- 3 months ago
A profile of the decisions and issues adult children face in caring for their aging parents
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00:00Funding for Frontline is provided by this station and other public television stations nationwide,
00:07and by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
00:10Tonight on Frontline, this is Marge's 84th birthday.
00:15She is one of millions of aging parents now dependent on their children, their daughters.
00:21I don't resent taking care of my mother-in-law, I resent the time out of my life.
00:27I feel that I'm a burden to them.
00:31Who am I?
00:32I don't know.
00:33Try to think.
00:34Why don't you tell me?
00:36I'm your daughter.
00:37Well, that's good.
00:39Tonight on Frontline, what about Mom and Dad?
00:52From the network of public television stations,
00:55a presentation of KCTS Seattle, WNET New York, WPBT Miami, WTVS Detroit, and WGBH Boston.
01:07This is Frontline with Judy Woodruff.
01:14Good evening.
01:15We are in the middle of a revolution that is going to change the way we live.
01:19By the year 2000, the average American will live past the age of 80.
01:24That's 35 years longer than our great-grandparents did at the turn of the century.
01:30There is great hope in this.
01:32As we reach retirement, we will discover gratefully that our parents will still be with us,
01:38but also that the added years will bring added dilemmas.
01:42Tonight, in a special repeat broadcast, producer Offra Bickel goes to the suburbs of one city, Philadelphia,
01:51to listen to the stories of ordinary middle-class Americans quietly struggling with what to do about Mom and Dad.
01:59If we are 40, these are the faces of our parents.
02:24Never have those 65 and over looked better.
02:37Arms up, just as far as you can go.
02:40Never have they been as fit.
02:43Never have they had as much leisure time.
02:52I've got four Trump in my hand.
02:54I can't get into you, I've got a Trump.
02:57And never have they lived better.
03:08In the last four years, their income has grown three times faster than that of the average American family.
03:15The tour actually starts in Miami.
03:18So I have to get to Miami.
03:20And then they fly us to Maneus in Brazil, which is...
03:25Oh, really?
03:26He tries to poison Mozart.
03:28You saw his obituary in the paper, did you?
03:30Yes.
03:31Very nice write-up on you.
03:33In fact, old age has been redefined.
03:41Within this century, we've gained another 25 years of life expectancy.
03:48Another chance for another turn.
03:52And while old loves still burn strong, new loves can still be born.
04:01To love, to honor, and to cherish her above all else in the world.
04:05If so, answer I do.
04:06I do.
04:07Vows exchanged as child, grandchild, and mother look on.
04:12It's no longer unusual.
04:14This is the good news.
04:17But there's also some bad news.
04:20You happy for us, Mom?
04:22Mother is not just a guest at the wedding.
04:25Mama.
04:27Why don't you eat your sandwich before your cake, Mama?
04:31Because the cake will spoil your appetite.
04:34Mama.
04:36We want you to be nice and strong, Mama.
04:39I just want to keep you healthy.
04:41Eat the sandwich.
04:42It's much better for you.
04:45This new gift of life was ushered in and found us unprepared.
04:52The middle-aged woman, who may have an exciting new life ahead of her, also has her widowed, aging mother.
05:00Our old parents may have each other for a longer time, but at a price they may not be able to afford.
05:08Open your eyes and look at me.
05:10No one was prepared for what has happened, and no one knows exactly what to do or where to look for guidance.
05:16I did open them.
05:17Okay, then who do you see?
05:19So between a baffled society and inadequate institutions, a generation was caught in the middle.
05:28Sit.
05:29Gee.
05:30We made it.
05:33Ginny belongs to this generation.
05:36That's better.
05:38She is 48 years old.
05:40She is a nurse.
05:42She works with the sick elderly.
05:45Oh, you're doing great.
05:48She nurses them and helps them all day long.
05:51Just a little bit more.
05:52You can rest if you're tired.
05:54And all evening long.
05:55Okay, one more step.
05:56Back home with her husband and his mother.
05:59There she is.
06:01Okay, you can watch your show.
06:04I'm going.
06:05I got work for you.
06:07Ginny married Fred four years ago.
06:09We met on a blind date.
06:12Charlie, if you will, please.
06:13A friend called me up and said she wanted me to go on a blind date.
06:18And I said, hey, Barb, I never go on blind dates.
06:22I was single at the time, and I had no one to go with.
06:25And a friend of Ginny's was also a friend of mine.
06:29And she said, Fred, you can't go to a formal affair by yourself.
06:34She even had it all figured out, you know, that I could get my hair done and I had this skirt that I could wear that I would be presentable.
06:43So a couple of days later, she calls up and she says, I have a date for you.
06:48It's a little on the heavy side, but she's got a wonderful personality.
06:53And I went into Barbara's house and she introduced me to this man.
06:58Here I am.
06:59I'm Fred Walter.
07:00And here he was dressed in a tux and he just, I don't know.
07:06It was just like some kind of, you know, like a dream, like something you read in a book.
07:13This was Prince Charming and we were going to the ball.
07:16It was a fairy tale.
07:22Yeah.
07:23Yeah.
07:24And it seems like, it seems like about 20 years have passed between that time.
07:32Because it's not a fairy tale anymore.
07:36Sometimes it's like a nightmare.
07:39And you say, well, that's life.
07:43This is his mother.
07:45If you love someone, this is his mother.
07:51We were married less than four years.
07:55I had only met my mother-in-law four times.
07:58She was living in Florida.
08:01And the neighbor that had been taking care of my mother-in-law let us know that she could no longer take care of her.
08:08Lunch is ready.
08:10And that we would have to find something to do with her.
08:15She could not take care of herself.
08:19She's crippled pretty badly with arthritis.
08:23She could not walk too well.
08:26Her hands do not go any higher.
08:29Don't even go up to her shoulders.
08:31She cannot bathe herself.
08:33She cannot take a shower.
08:35She can't stand by herself.
08:38I just felt that we couldn't put her in a nursing home down there.
08:43It would be just like putting her away.
08:46There was really no choice.
08:48It was a matter of dumping her in a nursing home and leaving her down there and forgetting about her.
08:54Or bringing up here and taking care of her needs as best we could.
08:58As long as we can.
09:01I was very independent.
09:04And I tried to do my own thing.
09:07So it was very hard.
09:11And I couldn't do it anymore.
09:13I never thought it was their duty to take care of me.
09:19It was a shock.
09:22It was a demon to me.
09:26All our children were out of the house except two when we got married.
09:31And we had a freedom.
09:35We golfed.
09:36We swam.
09:37We went shopping.
09:39We came home from work.
09:41And if we felt like eating, we ate.
09:42If we didn't feel like eating, we didn't eat.
09:44If we felt like anything.
09:48You know, if we felt like taking off on Friday night and going down the shore and not coming home until Sunday, we did it.
09:55If we felt like coming home Friday night, we did it.
09:58And now all of a sudden our life is regimented.
10:01It has to, we have to have meals at a certain time.
10:06You go out to dinner and you feel, well, gee, mom's been cooped up in the house all week long.
10:12We ought to take her out.
10:14You know, it's a, you don't want to and you just feel guilty if you go out and you don't take her out.
10:21And yet, if you take her out, you can only stay out two, two hours because that's all she can stay out is two hours.
10:31I feel that I'm a burden to them.
10:35They can't do what they want.
10:37You know, many times they would like to go out or do this and that and they can't.
10:44Because I'm here.
10:47Here, put this foot in.
10:49Right here.
10:51Look at this boo-boo again.
10:53Every time I look at you, you got another one.
10:56I feel sorry for Ginny that she has to put up with me.
11:00It's hard for her.
11:02I need care.
11:03Is that a new one? That's where the key.
11:05She has to bat me and do a lot of things for me.
11:09Where did you get it, Dina?
11:10So, it's hard on her.
11:12That was, that was a year ago.
11:16I don't have any anger against my mother-in-law.
11:19She's a very lovely person.
11:22Very pleasant.
11:26And I enjoy talking to her when I'm bathing her and we talk about her past and what her life was like in Germany and how she grew up.
11:36I didn't like it.
11:37I didn't like all that going so on with Hitler and everybody followed him just like she.
11:42Your family too?
11:43Oh yeah.
11:44They had to.
11:45Why?
11:46Were they afraid?
11:47They were so afraid.
11:49My sister said, I'm glad when you leave again, you're going to get us in trouble.
11:53Because I, because I spoke up, I said what I thought.
12:00I think it's about time for your medicine.
12:02Okay.
12:03Whether Fred is home or not, it's Ginny who takes care of mother.
12:08I'm a nurse.
12:11Nurses take care of patients.
12:13It's always the woman that takes care of somebody else.
12:17You know, your hair's got real silver in it now.
12:22I don't resent taking care of my mother-in-law.
12:24I resent the time out of my life taking care of my mother-in-law.
12:29I would like to just spend one day all by myself in the house.
12:35I would like to shut my bedroom door at night time.
12:38But I can't shut my bedroom door.
12:40I would like to sit in the living room and talk to my husband.
12:44Or just sit in the living room, just the two of us, even if we don't talk to each other.
12:48But we can't because mom is sitting in the corner.
12:52Yeah, it makes it hard for everybody.
12:55I try to be cheerful about it and do the best.
13:03And I can.
13:06And she says it tastes like it does.
13:09So they all go about their lives as best they can.
13:12Do you have a picture of your kids from my backyard in Sheldon Ham?
13:17It's nice having her.
13:20We talk about old times, old friends, things that have happened in the past.
13:26She loves to reminisce.
13:29I say, hey kids, look.
13:32I feel very cheated.
13:34I've earned this time of my life.
13:36I've raised my children.
13:38And I've earned a time when I can plan for my future.
13:45Are you surprised when you looked at and seen the snow this morning?
13:48Oh, it's beautiful.
13:50I feel that they should have their own privacy and their own life.
13:56I lived long enough.
13:57I lived my life.
13:59It shouldn't be like that.
14:02How should it be?
14:04In support groups all over the country, women who are almost always the caregivers to aging parents, agonize.
14:13Well, a good daughter should return in kind and I should take care of her.
14:18In reality, I don't want to do this.
14:21And I get very conflicted.
14:23I can rationalize the fact that my father had to be placed in a nursing home.
14:27But on an emotional level, it's just an entirely different story.
14:32A mother can take care of so many children and one child can't take care of a mother.
14:38I feel that I should be taking care of her and I should be doing it in a willing way, in a loving way.
14:46I should be doing it because it's the right thing to do.
14:52Mother, what did the children say when they called you on the phone?
14:56I don't remember.
14:57Marion's mother has been living with her in Philadelphia for the last year.
15:01How's that?
15:03Oh, I didn't know you could...
15:05They have all the ads in for holiday food.
15:09Okay.
15:10I mean, when is the holiday?
15:12That's in a couple of weeks.
15:13My parents lived in Florida. They own a condominium.
15:16They were going to come here for a visit in September of 81 and my father died suddenly of heart failure.
15:26And they have an article in here on a way to make red snapper.
15:31From that point on, she started to deteriorate completely.
15:35What this French chef has to tell us.
15:37She couldn't find any reason for living.
15:40And she took a batch of sleeping pills.
15:44Dry white wine, that sounds good.
15:46She had sleeping pills in the house and she OD'd on them.
15:50And you set it aside to sort of marinate.
15:54That was it.
15:55After that, she came here.
15:57And you bake it. It sounds simple enough.
16:00You threw a red.
16:01When Marion's friends want to see her, they usually come to her.
16:04Eight, bam.
16:07I became a widow in the spring of 1980.
16:11Five, five, three, five.
16:13And it was a very short marriage.
16:16It was less than four years.
16:18Eight, ten.
16:19And it was a very beautiful marriage.
16:21Five, bam.
16:22And it took me quite a long time to adjust.
16:24Eight, bam.
16:26And a year and a half later, my father died.
16:30Eight, crack.
16:32And then, of course, the failure of my mother.
16:34Six, bam.
16:35I really didn't have a chance.
16:37I didn't have a chance to do things that I would like to do.
16:40Your role, Bella.
16:41I would love to travel.
16:43Yes.
16:44I'd love to go see my son in Oregon.
16:46Seven, crack.
16:47But I can't make any plans to do things like this.
16:50Seven, crack.
16:51Nine, bam.
16:52Seven, crack.
16:53Seven, crack.
16:54I just do what I can.
16:57I would like to be married again.
16:58I enjoyed being married in my second marriage.
17:01It was a good marriage, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to have been able to have a good marriage.
17:07And I could find, with the friends that I have that are married, and so many of them are second marriages, I want to be part of it.
17:19I want somebody with me.
17:20I want to have somebody to lean on.
17:22The one person she leans on now is her daughter Linda.
17:34Hi, Lynn.
17:35How are you?
17:36Good.
17:37How's Steven?
17:38My mother has no life of her own anymore.
17:41She's not able to come and go as she chooses.
17:44She's not able to be with who she wants to be.
17:47She's not able to make plans.
17:50She's not able to be spontaneous.
17:52Everything is curtailed.
17:54Everything works around my grandmother.
17:58There you go.
18:00Happy birthday to you.
18:04Happy birthday to you.
18:08Happy birthday dear Margie.
18:12Happy birthday to you.
18:20Now are you ready for a piece of cake?
18:22This is Marge's 84th birthday.
18:25Marian and a friend celebrate.
18:27It's a funny thing, years back I used to think to myself, there is longevity in her family.
18:36My grandparents lived until they were, I think in their early 90s.
18:41Oh boy.
18:43And I remember thinking about it a while ago.
18:46Do you like all your cards and your presents, Mother?
18:48Yeah, I'm going to have my mama for a long time.
18:52You're welcome.
18:54But I didn't consider that the brain failure can happen.
18:58Play it up there.
18:59Whether it's senility or whether it's Alzheimer's or whichever it is.
19:03It is delish.
19:05At this point I would like to see my mother put my grandmother in a nursing home.
19:10I think that she would get the best care that way.
19:13I think my mother could then resume her life.
19:16And I think that that's important because my mother has a life ahead of her.
19:20And I don't really feel that my grandmother has that much more of a life ahead of her at this point.
19:25And I think that my mother's life comes first.
19:28My grandmother has had 84 years.
19:30My mother will not have 84 years if she continues this way.
19:35And I don't think that's fair.
19:37But on the other hand you say,
19:40Well look, she gave birth to you and she took care of you.
19:45Maybe now it's your turn.
19:47Yeah, there's a lot of inner conflict.
19:53I don't feel that I have that kind of capacity.
19:58That I could give up my life as I've seen my mother do.
20:02In order to take care of my mother.
20:09I see my own life as being pretty dull and going by.
20:13With very, very little.
20:16Pretty dull.
20:18I don't see any rainbows.
20:22He was trying to...
20:23He's guilty of something.
20:25It's a funny thing.
20:26He was trying to put the blame on somebody else.
20:28The holiday season is coming.
20:31And I start shopping to buy things to make a package to send to Oregon.
20:36It seems like I only made that a couple of months ago.
20:40And it's a year.
20:42How fast the years are flying.
20:47Another year has gone by and I have accomplished nothing for me.
20:51For me.
20:52Nothing.
20:56I've done the best of my ability to take care of my mother.
21:02I care about her very much.
21:04I love her very much.
21:05I hurt for her.
21:09I'm just tired.
21:10Well, we'll stick it out to the end.
21:11Have that, Mom.
21:12See what comes of it.
21:13Zachary!
21:14Zachary!
21:15Watch the doggy!
21:16Hello!
21:17Good!
21:18One more, please.
21:19This is the way we'd like it to be.
21:20One second.
21:21Families joining together across the generations to celebrate the extended family.
21:25Good.
21:26Now we will take two more without the hat.
21:27Good.
21:29One change.
21:30Here we go.
21:31Can you just cross your ankles for me?
21:32Smile, sir.
21:33Here we go.
21:34That's it.
21:35The large American family.
21:36It's part of the dream we were taught to expect.
21:37Who am I?
21:38I don't know.
21:39What's my name?
21:40I'm your daughter.
21:41This is what was not promised.
21:42And what none of us expects.
21:43Who is Marcy here?
21:44Okay.
21:45What's your daughter's name?
21:46Who, me?
21:47Yeah.
21:48That's it.
21:49One change.
21:50One change.
21:51Here we go.
21:52Here we go.
21:53Can you just cross your ankles for me?
21:54Smile, sir.
21:55Here we go.
21:56The large American family.
21:57The last one for the cover now.
21:58It's part of the dream we were taught to expect.
22:00Who am I?
22:01I don't know.
22:02What's my name?
22:03I'm your daughter.
22:04This is what was not promised.
22:05Marcy.
22:06And what none of us expects.
22:07Who is Marcy here?
22:08Okay.
22:09What's your daughter's name?
22:10Who, me?
22:11I don't know.
22:12What's your daughter's name?
22:13If I knew, I would tell you.
22:15That's Marcy.
22:16Marcy.
22:17A middle-aged woman with an old, impaired parent is more and more part of the reality.
22:22Who am I?
22:23I don't know.
22:24Try to think.
22:25Why don't you tell me?
22:27I'm your daughter.
22:28Well, that's good.
22:30My name's Peggy.
22:31I have an 85-year-old mother.
22:33I have an 80-year-old father.
22:35My name is Margo, and I have an 86-year-old mother-in-law.
22:40My name is Pat, and I have an aunt who is 80 years old.
22:44She is what they term pleasantly confused.
22:47We've had several psychiatric tests, and they said positively, no way can she take care of herself.
22:53So she's now in a nursing care facility with the symptoms of Alzheimer's disease, confusion, loss of memory.
23:00What to do with an old, impaired parent is a harrowing dilemma for grown-up children.
23:05With nothing to guide them but the sympathy of their peers, they must decide.
23:10When is a parent too old or too frail to decide about his or her life?
23:15Should a child take over?
23:17When?
23:18And by what right?
23:20A word often heard in these sessions is guilt.
23:24I think the guilt feeling is the worst of all.
23:27And then you feel so guilty because they've done so much for you, and what are you doing for them?
23:32I had taken someone out of a home that they loved.
23:34Couldn't we have kept him home a little more?
23:36Couldn't we have tried nurses at home first?
23:39And I feel guilty about it.
23:41How can one not feel guilt when a person wants to come home, asks you to come home, and you are the one responsible for that person?
23:53You're the one to make that decision for that person.
23:56How can you not feel guilt?
23:59Pat's aunt has been in a nursing home for five months.
24:03I think of my aunt almost constantly.
24:08She's on my mind somewhere, whether I'm working or at home.
24:14No matter where I'm at, I've still got this decision.
24:20Okay, will you bring the card in when you come?
24:23Okay, very good.
24:24We'll give him a call.
24:25I'm the only one anywhere nearby.
24:29The only relative is in Florida, a thousand miles from here.
24:35McKendry is the name?
24:37Yes.
24:38You want a separate billing on these?
24:39So I've been more or less stuck with the decision is how to take care of her.
24:44Should I leave her in the nursing home?
24:47Should I take her home with some help?
24:49What if I was really sick?
24:51I think when you're really sick with something else, it's easier to cure them to call.
24:55Right.
24:56She wants to come home.
24:57She wants to come home.
25:01She calls me frequently or when I go there to visit her, which I try to get there a couple of times a week.
25:09She wants to come home.
25:12I try to offer to get somebody in the house to help her.
25:17She doesn't want to hear of it.
25:18She will not hear of it.
25:20She gets positively furious at the thought of having somebody in with her.
25:26She doesn't require it, she said.
25:29And she insists on going to the store for herself.
25:32She has to cross a busy intersection to get there.
25:36And I don't know how she hasn't gotten hit before now.
25:41Because her mind wanders.
25:44I'm afraid it's going to wander right out in the middle of that street.
25:49I come to the house, well, at least once a week.
25:53And when the weather was nicer, of course, there were trim hedges, take care of lawns, pull weeds.
26:01I just continue on coming here and doing what I can to keep it going.
26:08Keep it presentable to where it doesn't look too bad for the neighborhood.
26:14It's sad.
26:17They work so hard and they enjoy their home for so many years.
26:22And now it's, of course, no one getting any enjoyment out of it.
26:28When she first went away, I came and I cleaned it good.
26:35Dusted and did the floors, et cetera.
26:39But now, of course, with no one in it, it doesn't require that much care inside.
26:44But the main thing is the male that must be kept up with.
26:56She says, I do hope you are well. We are okay.
26:59I'm sorry I haven't written sooner, but we do think of you.
27:04Mom is fine in her own way.
27:10She's not good enough to go in a retirement home.
27:15She's too good physically to be in the nursing home.
27:21If she was just a little bit better, I'd say, okay, the answer is to come home.
27:25Do I get to Florida or should want to come to Florida? Give me a call.
27:30If she were a little bit worse, I'd know I had made the right decision to leave her in this nursing home.
27:35Isn't all that far away. Take care of yourself.
27:37But right where she's at, she's right on the borderline.
27:41And you don't know.
27:43How are you feeling now anyway?
27:46Are you anxious to go home still?
27:48I've forgotten what this place is.
27:51Paul's Run.
27:52Oh, yeah.
27:54You're eating better in here than you did at home.
27:57Well, I can cook for myself at home.
28:00Well, you know.
28:03You have people in here.
28:06It's only at home.
28:08I don't care.
28:10You don't?
28:11No.
28:12I feel guilty in that I'm spending so much money at that nursing home.
28:16I can't even tell her what it cost.
28:19She would just go to pieces if she knew how much it cost.
28:22They just save money, save money.
28:25I guess they just wanted to leave their money to people to say this is what I accomplished in life possibly.
28:32I don't know.
28:33But then when I come along and I'm spending this amount of money to keep her in the nursing home,
28:40which I know she would be dead set against if she realized.
28:44I feel guilty.
28:46I do.
28:47Who am I to do this?
28:49Who am I to make these decisions?
28:52There must be somebody that knows more than me.
28:59Peter Strauss, an attorney, is supposed to know more.
29:04There are many times that I will wake up at three o'clock in the morning after having had a long conference with clients wrestling with these decisions.
29:13And I wake up in a cold sweat and ask myself, who am I?
29:17A little Peter Strauss from New York City to be asked to make judgments about this.
29:23It's very troubling to me.
29:26Sometimes I throw up my hands and say to the family, we must go to court with this.
29:30Your relative is far beyond the point in which we can make these decisions in the abstract.
29:36Should a patient be institutionalized?
29:38When should that person be institutionalized?
29:41And frequently the context is in the opposition of that patient to any kind of a nursing home placement.
29:49And then I really think she's unhappy and then I just feel so bad for her.
29:54I asked everyone's opinion.
29:56I've asked the social worker in the nursing home.
29:59Could I possibly take her home?
30:01I'm starting to think that maybe she would be already home.
30:04Well, I think right now the situation that we're in or the problem that we're in is that you feel very guilty over the fact that Madeline's here.
30:13Madeline is not unhappy here.
30:15I spoke to Madeline this morning.
30:19Madeline had no recollection of any conversations with you.
30:23I asked her how Pat was.
30:24She didn't completely understand who Pat was when I asked her.
30:29I don't feel she'd be safe at home.
30:31I feel the safety factor is the major thing at home.
30:35How far should I go to keep her safe?
30:39She can't fall where she's at.
30:43She's perfectly safe.
30:44She can't go out in traffic.
30:46And she's unhappy.
30:48Now, is it fair of me to make this decision to keep her so completely safe but unhappy?
30:57Or should I take that chance and bring her home where she's not perfectly safe, but she feels as if she'd be happier at home?
31:09I had a parakeet one time.
31:13And people used to criticize me because I let this parakeet fly all the time.
31:19Because they said they live longer if you leave them caged up.
31:23And I said if I had to be caged up, I wouldn't want to live.
31:28It's the only thing.
31:30If it's any kind of comparison.
31:35So I don't know.
31:44If the nursing home seems like a cage, it is nonetheless an expensive cage.
31:50Nursing homes across the country charge from $20,000 to $50,000 a year.
31:57Or between $60,000 to $150 a day.
32:01Most of their patients are old and chronically ill.
32:06Neither Medicare, the federal health insurance program, nor any other private insurance covers these costs.
32:15So beside the family's guilt, there is great financial hardship.
32:20How are you feeling today?
32:22Feel all right?
32:24My wife got sick about 10 years ago.
32:27Which they diagnosed at first as a depression and later decided it was a stroke.
32:36Then she suffered about three more strokes over the years.
32:43She can't speak.
32:45She can't stand.
32:46She can't help herself.
32:48I had to send her to a nursing home because being ill myself, I can no longer take care of her.
32:58You're looking good, you know?
33:01You feeling good?
33:02It was a very difficult decision of sending her there or any other place but home.
33:07Fifty-four years now we've been married.
33:11And I knew her about six, seven years before that so I know this young lady about 60 years.
33:20Sometime.
33:21Just since we were both kids.
33:24Mr. Hyman Freed was that quintessential American, a traveling salesman.
33:30I worked for 45 years and then retired just about 11 years now.
33:40And my situation was fairly secure, I thought at the time.
33:48The money I'd been able to save, roughly I'd say my backing was about $150,000.
33:59I had bought and paid for a home that we lived in.
34:04The children were married and on their own.
34:08And, uh, things looked fairly good for us.
34:14Oh, my dreams are glorious dreams.
34:18They, uh, I had imagined we, the children were, as I said before, on their own.
34:26And, uh, my wife and I would be free to travel and do a lot of things that we had denied ourselves all our adult life because of the children.
34:35My hopes were to take care of the children and leave them something.
34:41I also have four grandchildren I was thinking of and, uh, those plans.
34:48And, uh, it's, instead it's turned into a nightmare.
34:54I had to give up my home, sell the home because we lived in a place where she couldn't get the kind of care she needed.
35:03Now I'm told that, uh, with what I would have to pay for her permanently in a nursing home, I probably have enough to see her through for about another two years.
35:17And then what do I do?
35:20Then I'm broke.
35:22And all my savings of 45 years of work are gone.
35:27And then where do I go?
35:29What do I do?
35:31Finally, Mr. Freed turned to his children for financial help.
35:36As a daughter, I see it very, it's very painful.
35:40My father, um, my father's a very remarkable man in many ways.
35:45He was, he raised us to believe in, very much in the American dream.
35:51And better than 50% of the time I'm right, so...
35:54My father worked very hard and he really believed he was providing well for his retirement.
35:58I mean, he, you know, had insurance.
36:01He had Social Security.
36:03Uh, he had some savings.
36:06And so I took out...
36:08And then found that no matter what, none of it was enough.
36:11And gave her a pen and she really did try and was able to...
36:15Finally he said, you know, kids, I'm afraid I have to ask you for some help.
36:19I can't do it myself.
36:21He was scared.
36:23For my father to have to turn to us, I think was, was a painful thing for him.
36:29She wanted to take and mother had taken three books.
36:32I knew she could only read one at a time.
36:35You know, it's strange.
36:37You, uh...
36:38I started paying into this Medicare system from the day I...
36:42From the day it started.
36:44And, uh, while I never read the law...
36:49Always in the back of your mind, as a young person, working and paying for this thing, week after week, they take it out of your salary.
36:57They don't give you a choice, you just pay it.
37:00And you have the mistaken idea that, well, when you get old, if you get sick, Medicare's gonna take care of you.
37:06You don't have to worry about that.
37:09And then comes the horrible awakening.
37:13You retire, and you do get sick.
37:18And you find out that Medicare has more rules than the Bible.
37:23There's no, uh...
37:25They don't pay for this.
37:26They don't pay for that.
37:27They don't pay for anything, darn near, except certain short-term acute care things.
37:33Now, good God, the average person can afford to handle an occasional acute care thing without paying all their life into it.
37:42And that's all they pay.
37:45Dr. Robert Butler is an eminent physician.
37:48If you're old, you better be smart and get a nice, acute, episodic illness.
37:53If you get a chronic, devastating disease, a stroke, for example, or Alzheimer's disease, you may wind up out in the cold, totally uncovered.
38:02Or you have to humiliate yourself through what is called spending down of income and assets to gain eligibility for Medicaid,
38:11which is a state-federal quasi-welfare program to take care of your health care needs.
38:17Medicare was set up as though older people were 40 years of age.
38:21It had provisions, benefits that takes care of you if you have to be in an acute hospital with a time-prescribed and defined episode.
38:31Not if you need outpatient medications, not if you need adequate foot care, hearing aids, long-term care in a nursing home.
38:39None of those are part of Medicare.
38:41And yet Medicare was advertised as being a solution to the health financing problems of older people.
38:47And basically you find out you're as deserted as you were a hundred years ago when you went to the poorhouse,
38:54if you didn't have any money.
38:57Because all the insurance I've paid all these years, all my working life, actually amounts to darn little, very little, if anything.
39:05This is the richest country in the world.
39:08And yet unlike many other societies, smaller and less well-to-do, we have not, not done as well with our older citizens as others have.
39:20And it's inexcusable, in my judgment, that this has happened to us in this country.
39:26Well, frankly, the future looks very bleak.
39:28I don't know what lies at the end of the road.
39:32I don't know what's going to happen.
39:39And the nearer I get to that period of time when my money runs out, the more frightened I become as to what is going to happen.
39:54And that isn't doing me any good either.
39:58Hopefully my wife doesn't realize this and maybe it isn't hurting her mentally.
40:02I don't know.
40:04I think she understands a lot more than we give her credit for.
40:09But because she can't speak away, we don't know just what is going through her mind.
40:15But I know what it's doing to me and it's wrecking me.
40:22I don't know what the end of the road is.
40:24I just don't know.
40:27I'm 76 years old.
40:29I'm not a young man myself.
40:31I've got a bad heart among other things.
40:36I don't know what the future could be.
40:38What could it be?
40:45We dream for our parents to spend their golden years together.
40:58Aging couples surrounded by loved ones.
41:03In their own homes.
41:07The mortgage paid.
41:10Somewhere in our bountiful country.
41:14our same time sweet sorrow.
41:28Naomi Hume has a home.
41:33She has loving children.
41:35And she has a good husband.
41:41How many years have we been married?
41:43years? We've been 10 married years married. Oh, how about 48? 48? 48 years we've been
41:53married. You're kidding me. No, I wouldn't kid you. Isn't that a long time?
41:59Remember Wayne and Barbara? Rod? And Diane? Don't you remember them? No, I don't remember
42:13that. Don't you remember them? Don't you remember Cheryl and Steve? Oh, yeah, Cheryl and Steve
42:18I remember. Little Anthony. Little Anthony. Always calls his Pop Pop. Pop Pop's car.
42:27Yeah. Remember that? How about Matthew? Huh? Matthew? Yeah, Matthew's the little baby. Matthew?
42:37Yeah, that's Wayne's little boy. You forgot him? Oh, you remember Matthew.
42:48Here's some juice for you, okay? Mr. Hume is 72. Have a drink. He's a retired federal employee.
42:55He was stricken by Alzheimer's disease a few years ago. How does he seem to you today,
43:01Mrs. Hume? He seems a little nervous, a little jittery. Mm-hmm. He frequently asks, well,
43:08yesterday I know he asked a lot about when can I go home? I want to go home. Even when
43:13he was home, he'd say, take me home. I would... What would you like? I would ride and...
43:22When I say I want to ride it. Take your time. Ride in the car? Yeah. Well, as soon as we get
43:31better, we'll take you for a ride in the car. Where would you like to go? I don't care.
43:37Mr. Hume has been in the hospital for a few weeks for an operation. Now he has to be discharged.
43:52The question is, where?
43:57There's a crucial conference between his doctor, his wife, and his daughter.
44:02She's very, very lonely at home. She's very lonely. I mean, they've been married for 48 years.
44:10You know, it's a long time. And then to see him in this condition, and to be home and not be with him,
44:16it's very hard for her. And, you know, we were just wondering, especially my mother was wondering,
44:23you know, if he could be discharged.
44:26My objective, of course, would be to try and get Mr. Hume home. The thing is, though, you can't take
44:33care of him. You can't physically take care of him. You can't do the kinds of things that would be
44:38necessary to sustain him. He's still my husband. That's right. And I just can't just throw him
44:45away. You're asking, you're really saying that you are willing to be on 24-hour guard duty.
44:52You can't sleep. Could you walk outside to look at a, to pick up the newspaper? Could you,
44:59could you go upstairs? Could you, even if you go to the bathroom, can you do that comfortably?
45:05You're really saying, can you live any kind of a life with your husband at home?
45:12He's in the hospital now temporarily. What are you saying in the future would be the best thing for
45:18my father? I would think that a nursing home where he can get round-the-clock care and supervision
45:24and the support that he needs, where he'll be comfortable. No, but how am I going to afford it?
45:32She will not be able to afford it. And Medicare, the federal health insurance for the elderly,
45:38will not help her. Because Medicare has failed the middle class in regard to the cost of custodial care,
45:47we're seeing an incredible phenomenon of middle class people who would have been frightened at
45:55the thought of turning to a welfare type program in the past. Now, beating down the doors of, of the
46:04programs that administer the Medicaid program. Now, I want to make it very clear, these people are not
46:10looking to rip off the system. I have no clients who come to me and say, I need Medicaid because I hear
46:17they'll pay all my bills and I don't have to pay. They're coming in here and saying, I would pay
46:21gladly for my husband or my wife if I could afford it. But I can't afford it and I need help. And the
46:30only help we can offer them is this program designed for the poor called Medicaid. Now, Medicaid is just that.
46:38It's a program that was enacted to provide health care services for the poor. And it requires state
46:43by state that you have very limited resources and very limited income. Here we have middle class
46:50people with, with lifetime savings in the thousands, far beyond whatever was dreamed of when Medicaid was
46:59enacted, saying, I need help from this program to the poor.
47:02The Hume children, Barbara, her husband Rod, and her brother Wayne, must now face the harsh
47:10facts of Medicaid. To become eligible, their mother must become poor. She has to hand over
47:17her husband's pension and his social security. She will be left with $350 a month.
47:22The first thing we did was contact some nursing homes, which we were very concerned about this. And
47:28contacting the nursing homes, we had gotten many conflicting stories as far as what would
47:32be covered, what wouldn't be, what wouldn't be covered. Finally, we went to an attorney. This
47:39attorney specializes with people with older age health problems. And he sat down and talked
47:45to us and we were very shocked when he told us that the, the Medicaid would take the entire
47:52income, leaving with her with this $350 a month. In fact, we could, we just couldn't believe
47:58it. And his only suggestion to us was that the, she could then sue her husband, who she loves
48:07very much, for, for lack of support. I mean, just, just the thought, just the thought and just
48:13to say, you know, my mother would have to sue my father for not supporting her. I mean,
48:19it's just like so, such a ridiculous statement to have to make. You know, my dad worked hard
48:25all of his life. He supported us. He, you know, he took care of us, you know.
48:30He took care of me, my sister, and even helped us all his life. I feel it's time that we try
48:37to help him. And that that's your father that used to play ball with you, that taught you
48:44everything, you know. Now you, you don't, uh, you just don't realize that I don't think
48:52he knows where he's at or, or, you know, or anything. It's, it's so hard.
49:00When I leave there, I try not to think so much of the way that he was that day. I try to think
49:08more so what he was when he was well. And I try to, in my mind, to keep those memories of
49:15him alive and, um, not so much of how he is now. It helps me a little bit personally. I mean,
49:25it's, it's not reality, but it helps a little bit to get through the pain.
49:31Well, mom, we know that dad's going to have to go into the nursing home. And now we just
49:35have to really... But with their mother, they have to hide their pain and confront reality
49:40squarely, harsh as it may be. They're going to take dad's pension, all of his pension, and
49:47they're going to take his, take a social security check. And you're going to be left with a grand
49:51total of $350. Well, we're willing to help you, certainly. I'm sure Wayne would. That
49:58would be an alternative. No, no. Mm-mm. If you didn't want to accept our support,
50:04how would... You're going to have to do the most. I've been independent all my life, and
50:07this is why I wouldn't want to do it. What would you do? $350 a month? You, you know,
50:13you couldn't live. Because you're going to need more money as far as your food, your
50:17transportation as far as your car, clothing, all these other medical expenses that you have.
50:21to put out. And I know that $350 is not going to be enough. I realize that. I'll have to
50:27find some other way, even if I go and get a part-time job. But how can you do that, Mom?
50:33Yeah, your health now, I don't think that's an option. If you try to get yourself a job,
50:37this $350 isn't enough to begin with. And if you're going to go out when you shouldn't
50:41go out looking for work, it's just going to put you under additional pressure. And that's
50:45going to be on your health. It's not going to solve any problems. It's just going to make
50:47the situation worse. Well, then I don't know where else to turn. I don't know where else to turn.
50:55The biggest asset you have or the biggest means of income that you have right now is the home
51:00itself. I think we've figured that the home may be worth about $40,000, $45,000. And if you were
51:07to sell the home and take that money, put it in a savings account and get yourself an
51:13apartment somewhere, it's not going to solve all your problems. But at least you have some
51:17money in a savings account that you can draw on to pay your living expenses that you have
51:22each month. It's going to give you some relief. Well, what about the principal is going to
51:26decrease every year? So that means she's going to be getting less every year. Every time she
51:31turns around, she'll have to draw on that money. And in time, it's going to run out.
51:36All right, so it's going to last about five, seven years, ten years. All right, then what's
51:39she going to do after that five years? What if I live eight more years? Or ten more years?
51:44What? She won't even have a home to live in. She sells the home now, and then what will
51:49she have in the future? This is something that her and dad is saved for. It's their home.
51:54I feel the same way. Rod and I both feel the same way. Why should they have to go out and
51:57sell it just to survive? Right. I agree with you 100%. Before we make a big step like selling a
52:03home that mom and dad work for all their lives, I think we should go try to find out other avenues.
52:09What are the avenues? You know, we've looked at them all. She's not going to work. She's
52:14not going to take our support. So what happened next month? You're getting $350 a month income.
52:19You're having these expenses. What happens then? The decision is yours. Whatever decision
52:26that you take, we're going to support you. But consider that you do have to make a decision,
52:32and you're going to have to make the decision that is best for you. And your options are to
52:35either stay at this home. If you do stay at this home, you're not going to have enough income
52:40to be able to maintain normal living conditions in a home like this.
52:49So finally, with all the love and the support she has around her, Naomi Hume is alone with
52:58her house and her decision. A painful, lonely decision.
53:03Loneliness. Yes, I am very, very lonely. When you spend 48 years with your husband, it's hard.
53:25Making decisions is hard. Very, very hard. And I want to make the right decisions. I want
53:51what's best for him. We've been 10 years married. We've been together all these years. Raised
54:04a family. I never thought that anything like this would ever happen to us.
54:10Clowns drifting by, echo a star. Parting is such sweet sorrow. I'm drifting too, dreaming of a
54:40new, till tomorrow.
54:51We all hope that our parents will live long and healthy lives. Sadly, sometimes they don't.
54:58Today there are six and a half million elderly, like Mr. Hume, who need long-term nursing care.
55:04When President Johnson signed Medicare into law 20 years ago, he said, every citizen will
55:10be able to insure himself against the ravages of illness in his old age. For many, that promise
55:17has not been kept. Yet the political mood right now is to cut back on all rising health costs.
55:24So who does pay? The rich can afford private care. The poor have Medicaid. It is middle-class
55:31Americans who alone have to bear the high costs of long-term care. By the year 2020, when the
55:38baby boomers reach their 70s, there will be 50 million of us. Who will take care of us?
55:47Next week on Frontline, we begin a special 12-part series on the Soviet people called Comrades.
55:55It's a rare glimpse inside the Iron Curtain at the lives of people we know so little about.
56:02One of them is Rita, a smart, ambitious Soviet woman who has achieved her dream, to be a teacher.
56:09If one of my pupils remembers me, even if it's only one, it will have made my life worthwhile.
56:16It's the story of a model Soviet citizen, enjoying life, falling in love, sharing her thoughts
56:26and feelings about her country, the Soviet Union.
56:31This first program is called The Education of Rita. It is next week on Frontline's special
56:37series, Comrades. I'm Judy Woodruff. Good night.
56:44I'm Judy Woodruff. Good night.
56:58¶¶
57:28¶¶
57:58For a transcript of this program, please send $4 to Frontline, Box 322, Boston, Massachusetts, 02134.
58:12Frontline is produced for the Documentary Consortium by WGBH Boston, which is solely responsible for its content.
58:21Funding for Frontline was provided by this station and other public television stations nationwide.
58:27And by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
58:33Schools, colleges, and other organizations interested in purchasing or renting videocassettes of this program may call 800-424-7963 or write PBS Video, Post Office Box 8092, Washington, D.C., 20024.
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