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Crowd Control (2025) Season 1 Episode 4 Full HD English Sub
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Transcript
00:00Welcome to Crowd Control, the improvised stand-up show where the audience is the material.
00:08On tonight's lineup, from lower-classy, middle-classy, and now upper-classy, it's Cristela Alonzo.
00:16From Platonic on Apple TV+, it's Guy Branagh.
00:21Her special, Father, is now on Hulu and Disney+, it's Atsuko Okatsuka.
00:26And here's your host, Jacquees Meehl.
00:33What up, what up, what up, what up?
00:36What's up, everybody?
00:39Welcome to Crowd Control.
00:42Tonight, I have three of my favorite comedians here to turn your lives into stand-up comedy.
00:49And they're gonna do that by doing some good old-fashioned crowd work.
00:53Let's say what's up to them.
00:54What's up, you three?
00:54How y'all doing?
00:56Yeah!
00:59Yeah!
01:02Cristela Alonzo.
01:03Yes.
01:03Easy question.
01:04Yes.
01:05Best crowd ever.
01:06Go.
01:06Right now.
01:07Damn.
01:09What's up, Guy?
01:10How you doing tonight?
01:11I'm doing all right.
01:12You're doing all right.
01:14Yeah.
01:14I'm keeping my energy at a low-medium level.
01:16Right there.
01:17So that I meet the crowd where they are.
01:19There you go!
01:24Atsuko!
01:25Atsuko, you're all over the place.
01:32I saw you on, like, a...
01:33A granola bar.
01:34There it is.
01:35There it is.
01:36Yes, granola.
01:37Yes.
01:38I feel like I'm on Price is Right.
01:40Everything's like, yes.
01:41Yeah.
01:43Excited to have you.
01:44Have fun.
01:45Good luck to all three of you guys.
01:46These are our comedians!
01:50I think it's time for them to meet you all.
01:53I am going to bring each comic up here one by one.
01:56And each round throughout this show, they are going to go until I give them the red light.
02:02Bam!
02:03I just thought I impressed you look.
02:07You look good.
02:07So, put your hands together, get loud, everybody, and welcome to the stage, Christella Alonzo!
02:15You guys almost look like a great crowd.
02:26Can I just say, I love your lumberjack vibe.
02:29Do we lumberjack at all?
02:30I am a project manager.
02:31That's a great way of saying, what?
02:35Like, that's not even an answer.
02:37Like, what industry?
02:39I mean, it's, uh, engineers.
02:41You know that I've actually dated a lot of engineers.
02:43They're so my type.
02:45Do you know, do you know?
02:46We're married.
02:47I love it because you, both of you look like you're a couple, like, like a quarter of the
02:52Wiggles, you know?
02:54Like, I love your Crayola vibe.
02:56You're just like, like, I see both of you and I want to learn numbers and shapes.
03:00Like, you know what I mean?
03:02It's, like, fantastic.
03:04How did you meet?
03:05We played board games.
03:07Oh, my God.
03:08I'm a board game person.
03:10What's, what's the game?
03:11What game brought you together and you're like, oh, my God, this is the guy?
03:15Star Wars Imperial Assault.
03:21Oh, my God.
03:23Stop bragging about how cool you are.
03:26So, what happened?
03:27Tell me about it.
03:28Well, I was married to someone else at the time.
03:30Whoa.
03:31Oh.
03:32Oh.
03:34We're going into the dark side.
03:36So, you were married.
03:37So, you're Darth Vader.
03:39More like my Han Solo, but my ex-husband's Darth Vader.
03:42Oh, my God.
03:45So, is anybody here miserably single?
03:48Anybody?
03:50How long have you been single?
03:52Unless you count the situationship, like, four years.
03:55What made you say no to the situationship?
03:58Like, it made sense because he had, like, three and a half jobs, but also at the time.
04:02Wait, how do you have three and a half jobs?
04:05That half is, like, his art stuff that he does.
04:07And the other stuff is he, like, works at an art store.
04:10Anyway, it doesn't matter.
04:11Oh, the man stringing you along works at an art store?
04:14We're all shocked.
04:18And that's a full job.
04:20Are you the one that ended it?
04:21Uh, yeah.
04:22Because I was like, I can't keep doing this to myself.
04:24But you keep going back.
04:26Leave me alone.
04:29Pristella, everybody.
04:30That's Pristella.
04:31Make some noise for Gary Brandon!
04:42It's stuck.
04:43Young man, what is your name?
04:45Sam.
04:45Sam, I am uncomfortable with the rosiness level of your cheeks.
04:48I'm so sorry.
04:49This morning, you were clearly like, let me put on the teal.
04:52Let's turn these cheeks into headlights.
04:54Sam, do you have a medical condition?
04:58Is there something we should know?
04:59I'm not used to seeing this level of cheek rosiness on anyone
05:02who isn't, like, a little girl with pigtails skipping.
05:06Um, I'm from the Midwest and I'm wearing Spanx.
05:08You are a homosexual, right?
05:11Thank God!
05:12Those cheeks would have been wasted on a straight man.
05:15There's nothing more tragic than when there's, like,
05:17a straight guy and he's, like, 5'8 and has beautiful eyes.
05:20And you're like, oh, I'm so sorry,
05:22because women don't respect you,
05:24but you could be a king in my world.
05:27Young man, what is your name?
05:29Mike.
05:29Mike, you appear to not be having a wonderful time.
05:32Everyone else here is very energetic and enthusiastic.
05:35You're clearly just desperate for someone to pay attention to you.
05:38You're clearly, like, let me seem mysterious,
05:41then they'll talk to me.
05:42And Sam, let me say, it's working.
05:47You have a lot of hand and wrist jewelry.
05:49I do.
05:50What's your name?
05:51Sid.
05:51Sid, you have very light hands.
05:53Are you concerned that they might just, like, float up
05:55and you need to weigh them down to some extent?
05:58I think part of my blood might be helium.
06:00It's, like, a preventative measure.
06:01That doesn't seem like a sincere problem to me.
06:04That seems like something you made of,
06:06do we have scientists here?
06:08What is your name?
06:10My name is Roger.
06:11Roger, are you a scientist?
06:13Studying, yeah.
06:14Roger, I called for a scientist in the house,
06:17and you quite...
06:18No, it's too late.
06:21And this lady is obviously a scientist
06:23who has time traveled from the 40s,
06:25where she was working on the Manhattan Project
06:27and accidentally got caught up in an electrical charge
06:30and transported to the year 2025,
06:33where she has to find a way out.
06:34But then she falls in love with someone and is like,
06:37do I want to go back to the 40s?
06:40What kind of scientist are you?
06:43I'm studying to be an environmental scientist.
06:45Is there any likelihood that part of this woman's blood
06:48is helium?
06:49Not legs.
06:49Then we're good.
06:51What is your name?
06:52Derek.
06:53Derek, what are you doing
06:55when confronting male pattern baldness?
06:57Oh, I'm embracing it.
06:58You're embracing it?
06:59Yeah.
06:59That's beautiful.
07:00I was concerned that he would be uncomfortable,
07:02and I would have to remind him
07:03that this is a path that I have already gone through.
07:05I am already out on the other side,
07:07and I want to say our lives are simpler.
07:09Our lives are gentler.
07:11She wakes up in the morning.
07:12She's got a job ahead of her.
07:14We just got our daze, you know?
07:17I can do anything.
07:18She's got to be curling and setting,
07:20and God knows what products from the 40s
07:22you can't get now.
07:25Hello.
07:26Hello.
07:27What is your name?
07:28A.E.
07:29A.E., I love your top.
07:30It's very colorful,
07:31but you have the rainbow wrists
07:33and the rainbow hood,
07:34and the rest of it is not rainbow.
07:35And I wanted to know
07:36if only your head and wrists are gay.
07:39I mean, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Friday.
07:41No.
07:42Okay.
07:43Sam, here's what A.E. did right.
07:45Here's what A.E. did wrong.
07:46All right?
07:49I asked the question,
07:50and A.E. let it sit, okay?
07:53A.E. let there be a moment of drama and concern.
07:56We all wanted to know what was going on,
07:58and then A.E. attempted to do,
08:00let's be honest, material.
08:02You're out of crowd work, show A.E.
08:04That's Guy Bradham, everybody.
08:06Thank you so much.
08:11Please welcome to the stage,
08:13A.E. let's go!
08:22Hello, beautifuls.
08:23Hello.
08:24I'm a different energy.
08:27I don't do this.
08:29I don't do this.
08:30But I was feeling you all out.
08:32I was watching.
08:32I was like,
08:32this is a group of people
08:33that are very, you know,
08:35self-assured.
08:36You know yourself so well, right?
08:39No problem, right?
08:39These are the group of friends
08:41that I need, you know?
08:43It's very,
08:43you're giving very submissive energy.
08:47Very sub,
08:48very dom-me, dom-me energy
08:50is what I'm getting.
08:51And what's wild,
08:52that's my energy, too.
08:54And so it's very,
08:56I mean, it's sub on sub.
08:57I don't know.
08:58Usually, right,
08:59we repel,
09:00we will,
09:02like, you know,
09:03we repel against each other,
09:04so I don't know
09:05how this is gonna go, right?
09:07Well, unless,
09:08are there any, like,
09:09self-proclaimed doms in here?
09:13Sorry, I was looking one way,
09:15and I was looking at you,
09:16okay, just because,
09:17I don't know if it was
09:18a septum piercing, maybe.
09:21What makes you that, I guess?
09:23I'm just more dominant in general,
09:25like, dating, sex,
09:27like, that's just...
09:28Oh, okay!
09:29Yeah, yeah.
09:30And the way you said it
09:32in such a calm way
09:33was pretty, pretty frightening.
09:36I was, I would...
09:37Who has a thought?
09:42Oh, yes, yes thought.
09:44Um, well, when I learned
09:46how to swim in high school,
09:48and I learned
09:49by joining the swim team.
09:51So, how does your school work?
09:53How does that team work?
09:54Well, I think we were
09:55really bad, uh,
09:57and they were like,
09:57oh, okay, so, Stephanie,
10:01um, swim a 50,
10:02and I said,
10:03I don't know what that means,
10:04and they said,
10:05just swim there,
10:05and then back,
10:06and I said,
10:07I don't know how to swim.
10:08Wow.
10:08And then they said,
10:09oh.
10:10They said,
10:11you're a varsity bitch.
10:14Okay, I love that.
10:15I love an all-is-welcome situation.
10:18What was the motivation
10:19for you to join
10:21such a team?
10:22I really just wanted
10:24to learn how to swim.
10:25Oh, I see, right,
10:26and so you were like,
10:27if with enough pressure,
10:28swim on this.
10:31I love a forced learner.
10:33Someone else had a thought.
10:34Yes?
10:34I like your nails.
10:36Oh, thank you so much.
10:37I have shrimp on my nails.
10:38I have pizza on my nails.
10:40See?
10:40I love all this situation.
10:41Am I doing this right?
10:44Okay.
10:44Okay.
10:45Okay.
10:45What do you do?
10:50I'll ask that question.
10:51I'm a teacher.
10:51Oh, incredible.
10:52What do you teach?
10:53Yes, yes, teacher.
10:56Yes, teacher.
10:58I teach music.
10:59So you know
11:00multiple instruments.
11:01Yeah.
11:01Right?
11:02What would you say
11:03is your main one?
11:04Percussion.
11:05So any percussion,
11:06I can go,
11:07maracas, go,
11:08and you would be able to?
11:10Yeah.
11:10Oh, incredible.
11:11And what do you do?
11:13I'm actually also a teacher.
11:17The energy.
11:18Wow.
11:18And what do you teach?
11:19Uh, I'm a traveling sex education teacher.
11:22Woo!
11:22Oh, my God.
11:24Wow.
11:25Uh, hey.
11:28Hey, he's still here.
11:30Okay.
11:31Ah!
11:32Horny energy.
11:33Ah!
11:33Sex.
11:35Music matters, too.
11:37That's not so cool!
11:38Yay!
11:39Yay!
11:40Yay!
11:40How did our comics do?
11:44How did our comics do right there?
11:46Yay!
11:46Yay!
11:46Yay!
11:46Yeah!
11:48Yeah!
11:48I think they did fantastic,
11:50and they've earned a little something.
11:53Audience, remove your top layer.
11:57There it is!
11:59Taking it all!
12:01Comics, what you are seeing in front of you
12:03are folks that are here
12:05for a very fascinating reason.
12:08All you gotta do is pick a shirt
12:10and make us laugh.
12:12It's as simple as that.
12:13Atsuko, get on stage and rock and roll!
12:21Oh, my goodness.
12:22Okay, I like this.
12:23I like this.
12:24Sorry, reading Octopus Fight Club.
12:27I'm just gonna read some of them out loud,
12:28so you know who you're amongst, okay?
12:31Disney Awakening.
12:32Ooh.
12:32See?
12:33You are corny.
12:34This is all.
12:35Bone Crusher?
12:36Come on, okay?
12:38Calm down.
12:39How quickly you took off your shirts,
12:41you were like,
12:41yes!
12:44Rosicrucian.
12:45What is a rosicrucian?
12:47Uh, technically speaking,
12:48I am a member of a secret society.
12:49Not so secret anymore.
12:52Camera there, camera there, camera there,
12:54camera there, camera there.
12:55Please, expose yourself.
12:56It's a nationwide.
12:57It's kind of like a, um, um...
12:59I don't feel like you have to be much of a secret.
13:01No.
13:02I mean, I feel like it's pretty, right?
13:03It's pretty chill, unless, are there crimes?
13:05You know, I don't know.
13:07There are things that I can't say,
13:09hence, secret society.
13:10Okay, she's a criminal.
13:14There are crimes.
13:15Okay, uh, speaking of,
13:17there's a cult sampler.
13:18Basically, I did freelance work for cults
13:21three times by accident.
13:23Oh, we've all been there.
13:25You know, this city.
13:26The rent?
13:27With this economy?
13:29Oh my gosh, right?
13:31What was it?
13:32Just background work for Scientology?
13:33Well, yes.
13:34Oh.
13:35Excuse me.
13:36Excuse me.
13:37We've all been there.
13:38Okay.
13:39Oh.
13:42Extreme dental?
13:43It's like regular dental, but on a snowboard.
13:48Is it like that?
13:49Is that extreme dental?
13:50I wish.
13:52What happened with extreme dental?
13:54Uh, I got my wisdom teeth out while fully conscious.
13:56Is that not how they typically do it?
14:00Because you did the same?
14:01Yeah.
14:02Oh.
14:03Are we at the same dental office?
14:05Yeah.
14:06Is it Pasadena?
14:07Exactly.
14:08Okay.
14:09If it's in Pasadena, it might be the one I went to.
14:11Oh.
14:12Okay.
14:13Wow.
14:14Wow.
14:15Hey.
14:16Thank you for supporting Asian Americans in the arts.
14:18Oh.
14:19For the love of DILFs.
14:20Show me for the love of DILFs.
14:21How many?
14:22How many DILFs?
14:23There were like eight in the house.
14:24Which house?
14:25It was this mansion in Fort Lauderdale.
14:26Mm-hmm.
14:27Yes.
14:28Yes.
14:29Yes, we love.
14:30Yes.
14:31He's got a small business.
14:32Me and Guy Brennan have a lot of demographic there.
14:33It was a TV show.
14:34Are you going to keep answering in just two words at a time?
14:35How's it Fort Lauderdale?
14:36It was a TV show.
14:37Are you going to keep answering in just two words at a time?
14:39How's it Fort Lauderdale?
14:40There were eight of them.
15:06There were eight of them.
15:12DILFs, yeah.
15:15So the show works like you go into a house,
15:17and then there are multiple DILFs to choose from,
15:20and were you like, were you, are you like the Bachelorette?
15:23Is that how it works?
15:25Is that?
15:26I wish.
15:27Okay.
15:28There were like eight daddies and then eight himbos.
15:30I was a himbo.
15:31Okay, got it.
15:32And Stormy Daniels was the host.
15:34But how did it work out for you?
15:35Oh, I was eliminated first.
15:37You were?
15:38Oh!
15:39Now that's, can you tell us why you got kicked off first?
15:42I caused a lot of drama.
15:43You did?
15:44Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
15:46Okay.
15:47I wasn't the villain.
15:48I was likable.
15:49I just tried to break up everybody.
15:50No, sweetie, we know.
15:51Villains stayed the whole season, okay?
15:54Villains.
15:55That's Oscar, everybody!
16:01Let's keep this going!
16:03What is your name?
16:04Phoenix.
16:05Of course it is Phoenix.
16:06Phoenix, first of all, let's be clear.
16:07I am not flirting with you.
16:08I do not identify as a DILF.
16:09I am an oom-imp, an uncle I might pity.
16:10But first of all, Phoenix, I want to say you're amazing at the audience part of crowd work.
16:25But first of all, Phoenix, I want to say you're amazing at the audience part of crowd work.
16:30Phoenix always leaves you wanting more, always leaving you with a question, a shadow you want to investigate.
16:37The rest of you are just vomiting out your sad, pathetic lives.
16:41We all had our wisdom teeth out without general anesthesia.
16:45It's not an appendix.
16:48But Phoenix, you built a mystery and I'm so proud of you.
16:51And I wonder how someone so smart could be so dumb about the general work of finding yourself a sugar daddy.
16:56This is Los Angeles. Just go to Fiesta and take your shirt off.
17:00There are many men there who could provide you with a nice living.
17:04I work across the street.
17:05I'm not surprised.
17:09How sad were you when you pulled off your little overcoats and things
17:15and you had already told your whole fucking board game couple story?
17:20And there are two of you and you have the same fucking shirt.
17:23You have nothing.
17:24You have blown your load.
17:28Mystery.
17:31Pageant Bean, what is your name?
17:33Joe.
17:34Joe, I had such hope for you because here in the front, it's just jewel-eyed twinks as far as the eye can see.
17:43And I thought, maybe there is one with some reproductive capability that we can pair with the woman from the past.
17:51Are you of the heterosexual persuasion?
17:54I'm not, no.
17:55No, so what kind of a pageant were you in?
17:57Also, please be brief. I'm not here for your life story. I'm here for a set up so I can be funny about it.
18:03I compete in gay male pageants.
18:05Uh, I mean, I think all of being a gay male is a pageant.
18:08Have you seen Phoenix?
18:13There's no off position and she's not looking for Miss Congeniality.
18:18Have you been successful?
18:20Uh, somewhat.
18:21Okay, tell us the titles that you have. But again, he did the right job. He created a sense of mystery by saying somewhat and forcing me to lean in.
18:31Um, I am ultimately still hitting on that guy, but I'm just talking to you so he'll say, why aren't I interesting enough anymore?
18:39So I was first alternate to Mr. Gay California.
18:41The loser. You were a noteworthy loser of Mr. Gay California.
18:45Correct.
18:46Correct.
18:47Did you ever consider just like, you know, Mr. Gay California has an accident and then you get to take over the role?
18:52Lots of things can happen to a gay guy. Oops, there was something in his ketamine, you know?
18:59So I have a question for you then. If we now know this about you, why are you still wearing your shirt?
19:04I can take it off.
19:05Yes, let's do that.
19:09Work from the bottom. Work from the bottom.
19:12I want to say thank you for not wearing a belt because nothing says I have an ass that can hold up my pants.
19:24I'm not wearing a belt.
19:27Phoenix, you committed to those pants?
19:30We'll just see how the evening takes us.
19:33I think you either get that hair or octopus fight club, not both.
19:37What is your octopus fight club?
19:40Um, so in grad school I need money.
19:42As we all did, as we all did.
19:44And so Joe got into pageants.
19:47And I got into making octopuses and moray eels interact.
19:52Oh, wow. So cross-species action?
19:56Everyone leave the room except for Phoenix.
19:59That's good for Adam there.
20:01How about we keep this thing going for Cristela Alonzo!
20:13You know, I'm already catching, let's see, Colt Sampler, we talked to you, but like I'm a Catholic and I need to know what is Exorcist about? I love that movie.
20:22Um, I have performed over 50 exorcisms in my life.
20:25What? Are you a priest?
20:28No.
20:30Wait, so you go rogue and do these exorcists?
20:33Well, I didn't really understand that I had this ability until I walked into haunted houses and accidentally unhaunted them.
20:41You're like, there's a ghost. No, it's not. It's a curtain.
20:44Like, how do you unhaunt a house?
20:47Well, part of it is just the energy of the beings that used to live there, but they don't realize that they're dead.
20:53So, something keeps them there.
20:56So, sometimes when I walk into that house, unfortunately my aura hurts them, so they kind of need to leave.
21:02Tell me a little bit about the worst one.
21:05Going to a place where a ghost was sexually assaulting this person.
21:13How do you know it's doing it?
21:14Because she reports that there is pressure, um, in a certain area, and she's unable to get up from the bed.
21:21Oh.
21:23So, uh, um, I went up the stairs and it kept trying to throw me down the set of stairs by just pressure.
21:28Like, you actually felt like...
21:31Yeah. Um, so luckily I had my grandfather's sword because it's full of faith.
21:35I'm sorry. Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
21:38When does season two of your life come out?
21:40This guy. Oh my God, that's amazing!
21:44That's Crisella, everybody!
21:45This show is about to enter into the danger zone.
21:57Bam!
21:59Will the remaining members of Maudeus please remove your top layer?
22:03Comics!
22:09Here is what is happening!
22:12We have revealed our red flags.
22:15These are members of our audience who have more challenging or more dangerous to touch subjects on their shirts.
22:22And it is on you to choose them and make us laugh.
22:26Let's keep this train going, everybody!
22:27Please welcome to the stage, Guy Branagh!
22:39Remind me of your name, little boy.
22:41Mike.
22:43Mike, so you suffered from scarlet fever at some point in time?
22:46Yeah, when I was four.
22:47Is this something for which we have an immunization?
22:49And did your mom choose not to get you an immunization because of her participation in a cult that that lady might know about?
22:55I don't know. I think it's...
22:59Don't you think you of all people should know?
23:02Mike, you've self-identified as the audience's representative of scarlet fever.
23:06Don't you think at this point in time, of all points in time, we need people with facts?
23:11Can I get an amen, student scientist?
23:14Absolutely!
23:18I asked for an amen and he said absolutely, which is a great scientist response.
23:22You got scarlet fever when you were four. Were you and your parents traveling through the Congo?
23:29No.
23:30Then what came out of it? Did you die?
23:32I...
23:33Is he a spirit?
23:37No, he's real.
23:39Okay. I'll be the judge of that, okay?
23:42Scientist boy, you also died?
23:44Not quite, but I shouldn't.
23:45Okay.
23:47Well, no, you gotta lean into it, okay?
23:50You're the one who's supposed to be creating a sense of drama.
23:52I ultimately don't care.
23:54I'm still just excited that Joe has his shirt off.
23:57You need to sell me on, oh, this matters so much.
24:01How should you be dead?
24:03We all should be dead.
24:05Life is very improbable.
24:06All of you had to survive millions of years of evolution and you're here magically.
24:12We all should just be like, you know, awkward cum stains on the side of a rock.
24:17But you managed to make it and I'm so proud of all of you.
24:25But how should you have died?
24:26Well, I took this ginger over here on a hike on my favorite trail and proceeded to fall off a mountain.
24:32Oh, you went on a hike and you tripped?
24:35I'm shocked.
24:37You fell off a mountain.
24:38What was the mountain?
24:39How high was the mountain?
24:40I fell about 60 feet into a creek because the ground gave out under me.
24:43Okay, clear details.
24:44Clear details.
24:46Also, I asked how high was the mountain and clearly our environmental scientist doesn't know how high a mountain should be.
24:53Because he could have given me an actual, like, concrete height.
24:58But he gave me a different number so I felt satisfied.
25:01So we're just gonna...
25:02So you fell 60 feet.
25:04Did you break any bones?
25:06I broke three.
25:07I broke both of my arms.
25:08This one was broken so badly that every time it moved for the first bit I would scream, which is what this big scar is.
25:12Okay.
25:13Because I was late in here.
25:14Tells me about the weather.
25:15I also broke part of my skull.
25:16Okay.
25:17Bone Crusher, are all of those bones?
25:18Yeah, I have.
25:20Checks out.
25:21Checks out.
25:22Is falling off of the mountain the worst thing that's ever happened to you?
25:25I have to assume I don't remember.
25:26Oh, you...
25:29That's a good answer.
25:31And wasn't material.
25:32It wasn't...
25:33It was him riffing in the moment.
25:36Um, and I just wanna say, if falling off of a mountain is the worst thing that's ever happened to you, your parents need to try harder.
25:44Like, I'm gonna say that you should be wearing a shirt that says, parents with uninteresting marriage.
25:51The Sky Branham, everybody!
25:55Let's keep it hot!
25:57With Cristela Alonzo!
25:59Hold on.
26:00Oh my...
26:01Wait.
26:02Struck by lightning?
26:03Yeah.
26:04Shut up.
26:06How old?
26:07I was 14.
26:08You were 14?
26:09No wonder you wear the jewelry.
26:11Oh my God.
26:12What were you doing?
26:13Hiking with him?
26:14My God was actually trying to teach me how to surf.
26:16You got hit by lightning, like, while you were surfing?
26:18Yeah.
26:19You're such a Brady Bunch episode.
26:20It's not even funny!
26:21Wow.
26:22Like, and you're a corpse cleaner?
26:23Correct.
26:25Yeah, that's boring and has...
26:26I don't need any more.
26:27That is so common.
26:29And what does your shirt say?
26:30Um, missing uncle.
26:31What's going on?
26:32To me?
26:33Oh my God.
26:34Oh my God.
26:35Oh my God.
26:36What were you doing?
26:37What were you doing?
26:38Hiking with him?
26:39Oh my God.
26:40What were you doing?
26:41Hiking with him?
26:42My God was actually trying to teach me how to surf.
26:43What does your shirt say?
26:44Um, missing uncle.
26:45What's going on?
26:46Tell me about it.
26:47Well, great news.
26:48He's found.
26:49Oh.
26:50Okay.
26:52So basically you can just cover the top word on your shirt.
26:57Okay, so tell me what happened.
26:59So my uncle decided at an older age, he's I think 30 years older than me, at an older age
27:06to just leave his whole family and no one could ever find him.
27:11Like phone disconnected, GPS off.
27:14It's like night movers in Japan.
27:17Yes.
27:18Yes.
27:19They have like a whole industry in Japan called night movers.
27:21And basically you're like, I'm done with life.
27:23They come in and just like erase you.
27:26And no one can ever find you.
27:28How did you find him?
27:30One day we decided to Google him and found his house and we just knocked on the door.
27:34And then he opened it and then said, oh shit.
27:36And then.
27:37Oh shit.
27:38No way.
27:39Oh shit.
27:40I'm sorry, but what kind of trusting person opens the door to anyone?
27:44I get a door knock and I'm like, oh fuck, Jehovah's Witness.
27:47Like, oh my God.
27:48Oh my God.
27:49Now I have to look at you cause you, I see shark attack.
27:52Yeah.
27:53Not me.
27:54Who was attacked?
27:55A relative of mine.
27:57Did they survive?
27:59No.
28:00Oh.
28:01Jesus Christ.
28:03You fucking people are weird.
28:06You are like a hot topic store that came to life.
28:11The shark attack and you were hit by lightning and oh my God.
28:17They probably died and he cleaned up your fucking relative and your uncle's disappearing.
28:23Jesus.
28:24And you're a devilish dream.
28:25What is this?
28:26Uh, over the course of a month when I was 13, I was possessed twice.
28:31And then he showed up with his sword.
28:33That's Priscilla everybody.
28:39Let's keep it going.
28:43For Oscar.
28:48Wow.
28:50Oh, the trauma.
28:53Oh my goodness.
28:54I'm so glad we are here together today.
28:58Oh my goodness.
29:00Um, yeah, uh, possessed.
29:02Yeah.
29:03The first one was at a, uh, church sleepover.
29:06Yeah.
29:07Which I didn't think you could get possessed in churches.
29:09They enter churches too?
29:11Yeah.
29:12Okay.
29:13Uh, the second one was at a haunted ranch house.
29:16And you were the only one that got hit?
29:18Yeah.
29:19And do you remember what happened?
29:21I was with Girl Scouts.
29:23Okay.
29:24Girl Scouts.
29:25Okay.
29:26Apparently, during the middle of the night, I sat up straight, turned around, and looked
29:36through a hallway that we were, that was abandoned, that we were not allowed to go into, and I shouted
29:41out, Victoria!
29:42Oh.
29:43And then I collapsed.
29:44Oh.
29:45Collapsed.
29:46And then, uh, like fell back asleep, or just like, more like?
29:49Just collapsed.
29:50Collapsed.
29:51And then people woke me up.
29:52Do, do we know who Victoria is?
29:55I don't know.
29:56You don't know.
29:57Okay.
29:58So that was possession number one.
29:59And then what?
30:00That, that entity left?
30:01I, I assume?
30:02I don't know.
30:03So it's not like, it's not like a period in your life.
30:07Well, I don't, how often are you shouting Victoria?
30:10Are you still shouting Victoria?
30:11No.
30:12No.
30:13Then maybe, you know, it was just a momentary, like, this person, this, this entity was like,
30:18we need to find this bitch.
30:20Yeah.
30:21Right?
30:22Is there a chance it's like a nightmare?
30:25You know what I mean?
30:26No.
30:27No.
30:28Wait, you know what?
30:29I'm gonna ask, let's ask the exorcist.
30:30Okay, I'm sorry.
30:31No, I believe you.
30:32I believe you.
30:33Let, let's ask the exorcist.
30:35So like, how would you deal with this situation?
30:37There's, uh, Victoria, sitting up.
30:39The sitting up thing, is that, is that like common?
30:42Yeah.
30:43It usually happens in a case when someone is, um, easy to come into because you're very spiritually.
30:50Why are you laughing?
30:51Why are you laughing?
30:52Are you laughing?
30:53Why are you laughing?
30:54Susceptible?
30:55Susceptible.
30:56He's like, uh, pretty much if you're a weak bitch, it seems easy to enter.
31:00No, okay.
31:01No.
31:02So how do you become not susceptible?
31:03Right?
31:04We want to become not that.
31:05How do we do that?
31:06So the way I try to do it is you try to like strengthen your aura so that there's more
31:10of a barrier around you.
31:13I am so, you know, there's so much to do in life already.
31:16Like there's, you know, you wake up, right, brushing your teeth.
31:19Sometimes getting out of bed is hard, right?
31:21And you're like, oh man.
31:22And then, you know, I, as a 30 something year old woman, it's like, I don't know where
31:26to start.
31:27Get your shit together.
31:29Okay.
31:30So that's, that's how you fight against.
31:33Yeah.
31:34There are ways that you can ward yourself against like possession and from things that you don't
31:38want, um, coming around you.
31:40Right.
31:41You didn't give a detail.
31:43I, I, so I'm just gonna be spooked again.
31:47Just walking around spooked all the time.
31:49Undead lovers and, oh, both of you.
31:52Okay.
31:53Yes.
31:54Hello.
31:55You're together and you, okay, you both have undead lovers.
31:58Undead means you're alive.
32:00Oh, so alive lovers.
32:01Okay.
32:02Please explain.
32:03We both told jokes right before we died.
32:05Are you, uh, comedians?
32:07Nye knows.
32:08I am not.
32:09Okay.
32:10Wait.
32:11Well, uh, about eight years ago, I died for a bit and, uh, they had to get out the,
32:24uh, the paddles.
32:25The paddles.
32:26Uh-huh.
32:27To, uh, just give it a hard reset.
32:30And he said, we need your permission for this, unlike the other stuff.
32:33And can you give us your permission?
32:34And I was scared out of my mind.
32:35So I was like, as long as you call it the old zappy zap.
32:39I would say, actually, technically, maybe that wasn't a joke.
32:46Wait, so then you died after that?
32:49After he said zappy zap?
32:50I was flat out.
32:51So, like, couldn't breathe, couldn't move, and then just the blackest black of ever to
32:57black in front of the eyes, could not see anything.
33:00I was like, oh.
33:01Oh, this is it.
33:02I'm leaving now.
33:03And when I woke up, I was like, what the hell is there to be afraid of now?
33:07So I came to Los Angeles and met someone who has also died before.
33:11What website is that?
33:13What, what, what site is that?
33:15Is it gonna be devilish dreams?
33:17Uh, I, uh, at the tail end of high school, I lived in a haunted house.
33:21Your parents moved you in there?
33:22Yeah.
33:23You guys moved?
33:24Yeah.
33:25Into a, and where is this location?
33:26Where is this house?
33:27It's called Eastvale now.
33:28The house was built on top of, uh, a serial killer's ranch.
33:32Oh, wow.
33:33The Inland Empire.
33:34Inland Empire.
33:35Okay.
33:36Oh, 626, near Pasadena, where they do dental work without anesthesia, uh, even though it's
33:45usually how they do it.
33:47And, um, okay, so how did you know it was haunted?
33:51Or, like, what were the signs?
33:53My sister would see things at the edge of her bed, um.
33:56Oh, my gosh.
33:57Yeah.
33:58Oh, so sitting up?
33:59Yeah.
34:00Yeah.
34:01What is this sitting up?
34:02Oh, standing up.
34:03Standing up at the edge of the bed.
34:04Does anyone ever, possessed, ever say things just laying down?
34:09Everything has to be, uh, presenting?
34:11Oh, my God.
34:12That's so spooky.
34:13It's, that's the spooky part, right?
34:15If someone was laying down and was like, Victoria, I'd be like, oh, scarlet fever.
34:19You know what I mean?
34:20I'd be like, oh, she's seeing visions.
34:22Let's go, everybody!
34:23She's...
34:24Thank you so much!
34:27Let's switch it up a little bit.
34:29I wanna play a game called Connections.
34:32Here's how Connections works.
34:34I am going to invite all three comedians on stage at the same exact time.
34:40And their job is to find as many genuine connections and common ground as we can.
34:47They got a job to do.
34:49I wanna see them do it.
34:50So please, welcome to the stage, our three comedians for the evening!
35:00All right, I'm gonna say, I want Missing Uncle and Herbalist to switch because you're
35:04from Sacramento and Rosicrucian is from San Jose?
35:06Yes.
35:07Boring towns in Sacramento, in Northern California.
35:10Do we have any people?
35:11Other people?
35:12I'm sorry, but can we talk about Sad Ocean?
35:16Because Shark Attack and Struck by Lightning is just like...
35:19Yes!
35:20Sad Ocean.
35:21Sad Ocean should be together.
35:22Sad Ocean.
35:23But I also wanna find out, like, is Skateboard Savant connected to the ocean at all?
35:29Because I don't wanna, like, waste it.
35:30Also, you look like Weird Al in a good way.
35:34I was a sponsored skateboarder at seven years old.
35:36You know, when I read your shirt, I was like, this fucker knows every skateboard to ever exist.
35:41So we're gonna, we're gonna move you with another savant.
35:46Are you, were you, are you a fencer?
35:49A medieval longsword doers.
35:51Okay, sword owners on the table!
35:52Yes!
35:53Yes!
35:54Cult sampler, get over here!
35:55Wow!
35:56Oh my God!
35:57Move, move, move!
35:58This is TV!
35:59We'll have to find a different extreme sport person.
36:02Extreme sport?
36:03Extreme dental.
36:04Yeah?
36:05Oh!
36:06That's extreme!
36:07Radical!
36:08Radical!
36:09No, no, I, look, hold on, I still think sad ocean is a thing.
36:12I thought, okay, my dad died in the lightning strike.
36:14Uh, what?
36:15Whoa!
36:16You didn't get to it!
36:17Wow!
36:18First of all, your shirt should say, struck by lightning, dot dot dot, by the way!
36:22He came back to life.
36:23What?
36:24What?
36:25My dad came back to life.
36:26Oh, as well?
36:27All these dead ass people!
36:29Everyone's dead?
36:31Presidential campaign manager, did you manage John Kerry's campaign because he had that windsurfing incident?
36:36Yeah.
36:37It was not, but he is a dead president.
36:39Who?
36:40Millard Fillmore.
36:41Just before, I believe, the Civil War.
36:44Wow!
36:461850.
36:48Okay.
36:49Okay, so that's...
36:50Boring activities at home.
36:51Boring activities at home.
36:53Join, join the board game couple.
36:56Should one of us be on the floor and help with the seating?
36:59Sure!
37:00Sure!
37:01I feel like that's more my vibe.
37:02I'm getting paid.
37:03Here you go.
37:04Oh, but the lightnings, we were gonna move...
37:06Yeah, the lightnings!
37:07So we're gonna move the emo oceans together, right?
37:10Evil oceans.
37:11Yeah, I think evil oceans should get together, yes.
37:14Oh my God!
37:15What is this?
37:16What is this?
37:17I love it!
37:18All we're doing now is making continuity so hard.
37:21And I can't...
37:22I love it.
37:23I know!
37:24Who's allergic to penicillus?
37:25Ocean and ocean.
37:26Did you sell your shorts for Easter candy while a child was dying?
37:32No, I sold it.
37:33Alright, then it's not gonna work.
37:36No, no, no.
37:37How do you...
37:38Sold my shorts.
37:39What is this?
37:40I used to be a stripper in Atlanta, so I would sell my shorts and underwear and started doing drag.
37:45Take your shirt off!
37:46Get up there!
37:47I'm tripping over!
37:48Sam, you have two hands!
37:49We just have to move chairs.
37:50Drag on drag, yes.
37:51Can I say...
37:52Yes.
37:53I can say that.
37:54Were you trying to pay your way through medical school?
37:55Oh, sorry.
37:56You almost died!
37:57This is the room!
37:58This is the room!
37:59Oh my God!
38:00Oh my God!
38:01Oh my God!
38:02Oh my God!
38:03Oh my God!
38:04This is the room!
38:05This is the room!
38:06Oh my God!
38:07Oh my God!
38:08Oh my God!
38:09Oh my God!
38:10Oh my God!
38:11So much drama!
38:12Oh my God!
38:13So much drama!
38:14Who's fucking trying to kill you?
38:16Do you know where Victoria is?
38:18Victoria!
38:19Oh my God!
38:21Why...
38:22Here's a...
38:23I'm so scared of dying and this is the worst crowd to be in.
38:28Sweetie, these are the winners.
38:30They live.
38:31Yeah.
38:32Guy, I just have to hear you talk to Dog Shower.
38:35Oh, it's Dog Shower.
38:37Oh!
38:42Dog Shower.
38:43Boring activities over there.
38:44Boring activities over there.
38:45Boring activities over there.
38:46Boring activities.
38:47I'm gonna say pageant queen.
38:48Maybe Joe should join.
38:50Yay!
38:51What is a Dog Shower?
38:52If you've ever seen the national dog show that comes on every Thanksgiving.
38:55Every fucking year?
38:56Yeah.
38:57That's what I used to do.
38:58And then Dog Grower is...
38:59What made you retire?
39:01Most of the people are very conservative.
39:03Mm-hmm.
39:04I'm very queer.
39:05No!
39:06No!
39:07Connect them!
39:08Connect them!
39:09Connect them!
39:10I am visibly queer.
39:11I just wanna be clear.
39:12If we put all the queer people here at one table, there would be one table.
39:15It's the whole fucking room.
39:16It's the whole room and the crew.
39:20I saw that.
39:21I know.
39:22I know.
39:23Fuck it.
39:24I'm coming out.
39:25That's it, everybody!
39:26That's it!
39:27Let's go get back up on stage!
39:32How was the show, everybody?
39:36It is time, it is time for you to choose the winner of tonight's show.
39:47And the winner of tonight's show is going to get our golden drink ticket.
39:53I'm gonna say your name and you are going to make as much noise as you possibly can for
40:02who you think is tonight's winner.
40:04Now, they all were fantastic.
40:05You can make noise for them all.
40:07But if there's some...
40:08Oh, yeah, go ahead.
40:09Go ahead.
40:10Go ahead.
40:11Go ahead.
40:12But if you thought tonight's winner of Crown Control was...
40:16Cristela Alonso, make some noise!
40:26If you think the winner of this episode is...
40:29Atsuko, make some noise!
40:31Yeah!
40:32Yeah!
40:33Yeah!
40:34Yeah!
40:35Woo-hoo!
40:36And if our winner is...
40:39Guy Brando, make some noise!
40:40Woo-hoo!
40:41The winner of tonight's episode of Crown Control is...
40:54Cristela Alonso!
40:55Yeah!
40:56Woo-hoo!
40:57There you go!
40:58There you go!
40:59There you go!
41:00There you go!
41:01There you go!
41:02There you go!
41:03Cristela!
41:04Oh!
41:05Oh!
41:06Oh!
41:07Look!
41:08I...
41:09I want to thank...
41:10Yeah!
41:11You know what you...
41:12Everyone that made it possible!
41:13Yes!
41:14Yes!
41:15The ghosts!
41:16The ghost fighter!
41:17The ghost fighter!
41:18The dog shower!
41:19Yeah!
41:20Not everybody!
41:21That is the last call for us here at Crown Control!
41:26I'm your host Jackie Zill reminding you...
41:31Tip your bartenders!
41:32Drive home safe!
41:34And hey...
41:36It's not a good story unless we wrote it on a shirt!
41:40Good night everybody!
41:41Good night!
41:42Good night!
41:43I asked him if he skips and licks lollipops.
41:48Don't let him do his own independent work!
41:51I still have the microphone!
41:53Oh!
41:54Did you need somebody who was strong and had a good stomach?
41:57You said had a good stomach and I thought of you?
41:59And I was like what do you mean?
42:00Like we need someone to pick up bodies and they gotta be hot!
42:03Like...
42:04I would think you know...
42:05I just thought you would be like...
42:06Oh I'm dumb!
42:07You know like that?
42:08Like...
42:09Oh because I am bitch!
42:10You know something like that?
42:11But...
42:12You were so...
42:13Yeah!
42:14Yes!
42:15Yes!
42:16Yes!
42:17You did!
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