- 4 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Music
00:00:09Music
00:00:13Music
00:00:19Music
00:00:25Music
00:00:27Morning, Martha.
00:00:42Hi, Eric.
00:00:43Is that your sister?
00:00:44Oh, yeah, sure is.
00:00:46Hi.
00:00:47Smells like piss back here.
00:00:49Wow.
00:00:50I thought your sister was kidding when she said you were a buzzkill.
00:00:52Oh, my God.
00:01:01Shannon?
00:01:02Hey, Shannon.
00:01:03Shannon!
00:01:04Shannon!
00:01:12Great.
00:01:12Now we're going to have to clean up after a bunch of sweaty lezzies.
00:01:16God, what is with you tonight?
00:01:18Why did you have to tell that guy I'm a buzzkill?
00:01:20Oh, my God.
00:01:21Shannon Jackson?
00:01:22What?
00:01:22It's me, Kristen.
00:01:24I work at the front desk.
00:01:26Oh, my God.
00:01:26Okay.
00:01:27You remember?
00:01:28Kristen Metz?
00:01:29Wow.
00:01:29Oh, my God.
00:01:30You don't remember me.
00:01:31No?
00:01:32Kristen?
00:01:32Remember?
00:01:33I was like, oh, my ankle.
00:01:35Ow.
00:01:36Did I kick you in the ankle?
00:01:37Oh, then I was like, I'm going to sign my cast.
00:01:39And then you couldn't, you didn't do it.
00:01:42But, um, God, I knew it was you.
00:01:45Were you talking about high school?
00:01:46Yes.
00:01:47Okay, I remember you.
00:01:48Oh, okay, great.
00:01:49And what are you doing here?
00:01:50I mean, I thought you were, like, teaching at that fancy pants school in Carmel by the sea.
00:01:55Yeah, I was.
00:01:56But then I got fired because I fucked a bunch of people.
00:01:59Oh.
00:01:59Yeah.
00:02:00Whoops.
00:02:03Janitor, lacrosse coach, a couple subs, the headmaster.
00:02:07That was my big mistake, actually, because we got caught by some kids under the bleachers at homecoming.
00:02:12Oh.
00:02:12So, now I'm a registered sex offender.
00:02:16Yay!
00:02:17Yeah.
00:02:19Oh.
00:02:20Can't clean any rooms with kids in it, but that's fine.
00:02:23They're always really dirty anyway.
00:02:24Oh, by the way, I sucked your boyfriend's dick at Chris DeLuca's prom party.
00:02:29I'm sorry?
00:02:30Yeah.
00:02:30I think he must eat a lot of pineapple because his spunk is tasty.
00:02:34You guys married?
00:02:35Is it Scott Metz?
00:02:36So, I guess we may as well just jump in, right?
00:02:41Get started.
00:02:42Basically, you just get your key out of your lanyard like that, and then you knock three times, yeah?
00:02:47And then you say...
00:02:48Fuck off!
00:02:49I'm sleeping!
00:02:51Okay, let's not go in there.
00:02:53Ugh, people are disgusting.
00:02:58Check this.
00:02:58This is how you put on a new pillowcase.
00:03:00Then what you do is the double-fold maneuver.
00:03:02This is also really nice to do in your own home.
00:03:05And then like that.
00:03:06Fluff, fluff.
00:03:08Perfect pee case.
00:03:10Why are you changing the pillowcases?
00:03:11It's the same people.
00:03:12They're not checking out.
00:03:14Okay, how about we just try to keep this job, Shan, and not be so lazy?
00:03:18Fine.
00:03:19What do I do with their shit?
00:03:20Do I have to fold it?
00:03:23Okay, if I raped you right now, what would you do?
00:03:25I don't want to play this game right now.
00:03:27You never want to play.
00:03:28Yeah, I know.
00:03:29That's why I'm not playing.
00:03:30This was a stupid game when we were kids, and it still is.
00:03:33Hey, remember that old French president who attacked that African maid?
00:03:37He was like a grandpa, and she still had to spit his jizz.
00:03:39Well, I'm not spitting anyone's jizz.
00:03:42Look, if I raped you right now, what would you do?
00:03:44No one's raping me in this uniform.
00:03:47It's not really my color.
00:03:48What you want to do in a rape situation is yell fire.
00:03:52Why wouldn't I yell rape?
00:03:53No one responds to that.
00:03:55Who are your friends?
00:03:58So basically, you put your laundry inside the unit.
00:04:01And then you want to make sure you have a full load before you start the machine.
00:04:05Hey, Martha.
00:04:07Hey, Jerry.
00:04:07How was your vacation?
00:04:09The value was awesome.
00:04:11You must be Shannon.
00:04:13Welcome to the family.
00:04:15Your sister said that you're a great sister.
00:04:18I've got my bucket.
00:04:22And then when that's done, you can just move over and, you know, close it up.
00:04:26Hit start.
00:04:28Then once that's going, you can move over here and start folding stuff.
00:04:31Who is that?
00:04:33Who, Jerry?
00:04:34Oh, he's the executive maid.
00:04:35He's worked here for like 15 years.
00:04:37So he's the top dog.
00:04:38You're kidding.
00:04:39That's our boss?
00:04:39God, Shannon.
00:04:45What?
00:04:46I'm just saying.
00:04:47Don't be so insensitive.
00:04:48You're lucky that he thinks sex offenders fight sex crimes.
00:04:53You know, this spot is really competitive.
00:04:56You want to go get some hump day drinks?
00:04:59Celebrate your first day?
00:05:02Not really.
00:05:03Come on.
00:05:15Who's a better dancer, me or Jodie Foster and the accused?
00:05:18That's not a contest you want to win.
00:05:22I like this place because of the music.
00:05:25It's great.
00:05:26And the girls.
00:05:28I'm so glad you're back.
00:05:30When are you going to tell me about the last few weeks of rehab?
00:05:33I'm not.
00:05:34Rehab is rehab, you know?
00:05:35It's my recovery.
00:05:36It's private.
00:05:38It's my thing.
00:05:38Well, how do you think you're doing, though?
00:05:40Do you think you're better?
00:05:41I don't know.
00:05:43I feel numb.
00:05:45Well, hey.
00:05:47At least numbness is a feeling, right?
00:05:51It's a numbness.
00:05:58What was that?
00:05:59What was what?
00:06:00That, Chan.
00:06:02That didn't seem numb.
00:06:04I'm allowed to look at other human beings.
00:06:09How's that freeloading weirdo you're dating?
00:06:11Who, Alicia?
00:06:12She's not a weirdo.
00:06:14How do you think about somebody else?
00:06:16I think I'm thinking of Alicia.
00:06:18Um, I don't know.
00:06:19She's just going through a hard time right now, so we split up.
00:06:21She wanted to, like...
00:06:23Suck some dicks?
00:06:24No, she didn't want to...
00:06:25Stop, Chan.
00:06:26She's a loser straight girl who is never going to settle down with you.
00:06:29I like helping people.
00:06:31Yeah, you know who else did?
00:06:33Mom.
00:06:33And it left her with two tits full of cancer.
00:06:35So, enjoy that.
00:06:36I'm going to go pay for these beers, as usual.
00:06:52Hey, Shan.
00:06:53You sure you don't want to go with me, right?
00:06:55I have a meeting.
00:06:57You want some fiddle for your faddle?
00:06:59No, I'm good.
00:07:00I'll get something on the way.
00:07:02Okay, if you get hungry, there's some stuff in the freezer.
00:07:04There's bagel bites.
00:07:05Uh, three cheese.
00:07:07Cheese sausage and pepperoni.
00:07:10Stop treating me like I'm dad.
00:07:12Well, you know, someone has to take care of him.
00:07:16Look, if you want something else, there's PB&J or grilled cheese stuff.
00:07:18I've been here a week.
00:07:19I know my food options.
00:07:21Just go to class.
00:07:22And there's pineapple and country crock.
00:07:24You sure you're going to be okay?
00:07:27Yeah.
00:07:29Promise you're going to need something, right?
00:07:30Not just smoke?
00:07:31Yeah.
00:07:32Okay.
00:07:34Let's see you in a couple hours.
00:07:36Have a great meeting.
00:07:39Hey, Shan, I just want to say that, you know,
00:07:42I'm hella proud of you,
00:07:44that you're getting your life back together.
00:07:46I know you're going to make it.
00:07:48You can look at me.
00:07:50Thanks, dummy.
00:07:52Okay, see what it wouldn't be.
00:07:54I don't mean it.
00:07:57I'll be back.
00:07:59Determinate.
00:08:00I'll be back.
00:08:02Like, I'm going to come back after the gym.
00:08:03Hey.
00:08:24Hey.
00:08:25Uh, thanks for the text,
00:08:26but you're supposed to call, not come over.
00:08:28Oh.
00:08:30Sorry.
00:08:30Well, I'm here now, so come on out.
00:08:31Let's fuck like horny teenagers.
00:08:33Come on.
00:08:34Come on.
00:08:34I, um, yeah, no.
00:08:37I can't, because, um,
00:08:38I forgot tonight was date night.
00:08:40Julie's coming home, and we're going to play Scrabble.
00:08:41What?
00:08:42Oh, God.
00:08:43Your wife sucks.
00:08:45Yeah, I know.
00:08:45Everything but your dick.
00:08:48I stayed in that hotel room for two weeks
00:08:51so that my sister wouldn't know I got kicked out of rehab for you.
00:08:54Yeah, I'm the one who forged the release paper
00:08:56so the court wouldn't be all over your ass.
00:08:57It was the least you could do.
00:08:58I'm pretty sure therapists aren't supposed to fuck their rehab patients.
00:09:01Therapists are screwed up people.
00:09:02Everybody knows that.
00:09:03You're the one who shanced on me in the office, remember?
00:09:06It was very hard.
00:09:07Basic Instinct's a great movie.
00:09:09Mm-hmm.
00:09:10But I can't.
00:09:10I can't.
00:09:10Can you say that to my sister's movie back on a regular schedule?
00:09:14I need to get laid.
00:09:15Oh, you know, I think, I think as your therapist,
00:09:17you should, you should probably go to a meeting tonight.
00:09:19Okay?
00:09:21Thank you, too.
00:09:24Fine, meetings are great places to get laid.
00:09:28Okay.
00:09:28I can fuck you on the carpet.
00:09:30I have ten minutes.
00:09:30I'm not dead.
00:09:31Let's go.
00:09:33From your hips.
00:09:40From your hips.
00:09:43Watch your foot first, Martha.
00:09:51I promise I won't make you do more.
00:09:59Okay.
00:10:00Okay.
00:10:04Problem gone.
00:10:05We have one rule.
00:10:06One rule only.
00:10:07Never stop fighting.
00:10:09Yeah.
00:10:09Get him on.
00:10:12I'm here Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays at 8 p.m.
00:10:16Weekends, I'm here at noon.
00:10:17The rest of the time, I am studying to become a nun, so don't bother me.
00:10:26Hello?
00:10:27Oh, hey, Kelly.
00:10:28Great class.
00:10:29Amazing focus tonight.
00:10:31Really?
00:10:31I'm totally rethinking my plan of knifing you in an alley.
00:10:34Oh, I didn't know you had that plan.
00:10:37Hey, have you seen Alicia around?
00:10:40I just, I thought I would see her, because she usually works out at night.
00:10:42I mean, thank God I didn't, but it's just, it's weird.
00:10:44Because, you know, she can't work out in the morning, and then she doesn't get done with
00:10:47her paralegal stuff until, like, 7.
00:10:49And then she can only really work out between 7.30 and 8.30, because she has to watch The
00:10:52Good Wife at 9.
00:10:53But she's not here.
00:10:55I haven't seen her.
00:10:58I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I really think I pulled something, like, my
00:11:01glutes back there.
00:11:03I probably shouldn't have had all those beers pre-class.
00:11:06Uh, that's okay.
00:11:08Um, why don't we go somewhere and continue having beers?
00:11:12And get some Thai food or something.
00:11:15Do you want to do that?
00:11:16I love Thai.
00:11:17Just, it sucks, because I can't tonight.
00:11:19So, you know, my sister's back, and I just, I don't want to leave her home alone too long.
00:11:24She's still fragile.
00:11:25Okay, cool.
00:11:26I mean, not cool that she's fragile.
00:11:29Or whatever.
00:11:30I'm sorry.
00:11:30What's up, sorties?
00:11:32What?
00:11:34Was she trying to make some smart?
00:11:38Bye.
00:11:39Bye.
00:11:40Today we're talking about our bottoms, so...
00:11:44P.S. on the top.
00:11:46Watch the trigger material, please.
00:11:49Sorry, Denise.
00:11:51Talking about our rock bottoms.
00:11:54I was living a pretty awesome life.
00:11:56I worked at the Oprah show in Chicago.
00:11:59I started as an assistant, worked my way up to associate producer.
00:12:03I was making a lot of money, and I was doing a lot of blow.
00:12:08Like, a lot of blow.
00:12:10And you know how blow is.
00:12:11It's very slimming.
00:12:12I had, like, abs to my neck.
00:12:14Looked like a fucking Pakistani Mark Paul Gosseler.
00:12:17That's Zach Morris from Saved by the Bell.
00:12:21Everything was going great.
00:12:23I had that shit on lock.
00:12:25Or so I thought.
00:12:28Cut to two years later, and I wake up completely naked in an abandoned construction site outside of Wrigley Field.
00:12:35How did I get there?
00:12:38I don't know.
00:12:39I don't even like baseball.
00:12:41Anyway, when I, uh...
00:12:45Did make it to work that day, I got fired.
00:12:49Oprah was very strict about that.
00:12:52I was this close to Oprah.
00:12:54Literally this close.
00:12:57She would walk right by me.
00:12:58I threw it all away for drugs and dick.
00:13:02Mediocre.
00:13:04Mediocre dick.
00:13:06Pretty good drugs, though.
00:13:11I don't really consider losing a job, a bottom.
00:13:14It wasn't just any job.
00:13:15It was a job with Oprah Winfrey.
00:13:17Who gives a shit about Oprah?
00:13:19Uh, America.
00:13:21She's a bitch.
00:13:22Shan, the smog indexes it, too.
00:13:29It's a great day.
00:13:30Get up.
00:13:31Hey, Shan, I laid out your uniform, and the shower's hot and ready for you.
00:13:36I'm gonna make us breakfast.
00:13:37Okay.
00:13:38You need to get up.
00:13:40I heard you.
00:13:41I'm employee of the month, so I don't want to be late.
00:13:44I know you don't.
00:13:49You shouldn't eat that crap.
00:13:50You know, you've been edgy all morning, Shan.
00:13:54I thought those meetings were supposed to help mellow you out.
00:13:57It's called progress, not perfection.
00:14:00And they don't change the fact that I still live in a shit bowl.
00:14:03Hey, if you hate Fresno so much, why'd you come back?
00:14:07Obviously, because I've made a series of poor life decisions.
00:14:10Look, positive thinking means positive results.
00:14:13Hey, I own a home.
00:14:14That's my American dream.
00:14:17Location, location, location.
00:14:20Hey, Nancy.
00:14:39Oh, we're actually going down.
00:14:40Oh, yeah?
00:14:42I'll take the ride with you.
00:14:45You're new here.
00:14:47I know everyone who works in the hotel, so...
00:14:50How do you like the job so far?
00:14:53I clean rooms.
00:14:54How do you think I like it?
00:14:55Right.
00:14:55Uh, come on, Shan.
00:14:58I'll show you a burrito.
00:14:59Have a great day, ladies.
00:15:05I hate that guy.
00:15:06He's always here with prostitutes.
00:15:09Prostitutes have to eat, too.
00:15:10Well, he's gross.
00:15:12He's fine.
00:15:13Don't be so judgmental.
00:15:15We're still not cleaning 400.
00:15:16His room smells like burnt hair, and he reuses old condoms.
00:15:19Nobody does that.
00:15:21He does.
00:15:22Shan.
00:15:23What?
00:15:24He hangs them over the shower rod like wiener cozies.
00:15:27Well, that's foul.
00:15:29I appreciate your creativity right now, but this isn't an art project.
00:15:32This is a professional job.
00:15:33You told me to stock my cart.
00:15:34I am stocking my cart.
00:15:37You're overstocking.
00:15:38That is way too much toilet paper.
00:15:39No one is going to go to the bathroom that much.
00:15:41Um, you know, I'll take rooms 403 to 408.
00:15:56All right.
00:15:56Are you sure you're going to be fine on your own?
00:15:58I think I can clean pubes off soap by myself.
00:16:11Hey, did you get that picture I sent you?
00:16:33Yes, I did.
00:16:33You look very healthy.
00:16:34You look very well hydrated.
00:16:36I just posted it on Instagram.
00:16:38I have 10,000 new followers.
00:16:39Listen, um, I have some very big news.
00:16:45What is it?
00:16:46I gave Julie the letter.
00:16:48I'm finally out.
00:16:50Like, really out.
00:16:51Wait, why?
00:16:52What did you do?
00:16:53I gave her the letter.
00:16:54I told her everything.
00:16:55What?
00:16:56You know, I didn't think I was going to be able to do it,
00:16:58but I saw the moment it sort of presented itself,
00:17:00and then I was present for it,
00:17:02and it just kind of happened.
00:17:04She didn't take it very well,
00:17:05but, um, you know, that's going to be her thing.
00:17:08I want to be a real couple, okay?
00:17:11I want to go to movies with you
00:17:12and sit at the same table in restaurants
00:17:14and not have to fuck in a bush.
00:17:16What do you think?
00:17:17Why would you do that?
00:17:19Well, because you told me
00:17:21that you wanted me to leave my wife.
00:17:23Kim, I didn't think you'd actually do it.
00:17:26God, who does that?
00:17:28Go back.
00:17:28Well, no, I can't go back.
00:17:30I just told her, and I'd...
00:17:31Go back.
00:17:32Edwin.
00:17:32Shannon, I love you.
00:17:35All right?
00:17:36I'm in this.
00:17:37You're in this too, right?
00:17:38Look, I can't take this kind of pressure right now.
00:17:40Huh?
00:17:41What do you mean you can't take...
00:17:42I'm not...
00:17:43What?
00:17:43What?
00:17:43What?
00:17:45Oh.
00:17:45Oh.
00:17:45Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:47Oh.
00:17:48Oh.
00:17:48Oh.
00:17:48Oh.
00:17:48Oh.
00:17:48Oh.
00:17:49Oh.
00:17:49Oh.
00:17:50Oh.
00:17:50Oh.
00:17:51Oh.
00:17:51Oh.
00:17:51Oh.
00:17:51Oh.
00:17:53Oh.
00:17:53Oh.
00:17:55Oh.
00:17:55Oh.
00:18:02Hey, can you come back in 10?
00:18:12You want to fuck?
00:18:13Hey, Alicia, it's Martha calling.
00:18:16Um, uh, I was just calling because, uh, I didn't see you at the gym last night, and that
00:18:23makes me really worried.
00:18:24Um.
00:18:24You call me champ.
00:18:28I'll fuck you so hard.
00:18:29You come out, you're right.
00:18:30I thought about what you said, and I told her that you can only stay for two more weeks.
00:18:38Uh, I mean, I haven't told her yet, but I'm going to tell her, so, um, but it would
00:18:43be really great to talk to you about that.
00:18:44Yeah.
00:18:45Yeah.
00:18:45Yeah.
00:18:45Yeah.
00:18:46Yeah.
00:18:46Yeah.
00:18:47Yeah.
00:18:48Yeah.
00:18:49Yeah.
00:18:50Yeah.
00:18:51Yeah.
00:18:52Yeah.
00:18:53Yeah.
00:18:54Yeah.
00:18:55Yeah.
00:18:56Yeah.
00:18:57Yeah.
00:18:58Yeah.
00:18:59Yeah.
00:19:00I mean, I know you said you didn't want to talk, uh, so, if you feel like it, okay?
00:19:05Um, so, I don't know, maybe we can hang out again soon or something, or, uh, just call
00:19:11me, or text me.
00:19:13Take your pants off.
00:19:15Yeah.
00:19:16Get down.
00:19:17Okay.
00:19:18Yeah.
00:19:19You're gonna get it.
00:19:21Okay.
00:19:22Bye.
00:19:23Bye.
00:19:24Bye.
00:19:48Shannon?
00:19:49Hahaha.
00:19:50Oh, yeah.
00:19:51Shannon?
00:19:52No!
00:19:53Move!
00:19:54Oh!
00:19:55Oh!
00:19:56Oh!
00:19:57Oh!
00:19:58Oh!
00:19:59Oh!
00:20:00Oh!
00:20:02Oh!
00:20:03Oh!
00:20:04Oh!
00:20:05Oh!
00:20:06Oh!
00:20:07Oh!
00:20:08Housekeeping!
00:20:22Fire!
00:20:24Fire! Fire!
00:20:26What the fuck?
00:20:28Get off of her!
00:20:30You were right!
00:20:32Tag team!
00:20:34Get away from my little sister!
00:20:36I'm still hot for your pussy, baby!
00:20:38Jump back on my dick!
00:20:40You're a disgusting piece of shit!
00:20:44Shan!
00:20:46No, no, no, Shan!
00:20:48God, what is wrong with you?
00:20:50What is wrong with you?
00:20:52What the fuck were you thinking?
00:20:54What the fuck, Shan? God!
00:20:56Okay!
00:20:58Okay!
00:21:00Shan!
00:21:02Is he dead?
00:21:04He's dead.
00:21:06Did I just kill someone?
00:21:08You don't hear anything, Shan?
00:21:10Did I just fucking kill someone?
00:21:12Calm! Be calm!
00:21:14Okay, it's gonna be okay.
00:21:16What am I gonna do? What are we gonna do?
00:21:18He was raping you, right?
00:21:20Yes!
00:21:21Raping!
00:21:22100% rape!
00:21:24That was a rape!
00:21:26He was raping the shit out of me!
00:21:28Okay!
00:21:29Then he was raping!
00:21:30What are you doing?
00:21:31What...
00:21:32Martha!
00:21:33Martha!
00:21:34What are you doing?
00:21:35What are you doing?
00:21:36Don't even...
00:21:37Don't even...
00:21:38Front desk?
00:21:39What are you calling the front desk for?
00:21:40I'm telling them what happened!
00:21:41No, you're not!
00:21:42Come on!
00:21:43Hello?
00:21:44Hello?
00:21:45We can blame this on our boss!
00:21:47Jerry?
00:21:48Yeah!
00:21:49He would love jail!
00:21:50It's very structured!
00:21:51He'd make friends!
00:21:52Hello?
00:21:53You want me to go to jail?
00:21:56No!
00:21:57Of course you want me to!
00:21:58Because let me tell you something, Martha!
00:22:00I am a registered sex offender!
00:22:03Do you understand that?
00:22:04How do I prove that he raped me?
00:22:06I need your help!
00:22:08Fine!
00:22:10We'll figure something out!
00:22:14Excuse me!
00:22:15Yeah, I got a phone call!
00:22:16Is everything okay in there?
00:22:18Hello?
00:22:20Hello?
00:22:21This is Kristen from the front desk!
00:22:22Is everything okay in there?
00:22:24Can you open up, please?
00:22:26It's...
00:22:27By law, I need to check what is going on!
00:22:30Can I help you?
00:22:31Let me in!
00:22:32What's going on in there?
00:22:33Uh, nothing.
00:22:34I'm just cleaning.
00:22:35Oh, really?
00:22:36I got a strange call.
00:22:37It sounded like a fight or something.
00:22:38No.
00:22:39I'm just really intensely cleaning.
00:22:41It's really dirty in here.
00:22:42Okay, listen to me.
00:22:43If you are calling me and you are pranking me,
00:22:45like in high school,
00:22:46that is grounds for dismissal here, Missy,
00:22:48and I am sure that Jerry would love to hear about it.
00:22:50Well, then why don't you go and tell him, Kristen?
00:22:52Good.
00:22:53I'm texting him right now with my other hand that you can't see.
00:22:55Pfft.
00:22:56Whatever.
00:22:57Joe, hey!
00:22:58No!
00:22:59No!
00:23:00I will!
00:23:01Ugh!
00:23:02We need to hurry.
00:23:03Jerry's coming.
00:23:04Okay.
00:23:05What did you do?
00:23:06I'm just being respectful.
00:23:07He deserves some dignity.
00:23:08Everyone deserves some dignity.
00:23:09Even rapists?
00:23:10Yes, even rapists.
00:23:11Okay.
00:23:12Ugh!
00:23:13Pull harder!
00:23:14Headed to 400, copy.
00:23:26Over and out, good buddy.
00:23:27Where are we taking him?
00:23:28The presidential suite is empty.
00:23:44Lunchtime!
00:23:45Good morning, ladies.
00:23:46Sorry, I don't know why she's barking.
00:23:47Shit sheets.
00:23:48The sheets are filled with shit.
00:23:49Yeah.
00:23:50Someone had an ex?
00:23:51A bachelor party.
00:23:52Have a good day.
00:23:53Enjoy your stay here.
00:23:54Shit.
00:23:55Shit.
00:23:56He lives in Fresno.
00:23:57I'm...
00:23:58Good morning, ladies.
00:23:59Sir.
00:24:00Shh.
00:24:01Sorry, I don't know why she's barking.
00:24:02Shit sheets.
00:24:03The sheets are filled with shit.
00:24:04Yeah.
00:24:05Someone had an ex?
00:24:06A bachelor party.
00:24:07Have a good day.
00:24:08Enjoy your stay here.
00:24:09Shit.
00:24:10He lives in Fresno.
00:24:11Hope he doesn't have family here and they don't come looking for him.
00:24:12Yeah.
00:24:13Maybe he doesn't have any family.
00:24:14Our parents are dead.
00:24:15You are the only person who would turn that into a positive.
00:24:16Whoa.
00:24:17Look at this.
00:24:18Dude won a bronze in Beijing.
00:24:19You killed an Olympian.
00:24:20What?
00:24:21What?
00:24:22What?
00:24:23What?
00:24:24What?
00:24:25What?
00:24:26What?
00:24:27What?
00:24:28What?
00:24:29What?
00:24:30What?
00:24:31What?
00:24:32What?
00:24:33What?
00:24:34What?
00:24:35What?
00:24:36What?
00:24:37What?
00:24:38What?
00:24:39What?
00:24:40You are the Olympian.
00:24:41Only if you consider Hammer Throw a sport, which...
00:24:43Oh no...
00:24:45Fuck!
00:24:46Who would call him?
00:24:47Fuck!
00:24:48It's his sister.
00:24:49Okay just give it to me.
00:24:50I'll just let it go to voicemail then ve-
00:24:53Hello?
00:24:54I know you're there.
00:24:55It's a really old phone I didn't know.
00:24:58Hello?
00:24:58You have reached the voicemail box of...
00:25:05Boris Lipka, at the tone, leave a message.
00:25:16Beep!
00:25:19Hey, it's me. I know you're probably jerking off in your hotel room like a disgusting pig right now,
00:25:25but you better come home for Dad's birthday party today.
00:25:28I'm so fucking sick of dealing with these two invalids on my own.
00:25:31You better be here by three or I swear I will come get you myself.
00:25:35Okay, so they're not close and his parents are invalids. I feel like this is good news.
00:25:41When he doesn't show up at three, his sister is going to come looking for him.
00:25:45What if we dump his body at Dry Creek Canal and make it look like a suicide?
00:25:50Isn't that where everyone dumps bodies?
00:25:52How are we going to do that?
00:26:05Of course the rapist had a rapist van.
00:26:11Let's hurry up and get him in there.
00:26:20Look, Shan. He was trying to be a good person. He was into yoga. We can still go to the police.
00:26:26We're not going to the police, okay? We're dumping the body at Dry Creek.
00:26:29Unless you can find his parent's address and his phone.
00:26:32Yeah, and then what? Just put him on the doorstep route, ring the bell,
00:26:36happy birthday, here's your dad's son.
00:26:38Calm down, alright? Just calm down.
00:26:42Just figure out a different way to make his body disappear.
00:26:46Give me the phone. Just give it to me.
00:26:51Alright, here it is.
00:26:54Mom and dad's address. Boom and boom.
00:26:56What are we going to do when we get there?
00:26:58I have a plan.
00:27:12Use your pee!
00:27:16How are you?
00:27:18I'm a friend of Boris's. You must be his sister.
00:27:20Yes, I am.
00:27:21I'm his friend.
00:27:22Boris doesn't have any friends.
00:27:24I'm his sister and I'm not even his friend.
00:27:27Well, um...
00:27:28Well, um...
00:27:37Where is he?
00:27:38Um, he's...
00:27:41Boris is more than a friend to me. I'm his life guru.
00:27:46Oh, this is good. So he's got a life coach now.
00:27:49Guru.
00:27:50Oh, guru.
00:27:51Yeah.
00:27:52Interesting.
00:27:53So what kind of stuff do you advise him on the best prostitutes to fuck?
00:27:56I can see why you would say that and that has been his painful reality for some time,
00:28:00but I'm hoping with my help and guidance we can...
00:28:02we can move him through that and I can help him change.
00:28:05Well, it's too bad that he wasn't here to help me when I was changing Pop's diapers, huh?
00:28:09Yes.
00:28:10Couldn't help him with that, I guess, right?
00:28:11Yes.
00:28:12Are you feeling a lot of pain?
00:28:13Yes.
00:28:14Can I come in?
00:28:15I don't think I'm ready.
00:28:16Uh, I'm talking about my guru.
00:28:17Guru.
00:28:18Guru.
00:28:19Yes, I'm, uh...
00:28:20Guru.
00:28:21Guru.
00:28:22Guru.
00:28:23Guru.
00:28:24Guru.
00:28:25I don't know what...
00:28:26Guru.
00:28:27I don't know what's happening.
00:28:28Guru.
00:28:29I don't know.
00:28:30Guru.
00:28:31Guru.
00:28:32Guru.
00:28:33Guru!
00:28:34Guru!
00:28:35Guru.
00:28:36Guru, Guru.
00:28:38Guru.
00:28:39Guru.
00:28:40I don't.
00:28:41I don't know what's happening here.
00:28:43So I'm here to represent Boris.
00:28:44And... and he... he has come to the realisation that he has been living in the past.
00:28:51past and although winning an olympic bronze medal is a major life achievement he's never been able
00:28:58to really move past this so we've decided um that it's due to fear of failure he's afraid of failing
00:29:11so we've decided the best thing for boris right now in order for him to start over
00:29:17is to leave fresno forever to never ever come back to sever all ties with his family and to never
00:29:25ever talk to you again this is what i could do with all day long um he requested that i i give you his
00:29:42backpack so is your pleasure it's time yes it's time yes he's a bronze medal so on
00:29:49dostał kiedy on bill dlaczego ty go billish kiedy on był dzieckiem straszny ojciec niedobry ojciec
00:30:05boris don't leave me here boris is so sorry that he has to has to leave the family
00:30:11but he knows it's the only way he's going to be able to grow up pomoosh me poopy pomoosh me you
00:30:19better you think she bought it i think so but this will help sell this and get out of fresno i love
00:30:30you but i can't change another diaper excel excel boris yeah sounds good what should we do with him
00:30:38should we just leave him here you know that we should roll him back to the hotel and figure
00:30:43something out god chance you just have to smoke all the time yes i do you know we're in the middle of
00:30:48a serious drought right yes i mean you just want the whole place to go up in flames actually yeah it
00:30:53would kind of solve our problem think about it we know somebody who has a place right around here we do
00:31:08gerald what the fuck martha be quiet admit it's a good idea all right you were saying that braid was
00:31:14a dane great dane a great one yeah that's why he's so big okay so uh
00:31:25you do remember
00:31:29come on man my sister i'm sorry hey what's going on hey hey these are old friends of mine shannon and martha
00:31:37is this the scooter girl how did you know that you told me about on one of our first dates
00:31:43wow you really listen to me i listen to you when you talk baby but you look the other way it's
00:31:47incredible yeah um what's in the bin i really hope it's a dead dog because we could use the cash
00:31:53sensitivity honey please i'm sorry we really hope it's your dead dog please that's boris he just
00:31:59passed away so we're hoping to get him cremated gerald was saying we could have the friends and family
00:32:02discount i'm sorry you know this is the reason why we're stuck here this this this
00:32:09bullshit friends and family thing not everyone is your family and almost no one is your friend
00:32:14can we walk around the cemetery and do this it's just we also we uh we need to get the bin cremated too
00:32:21there are no discounts and uh the bin is extra that's fine uh we can pay okay hand me the tape
00:32:28okay hand me the tape measure right for what why do you need it why do you need the tape measure we
00:32:32have to measure for the others no we measured it's the average size of a great dane it's five foot
00:32:36something something just charge us a great day no you don't yeah whatever the extra extra large
00:32:40just fine you guys can leave you don't have to measure it you don't have to measure what the
00:32:47fuck we said don't measure it
00:32:56i'm sorry we need to call the cops what for i'm with ruby shut up we own a business
00:33:02right we could lose everything there's a human body i understand that okay listen do you understand that
00:33:07yes i do well i'm the business person here okay we we agreed we agreed on that and and i say we
00:33:14don't call the cops because if we call the cops then what's gonna happen nothing's gonna they're
00:33:17gonna go to jail and we're not gonna get anything no reward i mean you think that the guy who found
00:33:23the slave girls in ohio ariel castro yeah do you think that that guy did he did he get anything because
00:33:28he didn't no uh-uh he got like a hug from a little white girl and then he got like an embarrassing
00:33:34interview that got auto-tuned and like put all over youtube that's not what we want no not at all
00:33:40we're gonna blackmail these two bitches are you kidding we want 25 000 to get out of this
00:33:46butt crack and we want it by sunday what there's no way we can come up with 25k in three days we're
00:33:51in fresno yeah i'm pretty sure you can you seem very resourceful so three days 25 000. we can go to
00:33:59detroit we could definitely go to detroit move there and set up shopping and guess what you get
00:34:04a cremation out of it you know how good we are at cremation we're really good at them a funeral
00:34:09service like you will not believe but um you know if you don't get the money then you're gonna be tried
00:34:14for manslaughter so there's that what about a payment plan nobody even has that layaway can i give you a
00:34:21little advice as far as bodies go um that guy is going to rot if you don't get him on ice that's all
00:34:28what just happens is biology oh what a stupid ass idea gerald money burns things for a living okay
00:34:37for 25 000 and they'll probably still turn us in you're not turning us in she said she wants
00:34:42out of fresno the only way to get 25k is dealing drugs or prostitution
00:34:48i just paid thousands to put you in rehab and i double mortgaged my house you're not becoming a
00:34:54prostitute i'm not having sex i'll be your pimp i'm not touching sweaty palms they're not always
00:34:59sweaty just pretend they're tiny little boobs okay fine what about this what if we pull the fire
00:35:06alarm at the hotel and steal it from the front desk i won't jeopardize my job you realize that if we
00:35:11don't get rid of this body that we're gonna go to jail and you won't even have a job right yeah well
00:35:15thanks thanks you're smoking out for sure lost my vip parking spot oh wait this is good people only
00:35:21pay in cash at sex shops let's rob it mm-hmm it's good
00:35:30i can barely see diy toilet paper it's genius i know this place and the workers are always high
00:35:37it's easy money come on this is stupid chan we look ridiculous
00:35:51does anybody work here does anybody work here yeah sorry smoke break
00:35:58oh i like the teepee on your head it's all rapey and sexy i am very into scat i need you to come over
00:36:05here right now and open this cash register and i need all the cash now yeah get over here
00:36:12well that was a bust at least we got the overstock who needs sex shops
00:36:16we're such a cash-poor business still there's a quality worth something
00:36:34you
00:36:46you
00:37:04you
00:37:06you
00:37:08you
00:37:15you
00:37:17you
00:37:19you
00:37:21you
00:37:23you
00:37:25you
00:37:27you
00:37:29you
00:37:47you
00:37:49you
00:37:51you
00:38:08you
00:38:10you
00:38:12you
00:38:34you
00:38:36you
00:38:38you
00:39:03you
00:39:05you
00:39:07give me one of those
00:39:24you're welcome am i supposed to say thank you most people would
00:39:29but from what your sister says you're not most people
00:39:33well martha needs to learn to keep her mouth shut whoa whoa
00:39:37language
00:39:39look i know it can be um difficult but uh you know your sister's pulling for you
00:39:46she's a good person how do you know she told me quit smoking weed it doesn't look like
00:39:51she was very helpful
00:39:55i used to smoke weed like all the time i never get any writing done now i just smoke before and after
00:40:00work
00:40:00and i get stuff done
00:40:02i get stuff done in rehab we had more of an all or nothing approach
00:40:07with a little bit of uh higher power surround yourself
00:40:11bullshit peppered in
00:40:12this is
00:40:13does it work
00:40:14seems to if you believe you have a problem
00:40:20so what do you write
00:40:23uh
00:40:25i write poetry
00:40:26really
00:40:28so you're all deep and
00:40:29shit
00:40:30i don't know maybe
00:40:33well let's hear one
00:40:34i don't like it already
00:40:42fresno
00:40:44lord
00:40:45why is it so hot
00:40:47did you mean for it to be this hot or did you leave the house in a hurry
00:40:51and fresno is the oven you forgot to turn off
00:40:54fresno
00:40:56yes
00:40:56that smell is dead animal
00:40:58do you like it
00:41:01fresno
00:41:02where is stuff
00:41:04like
00:41:05anything
00:41:06fresno
00:41:08where the best job i could get
00:41:10is the worst job i've ever had
00:41:12no hotel guest i cannot tell you where anything is
00:41:15if i knew where anything else was
00:41:18i'd be there
00:41:18fresno
00:41:29come on
00:41:33come on martha my deaf grandma can kick harder than you
00:41:44there we go
00:41:45come on
00:41:49so
00:41:51like sands through the hourglass
00:41:54so are the days of all lives
00:41:57that's plagiarism
00:41:59i literally wrote that
00:42:00whether you believe it or not
00:42:02i think so
00:42:03that's so lame
00:42:04that's partially it
00:42:05i think you don't know enough about pros
00:42:07to really give me an accurate critique
00:42:09i know about pro baseball players i know about pro basketball players
00:42:11i'm off work
00:42:13right now
00:42:16do you want to go do something
00:42:18i do
00:42:19bring everyone to circle
00:42:21yes faster faster faster faster
00:42:29proud of my god we have one rule and one rule only
00:42:32never stop fighting
00:42:44Brian, email me Wednesday about privates.
00:42:47We'll work it out.
00:42:49Cool.
00:42:52How long has Alicia been with that dude?
00:42:54I don't know.
00:42:56I don't really talk to them.
00:42:59You were at that softball thing.
00:43:00Oh, yeah.
00:43:01Well, I didn't want to interrupt you.
00:43:03You were there with a date.
00:43:04Yeah, Tanya is just a friend.
00:43:07See you tomorrow.
00:43:08Yep, it's the worst.
00:43:10Tomorrow? What's tomorrow?
00:43:12Oh, my God.
00:43:13Please tell me you were going to Noah's barmissipa tomorrow night.
00:43:16I actually wasn't even invited.
00:43:18Well, lucky you.
00:43:20Noah's parents pay for privates, so I have to go.
00:43:25And you have to come with me.
00:43:27Like, as your fake date?
00:43:29No, as a real date.
00:43:31Is that a yes?
00:43:33Okay.
00:43:35Come on.
00:43:38Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:43:39What? Wait.
00:43:39Uh, let's, uh, do you want to...
00:43:41Yeah.
00:43:42Let's go to the desk.
00:43:44Oh, no, no.
00:43:45That's not what I mean.
00:43:46Can we just slow down a little bit?
00:43:48Please, can we just slow down?
00:43:50Are you...
00:43:51What?
00:43:52Tell me you're not gay.
00:43:53No.
00:43:54I mean, no.
00:43:54I mean, no.
00:43:55Let's talk.
00:43:56Let's talk, okay?
00:43:58Oh, God.
00:43:59You are gay.
00:44:00No.
00:44:01My God.
00:44:04I don't know why I'm telling you this, but...
00:44:07Oh, jeez.
00:44:09I haven't slept with anyone since me and my girlfriend broke up a couple months ago.
00:44:13Seriously?
00:44:14Yeah.
00:44:15Do you, like, not like condoms or something?
00:44:17Do you want a drink?
00:44:18I'm gonna have a drink.
00:44:18What is wrong with you?
00:44:20What the fuck?
00:44:21Oh, my God.
00:44:22Martha would be so pissed.
00:44:23Do you want to go back to rehab?
00:44:25I'm a sex addict, not an alcoholic asshole.
00:44:28Really?
00:44:29Yeah, really.
00:44:30I don't...
00:44:30I don't...
00:44:31That's a thing.
00:44:33I thought it was, like, made up by Tiger Woods or something.
00:44:35Don't be a dumbass.
00:44:37Okay, well...
00:44:39Wait, just wait.
00:44:41The thing is that I'm really trying to manage my addiction, just like you are.
00:44:46So will you just touch my boob just for, like, one minute, please?
00:44:49I don't...
00:44:50I just feel like my...
00:44:51What the fuck?
00:45:00We were just about to watch a movie.
00:45:10I can't believe you brought him in here, Shannon.
00:45:12He didn't see anything.
00:45:15You know, he's a good guy.
00:45:16He deserves better.
00:45:17No offense.
00:45:18Go to sleep.
00:45:20I can't sleep.
00:45:21Kelly invited me to a bar mitzvah tomorrow night, and it's freaking me out.
00:45:29I'm glad you're thinking about chicks instead of our shit-ass predicament.
00:45:33Uh, the bar mitzvah is in this hotel tomorrow night.
00:45:36So?
00:45:37So kids make a lot of money at these things, Shannon.
00:45:43That's genius.
00:45:44Yeah, it is.
00:45:45You want to jack the bar mitzvah.
00:45:50What do we do?
00:45:52Okay, look.
00:45:53I'll just go with Kelly, and then you can crash in.
00:45:57No, I can't go alone.
00:46:00I'll bring Eric.
00:46:02You can't tell him anything.
00:46:03I'll get him to help us.
00:46:04I won't tell him anything.
00:46:05I'll just make something up.
00:46:06I know he'll do it.
00:46:09He's so into me.
00:46:14Just go to bed.
00:46:17Jerry, I have some guests locked out of room 402, and I'm getting no response from housekeeping.
00:46:23Oh, shit.
00:46:36Oh, shit.
00:46:39Shannon, wake up, Shannon.
00:46:40Hey, stop it.
00:46:41Shannon, Shannon.
00:46:42It's Jerry.
00:46:43What is it?
00:46:44Oh, God, this really sucks.
00:46:46Shit.
00:46:48Okay.
00:46:49Okay.
00:46:51Okay, listen.
00:46:52I'll deal with Jerry.
00:46:55You go home and get the stuff, okay?
00:46:57Okay.
00:46:57You got to get the dresses for the bar mitzvah.
00:46:59What about the dead guy?
00:47:01Just make sure you keep fresh ice on him, okay?
00:47:03Okay.
00:47:04Okay, come on.
00:47:06Wake up.
00:47:06Don't do that.
00:47:08It's a big day, Shan.
00:47:09I know.
00:47:10I'm so nervous.
00:47:11It's a big day, Shan.
00:47:12I'm so nervous.
00:47:13I'm so nervous.
00:47:14I'm so nervous.
00:47:14I know.
00:47:23Hello?
00:47:24It's me.
00:47:25What are you doing?
00:47:26I'm working.
00:47:27Okay, well, Marce's not here, and I'm home alone.
00:47:29So can you come over here and fuck me?
00:47:31So now that, like, I've totally fucked up my marriage, now you want back in?
00:47:35No, no, no, no, I just, no, no, I, I...
00:47:38Or are you just fucking someone else now?
00:47:40No, no, baby, that's not it at all.
00:47:42I just, I'm alone now, and this is a perfect time.
00:47:44Because I know that you always do this.
00:47:46Do what?
00:47:47You come groveling back as soon as you're seeing somebody new.
00:47:49Baby, listen to me, listen right now, I...
00:47:51You need to start facing your fears and your feelings.
00:47:55Or you're just gonna keep hurting yourself and everybody around you.
00:47:58Well, that's the long way to say no.
00:48:00Yeah, I have to go.
00:48:04Ow.
00:48:04It's gonna look good.
00:48:06You're gonna get it nice and straight.
00:48:08Ow.
00:48:09Stop yelling.
00:48:10It doesn't hurt.
00:48:11Sorry, I guess I'm just nervous.
00:48:13About the bar mitzvah?
00:48:15Eric's gonna help us.
00:48:20Do you think you've ever been in love?
00:48:22I'm not good with emotions.
00:48:24As soon as I start to get close to someone,
00:48:26I just, I feel crowded, and I'm not attracted to them anymore.
00:48:30How many guys do you think you've been with?
00:48:31I don't know.
00:48:35Like a ballpark.
00:48:37Like a hundred.
00:48:38One hundred dicks.
00:48:40Stupid thing is most of the time I don't even like the sex.
00:48:44Then why do you do it?
00:48:45I don't know.
00:48:46Like the pain of doing it is not as bad as the emptiness of not doing it.
00:48:51Does that make sense?
00:48:56Martha.
00:48:57Yeah?
00:48:57I was a hundred percent wrong about your hair.
00:49:02What's the problem?
00:49:04It's not good.
00:49:07Do cousin it.
00:49:08No, Shan, I'm not gonna do it.
00:49:10Yes, you are.
00:49:11Shan, I'm not doing it.
00:49:13You only had to look pretty for the bar mitzvah party.
00:49:16Hey, um, if tonight doesn't go too late,
00:49:33maybe you could come over and, I don't know,
00:49:36watch Naked and Afraid with me or...
00:49:38Yeah, maybe.
00:49:38We'll see how it goes.
00:49:39Hey, ladies.
00:49:40It's dope you came.
00:49:42Yeah, of course.
00:49:43Got you something?
00:49:45Sir?
00:49:45Oh, thanks.
00:49:46That's sweet.
00:49:48I'll put it in my money box over there.
00:49:50It's cash only.
00:49:51Yeah, we heard.
00:49:52Yeah, it's actually coupons for free privates.
00:49:56Privates?
00:49:56You hitting on me, boo?
00:49:57I'm a man now, so it's copacetic.
00:49:59Don't worry.
00:49:59All right, all right.
00:50:00Take it easy.
00:50:01Not in front of my date.
00:50:02Don't talk to Kelly like that.
00:50:03It's really rude, Noah.
00:50:04Do you think you guys can make out on my next music video?
00:50:07Google Gloria Steinem and then ask us.
00:50:10So how long do these things last?
00:50:12About as long as a wedding reception.
00:50:14Yeah.
00:50:14Really?
00:50:15Yeah.
00:50:16I don't really know how long that is because I've never been to a wedding.
00:50:19Really?
00:50:21I went to one, but it doesn't really count because we eloped.
00:50:24You're married?
00:50:26Yeah.
00:50:27What?
00:50:28I can be married.
00:50:30I totally got married.
00:50:32And nine days later, I cheated on him and we got divorced.
00:50:35Super romantic, like I said.
00:50:37Like a fairy tale, actually.
00:50:40I'd read it cover to cover.
00:50:41I'm thinking of pitching it as a children's book.
00:50:44Well, you should.
00:50:44Or YA.
00:50:45That's probably the better choice.
00:50:47Yeah.
00:50:47Y'all ready for this?
00:50:58I'm 13 now.
00:51:00Woo!
00:51:03I want to thank my dad.
00:51:04I want to thank my mom.
00:51:06And I want to thank my bubby.
00:51:08All right, let's do this.
00:51:09Come on, boys.
00:51:10Cash Money Tour.
00:51:11Welcome to my mitzvah bar.
00:51:14To the tar-tar, rolling pimp with my mayvac.
00:51:17Motherfucking car, taking rolls in my mouth like my hoes, swimming south of ground, man.
00:51:22I'm from Rezafuckers.
00:51:23Back.
00:51:24Where is that?
00:51:25Kelly, bitch.
00:51:26Flat.
00:51:27Snap a pic while I take over my dick.
00:51:29Look a little longer.
00:51:31I'm stronger.
00:51:32I suppress my cop.
00:51:34That is enough.
00:51:55That is enough.
00:51:56Hey.
00:51:56Why enough?
00:51:57Oh.
00:51:59Thank you for coming.
00:52:01Why doesn't everyone get on the dance floor?
00:52:03Let's dance to some appropriate music.
00:52:06You thought that was going to be Bruno Mars.
00:52:08Get over here.
00:52:09You know what?
00:52:11Now we've got to dance.
00:52:12I don't dance.
00:52:13I think we do.
00:52:14It's part of the deal.
00:52:14I don't dance.
00:52:15Come on.
00:52:16I've never.
00:52:17Never.
00:52:23All right.
00:52:24Bring it in.
00:52:25Bring it in.
00:52:25Come on.
00:52:33You have a really cute ass.
00:52:37It's distracting.
00:52:39Stop.
00:52:40It's a bar missile.
00:52:42There is cute here, Kelly.
00:52:43I'm serious.
00:52:44It's distracting.
00:52:46My ass.
00:52:47Yes.
00:52:48I'm sure.
00:52:50It's because you worked me out so good.
00:52:52Hey, maybe we should take a breather.
00:53:11Okay.
00:53:12Get a drink or something?
00:53:17I am going to use the ladies' room.
00:53:19Okay.
00:53:19Don't go anywhere.
00:53:19I really like you.
00:53:26And since you won't tell me why you're being blackmailed,
00:53:28I think it's only fair I get to do this.
00:53:43Excuse me.
00:53:43It's time to strap on the feed bags.
00:53:46Dinner will be in about five minutes
00:53:47if our very expensive catering company
00:53:50would just do their job.
00:53:51Okay.
00:53:59All right.
00:54:00You ready?
00:54:00Yeah, yeah.
00:54:01Okay.
00:54:03So.
00:54:04So.
00:54:05You guys look pretty cute together.
00:54:08Yesterday, you were pissed because I was alone with him,
00:54:10and now you want us to get married?
00:54:11Come on, Chan.
00:54:11This is different.
00:54:12He really likes you.
00:54:13I can tell.
00:54:15I know.
00:54:16I think I should just fuck him and get it over with.
00:54:18Okay, will you not say that kind of shit all the time?
00:54:21Me?
00:54:23Okay.
00:54:24Eric's in position.
00:54:25Is anyone here a doctor?
00:54:29I'm a doctor.
00:54:29I'm a doctor.
00:54:30I got it.
00:54:32Everybody back, Noah.
00:54:33Son, tell me when the food shoots out.
00:55:01Noah, that's fucking disgusting.
00:55:03Okay, just cough it up.
00:55:05Cough it up.
00:55:06Okay.
00:55:07Hey, guys.
00:55:07Just cough it up.
00:55:08Cough it up.
00:55:09You see anything?
00:55:10No.
00:55:11Keep.
00:55:12Oh.
00:55:13Ew.
00:55:13These are new shows.
00:55:15Are you all right?
00:55:15Is it all out?
00:55:16Uh-huh.
00:55:17Okay.
00:55:18Uh-huh.
00:55:18Oh, that.
00:55:20Thank goodness.
00:55:21Oh, you're welcome.
00:55:22Uh-oh.
00:55:23No.
00:55:23Oh.
00:55:24What's happening?
00:55:25All right.
00:55:26All right.
00:55:26I think it's a seizure.
00:55:27I think it's a seizure.
00:55:28It's a seizure.
00:55:29Get back.
00:55:30Get back.
00:55:30Nobody panic.
00:55:30Nobody panic.
00:55:31She's going to be fine.
00:55:32Watch her arm.
00:55:33She's slapping on her.
00:55:33Give her some hands.
00:55:35It's a seizure.
00:55:35Come on.
00:55:36Come on.
00:55:36Come on.
00:55:37Go on.
00:55:38Direct the traffic.
00:55:39Do something.
00:55:39Do something, Noah.
00:55:41Just calm down.
00:55:42It will stop.
00:55:43Just let her be calm.
00:55:44No.
00:55:45Whoa.
00:55:45Whoa.
00:55:45Just calm down.
00:55:46Don't hurt yourself.
00:55:48Let her be calm.
00:55:49Okay.
00:55:49Whoa.
00:55:49Whoa.
00:55:49Whoa.
00:55:50Whoa.
00:55:50Whoa.
00:55:50Okay.
00:55:51Okay.
00:55:51Okay.
00:55:52Okay.
00:55:52Just calm it.
00:55:53Okay.
00:55:53Everybody back.
00:55:54Calm down.
00:55:54Give her some hands.
00:55:55Oh.
00:55:59Peanuts.
00:56:00That is really a bad thing these days.
00:56:02There's peanuts and everything.
00:56:03All right.
00:56:04Give it up for this guy.
00:56:05This guy's a hero.
00:56:06Hero.
00:56:07Hero.
00:56:08Hero.
00:56:08Hero.
00:56:08Hero.
00:56:09Hero.
00:56:09Hero.
00:56:10Hero.
00:56:11Hero.
00:56:12Hero.
00:56:12Hero.
00:56:13Hero.
00:56:13Hero.
00:56:16That was crazy.
00:56:17Yeah, it was pretty crazy.
00:56:18Are you okay?
00:56:19Um, yeah, I think I am.
00:56:21I was just a seizure, I guess.
00:56:23I think we should just go back to my place so I can keep an eye on you.
00:56:27How about that?
00:56:28Oh, gosh.
00:56:29I don't know, Kelly.
00:56:30I think I should probably just go home alone because, you know, I nearly just died, kind
00:56:34of, so.
00:56:36Okay, what is it?
00:56:37Do you not like hanging out with me or something?
00:56:40No.
00:56:41It's not that.
00:56:42It's, uh, like, Shannon, my sister, is at my house, so I have to be there.
00:56:48Okay, you have to stop using your adult sister as an excuse for blowing me off.
00:56:52I'm not blowing you off.
00:56:53I don't want you to think I'm blowing you off.
00:56:54Oh, I'm available.
00:56:56Like, totally available, and I'm gay, and I'm very attracted to you.
00:57:01I don't know if you noticed that.
00:57:03Um, I like you a lot.
00:57:05Um, and I'm cool as shit.
00:57:08So, I don't see what the problem is.
00:57:09Am I, like, what?
00:57:10Am I coming on too strong?
00:57:11Am I supposed to play games and pretend like I don't like you and be mean to you?
00:57:16Is that what Alicia does?
00:57:17Should I be like Alicia and flirt with other guys in the gym to, like, make you attracted
00:57:21to me?
00:57:22I'm not a game player, okay?
00:57:23I'm over that shit.
00:57:24I'm a grown-ass woman, and I fucking like you, so let's do this.
00:57:27What's the problem?
00:57:30I don't know, Kelly.
00:57:31I don't think it's a good idea.
00:57:34Wait.
00:57:35Wait, Kelly.
00:57:36Hey, and you know what?
00:57:37You should sign up for spinning, because my class has a no-asshole policy.
00:57:41Now, so...
00:57:43What are you looking at?
00:57:59Uh, nothing.
00:58:00I'm sorry.
00:58:00I didn't know anyone was here, so I'm just gonna go, and you can continue your blubbering.
00:58:04Just pretend you're a writer.
00:58:05You are so insensitive.
00:58:06Are you even a woman?
00:58:08It's like, hey, I'm sorry, okay?
00:58:12No, you're not.
00:58:13Okay, fine.
00:58:14I'm not.
00:58:15I saw an Oprah on this.
00:58:16You're a sociopath.
00:58:18Hey, wait.
00:58:18Now, listen.
00:58:19I am not a sociopath, okay?
00:58:20I feel stuff.
00:58:21I empathize, and I sympathize, which means that I'm not a sociopath.
00:58:25Okay, well, if that's true, then why don't you ask me why I'm crying?
00:58:28All right, all right, all right, all right.
00:58:36What's wrong?
00:58:37Um, okay, well, when I confronted Scott about you...
00:58:40Who's Scott?
00:58:42My husband, the one that you blew.
00:58:43Oh, yes, okay.
00:58:44Scott, you talked to him about...
00:58:46Yeah, he didn't deny it.
00:58:47He admitted it was true, and then I asked him if it was good, and I could tell he didn't
00:58:53want to say anything, but I forced it out of him, and he said...
00:58:58That it was the best blowjob of his life, and now he just can't stop fighting, and I
00:59:04can't have sex with him, and I just don't know what I'm going to do, because I just...
00:59:08I can never...
00:59:10I can never do that.
00:59:12Yeah, okay, you can do it.
00:59:13You can do it.
00:59:13You know what?
00:59:14I know how to fix this.
00:59:15Uh...
00:59:16We'll use this.
00:59:18I'm going to teach you how to give the best blowjob of your life.
00:59:22Okay, but hold on.
00:59:23Can we use this?
00:59:24It doesn't surprise me Phil took the cash.
00:59:30He was in Buchenwald, because you can't get freaky when there's a holocaust.
00:59:33It was a good run.
00:59:34Sucky, sucky, my big back cock.
00:59:37Sorry, honey.
00:59:38So, uh, what do you normally do?
00:59:40Um, I just close my eyes, and then...
00:59:44Looks like you're eating a corncob.
00:59:47That's not going to feel good to anyone.
00:59:48Okay.
00:59:48Okay?
00:59:49All right, so what kind of porn do you guys watch together?
00:59:51No, no porn.
00:59:53None.
00:59:54Watch a porn once in a while by yourself, and watch how the chicks do it.
00:59:57Aren't most of those women slaves?
01:00:00No.
01:00:00They're fine.
01:00:01Oh, I thought I saw a dateline about that they were slaves.
01:00:03No.
01:00:05They put them in a box and ship them over...
01:00:07No, those are the manicurists.
01:00:09Oh, okay.
01:00:09No, those aren't the porn stars.
01:00:10They're not slaves.
01:00:11Okay.
01:00:12Okay, so what you want to do is you want to pretend.
01:00:15Like, what's your favorite food in the world?
01:00:18Um, um, uh, Yoplait yogurt.
01:00:21Cheesecake flavor.
01:00:23Okay.
01:00:24So I want you to pretend like this is filled with cheesecake-flavored Yoplait yogurt.
01:00:28Okay.
01:00:29And if you suck it hard enough...
01:00:30Yeah.
01:00:31...you're going to get it all out.
01:00:32Okay.
01:00:33Okay?
01:00:33Okay.
01:00:34So now, in order to get out the yogurt, you have to squeeze it.
01:00:36Okay.
01:00:37And you want to put your mouth on the tip.
01:00:39Okay.
01:00:39Now you're going to bring your hand up to meet your mouth.
01:00:42As your mouth goes down, your hand goes up.
01:00:45And it's like that.
01:00:46And it's...
01:00:46So they're going to...
01:00:47Yes.
01:00:47Mouth underneath the hand.
01:00:48Yes.
01:00:48Mouth underneath the hand.
01:00:50Yeah.
01:00:50Mouth right.
01:00:51Now, right before, you're going to get your hand up to the top, hold it really tight,
01:00:54spit in your palm, rub it around the top, point it away, shoots out into the stars, okay?
01:01:00Okay.
01:01:00All right.
01:01:00You got this.
01:01:01Now, go, go, go, go, go.
01:01:02Yeah.
01:01:03That's it.
01:01:05Okay.
01:01:05Okay.
01:01:12What do you mean it's only $12,000?
01:01:16Come on.
01:01:17Come on.
01:01:17It's a lot of money.
01:01:18It's like...
01:01:18That's like six digits.
01:01:20I said I wanted $25,000.
01:01:22Well, you can get a house in Detroit for like $800.
01:01:26I didn't want a house.
01:01:27I wanted a building.
01:01:28Come on, Ruby.
01:01:29Please.
01:01:30But it's cash.
01:01:31I mean, it's right here.
01:01:33It's a good start.
01:01:34Get everything rolling, you know?
01:01:35It's a great start.
01:01:38I'll sell the Thunderbird.
01:01:40You'll sell the Thunderbird?
01:01:41I promise.
01:01:42I don't need it.
01:01:43Super cool.
01:01:45Okay.
01:01:47I'll go turn the oven on.
01:01:55It was really sweet of you to come.
01:01:57Of course.
01:01:59You could have just told me you were being blackmailed for killing some guy's dog.
01:02:03I felt bad about it.
01:02:06You still do.
01:02:07This is my last dog!
01:02:10Suck my dick, Fresno!
01:02:11What's up with that chick?
01:02:16Oh, she's, um, moving to Detroit.
01:02:19Okay.
01:02:20Um...
01:02:20Let's all bow our heads, uh, and have a moment of silence.
01:02:30Boris.
01:02:31Our precious Boris.
01:02:34He was a champion, um, but he was also a dirty dog.
01:02:41Oh, God, please watch over him and take him to a better place.
01:02:50Everyone deserves their dignity.
01:02:51We've all done things we're not proud of, uh, the last time I was at a cemetery was for my father's funeral.
01:02:59Uh, it was not an easy time for any of us, but especially not for my sister Shannon, because she didn't show.
01:03:06I know she wanted to be there, but she couldn't because, uh, she didn't feel good.
01:03:11I don't blame her.
01:03:13Uh, it's just, sometimes it's hard for me to do everything on my own.
01:03:18So I guess I'm just really grateful that we made it through this time together.
01:03:22Yeah.
01:03:50Hey, Martha.
01:03:52Oh, my God.
01:04:05Martha?
01:04:06Martha!
01:04:11We've slept together before, so there's like a Grandfather Claus situation, you know?
01:04:17We still build these. Isn't that crazy? Little sheds.
01:04:22Martha! Martha, stop running!
01:04:25Martha, come on!
01:04:27Wait, I'm sorry!
01:04:28Sorry? You're not sorry, Chan.
01:04:30It's not my fault. It's my disease. I can't help it.
01:04:33Of course, right? You never mean to do anything.
01:04:36You know, you're just like that.
01:04:38Just blame everyone else.
01:04:40It's never you, right?
01:04:43Well, I am so tired of trying to help you.
01:04:47Martha!
01:04:52You can't leave me here!
01:04:54Don't come back to my place. I am done!
01:04:56It's hard letting go, isn't it?
01:05:09If only Pop-Tart could have spoken up and told me what was bothering her.
01:05:14But turtles can't let you know what's going on, can they?
01:05:18Robots can't either.
01:05:20I'm not sure.
01:05:48Back so soon?
01:05:48I'm staying for a while this time.
01:05:51You hit the lotto?
01:05:53It's leftover bar mitzvah money.
01:05:56Good one.
01:05:58My mom died of cancer, then my dad died of alcohol,
01:06:01and my little sister had no one to help her,
01:06:03and instead of helping her,
01:06:05I just blew off my dad's funeral.
01:06:09And a few months ago, I did some really horrible shit,
01:06:13which is why I'm here,
01:06:15and my sister bailed me out again.
01:06:19And so did this...
01:06:21this guy that I met who's really nice,
01:06:24and I really liked him.
01:06:27But instead of dealing with my feelings
01:06:29like a mature, adult, grown-up person,
01:06:32I fucked a random dude.
01:06:37I just...
01:06:39I just don't want to let anyone down anymore.
01:06:41I don't want to let myself down anymore.
01:06:43And I want this part of my life,
01:06:45this whole chunk to be over,
01:06:47and that's why I'm here, because I need help.
01:06:53I'm just fucking tired of fucking.
01:06:59Fuck.
01:07:01Sorry.
01:07:03It wasn't my turn.
01:07:05I'm sorry.
01:07:07You know who would have left that?
01:07:09Oprah.
01:07:11Oprah.
01:07:29Ooh!
01:07:37Hey, ow.
01:09:08I have paychecks.
01:09:30There's one that's for Martha, that's you, and this is for Shannon, your big sister.
01:09:35She's going to have to pick hers up.
01:09:39She quit.
01:09:40And we're not talking anymore.
01:09:42Why not?
01:09:44Oh, let's see.
01:09:46She's a liar.
01:09:47She's selfish.
01:09:47She's ungrateful.
01:09:48And she can't get her life together.
01:09:50It's actually really sad.
01:09:51My sister sucks.
01:09:52Why does she suck?
01:09:54Were you not listening, Jerry?
01:09:55I just told you the whole thing.
01:09:57Hey, she's a pain in the ass.
01:09:59Why?
01:10:00Because she just does whatever the hell she wants and she doesn't care who she hurts along
01:10:06the way.
01:10:07I mean, I did everything I could for her.
01:10:11I got her this job, let her stay at my place, and it's like she just didn't even want any
01:10:18of it.
01:10:18If she didn't want help, why did you help her?
01:10:22Well, I don't know.
01:10:23Sounds like you need help.
01:10:29Well, I don't need any help.
01:10:32You worry too much about your sister and not yourself.
01:10:36My life is pretty sweet.
01:10:38It's not sweet.
01:10:40You live all alone, and you're a maid in Fresno.
01:10:44You're a maid too, you know.
01:10:46Yes, but I'm better than a maid.
01:10:48Executive maid.
01:10:50And I have a sexy girlfriend.
01:10:53Yeah, can you just, like, put them back the right way?
01:11:00Because they're always being tangled up in the room.
01:11:02I think.
01:11:06Kelly, you don't have to hide from me.
01:11:08Hey, Alicia is working out at Freztown CrossFit, so you should go sign up there.
01:11:13I don't want to say hi to Alicia.
01:11:16I want to say hi to you, Kelly.
01:11:19Hi.
01:11:23I want to apologize to you.
01:11:30Okay?
01:11:32I'm sorry.
01:11:34I wasn't myself.
01:11:37Yeah, it's just a lot of weird stuff was going on in my life.
01:11:40If you say your sister or your ex one more time, I will literally vomit right now.
01:11:44Well, I won't.
01:11:46Okay?
01:11:47Because neither of them are in my life anymore.
01:11:49I mean, it's good.
01:11:51Like, for the first time in my life, I'm doing stuff just for myself.
01:11:55Like, I got a pedicure yesterday, and I took a bubble bath, you know?
01:12:03Wow, you took a bath.
01:12:04Yeah.
01:12:06And, uh, now I'm doing this other thing I really wanted to do.
01:12:11Talking to a girl who I think is pretty cool.
01:12:16I really liked you.
01:12:19I still like you.
01:12:20Okay.
01:12:25But if your sister and your ex are, like, totally out of the picture for real, then what are
01:12:30you possibly going to use as an excuse not to go out with me tonight?
01:12:34Tonight?
01:12:36Nothing.
01:12:38Newsflash.
01:12:40I'm available.
01:12:42Really?
01:12:43Big time.
01:12:44Yo, yo, yo, Guru!
01:12:56Do you remember me?
01:12:58I think you have the wrong person.
01:13:00No, no, no, you don't remember me?
01:13:02My parents had a house that smelled like dirty diapers.
01:13:04Does that ring a bell?
01:13:05No.
01:13:06You remember this pretty face?
01:13:10Yeah.
01:13:11Yeah, hi.
01:13:11You got any more awesome words of wisdom for me?
01:13:14Oh, I don't.
01:13:16I'm, uh, kind of out of the guru business.
01:13:18What?
01:13:19I'm working at Foster Farms now.
01:13:22Aw, well, that's good for Foster Farms, but bad for gurus.
01:13:26You were so good at that.
01:13:28I gotta tell you, my whole life changed because of stuff you told me.
01:13:31Really?
01:13:32How?
01:13:33I sold the van.
01:13:34I pawned Boris's bronze medal.
01:13:36I sold my parents' house for a shitload of money.
01:13:39I figured they'd be better off rotting in a nursing home, you know?
01:13:41Got a real good price on a nursing home, one of the cheapest ones.
01:13:44And, uh, that was really all because of you, I have to be honest.
01:13:48And I'm getting a chin implant.
01:13:50I never said any of that stuff.
01:13:53Listen, guru, I felt your vibe and I ran with it.
01:13:56If you ever see Boris, you tell him we're better off without each other, okay?
01:14:00Siblings can really sink each other, you know?
01:14:02Tell him I said that, okay?
01:14:03Okay?
01:14:05Take care of yourself.
01:14:06Namaste!
01:14:07Good night!
01:14:14Bye.
01:14:15Bye.
01:16:15someone could just come here and get me
01:16:17because I don't have a car.
01:16:21That's a really far walk.
01:16:29So anyway, Shan, I'm glad you're getting my letters.
01:16:32I miss you, but I'm kind of glad you're in jail.
01:16:35And I mean that in the nicest way.
01:16:37You better look like Linda Hamilton in T2 when you get out.
01:16:39Baby got back, like her actual back was awesome.
01:16:45I'll see you next month and try and stay out of trouble.
01:16:50Hugs.
01:16:52Martha.
01:16:55P.S. I hate you.
01:16:58Which in case you forgot, means I love you like a sister.
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