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Crowd Control (2025) Season 1 Episode 2
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00:00Welcome to Crowd Control, the improvised stand-up show where the audience is the material.
00:08On tonight's lineup, from BoJack Horseman and so much more, Paul F. Tompkins.
00:15Author of Raw Dogs, The Naked Truth About Hot Dogs, Jamie Loftus.
00:21And as seen on Real Housewives of New York, John Marco Soresi.
00:26And here's your host, Jacquees Neal.
00:34Wow, wow, wow, I see you, my man, I see you, I see you.
00:38What is up, everybody? Welcome to Crowd Control.
00:43Tonight, I have three of my favorite comedians who are here to turn your lives into stand-up comedy.
00:49And they're going to do so by doing some good old-fashioned crowd work.
00:53Let's say what's up to them. How you guys doing?
00:56Yeah, yeah, Paul.
00:58You are the best dressed comedian in Hollywood.
01:01Wow.
01:02Has there ever been somebody in the audience that's been better dressed than you?
01:06They're welcome to try.
01:09Do you have any tips for your fellow comedians?
01:11Dressed to impress you.
01:14Have fun tonight.
01:15I will.
01:15Jamie, I've known you for a long time.
01:17You host one of my favorite podcasts, The Bechdel Cast.
01:21You just do...
01:23I love seeing a man screaming in response to that.
01:27How many audience members do you think you have to talk to tonight for this show to pass the Bechdel test?
01:32What you're telling me is you don't know what it is?
01:34John Marco Sarese.
01:38Or should I say returning champion?
01:44Sure.
01:45Yeah.
01:45You won the Game Changer episode of Crowd Control.
01:50Yes.
01:50I did.
01:51What's some tips you got for the other two?
01:53You want to ask the questions that, at a dinner party, would get you not invited back.
02:00John Marco, happy to have you, man.
02:01Have a good time tonight.
02:04I'm going to bring the comic up here one by one, and they are going to talk to you.
02:08Until I give them each round the red light.
02:12Oh, my God.
02:13Make some noise.
02:14Make some noise.
02:16John Marco Sarese.
02:17I like the dinosaur jacket.
02:26Oh, that's me, yeah.
02:28How many people do you think had that outfit?
02:30I can't believe they make them in adult sizes.
02:33Now, can you name any of the dinosaurs on your shirt right now?
02:37The one with wings.
02:39Uh-huh.
02:39Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:40The Megazord one.
02:41This one combines with these two.
02:43No, that's the Pterodactyl, which is spelled with a P.
02:46I know that.
02:47Okay, extra credit.
02:48Sure.
02:50Good, good, good.
02:51I'm glad.
02:52Well, so then, what are you into, if not dinosaurs?
02:55Men.
02:56Okay, sure.
02:58That's great.
03:00100%.
03:01I'm bored.
03:02I lie.
03:03How did you call them to your parents?
03:08Or name three more dinosaurs.
03:09One of the two.
03:10It's kind of up to you.
03:11If you can combine them, that's great.
03:13If you're like, you know how a dinosaur comes out of an egg?
03:15That's how it came out of the closet.
03:16I saw the source and the other ones that were on the Power Rangers.
03:19Okay, wow.
03:20It must be a really tough coming out story, I guess.
03:24How are you?
03:25I'm good, Harry.
03:25Good.
03:26How's a relationship with your dad?
03:29Well, both my dads are significantly older than my mom, so we don't relate all that much.
03:33Is it as three together?
03:35Yeah.
03:35Okay.
03:36Yeah, yeah.
03:37I don't know what's better, divorced parents or that.
03:40Because I have two.
03:41I have a dad and a stepdad.
03:44They didn't do my mom at the same time.
03:47There were serious amounts of time in between those two things.
03:50Did it start all three together?
03:52Did you grow up with two dads or did one come in?
03:54I grew up having all three of them.
03:56Honestly, I didn't know it was that weird until, like, fourth grade or something.
03:59Fourth grade?
04:00You went all the way to fourth grade?
04:04But did you tell, like, did it ever come up?
04:06How did it come up in fourth grade?
04:08I think I was in Spanish class.
04:09You were like, count out your parents.
04:10Uno, dos, tres.
04:11And they were like.
04:14Okay.
04:15So you were in Spanish class?
04:16You know, you, like, draw out the family tree.
04:19Oh, my God.
04:21What'd she say?
04:22Dios mio.
04:23So did people treat you strangely at school?
04:26Did they?
04:26I went to a really weird private school, so.
04:29So they were like, you only have three parents?
04:36So which dad do you like more?
04:39I think I like them pretty similar.
04:41If you, if you're, if you're going, if you're going into surgery, who's, and you can only
04:44see one, and all, listen, sometimes life is tough, sometimes life is tough, and you know
04:50what, I've been to a lot of hospitals in America are not going to be open to this whole two
04:54dad thing with the mob.
04:56They're going to say you get one in the room, or is it going to be, who's it going to be?
04:59I don't know.
05:00See, we have been in situations in my family where one of my dad got in a motorcycle wreck
05:03and we had to take turns.
05:04Was there any part of you that when he got into the wreck, you said, well, at least I still
05:07have a dad?
05:09I'll send a shout out of my dad.
05:13Please put your hands together for Paul F. Tompkins!
05:22Hey, how's everybody doing this afternoon?
05:28You.
05:29Jair.
05:29Jair?
05:30Yes.
05:31Jair, can I ask what you do for a living?
05:33I'm actually in law school.
05:34But that's not what you do for a living.
05:36No.
05:37That's school.
05:39You can't trick me.
05:40Okay.
05:42Great talking to you.
05:45What's your name, little lumberjack?
05:49Nolan.
05:50Is that a family name?
05:52It was given to me by my family, but it's not.
05:54Well, thank you.
05:55I was named by my father, whose favorite athlete was Nolan Ryan.
05:59Well, there you go.
06:00And he wanted me to be a star athlete as well, which is how I ended up getting into musical
06:05theater.
06:05What's your dream role, Nolan?
06:07I want to put on a two-man show of Les Mis with me and a friend and a table of hats.
06:12Do you feel like when you get to, do you hear the people sing, it's going to sound a
06:15little thin?
06:16I would say, one day more, and do you hear the people sing, is just me running back and
06:23forth, hat, hat, hat, hat.
06:25Maybe you should have gotten into track and field.
06:28It sounds like you just want to run around.
06:30Yeah.
06:30I'm very fast.
06:31Please.
06:33You.
06:34What is your name?
06:36BJ.
06:37Okay.
06:38What brought you out here?
06:39I am an entertainment critic and-
06:41Thank you, BJ.
06:42And you.
06:45What's your name and height?
06:50My name is Rye.
06:51I'm 4'9".
06:53No, you're not.
06:54I am.
06:554'9"?
06:55I would have guessed 5'1".
06:57That means a lot to me.
06:59Do you have siblings?
07:01Yes.
07:01Are you the smallest in the family?
07:02Yes.
07:03Are you a small people?
07:05Yes.
07:05We're very small people.
07:07Yep.
07:09I mean, stacked on top of each other, we're a big people.
07:11Yeah, you've got to be up to like 6'2".
07:13Yeah.
07:14What do you do for a living?
07:16I do college and I dog sit.
07:18You do college and you dog sit?
07:20Yep.
07:21Same.
07:21That's it for Paul and I'm Talkers, everybody.
07:25Yeah.
07:26Woof!
07:28So please welcome to the stage, Jamie Lofton!
07:34BJ, what- which movie is the worst movie though?
07:38The original Grease.
07:41I said it.
07:41What is the reason?
07:44Everyone took terrible lessons from that movie.
07:47John Travolta? Not cool in that movie.
07:49He's supposed to be a little bit of a wiener.
07:51Okay, that's wrong. We have to keep moving.
07:53We have to keep moving.
07:55It's patently untrue.
07:57All right, I've been instructed to pass the Bechdel test as much as possible.
08:02Hello. What's your name?
08:03Diana.
08:03Okay, that passes the Bechdel test.
08:07What's the pin situation we have going on here?
08:09I'm a cartoon guy.
08:11Just a little uncopywritten guy.
08:14That's our favorite kind of guy.
08:17If you could have a copyrighted guy on your jacket, what would it be?
08:23For the occasion, I have a little Mr. Krabs pin.
08:27Oh, wow.
08:28You really don't want to see me around a Mr. Krabs pin.
08:33I'll go fucking nuts.
08:35You don't want to see me.
08:37John Marko would lose it around a Mr. Krabs pin.
08:40I didn't know Mr. Krabs was a real guy until, like, Mr. Krabs isn't real.
08:47Do you know Mr. Krabs isn't real?
08:49What do you think he was?
08:50Okay.
08:52He's a real guy.
08:53He's like an actor.
08:54He was in Lost.
08:55He died.
08:55Hey, Mr. Krabs was in Lost?
08:58Mr. Krabs was in Lost.
08:59The character Mr. Krabs?
09:01No.
09:02No.
09:02No.
09:02Mr. Krabs.
09:03The guy who plays Mr. Krabs.
09:04I don't know why I'm...
09:06Clancy Brown.
09:06Is that really not...
09:07Clancy Brown.
09:08I have to get out of here.
09:10I'm going away.
09:11I'm going away.
09:12Help me.
09:13Help.
09:14Help?
09:14Help.
09:14Help.
09:15What's your name?
09:16Xander.
09:16Okay.
09:17Could you just touch my hand really quick?
09:18Yeah, I got you.
09:20Thank you so much.
09:20Okay.
09:21How much slack does this have?
09:24Okay.
09:25Let's just...
09:26This is as far as I can go.
09:31So.
09:34What do you do for work?
09:35I sell cheese.
09:37You don't sell anything else other than cheese?
09:38I mean, there's like, you know, the accoutrement, like, crackers.
09:41What's a classy cheese, if I'm looking to have a classy cheese around?
09:46A poise.
09:48What?
09:49It's a really...
09:50So, hi.
09:50So, it's a...
09:51Could you say it again?
09:54And then everyone go, ooh, even, like, louder.
09:56Okay.
09:56Okay.
09:57A poise.
09:58Oh, my God.
09:59Hey.
10:00Oh, okay.
10:02Say more.
10:03So, it's a funky, like, wash rind cheese.
10:06I've lost interest.
10:07I'm sorry.
10:08I have to...
10:09That's it for Jamie Poster's, everybody.
10:15Audience, will you please remove your top layers?
10:18Everybody's getting naked.
10:21No?
10:21No.
10:21I'm sorry.
10:22No.
10:22Our folks are here for a fascinating reason, and that reason is written right on their shirts.
10:29Guys, are you ready to get this round started?
10:32Yeah.
10:33Please put your hands together for Jamie Loftus, everybody.
10:40Oh, my God.
10:42Leathermaster.
10:43I saw you from across the bar, Leathermaster.
10:47And what does that mean?
10:50I fell into leather work while working at the Renaissance Fair, and I've been doing it for 15 years.
10:55Okay.
10:56I'm just gonna...
10:56Do you...
10:56Can I do this?
10:57Okay.
10:58Hi.
10:58It's just you and me.
10:59It's...
11:00Is that, like, a Leathermaster thing?
11:03I'm, like, basically a virgin, so you're gonna have to tell me.
11:07So, when you say Leathermaster, is it a sex thing, or do you make belts?
11:10Actually, the most popular thing I make is a belt that turns into, like, a dozen different ways to tie somebody up.
11:16Oh!
11:18Okay.
11:18Okay.
11:19I'm gonna keep that in mind, and I'm gonna...
11:21Okay.
11:22Okay.
11:23And we're going over to two dads over here, who has a shirt that says Coven Destroyer.
11:30Does that have anything to do with the two dads?
11:33Oh, my God.
11:33That's not your thing?
11:36You are just baffling.
11:38I have to kiss him.
11:39I just, like...
11:40Slimer.
11:41Slimer.
11:41This is a little more my speed.
11:42Slimer.
11:43What's up, Slimer?
11:43So, I'm basically a virgin.
11:47What's Slimer?
11:49I, uh, I work at a slime factory.
11:51What?
11:52Okay.
11:53Slimer, Leathermaster, I mean, like, is there any overlap?
11:56The slime is primarily for children, so I would hope not.
11:59Okay.
12:00Based on what I just heard.
12:01I'm gonna start, like, moving you guys around a little bit.
12:04So, Collector, what do you collect?
12:06Fountain pens.
12:07I need you to go where Slimer is.
12:09Slimer, Collector, you're switching sides.
12:11Slimer, Leathermaster, I think you guys should just sort of have, like, a sidebar, figure
12:15this out.
12:17Okay, 740 slices of pizza.
12:19I just casually counted how many slices of pizza I ate in a year.
12:22In a year.
12:23That's what it should say.
12:24Come on.
12:25And now, 740, that's, like, two slices a day.
12:27I'd do that.
12:28I could wear that shirt.
12:29I'm sorry.
12:30Sorry, I'm yelling at you.
12:32Okay.
12:33Professional elf.
12:34I make money as an elf girl on the internet.
12:36You make more sense next to Leathermaster, actually.
12:39Slimer, you're moving again.
12:40Slimer, get over here.
12:42That's it for Jamie.
12:43I lost this every time.
12:46John Marco, let's get you up on stage.
12:48Welcome back to the stage, John Marco.
12:50All right, all right.
12:51Hello, hello.
12:52So, um, I, what, did 900 Oreos cancel?
12:56Like, what happened?
12:59So, famous flight attendant.
13:00Now I get how you knew the pterodactyl had wings.
13:02That's exciting.
13:05Okay, I'm just wondering if I saw it.
13:06Why are you a famous flight attendant?
13:09I went viral on a plane.
13:11Uh-huh.
13:12And usually if you'll go viral on planes, it's for something noble and nice.
13:15What was yours?
13:16Ah, okay.
13:17No, no, no, no, no, no.
13:19No, I'm sure you were the flight attendant.
13:20I'm sure you were in the right.
13:22I've seen so many.
13:23Which one was yours?
13:24I was in the right.
13:26Could you tell me what the fuck you did on the plane?
13:29Oh, no.
13:33Yes, no, so I, uh, was doing the safety demonstration and was lip syncing it flawlessly.
13:40Someone recorded it and...
13:41I've seen that, yeah.
13:42Big fan of your work.
13:45More photos, please.
13:46Okay, okay, per my point, tell me one, one thing about airplane, uh, safety that you learned from this video.
13:52What?
13:52That it can look better.
13:56Sure, sure.
13:58Um, okay, okay, okay.
13:59Very fine to see big family behind you.
14:02That's very, um...
14:03Uh, uh, tiny celebrity.
14:06Yes.
14:07Uh, we have a lot in common.
14:08I, uh...
14:09What kind of tiny celebrity are you?
14:13Um, when I was a baby, I was the voice of Jack-Jack from The Incredibles.
14:17Whoa!
14:20Whoa!
14:23Royalty right here!
14:25Royalty!
14:27Okay, that was, that was a lot of applause, so I'm just curious, because I don't remember the movie very well.
14:32What were your lines?
14:33I was the, um, like, happy noises.
14:36Not a lot of range, I gotta say.
14:37Jess, I know we all applauded, but you had to get someone else for the not happy.
14:42I mean, I was a baby.
14:44Okay.
14:46That, okay, so let's say I, someone recorded me sleeping, and they put the snore in a movie that you loved 20 years ago.
14:53Would I put that on a shirt?
14:56Yeah.
14:57Yeah, probably, you're right.
14:58That's what's under here!
15:02That's a collector, what do you collect?
15:03Fountain pens.
15:04Oh, fountain pens.
15:05Yes.
15:05Okay, and, uh, no, all right, help me, help me, you know, you know my, I'm a familiar, you didn't have to pull out an example.
15:16I would hope, as a collector, you would have at least two.
15:19I'm on an island, and I say I'd rather be eaten by a shark than learn about fountain pens.
15:25Tell me what to get excited about.
15:27They're colorful.
15:28That shark's looking good to me right now.
15:30Tell, what else?
15:31What do you love about it?
15:32Like, what, what, what drew you, drew you to them?
15:36Thank you, thank you, thank you.
15:40I know it's not making baby noises in a movie 30 years ago, but, uh.
15:44They are just very nice to write with.
15:47Okay, you want to write something on this so they have to include it in the final edit?
15:50Uh-huh, uh-huh, perfect.
15:51Oh, you surprised me.
15:52Write something nasty.
15:53I won't love it.
15:55It is smooth.
15:56I tried my best.
15:58Okay.
15:58What does it say?
16:00Ami.
16:00Ami.
16:01Ami, Ami.
16:02I was trying to say I love you, I love you.
16:04That's too soon to say I love you.
16:08Three threesomes.
16:10Hey.
16:10Today?
16:13After college, had a bad breakup, and as one does, you find a relationship anarchy group,
16:19and...
16:19Just so I know, is this your mom?
16:21That's it for John and Marko, everybody.
16:25Yay!
16:29Make some noise for Paula Tompkins, everybody.
16:31Give it up, go, dance.
16:32Spelunky, am I right in assuming that your diminutive stature is a plus in the spelunking world?
16:43Absolutely, yes.
16:44What is the smallest space you've ever been in?
16:47Smaller than my shoulders, and you go like this.
16:49Now, does that feel like, hooray, or does it feel like this is unnatural and scary?
16:55I don't get scared by it anymore.
16:57I've been doing it since I was eight years old.
16:59On purpose?
16:59Yes.
17:00Okay.
17:01Yes.
17:01You would just see a hole, and you're like, I gotta get in there.
17:05Yeah.
17:06Is it a crevice?
17:06It's for me.
17:07My parents would take me.
17:09Okay, what was the, do you remember the very first tight space that you crawled into?
17:12I actually do.
17:13I remember it was in San Luis Obispo.
17:16Sure.
17:16And I remember holding my stuffed animal in my mouth while crawling through a sewer tunnel
17:22into an abandoned mine.
17:23Why, why, why were you doing that?
17:27Because my parents were doing it, and they let me do it.
17:29Oh, so they were, you come from a family of spelunkers?
17:32Yes.
17:32Because you're all a little.
17:34Yes.
17:35And you do it as a sort of almost nesting doll, where it's like, the biggest person
17:42goes as far as they could go.
17:44Kind of, yeah.
17:45Have you ever gotten stuck?
17:46I haven't, but I've watched my mom get stuck.
17:48Oh!
17:49Why did you just watch it?
17:52That is the rule of spelunking.
17:54You got yourself in.
17:55Now I'll watch you get yourself out.
17:58I see three threes company people.
18:01So, this is my wife.
18:02And I've known her for ten years.
18:06And this is my co-worker.
18:08Oh, man.
18:09And I direct musicals.
18:11And we've done musicals.
18:13So, my wife would come see the show, and then Cassandra would be like, I'm going to fuck
18:17your wife.
18:19Now, when you heard that this person said, I'm going to fuck your wife, were you instantly
18:25like, oh, thank God?
18:27Or was it, did you have to warm up to the idea?
18:29No, I realized I was bi when we were engaged.
18:33Let me tell you something.
18:34Bi people are running the sweetest racket in town.
18:37Because if you get into a relationship, if you get into a hetero relationship, and all
18:41of a sudden you're like, I never got to try it.
18:45It's just sanctioned cheating.
18:47The person's like, I guess I'd be a meanie if I didn't let you try it.
18:53You've heard me.
18:53What does that mean?
18:54How do you know?
18:56For ten plus years, I've been a professional voice actor.
18:59Okay.
19:00Now, what would I have heard you say?
19:02Oh, it's all sorts of things.
19:04If you played games.
19:05I've played games.
19:06Okay.
19:07Are you good at video games?
19:09I beg your pardon?
19:10Because that determines where you are.
19:12Oh, are you the final boss only voice?
19:14It's not just that.
19:14It could be commercials, it could be documentaries, like, I could do the commercial for Hami's
19:19tattoo business.
19:19Will you give me one fucking thing that I've heard you do?
19:21Okay.
19:22What do you play?
19:23What's your genre?
19:24Red Dead Redemption 2.
19:26I'm not in that one.
19:26You're not in that one?
19:27I'm not in that one.
19:27I think this, some of these shirts are lies, I'm realizing.
19:31Okay, you two are adoption agents?
19:34We run the puppet adoption agency.
19:36So you sell puppets?
19:38Sure.
19:38Okay.
19:40Why are they lying to me?
19:41I've got to talk to Turtle Cult right now.
19:47What?
19:47I love turtles.
19:48So I've always wanted to be part of a cult as a child.
19:52Of course.
19:53We all do.
19:55Everyone has dreams.
19:56Oh, no, I look at those Heaven's Gate people with their cool Nikes, and I would think,
19:59why not me?
20:01But in graduate school, I realized I can just make my own cult.
20:04Um, so we started this as Turtle Club, and now we, like, do hymns and chants from the
20:11tunnels beneath campus.
20:12Okay.
20:13The tunnels beneath campus?
20:15Do you go to school in Gotham City?
20:18Yes, it's a ball of talkers, everybody.
20:21Guys, I think it's time to kick this up one notch.
20:23And it's time to go to a place where only me and the Yacht Rock King himself, Kenny Loggins,
20:29comfortably reside.
20:31And it's time to go to the Danger Zone.
20:35Bam!
20:37Will the remaining members of the audience please remove your top layers?
20:42Comics, what you are seeing now are our red flags.
20:47These are members of the audience who, for one reason or another, have more challenging
20:54or more dangerous subjects on their shirts.
20:57Your job is simple.
20:59See your red flag shirt, and some way, somehow, make us laugh.
21:04Are you guys ready for this?
21:06Then please, put your hands together for John Marco Ceresi!
21:11Oh, man.
21:15Okay.
21:17Accidental arsonist.
21:19It's so brave of you to remain in L.A.
21:26What happened?
21:27I accidentally burned down my neighbor's yard.
21:31Oh, how?
21:31What do you mean accidentally, though?
21:33We decided to build this really cool Hot Wheels track with a ring of fire, and it got out of
21:39hand.
21:39So, let me tell you about the word accident, because you plan on a fire.
21:46You just plan on it doing exactly what you wanted, which fires do not do.
21:51Did you try to stop it when it happened?
21:53Like, did you get a fire extinguisher?
22:00Is that the sound you were making as it burned the yard?
22:02Ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:04We grabbed a bunch of pots and Tupperware, and...
22:08Classic fire extinguishing moves.
22:11Yep.
22:11And to keep running back and forth.
22:13Okay, so what were the consequences?
22:15Uh, well, the house had just sold that morning.
22:19Oh, shit.
22:20Oh, man.
22:21That is a buried lead.
22:22Yeah, every morning, you could just look out your window, and it's just a charred yard.
22:28And do you live there now?
22:30No, no, no, no.
22:31Okay, you're like, yeah, it's a fucking shithole after what I did to it.
22:33I would never.
22:34This was Tennessee.
22:34Did you have to pay money?
22:35No.
22:36What?
22:37We were kids, and we just said someone threw a cigarette out of a car with us.
22:41Whoa!
22:42Can I ask you, before you came on the show, did you check the statute of limitations?
22:49Because if I had one day almost sold a home 10 years ago, and then saw a fucking dropout
22:54someone talk about they were making a ring of fire, I would find you.
22:59I would try.
23:01Okay.
23:01Daddy issues.
23:03Hit me.
23:04Uh, my dad, uh, faked his death and fled the country.
23:07Oh, my God.
23:09And so, how did he figure, what did he say?
23:11So, he's Irish, so he flew to Ireland, and they have really big cliffs called the Cliffs
23:16of Moor, and so he was like, I'm going off that.
23:19So, how did he stage it, though?
23:21How did he get back to you?
23:22So, my parents had divorced, that's why he...
23:24I, listen, I figured.
23:29So, I was the only one that, like, still talked to him, and so he sent me a voice message
23:32on a black pair.
23:33Just like, oh, I love Ireland!
23:36It was just him, like, crying.
23:38Okay.
23:39And then, and, uh, I went and was like, hey, Mom, what's up with this?
23:42Sure.
23:43And then she, like, brought, like, the whole family around, and we all listened to the
23:45message, and then, like, three or four days later, he started responding to emails.
23:51He only faked his death for three to four days?
23:53Yeah.
23:54Wait, okay, but wait, but the voice memo, did he say in the voice memo, I'm jumping?
23:58Yeah, so he fled his...
24:00He moved to Africa afterwards to become a missionary.
24:02Yeah, we, like, reported it to the Irish police.
24:04How do the Irish police talk?
24:05Like, is it funny?
24:06How do you think the Irish police talk, John Mark?
24:08I, I, uh, no idea.
24:10I can't do it.
24:13If you make fun of me, I'm gonna jump off this stage.
24:18Um, okay.
24:20Uh, oh, your cousin's, uh, Willie.
24:22Yeah, I was, uh, in high school, I catfished my cousin to get a dick pic from him.
24:27Oh, wow, wow, you should, you should jump off a cliff in Ireland.
24:35That's it for John Marko, everybody.
24:40Paul.
24:40Yeah.
24:41Are you ready to rock and roll?
24:42Yeah!
24:43Let's get some red flags, baby, and give it up for Paul, I'm talking.
24:47I gotta talk to Cult Reject.
24:49Let's hear the story.
24:50Okay, so, me and my family were in a cult in Africa, where we had to...
24:58You don't think, what, what does your dad look like?
25:02Does he have an accent of any kind?
25:04Well, but basically, we had to pay, like, a monthly subscription to keep being a part
25:11of the cult.
25:12Exactly.
25:13Cults don't pay for themselves, my friend.
25:15Yeah, that's true.
25:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:16So, we were staff, so we, um, paid them to work for them, like a reverse job.
25:23Yes.
25:24A reverse job.
25:27Now, um, what, can you say the name of the cult?
25:30Uh, I think so.
25:32We can always bleep it out.
25:32Yeah.
25:33But we won't.
25:34It was called Youth with a Mission.
25:37Youth with a Mission.
25:38YWAM.
25:39What, what got you, so you got kicked out of the cult, essentially.
25:42Well, more kind of, like, dropped out.
25:44Dropped out.
25:45Dropped out, yeah.
25:46Can I stop you right there?
25:48I mean, I know how cults go.
25:49Yes.
25:50You weren't really rejected by the cult.
25:53You quit the cult.
25:54We quit, yeah.
25:55Can I say, I'm a little disappointed.
25:57Yeah.
25:58I liked the idea of somebody trying to get into a cult, and the cult saying, you know what,
26:03honestly, we never do this, but no.
26:07We want every youth in the entire world, except for you.
26:11Real quick, leopard tattoo.
26:12You have a tattoo of a leopard?
26:13Uh, no.
26:14Okay.
26:14Okay.
26:14Let's talk to human piñata.
26:21Yeah.
26:21Did somebody beat the shit out of you with bats?
26:24Yeah.
26:24Okay.
26:26Now let me ask you a question.
26:27What did you do?
26:28I went for a piece of candy.
26:30Inside a piñata?
26:32No, I, my, uh...
26:33I was going to say, if you're crawling around inside a piñata, you've got what you deserve.
26:37I was a little kid.
26:38I was six years old.
26:39These other kids had gotten candy, and my dad was up and blindfolded, and, uh, I blacked
26:46out, and my mom was carrying me and holding my scalp together.
26:51Oh, my God.
26:52Did candy fall out?
26:54No.
26:55It makes sense.
26:56What was this occasion?
26:58Um, it was someone's 50th birthday.
27:00Someone's 50th birthday.
27:03Okay, and your mom held your scalp together.
27:05Yeah, she saved my life.
27:06She's the reason I'm alive today.
27:08Oh.
27:08Wow.
27:09I got news for you.
27:10Our mothers are the reasons we're all alive today.
27:12Give it up for Paul and I'm Talkers, everybody.
27:19Jamie Loftus!
27:22I just want to say it's really good that you guys are sitting next to each other.
27:25That's really good, yeah.
27:27If only you'd met sooner, you know.
27:32Okay, uh, Mr. Krabs, not a Marfan.
27:36What does that mean?
27:38So, I, uh, have been hospitalized over a dozen times in my life because of my rare genetic
27:45connective tissue disorder.
27:46Marfan syndrome, including five major surgeries before the age of 22.
27:50Wait, is it true that Osama bin Laden had Marfans?
27:54No.
27:54I don't know.
27:55Okay.
27:57Did you guys have Abe Lincoln?
28:00Is that made up?
28:01They suspect, but you know Jonathan Larson.
28:03Jonathan Larson, yes!
28:04Yes, yes, yes!
28:04That's why he died!
28:05That's why he died!
28:06It's an all-theater kid panel today.
28:09Sorry.
28:09Yes, yes.
28:10Okay.
28:10Chronic loser.
28:12Okay.
28:14What is chronic, what do you mean?
28:15Oh, um, so...
28:16I disagree.
28:16You seem nice.
28:17Oh, yeah, so, uh, since college for the past 15 years, I've competed on five game shows on
28:24television.
28:24Uh-huh.
28:25Uh-huh.
28:25And I've lost them all.
28:27Okay.
28:27And now you've been demoted to audience.
28:29Yes.
28:33We've got to know the game shows.
28:35You know, Wipeout?
28:36Wipeout.
28:37Oh, that's...
28:38Did you hurt yourself?
28:39Yeah, I kind of, like, broke my kidneys.
28:42Oh!
28:43Yeah.
28:43And the next one was called Idiot Test.
28:46You broke your pride.
28:47Yes, you broke your pride.
28:48Broke your spirit.
28:49Right.
28:49Yeah.
28:50Okay.
28:50After that was a show called People Puzzler.
28:53Okay.
28:54Um, and I got to the very last round.
28:56It was the last question.
28:57I got $10,000 on the line.
28:59And then let me guess, you lost.
29:01Yeah.
29:02I get it, I get it, I get it.
29:03Okay.
29:04And then what were the last two?
29:05Uh, Holy Moly.
29:06It was a golf, mini golf show.
29:09Okay.
29:10Uh, I'm not good at that.
29:11Okay.
29:12Yeah.
29:12Why are you here, man?
29:14Is this, like, a kink for you?
29:15I, like, should I, like, come over and hit you?
29:18Like, what are you, what are you doing?
29:20Yeah.
29:21The last one was, uh, Beast Games.
29:24Oh!
29:26Yeah.
29:27Well, okay, okay.
29:28You were on the scary man's TV show?
29:33That is wild.
29:34Does he, like, you have food?
29:36Like, what is going on?
29:37Yeah, it's, no.
29:38Is he really 26?
29:39Because he seems 500.
29:41Like, I just have so many questions about this man.
29:44He seems, like, very personal, and, you know, he, he seemed nice, but there's, like, there's,
29:47like, a...
29:48But he hits you, right?
29:49Like, he hits you.
29:50Like, there's, like, there's, like, a, like, a, like, a dead, deadness there.
29:54Behind the eyes.
29:55Okay, just so you know, you probably signed something there that allows him to kill you
29:58for saying that.
29:59But, like, really, thank you.
30:00You've, you've won for, like, not being killed by Mr. Beast.
30:03Not everybody can say that.
30:05Hot for teacher.
30:07How hot?
30:07Super hot.
30:08Arc Flash hot, because I set my teacher on fire.
30:11Oh!
30:12Wait a second.
30:14740 slices of pizza.
30:15You're swapping with accidental arsonists.
30:17We need to fire people together.
30:20Okay.
30:21Sorry.
30:22This is wild.
30:23I want Fire Eater away from you people.
30:26You set your teacher on fire.
30:28I did.
30:29And so I'm assuming it's, like, what, some Hot Wheels thing, some Hot Wheels bullshit,
30:33and then, oops.
30:34What happened?
30:34Well, it was welding, and...
30:36Oh, that's a, that's a scary fire.
30:39The worst part was I couldn't tell what was going on because the welding mask tints.
30:42So I couldn't see because all you can see is the flash so that you don't go blind.
30:47What is that?
30:47What, did the teacher go, ah?
30:49Like, what happened?
30:49Neither of us noticed, and I smelled something weird, so I stopped.
30:52Wow, that sounds like one of the challenges from Beast Games.
30:55Is that one of the challenges from Beast Games?
30:56This is for Jamie Loftus, everybody.
30:59Yay!
31:00And I'm a fan.
31:02I'm a fan of games.
31:03A little game I like to call Backseat Comics.
31:07Here's what that means.
31:08All three of our comics are coming up to the stage at the same time, y'all,
31:13and they are going to be competing for the mic.
31:15They're going to tap in and out.
31:17And then here's the caveat.
31:19If one of them taps in, the other person has to stop immediately,
31:23and the person coming in has to pick up exactly where they left off.
31:28Now, comics.
31:29That sound good for you?
31:31That sound good for you?
31:33Then for the final time tonight, welcome all three of our comics back to the stage!
31:39Ah!
31:41Ah!
31:41Let's see!
31:44And Jamie, you did so amazing that last round.
31:47I feel like we've got to kick it off with you.
31:49So, Jamie Loftus, the mic is yours!
31:51Okay.
31:51Give it up for Jamie, everybody!
31:55What is hurdy-grady?
31:56What do you think it is?
31:57Oh!
32:00Excuse me!
32:01You're not allowed to do that!
32:05I don't...
32:05I think, okay, here's what is going to happen.
32:08I'm going to say something a little sexual, and you'll say,
32:10actually, it's for seven-year-olds.
32:12You got it.
32:12Okay, great, okay.
32:14Okay, that's all I need to know.
32:16No, no, what is it?
32:18It's a musical instrument.
32:19It's a very rare musical instrument, very popular in France.
32:22Okay.
32:22It started about five years ago when everyone was making sourdough during COVID,
32:26and now I'm...
32:27Yeah, losers, look at you!
32:28What?
32:29I'm now a professional player.
32:31I played on The Witcher, and I play around L.A. all the time.
32:33What?
32:35You say you play around L.A. all the time.
32:38Mm-hmm.
32:39How often do you really play around L.A.?
32:40At least once a month at a bar downtown.
32:43Now, this is my answer.
32:47If a comedian told me I perform all the time around L.A.
32:53Now, why is it not a popular instrument?
32:58That's a really good question.
33:00I think...
33:00You haven't thought about that at all?
33:01You haven't thought about...
33:02We didn't even know the instrument, let alone what it sounded like.
33:05No, it's just not that well known, and the U.S.
33:07It's played by a lot of old white guys in France.
33:09Oh, yeah?
33:10Yeah.
33:10So you're the diversity hire for the Hurdy Gurdy Orchestra?
33:16Incredibles Baby, how much do you make off the roller coaster every year?
33:18I have to know.
33:19I don't remember, but I just...
33:22You're like your parents do, I'm sure.
33:24No, they don't touch the money.
33:27Okay, no, hold on.
33:28That means she has so much money that she doesn't even remember what the roller coaster paid.
33:33No, it was a couple of years ago, because the roller coaster was built recently.
33:36Okay.
33:36But I just got paid...
33:37But what range are we talking to?
33:39I have to know.
33:41Uh...
33:41Was that one of the sounds?
33:45Um, definitely under $10,000.
33:49For a flat payment?
33:51Yeah.
33:51From Walt Disney?
33:52Yeah.
33:53They ripped you off!
33:54Well, I...
33:54Who was your lawyer, baby?
33:57John Markle, tag out Jamie, get in!
34:00Okay, I want to break this couple up.
34:04Okay, um, let's see.
34:06So you're new to the group.
34:07Yeah.
34:08Okay.
34:09So here's how it's going to go.
34:11All right, Michaelmas.
34:14That is a...
34:15An obscure holiday.
34:17Oh, you know.
34:17A religious holiday.
34:18Yeah.
34:18I know of it, yes.
34:19Ooh.
34:20What is your connection to it?
34:22Uh, I found out five years ago that it's a 1,500-year-old holiday, and it's my birthday,
34:26so I'm taking it back.
34:27I torture my friends and family.
34:30So you've turned your birthday into a Michaelmas celebration?
34:33Yes.
34:33Okay.
34:34I've taken it over.
34:34I printed out thousands of postcards that I can't stranger...
34:37Thousands!
34:38Oh!
34:39You can have this if you want me.
34:40I'm good.
34:40But let me ask you...
34:43Okay, good.
34:44All right, let me see the flyer.
34:45Yeah, there you go.
34:48Michaelmas is a 1,500-year-old holiday celebrating the Archangel Michael.
34:52Because it falls near the equinox, it is traditionally treated as a harvest festival in the beginning
34:56of autumn.
34:57It also happens to be my birthday.
34:59And since my name is Michael, it's just me and J.C. with us holidays named after us.
35:08I'm taking it back.
35:09I think it would be even funnier if someone's name was Jesus and they were born on Christmas
35:16and said, I'm actually taking this back.
35:20And had to be clear that they weren't the second coming of Christ.
35:22They were the first of just themselves.
35:25May I also point out, you're not taking it back.
35:29It's taking you.
35:31You're aware of that.
35:34That's fine.
35:34All right.
35:36I also want to bully this man.
35:42At this point in history, is this what white guys have to do to be...
35:48This is your thing?
35:50This is your thing?
35:51I like that there is a selfie with you and your dog here.
35:53I like the font choices.
35:55What did you do for your birthday before this?
35:57And was it less annoying?
35:59Yeah.
36:00Yeah.
36:00Okay, what did you do?
36:01Boring white guy birthdays.
36:02Some of them, yeah, just nothing.
36:04And now it's a real festive.
36:05And now it's like a wet card you hand them.
36:07Yeah.
36:07All right.
36:10Stuffed animal lover, you know, recently relocated.
36:13It's actually, I'm a taxidermist.
36:14Oh my God!
36:16But, yeah, and I went to Italy to learn for two weeks.
36:23Okay, I've taxidermied a mouse before.
36:26Okay.
36:26There's not a lot you can do with it.
36:27It was in a class.
36:28I didn't do it like on my own freestyle.
36:31What?
36:31But people pay you to do it?
36:34I've been paid to do it, yes.
36:35Okay, so is it a lot of people whose pets have died and they send it in and you stuff it?
36:39I don't like to do pets.
36:40Yeah?
36:41You ever send Fido back with three legs?
36:44No?
36:45What's the weirdest thing you've been asked to make, though?
36:47So, I'm relatively, I'm like amateur taxidermists.
36:50Okay, me too.
36:51Yeah.
36:53For?
36:54How hot was his cousin, dude?
36:57I think he's pretty hot.
36:58I feel like he looked like me in a way where I was like.
37:00Isn't that always, isn't that always what it is?
37:02No.
37:03Something about him.
37:04I don't know what it is.
37:05Yeah, no.
37:05Well, it didn't start with the cousin.
37:07It actually was because I was trying to catfish the guys in my school.
37:10So, it didn't start out weird.
37:11Yeah.
37:12Totally normal.
37:13And then I was like, oh, my cousin's kind of hot.
37:14I actually want to try it with him.
37:16So, I never.
37:16First, second cousin?
37:17How far?
37:18First cousin.
37:19First cousin?
37:19Okay.
37:20Yeah.
37:21Was this.
37:23He's about to restrain and detain you.
37:25To be fair, I never got a picture from anybody, but I did flirt.
37:30That is fair.
37:31But I tried.
37:32And I flirted with them a little bit, but it was just all I needed to give you a little satisfaction.
37:35And did your cousin ever discover that this happened?
37:37No.
37:38Did you communicate for a little bit?
37:40Yeah.
37:41Just by not getting the pic?
37:41Just communicating, yeah.
37:43How old were you both at the time?
37:44I was 15, and he probably was like 19.
37:46Oh, God.
37:48Oh, my God.
37:50Oh, my God.
37:52I think he might be a bad person.
37:54I was just like.
37:56I was 15.
37:59Not only are you a bad person, you're bad at being a bad person.
38:04Because, like, what do you, best case scenario, you get a picture of your cousin's dick.
38:07Like, how is that a win?
38:09I was 15 and curious.
38:11I genuinely, sitting over there, I was like, well, at least we don't need to hear how that
38:15story ended.
38:18Well, there, okay.
38:19Tiger Queen, what's going on?
38:22What's the twist?
38:22Well, now I feel really bad sending this to a bad tooth, because I pulled a tooth out
38:26of a tiger.
38:26Oh, my God.
38:28Okay, this is a healing table.
38:30This is a healing table.
38:32Are you a tiger dentist?
38:33Like, what is your, what is that job?
38:34I'm a veterinary technician.
38:35Oh, have you ever seen a horse dental procedure?
38:38I have not.
38:39Okay, yeah.
38:40Because once I saw, I went to horse camp once, and I had to watch, they were like, before
38:44you can ride the horse, you need to see it get a dental procedure.
38:47Taxidermy, what's the biggest animal you've ever taxidermied?
38:53Um, a red fox.
38:54So, it's small.
38:55That's, I mean, that's pretty, that's pretty big.
38:57I went to, uh, have you, have you taken taxidermy classes in Los Angeles?
39:01Mm-hmm.
39:02Everyone is so hot in those classes.
39:04There's like, I took, I, I, I taxidermied a bird once, and I really, I thought that I
39:09was going to like, be walking among my people.
39:11The starling?
39:12The starling.
39:12Everyone is so hot in that class.
39:13Everyone is so sexy, and what, David, let's tag you all, John Marko, get back in there.
39:18I want to talk to big family.
39:21Big family.
39:22Uh, uh, how are you related?
39:24Oh, uh, we're part of an eight-person trans being kitchen table polycule that all lives
39:28together.
39:28I assumed.
39:30Um, has there been anyone in your life who the deal breaker was the kitchen table part
39:35of that?
39:36No, well, the kitchen table kind of goes along with living together.
39:39What does that mean, kitchen table?
39:41In polyamory terms, a kitchen table polycule is a polycule in which all of the people in
39:46it get along and could hypothetically share a meal or a board game around a kitchen table.
39:50As opposed to a regular polycule where no one gets along at all.
39:54They're a solo poly, where no one knows their, their metamors.
39:58Oh, boy, I need a pen.
40:00Um...
40:01That's it for our round, everybody!
40:07It's time for you all to do the job that you came here to do.
40:16And it's time for you to choose a winner.
40:18Who is going to win a golden drink ticket?
40:22Ooh...
40:24Ah...
40:28There you go, my man.
40:30There you go, my man.
40:31That's right.
40:33The winner is going to win a golden drink ticket to our world-renowned bar.
40:38Whoever you hoop and holler and applause for the loudest is going to be the winner.
40:43We're about to choose that winner right now.
40:45So please, if you feel the winner of tonight's episode is Mr. Paul F. Tompkins, make some noise!
40:56If you think it's Jamie Loftus, make some noise!
41:03And if we feel the winner of tonight's episode of Crowd Control is John Marko, make some noise!
41:08The winner of tonight's episode of Crowd Control and two-time Crowd Control Cat champion,
41:21Give it up and jump, Marko!
41:22Come on, everybody!
41:24Come on, love!
41:26You get the drink ticket.
41:29That is to our world-renowned bar, which is now closed for tonight, my friend.
41:35Which means that his last call for us here is Crowd Control.
41:40I'm your host, Jackie S. Neal.
41:42Hey, remember to tip your bartenders, drive home safe, and listen.
41:46If it ain't broke, it's not really a comic.
41:49Good night, everybody!
41:50Have a good night!
41:53First of all, I wanted to just say, are both of your dads alive?
41:56Yes.
41:56I don't like you.
41:57Mine's dead.
41:57I only had one!
42:01My man.
42:02My man.
42:03Two-time winner, my friend.
42:05Thank you all.
42:07Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for you to put your seatbelts on.
42:10Remember, if the masks come down, put yours on first.
42:14We are going to get to our destination in one piece.
42:16If you need some free peanuts, talk to me.
42:18Or if you need some loving, talk to me.
42:27Yes.
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