animals all look the same as each other

00:51:16You shag one line

00:51:20You shag them all

00:51:21You don't get a line going

00:51:23Oh hello

00:51:24Have you met my wife

00:51:24She looks just like me

00:51:25With no hair

00:51:26Thinking about leaving her

00:51:29For that one over there

00:51:29That looks just like me

00:51:30With no hair

00:51:31Some animals mate for life

00:51:36Some animals shag around

00:51:37Swans

00:51:39Mate for life

00:51:40Chimpanzees

00:51:42Shag around

00:51:43Who looks happier

00:51:45A swan will break your fucking arm

00:51:49I just think that's pent up frustration

00:51:51I'm tired of this shit

00:51:52I'm not saying I want to shag around London

00:52:00Okay

00:52:00I'm not saying that

00:52:02Some of my friends are in open relationships

00:52:03Not for me

00:52:04Okay

00:52:05If Lisa and I had to get into an open relationship

00:52:07There'd be two clear effects

00:52:09Effect number one

00:52:10She'd be having sex

00:52:12With a lot more people

00:52:12Effect number two

00:52:16I'd be having sex

00:52:17With one less person

00:52:18So

00:52:18No thank you

00:52:24Nice try Lisa

00:52:25You won't catch me out like that

00:52:26The point I'm trying to make is this

00:52:29I've been with Lisa for 15 years

00:52:31Right

00:52:31She's a

00:52:32She's a

00:52:33Thank you

00:52:34I didn't say it was all happy

00:52:35But thank you

00:52:36I am a completely different person

00:52:39To who I was

00:52:39When we first got together

00:52:40She's a completely different person

00:52:42To who she was

00:52:43When we first got together

00:52:44Why do we have to stay together

00:52:46Guys

00:52:49I mean I want to

00:52:53But that's just luck

00:52:54I don't understand why you commit to something

00:52:56Regardless of what changes

00:52:57You wouldn't accept that

00:52:58In any other situation

00:52:59Alright

00:53:00I think

00:53:01It should be like a workplace scenario

00:53:03Where once a year

00:53:05You sit down together

00:53:06And you have an appraisal

00:53:09Right

00:53:10So how do you think you've done

00:53:12Over the last 12 months

00:53:13What do you think of your chap

00:53:15Do you think you've met your targets

00:53:17Where do you see yourself in five years

00:53:19Hopefully she doesn't say

00:53:20Shagging your brother

00:53:21Ideally

00:53:22We

00:53:25Lisa and I actually

00:53:26Talked about splitting up

00:53:28Like not seriously

00:53:28We kind of like

00:53:29Fantas

00:53:30Not fantasised

00:53:31We sort of

00:53:31Hypothesised about it

00:53:34I don't know if you've ever done that

00:53:36Sort of talked about

00:53:36What might happen to you

00:53:37If you were to split up

00:53:38If you do have that conversation

00:53:40Here's a little tip

00:53:41Don't sound too keen

00:53:43Right

00:53:43I would pepper the conversation

00:53:46With phrases like

00:53:47God forbid

00:53:47And

00:53:48I would hope for that to happen

00:53:50Do you know what I mean

00:53:50God forbid

00:53:52I'd have that freedom

00:53:52You know

00:53:53The reason that Lisa and I

00:53:58Had that conversation

00:53:59Is actually

00:53:59It's because of me

00:54:00It's an unexpected side effect

00:54:03Of my job

00:54:04One of my kids

00:54:05Is getting bullied at school

00:54:07Because of who I am

00:54:08Like this kid

00:54:09Is giving my son shit

00:54:10At school because of me

00:54:11It's incredibly upsetting

00:54:13I mean it's not

00:54:13Incredibly upsetting

00:54:15It doesn't affect me directly

00:54:16But

00:54:17But it is quite sad

00:54:23I'll tell you how

00:54:24I do a show

00:54:25With Rob Beckett

00:54:26Called Robin Romesh Versus

00:54:27And

00:54:28Thank you

00:54:30Alright relax

00:54:31But

00:54:31We did an episode

00:54:33Of that show

00:54:33Called Robin Romesh

00:54:34Versus the three lions

00:54:36Right

00:54:36And we trained

00:54:37With the England football team

00:54:38And I was shit

00:54:39And I was so shit

00:54:41That my son

00:54:42Is getting shit

00:54:43For how shit

00:54:44I was in that training session

00:54:45Horrible

00:54:47Imagine being that kid

00:54:48Just somebody goes

00:54:49To your dad's shit

00:54:50And then you go

00:54:51No he isn't

00:54:51And then he goes

00:54:52He is

00:54:52I've got a video

00:54:53It's on my phone

00:54:55I put it in slow motion

00:54:56You can see the exact moment

00:54:57When your dad himself

00:54:58Realises it is in fact shit

00:55:00See the light go out of his eyes

00:55:01First the good one

00:55:02Then the other one

00:55:03Anyway

00:55:09This kid

00:55:10Keeps saying stuff

00:55:11To my son

00:55:12About Lisa and me

00:55:13Like one of the things

00:55:13He said recently

00:55:14Is your mum and dad

00:55:15Are going to split up

00:55:16Because your mum's

00:55:18Having sex

00:55:18With three premier league footballers

00:55:20And Lisa told me this

00:55:22And I said

00:55:23Premier league

00:55:25I don't think so

00:55:30I mean

00:55:31Sunday league

00:55:32Yeah

00:55:32Fill your boots

00:55:33With premier league

00:55:34See the sort of women

00:55:35These guys go for

00:55:36I mean not for me

00:55:37They're attractive

00:55:37In an obvious way

00:55:38I prefer a

00:55:39Less obvious type of attractiveness

00:55:40Sort of attractiveness

00:55:41You have to look for

00:55:42Do you know what I mean

00:55:42Sometimes you have to hunt around for it

00:55:44You're not sure it's there

00:55:45But eventually you do find

00:55:46It's like a hidden treasure

00:55:47She didn't like any of that

00:55:48Chat

00:55:48We started talking about

00:55:49Splitting up

00:55:50She said to me

00:55:55Romesh

00:55:55If we were to split up

00:55:56I don't think you could really get with anyone else

00:55:58I thought

00:55:59It's a bit fucking spicy

00:56:00I thought she was talking about my attractiveness

00:56:03Because I'm not an attractive guy

00:56:05I'm not an unattractive guy

00:56:06But I'm not an attractive guy

00:56:07Like I'm attractive enough

00:56:09Like I'm attractive enough that

00:56:09Once you get to know me

00:56:10You sort of go

00:56:11He's alright looking

00:56:12But I'm not attractive enough

00:56:13For you to see me across a room

00:56:15And go

00:56:16Who the fuck is that

00:56:18Unless it's very very dark

00:56:21And then

00:56:22It's more like

00:56:23Who the fuck is that

00:56:24Yeah

00:56:24Is it very different

00:56:25And I don't mind

00:56:30I don't give a shit

00:56:31I don't care about being attractive

00:56:32It's an accident of genetics

00:56:33Right

00:56:33But Lisa keeps trying to convince me

00:56:35That I am attractive

00:56:36And as we all know

00:56:37Compliments from your other half

00:56:38Mean less than fuck all

00:56:40I mean they really do

00:56:41Sorry you're trapped

00:56:42I need to hear from someone in the wild

00:56:43Ideally

00:56:44She'll say to me

00:56:47Oh Romesh you are attractive

00:56:48I go Lisa I'm not

00:56:49She'll go you are

00:56:49I go I'm not

00:56:50She'll go you are

00:56:51I go you're just saying that

00:56:51Because we're married

00:56:52She goes you are

00:56:52And I go okay

00:56:53What would you have done

00:56:54If I'd have approached you in a bar

00:56:56And she went

00:56:57Err

00:56:58I said that's enough

00:56:59That is

00:56:59That's all the intel I need

00:57:01Thank you so much

00:57:02For the boost of the self esteem

00:57:04She said to me

00:57:07Romesh you couldn't really get with anyone

00:57:09If we were to split up

00:57:10Because when we first got together

00:57:11You were a maths teacher

00:57:13Whereas now

00:57:14You've been on television

00:57:15If you get with someone else

00:57:16You've got no idea

00:57:17Why they're really with you

00:57:18And I said to her

00:57:20You really think I give a fuck

00:57:22You think if I get with someone else

00:57:25I'll be sat there going

00:57:26I hope she loves me for me

00:57:28I don't think so

00:57:31I'll be pouring maple syrup on her

00:57:33Right

00:57:33I don't give a shit why she's there

00:57:37I'm just delighted she is

00:57:38I do think it would be easier

00:57:43For Lisa sexually

00:57:44If we were to split up

00:57:45Right

00:57:45Hear me out on this

00:57:46Right

00:57:46I've been with Lisa for 15 years

00:57:49So I've been having sex

00:57:50On and off

00:57:50Mainly off

00:57:51With the same woman

00:57:52For 15 years

00:57:54Right

00:57:54And I know

00:57:55What turns her on

00:57:57I know what she really likes

00:57:58From years of trying stuff

00:58:00And being told that's horrible

00:58:01Right

00:58:01I know

00:58:02What she's into

00:58:04Right

00:58:04And I'll level with you London

00:58:06I'm a four move guy

00:58:07Okay

00:58:08And I know

00:58:10If I rotate

00:58:11Through those four moves

00:58:13Right

00:58:13That's one of them

00:58:14If I rotate through those four moves

00:58:25I can get my wife off

00:58:26Like 40 to 50% of the time

00:58:28Do you know what I mean?

00:58:29If I move

00:58:29That's another one

00:58:30By the way

00:58:31If I rotate through that short playlist

00:58:41I can get my wife off

00:58:42Like 20 to 30% of the time

00:58:44As long as I've not had too many carbs

00:58:46And I'm well hydrated

00:58:47Right

00:58:47But that's my wife

00:58:49If I get with another woman

00:58:50As we all know

00:58:50Women are very complicated

00:58:51They're turned on by different things

00:58:53If I meet another woman

00:58:54I've got to learn that shit all over again

00:58:56Like learn a new body

00:58:57I don't think so

00:58:59I don't even like playing FIFA

00:59:01If the controller's different

00:59:02Do you know what I mean?

00:59:03Now I've got to

00:59:03Learn a new body

00:59:05Sorry, no

00:59:05It's not going to happen

00:59:06I'm 46 years old

00:59:07Certain shit I'm not going to learn anymore

00:59:09I'm never going to learn Spanish

00:59:10I've accepted that

00:59:11They just have to deal with me

00:59:12Shouting in English louder

00:59:14That doesn't work in the bedroom

00:59:16Orgasm!

00:59:17You know, that's not going to do anything

00:59:18But that's me

00:59:23That's for Lisa

00:59:24When she moves on

00:59:25What a piece of piss

00:59:27Because she knows how to work a dick

00:59:30And if you can work one dick

00:59:38You can work every dick on the planet

00:59:42Okay

00:59:42Because as we all know

00:59:45A dick is a dick

00:59:47Is a dick

00:59:48Is a dick

00:59:49Is a dick

00:59:49Okay

00:59:49If you master one dick

00:59:51You've got yourself an instruction manual

00:59:53For any dick you come across

00:59:55Be it a work, recreation

00:59:57Or emergency situation

00:59:58Right

00:59:59As we all know

01:00:00Every dick requires some sort of variation

01:00:02Of up and down

01:00:03Okay

01:00:04We all know that

01:00:05It's very rare that you get someone go

01:00:07I don't like up and down

01:00:09Do you know what I like?

01:00:14I actually like when you twist the end of it up

01:00:16And let it go like a deflating balloon

01:00:17That's what I enjoy

01:00:19Do you know what I like?

01:00:20I like when you work it like a punch bag

01:00:21Just take out the body

01:00:22Then knock out the head

01:00:23Do you know what I like?

01:00:25I like when you grab it like a joystick

01:00:26Navigating for a small maze

01:00:27It's just

01:00:28I'll be honest with you

01:00:39The joystick thing's not bad

01:00:40Like whenever

01:00:41Whenever a couple of drinks

01:00:43I go to Lisa

01:00:43Pretend you're really desperate to get out

01:00:45The air's running out

01:00:45Dead end

01:00:46Dead end

01:00:47Anyway London

01:00:53Listen

01:00:53I'm going to share this with you

01:00:55Because you've been a great crowd

01:00:56But look

01:00:56The fact of the matter is

01:00:57Is I realised a while ago

01:00:59That a lot of the things

01:01:00That I've complained about to you tonight

01:01:01Are things

01:01:02That I've actually been worried about

01:01:04About myself

01:01:04Like I talk about

01:01:05Not wanting friends

01:01:06It's because I'm worried

01:01:07That my friends don't want me

01:01:08I talk about people working too hard

01:01:10It's because I'm worried

01:01:11That I work too hard

01:01:12I talk about people being two-faced

01:01:13Because I'm worried

01:01:14That people are being two-faced about me

01:01:15I talk about people being too into football

01:01:17It's because I'm worried

01:01:17That I'm too into football

01:01:19I talk about marriage not being right

01:01:20Because I'm worried that Lisa

01:01:21Might be too good for me

01:01:23And might leave me

01:01:23And I realised all of this

01:01:24With a little bit of help from a therapist

01:01:26And I decided

01:01:27To take a step back

01:01:29I took a step back from work

01:01:30And I started to do some family and friendship

01:01:32Right

01:01:32And one of the things I organised

01:01:34As part of this family and friends programme

01:01:36Was a trip to Chessington World of Adventures

01:01:38Now

01:01:39I think they need to change the name of that place

01:01:42Right

01:01:42And I'll tell you why

01:01:44When we were at Disney World

01:01:45We had a guide

01:01:45And the guide said to me

01:01:48Do you have anything like this in the UK?

01:01:51And I said yes

01:01:52We've got Chessington World of Adventures

01:01:54And she went

01:01:58Chessington World of Adventures

01:02:00That sounds amazing

01:02:03I have to go

01:02:04I cannot fucking wait

01:02:08For her to rock up to the UK

01:02:12And check out Chessington Village of Disappointment

01:02:15I hope she has a great time

01:02:16Anyway

01:02:18That's not the point of the story

01:02:19The point of the story is

01:02:19I'm really into my trainers

01:02:21Right

01:02:21I'm constantly buying trainers

01:02:22I can't wear

01:02:23I bought loads of Yeezys

01:02:24Kanye West trainers

01:02:25Can't wear those anymore

01:02:26Might as well wear a swastika

01:02:27And I also

01:02:29Buy trainers that are too expensive

01:02:31They're so expensive

01:02:32That I'm too scared to wear them

01:02:34Because I don't want to ruin them

01:02:34And so I don't

01:02:35I just keep them in the box

01:02:36I don't know what the fuck I'm doing

01:02:37Just boxed ornaments

01:02:39Open the box

01:02:39Masturbate

01:02:40Close the box

01:02:41Put the box away

01:02:41I realised I had to change my ways

01:02:45London

01:02:45I thought I'm just going to wear my trainers

01:02:47Whenever I want

01:02:47Right

01:02:48So we're going to Chessington

01:02:49I put on a brand new pair of Jordans

01:02:50I'm coming down the stairs

01:02:51Just like

01:02:52Yeah boy

01:02:52What's going on

01:02:53Lisa said to me

01:02:55What are you doing?

01:02:55I said well

01:02:58I'm wearing my Jordans to Chessington

01:02:59Why?

01:03:01She said to me

01:03:01Can you not do that?

01:03:03I said why not?

01:03:04She said because I know what's going to happen

01:03:05You're going to wear them

01:03:06You're going to get a mark on them

01:03:08You're going to start crying

01:03:09And then the boys day is going to be ruined

01:03:12I said hush your mouth

01:03:13I've changed my ways actually Lisa

01:03:16I've decided I'm going to change my ways

01:03:18I'm going to wear my trainers whenever I want

01:03:20So I'd appreciate if you supported me

01:03:22And got off my back about it

01:03:23Woman

01:03:23Obviously I didn't say that

01:03:26I said shall I change?

01:03:27I just

01:03:28I just changed it

01:03:28I wore the Jordans to Chessington

01:03:31We had a great day

01:03:33What a great day

01:03:34The kids were having a great time

01:03:35My friends were having a great time

01:03:37Lisa's having a great time

01:03:38We're eating and drinking

01:03:39And having a wonderful time

01:03:40Midway through the day

01:03:42I genuinely thought to myself

01:03:43I'm grilling mushrooms here

01:03:45I feel like I've got

01:03:47I feel like I've got two on the go

01:03:48Do you know what I mean?

01:03:50Late on in the day

01:03:51I'm approached by a woman in a wheelchair

01:03:53Okay, relevant to the story

01:03:54She says to me

01:03:56Romesh, could I please have a photo?

01:03:58Obviously

01:03:58I said yes

01:04:00It's a terrible look to say no

01:04:01As I crouched down

01:04:05Next to the woman

01:04:06Her chair

01:04:11Rolled forward

01:04:16And she ran over my right foot

01:04:20I looked down

01:04:21There was a tyre mark

01:04:23Across my shoe

01:04:24Like a cartoon

01:04:26I couldn't

01:04:26Fucking believe

01:04:27I couldn't

01:04:28I couldn't

01:04:30Fucking

01:04:30I couldn't

01:04:31I couldn't

01:04:36Fucking believe it

01:04:38Now obviously

01:04:40I couldn't do what I wanted

01:04:41Which is to scream in this woman's face

01:04:42Because that's a Daily Mail headline

01:04:43Waiting to happen

01:04:44So I just swallowed the rage

01:04:46Deep, deep down

01:04:47So it becomes something physical

01:04:48That would kill me in 10 years

01:04:49And I just grinned it out

01:04:51Just

01:04:51I should push this bitch down the hill

01:05:00I can't believe

01:05:01You don't have some sort of

01:05:02Fucking brake lever

01:05:03I got up

01:05:08And I walked away from the incident

01:05:09I was devastated

01:05:10Shoe was ruined

01:05:12I walked over to Lisa

01:05:14She had seen everything

01:05:20And this is where my marriage is at London

01:05:24She looked at me

01:05:27She looked at my shoe

01:05:29She was fucking buzzing

01:05:32I've never seen her so happy

01:05:36I looked to her

01:05:37And I said

01:05:37Where the fuck

01:05:38Was this level of emotion

01:05:40On our wedding day

01:05:41If she could have wined

01:05:43She would have done

01:05:44London thank you so much

01:05:46What a crowd

01:05:50What a night

01:05:51Thank you so much

01:05:53For coming out

01:05:53I'll see you next time

01:05:54Goodnight also

01:05:56Let's go

01:06:06Let's go

01:06:07We'll be right back in the store, we don't leave you a direct route, we'll cease

01:06:09We go, I'll leave you a class, that's a real MC

01:06:13O, tight D, double leader, for real OG

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