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Louis C.K. at the Dolby (2023) is a stand-up comedy special filmed live at the iconic Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles. In this performance, the Emmy-winning comedian brings his sharp wit, clever storytelling, and unique perspective on everyday life to the stage. With laugh-out-loud moments and memorable delivery, this special showcases Louis C.K.’s ability to connect with audiences through humor and relatable observations.
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Louis CK at the Dolby, Louis CK at the Dolby 2023, Louis CK at the Dolby movie, Louis CK at the Dolby full movie, Louis CK at the Dolby film, Louis CK at the Dolby trailer, Louis CK stand up 2023, Louis CK live at the Dolby, Louis CK comedy special, Dolby Theatre comedy show, Louis CK stand up full special, live comedy 2023, sharp observational humor, Emmy winning comedian performance, Louis CK storytelling comedy, Louis CK at the Dolby cast, Louis CK at the Dolby scenes, Louis CK stand up performance, live comedy film 2023
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Art et designTranscription
00:00:00Hey, what about these germaphobes?
00:00:03They can't shake your hand.
00:00:04They're going to give you the fist bump.
00:00:06You know what I do?
00:00:06I grab their fist.
00:00:07I hold my armpit for a count of six.
00:00:08Come on.
00:00:09Dolby, come on.
00:00:12The whole show is going to be like this.
00:00:14The whole show.
00:00:16Other comics use gimmicks like ability, timing, good material, talent, whatever.
00:00:22None of that stuff in my show.
00:00:23The whole thing, pure panic.
00:00:25Come on, my whole act is a side effect of Moderna.
00:00:30Let's party.
00:00:33If I took medication, I would take Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft all at the same time.
00:00:37Just walk around super anti-depressed.
00:00:40How do you feel, Greg?
00:00:41Hip, hip, hooray.
00:00:45High five, myself, no friends.
00:00:47There it is.
00:00:48Coming back.
00:00:49Don't leave me hanging.
00:00:50I got me.
00:00:51Party horn.
00:00:52Hip, hip, hip.
00:00:55Get it, ma'am?
00:00:57That's a paper thing on the horn.
00:00:58Hip, hip.
00:01:01I write these jokes myself.
00:01:04It's not too good.
00:01:06I'm my own writer, my own agent, my own manager, my own financial advisor.
00:01:10I'm driving the Greg Hahn empire into the ground.
00:01:17Have we started yet?
00:01:18All right, here we go.
00:01:20Hot crowd, hot crowd, hot crowd.
00:01:21Headbutt.
00:01:22Boom.
00:01:22A lot of stability out there.
00:01:23A lot of stable people.
00:01:26You know, couples, married people.
00:01:27Compare that to me.
00:01:28I travel around like a circus freak.
00:01:32Never married, no kids.
00:01:33I date girls half my age.
00:01:35You end up faced with yourself in the mirror.
00:01:36Like, what are you?
00:01:38Some kind of a genius.
00:01:40Woo!
00:01:42How am I pulling this off?
00:01:43I'm 87.
00:01:44I don't have money to raise a kid.
00:01:48I'm going to need that cash for a hair dye and a new Corvette.
00:01:51Come on!
00:01:54I'm shifting the vet.
00:01:55Don't call 911.
00:01:56I'm shifting the...
00:01:57Convertible.
00:01:58Toupee flies off.
00:01:59Boom.
00:02:00Spare toupee.
00:02:00Bang.
00:02:01All right.
00:02:08I'm going to find a wife tonight!
00:02:10God, I wish I was out there to see this right now.
00:02:13I'm on fire!
00:02:14I'm on fire!
00:02:16I'm going to sign a sitcom deal after this show.
00:02:18I'm going to be rich.
00:02:20All right.
00:02:20I got to get out of here, everybody.
00:02:21Thanks so much.
00:02:22Come on.
00:02:22Let's get this party rocking.
00:02:24What a crowd.
00:02:25What a night.
00:02:25Dolby Theater.
00:02:27Hollywood.
00:02:28Are you ready?
00:02:32Without any further ado, please welcome Louis C.K.
00:02:36Come on!
00:02:37Come on!
00:02:37Come on!
00:02:37Come on!
00:02:39Come on!
00:02:40Come on!
00:03:10Okay.
00:03:11Okay.
00:03:13All right.
00:03:14I'm going to talk to you for about an hour.
00:03:18And it's weird.
00:03:20It's weird what I do.
00:03:22Somebody asked me once if it takes confidence to...
00:03:25Nobody asked me, but I just want to talk about this.
00:03:27If it takes...
00:03:29It does take confidence to do this.
00:03:33It takes a, not a general confidence, but a specific kind, you know?
00:03:37There's lots of kinds of confidence.
00:03:39There's personal confidence.
00:03:41I don't have much of that.
00:03:42That's...
00:03:43Personal confidence is like a man wearing white pants.
00:03:46That takes, you know, tremendous confidence and optimism, really, to leave the house in white pants.
00:03:57Like, it's going to be a great day.
00:03:59There's going to be no puddles or pizza, nothing.
00:04:03I could never wear white pants, because I'll get my period, first of all.
00:04:12I know that.
00:04:12Or diarrhea, more likely.
00:04:20Which is...
00:04:21That's really my period.
00:04:24Diarrhea.
00:04:25About once a month, I'm like, oh, fuck.
00:04:27Here we go.
00:04:30Better just get home.
00:04:34And don't make any big decisions today.
00:04:39It's true.
00:04:39Don't make...
00:04:41You know, if you have diarrhea,
00:04:42don't, like, negotiate.
00:04:44It's a bad bargaining position.
00:04:47If I have diarrhea,
00:04:48you stand between me and the toilet,
00:04:50I'll sell you my house for 10 cents.
00:04:57So that's one kind of confidence.
00:05:01Here's another kind.
00:05:02Moral confidence.
00:05:04Moral confidence.
00:05:05That means knowing that you would do the right thing.
00:05:07Knowing that you wouldn't do something wrong.
00:05:09Moral confidence.
00:05:10You can have that in your daily life.
00:05:12because a lot of your days are the same.
00:05:13But what if you were in another time?
00:05:16Like, I would love to believe.
00:05:17I feel confident
00:05:19that I would not have had slaves.
00:05:22I wouldn't have done it.
00:05:23I wouldn't have done it.
00:05:25I wouldn't have had any.
00:05:29Even if I lived in 17-whatever
00:05:32in Virginia
00:05:34and all my neighbors had slaves,
00:05:35I would have been like,
00:05:36you guys are dicks.
00:05:37I can say that.
00:05:38I can say that.
00:05:43But it's easy to say that now
00:05:45because you can't get no slaves.
00:05:47You just can't...
00:05:48You can't get any.
00:05:52That's why you don't have slaves.
00:05:53It's not because you're better than back then people.
00:05:57It's because they're not available.
00:05:58That's a huge contributing factor.
00:06:03It's not a decision you need to make every day.
00:06:05Like, you're carrying your groceries.
00:06:07Oh, fuck.
00:06:08Maybe I should...
00:06:08I don't know.
00:06:09I better not.
00:06:09But, jeez, it would be easier.
00:06:13Because they're not there.
00:06:14It's not like they have slaves at Home Depot.
00:06:15I mean, they kind of do.
00:06:17But, yeah.
00:06:20There are some...
00:06:22forms...
00:06:24of kind of slavery.
00:06:28You can get a Russian woman to do whatever you want
00:06:30because her family's hostage.
00:06:31That's one of them.
00:06:33But that's still temporary.
00:06:35I mean, you can adopt, like,
00:06:36a 12-year-old from Bangladesh.
00:06:41I mean, really.
00:06:42He'll move into your house
00:06:43and do your laundry
00:06:44and suck your dick,
00:06:45whatever you want.
00:06:46But...
00:06:47even he gets to leave
00:06:49when he's 18.
00:06:52Although, who wants them
00:06:53when they're that old?
00:06:55I'm just saying...
00:06:56Excuse me.
00:06:58I'm just saying...
00:06:59that...
00:07:04slavery gets rebranded,
00:07:08but it doesn't really
00:07:08ever totally go away.
00:07:10I mean, it's been part of human history
00:07:12going way back.
00:07:14way back slavery.
00:07:16Even the earliest civilizations
00:07:18in Mesopotamia...
00:07:19I don't know if I didn't go to college.
00:07:20I don't know anything.
00:07:22But the earliest images
00:07:24of human life
00:07:25already had the guys going,
00:07:26ugh!
00:07:27And the guys going,
00:07:27ah!
00:07:28Motherfucker!
00:07:31How early did we come up with this?
00:07:34Like, from the beginning
00:07:35of human existence,
00:07:37we evolved, you know,
00:07:38through ideas.
00:07:39we were a scared naked ape
00:07:41and then we were like,
00:07:43make a fire.
00:07:45It's a good idea.
00:07:47Kill an animal
00:07:48and take his fur.
00:07:49It's a good idea.
00:07:51Plant things
00:07:52and then wait.
00:07:53It's a good idea.
00:07:55But really quickly
00:07:56we came up with,
00:07:57just make them fucking do it.
00:07:59I'm not doing anything.
00:08:01I'm doing nothing.
00:08:03Make them fucking do it.
00:08:07That was like our third thing
00:08:09we did on Earth.
00:08:16So you can have confidence,
00:08:17but you gotta be a little,
00:08:18you know...
00:08:20I mean, there's things
00:08:21that people did in history
00:08:21that I wouldn't have done,
00:08:23for sure.
00:08:23Like, I wouldn't have made
00:08:25an Auschwitz.
00:08:26I wouldn't have done that.
00:08:26What am I gonna do
00:08:28with an Auschwitz?
00:08:32Yeah, Auschwitz
00:08:32is not one of those
00:08:33where you're like,
00:08:34it was the times,
00:08:35you know?
00:08:36It was...
00:08:37It was a horrible thing.
00:08:40Obviously, Auschwitz.
00:08:42Horrible.
00:08:42They killed people.
00:08:43They killed children.
00:08:44They killed little children
00:08:45in Auschwitz
00:08:45who could have grown up
00:08:46and moved to Brooklyn
00:08:47and hated black people
00:08:48and they didn't get to do that.
00:08:51It's terrible.
00:08:52I know.
00:08:56I had a friend
00:08:58who's a comedian in England
00:09:00and he made a joke
00:09:00about Auschwitz
00:09:01and he got in a lot of trouble.
00:09:03It was a big shitstorm
00:09:04and at one point,
00:09:06Auschwitz tweeted
00:09:07about his joke.
00:09:11It's true.
00:09:12It's an Auschwitz
00:09:12with a blue check.
00:09:15So it was like,
00:09:15oh cool,
00:09:16it's really them,
00:09:16you know?
00:09:20And they tweeted like,
00:09:22that's not funny.
00:09:22Why is the death camp
00:09:28tweeting?
00:09:35Who's running
00:09:35the social accounts
00:09:37at Auschwitz?
00:09:39I got a summer job
00:09:40at Auschwitz.
00:09:44I'm running their Twitter.
00:09:45and I don't know.
00:09:52Moral confidence.
00:09:53There's other ways
00:09:53to boost your moral confidence.
00:09:55Like you can do good things.
00:09:59You know, or not.
00:10:01You can help people
00:10:05all the time.
00:10:05You can help homeless people.
00:10:06There's a lot of homeless people here.
00:10:08There's a shitload
00:10:09of homeless people.
00:10:10I mean, not in here.
00:10:12There's none in here.
00:10:13There's zero in here.
00:10:19That's right.
00:10:21They can't come in here.
00:10:24Even with a ticket,
00:10:25they cannot come in here.
00:10:29They're not allowed
00:10:30in the places
00:10:31where we're allowed.
00:10:34That's what we all agree on.
00:10:37Everybody's like,
00:10:38I don't know what to do
00:10:38about the homeless,
00:10:39but they're not coming in here.
00:10:40They're not coming in here.
00:10:41They're outdoor people.
00:10:44They don't have...
00:10:45If you don't have your own indoors,
00:10:47you can't go in
00:10:48other people's indoors.
00:10:55They can't go where we go.
00:10:59This place is where you'll never
00:11:00see a homeless person.
00:11:01Like the airport.
00:11:02There's no homeless people
00:11:03at the airport.
00:11:03You go to the bus station,
00:11:05they're on the bus
00:11:06beside you.
00:11:08But at the airport,
00:11:09they can't even get to it.
00:11:12They can't even get to it.
00:11:16You never seen a homeless person
00:11:17at the airport?
00:11:18You ever been at your gate
00:11:19and some guy's like,
00:11:19hey, man.
00:11:23I'm trying to get to Tokyo.
00:11:25Can you help me out?
00:11:26Give me an ILC, brother.
00:11:38And they're all over the country,
00:11:39everywhere now.
00:11:40I've been on tour.
00:11:41I've seen them everywhere.
00:11:42I was in Phoenix
00:11:42and it was during the summer,
00:11:45120 degrees.
00:11:47And homeless people
00:11:47are just standing
00:11:48at the intersection
00:11:49with a sign.
00:11:50And they're just,
00:11:51just cooking.
00:11:52You can't even tell
00:11:54what race he was
00:11:55before it burnt off.
00:12:00And he's holding a sign
00:12:01that says,
00:12:01help, I'm on fire.
00:12:07But you, you're like,
00:12:08you're in a white BMW.
00:12:09Like, I can't,
00:12:10I can't,
00:12:11sorry.
00:12:13There's glass here.
00:12:14I can't help
00:12:15because of the glass.
00:12:22And even here,
00:12:25you drive by them.
00:12:26In New York,
00:12:26you walk right by them.
00:12:27So in New York,
00:12:28they're right there.
00:12:28They're in your space.
00:12:29They're in your world.
00:12:30And you've got to make a choice.
00:12:31Every couple of blocks,
00:12:32you've got to make a choice.
00:12:33You can help or not.
00:12:35You've got to keep shooting.
00:12:35Now, you've got to put
00:12:36a limit on it somewhere
00:12:37because you're not
00:12:37going to help all of them
00:12:38and you're not going to
00:12:39help any of them,
00:12:40really,
00:12:42with a few bucks.
00:12:45But there's always that,
00:12:46like, there's a homeless guy
00:12:46who lives,
00:12:47he doesn't live anywhere,
00:12:48but I mean,
00:12:50he's by definition,
00:12:51he's at large.
00:12:54But he's often seen.
00:13:00He's always on the corner
00:13:01by my house.
00:13:02Same guy,
00:13:03every day.
00:13:04And I walk past him
00:13:05every day
00:13:05on the way to the store.
00:13:07I go to the same store
00:13:07every day.
00:13:08I go to Claire's.
00:13:09I don't know if you know Claire's.
00:13:11It's a jewelry store
00:13:12for children.
00:13:14I go there every day.
00:13:16I buy a handful of scrunchies
00:13:18and I run home.
00:13:19everything else
00:13:21I buy online.
00:13:27Anyway,
00:13:27when I walk by
00:13:28this homeless guy
00:13:28in the morning,
00:13:30he always goes,
00:13:30hey, man,
00:13:32can you help me out?
00:13:35And I go,
00:13:35sure,
00:13:36I give him five bucks.
00:13:37Then I go to the store.
00:13:38Five minutes later,
00:13:38I walk by
00:13:39and he says,
00:13:40hey, man.
00:13:41He doesn't remember.
00:13:42which is fine,
00:13:44but I don't want
00:13:45to give him another
00:13:45five bucks,
00:13:48you know?
00:13:49Because I only have
00:13:50a few million.
00:13:51I don't know why.
00:13:52I don't know why.
00:13:53I clearly should.
00:13:55I don't know
00:13:56what makes me go,
00:13:57hmm,
00:13:58hmm,
00:13:58hmm.
00:14:00You had your five dollars,
00:14:02young man.
00:14:03What?
00:14:03What am I going to spoil him?
00:14:08You know what I was
00:14:16thinking about today?
00:14:18I was thinking about Jesus.
00:14:23I was.
00:14:26Today,
00:14:26I was thinking about Jesus
00:14:28and after I came,
00:14:31I thought,
00:14:37well,
00:14:40I feel sorry for Jesus.
00:14:41That's how I feel.
00:14:42I don't know how much
00:14:43you know about Jesus,
00:14:44but I feel fucking bad
00:14:45for Jesus, man.
00:14:47I do.
00:14:47He had a hard life.
00:14:49I mean,
00:14:49the last day
00:14:49was particularly difficult,
00:14:50but
00:14:50if you look at pictures,
00:14:54he had to wear that,
00:14:55that thong,
00:14:56that fucking
00:14:57just dish rag,
00:14:59yanked up his balls,
00:15:01just,
00:15:01ugh.
00:15:04Carrying his cross,
00:15:05like,
00:15:05fuck,
00:15:06just a rash.
00:15:07Some people say
00:15:11you should live
00:15:11like Jesus.
00:15:12Who can live?
00:15:13He was insane.
00:15:14You can't live like that.
00:15:19He had a weird life.
00:15:20I'm reading about Jesus.
00:15:21I have this book
00:15:21about Jesus.
00:15:24I'm going to share it
00:15:25with you.
00:15:31Okay.
00:15:32this is a book
00:15:35about Jesus.
00:15:37Actually,
00:15:39only this much
00:15:40is about Jesus.
00:15:41Only that,
00:15:42just that part.
00:15:43The rest of it
00:15:45is just the Jews
00:15:46going like,
00:15:46and then we walked
00:15:48for 50 years
00:15:49in the desert,
00:15:50and we only had
00:15:52a little bit
00:15:53of oil.
00:15:53It was difficult.
00:15:55It's just,
00:15:56it's fucking verbose.
00:15:59Did you look at it?
00:15:59Just Jews.
00:16:01It just goes
00:16:02on and on it.
00:16:04And then Jacob
00:16:05bought a goat
00:16:06and,
00:16:07and Abraham
00:16:12lived to be 800.
00:16:14Yeah,
00:16:15I bet he fucking did too.
00:16:22The Jews
00:16:23in the early chapters
00:16:24are all like
00:16:24800 years old.
00:16:26And then God
00:16:27was like,
00:16:27I can't with these
00:16:28fucking Jews
00:16:29for 800 years.
00:16:32Heart disease
00:16:33starts today.
00:16:36So that's them.
00:16:43And that's Jesus.
00:16:44All those little parts,
00:16:45Jesus.
00:16:45And the weird part
00:16:46is it's not all,
00:16:47like,
00:16:47it's all the same story
00:16:49over and over again.
00:16:50They tell the same story
00:16:51about Jesus' life
00:16:52over again.
00:16:52First Matthew tells it,
00:16:54and then Mark is like,
00:16:55dude,
00:16:56that's not what,
00:16:57I'm fucking drunk.
00:16:58Here's what happened.
00:16:59I'll tell you what happened.
00:17:02Hey Paul,
00:17:03you weren't even here.
00:17:03Shut the fuck up.
00:17:06And I started reading it
00:17:09because I never read it.
00:17:09I was raised Catholic,
00:17:11but they don't encourage you
00:17:11to read in the church.
00:17:13They don't.
00:17:14They don't want you
00:17:15to read this.
00:17:16You know,
00:17:16Jews read this shit
00:17:17in Hebrew.
00:17:19And Baptists sit down
00:17:20and they read together,
00:17:20but the Catholics,
00:17:21they want you to come
00:17:22in the building.
00:17:22They want you to come in
00:17:23and they tell you.
00:17:25And you're like,
00:17:25can I read this?
00:17:26And they're like,
00:17:26I'll tell you what happened.
00:17:27Sorry,
00:17:29put the book down.
00:17:33But it's interesting
00:17:34because when you read
00:17:35the stories,
00:17:35you know,
00:17:35you think of them
00:17:36as lofty,
00:17:37kind of like,
00:17:38but some of them
00:17:39are just basic life
00:17:41in the Jesus life.
00:17:43Okay,
00:17:43here's one.
00:17:44This is,
00:17:45when he turned water
00:17:47into wine,
00:17:48this is his first miracle.
00:17:49This is John chapter two.
00:17:51Okay.
00:17:51And on the third day,
00:17:55there was a wedding
00:17:55in Cana of Galilee.
00:17:58And the mother of Jesus
00:17:59was there.
00:18:01And both Jesus was called
00:18:02and his disciples
00:18:04to the wedding.
00:18:05And when they wanted wine,
00:18:07the mother of Jesus
00:18:08saith unto him,
00:18:10they have no wine here.
00:18:18And Jesus saith unto her,
00:18:20woman,
00:18:21what have I to do with thee?
00:18:29Just life.
00:18:29Mary was a fucking alcoholic.
00:18:32He took her to a wedding.
00:18:34And there's no fucking wine,
00:18:35Jesus.
00:18:37What am I supposed to do here
00:18:39without wine?
00:18:42And he's like,
00:18:43mom,
00:18:44don't.
00:18:50anyway,
00:18:55you know,
00:18:55the rest of the story
00:18:56is that Jesus,
00:18:57he's at the wedding.
00:18:58They had no wine.
00:18:59The guy,
00:18:59so Jesus went to the guy
00:19:00running the wedding
00:19:01and he was like,
00:19:01look in the water barrel.
00:19:03like that,
00:19:05like a close-up magician.
00:19:06Why don't you take a look?
00:19:09Maybe it's not the Red Queen.
00:19:10Go ahead and flip that card over.
00:19:11What do you think?
00:19:13Told him to look
00:19:14in the water barrel
00:19:15and he looked
00:19:15and it was wine.
00:19:16He had turned
00:19:17all their water into wine.
00:19:19Everybody rejoiced.
00:19:20Except the guy
00:19:21running the wedding
00:19:21was probably like,
00:19:22we did need some water.
00:19:28This is actually
00:19:28a bigger problem.
00:19:33I have a feeling
00:19:34a lot of his miracles
00:19:35were met with mixed.
00:19:38Like,
00:19:38oh,
00:19:39thanks.
00:19:40That's great,
00:19:40Jesus.
00:19:42Fuck.
00:19:45Like Lazarus.
00:19:46Lazarus had been dead
00:19:47for four days
00:19:49and Jesus comes
00:19:50to town
00:19:50and he says,
00:19:51Lazarus,
00:19:52rise.
00:19:54And Lazarus
00:19:54comes out of the tomb
00:19:55like,
00:19:55and Lazarus' wife
00:20:00is like,
00:20:00are you fucking
00:20:01kidding me right now?
00:20:08But so,
00:20:09here's a story
00:20:09that I want you to,
00:20:10I want to read to you.
00:20:12This story,
00:20:13I've never seen it
00:20:15in a Jesus movie.
00:20:16This story is not
00:20:17in any movies
00:20:17about Jesus.
00:20:19and it's not,
00:20:21I've never,
00:20:21I never,
00:20:22until I sat and read this,
00:20:23I never heard this story
00:20:24because it's weird.
00:20:27This is a story
00:20:28of Jesus cursing
00:20:30a fig tree.
00:20:32Does anybody,
00:20:32by applause,
00:20:33know of this story?
00:20:35Okay,
00:20:35that's just enough
00:20:36to make it clear.
00:20:37This is true.
00:20:38I mean,
00:20:38it's not,
00:20:39nothing's true in here.
00:20:40But,
00:20:40I'm just kidding.
00:20:43I'm just kidding.
00:20:44I don't fucking know.
00:20:45What do I know?
00:20:46I wasn't there.
00:20:47I'm just trying
00:20:48to make it clear
00:20:48that I didn't make it up.
00:20:54They did.
00:20:55But anyway,
00:20:56all right,
00:20:56I don't know.
00:20:58Okay,
00:20:59here's the story.
00:20:59this is Mark chapter 11.
00:21:04It's when Mark went broke.
00:21:05And Jesus entered
00:21:16into Jerusalem
00:21:17and when he had
00:21:19looked around about
00:21:20and seen all things
00:21:22and the even tide
00:21:23was come,
00:21:25he went out
00:21:25unto Bethany
00:21:26with the twelve.
00:21:27See,
00:21:27Bethany was like a,
00:21:28like a suburb
00:21:29of Jerusalem.
00:21:31So he went in Jerusalem,
00:21:32you know,
00:21:32you see all the shit
00:21:33downtown,
00:21:33but you don't stay downtown.
00:21:35You go to the Marriott
00:21:37by the airport.
00:21:39That's what Bethany was.
00:21:41Okay.
00:21:43And on the morrow,
00:21:45when they come from Bethany,
00:21:47Jesus was hungry.
00:21:49And seeing a fig tree
00:21:51afar off having leaves,
00:21:53he came to it,
00:21:55if happily,
00:21:56he might find
00:21:56anything thereon.
00:21:59But when he came
00:22:00to the tree,
00:22:00he found nothing
00:22:01but leaves.
00:22:02for the time of figs
00:22:04was not yet.
00:22:09And Jesus answered
00:22:10and saith unto the tree,
00:22:12No man shall eat
00:22:14fruit of thee
00:22:15hereafter
00:22:16and forever.
00:22:22And the disciples heard it.
00:22:25And in the morning
00:22:26when they passed by,
00:22:27they saw the fig tree
00:22:28dried up from the roots
00:22:30and dead.
00:22:32And Peter calling
00:22:33to remembrance
00:22:34saith unto him,
00:22:35Master,
00:22:36behold the fig tree
00:22:37which thou dost
00:22:38courthest
00:22:39has withered away
00:22:41and died.
00:22:43And Jesus answered
00:22:44and saith unto them,
00:22:45Have faith in God.
00:22:47what the fuck
00:22:55kind of a Jesus story
00:22:56is that?
00:23:01Hey, Jesus,
00:23:02you killed a tree.
00:23:02That's right,
00:23:03motherfucker.
00:23:10What's the fucking
00:23:11point to this story?
00:23:11What is the moral
00:23:13that Jesus
00:23:16just killed a tree?
00:23:17He was hungry.
00:23:18He was fucking cranky.
00:23:20He was like,
00:23:21there's no figs.
00:23:22Fuck you, tree.
00:23:23You're fucking dead,
00:23:23you piece of shit.
00:23:24I wanted a fig.
00:23:26You're fucking dead.
00:23:27Watch this.
00:23:30And the tree's like,
00:23:31but the time of figs
00:23:32is not yet.
00:23:33I just,
00:23:34it's just not yet.
00:23:35I need another week.
00:23:37You want fruit
00:23:38out of season?
00:23:39Go to Whole Foods,
00:23:40you fucking Jew.
00:23:41I didn't do anything.
00:23:52You can't act like that,
00:23:54man.
00:23:55You can't act like that.
00:23:58You walk around
00:23:59acting like that,
00:24:00folks will nail you
00:24:01to a cross.
00:24:01That's what they'll do.
00:24:03They will.
00:24:04You got to fucking
00:24:05cool it, Jesus.
00:24:09He got a little,
00:24:10you know?
00:24:12That's really what happened.
00:24:14Got a little shitty.
00:24:16A little big,
00:24:17you know?
00:24:17He went to Jerusalem.
00:24:18That's a big town
00:24:19for a boy from Galilee.
00:24:22And he didn't just
00:24:23walk into Jerusalem.
00:24:23He walked in
00:24:24and his friends were like,
00:24:25King of the Jews, y'all!
00:24:27King of the motherfucking Jews!
00:24:33The Jews didn't like that.
00:24:34and the Jews were like,
00:24:36not my president,
00:24:37whatever, you know.
00:24:43So they nailed him
00:24:44to a cross.
00:24:45This is what they did.
00:24:47And this,
00:24:48the weirdest thing to me
00:24:48about Catholicism
00:24:50and all Christianity
00:24:51is this image.
00:24:52This image
00:24:53is the image
00:24:55of the biggest,
00:24:55most powerful religion,
00:24:57the cleanest religion.
00:24:58and it's a fucking
00:25:00dead guy
00:25:01with nails
00:25:03just,
00:25:03ugh,
00:25:04just blood.
00:25:06And it's in every
00:25:07polite room
00:25:08in the world.
00:25:10Every nice,
00:25:12quiet place.
00:25:13It's a fucking
00:25:13Jesus.
00:25:15And the president
00:25:17and his wife
00:25:17and they wear pearls
00:25:18and then we always
00:25:19go to look
00:25:20at the fucking,
00:25:21it's just weird.
00:25:22because it promotes
00:25:23nicely ideas
00:25:25like,
00:25:25honor thy mother
00:25:26and thy father
00:25:27because they,
00:25:28ah!
00:25:28Ah!
00:25:30It's just
00:25:31macabre.
00:25:37But I love it.
00:25:38I love the image.
00:25:39I love it.
00:25:41I was raised Catholic
00:25:41my whole life.
00:25:42I love this image.
00:25:43I stare at it.
00:25:45Every time I go
00:25:46by a church,
00:25:46if it's open,
00:25:47I go in
00:25:47because I want
00:25:47to see their Jesus.
00:25:49They all have
00:25:50a different Jesus.
00:25:51They're a little different.
00:25:52Some of them
00:25:53he's really suffering.
00:25:55And some of them
00:25:56he's just like,
00:25:56oh, well.
00:25:59I really got myself
00:26:01in a noodle
00:26:01this time, boy.
00:26:08Sometimes it was
00:26:09just a cross.
00:26:10Like, oh, fuck,
00:26:10where'd he go?
00:26:13Jesus got away.
00:26:18But they're all different.
00:26:19I was in a Korean church.
00:26:22and I saw a Korean Jesus.
00:26:24They had a Korean Jesus
00:26:25with the...
00:26:26Don't get mad.
00:26:29How else would I know?
00:26:31Let's just say what?
00:26:32Korean Jesus.
00:26:33Ugh.
00:26:34Whatever.
00:26:35Whatever.
00:26:40Jesus looks different.
00:26:41Mostly Jesus has blonde hair
00:26:43and blue eyes,
00:26:44which we know he didn't have,
00:26:45but that's who won everything
00:26:46so they get to draw him.
00:26:47The truth is,
00:26:50Jesus was black,
00:26:51but you don't see that often.
00:26:52Black Jesus.
00:26:53Hey, man,
00:26:53get me the fuck down from here.
00:26:55Whatever, all right.
00:27:00But everybody wants Jesus
00:27:02to look like them,
00:27:02so they make him,
00:27:03they draw him
00:27:03to look like them.
00:27:04That's why I don't like
00:27:05that he's always skinny.
00:27:07Jesus always rails
00:27:09and just fucking,
00:27:09I've been doing Pilates
00:27:11for months
00:27:11getting ready for this.
00:27:13It's not fair.
00:27:15You never see a fat Jesus.
00:27:17I never one time
00:27:18saw like just a fat Jesus.
00:27:23With like 10 nails
00:27:25in each hand.
00:27:35He might have been fat.
00:27:37We don't know.
00:27:38I'll tell you what Jesus was not
00:27:40is Korean.
00:27:48There's no Koreans in Jerusalem
00:27:50in the year one.
00:27:58But I was raised Catholic
00:27:59and I ended up walking away from that
00:28:01because I didn't like it.
00:28:03You know why?
00:28:03Because they tell you
00:28:04you're going to hell
00:28:04and they tell little kids that.
00:28:06you're five years old
00:28:08and the church
00:28:09with all its majesty
00:28:10and all the buildings
00:28:11and the clothes,
00:28:12they go up to a five-year-old
00:28:13and they're like,
00:28:14oh, you're going to hell.
00:28:16Oh, yeah.
00:28:19You're going right to hell.
00:28:22And you're five
00:28:23and you're like,
00:28:23what did I do?
00:28:25And the church is like,
00:28:27you know what you did,
00:28:28you piece of shit.
00:28:29and you're going to full hell too.
00:28:34There's no kids hell,
00:28:36you understand?
00:28:37You're going right to the show.
00:28:39If you're five years old,
00:28:41you steal a crayon from your sister
00:28:42and then you lie about it,
00:28:44you get hit by a truck.
00:28:45You're roommates with Hitler.
00:28:46There's no difference.
00:28:48There's no difference.
00:28:50They take in a room
00:28:51and they're pouring hot lead
00:28:53into Hitler's asshole.
00:28:54He's like,
00:28:54ah, no.
00:28:59And then you walk in there like,
00:29:01all right, step up.
00:29:01It's your turn.
00:29:05Hitler's like,
00:29:06oh, good luck, little fella.
00:29:17Poor Hitler, man.
00:29:19I mean, at this point,
00:29:21he's been down there
00:29:23for 75 years.
00:29:25He's probably nice now.
00:29:29Hitler's probably nice
00:29:30to newcomers in hell,
00:29:32you know?
00:29:33Hi.
00:29:33Yeah.
00:29:35Yeah, it's pretty bad.
00:29:36Yeah, yeah.
00:29:38Yeah.
00:29:38What's that?
00:29:39Oh, yeah, okay.
00:29:51I was so scared of hell
00:29:52when I was a kid.
00:29:54I remember when I found out
00:29:54that gay people go to hell,
00:29:56according to the church,
00:29:57and I got scared
00:29:58because I'm not gay,
00:29:59but what if God thinks I'm gay?
00:30:04What if I come off
00:30:05a little queer to the Lord?
00:30:09What if he happens to glance at me
00:30:10when I hit my toe
00:30:11and I'm like,
00:30:12ow,
00:30:12he's like,
00:30:12I know where you're going,
00:30:13you faggot.
00:30:19I mean, that's their thing.
00:30:20I don't believe that.
00:30:22God doesn't hate you
00:30:23because you're gay.
00:30:24God made you gay
00:30:25because he hates you.
00:30:31I'm just kidding.
00:30:33I'm kidding.
00:30:34There's no God.
00:30:39But you know who I feel sorry for?
00:30:42Who I really feel sorry for
00:30:43is a gay man's sperm.
00:30:49Just think about that.
00:30:50That's a tough destiny.
00:30:56Being a sperm inside of a gay man,
00:30:57this is hard luck.
00:31:01Because if you're gay,
00:31:02that's great.
00:31:03But your sperm is not gay.
00:31:08Your sperm is just excited,
00:31:09like,
00:31:09we're next, fellas.
00:31:10Here we go.
00:31:11Here we go.
00:31:11Is that shit right there?
00:31:34Is that shit right there?
00:31:36Who's shitting this chick's pussy?
00:31:43Who's shitting this chick's pussy?
00:31:43I was thinking about my life today.
00:32:09I was thinking about, like,
00:32:09when I grew up and...
00:32:11I was raised in an orphanage
00:32:13about a block from my parents' house.
00:32:15and, uh...
00:32:17It's a joke.
00:32:22My father, uh, is Mexican.
00:32:26And my...
00:32:27Mm-hmm.
00:32:28Yes.
00:32:29Six of you here.
00:32:30My father's Mexican.
00:32:35My mother is dead.
00:32:38So...
00:32:38I'm half dead on my mom's side.
00:32:42And I'm half Mexican.
00:32:44A lot of people don't believe I'm Mexican.
00:32:45When I tell them I'm Mexican,
00:32:46they say stupid things.
00:32:48They say things like,
00:32:49how can you look like that?
00:32:53What do you mean, how?
00:32:54Like, I'm trying to...
00:32:55Like, look, I'm not Mexican.
00:32:57No.
00:32:57I'm not Mexican at all.
00:32:59Then I get home, like,
00:33:01little senor.
00:33:14My parents, they got divorced
00:33:15when I was about 10.
00:33:17And, uh, I have kids now,
00:33:19and their parents are divorced, also.
00:33:23And, uh...
00:33:24I remember when we told our kids
00:33:28about that we were going to divorce.
00:33:30If you get divorced,
00:33:32you should tell your children.
00:33:35So,
00:33:36we had to do it carefully
00:33:38because they were five and two years old at the time.
00:33:40So, we had to put it in a way
00:33:42that they could comprehend.
00:33:44So, I remember we sat them down,
00:33:45and I said,
00:33:47okay, listen,
00:33:47you know how you love your dog?
00:33:48You love your dog.
00:33:51Like, sometimes you give your dog food
00:33:53from your plate.
00:33:54You're not supposed to,
00:33:54but you do that
00:33:55because you love your dog.
00:33:57Remember the other day
00:33:57your mom and I were like,
00:33:58don't give the dog any ham,
00:34:00but you did
00:34:00because you love your dog.
00:34:03Okay, so that's
00:34:04why we're getting a divorce.
00:34:09Because you don't listen.
00:34:10And we just can't take it anymore.
00:34:19It's just too hard
00:34:20to not be listened to.
00:34:24So, we're going to move to separate homes
00:34:26and each have you for half the week
00:34:28because neither of us
00:34:29wants to have you all the time anymore.
00:34:33Yeah, and it's very sad
00:34:35because I love your mother very, very much.
00:34:37And she loves me so much.
00:34:40but we hate you more.
00:34:52That's how we handled it.
00:34:55You do your best, you know?
00:34:59That's all you can do with your kids.
00:35:00Do your best.
00:35:01Nobody fucking knows
00:35:02right from wrong.
00:35:03When I was a kid,
00:35:04they just taught us things
00:35:05to try to keep us
00:35:06just shut the fuck up.
00:35:08Our morals were just
00:35:10shut the fuck up.
00:35:13Things like
00:35:13slow and steady
00:35:15wins the race.
00:35:17They taught us that.
00:35:19Slow and steady
00:35:21wins the race.
00:35:23Really, does it win the race?
00:35:27You know what beats slow and steady?
00:35:30Fast and steady.
00:35:31kicks the shit out of slow and steady.
00:35:37Slow and steady beats old and retarded.
00:35:39That's about it.
00:35:42Stop telling that to kids.
00:35:43A lot of what they teach kids
00:35:48is just to make them polite people.
00:35:50You know?
00:35:51Like they teach them
00:35:52that there's words you shouldn't use.
00:35:53There's bad words.
00:35:54Don't use the bad words.
00:35:55I can't teach my kids that
00:35:56because I do this for a living.
00:35:59But I didn't want my kids
00:36:00to be, you know, assholes.
00:36:02So I used to tell them like,
00:36:03okay, look, there's no bad words.
00:36:05There's no bad words.
00:36:06All words are good, bad, nothing.
00:36:08But there's some people
00:36:09that get upset
00:36:10when you use certain words.
00:36:11So if you're going to use those words,
00:36:13look at the person first
00:36:14and try to guess
00:36:15if they're that kind of person.
00:36:27Sometimes you can offend somebody
00:36:28when you weren't even trying to.
00:36:30Like there's certain phrases,
00:36:33certain statements
00:36:34that if you're going to say them,
00:36:36you should say them
00:36:37without stopping in the middle.
00:36:40Certain things,
00:36:40if you're going to say them,
00:36:41don't clear your throat
00:36:42in the middle.
00:36:44Okay?
00:36:45You don't want to say things like,
00:36:46there are too many black people
00:36:48suffering from discrimination.
00:36:58We need to stop the Jews
00:37:02from feeling excluded.
00:37:12I once fucked a baby
00:37:14and then I fucked him again.
00:37:22See, I'm going to get through that one.
00:37:24otherwise people get the wrong idea.
00:37:28They'll think you only
00:37:29fucked that baby once.
00:37:37But it's tricky, you know,
00:37:38if you're trying to teach your kids
00:37:39right from wrong,
00:37:39you got to choose a side often
00:37:41because not everybody agrees
00:37:42on what's right and wrong.
00:37:43So how do you know?
00:37:44You know, like abortion.
00:37:45Some people think it's murder.
00:37:47Some people don't.
00:37:48I personally,
00:37:48I think people should get abortions,
00:37:51like a lot,
00:37:52like as many as you can.
00:37:53You should try
00:37:54to get a lot of abortions.
00:37:58You know why?
00:37:59Because it creates jobs.
00:38:02More abortions,
00:38:03more jobs
00:38:04for the doctors
00:38:06and the nurses
00:38:06and the dumpster guy.
00:38:08Everybody gets a job.
00:38:10They have to work.
00:38:11How are they going to feed their kids
00:38:13if you don't kill yours?
00:38:14It's a whole,
00:38:15you've got to think of everybody.
00:38:17Abortion is a big topic,
00:38:24of course,
00:38:24because Roe v. Wade
00:38:25was overturned.
00:38:26Roe versus Wade,
00:38:27of course,
00:38:27we all know what this is.
00:38:28This was a court case.
00:38:30Roe was a woman
00:38:31who wanted an abortion
00:38:32and Wade was the baby,
00:38:34I guess.
00:38:34I don't know.
00:38:35I'm just assuming.
00:38:44I never found out
00:38:44who Wade was.
00:38:46Wade must have been the baby.
00:38:47Anyway.
00:38:52But now that we don't have that,
00:38:54every state has to come up
00:38:55with their own law
00:38:56based on how people feel.
00:38:57They have to listen to people
00:38:58and see how they feel.
00:38:59I think most Americans feel,
00:39:01on average,
00:39:01the same thing about abortion.
00:39:02they feel like people
00:39:03should be able to get abortions
00:39:04if they need them.
00:39:05But, you know,
00:39:06just keep it down a little bit.
00:39:08That's all.
00:39:08That's just,
00:39:08just say,
00:39:10go ahead.
00:39:10But, you know,
00:39:11come on.
00:39:11Come on.
00:39:13You know,
00:39:13do it,
00:39:13but don't be like,
00:39:14whoo-hoo-hoo!
00:39:15Like, just, you know.
00:39:20So we need a law
00:39:21that covers that,
00:39:22that keeps it available
00:39:23but limits it.
00:39:24Here's what I think
00:39:24we should do.
00:39:25Let's make this law.
00:39:26You can get an abortion
00:39:27anytime, anywhere,
00:39:28but if you get an abortion,
00:39:30you have to eat it.
00:39:31I think that's fair.
00:39:32because that'll keep it,
00:39:34that'll make you,
00:39:35hmm.
00:39:37Fuck,
00:39:37I gotta eat it?
00:39:41I better do it soon.
00:39:43I better do it soon.
00:39:43just trying to make everybody happy,
00:39:58you know.
00:40:03Some,
00:40:03some Catholics believe
00:40:05that contraception is murder.
00:40:07they think if you wear a condom,
00:40:09if you stop a sperm
00:40:10from getting to an egg,
00:40:11you killed a possible baby.
00:40:13By that logic,
00:40:14I could say that any woman
00:40:15that won't fuck me
00:40:16is a murderer.
00:40:16let me tell you,
00:40:22there's a bunch of
00:40:22murdering bitches out there.
00:40:24But,
00:40:25murder is a weird
00:40:30law structure also.
00:40:31That's not a sentence,
00:40:32didn't make any sense,
00:40:33but murder should be simple
00:40:36because it's a binary crime.
00:40:37You kill somebody,
00:40:37you don't,
00:40:38they're alive or they're dead.
00:40:39It's one or the other.
00:40:40But the,
00:40:40but the laws around murder
00:40:41are a little murky.
00:40:42One person could kill somebody,
00:40:43get a hundred years.
00:40:44Somebody else gets 20.
00:40:46Why?
00:40:46What's the difference?
00:40:47Here's what they base
00:40:48your sentence on
00:40:48with murder.
00:40:49They base it on
00:40:50how you felt
00:40:52when you murdered them.
00:40:54That's weirdly important.
00:40:57They say,
00:40:58okay,
00:40:58you shot him in the face.
00:41:01But what was up with you, man?
00:41:03Like what was going on?
00:41:05Like,
00:41:06come on.
00:41:12I think if you murder somebody,
00:41:13your sentence should be based
00:41:14on how old the person was
00:41:16that you murdered.
00:41:17That should matter.
00:41:19How much of their life
00:41:19did you take away?
00:41:20Like if you see
00:41:21a three-year-old girl
00:41:22in the park
00:41:22and you just kick her to death.
00:41:28It's a hypothetical.
00:41:29Fucking grow up.
00:41:30It's a hypothetical.
00:41:31I'm not asking you
00:41:31to go do that.
00:41:34I'm just asking you
00:41:35to just really imagine
00:41:37kicking a three-year-old
00:41:40till she's dead.
00:41:42if you kill a three-year-old,
00:41:57you should do a lot of time.
00:41:59You should do a lot of time.
00:42:00Unless she's got like diabetes.
00:42:01You got to work at all him.
00:42:02But,
00:42:02but what if
00:42:05what if you kill somebody
00:42:09who's like 98?
00:42:10He's 98.
00:42:13And he's like in a hospice.
00:42:14He's not even good 98.
00:42:18He's in a hospice.
00:42:19You know what hospice is?
00:42:20It's like a hospital
00:42:21where they don't try to help you.
00:42:24And see,
00:42:24there's a guy,
00:42:25he's like 98 in a hospice.
00:42:26He's got,
00:42:27he's got cancer
00:42:28and AIDS
00:42:30and AIDS
00:42:30and COVID.
00:42:33And he's like,
00:42:34and they just unplugged him.
00:42:36He's like,
00:42:36and right then you walk in,
00:42:39shoot him right in the face.
00:42:49You should get like five minutes for that.
00:42:50I was thinking about that today.
00:43:01I was,
00:43:02because I'm going to see my dad next week.
00:43:05And my dad,
00:43:06let me tell you something.
00:43:07Okay.
00:43:07My father
00:43:08is not in a hospice.
00:43:11My dad is in a facility
00:43:13being kept alive
00:43:15for whose benefit?
00:43:17I don't get it.
00:43:18It's just,
00:43:19he's,
00:43:19and I just put food in
00:43:21and,
00:43:21and just,
00:43:23come on,
00:43:24keep going.
00:43:26Like,
00:43:27what does he have?
00:43:27A secret he hasn't told yet?
00:43:34Because,
00:43:34look,
00:43:35my mom just died.
00:43:36She just died.
00:43:38That's how it works.
00:43:38By the way,
00:43:39for you young people,
00:43:40here's how life goes.
00:43:41One of your parents
00:43:42is going to die
00:43:43and the other one
00:43:44is just never
00:43:46going to fucking die.
00:43:49They just will
00:43:50never
00:43:50fucking die.
00:43:52ever.
00:43:59And guess what?
00:44:00It's not the one you wanted.
00:44:04Nope.
00:44:07It's not the one
00:44:08you wish to have kept.
00:44:11It's not your good parents.
00:44:13Nobody's got two good parents.
00:44:16You have a nice one
00:44:17and a shitty one.
00:44:19And the nice one just dies
00:44:20because that's what nice people do.
00:44:21I'll just die.
00:44:22I don't want to bother everybody.
00:44:29And the shitty one
00:44:30just hangs in there.
00:44:31I'm still here.
00:44:37Another day of this.
00:44:40Why?
00:44:45What the fuck
00:44:47for the long life?
00:44:51You can live too long,
00:44:53I think.
00:44:54You can live too long.
00:44:56Some people are a hundred.
00:44:58Get the fuck out of here.
00:45:02Nobody knows you.
00:45:03What are you going to run into somebody?
00:45:12Hey!
00:45:21Some people are even older.
00:45:23Some people are...
00:45:24You ever read about
00:45:25the oldest person in the world?
00:45:26There's always an oldest person.
00:45:27And sometimes you read about them
00:45:29because the other one just died.
00:45:31That's when they tell you
00:45:32that there's a new oldest person.
00:45:35Last one I read about
00:45:36was 114.
00:45:39114.
00:45:40He's a teenager
00:45:41after a hundred.
00:45:42You know what that means?
00:45:51That means he's got a kid
00:45:52who's like 92.
00:45:56Who's like,
00:45:56please fucking die.
00:46:02I'm just hanging around
00:46:03so I can have one week
00:46:04without you in it.
00:46:05I mean,
00:46:14here's the bad news.
00:46:14You're going to die.
00:46:16But here's the good news.
00:46:17When you get closer,
00:46:18you're going to want to fucking die.
00:46:20It doesn't keep being good.
00:46:22You don't get to keep your life
00:46:23the way it is.
00:46:24Like,
00:46:24I'm 55.
00:46:25Both hands hurt.
00:46:27Both hands.
00:46:28Both my hips hurt.
00:46:29I'm lucky I have only one asshole.
00:46:31The whole fucking body hurts.
00:46:34When you're like in your 30s,
00:46:35you don't even think about it.
00:46:36You're like,
00:46:36because here's like,
00:46:37there's the beginning of your life
00:46:38and there's the end.
00:46:39So like,
00:46:39you start like in your 30s,
00:46:41like here by your 30s,
00:46:42you just shuffle.
00:46:42You don't even wear this movement.
00:46:44You're just shuffling along.
00:46:45Hey,
00:46:46this life is good.
00:46:47It's pretty cool.
00:46:48And then somewhere
00:46:48you're kind of aware
00:46:49that way down there
00:46:50people are falling off the edge.
00:46:54Weird.
00:46:57And then you're not thinking,
00:46:58then all of a sudden
00:46:58you're close and you're
00:46:59oh fuck,
00:47:00I knew that guy.
00:47:00Oh my God.
00:47:02Holy shit.
00:47:05But there's signs
00:47:08that your time
00:47:08is coming to an end,
00:47:09you know?
00:47:10Like,
00:47:10like they don't make
00:47:11my shampoo anymore.
00:47:13They don't make it.
00:47:15It's like,
00:47:15why'd you stop?
00:47:16Like,
00:47:16you're the only one.
00:47:17Nobody fucking cares about you.
00:47:20And so I thought,
00:47:21I'm like,
00:47:21I'm going to make my own.
00:47:23I'm going to make my own shampoo.
00:47:25I'm going to look it up online.
00:47:26I'm going to look at the ingredients.
00:47:28I'm going to make my own.
00:47:29And I found myself at a dinner
00:47:31telling a table full of people.
00:47:35So I decided to make my own shampoo.
00:47:44That's one of those moments
00:47:45where you tell yourself,
00:47:46just don't tell folks anything.
00:47:49You don't need to say it out loud.
00:47:50Just do what you're doing
00:47:51and die as soon as possible.
00:47:52Do I have a huge stain?
00:48:01Yeah,
00:48:01that's all right.
00:48:02Sorry.
00:48:03So what?
00:48:06Okay.
00:48:09No,
00:48:10no,
00:48:10who's running?
00:48:12Oh,
00:48:12okay.
00:48:13I thought they were coming
00:48:14to bring me something.
00:48:15There's nothing you can do.
00:48:17You'd have to change my whole lifestyle
00:48:18for the rest of the show.
00:48:22It doesn't matter.
00:48:27I'm fat.
00:48:28I'm fat.
00:48:28I'm a fat guy.
00:48:29I'm fat.
00:48:30I'm fat.
00:48:31My pronouns are that fat fuck.
00:48:39But here's the thing.
00:48:40I have body dysmorphia.
00:48:42I think I look good.
00:48:44I like this.
00:48:45I'm fine with it.
00:48:46I decided to stop exercising.
00:48:53That's what I decided this year.
00:48:55I'm not doing it anymore.
00:48:56I made it to 55.
00:48:58If I stop exercising now,
00:48:59it just means I might make 75
00:49:01instead of 78.
00:49:02It's not that big a fucking deal.
00:49:04I'm just not going to do it.
00:49:06You know who inspired me?
00:49:07It was Trump.
00:49:08It's the one thing he said
00:49:09that I liked.
00:49:10I don't know if you've ever heard this,
00:49:11but Trump believes.
00:49:12He just believes.
00:49:13Nobody told him this.
00:49:16But he believes that you should move
00:49:17as little as possible
00:49:19because you have a finite amount of movements
00:49:23and then you just stop.
00:49:26He believes that.
00:49:27He just went,
00:49:27yeah, that sounds right.
00:49:28And he just thought it up.
00:49:29And he's proving it to be true.
00:49:34I mean, it's fucking working.
00:49:39I don't like the new exercise either.
00:49:40I don't like the Peloton.
00:49:42You know,
00:49:44it's a bike you ride
00:49:45and there's a video
00:49:46that encourages you.
00:49:47And they have that mirror
00:49:48that you stand there
00:49:49and it teaches you exercises.
00:49:52Then they have that gun
00:49:53you put in your mouth
00:49:53and you fucking...
00:49:56Okay.
00:49:59Now, you shouldn't kill yourself.
00:50:07That's why I think
00:50:08you should not kill yourself.
00:50:09That's my opinion.
00:50:10I don't know you.
00:50:11Ask somebody that knows you.
00:50:14But my general feeling
00:50:15is you shouldn't kill yourself.
00:50:16You know why?
00:50:16Because you're going to die anyway.
00:50:18You're going to die.
00:50:19What are you getting violent for?
00:50:20It's going to happen.
00:50:22I wish I was dead.
00:50:23You will be.
00:50:24Just sit there.
00:50:24You don't have to do anything.
00:50:29It really is the most effective argument
00:50:31against suicide
00:50:32is that you're going to die either way.
00:50:34It also happens to be
00:50:34the best argument for suicide
00:50:36which is awkward.
00:50:38Go ahead.
00:50:39You're going to die if you don't.
00:50:44Anyway.
00:50:46A friend of mine
00:50:47sent me a porn the other day.
00:50:50Folks can just send you pornography now.
00:50:55It was a porn.
00:50:55It was two old men.
00:50:59Like really old guys.
00:51:01Really old.
00:51:02And they were sucking each other's cocks.
00:51:05Like really sucking each other's cocks.
00:51:08They were so old.
00:51:09I was surprised they were doing anything.
00:51:12But there they were.
00:51:13One of them is like
00:51:14sitting on the edge of a bed
00:51:15and his socks have fallen.
00:51:17You know.
00:51:17And the other guy
00:51:21is on his knees
00:51:21on a pillow
00:51:22and he's just fucking
00:51:23blowing the guy.
00:51:27Then they switched places.
00:51:29I watched long enough
00:51:30to see them switch places.
00:51:37And when the second guy was done
00:51:38I called my friend
00:51:40and said
00:51:40why did you send me this?
00:51:44He said
00:51:45because it's amazing.
00:51:47and it really was
00:51:48you know
00:51:49it really was
00:51:51I've watched it a few times
00:51:53because it's
00:51:55it doesn't turn me on
00:51:56it's inspiring
00:51:57because you
00:51:59like go fellas
00:52:00because you worry
00:52:03about old guys
00:52:04you know
00:52:05you see an old man
00:52:06walking by himself
00:52:07with just a grapefruit
00:52:08in a plastic bag
00:52:09you know
00:52:09and you're like
00:52:11oh shit
00:52:12that's horrible
00:52:13maybe he's going to
00:52:14suck another guy's cock
00:52:15life might be better
00:52:17than you think
00:52:18it's interesting
00:52:24because porn used to be
00:52:25like you go find
00:52:26your thing
00:52:27you know
00:52:27but now it's
00:52:28if you go to a porn site
00:52:29it's everybody's stuff
00:52:30you can put in a search word
00:52:31to narrow it down
00:52:32or you can look around
00:52:34find new things
00:52:37I saw a fart porn
00:52:39one time
00:52:40it was a fart porn
00:52:41I never thought
00:52:43I'd be turned on
00:52:43by farts
00:52:43I'm not interested
00:52:44in farts
00:52:45farts are okay
00:52:46I'm farting right now
00:52:47I've been farting
00:52:47this whole time
00:52:48and I didn't want to watch
00:52:53it because it was
00:52:53a fart porn
00:52:53it was because of the title
00:52:54the title is what got me
00:52:56the title was
00:52:57nice girl
00:52:58farts in your face
00:53:00who's not going to watch that
00:53:03nice girl
00:53:06farts in your face
00:53:09so I click on it
00:53:13and there's this girl
00:53:15standing there
00:53:15I'm like
00:53:16she is nice
00:53:17she's totally nice
00:53:19she's just a nice girl
00:53:20standing there
00:53:20pink sweater
00:53:22with little blue buttons on it
00:53:23and she's looking at the camera
00:53:25and she says
00:53:25hi
00:53:26I'm so glad to see you
00:53:28I was like
00:53:30wow
00:53:30she made me feel good
00:53:31you know
00:53:31and then she turns around
00:53:33like she's reaching
00:53:34she goes
00:53:34I gotta show you something
00:53:35I bought
00:53:36and she's reaching up
00:53:36and all of a sudden
00:53:37and I was like
00:53:38oh my god
00:53:39I mean
00:53:41it was in the title
00:53:42I knew it was going to happen
00:53:43but I was like
00:53:43oh my god
00:53:44she just farted
00:53:45right in my face
00:53:46she seemed so nice
00:53:49but the best part
00:53:53is when she
00:53:54her reaction
00:53:55because I thought
00:53:55she would be like
00:53:56that's right
00:53:56I farted in your face
00:53:57but she wasn't
00:53:59she was like
00:53:59oh my god
00:54:01oh my god
00:54:02I'm so sorry
00:54:03I can't believe
00:54:04that happened
00:54:05I've never been that hard
00:54:06in my entire life
00:54:07I was so excited
00:54:08because I realized
00:54:12it's not really
00:54:13about the fart
00:54:14it's about the shame
00:54:15it's about the sexy shame
00:54:19of a truly nice girl
00:54:21who just thunder farted
00:54:24right in your face
00:54:25and she regrets it
00:54:26here's the worst part
00:54:32I can't find one that good again
00:54:33I can't
00:54:34they're never that good
00:54:35I've been chasing the dragon
00:54:36on this fart porn
00:54:37for months
00:54:38it's just always
00:54:41some bored chick
00:54:42hello
00:54:42like
00:54:44come on
00:54:45tighten it up
00:54:46would you
00:54:46a little bit
00:54:47I have been dating
00:54:56recently
00:54:56dating's not fun
00:54:57dating's horrible
00:54:59nobody wants a date
00:55:00even if you meet somebody
00:55:01and you really want to go out
00:55:02with them
00:55:02and they say yes
00:55:03you're excited in that moment
00:55:04but the day of the date
00:55:05you're like
00:55:06I don't want to fucking do this
00:55:07I don't want to do this
00:55:07every time I'm ringing a doorbell
00:55:09to pick a woman up
00:55:10I'm like
00:55:10I hope she's dead in there
00:55:11I really do
00:55:12I hope something awful happened
00:55:14I don't want to sit
00:55:16in a place
00:55:17and breathe unevenly
00:55:18for three hours
00:55:19and just sweating
00:55:21where your body is folded
00:55:22and just
00:55:23uh-huh
00:55:24you ever have a day
00:55:28that goes well
00:55:29it's like good
00:55:30from the beginning
00:55:31you're like
00:55:32you get a little laugh
00:55:32at the beginning
00:55:33hi ha ha
00:55:33something funny
00:55:34and they both laugh
00:55:36feels good
00:55:37you see you agree on stuff
00:55:38when you don't agree
00:55:39you laugh about it
00:55:40you're even able to be quiet
00:55:41a little bit
00:55:42while you're eating
00:55:42and it's nice
00:55:43feels comfortable
00:55:43and then you drop them off
00:55:45you're like
00:55:45I hope I see you again
00:55:46and she says
00:55:47I hope so too
00:55:48and you feel like
00:55:48this is something new in my life
00:55:50this is wonderful
00:55:51then you go home
00:55:52and your wife is like
00:55:54where were you all night
00:55:55you know
00:55:55you're just fucking
00:55:56but
00:55:57but I'm older now
00:56:05I'm divorced
00:56:07and I still date
00:56:08mostly women
00:56:09who are younger than me
00:56:10recently
00:56:10because that's
00:56:11who looks better
00:56:12no no
00:56:14that's true
00:56:15but I'm not
00:56:18I don't like
00:56:19I've always been with women
00:56:20my age
00:56:20or older
00:56:21I was married to a woman
00:56:22a year older than me
00:56:22for 10 years
00:56:23and that's always been
00:56:24the way I am
00:56:25but you know
00:56:26there's some guys
00:56:26that have to be
00:56:27with a younger woman
00:56:28there's cultures
00:56:29that believe
00:56:30the man should be
00:56:30much older
00:56:31like there's religions
00:56:32that have like
00:56:33a formula
00:56:33you know
00:56:34like take the man's age
00:56:36and subtract 10
00:56:38and then whatever else
00:56:39you have to do
00:56:40to get to 12
00:56:40just get to
00:56:41just
00:56:43just solve for 12
00:56:45but I didn't
00:56:51suddenly get interested
00:56:52in younger women
00:56:52what happened was
00:56:53I got older
00:56:53and they got interested
00:56:54in me
00:56:55because younger women
00:56:55like older guys
00:56:56they just do
00:56:57the other part
00:56:58nobody says
00:56:58I don't do anything
00:56:59to get younger women
00:57:00I just stand there
00:57:01like this
00:57:01and they see me
00:57:03and they're like
00:57:04that would be so weird
00:57:05to fuck that old guy
00:57:06and then we get blamed
00:57:09the older guy
00:57:10always gets blamed
00:57:11you see an older man
00:57:12with a young woman
00:57:13everybody's like
00:57:13that guy's a pervert
00:57:14no she's a pervert
00:57:16he's normal
00:57:18he likes pretty women
00:57:19she likes that
00:57:21what the fuck
00:57:24is wrong with her
00:57:25and they're weird
00:57:29I was having sex
00:57:30with this woman
00:57:31and she was about 35
00:57:32and we're in bed
00:57:33she starts calling me daddy
00:57:34I was like
00:57:35please don't
00:57:36young lady
00:57:37please don't do that
00:57:38she said
00:57:40why does it make you
00:57:41uncomfortable
00:57:41when I call you daddy
00:57:42during sex
00:57:43is it because
00:57:43you have daughters
00:57:44I said no
00:57:45it makes me uncomfortable
00:57:46because I have a father
00:57:48and I used to call him daddy
00:57:52when he fucked me
00:57:55by the way
00:58:03thanks for laughing at me
00:58:04because I got fucked
00:58:05by my dad
00:58:06I was not laughing
00:58:10at the time
00:58:10because I was coming
00:58:12because he
00:58:14he fucked me good
00:58:16my daddy
00:58:17fucked me so good
00:58:19it's not his fault
00:58:21I made him do it
00:58:22I was such a brat
00:58:24I was 10
00:58:25I was like
00:58:25daddy fuck me
00:58:26poor guy
00:58:29he's like
00:58:29I know I'm spoiling
00:58:30this child
00:58:31but I can't say no
00:58:32thank you very much
00:58:37for coming
00:58:37I hope that you
00:58:38enjoyed the show
00:58:39thank you for coming
00:58:41to get home safe
00:58:42thank you
00:58:42goodnight
00:58:43thank you
00:58:59Applaudissements.
00:59:29Applaudissements.
00:59:59Applaudissements.
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